Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we of
Speaker 1: course break down this psychology of our twenties. So there
Speaker 1: seems to be this like implicit, unspoken rush, this unspoken
Speaker 1: timeline during our twenties to find God, to have found
Speaker 1: your soulmate, found the love of your life by the
Speaker 1: time you turn thirty. It may not be said out loud.
Speaker 1: Your family may not be saying your friends may not
Speaker 1: be saying it. Society may not be outwardly saying it,
Speaker 1: but it very much does feel like if you are
Speaker 1: getting closer to thirty, if you're moving through your twenties
Speaker 1: and you haven't had many dating experiences, you haven't had
Speaker 1: much luck, you haven't found the one that you are
Speaker 1: in some ways falling behind, and that can lead to
Speaker 1: a lot of us going on as many dates as possible,
Speaker 1: really feeling the rush to find someone, feeling like dating
Speaker 1: is in many ways a numbers game. We really really
Speaker 1: want to have that person in our lives who we
Speaker 1: can trust, who are monogamous with, who we're committed to,
Speaker 1: who we can grow with, and in order to do that,
Speaker 1: we're kind of going to have to maybe kiss a
Speaker 1: lot of frogs. See a lot of people spend a
Speaker 1: lot of time on the dating app, swiping and matching
Speaker 1: and going on lousy first dates, going on incredible first dates,
Speaker 1: then getting ghosted. It can be incredibly overwhelming, and it
Speaker 1: can lead to something called dating burnout or dating fatigue.
Speaker 1: And that is exactly what I want to talk about today.
Speaker 1: What happens when for a long time, for a very
Speaker 1: extended period of time, you have just found yourself in
Speaker 1: a pattern of bad dates, of feeling like everyone is
Speaker 1: disappointing you, everyone is letting you down, no one is
Speaker 1: standing out, the apps unt providing, and yet you're still
Speaker 1: putting yourself out there as much as possible with no reward.
Speaker 1: To put it quite simply, I think it feels firstly
Speaker 1: exhausting but quite unfair when you are giving your everything
Speaker 1: to dating and it's not giving anything back to you.
Speaker 1: What I really want to discuss is what is the
Speaker 1: mental psychological, emotional impacts and consequences of feeling like you
Speaker 1: have to continue to put yourself through the dating ringer
Speaker 1: in order to find love even when dating is absolutely
Speaker 1: and completely exhausting you. How do dating apps contribute to this?
Speaker 1: You know, one study from twenty nineteen which actually examined
Speaker 1: the impacts of dating apps on our mental.
Speaker 2: Health put it really well. There is this paradox in
Speaker 2: modern dating wherein online platforms provide more opportunities than ever
Speaker 2: to find a romantic partner, but we are, you know,
Speaker 2: nonetheless still more single than I think we've ever been
Speaker 2: because of just the extreme choice overload that we see
Speaker 2: with dating apps, where it feels very abundant and we
Speaker 2: could go on a date every single day if you
Speaker 2: really really tried. But going on more dates is not
Speaker 2: necessarily getting us closer to finding the one, and that
Speaker 2: is where that fatigue really sets in. You know, if
Speaker 2: you spend countless hours over time at work pushing towards
Speaker 2: a goal and you never achieve it, you will be
Speaker 2: burnt out. If you spend hours at the gym working
Speaker 2: and pushing yourself, you will be fatigued, If you spend
Speaker 2: hours and hours with a friend who you know you
Speaker 2: don't really connect with anymore, but you are forced to
Speaker 2: really chat to and talk to, you will experience the
Speaker 2: same thing that we experience when we date for too
Speaker 2: long with little success and little reward, and feel like
Speaker 2: all of our cognitive, mental, even physical resources are going
Speaker 2: towards this project, almost that we no matter how hard
Speaker 2: we work, we're not any closer to finishing. That is really,
Speaker 2: I think, at the crux and at the foundation of
Speaker 2: why dating burnout affects so many single people in their twenties,
Speaker 2: with so many other things in our lives. The harder
Speaker 2: you work, the more payout you get. The harder you
Speaker 2: push yourself in your career, or in your studies, or
Speaker 2: physically or emotionally or in terms of your hobbies like,
Speaker 2: the harder you push yourself, the harder you work, the
Speaker 2: more time you commit, the better you get, the better
Speaker 2: the outcome. And dating is not the same. It is
Speaker 2: not the same type of game. I've heard from so
Speaker 2: many of you just lamenting at the fact that you
Speaker 2: never think you're going to find someone. You are completely
Speaker 2: and utterly dejected and rejected by the modern dating world.
Speaker 2: And I want to talk about it. I want to
Speaker 2: talk about why that happens, the impact, and the signs
Speaker 2: that maybe it's time to take a break. I also
Speaker 2: want to talk about my own experience when I was
Speaker 2: single and I was dating, and how absolutely frustrated I
Speaker 2: was with dating for a period of time, and I
Speaker 2: took a break. I took a six month break. I
Speaker 2: did a complete detox, which felt so kind of contrasting
Speaker 2: to what I really wanted, like I wanted to find love.
Speaker 2: Why would I take a break? Well, actually, it ended
Speaker 2: up completely resetting my perspective on dating. It ended up
Speaker 2: improving my resilience, improving my self reliance and my self esteem.
Speaker 2: And it meant that when I went back out there,
Speaker 2: I actually met someone wonderful. So hopefully you can learn
Speaker 2: from my experience. I want to teach you exactly how
Speaker 2: you can counteract dating burnout in the most counterintuitive ways,
Speaker 2: along with so much more so, if this is something
Speaker 2: that you are experiencing, as we always say, you are
Speaker 2: not alone. This is a very common phenomena. At the moment,
Speaker 2: the dating world and the dating pool is very limited
Speaker 2: and very shallow, So how can you find your way through?
Speaker 2: What do you need to know and so much more so,
Speaker 2: without further ado, let's get into navigating dating burnout in
Speaker 2: our twenties. I want to begin with a statistic that
Speaker 2: might scare you, might encourage you. I hope it brings
Speaker 2: you a sense of comfort and maybe even community between
Speaker 2: your fellow single people. Asudy done a couple of years ago,
Speaker 2: twenty twenty two interviewed a bunch of adults between the
Speaker 2: age of eighteen and fifty four who were actively and
Speaker 2: currently dating, and it found that seventy eight percent of
Speaker 2: them were experiencing dating burnout, with a further eighty percent
Speaker 2: of them saying that that was specifically to do with
Speaker 2: online dating. A further fifty four percent said that they
Speaker 2: had lost hope in ever finding someone on the dating apps,
Speaker 2: and twenty eight percent said they lost hope in ever
Speaker 2: finding someone ever. So, for such a big, complicated, but
Speaker 2: also common mental phenomena, it's interesting that we don't talk
Speaker 2: about it more. What exactly does dating burnout actually feel like? Well?
Speaker 2: I was going to say what does it look like?
Speaker 2: But I do actually think that it is truly a feeling.
Speaker 2: It's a gut feeling, It's a gut reaction. To a
Speaker 2: situation into an experience whereby dating is not giving you
Speaker 2: any more joy or satisfaction. It's not exciting, it's not
Speaker 2: fun as it's meant to be. You will feel like
Speaker 2: dating is a chore, like it's something you have to
Speaker 2: do each week. You know, go grocery shopping, clean my
Speaker 2: bed sheets, clean my house, go on a date with
Speaker 2: Bill from Hinge, Go on a date with two to
Speaker 2: three people to keep my numbers up because you know,
Speaker 2: maybe eventually this person will be the one. You often
Speaker 2: feel exhausted and hopeless when you're swiping. When you're meeting
Speaker 2: new people, there is this interesting experience where a lot
Speaker 2: of the time you're already anticipating that it's going to
Speaker 2: grow badly. You're already anticipating that they will reject you.
Speaker 2: In some situations, you even kind of hope that they do.
Speaker 2: You hope that they cancel, because you just cannot take
Speaker 2: another failed moment of hope. You cannot take another failed situationship,
Speaker 2: another almost their kind of situation. I want to return
Speaker 2: to this idea of feeling like when you're meeting new people,
Speaker 2: when you're swiping, that you can't even be bothered because
Speaker 2: you already anticipate that they're going to reject you. This
Speaker 2: is actually a mindset known as the rejection mindset, and
Speaker 2: according to a recent study by Hinge, found that a
Speaker 2: lot of us who are actively dating end up feeling
Speaker 2: this way and it makes us feel particularly exhausted and
Speaker 2: like the dating pool is particularly lacking of any promise.
Speaker 2: So a rejection mindset, it basically means that we focus
Speaker 2: primarily on all the rejections that we've had, and we
Speaker 2: start to believe that that pattern of rejection is going
Speaker 2: to follow us into the future. So we come to
Speaker 2: expect that whenever we need a new person, it's going
Speaker 2: to end up poorly. Those situations where it has before
Speaker 2: are really the first to come up in our memories.
Speaker 2: What does this end up doing?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: It almost ends up meaning that we reject ourselves first,
Speaker 2: because it's just so painful to be dismissed, especially romantically,
Speaker 2: that if it's coming from us, if we take ourselves
Speaker 2: out of the game, we feel like we are minimizing
Speaker 2: the pain. It can also bleed into how we are
Speaker 2: when we do show up when we are present. So say,
Speaker 2: for example, you're on an amazing date. It's going so well,
Speaker 2: there's passion, the spark, there's compatibility. The conversation is like
Speaker 2: buttery and smooth and liquid. It's just beautiful, a beautiful date.
Speaker 2: In the back of your mind, you might be thinking,
Speaker 2: all right, don't get too attached, hold back here, hold
Speaker 2: the horses, don't put your best self forward, don't put
Speaker 2: too much energy into this, because it's going to end
Speaker 2: exactly like all the last ones, and that can really
Speaker 2: close us off. Right naturally, it's going to close us
Speaker 2: off because when you are used to being so intensely
Speaker 2: vulnerable and allowing people to come into your life having
Speaker 2: that big or open heart, if you are experiencing a
Speaker 2: great deal of dating burnout or rejection, you're going to
Speaker 2: pretty soon, you know, learn that that is the easiest
Speaker 2: way to be hurt. It's quite sad, really, how our
Speaker 2: dating experiences can almost change our personality and how open
Speaker 2: we are to love. There was this really interesting study
Speaker 2: that looked into this back in twenty nineteen. Specifically, it
Speaker 2: looked into the rejection mindset and dating apps, and what
Speaker 2: they did was they put people in a fake dating
Speaker 2: app scenario. So these researchers literally recreated that made their
Speaker 2: own dating app, and they asked people to swipe on
Speaker 2: fake profiles and decide who they wanted to date, who
Speaker 2: they would like to day, who they were going to
Speaker 2: reject versus accept. They also had another condition, and this
Speaker 2: was in real life, and the participants got to meet
Speaker 2: all these amazing people, and they were told, all of
Speaker 2: these people already like you, they already want to go
Speaker 2: on a date with you. They've already said that they're
Speaker 2: attracted to you. That's why they're here. What they found
Speaker 2: was that the participants immediately when they were on the
Speaker 2: apps rejected a whole lot more people, expecting that if
Speaker 2: they were to you know, match with them, swipe yes
Speaker 2: on them, say yes to them, they would be rejected anyway.
Speaker 2: So they took themselves out of the game, despite despite
Speaker 2: not having any information to indicate that that was the case.
Speaker 2: Whereas in the other condition, when everyone was already confirmed
Speaker 2: to be available to them, the level of rejection decreased
Speaker 2: by twenty seven percent. Because of the kind of nature
Speaker 2: of online dating and how we anticipate other people's responses
Speaker 2: based on our own perspective or mindset, it actually turns
Speaker 2: out that we reject ourselves a lot more, and we
Speaker 2: naturally close ourselves off from dating, and the secondary finding,
Speaker 2: of course, was that this is more likely to be
Speaker 2: the case if the participant was reporting signs symptoms indicators
Speaker 2: of long term dating burnout. Here are a couple other
Speaker 2: signs before we move on to exactly why this tends
Speaker 2: to happen. Another really important indicator is if you have
Speaker 2: started contemplating what would really mean to be single for
Speaker 2: the rest of your life, if that is a scenario
Speaker 2: that is regularly playing through your head even though you
Speaker 2: don't want it to be the case. So that's the
Speaker 2: important distinction. If you're thinking about being single for the
Speaker 2: rest of your life with joy and a positive outlook
Speaker 2: and being like, yeah, actually I love that idea, and
Speaker 2: you're not dating at all. I don't think that's a
Speaker 2: sign of dating burnout. I think that's a sign of
Speaker 2: almost maybe acceptance of where you're at, an acceptance of
Speaker 2: what you want from your future. But if you are
Speaker 2: facing this like uh, pull and push this like tug
Speaker 2: between I just want to ditch the dating apps. I
Speaker 2: don't want to see anyone ever again. I'm just going
Speaker 2: to be alone forever, and then you know, the next
Speaker 2: week redownloading the apps. That almost feels like an addictive cycle.
Speaker 2: That is a sign of dating burnout, That is a
Speaker 2: sign that you keep being drawn back into the promise
Speaker 2: of maybe finding someone, but then immediately disappointed because you
Speaker 2: are burnt out. Think about it in comparison to a
Speaker 2: workplace burnout or burnout in a professional situation, where we
Speaker 2: typically think about it when we see burnout. There, what
Speaker 2: will happen is that people will take, you know, a
Speaker 2: day off. They'll be really really stressed with work, their
Speaker 2: boss will be like, no, just take a day off,
Speaker 2: and then they'll come back for maybe a couple of
Speaker 2: days and immediately step right back into the stress and
Speaker 2: feel like that day off, that time off did absolutely
Speaker 2: nothing for them, because actually they didn't treat their burnout,
Speaker 2: They just treated some of the symptoms. Same goes for dating.
Speaker 2: And the thing about this contemplation of a permanent singlehod
Speaker 2: status right is that it actually feels quite likely. It
Speaker 2: feels like this is a potential scenario, especially in your
Speaker 2: twenties and your early thirties, where there has been a
Speaker 2: cultural shift towards non monogamy or towards a lack of commitment.
Speaker 2: You can see that in the invention of new phrases
Speaker 2: like friends with benefits like situationships where there is more
Speaker 2: of a gray area when it comes to relationships compared
Speaker 2: to in previous generations where it was like, all right,
Speaker 2: there's three things, right, the single, dating, or married, and
Speaker 2: the shift the movement between those three things probably takes
Speaker 2: around a year or two. Of course, I think the
Speaker 2: trend away from that is probably very healthy in some ways.
Speaker 2: You know, it indicates that we aren't just marrying the
Speaker 2: first person that we meet and then enduring perhaps an
Speaker 2: unhappy situation for the next sixty years. But it's true
Speaker 2: there is a lower, lesser tendency towards commitment in this generation,
Speaker 2: and a twenty twenty three study found that millennials and
Speaker 2: Gen z we are much less likely to be looking
Speaker 2: for monogamy or to state that monogamy or commitment are
Speaker 2: one of our top dating priorities. So this contemplation of like,
Speaker 2: am I maybe going to be single forever? And perhaps
Speaker 2: a almost like fear of that and a sense of panic,
Speaker 2: but then also a sense of disappointment when you try
Speaker 2: and counteract that by dating. That's a big sign of
Speaker 2: dating burnout, just being exhausted, being tired, you're sick of
Speaker 2: telling your friends about your first dates. You're sick of
Speaker 2: going to you know, having to get dressed up every
Speaker 2: single night. It's not exciting. So why does this happen? Well,
Speaker 2: we've talked about this briefly, but the biggest reason that
Speaker 2: we experience dating burnout is because we continue to put
Speaker 2: ourselves in a situation that is not fulfilling. Because of
Speaker 2: this pressure to find someone, Our society overly invests and
Speaker 2: places a huge preference on romantic love over anything else.
Speaker 2: It is always at the center. So what that means
Speaker 2: is that when you are not dating, you kind of
Speaker 2: feel like you're letting maybe society down. This is a
Speaker 2: priority that you should be having, and so not doing
Speaker 2: it means that you're falling behind means that you're losing out.
Speaker 2: Maybe there is an element of fomo there, and so
Speaker 2: you continue to do so, You continue to go on
Speaker 2: the bad dates, You continue to be kind of like
Speaker 2: almost just dipping your toe in the water, even though
Speaker 2: you would prefer not to get wet, because there is
Speaker 2: this expectation and pressure to find someone. We also experience
Speaker 2: dating better app because meeting new people constantly, especially people
Speaker 2: where you kind of have to contemplate a potential or
Speaker 2: think about their potential as a mate or as a partner.
Speaker 2: That is incredibly emotionally draining, especially if you don't have
Speaker 2: the spoons or if you're introverted. Oh my god, dating
Speaker 2: is such a time investment, Like it is an incredible
Speaker 2: time investment. Even if you're only going on like one
Speaker 2: date a week, one date a month, that can still
Speaker 2: be three to four hours of getting ready, if getting there,
Speaker 2: or having to talk to someone. I don't know if
Speaker 2: I even have that much time for some of my
Speaker 2: closest friends at times in my life, you know, having
Speaker 2: to fit in dating with having a fulfilling social life,
Speaker 2: having hobbies, talking to your family, making sure that you're working,
Speaker 2: running your side hustle, taking care of yourself. Now, that
Speaker 2: is hard. And so when it feels like the rest
Speaker 2: of our plate is already stacked up with things, and
Speaker 2: yet here we are dating and feeling like we're just
Speaker 2: constantly pushing this heavy rock up a hill with no success,
Speaker 2: Inevitably we're going to feel pretty fatigued by that situation. Finally,
Speaker 2: I think dating burnout occurs because with each new person
Speaker 2: you meet, you do have to be on, but there
Speaker 2: is also this pressure to come off as a certain person,
Speaker 2: to come off as your best self. If you've got
Speaker 2: to remember, you know, dating, regardless of your investment in it,
Speaker 2: still does feel like it has quite high stakes, Like
Speaker 2: you know, the next date you go on that could
Speaker 2: be your soulmate. And so there is a real sense
Speaker 2: that when you show up you have to be giving everything.
Speaker 2: And sometimes that creates a lot of pressure as well.
Speaker 2: I keep using the word pressure. It create you place
Speaker 2: an expectation on yourself to really show up perfectly and
Speaker 2: to really be impressive, and to be on maybe to
Speaker 2: be a little bit fake because they might like that
Speaker 2: version of you more. That takes a lot of energy
Speaker 2: to do that constantly, to do that for a slew
Speaker 2: of new people every month, every year. It all ends
Speaker 2: up taking its toll. And of course it takes it's
Speaker 2: toll primarily emotionally because it's just kind of like all
Speaker 2: this energy that you would rather protect for yourself as
Speaker 2: being leached out, but also like physically and socially, if
Speaker 2: you don't have the battery, you don't have the time,
Speaker 2: you don't have the resources cognitively to invest in this.
Speaker 2: So that is basically what leads us to a point
Speaker 2: of burnout to that place of just feel completely dejected, disappointed, frustrated,
Speaker 2: but almost feeling like you have to continue participating in
Speaker 2: this activity in order to be meeting society's expectations or
Speaker 2: in order to get the thing that you want, Like
Speaker 2: you want to be loved. Why does the process in
Speaker 2: order to get there feel so grueling. It doesn't have
Speaker 2: to feel that way. And that is my big promise
Speaker 2: to you today. Dating does not have to feel like
Speaker 2: a chore. It doesn't have to feel like a punishment
Speaker 2: or at prison. It can be fun. You can bring
Speaker 2: the joy and the spark and the excitement back into it.
Speaker 2: So I want to talk about how to counteract dating
Speaker 2: burnout and how to actually be more successful in your
Speaker 2: dating life after this short break. I really think that
Speaker 2: if you're struggling with this at the moment, if you
Speaker 2: just feel like every day you go on is a dud,
Speaker 2: every person is disappointing you, it never works out. It's
Speaker 2: not you. It is the entire culture of dating that
Speaker 2: has made it feel very transactional, very fast, very convenient,
Speaker 2: and ultimately disappointing. So I really reached this point probably
Speaker 2: like two and a half years ago, where it had
Speaker 2: just been like back to back situationships, back to back,
Speaker 2: you know, four to five date situations where you're just
Speaker 2: about to get your hopes up and you're like, yeah,
Speaker 2: maybe I like have met my person, and no I
Speaker 2: have not, and you're disappointed and you're let downlet again
Speaker 2: yet again, and you know, there is this almost like
Speaker 2: emotional vulnerability hangover for a couple of weeks, and then
Speaker 2: you're like, no, I'm not going to let this get
Speaker 2: me down. I want to find love, so I'm going
Speaker 2: to get back out there, and the cycle repeats itself.
Speaker 2: I found that I was getting I was way too
Speaker 2: attached to the people that I was matching with, all
Speaker 2: the people that I was meeting, because in them there
Speaker 2: was this whole great future that they could unlock. You know,
Speaker 2: if they were the one, suddenly all my woes with
Speaker 2: dating would be over. I would be kind of able
Speaker 2: to tick this off my list. I could rest easy,
Speaker 2: I would have love and great, I'd done the thing
Speaker 2: that I needed to do. And I just had this
Speaker 2: epiphany that that was the complete incorrect attitude. It was
Speaker 2: the incorrect attitude because anyone could come along and be
Speaker 2: let straight through the door into my heart, into my
Speaker 2: life because I was so done with being single and
Speaker 2: I was so sick of dating. This is what I did.
Speaker 2: I did a complete six month hiatus. Previously I had
Speaker 2: tried to do this, but I would, you know, get
Speaker 2: in like a couple of weeks and then I'd redownload
Speaker 2: the apps, or I would like find myself flooding with
Speaker 2: someone or going on like a couple of dates, and
Speaker 2: it was right back to the beginning. So I made
Speaker 2: a promise. I said, I'm going to give myself six
Speaker 2: months to not talk to anyone in a romantic sense,
Speaker 2: even if someone happens to come along during that time. Actually,
Speaker 2: we're going to have a real hard line that no,
Speaker 2: the door is not open, the heart is not open.
Speaker 2: This is a time for me to reprogram and really
Speaker 2: dig around in my brain and dig around in my
Speaker 2: heart as to why I've become very susceptible to this
Speaker 2: way of dating, in this sense of rejection and disappointment.
Speaker 2: So I started, and I did six months successfully of
Speaker 2: no dating, complete dating hiatus, a dating detox. And it
Speaker 2: was really really hard, especially since I'd spent my entire
Speaker 2: adult life always like going on dates and being present romantically.
Speaker 2: That that was a huge component of my social life
Speaker 2: and who I was. But I found that it was
Speaker 2: incredibly freeing. It was incredibly freeing, and it made me
Speaker 2: realize how reliant I was on the validation of these
Speaker 2: people to get me through the day and to ensure
Speaker 2: that I was confident and assertive and that I felt
Speaker 2: good about myself. And suddenly, when I no longer had
Speaker 2: that source of validation, as simple and shallow as that
Speaker 2: validation was, I had to really get deeper, and I
Speaker 2: had to become more of my own best friend and
Speaker 2: more of my own lover. And I know that sounds
Speaker 2: quite strange, like I was my own lover, but I
Speaker 2: really was for that six month period. And then guess
Speaker 2: what happened, Almost like clockwork, I finished the sixth month
Speaker 2: dating hiatus. I think I met someone, Like two weeks later,
Speaker 2: I think I think I met someone, not someone I
Speaker 2: met like the love of my life. I met the
Speaker 2: man that I am still with. It's a bit been
Speaker 2: like a year and a half. We're still together. We're
Speaker 2: so so strong. And I'm not saying that it was
Speaker 2: my period of my dating hiatus that led me there.
Speaker 2: What I am saying is that it was my change
Speaker 2: in attitude. It wasn't that I suddenly came back and
Speaker 2: there was all these more options. No, it was that
Speaker 2: I came into it with a much more relaxed attitude,
Speaker 2: a much more relaxed state of mind, and it meant
Speaker 2: that I was more authentic. When I did actually meet
Speaker 2: Tom my partner, I was more authentic and I didn't
Speaker 2: get attached and put so much pressure on the early
Speaker 2: days of our relationship, which meant that it was actually
Speaker 2: able to blossom and we actually were able to form
Speaker 2: a connection that wasn't based on this real fear factor
Speaker 2: for me or this real loneliness factor. It was organic.
Speaker 2: Although you know, we did meete on a dating app like,
Speaker 2: it felt like the connection was not artificial. The other
Speaker 2: component of this was that I really actually had fun.
Speaker 2: I did go on like some dates with other people
Speaker 2: around that time, and it was fun. It was fun,
Speaker 2: and it was easy to be like no, I don't
Speaker 2: want to see you again, or like yeah, why not
Speaker 2: without me being like okay, is this the one contemplating
Speaker 2: the wedding? And so I think also that six month
Speaker 2: period or however long you would like to take, is
Speaker 2: also the time that if we were considering burnout in
Speaker 2: a normal sense is probably the timeline that most of
Speaker 2: us would be on. Six months to a year. I
Speaker 2: would say that is how long it takes to recover
Speaker 2: from normal burnout, because you really have to completely heal
Speaker 2: and rejuvenate and pour energy and pour love back into
Speaker 2: the places in which these resources have been depleted by
Speaker 2: your situation. The other thing that I think really helps
Speaker 2: us get over dating burnout is to take a step
Speaker 2: back firstly and really focus on what you're looking for,
Speaker 2: What do you actually want. Not every single person that
Speaker 2: you're going to come across deserves a first date, to
Speaker 2: be honest, deserves a first message. You cannot see the
Speaker 2: potential in people from a profile or from a first
Speaker 2: meeting and expect them to follow on with that potential
Speaker 2: and to completely fulfill it based on your expectations. You've
Speaker 2: got to trust that the first not the first thing
Speaker 2: you see of them, but the information that they give
Speaker 2: you initially is the truth. So if you are looking
Speaker 2: at a dating profile and this person just looks a
Speaker 2: bit off and it says, you know, I'm not looking
Speaker 2: for monogamy, oh I like I drink a lot and
Speaker 2: you don't, or like, oh yeah, I live here and
Speaker 2: it's quite far from you, but all you're seeing is potential.
Speaker 2: You're gonna be like, yeah, Okay, I'll go on a
Speaker 2: date with this person and you're going to make time
Speaker 2: for them in your day. You're gonna make time for
Speaker 2: them in your week, and they are going to be disappointing.
Speaker 2: And then you're gonna look at yourself and be like,
Speaker 2: what's wrong with me? Like, what's wrong with me?
Speaker 1: Nothing?
Speaker 2: Nothing is wrong with you, Nothing is wrong with you.
Speaker 2: Other than that, perhaps you need to reconsider why it
Speaker 2: is that you are allowing these people to come into
Speaker 2: your life. Because in those interactions where they are on
Speaker 2: a date with you, they are talking to you, they
Speaker 2: are with you, present with you. That is taking something
Speaker 2: from you. That is taking, you know, a part of
Speaker 2: you that could have been expended elsewhere, that could have
Speaker 2: been used elsewhere, a part of your day that could
Speaker 2: have been invested elsewhere. So I want you, right now,
Speaker 2: if you are actively dating, to really sit down and
Speaker 2: write five things that you absolutely definitely want in a partner,
Speaker 2: Five things that really matter to you that you will
Speaker 2: not compromise on. And if you can't, think of five
Speaker 2: things that might be a problem that might be indicative
Speaker 2: that actually, you know you're you're not picky enough. I
Speaker 2: think each person should have at least five deal breakers. Otherwise,
Speaker 2: again you get into that scenario that I was very
Speaker 2: much into. This isn't I really hope this isn't coming
Speaker 2: off as coming from a place of judgment, But I
Speaker 2: myself was in that position where I had like two
Speaker 2: things that I was like, yeah, this is a deal breaker,
Speaker 2: but it actually meant that, you know, the fishing net
Speaker 2: was quite wide when really I needed to be using
Speaker 2: a fishing pole and going selectively for certain peace people
Speaker 2: who I know I would be quite compatible with. So
Speaker 2: get clear on what you want. Take the pressure off
Speaker 2: by taking a break. Those are my first two steps.
Speaker 2: I also think that when you go on a bad date,
Speaker 2: when something doesn't work out, don't let it ruin your
Speaker 2: perspective on everything. Don't let it be the defining experience
Speaker 2: for you. Something that really helped me, because you know,
Speaker 2: rejection does happen in this cutthroatating world. Something that really
Speaker 2: helped me build my resilience, because you need a whole
Speaker 2: lot of resilience if you're dating in this decade was
Speaker 2: to have statements that I would repeat to myself after
Speaker 2: something didn't work out. One of the ones I remember
Speaker 2: using was I am love, so love will find me,
Speaker 2: but it's not all that defines me. I am love,
Speaker 2: so love will find me, but it's not all that
Speaker 2: defines me, And that was really really important and valuable.
Speaker 2: I also did affirmations of like, I attract beautiful people
Speaker 2: because I am a beautiful person. The love I pour
Speaker 2: into will be poured back into myself. What were some
Speaker 2: others someone? Oh, you know, just small things like someone's
Speaker 2: inability to see my value doesn't mean that it's not there.
Speaker 2: That was a great one, and also it was very
Speaker 2: validating to remind myself that there are so many people
Speaker 2: in this world. It is impossible for me to be
Speaker 2: an end. For you to go about your life and
Speaker 2: not eventually encounter someone who thinks you're freaking amazing. And
Speaker 2: if you have an open heart, if you're not burnt out,
Speaker 2: if you're actually excited about the prospect, if you know
Speaker 2: what you want, if you know what you want, not
Speaker 2: what the other person wants, You know what you want,
Speaker 2: that might actually be exactly what you need. It might
Speaker 2: be where the spark really catches is when you're prepared. Finally,
Speaker 2: I really want you to let go of the timeline.
Speaker 2: As I said at the very beginning of this episode,
Speaker 2: many people consciously or unconsciously subscribe to an internal dating timeline.
Speaker 2: You want to meet someone by twenty five, get engaged
Speaker 2: by twenty eight, get married by thirty, etc. Etc. That timeline,
Speaker 2: which feels imposed on all of us, is arbitrary. It's
Speaker 2: actually a social construct, and it's very detrimental to your
Speaker 2: dating success. Anytime we place these concrete limits on ourselves,
Speaker 2: however they may look, we also place limits on our
Speaker 2: sense of curiosity, our sense of fun or excitement, not
Speaker 2: just when it comes to love, but when it comes
Speaker 2: to anything. When it starts to feel like a job
Speaker 2: or it starts to feel like there is something restricting
Speaker 2: our freedom within that space, Suddenly it's a task that
Speaker 2: needs to be completed or ticked off. It's something that
Speaker 2: is very rigid and very defined and inflexible, and so
Speaker 2: that becomes a lot less enjoyable. It's like when you
Speaker 2: have a hobby or like a creative skill or something
Speaker 2: that you really love doing. As soon as that becomes
Speaker 2: like a job, as soon as you feel like you
Speaker 2: have to do it, that all the enjoyment gets sucked
Speaker 2: out pretty quickly. So see the timeline. Acknowledge the timeline.
Speaker 2: Acknowledge that people are going to perhaps I don't know.
Speaker 2: Still try and enforce the timeline on you and remind
Speaker 2: yourself that there are a lot of people who do
Speaker 2: not meet that timeline and still have very fulfilling, deep love,
Speaker 2: who still have all the things that they enjoy and
Speaker 2: love and deserve and wanted from life. And there is
Speaker 2: no one way of going about this. There is not
Speaker 2: one particular version of love and dating and the transition
Speaker 2: from first meet to you know, forever together that looks
Speaker 2: the same. So when you're thinking about who whoever you're
Speaker 2: comparing yourself to, because we all do, remember that it's
Speaker 2: going to look differently for you. Date because you really
Speaker 2: want to date, Date because you are excited and curious
Speaker 2: and you want to meet new people. Release yourself from
Speaker 2: this pressure to perform to a given time frame. All
Speaker 2: of this will actually help ease your anxiety and your stress,
Speaker 2: and with that bring about much deeper and richer dating experiences.
Speaker 2: Mean you have much better boundaries, mean that you are
Speaker 2: much more discerning, You're better able to say yeah, actually no,
Speaker 2: I don't want to go on a second date with you,
Speaker 2: or you know, actually I really like this guy or
Speaker 2: I like this person, And even if I imagine that
Speaker 2: I'll be rejected, I'm just going to do it anyways,
Speaker 2: because I'm here to have fun. I'm here to meet
Speaker 2: great people. I'm here to have one good conversation at
Speaker 2: a time, and that is all that I'm asking from
Speaker 2: this situation. And with that, a real feeling of liberation
Speaker 2: and freedom and flexibility comes over you. So I want
Speaker 2: to say thank you for listening to this episode. If
Speaker 2: you are dealing with a little bit of dating burnout,
Speaker 2: the thing, I recommend, once again, take a break. It's okay.
Speaker 2: It's actually going to be a really great investment in
Speaker 2: the long run if you have energy and if you
Speaker 2: have the patience and the capacity to enjoy this experience.
Speaker 2: I'm also just sending you a lot of strength and
Speaker 2: a lot of support. Dating is freaking tough, especially in
Speaker 2: this climate, in this social context. Gosh, it's rough. So
Speaker 2: you're not alone. You are most certainly not the only
Speaker 2: one dealing with this. But most of all, I can
Speaker 2: promise that you will find love very simple. If you're
Speaker 2: waiting for someone to confirm that for you done, I
Speaker 2: will confirm it. You will find love right now. It
Speaker 2: might just not be your time. You might just be
Speaker 2: experiencing a bit of cognitive and mental exhaustion when it
Speaker 2: comes to the dating process that gets you there. But
Speaker 2: it will come eventually. Just make sure you're having fun
Speaker 2: with it. As always, if you did enjoy this episode,
Speaker 2: make sure that you are following along on Spotify, make
Speaker 2: sure that you're following us on Instagram at that Psychology podcast.
Speaker 2: Please feel free to give us a five star review
Speaker 2: wherever you are listening, and yeah, if you have more
Speaker 2: episodes suggestions, if you have feedback, if you have your
Speaker 2: own dating burnout experience you want to share, send us
Speaker 2: a DM. We would love to hear from you. And
Speaker 2: until next time, stay safe, stay kind, please be gentle
Speaker 2: with yourself. We'll talk very very soon.