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Speaker 1: Long term love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built

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Speaker 1: in the quiet moments, because life is about how you

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Speaker 1: both feel on a Tuesday evening. Life is about how

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Speaker 1: you feel on a Monday morning before work. Life is

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Speaker 1: about how you feel coming home to that person on

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Speaker 1: a Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations. It isn't

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Speaker 1: about the once a year trips. It isn't about the

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Speaker 1: wedding day. That's one percent of the experience with this person.

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Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheetty, Jay

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Speaker 1: Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm

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Speaker 1: Jay Chatty, and I am so grateful and so thankful

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Speaker 1: that you've tuned back in. I love seeing your reviews.

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Speaker 1: I love seeing your posts. Keep them coming. It fuels me,

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Speaker 1: It gives me energy. I love bumping into you all

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Speaker 1: on the street. Always say hi. It's meant the world

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Speaker 1: to me. I've been traveling a lot lately, so I've

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Speaker 1: met some of you in Rome, i met some of

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Speaker 1: you in London, I've met people in Paris all over

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Speaker 1: the world. So keep telling me that you listen on Purpose.

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Speaker 1: It makes my day and I love giving you a

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Speaker 1: big hug. And saying hello back. Today, I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about something really important. It's everything I wish I

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Speaker 1: knew about love in my twenties. Now, whether you're in

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Speaker 1: your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties, all of

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Speaker 1: these messages still apply, and I want you to take

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Speaker 1: them in because what I find is that love is

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Speaker 1: what we all want in life, but it's also the

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Speaker 1: most misunderstood. It's one of those areas of our life

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Speaker 1: that we all crave, chase, and need, but don't really

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Speaker 1: define and understand deeply. And when I look at my life,

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Speaker 1: I look at how so much of my life around

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Speaker 1: love was defined by what I saw in the movies,

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Speaker 1: the media, and how it was presented to me. The

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Speaker 1: romantic comedies that we watch growing up, the novels, the books,

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Speaker 1: the stories, the music videos. They all defined. They planted

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Speaker 1: seeds into our beliefs and expectations about love. When you

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Speaker 1: watch the Notebook, you see these two people fall in love.

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Speaker 1: But then when you actually look at it closely, you

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Speaker 1: see a character hanging off a ferris wheel telling the

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Speaker 1: girl he will let go if she doesn't say yes.

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Speaker 1: Extremely unhealthy, right, very very unhealthy. And then when you

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Speaker 1: start to look at a lot of these movies a

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Speaker 1: lot more deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy

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Speaker 1: ideas about love. It's remarkable to me that at the

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Speaker 1: time we just ignored them, even if you look at

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Speaker 1: movies of sleeping beauty cartoons where the princes had to

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Speaker 1: come and save the sleeping beauty, right, the idea of

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Speaker 1: being saved, the idea of this night in shining armor

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Speaker 1: to no wonder, that we're waiting for that person to

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Speaker 1: come through the door and sweep us off our feet.

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Speaker 1: And then of course every movie ended with happily ever after.

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Speaker 1: It rarely got into the reality of the fight about

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Speaker 1: washing the dishes, all the money problems that appear, or

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Speaker 1: the fact that the kids are now going to school

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Speaker 1: and how do we want to raise them. All of

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Speaker 1: that was missed in all the movies because it ended

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Speaker 1: with a shot of a car driving off into the

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Speaker 1: sunset and feeling like that was the end and everything

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Speaker 1: was perfect. So we've been sold lies about love from

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Speaker 1: dating to moving in to getting married because the marriage

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Speaker 1: was the end of the movie, when in reality, moving

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Speaker 1: in and getting married is the beginning of your life together.

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Speaker 1: So it's fascinating to me that we missed so many ideas,

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Speaker 1: and therefore I had to make this video about everything

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Speaker 1: I wish I knew about love earlier, because it would

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Speaker 1: have made my relationships better, it would have made me

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Speaker 1: feel less hurt in my life, and it would have

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Speaker 1: made me expect differently of the people that I was with.

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Speaker 1: The first one is this chemistry isn't compatibility. Here's the

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Speaker 1: principle all of us today over index on the value

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Speaker 1: of chemistry. We believe that if we feel chemistry, this

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Speaker 1: is our person. This is the one we're meant to

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Speaker 1: spend the rest of our lives with, and this is

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Speaker 1: what love is all about. Some of us will miss

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Speaker 1: out on incredible partners because we didn't feel chemistry on

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Speaker 1: date one, and some of us will stay with people

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Speaker 1: that we have amazing chemistry with even though we don't

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Speaker 1: have anything else. How many of you have stayed in

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Speaker 1: a relationship whether sex was amazing, even if you didn't

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Speaker 1: connect on a deeper level. I'm sure there's many of you.

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Speaker 1: How many of you stayed in a relationship where you

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Speaker 1: had lots of chemistry even though you secretly worried and

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Speaker 1: were anxious that that person was cheating on you or

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Speaker 1: there were other red flags. Chemistry makes you ignore the

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Speaker 1: things that actually make a relationship healthy, and we miss

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Speaker 1: out on people who would be amazing partners for us

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Speaker 1: because we didn't feel chemistry in the beginning. When your

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Speaker 1: heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant

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Speaker 1: to be, But research shows we often confuse excitement, anxiety,

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Speaker 1: or even danger for attraction that spark. Sometimes it's adrenaline.

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Speaker 1: So here's the takeaway. Feeling drawn to someone doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: they're right for you. It means your nervous system is activated.

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Speaker 1: Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself,

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Speaker 1: do I feel safe or just stimulated. I read a

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Speaker 1: study that talked about how when we first are attracted

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Speaker 1: to someone, we experience two things stress and excitement. That's

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Speaker 1: actually what we experience to be chemistry. So we have

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Speaker 1: the stress of do they like me? But we have

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Speaker 1: the excitement of I think I like them. We have

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Speaker 1: the stress of will I get their number? And then

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Speaker 1: we have the excitement of I just got their number,

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Speaker 1: And then we have the stress of, well, what do

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Speaker 1: I message them? And then we have the excitement of

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Speaker 1: they just messaged me back, And then we have the

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Speaker 1: stress of will they message me first, will they ask

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Speaker 1: me out? But then we have the excitement of we're

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Speaker 1: going out on a date. And this stress and excitement

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Speaker 1: is what creates chemistry and this spark. But here's what

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Speaker 1: happens over time. The stress goes down when you spend

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Speaker 1: more time with someone, you know they're going to text you,

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Speaker 1: you know they're going to show up on time. You've

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Speaker 1: now gone exclusive, you moved in together. So now the

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Speaker 1: stress goes down, so the excitement doesn't feel as high.

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Speaker 1: We now confuse that lack of stress as boredom, when

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Speaker 1: actually it's peace. That's what your nervous system was looking

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Speaker 1: for anyway. But we confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability

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Speaker 1: with boredom. We think, if things have become peaceful, we

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Speaker 1: lost the spark. No, you didn't. You lost the stress.

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Speaker 1: You weren't stressed out anymore. Are they going to text?

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Speaker 1: Are they going to show up? Do they like me?

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Speaker 1: They do text, they do show up, They do like me.

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Speaker 1: Don't confuse a lack of stress as a lack of spark.

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Speaker 1: A good relationship is where you feel safe and stimulated.

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Speaker 1: It's when you feel seen and excited. A healthy relationship

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Speaker 1: is one way you feel heard without having to shout.

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Speaker 1: It's one way you feel loved without having to shrink.

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Speaker 1: It's one where you feel respected in silence, not just

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Speaker 1: praised in public. It's one where you feel desired for

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Speaker 1: who you are, not just what you offer. It's a

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Speaker 1: relationship where you feel pushed to grow, never pressured to perform,

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Speaker 1: a place where peace isn't boring and passion isn't toxic

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Speaker 1: because real love doesn't choose between calm and chemistry. It

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Speaker 1: gives you both a lot of the times, we create

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Speaker 1: drama in relationships because we're so used to it. We

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Speaker 1: create problems because we're so used to them. We're not

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Speaker 1: good at peace because we've never seen that before. And

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Speaker 1: I wish I knew that in my twenties. I actually

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Speaker 1: wish I knew that in my teens because I probably

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Speaker 1: allowed for too much drama or added to it because

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Speaker 1: I believe that was excitement. We believe that stress is excitement.

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Speaker 1: And you may say, no, Jay, I don't want stress

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Speaker 1: in a relationship, want drama? Well, think about it. How

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Speaker 1: much do you allow to happen to you? How much

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Speaker 1: do you create yourself? So many of us will spend

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Speaker 1: years of our life allowing people to bring drama and

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Speaker 1: trauma into our lives instead of peace because we're more

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Speaker 1: used to it. Stop doing that. Step Number two, love

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Speaker 1: without boundaries is self abandonment in your twenties. It's easy

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Speaker 1: to lose yourself in love, but healthy attachment requires a

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Speaker 1: strong sense of self. Without boundaries, love turns into people

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Speaker 1: pleasing and self abandonment. You can't build a we until

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Speaker 1: you protect yourself. Write a list of three emotional non

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Speaker 1: negotiables in relationships, things you won't bend on or leave behind,

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Speaker 1: no matter who they are. How many of you know

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Speaker 1: someone a friend, of family member maybe, and yourself who

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Speaker 1: completely alienates and forgets about their friends when they're in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. Right you completely ignore everyone you have a

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Speaker 1: message back, You don't go out anymore. You've found your person,

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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, when that person breaks up

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Speaker 1: with you, you now realize you feel alone. You don't

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Speaker 1: have any friends. How many of you give up all

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Speaker 1: your hobbies, all your interests, stop working out, you stop

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Speaker 1: going to the places you love to hanging out because

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Speaker 1: you have that person. Don't make that person your identity.

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Speaker 1: Don't make that person your everything. Don't make that person

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Speaker 1: your only thing, because if you leave them or they

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Speaker 1: leave you, you feel like you are nothing. You'll feel

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Speaker 1: like you don't have any value and don't know what

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Speaker 1: your life's about. Boundaries bring the right people close and

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Speaker 1: push the wrong ones out. They don't scare away love.

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Speaker 1: They filter out the norse. They don't create distance. They

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Speaker 1: reveal who's willing to meet you with respect. The people

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Speaker 1: who leave when you set boundaries were never here for you,

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Speaker 1: just your access. The right ones don't get offended, they

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Speaker 1: get it. Boundaries don't block love, they protect it. I

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Speaker 1: wish I knew about boundaries a lot earlier, because boundaries

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Speaker 1: will protect you from causing harm to yourselves. If you

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Speaker 1: set boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate, you

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Speaker 1: won't stick around when people don't respect them. If you

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Speaker 1: set boundaries that protect what you value, you won't stick

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Speaker 1: around when people don't change their behavior. Too many of

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Speaker 1: us accept, tolerate, and allow giving the other person space

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Speaker 1: to behave with us wrongly because we never said boundary.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of,

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Speaker 1: screwed over, and when you look back, you realize that

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Speaker 1: that person was always showing you who they were, but

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Speaker 1: you kept allowing them to be that way. It wasn't

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Speaker 1: your fault, but you allowed it to continue. And that's

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Speaker 1: what we want to stop. That's what boundaries do. I'm

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Speaker 1: excited to keep this conversation going, but first, let's take

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Speaker 1: a short break for our sponsors. We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. Step number three,

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Speaker 1: how they handle boredom tells you everything. We overestimate how

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Speaker 1: happy certain moments will make us dates, anniversaries, weddings, or

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Speaker 1: big trips, but what actually predicts long term connection how

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Speaker 1: you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night together. Long term

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Speaker 1: love isn't built in highlight reels. It's built in the

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Speaker 1: quiet moments. Ask yourself, would I still want to be

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Speaker 1: around this person if nothing exciting ever happened again? Because

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Speaker 1: life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening.

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Speaker 1: Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning

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Speaker 1: before work. Life is about how you feel coming home

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Speaker 1: to that person on a Friday night. Life isn't about

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Speaker 1: the vacations. It isn't about the once a year trips.

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Speaker 1: It isn't about the wedding day. That's one percent of

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Speaker 1: the experience with this person. You want to make sure

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Speaker 1: that you have something that is good when there's nothing

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Speaker 1: else exciting going on. An exciting life will cover the

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Speaker 1: cracks of a bad relationship. A good relationship will make

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Speaker 1: the exciting moments even better. The exciting moments will feel enhanced,

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Speaker 1: the trips will feel like an amazing rush. But it

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Speaker 1: has to be good without all of that. Something I

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Speaker 1: wish I learned earlier. I always felt like I needed

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Speaker 1: grand gestures, big dates, exciting moments to make something exciting.

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Speaker 1: And then I realized, just a great conversation, feeling the

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Speaker 1: calmness and the peace of my nervous system when I

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Speaker 1: came home. I feel that every time I see Rather,

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Speaker 1: even today. We both travel a lot for work. We

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Speaker 1: both do a lot of exciting things for our work,

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Speaker 1: but one of our favorite things is just having a routine.

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Speaker 1: We're five days a week we're spending together, coming home

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Speaker 1: after a busy day of work and just sitting together

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Speaker 1: and doing nothing. Just being together can be some of

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Speaker 1: my best memories. Step number four. Conflict doesn't ruin relationships.

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Speaker 1: Avoiding it does. I used to think that the best

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Speaker 1: couples don't fight. I used to think that if I

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Speaker 1: was in a relationship with someone and we disagreed with

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Speaker 1: each other, it was the wrong person. I now realize

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Speaker 1: that relationships are a space for growth, not for comfort.

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Speaker 1: If relationships are just about comfort, first of all, I

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Speaker 1: don't know any that are. But if relationships are just

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Speaker 1: about comfort, then you're not going anywhere. Relationships are meant

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Speaker 1: to challenge you. They're men to make you grow. They're

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Speaker 1: men to make you realize how selfish and greedy you are.

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Speaker 1: The men to make you realize how it's important to

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Speaker 1: think about someone else. They're men to make you more

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Speaker 1: emotionally intelligent. Healthy couples don't avoid conflict. They manage it

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Speaker 1: with repair. Here's the key. For every one negative interaction,

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Speaker 1: you need five positive ones to stay emotionally connected. How

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Speaker 1: you fight matters more than how often you fight. So

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Speaker 1: on your next argument, try this, help me understand what

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Speaker 1: this brought up for. You asked that, and then actually listen.

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Speaker 1: Don't defend right. Usually when we fight, which is fighting

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Speaker 1: for what our parents did, which is fighting for what's

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Speaker 1: some old belief says. I used to think love means

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Speaker 1: you don't fight. Now I know it means you know

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Speaker 1: how to repair. I used to think love was proven

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Speaker 1: by grand gestures. Now I know it's built in the small,

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Speaker 1: consistent ones. I used to think love meant never needing space.

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Speaker 1: Now I know it's respecting someone enough to give it

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Speaker 1: to them. I used to think love was about never changing.

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Speaker 1: Now I know it's about growing and still choosing each other.

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Speaker 1: I used to think love should always feel easy, Now

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Speaker 1: I know the real kind is chosen, especially when it's not.

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Speaker 1: I used to think love was how loud they said it.

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Speaker 1: Now I know it's how clearly they show it. Number

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Speaker 1: five last is loud, but real love is often quiet.

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Speaker 1: Here's the thing. Your brain craves novelty. That's why new

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Speaker 1: relationships feel addicting. But over time the dopamine fades, and

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Speaker 1: people mistake that for love fading. What you're really seeing

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Speaker 1: is your brain adjusting. So here's the takeaway. The high

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Speaker 1: of lust wears off, but emotional security is a slow

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Speaker 1: burn track connection, not just attraction. Ask weekly and monthly

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Speaker 1: do I feel more seen or more ignored? Over time?

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Speaker 1: Do I feel safe? Or do I just feel stimulated?

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Speaker 1: If they only excite you, it's chemistry. If they calm

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Speaker 1: your nervous system. Its care. If they make your heart

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Speaker 1: race but never your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment.

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Speaker 1: If you're always guessing, it's not passion. It's emotional confusion.

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Speaker 1: If you feel seen only when you're perfect, that's performance,

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Speaker 1: not partnership. If they hype your highs but disappear in

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Speaker 1: your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment. Real love isn't just sparked,

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Speaker 1: it's steadiness. It's the one who brings peace to your chaos,

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Speaker 1: not more chaos to your peace. It's the one who

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Speaker 1: regulates your nervous system, not constantly triggers it. Because safety

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Speaker 1: doesn't kill connection, it deepens it. And by the way,

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Speaker 1: you have to do all of this back. I think

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Speaker 1: when we talk about love, we all talk about it

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Speaker 1: like what's someone doing for me? Is that person got

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Speaker 1: red flags? What are they doing for me? What should

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Speaker 1: they be doing for me? What are you doing for them?

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Speaker 1: This is a really important thing to talk about. What

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Speaker 1: are you doing for them? Are you also doing it back?

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Speaker 1: And what I'm also going to add is no one

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Speaker 1: is perfect when you meet them. No one is going

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Speaker 1: to be the perfect partner for you. The day you

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Speaker 1: meet them. It is the choice you both make every day,

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Speaker 1: every week, every month, every year to become more of

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Speaker 1: that person, to heal independently, to heal together, to connect more.

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Speaker 1: A relationship is one where you're both willing to give

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Speaker 1: each other patience to grow yourself and commit to growing together.

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Speaker 1: That's a relationship. Here's how it goes in reality. You'll

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Speaker 1: meet people who don't know how to listen. Are you

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Speaker 1: patient enough to wait for them to learn? And do

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Speaker 1: they want to learn for you? You'll date people who

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Speaker 1: aren't emotionally intelligent or don't know how to convey their emotions.

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Speaker 1: Are you willing to wait? And are they willing to learn?

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Speaker 1: You'll meet people that feel you have a lot of baggage.

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Speaker 1: Are they willing to wait for you? And are you

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Speaker 1: willing to heal? Those are the only two questions. There's

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Speaker 1: not going to be this perfect person who already speaks

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Speaker 1: your language, who's already perfectly emotionally intelligent, who's already therapized

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Speaker 1: and perfect and healed from every piece of baggage they have.

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Speaker 1: It's the relationship that does that, That is part of

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Speaker 1: the therapy, that is part of the healing. The only

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Speaker 1: two questions that make a relationship successful. Are you willing

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Speaker 1: to wait? Are they willing to heal? Are they willing

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Speaker 1: to wait? Are you willing to heal? A relationship, a

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Speaker 1: healthy one is where you're both patient while the other

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Speaker 1: person heals, and you're both healing while the other person

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Speaker 1: is patient. You're doing the work while they wait for you,

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Speaker 1: and they're doing the work while you wait for them.

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Speaker 1: That's what a real relationship looks like. I used to

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Speaker 1: believe you're going to meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed,

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Speaker 1: already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now we're just going

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Speaker 1: to get each other. That is the biggest mistake you

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Speaker 1: can make, especially if you're in a spiritual community where

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Speaker 1: you just assume everyone knows all of this. They don't,

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Speaker 1: and neither do you. Number six, Their attachment style will

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Speaker 1: affect yours. You're not immune to your partner's patterns. A

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Speaker 1: secure person can bring safety, an avoidant one can make

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Speaker 1: you anxious, even if you weren't before. Our styles adapt

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Speaker 1: to the emotional environment we're in. Who you choose will

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Speaker 1: either soothe your nervous system or stir your survival instinct.

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Speaker 1: Now neither is good. Or bad, because one could challenge

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Speaker 1: you to grow. But it's important that you observe. Do

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Speaker 1: I feel more regulated or more reactive around them? Your

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Speaker 1: body knows before your brain does. The way they were

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Speaker 1: loved will shape how they love you. The way they

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Speaker 1: were cared for will shape how they care for you.

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Speaker 1: If they were taught love is earned, they might make

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Speaker 1: you prove yourself. If they were taught love was unpredictable,

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Speaker 1: they might test your consistency. If they were never heard,

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Speaker 1: they might not know how to listen. If they were

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Speaker 1: never held, they might not know how to stay. People

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Speaker 1: love through the lens of what they've survived. Not all

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Speaker 1: distance is disinterest. You're not always being judged, you're sometimes

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Speaker 1: being misunderstood. You're not responsible for their past, but you

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Speaker 1: are responsible for how you protect your heart in the present.

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Speaker 1: Because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't

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Speaker 1: cost your peace. A real relationship is where we're willing

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Speaker 1: to commit to do that healing work together. We are

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Speaker 1: going to walk in with different backgrounds, different walks of life,

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Speaker 1: different parenting. That's not an issue. If you try and

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Speaker 1: find someone who's exactly like you or compliments you perfectly

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Speaker 1: chances are you'll be looking forever. It's someone that is

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Speaker 1: really there to do the work with you that makes

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Speaker 1: all the difference. Number seven, Your standards are shaped by

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Speaker 1: what you've repeated, not what you deserve. You tend to

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Speaker 1: fall for what feels familiar, not what's healthy. If chaos

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Speaker 1: or consistency was your normal growing up, love without drama

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Speaker 1: might feel boring. But familiarity isn't the same as alignment.

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Speaker 1: Here's the takeaway. Just because it feels familiar doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: it's right. List the top three emotional patterns you keep

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Speaker 1: repeating in relationships, then ask who taught me that was normal.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes what feels like love is just a well rehearsed wound.

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Speaker 1: It's the chaos that feels familiar, the inconsistent see that

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Speaker 1: feels normal, the emotional unavailability that feels like a challenge

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Speaker 1: you need to earn. You think you're drawn to them,

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Speaker 1: but really you're drawn to what you've been conditioned to survive.

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Speaker 1: You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger.

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Speaker 1: It already knows how to handle. You think it's love

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Speaker 1: because it hurts the same way you were first hurt.

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Speaker 1: That's not love. It's memory. That's not a connection, it's

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Speaker 1: a loop or a bad habit. How do we break

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Speaker 1: that loop? So name the pattern, ask yourself, what does

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Speaker 1: this feel like that I've felt before? Clarity is the

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Speaker 1: first break in the cycle. Then interrupt the autopilot when

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Speaker 1: someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself is

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Speaker 1: this healthy or just familiar? And also ask yourself, do

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Speaker 1: I need to become healthier? Because sometimes we don't like

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Speaker 1: something it doesn't feel healthy because it actually challenges us

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Speaker 1: to grow. That's not a bad thing in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I've found some of the best things in my relationship

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Speaker 1: is when I was challenged to grow by things that

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Speaker 1: I thought were unhealthy, and actually what it was requiring

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Speaker 1: is more growth from me. Sometimes when something's unhealthy in

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Speaker 1: a relationship, we think it's because that person's needs to grow,

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Speaker 1: when actually it could be that you need to grow.

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Speaker 1: Step number three of that redefine love in your language.

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Speaker 1: Write down what love isn't. Then define what you want

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Speaker 1: it to feel like, and by the way you should

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Speaker 1: do this together. Do you both see love as safety,

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Speaker 1: do you both see love as being seen? Are your

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Speaker 1: expectations actually aligned? And finally, give yourself what you keep chasing,

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Speaker 1: the validation, the presence, the approval. Give it to yourself

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Speaker 1: daily so you don't bargain for it in someone else's hands.

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Speaker 1: Here's my final thought. Most people chase love based on

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Speaker 1: what they felt, not what they understood. But when you

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Speaker 1: combine heart with science, emotion with self awareness, and attraction

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Speaker 1: with alignment, you stop chasing fireworks and start building a

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Speaker 1: real life. Thank you so much for listening to today.

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Speaker 1: I hope this episode helps you. It took me a

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Speaker 1: long time to learn these lessons and trying to share

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Speaker 1: them with you in a really succinct, powerful way. Let

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Speaker 1: me know what connected with you. Tag me in those

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Speaker 1: stories and reels and tiktoks, and I'll see you again soon.

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Speaker 1: Make sure you subscribe and don't miss out. I'll see

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Speaker 1: you back here on on purpose. If you love this episode,

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Speaker 1: you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on

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Speaker 1: how to get over your ex and find true love

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Speaker 1: in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves that

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Speaker 1: extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending

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Speaker 1: your compassion to your future is doing something that gives

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Speaker 1: him or her a shot at a happy in a

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Speaker 1: peaceful life,