1
00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:04,320
Speaker 1: You do not solve all of your children's problems. That's

2
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:08,840
Speaker 1: the heart of love and logic. It's you want kids

3
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,840
Speaker 1: to make mistakes and you want them to pay the

4
00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:14,440
Speaker 1: consequences so they learn.

5
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:18,040
Speaker 2: Before we jump into this episode, I'd like to invite

6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,159
Speaker 2: you to join this community to hear more interviews that

7
00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:25,000
Speaker 2: will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. All

8
00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,400
Speaker 2: I want you to do is click on the subscribe button.

9
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,280
Speaker 2: I love your support. It's incredible to see all your

10
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:33,280
Speaker 2: comments and we're just getting started. I can't wait to

11
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,400
Speaker 2: go on this journey with you. Thank you so much

12
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,240
Speaker 2: for subscribing. It means the world to me.

13
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,440
Speaker 1: The number one health and well Inness podcast.

14
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:47,600
Speaker 2: Jay Sheety Jay shetty N. Hey everyone, welcome back to

15
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:51,600
Speaker 2: on Purpose, the place you come to to become happier, healthier,

16
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,200
Speaker 2: and more healed. Today's guest is one of our most

17
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,120
Speaker 2: frequent guests, actually the most frequent guest of all time.

18
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,360
Speaker 2: He's one of your favorite I know that you love

19
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,960
Speaker 2: diving into the science. I know that you love diving

20
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,160
Speaker 2: into the brain, and today we're going to get to

21
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,080
Speaker 2: put that all together with raising young minds. If you

22
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,440
Speaker 2: have a child or you're about to have a child

23
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,840
Speaker 2: or thinking about it, This episode is for you. If

24
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:19,080
Speaker 2: you want to know what impacts us, what helps us

25
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:23,040
Speaker 2: become happier, healthier, and more healed through our childhood years,

26
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:26,160
Speaker 2: This episode is for you. And if you're wondering about

27
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,080
Speaker 2: your own health and how you got to where you

28
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,800
Speaker 2: are and how you can make shifts and changes, this

29
00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:34,760
Speaker 2: episode is for you. Today I'm talking to doctor Daniel Aman,

30
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:39,760
Speaker 2: a former infantry medic physician, child and adult psychiatrist, and

31
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:44,280
Speaker 2: founder and CEO of Aiman Clinics, with eleven locations nationwide.

32
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:48,080
Speaker 2: Aiman Clinics has built the world's largest database of brain

33
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:52,280
Speaker 2: scans related to behavior, totaling more than two hundred and

34
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,720
Speaker 2: fifty thousand scans on patients from one hundred and fifty

35
00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:01,440
Speaker 2: five countries. Doctor Amen has written twenty national best selling books,

36
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:06,160
Speaker 2: and doctor Aman's new book is titled Raising Mentally Strong Kids,

37
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,560
Speaker 2: How to combine the power of neuroscience with love and

38
00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:15,240
Speaker 2: logic to grow confident, kind, responsible and resilient children and

39
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,560
Speaker 2: young adults. If you don't have this already, go and

40
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,640
Speaker 2: grab your copy right now. You're going to love this conversation.

41
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,720
Speaker 2: Welcome to on Purpose, Doctor Daniel Aiman, doctor Aman, it's

42
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:25,720
Speaker 2: great to have you back.

43
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,560
Speaker 1: Jay, what a joy. Thank you for helping me spread

44
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:33,520
Speaker 1: this message of brain health, brain healthy adults, brain healthy kids.

45
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,120
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, I've learned so much from you over the years,

46
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,440
Speaker 2: and I think anyone who goes back and listens to

47
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,920
Speaker 2: those episodes, there's so many great conversations, great insights. But

48
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,079
Speaker 2: I love that you're focusing on raising mentally strong kids

49
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,080
Speaker 2: because I know I get this question from our audience

50
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,160
Speaker 2: a lot. Now. Some of our audience are mothers and fathers,

51
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,280
Speaker 2: and some of them are thinking about it, and some

52
00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,760
Speaker 2: of them may be years away, but I know that

53
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,640
Speaker 2: it's something that even I sit and think about. I

54
00:02:57,639 --> 00:02:59,839
Speaker 2: talk about it with RADI what does it really take?

55
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,560
Speaker 2: And I think that it's so hard to know because

56
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,000
Speaker 2: there's so many theories. There's the way we were raised,

57
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,360
Speaker 2: there's the way our partner was raised. There's a million ways,

58
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,400
Speaker 2: and in the book you really break it down beautifully.

59
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,079
Speaker 2: And I wanted to ask you a couple of questions

60
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,440
Speaker 2: to get going. So the first thing I wanted to

61
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,959
Speaker 2: ask you about is that you talk about mentally strong

62
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:27,919
Speaker 2: kids live by clearly defined goals, and I was thinking

63
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,519
Speaker 2: about that as thinking how do you set a goal

64
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,880
Speaker 2: for a kid? And at what age does a goal

65
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:35,600
Speaker 2: become real?

66
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:41,200
Speaker 1: Well, the goal starts with parents. What kind of dad

67
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,640
Speaker 1: or mom do I want to be and what kind

68
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,520
Speaker 1: of children do I want to raise? So in raising

69
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:53,000
Speaker 1: mentally strong kids, I mean the first principle is you

70
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,120
Speaker 1: need to be mentally strong, right, you have to model

71
00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:01,920
Speaker 1: the message and iman clinics are first core value is

72
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:09,120
Speaker 1: authenticity and what does that mean to be mentally strong? Well,

73
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,400
Speaker 1: the first principle is clarity? Is you want to know?

74
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,159
Speaker 1: So when I was growing up, my mom was great.

75
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,480
Speaker 1: She was present, but there were way too many of us.

76
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:23,320
Speaker 1: There was seven. Third means irrelevant, at least that's what

77
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:29,000
Speaker 1: I thought. You know Prince Harry's book spare Well, in

78
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:34,520
Speaker 1: a Lebanese family, the oldest son is golden and the

79
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:40,480
Speaker 1: second son's irrelevant. Now there's huge upside to irrelevance, which

80
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,360
Speaker 1: means I could do anything I want. But my mom

81
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:50,520
Speaker 1: was present and fun and playful and strict, all good qualities.

82
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:54,360
Speaker 1: My dad was gone. And so when I'm thinking about

83
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,960
Speaker 1: what kind of parent do I want to be, is

84
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,840
Speaker 1: I want to be present? Because that caused a lot

85
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,719
Speaker 1: of bitterness in my life, And if you read sort

86
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:09,960
Speaker 1: of the latest neuroscience on child bearing, attachment is so

87
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:17,400
Speaker 1: important to prevent mental illness or mental health problems. And

88
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:23,480
Speaker 1: so if I want to be present, then that leads

89
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:28,080
Speaker 1: to the second principle, which is bonding, which is connection

90
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,960
Speaker 1: and how do you connect? And too many parents get

91
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,200
Speaker 1: that wrong and like, oh, well, let me solve all

92
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,680
Speaker 1: of my child's problems, which creates entitlement and disaster. But

93
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,200
Speaker 1: the first one is what do you want? And I

94
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,839
Speaker 1: think is a great question for kids when they're six

95
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,839
Speaker 1: or seven? What do you want in our relationship? Like

96
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:57,080
Speaker 1: I treat a lot of difficult kids. And one of

97
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,719
Speaker 1: my favorite questions to parents, how many times out of

98
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,400
Speaker 1: ten when you ask this child to do something, will

99
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:09,159
Speaker 1: they do it the first time without arguing or fighting?

100
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:15,440
Speaker 1: And seven is the average for healthy kids. So very

101
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,120
Speaker 1: few kids do something every time, right, But for the

102
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:26,440
Speaker 1: kids who see me, it's zero or less than three.

103
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,719
Speaker 1: And when I ask the children about this, seven, eight, nine,

104
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:35,600
Speaker 1: I'm like, is that your goal to make your mother cry?

105
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,880
Speaker 1: I'm like no, I'm like, why do you do it?

106
00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,080
Speaker 1: I don't know? And the fact is they don't know

107
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:47,640
Speaker 1: because it's not will driven it's brain driven, and that

108
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:53,480
Speaker 1: one concept all by itself. On top of which, if

109
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,920
Speaker 1: a child doesn't do what you ask them to do

110
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,560
Speaker 1: and you ignore it or you just repeat it, what

111
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:03,120
Speaker 1: you're doing is teaching them to do that, and the

112
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,040
Speaker 1: brain is lazy. So this is going to be a

113
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:07,839
Speaker 1: fun conversation.

114
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,920
Speaker 2: How about the people that would say that that may

115
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,360
Speaker 2: make children obedient, but it doesn't make them free thinkers,

116
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:18,520
Speaker 2: or it doesn't make them independently thoughtful. I think we

117
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:23,240
Speaker 2: sometimes feel like these two things work against each other, right,

118
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,800
Speaker 2: Like if we feel where like they listen to everything

119
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,760
Speaker 2: we say and they do what we say, then how

120
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,080
Speaker 2: do they build up their own sense of identity? How

121
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:31,440
Speaker 2: does that?

122
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,040
Speaker 1: Well, that's totally in the book on how to do that,

123
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,320
Speaker 1: and that is you do not solve all of your

124
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:43,080
Speaker 1: children's problems. That's the heart of love and logic. It's

125
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:47,120
Speaker 1: you want kids to make mistakes and you want them

126
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:52,800
Speaker 1: to pay the consequences so they learn agency. It's such

127
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:57,600
Speaker 1: an important word in lives. So I have six children,

128
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:04,800
Speaker 1: three of them are adopted. Chloe who's now twenty. She

129
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:11,040
Speaker 1: has a bit of a helion and argumentative, oppositional and

130
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:15,960
Speaker 1: I'm a child skiatrist and Chloe was two when Tana

131
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:21,120
Speaker 1: and I met, and I'm like, Tana, you've done second grade,

132
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,520
Speaker 1: but they would like go at it in a bad

133
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,640
Speaker 1: way for homework for like a couple of hours, and

134
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:32,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, and then Tana got a program. I co

135
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,240
Speaker 1: wrote the book with Charles Fay, who's president of the

136
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,280
Speaker 1: Love and Logic Institute, So she got parenting with Love

137
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:42,880
Speaker 1: and Logic and then took everything they ever created. One night,

138
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:48,600
Speaker 1: when it finally clicked that I've done second grade, she

139
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:52,120
Speaker 1: told Chloe she'd never again asked her to do her homework.

140
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,240
Speaker 1: She said, hey, I've done second grade. This is on you.

141
00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:01,600
Speaker 1: And if you're okay with the constant quinces of not

142
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,760
Speaker 1: doing your homework, missus mankr teacher will be mad at you.

143
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:08,640
Speaker 1: You won't go out to recess. And if you really

144
00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:11,800
Speaker 1: decide you're not going to do it, you'll make new

145
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:17,760
Speaker 1: friends when you repeat second grade. That was that epiphany moment.

146
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,600
Speaker 1: Chloe got upset and said, I never said I wasn't

147
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,280
Speaker 1: gonna do my homework. I'm just not going to do

148
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,880
Speaker 1: it now. She stormed off. Twenty minutes later, she came back.

149
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,480
Speaker 1: No one ever asked her to do her homework again.

150
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,680
Speaker 1: She's gonna graduate with a business degree from Javan University.

151
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:38,679
Speaker 1: She's bright, she's independent, she has agency. She's a hard

152
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:44,200
Speaker 1: worker and a free thinker. Because she couldn't push against

153
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:48,840
Speaker 1: her mother to solve her problems, she had to figure

154
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,240
Speaker 1: it out with of course appropriate support. And oh, by

155
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,520
Speaker 1: the way, to really push on this idea. If Chloe

156
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:59,280
Speaker 1: forgot her homework, there's no way her mother would bring

157
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,720
Speaker 1: it to school because then she'd only forget it once. Right,

158
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,160
Speaker 1: If she forgot her homework and we brought it to school,

159
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,240
Speaker 1: we'd always be bringing her homework to school. If it

160
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,520
Speaker 1: was cold out and she forgot to bring a sweater,

161
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,640
Speaker 1: nobody's bringing a sweater. She forgot her lunch, nobody's bringing

162
00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:19,680
Speaker 1: her lunch. We're teaching her probably the most important skill

163
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:25,960
Speaker 1: of mentally strong people. I'm responsible for my life and

164
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,080
Speaker 1: if there are consequences, I'm going to pay it. And

165
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,720
Speaker 1: you so you want them to make mistakes when the

166
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,360
Speaker 1: consequences are affordable.

167
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,000
Speaker 2: What age is that? Is that at a particular age,

168
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,480
Speaker 2: you're always there a time when.

169
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:44,600
Speaker 1: Four five, six, you know, earlier the better, and of

170
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,120
Speaker 1: course you're always putting you know, think of bowling alley.

171
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:53,760
Speaker 1: You're putting bumper guards up to protect them. But when

172
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,439
Speaker 1: I was a young parent, I think my self esteem

173
00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:03,080
Speaker 1: wasn't great, and I would get self esteem by solving

174
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:08,000
Speaker 1: my children's problems. And what I realized is I was

175
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,920
Speaker 1: robbing them of their self esteem, because where do we

176
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,360
Speaker 1: get self esteem. There's this great study out of Harvard

177
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:20,280
Speaker 1: where they followed four hundred and fifty four inner city

178
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:25,800
Speaker 1: Boston school kids for seventy years. I mean, think about that.

179
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,959
Speaker 1: I mean one of the longest longevity studies ever done.

180
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,200
Speaker 1: And they looked at what was going you know, with

181
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:37,560
Speaker 1: mental illness, with addiction, with self esteem, and the only

182
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,959
Speaker 1: thing that correlated with self esteem was whether or not

183
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,920
Speaker 1: you worked as a child, whether or not you had

184
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,760
Speaker 1: responsibility at home, you had a paper route, you had

185
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,320
Speaker 1: an outside job. When I was ten years old, I

186
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,640
Speaker 1: went to work because my dad owned grocery stores. And

187
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,280
Speaker 1: work is good. But for people who are affluent, who

188
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:03,920
Speaker 1: have helped home, and everything is done for the child,

189
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,400
Speaker 1: you're really setting the child up for struggles in their

190
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,760
Speaker 1: life because they won't develop a sense of agency.

191
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,360
Speaker 2: That's so interesting hearing that I've always felt that I

192
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,400
Speaker 2: started doing I was a paperboy when I was fourteen

193
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,720
Speaker 2: years old, and I remember going around the local streets

194
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,640
Speaker 2: and delivering the papers and it was raining, and it

195
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,040
Speaker 2: was you know, at some time of the year in

196
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,480
Speaker 2: England it would snow during the Christmas period and it

197
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,560
Speaker 2: was hardest because I'm pulling this like you know, this

198
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,679
Speaker 2: trolley we call it, I don't know what you'd call

199
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,280
Speaker 2: it here, but pulling this cart that has all the

200
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,320
Speaker 2: newspapers stacked in it. And then I worked in and

201
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,520
Speaker 2: then I worked in a grocery store, and then I

202
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,800
Speaker 2: worked in retail, and so I've been working ever since

203
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,960
Speaker 2: I was fourteen years old. And I couldn't agree with

204
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,360
Speaker 2: you more. I learned so many interesting skills, I developed

205
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,400
Speaker 2: so many amazing habits because you had to in order

206
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,640
Speaker 2: to do it. And that resonates so strongly with me.

207
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,120
Speaker 2: How do you get comfortable watching your child be uncomfortable?

208
00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,199
Speaker 2: Because I can imagine that's the biggest challenge, right as

209
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,920
Speaker 2: a parent who loves, adores, cares for this child, doesn't

210
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,200
Speaker 2: want it to be cold, doesn't want the child to

211
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,240
Speaker 2: be late for school, doesn't want the child to perform poorly.

212
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:14,000
Speaker 2: Your ego is somewhat attached to the child's ego and

213
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,920
Speaker 2: success level. How do you get comfortable watching a child

214
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:21,800
Speaker 2: be uncomfortable in a non unemotional way and not in

215
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,720
Speaker 2: an insensitive way.

216
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:29,000
Speaker 1: Sorry, you have to have the big picture of mind

217
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,920
Speaker 1: and the long game in mind. What do I want?

218
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,640
Speaker 1: What kind of parent do I want to be? Effective? Present?

219
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:41,439
Speaker 1: What kind of child do I want to raise? Independent, competent? Strong?

220
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:47,200
Speaker 1: If I do too much, I'm robbing them of their

221
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:52,400
Speaker 1: self esteem, of their sense of responsibility and agency. And

222
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,480
Speaker 1: that's a disaster you just don't want, and you need

223
00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:59,480
Speaker 1: to see it ahead of time. And that's why you

224
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:03,439
Speaker 1: know the first principles, Know what you want, and always

225
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,600
Speaker 1: ask your kids, So what's the goal for this year?

226
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,160
Speaker 1: What do you want? Right? It's not you're not telling

227
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:14,440
Speaker 1: them their goal. I mean an example, when I turned eighteen,

228
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,800
Speaker 1: it was the first time I could vote, and my

229
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,960
Speaker 1: dad told me if I voted for Senator McGovern the

230
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,600
Speaker 1: country would go to health. So in nineteen seventy two,

231
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:29,520
Speaker 1: Richard Nixon's running for reelection. He's a very popular president,

232
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,480
Speaker 1: even though it'll turn out to be a disaster against

233
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:37,640
Speaker 1: Senator mcgovernor. And I'm eighteen and I don't have a

234
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:42,400
Speaker 1: relationship with my dad. I mean, we're sort of mostly

235
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,960
Speaker 1: mad at each other. He's trying to have influence on me,

236
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,920
Speaker 1: but because we don't have a relationship, I just as

237
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,280
Speaker 1: soon piss him off right now. It wasn't my conscious thought,

238
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,000
Speaker 1: but I just as soon pens them off. And I

239
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,120
Speaker 1: voted for mc governor and the country went to hell.

240
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,800
Speaker 1: But it had nothing to do with mcgovernor. It was

241
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,320
Speaker 1: all nextcell on, water good, so on. But it was

242
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:09,440
Speaker 1: that lack of relationship. And if people do what I

243
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:17,480
Speaker 1: talk about in the book, you have more influence with them.

244
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,120
Speaker 2: Hey guys, it's J Shetty here and I couldn't be

245
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:24,080
Speaker 2: more excited to share this exciting news you asked. We

246
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,640
Speaker 2: delivered Juny sparkling tea with adaptogens made by my wife

247
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:32,680
Speaker 2: and I are now available in all Sprout locations across

248
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,080
Speaker 2: the country. Juni is the perfect midday pick me up.

249
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,040
Speaker 2: With only one third of the caffeine found in brood

250
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:43,040
Speaker 2: green tea, it provides a gentle energy boost without the crash.

251
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,480
Speaker 2: It only has five calories and zero grams of sugar,

252
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,720
Speaker 2: making it the perfect drink. Plus it's made with the

253
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,760
Speaker 2: delicious blend of adaptogens and neotropics. That may help boost

254
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,600
Speaker 2: your metabolism, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and

255
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:01,120
Speaker 2: stimulate brain function. Head over to your local sprouts ovi

256
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,960
Speaker 2: is it sprouts dot com to find the closest location

257
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:04,800
Speaker 2: near you.

258
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:09,960
Speaker 1: And that leads to So the first principle is goal setting.

259
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:15,320
Speaker 1: The second one is bonding. It's attachment. If you want

260
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,000
Speaker 1: to have influence with your children, if you want them

261
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,840
Speaker 1: to seriously consider your values, you have to be connected

262
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:24,840
Speaker 1: with them.

263
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:25,720
Speaker 2: And what does that take?

264
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:31,080
Speaker 1: Time Like actual physical time where you're not on your phone,

265
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,920
Speaker 1: but you put the phone away and you spend twenty

266
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,120
Speaker 1: minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise

267
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,880
Speaker 1: I talk about in the book that I love so

268
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,560
Speaker 1: much that you know all the things I've recommended to

269
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,360
Speaker 1: my patients over the last forty five years. When I

270
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,160
Speaker 1: decided to be a psychiatrist forty five years ago. Special time,

271
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:57,560
Speaker 1: it's magic and twenty minutes a day do something with

272
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:01,040
Speaker 1: your child. Child wants to do that's reasonable, you can

273
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,920
Speaker 1: do in twenty minutes. So it's like, not take me

274
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:09,520
Speaker 1: to Nordstroms. And during that time, no commands, no questions,

275
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:15,000
Speaker 1: no directions, It's just time to be together. And it's

276
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:19,560
Speaker 1: money in the relational bank. And I remember when I

277
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:26,199
Speaker 1: first figured this out. My literary agent had a child

278
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,000
Speaker 1: later in life. We were talking on the phone and

279
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,960
Speaker 1: he's like, my daughter, Laura doesn't want to have anything

280
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,880
Speaker 1: to do with me, and she's two, and he said,

281
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,040
Speaker 1: that's like a girl thing, right, a mother daughter thing.

282
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,720
Speaker 1: They don't want anything. I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her.

283
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,120
Speaker 1: What what do you mean I'm ignoring I'm like, you're

284
00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:47,919
Speaker 1: ignoring her. Do this and he said that won't work.

285
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,880
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, great, you represent an idiot. My own

286
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,760
Speaker 1: literary agent won't do what I say. Do it. In fact,

287
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,840
Speaker 1: I'm going to put you in my schedule for three weeks.

288
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,959
Speaker 1: I'm going to call you get the party started. And

289
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:07,760
Speaker 1: so three weeks go by, I call them up. Carl Daniel.

290
00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:10,880
Speaker 1: She won't leave me alone. As soon as I walk

291
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,359
Speaker 1: in the door, she grabs my leg and wants her time.

292
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:19,119
Speaker 1: All she wants to do is be with me. I'm like,

293
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,960
Speaker 1: that's a problem. That's what we want, right, that's what

294
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:27,240
Speaker 1: we're after. So actual physical time. And now parents are

295
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:33,160
Speaker 1: so busy they're not spending this one on one alone

296
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,440
Speaker 1: time listening. So that's the second part of it. So time,

297
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:43,680
Speaker 1: actual physical time, and shut up. It's so important. You

298
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,120
Speaker 1: love them so much you want to pour all of

299
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,639
Speaker 1: your knowledge, all of your wisdom that you worked your

300
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,560
Speaker 1: whole life on and downloaded into their head. Don't do that.

301
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,880
Speaker 1: Listen to them, and therapists learn this technique called act

302
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:04,720
Speaker 1: of listening that whenever someone says something, you don't interrupt

303
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,160
Speaker 1: and tell them how to think. You repeat it back,

304
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:13,919
Speaker 1: and you listen for the feelings behind the words. So

305
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,200
Speaker 1: if my son came home and said, Dad, I want

306
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,920
Speaker 1: to have blue hair, I don't know what your father

307
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,240
Speaker 1: would have said, but I know what mine would have said. No,

308
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,440
Speaker 1: when el, as long as you live in this house,

309
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,879
Speaker 1: so you can have blue hair. But what does that do?

310
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,160
Speaker 1: It just stops the conversation or it starts a fight.

311
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:36,400
Speaker 1: Active listening teaches you repeat back what you hear, oh,

312
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,240
Speaker 1: you want to have blue hair, and then be quiet

313
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:44,119
Speaker 1: long enough for them to explain what's really going on.

314
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,960
Speaker 1: And he might say all the kids are wearing their

315
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,240
Speaker 1: hair blue. Now I've been to his school, I know

316
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:55,080
Speaker 1: not everybody's blue headed. And if I would have said

317
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,639
Speaker 1: that to my dad, I don't know what your dad

318
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,480
Speaker 1: would have said, I don't care what anybody else is doing.

319
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,320
Speaker 1: As long as you live in this house, you're not

320
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,840
Speaker 1: gonna have blue hair. If they're going to jump off

321
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,160
Speaker 1: a bridge or you going with.

322
00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:08,800
Speaker 2: Them that you I've had that plenty of guys, And

323
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:10,359
Speaker 2: what does it do?

324
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:15,720
Speaker 1: Stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Sounds like

325
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:20,440
Speaker 1: you want to be like the other kids. Completely different conversation.

326
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,080
Speaker 1: But that's and he might say, Dad, you know, sometimes

327
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,600
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't fit in. Now, my mother

328
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,359
Speaker 1: would have said, what do you mean you don't fit in?

329
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,200
Speaker 1: Of course you fit in. You're a good boy, you're

330
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,040
Speaker 1: a good looking boy, you're a nice boy. And that's

331
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,760
Speaker 1: not helpful either. What's as helpful as so sometimes you

332
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,679
Speaker 1: feel like you don't fit in? And then give it

333
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:45,840
Speaker 1: a breath. So they're the one solving their problem. Now

334
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 1: at the end of half an hour, he says, I

335
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,760
Speaker 1: still want to have blue hair. I'm gonna tell them,

336
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,560
Speaker 1: no way in hell, as long as you live my house,

337
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,640
Speaker 1: because it's not cool to look weird. I mean, if

338
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,360
Speaker 1: you look weird, you're going to hang out with weird people, right.

339
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:04,920
Speaker 1: It's o to have boundaries around behavior. Some parents they

340
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:09,920
Speaker 1: have like no boundaries, and I think some boundaries are appropriate.

341
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:13,439
Speaker 2: What does no boundaries lead to, like from a neuroscience

342
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,240
Speaker 2: and from a study perspective of what is what happens.

343
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,359
Speaker 1: If you at least to mental health problems? So there's

344
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,920
Speaker 1: this great study out of the University of Oregon. We

345
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:29,119
Speaker 1: looked at ten thousand families and they looked at parenting

346
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:39,480
Speaker 1: along two dimensions. Parents who were firm versus permissive and

347
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 1: then hostile versus loving. And if you take those two dimensions,

348
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:50,400
Speaker 1: you end up with four types of parents permissive and hostile,

349
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:57,560
Speaker 1: permissive and firm, loving and permissive loving infirm. And they

350
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,560
Speaker 1: looked at what were the con sequences or the outcome

351
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,280
Speaker 1: of each parenting style. Do you have a sense what

352
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,959
Speaker 1: would be worse? What would be the worst one that

353
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,479
Speaker 1: creates the most trouble?

354
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,520
Speaker 2: You would think that it's hostile and permissive.

355
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,679
Speaker 1: Hostile and permissive the worst. What do you think is

356
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:21,440
Speaker 1: the second worst? Loving Impomis it loving and permissive? Shocking?

357
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:29,000
Speaker 1: Because children need boundaries and the loving and permissive ones

358
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:34,879
Speaker 1: had more mental health challenges than the hostile and firm.

359
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:41,600
Speaker 1: Now that's not helpful, right, that creates anxiety, But children

360
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:45,760
Speaker 1: need boundaries. Often say God gave us parents until our

361
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,320
Speaker 1: frontal lobes developed, right the front third of the brain,

362
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,400
Speaker 1: the most human part of the brain focus for judgment,

363
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:58,439
Speaker 1: impulse control, and that's why you need parents to help

364
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:04,000
Speaker 1: behind you. And one of the big mistakes we make

365
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:10,359
Speaker 1: as a society is we abdicate parenting before their frontal

366
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,760
Speaker 1: lobes are developed. So I'm like, not a big fan

367
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,920
Speaker 1: of sending children away to college because you're going to

368
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,639
Speaker 1: take their undeveloped prefrontal cortex and put them in a

369
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:27,160
Speaker 1: dorm with a whole bunch of other undeveloped prefrontal courtesies.

370
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,960
Speaker 1: Bad idea. And you know, I'd learned this as a child.

371
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:35,920
Speaker 1: Psychiatrists send kids away to school, the incident's anxiety goes up,

372
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 1: depression goes up, suicide goes up, addiction goes up, and

373
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:43,920
Speaker 1: it's not a good thing.

374
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 2: How were you able to go get around that with

375
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,280
Speaker 2: your kids going to college as well? Well?

376
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,760
Speaker 1: I mean, one of my daughters wanted to go to

377
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,440
Speaker 1: the University of Virginia, So always across the other time,

378
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, you have to go to somewhere I

379
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,959
Speaker 1: can drive to see you in three hours.

380
00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 2: Wow. Wow, So yeah, that's it's really interesting this limits

381
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,760
Speaker 2: and rules building mental fortitude that you talk about, because

382
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,439
Speaker 2: it's hard to know, I think as a parent, and

383
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,199
Speaker 2: it comes back to the earlier point that you were

384
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:16,240
Speaker 2: saying that we're just dealing with so much ourselves. Like

385
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:20,560
Speaker 2: people are busy, they're stressed, they are on their phone,

386
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 2: just trying to decompress after a long day. And what

387
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 2: I liked about what you said was twenty minutes of

388
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:31,680
Speaker 2: no questions, no commands, and no directions. That I think

389
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,639
Speaker 2: is really powerful and a special takeaway for people because

390
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,720
Speaker 2: it may be really hard to give quality time. But

391
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 2: I love the definition of quality time becoming no directions,

392
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 2: no commands, and no questions, because it seems like that's

393
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,919
Speaker 2: what our relationship becomes about with children. And what do

394
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 2: all of those do If your relationship is just giving

395
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,679
Speaker 2: the kids commands, directions, questions, what ends up happening to

396
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:56,439
Speaker 2: the relationship?

397
00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,840
Speaker 1: They shut down and if you're just in their space,

398
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 1: and you know, as a child psychiatrist, you know, I've

399
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,239
Speaker 1: seen thousands of children over the years, and often parents go,

400
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,440
Speaker 1: he won't talk to you, he doesn't want to be here,

401
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 1: he won't talk to you. I go, yeah, it's really

402
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:17,760
Speaker 1: hard to be me and I just sit there and

403
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,520
Speaker 1: I'll play games with them. But while I'm playing a

404
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,760
Speaker 1: game with them, in a game they choose, they chat.

405
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 1: You know, they talk about what's going on in their dreams,

406
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 1: what goes on at home, what goes on.

407
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:30,880
Speaker 2: What game would you play with them?

408
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 1: I mean, we'll play cards, we'll play shoots and ladders,

409
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,399
Speaker 1: we'll play Monopoly, We'll play all sorts of different games.

410
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,359
Speaker 1: And one of my favorite games is the storytelling game

411
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: where all they'll start a story and all they'll have

412
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,960
Speaker 1: a sentence, all of a sentence, all of a sentence,

413
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,600
Speaker 1: and you really get to see how their minds work.

414
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 2: Why does that work? Why is that a great interaction

415
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,440
Speaker 2: point that allows them to open up?

416
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,919
Speaker 1: Because kids, if you just say tell me your problem,

417
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,640
Speaker 1: they'll have no idea and they'll freeze. If you play

418
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,680
Speaker 1: a game with them, or you go for a walk

419
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: with them, then they begin to open up if they

420
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:14,159
Speaker 1: know you'll listen. And we just were in a society

421
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:18,200
Speaker 1: that's talking over each other. Parents are anxious and they

422
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,639
Speaker 1: want to solve things, and they talk too much. So

423
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 1: if I can get people to use less words and

424
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,440
Speaker 1: be more present, it's gold for them.

425
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,680
Speaker 2: How do you know if a child is becoming more

426
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:36,159
Speaker 2: mentally strong or more mentally weak as you're practicing some

427
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,879
Speaker 2: of these methods, What do you notice? What are the

428
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 2: habits or the core traits of a mentally strong child

429
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,399
Speaker 2: and a mentally weak child.

430
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:49,120
Speaker 1: So mentally strong kids don't believe everything they think. This

431
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,680
Speaker 1: is so important before another episodees, we've talked about killing

432
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:56,040
Speaker 1: the ants, the automatic negative thoughts. Actually have a child's

433
00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 1: book called Captain Snout and the Superpower Questions. I wrote

434
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 1: specifically to teach kids to question their automatic thoughts. And

435
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 1: so a vulnerable child, so maybe wouldn't say mentally weak,

436
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:16,520
Speaker 1: which to say vulnerable is you notice they have stinking

437
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:22,280
Speaker 1: thinking that they mind read, they fortune tell. They focus

438
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:27,240
Speaker 1: on what's wrong rather than on what's right. A strong

439
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 1: child still have those thoughts, but they'll question them. They

440
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 1: just won't attach to what I call the different kinds

441
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,800
Speaker 1: of ants. And blame is like the worst an you know,

442
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 1: it's you blame other people for your life. You become

443
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 1: a victim and you become powerless. What is it I

444
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,199
Speaker 1: can do today to solve this problem? And that's the

445
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:56,640
Speaker 1: essence of the book, along with love and logic, What

446
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 1: is it I can do today to solve this problem?

447
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,160
Speaker 2: Obviously none of us are perfect, and I think every

448
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:07,720
Speaker 2: parent is already judging themselves in how they are a parent.

449
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:09,639
Speaker 2: I think a lot of people carry that weight around

450
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 2: and they carry that stress around. If I'm not a

451
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 2: good parent, I wish I could have handled that bad

452
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,400
Speaker 2: I shouldn't have said that. I should have said that.

453
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:22,640
Speaker 2: What's a healthy way to repair a mistake you've made?

454
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,040
Speaker 2: Maybe you've said something you were should in, say you

455
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 2: did something you shouldn't have done, and you've done it

456
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:31,119
Speaker 2: a few times. What's a healthy way to repair that bond?

457
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:35,560
Speaker 1: Well, there's a guilt cycle that people get into. They

458
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,960
Speaker 1: overreact and then they feel bad about it. So they

459
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:43,440
Speaker 1: don't react and they let bad behavior go, and they

460
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:44,800
Speaker 1: let it go and they let it go, and then

461
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 1: they can't stand it and then they explode and then

462
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,560
Speaker 1: they feel guilty, and so they don't react and they

463
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,480
Speaker 1: don't react, and then they don't react and then they overreact.

464
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:58,840
Speaker 1: And so the trick is when there's behavior you don't like,

465
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 1: deal with it as opposed to let it go. It's like,

466
00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 1: deal with it in the moment, and you're going to

467
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:09,200
Speaker 1: make mistakes. Lord knows, I've made lots of mistakes, but

468
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:13,560
Speaker 1: every day I win or I learn. Right. I'm working

469
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 1: with an Olympic athlete that I just love so much,

470
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 1: Alicia Newman. She's a Canadian record holder for pole vaulting

471
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,640
Speaker 1: and it's just such a mess when I saw her,

472
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 1: she did my show Scam my Brain. And now she's

473
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:36,080
Speaker 1: so mentally strong because every tournament she wins or she learns.

474
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: And as a parent, that's the mindset is, you know,

475
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 1: we had a really great day, And when you don't

476
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 1: have a great day, why didn't we have a great day?

477
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,120
Speaker 1: And you think about it in the book, there's all

478
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 1: sorts of brain reasons why you didn't have a great day.

479
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 1: You didn't sleep, you went too long without food. There's

480
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 1: the time chain, you know that has more bad days

481
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 1: just because you know, as a society we become jet

482
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:08,600
Speaker 1: lagged all the ones. So if you can just be

483
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 1: curious rather than being furious, it helps you so much.

484
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:19,520
Speaker 1: So if we have a really great day, it's like, okay,

485
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 1: why did that happen? And just be thoughtful. And the

486
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 1: default is always firm and kind, and the softer you voice,

487
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:33,240
Speaker 1: the more they pay attention to it. If you're screaming,

488
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 1: they tune you out and they get mad.

489
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,920
Speaker 2: It's so interesting as I'm listening to im thinking, as

490
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 2: you gave in the example of the Olympic athlete, we

491
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:46,840
Speaker 2: need this for ourselves right now at this age because

492
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,520
Speaker 2: our child self didn't probably get this kind of parenting

493
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 2: or wasn't exposed to this. And so even that statement

494
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,920
Speaker 2: you just said that I either win or I learn,

495
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 2: I think that's a habby that any of us listening

496
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 2: to this right now need to develop, because I think

497
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:04,560
Speaker 2: just as we're harsher on children or harsher on someone else,

498
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:06,959
Speaker 2: it comes from a fact that we're harsh on ourselves.

499
00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,320
Speaker 2: Like there's this inner critic and this inner voice that

500
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:14,360
Speaker 2: breeds negativity, and as you said, the guilt cycle that continues.

501
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 2: It seems that that then becomes the externalized version is

502
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,280
Speaker 2: how we treat the kids, and then again we feel

503
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 2: guilty for doing that because we know it's wrong. When

504
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 2: you're trying to become mentally strong yourself, but you feel

505
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 2: like you don't have time. Your kids need dinner cooked,

506
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:32,600
Speaker 2: you need to do their homework with them, Like I

507
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 2: feel like there's a massive loss of time balance the

508
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:40,880
Speaker 2: ability to cater to this. What do people do when

509
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 2: they're like, Jay, I'm just surviving, Like I'm just putting

510
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 2: food on the table with just about even surviving for

511
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:48,480
Speaker 2: myself to be able to switch on the TV in

512
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,920
Speaker 2: the evening after the kids are asleep, like I get

513
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,360
Speaker 2: no time for myself. How do we balance that time.

514
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 1: That's why special time is not two hours with the child.

515
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 1: It's doable, your plan, the law game. And too often

516
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,400
Speaker 1: parents love their children so much. It's we're going to

517
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 1: do soccer and we're going to do dance, and we're

518
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: going to do music and we're going to and it's

519
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:16,000
Speaker 1: like stop that. You need time to spend with each other.

520
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,160
Speaker 1: And you're like, well, but I have to do my

521
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,280
Speaker 1: homework with the children. It's like, please don't. That's not

522
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 1: what the schools want you to do. They want the

523
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 1: children to do the homework and if they don't do it,

524
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 1: let the kids pay the consequences. But then what parents

525
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 1: do is they get into this fortune telling thing. It's like,

526
00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:38,400
Speaker 1: well then they won't get into the best preschool, and

527
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,320
Speaker 1: they won't get into the best school, and they won't

528
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 1: go to Harvard, and their life will be terrible and

529
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 1: like I went to a junior college, a community college.

530
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,720
Speaker 1: I'm actually in the Hall of Fame at Orange Coros College.

531
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 1: I actually think many people. Mark Cuban actually said that

532
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: it's like those people should go to a community college

533
00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:02,120
Speaker 1: because it's such a low cost and it's the same education. Right,

534
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 1: But people have this idea of prestige is attached to

535
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 1: myself esteem, and prestige is a French word comes from

536
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,600
Speaker 1: a French word for deceit. Right that I mean, I

537
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:20,560
Speaker 1: went to a community college. My life's just awesome because

538
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 1: I work hard. Right, And ultimately another point, you never

539
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,040
Speaker 1: want to tell a child they're smart. I mean, parents

540
00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 1: get so proud of yourself smart. Don't ever do that.

541
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 1: Go you work hard, because if you tell them they're

542
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 1: smart and they can't learn something, their self esteem drops.

543
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 1: If you go, I really like how hard you're working,

544
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,320
Speaker 1: and they come up with something hard, they work harder.

545
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:49,040
Speaker 1: And you also teach kids because mentally strong people ask questions.

546
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,760
Speaker 1: Then too often it's like I want to ask questions,

547
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 1: so I don't want to appear dumb. It's like, mentally

548
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 1: strong people they ask questions. And so when I was

549
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 1: in elementary squad, and never ask her question. And then

550
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 1: I realized because I was in the army and I

551
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,360
Speaker 1: took three years between high school and college and I

552
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,400
Speaker 1: was able to grow up, and I'm like, oh, you

553
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,160
Speaker 1: have to ask questions, right. I learned that in the army,

554
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,680
Speaker 1: if you ask a question, somebody says no, ask somebody

555
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 1: else because they're more likely to say yes. Right. So

556
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: I learned that don't just accept no. But in school

557
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,480
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, let me ask questions. But I don't

558
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:27,279
Speaker 1: understand something. Odds are people don't understand those? One?

559
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,319
Speaker 2: What are some of those other statements that parents say

560
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,239
Speaker 2: to kids that they think they're saying the right thing,

561
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:35,960
Speaker 2: but they end up backfiring because they make it harder

562
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 2: for the child to live up to that. What are

563
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 2: some of those other statements?

564
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,719
Speaker 1: It'll be okay, like or I'll take care of it

565
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 1: for you. They're having problems with another child at school,

566
00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:51,319
Speaker 1: they immediately in the principal's office. They're not listening to

567
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,040
Speaker 1: the child and going, so, how do you think you

568
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:56,640
Speaker 1: can handle that? Or what did they go? And they

569
00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:01,719
Speaker 1: fix it and that's that to their self esteem. Now,

570
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,759
Speaker 1: of course, if it's dangerous or bullying or abuse, you

571
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:07,239
Speaker 1: have to step in and take care of it. But

572
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:10,680
Speaker 1: for the day to day stuff, how do you think

573
00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 1: you can solve this as opposed to well, I had

574
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 1: that problem when you were when I was your age,

575
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 1: and this is what I did, and this is what

576
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 1: you should do. Don't do that because it steals their

577
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 1: self esteem, it steals their agency. What is it you

578
00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:33,759
Speaker 1: can do? I'm rooting for you rather than well, that's

579
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:34,719
Speaker 1: a dumb decision.

580
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:38,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I know I'm rooting for you. That's so

581
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:41,799
Speaker 2: huge in our friendships, it's so huge in marriage, it's

582
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 2: it's huge with kids. I think it's so easy to

583
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,359
Speaker 2: just say this is what I did, this is what

584
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,239
Speaker 2: you should do, this is the right way to do it.

585
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 2: This is easy. And we think we're basically doing a

586
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 2: shortcut because we're not listening, we're not actually bonding, we're

587
00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:58,719
Speaker 2: not connecting, and we're trying to jump to a conclusion

588
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,399
Speaker 2: that hopefully we think solves the issue. And a lot

589
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 2: of this comes back to what we both mentioned in

590
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:08,880
Speaker 2: this conversation is that there's this subconscious ego attachment to

591
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,800
Speaker 2: the child succeeding as being a reflection of our self esteem,

592
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:16,840
Speaker 2: our self worth. Our self esteem gets wrapped up in

593
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:20,120
Speaker 2: our child's self worth and self esteem, and now you know,

594
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,359
Speaker 2: subconsciously we're living our dreams through them. That's not as

595
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,799
Speaker 2: basically as saying I want my kid to be a

596
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:29,760
Speaker 2: doctor because I am. But there's other more subtle versions

597
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 2: of that. How do people disconnect from that ego? Because

598
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:37,960
Speaker 2: it seems to be so subtle and so hidden, but

599
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,239
Speaker 2: it's there, and I think everyone notices it with their

600
00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 2: parents when their parents are acting in that way, but

601
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:46,880
Speaker 2: almost when we become parents, we we're completely oblivious to

602
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:47,400
Speaker 2: that ego.

603
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:53,440
Speaker 1: And it's so important. It's often so toxic if someone

604
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:58,840
Speaker 1: is living an unrealized life that they pour a lot

605
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 1: of it into their child, and it makes these kids miserable,

606
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 1: and it doesn't give them a sense of agency. It

607
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: constrains them, and they often rebel against it as opposed

608
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: to what do you want to do? It'll make you

609
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:19,920
Speaker 1: a good living, so I don't have to support you.

610
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 1: And I love my six children, but I never want

611
00:37:27,239 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: to have to live with them, right, So I want

612
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:37,719
Speaker 1: to create competent people who can care for themselves. It's like, oh,

613
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 1: go live your dream, whether or not you can take

614
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,920
Speaker 1: care of yourself and that's going to set them up

615
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:49,640
Speaker 1: to be miserable. If you're dependent on someone else, you're miserable.

616
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:57,400
Speaker 1: Entitled people are never happy. Another thing is and I

617
00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: posted this on TikTok and a guy like seven million

618
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:07,279
Speaker 1: views hallmark of mental strength. I don't do things for

619
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:12,200
Speaker 1: people who do not treat me with respect. WHOA. So

620
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:16,839
Speaker 1: you know your child misbehaves, you love them so much,

621
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter you you know, give them everything they

622
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 1: want anyways, death. I don't do nice things for people

623
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:28,479
Speaker 1: who I feel don't treat me with respect. That doesn't

624
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,520
Speaker 1: mean you don't feed them. Of course you feed them,

625
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,319
Speaker 1: but you're not taking them to the store, and you're

626
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:37,480
Speaker 1: not doing nice things for them. I mean you need

627
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 1: to teach them their consequences. So the third part, so

628
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 1: it's goal setting bonding so much there and so many

629
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:55,360
Speaker 1: mental illnesses are attached to attachments that become broken.

630
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:57,360
Speaker 2: Could you woke us through this?

631
00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:04,879
Speaker 1: So? John Bowlby's sort of the famous attachment psychologist, and

632
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:10,800
Speaker 1: he said that if we're not connected to our moms

633
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:14,800
Speaker 1: or dads, it puts us a great risk for mental

634
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 1: health problems. And he's absolutely right. And often the break

635
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:24,359
Speaker 1: in the bond between your mother or your father, or

636
00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:30,000
Speaker 1: it can be any primary care ticker. Caretaker creates this

637
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 1: rage inside of you, and then you feel guilt about

638
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 1: the rage, and so you attack yourself. And you know,

639
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:45,560
Speaker 1: many people who live with this negative chatter in their head,

640
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:52,920
Speaker 1: and it's often that specific dynamic that they're furious at

641
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:56,640
Speaker 1: their mother, their father, you know, perhaps a divorce happened

642
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,799
Speaker 1: when there were four or five, or they had a

643
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:03,560
Speaker 1: sibling die when they were for something happen. They get

644
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,840
Speaker 1: really angry, but that's not appropriate because these are the

645
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:10,760
Speaker 1: people that feed me so rage, guilt about the rage,

646
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:15,120
Speaker 1: and then self attack and they live with that their

647
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: whole lives. I can't tell you the number of people.

648
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 1: And when you're four or five or six, you think

649
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 1: of yourself at the center of the world, and so

650
00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 1: if something good happens, you sort of think it's because

651
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:32,880
Speaker 1: of you. If something bad happens, you think it's because

652
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 1: of you, and you end up with this chronic sense

653
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:42,719
Speaker 1: of being bad. And there's a specific type of therapy

654
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 1: I like, it's called intensive short term dynamic psychotherapy, and

655
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:55,279
Speaker 1: it's often getting too the feelings underneath and rage and

656
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:59,960
Speaker 1: attachment and guilt about the rage are often a significant pace.

657
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:00,399
Speaker 1: He said.

658
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 2: It sometimes it's hard because I feel like a lot

659
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:08,759
Speaker 2: of people maybe feeling like, you know, I don't understand

660
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:13,080
Speaker 2: my child, like they're angry, they're upset, they you know,

661
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:16,759
Speaker 2: they kind of want to disconnect. What do you do

662
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 2: in that situation? Where do you start?

663
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,680
Speaker 1: Well? I think you first start with the simple things.

664
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 1: Time and look at what they're eating, because that matters.

665
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:33,400
Speaker 1: I have one patient who would go in a rage

666
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:40,319
Speaker 1: whenever he got red dye and people go red dye, yeah,

667
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:43,120
Speaker 1: red dye number forty and.

668
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 2: Like every sweet and candy.

669
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 1: To think of red vines, yeah, and it's even in

670
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:54,000
Speaker 1: coughs orp for children or hard candies red dye number forty.

671
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,080
Speaker 1: And he would go in a rage. And when they

672
00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:01,399
Speaker 1: would take away red dye, fine, but sometimes you get

673
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,719
Speaker 1: it accidentally and head rage. And so I actually scanned him,

674
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:07,760
Speaker 1: you know, that's what I do. I look at people's brains,

675
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 1: and so we scanned him no red dye for a

676
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:16,399
Speaker 1: month and his brain was healthy. We gave him red

677
00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 1: vines that have red dye number forty in it, and

678
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:27,359
Speaker 1: his brain went like it exploded, that dramatic hyperactivity in

679
00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 1: his brain. And so if you're really struggling with your child,

680
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 1: and you use the principles doctor Fay and I talk

681
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:39,680
Speaker 1: about in this book, and you're still struggling, is probably

682
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:44,600
Speaker 1: a good idea to get him assessed. And on average

683
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:49,680
Speaker 1: it's years between the time a child first has his

684
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:56,720
Speaker 1: symptom anxiety depression OCD ADD between they have a symptom

685
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,799
Speaker 1: and they get assessed. And so many bright people go

686
00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 1: and never give my kids drugs. And it's like, he

687
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:08,160
Speaker 1: is diabetic, you give them drugs. If you had heart disease,

688
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:12,000
Speaker 1: you give them drugs. It's like, and I'm not advocating drugs, right.

689
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: I mean, I own a supplement company, but I'm not opposed.

690
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,640
Speaker 1: If I do all the things I know how to do,

691
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,880
Speaker 1: then I use medicine to do it. People like don't

692
00:43:24,920 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: really see the brain as an organ, right, they have

693
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:34,040
Speaker 1: to get the progression your brain, physical function of your

694
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:38,520
Speaker 1: brain creates your mind. And if your brain's not right,

695
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:43,839
Speaker 1: your mind's not right. And so what are all the

696
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:49,960
Speaker 1: ways that a mind can be troubled? Right? So if

697
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:53,640
Speaker 1: you have a child that's not sleeping, that has nightmares,

698
00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 1: that has tantrums that won't go away, they don't socially connect.

699
00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:01,440
Speaker 1: They're obsessive. It's like, at some point you have to

700
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,239
Speaker 1: go what's going on in their brain? And there's a

701
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 1: whole section in the book on brain hell four kids.

702
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:12,000
Speaker 1: Of course you got to model it as a parent,

703
00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 1: but what you feed them matters. How much sleep they

704
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:20,879
Speaker 1: get matters. I have another really fun book called Time

705
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:25,480
Speaker 1: for Bed, Sleepyhead, which is a hypnotic bedtime story for children.

706
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 1: I actually used to do it with my daughter Brian

707
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,839
Speaker 1: when she was three. I did from three until eight.

708
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:35,359
Speaker 1: She loved the story so much. And think of your

709
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:39,360
Speaker 1: kids in four big circles. They have a biology, so

710
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:42,879
Speaker 1: we talked about their brain, they have a psychology, how

711
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:49,319
Speaker 1: they think, they have a social circle, what their environment like.

712
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:54,560
Speaker 1: And there's a spiritual circle, which both child Skyatrists wouldn't touch.

713
00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:56,920
Speaker 1: But it's sort of like why do you care? You know?

714
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,000
Speaker 1: Why do you think you're on the planet? What's your

715
00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:05,280
Speaker 1: sense of meaning and purpose? Because purposeful people are happier.

716
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,480
Speaker 1: Purposeful people What am I on purpose?

717
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:09,280
Speaker 2: Right?

718
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:14,960
Speaker 1: They live longer, And so nurturing those four circles so

719
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:17,480
Speaker 1: important for the kids.

720
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:21,080
Speaker 2: Is what does loving discipline look like? Because I think

721
00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:23,399
Speaker 2: it's it sounds good like we were all like, yeah,

722
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,160
Speaker 2: I would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to

723
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:27,719
Speaker 2: be loving. And often we don't even figure out what

724
00:45:27,719 --> 00:45:30,319
Speaker 2: that means in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're

725
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,719
Speaker 2: either loving or disciplined, but we're not.

726
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: I think it should be both. What does it look like, Well,

727
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:40,000
Speaker 1: you know, we haven't gotten to rules. I think families

728
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 1: should have them. Anxiety has rules, so like tell the truth,

729
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:47,520
Speaker 1: So do it, mom and dad say the first time.

730
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:51,200
Speaker 1: I love that rule because you know your chance of

731
00:45:51,239 --> 00:45:53,239
Speaker 1: abusing the child. If you tell a child to do

732
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:56,759
Speaker 1: something five times, your chance of abusing that child just

733
00:45:56,800 --> 00:46:01,360
Speaker 1: went up significantly. And so if you have the expectation

734
00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:07,319
Speaker 1: they'll do things the first time, it's like, Caitlin, you

735
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 1: know I want you to take out the trash, like

736
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:13,440
Speaker 1: in the next half hour, and if she doesn't, it's like, sweetheart,

737
00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:17,360
Speaker 1: you have a choice. You can take it out now.

738
00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:20,399
Speaker 1: We can have this consequence and then you can take

739
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:22,440
Speaker 1: it out. I don't care, it's up to you. And

740
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:25,680
Speaker 1: I love that part of not being attached to it.

741
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,560
Speaker 1: I love her, I'm really clear, and she's getting that

742
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:36,040
Speaker 1: consequence if she doesn't move, like stop threatening them and

743
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:41,960
Speaker 1: then not following through because you teach them that you

744
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:44,480
Speaker 1: have to tell them and get angry and be a

745
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,840
Speaker 1: bit crazy in order for them to do what she

746
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 1: asked them to do.

747
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,960
Speaker 2: And I like the rules and rhythms and routines. I

748
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:55,040
Speaker 2: remember in my home after dinner, me and my sister

749
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 2: were clean up and we had a little rotor of

750
00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,400
Speaker 2: who washed up that day and who cleaned the table

751
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:02,240
Speaker 2: that day. It's just something that went around every day.

752
00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:05,160
Speaker 2: We take it in tens and my sister was four

753
00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:07,040
Speaker 2: years younger than me, and we just do it together

754
00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:08,759
Speaker 2: and it became this thing that we just did, and

755
00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:11,399
Speaker 2: it became natural. It became a habit, and it made

756
00:47:11,440 --> 00:47:14,359
Speaker 2: us accountable and responsible to each other as well as

757
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:16,439
Speaker 2: well as our parents. And it was a really neat

758
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:19,400
Speaker 2: way of kind of giving us that rules. And you know,

759
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:22,000
Speaker 2: I think sometimes we think of rules as like strict

760
00:47:22,080 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 2: rules and guidelines, but actually it can be just a

761
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,319
Speaker 2: rhythm and a routine and.

762
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:31,920
Speaker 1: Building competence and skill and you're part of the family

763
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:36,320
Speaker 1: rather than you're entitled to live in that family.

764
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:36,680
Speaker 2: Yeah.

765
00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:40,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, And the earlier you start, the better it is.

766
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,040
Speaker 1: For kids. I mean, it's it's hard if you not

767
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,239
Speaker 1: spend any time with children. By the time they're fourteen,

768
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:52,240
Speaker 1: their friends are more important than you are. And that's

769
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:58,400
Speaker 1: the heartbreaking thing I've learned is if you're not spending

770
00:47:58,480 --> 00:48:02,319
Speaker 1: time with them, their friends will take your place, and

771
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:06,319
Speaker 1: they may not have the advice, they may not have

772
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:09,839
Speaker 1: the right ear for you, and it makes them more

773
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:15,320
Speaker 1: vulnerable to all the scary stuff that's on social media.

774
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:16,719
Speaker 2: Well, I was going to ask you about that. I

775
00:48:16,719 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 2: think a lot of challenges that parents have today are

776
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:23,319
Speaker 2: my child is addicted to social media. They're addicted to

777
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:26,160
Speaker 2: their phone. Forget spending time with them. I can't even

778
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:30,200
Speaker 2: get them to look up and make eye contact. What

779
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:31,880
Speaker 2: have you seen? What have you experienced?

780
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:36,840
Speaker 1: All section on technology, Yes, is you can have technology,

781
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:40,080
Speaker 1: and I recommend you delay it as long as humanly

782
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:44,440
Speaker 1: possible because it's not in their best interest. But you

783
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:47,040
Speaker 1: can have technology as long as it's not creating a

784
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 1: problem in the family. And if we're not connecting, that's

785
00:48:50,600 --> 00:48:55,520
Speaker 1: a problem in the family. If you're at dinner now,

786
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:58,640
Speaker 1: you can't be on your phone all dinner and tell

787
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:01,800
Speaker 1: your child that can't be on theirs, right, So probably

788
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:06,480
Speaker 1: everybody should put their phones away so you can connect. Right.

789
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:13,520
Speaker 1: Modeling mentally strong parents ultimately raised mentally strong kids. But

790
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:18,080
Speaker 1: the problem with social media and you're on social media,

791
00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:24,239
Speaker 1: I'm on social media. It creates the toxic level of

792
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:28,160
Speaker 1: self absorption. You know, who's looking at me? Who am

793
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:33,239
Speaker 1: I looking at? Who's following me? And self absorbed people

794
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:36,040
Speaker 1: are never never happy.

795
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:41,000
Speaker 2: But that's become such a challenge now right that it's

796
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,320
Speaker 2: it's the thing everyone's addicted to. It's the thing everyone wants.

797
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:47,719
Speaker 2: It's like you said, parents are on their phones. They're

798
00:49:47,719 --> 00:49:49,480
Speaker 2: not going to stop straight away. What do you see

799
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,440
Speaker 2: being the silver lining or the light and at the

800
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:54,600
Speaker 2: end of a tunnel that's going to have that breakthrough

801
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:57,319
Speaker 2: with a child, Like what do you think that would be?

802
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:01,719
Speaker 1: Well, you know, I'd go back to delay it as

803
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:05,400
Speaker 1: long as you can, even you know, if the child's

804
00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 1: like everybody's doing it, because everybody's not doing it, but

805
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:13,000
Speaker 1: it's like, I love you so much, I'm going to

806
00:50:13,239 --> 00:50:17,440
Speaker 1: protect you. All the studies, all of them say that

807
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:22,200
Speaker 1: it makes kids more vulnerable to bad things. And then

808
00:50:22,360 --> 00:50:22,759
Speaker 1: when it's.

809
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 2: Doing to our brain, what social media doing to our brain?

810
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:32,120
Speaker 1: Well addicting. Man. There's a book I love called Thrilled

811
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 1: to Death. It's continually pressing on your nucleus cuccumbence that

812
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:45,920
Speaker 1: produces dopamine, continually pressing on the pleasure centers in your brain.

813
00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:48,760
Speaker 1: But the problem with that is the more you press

814
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:52,400
Speaker 1: on them, they begin to become numb. And you need

815
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:57,400
Speaker 1: more and more excitement, more and more stimulation in order

816
00:50:57,520 --> 00:51:02,120
Speaker 1: to feel anything at all. And you know, I see

817
00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:05,760
Speaker 1: it with the wonderful famous people I've been even blessed

818
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 1: to see. I see it in kids who are I mean,

819
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:15,360
Speaker 1: they're actually programs sent And I've sent a number of

820
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:21,640
Speaker 1: kids away to video game internet addiction program and when

821
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:25,719
Speaker 1: they get away from it, they become sweet again. I

822
00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:30,120
Speaker 1: had one kid who parents took away video games. He

823
00:51:30,480 --> 00:51:33,719
Speaker 1: broke up all the furniture in his room, and I'm like,

824
00:51:34,640 --> 00:51:38,080
Speaker 1: needs a program. What we decided to do? Take away

825
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:42,120
Speaker 1: all the gadgets? Good? And I scanned him a month later,

826
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:45,480
Speaker 1: and then I scanned him while he was playing one

827
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:48,880
Speaker 1: of the violent video games he was addicted to, and

828
00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:53,080
Speaker 1: it deactivated his frontal lobes and his left temper lobe,

829
00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:56,840
Speaker 1: which is an area is often involved in violence. Like

830
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:57,919
Speaker 1: not a good thing?

831
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:03,160
Speaker 2: What what about parents that are you know, parents that

832
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:05,680
Speaker 2: are going through a divorce, going through a difficult time.

833
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,839
Speaker 2: What's the healthiest way to communicate that to a child.

834
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:13,840
Speaker 2: I know couples that are staying together for the children.

835
00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:16,040
Speaker 2: They don't want to get divorced, even though they don't

836
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:19,120
Speaker 2: have a healthy relationship. I know others who had the divorce,

837
00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:21,280
Speaker 2: but they're so scared about how that impacts the child.

838
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:25,280
Speaker 2: What have you seen through the neuroscience and research around

839
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:28,439
Speaker 2: when you're staying together or break So it's not good.

840
00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:35,160
Speaker 1: Divorce is not good for the child, But staying in

841
00:52:35,239 --> 00:52:43,200
Speaker 1: a chronically unhappy, conflicted, negative relationship is worse. So neither

842
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:47,520
Speaker 1: is good. I often say to the people I see,

843
00:52:47,680 --> 00:52:49,719
Speaker 1: the best thing you can do for your child is

844
00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:53,120
Speaker 1: love your spouse. The best thing you can model a

845
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: healthy relationship. But you know, there's no education in school

846
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 1: on how to have a healthy relationship, right, so there

847
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:07,960
Speaker 1: should be that would be helpful. When you go through

848
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:12,239
Speaker 1: a divorce, be really careful not to talk bad about

849
00:53:12,280 --> 00:53:15,600
Speaker 1: the other person, because that child is half you and

850
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:19,919
Speaker 1: half them. If you're talking bad about their mother, they

851
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:25,680
Speaker 1: feel bad about themselves plause it increases cortisol in their

852
00:53:25,719 --> 00:53:29,280
Speaker 1: body and makes it much more likely to be sick.

853
00:53:29,800 --> 00:53:34,440
Speaker 1: So bad thing often if you're going to get divorced,

854
00:53:34,800 --> 00:53:39,279
Speaker 1: go to counseling together and figure out how we are

855
00:53:39,320 --> 00:53:43,640
Speaker 1: going to parent together. Raising mentally strong kids is great, Like,

856
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:47,480
Speaker 1: we're going to parent this way. You know, we have goals,

857
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:51,319
Speaker 1: we have time together, we have rules. One thing we

858
00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:54,120
Speaker 1: didn't talk about yet is notice what you like more

859
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:57,640
Speaker 1: than what you don't. Right, there's my whole Penguin story

860
00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:00,800
Speaker 1: is in there, which I think I'll probably here before,

861
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:05,000
Speaker 1: but I'd love that notice what you like every day.

862
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:09,200
Speaker 1: You're shaping your child by what you notice. You're shaping

863
00:54:09,719 --> 00:54:14,200
Speaker 1: your partner, you're shaping your employees, you're shaping everybody by

864
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:18,279
Speaker 1: what you pay attention to. And so notice what you

865
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:22,280
Speaker 1: like more than what you don't, and that really solidifies

866
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:24,880
Speaker 1: the kind part of effective parent.

867
00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:27,800
Speaker 2: I've also been thinking a lot about I was sharing

868
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:31,960
Speaker 2: with some families over last week when I was doing

869
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 2: some events. This idea around how mindfulness and meditation can

870
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:40,080
Speaker 2: look very different for children, and so I don't think

871
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:42,359
Speaker 2: all kids need to be forced to sit in one

872
00:54:42,360 --> 00:54:45,880
Speaker 2: place and close their eyes. I also think that mindfulness

873
00:54:45,920 --> 00:54:48,560
Speaker 2: can be an activity of Hey, when you're outside today,

874
00:54:48,719 --> 00:54:51,680
Speaker 2: see if you can find as many red things as possible.

875
00:54:52,280 --> 00:54:54,000
Speaker 2: When you go outdoor today, come back and give me

876
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:55,680
Speaker 2: a list of things that you found that were read

877
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:58,360
Speaker 2: or can you find as many leaves that look like

878
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:00,960
Speaker 2: stars or any stones that look like stars today when

879
00:55:00,960 --> 00:55:03,440
Speaker 2: you're out and about. And I think mindfulness can actually

880
00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:07,279
Speaker 2: become alive when we're actually living it and breathing it

881
00:55:07,800 --> 00:55:10,040
Speaker 2: when they're out and about as opposed to this feeling

882
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:12,720
Speaker 2: of kids need to learn it in a set and way.

883
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:13,840
Speaker 2: What have you seen with.

884
00:55:14,160 --> 00:55:15,600
Speaker 1: Well and they don't sit well?

885
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:17,480
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, exactly, that's what.

886
00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:21,000
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean they have ADHD. It may mean their

887
00:55:21,040 --> 00:55:25,279
Speaker 1: nervous system isn't fully milinated. Right, it's not fully milind

888
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,360
Speaker 1: for people that don't know what that means. When you're born,

889
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:33,399
Speaker 1: you actually don't have much myelin in your brain. As

890
00:55:33,440 --> 00:55:38,280
Speaker 1: we develop, our neurons get wrapped with a white, fatty

891
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:44,920
Speaker 1: substance called myelin, and a milinated neuron works ten to

892
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:49,960
Speaker 1: one hundred times faster than an unmilinated one, and are

893
00:55:50,600 --> 00:55:52,960
Speaker 1: when we're two months old, our occipital lobes in the

894
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:56,600
Speaker 1: back vision become milinated. And so when you look at

895
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:58,520
Speaker 1: a baby and smile, they smile back. They don't do

896
00:55:58,560 --> 00:56:02,440
Speaker 1: it as newborns, because their visual cortex is in working

897
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:06,920
Speaker 1: fast and then slowly. Myelination goes from the back and

898
00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:10,480
Speaker 1: comes to the front when finishes about when we're twenty

899
00:56:10,520 --> 00:56:15,480
Speaker 1: five and so, expecting the child to act like an adult,

900
00:56:16,239 --> 00:56:22,600
Speaker 1: bad bad, But you can teach them self soothing techniques

901
00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:26,440
Speaker 1: from the age of four. I think, take a big breath,

902
00:56:27,719 --> 00:56:30,799
Speaker 1: really slow, slow as you can, breathe it out as

903
00:56:30,800 --> 00:56:34,920
Speaker 1: slow as you can, and that'll come when they get anxious.

904
00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:37,560
Speaker 1: So you know, yeah, what.

905
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:42,280
Speaker 2: I'm hearing from you today, it's really helping them develop

906
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:46,040
Speaker 2: the tools that they're going to need long term, the challenges.

907
00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:48,359
Speaker 2: We need to know what those tools are ourselves, do

908
00:56:48,480 --> 00:56:51,280
Speaker 2: them for us them for ourselves to really believe in them,

909
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:54,240
Speaker 2: because otherwise we, like you said, we rush to solve

910
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:58,200
Speaker 2: their problems. We try and make up for their losses.

911
00:56:58,920 --> 00:57:03,960
Speaker 2: They never get to become independent, resilient individuals. And talk

912
00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:05,920
Speaker 2: to us about where love fits into all of this,

913
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:10,040
Speaker 2: like what does love look like with your child? Beyond

914
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:12,399
Speaker 2: time and beyond certain things you've said today, What does

915
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,200
Speaker 2: love really look like? What does love mean? Because I

916
00:57:15,239 --> 00:57:18,000
Speaker 2: think when you think about what parents ultimately want, they

917
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 2: want to be loving parents. That's what everyone wants to do.

918
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:24,440
Speaker 2: They want to love their child, but love overcomes is overcompensating.

919
00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:31,040
Speaker 2: Love often translates as oversolving, overfixing, overdoing, and overwhelming and

920
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:34,280
Speaker 2: forcing them to be overachievers. And so even though we

921
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:36,040
Speaker 2: love them, we end up doing all these things that

922
00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:36,840
Speaker 2: cause them pain.

923
00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:41,840
Speaker 1: So love is when you want to bring their homework

924
00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:46,800
Speaker 1: to school, it's not because you love them and you

925
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:52,120
Speaker 1: want the best for them, which is becoming mentally strong.

926
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:57,880
Speaker 1: That's love. Love is putting away your phone and spending

927
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:01,560
Speaker 1: time with them. Love is when they go and when

928
00:58:01,560 --> 00:58:03,800
Speaker 1: they're ten and go, oh, my friends have a phone.

929
00:58:04,400 --> 00:58:06,800
Speaker 1: What if a school shooter comes and I can't get

930
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:10,320
Speaker 1: a hold of you. Children are manipulative, quite frankly, all

931
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:13,960
Speaker 1: of us are manipulative, and it's like, you know, they're

932
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:19,840
Speaker 1: just too many risks with that. That's love is setting

933
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:27,640
Speaker 1: boundaries in a kind, consistent way. And ultimately love is

934
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:31,680
Speaker 1: you developing these tools so you can be firm and

935
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:33,920
Speaker 1: kind at the same time.

936
00:58:35,040 --> 00:58:38,640
Speaker 2: Beautiful doctor Daniel Lahman. Everyone in the book is called

937
00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:42,520
Speaker 2: raising Mentally Strong Kids. How to combine the power of

938
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:46,480
Speaker 2: neuroscience with love and logic to grow confident, kind, responsible,

939
00:58:46,480 --> 00:58:48,880
Speaker 2: and resilient children and young adults. If you don't have

940
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:51,680
Speaker 2: a copy already, go and grab yours right now. Doctor

941
00:58:51,720 --> 00:58:54,040
Speaker 2: Dane Laman, what a gift to talk to you again

942
00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:56,840
Speaker 2: about this subject. Like we've said, you've had come on

943
00:58:56,920 --> 00:58:59,720
Speaker 2: many many times, first time that we've really doven into

944
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:03,360
Speaker 2: kids and raising them. And I'm so grateful that you

945
00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:06,240
Speaker 2: put this book together for everyone else to read and share.

946
00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:08,640
Speaker 2: And I hope that parents will develop book clubs around it,

947
00:59:08,880 --> 00:59:13,960
Speaker 2: communities around it, because I think there's conversation of raising

948
00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:17,280
Speaker 2: mentally strong kids needs to be at the center of

949
00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:20,480
Speaker 2: our schools, our homes, our families because it's going to

950
00:59:20,520 --> 00:59:23,440
Speaker 2: set them up and set our society and world up

951
00:59:23,920 --> 00:59:25,880
Speaker 2: for so much success. So thank you so much for

952
00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:29,200
Speaker 2: doing this. Honestly, thank you, my friend, thank you. If

953
00:59:29,200 --> 00:59:32,480
Speaker 2: you love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr

954
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:36,760
Speaker 2: Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to heal

955
00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:40,160
Speaker 2: emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

956
00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:43,080
Speaker 1: Everything in nature goes only where it's vulnerable. So a

957
00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:45,600
Speaker 1: tree doesn't go over it's hard and thick, does it.

958
00:59:45,600 --> 00:59:48,000
Speaker 1: It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.