WEBVTT - Words are Spells Feat. Shelah Marie 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.520 Once upon a time there was a good old traditional housewife, 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:06.360 and she couldn't. She cleaned and cared for her children 0:00:06.400 --> 0:00:08.320 and the man of the house, and of course she 0:00:08.480 --> 0:00:11.639 didn't talk back. She was both obeed, hint and soft 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:14.520 by nature. She was a good woman who always made 0:00:14.760 --> 0:00:15.600 good choices. 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:18.720 We're Good Mom's Bad Choices. 0:00:18.840 --> 0:00:21.520 Two single mom who said fuck the patriarchy, shared all 0:00:21.520 --> 0:00:22.480 their bad choices and. 0:00:22.440 --> 0:00:24.000 Found out they were so bad after all. 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:26.600 We're experts, overshares and your new besties. 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:28.240 Sit back and enjoy the ride. 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:35.240 I can do it. Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. 0:00:35.280 --> 0:00:39.599 I'm Erica and I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday, Happy Wednesday. 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:40.920 Hose how you feeling. 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:44.600 I feel tired, but I'm happy. 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:49.280 I am also tired and happy. We have been moving 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:52.919 and grooving very very much. We are in Atlanta. If 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:55.880 you're on YouTube, you can see us. We are on 0:00:55.960 --> 0:00:58.560 a world tour and right now we're at iHeart Media 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:01.959 had quarters in Atlanta. It's a little bit different than 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:05.080 our home office. Shout out to Black Effects. 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:05.560 Shout out to. 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:09.200 Black Effect for taking care of their girls. We just 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:12.240 got back from Jamaica and now we're in Atlanta. And 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:14.440 then we're gonna be in Charlotte and then we're gonna 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:15.200 sit the fuck down. 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:16.880 Amen. 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.320 But today we're joined by a very very special guest 0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:23.480 that we had to link up with because we've been 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:26.840 manifesting this interview for a very long time, and finally 0:01:26.920 --> 0:01:28.040 we're on the same. 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:31.040 Side of the world. And so even though. 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:34.240 We may or may not have gotten shit faced drunk 0:01:34.319 --> 0:01:37.759 last night, and I may or may not have maybe 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:39.320 put a little bit of money. 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:42.679 For your speak for yourself a little to have. 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:46.080 A Mollie, we're here and everything is fine. 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:47.120 I did Molly. 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:48.160 I didn't either. 0:01:48.200 --> 0:01:49.520 I had no drinks. 0:01:49.600 --> 0:01:51.360 I said you had drinks and. 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:54.440 I was an angel christ. 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:57.200 I even I haven't been last night. We were laughing 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:00.240 so hard that a woman knocked on the hotel to or. 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:01.320 Like shut the fuck up. 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.480 I was like, am I thirteen and I haven't been 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:06.640 in trouble and like a long time in a hotel 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:10.399 and I was like that miserable bitch she heard laughter four, 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:12.560 I am, what a fucking miserable bitch. 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:20.280 Sorry, lady, that wasn't nice anyway. Sorry. 0:02:20.639 --> 0:02:22.960 We are here and we're joined by a very special guest, 0:02:23.480 --> 0:02:35.880 author wellness entrepreneur, Thank you founder, bad bitch, Sheila Marie Hi, Hi, 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:38.760 welcome to the show, My love Well, thank you for 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:41.000 having me, of course, and I forgot to add retreat 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:44.480 leader of course, a fellow retreat retreat leader. 0:02:45.360 --> 0:02:47.679 Yes, I'm so happy to have you. I know, yes, 0:02:47.720 --> 0:02:51.360 it's been a long time coming. And I love your videos. 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:54.240 I'm always watching your content. I had a friend last night. 0:02:54.280 --> 0:02:55.760 I was telling her she was coming on the show. 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:58.040 She's like, oh my god, I fucking love her. I 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:00.760 love how she her brain works. She just sees stuff 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:02.040 and then she ties everything together. 0:03:02.160 --> 0:03:03.919 And then she posted immediately. 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:06.679 And I was like, wow, she posted a meeting because 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:07.320 she's following her. 0:03:07.639 --> 0:03:08.880 And then I went and looked and I said, yeah, 0:03:08.880 --> 0:03:10.040 it's true. She's very smart. 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:14.480 She does postings quickly, I said, I said, up my 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:17.280 videos for years, and I'm like god, the moment she. 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:19.600 Had commented on white Lotus, I was like, damn, I 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:20.880 had a lot of opinions on white Lotus. 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:22.040 Why don't I do a video like that? 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:26.560 So much though it's just so much all the time 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:28.320 to make content, but yeah, white Lotus. 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:28.919 She tried it. 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:33.440 Yeah, those little bitches, which bitches were the little Friend Group, 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:36.120 Those those three, those three older ladies. 0:03:36.520 --> 0:03:40.480 I really liked the like it was slow moving this season. 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:44.040 But there was like like dynamics that were really like 0:03:44.160 --> 0:03:46.480 developed of her a slow period payoff. 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:48.080 Yeah, absolutely that. 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:51.320 I was really I enjoyed each of the dynamics, Like 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:53.760 the three women that are aging, they still are like 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:55.560 obviously in high school. 0:03:56.560 --> 0:03:59.040 You like we never really grow up them, Like they 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.800 hate you, sister, they don't like you, the short haired one, right, Yeah, they. 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:05.400 Did all hate each other. 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:06.320 They kind of all hated them. 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:10.560 Petition Yeah, yeah, weird, And I was definitely giving high school. 0:04:10.640 --> 0:04:12.480 Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to age and be 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:13.080 a bitch. 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:15.720 I just felt like it was so that dynamic specifically 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:18.240 really intrigued me because I felt like it was the 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:22.160 truest anything storyline that was happening, because I really see 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:25.240 that dynamic with women now because women, I don't I 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:26.840 don't even think it's not even a white woman thing. 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:29.920 I think it's just a woman thing. And watching those 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:32.479 women as they're like they're older women too, and seeing 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:34.920 how they've like continued to just push. 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.640 Things under and under and under and under. It was 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:38.240 It was cool. 0:04:38.480 --> 0:04:41.560 It was very nice, nasty all of the all of 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:43.760 the stuff that they wanted to say. They just cloaked 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:45.800 in and like, oh, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:48.640 Oh no, Because like if we're on a trip and 0:04:48.720 --> 0:04:52.760 you're egging me on to have sex with this massage guy, 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:53.200 I don't know. 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:55.280 What, and then you secretly fuck him and. 0:04:55.200 --> 0:04:57.600 Then you end up doing it, that is fucked up. 0:04:57.680 --> 0:04:59.320 That's it's just weird. She was right. 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:01.080 I was with her, that actress, the one who was 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:03.520 the famous actress. Yeah, I could not stand her, could not, 0:05:03.720 --> 0:05:04.000 but you. 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:06.039 Know what she embodied. I just wonder to be happy 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.040 she embodied that role really well. 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:11.920 She really gave I'm a rich white woman actress that's 0:05:11.960 --> 0:05:13.159 kind of insecure really well. 0:05:13.800 --> 0:05:16.200 Do you know Mike White, the writer and the director 0:05:16.240 --> 0:05:19.320 of White Lotus, he got their idea for that triad 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.400 from being at lunch or something and overhearing three women 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:25.600 and he was like, I that's because everybody's like, how 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:27.400 did you write them? So well, Like, I don't know 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:29.440 about you, but I'm like, that is a very honest 0:05:29.480 --> 0:05:31.880 friend dynamic. He was like, yep, there was these three 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:33.520 ladies at lunch and he just started writing. 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.640 And you know, I think it's also intriguing because I 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:40.280 don't know how you are. But like, and I'm very young, 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:44.760 I'm twenty seven, but we're at an age where, you know, 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:47.560 we're picking at forty and like, you know, the aging 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:50.800 is coming up, and like I'm seeing it on myself 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:52.400 and like even because we do this work and I 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:54.800 can literally see me seven years ago on video. Now, 0:05:55.279 --> 0:05:58.560 it's like we're approaching this place where like we're aging, 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:01.960 we're moving into for it like part. 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:02.320 Of our life. 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:04.760 And I think like society, I think it's really becoming 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:08.600 clear that society does not embrace like the the natural 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:11.320 aging of women, you know, not at all at all. 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:14.159 And even at the club, like these these are people 0:06:14.160 --> 0:06:15.520 are young? How old am I? 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:15.920 You know? 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:18.440 So it's like it's like still clinging for that fun, 0:06:18.600 --> 0:06:21.040 for that play, for that like whole life. But like 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:24.040 secretly you know, so it was it was. 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:26.000 And then still not having the tools, so still acting 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:28.440 like a child and still acting like a teenager and 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:32.640 still like operating in that it's in that space because 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:37.960 you haven't with an older physique. It's crazy, right, right, Yeah. 0:06:37.560 --> 0:06:39.520 Some people don't grow up, they just age. 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:42.799 Yeah, most people don't grow up, they just you're just older. 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:45.159 Yeah, I really I did enjoy that. You know, during 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:46.800 the show. I am one of those people who like, 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:48.400 when I'm watching the show and I like it, I'm like, 0:06:48.839 --> 0:06:53.520 who wrote white Lotus? I'm like, oh, Mike White, Okay, interesting? 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:57.599 You know he knows how to write wealthy white people. Yes, 0:06:57.680 --> 0:06:58.799 Like that's his lane. 0:06:58.800 --> 0:06:59.520 Those are his people. 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:01.559 People are like, who I want to diversify white Lotus. 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:04.640 I'm like, no, no, where it is. Leave it where. 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:06.920 That's why we like it. Just leave it just like 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:07.719 that from. 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:09.840 Two people who grew up in a lot of white spaces, 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:10.840 a lot of rich white people. 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:12.560 I'm like, Mike hit this ship. 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:14.160 On the fucking real. He really did. 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:16.600 I don't know about the brothers jacking each other off, I. 0:07:16.520 --> 0:07:18.400 Don't know that was that was crazy. 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:20.800 I'm not sure if that was earned. Like by the 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:22.320 end of it, I was kind of like, did we 0:07:22.400 --> 0:07:22.720 need that? 0:07:23.240 --> 0:07:25.400 I think the acting was top tier. 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:28.240 That's story line, and specifically I had higher hopes for 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:31.680 because I really needed the sun to die, Like why 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:32.320 did you come back? 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:32.840 Oh? 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:36.960 You wanted somebody locky locky? 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:40.640 Yeah, like when he when he thought when he drank 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:41.360 that smoothie. 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:41.440 Yeah. 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:44.040 Sorry for those who haven't watched this. Oh yeah, my bad, 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:45.240 But yeah, he needed to die. 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:46.800 I was like, what if I could come back? 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:49.440 I kind of secretly wanted the whole family to just 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:50.440 drink those smoothies. 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:53.160 Why didn't they all drink the smoothie? 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:55.360 I know that sounds morbid, but the way that they 0:07:55.400 --> 0:07:59.000 were leading up giving all those flash right over, I 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:00.040 was like, they all need. 0:07:59.880 --> 0:08:00.560 To you know what. 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:02.760 Maybe they didn't go because it was actually going to 0:08:02.800 --> 0:08:05.160 be worse for them to live. Yes, I think it 0:08:05.360 --> 0:08:10.840 was actually going to be worse, especially for that wife. 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.720 Great, but you don't want to live here in China? 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:17.160 Yeah, you don't want to live here in China. 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:19.040 I would rather die. 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:25.000 Proposy she love. She did so good in that role. Yeah, 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:27.440 I think her fate being alive and not rich is 0:08:27.480 --> 0:08:28.160 worse than death. 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:30.440 I thought it was interesting how he finally broke the 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.240 news to He was just like, things are gonna change, 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:35.079 that poor man. 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:38.199 Every time he got on camera, I was my butt 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:39.600 checks were clenched for him. 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:42.480 He stressed, well, had. 0:08:42.600 --> 0:08:44.960 I'm like easy going to jail or mine? 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:47.520 I was like, man, like, want you. 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:51.640 To stay where you're at? You everybody might as well stay. 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:53.559 And then Arnold Schwarzenegger's son killed it too. 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:56.400 Can you believe that was Arnold's son? 0:08:56.520 --> 0:08:56.720 Wait? 0:08:56.840 --> 0:08:57.080 Old? 0:08:57.880 --> 0:08:58.640 Do she son? 0:08:59.880 --> 0:08:59.960 You? 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:02.640 Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger's son and he looks just like 0:09:02.679 --> 0:09:04.439 Maria Strivers. I didn't know that. 0:09:04.720 --> 0:09:07.880 Yeah, you know why because privileged he look you knows 0:09:07.880 --> 0:09:08.920 exactly how that works. 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.400 I knew twelve of him in high school. I knew 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:12.920 I know a nigga just like that. 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:15.560 There's a video of him finding out that he got 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:17.920 cast in white lotus and he's literally at like it 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:21.960 looks like a white lotus. He's yeah, I'm like, he's 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:24.360 this is really he's ringing his life. He played a 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:25.840 little too good to the point where I was like, 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:27.880 you be into that weird shit? I know because that 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:29.920 whole the whole scene with his brother, and I was like, 0:09:31.000 --> 0:09:32.400 this is a little tigavincing here. 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.160 I'm like, is this what the whites are doing on vacation? 0:09:35.400 --> 0:09:36.160 Oh my my god. 0:09:36.440 --> 0:09:38.200 But when I when I was watching your clip about 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:42.240 specifically those those that friend dynamic, it struck me a 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:44.600 lot because this is something we talk about too, even 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:47.120 when we have retreats. It's like women coming and they 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:49.160 want to bring their friends because they like feel like 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:51.400 they need the safety. But then their friends come and 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:53.600 then they hold them to this standard, and then they're 0:09:53.600 --> 0:09:56.040 not allowed to kind of just like unravel and be 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:57.960 who they want to be because they're trying to like 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:01.120 put up this persona of whoever the fuck their friend 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:03.520 thinks they're supposed to be. And you said something in 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:07.080 the clip about I think it was like quality quantity 0:10:07.120 --> 0:10:09.320 doesn't equal quality, Like just because the amount of time 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:12.480 you've known someone doesn't mean that they are a quality 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:14.319 friend to you. And I think a lot of women 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:19.080 specifically like rule their relationships that way. They're like, but 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:22.240 I've known her forever, Like she's a stupid bitch, but. 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:23.200 But she knows me since kindergarten. 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:25.960 It's fine because I've known her forever, even though she's 0:10:26.080 --> 0:10:27.560 killing my soul. And every time I'm with her, I'm 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:30.280 exhausted and I leave and I feel horrible about myself. 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:33.400 Maybe that's a slow death, to have to constantly explain 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:35.959 yourself to someone over over and over and again who's 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:41.720 committed to misunderstanding you over and over again, invalidating your opinions. Like, honestly, 0:10:42.200 --> 0:10:44.480 I think that there's the way we build friendships is 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:45.679 like that pyramid. 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:47.080 Remember, like the food pyramid. 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.000 It's like the food pyramid, and it's like at the 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:51.480 bottom you have you have the most people, but at 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:53.160 the top you have the fewest people. But that's like 0:10:53.200 --> 0:10:55.800 the densest area. And usually we just put them in. 0:10:56.160 --> 0:10:58.960 All right, my family, because you're my family, right, you'll 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:00.679 be a good friend to me. And I can tell 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.120 you everything. And people that I went to high school 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:05.440 and middle school with, and just because they have a 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:07.679 long time that they've spent in your life doesn't mean 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:11.960 that they have shared beliefs, shared values, even shared experiences. 0:11:12.080 --> 0:11:14.280 I know me, I've went through. I'm still friends with 0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:16.360 girls that I knew since high school, and we have 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:18.640 very different lives. There's things that we can airsect down 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:21.000 and not and I just feel like it's really important. 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.160 It's hard for women to do this though. I don't 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:26.000 know about you, but there's a lot of stigma around 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:28.240 having friends for a long time, right, Like and some 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:30.240 people like, oh, I don't want to outgrow my friends, 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:32.800 and then you get new friends and they don't know you, 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:34.880 and your new friends beef with your old friends, and 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:38.839 then to me, I just feel that that scene with 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:41.920 those women indicated was like it was sad. I felt that. 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:44.320 When I went on Twitter after the scene, I saw 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:45.559 like a lot of women were like, Ooh, it was 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:47.160 so empowering. I love the scene. 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:49.360 I was not empowering at all. I was so depressed 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:52.800 watching that talking about at the end of the trip 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:55.280 where like they're leaving and she was just like, you know, 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:57.280 I'm just happy to be at the table. She's like 0:11:57.280 --> 0:11:58.840 happy to be at the table with these bitches. That 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:03.240 all about that sad because she just felt so slow 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:05.760 in her life that this was like the bare minimum 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:07.960 that she felt like she was cold could get. 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:11.319 I know, I think too, I think, like you said, 0:12:11.360 --> 0:12:14.120 the stigma of having friends for a long time. I 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:19.400 think people underestimate how much you can actually not shift 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:21.760 and change and grow when you hold on too friendships 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:23.800 that have you've had for so. 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.280 Long, and then you wonder why, like why I can't 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:26.959 grow stuck? 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:29.400 Why because they see you the same as you were 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:31.720 ten years ago or fifteen years ago, and they're not 0:12:31.760 --> 0:12:33.840 giving you the opportunity to grow because in their mind, 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:35.840 you're that person. Even if you're like I'm not this 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.800 person anymore, They're like, I'm comfortable with you as this 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:40.320 version of yourself. 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:43.160 That has happened so often to me. Absolutely, because I 0:12:43.160 --> 0:12:46.319 feel like probably you guys too, because you guys really 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:49.679 live in your personality and I feel like watching you all, 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:53.160 you're constantly developing new parts of yourself. You're exploring things, 0:12:53.160 --> 0:12:56.439 you're disagreeing with yourself back then you're reevaluating. And when 0:12:56.480 --> 0:12:58.880 you're doing that, you're gonna shift your values a lot, 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:01.480 and that might set people who are not doing that. 0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:02.960 That might make someone uncomfortable. 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:03.400 They don't know. 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:07.240 My therapist reminded me that like the person that you 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.720 were when you created that dynamic, unless too people agreed 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:14.239 to work on that dynamic, they expect that same performance 0:13:14.280 --> 0:13:16.520 out of you. Those elements are gonna come out of you. 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.600 So if I was like that shy, scared, reserved Shila 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:22.920 and we're still we're in our thirties, that Sila still 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:24.040 comes alive when I'm around you. 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:26.040 So when you act up, are you taking up space? 0:13:26.080 --> 0:13:28.280 They're like, Oh, look at Sheila. She's like takes she 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:29.559 wants so much attention. 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:30.160 Or whatever it is. 0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:32.160 I've had so many friends, I'm a pretty like I've 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:34.320 been had friends tell me like you and dating, like 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:36.000 don't be so honest. 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:38.040 Like chill out likely. 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:41.160 I was like, so lie and then six months in 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.600 and be a different bitch that's gonna be deceiving. 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:43.880 You know. 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:46.440 And like I'm like the advice, even even the advice 0:13:46.480 --> 0:13:48.720 people give you based on the version of them, a 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:51.040 version of you that they think that they know. I 0:13:51.080 --> 0:13:53.280 feel like even in this space and this friendship, because 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:55.920 we committed to growth, you know, like we're committed to 0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:59.520 honesty and growth asolutely. There were always we're always reassessing 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:02.439 rel like you know, reevaluating. But I think this friendship 0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:06.840 has been super like not like validating and fulfilling because 0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:10.120 it allows me to grow, you know what I mean, 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:12.000 Like we're not stuck. And I think a lot of 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:13.480 friends have a hard a lot of women have a 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:17.960 hard time finding and making and being consistent with friendships 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:20.560 in their adulthood. It's more comfortable to be friends with 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:22.880 the bitch you know since second grade because she's going 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:24.120 to show up, she's going to go to the mall. 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:24.520 She knows. 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.120 You don't have to explain yourself. 0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:28.480 Because a lot of people are not comfortable with meeting 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:31.000 the girl in the bathroom and actually, like exchanging numbers 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:33.400 and like, heyyl already doing today because that's awkward, but 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:35.840 like you have to make new friends when there's new 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:39.160 versions of yourself because that's how you grow. Ultimately, I 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:40.800 feel like I feel like if I would have stayed close, 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.720 like I think in this friendship, I mindfully took a 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:47.200 step back from other friendships because things were happening in 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:50.200 my life and also like that's how the god played out. 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:52.480 But also had that not happened, I don't know if 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:55.840 I would have arrived here because I was I was 0:14:55.840 --> 0:14:58.080 playing out the projection of how you think that I'm 0:14:58.120 --> 0:15:00.560 going to be and who I am, and I needed 0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:02.600 space to like figure it out and then have a 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:03.960 support system that said. 0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:05.360 Oh yeah, I like that too, that's cool, that sounds 0:15:05.400 --> 0:15:06.880 good exactly, I think too. 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:11.440 Like there's also once you decide to take the path 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:14.320 of I'm going to evolve and I'm going to start 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:17.920 attracting the people that are meeting me where I'm at, 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:20.640 the people that are no longer meeting you where you're at, 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:22.960 Like you have very at least for me, there's like 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:23.920 a lower tolerance. 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:25.440 Yeah, there's a lower tolerance. 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:26.000 There's a lower. 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:28.120 Patience and I've personally had to work on that too, 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:31.960 and like find like the patients with them, like if 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:33.560 I'm going to keep them in my life because there's 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:36.160 a few people I'm like still trying to like drag 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:40.800 them up with me, but when they specifically there's one person, 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:43.200 like when they're talking to me about the same shit 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:46.800 over and over again, and I'm like, Yo, you've been 0:15:46.840 --> 0:15:49.680 talking about this shit for ten years. 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:51.880 You know what you're doing. 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:55.200 And I'm like trying. I'm like trying to also lead 0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:55.680 by example. 0:15:55.720 --> 0:15:57.800 Not that I'm perfect, but I'm like, yo, look how 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:00.280 far I've come because I said I'm going to do 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:03.000 something different, Like I don't know, Look how Look at 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:05.000 the people in my life that have also agreed to 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:07.120 do that work too, and look where they are at. 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:10.920 Look where you're at, Like why are you holding onto this? 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:11.520 Like why? 0:16:11.560 --> 0:16:14.400 And so it's hard for me to then want to 0:16:14.440 --> 0:16:16.000 always like to be around them. 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:17.200 It's it's really hard for me. 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:19.120 And then I feel guilty because like it's not that 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:20.880 they're bad, that this is a person is a bad person. 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:24.400 I love them, but but it's just like my spirit, 0:16:24.480 --> 0:16:27.280 my energy like is like we can't engage. 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:31.440 Yeah, and it's hard to enet yeah, because. 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:35.320 They're you're gonna they're asking you subconsciously to lie for them. Yeah, 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:37.240 and it's like it's hard for you. 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:39.440 Right, And then every time I'm and then and then 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:41.720 I become the friend that's like, oh God, I can't 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:43.040 talk to Erica because she's. 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:45.120 Going to tell me her opinion. And I'm like, well, nigga, yeah, 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:48.600 because I've heard it a thousand and none are you? 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:49.360 Are you viage? 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:52.520 I've also sat and listened and that was very draining. 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:55.920 And also, attention people, I just want to bring you 0:16:56.880 --> 0:17:02.200 to your attention people. Okay, if you're someone who has 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:04.639 been going through a hard time or like seems to 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:07.119 always have something going on, you know, you know if 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:09.000 you are I think people generally know that they are 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:14.439 ask for permission before dumping on people, like just say like, 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:16.680 even if you're not that person, I know I even 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:17.760 have to do that because. 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:19.320 The people who are that person don't know that. 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:21.680 You have the do you have the emotional capacity? Do 0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:23.720 you have space for this conversation right now? 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:24.520 Can event right now? 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:26.639 Don't just hop on the call and be like girl, 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:30.399 like I'm like, hey, what are you doing? Just got 0:17:30.440 --> 0:17:31.359 out of a massage. 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:36.000 Oh for real, listen, I'm like, God damn, Like, ask 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.240 for permission because sometimes, like it's a lot, especially as 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:42.200 I've entered deeper into this work, and I feel like 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:45.400 my energy feels have opened up so much more. I'm 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:47.640 I used to not really look at myself as an EmPATH. 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:50.639 I was like I I like because I viewed mpaths 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:52.639 as just like they would cry on the drop of 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:55.360 a dime, or like they just wanted every like they 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:57.239 were just everyone is a gun name, and I'm not 0:17:57.280 --> 0:17:59.960 that type of person. I'm like, oh, yeah, see that's cool. 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:02.439 Like I'm a little selected with how I share my energy. 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:06.680 But as I've grown more into this space and healing myself, 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:09.440 like I realize that I can take on a lot 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:12.479 of people's energies and it's very exhausting for me, like 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:15.840 my social battery shit. Like, as I've gotten older, I 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:18.040 can't operate the same way that I used to do. 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:19.199 I just can't. Nope. 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:21.879 And so like when someone comes to you and calls 0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:25.680 you and starts dumping shit on you, like you please 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:28.440 ask for permission. Just ask, even if you're if you 0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:31.280 think you're not that person, I guarantee you someone in your. 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:33.879 Life is like, oh God, here she comes, especially in 0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:36.720 this day and age where like I feel like there's 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:38.200 already so much going on. 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:40.320 That's like we're overstressed. 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:45.080 Yeah, we're so overstretched, so overstimulated, so overinformed. Like I 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.399 never even thought to say overinformed. No, but like I 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:50.520 don't need to hear about every fucking tragedy worldwide on 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:53.560 the internet. Like I'm overstimulated, and I think it's and 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:56.840 we're paranoid because we're getting fed so much shit. So 0:18:56.920 --> 0:18:59.600 I'm just like, how how am I supposed to then 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:02.280 all take on your ship like it's it's it's a lot. 0:19:02.320 --> 0:19:03.280 It's a lot to be a mom, it's a lot 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:05.239 to be like to work, it's a lot. Like it's 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:06.879 a lot to be paying bills, it's a lot to 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:09.000 be a fucking adult. And I think as women were 0:19:09.000 --> 0:19:13.879 all like naturally in path and we're naturally going to 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:16.120 be nurturing and so when someone tells you something, you're 0:19:16.119 --> 0:19:18.200 going to be present in hearing it. And maybe that's 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:20.679 just our fucking water sign asses too, Like I know 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:23.000 I'm very sensitive, so like, yeah, there be times I 0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:25.280 will straight up not answer her phone call because I do. 0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:28.280 I already know what this happened. You're calling me at 0:19:28.320 --> 0:19:30.320 past nine pm. It's going now. 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:32.320 Yeah, I don't have the capacity. Sorry. 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:34.680 Even my mom used to be that type of person, 0:19:34.760 --> 0:19:36.920 like every time she would call, she's talking shit about 0:19:36.920 --> 0:19:38.800 my dad. And there came a point where I was like, girl, 0:19:39.200 --> 0:19:40.280 I can't hear it. 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:41.880 I grew, I lived with. 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:45.560 You, you picked him for me, and now you want me 0:19:46.119 --> 0:19:50.280 to let him like eighteen years, you know. 0:19:50.480 --> 0:19:52.600 And she's kind of like, I think become more aware 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:56.040 of it. And because I did, I took some steps back, really, 0:19:56.200 --> 0:19:58.359 and now we're in a better place because I just 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:00.640 think she's more She was like, sorry, I didn't mean to. 0:20:00.560 --> 0:20:02.359 Like go, you know, I just needed to talk to someone. 0:20:02.480 --> 0:20:04.080 I'm like, yeah, but. 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:07.400 I think people think it's mean to set boundaries that way, 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:09.720 or you're not there for your friend, but it's like, 0:20:10.040 --> 0:20:11.280 are you there for yourself? 0:20:11.400 --> 0:20:12.760 I think it's also me too, though. 0:20:12.800 --> 0:20:15.480 I have to be better too about setting the boundary 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:18.200 early on the conversation, Like when I hear someone start 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:19.880 about to unload. 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:23.119 Be like, hey, thank you, thank you for sharing. 0:20:23.359 --> 0:20:25.439 I right now, I just don't have the capacity to 0:20:25.480 --> 0:20:26.520 take on this conversation. 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:27.159 I love you. 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:29.439 I would really love to be present for you in 0:20:29.480 --> 0:20:30.800 this conversation, but I can't re now. 0:20:30.800 --> 0:20:32.960 I'm not good at that. I feel like a bitch. 0:20:33.000 --> 0:20:35.000 I'm working on it, I know, but I feel like, 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:39.960 but if they can't accept that, like, then there's already 0:20:40.040 --> 0:20:43.240 like a boundary and respect issue happening. And I think that, like, 0:20:43.400 --> 0:20:45.760 I don't know, I feel like, I think when you 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:47.800 do that for it, when you actually start, when I 0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:50.720 start finally doing this to my friend starting tomorrow. But 0:20:51.000 --> 0:20:57.280 also I think that like perhaps it actually helps them too. 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:01.040 It helps you realize, yeah, to become more cognizant of 0:21:01.119 --> 0:21:05.400 like how much they're also like speaking out these words 0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:08.560 and creating the madness in their life because words are spells, 0:21:08.560 --> 0:21:10.119 and we all know, like the more you talk about it, 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:14.000 the more you're talking, talking, talking, Yeah, you're feeding the flame. 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:16.240 I also know. Okay, it was the last on these people. 0:21:17.480 --> 0:21:22.280 Those type of people rarely say how are you, Yeah, girl. 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:23.479 What's going on with your life? 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:25.800 I think has we like when you can hold it together, 0:21:25.960 --> 0:21:28.960 you appear well, everything seems fine, and you're like mostly 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:30.360 positive and optimistic. 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:33.800 People think she is space and time to hear my shit. No, nigga, 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:36.879 I do not. I have some shit going on to today. 0:21:36.920 --> 0:21:40.040 Whether you have asked or fucking inquired my nigga, I'm 0:21:40.080 --> 0:21:41.840 feeling away. I'm not you know whatever, But like I 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:45.160 feel like those people rarely do that. And that's where 0:21:45.200 --> 0:21:47.239 I started to realize, Like, nigga, you don't even call 0:21:47.280 --> 0:21:49.399 and check on me, but you have time and space 0:21:49.440 --> 0:21:53.160 and energy to dump on me. I can definitely ignore 0:21:53.200 --> 0:21:56.280 this phone call. Like even whiny ask people like, bitch, 0:21:56.320 --> 0:21:59.920 shut up, stop fucking whining. 0:22:00.080 --> 0:22:01.639 I have a child. I do not need to hear 0:22:02.080 --> 0:22:02.880 your adult line. 0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:05.400 A Posts said, like you've ever been talking to somebody 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:07.560 about their problems and then realize me way they like 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:11.200 their problems. Yeah, like this problem isn't going anywhere. 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:12.760 She's you actually love this? 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:15.480 You love this? Yeah, And so then I'm like that's 0:22:15.520 --> 0:22:17.679 when I'm like, oh, this is my sign to exits. 0:22:17.840 --> 0:22:18.679 Yeah. 0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:20.760 Well, I might engage to a degree, but then at 0:22:20.760 --> 0:22:22.560 a certain point, it's like, like you said, it's just 0:22:22.560 --> 0:22:25.480 going on a merry go around engaging in enabling that 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:26.200 same behavior. 0:22:26.280 --> 0:22:26.879 We're not doing that. 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:31.159 What are some ways that you've made adult like friends 0:22:31.160 --> 0:22:32.000 in your adulthood? 0:22:32.320 --> 0:22:32.720 Yeah? 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:35.560 Friends, I feel that that was the hardest thing for 0:22:35.560 --> 0:22:37.679 me to write about in my book. Everything else, I 0:22:37.720 --> 0:22:40.400 feel like came really naturally. And then I said, why 0:22:40.400 --> 0:22:43.199 am I having so much trouble writing a chapter about 0:22:43.440 --> 0:22:47.520 female companionship as adults? And I'm like, okay, well, number one. 0:22:48.680 --> 0:22:51.680 From my perspective, we are taught to center men from 0:22:51.720 --> 0:22:54.159 a very young age, and we are taught how to 0:22:54.200 --> 0:22:58.480 socialize with men, how to impress them, how to appease them. 0:22:58.840 --> 0:23:02.440 We learned so much much information. We're trained on how 0:23:02.480 --> 0:23:04.920 to be a white from you from when you're young. 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:05.920 They'll little kitchen. 0:23:06.040 --> 0:23:08.160 Yeah, with that little kitchen, the little place set all 0:23:08.240 --> 0:23:11.119 that you're taking care of your babies. But I don't 0:23:11.160 --> 0:23:13.639 necessarily think we have as much framework around how to 0:23:13.640 --> 0:23:16.639 be a friend to other women, because that requires you 0:23:16.760 --> 0:23:19.840 centering women in a certain way that might a lot 0:23:19.840 --> 0:23:22.480 of women might not be familiar with. Right. And so 0:23:22.600 --> 0:23:24.840 for me, the way that I make friends as an 0:23:24.880 --> 0:23:29.600 adult is I align on specificity so very and I 0:23:29.720 --> 0:23:32.439 keep it small what I use, so I'm aries and 0:23:32.480 --> 0:23:34.320 I'm a very honest person, like we were talking about, 0:23:34.480 --> 0:23:36.360 and I felt like, for a long time, if you're 0:23:36.400 --> 0:23:38.560 a friend and you're close to me, that means I 0:23:38.600 --> 0:23:40.639 have to tell you everything. Like that's just that was 0:23:40.680 --> 0:23:42.320 just my way of connecting, like you got to know 0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:44.680 everything about me. And then I realized number one, girl, 0:23:44.720 --> 0:23:50.680 you're fuck I was that one overwhelming people. Fine, yeah, 0:23:50.840 --> 0:23:52.960 because you got you a busy bitch like you, Like 0:23:53.000 --> 0:23:54.720 I have just a lot of things going on. So 0:23:54.760 --> 0:23:56.600 it's like, okay, like you know, I'll be outside. I 0:23:56.640 --> 0:24:00.280 be like I saw a bird and I swim it 0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:02.960 was my grandmother and then let me tell you why, 0:24:03.080 --> 0:24:06.840 and yeah. 0:24:05.320 --> 0:24:07.439 Let me tell you why because it was blue and 0:24:07.440 --> 0:24:10.840 my grandmother had a blue brooch that she used to wear. 0:24:11.560 --> 0:24:17.200 So I'm cooking dinner, okay to me, I just took 0:24:17.240 --> 0:24:20.119 that approach where it's just this full on approach. If 0:24:20.119 --> 0:24:23.320 you're a friend, it's everything You're invited to every event. 0:24:23.440 --> 0:24:26.000 I share everything with you. Now, I take a very 0:24:26.000 --> 0:24:29.920 catered approach. So I have my my spiritual girls. Those 0:24:29.920 --> 0:24:31.879 are the girls I'm gonna tell about the bird right 0:24:32.000 --> 0:24:34.399 because she's gonna go me too. Oh my god. 0:24:34.400 --> 0:24:38.280 I let me look at animal spottings, the metal physical. 0:24:40.240 --> 0:24:43.000 We're gonna love that. And then like, because I'm a 0:24:43.080 --> 0:24:45.200 I'm a film head, I'm a Centinophile. I love film 0:24:45.240 --> 0:24:48.000 and TV. I have girls that I just go. All 0:24:48.040 --> 0:24:50.399 we do is go see scared movies together like that. 0:24:50.480 --> 0:24:53.000 I love horror, that's my thing, and right, I just 0:24:53.040 --> 0:24:56.160 love the genre. No no, no, and so like I'll 0:24:56.200 --> 0:24:58.560 go there do that with her other friends who are 0:24:58.600 --> 0:25:00.760 just like our artistic friends. She like to make stuff 0:25:00.760 --> 0:25:02.760 with her hands. Oh girl, let's do pottery. And that's 0:25:02.800 --> 0:25:04.600 all it has to be. It has to be a 0:25:04.600 --> 0:25:07.199 simple touch point. We go do something, we have a 0:25:07.240 --> 0:25:10.120 shared experience where it creates new memories. Because a lot 0:25:10.160 --> 0:25:12.400 of times when you're older, when you get in your 0:25:12.440 --> 0:25:14.240 I'm forty, so I feel like when you get in 0:25:14.280 --> 0:25:16.240 your late thirties and forties, you kind of can get 0:25:16.240 --> 0:25:18.560 in the trap of not making new memories that you're 0:25:18.600 --> 0:25:20.720 just catching up. Like every time you see each other, 0:25:20.720 --> 0:25:23.560 you're just rehashing remember this, remember. 0:25:23.200 --> 0:25:26.120 That there's no new content. 0:25:26.400 --> 0:25:29.040 So I'm very mindful to create new memories. And they 0:25:29.040 --> 0:25:31.399 don't have to be big memories. Me my social battery 0:25:31.440 --> 0:25:34.280 can run out very fast. So I know me all right, 0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:37.240 this person's that's my artistic girl. We're gonna do pottery. 0:25:37.680 --> 0:25:39.679 We're gonna maybe have a little bite to eat after that, 0:25:39.720 --> 0:25:41.239 and that's gonna be. That doesn't have to be this 0:25:41.320 --> 0:25:42.360 all encompassing thing. 0:25:42.720 --> 0:25:43.679 You don't have to go on vacation. 0:25:44.520 --> 0:25:46.320 You can see I got my girls, but I can't 0:25:46.320 --> 0:25:46.800 go on vacation. 0:25:47.320 --> 0:25:48.440 I just make any friends. Like, you want to go, 0:25:48.560 --> 0:25:49.399 you want to go here, you want to go. 0:25:49.520 --> 0:25:51.960 She had to learn her vacation lessons. 0:25:52.000 --> 0:25:53.760 This very really Yeah. 0:25:53.920 --> 0:25:56.159 You remind me of one of my best friends so much. Tasha. 0:25:56.200 --> 0:25:59.920 She's in La too, Issha. She makes friends with everybody. 0:26:00.119 --> 0:26:02.720 She's such she's like the perfect villager. Like when I 0:26:02.760 --> 0:26:05.240 think about being in community, that's Tasha. She'll peek you 0:26:05.320 --> 0:26:08.280 up from the airport. I'll bring it over, no problem. 0:26:08.359 --> 0:26:10.760 I was out this fabric store. Didn't you need this fabric? Like? 0:26:10.920 --> 0:26:13.520 She's so thoughtful and just open minded like that. I'm 0:26:13.560 --> 0:26:15.440 a little bit more I am. 0:26:15.520 --> 0:26:18.080 I'm open. I'm very open. I hugged a girl in 0:26:18.080 --> 0:26:19.800 the club last night and she cried, I. 0:26:20.040 --> 0:26:21.880 Know, wait, Orlando comes to me. I'm like, where's you, Mela. 0:26:21.880 --> 0:26:25.040 She's like, oh, she's therapizing someone in the corner. I 0:26:25.080 --> 0:26:26.080 was like, what are you talking about. I don't know 0:26:26.080 --> 0:26:28.280 if she's really tall, Jamla's really small. She's like, has 0:26:28.280 --> 0:26:30.320 her hands, she's like groping. She's like she's like Jamila 0:26:30.400 --> 0:26:33.120 is holding her head like this, and I don't even 0:26:33.160 --> 0:26:37.080 know what I've ever heard tantraing her. I'm okay, well 0:26:37.119 --> 0:26:38.800 i'll see her in about twenty minutes. 0:26:38.880 --> 0:26:40.520 I did, and she was like, thank you. I really 0:26:40.600 --> 0:26:42.760 needed to hear this. I was like, whatever you're going through, girl, 0:26:42.800 --> 0:26:43.840 let it go special. 0:26:43.960 --> 0:26:45.199 I was like, you'd already know. I was kind even 0:26:45.200 --> 0:26:46.600 know what you're going through. It's overheard you. I was like, 0:26:46.680 --> 0:26:48.720 let him go. Let it go if you don't feel 0:26:48.720 --> 0:26:50.960 good about it, if it doesn't feel irrespectful, if it 0:26:51.000 --> 0:26:53.320 doesn't feel like literally, I'm telling you this as a 0:26:53.320 --> 0:26:54.880 sign as soon as you move out of the situation, 0:26:54.920 --> 0:26:55.640 you're going to do better. 0:26:56.000 --> 0:26:56.679 And we're friends on. 0:26:56.720 --> 0:27:00.480 Instagram now, Indigo shout out to Indigo, but you you 0:27:00.520 --> 0:27:02.000 know what I feel like too, And tell me if 0:27:02.000 --> 0:27:04.240 this resonates with you, because I know that I've liked 0:27:04.320 --> 0:27:05.800 you know, had to love research. You were talking about 0:27:05.840 --> 0:27:09.040 the mother wound and I think I'm realizing this right now, 0:27:09.160 --> 0:27:12.199 like in this year that because I don't have a 0:27:12.200 --> 0:27:15.159 problem making like female friends, but I think that I 0:27:15.240 --> 0:27:18.960 realize like in my closest friendships, there are certain things 0:27:19.000 --> 0:27:22.480 that are triggers for me, and I recognize now that, 0:27:22.920 --> 0:27:25.600 like even my I think my attraction to women is 0:27:25.600 --> 0:27:27.800 that like me and growing up with my mom, we 0:27:27.800 --> 0:27:30.159 weren't super super close like I saw my friends be, 0:27:30.720 --> 0:27:33.119 and so I gravitated to women. And I've had like 0:27:33.200 --> 0:27:36.840 codependent relationships with some of my best friends, like literally 0:27:36.920 --> 0:27:39.439 just at each other's house for five days straight and 0:27:39.440 --> 0:27:44.160 shit us. Yeah, and also recognizing when there's certain triggers 0:27:44.160 --> 0:27:46.960 that come up, like my mom was relentless for my 0:27:47.040 --> 0:27:50.240 dad for one hundred million years until literally last week. 0:27:50.760 --> 0:27:53.879 So when I see in like my female friendships, I 0:27:53.920 --> 0:27:57.600 feel when I see women like make men the center 0:27:57.640 --> 0:28:02.200 of their lives or they they cheat themselves by being 0:28:02.200 --> 0:28:05.080 in relationships, I'm super triggered by that, you know, or 0:28:05.119 --> 0:28:07.080 like just make their whole world about their man, Like 0:28:07.560 --> 0:28:09.320 I get triggered by that. I did that, and it 0:28:09.359 --> 0:28:12.640 made me realize, Oh, bitch, you're triggered because you thought 0:28:12.760 --> 0:28:15.080 this bitch was your mom and you have this motherlike friend. 0:28:15.200 --> 0:28:18.119 Like there's this dynamic that I realized, Like I'm triggered 0:28:18.160 --> 0:28:20.320 by that because I feel like a women have been 0:28:20.320 --> 0:28:24.120 conditioned to center their men and their romantic relationships and go. 0:28:24.240 --> 0:28:25.520 Everything else goes to the wind. 0:28:25.880 --> 0:28:27.720 And also that like it's a dynamic that I grew 0:28:27.760 --> 0:28:29.560 up in my family where I felt like my mom 0:28:29.760 --> 0:28:33.400 would fucking go everything else fell to the wayside, but 0:28:33.440 --> 0:28:35.239 when my dad was doing some shit, that was her 0:28:35.280 --> 0:28:38.120 main thing. And so I just realized, like in my 0:28:38.200 --> 0:28:41.760 adulthood where my triggers and my female friendships come up, 0:28:41.960 --> 0:28:44.680 and like why I clung to some like female friendships 0:28:44.760 --> 0:28:45.240 very hard. 0:28:45.600 --> 0:28:46.680 And I'm like, do you see that? 0:28:46.760 --> 0:28:48.640 And like with your going through the work that you 0:28:48.680 --> 0:28:50.720 do and writing this book, and like I didn't know 0:28:50.720 --> 0:28:52.600 what the mother wound was you were speaking of, but 0:28:52.920 --> 0:28:53.479 do you see that? 0:28:53.520 --> 0:28:56.000 And you're like a reflection of your friendships too. Yes. 0:28:56.240 --> 0:28:59.800 Absolutely, By the way, I really loved you having slum 0:29:00.080 --> 0:29:04.240 Our slum Flower to talk about this. I love her. 0:29:04.320 --> 0:29:04.800 I love her. 0:29:05.400 --> 0:29:07.640 I think she's like one of the most brilliant but 0:29:07.720 --> 0:29:09.920 I call her a philosophers. Yes she is to me, 0:29:10.240 --> 0:29:12.080 and I'm like one of the most brilliant minds that 0:29:12.160 --> 0:29:15.479 speaks on this type of topic. And I love hearing her, 0:29:15.600 --> 0:29:17.920 even if I don't live like another one. I just 0:29:18.160 --> 0:29:20.720 love hearing her thoughts. Every time I hear her speak, 0:29:20.720 --> 0:29:21.440 I learned something new. 0:29:21.760 --> 0:29:23.120 I love you. 0:29:28.080 --> 0:29:32.720 Yeah, the men hated that. How could you abandon your mother? 0:29:33.560 --> 0:29:37.640 You have even if she abused you, Like, yeah, it 0:29:37.720 --> 0:29:39.600 was crazy A lot of Yeah. 0:29:39.640 --> 0:29:42.080 No, I think that a lot of us have mother womb. 0:29:42.240 --> 0:29:44.640 Everybody's gonna have some type of womb. There's going to 0:29:44.720 --> 0:29:47.120 be something there with your mom. And if you're not 0:29:47.320 --> 0:29:49.480 mindful about that, or if you haven't explored that, not 0:29:49.560 --> 0:29:52.880 everybody has access to therapy. Therapy can be expensive, it 0:29:52.880 --> 0:29:56.520 can be prohibitive, But if you haven't looked into any 0:29:56.560 --> 0:29:59.000 of that, you can find yourself trying to What we 0:29:59.080 --> 0:30:02.120 do is we try to play this scenario again and 0:30:02.200 --> 0:30:04.600 again and then in order to do it right this time. 0:30:04.880 --> 0:30:06.800 So if you feel like your mom didn't give you 0:30:06.960 --> 0:30:10.080 enough praise, maybe just as an example, you might be 0:30:10.120 --> 0:30:12.120 looking for your friends feeling like I just feel like 0:30:12.200 --> 0:30:15.280 she doesn't acknowledge me. I again looking for praising her 0:30:15.280 --> 0:30:17.400 and praising her to do it right this time. So 0:30:17.520 --> 0:30:20.480 I think everybody's a mirror. So whatever we're going through 0:30:20.520 --> 0:30:22.960 with our friends is a reflection of something that we 0:30:23.000 --> 0:30:25.120 could take a look at. But when it comes to 0:30:25.160 --> 0:30:28.120 the mother wound. Specifically, I one hundred percent relate to that. 0:30:28.440 --> 0:30:31.480 I feel like, from my perspective, my mother had I 0:30:31.560 --> 0:30:34.080 love my mom, I love you Mom. She has a 0:30:34.120 --> 0:30:37.080 little bit of a harsh outer like it was her 0:30:37.080 --> 0:30:39.640 InterVoice that became outer voice that became my intervals. And 0:30:40.400 --> 0:30:42.560 so I feel that that has become a thing with 0:30:42.640 --> 0:30:44.880 me where I start to I start to become the mom, 0:30:45.000 --> 0:30:46.760 like I'm the caretaker friend. I always used to be 0:30:46.760 --> 0:30:49.320 the friend make sure everybody's good. And then I would 0:30:49.360 --> 0:30:51.360 come and feel again that if I need to share 0:30:51.360 --> 0:30:54.320 my opinion because that's my caretaking. That's how my mom 0:30:54.360 --> 0:30:56.680 is show caretaking, Like I don't like that you didn't 0:30:56.680 --> 0:30:58.160 do you know, like you did all this stuff good, 0:30:58.160 --> 0:31:00.360 but this right here needs to be changed. And like 0:31:00.440 --> 0:31:02.400 that was how I was showing up with my friends 0:31:02.400 --> 0:31:04.280 because I felt like it was caretaking. I would want 0:31:04.320 --> 0:31:06.680 someone to tell me right, But then it's like, bitch, 0:31:06.680 --> 0:31:08.480 you're the one with the negative you bring in the 0:31:08.560 --> 0:31:11.040 vibe down. I haven't asked all that, So I had 0:31:11.080 --> 0:31:13.360 to take that information and rework it because I definitely 0:31:13.400 --> 0:31:16.880 don't want to perpetuate that. But yeah, mother wounds absolutely 0:31:16.880 --> 0:31:19.160 play into it. By the way, I want to backtrack, 0:31:19.240 --> 0:31:21.200 and you were talking about how you were at the 0:31:21.240 --> 0:31:23.360 club last night and you were like being super friendly. 0:31:23.640 --> 0:31:27.840 I just I just like had this memory I when 0:31:27.840 --> 0:31:29.960 I first started dating as like me and my friends 0:31:30.000 --> 0:31:32.120 would go to the strip club all the time. And 0:31:32.160 --> 0:31:34.160 he literally was like she like, you cannot come to 0:31:34.200 --> 0:31:36.560 the strip club with me no more because every time 0:31:39.120 --> 0:31:42.280 baby go back to school, they took all my money, 0:31:42.440 --> 0:31:44.680 like I gave them all the money. Like I would 0:31:44.680 --> 0:31:47.480 just feel so bad because I would be like, I 0:31:47.800 --> 0:31:49.360 just want you to know, you're gorgeous. 0:31:49.560 --> 0:31:51.840 You have to dance, You're gonna take Yeah, you can 0:31:51.960 --> 0:31:54.560 be about Rena and you know, like I'll be in 0:31:54.560 --> 0:31:56.600 there and they're like, let's go, let's go. 0:31:56.800 --> 0:31:59.120 They're they're getting off on your sister, and I was like, damn, 0:31:59.160 --> 0:32:00.240 but I. 0:32:00.320 --> 0:32:02.720 Just want to go next week. 0:32:02.880 --> 0:32:05.240 She give her one hundred singles. 0:32:05.400 --> 0:32:07.640 Literally, you can't you. 0:32:07.600 --> 0:32:10.160 Can't take me anywhere. But yeah, sorry, I don't know 0:32:10.200 --> 0:32:10.760 how we got there. 0:32:10.640 --> 0:32:12.960 From I understand. 0:32:15.360 --> 0:32:15.640 Yeah. 0:32:15.800 --> 0:32:19.160 I think the female friendship thing and an adulthood it 0:32:19.200 --> 0:32:22.360 really requires some like inner like some reflection and introspection 0:32:22.560 --> 0:32:24.080 that a lot of people are not willing to do 0:32:24.520 --> 0:32:27.360 about themselves about their family dynamics. But I find that, 0:32:27.440 --> 0:32:30.320 I mean, you know, we're some deep best bitches, spiritual bitches. 0:32:30.680 --> 0:32:31.800 I find like all. 0:32:31.840 --> 0:32:35.040 You guys make the best friends though, spiritual girls like, 0:32:35.160 --> 0:32:37.360 oh gotta make the best type of friends. Yeah, because 0:32:37.360 --> 0:32:40.240 you know yourself more. The more you know yourself, the 0:32:40.280 --> 0:32:42.840 better you can be a friend. Like like she said, 0:32:43.000 --> 0:32:45.720 knowing I know how Hi, I just want to say, 0:32:45.720 --> 0:32:47.640 in the beginning of this conversation, I'm not in a 0:32:47.680 --> 0:32:50.760 space like that's her knowing herself. And then when you 0:32:50.800 --> 0:32:52.720 when you don't speak up like that, then it becomes 0:32:52.720 --> 0:32:55.560 a manipulative right, or then it becomes something else because 0:32:55.560 --> 0:32:57.560 you're feeling a way you're not saying it, and then 0:32:57.680 --> 0:33:00.320 she's constantly dumping on you, and then you're feeling and 0:33:00.320 --> 0:33:01.800 then later it comes up and it can become a 0:33:01.800 --> 0:33:04.800 big thing. Whereas I feel like the girlies who are 0:33:04.800 --> 0:33:08.040 interested in self work can more likely catch themselves. They 0:33:08.040 --> 0:33:10.480 have a certain level of self awareness, And I can 0:33:10.520 --> 0:33:13.600 do anything with someone who's self aware. Yeah, we can 0:33:13.640 --> 0:33:16.680 do anything. We can rework a relationship, we can end it, 0:33:16.720 --> 0:33:19.680 amend it, we can restart it. If you're not self aware, 0:33:19.840 --> 0:33:21.240 if you're just gonna be looking at me like, well, 0:33:21.440 --> 0:33:22.520 I don't really think I did. 0:33:23.920 --> 0:33:27.040 Yeah, some people are refused to be too, refuse to 0:33:27.080 --> 0:33:27.720 be self aware. 0:33:27.760 --> 0:33:29.360 They're like living in a box. 0:33:30.240 --> 0:33:30.840 Oh my god. 0:33:31.040 --> 0:33:31.440 Yeah. 0:33:31.480 --> 0:33:34.080 I think a lot of people are, unfortunately. I mean, 0:33:34.360 --> 0:33:36.400 I will say I think the Internet has helped people. 0:33:36.720 --> 0:33:40.040 I mean it's like this double and sword of Instagram. 0:33:40.120 --> 0:33:42.360 But I do think that, like the Internet has put 0:33:42.440 --> 0:33:48.120 words to people's feelings, or people's shortcomings or just being 0:33:48.160 --> 0:33:50.440 like oh wait, there's like looking at a list and 0:33:50.480 --> 0:33:52.520 be like, oh shit, I kind of check off every 0:33:52.600 --> 0:33:57.320 box here. Maybe I am a blank. You know, in 0:33:57.360 --> 0:34:00.640 your book you talked about main character energy, and so 0:34:00.680 --> 0:34:04.480 I wanted to get into that because that's I mean obviously, 0:34:04.520 --> 0:34:11.040 like confidence is really the key to beginning to understand 0:34:11.480 --> 0:34:14.120 how to show up authentically as yourself, even like I 0:34:14.120 --> 0:34:15.759 think they work side by side, Like you're not just 0:34:15.800 --> 0:34:18.600 going to automatically be in full confidence, Like I think 0:34:18.640 --> 0:34:21.080 they kind of go and flow with one another. 0:34:22.840 --> 0:34:26.000 How did you find your main character energy through? 0:34:26.160 --> 0:34:29.040 Stop trying to be main characters in other people's stories. 0:34:29.760 --> 0:34:33.520 I think a lot of we are socialized as women 0:34:33.680 --> 0:34:37.239 to prop up again, A lot of it, A lot 0:34:37.280 --> 0:34:39.640 of my book will revisit over and over again the 0:34:39.680 --> 0:34:43.360 ways that larger structures affect our ability or inability to 0:34:43.360 --> 0:34:46.160 self actualize. So I could not talk about this without 0:34:46.200 --> 0:34:50.120 addressing things like patriarchy, things like misogyny, things like late 0:34:50.160 --> 0:34:53.600 stage capitalism. They do affect the way that we socialize 0:34:53.600 --> 0:34:55.799 and the way we learn what's important in value. And 0:34:55.840 --> 0:34:58.480 we live in a society that tells us men is 0:34:58.520 --> 0:35:01.720 more important than women. So wait, what was the fucking 0:35:01.760 --> 0:35:02.360 question again? 0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:04.120 How did you find your period? 0:35:04.200 --> 0:35:10.279 Thank you to myself? And so a lot of us 0:35:10.400 --> 0:35:13.280 are very comfortable being main characters in other people's stories. 0:35:13.360 --> 0:35:17.160 You will see a trend in women being overly concerned 0:35:17.200 --> 0:35:19.400 with other people's lives. Oh but they but they're not 0:35:19.400 --> 0:35:20.560 going to be able to eat, They're not going to 0:35:20.600 --> 0:35:22.279 be able to do this. They and it comes from 0:35:22.320 --> 0:35:24.280 a good place, like right, we want to be nurturing, 0:35:24.520 --> 0:35:27.040 we want to be caretaking. But you're doing all that 0:35:27.120 --> 0:35:30.040 to distract yourself from the fact that you don't even 0:35:30.040 --> 0:35:32.879 have a storyline that you don't even have. You don't 0:35:32.880 --> 0:35:34.880 even know where your exod is, you don't know your cue, 0:35:34.920 --> 0:35:37.359 you don't know the lighting. You're so focused on this 0:35:37.400 --> 0:35:40.640 other person's story that you plan, how you plan a 0:35:40.680 --> 0:35:44.000 side character you to yourself make that make sense. So 0:35:44.840 --> 0:35:47.440 what that looks like is getting to know yourself exactly. 0:35:47.440 --> 0:35:49.200 The type of things that you guys talk about every 0:35:49.239 --> 0:35:52.000 time on your podcast is getting to know the limits 0:35:52.000 --> 0:35:54.080 of who you are and what you are. A lot 0:35:54.160 --> 0:35:55.719 of us don't even know who we are. We know 0:35:55.840 --> 0:35:59.719 like a hologram, like a projection screen that has like 0:35:59.760 --> 0:36:02.000 every thing your parents told you, your church told you, 0:36:02.040 --> 0:36:04.600 and everybody else. But like what do you like? What 0:36:04.640 --> 0:36:06.920 do you like? Do you want to be friends? 0:36:07.239 --> 0:36:07.719 Do you not? 0:36:08.360 --> 0:36:10.239 What is a good frequency for you? Not what the 0:36:10.280 --> 0:36:13.399 Internet tells you. But it's really getting to know all 0:36:13.719 --> 0:36:16.200 the aspects of who you are and first accept them, 0:36:16.239 --> 0:36:18.600 because number one, if you're not a good friend to yourself, 0:36:18.640 --> 0:36:20.239 you're not going to be a good friend to anyone else. 0:36:20.320 --> 0:36:23.120 You're going to just create, you know, foundations in the sand. 0:36:23.719 --> 0:36:26.520 But when you get to know yourself and accept yourself, 0:36:26.560 --> 0:36:28.759 and I think that's the key because when we're talking 0:36:28.800 --> 0:36:32.160 about main character energy, we're talking about loving yourself, and 0:36:32.200 --> 0:36:34.200 people go self love, Well, I don't know what that 0:36:34.400 --> 0:36:37.320 is like, is it a bubble bath? Is it masturbating? 0:36:37.600 --> 0:36:39.400 Is it? You know what is it? I think it 0:36:39.480 --> 0:36:42.960 is self acceptance. If self love is the destination, the 0:36:43.040 --> 0:36:46.120 vehicle is self acceptance. You get there, but just being 0:36:46.200 --> 0:36:49.279 like without fixing, without losing the weight, without getting a 0:36:49.280 --> 0:36:51.600 new job, without getting more money, without doing any of that. 0:36:51.960 --> 0:36:54.279 I'm worthy and valuable right now, and look at all 0:36:54.280 --> 0:36:57.200 these wonderful things that I am expressing right now. Let 0:36:57.200 --> 0:36:59.880 me get to know myself so then I can attract 0:37:00.200 --> 0:37:03.440 and recognize my star players. But you know, as Cat 0:37:03.480 --> 0:37:05.200 William told us, you know you have to check in 0:37:05.200 --> 0:37:06.000 with yours first. 0:37:06.600 --> 0:37:07.120 I love that. 0:37:07.239 --> 0:37:11.760 I love that the analogy of the self, the vehicle 0:37:11.840 --> 0:37:15.640 being self acceptance, because I think a lot of times 0:37:15.680 --> 0:37:19.680 we are trying to love like this future version of ourselves, 0:37:20.200 --> 0:37:23.560 and so it takes it's taking us even farther away 0:37:23.680 --> 0:37:28.160 from us loving ourselves. Because bitch, you've been this person 0:37:28.200 --> 0:37:29.839 for a long time. You're not going to be her 0:37:29.920 --> 0:37:31.959 for a minute. So you might as well get into 0:37:31.960 --> 0:37:34.200 who you are at this very moment and figure out 0:37:34.200 --> 0:37:36.240 what are the things that you love about yourself. 0:37:36.280 --> 0:37:36.880 Make a list. 0:37:37.200 --> 0:37:39.880 There's got to be at least one thing that you 0:37:39.920 --> 0:37:42.560 love about yourself exactly, and start with just that one. 0:37:42.440 --> 0:37:44.799 Thing and do it from a place of how much 0:37:44.840 --> 0:37:47.440 you love yourself right now and not how much you 0:37:47.480 --> 0:37:50.960 want to change that thing. Yeah, that's so so important. 0:37:51.000 --> 0:37:53.640 And I'm talking to myself too, because there's always that 0:37:53.719 --> 0:37:54.200 like same. 0:37:54.280 --> 0:37:56.000 I mean, this is like that's why I say I 0:37:56.000 --> 0:37:58.440 think they go It's like they go hand in hand 0:37:58.640 --> 0:38:02.000 together because I'm I'm still always battling like my my 0:38:02.080 --> 0:38:04.520 self love and like I go through I have body 0:38:04.560 --> 0:38:06.640 dysmorphia for sure. Sometimes I'm like, oh my god, I'm 0:38:06.680 --> 0:38:08.440 so fat, and then I'm like, oh my god, I 0:38:08.440 --> 0:38:10.960 look good and then I'm like, wait, I hate this, 0:38:11.040 --> 0:38:12.880 I hate that, and so like it just it's just 0:38:13.800 --> 0:38:17.640 it's a constant evolution, especially because what you said the patriarchy, 0:38:18.000 --> 0:38:22.560 misogyny fucking Instagram, which I said, is it has helped 0:38:22.560 --> 0:38:25.880 people I think come to themselves but also hate themselves. 0:38:26.440 --> 0:38:29.880 So it's like this, it's like a constant evolution of 0:38:29.960 --> 0:38:34.200 trying to make sure that you're constantly checking in with 0:38:34.480 --> 0:38:36.480 who you are in this moment and saying, okay, I 0:38:36.520 --> 0:38:40.600 love you even still yes, And I think people are 0:38:40.640 --> 0:38:44.400 always seeking their future self, looking to love their future self, 0:38:44.480 --> 0:38:44.920 and it's. 0:38:44.800 --> 0:38:48.799 Like right now you're worthy. Yeah, right now you look great, 0:38:49.080 --> 0:38:51.680 Right now, you're good? Yeah, yeah, I feel like this. 0:38:51.640 --> 0:38:53.879 We need a little bit more of Can I ask 0:38:53.960 --> 0:38:57.319 you guys a question, Since you do a podcast where 0:38:57.360 --> 0:39:00.359 you share so much of yourself, like so much of 0:39:00.600 --> 0:39:04.120 your internal life, your experiences, do you feel like it's 0:39:04.239 --> 0:39:05.560 helped you love yourself more? 0:39:06.120 --> 0:39:06.759 Absolutely? 0:39:07.520 --> 0:39:10.319 I think talking out loud and being honest, like it's 0:39:10.320 --> 0:39:12.560 one thing to have it here, but when you say 0:39:12.560 --> 0:39:14.239 it out loud to your friend, or you say it 0:39:14.280 --> 0:39:16.680 out loud and you know, you know, potentially thousands of 0:39:16.680 --> 0:39:20.080 people are listening to it, there is an accountability that 0:39:20.239 --> 0:39:23.520 has to take place. If I'm privately maybe doing some 0:39:23.600 --> 0:39:28.000 functionhit privately, you know, but I'm not telling my friends 0:39:28.080 --> 0:39:31.840 or other people, then I'm not really maybe being held accountable. 0:39:32.239 --> 0:39:34.759 But I think there's been a like I said before 0:39:34.760 --> 0:39:38.200 we started, You're like, do you ever get do we 0:39:38.239 --> 0:39:42.200 ever get like a lot of hate or freaked out 0:39:42.239 --> 0:39:44.360 about the things that we share because we've shared a 0:39:44.400 --> 0:39:46.799 lot of things, And I'm like, not really, because it's 0:39:46.840 --> 0:39:48.880 the truth. But that's been over a course of like 0:39:49.680 --> 0:39:53.080 you understanding that honesty is medicine and then also saying 0:39:53.080 --> 0:39:55.640 things a lot have brought me to like a realization, 0:39:56.120 --> 0:39:58.520 like me saying, like I realized in my female friendships, 0:39:58.560 --> 0:40:01.000 I was, I'm being tre figured by certain things because 0:40:01.000 --> 0:40:03.120 if it's rooted in my relationship with my. 0:40:03.080 --> 0:40:04.360 Mother, I don't think I would have known. 0:40:04.400 --> 0:40:06.760 I would I would have had the put those connected 0:40:06.800 --> 0:40:09.680 those dots if I hadn't done this mess talking out 0:40:09.719 --> 0:40:12.640 loud about things that hurt things parts of myself I 0:40:12.640 --> 0:40:14.960 didn't like really love or like parts of myself. 0:40:15.000 --> 0:40:16.640 I'm like, that could use some fucking improvement. 0:40:17.160 --> 0:40:20.600 I'm I think that, Yeah, that avoidance that you say, 0:40:20.680 --> 0:40:24.040 like I saw two people on our retreat is specifically 0:40:24.239 --> 0:40:28.240 we make profiles, said like, we asked them to describe 0:40:28.280 --> 0:40:30.640 themselves in three words, and I saw twice. I thought 0:40:30.640 --> 0:40:32.920 it was an interesting I mean, it's a great thing quality. 0:40:32.960 --> 0:40:36.360 But two people put hype woman, and I was like, 0:40:36.400 --> 0:40:39.640 that's an interesting adjective to describe yourself as. And I 0:40:39.680 --> 0:40:41.440 meant to ask them about that, like do you hype 0:40:41.440 --> 0:40:44.879 yourself up? But I think that it's absolutely a distraction 0:40:45.560 --> 0:40:49.279 from yourself doing like figuring out what you like and 0:40:49.320 --> 0:40:51.920 who you are, and so you are always prioritizing somebody else, 0:40:51.960 --> 0:40:54.279 always thinking about someone else, it's because you don't want 0:40:54.320 --> 0:40:56.480 to do the inner work that says, like do I 0:40:56.560 --> 0:40:56.759 love to. 0:40:56.840 --> 0:40:58.880 Get very creative at hiding from ourselves. 0:40:58.920 --> 0:41:00.399 Oh and it seems like I'm just I a really 0:41:00.440 --> 0:41:04.440 nice person. No bitch, you want to not look at 0:41:04.480 --> 0:41:06.919 yourself in the mirror and figure out what's up with you? 0:41:06.920 --> 0:41:07.120 You know. 0:41:07.200 --> 0:41:09.839 So I do think like the talking out loud has 0:41:09.840 --> 0:41:13.279 been medicine and has been a practice of Yeah, this 0:41:13.320 --> 0:41:14.880 is who I am, and that's why I was last year, 0:41:14.880 --> 0:41:16.520 and that's how I was last week, and this is 0:41:16.520 --> 0:41:18.200 who I am today, and this is how I've grown 0:41:18.239 --> 0:41:22.160 from that, and like I'm always changing, I'm always growing, 0:41:22.280 --> 0:41:24.880 like like the world is always spinning, like this is 0:41:25.160 --> 0:41:27.200 I'm not perfect, you know, and I know that, and 0:41:27.280 --> 0:41:30.200 so I think it's helped really give me acceptance in 0:41:30.200 --> 0:41:30.680 that space. 0:41:31.080 --> 0:41:31.839 Yeah, I mean I agree. 0:41:31.880 --> 0:41:35.279 I think that speaking for sure has been transformational in 0:41:35.280 --> 0:41:37.080 my life because I felt like I held a lot 0:41:37.120 --> 0:41:39.880 of things in before. When I mentioned Mila, like I 0:41:39.960 --> 0:41:43.080 was ready to burst open, like I was like I 0:41:43.080 --> 0:41:46.440 got some shit to say because I had suppressed so 0:41:46.600 --> 0:41:49.080 much suppressed, like like again, like how I felt about 0:41:49.080 --> 0:41:51.960 my body. I had suppressed how I felt about my 0:41:52.080 --> 0:41:55.719 relationships I had suppressed like just just so. 0:41:55.800 --> 0:41:56.719 Everything, you know. 0:41:56.800 --> 0:41:58.640 So being able to speak there was a freedom that 0:41:58.840 --> 0:42:01.879 I had never really experienceerienced. And being able to sit 0:42:01.920 --> 0:42:06.280 with my sister and her accept me even after I've expressed. 0:42:05.880 --> 0:42:07.520 Those things was very healing to me. 0:42:08.120 --> 0:42:10.560 Being able to sit with women like you who are 0:42:10.640 --> 0:42:12.239 very We've had, I mean women come on our show 0:42:12.239 --> 0:42:14.399 and they're very vulnerable, you know, and so like that's 0:42:14.440 --> 0:42:18.240 healing for me. Having our community reach out and say, hey, Erica, 0:42:18.360 --> 0:42:20.560 like that was really dope that thing that you said, 0:42:20.680 --> 0:42:24.560 or I really relate to that experience, or I didn't 0:42:24.600 --> 0:42:25.920 know I could do that, and I'm like, bitch, I 0:42:25.960 --> 0:42:27.719 didn't know I could do that. But you know, like 0:42:27.920 --> 0:42:30.359 those are things that keep me going and help heal 0:42:30.440 --> 0:42:32.720 the little girl in me that like felt like, oh 0:42:32.760 --> 0:42:35.520 I'm too much or or maybe I shouldn't say that, 0:42:35.719 --> 0:42:37.600 or maybe I shouldn't wear that, or maybe I should 0:42:37.640 --> 0:42:39.440 lose weight, or maybe I should you know this or that, 0:42:39.520 --> 0:42:42.719 Like even like yesterday we had a we were a 0:42:43.000 --> 0:42:46.560 black effect fest and I wore this like super tight 0:42:46.560 --> 0:42:47.120 blue thing and. 0:42:47.040 --> 0:42:49.560 Everyone was giving me thank you. 0:42:49.719 --> 0:42:52.719 But I've been like in privately, like the last like 0:42:52.840 --> 0:42:55.600 five months feeling like I don't like like my body. 0:42:55.640 --> 0:42:58.840 I did not tell from that clip. I would never guess, 0:42:58.880 --> 0:43:00.200 but I. 0:43:00.120 --> 0:43:01.880 Think because I have to show up every week no 0:43:01.960 --> 0:43:04.680 matter what, I have to push through. I have to 0:43:04.680 --> 0:43:08.000 push through, and yes, like and then I look at 0:43:08.000 --> 0:43:08.440 the pictures and. 0:43:08.440 --> 0:43:10.319 I'm like, but why are you always tripping on your 0:43:10.320 --> 0:43:11.480 body like you're good? 0:43:12.280 --> 0:43:15.160 And it's just because my body takes different shapes and forms, 0:43:15.200 --> 0:43:17.160 you know. And I think also growing up in LA, 0:43:17.239 --> 0:43:20.480 growing up in white spaces, growing up in the entertainment industry, 0:43:21.040 --> 0:43:24.200 you know, all those things paired with men that you know, 0:43:24.719 --> 0:43:27.279 I felt like if maybe if I if I'm if 0:43:27.320 --> 0:43:28.759 I look this way or I look that way, you 0:43:28.760 --> 0:43:31.520 won't cheat on me, or like maybe you'll stay Like 0:43:31.560 --> 0:43:34.719 those things started to play into my psyche and are 0:43:34.800 --> 0:43:40.120 things I'm still unraveling now, like even now. So I 0:43:40.160 --> 0:43:43.919 think that sitting here and talking and sharing even right 0:43:43.960 --> 0:43:47.240 now saying this is healing for me. So I always 0:43:47.280 --> 0:43:48.720 tell people like, you don't have to have a podcast 0:43:48.760 --> 0:43:50.239 to heal, but I do think you have to say 0:43:50.280 --> 0:43:55.200 the thing like fucking talk into your phone daily and 0:43:55.280 --> 0:43:57.320 just say things that you don't even like that you 0:43:57.360 --> 0:43:59.960 don't feel comfortable saying to other people and see how 0:44:00.080 --> 0:44:02.000 your life starts to transform. 0:44:01.760 --> 0:44:05.680 And even about being like accountable. I don't even listen 0:44:05.719 --> 0:44:08.880 to what I said. I just know I said it exactly. 0:44:08.920 --> 0:44:10.480 I don't even go back and listen. I just know 0:44:10.560 --> 0:44:11.000 I said it. 0:44:11.400 --> 0:44:13.080 I was like, well, there's a level of just yeah, 0:44:13.239 --> 0:44:14.600 just the release of saying it. 0:44:14.920 --> 0:44:16.560 Yeah, just the release of their body. 0:44:16.600 --> 0:44:20.080 There's things like I crazy a little bit, witness, Yes, yes, 0:44:20.200 --> 0:44:22.200 it's just say the thing in witness. And I think 0:44:22.200 --> 0:44:26.320 that that the frequency of sound, like audio, has energy. 0:44:26.400 --> 0:44:31.280 Like I think we underestimate our power as energetic you know, beings, gods, 0:44:31.360 --> 0:44:34.560 you know, divine beings and so like everything that comes 0:44:34.560 --> 0:44:37.000 from us, everything we create, things, you sing, things you 0:44:37.239 --> 0:44:40.759 play out theatrically, they all hold and carry a frequency, 0:44:41.080 --> 0:44:43.120 and like literally as we're talking right now, like it's 0:44:43.239 --> 0:44:45.440 it's being emitted into the you know, and to the 0:44:45.440 --> 0:44:48.160 the ethers, and there's power there. And that's why people 0:44:48.200 --> 0:44:50.640 say like words or spells, yes, bitch, because the universe 0:44:50.680 --> 0:44:53.200 is always listening and creating based on what's here and 0:44:53.239 --> 0:44:55.440 what's coming out of your mouth. So I think like 0:44:56.000 --> 0:44:59.440 we don't give ourselves enough credit as divine beings, and 0:44:59.480 --> 0:45:01.200 so that the works and the things that we put 0:45:01.239 --> 0:45:04.759 out into the earth are often underestimated how much power 0:45:04.880 --> 0:45:06.719 they really hold. Even how we speak to each other, 0:45:07.000 --> 0:45:09.799 even touching each other, even connecting on a like personal level, 0:45:09.960 --> 0:45:11.880 like looking at a bitch in the eye, looking at 0:45:11.920 --> 0:45:14.400 yourself in the eye and saying like, you know, you're important, 0:45:14.400 --> 0:45:17.000 you matter, or just how we speak to people, like 0:45:17.239 --> 0:45:20.880 just how transformative words can be, if we're kind, if 0:45:20.880 --> 0:45:23.240 we're sweet, instead of just being like you know, whatever, 0:45:23.280 --> 0:45:25.920 fuck you, even what you were saying earlier, I resonate 0:45:26.000 --> 0:45:28.960 with about like your mom, you know, like maybe speaking 0:45:29.040 --> 0:45:31.160 kind of harshly or being very direct, Like I grew 0:45:31.239 --> 0:45:33.719 up in a household that way. So I realized, like, 0:45:33.800 --> 0:45:36.560 that's how I speak to my daughter, girl, who you're 0:45:36.560 --> 0:45:37.160 fucking playing with? 0:45:37.400 --> 0:45:38.960 Go whatever? You know what I mean. 0:45:39.040 --> 0:45:42.400 And I realized, like, that's because I'm a product of 0:45:42.400 --> 0:45:44.759 my environment, you know, And I've had to really work 0:45:44.800 --> 0:45:48.239 on softening because that's not how I was raised. Do 0:45:48.280 --> 0:45:50.759 you experience that with like your your step children like that, 0:45:50.800 --> 0:45:52.680 I mean, maybe I don't know, how do you feel? 0:45:52.800 --> 0:45:56.480 Well, it's different because I'm I have two step children 0:45:57.120 --> 0:46:01.000 eleven and fourteen sailor. She's fourteen. She lives with me, 0:46:01.200 --> 0:46:03.799 and I call her my bonus daughter, so they call 0:46:03.880 --> 0:46:06.960 me bonus mom. So being a bonus mom is a 0:46:06.960 --> 0:46:09.480 little different. I feel like as an entry pointed to 0:46:09.600 --> 0:46:13.680 motherhood because you're watching these two people do it, so 0:46:13.719 --> 0:46:16.200 you're you're kind of like one step removed because she 0:46:16.280 --> 0:46:18.319 already has two parents. She has a mother and a father, 0:46:18.400 --> 0:46:20.040 and I get to see their choices that they make, 0:46:20.280 --> 0:46:22.920 and I get to just like, Ali you, I love me, 0:46:23.080 --> 0:46:24.879 I love me. I feel like being a bonus mom 0:46:24.960 --> 0:46:26.960 is just I love it. I love it down. I 0:46:26.960 --> 0:46:28.759 get all the good stuff. And then at the end 0:46:28.800 --> 0:46:30.200 of the day, you know, they got a lot of 0:46:30.200 --> 0:46:31.880 places to go, they got a lot of family, They 0:46:31.920 --> 0:46:33.160 got their mom, they got their dad. 0:46:33.600 --> 0:46:33.799 You know. 0:46:33.920 --> 0:46:38.120 But when it comes to what was the fucking question again, 0:46:38.160 --> 0:46:40.680 bro my memory, because is it TikTok? 0:46:41.719 --> 0:46:46.200 Blame somebody not TikTok maybe spoke harshly. Do you feel 0:46:46.239 --> 0:46:47.960 like you've had to work on not speaking harshly? 0:46:48.080 --> 0:46:50.960 Thank you? But I also had great, a great step 0:46:51.000 --> 0:46:53.640 mother and the godmother, so I had like women who 0:46:53.719 --> 0:46:56.680 weren't my mother pouring to me. So I have a 0:46:56.719 --> 0:46:59.800 different dynamic because I really always thought about wanting to 0:46:59.800 --> 0:47:04.640 pay that forward, like I mean, yeah, I mean I 0:47:04.760 --> 0:47:07.839 was the only black child in my household. My mother 0:47:07.960 --> 0:47:11.600 is white Cuban. She married my father who's African American, 0:47:11.760 --> 0:47:14.520 had me and my sister. They got divorced, my mom 0:47:14.560 --> 0:47:16.640 remarried a white man and had my sisters. So I 0:47:16.680 --> 0:47:19.480 have one sister who's blonde hair, blue eyes, and then 0:47:19.520 --> 0:47:22.239 I have a bunch of other siblings that are biracial 0:47:22.320 --> 0:47:25.480 and black. So I was in there in the house 0:47:25.520 --> 0:47:28.880 with my mother who's white, passing kind of kind of 0:47:28.920 --> 0:47:31.799 like similar to the girl and sinners. I didn't see 0:47:31.800 --> 0:47:34.960 it yet, okay, that type of vibe, and then my 0:47:35.040 --> 0:47:39.280 stepfather who's white, my sister who's white, and so I 0:47:39.400 --> 0:47:42.640 was very confused. That's interesting, you can imagine, right, And 0:47:42.680 --> 0:47:45.000 there was a lot of chaos, a police around house 0:47:45.040 --> 0:47:47.120 all the time. So the first person, one of the 0:47:47.120 --> 0:47:49.839 first people to be like super nice to me and 0:47:50.000 --> 0:47:53.439 just like hi, was my She became my godmother. She's 0:47:53.480 --> 0:47:56.319 MISSI rest in peace. But what she gave me and 0:47:56.360 --> 0:47:58.719 what women gave me, my teachers who poured into me 0:47:58.760 --> 0:48:01.360 and stuff, I've always wanted to that forward. So I 0:48:01.400 --> 0:48:04.319 don't have a lot of trouble with the negatives, like 0:48:04.520 --> 0:48:08.279 with the harsh voice too, sailor. However, I do have 0:48:08.320 --> 0:48:12.000 to catch it with myself. She's a witness to my behavior, 0:48:12.040 --> 0:48:13.719 and I noticed, like, kids is not gonna do what 0:48:13.760 --> 0:48:16.120 you do say, they're gonna do what you do. They're 0:48:16.160 --> 0:48:18.879 watching how you treat yourself. They're watching how you treat 0:48:18.920 --> 0:48:21.400 other people. So if i'm you know, like how you 0:48:21.480 --> 0:48:23.520 might say stuff about your body like oh I look 0:48:23.600 --> 0:48:25.560 So I don't say that only fat, I don't. I'm 0:48:25.560 --> 0:48:27.640 always like, ooh, I look so beautiful. I make sure 0:48:27.680 --> 0:48:29.239 to give myself a lot of compliments. I love the 0:48:29.280 --> 0:48:30.960 way I look. And my husband's really great at that 0:48:31.000 --> 0:48:32.800 because be like, oh this is beautiful. It is beautiful. 0:48:33.040 --> 0:48:34.799 Because I start to hear her, you know, even say 0:48:34.800 --> 0:48:36.440 little things like oh I have a bump on my 0:48:36.520 --> 0:48:38.799 face or oh, but you still look beautiful. Your skin 0:48:38.840 --> 0:48:41.600 looks beautiful. So to me, I feel like I'm hyper 0:48:41.640 --> 0:48:43.160 aware because. 0:48:42.840 --> 0:48:43.840 She's not my daughter. 0:48:44.080 --> 0:48:46.239 Yeah, I almost feel like when it's your kid, it's like, 0:48:46.280 --> 0:48:49.080 what ain't mine? You know, say you mine? So I'm 0:48:49.160 --> 0:48:51.640 very mindful. So I'm very careful with the way I 0:48:51.640 --> 0:48:53.880 speak I make sure to. Like the other day, she 0:48:54.000 --> 0:48:55.759 was like preparing for a test. She really wanted to 0:48:55.800 --> 0:48:58.000 go to this dance and her dad told her like, 0:48:58.080 --> 0:49:00.000 if you don't get your grades up, you're not good. 0:49:00.640 --> 0:49:01.920 And you know, we were talking to her and I 0:49:01.960 --> 0:49:03.560 was like, you gotta believe in yourself. Well, I don't know, 0:49:03.600 --> 0:49:05.839 I don't know. I was like, you're smart, You're this, 0:49:05.920 --> 0:49:07.960 you're that. And then later I was like putting something 0:49:08.000 --> 0:49:09.920 away in her room and I've seen she had the 0:49:09.920 --> 0:49:12.120 post it notes like all in her mirror like I 0:49:12.160 --> 0:49:15.560 am smart, I am strong, I did good eighth grade 0:49:15.640 --> 0:49:17.360 dance like and all this, and so like when I 0:49:17.400 --> 0:49:20.280 see stuff like that, just it just makes it all worth. 0:49:20.080 --> 0:49:21.520 It, you know, you know it's working. 0:49:21.680 --> 0:49:24.319 Yeah. She teaches me to be kind to myself just 0:49:24.400 --> 0:49:26.880 in being around Like y'all have girls too. I feel like, 0:49:27.080 --> 0:49:30.320 you know, you just very aware how you can remember. 0:49:30.760 --> 0:49:33.279 We have memories from ten years old, five years old, 0:49:33.320 --> 0:49:34.640 and I'm like, damn, this is gonna be a fucking 0:49:34.680 --> 0:49:38.160 trauma moment. She's gonna be in therapy, my stepfa. 0:49:39.640 --> 0:49:41.280 She's sad right right. 0:49:42.040 --> 0:49:44.920 That leads me to our bad choice of the week. 0:49:45.120 --> 0:49:47.359 Yeahah, because you kind of shared with me what your 0:49:47.360 --> 0:49:49.080 bad choice of the week is, but can you share 0:49:49.520 --> 0:49:50.879 what you were going to share? 0:49:51.200 --> 0:49:51.759 Bad mom? 0:49:51.880 --> 0:49:57.200 Not a bad mom, but a bad mom so good. 0:50:00.160 --> 0:50:05.000 I'm living, so I think I was like, I was thinking, like, 0:50:05.040 --> 0:50:07.640 what would my bad choice be? I think, I hope 0:50:07.640 --> 0:50:09.360 I'm answering the question right, So if I answer it 0:50:09.440 --> 0:50:11.919 and I don't just tell me, ask me again. But 0:50:12.480 --> 0:50:14.040 I feel like a bad choice that I feel like 0:50:14.280 --> 0:50:16.799 might look bad. And if I would have went back, 0:50:16.840 --> 0:50:18.600 I would have said, she's what the fuck you doing? 0:50:18.640 --> 0:50:21.239 Low key? But it turned out to be good. Is 0:50:21.280 --> 0:50:23.799 being a bonus mom? Like I think, like right before 0:50:23.840 --> 0:50:25.560 I met Ace, if you would have asked me like, oh, 0:50:25.600 --> 0:50:28.640 do you dating man with kids? Hell no, hell no, 0:50:28.800 --> 0:50:31.160 fuck them kids. I don't want them, you know, Like 0:50:31.200 --> 0:50:33.319 that was very much the vibe I was on. But 0:50:33.560 --> 0:50:37.320 then I was like, okay, there are two one baby mama, 0:50:38.400 --> 0:50:40.000 we can negotiate. We can negotiate. 0:50:40.200 --> 0:50:43.320 I like him, and shit, yeah, like you know, but. 0:50:43.440 --> 0:50:46.960 Honestly, without hyperbole, I just have the best bonus kids 0:50:46.960 --> 0:50:50.359 on the planet. They're so cool, Like, they're fun, they're 0:50:50.400 --> 0:50:54.040 funny to be around, they're smart, they're engaging, and like 0:50:54.280 --> 0:50:56.160 through being a bonus mom. I had to deal with 0:50:56.200 --> 0:50:59.239 my ego a lot. And I don't know, I think 0:50:59.320 --> 0:51:01.879 parenting is the ghetto anyway, Like you would have got 0:51:01.960 --> 0:51:04.040 to that point. Y'all can correct me if I'm wrong, 0:51:04.080 --> 0:51:07.080 because I'm not a mother biologically, But you got to 0:51:07.080 --> 0:51:10.399 confront your ego a lot. Like so many times, let's 0:51:10.400 --> 0:51:12.640 say I wanted something my way, but she has two 0:51:12.640 --> 0:51:14.120 parents who wanted a different way. That I have to 0:51:14.160 --> 0:51:17.960 put myself to the side, So managing my ego and 0:51:18.040 --> 0:51:21.280 being kind to myself. I had a very harsh InterVoice 0:51:21.320 --> 0:51:23.560 growing up, and so like I'm not a person. Like 0:51:23.560 --> 0:51:26.800 when I meet women who've always been confident, I'm like, damn, 0:51:27.040 --> 0:51:29.520 that's so cool. You just believe in yourself. Like I 0:51:29.560 --> 0:51:32.040 had to really fight for the belief in myself, like 0:51:32.280 --> 0:51:35.120 you're good, You're worthy of things. And so I'm very 0:51:35.160 --> 0:51:37.839 mindful of that and this when I'm around her, I 0:51:37.880 --> 0:51:40.600 have to really be disciplined about the way that I 0:51:40.600 --> 0:51:43.480 speak to myself and the way that I speak to her. Like, 0:51:43.719 --> 0:51:46.480 all right, I told her, don't leave these dishes. She's 0:51:46.480 --> 0:51:48.279 still doing it. Like what am I gonna say? How 0:51:48.280 --> 0:51:50.520 am I gonna candle that you see I'm saying, I 0:51:50.520 --> 0:51:52.120 feel like if it's your own kids, you might fly 0:51:52.160 --> 0:51:52.680 off and be. 0:51:52.600 --> 0:51:58.400 Like girl, I told, yeah, exactly, that's true. An interesting perspective, 0:51:58.400 --> 0:52:00.560 and I was thinking that it may be like you're 0:52:00.640 --> 0:52:02.759 a little bit more aware, which is wild because you 0:52:02.800 --> 0:52:05.000 should just be aware in general, especially you know. 0:52:05.880 --> 0:52:06.560 But I also I. 0:52:06.600 --> 0:52:08.640 Wanted to ask you also before we get out of here, like, 0:52:09.080 --> 0:52:11.760 I know you've been really transparent and talked about your 0:52:11.840 --> 0:52:14.759 your journey to motherhood and like having bonus kids, and 0:52:14.760 --> 0:52:16.040 I know that you wanted to have you know, you 0:52:16.080 --> 0:52:19.000 want to have you know, kids, and how how have 0:52:19.120 --> 0:52:21.799 you healed that and like how have you been able 0:52:21.840 --> 0:52:24.120 to be comfortable talking about it and like, you know, 0:52:24.440 --> 0:52:26.760 all those things. I think it's something just in general, 0:52:27.040 --> 0:52:29.080 like you said, society tells you since you're a child, 0:52:29.120 --> 0:52:31.200 they give you that fucking baby, plastic baby, and they're like, 0:52:31.200 --> 0:52:33.800 this is what you're gonna do. So I think women 0:52:34.680 --> 0:52:37.040 often don't talk about the journey to you know, like 0:52:37.560 --> 0:52:39.640 fraternity and fertility. 0:52:39.680 --> 0:52:41.000 Start fraternity. 0:52:41.160 --> 0:52:44.880 She was like, sororities, fraternities, babies. 0:52:46.320 --> 0:52:49.799 Okay, Okay, how do you feel right? 0:52:51.760 --> 0:52:52.000 Yeah? 0:52:52.120 --> 0:52:54.120 I so definitely. I was one of the ones always 0:52:54.160 --> 0:52:55.560 want to be a mom. I love being a mom. 0:52:55.600 --> 0:52:57.960 I love taking care of babies and all the things. 0:52:58.160 --> 0:53:00.160 My mom tells a story to me every time I 0:53:00.200 --> 0:53:02.600 see her. That my little sister who's blonde hair and 0:53:02.640 --> 0:53:04.120 blue eyes, she looked like a baby doll to me, 0:53:04.440 --> 0:53:06.319 like when she was born. I was like, this is 0:53:06.320 --> 0:53:08.560 a real life dog. And she's like, you know, this 0:53:08.640 --> 0:53:10.359 is back And I'm raised in the eighties. I don't 0:53:10.360 --> 0:53:11.360 know if y'all remember. 0:53:11.120 --> 0:53:13.400 Eckerts oh the store. 0:53:13.480 --> 0:53:15.560 Maybe I'm from the South, maybe I didn't have them, 0:53:15.640 --> 0:53:17.400 But we used to be left in the car, like 0:53:17.400 --> 0:53:19.520 when our mom went to the store. That was normal. 0:53:19.560 --> 0:53:20.920 I don't even know if moms are allowed to do 0:53:20.960 --> 0:53:23.800 that anymore. But oh, you're not. You get arrested. CPS 0:53:23.800 --> 0:53:24.200 will be there. 0:53:24.239 --> 0:53:26.600 Yeah, you're a bad mother. 0:53:26.640 --> 0:53:29.839 They have you on TikTok by story time. Okay, So 0:53:29.920 --> 0:53:31.480 I was in the car. My mom was like, I'll 0:53:31.520 --> 0:53:33.440 be right back. I was five years old. My sister 0:53:33.560 --> 0:53:36.359 was just born, and she was crying, and I don't 0:53:36.400 --> 0:53:38.520 know how I knew, but I knew that she needed 0:53:38.520 --> 0:53:40.440 her diaper change. I took her out the car seat, 0:53:40.800 --> 0:53:43.120 changed her diaper, put her back in the car seat, 0:53:43.280 --> 0:53:44.680 and then my mom got in the car and she 0:53:44.760 --> 0:53:46.359 was like, you were just sitting there and you just said, 0:53:46.360 --> 0:53:49.479 oh yeah, Mom, I changed her diaper. So I feel 0:53:49.480 --> 0:53:51.880 like I've always had that spirit in me, that nurturing 0:53:52.000 --> 0:53:55.680 is very present. And so I was on birth control 0:53:55.760 --> 0:53:58.720 since I I just found out in my late thirties 0:53:58.719 --> 0:54:01.920 that I have endometrioses. All these years where I've been 0:54:01.920 --> 0:54:03.839 trying to get a diagnosis and they've just been telling 0:54:03.840 --> 0:54:07.200 you to take birth control, which retroactively made everything worse. 0:54:07.880 --> 0:54:09.840 So I thought, oh, when I get my I u 0:54:09.920 --> 0:54:15.080 d out, I'm gonna just get pregnant like we fucking like, hey, hey, 0:54:15.160 --> 0:54:17.560 we be on the mission. So I'm thinking it's just 0:54:17.600 --> 0:54:20.880 gonna happen. I never in a million years. I'm like, 0:54:20.920 --> 0:54:23.840 I'm a spiritual girlie. I do the crystals, you know, 0:54:24.000 --> 0:54:26.359 I'm I'm with the girls. I'm eating veggies and shit, 0:54:26.520 --> 0:54:28.680 and like, what do you mean, I'm doing my step aerobics, 0:54:28.719 --> 0:54:30.920 Like there's no I'm you know, I'm in touch with 0:54:30.960 --> 0:54:34.080 my divine feminine of course, so my ego took a 0:54:34.400 --> 0:54:37.600 massive hit when my fertility journey did not go the 0:54:37.600 --> 0:54:40.200 way that I mean, the first miscarriage, I was in 0:54:40.239 --> 0:54:41.959 the middle of filming love and hip hop. 0:54:42.480 --> 0:54:46.560 No, that sounds like. 0:54:48.640 --> 0:54:49.640 That sounds in. 0:54:51.440 --> 0:54:54.719 Listen. Yes, So it was crazy. I'm like, all right, 0:54:54.760 --> 0:54:57.520 one is fine. But then it just kept happening, and 0:54:57.560 --> 0:55:00.320 then I started to go like, oh wait a minute, Okay, 0:55:00.320 --> 0:55:03.040 this is before I had my diagnosis, what's wrong with me? 0:55:03.080 --> 0:55:05.759 And it really took me a long time to work 0:55:05.800 --> 0:55:09.000 through that shame and guilt. Because if you're told as 0:55:09.040 --> 0:55:11.680 a woman, one of the things that you are made 0:55:11.760 --> 0:55:15.560 to do on this earth is to birth children, and 0:55:15.600 --> 0:55:18.080 you find yourself not being able to do that, then 0:55:18.160 --> 0:55:21.960 what then? What? Remember when I saw the Barbie movie 0:55:22.320 --> 0:55:24.279 that I saw it so many times cause I love 0:55:24.320 --> 0:55:26.560 the ending so much because of that song, that Billie 0:55:26.560 --> 0:55:28.919 Eilish song what Am I Made For? And I would 0:55:28.960 --> 0:55:31.279 just listen to that part, like what am I Made For? 0:55:31.680 --> 0:55:34.360 I remember I thought to myself, like, what the fuck 0:55:34.400 --> 0:55:36.960 am I even like a good wife? Like especially he 0:55:37.000 --> 0:55:40.160 already has two kids and they're so amazing and brilliant, 0:55:40.239 --> 0:55:43.120 like and here I am. So it took. It was 0:55:43.320 --> 0:55:45.600 not easy, the journey. I'm still on the journey. I 0:55:45.600 --> 0:55:48.840 don't have any children yet, I have not conceived, but 0:55:48.920 --> 0:55:52.880 what I have done is stop trying. I stopped trying 0:55:53.000 --> 0:55:56.160 after I had to do multiple surgeries, had to get ovariances, 0:55:56.840 --> 0:55:59.799 removed multiple things to remove the tissue like end of 0:55:59.840 --> 0:56:03.880 me leaves like all this leftover tissue scar tissue exactly, 0:56:04.120 --> 0:56:06.560 and so getting that remove and then I just decided, 0:56:06.640 --> 0:56:09.560 you know what, like Tracy elis Roth said, and that 0:56:09.560 --> 0:56:12.680 that podcast interview she did the other day with Michelle Obama, 0:56:12.760 --> 0:56:16.560 what is this about? Like what is this about? What 0:56:16.600 --> 0:56:19.759 am I searching for? What is it that I'm looking for? 0:56:19.960 --> 0:56:23.000 I'm very much looking for something. There was a part 0:56:23.000 --> 0:56:25.680 of me that's like, if I cannot do this, if 0:56:25.719 --> 0:56:29.319 I cannot conceive my children, I'm not worthy. I'm not 0:56:29.360 --> 0:56:32.560 a good and I'm not a full whole woman, and 0:56:32.719 --> 0:56:35.480 that had I had to let that go. So the 0:56:35.560 --> 0:56:38.520 place that I was pursuing my fertility journey on was 0:56:38.560 --> 0:56:42.040 the place of lack. And it caused me to ask myself, like, 0:56:42.080 --> 0:56:44.360 what would you what do you think children are going 0:56:44.440 --> 0:56:46.279 to give you that you don't have. What do you 0:56:46.280 --> 0:56:47.840 think it's going to bring out a new version of you? 0:56:47.880 --> 0:56:50.040 And of course it does, because when you birth the child, 0:56:50.000 --> 0:56:52.759 your birth a mother. But for me, I had to 0:56:53.080 --> 0:56:56.480 sit with well, okay, let's take the whole. So I 0:56:56.560 --> 0:56:59.439 do this integration work. I do a lot of spiritual there. 0:56:59.480 --> 0:57:02.759 I'm in all the therapies, and this was where you 0:57:02.920 --> 0:57:06.640 take the fear and you magnify it. So in sessions 0:57:06.760 --> 0:57:08.400 and I did em DR, which is amazing. 0:57:08.440 --> 0:57:14.200 I totally recommend show a few weeks ago Who Changed Life, 0:57:14.200 --> 0:57:18.920 And then yeah, everyone commented on just how hot it is. 0:57:19.160 --> 0:57:25.680 Yeah, I Movement desensitization reprocessing. I recommend it for two reasons. 0:57:25.760 --> 0:57:28.480 Number one is you can do four sessions of e 0:57:28.600 --> 0:57:31.880 M d R and really work through something, whereas talk 0:57:31.960 --> 0:57:36.080 therapy can just be never ending, never never ending. And 0:57:36.600 --> 0:57:40.080 the second is it's more cost effective, Like you can 0:57:40.200 --> 0:57:43.040 literally find you an e M d R specialist, do 0:57:43.160 --> 0:57:47.200 four sessions and you will actually metric like you will 0:57:47.200 --> 0:57:49.520 be able to see the change in your life. And 0:57:49.600 --> 0:57:52.560 it's not through thinking through things. I think like a 0:57:52.560 --> 0:57:56.160 lot of us prioritize our rational mind, logical mind. I'm 0:57:56.200 --> 0:57:57.400 going to think through it. I'm going to talk through 0:57:57.400 --> 0:57:58.800 why my mom left. I'm going to talk through it, 0:57:58.800 --> 0:58:01.480 and you can. But there's a certain somatic healing and 0:58:01.480 --> 0:58:04.640 that's what EMDR is that happens without you thinking through it, 0:58:04.640 --> 0:58:08.160 which I think is helpful. So anyway, in the fear 0:58:08.400 --> 0:58:10.400 was what if I never become a mother? And so 0:58:10.720 --> 0:58:13.480 instead of running from it in the sessions, I would 0:58:13.520 --> 0:58:16.880 magnify it, blow it up, make it big, and run 0:58:17.000 --> 0:58:19.240 right into it like a wave. And I was like, 0:58:19.280 --> 0:58:21.720 on the other side, it wasn't that scary for me, Like, 0:58:21.800 --> 0:58:26.360 I don't if God finds it for me to have 0:58:26.400 --> 0:58:30.320 a child, absolutely, but if I never have a child 0:58:30.360 --> 0:58:33.040 from my own body, I'm still a mother Number one. 0:58:33.560 --> 0:58:35.760 Number two, I'm still valuable, I'm still worthy, and I 0:58:35.760 --> 0:58:38.480 have so many things to birth right, so many things 0:58:38.480 --> 0:58:41.640 to birth into this world. And then also I started 0:58:41.640 --> 0:58:44.320 to think maybe a part of my purpose is to 0:58:44.440 --> 0:58:48.080 express motherhood differently. Look at how many the foster cares are. 0:58:48.400 --> 0:58:51.480 They're full, Yeah, okay, so many children who need care, 0:58:51.560 --> 0:58:53.920 who need support. Why do I feel like, well, there 0:58:53.960 --> 0:58:55.200 was a certain part of me is like is it 0:58:55.320 --> 0:58:57.120 just the ego thing where I feel like I only 0:58:57.200 --> 0:59:00.080 care so much if it's mine. So that's where I 0:59:00.120 --> 0:59:02.800 am right now. I'm exploring what care motherhood looks like 0:59:03.320 --> 0:59:05.440 in all the ways I can express it right now 0:59:05.520 --> 0:59:08.960 because I just felt like this journey like chasing motherhood 0:59:09.000 --> 0:59:14.360 was like killing me. It was killing me spiritual, mentally, physically, 0:59:14.480 --> 0:59:17.320 and I just was like, I'm I refuse to do 0:59:17.360 --> 0:59:19.840 this to myself anymore, Like anything in my life that 0:59:19.880 --> 0:59:22.800 I've had to do all this for something is telling 0:59:22.840 --> 0:59:24.920 me you need to shift, You maybe need to look elsewhere. 0:59:25.400 --> 0:59:26.800 And that's what I decided, was like. 0:59:27.280 --> 0:59:27.960 That's beautiful. 0:59:28.200 --> 0:59:33.200 And I think that women innately just think I'm supposed 0:59:33.200 --> 0:59:35.520 to have kid because it's on the checklist. Yeah, no, bitch, 0:59:35.600 --> 0:59:39.600 you should really just didn't think about it. 0:59:38.000 --> 0:59:43.000 You I work with women, so I hear stories all 0:59:43.040 --> 0:59:44.520 the more I think about it, the more I go. 0:59:44.600 --> 0:59:48.160 I don't know, maybe maybe it's a blessing in disguise, 0:59:49.440 --> 0:59:51.840 because look how hard it is for mothers right now. 0:59:52.280 --> 0:59:55.680 Nobody has support. There's no maternal health care, there's no 0:59:55.760 --> 0:59:58.440 maternal leave. Like you know, women, I hear it all 0:59:58.480 --> 1:00:01.160 the time, Like, I'm not all one of those women 1:00:01.160 --> 1:00:03.240 that will be like nobody told me it could be hard. 1:00:03.320 --> 1:00:06.600 I am exactly the opposite. I have heard the realities. 1:00:07.000 --> 1:00:09.360 Your nipples hurt, is that you know all the things 1:00:09.360 --> 1:00:11.720 that can happen. So I'm not naive, you know, I think. 1:00:11.920 --> 1:00:13.919 So that's why I'm I'm just gonna make the best 1:00:13.920 --> 1:00:17.520 of it whatever. That's the only way I know how 1:00:17.560 --> 1:00:20.320 to deal with life. Otherwise that she gets dark and 1:00:20.360 --> 1:00:22.320 it's just like you feel out of control. So what 1:00:22.360 --> 1:00:25.400 can I control? I can control my perspective on the situation, 1:00:25.760 --> 1:00:29.160 and my perspective is I'm divinely guided and protected always 1:00:29.200 --> 1:00:31.760 at all times. So whatever is in my life, it 1:00:31.800 --> 1:00:32.880 is supposed to be in my life. 1:00:33.000 --> 1:00:34.880 Amen, period, period. 1:00:34.960 --> 1:00:37.040 Okay, So if anybody's looking for a mom. 1:00:43.520 --> 1:00:44.320 That's beautiful. 1:00:44.480 --> 1:00:48.600 Yeah, I really appreciate you sharing that and being like transparent, 1:00:48.760 --> 1:00:51.160 and it happens so much. There's so many women who 1:00:51.160 --> 1:00:53.040 are gonna benefit from hearing you speak like that and 1:00:53.120 --> 1:00:56.840 change their perspective and just like look at the fear 1:00:56.880 --> 1:00:59.880 and magnify it so that you can really like embody 1:01:00.120 --> 1:01:02.600 and say, is it really that motherfucking scary or I'm 1:01:02.760 --> 1:01:04.040 telling myself that it's scary. 1:01:04.120 --> 1:01:05.200 And there's grief either way. 1:01:05.320 --> 1:01:05.680 Mm hmm. 1:01:05.880 --> 1:01:07.680 That's what I just talked about in the video I 1:01:07.720 --> 1:01:09.840 was talking about Tracy Ellis Ross was talking about her 1:01:09.920 --> 1:01:12.640 grief from not having a partner and not having children. 1:01:12.840 --> 1:01:15.840 There's grief either way. If you have children, you're gonna 1:01:15.840 --> 1:01:18.240 grieve the live you lost. If you don't, you're gonna 1:01:18.240 --> 1:01:21.040 grieve all the what ifs. Like there's grieving. And so 1:01:21.120 --> 1:01:23.360 instead of trying to run from something that can bring 1:01:23.400 --> 1:01:26.560 me grief, I'd rather be in a position to manage 1:01:26.560 --> 1:01:28.480 the grief regardless. 1:01:28.920 --> 1:01:31.320 And this shit's gonna happen no matter what, whether it's this, 1:01:31.320 --> 1:01:34.080 this or that. How are you managing with life in general? 1:01:34.440 --> 1:01:36.560 Because it's not always going to be roses and flowers, 1:01:36.600 --> 1:01:41.160 but it can be if your the ability to just 1:01:41.280 --> 1:01:43.920 go through things and stay up is there. And I 1:01:43.960 --> 1:01:47.320 think people like change, like forget that. That's what this 1:01:47.440 --> 1:01:50.920 life is about. It's like finding peace and whatever whatever 1:01:50.960 --> 1:01:51.560 God gives you. 1:01:51.720 --> 1:01:55.280 Essentially, I think definitely finding the peace. And also, like 1:01:56.120 --> 1:01:58.280 you said that you were trying to create a child 1:01:58.320 --> 1:02:01.320 from a place of lack, your body will follow suit 1:02:01.400 --> 1:02:05.320 in that as well, like truly, so you know. And 1:02:05.480 --> 1:02:07.160 and that's not to say that, oh, now you live 1:02:07.160 --> 1:02:08.600 in abundant life and now you're at peace and now 1:02:08.600 --> 1:02:09.160 suddenly you're. 1:02:09.040 --> 1:02:09.600 Gonna have a baby. 1:02:09.600 --> 1:02:11.760 That's not that's that might not be the case either, 1:02:12.080 --> 1:02:14.720 But I but wouldn't you rather live in that frequency? 1:02:15.280 --> 1:02:17.840 Like wouldn't you rather create life in that frequency. Wouldn't 1:02:17.840 --> 1:02:19.880 you rather accept that maybe in this lifetime you won't 1:02:19.920 --> 1:02:21.240 create life in that frequency? 1:02:21.440 --> 1:02:22.120 Right? You know? 1:02:22.360 --> 1:02:24.000 And that's kind of like what it is. I know 1:02:24.040 --> 1:02:25.840 you guys are very spiritual too, and I feel like 1:02:25.880 --> 1:02:28.760 I've been communicating with my there's two it's a boy 1:02:28.760 --> 1:02:32.040 and a girl spirit children for years and I I 1:02:32.480 --> 1:02:34.560 where I am now are my spiritual journeys. I get 1:02:34.560 --> 1:02:38.439 this sense that they will only enter the earth through 1:02:38.480 --> 1:02:42.200 my body with a very specific set of circumstances, and 1:02:42.280 --> 1:02:44.760 if it's not up to their standard, they're. 1:02:44.600 --> 1:02:45.000 Not doing it. 1:02:45.120 --> 1:02:45.520 Not coming. 1:02:45.600 --> 1:02:47.160 I feel like they came and peeked around a few 1:02:47.200 --> 1:02:50.120 times and they were like, Noah, no, Mom, get together. 1:02:50.920 --> 1:02:53.720 And so I agree, I'd rather be in that vibration. 1:02:53.880 --> 1:02:57.720 Like regardless, how is your husband, I guess supported you 1:02:57.800 --> 1:03:00.480 through the grief and this process. 1:03:00.640 --> 1:03:04.120 He has so much faith. Like that's one thing that 1:03:04.160 --> 1:03:08.160 I love about him and his family, Like his mom 1:03:08.320 --> 1:03:10.680 is one of those like praying Grandma's Like, you know 1:03:10.840 --> 1:03:13.120 she going and pray over you. That's okay, baby, she 1:03:13.160 --> 1:03:15.919 gonna encourage you. And like that's another reason why he 1:03:16.040 --> 1:03:19.000 latched on and did so well with Khaled, because Calid 1:03:19.080 --> 1:03:21.880 speaks like that, like that like Ace knows how to 1:03:21.960 --> 1:03:26.040 speak things into existence, and he's very encouraging. He never worried. 1:03:26.080 --> 1:03:29.440 I'm like, you're not worried, No, no, can you at 1:03:29.560 --> 1:03:32.120 least indulge make me feel like I'm not fucking crazy? 1:03:32.400 --> 1:03:34.960 But he I'm like, I think it's a little easier too. 1:03:35.000 --> 1:03:36.640 I tell him this also, I think it might be 1:03:36.680 --> 1:03:39.240 a little easier for him. Number one, it's not his body. 1:03:39.360 --> 1:03:41.720 He's he's a man, and he has to like like 1:03:41.800 --> 1:03:43.600 you can look at them like sailor will come down 1:03:43.640 --> 1:03:45.880 the stairs and you'll see like you have one already. 1:03:45.920 --> 1:03:48.960 But to him, in his mind, he's like, I have 1:03:49.040 --> 1:03:51.640 no doubt in my mind, no doubt. And he prays 1:03:51.680 --> 1:03:55.080 a lot and he does like womb massages and stuff 1:03:55.120 --> 1:03:58.800 like that. Wow, he's a gem. One thing. I really 1:03:58.880 --> 1:04:02.000 looked up with a torus man, a healed tourist man, 1:04:02.040 --> 1:04:05.560 because they love being married. He loves being married. 1:04:05.400 --> 1:04:07.200 Like emphasis unhealed healed. 1:04:07.520 --> 1:04:09.120 Yeah, because we were just talking about it, were just 1:04:09.160 --> 1:04:11.840 talking about unhealed towards men yesterday. 1:04:11.040 --> 1:04:11.480 Oh my god. 1:04:11.960 --> 1:04:14.440 Stubborn, so stubborn. 1:04:17.320 --> 1:04:19.640 She's like, I'm sorr, I'm whispering probably heard it on 1:04:19.680 --> 1:04:19.880 the mic. 1:04:20.040 --> 1:04:26.000 I know that, Yeah, yeah, and shout out to the 1:04:26.000 --> 1:04:28.560 men that loved being married and loved being husbands and like, 1:04:28.720 --> 1:04:30.240 are he's. 1:04:30.080 --> 1:04:33.480 A lover voice mine aries, that's what you said. 1:04:34.280 --> 1:04:38.600 Yeah, I feel like Scorpio Taurus, those two signs, I think, 1:04:38.800 --> 1:04:42.600 because they're the opposite unhealed, are very. 1:04:42.560 --> 1:04:44.720 I've heard dangerous. 1:04:45.200 --> 1:04:47.240 I'm a Scorpio, I'm a Scorpios. 1:04:48.040 --> 1:04:50.480 You got isn't that the stinger? You got the stinger right? 1:04:50.680 --> 1:04:50.960 Yeah? 1:04:51.240 --> 1:04:53.919 By scorpio that has like committed to doing no work 1:04:54.160 --> 1:05:00.720 is actually a demonic, Like it couldn't really be a scary. 1:05:00.360 --> 1:05:01.920 Time for they can really. 1:05:02.120 --> 1:05:04.880 Yeah, I've experienced it on the other end, not necessarily 1:05:04.920 --> 1:05:08.080 me because I'm perfect, but the men that I've dated, 1:05:08.080 --> 1:05:11.720 who my partner now is a Scorpio and he's like amazing. 1:05:11.160 --> 1:05:13.479 To Scorpios, how is that going? 1:05:13.920 --> 1:05:14.360 Amazing? 1:05:14.760 --> 1:05:16.720 And but before that, I was with a Scorpio and 1:05:16.760 --> 1:05:18.880 so that was a different dynamic and we fed each other, 1:05:18.920 --> 1:05:20.040 we fed each other in different ways. 1:05:20.040 --> 1:05:22.960 It was very sexually driven and like that was what 1:05:23.120 --> 1:05:27.240 was there. But emotionally, like you know, like it's it 1:05:27.240 --> 1:05:30.000 can be very very scary. 1:05:30.720 --> 1:05:33.479 So I think, like you said like a healed Turus man, 1:05:33.600 --> 1:05:34.920 And I think you know Taurus is they do. 1:05:35.000 --> 1:05:38.400 They love home life. They love like. 1:05:39.000 --> 1:05:42.480 They like a foundation, they like structure, like they really 1:05:42.640 --> 1:05:46.600 like to feel in community with people. 1:05:46.320 --> 1:05:48.640 And especially your family. Yeah, so I think that's beautiful that. 1:05:48.960 --> 1:05:50.600 I know his mom used to get on him so 1:05:50.720 --> 1:05:53.600 much when we first got married because she's like, you 1:05:53.680 --> 1:05:56.000 just keep saying your wife all day, all day, say 1:05:56.040 --> 1:05:58.440 my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, Like just 1:05:58.480 --> 1:05:59.800 say Sheila, just. 1:06:01.280 --> 1:06:02.960 All my life to say life, right. 1:06:04.080 --> 1:06:06.280 I'm like, I really love that, though. I feel like 1:06:06.320 --> 1:06:10.000 that's half the battle because from my observation what I 1:06:10.040 --> 1:06:13.480 see on the internet nowadays, I don't know what's the 1:06:13.640 --> 1:06:15.080 batch of being going on. 1:06:15.160 --> 1:06:15.280 Now. 1:06:15.320 --> 1:06:16.439 I'm like, y'all, I hate women. 1:06:16.840 --> 1:06:19.439 That's why we need more men that are speaking out 1:06:19.480 --> 1:06:23.000 about loving wives and loving like married life, loving being 1:06:23.000 --> 1:06:23.440 a husband. 1:06:23.480 --> 1:06:25.480 Like I need more men to talk to their homeboys. 1:06:25.760 --> 1:06:28.280 Yeah, Like, please God, please help the men more. 1:06:28.600 --> 1:06:30.320 Maybe as just some men's truth. 1:06:31.960 --> 1:06:34.160 Love your wife again all the time, like can we 1:06:34.200 --> 1:06:36.960 get pow wow, y'all get together? Because like what's going on? 1:06:37.600 --> 1:06:41.320 Because I would say there are some really really powerful 1:06:41.640 --> 1:06:45.400 male voices on the internet again that are speaking really 1:06:45.440 --> 1:06:48.200 highly of women, and that is like I feel I've 1:06:48.280 --> 1:06:50.000 seen that over the last i'd say, like a few 1:06:50.440 --> 1:06:54.600 two years, and so I hope I'm hoping that the 1:06:54.640 --> 1:06:56.600 men are. I know a lot of women are listening 1:06:56.640 --> 1:06:58.680 to those men because I'm one of them. Like, yeah, 1:06:58.880 --> 1:07:01.800 because because I don't think the old men are listening 1:07:01.840 --> 1:07:02.240 to them. 1:07:02.360 --> 1:07:05.000 Yeah, because men talking shit about women all day on 1:07:05.000 --> 1:07:07.080 the internet. It's not the flex that you think it is, 1:07:07.120 --> 1:07:10.520 my g at all. It makes you look immature, weak 1:07:10.760 --> 1:07:13.200 and just like baby boy. 1:07:13.040 --> 1:07:16.400 You're disrespecting the source. Yeah, now everything is gonna be 1:07:16.400 --> 1:07:16.960 fucked up for you. 1:07:17.000 --> 1:07:19.200 I always say this, and it's not a popular opinion, 1:07:19.280 --> 1:07:21.040 but when you come, you. 1:07:21.000 --> 1:07:22.240 Don't just be with your homie. 1:07:22.360 --> 1:07:24.480 You don't want you come for the You come for 1:07:24.560 --> 1:07:27.640 the divine feminine In this lifetime, I feel like, because 1:07:27.680 --> 1:07:30.400 we're raising up and we're like remembering who we are, 1:07:31.200 --> 1:07:33.200 it's not gonna be good for you if you keep 1:07:33.240 --> 1:07:35.520 going in that round. Look what happened to Kevin Samon. 1:07:35.560 --> 1:07:40.560 I knew you were say on Mother's Day weekend? Yes, 1:07:40.600 --> 1:07:42.320 bit because I noticed it and I said, oh, look 1:07:42.320 --> 1:07:45.040 at the goddesses. They did not like that ship. You 1:07:45.080 --> 1:07:48.560 were a point he was cancerous. I don't even know 1:07:48.560 --> 1:07:50.040 if there was a character, but he was. He was 1:07:50.120 --> 1:07:52.480 doing no good. It's like those kind of people Andrew 1:07:52.600 --> 1:07:56.040 Taits or whatever the name is there are. I don't 1:07:56.080 --> 1:07:58.720 think that you this is the the error for you. 1:07:58.800 --> 1:08:02.440 My gis not going to thrive, not at all, clearly, 1:08:02.880 --> 1:08:04.400 not me saying that every time. 1:08:05.440 --> 1:08:08.160 Okay, before we get out of here, do you have 1:08:08.160 --> 1:08:08.840 a horror story? 1:08:09.040 --> 1:08:10.080 Yeah? 1:08:10.080 --> 1:08:13.200 Oh wait before the horse give affirmation and then tell 1:08:13.240 --> 1:08:14.480 us your horror story. 1:08:15.520 --> 1:08:19.680 I love what is it? I love and accept myself 1:08:19.920 --> 1:08:22.720 completely exactly as I am right now. 1:08:23.120 --> 1:08:26.679 I love and accept myself completely exactly as I am 1:08:26.920 --> 1:08:27.400 right now. 1:08:30.880 --> 1:08:32.120 And the what is it? 1:08:32.160 --> 1:08:32.679 A horror? 1:08:32.680 --> 1:08:36.200 A horror story like when you're a highly horrory your husband, 1:08:36.200 --> 1:08:39.160 it could be in your whole era whenever it's. 1:08:38.960 --> 1:08:41.360 Like thinking, I'm like, Dad, I need a good horror story. 1:08:40.960 --> 1:08:43.840 I'm a what did you say you was a monogamous 1:08:43.880 --> 1:08:44.799 monster or something? 1:08:44.840 --> 1:08:45.479 What was it? 1:08:47.000 --> 1:08:47.680 That's what I am. 1:08:47.720 --> 1:08:49.519 I'm like, I'm a monogamous monster. 1:08:51.479 --> 1:08:54.080 But I do have a story about a retreat actually. 1:08:58.840 --> 1:09:02.480 Horse story. 1:09:03.080 --> 1:09:05.759 When I was doing we were doing before we started 1:09:05.800 --> 1:09:07.840 doing retreats, we were doing day events, and so we 1:09:07.880 --> 1:09:10.720 had this day event. It was like one hundred black 1:09:10.760 --> 1:09:13.880 women in this beautiful chapel we rented out and they 1:09:13.960 --> 1:09:16.800 were doing yoga and all these things, and this lady 1:09:16.920 --> 1:09:19.240 just walks in and she's like, what is this? What 1:09:19.640 --> 1:09:22.599 are you doing here? This is amazing. She's like, in la, 1:09:23.080 --> 1:09:25.519 I don't see this many black women together or whatever 1:09:25.560 --> 1:09:27.880 she was saying. I was like, really okay, and so 1:09:27.920 --> 1:09:30.000 she's like, get my card. We got to work together. 1:09:30.120 --> 1:09:31.760 And so she was like, have you ever thought about 1:09:31.800 --> 1:09:36.200 doing retreats? I'm like that sounds cool, let's go. Okay. 1:09:36.400 --> 1:09:38.600 She's like, want to co produce one. I'm like absolutely. 1:09:39.120 --> 1:09:40.840 So she's like all right, I got the venue. There's 1:09:40.840 --> 1:09:44.280 this place to have a good connection with everything. I'm like, okay, great, 1:09:44.640 --> 1:09:46.320 and she's like, oh, but just so you know, it's 1:09:46.360 --> 1:09:50.439 clothing optional. I'm like, how that gold work. I'm like, 1:09:50.560 --> 1:09:52.559 let me think about that. I was like, that actually 1:09:52.600 --> 1:09:53.680 goes with the theme, like. 1:09:53.600 --> 1:09:55.479 Our retreats are definitely clothing optional. 1:09:55.640 --> 1:09:58.080 I was like, you know, women accepting themselves being safe, 1:09:58.200 --> 1:10:00.160 and since our retreats are just women, I'm like this 1:10:00.200 --> 1:10:04.439 could be great. All right, wonderful. I'm going down we're planning. 1:10:04.479 --> 1:10:08.280 We sold out the retreat and everything. And then Tasha 1:10:08.360 --> 1:10:09.960 is my collaboration, She's my best friend and she works 1:10:09.960 --> 1:10:12.400 at me too. She said, Sheila, this is not only 1:10:12.439 --> 1:10:16.040 clothing option, this is a swinger's resar. I was like, 1:10:16.080 --> 1:10:20.200 what excuse me? I got all these women coming here, 1:10:20.439 --> 1:10:22.760 and then I'm like, what if they're offended? Oh my god, 1:10:22.760 --> 1:10:23.559 are they gonna be safe? 1:10:23.560 --> 1:10:23.960 Oh my god. 1:10:24.000 --> 1:10:26.479 I was so worried about the group. It turned out 1:10:26.520 --> 1:10:34.280 to be it was Heito so where Yeah, And it 1:10:34.479 --> 1:10:37.360 actually was the best retreat I have ever done to 1:10:37.400 --> 1:10:37.760 this day. 1:10:37.760 --> 1:10:39.040 Wait, were there are other people there? 1:10:39.479 --> 1:10:42.479 Other? Yes, but we took over, like they took over 1:10:42.560 --> 1:10:46.679 the whole It was mainly us. There were and oh. 1:10:46.920 --> 1:10:49.880 At the same time, it actually was like divine for 1:10:49.960 --> 1:10:52.200 the girls because at the same time they had like 1:10:52.240 --> 1:10:56.640 some type of calendar competition thing that had like a 1:10:56.680 --> 1:10:58.920 bunch of single men and a bunch of single women 1:10:59.040 --> 1:11:02.080 like competing. So every night we like watch their show. 1:11:02.120 --> 1:11:03.960 And then there was a bunch of guys there. I 1:11:03.960 --> 1:11:06.120 don't know what went on because I was like the 1:11:06.160 --> 1:11:08.519 mom or the field trip leader. They don't tell me anything. 1:11:08.640 --> 1:11:11.679 You're just hanging out. 1:11:12.040 --> 1:11:14.080 The most fun thing that was happening. The first night, 1:11:14.080 --> 1:11:15.880 we were like, okay, so we're all going to the pool, 1:11:15.920 --> 1:11:18.200 like it's again. We want to be very mindful. I'm 1:11:18.320 --> 1:11:21.720 very very overprotective over women that come to retreat to 1:11:21.760 --> 1:11:23.519 me because I feel like that's a big deal. You 1:11:23.560 --> 1:11:24.920 know a lot of women are coming down their comfort 1:11:25.040 --> 1:11:27.760 zone and everything. So I said, we're just going over 1:11:27.840 --> 1:11:31.479 to visit the clothing optional size as a group if 1:11:31.520 --> 1:11:33.160 you want to come, Da da da, And like the 1:11:33.200 --> 1:11:36.400 whole the whole group, maybe only two people didn't go. 1:11:36.479 --> 1:11:37.559 They're like, well, we came this far. 1:11:37.720 --> 1:11:39.720 Share got back. 1:11:39.800 --> 1:11:44.160 Yeah, one hundred black women just naked, Like oh, like 1:11:44.240 --> 1:11:45.439 is that your c section scar? 1:11:46.240 --> 1:11:48.760 It was one hundred women YEAHO, And you didn't know. 1:11:48.760 --> 1:11:52.479 It was like I kind of underestimated. I thought it 1:11:52.520 --> 1:11:55.320 was just like like you can be on the beach 1:11:56.160 --> 1:11:58.960 clothing optional if you want, And then it was like, oh, 1:11:58.960 --> 1:12:01.720 it's a little bit more than that. But it was. 1:12:01.800 --> 1:12:04.439 It was such a fun retreat. It was so freeing. 1:12:04.760 --> 1:12:07.520 If I could do, I want to do more nude retreats. 1:12:07.560 --> 1:12:10.639 But I just feel like social media came a long 1:12:10.680 --> 1:12:13.840 way since then, and there's like everybody's recording all the time, 1:12:14.280 --> 1:12:16.080 even when you think you're not. Do you guys worry 1:12:16.080 --> 1:12:16.479 about that? 1:12:16.520 --> 1:12:17.200 We do know. 1:12:17.320 --> 1:12:21.639 Our retreats are typically at private places, like we take 1:12:21.640 --> 1:12:25.240 over the whole ship, so there's there's nobody there. 1:12:25.360 --> 1:12:28.160 But I mean we'll have We've had conversations like, hey, like, 1:12:28.520 --> 1:12:31.559 don't post anybody in any way that you wouldn't want 1:12:31.560 --> 1:12:33.679 to be posting, even if you would, like bitch, don't 1:12:33.680 --> 1:12:34.560 post anybody. 1:12:34.320 --> 1:12:37.000 Nick even that, just to be out of the guys 1:12:37.240 --> 1:12:40.840 like or under the gaze all the time and nobody's watching. 1:12:42.080 --> 1:12:44.360 Like it was. It was dope. I actually want to produce. 1:12:44.680 --> 1:12:47.360 If you produce nude retreats, I want to produce another one. 1:12:47.479 --> 1:12:49.160 Yeah, I mean, And the thing is we never we 1:12:49.320 --> 1:12:51.320 never advertise it that way, but when we get there, 1:12:51.360 --> 1:12:54.439 I'm like, and my titties will be out. 1:12:56.280 --> 1:12:58.400 We had like tontrare workshop and everything. 1:12:58.439 --> 1:13:02.240 It was so at the heat of treat retreat, I'm like, 1:13:02.640 --> 1:13:06.040 I want to go. We hired the dance tree, this 1:13:06.240 --> 1:13:07.280 plast Jamaica retreat. 1:13:07.320 --> 1:13:09.680 We hired to we have like sexy men greet the 1:13:09.680 --> 1:13:11.520 women with joints and drinks. 1:13:11.240 --> 1:13:15.479 So oiled up, you know, because what else. It's a 1:13:15.479 --> 1:13:16.240 good vibes thing. 1:13:17.080 --> 1:13:19.360 And these guys that we found, they're like, we can 1:13:19.360 --> 1:13:21.720 come back because we have some dance moves, because yeah, 1:13:21.720 --> 1:13:22.639 we do this, we're from Heato. 1:13:22.680 --> 1:13:24.200 I'm like, makes so much more sense. 1:13:24.240 --> 1:13:25.840 And the way they were dancing like. 1:13:29.600 --> 1:13:30.679 That was the actual move. 1:13:33.800 --> 1:13:35.560 God sits your ass. 1:13:35.320 --> 1:13:37.400 Down somewhere, but not. 1:13:37.680 --> 1:13:40.720 Yeah, I think people underestimate, Like I always say this, like, 1:13:40.840 --> 1:13:46.519 nudity is definitely a like being unclothed is always like 1:13:46.640 --> 1:13:50.240 a like I don't know how to say, like it 1:13:50.240 --> 1:13:53.960 it represents how naked you can get in like truly 1:13:54.080 --> 1:13:56.360 with yourself, how vulnerable you could be. Like we're so 1:13:56.439 --> 1:13:58.360 used to being clothed, we're so used to wearing avatars, 1:13:58.880 --> 1:14:01.680 like showing up a certain but you're naked, You're just 1:14:01.760 --> 1:14:02.240 out here. 1:14:02.360 --> 1:14:04.440 So it's like it does require. 1:14:04.080 --> 1:14:07.360 A certain amount of like it's healing, vulnerabile, it is healing, 1:14:07.360 --> 1:14:09.080 it's super he just in your skin. 1:14:09.120 --> 1:14:10.120 Just going skinny dipping. 1:14:10.160 --> 1:14:12.040 I mean, so many of the women in our I've 1:14:12.080 --> 1:14:15.040 seen like the evolution of their nudity throughout like the 1:14:15.080 --> 1:14:17.840 Seven Day Retreat where it's like okay, like she's like 1:14:17.920 --> 1:14:19.599 wearing a bathing suit for the first time. 1:14:20.320 --> 1:14:21.240 Okay, like she. 1:14:21.360 --> 1:14:24.360 Took her top off for five minutes and then like 1:14:24.439 --> 1:14:26.800 day three, okay, she's about as naked at the pool 1:14:27.520 --> 1:14:30.519 all right. Day four now she's working by the kitchen. 1:14:32.200 --> 1:14:34.800 Now she's eating a full meal nude. Okay, we've all 1:14:34.840 --> 1:14:37.400 we've like this the evolution and then like there's just 1:14:37.680 --> 1:14:38.120 it does it? 1:14:38.120 --> 1:14:40.920 There's like this freeing, this freeing. 1:14:41.120 --> 1:14:44.080 Have you lived? You have not lived unless to me 1:14:44.200 --> 1:14:47.719 you just been but booty naked eating some what's the fry? 1:14:47.800 --> 1:14:52.280 Don't make Jamaica festival? It is amazing. 1:14:52.320 --> 1:14:56.360 I recommend it was just naked eating the festival or 1:14:56.360 --> 1:14:57.120 it was our gasmic. 1:14:57.479 --> 1:14:58.440 It's amazing. 1:15:01.160 --> 1:15:02.040 Do we need to do a clap? 1:15:02.040 --> 1:15:05.840 I might have to go back to Heito, bitch. Really, 1:15:06.240 --> 1:15:08.280 I tried to buy a day pass. They don't have those, 1:15:08.400 --> 1:15:11.000 so no, I still haven't gone. So one of these 1:15:11.080 --> 1:15:13.040 days I'm going to Heato, even. 1:15:12.800 --> 1:15:15.120 Though I feel like it depends on who's there. Yeah, 1:15:15.120 --> 1:15:18.600 whoever's there makes the whole experience. 1:15:18.920 --> 1:15:20.880 If anyone has a heat a hook up, call me 1:15:21.360 --> 1:15:24.880 Mandy oh right right, right, of course she does hosts 1:15:24.920 --> 1:15:26.240 me all the hook. 1:15:26.880 --> 1:15:28.680 Out to Mandy b We love her, we do. 1:15:29.200 --> 1:15:30.519 Yeah. 1:15:30.720 --> 1:15:33.440 Okay, so where can we get your book. 1:15:34.479 --> 1:15:37.760 You can find my book everywhere books are sold. It's 1:15:37.840 --> 1:15:41.639 called Unruly And you can follow me on Instagram at 1:15:41.680 --> 1:15:44.879 the Sila Marie. I'm on TikTok at the Sila Marie 1:15:45.160 --> 1:15:46.799 and you can buy me a Sela Marie. 1:15:46.560 --> 1:15:50.599 Dot com beautiful. Yeah, thank you so much for coming 1:15:50.680 --> 1:15:52.519 to thank chat with us. 1:15:53.000 --> 1:15:55.400 And I hope you guys get some rest after tomorrow. 1:15:56.200 --> 1:15:58.280 Definitely will definitely it's a must. 1:15:58.560 --> 1:16:00.880 Okay, get some rest and you y'. 1:16:00.920 --> 1:16:02.519 And y'all know where to find us at Good Mom's 1:16:02.600 --> 1:16:06.080 Underscore Bad Choices on Instagram. Make sure you subscribe to 1:16:06.120 --> 1:16:08.240 our podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and if you 1:16:09.000 --> 1:16:11.400 are on YouTube, subscribe to our YouTube channel and check 1:16:11.400 --> 1:16:13.760 out our retreat, the Good Vibe Retreat. We have a 1:16:13.800 --> 1:16:15.120 couple's retreat coming up in June. 1:16:15.160 --> 1:16:16.600 We have a few spots left. So if you have 1:16:16.600 --> 1:16:18.920 a lover, whether it's a new. 1:16:18.840 --> 1:16:21.559 Relationship that you know you're trying to build the foundation, 1:16:21.600 --> 1:16:23.880 this is a beautiful place to really, you know, find 1:16:23.920 --> 1:16:27.439 your on your non negotiables, build your contracts with your lover, 1:16:27.640 --> 1:16:30.640 do sexy things, or maybe you're deep deep into your 1:16:30.640 --> 1:16:33.080 relationship and you need a little you spice it up, 1:16:33.120 --> 1:16:33.840 reignite it. 1:16:34.200 --> 1:16:36.639 Come join us in Costa Rica in June. 1:16:36.960 --> 1:16:38.479 And then if you're like I don't have a lover, 1:16:38.640 --> 1:16:40.200 I just got me and I need to work on me, 1:16:40.320 --> 1:16:43.120 then come to our women's retreat in Costa Rica in 1:16:43.240 --> 1:16:46.080 July and August. We have two dates and those retreats 1:16:46.080 --> 1:16:47.800 are almost sold out, so make sure you check it 1:16:47.800 --> 1:16:49.440 out at the Good Vibe Retreat. 1:16:50.400 --> 1:16:53.559 And I love you, love you, thank you for joining us. 1:16:54.000 --> 1:16:59.920 HI say, yeah, I'm living it so good, can't you sound? 1:17:00.280 --> 1:17:01.320 I went through a drought. 1:17:01.360 --> 1:17:03.320 That's until I found out, Well may my have been 1:17:03.360 --> 1:17:03.840 known earth. 1:17:03.960 --> 1:17:05.840 I used to be broke as hell, Now got the 1:17:05.880 --> 1:17:09.200 blues in incer like Beyonce Jasell throat shot or Pop 1:17:09.240 --> 1:17:11.840 in his car wearing our voices. Patriarch get kept it 1:17:11.880 --> 1:17:14.280 in the box to exploit its women put the pee 1:17:14.400 --> 1:17:16.920 in power. So it's pointingss. They want me to be good, 1:17:16.960 --> 1:17:18.479 So I made bad choices. 1:17:18.600 --> 1:17:19.160 Bad mom. 1:17:19.280 --> 1:17:21.720 Not a bad mom, but a bad mom. Fitter's in 1:17:21.880 --> 1:17:23.000 on thet Cannabis in. 1:17:23.040 --> 1:17:25.720 Their bathbone walked in bossus cap and I blew his 1:17:25.840 --> 1:17:27.000 cat ball hot dog. 1:17:27.120 --> 1:17:28.160 Now I'm immune to. 1:17:28.200 --> 1:17:30.640 The cat called Herbie and the waisted straight to it 1:17:30.800 --> 1:17:31.599 like a dollar sign. 1:17:31.680 --> 1:17:32.519 Mother, rent the number. 1:17:32.560 --> 1:17:34.559 When two, it looks like a water summer where you're 1:17:34.560 --> 1:17:36.800 rent the winter essential will when the summertime. 1:17:37.000 --> 1:17:38.720 I do what doll ain't know when I need to 1:17:38.840 --> 1:17:39.320 run it by