Speaker 1: Once upon a time there was a good old traditional housewife,
Speaker 1: and she couldn't. She cleaned and cared for her children
Speaker 1: and the man of the house, and of course she
Speaker 1: didn't talk back. She was both obeed, hint and soft
Speaker 1: by nature. She was a good woman who always made
Speaker 1: good choices.
Speaker 2: We're Good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 3: Two single mom who said fuck the patriarchy, shared all
Speaker 3: their bad choices and.
Speaker 2: Found out they were so bad after all.
Speaker 4: We're experts, overshares and your new besties.
Speaker 2: Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Speaker 4: I can do it. Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 3: I'm Erica and I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday, Happy Wednesday.
Speaker 4: Hose how you feeling.
Speaker 2: I feel tired, but I'm happy.
Speaker 3: I am also tired and happy. We have been moving
Speaker 3: and grooving very very much. We are in Atlanta. If
Speaker 3: you're on YouTube, you can see us. We are on
Speaker 3: a world tour and right now we're at iHeart Media
Speaker 3: had quarters in Atlanta. It's a little bit different than
Speaker 3: our home office. Shout out to Black Effects.
Speaker 4: Shout out to.
Speaker 3: Black Effect for taking care of their girls. We just
Speaker 3: got back from Jamaica and now we're in Atlanta. And
Speaker 3: then we're gonna be in Charlotte and then we're gonna
Speaker 3: sit the fuck down.
Speaker 4: Amen.
Speaker 3: But today we're joined by a very very special guest
Speaker 3: that we had to link up with because we've been
Speaker 3: manifesting this interview for a very long time, and finally
Speaker 3: we're on the same.
Speaker 4: Side of the world. And so even though.
Speaker 3: We may or may not have gotten shit faced drunk
Speaker 3: last night, and I may or may not have maybe
Speaker 3: put a little bit of money.
Speaker 2: For your speak for yourself a little to have.
Speaker 4: A Mollie, we're here and everything is fine.
Speaker 2: I did Molly.
Speaker 4: I didn't either.
Speaker 2: I had no drinks.
Speaker 4: I said you had drinks and.
Speaker 2: I was an angel christ.
Speaker 3: I even I haven't been last night. We were laughing
Speaker 3: so hard that a woman knocked on the hotel to or.
Speaker 2: Like shut the fuck up.
Speaker 3: I was like, am I thirteen and I haven't been
Speaker 3: in trouble and like a long time in a hotel
Speaker 3: and I was like that miserable bitch she heard laughter four,
Speaker 3: I am, what a fucking miserable bitch.
Speaker 4: Sorry, lady, that wasn't nice anyway. Sorry.
Speaker 3: We are here and we're joined by a very special guest,
Speaker 3: author wellness entrepreneur, Thank you founder, bad bitch, Sheila Marie Hi, Hi,
Speaker 3: welcome to the show, My love Well, thank you for
Speaker 3: having me, of course, and I forgot to add retreat
Speaker 3: leader of course, a fellow retreat retreat leader.
Speaker 5: Yes, I'm so happy to have you. I know, yes,
Speaker 5: it's been a long time coming. And I love your videos.
Speaker 5: I'm always watching your content. I had a friend last night.
Speaker 5: I was telling her she was coming on the show.
Speaker 5: She's like, oh my god, I fucking love her. I
Speaker 5: love how she her brain works. She just sees stuff
Speaker 5: and then she ties everything together.
Speaker 2: And then she posted immediately.
Speaker 5: And I was like, wow, she posted a meeting because
Speaker 5: she's following her.
Speaker 2: And then I went and looked and I said, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's true. She's very smart.
Speaker 3: She does postings quickly, I said, I said, up my
Speaker 3: videos for years, and I'm like god, the moment she.
Speaker 5: Had commented on white Lotus, I was like, damn, I
Speaker 5: had a lot of opinions on white Lotus.
Speaker 2: Why don't I do a video like that?
Speaker 6: So much though it's just so much all the time
Speaker 6: to make content, but yeah, white Lotus.
Speaker 2: She tried it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, those little bitches, which bitches were the little Friend Group,
Speaker 5: Those those three, those three older ladies.
Speaker 4: I really liked the like it was slow moving this season.
Speaker 3: But there was like like dynamics that were really like
Speaker 3: developed of her a slow period payoff.
Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely that.
Speaker 3: I was really I enjoyed each of the dynamics, Like
Speaker 3: the three women that are aging, they still are like
Speaker 3: obviously in high school.
Speaker 4: You like we never really grow up them, Like they
Speaker 4: hate you, sister, they don't like you, the short haired one, right, Yeah, they.
Speaker 6: Did all hate each other.
Speaker 2: They kind of all hated them.
Speaker 6: Petition Yeah, yeah, weird, And I was definitely giving high school.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to age and be
Speaker 4: a bitch.
Speaker 5: I just felt like it was so that dynamic specifically
Speaker 5: really intrigued me because I felt like it was the
Speaker 5: truest anything storyline that was happening, because I really see
Speaker 5: that dynamic with women now because women, I don't I
Speaker 5: don't even think it's not even a white woman thing.
Speaker 5: I think it's just a woman thing. And watching those
Speaker 5: women as they're like they're older women too, and seeing
Speaker 5: how they've like continued to just push.
Speaker 2: Things under and under and under and under. It was
Speaker 2: It was cool.
Speaker 6: It was very nice, nasty all of the all of
Speaker 6: the stuff that they wanted to say. They just cloaked
Speaker 6: in and like, oh, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Speaker 6: Oh no, Because like if we're on a trip and
Speaker 6: you're egging me on to have sex with this massage guy,
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 4: What, and then you secretly fuck him and.
Speaker 6: Then you end up doing it, that is fucked up.
Speaker 4: That's it's just weird. She was right.
Speaker 5: I was with her, that actress, the one who was
Speaker 5: the famous actress. Yeah, I could not stand her, could not,
Speaker 5: but you.
Speaker 4: Know what she embodied. I just wonder to be happy
Speaker 4: she embodied that role really well.
Speaker 3: She really gave I'm a rich white woman actress that's
Speaker 3: kind of insecure really well.
Speaker 6: Do you know Mike White, the writer and the director
Speaker 6: of White Lotus, he got their idea for that triad
Speaker 6: from being at lunch or something and overhearing three women
Speaker 6: and he was like, I that's because everybody's like, how
Speaker 6: did you write them? So well, Like, I don't know
Speaker 6: about you, but I'm like, that is a very honest
Speaker 6: friend dynamic. He was like, yep, there was these three
Speaker 6: ladies at lunch and he just started writing.
Speaker 3: And you know, I think it's also intriguing because I
Speaker 3: don't know how you are. But like, and I'm very young,
Speaker 3: I'm twenty seven, but we're at an age where, you know,
Speaker 3: we're picking at forty and like, you know, the aging
Speaker 3: is coming up, and like I'm seeing it on myself
Speaker 3: and like even because we do this work and I
Speaker 3: can literally see me seven years ago on video. Now,
Speaker 3: it's like we're approaching this place where like we're aging,
Speaker 3: we're moving into for it like part.
Speaker 4: Of our life.
Speaker 3: And I think like society, I think it's really becoming
Speaker 3: clear that society does not embrace like the the natural
Speaker 3: aging of women, you know, not at all at all.
Speaker 3: And even at the club, like these these are people
Speaker 3: are young? How old am I?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 3: So it's like it's like still clinging for that fun,
Speaker 3: for that play, for that like whole life. But like
Speaker 3: secretly you know, so it was it was.
Speaker 5: And then still not having the tools, so still acting
Speaker 5: like a child and still acting like a teenager and
Speaker 5: still like operating in that it's in that space because
Speaker 5: you haven't with an older physique. It's crazy, right, right, Yeah.
Speaker 6: Some people don't grow up, they just age.
Speaker 4: Yeah, most people don't grow up, they just you're just older.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I really I did enjoy that. You know, during
Speaker 3: the show. I am one of those people who like,
Speaker 3: when I'm watching the show and I like it, I'm like,
Speaker 3: who wrote white Lotus? I'm like, oh, Mike White, Okay, interesting?
Speaker 6: You know he knows how to write wealthy white people. Yes,
Speaker 6: Like that's his lane.
Speaker 4: Those are his people.
Speaker 6: People are like, who I want to diversify white Lotus.
Speaker 6: I'm like, no, no, where it is. Leave it where.
Speaker 6: That's why we like it. Just leave it just like
Speaker 6: that from.
Speaker 3: Two people who grew up in a lot of white spaces,
Speaker 3: a lot of rich white people.
Speaker 4: I'm like, Mike hit this ship.
Speaker 2: On the fucking real. He really did.
Speaker 4: I don't know about the brothers jacking each other off, I.
Speaker 2: Don't know that was that was crazy.
Speaker 6: I'm not sure if that was earned. Like by the
Speaker 6: end of it, I was kind of like, did we
Speaker 6: need that?
Speaker 2: I think the acting was top tier.
Speaker 5: That's story line, and specifically I had higher hopes for
Speaker 5: because I really needed the sun to die, Like why
Speaker 5: did you come back?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 4: You wanted somebody locky locky?
Speaker 5: Yeah, like when he when he thought when he drank
Speaker 5: that smoothie.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Sorry for those who haven't watched this. Oh yeah, my bad,
Speaker 2: But yeah, he needed to die.
Speaker 4: I was like, what if I could come back?
Speaker 6: I kind of secretly wanted the whole family to just
Speaker 6: drink those smoothies.
Speaker 2: Why didn't they all drink the smoothie?
Speaker 6: I know that sounds morbid, but the way that they
Speaker 6: were leading up giving all those flash right over, I
Speaker 6: was like, they all need.
Speaker 2: To you know what.
Speaker 5: Maybe they didn't go because it was actually going to
Speaker 5: be worse for them to live. Yes, I think it
Speaker 5: was actually going to be worse, especially for that wife.
Speaker 3: Great, but you don't want to live here in China?
Speaker 4: Yeah, you don't want to live here in China.
Speaker 2: I would rather die.
Speaker 6: Proposy she love. She did so good in that role. Yeah,
Speaker 6: I think her fate being alive and not rich is
Speaker 6: worse than death.
Speaker 3: I thought it was interesting how he finally broke the
Speaker 3: news to He was just like, things are gonna change,
Speaker 3: that poor man.
Speaker 2: Every time he got on camera, I was my butt
Speaker 2: checks were clenched for him.
Speaker 4: He stressed, well, had.
Speaker 6: I'm like easy going to jail or mine?
Speaker 2: I was like, man, like, want you.
Speaker 4: To stay where you're at? You everybody might as well stay.
Speaker 2: And then Arnold Schwarzenegger's son killed it too.
Speaker 6: Can you believe that was Arnold's son?
Speaker 4: Wait?
Speaker 6: Old?
Speaker 2: Do she son?
Speaker 6: You?
Speaker 2: Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger's son and he looks just like
Speaker 2: Maria Strivers. I didn't know that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know why because privileged he look you knows
Speaker 5: exactly how that works.
Speaker 3: I knew twelve of him in high school. I knew
Speaker 3: I know a nigga just like that.
Speaker 6: There's a video of him finding out that he got
Speaker 6: cast in white lotus and he's literally at like it
Speaker 6: looks like a white lotus. He's yeah, I'm like, he's
Speaker 6: this is really he's ringing his life. He played a
Speaker 6: little too good to the point where I was like,
Speaker 6: you be into that weird shit? I know because that
Speaker 6: whole the whole scene with his brother, and I was like,
Speaker 6: this is a little tigavincing here.
Speaker 4: I'm like, is this what the whites are doing on vacation?
Speaker 4: Oh my my god.
Speaker 5: But when I when I was watching your clip about
Speaker 5: specifically those those that friend dynamic, it struck me a
Speaker 5: lot because this is something we talk about too, even
Speaker 5: when we have retreats. It's like women coming and they
Speaker 5: want to bring their friends because they like feel like
Speaker 5: they need the safety. But then their friends come and
Speaker 5: then they hold them to this standard, and then they're
Speaker 5: not allowed to kind of just like unravel and be
Speaker 5: who they want to be because they're trying to like
Speaker 5: put up this persona of whoever the fuck their friend
Speaker 5: thinks they're supposed to be. And you said something in
Speaker 5: the clip about I think it was like quality quantity
Speaker 5: doesn't equal quality, Like just because the amount of time
Speaker 5: you've known someone doesn't mean that they are a quality
Speaker 5: friend to you. And I think a lot of women
Speaker 5: specifically like rule their relationships that way. They're like, but
Speaker 5: I've known her forever, Like she's a stupid bitch, but.
Speaker 6: But she knows me since kindergarten.
Speaker 5: It's fine because I've known her forever, even though she's
Speaker 5: killing my soul. And every time I'm with her, I'm
Speaker 5: exhausted and I leave and I feel horrible about myself.
Speaker 6: Maybe that's a slow death, to have to constantly explain
Speaker 6: yourself to someone over over and over and again who's
Speaker 6: committed to misunderstanding you over and over again, invalidating your opinions. Like, honestly,
Speaker 6: I think that there's the way we build friendships is
Speaker 6: like that pyramid.
Speaker 4: Remember, like the food pyramid.
Speaker 6: It's like the food pyramid, and it's like at the
Speaker 6: bottom you have you have the most people, but at
Speaker 6: the top you have the fewest people. But that's like
Speaker 6: the densest area. And usually we just put them in.
Speaker 6: All right, my family, because you're my family, right, you'll
Speaker 6: be a good friend to me. And I can tell
Speaker 6: you everything. And people that I went to high school
Speaker 6: and middle school with, and just because they have a
Speaker 6: long time that they've spent in your life doesn't mean
Speaker 6: that they have shared beliefs, shared values, even shared experiences.
Speaker 6: I know me, I've went through. I'm still friends with
Speaker 6: girls that I knew since high school, and we have
Speaker 6: very different lives. There's things that we can airsect down
Speaker 6: and not and I just feel like it's really important.
Speaker 6: It's hard for women to do this though. I don't
Speaker 6: know about you, but there's a lot of stigma around
Speaker 6: having friends for a long time, right, Like and some
Speaker 6: people like, oh, I don't want to outgrow my friends,
Speaker 6: and then you get new friends and they don't know you,
Speaker 6: and your new friends beef with your old friends, and
Speaker 6: then to me, I just feel that that scene with
Speaker 6: those women indicated was like it was sad. I felt that.
Speaker 6: When I went on Twitter after the scene, I saw
Speaker 6: like a lot of women were like, Ooh, it was
Speaker 6: so empowering. I love the scene.
Speaker 5: I was not empowering at all. I was so depressed
Speaker 5: watching that talking about at the end of the trip
Speaker 5: where like they're leaving and she was just like, you know,
Speaker 5: I'm just happy to be at the table. She's like
Speaker 5: happy to be at the table with these bitches. That
Speaker 5: all about that sad because she just felt so slow
Speaker 5: in her life that this was like the bare minimum
Speaker 5: that she felt like she was cold could get.
Speaker 3: I know, I think too, I think, like you said,
Speaker 3: the stigma of having friends for a long time. I
Speaker 3: think people underestimate how much you can actually not shift
Speaker 3: and change and grow when you hold on too friendships
Speaker 3: that have you've had for so.
Speaker 2: Long, and then you wonder why, like why I can't
Speaker 2: grow stuck?
Speaker 3: Why because they see you the same as you were
Speaker 3: ten years ago or fifteen years ago, and they're not
Speaker 3: giving you the opportunity to grow because in their mind,
Speaker 3: you're that person. Even if you're like I'm not this
Speaker 3: person anymore, They're like, I'm comfortable with you as this
Speaker 3: version of yourself.
Speaker 6: That has happened so often to me. Absolutely, because I
Speaker 6: feel like probably you guys too, because you guys really
Speaker 6: live in your personality and I feel like watching you all,
Speaker 6: you're constantly developing new parts of yourself. You're exploring things,
Speaker 6: you're disagreeing with yourself back then you're reevaluating. And when
Speaker 6: you're doing that, you're gonna shift your values a lot,
Speaker 6: and that might set people who are not doing that.
Speaker 6: That might make someone uncomfortable.
Speaker 4: They don't know.
Speaker 6: My therapist reminded me that like the person that you
Speaker 6: were when you created that dynamic, unless too people agreed
Speaker 6: to work on that dynamic, they expect that same performance
Speaker 6: out of you. Those elements are gonna come out of you.
Speaker 6: So if I was like that shy, scared, reserved Shila
Speaker 6: and we're still we're in our thirties, that Sila still
Speaker 6: comes alive when I'm around you.
Speaker 3: So when you act up, are you taking up space?
Speaker 3: They're like, Oh, look at Sheila. She's like takes she
Speaker 3: wants so much attention.
Speaker 4: Or whatever it is.
Speaker 3: I've had so many friends, I'm a pretty like I've
Speaker 3: been had friends tell me like you and dating, like
Speaker 3: don't be so honest.
Speaker 4: Like chill out likely.
Speaker 3: I was like, so lie and then six months in
Speaker 3: and be a different bitch that's gonna be deceiving.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: And like I'm like the advice, even even the advice
Speaker 3: people give you based on the version of them, a
Speaker 3: version of you that they think that they know. I
Speaker 3: feel like even in this space and this friendship, because
Speaker 3: we committed to growth, you know, like we're committed to
Speaker 3: honesty and growth asolutely. There were always we're always reassessing
Speaker 3: rel like you know, reevaluating. But I think this friendship
Speaker 3: has been super like not like validating and fulfilling because
Speaker 3: it allows me to grow, you know what I mean,
Speaker 3: Like we're not stuck. And I think a lot of
Speaker 3: friends have a hard a lot of women have a
Speaker 3: hard time finding and making and being consistent with friendships
Speaker 3: in their adulthood. It's more comfortable to be friends with
Speaker 3: the bitch you know since second grade because she's going
Speaker 3: to show up, she's going to go to the mall.
Speaker 7: She knows.
Speaker 2: You don't have to explain yourself.
Speaker 3: Because a lot of people are not comfortable with meeting
Speaker 3: the girl in the bathroom and actually, like exchanging numbers
Speaker 3: and like, heyyl already doing today because that's awkward, but
Speaker 3: like you have to make new friends when there's new
Speaker 3: versions of yourself because that's how you grow. Ultimately, I
Speaker 3: feel like I feel like if I would have stayed close,
Speaker 3: like I think in this friendship, I mindfully took a
Speaker 3: step back from other friendships because things were happening in
Speaker 3: my life and also like that's how the god played out.
Speaker 3: But also had that not happened, I don't know if
Speaker 3: I would have arrived here because I was I was
Speaker 3: playing out the projection of how you think that I'm
Speaker 3: going to be and who I am, and I needed
Speaker 3: space to like figure it out and then have a
Speaker 3: support system that said.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I like that too, that's cool, that sounds
Speaker 4: good exactly, I think too.
Speaker 5: Like there's also once you decide to take the path
Speaker 5: of I'm going to evolve and I'm going to start
Speaker 5: attracting the people that are meeting me where I'm at,
Speaker 5: the people that are no longer meeting you where you're at,
Speaker 5: Like you have very at least for me, there's like
Speaker 5: a lower tolerance.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a lower tolerance.
Speaker 4: There's a lower.
Speaker 5: Patience and I've personally had to work on that too,
Speaker 5: and like find like the patients with them, like if
Speaker 5: I'm going to keep them in my life because there's
Speaker 5: a few people I'm like still trying to like drag
Speaker 5: them up with me, but when they specifically there's one person,
Speaker 5: like when they're talking to me about the same shit
Speaker 5: over and over again, and I'm like, Yo, you've been
Speaker 5: talking about this shit for ten years.
Speaker 6: You know what you're doing.
Speaker 2: And I'm like trying. I'm like trying to also lead
Speaker 2: by example.
Speaker 5: Not that I'm perfect, but I'm like, yo, look how
Speaker 5: far I've come because I said I'm going to do
Speaker 5: something different, Like I don't know, Look how Look at
Speaker 5: the people in my life that have also agreed to
Speaker 5: do that work too, and look where they are at.
Speaker 2: Look where you're at, Like why are you holding onto this?
Speaker 2: Like why?
Speaker 5: And so it's hard for me to then want to
Speaker 5: always like to be around them.
Speaker 2: It's it's really hard for me.
Speaker 5: And then I feel guilty because like it's not that
Speaker 5: they're bad, that this is a person is a bad person.
Speaker 5: I love them, but but it's just like my spirit,
Speaker 5: my energy like is like we can't engage.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's hard to enet yeah, because.
Speaker 6: They're you're gonna they're asking you subconsciously to lie for them. Yeah,
Speaker 6: and it's like it's hard for you.
Speaker 5: Right, And then every time I'm and then and then
Speaker 5: I become the friend that's like, oh God, I can't
Speaker 5: talk to Erica because she's.
Speaker 2: Going to tell me her opinion. And I'm like, well, nigga, yeah,
Speaker 2: because I've heard it a thousand and none are you?
Speaker 6: Are you viage?
Speaker 2: I've also sat and listened and that was very draining.
Speaker 5: And also, attention people, I just want to bring you
Speaker 5: to your attention people. Okay, if you're someone who has
Speaker 5: been going through a hard time or like seems to
Speaker 5: always have something going on, you know, you know if
Speaker 5: you are I think people generally know that they are
Speaker 5: ask for permission before dumping on people, like just say like,
Speaker 5: even if you're not that person, I know I even
Speaker 5: have to do that because.
Speaker 4: The people who are that person don't know that.
Speaker 5: You have the do you have the emotional capacity? Do
Speaker 5: you have space for this conversation right now?
Speaker 4: Can event right now?
Speaker 2: Don't just hop on the call and be like girl,
Speaker 2: like I'm like, hey, what are you doing? Just got
Speaker 2: out of a massage.
Speaker 5: Oh for real, listen, I'm like, God damn, Like, ask
Speaker 5: for permission because sometimes, like it's a lot, especially as
Speaker 5: I've entered deeper into this work, and I feel like
Speaker 5: my energy feels have opened up so much more. I'm
Speaker 5: I used to not really look at myself as an EmPATH.
Speaker 5: I was like I I like because I viewed mpaths
Speaker 5: as just like they would cry on the drop of
Speaker 5: a dime, or like they just wanted every like they
Speaker 5: were just everyone is a gun name, and I'm not
Speaker 5: that type of person. I'm like, oh, yeah, see that's cool.
Speaker 5: Like I'm a little selected with how I share my energy.
Speaker 5: But as I've grown more into this space and healing myself,
Speaker 5: like I realize that I can take on a lot
Speaker 5: of people's energies and it's very exhausting for me, like
Speaker 5: my social battery shit. Like, as I've gotten older, I
Speaker 5: can't operate the same way that I used to do.
Speaker 2: I just can't. Nope.
Speaker 5: And so like when someone comes to you and calls
Speaker 5: you and starts dumping shit on you, like you please
Speaker 5: ask for permission. Just ask, even if you're if you
Speaker 5: think you're not that person, I guarantee you someone in your.
Speaker 3: Life is like, oh God, here she comes, especially in
Speaker 3: this day and age where like I feel like there's
Speaker 3: already so much going on.
Speaker 6: That's like we're overstressed.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're so overstretched, so overstimulated, so overinformed. Like I
Speaker 3: never even thought to say overinformed. No, but like I
Speaker 3: don't need to hear about every fucking tragedy worldwide on
Speaker 3: the internet. Like I'm overstimulated, and I think it's and
Speaker 3: we're paranoid because we're getting fed so much shit. So
Speaker 3: I'm just like, how how am I supposed to then
Speaker 3: all take on your ship like it's it's it's a lot.
Speaker 3: It's a lot to be a mom, it's a lot
Speaker 3: to be like to work, it's a lot. Like it's
Speaker 3: a lot to be paying bills, it's a lot to
Speaker 3: be a fucking adult. And I think as women were
Speaker 3: all like naturally in path and we're naturally going to
Speaker 3: be nurturing and so when someone tells you something, you're
Speaker 3: going to be present in hearing it. And maybe that's
Speaker 3: just our fucking water sign asses too, Like I know
Speaker 3: I'm very sensitive, so like, yeah, there be times I
Speaker 3: will straight up not answer her phone call because I do.
Speaker 5: I already know what this happened. You're calling me at
Speaker 5: past nine pm. It's going now.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I don't have the capacity. Sorry.
Speaker 3: Even my mom used to be that type of person,
Speaker 3: like every time she would call, she's talking shit about
Speaker 3: my dad. And there came a point where I was like, girl,
Speaker 3: I can't hear it.
Speaker 4: I grew, I lived with.
Speaker 6: You, you picked him for me, and now you want me
Speaker 6: to let him like eighteen years, you know.
Speaker 3: And she's kind of like, I think become more aware
Speaker 3: of it. And because I did, I took some steps back, really,
Speaker 3: and now we're in a better place because I just
Speaker 3: think she's more She was like, sorry, I didn't mean to.
Speaker 4: Like go, you know, I just needed to talk to someone.
Speaker 4: I'm like, yeah, but.
Speaker 3: I think people think it's mean to set boundaries that way,
Speaker 3: or you're not there for your friend, but it's like,
Speaker 3: are you there for yourself?
Speaker 2: I think it's also me too, though.
Speaker 5: I have to be better too about setting the boundary
Speaker 5: early on the conversation, Like when I hear someone start
Speaker 5: about to unload.
Speaker 2: Be like, hey, thank you, thank you for sharing.
Speaker 5: I right now, I just don't have the capacity to
Speaker 5: take on this conversation.
Speaker 2: I love you.
Speaker 5: I would really love to be present for you in
Speaker 5: this conversation, but I can't re now.
Speaker 4: I'm not good at that. I feel like a bitch.
Speaker 5: I'm working on it, I know, but I feel like,
Speaker 5: but if they can't accept that, like, then there's already
Speaker 5: like a boundary and respect issue happening. And I think that, like,
Speaker 5: I don't know, I feel like, I think when you
Speaker 5: do that for it, when you actually start, when I
Speaker 5: start finally doing this to my friend starting tomorrow. But
Speaker 5: also I think that like perhaps it actually helps them too.
Speaker 5: It helps you realize, yeah, to become more cognizant of
Speaker 5: like how much they're also like speaking out these words
Speaker 5: and creating the madness in their life because words are spells,
Speaker 5: and we all know, like the more you talk about it,
Speaker 5: the more you're talking, talking, talking, Yeah, you're feeding the flame.
Speaker 4: I also know. Okay, it was the last on these people.
Speaker 3: Those type of people rarely say how are you, Yeah, girl.
Speaker 4: What's going on with your life?
Speaker 3: I think has we like when you can hold it together,
Speaker 3: you appear well, everything seems fine, and you're like mostly
Speaker 3: positive and optimistic.
Speaker 4: People think she is space and time to hear my shit. No, nigga,
Speaker 4: I do not. I have some shit going on to today.
Speaker 3: Whether you have asked or fucking inquired my nigga, I'm
Speaker 3: feeling away. I'm not you know whatever, But like I
Speaker 3: feel like those people rarely do that. And that's where
Speaker 3: I started to realize, Like, nigga, you don't even call
Speaker 3: and check on me, but you have time and space
Speaker 3: and energy to dump on me. I can definitely ignore
Speaker 3: this phone call. Like even whiny ask people like, bitch,
Speaker 3: shut up, stop fucking whining.
Speaker 4: I have a child. I do not need to hear
Speaker 4: your adult line.
Speaker 6: A Posts said, like you've ever been talking to somebody
Speaker 6: about their problems and then realize me way they like
Speaker 6: their problems. Yeah, like this problem isn't going anywhere.
Speaker 2: She's you actually love this?
Speaker 6: You love this? Yeah, And so then I'm like that's
Speaker 6: when I'm like, oh, this is my sign to exits.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 6: Well, I might engage to a degree, but then at
Speaker 6: a certain point, it's like, like you said, it's just
Speaker 6: going on a merry go around engaging in enabling that
Speaker 6: same behavior.
Speaker 4: We're not doing that.
Speaker 3: What are some ways that you've made adult like friends
Speaker 3: in your adulthood?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 6: Friends, I feel that that was the hardest thing for
Speaker 6: me to write about in my book. Everything else, I
Speaker 6: feel like came really naturally. And then I said, why
Speaker 6: am I having so much trouble writing a chapter about
Speaker 6: female companionship as adults? And I'm like, okay, well, number one.
Speaker 6: From my perspective, we are taught to center men from
Speaker 6: a very young age, and we are taught how to
Speaker 6: socialize with men, how to impress them, how to appease them.
Speaker 6: We learned so much much information. We're trained on how
Speaker 6: to be a white from you from when you're young.
Speaker 4: They'll little kitchen.
Speaker 6: Yeah, with that little kitchen, the little place set all
Speaker 6: that you're taking care of your babies. But I don't
Speaker 6: necessarily think we have as much framework around how to
Speaker 6: be a friend to other women, because that requires you
Speaker 6: centering women in a certain way that might a lot
Speaker 6: of women might not be familiar with. Right. And so
Speaker 6: for me, the way that I make friends as an
Speaker 6: adult is I align on specificity so very and I
Speaker 6: keep it small what I use, so I'm aries and
Speaker 6: I'm a very honest person, like we were talking about,
Speaker 6: and I felt like, for a long time, if you're
Speaker 6: a friend and you're close to me, that means I
Speaker 6: have to tell you everything. Like that's just that was
Speaker 6: just my way of connecting, like you got to know
Speaker 6: everything about me. And then I realized number one, girl,
Speaker 6: you're fuck I was that one overwhelming people. Fine, yeah,
Speaker 6: because you got you a busy bitch like you, Like
Speaker 6: I have just a lot of things going on. So
Speaker 6: it's like, okay, like you know, I'll be outside. I
Speaker 6: be like I saw a bird and I swim it
Speaker 6: was my grandmother and then let me tell you why,
Speaker 6: and yeah.
Speaker 5: Let me tell you why because it was blue and
Speaker 5: my grandmother had a blue brooch that she used to wear.
Speaker 6: So I'm cooking dinner, okay to me, I just took
Speaker 6: that approach where it's just this full on approach. If
Speaker 6: you're a friend, it's everything You're invited to every event.
Speaker 6: I share everything with you. Now, I take a very
Speaker 6: catered approach. So I have my my spiritual girls. Those
Speaker 6: are the girls I'm gonna tell about the bird right
Speaker 6: because she's gonna go me too. Oh my god.
Speaker 4: I let me look at animal spottings, the metal physical.
Speaker 6: We're gonna love that. And then like, because I'm a
Speaker 6: I'm a film head, I'm a Centinophile. I love film
Speaker 6: and TV. I have girls that I just go. All
Speaker 6: we do is go see scared movies together like that.
Speaker 6: I love horror, that's my thing, and right, I just
Speaker 6: love the genre. No no, no, and so like I'll
Speaker 6: go there do that with her other friends who are
Speaker 6: just like our artistic friends. She like to make stuff
Speaker 6: with her hands. Oh girl, let's do pottery. And that's
Speaker 6: all it has to be. It has to be a
Speaker 6: simple touch point. We go do something, we have a
Speaker 6: shared experience where it creates new memories. Because a lot
Speaker 6: of times when you're older, when you get in your
Speaker 6: I'm forty, so I feel like when you get in
Speaker 6: your late thirties and forties, you kind of can get
Speaker 6: in the trap of not making new memories that you're
Speaker 6: just catching up. Like every time you see each other,
Speaker 6: you're just rehashing remember this, remember.
Speaker 2: That there's no new content.
Speaker 6: So I'm very mindful to create new memories. And they
Speaker 6: don't have to be big memories. Me my social battery
Speaker 6: can run out very fast. So I know me all right,
Speaker 6: this person's that's my artistic girl. We're gonna do pottery.
Speaker 6: We're gonna maybe have a little bite to eat after that,
Speaker 6: and that's gonna be. That doesn't have to be this
Speaker 6: all encompassing thing.
Speaker 4: You don't have to go on vacation.
Speaker 6: You can see I got my girls, but I can't
Speaker 6: go on vacation.
Speaker 4: I just make any friends. Like, you want to go,
Speaker 4: you want to go here, you want to go.
Speaker 2: She had to learn her vacation lessons.
Speaker 4: This very really Yeah.
Speaker 6: You remind me of one of my best friends so much. Tasha.
Speaker 6: She's in La too, Issha. She makes friends with everybody.
Speaker 6: She's such she's like the perfect villager. Like when I
Speaker 6: think about being in community, that's Tasha. She'll peek you
Speaker 6: up from the airport. I'll bring it over, no problem.
Speaker 6: I was out this fabric store. Didn't you need this fabric? Like?
Speaker 6: She's so thoughtful and just open minded like that. I'm
Speaker 6: a little bit more I am.
Speaker 3: I'm open. I'm very open. I hugged a girl in
Speaker 3: the club last night and she cried, I.
Speaker 5: Know, wait, Orlando comes to me. I'm like, where's you, Mela.
Speaker 5: She's like, oh, she's therapizing someone in the corner. I
Speaker 5: was like, what are you talking about. I don't know
Speaker 5: if she's really tall, Jamla's really small. She's like, has
Speaker 5: her hands, she's like groping. She's like she's like Jamila
Speaker 5: is holding her head like this, and I don't even
Speaker 5: know what I've ever heard tantraing her. I'm okay, well
Speaker 5: i'll see her in about twenty minutes.
Speaker 4: I did, and she was like, thank you. I really
Speaker 4: needed to hear this. I was like, whatever you're going through, girl,
Speaker 4: let it go special.
Speaker 3: I was like, you'd already know. I was kind even
Speaker 3: know what you're going through. It's overheard you. I was like,
Speaker 3: let him go. Let it go if you don't feel
Speaker 3: good about it, if it doesn't feel irrespectful, if it
Speaker 3: doesn't feel like literally, I'm telling you this as a
Speaker 3: sign as soon as you move out of the situation,
Speaker 3: you're going to do better.
Speaker 4: And we're friends on.
Speaker 3: Instagram now, Indigo shout out to Indigo, but you you
Speaker 3: know what I feel like too, And tell me if
Speaker 3: this resonates with you, because I know that I've liked
Speaker 3: you know, had to love research. You were talking about
Speaker 3: the mother wound and I think I'm realizing this right now,
Speaker 3: like in this year that because I don't have a
Speaker 3: problem making like female friends, but I think that I
Speaker 3: realize like in my closest friendships, there are certain things
Speaker 3: that are triggers for me, and I recognize now that,
Speaker 3: like even my I think my attraction to women is
Speaker 3: that like me and growing up with my mom, we
Speaker 3: weren't super super close like I saw my friends be,
Speaker 3: and so I gravitated to women. And I've had like
Speaker 3: codependent relationships with some of my best friends, like literally
Speaker 3: just at each other's house for five days straight and
Speaker 3: shit us. Yeah, and also recognizing when there's certain triggers
Speaker 3: that come up, like my mom was relentless for my
Speaker 3: dad for one hundred million years until literally last week.
Speaker 3: So when I see in like my female friendships, I
Speaker 3: feel when I see women like make men the center
Speaker 3: of their lives or they they cheat themselves by being
Speaker 3: in relationships, I'm super triggered by that, you know, or
Speaker 3: like just make their whole world about their man, Like
Speaker 3: I get triggered by that. I did that, and it
Speaker 3: made me realize, Oh, bitch, you're triggered because you thought
Speaker 3: this bitch was your mom and you have this motherlike friend.
Speaker 3: Like there's this dynamic that I realized, Like I'm triggered
Speaker 3: by that because I feel like a women have been
Speaker 3: conditioned to center their men and their romantic relationships and go.
Speaker 4: Everything else goes to the wind.
Speaker 3: And also that like it's a dynamic that I grew
Speaker 3: up in my family where I felt like my mom
Speaker 3: would fucking go everything else fell to the wayside, but
Speaker 3: when my dad was doing some shit, that was her
Speaker 3: main thing. And so I just realized, like in my
Speaker 3: adulthood where my triggers and my female friendships come up,
Speaker 3: and like why I clung to some like female friendships
Speaker 3: very hard.
Speaker 4: And I'm like, do you see that?
Speaker 3: And like with your going through the work that you
Speaker 3: do and writing this book, and like I didn't know
Speaker 3: what the mother wound was you were speaking of, but
Speaker 3: do you see that?
Speaker 4: And you're like a reflection of your friendships too. Yes.
Speaker 6: Absolutely, By the way, I really loved you having slum
Speaker 6: Our slum Flower to talk about this. I love her.
Speaker 2: I love her.
Speaker 6: I think she's like one of the most brilliant but
Speaker 6: I call her a philosophers. Yes she is to me,
Speaker 6: and I'm like one of the most brilliant minds that
Speaker 6: speaks on this type of topic. And I love hearing her,
Speaker 6: even if I don't live like another one. I just
Speaker 6: love hearing her thoughts. Every time I hear her speak,
Speaker 6: I learned something new.
Speaker 2: I love you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, the men hated that. How could you abandon your mother?
Speaker 5: You have even if she abused you, Like, yeah, it
Speaker 5: was crazy A lot of Yeah.
Speaker 6: No, I think that a lot of us have mother womb.
Speaker 6: Everybody's gonna have some type of womb. There's going to
Speaker 6: be something there with your mom. And if you're not
Speaker 6: mindful about that, or if you haven't explored that, not
Speaker 6: everybody has access to therapy. Therapy can be expensive, it
Speaker 6: can be prohibitive, But if you haven't looked into any
Speaker 6: of that, you can find yourself trying to What we
Speaker 6: do is we try to play this scenario again and
Speaker 6: again and then in order to do it right this time.
Speaker 6: So if you feel like your mom didn't give you
Speaker 6: enough praise, maybe just as an example, you might be
Speaker 6: looking for your friends feeling like I just feel like
Speaker 6: she doesn't acknowledge me. I again looking for praising her
Speaker 6: and praising her to do it right this time. So
Speaker 6: I think everybody's a mirror. So whatever we're going through
Speaker 6: with our friends is a reflection of something that we
Speaker 6: could take a look at. But when it comes to
Speaker 6: the mother wound. Specifically, I one hundred percent relate to that.
Speaker 6: I feel like, from my perspective, my mother had I
Speaker 6: love my mom, I love you Mom. She has a
Speaker 6: little bit of a harsh outer like it was her
Speaker 6: InterVoice that became outer voice that became my intervals. And
Speaker 6: so I feel that that has become a thing with
Speaker 6: me where I start to I start to become the mom,
Speaker 6: like I'm the caretaker friend. I always used to be
Speaker 6: the friend make sure everybody's good. And then I would
Speaker 6: come and feel again that if I need to share
Speaker 6: my opinion because that's my caretaking. That's how my mom
Speaker 6: is show caretaking, Like I don't like that you didn't
Speaker 6: do you know, like you did all this stuff good,
Speaker 6: but this right here needs to be changed. And like
Speaker 6: that was how I was showing up with my friends
Speaker 6: because I felt like it was caretaking. I would want
Speaker 6: someone to tell me right, But then it's like, bitch,
Speaker 6: you're the one with the negative you bring in the
Speaker 6: vibe down. I haven't asked all that, So I had
Speaker 6: to take that information and rework it because I definitely
Speaker 6: don't want to perpetuate that. But yeah, mother wounds absolutely
Speaker 6: play into it. By the way, I want to backtrack,
Speaker 6: and you were talking about how you were at the
Speaker 6: club last night and you were like being super friendly.
Speaker 6: I just I just like had this memory I when
Speaker 6: I first started dating as like me and my friends
Speaker 6: would go to the strip club all the time. And
Speaker 6: he literally was like she like, you cannot come to
Speaker 6: the strip club with me no more because every time
Speaker 6: baby go back to school, they took all my money,
Speaker 6: like I gave them all the money. Like I would
Speaker 6: just feel so bad because I would be like, I
Speaker 6: just want you to know, you're gorgeous.
Speaker 3: You have to dance, You're gonna take Yeah, you can
Speaker 3: be about Rena and you know, like I'll be in
Speaker 3: there and they're like, let's go, let's go.
Speaker 6: They're they're getting off on your sister, and I was like, damn,
Speaker 6: but I.
Speaker 4: Just want to go next week.
Speaker 2: She give her one hundred singles.
Speaker 4: Literally, you can't you.
Speaker 6: Can't take me anywhere. But yeah, sorry, I don't know
Speaker 6: how we got there.
Speaker 4: From I understand.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think the female friendship thing and an adulthood it
Speaker 3: really requires some like inner like some reflection and introspection
Speaker 3: that a lot of people are not willing to do
Speaker 3: about themselves about their family dynamics. But I find that,
Speaker 3: I mean, you know, we're some deep best bitches, spiritual bitches.
Speaker 4: I find like all.
Speaker 6: You guys make the best friends though, spiritual girls like,
Speaker 6: oh gotta make the best type of friends. Yeah, because
Speaker 6: you know yourself more. The more you know yourself, the
Speaker 6: better you can be a friend. Like like she said,
Speaker 6: knowing I know how Hi, I just want to say,
Speaker 6: in the beginning of this conversation, I'm not in a
Speaker 6: space like that's her knowing herself. And then when you
Speaker 6: when you don't speak up like that, then it becomes
Speaker 6: a manipulative right, or then it becomes something else because
Speaker 6: you're feeling a way you're not saying it, and then
Speaker 6: she's constantly dumping on you, and then you're feeling and
Speaker 6: then later it comes up and it can become a
Speaker 6: big thing. Whereas I feel like the girlies who are
Speaker 6: interested in self work can more likely catch themselves. They
Speaker 6: have a certain level of self awareness, And I can
Speaker 6: do anything with someone who's self aware. Yeah, we can
Speaker 6: do anything. We can rework a relationship, we can end it,
Speaker 6: amend it, we can restart it. If you're not self aware,
Speaker 6: if you're just gonna be looking at me like, well,
Speaker 6: I don't really think I did.
Speaker 3: Yeah, some people are refused to be too, refuse to
Speaker 3: be self aware.
Speaker 4: They're like living in a box.
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I think a lot of people are, unfortunately. I mean,
Speaker 5: I will say I think the Internet has helped people.
Speaker 5: I mean it's like this double and sword of Instagram.
Speaker 5: But I do think that, like the Internet has put
Speaker 5: words to people's feelings, or people's shortcomings or just being
Speaker 5: like oh wait, there's like looking at a list and
Speaker 5: be like, oh shit, I kind of check off every
Speaker 5: box here. Maybe I am a blank. You know, in
Speaker 5: your book you talked about main character energy, and so
Speaker 5: I wanted to get into that because that's I mean obviously,
Speaker 5: like confidence is really the key to beginning to understand
Speaker 5: how to show up authentically as yourself, even like I
Speaker 5: think they work side by side, Like you're not just
Speaker 5: going to automatically be in full confidence, Like I think
Speaker 5: they kind of go and flow with one another.
Speaker 2: How did you find your main character energy through?
Speaker 6: Stop trying to be main characters in other people's stories.
Speaker 6: I think a lot of we are socialized as women
Speaker 6: to prop up again, A lot of it, A lot
Speaker 6: of my book will revisit over and over again the
Speaker 6: ways that larger structures affect our ability or inability to
Speaker 6: self actualize. So I could not talk about this without
Speaker 6: addressing things like patriarchy, things like misogyny, things like late
Speaker 6: stage capitalism. They do affect the way that we socialize
Speaker 6: and the way we learn what's important in value. And
Speaker 6: we live in a society that tells us men is
Speaker 6: more important than women. So wait, what was the fucking
Speaker 6: question again?
Speaker 2: How did you find your period?
Speaker 6: Thank you to myself? And so a lot of us
Speaker 6: are very comfortable being main characters in other people's stories.
Speaker 6: You will see a trend in women being overly concerned
Speaker 6: with other people's lives. Oh but they but they're not
Speaker 6: going to be able to eat, They're not going to
Speaker 6: be able to do this. They and it comes from
Speaker 6: a good place, like right, we want to be nurturing,
Speaker 6: we want to be caretaking. But you're doing all that
Speaker 6: to distract yourself from the fact that you don't even
Speaker 6: have a storyline that you don't even have. You don't
Speaker 6: even know where your exod is, you don't know your cue,
Speaker 6: you don't know the lighting. You're so focused on this
Speaker 6: other person's story that you plan, how you plan a
Speaker 6: side character you to yourself make that make sense. So
Speaker 6: what that looks like is getting to know yourself exactly.
Speaker 6: The type of things that you guys talk about every
Speaker 6: time on your podcast is getting to know the limits
Speaker 6: of who you are and what you are. A lot
Speaker 6: of us don't even know who we are. We know
Speaker 6: like a hologram, like a projection screen that has like
Speaker 6: every thing your parents told you, your church told you,
Speaker 6: and everybody else. But like what do you like? What
Speaker 6: do you like? Do you want to be friends?
Speaker 7: Do you not?
Speaker 6: What is a good frequency for you? Not what the
Speaker 6: Internet tells you. But it's really getting to know all
Speaker 6: the aspects of who you are and first accept them,
Speaker 6: because number one, if you're not a good friend to yourself,
Speaker 6: you're not going to be a good friend to anyone else.
Speaker 6: You're going to just create, you know, foundations in the sand.
Speaker 6: But when you get to know yourself and accept yourself,
Speaker 6: and I think that's the key because when we're talking
Speaker 6: about main character energy, we're talking about loving yourself, and
Speaker 6: people go self love, Well, I don't know what that
Speaker 6: is like, is it a bubble bath? Is it masturbating?
Speaker 6: Is it? You know what is it? I think it
Speaker 6: is self acceptance. If self love is the destination, the
Speaker 6: vehicle is self acceptance. You get there, but just being
Speaker 6: like without fixing, without losing the weight, without getting a
Speaker 6: new job, without getting more money, without doing any of that.
Speaker 6: I'm worthy and valuable right now, and look at all
Speaker 6: these wonderful things that I am expressing right now. Let
Speaker 6: me get to know myself so then I can attract
Speaker 6: and recognize my star players. But you know, as Cat
Speaker 6: William told us, you know you have to check in
Speaker 6: with yours first.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 5: I love that the analogy of the self, the vehicle
Speaker 5: being self acceptance, because I think a lot of times
Speaker 5: we are trying to love like this future version of ourselves,
Speaker 5: and so it takes it's taking us even farther away
Speaker 5: from us loving ourselves. Because bitch, you've been this person
Speaker 5: for a long time. You're not going to be her
Speaker 5: for a minute. So you might as well get into
Speaker 5: who you are at this very moment and figure out
Speaker 5: what are the things that you love about yourself.
Speaker 2: Make a list.
Speaker 5: There's got to be at least one thing that you
Speaker 5: love about yourself exactly, and start with just that one.
Speaker 6: Thing and do it from a place of how much
Speaker 6: you love yourself right now and not how much you
Speaker 6: want to change that thing. Yeah, that's so so important.
Speaker 6: And I'm talking to myself too, because there's always that
Speaker 6: like same.
Speaker 5: I mean, this is like that's why I say I
Speaker 5: think they go It's like they go hand in hand
Speaker 5: together because I'm I'm still always battling like my my
Speaker 5: self love and like I go through I have body
Speaker 5: dysmorphia for sure. Sometimes I'm like, oh my god, I'm
Speaker 5: so fat, and then I'm like, oh my god, I
Speaker 5: look good and then I'm like, wait, I hate this,
Speaker 5: I hate that, and so like it just it's just
Speaker 5: it's a constant evolution, especially because what you said the patriarchy,
Speaker 5: misogyny fucking Instagram, which I said, is it has helped
Speaker 5: people I think come to themselves but also hate themselves.
Speaker 5: So it's like this, it's like a constant evolution of
Speaker 5: trying to make sure that you're constantly checking in with
Speaker 5: who you are in this moment and saying, okay, I
Speaker 5: love you even still yes, And I think people are
Speaker 5: always seeking their future self, looking to love their future self,
Speaker 5: and it's.
Speaker 4: Like right now you're worthy. Yeah, right now you look great,
Speaker 4: Right now, you're good? Yeah, yeah, I feel like this.
Speaker 6: We need a little bit more of Can I ask
Speaker 6: you guys a question, Since you do a podcast where
Speaker 6: you share so much of yourself, like so much of
Speaker 6: your internal life, your experiences, do you feel like it's
Speaker 6: helped you love yourself more?
Speaker 4: Absolutely?
Speaker 3: I think talking out loud and being honest, like it's
Speaker 3: one thing to have it here, but when you say
Speaker 3: it out loud to your friend, or you say it
Speaker 3: out loud and you know, you know, potentially thousands of
Speaker 3: people are listening to it, there is an accountability that
Speaker 3: has to take place. If I'm privately maybe doing some
Speaker 3: functionhit privately, you know, but I'm not telling my friends
Speaker 3: or other people, then I'm not really maybe being held accountable.
Speaker 3: But I think there's been a like I said before
Speaker 3: we started, You're like, do you ever get do we
Speaker 3: ever get like a lot of hate or freaked out
Speaker 3: about the things that we share because we've shared a
Speaker 3: lot of things, And I'm like, not really, because it's
Speaker 3: the truth. But that's been over a course of like
Speaker 3: you understanding that honesty is medicine and then also saying
Speaker 3: things a lot have brought me to like a realization,
Speaker 3: like me saying, like I realized in my female friendships,
Speaker 3: I was, I'm being tre figured by certain things because
Speaker 3: if it's rooted in my relationship with my.
Speaker 4: Mother, I don't think I would have known.
Speaker 3: I would I would have had the put those connected
Speaker 3: those dots if I hadn't done this mess talking out
Speaker 3: loud about things that hurt things parts of myself I
Speaker 3: didn't like really love or like parts of myself.
Speaker 4: I'm like, that could use some fucking improvement.
Speaker 3: I'm I think that, Yeah, that avoidance that you say,
Speaker 3: like I saw two people on our retreat is specifically
Speaker 3: we make profiles, said like, we asked them to describe
Speaker 3: themselves in three words, and I saw twice. I thought
Speaker 3: it was an interesting I mean, it's a great thing quality.
Speaker 3: But two people put hype woman, and I was like,
Speaker 3: that's an interesting adjective to describe yourself as. And I
Speaker 3: meant to ask them about that, like do you hype
Speaker 3: yourself up? But I think that it's absolutely a distraction
Speaker 3: from yourself doing like figuring out what you like and
Speaker 3: who you are, and so you are always prioritizing somebody else,
Speaker 3: always thinking about someone else, it's because you don't want
Speaker 3: to do the inner work that says, like do I
Speaker 3: love to.
Speaker 6: Get very creative at hiding from ourselves.
Speaker 3: Oh and it seems like I'm just I a really
Speaker 3: nice person. No bitch, you want to not look at
Speaker 3: yourself in the mirror and figure out what's up with you?
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: So I do think like the talking out loud has
Speaker 3: been medicine and has been a practice of Yeah, this
Speaker 3: is who I am, and that's why I was last year,
Speaker 3: and that's how I was last week, and this is
Speaker 3: who I am today, and this is how I've grown
Speaker 3: from that, and like I'm always changing, I'm always growing,
Speaker 3: like like the world is always spinning, like this is
Speaker 3: I'm not perfect, you know, and I know that, and
Speaker 3: so I think it's helped really give me acceptance in
Speaker 3: that space.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I agree.
Speaker 5: I think that speaking for sure has been transformational in
Speaker 5: my life because I felt like I held a lot
Speaker 5: of things in before. When I mentioned Mila, like I
Speaker 5: was ready to burst open, like I was like I
Speaker 5: got some shit to say because I had suppressed so
Speaker 5: much suppressed, like like again, like how I felt about
Speaker 5: my body. I had suppressed how I felt about my
Speaker 5: relationships I had suppressed like just just so.
Speaker 2: Everything, you know.
Speaker 5: So being able to speak there was a freedom that
Speaker 5: I had never really experienceerienced. And being able to sit
Speaker 5: with my sister and her accept me even after I've expressed.
Speaker 2: Those things was very healing to me.
Speaker 5: Being able to sit with women like you who are
Speaker 5: very We've had, I mean women come on our show
Speaker 5: and they're very vulnerable, you know, and so like that's
Speaker 5: healing for me. Having our community reach out and say, hey, Erica,
Speaker 5: like that was really dope that thing that you said,
Speaker 5: or I really relate to that experience, or I didn't
Speaker 5: know I could do that, and I'm like, bitch, I
Speaker 5: didn't know I could do that. But you know, like
Speaker 5: those are things that keep me going and help heal
Speaker 5: the little girl in me that like felt like, oh
Speaker 5: I'm too much or or maybe I shouldn't say that,
Speaker 5: or maybe I shouldn't wear that, or maybe I should
Speaker 5: lose weight, or maybe I should you know this or that,
Speaker 5: Like even like yesterday we had a we were a
Speaker 5: black effect fest and I wore this like super tight
Speaker 5: blue thing and.
Speaker 2: Everyone was giving me thank you.
Speaker 5: But I've been like in privately, like the last like
Speaker 5: five months feeling like I don't like like my body.
Speaker 6: I did not tell from that clip. I would never guess,
Speaker 6: but I.
Speaker 5: Think because I have to show up every week no
Speaker 5: matter what, I have to push through. I have to
Speaker 5: push through, and yes, like and then I look at
Speaker 5: the pictures and.
Speaker 2: I'm like, but why are you always tripping on your
Speaker 2: body like you're good?
Speaker 5: And it's just because my body takes different shapes and forms,
Speaker 5: you know. And I think also growing up in LA,
Speaker 5: growing up in white spaces, growing up in the entertainment industry,
Speaker 5: you know, all those things paired with men that you know,
Speaker 5: I felt like if maybe if I if I'm if
Speaker 5: I look this way or I look that way, you
Speaker 5: won't cheat on me, or like maybe you'll stay Like
Speaker 5: those things started to play into my psyche and are
Speaker 5: things I'm still unraveling now, like even now. So I
Speaker 5: think that sitting here and talking and sharing even right
Speaker 5: now saying this is healing for me. So I always
Speaker 5: tell people like, you don't have to have a podcast
Speaker 5: to heal, but I do think you have to say
Speaker 5: the thing like fucking talk into your phone daily and
Speaker 5: just say things that you don't even like that you
Speaker 5: don't feel comfortable saying to other people and see how
Speaker 5: your life starts to transform.
Speaker 3: And even about being like accountable. I don't even listen
Speaker 3: to what I said. I just know I said it exactly.
Speaker 4: I don't even go back and listen. I just know
Speaker 4: I said it.
Speaker 2: I was like, well, there's a level of just yeah,
Speaker 2: just the release of saying it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, just the release of their body.
Speaker 3: There's things like I crazy a little bit, witness, Yes, yes,
Speaker 3: it's just say the thing in witness. And I think
Speaker 3: that that the frequency of sound, like audio, has energy.
Speaker 3: Like I think we underestimate our power as energetic you know, beings, gods,
Speaker 3: you know, divine beings and so like everything that comes
Speaker 3: from us, everything we create, things, you sing, things you
Speaker 3: play out theatrically, they all hold and carry a frequency,
Speaker 3: and like literally as we're talking right now, like it's
Speaker 3: it's being emitted into the you know, and to the
Speaker 3: the ethers, and there's power there. And that's why people
Speaker 3: say like words or spells, yes, bitch, because the universe
Speaker 3: is always listening and creating based on what's here and
Speaker 3: what's coming out of your mouth. So I think like
Speaker 3: we don't give ourselves enough credit as divine beings, and
Speaker 3: so that the works and the things that we put
Speaker 3: out into the earth are often underestimated how much power
Speaker 3: they really hold. Even how we speak to each other,
Speaker 3: even touching each other, even connecting on a like personal level,
Speaker 3: like looking at a bitch in the eye, looking at
Speaker 3: yourself in the eye and saying like, you know, you're important,
Speaker 3: you matter, or just how we speak to people, like
Speaker 3: just how transformative words can be, if we're kind, if
Speaker 3: we're sweet, instead of just being like you know, whatever,
Speaker 3: fuck you, even what you were saying earlier, I resonate
Speaker 3: with about like your mom, you know, like maybe speaking
Speaker 3: kind of harshly or being very direct, Like I grew
Speaker 3: up in a household that way. So I realized, like,
Speaker 3: that's how I speak to my daughter, girl, who you're
Speaker 3: fucking playing with?
Speaker 4: Go whatever? You know what I mean.
Speaker 3: And I realized, like, that's because I'm a product of
Speaker 3: my environment, you know, And I've had to really work
Speaker 3: on softening because that's not how I was raised. Do
Speaker 3: you experience that with like your your step children like that,
Speaker 3: I mean, maybe I don't know, how do you feel?
Speaker 6: Well, it's different because I'm I have two step children
Speaker 6: eleven and fourteen sailor. She's fourteen. She lives with me,
Speaker 6: and I call her my bonus daughter, so they call
Speaker 6: me bonus mom. So being a bonus mom is a
Speaker 6: little different. I feel like as an entry pointed to
Speaker 6: motherhood because you're watching these two people do it, so
Speaker 6: you're you're kind of like one step removed because she
Speaker 6: already has two parents. She has a mother and a father,
Speaker 6: and I get to see their choices that they make,
Speaker 6: and I get to just like, Ali you, I love me,
Speaker 6: I love me. I feel like being a bonus mom
Speaker 6: is just I love it. I love it down. I
Speaker 6: get all the good stuff. And then at the end
Speaker 6: of the day, you know, they got a lot of
Speaker 6: places to go, they got a lot of family, They
Speaker 6: got their mom, they got their dad.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 6: But when it comes to what was the fucking question again,
Speaker 6: bro my memory, because is it TikTok?
Speaker 5: Blame somebody not TikTok maybe spoke harshly. Do you feel
Speaker 5: like you've had to work on not speaking harshly?
Speaker 6: Thank you? But I also had great, a great step
Speaker 6: mother and the godmother, so I had like women who
Speaker 6: weren't my mother pouring to me. So I have a
Speaker 6: different dynamic because I really always thought about wanting to
Speaker 6: pay that forward, like I mean, yeah, I mean I
Speaker 6: was the only black child in my household. My mother
Speaker 6: is white Cuban. She married my father who's African American,
Speaker 6: had me and my sister. They got divorced, my mom
Speaker 6: remarried a white man and had my sisters. So I
Speaker 6: have one sister who's blonde hair, blue eyes, and then
Speaker 6: I have a bunch of other siblings that are biracial
Speaker 6: and black. So I was in there in the house
Speaker 6: with my mother who's white, passing kind of kind of
Speaker 6: like similar to the girl and sinners. I didn't see
Speaker 6: it yet, okay, that type of vibe, and then my
Speaker 6: stepfather who's white, my sister who's white, and so I
Speaker 6: was very confused. That's interesting, you can imagine, right, And
Speaker 6: there was a lot of chaos, a police around house
Speaker 6: all the time. So the first person, one of the
Speaker 6: first people to be like super nice to me and
Speaker 6: just like hi, was my She became my godmother. She's
Speaker 6: MISSI rest in peace. But what she gave me and
Speaker 6: what women gave me, my teachers who poured into me
Speaker 6: and stuff, I've always wanted to that forward. So I
Speaker 6: don't have a lot of trouble with the negatives, like
Speaker 6: with the harsh voice too, sailor. However, I do have
Speaker 6: to catch it with myself. She's a witness to my behavior,
Speaker 6: and I noticed, like, kids is not gonna do what
Speaker 6: you do say, they're gonna do what you do. They're
Speaker 6: watching how you treat yourself. They're watching how you treat
Speaker 6: other people. So if i'm you know, like how you
Speaker 6: might say stuff about your body like oh I look
Speaker 6: So I don't say that only fat, I don't. I'm
Speaker 6: always like, ooh, I look so beautiful. I make sure
Speaker 6: to give myself a lot of compliments. I love the
Speaker 6: way I look. And my husband's really great at that
Speaker 6: because be like, oh this is beautiful. It is beautiful.
Speaker 6: Because I start to hear her, you know, even say
Speaker 6: little things like oh I have a bump on my
Speaker 6: face or oh, but you still look beautiful. Your skin
Speaker 6: looks beautiful. So to me, I feel like I'm hyper
Speaker 6: aware because.
Speaker 4: She's not my daughter.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I almost feel like when it's your kid, it's like,
Speaker 6: what ain't mine? You know, say you mine? So I'm
Speaker 6: very mindful. So I'm very careful with the way I
Speaker 6: speak I make sure to. Like the other day, she
Speaker 6: was like preparing for a test. She really wanted to
Speaker 6: go to this dance and her dad told her like,
Speaker 6: if you don't get your grades up, you're not good.
Speaker 6: And you know, we were talking to her and I
Speaker 6: was like, you gotta believe in yourself. Well, I don't know,
Speaker 6: I don't know. I was like, you're smart, You're this,
Speaker 6: you're that. And then later I was like putting something
Speaker 6: away in her room and I've seen she had the
Speaker 6: post it notes like all in her mirror like I
Speaker 6: am smart, I am strong, I did good eighth grade
Speaker 6: dance like and all this, and so like when I
Speaker 6: see stuff like that, just it just makes it all worth.
Speaker 4: It, you know, you know it's working.
Speaker 6: Yeah. She teaches me to be kind to myself just
Speaker 6: in being around Like y'all have girls too. I feel like,
Speaker 6: you know, you just very aware how you can remember.
Speaker 6: We have memories from ten years old, five years old,
Speaker 6: and I'm like, damn, this is gonna be a fucking
Speaker 6: trauma moment. She's gonna be in therapy, my stepfa.
Speaker 4: She's sad right right.
Speaker 2: That leads me to our bad choice of the week.
Speaker 5: Yeahah, because you kind of shared with me what your
Speaker 5: bad choice of the week is, but can you share
Speaker 5: what you were going to share?
Speaker 2: Bad mom?
Speaker 7: Not a bad mom, but a bad mom so good.
Speaker 6: I'm living, so I think I was like, I was thinking, like,
Speaker 6: what would my bad choice be? I think, I hope
Speaker 6: I'm answering the question right, So if I answer it
Speaker 6: and I don't just tell me, ask me again. But
Speaker 6: I feel like a bad choice that I feel like
Speaker 6: might look bad. And if I would have went back,
Speaker 6: I would have said, she's what the fuck you doing?
Speaker 6: Low key? But it turned out to be good. Is
Speaker 6: being a bonus mom? Like I think, like right before
Speaker 6: I met Ace, if you would have asked me like, oh,
Speaker 6: do you dating man with kids? Hell no, hell no,
Speaker 6: fuck them kids. I don't want them, you know, Like
Speaker 6: that was very much the vibe I was on. But
Speaker 6: then I was like, okay, there are two one baby mama,
Speaker 6: we can negotiate. We can negotiate.
Speaker 4: I like him, and shit, yeah, like you know, but.
Speaker 6: Honestly, without hyperbole, I just have the best bonus kids
Speaker 6: on the planet. They're so cool, Like, they're fun, they're
Speaker 6: funny to be around, they're smart, they're engaging, and like
Speaker 6: through being a bonus mom. I had to deal with
Speaker 6: my ego a lot. And I don't know, I think
Speaker 6: parenting is the ghetto anyway, Like you would have got
Speaker 6: to that point. Y'all can correct me if I'm wrong,
Speaker 6: because I'm not a mother biologically, But you got to
Speaker 6: confront your ego a lot. Like so many times, let's
Speaker 6: say I wanted something my way, but she has two
Speaker 6: parents who wanted a different way. That I have to
Speaker 6: put myself to the side, So managing my ego and
Speaker 6: being kind to myself. I had a very harsh InterVoice
Speaker 6: growing up, and so like I'm not a person. Like
Speaker 6: when I meet women who've always been confident, I'm like, damn,
Speaker 6: that's so cool. You just believe in yourself. Like I
Speaker 6: had to really fight for the belief in myself, like
Speaker 6: you're good, You're worthy of things. And so I'm very
Speaker 6: mindful of that and this when I'm around her, I
Speaker 6: have to really be disciplined about the way that I
Speaker 6: speak to myself and the way that I speak to her. Like,
Speaker 6: all right, I told her, don't leave these dishes. She's
Speaker 6: still doing it. Like what am I gonna say? How
Speaker 6: am I gonna candle that you see I'm saying, I
Speaker 6: feel like if it's your own kids, you might fly
Speaker 6: off and be.
Speaker 3: Like girl, I told, yeah, exactly, that's true. An interesting perspective,
Speaker 3: and I was thinking that it may be like you're
Speaker 3: a little bit more aware, which is wild because you
Speaker 3: should just be aware in general, especially you know.
Speaker 4: But I also I.
Speaker 3: Wanted to ask you also before we get out of here, like,
Speaker 3: I know you've been really transparent and talked about your
Speaker 3: your journey to motherhood and like having bonus kids, and
Speaker 3: I know that you wanted to have you know, you
Speaker 3: want to have you know, kids, and how how have
Speaker 3: you healed that and like how have you been able
Speaker 3: to be comfortable talking about it and like, you know,
Speaker 3: all those things. I think it's something just in general,
Speaker 3: like you said, society tells you since you're a child,
Speaker 3: they give you that fucking baby, plastic baby, and they're like,
Speaker 3: this is what you're gonna do. So I think women
Speaker 3: often don't talk about the journey to you know, like
Speaker 3: fraternity and fertility.
Speaker 2: Start fraternity.
Speaker 4: She was like, sororities, fraternities, babies.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, how do you feel right?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 6: I so definitely. I was one of the ones always
Speaker 6: want to be a mom. I love being a mom.
Speaker 6: I love taking care of babies and all the things.
Speaker 6: My mom tells a story to me every time I
Speaker 6: see her. That my little sister who's blonde hair and
Speaker 6: blue eyes, she looked like a baby doll to me,
Speaker 6: like when she was born. I was like, this is
Speaker 6: a real life dog. And she's like, you know, this
Speaker 6: is back And I'm raised in the eighties. I don't
Speaker 6: know if y'all remember.
Speaker 4: Eckerts oh the store.
Speaker 6: Maybe I'm from the South, maybe I didn't have them,
Speaker 6: But we used to be left in the car, like
Speaker 6: when our mom went to the store. That was normal.
Speaker 6: I don't even know if moms are allowed to do
Speaker 6: that anymore. But oh, you're not. You get arrested. CPS
Speaker 6: will be there.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you're a bad mother.
Speaker 6: They have you on TikTok by story time. Okay, So
Speaker 6: I was in the car. My mom was like, I'll
Speaker 6: be right back. I was five years old. My sister
Speaker 6: was just born, and she was crying, and I don't
Speaker 6: know how I knew, but I knew that she needed
Speaker 6: her diaper change. I took her out the car seat,
Speaker 6: changed her diaper, put her back in the car seat,
Speaker 6: and then my mom got in the car and she
Speaker 6: was like, you were just sitting there and you just said,
Speaker 6: oh yeah, Mom, I changed her diaper. So I feel
Speaker 6: like I've always had that spirit in me, that nurturing
Speaker 6: is very present. And so I was on birth control
Speaker 6: since I I just found out in my late thirties
Speaker 6: that I have endometrioses. All these years where I've been
Speaker 6: trying to get a diagnosis and they've just been telling
Speaker 6: you to take birth control, which retroactively made everything worse.
Speaker 6: So I thought, oh, when I get my I u
Speaker 6: d out, I'm gonna just get pregnant like we fucking like, hey, hey,
Speaker 6: we be on the mission. So I'm thinking it's just
Speaker 6: gonna happen. I never in a million years. I'm like,
Speaker 6: I'm a spiritual girlie. I do the crystals, you know,
Speaker 6: I'm I'm with the girls. I'm eating veggies and shit,
Speaker 6: and like, what do you mean, I'm doing my step aerobics,
Speaker 6: Like there's no I'm you know, I'm in touch with
Speaker 6: my divine feminine of course, so my ego took a
Speaker 6: massive hit when my fertility journey did not go the
Speaker 6: way that I mean, the first miscarriage, I was in
Speaker 6: the middle of filming love and hip hop.
Speaker 4: No, that sounds like.
Speaker 2: That sounds in.
Speaker 6: Listen. Yes, So it was crazy. I'm like, all right,
Speaker 6: one is fine. But then it just kept happening, and
Speaker 6: then I started to go like, oh wait a minute, Okay,
Speaker 6: this is before I had my diagnosis, what's wrong with me?
Speaker 6: And it really took me a long time to work
Speaker 6: through that shame and guilt. Because if you're told as
Speaker 6: a woman, one of the things that you are made
Speaker 6: to do on this earth is to birth children, and
Speaker 6: you find yourself not being able to do that, then
Speaker 6: what then? What? Remember when I saw the Barbie movie
Speaker 6: that I saw it so many times cause I love
Speaker 6: the ending so much because of that song, that Billie
Speaker 6: Eilish song what Am I Made For? And I would
Speaker 6: just listen to that part, like what am I Made For?
Speaker 6: I remember I thought to myself, like, what the fuck
Speaker 6: am I even like a good wife? Like especially he
Speaker 6: already has two kids and they're so amazing and brilliant,
Speaker 6: like and here I am. So it took. It was
Speaker 6: not easy, the journey. I'm still on the journey. I
Speaker 6: don't have any children yet, I have not conceived, but
Speaker 6: what I have done is stop trying. I stopped trying
Speaker 6: after I had to do multiple surgeries, had to get ovariances,
Speaker 6: removed multiple things to remove the tissue like end of
Speaker 6: me leaves like all this leftover tissue scar tissue exactly,
Speaker 6: and so getting that remove and then I just decided,
Speaker 6: you know what, like Tracy elis Roth said, and that
Speaker 6: that podcast interview she did the other day with Michelle Obama,
Speaker 6: what is this about? Like what is this about? What
Speaker 6: am I searching for? What is it that I'm looking for?
Speaker 6: I'm very much looking for something. There was a part
Speaker 6: of me that's like, if I cannot do this, if
Speaker 6: I cannot conceive my children, I'm not worthy. I'm not
Speaker 6: a good and I'm not a full whole woman, and
Speaker 6: that had I had to let that go. So the
Speaker 6: place that I was pursuing my fertility journey on was
Speaker 6: the place of lack. And it caused me to ask myself, like,
Speaker 6: what would you what do you think children are going
Speaker 6: to give you that you don't have. What do you
Speaker 6: think it's going to bring out a new version of you?
Speaker 6: And of course it does, because when you birth the child,
Speaker 6: your birth a mother. But for me, I had to
Speaker 6: sit with well, okay, let's take the whole. So I
Speaker 6: do this integration work. I do a lot of spiritual there.
Speaker 6: I'm in all the therapies, and this was where you
Speaker 6: take the fear and you magnify it. So in sessions
Speaker 6: and I did em DR, which is amazing.
Speaker 5: I totally recommend show a few weeks ago Who Changed Life,
Speaker 5: And then yeah, everyone commented on just how hot it is.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I Movement desensitization reprocessing. I recommend it for two reasons.
Speaker 6: Number one is you can do four sessions of e
Speaker 6: M d R and really work through something, whereas talk
Speaker 6: therapy can just be never ending, never never ending. And
Speaker 6: the second is it's more cost effective, Like you can
Speaker 6: literally find you an e M d R specialist, do
Speaker 6: four sessions and you will actually metric like you will
Speaker 6: be able to see the change in your life. And
Speaker 6: it's not through thinking through things. I think like a
Speaker 6: lot of us prioritize our rational mind, logical mind. I'm
Speaker 6: going to think through it. I'm going to talk through
Speaker 6: why my mom left. I'm going to talk through it,
Speaker 6: and you can. But there's a certain somatic healing and
Speaker 6: that's what EMDR is that happens without you thinking through it,
Speaker 6: which I think is helpful. So anyway, in the fear
Speaker 6: was what if I never become a mother? And so
Speaker 6: instead of running from it in the sessions, I would
Speaker 6: magnify it, blow it up, make it big, and run
Speaker 6: right into it like a wave. And I was like,
Speaker 6: on the other side, it wasn't that scary for me, Like,
Speaker 6: I don't if God finds it for me to have
Speaker 6: a child, absolutely, but if I never have a child
Speaker 6: from my own body, I'm still a mother Number one.
Speaker 6: Number two, I'm still valuable, I'm still worthy, and I
Speaker 6: have so many things to birth right, so many things
Speaker 6: to birth into this world. And then also I started
Speaker 6: to think maybe a part of my purpose is to
Speaker 6: express motherhood differently. Look at how many the foster cares are.
Speaker 6: They're full, Yeah, okay, so many children who need care,
Speaker 6: who need support. Why do I feel like, well, there
Speaker 6: was a certain part of me is like is it
Speaker 6: just the ego thing where I feel like I only
Speaker 6: care so much if it's mine. So that's where I
Speaker 6: am right now. I'm exploring what care motherhood looks like
Speaker 6: in all the ways I can express it right now
Speaker 6: because I just felt like this journey like chasing motherhood
Speaker 6: was like killing me. It was killing me spiritual, mentally, physically,
Speaker 6: and I just was like, I'm I refuse to do
Speaker 6: this to myself anymore, Like anything in my life that
Speaker 6: I've had to do all this for something is telling
Speaker 6: me you need to shift, You maybe need to look elsewhere.
Speaker 6: And that's what I decided, was like.
Speaker 4: That's beautiful.
Speaker 3: And I think that women innately just think I'm supposed
Speaker 3: to have kid because it's on the checklist. Yeah, no, bitch,
Speaker 3: you should really just didn't think about it.
Speaker 6: You I work with women, so I hear stories all
Speaker 6: the more I think about it, the more I go.
Speaker 6: I don't know, maybe maybe it's a blessing in disguise,
Speaker 6: because look how hard it is for mothers right now.
Speaker 6: Nobody has support. There's no maternal health care, there's no
Speaker 6: maternal leave. Like you know, women, I hear it all
Speaker 6: the time, Like, I'm not all one of those women
Speaker 6: that will be like nobody told me it could be hard.
Speaker 6: I am exactly the opposite. I have heard the realities.
Speaker 6: Your nipples hurt, is that you know all the things
Speaker 6: that can happen. So I'm not naive, you know, I think.
Speaker 6: So that's why I'm I'm just gonna make the best
Speaker 6: of it whatever. That's the only way I know how
Speaker 6: to deal with life. Otherwise that she gets dark and
Speaker 6: it's just like you feel out of control. So what
Speaker 6: can I control? I can control my perspective on the situation,
Speaker 6: and my perspective is I'm divinely guided and protected always
Speaker 6: at all times. So whatever is in my life, it
Speaker 6: is supposed to be in my life.
Speaker 4: Amen, period, period.
Speaker 6: Okay, So if anybody's looking for a mom.
Speaker 4: That's beautiful.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I really appreciate you sharing that and being like transparent,
Speaker 3: and it happens so much. There's so many women who
Speaker 3: are gonna benefit from hearing you speak like that and
Speaker 3: change their perspective and just like look at the fear
Speaker 3: and magnify it so that you can really like embody
Speaker 3: and say, is it really that motherfucking scary or I'm
Speaker 3: telling myself that it's scary.
Speaker 6: And there's grief either way.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 6: That's what I just talked about in the video I
Speaker 6: was talking about Tracy Ellis Ross was talking about her
Speaker 6: grief from not having a partner and not having children.
Speaker 6: There's grief either way. If you have children, you're gonna
Speaker 6: grieve the live you lost. If you don't, you're gonna
Speaker 6: grieve all the what ifs. Like there's grieving. And so
Speaker 6: instead of trying to run from something that can bring
Speaker 6: me grief, I'd rather be in a position to manage
Speaker 6: the grief regardless.
Speaker 3: And this shit's gonna happen no matter what, whether it's this,
Speaker 3: this or that. How are you managing with life in general?
Speaker 3: Because it's not always going to be roses and flowers,
Speaker 3: but it can be if your the ability to just
Speaker 3: go through things and stay up is there. And I
Speaker 3: think people like change, like forget that. That's what this
Speaker 3: life is about. It's like finding peace and whatever whatever
Speaker 3: God gives you.
Speaker 5: Essentially, I think definitely finding the peace. And also, like
Speaker 5: you said that you were trying to create a child
Speaker 5: from a place of lack, your body will follow suit
Speaker 5: in that as well, like truly, so you know. And
Speaker 5: and that's not to say that, oh, now you live
Speaker 5: in abundant life and now you're at peace and now
Speaker 5: suddenly you're.
Speaker 2: Gonna have a baby.
Speaker 5: That's not that's that might not be the case either,
Speaker 5: But I but wouldn't you rather live in that frequency?
Speaker 5: Like wouldn't you rather create life in that frequency. Wouldn't
Speaker 5: you rather accept that maybe in this lifetime you won't
Speaker 5: create life in that frequency?
Speaker 2: Right? You know?
Speaker 6: And that's kind of like what it is. I know
Speaker 6: you guys are very spiritual too, and I feel like
Speaker 6: I've been communicating with my there's two it's a boy
Speaker 6: and a girl spirit children for years and I I
Speaker 6: where I am now are my spiritual journeys. I get
Speaker 6: this sense that they will only enter the earth through
Speaker 6: my body with a very specific set of circumstances, and
Speaker 6: if it's not up to their standard, they're.
Speaker 2: Not doing it.
Speaker 4: Not coming.
Speaker 6: I feel like they came and peeked around a few
Speaker 6: times and they were like, Noah, no, Mom, get together.
Speaker 6: And so I agree, I'd rather be in that vibration.
Speaker 5: Like regardless, how is your husband, I guess supported you
Speaker 5: through the grief and this process.
Speaker 6: He has so much faith. Like that's one thing that
Speaker 6: I love about him and his family, Like his mom
Speaker 6: is one of those like praying Grandma's Like, you know
Speaker 6: she going and pray over you. That's okay, baby, she
Speaker 6: gonna encourage you. And like that's another reason why he
Speaker 6: latched on and did so well with Khaled, because Calid
Speaker 6: speaks like that, like that like Ace knows how to
Speaker 6: speak things into existence, and he's very encouraging. He never worried.
Speaker 6: I'm like, you're not worried, No, no, can you at
Speaker 6: least indulge make me feel like I'm not fucking crazy?
Speaker 6: But he I'm like, I think it's a little easier too.
Speaker 6: I tell him this also, I think it might be
Speaker 6: a little easier for him. Number one, it's not his body.
Speaker 6: He's he's a man, and he has to like like
Speaker 6: you can look at them like sailor will come down
Speaker 6: the stairs and you'll see like you have one already.
Speaker 6: But to him, in his mind, he's like, I have
Speaker 6: no doubt in my mind, no doubt. And he prays
Speaker 6: a lot and he does like womb massages and stuff
Speaker 6: like that. Wow, he's a gem. One thing. I really
Speaker 6: looked up with a torus man, a healed tourist man,
Speaker 6: because they love being married. He loves being married.
Speaker 4: Like emphasis unhealed healed.
Speaker 5: Yeah, because we were just talking about it, were just
Speaker 5: talking about unhealed towards men yesterday.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 6: Stubborn, so stubborn.
Speaker 2: She's like, I'm sorr, I'm whispering probably heard it on
Speaker 2: the mic.
Speaker 3: I know that, Yeah, yeah, and shout out to the
Speaker 3: men that loved being married and loved being husbands and like,
Speaker 3: are he's.
Speaker 6: A lover voice mine aries, that's what you said.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I feel like Scorpio Taurus, those two signs, I think,
Speaker 5: because they're the opposite unhealed, are very.
Speaker 6: I've heard dangerous.
Speaker 2: I'm a Scorpio, I'm a Scorpios.
Speaker 6: You got isn't that the stinger? You got the stinger right?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 5: By scorpio that has like committed to doing no work
Speaker 5: is actually a demonic, Like it couldn't really be a scary.
Speaker 2: Time for they can really.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I've experienced it on the other end, not necessarily
Speaker 5: me because I'm perfect, but the men that I've dated,
Speaker 5: who my partner now is a Scorpio and he's like amazing.
Speaker 6: To Scorpios, how is that going?
Speaker 2: Amazing?
Speaker 5: And but before that, I was with a Scorpio and
Speaker 5: so that was a different dynamic and we fed each other,
Speaker 5: we fed each other in different ways.
Speaker 2: It was very sexually driven and like that was what
Speaker 2: was there. But emotionally, like you know, like it's it
Speaker 2: can be very very scary.
Speaker 5: So I think, like you said like a healed Turus man,
Speaker 5: And I think you know Taurus is they do.
Speaker 2: They love home life. They love like.
Speaker 5: They like a foundation, they like structure, like they really
Speaker 5: like to feel in community with people.
Speaker 2: And especially your family. Yeah, so I think that's beautiful that.
Speaker 6: I know his mom used to get on him so
Speaker 6: much when we first got married because she's like, you
Speaker 6: just keep saying your wife all day, all day, say
Speaker 6: my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, Like just
Speaker 6: say Sheila, just.
Speaker 4: All my life to say life, right.
Speaker 6: I'm like, I really love that, though. I feel like
Speaker 6: that's half the battle because from my observation what I
Speaker 6: see on the internet nowadays, I don't know what's the
Speaker 6: batch of being going on.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 6: I'm like, y'all, I hate women.
Speaker 3: That's why we need more men that are speaking out
Speaker 3: about loving wives and loving like married life, loving being
Speaker 3: a husband.
Speaker 6: Like I need more men to talk to their homeboys.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like, please God, please help the men more.
Speaker 2: Maybe as just some men's truth.
Speaker 6: Love your wife again all the time, like can we
Speaker 6: get pow wow, y'all get together? Because like what's going on?
Speaker 5: Because I would say there are some really really powerful
Speaker 5: male voices on the internet again that are speaking really
Speaker 5: highly of women, and that is like I feel I've
Speaker 5: seen that over the last i'd say, like a few
Speaker 5: two years, and so I hope I'm hoping that the
Speaker 5: men are. I know a lot of women are listening
Speaker 5: to those men because I'm one of them. Like, yeah,
Speaker 5: because because I don't think the old men are listening
Speaker 5: to them.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because men talking shit about women all day on
Speaker 3: the internet. It's not the flex that you think it is,
Speaker 3: my g at all. It makes you look immature, weak
Speaker 3: and just like baby boy.
Speaker 5: You're disrespecting the source. Yeah, now everything is gonna be
Speaker 5: fucked up for you.
Speaker 3: I always say this, and it's not a popular opinion,
Speaker 3: but when you come, you.
Speaker 2: Don't just be with your homie.
Speaker 3: You don't want you come for the You come for
Speaker 3: the divine feminine In this lifetime, I feel like, because
Speaker 3: we're raising up and we're like remembering who we are,
Speaker 3: it's not gonna be good for you if you keep
Speaker 3: going in that round. Look what happened to Kevin Samon.
Speaker 3: I knew you were say on Mother's Day weekend? Yes,
Speaker 3: bit because I noticed it and I said, oh, look
Speaker 3: at the goddesses. They did not like that ship. You
Speaker 3: were a point he was cancerous. I don't even know
Speaker 3: if there was a character, but he was. He was
Speaker 3: doing no good. It's like those kind of people Andrew
Speaker 3: Taits or whatever the name is there are. I don't
Speaker 3: think that you this is the the error for you.
Speaker 3: My gis not going to thrive, not at all, clearly,
Speaker 3: not me saying that every time.
Speaker 2: Okay, before we get out of here, do you have
Speaker 2: a horror story?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Oh wait before the horse give affirmation and then tell
Speaker 3: us your horror story.
Speaker 6: I love what is it? I love and accept myself
Speaker 6: completely exactly as I am right now.
Speaker 3: I love and accept myself completely exactly as I am
Speaker 3: right now.
Speaker 6: And the what is it?
Speaker 4: A horror?
Speaker 3: A horror story like when you're a highly horrory your husband,
Speaker 3: it could be in your whole era whenever it's.
Speaker 6: Like thinking, I'm like, Dad, I need a good horror story.
Speaker 6: I'm a what did you say you was a monogamous
Speaker 6: monster or something?
Speaker 2: What was it?
Speaker 6: That's what I am.
Speaker 4: I'm like, I'm a monogamous monster.
Speaker 6: But I do have a story about a retreat actually.
Speaker 2: Horse story.
Speaker 6: When I was doing we were doing before we started
Speaker 6: doing retreats, we were doing day events, and so we
Speaker 6: had this day event. It was like one hundred black
Speaker 6: women in this beautiful chapel we rented out and they
Speaker 6: were doing yoga and all these things, and this lady
Speaker 6: just walks in and she's like, what is this? What
Speaker 6: are you doing here? This is amazing. She's like, in la,
Speaker 6: I don't see this many black women together or whatever
Speaker 6: she was saying. I was like, really okay, and so
Speaker 6: she's like, get my card. We got to work together.
Speaker 6: And so she was like, have you ever thought about
Speaker 6: doing retreats? I'm like that sounds cool, let's go. Okay.
Speaker 6: She's like, want to co produce one. I'm like absolutely.
Speaker 6: So she's like all right, I got the venue. There's
Speaker 6: this place to have a good connection with everything. I'm like, okay, great,
Speaker 6: and she's like, oh, but just so you know, it's
Speaker 6: clothing optional. I'm like, how that gold work. I'm like,
Speaker 6: let me think about that. I was like, that actually
Speaker 6: goes with the theme, like.
Speaker 4: Our retreats are definitely clothing optional.
Speaker 6: I was like, you know, women accepting themselves being safe,
Speaker 6: and since our retreats are just women, I'm like this
Speaker 6: could be great. All right, wonderful. I'm going down we're planning.
Speaker 6: We sold out the retreat and everything. And then Tasha
Speaker 6: is my collaboration, She's my best friend and she works
Speaker 6: at me too. She said, Sheila, this is not only
Speaker 6: clothing option, this is a swinger's resar. I was like,
Speaker 6: what excuse me? I got all these women coming here,
Speaker 6: and then I'm like, what if they're offended? Oh my god,
Speaker 6: are they gonna be safe?
Speaker 4: Oh my god.
Speaker 6: I was so worried about the group. It turned out
Speaker 6: to be it was Heito so where Yeah, And it
Speaker 6: actually was the best retreat I have ever done to
Speaker 6: this day.
Speaker 4: Wait, were there are other people there?
Speaker 6: Other? Yes, but we took over, like they took over
Speaker 6: the whole It was mainly us. There were and oh.
Speaker 6: At the same time, it actually was like divine for
Speaker 6: the girls because at the same time they had like
Speaker 6: some type of calendar competition thing that had like a
Speaker 6: bunch of single men and a bunch of single women
Speaker 6: like competing. So every night we like watch their show.
Speaker 6: And then there was a bunch of guys there. I
Speaker 6: don't know what went on because I was like the
Speaker 6: mom or the field trip leader. They don't tell me anything.
Speaker 3: You're just hanging out.
Speaker 6: The most fun thing that was happening. The first night,
Speaker 6: we were like, okay, so we're all going to the pool,
Speaker 6: like it's again. We want to be very mindful. I'm
Speaker 6: very very overprotective over women that come to retreat to
Speaker 6: me because I feel like that's a big deal. You
Speaker 6: know a lot of women are coming down their comfort
Speaker 6: zone and everything. So I said, we're just going over
Speaker 6: to visit the clothing optional size as a group if
Speaker 6: you want to come, Da da da, And like the
Speaker 6: whole the whole group, maybe only two people didn't go.
Speaker 4: They're like, well, we came this far.
Speaker 2: Share got back.
Speaker 6: Yeah, one hundred black women just naked, Like oh, like
Speaker 6: is that your c section scar?
Speaker 4: It was one hundred women YEAHO, And you didn't know.
Speaker 6: It was like I kind of underestimated. I thought it
Speaker 6: was just like like you can be on the beach
Speaker 6: clothing optional if you want, And then it was like, oh,
Speaker 6: it's a little bit more than that. But it was.
Speaker 6: It was such a fun retreat. It was so freeing.
Speaker 6: If I could do, I want to do more nude retreats.
Speaker 6: But I just feel like social media came a long
Speaker 6: way since then, and there's like everybody's recording all the time,
Speaker 6: even when you think you're not. Do you guys worry
Speaker 6: about that?
Speaker 2: We do know.
Speaker 5: Our retreats are typically at private places, like we take
Speaker 5: over the whole ship, so there's there's nobody there.
Speaker 3: But I mean we'll have We've had conversations like, hey, like,
Speaker 3: don't post anybody in any way that you wouldn't want
Speaker 3: to be posting, even if you would, like bitch, don't
Speaker 3: post anybody.
Speaker 6: Nick even that, just to be out of the guys
Speaker 6: like or under the gaze all the time and nobody's watching.
Speaker 6: Like it was. It was dope. I actually want to produce.
Speaker 6: If you produce nude retreats, I want to produce another one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, And the thing is we never we
Speaker 3: never advertise it that way, but when we get there,
Speaker 3: I'm like, and my titties will be out.
Speaker 6: We had like tontrare workshop and everything.
Speaker 4: It was so at the heat of treat retreat, I'm like,
Speaker 4: I want to go. We hired the dance tree, this
Speaker 4: plast Jamaica retreat.
Speaker 3: We hired to we have like sexy men greet the
Speaker 3: women with joints and drinks.
Speaker 4: So oiled up, you know, because what else. It's a
Speaker 4: good vibes thing.
Speaker 3: And these guys that we found, they're like, we can
Speaker 3: come back because we have some dance moves, because yeah,
Speaker 3: we do this, we're from Heato.
Speaker 4: I'm like, makes so much more sense.
Speaker 2: And the way they were dancing like.
Speaker 4: That was the actual move.
Speaker 2: God sits your ass.
Speaker 4: Down somewhere, but not.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think people underestimate, Like I always say this, like,
Speaker 3: nudity is definitely a like being unclothed is always like
Speaker 3: a like I don't know how to say, like it
Speaker 3: it represents how naked you can get in like truly
Speaker 3: with yourself, how vulnerable you could be. Like we're so
Speaker 3: used to being clothed, we're so used to wearing avatars,
Speaker 3: like showing up a certain but you're naked, You're just
Speaker 3: out here.
Speaker 4: So it's like it does require.
Speaker 3: A certain amount of like it's healing, vulnerabile, it is healing,
Speaker 3: it's super he just in your skin.
Speaker 2: Just going skinny dipping.
Speaker 5: I mean, so many of the women in our I've
Speaker 5: seen like the evolution of their nudity throughout like the
Speaker 5: Seven Day Retreat where it's like okay, like she's like
Speaker 5: wearing a bathing suit for the first time.
Speaker 4: Okay, like she.
Speaker 5: Took her top off for five minutes and then like
Speaker 5: day three, okay, she's about as naked at the pool
Speaker 5: all right. Day four now she's working by the kitchen.
Speaker 5: Now she's eating a full meal nude. Okay, we've all
Speaker 5: we've like this the evolution and then like there's just
Speaker 5: it does it?
Speaker 2: There's like this freeing, this freeing.
Speaker 6: Have you lived? You have not lived unless to me
Speaker 6: you just been but booty naked eating some what's the fry?
Speaker 6: Don't make Jamaica festival? It is amazing.
Speaker 3: I recommend it was just naked eating the festival or
Speaker 3: it was our gasmic.
Speaker 6: It's amazing.
Speaker 4: Do we need to do a clap?
Speaker 3: I might have to go back to Heito, bitch. Really,
Speaker 3: I tried to buy a day pass. They don't have those,
Speaker 3: so no, I still haven't gone. So one of these
Speaker 3: days I'm going to Heato, even.
Speaker 6: Though I feel like it depends on who's there. Yeah,
Speaker 6: whoever's there makes the whole experience.
Speaker 3: If anyone has a heat a hook up, call me
Speaker 3: Mandy oh right right, right, of course she does hosts
Speaker 3: me all the hook.
Speaker 2: Out to Mandy b We love her, we do.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Okay, so where can we get your book.
Speaker 6: You can find my book everywhere books are sold. It's
Speaker 6: called Unruly And you can follow me on Instagram at
Speaker 6: the Sila Marie. I'm on TikTok at the Sila Marie
Speaker 6: and you can buy me a Sela Marie.
Speaker 4: Dot com beautiful. Yeah, thank you so much for coming
Speaker 4: to thank chat with us.
Speaker 6: And I hope you guys get some rest after tomorrow.
Speaker 4: Definitely will definitely it's a must.
Speaker 6: Okay, get some rest and you y'.
Speaker 5: And y'all know where to find us at Good Mom's
Speaker 5: Underscore Bad Choices on Instagram. Make sure you subscribe to
Speaker 5: our podcast wherever you listen to podcasts, and if you
Speaker 5: are on YouTube, subscribe to our YouTube channel and check
Speaker 5: out our retreat, the Good Vibe Retreat. We have a
Speaker 5: couple's retreat coming up in June.
Speaker 2: We have a few spots left. So if you have
Speaker 2: a lover, whether it's a new.
Speaker 5: Relationship that you know you're trying to build the foundation,
Speaker 5: this is a beautiful place to really, you know, find
Speaker 5: your on your non negotiables, build your contracts with your lover,
Speaker 5: do sexy things, or maybe you're deep deep into your
Speaker 5: relationship and you need a little you spice it up,
Speaker 5: reignite it.
Speaker 2: Come join us in Costa Rica in June.
Speaker 5: And then if you're like I don't have a lover,
Speaker 5: I just got me and I need to work on me,
Speaker 5: then come to our women's retreat in Costa Rica in
Speaker 5: July and August. We have two dates and those retreats
Speaker 5: are almost sold out, so make sure you check it
Speaker 5: out at the Good Vibe Retreat.
Speaker 4: And I love you, love you, thank you for joining us.
Speaker 7: HI say, yeah, I'm living it so good, can't you sound?
Speaker 7: I went through a drought.
Speaker 6: That's until I found out, Well may my have been
Speaker 6: known earth.
Speaker 7: I used to be broke as hell, Now got the
Speaker 7: blues in incer like Beyonce Jasell throat shot or Pop
Speaker 7: in his car wearing our voices. Patriarch get kept it
Speaker 7: in the box to exploit its women put the pee
Speaker 7: in power. So it's pointingss. They want me to be good,
Speaker 7: So I made bad choices.
Speaker 2: Bad mom.
Speaker 6: Not a bad mom, but a bad mom. Fitter's in
Speaker 6: on thet Cannabis in.
Speaker 7: Their bathbone walked in bossus cap and I blew his
Speaker 7: cat ball hot dog.
Speaker 6: Now I'm immune to.
Speaker 7: The cat called Herbie and the waisted straight to it
Speaker 7: like a dollar sign.
Speaker 4: Mother, rent the number.
Speaker 7: When two, it looks like a water summer where you're
Speaker 7: rent the winter essential will when the summertime.
Speaker 6: I do what doll ain't know when I need to
Speaker 6: run it by