WEBVTT - Stop Confusing Chemistry for Compatibility! (THIS Shift Will SAVE You from Wasting Time in the WRONG Relationships) 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:05.240 Long term love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built 0:00:05.640 --> 0:00:09.239 in the quiet moments, because life is about how you 0:00:09.240 --> 0:00:12.399 both feel on a Tuesday evening. Life is about how 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:15.960 you feel on a Monday morning before work. Life is 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:18.040 about how you feel coming home to that person on 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:22.319 a Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations. It isn't 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:25.119 about the once a year trips. It isn't about the 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:29.639 wedding day. That's one percent of the experience with this person. 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:33.520 The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay 0:00:33.560 --> 0:00:41.080 Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm 0:00:41.320 --> 0:00:44.280 Jay Chatty, and I am so grateful and so thankful 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:48.000 that you've tuned back in. I love seeing your reviews. 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:51.440 I love seeing your posts. Keep them coming. It fuels me, 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:54.000 It gives me energy. I love bumping into you all 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:56.360 on the street. Always say hi. It's meant the world 0:00:56.440 --> 0:00:58.640 to me. I've been traveling a lot lately, so I've 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:01.000 met some of you in Rome, i met some of 0:01:01.040 --> 0:01:04.840 you in London, I've met people in Paris all over 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:09.200 the world. So keep telling me that you listen on Purpose. 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:11.080 It makes my day and I love giving you a 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:13.480 big hug. And saying hello back. Today, I want to 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:17.959 talk about something really important. It's everything I wish I 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:21.360 knew about love in my twenties. Now, whether you're in 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:24.640 your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties, all of 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:28.400 these messages still apply, and I want you to take 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:32.000 them in because what I find is that love is 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:34.760 what we all want in life, but it's also the 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:38.560 most misunderstood. It's one of those areas of our life 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:42.959 that we all crave, chase, and need, but don't really 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:47.840 define and understand deeply. And when I look at my life, 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:51.040 I look at how so much of my life around 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:53.800 love was defined by what I saw in the movies, 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:57.920 the media, and how it was presented to me. The 0:01:58.040 --> 0:02:02.320 romantic comedies that we watch growing up, the novels, the books, 0:02:02.480 --> 0:02:07.320 the stories, the music videos. They all defined. They planted 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:12.919 seeds into our beliefs and expectations about love. When you 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:17.200 watch the Notebook, you see these two people fall in love. 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:20.760 But then when you actually look at it closely, you 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:25.520 see a character hanging off a ferris wheel telling the 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:28.919 girl he will let go if she doesn't say yes. 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:34.240 Extremely unhealthy, right, very very unhealthy. And then when you 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:35.960 start to look at a lot of these movies a 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:39.720 lot more deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:43.680 ideas about love. It's remarkable to me that at the 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:46.520 time we just ignored them, even if you look at 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:50.600 movies of sleeping beauty cartoons where the princes had to 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:55.000 come and save the sleeping beauty, right, the idea of 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:59.200 being saved, the idea of this night in shining armor 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:02.960 to no wonder, that we're waiting for that person to 0:03:03.000 --> 0:03:05.840 come through the door and sweep us off our feet. 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:10.880 And then of course every movie ended with happily ever after. 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:14.959 It rarely got into the reality of the fight about 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:18.880 washing the dishes, all the money problems that appear, or 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:21.080 the fact that the kids are now going to school 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:23.760 and how do we want to raise them. All of 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:26.080 that was missed in all the movies because it ended 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:29.000 with a shot of a car driving off into the 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:32.760 sunset and feeling like that was the end and everything 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:37.640 was perfect. So we've been sold lies about love from 0:03:37.720 --> 0:03:42.880 dating to moving in to getting married because the marriage 0:03:42.920 --> 0:03:45.680 was the end of the movie, when in reality, moving 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:48.520 in and getting married is the beginning of your life together. 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:52.320 So it's fascinating to me that we missed so many ideas, 0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:55.760 and therefore I had to make this video about everything 0:03:55.800 --> 0:03:59.480 I wish I knew about love earlier, because it would 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:03.040 have made my relationships better, it would have made me 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:06.800 feel less hurt in my life, and it would have 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:11.119 made me expect differently of the people that I was with. 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:17.360 The first one is this chemistry isn't compatibility. Here's the 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:21.440 principle all of us today over index on the value 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:25.279 of chemistry. We believe that if we feel chemistry, this 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:27.680 is our person. This is the one we're meant to 0:04:27.680 --> 0:04:30.359 spend the rest of our lives with, and this is 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:34.119 what love is all about. Some of us will miss 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:37.880 out on incredible partners because we didn't feel chemistry on 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:40.880 date one, and some of us will stay with people 0:04:40.920 --> 0:04:44.039 that we have amazing chemistry with even though we don't 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:46.680 have anything else. How many of you have stayed in 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:50.520 a relationship whether sex was amazing, even if you didn't 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.880 connect on a deeper level. I'm sure there's many of you. 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:56.640 How many of you stayed in a relationship where you 0:04:56.680 --> 0:05:00.920 had lots of chemistry even though you secretly worried and 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:04.120 were anxious that that person was cheating on you or 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:08.960 there were other red flags. Chemistry makes you ignore the 0:05:09.000 --> 0:05:13.679 things that actually make a relationship healthy, and we miss 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:16.840 out on people who would be amazing partners for us 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:21.240 because we didn't feel chemistry in the beginning. When your 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:25.520 heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:30.760 to be, But research shows we often confuse excitement, anxiety, 0:05:31.240 --> 0:05:37.520 or even danger for attraction that spark. Sometimes it's adrenaline. 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:41.840 So here's the takeaway. Feeling drawn to someone doesn't mean 0:05:41.880 --> 0:05:46.520 they're right for you. It means your nervous system is activated. 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:51.240 Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself, 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:56.800 do I feel safe or just stimulated. I read a 0:05:56.800 --> 0:05:59.520 study that talked about how when we first are attracted 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:06.359 to someone, we experience two things stress and excitement. That's 0:06:06.520 --> 0:06:10.320 actually what we experience to be chemistry. So we have 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:13.960 the stress of do they like me? But we have 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:17.159 the excitement of I think I like them. We have 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:21.280 the stress of will I get their number? And then 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:23.520 we have the excitement of I just got their number, 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:25.839 And then we have the stress of, well, what do 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:28.120 I message them? And then we have the excitement of 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:30.400 they just messaged me back, And then we have the 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:33.240 stress of will they message me first, will they ask 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:35.040 me out? But then we have the excitement of we're 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:37.800 going out on a date. And this stress and excitement 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:42.440 is what creates chemistry and this spark. But here's what 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:46.400 happens over time. The stress goes down when you spend 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:49.720 more time with someone, you know they're going to text you, 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:52.159 you know they're going to show up on time. You've 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:55.880 now gone exclusive, you moved in together. So now the 0:06:55.960 --> 0:06:59.920 stress goes down, so the excitement doesn't feel as high. 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:07.080 We now confuse that lack of stress as boredom, when 0:07:07.080 --> 0:07:10.640 actually it's peace. That's what your nervous system was looking 0:07:10.680 --> 0:07:17.760 for anyway. But we confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability 0:07:18.200 --> 0:07:21.480 with boredom. We think, if things have become peaceful, we 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:24.480 lost the spark. No, you didn't. You lost the stress. 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.119 You weren't stressed out anymore. Are they going to text? 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:29.160 Are they going to show up? Do they like me? 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:32.000 They do text, they do show up, They do like me. 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:38.680 Don't confuse a lack of stress as a lack of spark. 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:44.560 A good relationship is where you feel safe and stimulated. 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:50.720 It's when you feel seen and excited. A healthy relationship 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:54.760 is one way you feel heard without having to shout. 0:07:55.320 --> 0:07:58.960 It's one way you feel loved without having to shrink. 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:04.000 It's one where you feel respected in silence, not just 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:08.080 praised in public. It's one where you feel desired for 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:11.880 who you are, not just what you offer. It's a 0:08:11.920 --> 0:08:17.000 relationship where you feel pushed to grow, never pressured to perform, 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:22.120 a place where peace isn't boring and passion isn't toxic 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:29.200 because real love doesn't choose between calm and chemistry. It 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:32.800 gives you both a lot of the times, we create 0:08:32.920 --> 0:08:37.719 drama in relationships because we're so used to it. We 0:08:37.800 --> 0:08:41.480 create problems because we're so used to them. We're not 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:44.200 good at peace because we've never seen that before. And 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:46.559 I wish I knew that in my twenties. I actually 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.320 wish I knew that in my teens because I probably 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:52.680 allowed for too much drama or added to it because 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:56.960 I believe that was excitement. We believe that stress is excitement. 0:08:57.520 --> 0:08:59.280 And you may say, no, Jay, I don't want stress 0:08:59.280 --> 0:09:02.240 in a relationship, want drama? Well, think about it. How 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:05.200 much do you allow to happen to you? How much 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:09.240 do you create yourself? So many of us will spend 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:12.920 years of our life allowing people to bring drama and 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:16.680 trauma into our lives instead of peace because we're more 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:22.000 used to it. Stop doing that. Step Number two, love 0:09:22.280 --> 0:09:28.760 without boundaries is self abandonment in your twenties. It's easy 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:33.600 to lose yourself in love, but healthy attachment requires a 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:38.280 strong sense of self. Without boundaries, love turns into people 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:45.000 pleasing and self abandonment. You can't build a we until 0:09:45.160 --> 0:09:50.160 you protect yourself. Write a list of three emotional non 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:55.200 negotiables in relationships, things you won't bend on or leave behind, 0:09:55.520 --> 0:09:58.040 no matter who they are. How many of you know 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:01.120 someone a friend, of family member maybe, and yourself who 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:04.600 completely alienates and forgets about their friends when they're in 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:07.480 a relationship. Right you completely ignore everyone you have a 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:10.520 message back, You don't go out anymore. You've found your person, 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:12.880 and all of a sudden, when that person breaks up 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:15.720 with you, you now realize you feel alone. You don't 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:17.880 have any friends. How many of you give up all 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:21.760 your hobbies, all your interests, stop working out, you stop 0:10:21.800 --> 0:10:23.760 going to the places you love to hanging out because 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:28.959 you have that person. Don't make that person your identity. 0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:35.560 Don't make that person your everything. Don't make that person 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:39.360 your only thing, because if you leave them or they 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:45.120 leave you, you feel like you are nothing. You'll feel 0:10:45.120 --> 0:10:48.000 like you don't have any value and don't know what 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:53.360 your life's about. Boundaries bring the right people close and 0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:57.640 push the wrong ones out. They don't scare away love. 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:03.600 They filter out the norse. They don't create distance. They 0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:08.480 reveal who's willing to meet you with respect. The people 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:12.680 who leave when you set boundaries were never here for you, 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:18.480 just your access. The right ones don't get offended, they 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:23.560 get it. Boundaries don't block love, they protect it. I 0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:28.040 wish I knew about boundaries a lot earlier, because boundaries 0:11:28.080 --> 0:11:31.880 will protect you from causing harm to yourselves. If you 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:36.360 set boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate, you 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:41.480 won't stick around when people don't respect them. If you 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:46.439 set boundaries that protect what you value, you won't stick 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:51.040 around when people don't change their behavior. Too many of 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:56.679 us accept, tolerate, and allow giving the other person space 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:00.600 to behave with us wrongly because we never said boundary. 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:04.960 I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of, 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:10.599 screwed over, and when you look back, you realize that 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:13.480 that person was always showing you who they were, but 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:17.240 you kept allowing them to be that way. It wasn't 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:21.760 your fault, but you allowed it to continue. And that's 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:25.240 what we want to stop. That's what boundaries do. I'm 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:29.040 excited to keep this conversation going, but first, let's take 0:12:29.080 --> 0:12:32.439 a short break for our sponsors. We'll be right back. 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:38.800 Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. Step number three, 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:44.840 how they handle boredom tells you everything. We overestimate how 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:49.800 happy certain moments will make us dates, anniversaries, weddings, or 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:54.960 big trips, but what actually predicts long term connection how 0:12:55.080 --> 0:13:00.520 you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night together. Long term 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:05.320 love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built in the 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:09.360 quiet moments. Ask yourself, would I still want to be 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:14.840 around this person if nothing exciting ever happened again? Because 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:17.720 life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening. 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:21.160 Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:24.280 before work. Life is about how you feel coming home 0:13:24.320 --> 0:13:27.520 to that person on a Friday night. Life isn't about 0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:30.800 the vacations. It isn't about the once a year trips. 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:35.080 It isn't about the wedding day. That's one percent of 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:38.440 the experience with this person. You want to make sure 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:42.720 that you have something that is good when there's nothing 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:46.720 else exciting going on. An exciting life will cover the 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:52.160 cracks of a bad relationship. A good relationship will make 0:13:52.240 --> 0:13:57.079 the exciting moments even better. The exciting moments will feel enhanced, 0:13:57.320 --> 0:14:01.240 the trips will feel like an amazing rush. But it 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:03.760 has to be good without all of that. Something I 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.080 wish I learned earlier. I always felt like I needed 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:10.160 grand gestures, big dates, exciting moments to make something exciting. 0:14:10.880 --> 0:14:14.240 And then I realized, just a great conversation, feeling the 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.440 calmness and the peace of my nervous system when I 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:19.000 came home. I feel that every time I see Rather, 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:22.040 even today. We both travel a lot for work. We 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:24.160 both do a lot of exciting things for our work, 0:14:24.560 --> 0:14:27.520 but one of our favorite things is just having a routine. 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.880 We're five days a week we're spending together, coming home 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:33.560 after a busy day of work and just sitting together 0:14:33.600 --> 0:14:36.960 and doing nothing. Just being together can be some of 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:43.080 my best memories. Step number four. Conflict doesn't ruin relationships. 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:47.880 Avoiding it does. I used to think that the best 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:50.440 couples don't fight. I used to think that if I 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:53.200 was in a relationship with someone and we disagreed with 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.960 each other, it was the wrong person. I now realize 0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:01.280 that relationships are a space for growth, not for comfort. 0:15:02.000 --> 0:15:04.920 If relationships are just about comfort, first of all, I 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:07.360 don't know any that are. But if relationships are just 0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:10.560 about comfort, then you're not going anywhere. Relationships are meant 0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:13.360 to challenge you. They're men to make you grow. They're 0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:15.720 men to make you realize how selfish and greedy you are. 0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:18.880 The men to make you realize how it's important to 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:21.240 think about someone else. They're men to make you more 0:15:21.240 --> 0:15:27.840 emotionally intelligent. Healthy couples don't avoid conflict. They manage it 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:33.280 with repair. Here's the key. For every one negative interaction, 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:39.440 you need five positive ones to stay emotionally connected. How 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:44.400 you fight matters more than how often you fight. So 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:48.400 on your next argument, try this, help me understand what 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:52.640 this brought up for. You asked that, and then actually listen. 0:15:53.160 --> 0:15:57.040 Don't defend right. Usually when we fight, which is fighting 0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:00.000 for what our parents did, which is fighting for what's 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:04.840 some old belief says. I used to think love means 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:08.840 you don't fight. Now I know it means you know 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:13.040 how to repair. I used to think love was proven 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:18.120 by grand gestures. Now I know it's built in the small, 0:16:18.520 --> 0:16:23.800 consistent ones. I used to think love meant never needing space. 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:28.440 Now I know it's respecting someone enough to give it 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:32.400 to them. I used to think love was about never changing. 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:37.240 Now I know it's about growing and still choosing each other. 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:43.240 I used to think love should always feel easy, Now 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:47.640 I know the real kind is chosen, especially when it's not. 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:52.040 I used to think love was how loud they said it. 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:57.600 Now I know it's how clearly they show it. Number 0:16:57.600 --> 0:17:03.320 five last is loud, but real love is often quiet. 0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:08.200 Here's the thing. Your brain craves novelty. That's why new 0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:13.479 relationships feel addicting. But over time the dopamine fades, and 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:17.679 people mistake that for love fading. What you're really seeing 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:22.040 is your brain adjusting. So here's the takeaway. The high 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:26.919 of lust wears off, but emotional security is a slow 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:33.600 burn track connection, not just attraction. Ask weekly and monthly 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:37.280 do I feel more seen or more ignored? Over time? 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:42.360 Do I feel safe? Or do I just feel stimulated? 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:47.639 If they only excite you, it's chemistry. If they calm 0:17:47.680 --> 0:17:52.080 your nervous system. Its care. If they make your heart 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:57.600 race but never your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment. 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:03.399 If you're always guessing, it's not passion. It's emotional confusion. 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:08.440 If you feel seen only when you're perfect, that's performance, 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:13.520 not partnership. If they hype your highs but disappear in 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:20.040 your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment. Real love isn't just sparked, 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:24.480 it's steadiness. It's the one who brings peace to your chaos, 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:28.240 not more chaos to your peace. It's the one who 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:33.680 regulates your nervous system, not constantly triggers it. Because safety 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:38.399 doesn't kill connection, it deepens it. And by the way, 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:40.280 you have to do all of this back. I think 0:18:40.280 --> 0:18:42.480 when we talk about love, we all talk about it 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:44.880 like what's someone doing for me? Is that person got 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:46.760 red flags? What are they doing for me? What should 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:49.840 they be doing for me? What are you doing for them? 0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:51.960 This is a really important thing to talk about. What 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:54.560 are you doing for them? Are you also doing it back? 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:58.080 And what I'm also going to add is no one 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:02.040 is perfect when you meet them. No one is going 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:05.320 to be the perfect partner for you. The day you 0:19:05.440 --> 0:19:09.040 meet them. It is the choice you both make every day, 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:12.720 every week, every month, every year to become more of 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:18.200 that person, to heal independently, to heal together, to connect more. 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:21.080 A relationship is one where you're both willing to give 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:27.439 each other patience to grow yourself and commit to growing together. 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.359 That's a relationship. Here's how it goes in reality. You'll 0:19:31.359 --> 0:19:34.480 meet people who don't know how to listen. Are you 0:19:34.640 --> 0:19:37.959 patient enough to wait for them to learn? And do 0:19:38.040 --> 0:19:42.040 they want to learn for you? You'll date people who 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:46.439 aren't emotionally intelligent or don't know how to convey their emotions. 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:49.920 Are you willing to wait? And are they willing to learn? 0:19:50.640 --> 0:19:53.920 You'll meet people that feel you have a lot of baggage. 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:56.960 Are they willing to wait for you? And are you 0:19:57.040 --> 0:20:01.520 willing to heal? Those are the only two questions. There's 0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:04.480 not going to be this perfect person who already speaks 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:09.000 your language, who's already perfectly emotionally intelligent, who's already therapized 0:20:09.040 --> 0:20:11.520 and perfect and healed from every piece of baggage they have. 0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:14.280 It's the relationship that does that, That is part of 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:17.120 the therapy, that is part of the healing. The only 0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:20.760 two questions that make a relationship successful. Are you willing 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:24.600 to wait? Are they willing to heal? Are they willing 0:20:24.600 --> 0:20:29.159 to wait? Are you willing to heal? A relationship, a 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:32.920 healthy one is where you're both patient while the other 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:37.720 person heals, and you're both healing while the other person 0:20:38.240 --> 0:20:42.560 is patient. You're doing the work while they wait for you, 0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:46.320 and they're doing the work while you wait for them. 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:49.679 That's what a real relationship looks like. I used to 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:54.000 believe you're going to meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed, 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:58.320 already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now we're just going 0:20:58.400 --> 0:21:01.520 to get each other. That is the biggest mistake you 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:04.680 can make, especially if you're in a spiritual community where 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:08.359 you just assume everyone knows all of this. They don't, 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:13.320 and neither do you. Number six, Their attachment style will 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:18.119 affect yours. You're not immune to your partner's patterns. A 0:21:18.200 --> 0:21:22.720 secure person can bring safety, an avoidant one can make 0:21:22.760 --> 0:21:27.040 you anxious, even if you weren't before. Our styles adapt 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:31.920 to the emotional environment we're in. Who you choose will 0:21:31.960 --> 0:21:36.480 either soothe your nervous system or stir your survival instinct. 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:39.919 Now neither is good. Or bad, because one could challenge 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:43.119 you to grow. But it's important that you observe. Do 0:21:43.200 --> 0:21:47.960 I feel more regulated or more reactive around them? Your 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:52.040 body knows before your brain does. The way they were 0:21:52.119 --> 0:21:56.400 loved will shape how they love you. The way they 0:21:56.400 --> 0:22:00.119 were cared for will shape how they care for you. 0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:03.920 If they were taught love is earned, they might make 0:22:04.000 --> 0:22:07.760 you prove yourself. If they were taught love was unpredictable, 0:22:08.520 --> 0:22:12.720 they might test your consistency. If they were never heard, 0:22:13.720 --> 0:22:17.440 they might not know how to listen. If they were 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:21.959 never held, they might not know how to stay. People 0:22:22.080 --> 0:22:26.240 love through the lens of what they've survived. Not all 0:22:26.320 --> 0:22:32.480 distance is disinterest. You're not always being judged, you're sometimes 0:22:32.520 --> 0:22:37.840 being misunderstood. You're not responsible for their past, but you 0:22:37.920 --> 0:22:42.280 are responsible for how you protect your heart in the present. 0:22:42.960 --> 0:22:47.840 Because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't 0:22:47.880 --> 0:22:51.720 cost your peace. A real relationship is where we're willing 0:22:51.760 --> 0:22:55.800 to commit to do that healing work together. We are 0:22:55.840 --> 0:22:58.840 going to walk in with different backgrounds, different walks of life, 0:22:59.000 --> 0:23:02.359 different parenting. That's not an issue. If you try and 0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:06.280 find someone who's exactly like you or compliments you perfectly 0:23:06.720 --> 0:23:09.760 chances are you'll be looking forever. It's someone that is 0:23:10.760 --> 0:23:12.600 really there to do the work with you that makes 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:16.960 all the difference. Number seven, Your standards are shaped by 0:23:16.960 --> 0:23:21.280 what you've repeated, not what you deserve. You tend to 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:25.760 fall for what feels familiar, not what's healthy. If chaos 0:23:25.880 --> 0:23:30.320 or consistency was your normal growing up, love without drama 0:23:31.000 --> 0:23:35.400 might feel boring. But familiarity isn't the same as alignment. 0:23:36.000 --> 0:23:40.200 Here's the takeaway. Just because it feels familiar doesn't mean 0:23:40.240 --> 0:23:44.440 it's right. List the top three emotional patterns you keep 0:23:44.480 --> 0:23:49.320 repeating in relationships, then ask who taught me that was normal. 0:23:50.119 --> 0:23:55.719 Sometimes what feels like love is just a well rehearsed wound. 0:23:56.359 --> 0:24:00.479 It's the chaos that feels familiar, the inconsistent see that 0:24:00.520 --> 0:24:05.880 feels normal, the emotional unavailability that feels like a challenge 0:24:05.880 --> 0:24:08.919 you need to earn. You think you're drawn to them, 0:24:09.080 --> 0:24:13.400 but really you're drawn to what you've been conditioned to survive. 0:24:14.320 --> 0:24:18.520 You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger. 0:24:19.000 --> 0:24:22.720 It already knows how to handle. You think it's love 0:24:22.800 --> 0:24:26.000 because it hurts the same way you were first hurt. 0:24:26.880 --> 0:24:32.520 That's not love. It's memory. That's not a connection, it's 0:24:32.600 --> 0:24:35.359 a loop or a bad habit. How do we break 0:24:35.359 --> 0:24:40.240 that loop? So name the pattern, ask yourself, what does 0:24:40.280 --> 0:24:45.720 this feel like that I've felt before? Clarity is the 0:24:45.760 --> 0:24:51.040 first break in the cycle. Then interrupt the autopilot when 0:24:51.080 --> 0:24:55.760 someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself is 0:24:55.800 --> 0:25:00.159 this healthy or just familiar? And also ask yourself, do 0:25:00.280 --> 0:25:03.720 I need to become healthier? Because sometimes we don't like 0:25:03.800 --> 0:25:06.719 something it doesn't feel healthy because it actually challenges us 0:25:06.760 --> 0:25:09.600 to grow. That's not a bad thing in a relationship. 0:25:09.840 --> 0:25:12.040 I've found some of the best things in my relationship 0:25:12.440 --> 0:25:15.040 is when I was challenged to grow by things that 0:25:15.119 --> 0:25:18.360 I thought were unhealthy, and actually what it was requiring 0:25:18.440 --> 0:25:21.480 is more growth from me. Sometimes when something's unhealthy in 0:25:21.520 --> 0:25:24.919 a relationship, we think it's because that person's needs to grow, 0:25:25.240 --> 0:25:27.240 when actually it could be that you need to grow. 0:25:27.920 --> 0:25:31.960 Step number three of that redefine love in your language. 0:25:32.640 --> 0:25:36.840 Write down what love isn't. Then define what you want 0:25:36.880 --> 0:25:38.960 it to feel like, and by the way you should 0:25:38.960 --> 0:25:41.920 do this together. Do you both see love as safety, 0:25:42.400 --> 0:25:45.200 do you both see love as being seen? Are your 0:25:45.240 --> 0:25:50.560 expectations actually aligned? And finally, give yourself what you keep chasing, 0:25:51.200 --> 0:25:54.960 the validation, the presence, the approval. Give it to yourself 0:25:55.080 --> 0:25:59.520 daily so you don't bargain for it in someone else's hands. 0:26:00.000 --> 0:26:04.919 Here's my final thought. Most people chase love based on 0:26:05.000 --> 0:26:08.719 what they felt, not what they understood. But when you 0:26:08.800 --> 0:26:13.720 combine heart with science, emotion with self awareness, and attraction 0:26:13.880 --> 0:26:20.159 with alignment, you stop chasing fireworks and start building a 0:26:20.200 --> 0:26:23.320 real life. Thank you so much for listening to today. 0:26:23.400 --> 0:26:25.840 I hope this episode helps you. It took me a 0:26:25.840 --> 0:26:28.080 long time to learn these lessons and trying to share 0:26:28.119 --> 0:26:31.600 them with you in a really succinct, powerful way. Let 0:26:31.640 --> 0:26:33.880 me know what connected with you. Tag me in those 0:26:33.920 --> 0:26:36.880 stories and reels and tiktoks, and I'll see you again soon. 0:26:37.200 --> 0:26:39.920 Make sure you subscribe and don't miss out. I'll see 0:26:39.920 --> 0:26:43.040 you back here on on purpose. If you love this episode, 0:26:43.200 --> 0:26:46.639 you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on 0:26:46.720 --> 0:26:49.520