1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,120 Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we of 8 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: course break down this psychology of our twenties. So there 9 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: seems to be this like implicit, unspoken rush, this unspoken 10 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: timeline during our twenties to find God, to have found 11 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: your soulmate, found the love of your life by the 12 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: time you turn thirty. It may not be said out loud. 13 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 1: Your family may not be saying your friends may not 14 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: be saying it. Society may not be outwardly saying it, 15 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,319 Speaker 1: but it very much does feel like if you are 16 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: getting closer to thirty, if you're moving through your twenties 17 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 1: and you haven't had many dating experiences, you haven't had 18 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: much luck, you haven't found the one that you are 19 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 1: in some ways falling behind, and that can lead to 20 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:23,880 Speaker 1: a lot of us going on as many dates as possible, 21 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: really feeling the rush to find someone, feeling like dating 22 00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:32,760 Speaker 1: is in many ways a numbers game. We really really 23 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: want to have that person in our lives who we 24 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: can trust, who are monogamous with, who we're committed to, 25 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: who we can grow with, and in order to do that, 26 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: we're kind of going to have to maybe kiss a 27 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,600 Speaker 1: lot of frogs. See a lot of people spend a 28 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 1: lot of time on the dating app, swiping and matching 29 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: and going on lousy first dates, going on incredible first dates, 30 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 1: then getting ghosted. It can be incredibly overwhelming, and it 31 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 1: can lead to something called dating burnout or dating fatigue. 32 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 1: And that is exactly what I want to talk about today. 33 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: What happens when for a long time, for a very 34 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 1: extended period of time, you have just found yourself in 35 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: a pattern of bad dates, of feeling like everyone is 36 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: disappointing you, everyone is letting you down, no one is 37 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,119 Speaker 1: standing out, the apps unt providing, and yet you're still 38 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 1: putting yourself out there as much as possible with no reward. 39 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 1: To put it quite simply, I think it feels firstly 40 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: exhausting but quite unfair when you are giving your everything 41 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 1: to dating and it's not giving anything back to you. 42 00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: What I really want to discuss is what is the 43 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: mental psychological, emotional impacts and consequences of feeling like you 44 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,880 Speaker 1: have to continue to put yourself through the dating ringer 45 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,079 Speaker 1: in order to find love even when dating is absolutely 46 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 1: and completely exhausting you. How do dating apps contribute to this? 47 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: You know, one study from twenty nineteen which actually examined 48 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 1: the impacts of dating apps on our mental. 49 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 2: Health put it really well. There is this paradox in 50 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:21,640 Speaker 2: modern dating wherein online platforms provide more opportunities than ever 51 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 2: to find a romantic partner, but we are, you know, 52 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 2: nonetheless still more single than I think we've ever been 53 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 2: because of just the extreme choice overload that we see 54 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 2: with dating apps, where it feels very abundant and we 55 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 2: could go on a date every single day if you 56 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 2: really really tried. But going on more dates is not 57 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 2: necessarily getting us closer to finding the one, and that 58 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 2: is where that fatigue really sets in. You know, if 59 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 2: you spend countless hours over time at work pushing towards 60 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 2: a goal and you never achieve it, you will be 61 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 2: burnt out. If you spend hours at the gym working 62 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 2: and pushing yourself, you will be fatigued, If you spend 63 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 2: hours and hours with a friend who you know you 64 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 2: don't really connect with anymore, but you are forced to 65 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,839 Speaker 2: really chat to and talk to, you will experience the 66 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,840 Speaker 2: same thing that we experience when we date for too 67 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 2: long with little success and little reward, and feel like 68 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,360 Speaker 2: all of our cognitive, mental, even physical resources are going 69 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 2: towards this project, almost that we no matter how hard 70 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:38,599 Speaker 2: we work, we're not any closer to finishing. That is really, 71 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 2: I think, at the crux and at the foundation of 72 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 2: why dating burnout affects so many single people in their twenties, 73 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 2: with so many other things in our lives. The harder 74 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 2: you work, the more payout you get. The harder you 75 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 2: push yourself in your career, or in your studies, or 76 00:04:55,600 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 2: physically or emotionally or in terms of your hobbies like, 77 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 2: the harder you push yourself, the harder you work, the 78 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,280 Speaker 2: more time you commit, the better you get, the better 79 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 2: the outcome. And dating is not the same. It is 80 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,359 Speaker 2: not the same type of game. I've heard from so 81 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,359 Speaker 2: many of you just lamenting at the fact that you 82 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 2: never think you're going to find someone. You are completely 83 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 2: and utterly dejected and rejected by the modern dating world. 84 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,720 Speaker 2: And I want to talk about it. I want to 85 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:29,320 Speaker 2: talk about why that happens, the impact, and the signs 86 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 2: that maybe it's time to take a break. I also 87 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,200 Speaker 2: want to talk about my own experience when I was 88 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 2: single and I was dating, and how absolutely frustrated I 89 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 2: was with dating for a period of time, and I 90 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 2: took a break. I took a six month break. I 91 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 2: did a complete detox, which felt so kind of contrasting 92 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 2: to what I really wanted, like I wanted to find love. 93 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 2: Why would I take a break? Well, actually, it ended 94 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 2: up completely resetting my perspective on dating. It ended up 95 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:04,320 Speaker 2: improving my resilience, improving my self reliance and my self esteem. 96 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 2: And it meant that when I went back out there, 97 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 2: I actually met someone wonderful. So hopefully you can learn 98 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 2: from my experience. I want to teach you exactly how 99 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:16,440 Speaker 2: you can counteract dating burnout in the most counterintuitive ways, 100 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,479 Speaker 2: along with so much more so, if this is something 101 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 2: that you are experiencing, as we always say, you are 102 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,240 Speaker 2: not alone. This is a very common phenomena. At the moment, 103 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 2: the dating world and the dating pool is very limited 104 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,600 Speaker 2: and very shallow, So how can you find your way through? 105 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 2: What do you need to know and so much more so, 106 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:42,360 Speaker 2: without further ado, let's get into navigating dating burnout in 107 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 2: our twenties. I want to begin with a statistic that 108 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 2: might scare you, might encourage you. I hope it brings 109 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,800 Speaker 2: you a sense of comfort and maybe even community between 110 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 2: your fellow single people. Asudy done a couple of years ago, 111 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 2: twenty twenty two interviewed a bunch of adults between the 112 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 2: age of eighteen and fifty four who were actively and 113 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 2: currently dating, and it found that seventy eight percent of 114 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 2: them were experiencing dating burnout, with a further eighty percent 115 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,000 Speaker 2: of them saying that that was specifically to do with 116 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 2: online dating. A further fifty four percent said that they 117 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 2: had lost hope in ever finding someone on the dating apps, 118 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 2: and twenty eight percent said they lost hope in ever 119 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 2: finding someone ever. So, for such a big, complicated, but 120 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 2: also common mental phenomena, it's interesting that we don't talk 121 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 2: about it more. What exactly does dating burnout actually feel like? Well? 122 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 2: I was going to say what does it look like? 123 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 2: But I do actually think that it is truly a feeling. 124 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 2: It's a gut feeling, It's a gut reaction. To a 125 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 2: situation into an experience whereby dating is not giving you 126 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 2: any more joy or satisfaction. It's not exciting, it's not 127 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 2: fun as it's meant to be. You will feel like 128 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 2: dating is a chore, like it's something you have to 129 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 2: do each week. You know, go grocery shopping, clean my 130 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 2: bed sheets, clean my house, go on a date with 131 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 2: Bill from Hinge, Go on a date with two to 132 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 2: three people to keep my numbers up because you know, 133 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,320 Speaker 2: maybe eventually this person will be the one. You often 134 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 2: feel exhausted and hopeless when you're swiping. When you're meeting 135 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:34,240 Speaker 2: new people, there is this interesting experience where a lot 136 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 2: of the time you're already anticipating that it's going to 137 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 2: grow badly. You're already anticipating that they will reject you. 138 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,640 Speaker 2: In some situations, you even kind of hope that they do. 139 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,640 Speaker 2: You hope that they cancel, because you just cannot take 140 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:55,640 Speaker 2: another failed moment of hope. You cannot take another failed situationship, 141 00:08:56,080 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 2: another almost their kind of situation. I want to return 142 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 2: to this idea of feeling like when you're meeting new people, 143 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,480 Speaker 2: when you're swiping, that you can't even be bothered because 144 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:10,200 Speaker 2: you already anticipate that they're going to reject you. This 145 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:15,440 Speaker 2: is actually a mindset known as the rejection mindset, and 146 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,440 Speaker 2: according to a recent study by Hinge, found that a 147 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 2: lot of us who are actively dating end up feeling 148 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,959 Speaker 2: this way and it makes us feel particularly exhausted and 149 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 2: like the dating pool is particularly lacking of any promise. 150 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:37,120 Speaker 2: So a rejection mindset, it basically means that we focus 151 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,200 Speaker 2: primarily on all the rejections that we've had, and we 152 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 2: start to believe that that pattern of rejection is going 153 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 2: to follow us into the future. So we come to 154 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 2: expect that whenever we need a new person, it's going 155 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 2: to end up poorly. Those situations where it has before 156 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,559 Speaker 2: are really the first to come up in our memories. 157 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 2: What does this end up doing? 158 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 1: Well? 159 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 2: It almost ends up meaning that we reject ourselves first, 160 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 2: because it's just so painful to be dismissed, especially romantically, 161 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 2: that if it's coming from us, if we take ourselves 162 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 2: out of the game, we feel like we are minimizing 163 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 2: the pain. It can also bleed into how we are 164 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,720 Speaker 2: when we do show up when we are present. So say, 165 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,080 Speaker 2: for example, you're on an amazing date. It's going so well, 166 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 2: there's passion, the spark, there's compatibility. The conversation is like 167 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,720 Speaker 2: buttery and smooth and liquid. It's just beautiful, a beautiful date. 168 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 2: In the back of your mind, you might be thinking, 169 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 2: all right, don't get too attached, hold back here, hold 170 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 2: the horses, don't put your best self forward, don't put 171 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 2: too much energy into this, because it's going to end 172 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 2: exactly like all the last ones, and that can really 173 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 2: close us off. Right naturally, it's going to close us 174 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 2: off because when you are used to being so intensely 175 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 2: vulnerable and allowing people to come into your life having 176 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 2: that big or open heart, if you are experiencing a 177 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 2: great deal of dating burnout or rejection, you're going to 178 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 2: pretty soon, you know, learn that that is the easiest 179 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 2: way to be hurt. It's quite sad, really, how our 180 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 2: dating experiences can almost change our personality and how open 181 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 2: we are to love. There was this really interesting study 182 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 2: that looked into this back in twenty nineteen. Specifically, it 183 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 2: looked into the rejection mindset and dating apps, and what 184 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,160 Speaker 2: they did was they put people in a fake dating 185 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,959 Speaker 2: app scenario. So these researchers literally recreated that made their 186 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 2: own dating app, and they asked people to swipe on 187 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 2: fake profiles and decide who they wanted to date, who 188 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:37,880 Speaker 2: they would like to day, who they were going to 189 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 2: reject versus accept. They also had another condition, and this 190 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,800 Speaker 2: was in real life, and the participants got to meet 191 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 2: all these amazing people, and they were told, all of 192 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,680 Speaker 2: these people already like you, they already want to go 193 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 2: on a date with you. They've already said that they're 194 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,439 Speaker 2: attracted to you. That's why they're here. What they found 195 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 2: was that the participants immediately when they were on the 196 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:04,679 Speaker 2: apps rejected a whole lot more people, expecting that if 197 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 2: they were to you know, match with them, swipe yes 198 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,000 Speaker 2: on them, say yes to them, they would be rejected anyway. 199 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,719 Speaker 2: So they took themselves out of the game, despite despite 200 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 2: not having any information to indicate that that was the case. 201 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:24,200 Speaker 2: Whereas in the other condition, when everyone was already confirmed 202 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 2: to be available to them, the level of rejection decreased 203 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 2: by twenty seven percent. Because of the kind of nature 204 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,079 Speaker 2: of online dating and how we anticipate other people's responses 205 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 2: based on our own perspective or mindset, it actually turns 206 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 2: out that we reject ourselves a lot more, and we 207 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:48,080 Speaker 2: naturally close ourselves off from dating, and the secondary finding, 208 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 2: of course, was that this is more likely to be 209 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 2: the case if the participant was reporting signs symptoms indicators 210 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 2: of long term dating burnout. Here are a couple other 211 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 2: signs before we move on to exactly why this tends 212 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,880 Speaker 2: to happen. Another really important indicator is if you have 213 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,600 Speaker 2: started contemplating what would really mean to be single for 214 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,320 Speaker 2: the rest of your life, if that is a scenario 215 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,320 Speaker 2: that is regularly playing through your head even though you 216 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 2: don't want it to be the case. So that's the 217 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 2: important distinction. If you're thinking about being single for the 218 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,720 Speaker 2: rest of your life with joy and a positive outlook 219 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 2: and being like, yeah, actually I love that idea, and 220 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,560 Speaker 2: you're not dating at all. I don't think that's a 221 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 2: sign of dating burnout. I think that's a sign of 222 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:36,600 Speaker 2: almost maybe acceptance of where you're at, an acceptance of 223 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:38,920 Speaker 2: what you want from your future. But if you are 224 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:43,439 Speaker 2: facing this like uh, pull and push this like tug 225 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,599 Speaker 2: between I just want to ditch the dating apps. I 226 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 2: don't want to see anyone ever again. I'm just going 227 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 2: to be alone forever, and then you know, the next 228 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 2: week redownloading the apps. That almost feels like an addictive cycle. 229 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,080 Speaker 2: That is a sign of dating burnout, That is a 230 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 2: sign that you keep being drawn back into the promise 231 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:03,840 Speaker 2: of maybe finding someone, but then immediately disappointed because you 232 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 2: are burnt out. Think about it in comparison to a 233 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:12,640 Speaker 2: workplace burnout or burnout in a professional situation, where we 234 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 2: typically think about it when we see burnout. There, what 235 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,559 Speaker 2: will happen is that people will take, you know, a 236 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 2: day off. They'll be really really stressed with work, their 237 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 2: boss will be like, no, just take a day off, 238 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,560 Speaker 2: and then they'll come back for maybe a couple of 239 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 2: days and immediately step right back into the stress and 240 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 2: feel like that day off, that time off did absolutely 241 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 2: nothing for them, because actually they didn't treat their burnout, 242 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:38,920 Speaker 2: They just treated some of the symptoms. Same goes for dating. 243 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 2: And the thing about this contemplation of a permanent singlehod 244 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,360 Speaker 2: status right is that it actually feels quite likely. It 245 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 2: feels like this is a potential scenario, especially in your 246 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 2: twenties and your early thirties, where there has been a 247 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 2: cultural shift towards non monogamy or towards a lack of commitment. 248 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 2: You can see that in the invention of new phrases 249 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 2: like friends with benefits like situationships where there is more 250 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 2: of a gray area when it comes to relationships compared 251 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 2: to in previous generations where it was like, all right, 252 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 2: there's three things, right, the single, dating, or married, and 253 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 2: the shift the movement between those three things probably takes 254 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 2: around a year or two. Of course, I think the 255 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,880 Speaker 2: trend away from that is probably very healthy in some ways. 256 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 2: You know, it indicates that we aren't just marrying the 257 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,600 Speaker 2: first person that we meet and then enduring perhaps an 258 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 2: unhappy situation for the next sixty years. But it's true 259 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:41,760 Speaker 2: there is a lower, lesser tendency towards commitment in this generation, 260 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,840 Speaker 2: and a twenty twenty three study found that millennials and 261 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 2: Gen z we are much less likely to be looking 262 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 2: for monogamy or to state that monogamy or commitment are 263 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:58,400 Speaker 2: one of our top dating priorities. So this contemplation of like, 264 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,880 Speaker 2: am I maybe going to be single forever? And perhaps 265 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 2: a almost like fear of that and a sense of panic, 266 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 2: but then also a sense of disappointment when you try 267 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 2: and counteract that by dating. That's a big sign of 268 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 2: dating burnout, just being exhausted, being tired, you're sick of 269 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,960 Speaker 2: telling your friends about your first dates. You're sick of 270 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 2: going to you know, having to get dressed up every 271 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 2: single night. It's not exciting. So why does this happen? Well, 272 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 2: we've talked about this briefly, but the biggest reason that 273 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 2: we experience dating burnout is because we continue to put 274 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 2: ourselves in a situation that is not fulfilling. Because of 275 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 2: this pressure to find someone, Our society overly invests and 276 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,840 Speaker 2: places a huge preference on romantic love over anything else. 277 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:52,280 Speaker 2: It is always at the center. So what that means 278 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 2: is that when you are not dating, you kind of 279 00:16:55,720 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 2: feel like you're letting maybe society down. This is a 280 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 2: priority that you should be having, and so not doing 281 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 2: it means that you're falling behind means that you're losing out. 282 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,119 Speaker 2: Maybe there is an element of fomo there, and so 283 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 2: you continue to do so, You continue to go on 284 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,359 Speaker 2: the bad dates, You continue to be kind of like 285 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 2: almost just dipping your toe in the water, even though 286 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 2: you would prefer not to get wet, because there is 287 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 2: this expectation and pressure to find someone. We also experience 288 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 2: dating better app because meeting new people constantly, especially people 289 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 2: where you kind of have to contemplate a potential or 290 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,880 Speaker 2: think about their potential as a mate or as a partner. 291 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,479 Speaker 2: That is incredibly emotionally draining, especially if you don't have 292 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 2: the spoons or if you're introverted. Oh my god, dating 293 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 2: is such a time investment, Like it is an incredible 294 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:51,480 Speaker 2: time investment. Even if you're only going on like one 295 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 2: date a week, one date a month, that can still 296 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 2: be three to four hours of getting ready, if getting there, 297 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,399 Speaker 2: or having to talk to someone. I don't know if 298 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,080 Speaker 2: I even have that much time for some of my 299 00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 2: closest friends at times in my life, you know, having 300 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:08,720 Speaker 2: to fit in dating with having a fulfilling social life, 301 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:12,359 Speaker 2: having hobbies, talking to your family, making sure that you're working, 302 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 2: running your side hustle, taking care of yourself. Now, that 303 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 2: is hard. And so when it feels like the rest 304 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,919 Speaker 2: of our plate is already stacked up with things, and 305 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 2: yet here we are dating and feeling like we're just 306 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,160 Speaker 2: constantly pushing this heavy rock up a hill with no success, 307 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 2: Inevitably we're going to feel pretty fatigued by that situation. Finally, 308 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,160 Speaker 2: I think dating burnout occurs because with each new person 309 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,120 Speaker 2: you meet, you do have to be on, but there 310 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 2: is also this pressure to come off as a certain person, 311 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,240 Speaker 2: to come off as your best self. If you've got 312 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 2: to remember, you know, dating, regardless of your investment in it, 313 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,840 Speaker 2: still does feel like it has quite high stakes, Like 314 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 2: you know, the next date you go on that could 315 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 2: be your soulmate. And so there is a real sense 316 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 2: that when you show up you have to be giving everything. 317 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 2: And sometimes that creates a lot of pressure as well. 318 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,560 Speaker 2: I keep using the word pressure. It create you place 319 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 2: an expectation on yourself to really show up perfectly and 320 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,199 Speaker 2: to really be impressive, and to be on maybe to 321 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,879 Speaker 2: be a little bit fake because they might like that 322 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,840 Speaker 2: version of you more. That takes a lot of energy 323 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,359 Speaker 2: to do that constantly, to do that for a slew 324 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,120 Speaker 2: of new people every month, every year. It all ends 325 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 2: up taking its toll. And of course it takes it's 326 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,840 Speaker 2: toll primarily emotionally because it's just kind of like all 327 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,919 Speaker 2: this energy that you would rather protect for yourself as 328 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,919 Speaker 2: being leached out, but also like physically and socially, if 329 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,639 Speaker 2: you don't have the battery, you don't have the time, 330 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:54,320 Speaker 2: you don't have the resources cognitively to invest in this. 331 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,200 Speaker 2: So that is basically what leads us to a point 332 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 2: of burnout to that place of just feel completely dejected, disappointed, frustrated, 333 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,280 Speaker 2: but almost feeling like you have to continue participating in 334 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 2: this activity in order to be meeting society's expectations or 335 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 2: in order to get the thing that you want, Like 336 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 2: you want to be loved. Why does the process in 337 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 2: order to get there feel so grueling. It doesn't have 338 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,399 Speaker 2: to feel that way. And that is my big promise 339 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,359 Speaker 2: to you today. Dating does not have to feel like 340 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,600 Speaker 2: a chore. It doesn't have to feel like a punishment 341 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,040 Speaker 2: or at prison. It can be fun. You can bring 342 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 2: the joy and the spark and the excitement back into it. 343 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 2: So I want to talk about how to counteract dating 344 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 2: burnout and how to actually be more successful in your 345 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:52,280 Speaker 2: dating life after this short break. I really think that 346 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 2: if you're struggling with this at the moment, if you 347 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,160 Speaker 2: just feel like every day you go on is a dud, 348 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:01,480 Speaker 2: every person is disappointing you, it never works out. It's 349 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,760 Speaker 2: not you. It is the entire culture of dating that 350 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:11,200 Speaker 2: has made it feel very transactional, very fast, very convenient, 351 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:18,639 Speaker 2: and ultimately disappointing. So I really reached this point probably 352 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,360 Speaker 2: like two and a half years ago, where it had 353 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 2: just been like back to back situationships, back to back, 354 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,439 Speaker 2: you know, four to five date situations where you're just 355 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 2: about to get your hopes up and you're like, yeah, 356 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,959 Speaker 2: maybe I like have met my person, and no I 357 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 2: have not, and you're disappointed and you're let downlet again 358 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:38,639 Speaker 2: yet again, and you know, there is this almost like 359 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:42,520 Speaker 2: emotional vulnerability hangover for a couple of weeks, and then 360 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 2: you're like, no, I'm not going to let this get 361 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,679 Speaker 2: me down. I want to find love, so I'm going 362 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,600 Speaker 2: to get back out there, and the cycle repeats itself. 363 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,880 Speaker 2: I found that I was getting I was way too 364 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 2: attached to the people that I was matching with, all 365 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,440 Speaker 2: the people that I was meeting, because in them there 366 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,399 Speaker 2: was this whole great future that they could unlock. You know, 367 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,399 Speaker 2: if they were the one, suddenly all my woes with 368 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,680 Speaker 2: dating would be over. I would be kind of able 369 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,119 Speaker 2: to tick this off my list. I could rest easy, 370 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,920 Speaker 2: I would have love and great, I'd done the thing 371 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 2: that I needed to do. And I just had this 372 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 2: epiphany that that was the complete incorrect attitude. It was 373 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:24,919 Speaker 2: the incorrect attitude because anyone could come along and be 374 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 2: let straight through the door into my heart, into my 375 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 2: life because I was so done with being single and 376 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,360 Speaker 2: I was so sick of dating. This is what I did. 377 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,360 Speaker 2: I did a complete six month hiatus. Previously I had 378 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,640 Speaker 2: tried to do this, but I would, you know, get 379 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,719 Speaker 2: in like a couple of weeks and then I'd redownload 380 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 2: the apps, or I would like find myself flooding with 381 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 2: someone or going on like a couple of dates, and 382 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,400 Speaker 2: it was right back to the beginning. So I made 383 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,440 Speaker 2: a promise. I said, I'm going to give myself six 384 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 2: months to not talk to anyone in a romantic sense, 385 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 2: even if someone happens to come along during that time. Actually, 386 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,679 Speaker 2: we're going to have a real hard line that no, 387 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 2: the door is not open, the heart is not open. 388 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 2: This is a time for me to reprogram and really 389 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 2: dig around in my brain and dig around in my 390 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:20,400 Speaker 2: heart as to why I've become very susceptible to this 391 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,560 Speaker 2: way of dating, in this sense of rejection and disappointment. 392 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 2: So I started, and I did six months successfully of 393 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,960 Speaker 2: no dating, complete dating hiatus, a dating detox. And it 394 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:37,960 Speaker 2: was really really hard, especially since I'd spent my entire 395 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:42,719 Speaker 2: adult life always like going on dates and being present romantically. 396 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,200 Speaker 2: That that was a huge component of my social life 397 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 2: and who I was. But I found that it was 398 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,959 Speaker 2: incredibly freeing. It was incredibly freeing, and it made me 399 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:56,360 Speaker 2: realize how reliant I was on the validation of these 400 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,879 Speaker 2: people to get me through the day and to ensure 401 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,359 Speaker 2: that I was confident and assertive and that I felt 402 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,640 Speaker 2: good about myself. And suddenly, when I no longer had 403 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,440 Speaker 2: that source of validation, as simple and shallow as that 404 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,600 Speaker 2: validation was, I had to really get deeper, and I 405 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:18,479 Speaker 2: had to become more of my own best friend and 406 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,639 Speaker 2: more of my own lover. And I know that sounds 407 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,119 Speaker 2: quite strange, like I was my own lover, but I 408 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 2: really was for that six month period. And then guess 409 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:33,600 Speaker 2: what happened, Almost like clockwork, I finished the sixth month 410 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 2: dating hiatus. I think I met someone, Like two weeks later, 411 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,199 Speaker 2: I think I think I met someone, not someone I 412 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 2: met like the love of my life. I met the 413 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,680 Speaker 2: man that I am still with. It's a bit been 414 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,480 Speaker 2: like a year and a half. We're still together. We're 415 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,959 Speaker 2: so so strong. And I'm not saying that it was 416 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,400 Speaker 2: my period of my dating hiatus that led me there. 417 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 2: What I am saying is that it was my change 418 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,359 Speaker 2: in attitude. It wasn't that I suddenly came back and 419 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,719 Speaker 2: there was all these more options. No, it was that 420 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:08,000 Speaker 2: I came into it with a much more relaxed attitude, 421 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,680 Speaker 2: a much more relaxed state of mind, and it meant 422 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,680 Speaker 2: that I was more authentic. When I did actually meet 423 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 2: Tom my partner, I was more authentic and I didn't 424 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:22,280 Speaker 2: get attached and put so much pressure on the early 425 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,919 Speaker 2: days of our relationship, which meant that it was actually 426 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:29,000 Speaker 2: able to blossom and we actually were able to form 427 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 2: a connection that wasn't based on this real fear factor 428 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 2: for me or this real loneliness factor. It was organic. 429 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,080 Speaker 2: Although you know, we did meete on a dating app like, 430 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,560 Speaker 2: it felt like the connection was not artificial. The other 431 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 2: component of this was that I really actually had fun. 432 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 2: I did go on like some dates with other people 433 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,359 Speaker 2: around that time, and it was fun. It was fun, 434 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,880 Speaker 2: and it was easy to be like no, I don't 435 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 2: want to see you again, or like yeah, why not 436 00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 2: without me being like okay, is this the one contemplating 437 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,720 Speaker 2: the wedding? And so I think also that six month 438 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,719 Speaker 2: period or however long you would like to take, is 439 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,040 Speaker 2: also the time that if we were considering burnout in 440 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:13,159 Speaker 2: a normal sense is probably the timeline that most of 441 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,960 Speaker 2: us would be on. Six months to a year. I 442 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 2: would say that is how long it takes to recover 443 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 2: from normal burnout, because you really have to completely heal 444 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:29,360 Speaker 2: and rejuvenate and pour energy and pour love back into 445 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,440 Speaker 2: the places in which these resources have been depleted by 446 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,680 Speaker 2: your situation. The other thing that I think really helps 447 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,639 Speaker 2: us get over dating burnout is to take a step 448 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,000 Speaker 2: back firstly and really focus on what you're looking for, 449 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,840 Speaker 2: What do you actually want. Not every single person that 450 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,720 Speaker 2: you're going to come across deserves a first date, to 451 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:56,199 Speaker 2: be honest, deserves a first message. You cannot see the 452 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:59,200 Speaker 2: potential in people from a profile or from a first 453 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:04,280 Speaker 2: meeting and expect them to follow on with that potential 454 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:07,960 Speaker 2: and to completely fulfill it based on your expectations. You've 455 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 2: got to trust that the first not the first thing 456 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,600 Speaker 2: you see of them, but the information that they give 457 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,359 Speaker 2: you initially is the truth. So if you are looking 458 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:19,000 Speaker 2: at a dating profile and this person just looks a 459 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:21,399 Speaker 2: bit off and it says, you know, I'm not looking 460 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 2: for monogamy, oh I like I drink a lot and 461 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,840 Speaker 2: you don't, or like, oh yeah, I live here and 462 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,720 Speaker 2: it's quite far from you, but all you're seeing is potential. 463 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 2: You're gonna be like, yeah, Okay, I'll go on a 464 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,680 Speaker 2: date with this person and you're going to make time 465 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 2: for them in your day. You're gonna make time for 466 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,920 Speaker 2: them in your week, and they are going to be disappointing. 467 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 2: And then you're gonna look at yourself and be like, 468 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,280 Speaker 2: what's wrong with me? Like, what's wrong with me? 469 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 1: Nothing? 470 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,240 Speaker 2: Nothing is wrong with you, Nothing is wrong with you. 471 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:47,199 Speaker 2: Other than that, perhaps you need to reconsider why it 472 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 2: is that you are allowing these people to come into 473 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,359 Speaker 2: your life. Because in those interactions where they are on 474 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 2: a date with you, they are talking to you, they 475 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:59,960 Speaker 2: are with you, present with you. That is taking something 476 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,399 Speaker 2: from you. That is taking, you know, a part of 477 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,800 Speaker 2: you that could have been expended elsewhere, that could have 478 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,280 Speaker 2: been used elsewhere, a part of your day that could 479 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 2: have been invested elsewhere. So I want you, right now, 480 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,119 Speaker 2: if you are actively dating, to really sit down and 481 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 2: write five things that you absolutely definitely want in a partner, 482 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 2: Five things that really matter to you that you will 483 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,200 Speaker 2: not compromise on. And if you can't, think of five 484 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,919 Speaker 2: things that might be a problem that might be indicative 485 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,960 Speaker 2: that actually, you know you're you're not picky enough. I 486 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 2: think each person should have at least five deal breakers. Otherwise, 487 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,320 Speaker 2: again you get into that scenario that I was very 488 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 2: much into. This isn't I really hope this isn't coming 489 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 2: off as coming from a place of judgment, But I 490 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 2: myself was in that position where I had like two 491 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaker 2: things that I was like, yeah, this is a deal breaker, 492 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 2: but it actually meant that, you know, the fishing net 493 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,680 Speaker 2: was quite wide when really I needed to be using 494 00:28:56,720 --> 00:29:00,240 Speaker 2: a fishing pole and going selectively for certain peace people 495 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 2: who I know I would be quite compatible with. So 496 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,680 Speaker 2: get clear on what you want. Take the pressure off 497 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,240 Speaker 2: by taking a break. Those are my first two steps. 498 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:13,960 Speaker 2: I also think that when you go on a bad date, 499 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,360 Speaker 2: when something doesn't work out, don't let it ruin your 500 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 2: perspective on everything. Don't let it be the defining experience 501 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 2: for you. Something that really helped me, because you know, 502 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:28,040 Speaker 2: rejection does happen in this cutthroatating world. Something that really 503 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:30,160 Speaker 2: helped me build my resilience, because you need a whole 504 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 2: lot of resilience if you're dating in this decade was 505 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 2: to have statements that I would repeat to myself after 506 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 2: something didn't work out. One of the ones I remember 507 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,880 Speaker 2: using was I am love, so love will find me, 508 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 2: but it's not all that defines me. I am love, 509 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,320 Speaker 2: so love will find me, but it's not all that 510 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:51,440 Speaker 2: defines me, And that was really really important and valuable. 511 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 2: I also did affirmations of like, I attract beautiful people 512 00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:59,680 Speaker 2: because I am a beautiful person. The love I pour 513 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,680 Speaker 2: into will be poured back into myself. What were some 514 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,720 Speaker 2: others someone? Oh, you know, just small things like someone's 515 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:08,240 Speaker 2: inability to see my value doesn't mean that it's not there. 516 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,400 Speaker 2: That was a great one, and also it was very 517 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:15,400 Speaker 2: validating to remind myself that there are so many people 518 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,840 Speaker 2: in this world. It is impossible for me to be 519 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,880 Speaker 2: an end. For you to go about your life and 520 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,560 Speaker 2: not eventually encounter someone who thinks you're freaking amazing. And 521 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,400 Speaker 2: if you have an open heart, if you're not burnt out, 522 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:31,960 Speaker 2: if you're actually excited about the prospect, if you know 523 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:35,200 Speaker 2: what you want, if you know what you want, not 524 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,360 Speaker 2: what the other person wants, You know what you want, 525 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:41,080 Speaker 2: that might actually be exactly what you need. It might 526 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 2: be where the spark really catches is when you're prepared. Finally, 527 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,280 Speaker 2: I really want you to let go of the timeline. 528 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 2: As I said at the very beginning of this episode, 529 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:58,840 Speaker 2: many people consciously or unconsciously subscribe to an internal dating timeline. 530 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 2: You want to meet someone by twenty five, get engaged 531 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:06,760 Speaker 2: by twenty eight, get married by thirty, etc. Etc. That timeline, 532 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:10,960 Speaker 2: which feels imposed on all of us, is arbitrary. It's 533 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 2: actually a social construct, and it's very detrimental to your 534 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:20,719 Speaker 2: dating success. Anytime we place these concrete limits on ourselves, 535 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,080 Speaker 2: however they may look, we also place limits on our 536 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:28,520 Speaker 2: sense of curiosity, our sense of fun or excitement, not 537 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 2: just when it comes to love, but when it comes 538 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,000 Speaker 2: to anything. When it starts to feel like a job 539 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 2: or it starts to feel like there is something restricting 540 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 2: our freedom within that space, Suddenly it's a task that 541 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,880 Speaker 2: needs to be completed or ticked off. It's something that 542 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:47,600 Speaker 2: is very rigid and very defined and inflexible, and so 543 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:51,480 Speaker 2: that becomes a lot less enjoyable. It's like when you 544 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:54,600 Speaker 2: have a hobby or like a creative skill or something 545 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 2: that you really love doing. As soon as that becomes 546 00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,400 Speaker 2: like a job, as soon as you feel like you 547 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:03,200 Speaker 2: have to do it, that all the enjoyment gets sucked 548 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 2: out pretty quickly. So see the timeline. Acknowledge the timeline. 549 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:11,120 Speaker 2: Acknowledge that people are going to perhaps I don't know. 550 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 2: Still try and enforce the timeline on you and remind 551 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 2: yourself that there are a lot of people who do 552 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 2: not meet that timeline and still have very fulfilling, deep love, 553 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 2: who still have all the things that they enjoy and 554 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 2: love and deserve and wanted from life. And there is 555 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,320 Speaker 2: no one way of going about this. There is not 556 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:35,560 Speaker 2: one particular version of love and dating and the transition 557 00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:40,520 Speaker 2: from first meet to you know, forever together that looks 558 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:45,000 Speaker 2: the same. So when you're thinking about who whoever you're 559 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 2: comparing yourself to, because we all do, remember that it's 560 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,760 Speaker 2: going to look differently for you. Date because you really 561 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,640 Speaker 2: want to date, Date because you are excited and curious 562 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 2: and you want to meet new people. Release yourself from 563 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,640 Speaker 2: this pressure to perform to a given time frame. All 564 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:08,320 Speaker 2: of this will actually help ease your anxiety and your stress, 565 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:13,040 Speaker 2: and with that bring about much deeper and richer dating experiences. 566 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:16,680 Speaker 2: Mean you have much better boundaries, mean that you are 567 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 2: much more discerning, You're better able to say yeah, actually no, 568 00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:22,400 Speaker 2: I don't want to go on a second date with you, 569 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,040 Speaker 2: or you know, actually I really like this guy or 570 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:27,760 Speaker 2: I like this person, And even if I imagine that 571 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:29,720 Speaker 2: I'll be rejected, I'm just going to do it anyways, 572 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,480 Speaker 2: because I'm here to have fun. I'm here to meet 573 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,160 Speaker 2: great people. I'm here to have one good conversation at 574 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 2: a time, and that is all that I'm asking from 575 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:41,800 Speaker 2: this situation. And with that, a real feeling of liberation 576 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:46,760 Speaker 2: and freedom and flexibility comes over you. So I want 577 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,040 Speaker 2: to say thank you for listening to this episode. If 578 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,000 Speaker 2: you are dealing with a little bit of dating burnout, 579 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,840 Speaker 2: the thing, I recommend, once again, take a break. It's okay. 580 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,800 Speaker 2: It's actually going to be a really great investment in 581 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,320 Speaker 2: the long run if you have energy and if you 582 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:04,440 Speaker 2: have the patience and the capacity to enjoy this experience. 583 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,040 Speaker 2: I'm also just sending you a lot of strength and 584 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 2: a lot of support. Dating is freaking tough, especially in 585 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 2: this climate, in this social context. Gosh, it's rough. So 586 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:20,280 Speaker 2: you're not alone. You are most certainly not the only 587 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,279 Speaker 2: one dealing with this. But most of all, I can 588 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,279 Speaker 2: promise that you will find love very simple. If you're 589 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:30,360 Speaker 2: waiting for someone to confirm that for you done, I 590 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,120 Speaker 2: will confirm it. You will find love right now. It 591 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:34,840 Speaker 2: might just not be your time. You might just be 592 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,799 Speaker 2: experiencing a bit of cognitive and mental exhaustion when it 593 00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:41,759 Speaker 2: comes to the dating process that gets you there. But 594 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,480 Speaker 2: it will come eventually. Just make sure you're having fun 595 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,520 Speaker 2: with it. As always, if you did enjoy this episode, 596 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,359 Speaker 2: make sure that you are following along on Spotify, make 597 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,800 Speaker 2: sure that you're following us on Instagram at that Psychology podcast. 598 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,359 Speaker 2: Please feel free to give us a five star review 599 00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:59,640 Speaker 2: wherever you are listening, and yeah, if you have more 600 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,120 Speaker 2: episodes suggestions, if you have feedback, if you have your 601 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,480 Speaker 2: own dating burnout experience you want to share, send us 602 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,520 Speaker 2: a DM. We would love to hear from you. And 603 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,360 Speaker 2: until next time, stay safe, stay kind, please be gentle 604 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,439 Speaker 2: with yourself. We'll talk very very soon.