Speaker 1: Long term love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built
Speaker 1: in the quiet moments, because life is about how you
Speaker 1: both feel on a Tuesday evening. Life is about how
Speaker 1: you feel on a Monday morning before work. Life is
Speaker 1: about how you feel coming home to that person on
Speaker 1: a Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations. It isn't
Speaker 1: about the once a year trips. It isn't about the
Speaker 1: wedding day. That's one percent of the experience with this person.
Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay
Speaker 1: Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm
Speaker 1: Jay Chatty, and I am so grateful and so thankful
Speaker 1: that you've tuned back in. I love seeing your reviews.
Speaker 1: I love seeing your posts. Keep them coming. It fuels me,
Speaker 1: It gives me energy. I love bumping into you all
Speaker 1: on the street. Always say hi. It's meant the world
Speaker 1: to me. I've been traveling a lot lately, so I've
Speaker 1: met some of you in Rome, i met some of
Speaker 1: you in London, I've met people in Paris all over
Speaker 1: the world. So keep telling me that you listen on Purpose.
Speaker 1: It makes my day and I love giving you a
Speaker 1: big hug. And saying hello back. Today, I want to
Speaker 1: talk about something really important. It's everything I wish I
Speaker 1: knew about love in my twenties. Now, whether you're in
Speaker 1: your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties, all of
Speaker 1: these messages still apply, and I want you to take
Speaker 1: them in because what I find is that love is
Speaker 1: what we all want in life, but it's also the
Speaker 1: most misunderstood. It's one of those areas of our life
Speaker 1: that we all crave, chase, and need, but don't really
Speaker 1: define and understand deeply. And when I look at my life,
Speaker 1: I look at how so much of my life around
Speaker 1: love was defined by what I saw in the movies,
Speaker 1: the media, and how it was presented to me. The
Speaker 1: romantic comedies that we watch growing up, the novels, the books,
Speaker 1: the stories, the music videos. They all defined. They planted
Speaker 1: seeds into our beliefs and expectations about love. When you
Speaker 1: watch the Notebook, you see these two people fall in love.
Speaker 1: But then when you actually look at it closely, you
Speaker 1: see a character hanging off a ferris wheel telling the
Speaker 1: girl he will let go if she doesn't say yes.
Speaker 1: Extremely unhealthy, right, very very unhealthy. And then when you
Speaker 1: start to look at a lot of these movies a
Speaker 1: lot more deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy
Speaker 1: ideas about love. It's remarkable to me that at the
Speaker 1: time we just ignored them, even if you look at
Speaker 1: movies of sleeping beauty cartoons where the princes had to
Speaker 1: come and save the sleeping beauty, right, the idea of
Speaker 1: being saved, the idea of this night in shining armor
Speaker 1: to no wonder, that we're waiting for that person to
Speaker 1: come through the door and sweep us off our feet.
Speaker 1: And then of course every movie ended with happily ever after.
Speaker 1: It rarely got into the reality of the fight about
Speaker 1: washing the dishes, all the money problems that appear, or
Speaker 1: the fact that the kids are now going to school
Speaker 1: and how do we want to raise them. All of
Speaker 1: that was missed in all the movies because it ended
Speaker 1: with a shot of a car driving off into the
Speaker 1: sunset and feeling like that was the end and everything
Speaker 1: was perfect. So we've been sold lies about love from
Speaker 1: dating to moving in to getting married because the marriage
Speaker 1: was the end of the movie, when in reality, moving
Speaker 1: in and getting married is the beginning of your life together.
Speaker 1: So it's fascinating to me that we missed so many ideas,
Speaker 1: and therefore I had to make this video about everything
Speaker 1: I wish I knew about love earlier, because it would
Speaker 1: have made my relationships better, it would have made me
Speaker 1: feel less hurt in my life, and it would have
Speaker 1: made me expect differently of the people that I was with.
Speaker 1: The first one is this chemistry isn't compatibility. Here's the
Speaker 1: principle all of us today over index on the value
Speaker 1: of chemistry. We believe that if we feel chemistry, this
Speaker 1: is our person. This is the one we're meant to
Speaker 1: spend the rest of our lives with, and this is
Speaker 1: what love is all about. Some of us will miss
Speaker 1: out on incredible partners because we didn't feel chemistry on
Speaker 1: date one, and some of us will stay with people
Speaker 1: that we have amazing chemistry with even though we don't
Speaker 1: have anything else. How many of you have stayed in
Speaker 1: a relationship whether sex was amazing, even if you didn't
Speaker 1: connect on a deeper level. I'm sure there's many of you.
Speaker 1: How many of you stayed in a relationship where you
Speaker 1: had lots of chemistry even though you secretly worried and
Speaker 1: were anxious that that person was cheating on you or
Speaker 1: there were other red flags. Chemistry makes you ignore the
Speaker 1: things that actually make a relationship healthy, and we miss
Speaker 1: out on people who would be amazing partners for us
Speaker 1: because we didn't feel chemistry in the beginning. When your
Speaker 1: heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant
Speaker 1: to be, But research shows we often confuse excitement, anxiety,
Speaker 1: or even danger for attraction that spark. Sometimes it's adrenaline.
Speaker 1: So here's the takeaway. Feeling drawn to someone doesn't mean
Speaker 1: they're right for you. It means your nervous system is activated.
Speaker 1: Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself,
Speaker 1: do I feel safe or just stimulated. I read a
Speaker 1: study that talked about how when we first are attracted
Speaker 1: to someone, we experience two things stress and excitement. That's
Speaker 1: actually what we experience to be chemistry. So we have
Speaker 1: the stress of do they like me? But we have
Speaker 1: the excitement of I think I like them. We have
Speaker 1: the stress of will I get their number? And then
Speaker 1: we have the excitement of I just got their number,
Speaker 1: And then we have the stress of, well, what do
Speaker 1: I message them? And then we have the excitement of
Speaker 1: they just messaged me back, And then we have the
Speaker 1: stress of will they message me first, will they ask
Speaker 1: me out? But then we have the excitement of we're
Speaker 1: going out on a date. And this stress and excitement
Speaker 1: is what creates chemistry and this spark. But here's what
Speaker 1: happens over time. The stress goes down when you spend
Speaker 1: more time with someone, you know they're going to text you,
Speaker 1: you know they're going to show up on time. You've
Speaker 1: now gone exclusive, you moved in together. So now the
Speaker 1: stress goes down, so the excitement doesn't feel as high.
Speaker 1: We now confuse that lack of stress as boredom, when
Speaker 1: actually it's peace. That's what your nervous system was looking
Speaker 1: for anyway. But we confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability
Speaker 1: with boredom. We think, if things have become peaceful, we
Speaker 1: lost the spark. No, you didn't. You lost the stress.
Speaker 1: You weren't stressed out anymore. Are they going to text?
Speaker 1: Are they going to show up? Do they like me?
Speaker 1: They do text, they do show up, They do like me.
Speaker 1: Don't confuse a lack of stress as a lack of spark.
Speaker 1: A good relationship is where you feel safe and stimulated.
Speaker 1: It's when you feel seen and excited. A healthy relationship
Speaker 1: is one way you feel heard without having to shout.
Speaker 1: It's one way you feel loved without having to shrink.
Speaker 1: It's one where you feel respected in silence, not just
Speaker 1: praised in public. It's one where you feel desired for
Speaker 1: who you are, not just what you offer. It's a
Speaker 1: relationship where you feel pushed to grow, never pressured to perform,
Speaker 1: a place where peace isn't boring and passion isn't toxic
Speaker 1: because real love doesn't choose between calm and chemistry. It
Speaker 1: gives you both a lot of the times, we create
Speaker 1: drama in relationships because we're so used to it. We
Speaker 1: create problems because we're so used to them. We're not
Speaker 1: good at peace because we've never seen that before. And
Speaker 1: I wish I knew that in my twenties. I actually
Speaker 1: wish I knew that in my teens because I probably
Speaker 1: allowed for too much drama or added to it because
Speaker 1: I believe that was excitement. We believe that stress is excitement.
Speaker 1: And you may say, no, Jay, I don't want stress
Speaker 1: in a relationship, want drama? Well, think about it. How
Speaker 1: much do you allow to happen to you? How much
Speaker 1: do you create yourself? So many of us will spend
Speaker 1: years of our life allowing people to bring drama and
Speaker 1: trauma into our lives instead of peace because we're more
Speaker 1: used to it. Stop doing that. Step Number two, love
Speaker 1: without boundaries is self abandonment in your twenties. It's easy
Speaker 1: to lose yourself in love, but healthy attachment requires a
Speaker 1: strong sense of self. Without boundaries, love turns into people
Speaker 1: pleasing and self abandonment. You can't build a we until
Speaker 1: you protect yourself. Write a list of three emotional non
Speaker 1: negotiables in relationships, things you won't bend on or leave behind,
Speaker 1: no matter who they are. How many of you know
Speaker 1: someone a friend, of family member maybe, and yourself who
Speaker 1: completely alienates and forgets about their friends when they're in
Speaker 1: a relationship. Right you completely ignore everyone you have a
Speaker 1: message back, You don't go out anymore. You've found your person,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, when that person breaks up
Speaker 1: with you, you now realize you feel alone. You don't
Speaker 1: have any friends. How many of you give up all
Speaker 1: your hobbies, all your interests, stop working out, you stop
Speaker 1: going to the places you love to hanging out because
Speaker 1: you have that person. Don't make that person your identity.
Speaker 1: Don't make that person your everything. Don't make that person
Speaker 1: your only thing, because if you leave them or they
Speaker 1: leave you, you feel like you are nothing. You'll feel
Speaker 1: like you don't have any value and don't know what
Speaker 1: your life's about. Boundaries bring the right people close and
Speaker 1: push the wrong ones out. They don't scare away love.
Speaker 1: They filter out the norse. They don't create distance. They
Speaker 1: reveal who's willing to meet you with respect. The people
Speaker 1: who leave when you set boundaries were never here for you,
Speaker 1: just your access. The right ones don't get offended, they
Speaker 1: get it. Boundaries don't block love, they protect it. I
Speaker 1: wish I knew about boundaries a lot earlier, because boundaries
Speaker 1: will protect you from causing harm to yourselves. If you
Speaker 1: set boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate, you
Speaker 1: won't stick around when people don't respect them. If you
Speaker 1: set boundaries that protect what you value, you won't stick
Speaker 1: around when people don't change their behavior. Too many of
Speaker 1: us accept, tolerate, and allow giving the other person space
Speaker 1: to behave with us wrongly because we never said boundary.
Speaker 1: I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of,
Speaker 1: screwed over, and when you look back, you realize that
Speaker 1: that person was always showing you who they were, but
Speaker 1: you kept allowing them to be that way. It wasn't
Speaker 1: your fault, but you allowed it to continue. And that's
Speaker 1: what we want to stop. That's what boundaries do. I'm
Speaker 1: excited to keep this conversation going, but first, let's take
Speaker 1: a short break for our sponsors. We'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. Step number three,
Speaker 1: how they handle boredom tells you everything. We overestimate how
Speaker 1: happy certain moments will make us dates, anniversaries, weddings, or
Speaker 1: big trips, but what actually predicts long term connection how
Speaker 1: you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night together. Long term
Speaker 1: love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built in the
Speaker 1: quiet moments. Ask yourself, would I still want to be
Speaker 1: around this person if nothing exciting ever happened again? Because
Speaker 1: life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening.
Speaker 1: Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning
Speaker 1: before work. Life is about how you feel coming home
Speaker 1: to that person on a Friday night. Life isn't about
Speaker 1: the vacations. It isn't about the once a year trips.
Speaker 1: It isn't about the wedding day. That's one percent of
Speaker 1: the experience with this person. You want to make sure
Speaker 1: that you have something that is good when there's nothing
Speaker 1: else exciting going on. An exciting life will cover the
Speaker 1: cracks of a bad relationship. A good relationship will make
Speaker 1: the exciting moments even better. The exciting moments will feel enhanced,
Speaker 1: the trips will feel like an amazing rush. But it
Speaker 1: has to be good without all of that. Something I
Speaker 1: wish I learned earlier. I always felt like I needed
Speaker 1: grand gestures, big dates, exciting moments to make something exciting.
Speaker 1: And then I realized, just a great conversation, feeling the
Speaker 1: calmness and the peace of my nervous system when I
Speaker 1: came home. I feel that every time I see Rather,
Speaker 1: even today. We both travel a lot for work. We
Speaker 1: both do a lot of exciting things for our work,
Speaker 1: but one of our favorite things is just having a routine.
Speaker 1: We're five days a week we're spending together, coming home
Speaker 1: after a busy day of work and just sitting together
Speaker 1: and doing nothing. Just being together can be some of
Speaker 1: my best memories. Step number four. Conflict doesn't ruin relationships.
Speaker 1: Avoiding it does. I used to think that the best
Speaker 1: couples don't fight. I used to think that if I
Speaker 1: was in a relationship with someone and we disagreed with
Speaker 1: each other, it was the wrong person. I now realize
Speaker 1: that relationships are a space for growth, not for comfort.
Speaker 1: If relationships are just about comfort, first of all, I
Speaker 1: don't know any that are. But if relationships are just
Speaker 1: about comfort, then you're not going anywhere. Relationships are meant
Speaker 1: to challenge you. They're men to make you grow. They're
Speaker 1: men to make you realize how selfish and greedy you are.
Speaker 1: The men to make you realize how it's important to
Speaker 1: think about someone else. They're men to make you more
Speaker 1: emotionally intelligent. Healthy couples don't avoid conflict. They manage it
Speaker 1: with repair. Here's the key. For every one negative interaction,
Speaker 1: you need five positive ones to stay emotionally connected. How
Speaker 1: you fight matters more than how often you fight. So
Speaker 1: on your next argument, try this, help me understand what
Speaker 1: this brought up for. You asked that, and then actually listen.
Speaker 1: Don't defend right. Usually when we fight, which is fighting
Speaker 1: for what our parents did, which is fighting for what's
Speaker 1: some old belief says. I used to think love means
Speaker 1: you don't fight. Now I know it means you know
Speaker 1: how to repair. I used to think love was proven
Speaker 1: by grand gestures. Now I know it's built in the small,
Speaker 1: consistent ones. I used to think love meant never needing space.
Speaker 1: Now I know it's respecting someone enough to give it
Speaker 1: to them. I used to think love was about never changing.
Speaker 1: Now I know it's about growing and still choosing each other.
Speaker 1: I used to think love should always feel easy, Now
Speaker 1: I know the real kind is chosen, especially when it's not.
Speaker 1: I used to think love was how loud they said it.
Speaker 1: Now I know it's how clearly they show it. Number
Speaker 1: five last is loud, but real love is often quiet.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing. Your brain craves novelty. That's why new
Speaker 1: relationships feel addicting. But over time the dopamine fades, and
Speaker 1: people mistake that for love fading. What you're really seeing
Speaker 1: is your brain adjusting. So here's the takeaway. The high
Speaker 1: of lust wears off, but emotional security is a slow
Speaker 1: burn track connection, not just attraction. Ask weekly and monthly
Speaker 1: do I feel more seen or more ignored? Over time?
Speaker 1: Do I feel safe? Or do I just feel stimulated?
Speaker 1: If they only excite you, it's chemistry. If they calm
Speaker 1: your nervous system. Its care. If they make your heart
Speaker 1: race but never your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment.
Speaker 1: If you're always guessing, it's not passion. It's emotional confusion.
Speaker 1: If you feel seen only when you're perfect, that's performance,
Speaker 1: not partnership. If they hype your highs but disappear in
Speaker 1: your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment. Real love isn't just sparked,
Speaker 1: it's steadiness. It's the one who brings peace to your chaos,
Speaker 1: not more chaos to your peace. It's the one who
Speaker 1: regulates your nervous system, not constantly triggers it. Because safety
Speaker 1: doesn't kill connection, it deepens it. And by the way,
Speaker 1: you have to do all of this back. I think
Speaker 1: when we talk about love, we all talk about it
Speaker 1: like what's someone doing for me? Is that person got
Speaker 1: red flags? What are they doing for me? What should
Speaker 1: they be doing for me? What are you doing for them?
Speaker 1: This is a really important thing to talk about. What
Speaker 1: are you doing for them? Are you also doing it back?
Speaker 1: And what I'm also going to add is no one
Speaker 1: is perfect when you meet them. No one is going
Speaker 1: to be the perfect partner for you. The day you
Speaker 1: meet them. It is the choice you both make every day,
Speaker 1: every week, every month, every year to become more of
Speaker 1: that person, to heal independently, to heal together, to connect more.
Speaker 1: A relationship is one where you're both willing to give
Speaker 1: each other patience to grow yourself and commit to growing together.
Speaker 1: That's a relationship. Here's how it goes in reality. You'll
Speaker 1: meet people who don't know how to listen. Are you
Speaker 1: patient enough to wait for them to learn? And do
Speaker 1: they want to learn for you? You'll date people who
Speaker 1: aren't emotionally intelligent or don't know how to convey their emotions.
Speaker 1: Are you willing to wait? And are they willing to learn?
Speaker 1: You'll meet people that feel you have a lot of baggage.
Speaker 1: Are they willing to wait for you? And are you
Speaker 1: willing to heal? Those are the only two questions. There's
Speaker 1: not going to be this perfect person who already speaks
Speaker 1: your language, who's already perfectly emotionally intelligent, who's already therapized
Speaker 1: and perfect and healed from every piece of baggage they have.
Speaker 1: It's the relationship that does that, That is part of
Speaker 1: the therapy, that is part of the healing. The only
Speaker 1: two questions that make a relationship successful. Are you willing
Speaker 1: to wait? Are they willing to heal? Are they willing
Speaker 1: to wait? Are you willing to heal? A relationship, a
Speaker 1: healthy one is where you're both patient while the other
Speaker 1: person heals, and you're both healing while the other person
Speaker 1: is patient. You're doing the work while they wait for you,
Speaker 1: and they're doing the work while you wait for them.
Speaker 1: That's what a real relationship looks like. I used to
Speaker 1: believe you're going to meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed,
Speaker 1: already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now we're just going
Speaker 1: to get each other. That is the biggest mistake you
Speaker 1: can make, especially if you're in a spiritual community where
Speaker 1: you just assume everyone knows all of this. They don't,
Speaker 1: and neither do you. Number six, Their attachment style will
Speaker 1: affect yours. You're not immune to your partner's patterns. A
Speaker 1: secure person can bring safety, an avoidant one can make
Speaker 1: you anxious, even if you weren't before. Our styles adapt
Speaker 1: to the emotional environment we're in. Who you choose will
Speaker 1: either soothe your nervous system or stir your survival instinct.
Speaker 1: Now neither is good. Or bad, because one could challenge
Speaker 1: you to grow. But it's important that you observe. Do
Speaker 1: I feel more regulated or more reactive around them? Your
Speaker 1: body knows before your brain does. The way they were
Speaker 1: loved will shape how they love you. The way they
Speaker 1: were cared for will shape how they care for you.
Speaker 1: If they were taught love is earned, they might make
Speaker 1: you prove yourself. If they were taught love was unpredictable,
Speaker 1: they might test your consistency. If they were never heard,
Speaker 1: they might not know how to listen. If they were
Speaker 1: never held, they might not know how to stay. People
Speaker 1: love through the lens of what they've survived. Not all
Speaker 1: distance is disinterest. You're not always being judged, you're sometimes
Speaker 1: being misunderstood. You're not responsible for their past, but you
Speaker 1: are responsible for how you protect your heart in the present.
Speaker 1: Because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't
Speaker 1: cost your peace. A real relationship is where we're willing
Speaker 1: to commit to do that healing work together. We are
Speaker 1: going to walk in with different backgrounds, different walks of life,
Speaker 1: different parenting. That's not an issue. If you try and
Speaker 1: find someone who's exactly like you or compliments you perfectly
Speaker 1: chances are you'll be looking forever. It's someone that is
Speaker 1: really there to do the work with you that makes
Speaker 1: all the difference. Number seven, Your standards are shaped by
Speaker 1: what you've repeated, not what you deserve. You tend to
Speaker 1: fall for what feels familiar, not what's healthy. If chaos
Speaker 1: or consistency was your normal growing up, love without drama
Speaker 1: might feel boring. But familiarity isn't the same as alignment.
Speaker 1: Here's the takeaway. Just because it feels familiar doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it's right. List the top three emotional patterns you keep
Speaker 1: repeating in relationships, then ask who taught me that was normal.
Speaker 1: Sometimes what feels like love is just a well rehearsed wound.
Speaker 1: It's the chaos that feels familiar, the inconsistent see that
Speaker 1: feels normal, the emotional unavailability that feels like a challenge
Speaker 1: you need to earn. You think you're drawn to them,
Speaker 1: but really you're drawn to what you've been conditioned to survive.
Speaker 1: You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger.
Speaker 1: It already knows how to handle. You think it's love
Speaker 1: because it hurts the same way you were first hurt.
Speaker 1: That's not love. It's memory. That's not a connection, it's
Speaker 1: a loop or a bad habit. How do we break
Speaker 1: that loop? So name the pattern, ask yourself, what does
Speaker 1: this feel like that I've felt before? Clarity is the
Speaker 1: first break in the cycle. Then interrupt the autopilot when
Speaker 1: someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself is
Speaker 1: this healthy or just familiar? And also ask yourself, do
Speaker 1: I need to become healthier? Because sometimes we don't like
Speaker 1: something it doesn't feel healthy because it actually challenges us
Speaker 1: to grow. That's not a bad thing in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I've found some of the best things in my relationship
Speaker 1: is when I was challenged to grow by things that
Speaker 1: I thought were unhealthy, and actually what it was requiring
Speaker 1: is more growth from me. Sometimes when something's unhealthy in
Speaker 1: a relationship, we think it's because that person's needs to grow,
Speaker 1: when actually it could be that you need to grow.
Speaker 1: Step number three of that redefine love in your language.
Speaker 1: Write down what love isn't. Then define what you want
Speaker 1: it to feel like, and by the way you should
Speaker 1: do this together. Do you both see love as safety,
Speaker 1: do you both see love as being seen? Are your
Speaker 1: expectations actually aligned? And finally, give yourself what you keep chasing,
Speaker 1: the validation, the presence, the approval. Give it to yourself
Speaker 1: daily so you don't bargain for it in someone else's hands.
Speaker 1: Here's my final thought. Most people chase love based on
Speaker 1: what they felt, not what they understood. But when you
Speaker 1: combine heart with science, emotion with self awareness, and attraction
Speaker 1: with alignment, you stop chasing fireworks and start building a
Speaker 1: real life. Thank you so much for listening to today.
Speaker 1: I hope this episode helps you. It took me a
Speaker 1: long time to learn these lessons and trying to share
Speaker 1: them with you in a really succinct, powerful way. Let
Speaker 1: me know what connected with you. Tag me in those
Speaker 1: stories and reels and tiktoks, and I'll see you again soon.
Speaker 1: Make sure you subscribe and don't miss out. I'll see
Speaker 1: you back here on on purpose. If you love this episode,
Speaker 1: you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on
Speaker 1: how to get over your ex and find true love
Speaker 1: in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves that
Speaker 1: extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending
Speaker 1: your compassion to your future is doing something that gives
Speaker 1: him or her a shot at a happy in a
Speaker 1: peaceful life,