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Speaker 1: We feel like we have to earn our love, that

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Speaker 1: we're not enough just to be there, that we have

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Speaker 1: to somehow earn it through these external criteria. I have

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Speaker 1: to be so attractive and so funny and so entertaining,

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Speaker 1: and you do have to earn love by the way,

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Speaker 1: but you earn it by being relational.

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Speaker 2: I'm so excited to finally share the live interviews from

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Speaker 2: my very first podcast tour. This episode features my interview

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Speaker 2: with Lori Gottlieb at dar Constitution Hall in Washington, DC.

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Speaker 2: Wow Wow, Wow, everyone. I am so excited to be

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Speaker 2: here tonight at the Dark Constitution Hall in Washington, DC

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Speaker 2: with the one and only Laurie Gottlieb. Give it up

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Speaker 2: for Laurie, everyone, now. Laurie has been a dear friend

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Speaker 2: for the last few years and has been one of

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Speaker 2: our most popular on purpose guests. She's been on the

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Speaker 2: show at least three times, and we're going to have

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Speaker 2: her back on every year that she passed. We can

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Speaker 2: so Laurie. To do this in person when we're usually

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Speaker 2: in the studio is a real treat. So thank you

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Speaker 2: so much for flying out as well. I'm so grateful

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Speaker 2: that you're here.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I'm so happy to be here with this wonderful

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Speaker 1: crowd in DC.

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Speaker 2: I love it. So I want to dive straight in

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Speaker 2: with you, Laurie, because I really want to dive into

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Speaker 2: your mind. You have so many incredible insights. And something

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Speaker 2: we've been talking about tonight is this idea of being

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Speaker 2: worried about what people think of us. And the hardest

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Speaker 2: person's perception that we take the most seriously is our partners.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and a.

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Speaker 2: Lot of us can sometimes feel we're performing in relationships

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Speaker 2: to try and get that validation, to try and get

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Speaker 2: that attention, to try and get that affection. Why do

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Speaker 2: so many of us feel that way? And what do

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Speaker 2: we do about it?

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Speaker 3: It's interesting, you know.

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Speaker 1: I think in the beginning of a relationship, there's this

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Speaker 1: joke that you're not you, you're the ambassador of you.

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Speaker 1: So you know, we're all trying to put our best

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Speaker 1: foot forward, we're trying to impress the other person.

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Speaker 3: But I think that once we're in the relationship, we.

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Speaker 1: All have some part of us that worries that were

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Speaker 1: not lovable and maybe we're going through something hard, or

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Speaker 1: maybe we're not feeling great about ourselves. The other person

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Speaker 1: is going through something like they're having great success, and

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Speaker 1: we don't feel like we measure up. And so I

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Speaker 1: think what happens is we feel like we have to

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Speaker 1: earn our love, that we're not enough just to be there,

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Speaker 1: that we have to somehow earn it through these external criteria,

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Speaker 1: like I have to be so attractive and so funny

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Speaker 1: and so entertaining, and you know, all the things and

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Speaker 1: what you do have to earn love by the way,

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Speaker 1: but you earn it by being relational. So people want

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Speaker 1: to be in relationships with people who are relational. They

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Speaker 1: don't want to be in relationships with people who can't listen,

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Speaker 1: aren't emotionally generous, those kinds of things. But I think

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Speaker 1: that you know, when we think about performing in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: that has to do with I don't believe that you

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Speaker 1: will love me if I don't earn your love, And

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Speaker 1: that's a belief that we need to get rid of.

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Speaker 1: How do we do that, Well, I think you need

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Speaker 1: to understand that that's not the way that you earn love.

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Speaker 1: So the way you earn love, as I said, is

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Speaker 1: being relational. It's not about all of these other things

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Speaker 1: that we try to do, like I need to look

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Speaker 1: this way or be this way, the person cares about you,

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Speaker 1: they're with you, so.

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Speaker 3: You need to show up.

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Speaker 1: And I think that that's really the answer, is how

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Speaker 1: can you be in a relationship with somebody? You have

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Speaker 1: to show up otherwise if you're just in your head

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Speaker 1: the whole time, you're not even there.

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Speaker 2: So many of the people that I speak to, and

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Speaker 2: I'm sure a lot of you can agree with this,

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Speaker 2: I think a lot of people feel that at one

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Speaker 2: point in their relationship, they find that their partner doesn't

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Speaker 2: want to open up, doesn't want to talk about their feelings,

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Speaker 2: isn't comfortable being vulnerable, and may actually be more closed off.

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Speaker 2: So I often find in relationship there's one person who

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Speaker 2: wants to talk about everything, and then the other person

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Speaker 2: doesn't want to talk about anything. And so even though

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Speaker 2: we want to be relational, you often find that one

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Speaker 2: person doesn't, whether they don't have the emotional capacity, whether

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Speaker 2: they don't feel they're ready, whether they don't even allow

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Speaker 2: themselves to think about these things. What do you do

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Speaker 2: when you're in a relationship? Can everyone relate to that?

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Speaker 2: By the way, this makes them noise? All right? When

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Speaker 2: you're with someone like that, what do you do? Where

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Speaker 2: do you start because you want to be with them.

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Speaker 2: They're not being relational, they don't want to listen to you,

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Speaker 2: they don't want to talk about their life. How do

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Speaker 2: you navigate that?

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Speaker 1: First of all, I think it's really important that you

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Speaker 1: notice that at the beginning of a relationship. So many

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Speaker 1: people will say, you know, oh, this person doesn't really

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Speaker 1: open up or they're not really there, they're not really

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Speaker 1: being vulnerable with me. But that's okay, because that will come.

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Speaker 1: And then you keep going and you think, okay, it

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Speaker 1: will come later, but it's still not coming.

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Speaker 3: Why do we do that? Why do we ignore that?

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Speaker 1: Because it's almost like attribution bias, you know, it's like

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Speaker 1: you want to attribute certain traits to the person that

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Speaker 1: they don't actually have. And that's why I always say,

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Speaker 1: at the beginning of a relationship, you want to bring

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Speaker 1: things up. People are afraid to for the reason that

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Speaker 1: we said, you know, we want to be the ambassador

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Speaker 1: of us at the beginning of the relationship. But actually

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Speaker 1: you want to bring things up early and often. And

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Speaker 1: that's because relationships are like cement. If you let the

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Speaker 1: cement dry, it's and and so you say, okay, this

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Speaker 1: is this will change later. Then you're gonna have to

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Speaker 1: get out of jackhammer dig everything up right.

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Speaker 3: It's just it's really hard.

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Speaker 1: But if there's still room, you can say to your partner, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm having trouble making contact with you. What's going on?

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Speaker 1: Is there something about the way that we're relating.

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Speaker 3: Why is it?

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Speaker 4: You know?

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Speaker 1: I really want to get to know you better, but

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Speaker 1: I'm having trouble. I'm really understanding what's going on inside.

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Speaker 1: And some of that is gendered. Okay, so some of

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Speaker 1: it is a lot of time men feel like if

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Speaker 1: I open up and be vulnerable, then I'm going to

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Speaker 1: be perceived as weak or I'm going to be perceived,

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Speaker 1: you know, differently. And there's some part of women that

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Speaker 1: we need to learn to provide space for men to

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Speaker 1: be vulnerable. Because what happens is when I'm doing couples therapy,

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Speaker 1: what I'll see is if it happens to be a

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Speaker 1: man and a woman, I will see that the woman

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Speaker 1: will say to her partner, I'm.

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Speaker 3: So glad you're here.

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Speaker 1: I really want to talk about all this stuff that

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Speaker 1: we can't talk about, and I want you to tell

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Speaker 1: me what's going on. I want to really know what's

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Speaker 1: going on inside of you, and then he opens up,

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Speaker 1: and then maybe he tears up, maybe he starts crying,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, WHOA right. So part of it is

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Speaker 1: I don't feel safe when you don't open up to me,

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Speaker 1: but I also in a weird way, and I can't

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Speaker 1: explain it.

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Speaker 3: I don't feel safe when you're crying either.

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Speaker 1: So we need to make sure that we are providing

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Speaker 1: the space for the partner who's not vulnulnerable to be vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: We can ask them what would be helpful, and I

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Speaker 1: think we just don't ask the questions, so then we say, well,

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Speaker 1: this person's not capable of it, they might be very

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Speaker 1: capable of it if you give them the space.

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Speaker 2: We're all looking for that safety, yeah, and we're so

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Speaker 2: scared that if we showed our true selves then it

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Speaker 2: wouldn't be a safe space anymore, and that maybe that

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Speaker 2: part of us will be too hard to handle, too

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Speaker 2: hard to hold, too hard to embrace, and so we

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Speaker 2: just lock it up inside and we never share that,

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Speaker 2: we never show that. And the challenge that happens is

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Speaker 2: the other person thinks you don't have the capacity, and

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Speaker 2: actually you're thinking, well, I don't think you actually have

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Speaker 2: the capacity for me to be all of myself, And

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Speaker 2: it really does require a lot from people to allow

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Speaker 2: their partner to be all of themselves. How do we

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Speaker 2: communicate that we're ready to create a safe space for

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Speaker 2: that person, and how do we actually create the resilience

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Speaker 2: in ourselves to have the space for whatever may come.

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Speaker 2: Like I remember when I was talking a couple of

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Speaker 2: few years ago. It was similar to the gender play

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Speaker 2: that you mentioned, where she was like, I want you

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Speaker 2: to be really really open to the man, and he

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Speaker 2: was just like, well, if I tell you this, I'm

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Speaker 2: scared you won't like it. And then he opened up

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Speaker 2: about some of the challenges he'd had in his past,

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Speaker 2: and that really made her feel insecure about him, even

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Speaker 2: though it wasn't to do with them. So it can

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Speaker 2: be really complicated. How do we truly have emotional availability

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Speaker 2: to make space for what someone has to say for us?

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Speaker 1: That's such an important point because it's not just saying

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Speaker 1: that you have the space, it's actually having the space.

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Speaker 1: And that's it's hard for us sometimes to separate out

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Speaker 1: who we are from who they are. So they're telling

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Speaker 1: you something about them, and they're asking you to sit

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Speaker 1: with them, they're inviting you to come closer, and we think, oh,

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Speaker 1: they're telling me something that feels threatening to me. So

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Speaker 1: when we talk about vulnerability, there's two kinds of vulnerability.

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Speaker 1: There's vulnerability of I'm going to tell you something about

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Speaker 1: my past that feels delicate to me. But what really

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Speaker 1: kind of triggers the partner sometimes is I'm going to

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Speaker 1: tell you something about you in relation to me that

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Speaker 1: is delicate, And so how can we be vulnerable about

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Speaker 1: something relational between us? And that's where couples get into

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Speaker 1: a lot of trouble because instead of hearing the other person,

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Speaker 1: they're getting defensive, they're feeling blamed, they're feeling criticized, when

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Speaker 1: really the invitation is please come closer. I trust you

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Speaker 1: and I feel close to you. So isn't it funny

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Speaker 1: how we hear the opposite message. We hear like, something's

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Speaker 1: wrong with you, you're damaged, I'm criticizing. That's what we're hearing.

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Speaker 1: But actually the invitation was the opposite. And that's because

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Speaker 1: in any moment when there are two people in conversation,

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Speaker 1: there are up to a dozen people in the room,

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Speaker 1: and by that I mean think about who's in the room,

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Speaker 1: like take attendance, have any of you. Ever been talking

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Speaker 1: to somebody else in the room and it feels like

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Speaker 1: it's not just the two of you, anybody where it

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Speaker 1: feels like, wow, something else. I don't know what just

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Speaker 1: happened with the other person. But that's not what I said.

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Speaker 1: That's not what I meant. That wasn't you.

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Speaker 3: Know like that? What conversation are they in?

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Speaker 1: Well, that is because you need to say, you know

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Speaker 1: who's in the room. A parent, a grandparent, their parents

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Speaker 1: because of the generational patterns that have gone down through

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Speaker 1: the generations. A teacher who told you that you would

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Speaker 1: never amount to something, the teacher who told you you

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Speaker 1: were fabulous, you know, and the first boyfriend or girlfriend

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Speaker 1: you had, Like, all those people are in the room,

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Speaker 1: but we don't know it.

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Speaker 3: So you have to.

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Speaker 1: If you're having a big reaction to something, we always

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Speaker 1: say if it's hysterical, it's historical. You are having a

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Speaker 1: reaction that feels outsized to what is actually being said.

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Speaker 1: It's like you went from zero to sixty in your body.

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Speaker 1: If it's hysterical, it's historical.

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Speaker 3: Who else? Who are these figures in the room?

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Speaker 1: Take attendance, See who's in the room, and then who

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Speaker 1: do you want to invite in the room, and who's

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Speaker 1: not invited, and then tell the people very kindly, Hey mom,

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Speaker 1: hey dad, hey grandma, hey sibling, You're not invited into

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Speaker 1: this conversation. So you go, and I'm going to come

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Speaker 1: back into the conversation with this person that I'm talking to.

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Speaker 2: Wow, I love that. I love that. That's so powerful.

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Speaker 2: It resonates so strongly with so many interactions I can

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Speaker 2: think of. I wanted to ask you, Laurie, can you

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Speaker 2: truly love someone if you don't love yourself?

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Speaker 1: I get asked that question all the time, and I

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Speaker 1: think the better question is, can you truly accept someone

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Speaker 1: if you don't accept yourself. One of the most loving

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Speaker 1: of things you can do to yourself and to other

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Speaker 1: people is acceptance. And acceptance doesn't mean settling or compromising.

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Speaker 1: It means embracing the fullness of the other person's humanity

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Speaker 1: and embracing the fullness of your humanity. So when people say,

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Speaker 1: you know, will you love me if right, it's do

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Speaker 1: you accept me fully?

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Speaker 3: Is really the question.

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Speaker 1: And I don't think that you can accept someone else

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Speaker 1: fully if you don't accept yourself fully, because you know,

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Speaker 1: we can't order up people A la carte. You know,

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Speaker 1: like we think we can just order up anything the

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Speaker 1: way we want. Nowadays, it's just like you can order online.

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Speaker 1: You can get anything. It's like, you know, what are

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Speaker 1: your special instructions? You know, leave this on the side.

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Speaker 1: You can't do that with people. They just come the

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Speaker 1: way they come. So you can't be like, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: love everything about you, but I want to leave like

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Speaker 1: your anxiety on the side. I want to leave your

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Speaker 1: neuroses on the side. I want to leave you know,

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Speaker 1: that history that you have with that other person on

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Speaker 1: the side. I wish that didn't happen.

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Speaker 3: You can't do that.

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Speaker 1: So they come fully form no substitutions. It's the way

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Speaker 1: it is on the menu. That's how they come. And

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Speaker 1: you do too, by the way, So we forget sometimes

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Speaker 1: we think, like I have to accept all these things

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Speaker 1: about the other person. What about the things that they're

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Speaker 1: accepting about you? Right, and if you were truly honest

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Speaker 1: about it, not like in a job interview when people say,

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Speaker 1: you know, what is your greatest weakness and you couch

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Speaker 1: it as a strength, like I work too hard, right,

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Speaker 1: you know, that's my greatest weakness is I'm just a

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Speaker 1: perfectionist and I work too hard.

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Speaker 3: Well, no, that's not on your list.

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Speaker 1: The list has to be something real, like I can

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Speaker 1: be really inflexible or I am still working on this

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Speaker 1: one thing and that can be challenging for my partner.

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Speaker 1: You know, whatever the things are, be honest. You know

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Speaker 1: what the things are that you have to accept, And

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Speaker 1: once you accept those in yourself, what happens is something

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Speaker 1: kind of miraculous. Not only do you feel more loved

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Speaker 1: because you are more accepted, become smaller. So those things

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Speaker 1: that feel very huge to you, once you've said you

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Speaker 1: know what, I'm not going to focus on them or

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Speaker 1: obsess about them anymore, all of a sudden, they don't

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Speaker 1: take up so much emotional real estate. It's like, I

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Speaker 1: just accept that about myself.

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Speaker 3: Moving on.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's super powerful advice. There's a that that resonates

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Speaker 2: so much more the word acceptance versus love, because I

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Speaker 2: think love kind of gets convoluted when you're having that

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Speaker 2: conversation like do I love myself? Do they love me?

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Speaker 2: Do I love them? Whereas acceptance kind of gets to

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Speaker 2: the heart of it. And even as I was listening

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Speaker 2: to it, I was thinking about, like I was talking

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Speaker 2: to someone else yesterday about this, and I was talking

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Speaker 2: about me and my wife Radi, and I was explaining

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Speaker 2: that really acceptance is what helps our relationship work. We're

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Speaker 2: very different people, we have very different priorities, and we

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Speaker 2: have a lot of different things that we like and

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Speaker 2: engage with, but we respect that that's what makes the

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Speaker 2: other person attractive to us. Yes, So what I mean

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Speaker 2: by that is when Radi met me, I'm the same

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Speaker 2: person I've bin, which is a mission oriented. I'm very

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Speaker 2: focused on my purpose. It's my top priority in life

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Speaker 2: and I love it and thankfully knock on wood. In

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Speaker 2: the last twelve years, Radi's never said to me, you

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Speaker 2: work too much because she knows I love this. This

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Speaker 2: is who I am, It's who I always was. And

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Speaker 2: for Radi, her top fat priority is her family. She

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Speaker 2: loves them, a niece and a nephew, her grandma, her

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Speaker 2: mom and dad, like her sister like, that's her top

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Speaker 2: priority and so she loves visiting them in England and

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Speaker 2: going back even though we live in la And I

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Speaker 2: love that because I'm like, the reason why Rady is

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Speaker 2: so lovable is because of her loving relationship with her family,

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Speaker 2: and so it becomes an acceptance point of recognizing that

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Speaker 2: what it's almost like, you don't want to take away

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Speaker 2: the secret source that makes your partner your partner, whether

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Speaker 2: they're it's their ambition, whether it's the love for their family,

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Speaker 2: whatever it may be. And when you respect it and

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Speaker 2: accept it allows for things to blossom, whereas when you

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Speaker 2: try and take it away, you actually end up becoming

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Speaker 2: their kryptonite. Yeah, and you're making them weak or by

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Speaker 2: taking away the very thing that they value. Does that

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Speaker 2: make sense?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I think if relationships is almost like a relationship is

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Speaker 1: like a startup. It's like you're building, you're co founding

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Speaker 1: this this whatever you're building, and every single relationship it's

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Speaker 1: like a snowflake.

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Speaker 3: It's unique.

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Speaker 1: There's no other relationship out there like it. There will

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Speaker 1: be overlap, but the fact is these two individuals coming

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Speaker 1: together are creating something that no one else can create.

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Speaker 1: And so if you take away something from one of

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Speaker 1: the other people, that might be something that is really

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Speaker 1: adds to the richness.

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Speaker 3: Of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: You don't want to change, you know, the person that

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Speaker 1: you're with, You might there might change interactions between you

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Speaker 1: that's different. So if you want to change the way

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Speaker 1: that you relate to each other, but you don't want

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Speaker 1: to change the essence of the person.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I want to give another example of a weakness that

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Speaker 2: I had that I had to work on, which which

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Speaker 2: really helped me when it comes to this acceptance point.

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Speaker 2: At one point in our relationship, I was always like,

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Speaker 2: I was upset that Raley didn't organize more vacations and

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Speaker 2: I was the one doing all the organizing. Anyone can

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Speaker 2: relate if anyone's me in the relationship, Yeah, And so

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Speaker 2: I was upset about that, and I remember communicating that

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Speaker 2: to her and I said, look like I'd really appreciated

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Speaker 2: it if you also organize the vacations. And she said

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Speaker 2: something that was so honest to me, and it was

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Speaker 2: it really really resonated me. She goes, Jay, I would

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Speaker 2: happily organize any of our vacations, but the problem is

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Speaker 2: if I organize it, you'll have a million pieces of feedback.

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Speaker 2: But if you organized it, I'll just happily do whatever

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Speaker 2: you want to do. And it took me a second,

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Speaker 2: but she was spot on. I'm like a perfectionist. I

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Speaker 2: want it done this way I want it And I

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Speaker 2: realized I was like, actually, she's the sweetest person in

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Speaker 2: the world. Because when I organized a vacation, she's happy

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Speaker 2: to be a part of it and won't even ever

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Speaker 2: say to me like, oh I wish we did this,

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Speaker 2: or we should have done this, whereas I would be

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Speaker 2: like that the whole time. And it was such a

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Speaker 2: like holding up a mirror to me. And I realized

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Speaker 2: that I was the one discouraging her from taking responsibility

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Speaker 2: in a relationship because of how I would respond. And

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Speaker 2: that was a lot of self awareness that I didn't

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Speaker 2: have at that moment. And it was such a powerful

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Speaker 2: thing to learn to accept that even though I thought

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Speaker 2: she wasn't doing something for me, actually it was because

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Speaker 2: of how I was behaving.

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Speaker 3: That happened so often.

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Speaker 1: I remember when I was seeing this couple, she was saying,

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Speaker 1: you know, I want you to stop by on the

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Speaker 1: way home from the gym. I want you to stop

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Speaker 1: buy to the market, and I want you to get

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Speaker 1: these things. And they had a baby, and she wanted

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Speaker 1: him to get organic strawberries. I did not have organic

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Speaker 1: strawberries that Trader Joe's that day. So what did he do?

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Speaker 1: He got the regular strawberry.

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Speaker 2: Oh you know how this guy?

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Speaker 1: Now, I want to say hashtag first world problems right.

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Speaker 3: But at the.

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Speaker 1: Same time, these are like the tiny what do people

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Speaker 1: fight about most? There are these tiny things that mean

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Speaker 1: something much bigger. So for her this meant you don't

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Speaker 1: pay attention to what's important for me and our baby, right.

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Speaker 1: And for him it was like, no, I did I

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Speaker 1: did exactly what you asked, and if I had done

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Speaker 1: it my way, I would have gone to the other

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Speaker 1: place and maybe they would have had organic strawberries. But

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Speaker 1: I was following your directions so I wouldn't get in trouble.

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Speaker 1: And then I got in trouble anyway. So these are

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Speaker 1: the kinds of things when we try to control our partners,

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Speaker 1: we're not giving them the autonomy to creatively do the

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Speaker 1: things that actually would enhance the relationship. And when you know,

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Speaker 1: when we look at what is the number one trade

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Speaker 1: there too there when we say, like what what makes

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Speaker 1: couples work? Okay, emotional stability, and that means like you

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Speaker 1: basically you know, have your working on your stuff. And

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Speaker 1: the second thing is flexibility. That you have to be flexible.

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Speaker 1: And so if you're the perfectionist in the relationship and

401
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Speaker 1: you are trying to control your partner, that's going to

402
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Speaker 1: make you very, very difficult to live with. And and

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Speaker 1: what will happen is you will start to lose control

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Speaker 1: because now that person doesn't want to pay attention, they

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Speaker 1: don't trust you, They're going to try to go around

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Speaker 1: you because they're you know, it's kind of like we

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Speaker 1: say that you need an aquarium in a relationship, also

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Speaker 1: with parenting. But an aquarium is like if it's a

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Speaker 1: fish bowl, it's too tight, it's like too constraint. If

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00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,919
Speaker 1: it's an aquarium, there's no rules, nobody knows what's going on.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel safe. An aquarium

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Speaker 1: is just right. Can you give the other person the

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Speaker 1: equivalent of an aquarium so they have room to swim,

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Speaker 1: but there are also certain agreed upon rules in the relationship?

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Speaker 2: Got it, sense? I've been I've been down to ask

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Speaker 2: you this question, Laurie. You've you know, coached couples and

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Speaker 2: relationships for decades now, and you know been in therapy

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Speaker 2: with couples, individuals everything. I wanted to ask you, what

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Speaker 2: is the difference between compatibility and chemistry and which one

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Speaker 2: is more important?

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Speaker 3: Let's do a poll.

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Speaker 2: Let's do it. That's the fun of getting to do

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Speaker 2: with all these things.

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Speaker 1: Who thinks that compatibility is more important than chemistry. Make

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Speaker 1: some noise, okay, And and now the chemistry folks, make

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Speaker 1: some noise, all right, All right, there's there's a good

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Speaker 1: there's a good amount for each But here's the answer

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Speaker 1: that I would give. And this is from seeing couples

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Speaker 1: for all of these years, and I will say that

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Speaker 1: I think that the most important.

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Speaker 3: Form of chemistry is compatibility. Wow, we're all right?

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Speaker 1: And what I mean by that, so fatibility, is do

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Speaker 1: we vibe? Do we have the same ideas about how

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Speaker 1: we like to have fun? Do we have the same

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00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,920
Speaker 1: ideas about our goals for ourselves and for our relationship?

436
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,480
Speaker 3: Do we bring out the best in each other?

437
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,440
Speaker 1: That's like red hot chemistry, right, But it's compatibility too.

438
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 1: Some people would say the chemistry is I always feel

439
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:28,520
Speaker 1: on edge with this person, but wow, that person's so hot. Right, Well,

440
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,600
Speaker 1: the other person can be really hot. That's part of

441
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,680
Speaker 1: your compatibility too. But you need the other things. If

442
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 1: you bring out the best in each other. That is

443
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,080
Speaker 1: chemistry and compatibility all wrapped in one.

444
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree. I love that an so yeah, go

445
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 2: give it up. There's you reminded me of this amazing

446
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:50,639
Speaker 2: study that I read that I loved, which was talking

447
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,879
Speaker 2: about how when you meet someone and you feel the

448
00:22:54,960 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 2: spot or the chemistry, really what it is is nzime

449
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,320
Speaker 2: and excitement at the same time. So it's like excitement

450
00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:07,000
Speaker 2: and stress. I'll give you an example. The excitement is,

451
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:11,120
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, they're heart right. The stress is do

452
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,120
Speaker 2: they think I'm hot? Right? The excitement is, oh my gosh,

453
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,280
Speaker 2: I've got their number. I'm going to text them. The

454
00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:20,720
Speaker 2: stress is are they going to text me back? The

455
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,399
Speaker 2: excitement is I thought we had a great date. The

456
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 2: stress is do they think we had a great date?

457
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:31,400
Speaker 2: And so that's what chemistry chemically actually is. It's stress

458
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,760
Speaker 2: and excitement. Now, what's really interesting what this study said

459
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,399
Speaker 2: is that over time, when you get to know someone

460
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,720
Speaker 2: and you've spent time together, your stress goes down because

461
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,360
Speaker 2: now you're used to being around them. You know they

462
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,840
Speaker 2: like you, you know they like being around you, you

463
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,600
Speaker 2: know they're going to text you back. And so because

464
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 2: the stress goes down, excitement kind of starts to diminish,

465
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:58,640
Speaker 2: and you now think it's boredom when actually it's peace. Right.

466
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 2: So it's this really idea that compatibility is boring and

467
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:09,119
Speaker 2: chemistry is exciting, but really real great compatibility is a

468
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 2: sense of peace that we actually feel peaceful around each

469
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,840
Speaker 2: other and now don't feel on edge around you, and

470
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,879
Speaker 2: I don't have to worry about whether you like me.

471
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,800
Speaker 2: And that's why it's so interesting how so many relationships

472
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,680
Speaker 2: go through this border mirror when you've got to actually

473
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,240
Speaker 2: check in with yourself and say, are we bored or

474
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 2: have I just lost the stress of them liking me

475
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,440
Speaker 2: and texting me back and messaging me right.

476
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: But what you get instead is you get the dopamine

477
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:39,720
Speaker 1: of this person loves me right, Like there's something all

478
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,640
Speaker 1: of the people who are dealing with what you said

479
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 1: of you know, the date went well? Did they think

480
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 1: the date went well? Did you know I got their numbers?

481
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,199
Speaker 1: Are they going to call me back? You know all

482
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,679
Speaker 1: of that? That is so when people are going through that,

483
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,399
Speaker 1: you know what they say in therapy, when they tell

484
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,840
Speaker 1: you what they're really feeling, they say, all I want

485
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: is to feel safe, I want peace, I want all

486
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: of that, right. I just want to feel good and

487
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,880
Speaker 1: I know that the person likes me and I want

488
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 1: to have fun with them. That's what they want. And

489
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,440
Speaker 1: then when they have that, they say, oh no, I

490
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,200
Speaker 1: want the other thing.

491
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:08,520
Speaker 3: I want that other thing.

492
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,359
Speaker 1: At the beginning, you weren't happy at the beginning, you

493
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,840
Speaker 1: were stressed out all the time. You were like, is

494
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,840
Speaker 1: the person gonna call? What's gonna happen? What did it

495
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,280
Speaker 1: mean that the person waited this many hours between the

496
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:22,120
Speaker 1: text and the time. That right, Nobody enjoys that they

497
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 1: think they did in retrospect, but at the time when

498
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,679
Speaker 1: they're reporting it, they're like, I hate this.

499
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so true, that's so true. We forget very

500
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 2: quickly how anxious and nervous and stressed we were at

501
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,360
Speaker 2: the start when we were dating someone. Yeah, and what

502
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:59,199
Speaker 2: that looked like before we go onto something really exciting

503
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,160
Speaker 2: and interesting. I want to do the audience. I wanted

504
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,159
Speaker 2: to ask you one more question, which is this idea

505
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:07,600
Speaker 2: of should couples in therapy also be going to individual therapy?

506
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,920
Speaker 2: And how do you you happy? I ask that question, Yeah,

507
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,359
Speaker 2: how do you figure that out?

508
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 4: Like?

509
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 2: Do you got individual therapy? Do you also do couples therapy?

510
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:17,280
Speaker 2: Do you only do couples therapy?

511
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:17,439
Speaker 5: Like?

512
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:18,600
Speaker 2: How do you figure that out?

513
00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 1: I think that in a lot of ways, couple's therapy

514
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,439
Speaker 1: is individual therapy, and at least the way that I

515
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 1: do it, and what I do is before people come

516
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 1: into therapy, I say to each person separately, if you

517
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: are going to be the best version of yourself in

518
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 1: this relationship, regardless of what the other person does, what

519
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,920
Speaker 1: do you want to work on? What is one thing

520
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,240
Speaker 1: that you want to work on? And I ask each

521
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,160
Speaker 1: of them that they don't tell each other what it is.

522
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 1: It just that's their that's their sort of individual goal

523
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,760
Speaker 1: in the therapy. And so no matter what happens in

524
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 1: the therapy, the whole time they are working on, each

525
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 1: of them is working on that one goal. And guess

526
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,880
Speaker 1: what happens as each person is kind of doing their

527
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:04,240
Speaker 1: individual work. You don't change another person, but you influence

528
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 1: another person. So now, oh, I am being more aware

529
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 1: of this now and look at the effect it's having

530
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 1: on the other person.

531
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 3: It's a virtuous cycle.

532
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 1: So instead of like the vicious cycle of well, we're

533
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 1: doing this dance and what I do upsets this person

534
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,880
Speaker 1: and what they do upsets me, It's like I'm doing

535
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,919
Speaker 1: something different and they're responding well to it. And now

536
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 1: they're responding well to it, and they're responding well to it.

537
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 1: It keeps going back and forth. And I think that's

538
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: so interesting because you know, often in a relationship, we

539
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 1: have this way of thinking, like if I snap at you,

540
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,679
Speaker 1: it's because I was tired and my boss was really demanding. Today,

541
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,919
Speaker 1: if you snap at me, it's because you're disrespectful and

542
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:43,400
Speaker 1: you don't.

543
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 3: Care about me, right, that's really yeah. So what happened

544
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:48,160
Speaker 3: is we have.

545
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 1: Context because we know in our own mind why we

546
00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,440
Speaker 1: did what we did, and we think we know why

547
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 1: the other person did what they did, but we have

548
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:57,879
Speaker 1: zero context for it.

549
00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,240
Speaker 3: We don't know, and.

550
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,679
Speaker 1: Because we feel we'll hurt by it, we don't ask.

551
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,359
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important to consider that we

552
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 1: don't know the whole story. And so when you're doing

553
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: couple's therapy, you're working with the individuals at the same time.

554
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 1: You can't just work with a couple, and you can't

555
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,959
Speaker 1: just work with like, here's our problem. It's like, here's

556
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 1: my stuff, here's my history, here's like all the twelve

557
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 1: people I'm bringing in the room, here's you your stuff,

558
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,880
Speaker 1: your history, the twelve people you're bringing in the room.

559
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 1: Let's disinvite the people who don't need to be here.

560
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what is going on underneath the problem

561
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 1: of who's doing the laundry?

562
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:42,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, well said Well, said Laurie. Amazing. All right, well,

563
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:46,080
Speaker 2: you know the joy of doing this live with all

564
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 2: of you usually we're in a studio. The joy of

565
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 2: doing this live. First of all, I just want to say,

566
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 2: how's this means to me? Because I absolutely love this.

567
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 2: I wish we could do every podcast like this. It's

568
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 2: so fun to see what resonates with you and what

569
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 2: connects with you and what you relate to. But I

570
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,040
Speaker 2: just want to get a short of hands. How many

571
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 2: couples do we have in the house? And I raise

572
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 2: your hand if you're with your partner tonight. Okay, amazing,

573
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,560
Speaker 2: quite if we I love that. Now, look, every every couple,

574
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 2: as I was sharing with me and Raley too, every

575
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,960
Speaker 2: couple goes through disagreements and things like that. I want

576
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,480
Speaker 2: to give someone the opportunity to have and do an

577
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 2: exercise with Laurie on stage right now. So if you

578
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 2: have any couples that would love to join us on stage,

579
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 2: raised hands, I'm gonna come out and talk to you.

580
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:27,960
Speaker 2: Raise your hands.

581
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 3: Hello. This is gonna be fun.

582
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 1: Hi, Hi, It's gonna be super fun.

583
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 2: All right?

584
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, First of all, thank you, guys.

585
00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,960
Speaker 2: You're not the relationship.

586
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,600
Speaker 1: I'm just saying here, we might we might bring we

587
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: might bring Jay in for some mediation.

588
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:06,680
Speaker 3: So, okay, tell us your names.

589
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:11,320
Speaker 1: I'm Stephanie, Stephanie, Nico, Nico. Okay.

590
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:18,640
Speaker 3: So how are you guys at? Acting? Not very good? Okay,

591
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,320
Speaker 3: Well we're going to do our best. He's terrified.

592
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:24,840
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm pretty good.

593
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:28,320
Speaker 3: All right.

594
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 1: So I'm casting a play and you're playing Nico.

595
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 3: You're playing Stephanie.

596
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:41,000
Speaker 2: Nico.

597
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,840
Speaker 3: Okay, what is what is this person's name?

598
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 1: Right here?

599
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,920
Speaker 3: Everybody say it Nico, I'm Nico.

600
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:48,480
Speaker 1: Good.

601
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 3: What is this person's name over here?

602
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:51,240
Speaker 2: See?

603
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:55,840
Speaker 1: All right? So I want you guys to hold with

604
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 1: the non Mike hand hold hands and we do this

605
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,800
Speaker 1: a lot in couples there because your nervous system calms down.

606
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 3: It keeps you connected.

607
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 1: And uh, Nico, can you tell me what the issue

608
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 1: is with Stephanie? And when I say with the issues,

609
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:16,920
Speaker 1: not just what the issue is, but what does it

610
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:17,560
Speaker 1: make you feel?

611
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 3: What comes up for you?

612
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 6: I guess just like worry and stress, just overwhelm of emotions.

613
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, but what's the issue? What is the issue that

614
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:28,920
Speaker 1: you guys are disagreeing about.

615
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:34,160
Speaker 6: I guess the worthy of yourself?

616
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,200
Speaker 1: Meaning, so what happens between the two of you when

617
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:43,640
Speaker 1: you're disagreeing about I guess I just don't.

618
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,480
Speaker 6: Like sometimes feel like I level up to the expectation

619
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 6: of how I should be.

620
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,920
Speaker 1: Oh, how Stephanie wants you to be? Tell me more

621
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,320
Speaker 1: about what you think Stephanie. What Stephanie wants from you?

622
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 1: What does Stephanie want you to be like?

623
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:02,280
Speaker 6: I guess just like the best they can do in

624
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:07,200
Speaker 6: any aspect, like as a mom, as a partner, just

625
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,560
Speaker 6: to be able to be present for the other person.

626
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 1: So Stephanie wants you to be a good mom. You're

627
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 1: You're Nico, right, So, so you're your Nico. It's okay,

628
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 1: it's hard to get into the mindset of your Nico. Okay, okay,

629
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,720
Speaker 1: So and Stephanie and Stephanie is not listening to this, Okay.

630
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 1: So you're your Nico and you're telling me what you

631
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 1: feel like you can't tell Stephanie about how does she

632
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: make you feel about whether you're.

633
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 3: Living up to her expectations?

634
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:50,320
Speaker 7: Confused?

635
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker 6: Yeah, so this is as So I'm Nico.

636
00:32:57,760 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 3: I'm communicating.

637
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,920
Speaker 1: So you're your NiCoT, and what is going on with

638
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 1: you and Stephanie?

639
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 3: What is? What is? What are you feeling like?

640
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 4: What?

641
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:12,360
Speaker 6: I guess just like the overwhelm of supporting for the

642
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:17,760
Speaker 6: family and letting Stephanie know that I am doing my

643
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:23,760
Speaker 6: best to take care of myself and do but I

644
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 6: also need to focus on like my mental health.

645
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 1: And what what does it feel like when you feel

646
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 1: like Stephanie isn't uh, doesn't feel like you're doing your best?

647
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:44,000
Speaker 6: I guess just like annoyance that they're not understanding of

648
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 6: what I'm feeling.

649
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:51,440
Speaker 1: What does Stephanie not understand.

650
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 6: That I also need to have me time?

651
00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 7: Okay?

652
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 3: And what happens?

653
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:04,440
Speaker 1: Why do you think Stephane has trouble giving you the

654
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:05,560
Speaker 1: space to have me time?

655
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:10,799
Speaker 6: I think she also wants me time and that understanding

656
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:13,160
Speaker 6: that there is a balance and if you get this,

657
00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 6: I have to have.

658
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 3: That too, Okay.

659
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:20,359
Speaker 1: So it has to be sort of equalized in Stephanie's mind,

660
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:21,799
Speaker 1: but not in your mind?

661
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:22,319
Speaker 8: Right?

662
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:27,120
Speaker 1: Okay, All right, Stephanie, what's going on for you?

663
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:29,319
Speaker 8: So?

664
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:31,239
Speaker 7: Right?

665
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 4: I can see why this is hard to switching to

666
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:34,320
Speaker 4: that mindset.

667
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:43,840
Speaker 7: Yeah, So you know, Nico works from home and he.

668
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,799
Speaker 4: Goes to his computer early in the morning, and I

669
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,040
Speaker 4: have to, you know, obviously help out with Natalia or

670
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:54,879
Speaker 4: baby girl, and you know, I might see him that

671
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:58,440
Speaker 4: he might go for a run in the middle of

672
00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 4: the day and there's something that you know, and I

673
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,200
Speaker 4: think that Nico does that because he just wants to

674
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:08,280
Speaker 4: clear his mind and he wants to provide for his family.

675
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:12,640
Speaker 4: But you know, maybe if I do something that's not

676
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:17,400
Speaker 4: necessarily me being glued to my desk, then Stephanie might.

677
00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 7: Er, Nico, You're you are?

678
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:22,880
Speaker 2: You are? You are?

679
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 4: I get upset if maybe I don't see Nico, if

680
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,759
Speaker 4: he's not one hundred percent working at his desk, and

681
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 4: he might be doing something that you know, he might

682
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,920
Speaker 4: be dedicating time for him and I'm not getting that,

683
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 4: and I'm you know, I also want to be doing

684
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,319
Speaker 4: my things and and I'm not able to do that,

685
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 4: and I'm jealous that maybe Nico is is doing that.

686
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 1: You know why you guys are having so much trouble

687
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 1: remembering who the other person is because you have the

688
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:56,319
Speaker 1: exact same complaint that you both feel like the other

689
00:35:56,480 --> 00:36:00,440
Speaker 1: person doesn't give you enough me time and the other

690
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:03,359
Speaker 1: person doesn't understand why you need it.

691
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:05,479
Speaker 4: Right.

692
00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,799
Speaker 1: So this is interesting because Normally, when I do this

693
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 1: with couples, one person has one perspective on something. The

694
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,280
Speaker 1: other person has a completely different perspective on it.

695
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,120
Speaker 3: You guys literally have the same complaint.

696
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 1: So what I want you to do is I want

697
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:27,279
Speaker 1: you to imagine, while you're in your roles, how you

698
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 1: come across to the other person. So I'm going to

699
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:35,280
Speaker 1: bring you back to your actual selves. So you're Stephanie

700
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,879
Speaker 1: your Nico. Okay, I want you to act out Stephanie

701
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,719
Speaker 1: how you think and make it really big and make

702
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:45,919
Speaker 1: it really you know, like like exaggerated, how you come

703
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:49,400
Speaker 1: across to Nico when you're frustrated with him and you

704
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,879
Speaker 1: want me time or you don't like him having meat time.

705
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,480
Speaker 1: I feel like I sometimes act like a child's well

706
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,560
Speaker 1: let's see it, let's see it actually actually, oh, go

707
00:36:58,680 --> 00:36:59,000
Speaker 1: for it.

708
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 3: And by the way, this is we all. We all

709
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,200
Speaker 3: have these moments. They're normally not on a stage.

710
00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:07,440
Speaker 1: So please know that every single person in this audience

711
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,640
Speaker 1: has done this just in the privacy of their own home.

712
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:13,600
Speaker 3: Or on my couch.

713
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 6: Goodness, gracious, baby, you don't listen. I need to just

714
00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,600
Speaker 6: do me have a moment for myself. Stop thinking about yourself.

715
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:30,560
Speaker 7: And just listen, baby, I have a lot.

716
00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know what don't I'm not just gonna respond.

717
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:34,520
Speaker 2: I'm ready.

718
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:36,319
Speaker 3: That was a great performance.

719
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:45,040
Speaker 1: Okay, Nico, tell Stephanie what it feels like when she does.

720
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 3: That about you.

721
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:50,600
Speaker 1: Oh, you're only going to talk about you. You're not

722
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,359
Speaker 1: gonna say you this, or you gonna you're gonna talk

723
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 1: about yourself.

724
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,920
Speaker 4: I feel yeah, maybe you know how I like to

725
00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 4: be approached. I'm very just big on you know, thinking

726
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:02,680
Speaker 4: before you say something.

727
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:04,080
Speaker 3: No, no, you're telling her or you're telling me.

728
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,839
Speaker 7: I don't like triggering words. I don't like it when I'm.

729
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: Going to give you, I'm gonna give you some like

730
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,640
Speaker 1: a multiple choice okay, okay, because we don't know we

731
00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:13,400
Speaker 1: need like it's almost like you know, we don't We

732
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: didn't get a lot of training on like what are

733
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: the feelings right? We know like mad, sad, happy, but

734
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,319
Speaker 1: we don't know anything in between. It's like we know

735
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,319
Speaker 1: the primary colors, but we don't know the shades. What

736
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:28,680
Speaker 1: I saw here was I feel angry, I feel shame.

737
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:30,800
Speaker 3: Does that resonate?

738
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:31,439
Speaker 7: Yeah?

739
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 3: Okay, tell her about the shame.

740
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 7: It's like how I'm trying to fix.

741
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,920
Speaker 3: This, No, just tell her what the shame is like,

742
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 3: I feel.

743
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:46,360
Speaker 2: How it feels when you feel when she says that

744
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:47,799
Speaker 2: to you and she acts in that way to you.

745
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:49,840
Speaker 2: How does that shame feel to you?

746
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:52,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just I feel like I'm trying to juggle

747
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 4: a lot and it doesn't make me feel like hurt

748
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:03,400
Speaker 4: or my my point of view is being to you know,

749
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:05,000
Speaker 4: I just wish that it was more of a conversation

750
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 4: instead of like an attack.

751
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 1: I want to go back to the shame only because

752
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,920
Speaker 1: I think that that's sort of the core of.

753
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:14,640
Speaker 3: What does it mean if.

754
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:20,320
Speaker 1: You disappoint her? So she's disappointed by you, rightly or wrongly.

755
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,319
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get into that, although I do

756
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:30,000
Speaker 1: have an opinion about it. But she's disappointed and she's saying,

757
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 1: I want to feel safe. I want you to provide,

758
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 1: I want you to use your time well, I want

759
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: you to be productive, and you feel like.

760
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,280
Speaker 3: If I don't do that for.

761
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:48,520
Speaker 1: Her, then I feel bad about myself. Tell her about

762
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 1: the part that it makes you feel bad about yourself.

763
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:55,319
Speaker 4: Oh okay, yeah, you know, I'm very supportive of you,

764
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,280
Speaker 4: and I do feel bad when I see you stressed

765
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:04,279
Speaker 4: out in those situations. And I do want to make

766
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 4: sure that you get as much time as possible.

767
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:07,120
Speaker 7: It's just hard for me to But.

768
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:10,000
Speaker 1: You're talking about her, and I want you to talk

769
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,000
Speaker 1: about you, and this is really hard.

770
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:14,600
Speaker 3: But what is it?

771
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:18,839
Speaker 1: What happens for you when you feel ashamed like I'm

772
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:20,760
Speaker 1: not I can't measure up to what you want.

773
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 3: So I'm going to shut down.

774
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:27,000
Speaker 1: I'm going to stop listening to you.

775
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:27,759
Speaker 3: What happens to you?

776
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 7: I do shut down.

777
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:36,800
Speaker 4: I guess it's it's hard sometimes to have that conversation

778
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:41,520
Speaker 4: and listen and I just, yeah, shut down.

779
00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:42,200
Speaker 7: I don't, I don't.

780
00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:44,120
Speaker 3: Can you act out for her?

781
00:40:45,239 --> 00:40:47,680
Speaker 1: What a different approach would be for her to say

782
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:48,760
Speaker 1: what she wants to say?

783
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,040
Speaker 3: But it doesn't look like the way she approaches you.

784
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 7: How I would want her to.

785
00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, what would you like her to say to you instead?

786
00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 7: Baby? Do you think I can, you know, between one

787
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 7: and two have some me time?

788
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:08,160
Speaker 3: Yeah?

789
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: Well, when she's feeling like there's a there's a contest

790
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 1: between who gets more meat time?

791
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 3: What would you like her to say to you instead?

792
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,520
Speaker 7: You know, baby, I this I need me time to

793
00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:26,600
Speaker 7: focus on myself.

794
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 4: This really helps me as a person and and and

795
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:31,759
Speaker 4: just mentally and I think it would help our relationship

796
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 4: more if you know, maybe I just had an hour

797
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:36,920
Speaker 4: here too to meditate and listen to my j Shatty

798
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 4: podcast and time all the time?

799
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 1: Okay, and and and so I want you to say

800
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 1: that to him right now. That's what he wants you

801
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:48,200
Speaker 1: to say to him. Go ahead and say it.

802
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:51,000
Speaker 6: So, Baby, I think I need this one, the two

803
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 6: hours to really avoid.

804
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:53,839
Speaker 3: I don't think he said two.

805
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 2: I don't think he said I said two.

806
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:59,759
Speaker 3: I'm saying three now. I think he said one. And

807
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:00,800
Speaker 3: that was jerious.

808
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:01,440
Speaker 2: I want.

809
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:08,680
Speaker 6: So I need this hour to focus on myself and

810
00:42:08,719 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 6: my mental health and then make me, you know, listen

811
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:13,600
Speaker 6: to the Machi sty podcast.

812
00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:20,200
Speaker 3: And and the question might be, is that okay?

813
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:21,280
Speaker 5: Is that okay?

814
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:25,160
Speaker 3: And what can we do for you to have that?

815
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,480
Speaker 3: So I'm adding to that, is that okay? And what

816
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,240
Speaker 3: can I do it's in order for that to happen?

817
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,879
Speaker 1: What does that feel like to you when she says that,

818
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: does it feel different from how it normally goes.

819
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:39,520
Speaker 7: A little bit? Yeah?

820
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm also on a schedule right there's there's a

821
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:48,759
Speaker 4: lot of things that I'm trying to manage. And when

822
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,879
Speaker 4: it's just like hey, like, I need an hour here,

823
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 4: and I'm just like, well, I want to give it

824
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:54,480
Speaker 4: to you, but I don't, you know, I have a

825
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:56,439
Speaker 4: meeting at nine and then I have to get work

826
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,000
Speaker 4: done from the next three hours, and then I you know,

827
00:42:59,160 --> 00:42:59,960
Speaker 4: I'm more of like on a.

828
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 7: Schedule, and it's tough for me to.

829
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:05,880
Speaker 4: Maybe just step away from my desk or just do

830
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,839
Speaker 4: something just randomly in the day of like an hour of.

831
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:10,920
Speaker 3: Okay, so what you're requesting.

832
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:12,319
Speaker 1: The two things I want you to take away from

833
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:16,080
Speaker 1: this one is how does the approach differ? It helped

834
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:19,719
Speaker 1: a little bit, you said, and then also what are

835
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:24,000
Speaker 1: some of the practical parts of this, Like, for example,

836
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,359
Speaker 1: when you approach me, I can't just sarily just drop

837
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:30,840
Speaker 1: everything on a dime. So you're smiling because it sounds

838
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:34,240
Speaker 1: like that's what you've asked been asking for, right, yeah, Okay,

839
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:39,200
Speaker 1: so you can understand that he's trying and he wants

840
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,839
Speaker 1: you to have me time and he needs some meat time.

841
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:46,040
Speaker 1: But what's not being taken to account is he can't

842
00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 1: just do it spontaneously like that.

843
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,719
Speaker 3: So can you find a way too.

844
00:43:50,719 --> 00:43:52,920
Speaker 1: So that he doesn't then argue back, well, I can't

845
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:54,680
Speaker 1: and this and that, and then you feel shut down,

846
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:56,520
Speaker 1: and then he feels shut down, and then it's like

847
00:43:56,560 --> 00:44:00,279
Speaker 1: we didn't even do this interaction. So yeah, you're going

848
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 1: to ask differently, and you're going to make sure that

849
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,719
Speaker 1: you ask maybe the night before, like, hey, here's what

850
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:08,280
Speaker 1: I'm thinking.

851
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:09,520
Speaker 3: Does this work?

852
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 1: And I want you guys to see what that would

853
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:14,080
Speaker 1: be like. And I want you to see what happens

854
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: when it's a request and not a demand, because when

855
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:19,040
Speaker 1: you acted it out, it was a demand. When you

856
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:21,799
Speaker 1: did what he said might work better and we're slightly better,

857
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:23,360
Speaker 1: that was a request.

858
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:24,840
Speaker 3: So here's one example.

859
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: Normally people have very different ideas about things and it

860
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:30,800
Speaker 1: really helps them. These two have exactly the same issue.

861
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:33,480
Speaker 1: So this exercise was a little bit different, but I

862
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:39,000
Speaker 1: hope these two takeaways are going to be helpful. All right,

863
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,520
Speaker 1: thank you guys for coming up. How do you guys

864
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:42,239
Speaker 1: think they did it?

865
00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 2: Everyone very very very brave to come and do that

866
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:50,799
Speaker 2: in front of two thousand and five un event Yes,

867
00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:54,960
Speaker 2: it takes a lot. And as you can see, I

868
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:59,399
Speaker 2: love what Laurie was doing because it really shows us

869
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,960
Speaker 2: like we don't get to sit inside of these exercises.

870
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:04,080
Speaker 2: We only get to sit inside of our own and

871
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:08,920
Speaker 2: when you're inside someone else's therapy exercise, you start to

872
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:13,359
Speaker 2: recognize just how we don't have the emotional vocabulary, we

873
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 2: don't have the communication skills, and it's not our fault.

874
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,600
Speaker 2: It's because no one's ever taught us then, and so

875
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 2: a lot of us are learning and so having that

876
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:26,400
Speaker 2: bit of grace when we're with our partners to recognize

877
00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:32,120
Speaker 2: that we can't expect people to have these emotional skills.

878
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:35,400
Speaker 2: We often expect people, Lorrie to just get us, but

879
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 2: we expect our partners to just get us, like it's

880
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:40,839
Speaker 2: common sense, you should get it, and we don't.

881
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:44,440
Speaker 1: Well, it's so interesting because we believe that that's the.

882
00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:46,960
Speaker 3: True test of love, like do you just get me?

883
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:50,000
Speaker 1: And it's interesting because you think when we're babies, we

884
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:53,680
Speaker 1: don't have words and the only way that we can

885
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 1: communicate is by crying, and the parents are dancing around like,

886
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:58,880
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, is the Are you hungry?

887
00:45:58,880 --> 00:45:59,839
Speaker 3: Are you cold? Are you hot?

888
00:45:59,880 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 1: Are you tired? Do you need a diaper change? Right,

889
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:04,000
Speaker 1: we don't know what it means. But then we grow

890
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,880
Speaker 1: up and we expect our partner to like solve the

891
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:09,960
Speaker 1: problem in the same way, except now we do have words,

892
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:13,120
Speaker 1: and we can use those words, but our first loving

893
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:17,400
Speaker 1: experience was all about how much was my parent or

894
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:20,920
Speaker 1: caregiver whoever able to guess? Like, we want our partners

895
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:22,960
Speaker 1: to do what I needed in that moment?

896
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 2: Wow, wow wow?

897
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 1: And now and now what we have instead is so

898
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 1: then we have words and we can say, hey, I'm hot,

899
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:34,840
Speaker 1: i'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, i'm tired, right, and

900
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:37,040
Speaker 1: we learn how to do that somehow with our partners,

901
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:38,960
Speaker 1: we think I don't need to tell them that, they

902
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:43,360
Speaker 1: should just know because it's our early experience of loving,

903
00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:47,319
Speaker 1: it's our earliest is of being loved. And so now

904
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:50,040
Speaker 1: what we have instead is we need to learn the

905
00:46:50,080 --> 00:46:54,600
Speaker 1: operating instructions of our partner. So everybody comes with you

906
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:58,240
Speaker 1: know their history, the things that work well with them, don't.

907
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:00,240
Speaker 3: Push this button? Do push this button more?

908
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:00,640
Speaker 5: Right?

909
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:03,120
Speaker 1: With our partners. We all know that about our partners.

910
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:06,000
Speaker 1: But then we think, well, they should just guess. Why

911
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:08,839
Speaker 1: don't you just tell them so you can get what

912
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:09,440
Speaker 1: you want?

913
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:10,879
Speaker 2: Right?

914
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,160
Speaker 1: Why do we make it so hard on our partner?

915
00:47:13,440 --> 00:47:16,920
Speaker 1: Just tell them these are my operating instructions, what are yours?

916
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 2: I want to give a big shout out Tanika and

917
00:47:22,880 --> 00:47:26,080
Speaker 2: Stephanie having the courage to do that. And I want

918
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:27,399
Speaker 2: to take it out to all of you. I want

919
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:28,920
Speaker 2: to take some of your questions. Me and Laurie are

920
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:32,399
Speaker 2: both here. Would love to answer your questions. Page where

921
00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:34,719
Speaker 2: are you? Paige? There? You are, Page from my team.

922
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:38,040
Speaker 2: Give Paige around the blows everyone, please, Page from my

923
00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:41,279
Speaker 2: team is going to come around and hand you the

924
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:43,239
Speaker 2: mic if you have a question, So raise your hand

925
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 2: if you have a question, and Page will come and

926
00:47:45,200 --> 00:48:06,600
Speaker 2: find you. Hi. He Hi, my name I'm Krea Ria.

927
00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:08,360
Speaker 2: Nice to meet you. What's your question?

928
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:13,799
Speaker 9: My question is more of a scenario. If you were

929
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 9: going somewhere with your partner and let's say you had

930
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:19,960
Speaker 9: a disagreement and there was something that really bothered you.

931
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:24,040
Speaker 9: What's the best way to handle that situation so that

932
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:27,640
Speaker 9: you're happy and your partner's happy. And do you speak

933
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:31,440
Speaker 9: when you're upset or do you wait? And how should

934
00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:33,759
Speaker 9: you communicate that? What's the best way to communicate that.

935
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:39,400
Speaker 1: I feel like when we something happens, we feel like

936
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:42,600
Speaker 1: we have to resolve this right now. And if we

937
00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:45,080
Speaker 1: don't resolve it right now, it's going to live with

938
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:47,280
Speaker 1: us all night and it's going to ruin our time.

939
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:51,520
Speaker 1: But you're so worked up about it that you haven't

940
00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:54,560
Speaker 1: thought about it, you haven't processed it. You aren't giving

941
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:57,719
Speaker 1: the other person grace at this moment. So that is

942
00:48:57,800 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: not the time to try to resolve it. What you

943
00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:05,120
Speaker 1: need in that moment is to say to each other, Hey,

944
00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:08,359
Speaker 1: we really care about each other. We're having this disagreement.

945
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:11,520
Speaker 1: We know we are confident and you have to have

946
00:49:11,600 --> 00:49:14,160
Speaker 1: confidence that we know how to resolve things.

947
00:49:14,200 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 3: We're going to resolve this later. Let's go have a

948
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:17,360
Speaker 3: good time.

949
00:49:18,360 --> 00:49:20,799
Speaker 1: And people think I can't do that because I'm going

950
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:22,919
Speaker 1: to be thinking about it the whole time. Well, that's

951
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,400
Speaker 1: your choice, but I want to say it's a choice.

952
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:30,080
Speaker 1: It is a very volitional choice. People say I can't

953
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:34,000
Speaker 1: help what I think about. Yes, you can. So a

954
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:36,800
Speaker 1: lot of times in relationships, you have lots of choices

955
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:37,560
Speaker 1: that you can make.

956
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,520
Speaker 3: You choose not to make them.

957
00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:44,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, well said, and Pria, I would say that. You know,

958
00:49:44,320 --> 00:49:46,719
Speaker 2: for me, there's two things that come to mind. One

959
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:49,359
Speaker 2: thing is what Laurie's saying. This idea that sometimes I'll

960
00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:51,839
Speaker 2: get some friends call me in a panic, like Jay,

961
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:54,680
Speaker 2: I've got an issue, and maybe I'm on stage, when

962
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 2: I'm getting in, I'll be like, call me back in

963
00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:59,200
Speaker 2: three days. And the reason why I say that sometimes

964
00:49:59,239 --> 00:50:01,440
Speaker 2: is because unless it's life or death, usually in three

965
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:02,759
Speaker 2: days when I mess with them and go, hey, what

966
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:05,399
Speaker 2: about that issue, They're like, n it's all right now. Yeah,

967
00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:08,279
Speaker 2: you know it was just this panic moment, And so

968
00:50:08,320 --> 00:50:09,920
Speaker 2: I think there is something to be said for that.

969
00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:12,920
Speaker 2: For me and Raddi, I talk a lot about in

970
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:15,080
Speaker 2: my book Eight Rules of Love that I wrote, I

971
00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:18,960
Speaker 2: talk a lot about fight styles, and I realized it

972
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:20,719
Speaker 2: took me a while to realize that me and Raddi

973
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 2: had different fight styles. So my fight style is the venor,

974
00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:27,360
Speaker 2: the talker, the fixer, like I want to fix it now,

975
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 2: so if I'm on that day, I want to fix

976
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:32,359
Speaker 2: it right now. And Radi's is the hider. She wants

977
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:35,759
Speaker 2: to think about it, reflect, introspect, and have time. So

978
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 2: I want to talk about it right now. She wants

979
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,840
Speaker 2: to talk about it in three days. And what we

980
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:42,719
Speaker 2: had to realize was, like Lourie said, have the confidence

981
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:45,000
Speaker 2: to say, Okay, we're gonna meet in the middle, we'll

982
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,480
Speaker 2: talk about it tomorrow. Right, We're gonna go on and

983
00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:49,320
Speaker 2: have that great time. We're gonna meet in the middle.

984
00:50:49,520 --> 00:50:51,120
Speaker 2: I want to talk about it now, you need three

985
00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:53,520
Speaker 2: days to process. In one and a half days, we'll

986
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:55,600
Speaker 2: take a look at it, because right now it's not

987
00:50:55,680 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 2: worth our time. You're not even ready. And actually, even

988
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:01,000
Speaker 2: though I want to fix it now, I actually don't

989
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:04,240
Speaker 2: know enough to do that. And so recognizing the different

990
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:07,279
Speaker 2: ways in which you approach conflict, because what I used

991
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:08,799
Speaker 2: to think before is well, if you want to talk

992
00:51:08,800 --> 00:51:10,239
Speaker 2: about it in three days, that means you don't care

993
00:51:10,280 --> 00:51:13,879
Speaker 2: as much as I do, which isn't true. She's actually saying, well,

994
00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:15,680
Speaker 2: the fact you want to talk about it now means

995
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:17,680
Speaker 2: you don't care as much as I do, because I

996
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:19,800
Speaker 2: want time to think about it. So you've got to

997
00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:22,480
Speaker 2: build up that understanding of the way you both respond

998
00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:26,120
Speaker 2: to conflict, and taking Lorrie's advice, recognize that now's not

999
00:51:26,239 --> 00:51:29,520
Speaker 2: the time or the place, and we're probably going to

1000
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:31,719
Speaker 2: be in a better mindset if we let this go

1001
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 2: and deal with it at a proper time and place.

1002
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:35,800
Speaker 2: So I love Lory's.

1003
00:51:35,440 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 1: Advice, right, And also you have to realize that the

1004
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:40,879
Speaker 1: connection is not severed. Just because you have a disagreement

1005
00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:44,759
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that the connection has been damaged in any way.

1006
00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:46,920
Speaker 3: People are going to have disagreements all the time.

1007
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:49,000
Speaker 1: And it's kind of like when you start a new

1008
00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:51,440
Speaker 1: exercise and you start building up muscle. You need to

1009
00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:54,719
Speaker 1: build up the muscle of we know how to resolve

1010
00:51:55,000 --> 00:51:58,279
Speaker 1: differences between us, and so the more you do it,

1011
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:00,280
Speaker 1: so the first time it might be a little shape,

1012
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 1: the second time it still might be a little shaky.

1013
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:04,960
Speaker 1: But every time you learn something new about how we

1014
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:08,480
Speaker 1: resolve differences together, and then when you resolve differences all

1015
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:10,240
Speaker 1: the time, it's like, oh, yeah, we had a difference,

1016
00:52:10,480 --> 00:52:12,360
Speaker 1: We're gonna still have a good night because our connection

1017
00:52:12,480 --> 00:52:15,000
Speaker 1: is strong. We're confident we can resolve it later.

1018
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:17,840
Speaker 2: Thanks for you. I hope that helps. Thank you so

1019
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:24,120
Speaker 2: much for your question. Hey man, I wants your.

1020
00:52:24,120 --> 00:52:28,440
Speaker 5: Name jab Snail. My wife's not here today, but I

1021
00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:29,400
Speaker 5: came with my sister.

1022
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:32,680
Speaker 1: But then you can tell us everything exactly.

1023
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:35,640
Speaker 2: So he's not here, so it's a no.

1024
00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:41,200
Speaker 5: But my question is like, sometimes you know, we we

1025
00:52:41,239 --> 00:52:43,960
Speaker 5: don't communicate, Like we're just sitting there and I'm going

1026
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:47,200
Speaker 5: to give a scenario, but you know, sometimes I'm really

1027
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:51,160
Speaker 5: trying hard to understand, you know, but there's no communication

1028
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:57,440
Speaker 5: And the biggest thing that I struggle with is, you know,

1029
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:01,120
Speaker 5: the love language is gifting, right, like what you know,

1030
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:04,200
Speaker 5: what to get her on her birthday or what to

1031
00:53:04,239 --> 00:53:07,720
Speaker 5: get her for you know, a certain event, and then

1032
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,920
Speaker 5: you spend so much time and then you get her

1033
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 5: something and you see the reaction on the face. And

1034
00:53:13,120 --> 00:53:17,520
Speaker 5: it's not always perfect, so you know, but sometimes I

1035
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:20,960
Speaker 5: hit it right. It's like, you know, sometimes I get

1036
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:23,239
Speaker 5: it and sometimes I do, But what do you do

1037
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:25,960
Speaker 5: to kind of really understand what is it that that

1038
00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:27,640
Speaker 5: other person wants?

1039
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:28,359
Speaker 2: Right?

1040
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:30,400
Speaker 7: And yeah, that's my question.

1041
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:32,560
Speaker 5: Thank you know, my wife's probably going to watch this

1042
00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 5: video my sister took, but yeah, thanks for that question.

1043
00:53:38,400 --> 00:53:40,560
Speaker 1: So this goes back to the mind reading that we

1044
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:44,680
Speaker 1: were talking about that people think somehow, you know, if

1045
00:53:44,719 --> 00:53:46,880
Speaker 1: you loved me that much, you would know what gift

1046
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:49,520
Speaker 1: I want and you would not get it wrong. But

1047
00:53:49,600 --> 00:53:51,919
Speaker 1: I think there's something so beautiful to kind of turn

1048
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:54,200
Speaker 1: it around and kind of turn it on its side,

1049
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:57,880
Speaker 1: is to say, I love you so much that it

1050
00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:01,919
Speaker 1: hurts me to disappoint you. And so if you could

1051
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:05,120
Speaker 1: give me a list of like five things, and I

1052
00:54:05,160 --> 00:54:07,399
Speaker 1: will surprise you with the one with one of them,

1053
00:54:07,400 --> 00:54:10,920
Speaker 1: but at least now I have some idea of you

1054
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:12,640
Speaker 1: want all of these things, you will be happy with

1055
00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:15,440
Speaker 1: all of them, and I can show my love by

1056
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:19,759
Speaker 1: getting you exactly what you want. You won't know which

1057
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 1: one it is, so it's still kind of a surprise.

1058
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:25,279
Speaker 1: But I think that we have to understand that there's

1059
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,439
Speaker 1: different ways to love people, and one way to love

1060
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:31,080
Speaker 1: someone is to say, making you happy is my way

1061
00:54:31,120 --> 00:54:31,759
Speaker 1: of loving you.

1062
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:35,359
Speaker 3: So can you help me with that?

1063
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:41,160
Speaker 2: Yeah? I completely agree. I think that. So when me

1064
00:54:41,160 --> 00:54:43,279
Speaker 2: and Radley first started daying, my love language was gifts

1065
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 2: as and I like receiving gifts, but I like surprises,

1066
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:49,319
Speaker 2: And this all goes back to childhood my mom. We

1067
00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:51,439
Speaker 2: don't have a lot growing up, but my mom would

1068
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:53,600
Speaker 2: surprise me with the one gift I always wanted on

1069
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:56,160
Speaker 2: my birthday, right, and it could be the smallest thing,

1070
00:54:56,200 --> 00:54:58,839
Speaker 2: but I remember it so well. So when I first

1071
00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:00,719
Speaker 2: started dying, Radley and I had and really thought that

1072
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:03,160
Speaker 2: through and I wasn't aware of that I wanted her

1073
00:55:03,160 --> 00:55:05,880
Speaker 2: to surprise me with a gift, so she kind of

1074
00:55:05,960 --> 00:55:09,880
Speaker 2: knew that I wanted a tablet, right, and my birthday

1075
00:55:09,920 --> 00:55:13,759
Speaker 2: came around this tablet sized box was there it was

1076
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:17,120
Speaker 2: wrapped up in gift wrapping whatever. I open it up,

1077
00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:21,880
Speaker 2: I take it out. It's a tablet box. It's an Asis.

1078
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:27,719
Speaker 2: What the hell is an ass? Right? And I'm mortified.

1079
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:30,440
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm like, what's an asis?

1080
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 1: Like?

1081
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:32,319
Speaker 2: I was trying to read it. I'm like, am I

1082
00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:34,799
Speaker 2: even reading it around? Is it sousa? Is it ass?

1083
00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:38,440
Speaker 2: Is it like? And I'm like, tablets are iPads? Right, Like,

1084
00:55:38,520 --> 00:55:42,319
Speaker 2: there's an iPad. There's nothing like, there's nothing else. And

1085
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:45,600
Speaker 2: so I am mortified that she got me an ass

1086
00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:48,279
Speaker 2: And I remember talking to her about this and then

1087
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:50,239
Speaker 2: she was like she was like, yeah, but I spoke

1088
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:51,800
Speaker 2: to my dad and my brother in law, and you know,

1089
00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 2: they were telling me Asis is the best deal and

1090
00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:56,640
Speaker 2: the speck is really good. And I'm like, my mom

1091
00:55:56,680 --> 00:55:58,560
Speaker 2: doesn't care about what the best deal is. I just

1092
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:01,759
Speaker 2: want the best tablet. And so I've been there. I

1093
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:04,960
Speaker 2: know what that feels like. And gifting in our relationship

1094
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:08,359
Speaker 2: was a long time conversation and it really did take

1095
00:56:08,440 --> 00:56:10,920
Speaker 2: that where it got to a point where I was like,

1096
00:56:11,719 --> 00:56:15,439
Speaker 2: I'm setting up the person I love for failure. I'm

1097
00:56:15,480 --> 00:56:18,800
Speaker 2: literally setting them up for failure by wanting them to guess,

1098
00:56:19,120 --> 00:56:21,239
Speaker 2: wanting them to get it right, wanting them to know

1099
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:24,799
Speaker 2: the perfect thing, I'm setting them up for failure. And

1100
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:27,400
Speaker 2: guess what, no one wants to feel like a failure

1101
00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:31,399
Speaker 2: in a relationship. And so when you can openly say

1102
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:35,000
Speaker 2: that to someone too, jelluk and saying, hey, look like

1103
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:36,759
Speaker 2: what Laurie was saying, like, I don't want to feel

1104
00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:38,920
Speaker 2: like a failure. Like I love you, I want you

1105
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:41,920
Speaker 2: to have the best birthday ever, but I need you

1106
00:56:41,960 --> 00:56:44,000
Speaker 2: to help me understand what that looks like for you

1107
00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:46,520
Speaker 2: and what that means. And yes, I hope that one

1108
00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:49,360
Speaker 2: day I will be able to understand because we've talked

1109
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:52,640
Speaker 2: about it so much, but without the communication and without that,

1110
00:56:52,840 --> 00:56:56,120
Speaker 2: I just won't know, right, I just won't know. And

1111
00:56:56,160 --> 00:56:58,759
Speaker 2: so it's hard in your situation because you're on the

1112
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:03,600
Speaker 2: receiving and you're the ruddy the relationship. But that's where

1113
00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:06,759
Speaker 2: we got to in the end, and I realized, and

1114
00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:09,640
Speaker 2: obviously over time I realized how wrong I was for

1115
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:12,520
Speaker 2: my approach and my perspective on it. And it made

1116
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,960
Speaker 2: me realize how much our childhood, as Laurie was saying earlier,

1117
00:57:16,280 --> 00:57:19,760
Speaker 2: has programmed us to believe what a perfect birthday is

1118
00:57:20,120 --> 00:57:22,280
Speaker 2: now I've changed my views on what a perfect birthday

1119
00:57:22,400 --> 00:57:25,800
Speaker 2: is because of that negative experience, because of making the

1120
00:57:25,840 --> 00:57:29,680
Speaker 2: person I love feel that way, And so I hope

1121
00:57:29,680 --> 00:57:31,720
Speaker 2: that stays with you to take Laurie's advice to really

1122
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:34,720
Speaker 2: communicate that, to make that point that, hey, I want

1123
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:36,120
Speaker 2: you to have the best birthday. I don't want to

1124
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:38,160
Speaker 2: let you down. I don't want to feel like a failure.

1125
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:40,000
Speaker 2: I want you to have something amazing. But I need

1126
00:57:40,040 --> 00:57:44,200
Speaker 2: your help because I can't read minds. I wish I could,

1127
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:46,120
Speaker 2: but I can't, and no one else can, by the way,

1128
00:57:46,160 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 2: not even Rather he can. And you know Jay said that,

1129
00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:51,560
Speaker 2: you know he's kind of like you, So hopefully that

1130
00:57:51,600 --> 00:57:52,120
Speaker 2: helps too.

1131
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:55,640
Speaker 1: And I think that childhood stuff is so important because

1132
00:57:55,680 --> 00:57:57,600
Speaker 1: we think, you know, if you were someone who got

1133
00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,880
Speaker 1: everything your mom did it perfectly, then you think, well,

1134
00:58:00,920 --> 00:58:03,160
Speaker 1: that's what that's what feeling special is like. So if

1135
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:05,840
Speaker 1: she doesn't do that, then she doesn't think I'm special,

1136
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,600
Speaker 1: Or if you didn't get the gifts that you wanted,

1137
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: because you think my parents didn't really know me, like

1138
00:58:10,600 --> 00:58:12,280
Speaker 1: I was an artist and they got me like a

1139
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:14,920
Speaker 1: baseball bat. You know, it's like what, like do you

1140
00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:17,800
Speaker 1: even know me, that's what you then you project that

1141
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:20,240
Speaker 1: onto your partner. It's not that your partner doesn't know you,

1142
00:58:20,920 --> 00:58:22,800
Speaker 1: but you know the fine tuning of it.

1143
00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:23,919
Speaker 3: Sometimes they need some help.

1144
00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:26,200
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And I realized I did tell my mom. She

1145
00:58:26,320 --> 00:58:29,000
Speaker 2: was just sneaky at finding out. Yeah, Like it's not

1146
00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:30,440
Speaker 2: like she knew I would tell it. I was like,

1147
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:31,400
Speaker 2: I want to power range you.

1148
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:35,760
Speaker 1: It was very that sneaky day. That's really sneaky. I

1149
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:36,600
Speaker 1: want a power ranger.

1150
00:58:36,880 --> 00:58:38,720
Speaker 2: But it's like you did, like they didn't read your

1151
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:42,000
Speaker 2: mind either, Like right, find out in a multitude of ways.

1152
00:58:42,280 --> 00:58:43,240
Speaker 2: All right, next question.

1153
00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:47,640
Speaker 8: I actually had to write mine down because I thought

1154
00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:48,760
Speaker 8: I was gonna get nervous.

1155
00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:50,840
Speaker 3: Okay, so my.

1156
00:58:50,920 --> 00:58:56,320
Speaker 8: Question is am I being selfish or showing narcissistic traits

1157
00:58:56,760 --> 00:59:01,120
Speaker 8: for needing more time and attention in a relationship? Or

1158
00:59:01,240 --> 00:59:04,520
Speaker 8: is it a valid or is it valid to simply

1159
00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:08,080
Speaker 8: express what I needed to feel connected and valued.

1160
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:13,640
Speaker 1: So if you were to ask Instagram this question, you

1161
00:59:13,680 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: guys all know what the answer on Instagram is. Right, No,

1162
00:59:16,680 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 1: you're not a narcissist. You should have all the time

1163
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:23,480
Speaker 1: and attention that you need. Right, that's the Instagram answer.

1164
00:59:24,320 --> 00:59:29,080
Speaker 1: I have a slightly more nuanced answer, And I think

1165
00:59:29,120 --> 00:59:32,760
Speaker 1: that we have to really understand that being in a

1166
00:59:32,800 --> 00:59:37,000
Speaker 1: relationship is relational, that the person that you're with has

1167
00:59:37,160 --> 00:59:41,480
Speaker 1: needs too, and so when you when they when for

1168
00:59:41,640 --> 00:59:47,280
Speaker 1: them it feels too demanding, the question is are.

1169
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:48,400
Speaker 3: They getting their needs met too?

1170
00:59:48,440 --> 00:59:50,680
Speaker 1: Because usually when they think the other person's too demanding,

1171
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:52,680
Speaker 1: it means that there's not enough room for both of

1172
00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:56,040
Speaker 1: you in the relationship. So that's really your guide, like

1173
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:59,080
Speaker 1: do both of you feel like you're getting your needs met?

1174
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,720
Speaker 1: Both of you feel like there's enough room there, so

1175
01:00:02,760 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 1: it's not just a cut and dry you know, well,

1176
01:00:05,040 --> 01:00:07,200
Speaker 1: they should, of course, all of my needs should be

1177
01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:09,200
Speaker 1: met for how much time I want to spend with

1178
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:12,800
Speaker 1: them or write it's a conversation and it evolves.

1179
01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:16,200
Speaker 2: I think it comes down to a few things. The

1180
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:21,640
Speaker 2: first thing I'd say is are you clear about what

1181
01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:27,160
Speaker 2: that means? Like, for example, if it's unclear, like I

1182
01:00:27,200 --> 01:00:30,080
Speaker 2: wish that person would message me all day, call me

1183
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:34,560
Speaker 2: twice a day, be there for me every evening. You know,

1184
01:00:34,680 --> 01:00:37,080
Speaker 2: it's like that can be a lot and it may

1185
01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:38,760
Speaker 2: not be clear. Or as if it's clear, like hey,

1186
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:40,080
Speaker 2: I just want to spend two hours with you on

1187
01:00:40,120 --> 01:00:43,120
Speaker 2: a Saturday afternoon and have it just be us right,

1188
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:46,200
Speaker 2: it's really clear, it's really specific, it's really organized, or

1189
01:00:46,280 --> 01:00:47,880
Speaker 2: is it like, hey, I just need you all the time.

1190
01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:50,240
Speaker 2: And so much of this comes down to our attachment

1191
01:00:50,280 --> 01:00:52,960
Speaker 2: styles and and how the other person makes us feel

1192
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:55,480
Speaker 2: as well. I think the challenge we have in this

1193
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:59,160
Speaker 2: in your question is we don't know enough about the

1194
01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:03,080
Speaker 2: other person in the world relationship. And often I've seen

1195
01:01:03,120 --> 01:01:05,680
Speaker 2: it that if the other person's prioritizing a bunch of

1196
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:09,240
Speaker 2: other stuff and you don't feel prioritized and you're not

1197
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:12,560
Speaker 2: a part of the priorities in the schedule, then that's unfair,

1198
01:01:13,240 --> 01:01:15,880
Speaker 2: right if you've had a conversation. But that's why it

1199
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:20,160
Speaker 2: comes down to having a conversation, setting expectations extremely clearly,

1200
01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:23,840
Speaker 2: being really specific, and then looking at the reality of

1201
01:01:23,880 --> 01:01:26,720
Speaker 2: their lifestyle. Like I meet a lot of people who

1202
01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:29,280
Speaker 2: say to me, I really want my partner to be ambitious,

1203
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:32,280
Speaker 2: but I want them to be really available, and I'm like,

1204
01:01:32,360 --> 01:01:35,560
Speaker 2: those two things just don't go together. Like the reality

1205
01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,920
Speaker 2: is that person doesn't exist. It's really really hard for

1206
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:42,800
Speaker 2: someone to be super ambitious and super available because that

1207
01:01:42,840 --> 01:01:45,360
Speaker 2: comes with certain give and take. I'm not saying it's

1208
01:01:45,400 --> 01:01:47,800
Speaker 2: not possible to have someone who's slightly ambitious and available.

1209
01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:50,840
Speaker 2: I'm saying that having both in their most extreme form

1210
01:01:51,360 --> 01:01:53,960
Speaker 2: is unrealistic. And so I think it's really looking at

1211
01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:57,160
Speaker 2: the complete person rather than this one area of them,

1212
01:01:57,560 --> 01:01:59,360
Speaker 2: because they may be really great at a bunch of

1213
01:01:59,360 --> 01:02:02,280
Speaker 2: other stuff and they need to improve in this area,

1214
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:04,720
Speaker 2: or they're not great at any of it and they're

1215
01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:06,800
Speaker 2: not good at this area. And then you've got to

1216
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:10,080
Speaker 2: really look for what you deserve and not settle for less.

1217
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:11,920
Speaker 1: And I want to say one thing. You used the

1218
01:02:11,920 --> 01:02:15,920
Speaker 1: word narcissist. It is not narcissistic to have needs. So

1219
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:20,320
Speaker 1: a narcissist is someone who is all about themselves. But

1220
01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:22,600
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean because you have needs and you want

1221
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:25,280
Speaker 1: to spend time with your partner, even if those needs

1222
01:02:25,280 --> 01:02:27,800
Speaker 1: are maybe more than that partner wants or can deal with,

1223
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:31,520
Speaker 1: you're not a narcissist. You're human. That's human we want

1224
01:02:31,520 --> 01:02:33,040
Speaker 1: to connect with. We have needs.

1225
01:02:33,240 --> 01:02:39,560
Speaker 2: Absolutely not a narcissist, for sure. It's good for clarifying that. Well,

1226
01:02:39,760 --> 01:02:41,320
Speaker 2: take one last question.

1227
01:02:41,520 --> 01:02:45,760
Speaker 3: I really love you Jay your recent love you to Gayl.

1228
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:46,840
Speaker 3: I'm learning about you.

1229
01:02:46,920 --> 01:02:51,560
Speaker 10: I really appreciate you. We're talking a lot about couples

1230
01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:57,760
Speaker 10: and relationships and everything that you've talked about today, How

1231
01:02:57,800 --> 01:03:03,280
Speaker 10: does that apply to couples are experienced neurodivergence, Because when

1232
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 10: you're saying, you know, in the real play earlier, I

1233
01:03:06,080 --> 01:03:10,240
Speaker 10: was thinking, yeah, like an hour would be great, But

1234
01:03:10,320 --> 01:03:14,080
Speaker 10: if you're a neurodivergent like myself, it's really hard to

1235
01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:15,080
Speaker 10: go from one test to.

1236
01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:17,360
Speaker 3: Another, to another to another to another like a.

1237
01:03:17,400 --> 01:03:21,720
Speaker 10: Switch test, you know, task switching and executive functioning. And

1238
01:03:21,760 --> 01:03:25,800
Speaker 10: so you're talking a lot about Uh, it just feels.

1239
01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:29,400
Speaker 1: Like, Caitlin, in this scenario, you're the neurodivergent person or

1240
01:03:29,440 --> 01:03:29,840
Speaker 1: your partner.

1241
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:33,000
Speaker 10: The question is, how do you everything that you've all

1242
01:03:33,080 --> 01:03:36,880
Speaker 10: the advice that you've given for couples, How would that

1243
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:40,800
Speaker 10: be different or the same for a couple that has

1244
01:03:40,840 --> 01:03:45,800
Speaker 10: someone with with one person that's neurodivergent or both because

1245
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:50,760
Speaker 10: they're My husband is also neurodivergent. So it's a it's

1246
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:54,800
Speaker 10: a learning curve and it's wonderful, but it everything that

1247
01:03:54,800 --> 01:04:02,120
Speaker 10: you're talking about applies differently, and so oh hello, So

1248
01:04:02,160 --> 01:04:05,080
Speaker 10: I'm just to understand trying to understand what that looks like.

1249
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:07,080
Speaker 3: You know, I think that we are all.

1250
01:04:07,240 --> 01:04:10,600
Speaker 1: Neurodivergence is out of spectrum, and we are all whether

1251
01:04:10,640 --> 01:04:13,040
Speaker 1: we have a diagnosis or we don't have a diagnosis.

1252
01:04:13,480 --> 01:04:17,000
Speaker 1: You know, we're all different from each other, and whether

1253
01:04:17,120 --> 01:04:22,120
Speaker 1: you have a diagnosis, that makes it a little more challenging. Regardless,

1254
01:04:22,200 --> 01:04:25,920
Speaker 1: we still have to learn who the other person is,

1255
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:27,960
Speaker 1: what are some of their strengths, what are some of

1256
01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:30,440
Speaker 1: the challenges, what are some of our strengths, What are

1257
01:04:30,480 --> 01:04:33,440
Speaker 1: some of our challenges, and how.

1258
01:04:33,280 --> 01:04:34,760
Speaker 3: Do we communicate about them?

1259
01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:37,760
Speaker 1: And we've had you know, I see so many couples

1260
01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:40,160
Speaker 1: where you know, someone will say, well, my partner's on

1261
01:04:40,200 --> 01:04:42,760
Speaker 1: the spectrum, or my partner deals with this or that,

1262
01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:47,560
Speaker 1: and it's the same. You know, there's like specifics to

1263
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:51,160
Speaker 1: a specific diagnosis, but at the same time, the same

1264
01:04:51,280 --> 01:04:54,240
Speaker 1: kind of human issues around how do we communicate about

1265
01:04:54,240 --> 01:04:56,440
Speaker 1: our differences? What do we do with these challenges that

1266
01:04:56,480 --> 01:04:59,280
Speaker 1: maybe are a little bit more challenging because of this

1267
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:00,640
Speaker 1: person's neuro divergence.

1268
01:05:01,240 --> 01:05:02,360
Speaker 3: But I don't I don't.

1269
01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:04,600
Speaker 1: I think when people kind of try to label and

1270
01:05:04,600 --> 01:05:07,320
Speaker 1: get kind of stuck in because of this this is

1271
01:05:07,320 --> 01:05:08,920
Speaker 1: why I'm acting this way, or this is why my

1272
01:05:08,960 --> 01:05:11,600
Speaker 1: partner acts this way. We lose the person behind the

1273
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:14,080
Speaker 1: diagnosis and we never ever ever want to do that.

1274
01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:16,600
Speaker 1: You will lose so much about the person if you

1275
01:05:16,640 --> 01:05:19,480
Speaker 1: see everything through the lens of their neurodivergence.

1276
01:05:25,960 --> 01:05:29,680
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, that's all we have time for today, for the questions. Uh,

1277
01:05:30,240 --> 01:05:33,240
Speaker 2: I want to give it up for Lorrie. Got leave everyone,

1278
01:05:33,440 --> 01:05:39,600
Speaker 2: you please make some noise. So so grateful, Thank you, Larry.

1279
01:05:40,320 --> 01:05:43,720
Speaker 3: This is so great, amazing, Thank you you and U

1280
01:05:43,800 --> 01:05:46,320
Speaker 3: for Lori. Everyone, thank you so much.

1281
01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:50,000
Speaker 2: Thank you. Hey everyone. If you love that conversation, go

1282
01:05:50,040 --> 01:05:53,200
Speaker 2: and check on my episode with the world's leading therapist,

1283
01:05:53,560 --> 01:05:57,600
Speaker 2: Lorrie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people

1284
01:05:57,680 --> 01:06:02,040
Speaker 2: ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak,

1285
01:06:02,200 --> 01:06:04,920
Speaker 2: and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space

1286
01:06:05,040 --> 01:06:07,840
Speaker 2: right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

1287
01:06:08,240 --> 01:06:11,000
Speaker 1: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.

1288
01:06:11,480 --> 01:06:15,040
Speaker 3: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.

1289
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:19,000
Speaker 3: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.