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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlightened and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only. Hold

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Speaker 1: Me Down, Don't Hold Me Up is now available on

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Speaker 1: the site as well as my book list, so please

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Speaker 1: make sure you visit the link in the show notes below.

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Speaker 1: You can connect with the kid on Instagram at the

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you

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Speaker 1: are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast now.

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Speaker 1: If you are all caught up with episode, listen to

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Speaker 1: the bonus episodes by supporting the PSD podcast Patreon account.

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Speaker 1: To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward

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Speaker 1: slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that

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Speaker 1: all of my guests are nonnes so let's again this

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Speaker 1: week's episode. So I'm so looking forward to speaking with

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Speaker 1: my guests today because this conversation is so necessary and

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Speaker 1: it needs more life, especially within our community. So too

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Speaker 1: before I begin to my guests, how are you doing,

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie, y'all. I had a little code,

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Speaker 1: So I'm praying that it's not COVID. But I don't

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Speaker 1: feel crazy or anything. But I'm my listeners who've been

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Speaker 1: listening to me for like a thousand years. Y'all can

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Speaker 1: probably hear it in my voice because I saw a

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Speaker 1: little stuffy. But I'm like, I don't like the counsel

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Speaker 1: and I really want to speak to my guests today.

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Speaker 1: But besides that, I felt pretty good that hopefully it's

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Speaker 1: not the COVID. I don't think it is because I

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Speaker 1: don't feel like crazy. I think because I had went

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Speaker 1: to my home comment and I came back. But I

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Speaker 1: think it was the climate change and it was just

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Speaker 1: a whole bunch of other stuff. And then we was

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Speaker 1: outside all day and it was raining and it was cold.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, definitely will do it to you, right, So

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Speaker 1: let's pray, y'all, because I ain't got time and I

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Speaker 1: cannot afford to get sick. Child. Is it hard for

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Speaker 1: you to speak about this topic. No, just to certain

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Speaker 1: family members, it is because they don't necessarily know, but

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Speaker 1: the ones that do know, I'm very open and honest,

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Speaker 1: and I'm comfortable with talking about it to strangers and

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Speaker 1: to anyone who wants to talk about it, because I

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Speaker 1: actually want to work with kids and make them feel

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Speaker 1: open enough to talk to me so we can bring

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Speaker 1: more awareness to this topic. That definitely, definitely, So what

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Speaker 1: made you want to share your story or your channel

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Speaker 1: because you you you told everything well? Because um, because

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Speaker 1: growing up, like I shared on my story, was like

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Speaker 1: my mom she talked to me about it and I

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Speaker 1: didn't tell her. So I'm like, and as I got older,

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Speaker 1: I regret it not speaking up because, um, some of

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Speaker 1: the people that were able to you know, harm me

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Speaker 1: or molest me, they were able to do it to

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Speaker 1: other family members. And then that really hurt me because

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Speaker 1: I felt like, dang, if I would have spoken up,

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Speaker 1: maybe it wouldn't have happened to that person. And I

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Speaker 1: wanted to bring awareness to parents that are Some parents

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Speaker 1: are very naive and they really trust you know, or

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Speaker 1: you know, anyone with their kids, like they trust friends

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Speaker 1: or family members. Oh, this person wouldn't do it, and

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Speaker 1: they have to know. You have to pay attention to

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Speaker 1: the signs of the your kids, because the most people

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Speaker 1: that get molested it's by someone your parents trusted you with,

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Speaker 1: So it's always somebody that's close to you that yeah,

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Speaker 1: because in my case, it was never really strangers, it

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Speaker 1: was who they were trusting me, leaving me with as

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Speaker 1: a child. Do any of your family never see every

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Speaker 1: vide else? No, they do not know that I put

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Speaker 1: it out there, but I told my mom about it.

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Speaker 1: Yeahs about it, but she hadn't seen it. But I

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Speaker 1: didn't even tell my mom about it until a couple

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Speaker 1: of years ago. I finally I was just like, MoMA,

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Speaker 1: got something to tell you on the phone, and she

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Speaker 1: was like what she took like a crazy guest and

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Speaker 1: something crazy, and I'm like, no, it's not that, And

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Speaker 1: I just told her and she was like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: like I had no idea. She was like she was

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Speaker 1: proud of her stuff because she knew how her my

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Speaker 1: aunts and just the family history of molestations. So she

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Speaker 1: always was saying, I'm happy that none of my boyfriends

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Speaker 1: or anything ever did touched on my child, and which

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Speaker 1: it wasn't any of her boyfriends that she ever had

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Speaker 1: around as it was actually like more so my dad. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: she was like, dang, I didn't even know this, and

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Speaker 1: I just broke it down and you know, told her.

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Speaker 1: So when it comes to my niece, who my mom

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Speaker 1: baby said, she and my sister sometimes, you know, my

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Speaker 1: sister has friends around. My mom is on it like

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Speaker 1: she's making sure my niece is open and comfortable to

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Speaker 1: talk about it. Right. I saw that you said that

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Speaker 1: you feel like everything that happened to you was meant

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Speaker 1: to happen. Do you still feel like that. It's sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's it's I can't even explain. It makes me wonder,

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Speaker 1: like it's like, was this just meant to happen? Because

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Speaker 1: like the first time it happened, I was like three

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Speaker 1: or four, And it's like my cousin who they left

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Speaker 1: me with, they never left me with him ever before.

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Speaker 1: So it's like, it's so crazy to me how the

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Speaker 1: one day because I used to be with my father's

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Speaker 1: of the family a lot and my grandmother, she me

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Speaker 1: and her were always together, so as a as an

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Speaker 1: adult and I'm just like, what was she doing on

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Speaker 1: that day that she had to sleeping with my aunts?

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Speaker 1: And what is it that my aunts wanted to go

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Speaker 1: do where they had to leave me with him, and

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Speaker 1: it had you know, It's just it's crazy. The one

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Speaker 1: day that they all had something to do and they

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Speaker 1: had to leave me with him. It's like he took

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Speaker 1: advantage of it. So it's like, I hate that it

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Speaker 1: happened to me, but it's like it's you know, it's

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Speaker 1: gonna happen. But I'm one of the people that's willing

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Speaker 1: to talk about my experience. So I feel like things

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Speaker 1: can work at work. You know, in the end, it

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Speaker 1: can work out for your good. Even though it sucks

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Speaker 1: that happen to me, but me sharing my story and

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Speaker 1: me being so open about it can possibly save another

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Speaker 1: child or help someone go get help the ConFlat that

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Speaker 1: they neederational curse, because yes, if I have a child too,

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Speaker 1: and I pay attention to all kids, I don't play

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Speaker 1: about children. And that's so I tell people your kids

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Speaker 1: are safe with me. I'm watching everything and everybody. I

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Speaker 1: watched the kids with the kids. I watched everything. Right,

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Speaker 1: what do you think it's a good time to speak

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Speaker 1: to children about molestation of somebody touching them in appropriate

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Speaker 1: things like that as soon as they're able to understand

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Speaker 1: their private areas, Because like I said that when it

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Speaker 1: first happened to me, I was only like three or

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Speaker 1: four when it happens to me. So I feel as

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Speaker 1: soon as a child is able to understand, because like

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Speaker 1: my daughter's too, and I already teach her cuckoo, like

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Speaker 1: I don't say that, I say cuckoo, so she knows

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Speaker 1: and our point and she knows that's what it is,

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Speaker 1: so she starts to understand a little bit more. So

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Speaker 1: when she turns three, I think I will explain, like

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Speaker 1: who can touch your cuckoo? And she can say nobody,

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Speaker 1: And I'm gonna tell her nobody no, I mean not

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Speaker 1: that you don't we can clean you, that you don't

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Speaker 1: how they explain it to her. But I feel like

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Speaker 1: once a child is able to understand, you don't have

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Speaker 1: to say don't let nobody molest. You just have to

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Speaker 1: say who can touch there? And then so they can

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Speaker 1: supposed to touch me in this area, and if somebody

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Speaker 1: does touch you, you make sure you come and tell

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Speaker 1: me exactly. And I feel like I've seen someone else

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Speaker 1: talk about a girl who was molested in um she

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Speaker 1: was afraid to tell her parents. I feel like parents

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Speaker 1: when we do explain to our kids, like no one's

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Speaker 1: supposed to touch you. Don't let your child think that

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Speaker 1: you're gonna hurt that because some parents, some kids aren't

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Speaker 1: afraid that their mom or dad will go to jail.

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Speaker 1: You know a lot of kids are afraid to speak

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Speaker 1: up because they think mommy and dad is gonna get

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Speaker 1: in trouble. And so you make sure you're explaining to

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Speaker 1: your kids. Just feel comfortable enough to talk to me, Like,

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Speaker 1: who can let you there? Nobody? Right, somebody touch you?

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Speaker 1: What you're gonna do? Tell her mommy, okay, Like don't

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Speaker 1: say you better tell me because if they touch you,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna go hurt them. Because kids are afraid of that. Right,

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Speaker 1: looking back on everything, what would you say some signs

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Speaker 1: that child might have been harm by an individual? For me,

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Speaker 1: when they become closed off. Um, if you see that

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Speaker 1: you have a great, outgoing child and all of a

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Speaker 1: sudden they don't want to be around people, they don't

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Speaker 1: like going outside, they don't want to do normal kid activities,

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Speaker 1: and then you know, you know your child. You see

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Speaker 1: their behavior trains drastically, especially after they left them somewhere.

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Speaker 1: That's definitely the signs you should pay attention to. Or

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Speaker 1: if um, they're not wanting to wash that area, but

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Speaker 1: they want to just stay away from that area. Those

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Speaker 1: that signs I didn't know about that one. That's a

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Speaker 1: good one. Yeah, because like my sister, it happened to

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Speaker 1: her and her attitude changed the where she became more

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Speaker 1: like stand offish and kind of a little mean. And

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Speaker 1: some people the family, they didn't pay attention to it,

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Speaker 1: like they just thought she was just acting that way

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Speaker 1: just because and not not ever sitting her down and

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Speaker 1: asking her like, why did you know? Why did this chrange?

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Speaker 1: And that's what I kind of feel in our community,

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Speaker 1: the older generation, they didn't really pay attention to the

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Speaker 1: side as much. I feel like we have more awareness

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Speaker 1: and we have more tools and just more things out

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Speaker 1: there that we're aware that we have to pay attention

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Speaker 1: to our children's astro too, definitely, because I've noticed even

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Speaker 1: if my family, it was more so hush hush. And

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Speaker 1: you know, even when I decided to um and I

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Speaker 1: got a little older, I didn't necessarily tell my whole side,

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Speaker 1: but I told once my sister opened up to me

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Speaker 1: and I was like, we both need to tell this,

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Speaker 1: and she was kind of scared, and I said, if

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Speaker 1: you tell, I don't tell what happened to me, and

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Speaker 1: so it won't just be all the attention on you

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Speaker 1: because you're afraid of what the family will say like that.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's like, are they gonna believe me? If

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Speaker 1: they do believe me, what's gonna happen. It's just so

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Speaker 1: it's just so many what ifs, and it may to

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Speaker 1: be quiet. So definitely, yeah, I'm happy that a lot

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Speaker 1: of people are speaking up about it. But when I

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Speaker 1: did speaking ahead, oh, I was just gonna say when

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Speaker 1: I did speak, they didn't really do anything about the

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Speaker 1: one situation that I did share with my stick about

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Speaker 1: my sister. So as far as the family being hush

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Speaker 1: about it, like they didn't do what I felt they

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Speaker 1: shouldn't have did. Do you think there are a science

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Speaker 1: and those of a person is harming the kids? Sometimes

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Speaker 1: For me personally, I think I can because it happened

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Speaker 1: to me. I think, Um, women who they have never

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Speaker 1: been they've never been in that type of situation, they're

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Speaker 1: a little bit more naive. I feel like people that

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Speaker 1: are aware was just where like, um, you know people

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Speaker 1: that have friends who went through this, or people have

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Speaker 1: opened up to their stories, they beat maybe a little

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Speaker 1: bit more aware because I pay attistions to the side,

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Speaker 1: like if a young man wants to be around kids

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Speaker 1: that are not his kids, and it it's too super

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Speaker 1: friendly with kids, that's something you need to watch. If

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Speaker 1: he's too comfortable, if he wants kids to sit on

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Speaker 1: his lab or he's you know, you can watch. And

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Speaker 1: for me personally, I always if guys are perfect to me,

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Speaker 1: I just picked that up. I don't know if it's

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Speaker 1: because it happened to me, but it's just the signs

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Speaker 1: are there to me, like it's easy to pay assition

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Speaker 1: to m hmm. But some women they just I feel

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Speaker 1: like some women ignore the signs because they just you know,

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Speaker 1: some women they just want to man, so they'll definitely

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Speaker 1: ignore the signs. But I feel like the signs are

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Speaker 1: definitely there. You have to watch how they enter, act

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Speaker 1: with kids and just little things that they say. Right, Well,

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Speaker 1: let's start with your family, because we got two stories

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Speaker 1: and one we got your family story, and then we

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Speaker 1: have your story. Okay, so your grandmother was raped by

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Speaker 1: her stepfather. Yes, how old was she? Well I believe

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Speaker 1: at so what happened because I know she had two

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Speaker 1: kids by him? Yes, so my um great grandmother she

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Speaker 1: had her boyfriend and he was not my grandmother's father. Um,

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Speaker 1: because my grandmother was her first child. So um, when

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Speaker 1: after my grandmother, I don't know what her I don't

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Speaker 1: know what the deal was with her father. Love with

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Speaker 1: that relationship didn't work. So it was my grandmother. And

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Speaker 1: then she got with this man and she continued to

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Speaker 1: have more kids with him. So he didn't molest his

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Speaker 1: own children, but he molested my grandmother. But she was

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Speaker 1: the only one who was not his and well not

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00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,840
Speaker 1: molest he raped her. So he raped her. He got

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Speaker 1: all pregnant. Um, she had a son first, and then

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Speaker 1: her mother didn't do anything about it. He continued to

249
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Speaker 1: rape her. She got raged again and had a daughter,

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Speaker 1: and then her mother sent her away and when she

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Speaker 1: saw a like an all girls school and just sent

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Speaker 1: her way. And then she was like, where are my kids?

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Speaker 1: And her mother said, I put those kids up for adoption.

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Speaker 1: And it was in my grandmother. We never found my uncle,

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Speaker 1: but my aunt she did. Um. We found her where

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Speaker 1: they found her, but she was in her like twenties

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Speaker 1: when they were able to find her. And the reason

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Speaker 1: they found her because she looked almost identical to my grandmother. Oh, man,

259
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Speaker 1: and you and your grandma never had a conversation about this. No,

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Speaker 1: I learned this from my mother. My mother was always

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Speaker 1: open about all the family history about molestation. Right, and

262
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Speaker 1: then your mom and your aunt was molested by their uncle.

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Speaker 1: What is your grandmother's brother. Yes, And when my mother

264
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Speaker 1: did open up and let my grandmother know, my grandma

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Speaker 1: mother the same way my mother grew up telling me

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Speaker 1: and my sister like, always comes to me. She said

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Speaker 1: that my grandmother did that with them, that she was like,

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Speaker 1: always come to me if anyone touches you, and she

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Speaker 1: was she was like because she was, she was opening

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Speaker 1: honest with my mother and my aunts about what happened

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Speaker 1: to her. So she's like, make sure you tell me.

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Speaker 1: So when my mom did come and tell her my

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Speaker 1: grandmother and she come didn't do anything about it. And

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Speaker 1: then so my um she sent my mother off to

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Speaker 1: like the all girls school, and when she came back,

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Speaker 1: she took the counselor like my uncle still and my

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Speaker 1: uncle who molested me, still, there's some counselor how to

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00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,480
Speaker 1: talk to my grandmother and said, your daughter cannot be

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Speaker 1: here if this, if you're gonna let your brother live here.

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Speaker 1: So my grandmother. She put my uncle and my mother

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Speaker 1: in the room and she said, this is what my

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Speaker 1: daughter said, you did to her. And he was like,

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Speaker 1: come on, come on, I'm gonna do that. He just

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Speaker 1: basically denied it, and my mother just didn't do anything

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Speaker 1: about it. And I'm just it baffles me because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you know what you went through, and you but my

287
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,480
Speaker 1: grandmother did stuff for stuff for a lot of mental

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Speaker 1: illnesses from the lifestyle that she lived in, the drama

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00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,920
Speaker 1: that she went through. But I still don't understand how

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Speaker 1: you're not gonna defend your child and be there for

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Speaker 1: your child because she didn't make my uncle leave and

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00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,800
Speaker 1: my mom she went to the all girls school during

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Speaker 1: the week, but on the weekend she said would come home,

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Speaker 1: and my grandmother basically after they had the conversation, she

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00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,240
Speaker 1: would let my uncle live there during the week and

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Speaker 1: then during the weekend when my mom come home, she

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Speaker 1: would make him leave. Do you think she didn't do

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Speaker 1: anything because nobody did anything for her? Um? That could

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Speaker 1: be part of it, because there was um if yeah,

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Speaker 1: and and that's what because there was a kind of

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Speaker 1: a little jealousy thing there from the stories that my

302
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,640
Speaker 1: mom told me, just like my grandmother was kind of

303
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,120
Speaker 1: jealous of her because my grandmamother looked different out of

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00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,000
Speaker 1: all the kids and looked at completely. My mother got

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00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,440
Speaker 1: a lot of attention and she was the taller one,

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00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,120
Speaker 1: that slimmer one, more beautiful one. So my grandmother did

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00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,080
Speaker 1: feel some type of way because even one of my

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00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,400
Speaker 1: aunts told my mom, she's like, you know, your mother's

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Speaker 1: jealous of you, and so I do feel like it

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00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,000
Speaker 1: has to do it's like and it and it's sad.

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00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,960
Speaker 1: It's very sad. Um. So I do feel like it

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00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,920
Speaker 1: has something to do with the jealousy there. And it's like, well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: my grandmother she's just she's stuff with a lot of

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Speaker 1: mental illness. Um um. I can't even say it's just

315
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,200
Speaker 1: from the rate, but from the way my great grandmother

316
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,280
Speaker 1: treated her, because my grandmother didn't treat her kids the

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Speaker 1: best either. And then even is the grand house she

318
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,800
Speaker 1: raised me, I didn't get so it really messed her

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00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,280
Speaker 1: up and soughts like so she never got counseling and

320
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,280
Speaker 1: never got the medication that she needed to be on.

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00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,880
Speaker 1: Like she kind of took her anger out and she

322
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:18,880
Speaker 1: was not the best parent or grand Yeah, that's heartbreaking. Definitely.

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Speaker 1: It sucks. Yeah, why do you think people don't want

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00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,560
Speaker 1: to believe the kids. I believe when it comes to

325
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,080
Speaker 1: some women, they just want to be into now. They

326
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,160
Speaker 1: don't want to have to deal with the pressure of Okay,

327
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,280
Speaker 1: what do I do now, especially when it's a family member.

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Speaker 1: They I think they feel like it's gonna tear the

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00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,920
Speaker 1: family apart because some people they will believe you and

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Speaker 1: some people won't. Because, um, I know, my mom's on me.

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Speaker 1: My grandmother when she got a little older, you know,

332
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Speaker 1: it ended up coming out that her stepdad did rape

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Speaker 1: her and he was the father of her two kids

334
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,920
Speaker 1: and his the ones that he was the father of

335
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,560
Speaker 1: my great aunt. She didn't believe it. She didn't believe

336
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,800
Speaker 1: my grandmother and she said, my dad didn't rape you.

337
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,960
Speaker 1: And so they had like a little fight or scuffle

338
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,000
Speaker 1: and they, you know, we're beefing with one another because

339
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,800
Speaker 1: she didn't want to believe that her dad did that.

340
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,080
Speaker 1: So I feel like it's because you know, it's it's

341
00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:09,600
Speaker 1: kind of gonna tear the family apart because some people

342
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,960
Speaker 1: will believe you, some people will refuse to believe you.

343
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,960
Speaker 1: Then it's like, what do I do when I finally

344
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,800
Speaker 1: admit this, how is my life going to change? Because

345
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,439
Speaker 1: that's kind of was my I was just like, was

346
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,840
Speaker 1: like once if I come out and say this, what's

347
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,560
Speaker 1: gonna happen? I have no idea how my life's gonna change.

348
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,520
Speaker 1: And some women they just don't want to let go

349
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:32,040
Speaker 1: of there, let go of the man. Regardless. Yeah, they

350
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:36,520
Speaker 1: they just don't go. Grandmother knew it was true though

351
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:40,720
Speaker 1: about your mom. Yes, she she had to because why

352
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,760
Speaker 1: would your child you know, you know your child, you know,

353
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,520
Speaker 1: you know, you have a line, you know, and if

354
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,639
Speaker 1: you know that happens to you, I feel like you

355
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,720
Speaker 1: automatically believe the child regardless, Like I just I'm gonna

356
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,760
Speaker 1: automatically believe the child because why would this y'all like

357
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,720
Speaker 1: like like why what reason would they have to lie

358
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,560
Speaker 1: and say that? And my mother was a troublesome child,

359
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,239
Speaker 1: so it wasn't like it was a child. She got

360
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,520
Speaker 1: in trouble a lot and she was known for lying. No,

361
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,040
Speaker 1: you didn't really have any issues from her. So for

362
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,840
Speaker 1: her to say your brother and then she she gave

363
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,760
Speaker 1: it to you in details. He she said he took

364
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,280
Speaker 1: her in a bathroom and was rubbing on her chest,

365
00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:13,280
Speaker 1: and you know, it's if if a child is lying,

366
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,840
Speaker 1: they're not really gonna be able to come and give

367
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,199
Speaker 1: you all these details. They're gonna just say. And I

368
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,679
Speaker 1: just don't see a child, especially at a young age.

369
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,440
Speaker 1: With teenagers, you can kind of question if they don't

370
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,399
Speaker 1: like the boyfriend or something like that. But a child

371
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,480
Speaker 1: and it's their uncle, what reason would they have to

372
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,520
Speaker 1: say that my uncle took me in the room and

373
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,560
Speaker 1: did this and did that to me? Right? Um, I

374
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,000
Speaker 1: know the situation you spoke about was how one night

375
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,919
Speaker 1: you woke up and you saw that your mom was

376
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:45,879
Speaker 1: beat up. Yes, so, um, this was a night that

377
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:51,399
Speaker 1: I just will never ever forget. Yeah. So I was

378
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:55,320
Speaker 1: staying at my friend's house this night and my mom said,

379
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,840
Speaker 1: I'm going out tonight. She came by. I remember hulling

380
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:01,000
Speaker 1: a white dress, like a white dress to her mid thigh,

381
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,400
Speaker 1: and I remember she came. She bought me my bag

382
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,160
Speaker 1: of snacks, Candians all that, and she's like, Okay, I'm

383
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,200
Speaker 1: going out and you know, stay here, have a good time.

384
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,520
Speaker 1: So the next day when I go home, I woke

385
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:16,000
Speaker 1: up and I walked in the hallway and I just

386
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,679
Speaker 1: see her in her face. It's like the size of

387
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,480
Speaker 1: a brick. Her face was swelled up like a side

388
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,159
Speaker 1: of the size of a brick, and she had on

389
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,760
Speaker 1: her hospital gown still, and she was slowly walking through

390
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,399
Speaker 1: the hallway, and I couldn't say there was nothing. I

391
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,320
Speaker 1: couldn't even say, um, of course, just blu who cries, like,

392
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,639
Speaker 1: what happened to my mom? How are you? Um? Maybe

393
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:45,439
Speaker 1: like seven? Wow? Yeah? And then um she explained to

394
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,200
Speaker 1: me that she got raped and beat by um Man.

395
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,879
Speaker 1: I actually looked him up because he never got charged

396
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,640
Speaker 1: with her UM raped either because they didn't find him

397
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,200
Speaker 1: at that time. UM. Well, actually did find him and

398
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,840
Speaker 1: something happened. I don't remember the exact story, but they

399
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,480
Speaker 1: did get to go to court because I know my

400
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,680
Speaker 1: mom moved. I can't remember all the details of why

401
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,040
Speaker 1: the charges didn't get pressed, but I know my mom

402
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,360
Speaker 1: didn't move, so he never got charged with her rate.

403
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,480
Speaker 1: But I looked him up and he did end up

404
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 1: getting charged with a couple of other women's xt so

405
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,919
Speaker 1: she's not the only woman he did this too. Was

406
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:19,600
Speaker 1: it somebody that she knew or she did not know him? Um?

407
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,639
Speaker 1: She said she was. I forgot where she was, but

408
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,560
Speaker 1: she was walking somewhere and he came up to her

409
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,640
Speaker 1: and started talking to her, like trying to get at her,

410
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,000
Speaker 1: and they went somewhere and I know they ended up

411
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,360
Speaker 1: in the hallway and he said, you know, I've been

412
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 1: watching it for a while. So he had been watching her,

413
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,360
Speaker 1: like in the neighborhood. So he's been cloking her kind

414
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,960
Speaker 1: of you know, learning the schedule, and so he waited

415
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,880
Speaker 1: to he has the opportunity, and he chose to strike.

416
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,040
Speaker 1: So he's like, I've been watching you. And then that's

417
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,560
Speaker 1: when he decided so right for her and beat her.

418
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 1: And she said she ran and knocked on my someone's door,

419
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:54,919
Speaker 1: and um, that's when they came out and seeing her

420
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,080
Speaker 1: all bloody and beat up, and that's when the police came.

421
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,760
Speaker 1: How like, how is your mom doing all this? Because

422
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,720
Speaker 1: I can only imagine the emotions you had as a daughter,

423
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,040
Speaker 1: but you're a mom as well, and then she's your mom,

424
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,000
Speaker 1: but she's a door, Like, like what was the conversations

425
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:14,560
Speaker 1: like when y'all had these conversations? She just always wanted

426
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,560
Speaker 1: to because I was like my mom's friend. My mom

427
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,760
Speaker 1: happy at sixteen, So my mom didn't treat me like

428
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,520
Speaker 1: her daughter. She treated me like her friend. So she

429
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,119
Speaker 1: would talk to me like I was her homebook. And um,

430
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,359
Speaker 1: so I had to mature at the fast age because

431
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,600
Speaker 1: I had to understand a lot very early. And she

432
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,520
Speaker 1: definitely her life. She went to the street life, she

433
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,080
Speaker 1: did get on drugs, she went thought she went the

434
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,360
Speaker 1: wrong direction just from her child lady. And that's why

435
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,400
Speaker 1: that's another reason I'm opening about everything, because everyone can't

436
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,640
Speaker 1: handle this. Some people will turn to drugs or turn

437
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,639
Speaker 1: to and my mom she started drinking a lot too,

438
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,720
Speaker 1: so she dealt with it that way. And that My

439
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,879
Speaker 1: grandmother also was kind of econholics, so she dealt with

440
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,360
Speaker 1: hers doing that also. So my mom, it definitely affected her.

441
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 1: And because she didn't trust men, of course, and she

442
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,240
Speaker 1: gonna went to the street life and did drugs, and

443
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,720
Speaker 1: she got a lot of drugs, but she loved to

444
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 1: drink her vaca um. But even though she did this,

445
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,919
Speaker 1: I would still say she was a good mom to

446
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,160
Speaker 1: me as far as someone I could talk to, and

447
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,880
Speaker 1: she was still fun and loving. She took the opposite

448
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 1: of my grandmother. My grandmother took everything that she went

449
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 1: through and she kind of looked like the evil her.

450
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,000
Speaker 1: My great grandmother was like evil. She beat her kids

451
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,080
Speaker 1: mean to them. My grandmother took after that. She was mean.

452
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,920
Speaker 1: She was I couldn't talk to her growing up. It's

453
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 1: like I knew if I did something, I'm getting my

454
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,359
Speaker 1: but who she was more harsh my mom and my

455
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,719
Speaker 1: sister and her sisters. My mom said that since they

456
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 1: all got beat and they got molested and rick that

457
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,920
Speaker 1: always talked aboust themselves when they were kids, and so

458
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,120
Speaker 1: when we have kids, we're gonna make sure our kids

459
00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:46,840
Speaker 1: have a different life. We're not gonna beat our kids.

460
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,720
Speaker 1: We're not gonna be mean to our kids. So my

461
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 1: mom was more so of my friend, and it affected

462
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,160
Speaker 1: her because I feel like her life could have been

463
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,359
Speaker 1: so much better if she could have gotten help. That

464
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,920
Speaker 1: she needed a state of turning to the street life, right,

465
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:03,719
Speaker 1: because I always tell people I don't I mean, some

466
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:09,000
Speaker 1: people alright to drugs and um and then addicted to

467
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:13,120
Speaker 1: drinkings because they're trying to escape something. Yes, And that's

468
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,080
Speaker 1: what she said. It was like, yeah, and that's what

469
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,959
Speaker 1: she said. She's kind of like she went through and

470
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,760
Speaker 1: because I had to these questions like what like with

471
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,399
Speaker 1: she being out there on the street, what was it?

472
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,720
Speaker 1: And she she, Oh, my gosh, I really want my

473
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,480
Speaker 1: mom to get her story out because it's it's crazy,

474
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,560
Speaker 1: but it's like the show because I think, I actually, yeah,

475
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,240
Speaker 1: I told her, I said you need to go. I

476
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 1: told her, I said, I'm gonna do like put it

477
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 1: in or whatever I said, but you got way. Your

478
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,760
Speaker 1: story is way more than mine. And she definitely. Yeah,

479
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,240
Speaker 1: she's an older woman, and I love anything older women

480
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 1: because this is so much game that they could put

481
00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:51,080
Speaker 1: us on. But it's also just see you. We get

482
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,360
Speaker 1: to see them as women and not as our mothers,

483
00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 1: our grandmothers, because it's like everybody has a story, and

484
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,159
Speaker 1: you with somebody before you became my mom and my grandma.

485
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,439
Speaker 1: You know that definitely. And my mom had stories like

486
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,120
Speaker 1: growing up as a kid, even though the stories were

487
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 1: it's bad things that happened to her, but that would

488
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,000
Speaker 1: be so interesting because you're like, you can't believe she

489
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 1: went through this and survived this like it's it's and

490
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,240
Speaker 1: she would, so I would love the stories that she

491
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,119
Speaker 1: would tell me as a kid. It's like a story

492
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,000
Speaker 1: time because she would sit up and talk to me

493
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,159
Speaker 1: and my sisters and just tell us everything. And I'm like, wow,

494
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:29,359
Speaker 1: but woman, now, I like listen, we didn't been through

495
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,520
Speaker 1: some ship and black women. I don't know how we

496
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,200
Speaker 1: do it because my guys, Jesus Christ, we have to

497
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: show face all the time. It's so it's awesome, I'm

498
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,440
Speaker 1: telling you, and and and it would when you say that,

499
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,159
Speaker 1: it just makes me remember this guy, Like I've always

500
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,959
Speaker 1: had the strong minds that I'm always paying across as

501
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 1: the strong black woman. You know, you gotta be strong

502
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 1: no matter what. Again, show feelings. And the one time

503
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,679
Speaker 1: I decided to show feelings, this guy was kind of like,

504
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,800
Speaker 1: I look at you differently because you are you always

505
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,639
Speaker 1: so strong, so strong. I'm like, I'm still a woman

506
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,879
Speaker 1: at the to the day, like sometimes we gotta sometimes

507
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,560
Speaker 1: we break down, but I'm gonna put myself up. And

508
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,439
Speaker 1: it's it's sad that they look at us like we

509
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 1: can't get soft, like yeah, like and I was like, dang,

510
00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:15,000
Speaker 1: like I'm going through some stuff right now. And he's

511
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:16,880
Speaker 1: like I thought she was strong. I'm like I am,

512
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 1: but I'm human, right. You also talked about how you

513
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,840
Speaker 1: have family members that were molested by their moms. Yes,

514
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 1: So when I was about night seeing, so my cousin

515
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,960
Speaker 1: confessed to me that her mom um, my aunt had

516
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,720
Speaker 1: got on drugs. She kind of um got She got

517
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 1: molested also when she was younger, by my uncle, and

518
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:45,840
Speaker 1: my beliefs she has she actually got molested. The first

519
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,000
Speaker 1: time that I know of was at her daycare when

520
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 1: she was a toddler and she came home with blood

521
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,200
Speaker 1: in her diaper and my grandmother when I don't have

522
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: all the details of that, but I do know that's

523
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 1: the first time and my grandmother goes to the daycare.

524
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 1: I'm off they ever figured out who and what. I

525
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,919
Speaker 1: don't have all those details, but that was so it's blessed.

526
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 1: Theation just runs deep in my family. So I know

527
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,200
Speaker 1: that she was molested, she was raped. She actually got

528
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 1: pregnant at the age of twelve. She was dating the

529
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,959
Speaker 1: older men, so you know, she ran to the streets

530
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:20,480
Speaker 1: to to deal with her traumas and um she ended

531
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: up getting on drugs. Her drugs choice was cocaine, and

532
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 1: my cousin um opened up to me that her mom

533
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: would you know, blessed her and her brother and once

534
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,560
Speaker 1: the kids they moved out of state, they ended up

535
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,200
Speaker 1: getting taken away from her and we were never able

536
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,879
Speaker 1: to get my one female cousin back and me now

537
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 1: we're never able to get her brother back. When we

538
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 1: kept in touch with the brother and my one cousin,

539
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: she was the oldest, so she was able to come back.

540
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,800
Speaker 1: But she said her mom would say crazy things like

541
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,400
Speaker 1: she had to do this so knowing else, like her

542
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,240
Speaker 1: her mind was just she was out of her mind.

543
00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 1: She was on drugs and she felt that the voice

544
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 1: was the voices were telling her. That's what she's talking,

545
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,760
Speaker 1: my cousin, the voices we're telling her. So, you know,

546
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 1: molester children. So she, Um, how I spoken to her

547
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 1: in a couple of months, but she's kind of she's

548
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: still on drugs. But her and her daughter had their relationship. Um,

549
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,880
Speaker 1: so my cousin dad, Yeah, she she forgave. She knows

550
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,640
Speaker 1: her mom is on drugs and she so she deals

551
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,919
Speaker 1: with her accordingly. But um, she she forgave her mom. Um,

552
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 1: but her mom is still on drugs. She is homeless

553
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:35,040
Speaker 1: and she she is still in the streets right now. So, um,

554
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:36,680
Speaker 1: I haven't talked to her in a couple of months,

555
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 1: but I was keeping in touch with her here and there.

556
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,800
Speaker 1: And it's like sometimes with me being a victim molestation,

557
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 1: is like how can you talk to a molester but

558
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,680
Speaker 1: when I know my aunt before she got on drugs,

559
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:50,960
Speaker 1: you know, and I know what I know how to

560
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 1: separate the person from the drugs and in this case,

561
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:58,440
Speaker 1: so I do still talk that definitely. And of course

562
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,280
Speaker 1: it's like I know not to ever leave you with

563
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,439
Speaker 1: my child or around kids, you know, but I know

564
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: I have That's one thing I had to learn, how

565
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,800
Speaker 1: to separate the crime from the person when you know

566
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 1: that it's due to them not being in their own

567
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,000
Speaker 1: m hm. So did you did you have a question God?

568
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:20,200
Speaker 1: Because I know you I was raised Christian? Right, yes,

569
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: so growing up I was raised Christian, but no one

570
00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,000
Speaker 1: really even explained to me what being a Christian was

571
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:28,960
Speaker 1: or anything. My grandmother she was just send us to church,

572
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 1: and so as I got older, when she didn't make

573
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 1: me go, I didn't want to go. I always believe

574
00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 1: in God, but I still was like, you know, I

575
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,560
Speaker 1: don't care to be around church because me being molested

576
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,480
Speaker 1: at the young age, I became I didn't like being people,

577
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: and they didn't even realize, like why my little girl

578
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: wanted to be in the house all the time. I

579
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: did not like I would play with the kids sometimes,

580
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 1: but it um questions like why like why did this happen?

581
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 1: Because I used to separate myself from the myself that

582
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 1: got molested. I don't know if that makes sense, but

583
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,920
Speaker 1: it's like I was two different people. Um, the girl

584
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,480
Speaker 1: that got molested was another person because uh, like when

585
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 1: I was would get molested, I would I guess, um

586
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 1: when they say people create split personality, like I would

587
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,160
Speaker 1: be in another would my mind would go to another place.

588
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: So even though my body is here on this bed

589
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,920
Speaker 1: and you're less than me, my mind is somewhere else.

590
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 1: So this is is happening, but it's not happening to me.

591
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 1: So I'm not here. I'm somewhere else in my mind.

592
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: So I would ask God, like why, you know, why

593
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 1: is this happening? Like by me by and you know

594
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 1: just why. But now that I'm older and I have

595
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,960
Speaker 1: my own relationship with God and my own understanding, I

596
00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 1: understand now that God does not control us. He gave,

597
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,320
Speaker 1: but he created us. We have free will. Things are

598
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 1: going to happen. He's not gonna be up there and

599
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 1: being a puppet like, Okay, I'm not gonna let this

600
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 1: bad thing. That's bad thing happened. Life is gonna happen.

601
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:52,640
Speaker 1: People are gonna make their own choices. It's about what

602
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:55,000
Speaker 1: what choices we make and the choices things that do

603
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 1: happen to us. It's about how we move forward from there.

604
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 1: And in this situation, I use it for my good

605
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 1: to bring awareness, all right, So I don't hey God

606
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: or question I do a question why I still but

607
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 1: things are gonna happen. I just know life's gonna happen,

608
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 1: and I just try to use the situation to bring

609
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:16,080
Speaker 1: more awareness. Right now, you said that the first time

610
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 1: it happened, he was at the age of three, and

611
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 1: it was by your cousin, and he also had a disability.

612
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 1: So I'm like, why would they leaveing with you? And

613
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,080
Speaker 1: that's what I and and that's my question. I'm like,

614
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: but my aunts, they were young, they were teenagers. They

615
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,920
Speaker 1: were only like seventeen, sixteen, seventeen or seventeen eighteen, And

616
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, okay, well, at that age, what was I doing.

617
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,760
Speaker 1: Probably wanting to party and hang on my friends, So

618
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:40,000
Speaker 1: most likely they wanted to go hang somewhere. And they're

619
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: not being responsible and them not having kids that you know,

620
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:47,080
Speaker 1: they're still young teenage girls, so they're like, that's what

621
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking. They probably wanted to go hang with

622
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 1: friends or boyfriends. But I'm like, yeah, why did you leave?

623
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,000
Speaker 1: Like why would you think it was okay? And I don't,

624
00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 1: you know, I was young, so I don't even know

625
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: how long they left me with him, because but as

626
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,760
Speaker 1: soon as he soon as they left, I remember, so

627
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 1: soon as they were going doors locked, he put me

628
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,760
Speaker 1: back in the background and let me down on the bed.

629
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 1: And didn't you tell anybody about that particular situation. Nope,

630
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: I didn't say. I did not, and and and that's

631
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,480
Speaker 1: what I questioned, Why didn't I sell it? But I

632
00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 1: didn't not say anything. But like I guess that's when,

633
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: like I said, that's when I creative my split of

634
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 1: the person in my mind, Like that didn't happen to me,

635
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 1: that happens to her like that, Yeah, you were three

636
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,760
Speaker 1: years old. So the fact that you remember every detail,

637
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,160
Speaker 1: like I can only imagine, like because it's only imagine

638
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 1: when you think about it or if something trigger you

639
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 1: how it makes you feel exactly. And that's and that's

640
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,640
Speaker 1: what I'm thinking too, like maybe that's you know, I

641
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:47,760
Speaker 1: was just still I was still young, like my nana

642
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 1: was still give me a bottle at the age, even

643
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:53,120
Speaker 1: though you shouldn't give a bottle of baby, but my nana, yeah,

644
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 1: he was still give me a bottle. I remember. I

645
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: was like, I remember, she's still give me a bottle.

646
00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 1: I remember that? Like, yeah, Now where you were the

647
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 1: first or second grade and you were walking home and

648
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 1: a teenage boy followed you? Yes, So I'm walking home

649
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 1: from school by myself and I and I told my

650
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 1: mom the store, I'm like, why was y'all allowing me

651
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 1: to walk home from school? Like I said, I had

652
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 1: to broad fast, I had to be mature fast. So

653
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,040
Speaker 1: I'm walking home from school by myself. I noticed he's

654
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:23,800
Speaker 1: following me. So I didn't realize, Okay, I need to

655
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,000
Speaker 1: get this guy away from me. So I go into

656
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 1: all because it's the way it was. It's like to

657
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 1: walk up the hill. But there was an apartments on

658
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 1: the hill, and so the one apartment, I went inside

659
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,680
Speaker 1: the door and I just sat in the hallway. I thought,

660
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:38,719
Speaker 1: and I remember thinking, my should I knock on one

661
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,520
Speaker 1: of these those doors? But you know, I don't want

662
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,240
Speaker 1: to just go on shot in his house. I could say, hey,

663
00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:44,080
Speaker 1: boys following me, but I don't know who's gonna open

664
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: this door, and take me in their homes. I just said, okay,

665
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: stay in this hallway. Stayed for a few minutes and

666
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 1: maybe he'll leave. So I stayed. I came back out,

667
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 1: he was still there. So instead of going back in

668
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 1: the hallway, I decided to keep making my way home.

669
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: He continued to follow me. He waited until we got

670
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,120
Speaker 1: the way the hill was. At the top of the hill,

671
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:03,320
Speaker 1: there were stairs with bars, but you can still see

672
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,280
Speaker 1: through it covered. Um I walked. When I make it

673
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 1: to the very top of the stairs, that's when he

674
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:10,560
Speaker 1: takes me, pushed me against the wall, open up my

675
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 1: leg and put push his body in my life, you know,

676
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 1: in between my thighs and say I thought you were

677
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:17,960
Speaker 1: gonna play with me today. And then that's when I

678
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: just screamed. And it were people. Since I made it

679
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,000
Speaker 1: to the top level, there were people, other kids and

680
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 1: stuff outside, and instead of him going forth with whatever

681
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 1: he was planning to do to me, he just let

682
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,640
Speaker 1: me go. And I don't know if he's ran off

683
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,280
Speaker 1: or walked off. Either way. I went home and I

684
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:35,160
Speaker 1: didn't tell anyone about that either. And what happened to him,

685
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:36,880
Speaker 1: Like did you ever see him and getting out of

686
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,880
Speaker 1: that or yeah, because I don't even know who he was.

687
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. And then you was also my lesson by

688
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 1: two girls. Yes, so my mother when I feel like

689
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,360
Speaker 1: people your story, people gonna have their kids around nobody

690
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 1: they and you. Yeah, because I'm my daughter, stuck to

691
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:03,680
Speaker 1: my head, I'm telling you so yeah. So um when

692
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: my mom now these two it was like my mom

693
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,920
Speaker 1: was afraid her boyfriends would molest meat, but no, we

694
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,279
Speaker 1: actually ended up being her boyfriend's kids. Um. So one

695
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:15,120
Speaker 1: of the incident, Uh, this guy she was dating, he

696
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 1: would bring his niece over and, um, I remember we're

697
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 1: in the room. We were humping big old teddy bears.

698
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,960
Speaker 1: For whatever reason, she convinced me like we're gonna play

699
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,560
Speaker 1: humping and you hump this. I had a big teddy

700
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,680
Speaker 1: bear on the bed. I'm humping the teddy bear. She's

701
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:29,799
Speaker 1: humping another teddy beer. So then she's like, you need

702
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 1: to come hump me, and I was like no, like no,

703
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:35,759
Speaker 1: and she's like, if you don't come hump me, I'm

704
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:37,839
Speaker 1: gonna tell your mother using here humping the teddy beer.

705
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:41,000
Speaker 1: So I'm like okay, like thinking I'm gonna get in

706
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,879
Speaker 1: trouble if she tells my mom of course I'm a kid.

707
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:44,879
Speaker 1: I don't know any better. So I'm like, okay, So

708
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,440
Speaker 1: now I get into bed with her and me and her.

709
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:53,279
Speaker 1: And then the second instant um is time was my

710
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 1: mother was dating another guy and he um hit me

711
00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:59,239
Speaker 1: and his daughter was left alone in the room. I

712
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:01,680
Speaker 1: remember the girl she was telling me, and she was like,

713
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:03,839
Speaker 1: you know, if you hold your p and you push

714
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,960
Speaker 1: on your stomach right here, it's gonna feel it's gonna

715
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:07,560
Speaker 1: make you feel something. It's gonna make you feel good.

716
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, So she starts like pushing on

717
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:13,239
Speaker 1: my stomach and stuff. Then I know she lays on

718
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,360
Speaker 1: the bed and she opens up her legs and shows

719
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:17,880
Speaker 1: me her vagina and she wants to hunt me and

720
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:20,000
Speaker 1: m she she was a little bit older than me,

721
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: maybe a year or two, I don't know how much older,

722
00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 1: but and so now she has me humping her. M h.

723
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,400
Speaker 1: That was just the two incidents of the with the

724
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,880
Speaker 1: two females. But it's like, you know that, And of

725
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,279
Speaker 1: course she's thinking up stairs playing with another little group.

726
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 1: She's not knowing that these girls are like you're gonna

727
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 1: do this with me or I'm gonna tell or they're

728
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 1: just exposing you. And then you know you're the younger one,

729
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:44,920
Speaker 1: so you're just like, Okay, I'm just gonna go along

730
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,440
Speaker 1: with it. You don't really at this age. I'm still

731
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:51,319
Speaker 1: like seven or eight at this time, and you really

732
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:52,960
Speaker 1: have to be careful with your kids around because I

733
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:54,440
Speaker 1: remember when I was a kid, we have to always

734
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:58,840
Speaker 1: play a house exactly. Um yeah, because I don't remember

735
00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:01,720
Speaker 1: you off, I don't remember me initiating it. I remember

736
00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:04,239
Speaker 1: people like teaching me what it was, and I would

737
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:07,400
Speaker 1: just play along with it exactly. And that just those shows.

738
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 1: So many kids are exposed to this and we think

739
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,080
Speaker 1: it's normal. Like I grew up thinking humphing was so normal,

740
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,919
Speaker 1: like like it was. Yeah, it's like it's no big

741
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,719
Speaker 1: deal like I was. So the upstairs being him will

742
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:24,160
Speaker 1: go outstead of just hump right, hump our clothes, thinking

743
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,439
Speaker 1: as normal. And now that i'm I'm like, I wish

744
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:28,719
Speaker 1: I would catch somebody doing this to my child, even

745
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: though they're a kid. You know, but kids are exposed

746
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 1: so early. You really you have to watch what they're

747
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,359
Speaker 1: watching on TV and everything, and people think it's it's

748
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,439
Speaker 1: no big deal, but you have you can't. You can't

749
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:42,279
Speaker 1: just you're opening up for those when you let your

750
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,600
Speaker 1: kids watch the stuff on TV or let them listen

751
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:47,960
Speaker 1: to starting to see certain music videos. All this sexualization

752
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 1: in the world. You have to you have to teach

753
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 1: your kids about this. You can't just let them watch

754
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:53,920
Speaker 1: this stuff and not explain it to them, because then

755
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,960
Speaker 1: they become curious and they're gonna try to things with

756
00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:03,439
Speaker 1: other kids. Did you have a question your sexuality? I did. Yeah.

757
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,560
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it was just because of the two girls,

758
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:09,720
Speaker 1: but like growing up, I UM, I didn't really question

759
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,360
Speaker 1: it like um around that age. I started questioning it

760
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 1: once I started hanging with my cousin who she told

761
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: me she was kind of into the girls, and I'm

762
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:21,279
Speaker 1: like no, But then she started breaking girls around me

763
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 1: that were studs, the ones that looked like boys, and

764
00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:26,640
Speaker 1: I did start to like question. And then I had

765
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:28,880
Speaker 1: my little phase of you know, getting your heart broken

766
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,040
Speaker 1: my voice, and then I wanted to have a phase

767
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 1: where it's like I hated men because I'm like every

768
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,680
Speaker 1: man I love. It's like the they you know, the

769
00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:40,080
Speaker 1: thing that was my grandfather was my cousin with It's

770
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,480
Speaker 1: like all the men I love, they always they're doing

771
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:44,799
Speaker 1: bad things to me, and then my father he wasn't

772
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:47,040
Speaker 1: in my life, so it's like I hate men. So

773
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,320
Speaker 1: then I did started questioning like should I try to,

774
00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:53,360
Speaker 1: you know, be with the woman like they start the question,

775
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 1: but I didn't know that. I felt like, no, that's

776
00:37:56,239 --> 00:37:57,799
Speaker 1: not the lifestyle I wanted to live. So I did

777
00:37:57,840 --> 00:37:59,840
Speaker 1: get out of that, but they did. I went to

778
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:04,080
Speaker 1: in the face. And then there was also a situation

779
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 1: with your grandfather. He was trying to touch on you. Yes,

780
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:11,800
Speaker 1: So growing up and my grandfather, we were a club

781
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,400
Speaker 1: by my family. They moved away and I was like five,

782
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 1: but before then that I was with my dad's I

783
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,040
Speaker 1: was all the time. So I was real close with them.

784
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,719
Speaker 1: So when they moved away, they would get us for

785
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:25,560
Speaker 1: the summer, will come down south visit and then um,

786
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,720
Speaker 1: when they came to visit, you know it's my grandfather,

787
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:29,360
Speaker 1: he was kind of being mean, like he wasn't the

788
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,279
Speaker 1: same nice grandfather that he used to be. He was

789
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:35,440
Speaker 1: kind of mean then, you know, he didn't try anything then.

790
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 1: So when I did come back to visit again at

791
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:40,240
Speaker 1: the age of six, I came to visit at fourteen,

792
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:42,359
Speaker 1: he was he was nice then then I came back

793
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:46,800
Speaker 1: at sixteen. I came back at sixteen. The first time, Um,

794
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:48,600
Speaker 1: actually we would they would make us sleep in the

795
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:51,719
Speaker 1: same room together because we're all family piled up in

796
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,200
Speaker 1: it was like three bear rooms, but we just had

797
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:55,960
Speaker 1: to pick a room. A lot of kids was spending night,

798
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,680
Speaker 1: my dad, my sisters and cousins. Everyone's piled up to

799
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,560
Speaker 1: you basically just have to where you can't. So they

800
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: would put him in the room with me, but he

801
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 1: was in the bed across the room. I was in

802
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:06,239
Speaker 1: the other bed, And there would be times I would

803
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,399
Speaker 1: wake up in the middle of the night. He has

804
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,880
Speaker 1: his Johnson now playing with it like and I'm like,

805
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 1: so I would just constantly turn my back and I'm like,

806
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:15,600
Speaker 1: he knows them up, you know. But he didn't try anything.

807
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:19,040
Speaker 1: He's just there pleasuring himself, even gone in the room.

808
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,799
Speaker 1: So the first time he tried something, me and him

809
00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,040
Speaker 1: had took home to my aunt's house and spend the

810
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: night over there because they had to do something at

811
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 1: the house that we're living in my grandmother's house. And

812
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,560
Speaker 1: when he caught me out the room, he was sleeping

813
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:32,880
Speaker 1: in the living room. I was in my cousin's room.

814
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:34,560
Speaker 1: He came he want me to come here. So I

815
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,080
Speaker 1: come and he's like, I'm gonna give you some money.

816
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:39,800
Speaker 1: When I get my check, I'm like okay, like yeah, grandfather,

817
00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:41,120
Speaker 1: you're gonna give me some money. And he's like, yeah,

818
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,320
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you some money. And I'm like, okay,

819
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,359
Speaker 1: you're gonna give me some money. And then he uh

820
00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:49,239
Speaker 1: put my hand and tried to put my hand in

821
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,960
Speaker 1: his pants to touch on the Johnson. And at this

822
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:54,240
Speaker 1: time I'm sixteen, so I'm like, this is not gonna happen.

823
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:56,439
Speaker 1: So I just got up and ran to the room

824
00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 1: and locked the door m hm and every and then

825
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:01,799
Speaker 1: he was just a jerk and he was mean to

826
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:10,000
Speaker 1: me from that point and also as um okay, yeah,

827
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,520
Speaker 1: So that after situation happened with me, I didn't tell

828
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: because I didn't know how the family was gonna take it,

829
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:18,480
Speaker 1: So I didn't tell, even act normal and just still

830
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:21,040
Speaker 1: living the house with him. So okay, I moved away,

831
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:23,440
Speaker 1: came back down to visit, and so my cousin wants

832
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:25,359
Speaker 1: to spend the night with me at my grandparents house.

833
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:28,919
Speaker 1: So we all went to sleep. On the next day,

834
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:31,680
Speaker 1: I wake up and to the family, it's a whole

835
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,240
Speaker 1: big thing because she told it. She said she was asleep,

836
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,200
Speaker 1: she woke up, his hands were in her pants, and

837
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,360
Speaker 1: so my first thought, and I did open up to

838
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 1: her um a couple of years ago about what he

839
00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 1: did to me, so of course I wanted to talk

840
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:45,320
Speaker 1: to her, but she didn't want to talk to anyone,

841
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,319
Speaker 1: so I couldn't get in touch with her. So I

842
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 1: text her mom, like to have her call me, you know,

843
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:51,960
Speaker 1: like tell me what happened, because I'm just hearing the

844
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,399
Speaker 1: story of what she told her family and they're calling

845
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,120
Speaker 1: my family and everyone's going back and forth. But everyone

846
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 1: believes my grandfather. He's like, I wouldn't do that, which

847
00:40:59,719 --> 00:41:05,080
Speaker 1: he was. He didn't have a brain aneurism, so I don't.

848
00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:07,799
Speaker 1: I was able to forgive him because I felt like

849
00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:10,280
Speaker 1: it was because of his because before his brain aneurism,

850
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,239
Speaker 1: he never tried anything like that. But I also knew, like,

851
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 1: he does not need to be a wrong kids. But

852
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,759
Speaker 1: my cousin she spoke up, and then my family didn't

853
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:20,600
Speaker 1: believe her. So of course I felt bad because I'm like, okay,

854
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:22,080
Speaker 1: I can speak up and say what happens to me.

855
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 1: Then they might say, well, I didn't not speak up.

856
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,160
Speaker 1: But when it happened, and how are they gonna Are

857
00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:29,760
Speaker 1: they gonna believe me or are they gonna believe him?

858
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:33,160
Speaker 1: And then um, after that situation, my sister, me and

859
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 1: her were talking. This was years later. My grandfather is

860
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 1: dead at this point, and me and my sister were

861
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: in the room talking and she I don't know how

862
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 1: we got on the subject. And then I'm like, who

863
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:44,919
Speaker 1: did who was it? And she was like, I don't

864
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:46,759
Speaker 1: want to tell you, and I'm like no, I'm said,

865
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:48,759
Speaker 1: if you tell me what happened to you, I'll open

866
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:50,239
Speaker 1: up to tell you what happened to me. And then

867
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:52,400
Speaker 1: that's when she told me that he used to play

868
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:54,960
Speaker 1: and her vagina when she was a little girl, and

869
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:57,319
Speaker 1: that just that that that's the one that really broke

870
00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 1: me because this is my baby sister. And I'm like, damn.

871
00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:04,400
Speaker 1: If I possibly would have spoken up, he you know,

872
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,040
Speaker 1: he would have got kicked off the house, or he

873
00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 1: would have would the kids around me. But I was

874
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:12,680
Speaker 1: afraid of the backlash, So that that really hurt me.

875
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,799
Speaker 1: That's another lock up so much now because I could

876
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:17,920
Speaker 1: have saved my sister from possi to getting molested my

877
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 1: our grandfather. What do you think it's going on with

878
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,719
Speaker 1: these men in his family, because you also spoke about

879
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 1: how y'all all compete on you and I think your cousin. Yeah,

880
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:30,600
Speaker 1: me and Um, you know, she was like a cousin.

881
00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:32,920
Speaker 1: She was just the she was a neighborhood friend of mine,

882
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,560
Speaker 1: but she was like family on Me and her were

883
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:39,759
Speaker 1: in the bathtub and I and this is when I'm

884
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,239
Speaker 1: like four or five. I remember he came back from

885
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:45,600
Speaker 1: the pee and I just remember he opened the curtain.

886
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 1: He just pissed on us, like he was just pete

887
00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:51,680
Speaker 1: and we're kids, so I didn't, you know, like you're

888
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 1: being on it, like you know, talking about the way.

889
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:55,719
Speaker 1: But now that I'm an adult, like what the hell?

890
00:42:55,800 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 1: You know I would kill someone? But I don't know.

891
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:05,560
Speaker 1: I yeah, I'm like I killed Yeah, that is just

892
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:07,319
Speaker 1: I'm like, what the hell? But later on I did

893
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:10,320
Speaker 1: find out that that uncle Um was doing drugs. I

894
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:12,239
Speaker 1: don't know if he's doing drugs at that time, but

895
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,880
Speaker 1: I did find out later on that he was Um

896
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:19,279
Speaker 1: and yeah, doing some drugs. So maybe that's why he

897
00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:21,640
Speaker 1: did it or maybe I still don't know because he

898
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:23,720
Speaker 1: was at least in his early twenties when this happened

899
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:29,359
Speaker 1: as you know better, like so yes, I that went

900
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 1: baffles me still because I don't get why the hell

901
00:43:31,719 --> 00:43:35,279
Speaker 1: would you be honest? And then even with their um,

902
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,919
Speaker 1: even with your cousin's mom, boyfriend said that he hopped

903
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 1: in a bed with you because he was crying and

904
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:46,799
Speaker 1: he was, yeah, so with this um and this was

905
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:49,520
Speaker 1: my cousin, the one that I got molested my grandfather,

906
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,960
Speaker 1: this was her community was super close, so um. And

907
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:56,520
Speaker 1: then when this happened, um that I was seventeen, Oh,

908
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:58,239
Speaker 1: my me and my boyfriend broke up. I'm in the bed,

909
00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:01,520
Speaker 1: but who crying? My um becausin's mom. I was living

910
00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 1: with them. She would leave me, you know there and

911
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:05,400
Speaker 1: she would go to work because I would go to

912
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:06,879
Speaker 1: school because I was out of school at this time,

913
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 1: so I was still living with them. So I'm in

914
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 1: the bed. Who crying? So the bathroom and the door

915
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:13,759
Speaker 1: my cousin's room in the bathroom were connected. So once

916
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: you walk into her room, you gotta walk to the

917
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:17,520
Speaker 1: bathroom and you gotta get out to another door. So

918
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:19,719
Speaker 1: he heard me in the client. He opened the door.

919
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,520
Speaker 1: He peeped in and he's like, what's wrong or something?

920
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:24,239
Speaker 1: And I was just like I told him. I said, so,

921
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 1: I'm so broke up with me, and he was like, Okay,

922
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:28,879
Speaker 1: I'll be back. I don't worry, I'll be back. And

923
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:30,799
Speaker 1: I when he said that, I kind of was like, what,

924
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:36,120
Speaker 1: you know what I learned? So he dropped my um

925
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:39,560
Speaker 1: cousin's mom off at work and he comes and he

926
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:41,600
Speaker 1: hops into bed with me. He takes off the clothes.

927
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:44,680
Speaker 1: He's just in his boxers and he's like, um, what

928
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 1: is that. He's like, I'm hungry. You got something for

929
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:49,040
Speaker 1: me to eat? And I'm like, I'm crying. I'm in

930
00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:51,319
Speaker 1: here just but my I'm trying, like what would even

931
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,879
Speaker 1: make you think that I'm gonna sit here and do

932
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,759
Speaker 1: anything with you? So I just got it both to

933
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:59,680
Speaker 1: do it, and I called her once I knew that

934
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:01,279
Speaker 1: he was of the room I got because I didn't

935
00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:02,839
Speaker 1: even have a cell phone, I heard get their house

936
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:04,440
Speaker 1: phone that I had to make it out the bathroom

937
00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 1: to get the house phone. I called her. She's at

938
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:08,520
Speaker 1: work and I said, he just talked in bed with me.

939
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 1: He said this, and she was like, oh, he's probably hot.

940
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: She knew that he poss hills, so she's like, oh,

941
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:15,360
Speaker 1: he's probably just hot. She was like, just stay in

942
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:17,359
Speaker 1: the room, you know, don't come out, just staying there,

943
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 1: and nothing happened. She still stayed with them. I don't

944
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,000
Speaker 1: think she ever even brought it up to him. She

945
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 1: just And that's why I say a lot of women

946
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:34,360
Speaker 1: they just ignored what's now. He has no idea about

947
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,960
Speaker 1: all the things that I've been through. But me and

948
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 1: him we do have a relationship now. Growing up, I

949
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:43,440
Speaker 1: did hate him because I felt like you weren't here

950
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:47,200
Speaker 1: for me and um where I live now, like a

951
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 1: lot of the men here they like white women. And

952
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,360
Speaker 1: growing up up north, you don't see that. When you

953
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:55,839
Speaker 1: come down South, that all you see. And so that

954
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:58,760
Speaker 1: made me feel away with my dad because my siblings

955
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 1: are all mixed with white. So it made me feel like, yes,

956
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:07,359
Speaker 1: so it made me feel like you cherish these white kids.

957
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,319
Speaker 1: He was here for these white kids, you love these

958
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,480
Speaker 1: white kids. That I'm a black child and I have

959
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:13,719
Speaker 1: another sister, and like you left me, your your two

960
00:46:13,719 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 1: black kids. You wasn't here for us. He wasn't there

961
00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:18,239
Speaker 1: for us. But when I come down here, these white kids,

962
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:19,799
Speaker 1: you're living with them, you're taking care of them, you're

963
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:21,880
Speaker 1: doing everything for them. You're still with their mom. You know,

964
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,560
Speaker 1: they have that dad because even when I did come

965
00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:26,640
Speaker 1: here and to move and I moved it beside the family,

966
00:46:26,719 --> 00:46:29,560
Speaker 1: he still this stuff up and be a dad like

967
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:31,840
Speaker 1: I felt he should have. I still was living with

968
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 1: your parents. You still didn't do anything for me. But

969
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 1: these white kids get you know. So that made me

970
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:39,040
Speaker 1: feel a type of way with that whole situation. But

971
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:41,720
Speaker 1: um so I kind of like I loved my sisters

972
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:43,759
Speaker 1: and brothers like I did damn nothing to do it

973
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:48,640
Speaker 1: how he you know I was. I separated those two. Yeah,

974
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,040
Speaker 1: I loved it them, but I definitely always go away

975
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:53,560
Speaker 1: towards him. And one time we had a situation where

976
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:55,520
Speaker 1: I had to spend the night at their house because

977
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:58,399
Speaker 1: my life had got cut off and they couldn't get

978
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,080
Speaker 1: cut back on the people couldn't come back out to

979
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,040
Speaker 1: come him on to the next day because um I

980
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:04,839
Speaker 1: missed the freaking It's a long story, but a long

981
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: story short. I had the money. I forgot to pay it,

982
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,000
Speaker 1: and my sister with my house was like your lights off.

983
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:10,960
Speaker 1: I'm like what I called people? They couldn't pay it,

984
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,200
Speaker 1: and I mean I couldn't. They couldn't say, yeah, you

985
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:14,600
Speaker 1: can pay it, but we can't come out, SOI tomorrow.

986
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,240
Speaker 1: So I pay them. They say we'll be on tomorrow.

987
00:47:16,280 --> 00:47:18,800
Speaker 1: So no where am I gonna go. So my stepmom

988
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:20,799
Speaker 1: she's like come to my house and still hear me

989
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:23,439
Speaker 1: that and I'm like okay, So I go. I spend

990
00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:25,880
Speaker 1: the night and my dad it's like he finally opened

991
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:28,239
Speaker 1: up and just explained his side of the story as

992
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 1: far as saying how he was young because he was

993
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:32,759
Speaker 1: only seventeen when he had me, So he just explained it.

994
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,880
Speaker 1: And then from that conversation, I let the hate go.

995
00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:37,920
Speaker 1: So I feel like all that happened for a reason

996
00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:40,440
Speaker 1: with um the lights, and I just like God did

997
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:41,560
Speaker 1: that for me to get that hate out of my

998
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:43,759
Speaker 1: work because I walked around hate him, but he just

999
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:45,879
Speaker 1: kind of broke it all down up. I was young,

1000
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 1: I was this, this this is my mindset, and I

1001
00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:50,560
Speaker 1: just I just let the hate goes. So now we're cool.

1002
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:52,840
Speaker 1: We have here, Dad thought the relationship. We're still not

1003
00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:55,120
Speaker 1: super duper close, but we can talk about a lot.

1004
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:57,560
Speaker 1: But I have not opened up to him about all

1005
00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:59,439
Speaker 1: of this and what kind of pisses me off about

1006
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:02,319
Speaker 1: my dad. He knows I'm paranoid about this, and he

1007
00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:04,319
Speaker 1: kind of makes fun of me about it when it

1008
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:06,200
Speaker 1: comes to my daughter, like you're not gonna get a

1009
00:48:06,239 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: man because you're so just you're two paranoisone's gonna touch

1010
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:11,359
Speaker 1: your damn daughter. Like he said that to me one day,

1011
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 1: and I kind of got so his. I wanted to

1012
00:48:14,239 --> 00:48:17,160
Speaker 1: just like, mother, you wanna know why, Like you wanna

1013
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,799
Speaker 1: know why I'm so paranoid because your your father, your

1014
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:23,200
Speaker 1: your your cousin molested my sister. Your your cousin molested me,

1015
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:25,080
Speaker 1: your nephew molested I said, you know, I wanted to

1016
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 1: just blurt it all out, And sometimes I still wonder

1017
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:35,719
Speaker 1: should I. You know, the way my family is is,

1018
00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:39,440
Speaker 1: I don't I want him to know, but it's just

1019
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:41,400
Speaker 1: the back of the things I might have to I

1020
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:44,480
Speaker 1: just don't know. Because my cousin, cousin who is not

1021
00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:46,920
Speaker 1: alive anymore. That's and my grandfather is not alive, you know,

1022
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,840
Speaker 1: So sometimes I feel like it's just it's kind of

1023
00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:52,319
Speaker 1: no point because they're not alive. But my cousin, who,

1024
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:57,120
Speaker 1: my nep who was my cousin, my um, my dad's nephew,

1025
00:48:57,520 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 1: he's alive, he molested my sister but he lives at

1026
00:48:59,480 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 1: another stay eight and my dad still talks to him,

1027
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:03,360
Speaker 1: So I kind of want to bring that up, but

1028
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:06,920
Speaker 1: you know, that's my sister story, so it's like we

1029
00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:08,960
Speaker 1: didn't bring it up. I can't really bring it up,

1030
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:12,040
Speaker 1: but it's a part of me. I can. I'll do sometimes.

1031
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 1: I'm like, if he pisses me off enough, I'm gonna

1032
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 1: blurt it out that when he yeah, he said that

1033
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:19,239
Speaker 1: about my daughter, Like yet sup here annoyed And I'm like,

1034
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: don't you think it's a reason. No, damn reason, right.

1035
00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:26,560
Speaker 1: I definitely think you should pray on it. But I mean,

1036
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:29,279
Speaker 1: I know it's easier and said than done, but I

1037
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:31,960
Speaker 1: would probably say something because we can't keep we can't

1038
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:33,799
Speaker 1: keep this happening because ain't no telling what they're doing

1039
00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:37,120
Speaker 1: in these other states. You know. Yeah, you're right, and

1040
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:40,080
Speaker 1: it's that and that's what I want to but which

1041
00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:47,200
Speaker 1: I understand definitely. But yeah, you in what ways has

1042
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:52,200
Speaker 1: be a moless to affected you? Oh? They they. I

1043
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:55,399
Speaker 1: feel like that's the reason I'm single too. I'm thirty two,

1044
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:58,600
Speaker 1: almost thirty three and I'm still single. Um, And the

1045
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,960
Speaker 1: reason I had some was to do with the I

1046
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:04,160
Speaker 1: don't trust men, of course, but I don't. I don't

1047
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 1: take it out one. I don't think whoever man's are

1048
00:50:06,239 --> 00:50:08,560
Speaker 1: trying blessed to No, I don't think every man is bad.

1049
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:11,120
Speaker 1: But it makes me overly paranoid. But it makes me

1050
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: shut down. How I said, Like when I was three,

1051
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 1: I created that other personality and my relationships. I was

1052
00:50:16,760 --> 00:50:18,880
Speaker 1: shut down when things would happened that I didn't like

1053
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:21,880
Speaker 1: me and my guy for boyfriend at the time or whatever.

1054
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:24,719
Speaker 1: Once we had that disagreement, I would just sit there

1055
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:26,960
Speaker 1: and he can be so we can he can be mad,

1056
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:28,920
Speaker 1: you know we haven't. I was just shut down, like

1057
00:50:29,040 --> 00:50:30,560
Speaker 1: it's like he's not even talking to me. It's like

1058
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:33,520
Speaker 1: I'm not even there. So that messed up, you know,

1059
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,600
Speaker 1: some relationships because they like you just shut down and

1060
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:37,719
Speaker 1: you're just not here, and I'm just like, yeah, I'm going.

1061
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:41,360
Speaker 1: And then it makes me go after the wrong guys

1062
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:44,520
Speaker 1: um because I would want the guy that I wanted

1063
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:46,360
Speaker 1: that didn't pay me too much attention. Because when the

1064
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:48,680
Speaker 1: guy I would show me too much attention, it's like

1065
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:50,640
Speaker 1: he wants me. It makes me feel like that little

1066
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:54,359
Speaker 1: girl again inside, and it's like I shut down. It's

1067
00:50:54,400 --> 00:50:56,120
Speaker 1: like he wants me too bad, and it's making me

1068
00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:59,280
Speaker 1: feel yucky inside, like keep wanting me, how my cousin

1069
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:01,360
Speaker 1: wanted me, how my friend part wanted me. So it

1070
00:51:01,719 --> 00:51:05,160
Speaker 1: messed me up psychologically, and years and years I asked

1071
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:07,040
Speaker 1: myself like, should I go get some type of therapy?

1072
00:51:07,120 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 1: Should I? You know? And I never did, and now

1073
00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:12,480
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe I do need to because I

1074
00:51:12,719 --> 00:51:14,799
Speaker 1: want to fix that because I'm like, I'm I want

1075
00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:16,879
Speaker 1: to get married. I want to have a good relationship

1076
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:19,160
Speaker 1: and be able to love a man the correct way

1077
00:51:19,200 --> 00:51:21,880
Speaker 1: and be able to receive love because it's like I

1078
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:24,319
Speaker 1: love the ones who do me wrong instead of loving

1079
00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:26,160
Speaker 1: the ones that truly love me and the ones that

1080
00:51:26,239 --> 00:51:27,759
Speaker 1: say I love you, I want to beute you, and

1081
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:29,399
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh no, you want me too bad,

1082
00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:31,880
Speaker 1: get away from me. And it sounds so tarded, but

1083
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:35,080
Speaker 1: it it messed me up what I went through. And

1084
00:51:35,200 --> 00:51:37,520
Speaker 1: you also say you only like to date younger men

1085
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:40,879
Speaker 1: because older men will also make you feel like a child. Yes,

1086
00:51:41,040 --> 00:51:44,640
Speaker 1: I've grown out of that, I feel, but but yes,

1087
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:54,000
Speaker 1: um yeah, yeah, but I used to have that feeling like, yeah,

1088
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: the older guy, it I felt like that little girl.

1089
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:59,120
Speaker 1: So it's like a guy that was younger than me.

1090
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:01,840
Speaker 1: I felt like it was just I felt safer. I

1091
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:03,920
Speaker 1: don't I can't even explain it, but I just felt

1092
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:06,719
Speaker 1: safer with the younger guy because it wasn't like the

1093
00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:09,440
Speaker 1: old Because the everyone who molested me or try to

1094
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:11,440
Speaker 1: rape me or molesting or everything, they always were older

1095
00:52:11,440 --> 00:52:14,080
Speaker 1: than me. So when a younger guy wanted me, it's like, Okay,

1096
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:16,200
Speaker 1: I'm the older one. I guess I felt more dominant

1097
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:21,360
Speaker 1: because I'm like, yeah, so so, yeah, I felt more comfortable.

1098
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:23,759
Speaker 1: Do you feel like the grown ups in your life

1099
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:30,680
Speaker 1: failed you? I would say yes, but I have to

1100
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:33,240
Speaker 1: look at what they went through. So when it comes

1101
00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:36,040
Speaker 1: to well, when it comes to my grandmother, one thing

1102
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:38,520
Speaker 1: about her um on my mom's side, the one who

1103
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,319
Speaker 1: raised me, the one who went through getting raped and

1104
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:43,680
Speaker 1: all that she never had us around any minut But

1105
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:45,799
Speaker 1: she also never talks to me about the lest says

1106
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:47,960
Speaker 1: she never opened up and told me her story, but

1107
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:50,839
Speaker 1: she didn't. She never put us into situation as far

1108
00:52:50,920 --> 00:52:53,520
Speaker 1: as um and her day in life where she dated anyone.

1109
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:57,360
Speaker 1: She never brought any men around us or anything. My mom.

1110
00:52:57,520 --> 00:53:00,520
Speaker 1: I don't blame her for nothing, because once you hear

1111
00:53:00,560 --> 00:53:03,560
Speaker 1: it once she tells her story, I can't be upset

1112
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:05,239
Speaker 1: with her because I'm like, your mom failed you know.

1113
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:07,919
Speaker 1: I realized, like your mom failed you, your grandmother failed

1114
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:09,080
Speaker 1: you. You You didn't have and you had me at a

1115
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:10,799
Speaker 1: young aide. You didn't have the proper guy that she

1116
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:14,000
Speaker 1: didn't have. But but she did try. She did open

1117
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:15,839
Speaker 1: up and talk to me about the molestation. She did

1118
00:53:16,160 --> 00:53:18,719
Speaker 1: tell me talk to me, so she did, but it

1119
00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:21,160
Speaker 1: was me who just decided not to. Now on my

1120
00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:23,560
Speaker 1: dad's side, I feel like they're a little more naive,

1121
00:53:23,880 --> 00:53:25,920
Speaker 1: Excuse me, I feel like they're a little more nain

1122
00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:28,480
Speaker 1: when it comes to that because they never talked to

1123
00:53:28,520 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: none of us about molestation. They never they felt like

1124
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:32,680
Speaker 1: they can trust us with anyone in the family. But

1125
00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:36,000
Speaker 1: I feel like that's because they were never molested. So

1126
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:40,640
Speaker 1: that's why, well, yeah, that's that I know of so

1127
00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:43,920
Speaker 1: and I just feel like, yeah, and so that's why

1128
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:45,719
Speaker 1: I think when it comes to the wind, because like

1129
00:53:45,760 --> 00:53:47,560
Speaker 1: me and my sister that were molested, and you can

1130
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:50,200
Speaker 1: tell the difference between her, me, me and my sister

1131
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:53,600
Speaker 1: is uh, because we all have kids. The one I

1132
00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:55,520
Speaker 1: said that, as far as I know of, she never

1133
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:57,919
Speaker 1: said anything about me and molested. She's different. What she's

1134
00:53:57,960 --> 00:54:00,360
Speaker 1: more trusting with letting her kids go play, says, and

1135
00:54:00,400 --> 00:54:02,440
Speaker 1: being around people with me and my other sister. Our

1136
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:04,399
Speaker 1: kids are always with us, like we don't play that

1137
00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:07,200
Speaker 1: they can't go nowhere right, So how do you think

1138
00:54:07,239 --> 00:54:11,800
Speaker 1: we can break this generational curse within our community? Because families,

1139
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,799
Speaker 1: I feel like, first the ones who have been molested,

1140
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:18,759
Speaker 1: they need to get the proper counseling. They need to

1141
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:20,879
Speaker 1: get the proper so they can know how to deal

1142
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:23,160
Speaker 1: with it properly and that they don't turn to the

1143
00:54:23,239 --> 00:54:27,440
Speaker 1: drugs or the alcohol or taking it out on being angry,

1144
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:29,800
Speaker 1: taking it out on the wrong people are taking on themselves.

1145
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:33,080
Speaker 1: I definitely feel like we need counseling um, and I

1146
00:54:33,120 --> 00:54:36,480
Speaker 1: feel like we have to have these open conversations with

1147
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:39,200
Speaker 1: our kids. We cannot keep it bothered in. We need

1148
00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:41,360
Speaker 1: to say, this is what happens to mommy, this is

1149
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:43,239
Speaker 1: what happens to whoever. They need to know that it

1150
00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:46,080
Speaker 1: happens to us. We can't because if they because that's

1151
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:48,759
Speaker 1: that it makes a child feel more comfortable in some situations,

1152
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:51,239
Speaker 1: they won't feel like definitely like this happens to someone

1153
00:54:51,280 --> 00:54:52,800
Speaker 1: else too, so I can talk about it if it

1154
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:56,400
Speaker 1: happens to me. And also definitely watch who you have

1155
00:54:56,440 --> 00:54:58,520
Speaker 1: your kids around. Stop having your kids feeling like, oh,

1156
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:00,000
Speaker 1: this is my boyfriend I could trusting with my child.

1157
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,319
Speaker 1: This is whoever. Watch the signs if you noticed this

1158
00:55:03,360 --> 00:55:05,279
Speaker 1: person is a little too comfortable with kids and they

1159
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:07,520
Speaker 1: want the kids to sit on their lap and they

1160
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:10,480
Speaker 1: want they say little things like I heard a guy,

1161
00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:13,879
Speaker 1: my sister's boyfriend. She didn't pay any attention at all.

1162
00:55:14,600 --> 00:55:19,879
Speaker 1: Her boyfriend called my baby sexy to her. They were

1163
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:22,480
Speaker 1: on they were shoot, they were on video chat and

1164
00:55:22,880 --> 00:55:24,680
Speaker 1: my cousin I made my sister put my baby on.

1165
00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:26,200
Speaker 1: You know, he knew, he knows my baby. She's like, oh,

1166
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:28,240
Speaker 1: I'm here with my sister. Done in the baby because

1167
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:30,879
Speaker 1: I hate sexy baby. Sexy baby, so as I had

1168
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:32,560
Speaker 1: to me that was a trigger for me. But to her,

1169
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:35,080
Speaker 1: and she's the one who wasn't molested as far as

1170
00:55:35,120 --> 00:55:37,600
Speaker 1: I know, so she it didn't bother her. It didn't

1171
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:39,759
Speaker 1: trigger anything on her. So I'm like, people need to

1172
00:55:39,800 --> 00:55:43,480
Speaker 1: become more aware of things like that. You need to

1173
00:55:43,560 --> 00:55:45,879
Speaker 1: watch how people are looking at your kids, Like if

1174
00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:47,960
Speaker 1: you I noticed one time too, like I was changing

1175
00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:50,799
Speaker 1: my baby's diaper. Um, you know she's a baby, so

1176
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:53,120
Speaker 1: so you think you know going to be looking. I

1177
00:55:53,160 --> 00:55:56,680
Speaker 1: look up. I noticed that my sisters um boyfriend, I

1178
00:55:56,719 --> 00:55:59,040
Speaker 1: like her, her baby daddy he was looking that way,

1179
00:55:59,080 --> 00:56:02,720
Speaker 1: and I'm like, why know just the fact, but I noticed.

1180
00:56:02,719 --> 00:56:05,480
Speaker 1: So it's like these are things other people no one

1181
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:07,799
Speaker 1: else and was as the whole family was there. No

1182
00:56:07,840 --> 00:56:10,239
Speaker 1: one else picked this up but me. So it's like,

1183
00:56:10,320 --> 00:56:12,839
Speaker 1: but I pay attention, So I feel the way one

1184
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,120
Speaker 1: of the ways to help breaking we have to pay

1185
00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:18,279
Speaker 1: attention to these a little things they say, little things

1186
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:20,839
Speaker 1: they do, and pay attention to how your kids are

1187
00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:24,920
Speaker 1: reacting around certain people and if their behavior changes, we

1188
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:27,520
Speaker 1: have to You have to watch everything. Just stop being

1189
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:30,759
Speaker 1: so trusting of people. And if you do. Of course,

1190
00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:32,520
Speaker 1: people have to work, people have to go places. If

1191
00:56:32,520 --> 00:56:35,040
Speaker 1: you do have to send your child off somewhere when

1192
00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:36,880
Speaker 1: they get back, you don't have to say this some

1193
00:56:36,920 --> 00:56:39,000
Speaker 1: one unless you don't do it like that, but you

1194
00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:41,399
Speaker 1: do have to say, hey, what did you do? Like

1195
00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:43,600
Speaker 1: you know, it's like you have to do it in

1196
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:47,040
Speaker 1: a nice way. Don't make because I wanted. The reason

1197
00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:49,920
Speaker 1: I'm saying this because my sister, she got my sister's

1198
00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:53,600
Speaker 1: mom's boyfriend. And this happened when my sister was like

1199
00:56:53,719 --> 00:56:56,400
Speaker 1: nine twenty. She's grown at this time, but her boyfriend,

1200
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,000
Speaker 1: her mom's boyfriend, came into bed and tried to have

1201
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,360
Speaker 1: sex with her, and my sister was so afraid to

1202
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:04,000
Speaker 1: tell my dad, even though we're grown. She said, I

1203
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:06,120
Speaker 1: was afraid because my dad, he always talked to my

1204
00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:09,080
Speaker 1: sisters are on my left station, and she said, I'm

1205
00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:10,600
Speaker 1: so afraid to tell him because I don't want him

1206
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:12,680
Speaker 1: to go to jail. So she was afraid to tell,

1207
00:57:12,880 --> 00:57:14,839
Speaker 1: but she told me, and I told my dad when

1208
00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 1: this happened with my sister. So some kids, they are

1209
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:21,360
Speaker 1: afraid to tell their parents because like, if I tell mommy,

1210
00:57:21,440 --> 00:57:23,080
Speaker 1: she's gonna go to jail. She's gonna hurt this person.

1211
00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:25,840
Speaker 1: She's gonna go to jail where I told you, he's

1212
00:57:25,880 --> 00:57:28,280
Speaker 1: gonna because that would happen. With the situation of my grandpa.

1213
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:30,880
Speaker 1: My being my grandmother are super close and they weren't

1214
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:33,080
Speaker 1: really together anymore. They were just kind of still living together,

1215
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:35,160
Speaker 1: but they love and all that was gone. So I

1216
00:57:35,200 --> 00:57:37,320
Speaker 1: was afraid. I was like about tell my grandmother, it's

1217
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,280
Speaker 1: only either she's gonna kill him. That was my thought.

1218
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:41,040
Speaker 1: I said, she's gonna kill him if she find out

1219
00:57:41,040 --> 00:57:42,320
Speaker 1: he tried to do this to me because me and

1220
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:46,960
Speaker 1: her so close or either they won't believe me. So yeah,

1221
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:49,960
Speaker 1: those are the ways talk talk to the babies. Yeah,

1222
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:51,960
Speaker 1: you got me think that my best friend, he has

1223
00:57:51,960 --> 00:57:55,920
Speaker 1: a daughter. He was like, honestly, I just can't wait

1224
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:58,120
Speaker 1: for her to learn how to white herself properly because

1225
00:57:58,480 --> 00:58:02,160
Speaker 1: I just get uncomfortable like huh. Like he was like,

1226
00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:03,880
Speaker 1: I just tell her like dad and tissue donn And

1227
00:58:03,920 --> 00:58:05,640
Speaker 1: he said, I don't want to be around her, like

1228
00:58:06,160 --> 00:58:08,280
Speaker 1: he said, I don't. He's like, that's my daughter, but

1229
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:10,960
Speaker 1: I just and I said, no, I completely understand because

1230
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,560
Speaker 1: I get uncomfortable with aund kids too, Like I'm like,

1231
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:14,919
Speaker 1: you call them if you need help, but I don't

1232
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:19,120
Speaker 1: want to go in the bathroom. Uh exactly. And that's

1233
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:20,760
Speaker 1: and that's and that's why I said, that's one thing

1234
00:58:20,840 --> 00:58:23,000
Speaker 1: if a child, if a man is too comfortable with,

1235
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:26,640
Speaker 1: okay with doing all that, because one thing by my dad.

1236
00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:28,320
Speaker 1: I was like, I said, I wasn't raised with him,

1237
00:58:28,320 --> 00:58:30,760
Speaker 1: but my sisters were. They said growing up, he always

1238
00:58:30,760 --> 00:58:32,240
Speaker 1: like that's how he was with them, Like he didn't

1239
00:58:32,280 --> 00:58:34,280
Speaker 1: as soon as they can wipe theirselfs. He he telled him.

1240
00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:35,560
Speaker 1: He was like, don't let nobody in the bath room,

1241
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:37,920
Speaker 1: not even me. Like he's like that now my daughter,

1242
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:41,040
Speaker 1: he's like anything. But it's just like you a man

1243
00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:47,720
Speaker 1: like exactly exactly. So any man that is too comfortable

1244
00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:50,360
Speaker 1: with doing all that, they they yeah, you gotta you

1245
00:58:50,400 --> 00:58:53,280
Speaker 1: gotta watch that, because real men that are not like that,

1246
00:58:53,360 --> 00:58:56,200
Speaker 1: they don't. My dad, my my cousin's father, like my

1247
00:58:56,240 --> 00:58:58,760
Speaker 1: aunt said, like my even with his daughter, he would

1248
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:00,960
Speaker 1: drive that black My cousin had a poopy diaper which

1249
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:03,240
Speaker 1: the baby and my was at work. He's saying he

1250
00:59:03,280 --> 00:59:05,200
Speaker 1: would drive down the streets to his sister's house and

1251
00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:08,760
Speaker 1: half his sister change the baby and go to that extreme.

1252
00:59:08,760 --> 00:59:10,920
Speaker 1: Of course, but that's just saying he didn't feel comfortable.

1253
00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:13,160
Speaker 1: Most men, if they don't like kids, they're gonna kind

1254
00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:15,280
Speaker 1: of not want to do all that all right, Like

1255
00:59:15,360 --> 00:59:17,280
Speaker 1: she will be in a shop being the sub and

1256
00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:18,880
Speaker 1: he'll be watching the game. He's like, I let her

1257
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:21,920
Speaker 1: do her theme, like I give her her privacy, and

1258
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:25,840
Speaker 1: I was like, I respect it exactly exactly how it

1259
00:59:25,880 --> 00:59:29,280
Speaker 1: should be. Well, last, not least, what would you say

1260
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:33,880
Speaker 1: to your younger self, speak up, don't be afraid of

1261
00:59:34,680 --> 00:59:38,520
Speaker 1: consequences or anything. Speak. I would definitely speak up. Tell

1262
00:59:38,560 --> 00:59:43,560
Speaker 1: it all. M that's it. Tell tell it all, Tell everything,

1263
00:59:43,600 --> 00:59:48,080
Speaker 1: don't keep your mouth clothes about nothing. Right. Well, I

1264
00:59:48,080 --> 00:59:53,320
Speaker 1: thought this was a very informative, amazing conversation. I really

1265
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:55,560
Speaker 1: want to say thank you so much for sharing your story,

1266
00:59:55,840 --> 00:59:57,840
Speaker 1: because I really feel like we gotta push these stories

1267
00:59:57,840 --> 01:00:02,120
Speaker 1: out more so we because back for like a lot

1268
01:00:02,120 --> 01:00:05,240
Speaker 1: of people are still not talking about it. Definitely not

1269
01:00:05,320 --> 01:00:07,320
Speaker 1: and that's why I'm willing to always talk about this.

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01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:12,600
Speaker 1: Get it out there, honey. Yes, if you have any questions,

1271
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:15,160
Speaker 1: comments and concerns, please make sure to email me at

1272
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:20,040
Speaker 1: Hello at the PhD podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone,

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01:00:21,120 --> 01:00:23,600
Speaker 1: and until next time, everyone, And I hope I didn't

1274
01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:29,800
Speaker 1: sound too stuffy. I don't think you did. I understand stuffy, right, Yeah, no,

1275
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:32,000
Speaker 1: I don't think you did. Like I'm trying to hold

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01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:37,840
Speaker 1: my coff and my sniffles in until next time, everyone later,

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Speaker 1: all right, Bye,