1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,519 Speaker 1: Fake friends want you to say yes, even when your 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: soul is screaming no. Real friends respect your no because 3 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: they care more about your peace than their plans. Fake 4 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,640 Speaker 1: friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently. 5 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: Real friends want your honesty because truth matter is more 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 1: than comfort. Fake friends need your validation. Real friends can 7 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: handle your challenge because fake friends are only loyal to 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 1: your compliance, but real friends they're loyal to your authenticity. 9 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setty Jay Setty, Hey, everyone, 10 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,920 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty, 11 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,520 Speaker 1: and I am so grateful that you've joined me today. 12 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: Whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're 13 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: at the gym, whether you're commuting to or from work, 14 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,520 Speaker 1: I'm so thankful that you're spending this time with me. 15 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: Make sure you subscribe to the channel so that you 16 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 1: never ever miss an episode. Now, I feel like I'm 17 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:11,040 Speaker 1: at that age where the conversation around friendships is back. 18 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: I feel like we talked a lot about friends when 19 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 1: we're in our teens, and I'm at that point in 20 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: my life right now where I know that some of 21 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 1: my friends are feeling a bit screwed over by other friends. 22 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: Other friends are feeling that people are not showing up 23 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,960 Speaker 1: for them. Other people are starting to figure out who 24 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 1: people really are. And it's strange. When you've had someone 25 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,960 Speaker 1: in your life for ten years, fifteen years, maybe even 26 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,319 Speaker 1: less than that, will you start to think about was 27 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,199 Speaker 1: this person ever really a friend? Were they a fake friend? 28 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: Do they have different agendas? Did they have different motives? 29 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 1: Did they have different intentions? How did we even connect? 30 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, why did I trust this person? If 31 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: you've ever had any of those questions before, this episode 32 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: is for you because I'm going to break down the 33 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: subtle signs between real and fake friends. Now, the truth is, 34 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: no one's a fake person or a real person. It's 35 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: just how they are with us. Sometimes you'll find that 36 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: someone is really good to someone else and they're not 37 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 1: great with you. So this isn't about people as a whole, 38 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,240 Speaker 1: but it is about the behaviors, the patterns that you've seen, 39 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,400 Speaker 1: the patterns that you've experienced, so that you can learn 40 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 1: to protect yourself and have a stronger filter, have a 41 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 1: stronger set of boundaries. So the first one is this, 42 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 1: fake friends want you to say yes even when you 43 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 1: want to say no, And what I want you to 44 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,720 Speaker 1: do is watch how they handle your no. See, here's 45 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,839 Speaker 1: the thing. Fake friends. They get sulky, they may get 46 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: distant or even manipulative. When you set a boundary, a 47 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,040 Speaker 1: real friend, they'll actually respect it when you say no. 48 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: Maybe they'll tease you, but they don't withdraw their love 49 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: or respect for you because of that. Now, there's some 50 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: psychology behind this. When someone respects your boundary, it's because 51 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: it's tied to secure attachment. See. The thing is that 52 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:06,640 Speaker 1: fake friends they perceive limits as rejection. So when you say, hey, 53 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:08,079 Speaker 1: I don't want to go out at ten pm tonight, 54 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,360 Speaker 1: I want to get an early night, they see that 55 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 1: as you saying I don't want to spend time with you. 56 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,080 Speaker 1: Other people, when they hear a boundary like you know what, 57 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 1: actually I'm not sure I want to drink for the 58 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 1: next month, they're thinking that's an invitation to see if 59 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 1: they can get you to come out. So the challenge 60 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,640 Speaker 1: is that a real friend is trying to listen, but 61 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 1: it also requires them to potentially have secure attachment from 62 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: their background. So sometimes someone's not a fake person. They're 63 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,480 Speaker 1: not a bad person, it's just that they're wiring has 64 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:42,680 Speaker 1: made them insecure, and now they're projecting that insecurity onto you. Now, 65 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,640 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. It doesn't 66 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,840 Speaker 1: mean you have to tolerate it. But I want you 67 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 1: to understand it. See, someone with secure attachment is reliable 68 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,320 Speaker 1: without suffocation. They show up when it matters, but they 69 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,160 Speaker 1: don't need to be in your pocket twenty four seven. 70 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 1: An example is they'll check in if you're sick, but 71 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: they don't demand constant updates throughout the day. Another one 72 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: from a real friend is that they'll respect your boundaries. 73 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: They don't guilt you when you say things like no, 74 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 1: I don't think I can make it. My plans have changed, 75 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,839 Speaker 1: things have shifted. They'll be like, totally fine, we'll catch 76 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: up later, we'll figure it out. It's someone who allows 77 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,240 Speaker 1: you to feel comfortable. How many times have you ever 78 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: had it? Well, you're actually scared to tell someone that 79 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,880 Speaker 1: you can't come to an event, a party, a gathering, 80 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,279 Speaker 1: whatever it is. It's your friend. It's someone that you 81 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: should know really well. It's someone that should understand you. 82 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: And you might have a legitimate reason, or you might 83 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: have the worst reason, but it's your friend. You should 84 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 1: be able to tell them. That's a clear sign that 85 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,160 Speaker 1: you have a real connection with someone that you can 86 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 1: actually share. Hey, you know what, I'm just not feeling 87 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 1: it tonight. I do want to show up for you. Bye. 88 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 1: Is there another way I can shot up for you 89 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: this week? Tonight's just not going to be it for me, 90 00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 1: and a good friend will understand, and by the way, 91 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,440 Speaker 1: you'll understand when they do the same for you. That's 92 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:06,799 Speaker 1: why good friends, real friends experience comfort with absence. Time 93 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:10,440 Speaker 1: apart doesn't weaken the bond. How many times have you 94 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,839 Speaker 1: experienced where you reconnect with a friend after months and 95 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 1: they're good friends, And that's why it's just easy. It's 96 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 1: almost seamless. You pick up where you left off. But 97 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,359 Speaker 1: when someone's not a great friend, they remind you of that, 98 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you haven't reached out to me in four months. 99 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,359 Speaker 1: Oh you know what, you didn't you didn't reply to 100 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,760 Speaker 1: me immediately, or you know what, it's been four hours 101 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 1: since I text you. It's a really interesting thing because 102 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: the truth is, hopefully you have a connection enough that 103 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 1: that person should know you care about them and you 104 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 1: know they care about you. But when that's used against you, 105 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,280 Speaker 1: that's when it starts to cause issues. The other aspect 106 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 1: of it that's really important. It's something known as balanced support. 107 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 1: They don't just comfort you, they challenge you to grow. 108 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 1: This is something you have to allow. It's something you 109 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: have to invite. If every time your friend gives you 110 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 1: feedback or your friend gives you insight and you reject it, 111 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:06,159 Speaker 1: guess what you're actually rejecting them from saying uncomfortable things 112 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 1: to you. Now, there is a difference. Is someone sharing 113 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: something with you for you to get better, or is 114 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: someone sharing something with you to look better. Sometimes your 115 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,480 Speaker 1: friend will give you feedback to make you better, but 116 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 1: sometimes someone will give you feedback to make themselves feel better. 117 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 1: This is an intention and energy thing where we have 118 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,359 Speaker 1: to learn to check in with ourselves, to check in 119 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 1: with them and recognize whether they're coming from a good place. 120 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 1: If they're coming from a place of making you feel bad, 121 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: to be more powerful, to control you, we don't want 122 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,159 Speaker 1: that kind of person in our life. But if they're 123 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: coming from a place for you to grow, for you 124 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: to be better, you want to be open and invite that. 125 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,479 Speaker 1: A lot of us close it off. A lot of 126 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 1: us make people feel bad for sharing great feedback. A 127 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: lot of us make our friends feel like we don't 128 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 1: have space for that or room for that, and all 129 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:01,880 Speaker 1: that leads to is a less honest, less transparent relationship. Now, 130 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,120 Speaker 1: I do want to share that a lot of people's attachment, 131 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 1: whether it's secure or insecure, could be based on their childhood. 132 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: John Bowlby, who's a psychologist who's the attachment theory founder, 133 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: found that secure attachments in childhood predict trust and resilience 134 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,080 Speaker 1: in adulthood. So if someone's had a tough childhood and 135 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:25,080 Speaker 1: they haven't experienced that from their parents, it's less likely 136 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: going to have that with you. And in friendships, this 137 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 1: translates into predictable safety, right, you don't fear abandonment, they 138 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 1: don't experience betrayal or rejection or constant judgment. Research shows 139 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 1: securely attached adults are better at conflict resolution, empathy, and forgiveness. 140 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,760 Speaker 1: This is why I keep saying there's no fake person. 141 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,120 Speaker 1: There's only people who have experiences that have made them 142 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 1: harder at dealing with these things. Again, that doesn't mean 143 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 1: it's an excuse. It doesn't mean you tolerate it. You 144 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 1: still have to protect yourself, but it's good for us 145 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,280 Speaker 1: to understand it fake friends want you to say yes, 146 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: even when your soul is screaming no. Real friends respect 147 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:10,800 Speaker 1: your no because they care more about your peace than 148 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: their plans. Fake friends want your agreement even when you 149 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 1: see the world differently. Real friends want your honesty because 150 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 1: truth matters more than comfort. Fake friends need your validation. 151 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 1: Real friends can handle your challenge. Fake friends prefer the 152 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 1: version of you that's easy, polished, and agreeable. Real friends 153 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,680 Speaker 1: embrace the version of you that's messy, complicated, and real. 154 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: Because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance, but 155 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:50,800 Speaker 1: real friends they're loyal to your authenticity. The second way 156 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: to know is fake friends keep score, and real friends 157 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:58,120 Speaker 1: they lose count. Now, a fake friend will say I 158 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: bought you coffee last time. A real friend will say, 159 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: don't worry, I've got this one. Or actually, if they 160 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,199 Speaker 1: really did get you coffee last time, you'd be the 161 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: one to say, don't worry, I've got this one. Think 162 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:14,440 Speaker 1: about that. Healthy bonds operate on generosity, not ledgers. Right, 163 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: Fake friends remember what you owe. Real friends forget what 164 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: they gave. If I asked you, can you list off 165 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: all the nice things you've done for your friend in 166 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,720 Speaker 1: the last thirty days. I'm sure you don't know. I'm 167 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 1: sure you can't remember. If someone said to me, what 168 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,600 Speaker 1: were all the nice things you do? I'd have to 169 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: really rack my brain to push to find those things. 170 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:39,720 Speaker 1: I'd find them. But it's not something i'm thinking about. 171 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: It's not something I think about when I text them. 172 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: It's not something i'm thinking about when I call them, 173 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,160 Speaker 1: it's not something i'm thinking about when i'm with them. 174 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: A good friend is not thinking about all the good 175 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 1: things they've done for that person. If you're in a 176 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 1: real friendship and the same ways back, they're not thinking 177 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: about all the good things they've done to you. If anything, 178 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,839 Speaker 1: a real friendship is when you're talking to someone in 179 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: your mind and heart, you're thinking of all the amazing 180 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 1: things they've done for you, and they're thinking about all 181 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,559 Speaker 1: the amazing things you've done for them. You're not. They're 182 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,360 Speaker 1: thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them, 183 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 1: and they're not. They're thinking about all the amazing things 184 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 1: they've done for you. It's all about the gratitude and reciprocity. 185 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: Where you're there in your head going wow, I'm so 186 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: grateful to have such a good friend, and they're feeling 187 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:28,160 Speaker 1: the same Now this is counterintuitive. We think debt is 188 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 1: only financial, but social debt. I did this for you, 189 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,079 Speaker 1: so you owe me is the real trap of fake 190 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:41,959 Speaker 1: loyalty and their psychology behind this. This is called scorekeeping 191 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: behavior in relationships. Genuine friendships thrive on communal norms, giving 192 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,840 Speaker 1: without expectations, while fake ones operate on exchange norms, transactional 193 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 1: give and take. When you're keeping score, you always feel 194 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: like you're giving more. Let me say that again. When 195 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:07,280 Speaker 1: you're keeping score, you always feel like you're the one 196 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:12,240 Speaker 1: giving more, and psychology calls this the self serving bias. 197 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 1: We tend to overestimate our own contributions and underestimate the 198 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: contribution of others. You remember all the things you do right, 199 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 1: but you forget all the things you do wrong. You 200 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,480 Speaker 1: remember all the things that they do wrong, and you 201 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: remember none of the things that they do right. Scorekeeping 202 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,600 Speaker 1: is competitive. It's all about who's doing more, who's giving more. 203 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:41,560 Speaker 1: Real friendship isn't about competition. It's about collaboration. It's thinking 204 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,960 Speaker 1: as a team. If everyone on a team is thinking 205 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: about who's doing more who's doing less, you can't win. 206 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: But if everyone plays their role, that's when you get 207 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: a chance. If over time, one person feels like the 208 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,679 Speaker 1: debtor and resents it, the other feels like the creditor 209 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:03,520 Speaker 1: and grows bitter. Fake friends remember what you owe. Real 210 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:08,839 Speaker 1: friends forget what they give. Fake friends keep score. Real 211 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: friends lose count. Fake friends hand you favors with strings attached. 212 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:20,840 Speaker 1: Real friends give without conditions. Fake friends treat kindness like currency. 213 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:26,920 Speaker 1: Real friends treat kindness like breathing. Fake friends loan support 214 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:33,080 Speaker 1: to be repaid. Real friends invest love with no return expected. 215 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:38,319 Speaker 1: Fake friends give to gain, Real friends give to grow. 216 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 1: One way to know the difference between a real or 217 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: a fake friend is share the good news and watch 218 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,640 Speaker 1: the micro reaction. We've always talked about how a good 219 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,960 Speaker 1: friend is someone you can reach out to in the 220 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,439 Speaker 1: time of need. When someone shows up for you when 221 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 1: things aren't going well for you, that says a lot. 222 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: It says a lot about them, and you shouldn't forget 223 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 1: those people. You Know what's really interesting, A real friend 224 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,559 Speaker 1: is also someone that you want to talk to when 225 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:09,080 Speaker 1: you're winning, when you're doing well, when things are going great. 226 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: How many times have you thought about calling someone or 227 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: texting someone about a win, a promotion, a little win, 228 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,000 Speaker 1: a small win in your life, and you actually hold 229 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:21,680 Speaker 1: back because you thought, I don't want to. I think 230 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 1: this person might be a bit triggered by it. Now, Hey, 231 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,079 Speaker 1: if they're going through a really difficult time right now, 232 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: that makes you a good friend to think about that. 233 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:33,360 Speaker 1: If we're thinking about how our actions can agitate and 234 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 1: trigger and upset other people because of what they're going through, 235 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 1: that makes us a good friend. But at the same time, 236 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,960 Speaker 1: a great friend of yours will want to hear about 237 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 1: your wins unless they're going through something really, really difficult. 238 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 1: And that's what it takes. It takes two people to 239 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,199 Speaker 1: really understand the nuances of what friendship requires. But when 240 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 1: you're getting to know someone, this is a great rule 241 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:59,439 Speaker 1: to use. Share good news and what's their micro expressions? 242 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,960 Speaker 1: A fake friend, we'll have a delayed smile, They'll have 243 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 1: a quick subject change or a subtle undercut right. They 244 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: might say something that kind of makes it seem insignificant. 245 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:14,719 Speaker 1: A real friend has genuine excitement, follow up questions, They're curious, 246 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: and they match your energy. Micro expressions reveal envy faster 247 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: than any words can mask it. Now here's the true question. 248 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:29,320 Speaker 1: Can you be friends long term with someone who envies you? 249 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:36,160 Speaker 1: Here's the answer. Yes, but only if they're Envy evolves 250 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 1: into respect and learning. Envy has a cousin called study. 251 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: They're both the same thing. In one sense, you're admiring 252 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: someone else, but in envy you wish you had it, 253 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: whereas in study you want to know how they got 254 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 1: it right. In envy, you think I wish I had that. 255 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,520 Speaker 1: I deserve more. I can't believe they got it? Why 256 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,440 Speaker 1: not me? In study, you think how did they get there? 257 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: I hope I can learn from them. I hope it 258 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 1: can grow with them. Envy at its root is corrosive. 259 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:08,680 Speaker 1: It's wanting what someone has and potentially even wishing that 260 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: they didn't have it. Psychologists call this malicious envy. It 261 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:17,320 Speaker 1: eats a way at trust because deep down someone secretly 262 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 1: rooting against you. But there's another form of envy that 263 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,240 Speaker 1: is more common, the kind that says you inspire me 264 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: and I want to rise to your level. That kind 265 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:32,280 Speaker 1: of envy can actually strengthen a friendship. It becomes fuel. 266 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 1: The danger is this envy always puts a crack in 267 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 1: the glass. If that person doesn't deal with it, resentment 268 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: leaks through, and over time you'll notice subtle jabs muted 269 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: applause or that quiet satisfaction when you stumble. So the 270 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 1: real answer is you can be friends with someone who 271 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 1: envies you, but only if they're envy becomes respect or 272 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,840 Speaker 1: becomes support. If it stays envy, you'll never feel safe 273 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: because endy doesn't clap for you, it competes with you. 274 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 1: A real friend isn't threatened when good things happen for you. 275 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,000 Speaker 1: They celebrate with you and even use your success as 276 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: motivation to push themselves forward. A fake friend feels uneasy 277 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: when you succeed. They may smile, but deep down they're 278 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 1: wishing it happened to them. A real friend asks how 279 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,160 Speaker 1: can I support you? A fake friend asks why not me? 280 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: A real friend claps loudly when you win. A fake 281 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,680 Speaker 1: friend claps softly or not at all, because your win 282 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: feels like they're loss. A real friend grows with you. 283 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: They were inspired by your growth and want to rise 284 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,680 Speaker 1: alongside you. A fake friend resents your growth. They want 285 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,520 Speaker 1: you to stay the same so they don't feel left behind. 286 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:15,719 Speaker 1: Real friends see your success as shared joy. Fake friends 287 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: see your success as their personal failure. Again, I want 288 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: to point this out. If you're a real friend too, 289 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 1: you'll be mindful of agitating or hurting someone. I was 290 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,879 Speaker 1: talking to a friend recently. They were really excited that 291 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,200 Speaker 1: they got pregnant, but they knew that one of their 292 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:37,360 Speaker 1: friends had just had a miscarriage, so they were mindful 293 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:39,840 Speaker 1: in how they shared that news. Does that mean the 294 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,000 Speaker 1: friend who had a miscarriage was a bad friend because 295 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 1: they couldn't be excited? Of course not. They were going 296 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,040 Speaker 1: through something extremely tragic and difficult, And so we have 297 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:51,240 Speaker 1: to realize that good friend requires understanding on both sides. 298 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,959 Speaker 1: I think we live in a culture right now that 299 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: goes well, if you don't show up for me, they 300 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: were not good friends. But did I show up for 301 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: you properly in that moment in the way you needed 302 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:03,879 Speaker 1: me too as well? You've got to take that into account. 303 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,440 Speaker 1: The next one is that fake friends make you feel 304 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 1: like you're not enough or you're too much all at 305 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,880 Speaker 1: the same time, real friends make you realize you are 306 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,840 Speaker 1: just who you are, right. A real friend's gonna be like, hey, 307 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,879 Speaker 1: sometimes you can be annoying, Right, sometimes you are the 308 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,560 Speaker 1: most frustrating person to be around. But that's not too 309 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: much and it's not not enough. A fake friend will say, 310 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,439 Speaker 1: you know what, sometimes you're just too much, You're just 311 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,920 Speaker 1: too much. A fake friend will be like, yeah, I 312 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 1: don't think you're good enough of that. I don't think 313 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,200 Speaker 1: I don't think I don't think you could do that. 314 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 1: There's no openness. A fake friend is also someone who 315 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: tells you you're amazing and you can do everything. A 316 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,679 Speaker 1: real friend goes, hey, have you thought about this? And 317 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 1: that is so much depending on us as a friend. 318 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,240 Speaker 1: Are we giving them that space to be that way? 319 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 1: It's not just how people are, it's how we allow 320 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,439 Speaker 1: them to be. If we want to be surrounded by 321 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,399 Speaker 1: everyone who says yes to every one of our ideas, 322 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 1: that's what you'll get. Then you can't be mad that 323 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:59,239 Speaker 1: you don't have honest friends. But if you're someone who 324 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,600 Speaker 1: allows for someone want to say that to you, you're 325 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: gonna have much deeper relationships. But maybe you've had this, 326 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:10,960 Speaker 1: Maybe someone said to you you're too sensitive, you're not enough. 327 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,920 Speaker 1: Whatever it may be, the truth is a real friend 328 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 1: will be like, hey, this is the reality. This is 329 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,960 Speaker 1: what you look like. Sometimes you're great, sometimes you're not great. Right, 330 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:25,040 Speaker 1: Unconditional positive regard predicts healthy bonds. Real friends never make 331 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:29,960 Speaker 1: you feel too much or not enough. Fake friends make 332 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,960 Speaker 1: you question yourself too loud, to quiet, too needy, too distant. 333 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:40,119 Speaker 1: Real friends accept your highs and lows. Fake friends only 334 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,439 Speaker 1: one the easy version of you. Real friends let you 335 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 1: show up unfiltered. Fake friends make you edit yourself to 336 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:53,000 Speaker 1: keep their approval. Real friends remind you that who you 337 00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 1: are is enough. Fake friends leave you feeling like you 338 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,639 Speaker 1: always need to be someone else. Yes, Now, this is 339 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:07,640 Speaker 1: probably the biggest one. Observe how they talk about others. 340 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 1: Fake friends. They constantly gossip, especially about people that they 341 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 1: call their friends. A real friend may vent occasionally, but 342 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:20,320 Speaker 1: they don't undermine or betray someone's confidence. Now here's the 343 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 1: behavioral cue. Gossip about others is future gossip about you. 344 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 1: Remember that if someone's gossiping about others, that means in 345 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: the future they will probably gossip about you. And what 346 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: we do is we use gossip as a way to bond. 347 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: It's the easiest, lowest form of connection. If we both 348 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,639 Speaker 1: don't like the same person and we bond over that, 349 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: that is the lowest form of connection. This is known 350 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: in the bugger Ghita as something known as the mode 351 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: of ignorance, where we connect over negativity, fear, ignorance, anxiety 352 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: right where we're getting connec because we both hate the 353 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: same person or don't like something about them. A step 354 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: up from that is something known as the mode of passion. 355 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 1: It's when you bond with someone because you have the 356 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: same goals. You want to do the same workout. You 357 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,160 Speaker 1: want to build muscle, you want to lose weight, whatever, 358 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,520 Speaker 1: and you both want the same thing, you want to 359 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,639 Speaker 1: be successful. Higher than that is when you connect with 360 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: each other because you want to create peace in each 361 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,840 Speaker 1: other's lives. You want to love joy connection, that's what 362 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,960 Speaker 1: you want to share. Those are the three types of relationships. 363 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,080 Speaker 1: We've got to be really careful about the bonds that 364 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 1: are made over gossip. If someone bonds with you by 365 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:39,639 Speaker 1: talking badly about others, the unspoken truth is they'll do 366 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:45,159 Speaker 1: the same with you. Research shows negative reciprocity. How people 367 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 1: behave towards others is how they're likely to behave toward you. 368 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 1: It creates something known as shallow intimacy. Gossip feels like 369 00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:58,280 Speaker 1: closeness because you're in on the secret, but it's not 370 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: about you. It's about someone else not being there. Psychologists 371 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 1: call this pseudo intimacy. Quick surface level closeness that doesn't 372 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 1: last at all. It actually spreads anxiety instead of safety. 373 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: True friendship lowers stress. Gossip does the opposite. It plan'ts suspicion. 374 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 1: You wonder what did they say about me when I'm 375 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:27,719 Speaker 1: not there. Gossip activates the brain's threat detection system, putting 376 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:32,159 Speaker 1: you on edge instead of at ease. Trust theory shows 377 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:37,920 Speaker 1: that once you see someone betray another, you subconsciously mark 378 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:42,240 Speaker 1: them as a betrayer. Fake friends talk badly about others 379 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,800 Speaker 1: to get close to you. Real friends talk about you 380 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:50,480 Speaker 1: to get close to you. Fake friends use gossip as 381 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: the glue. Real friends use honesty as the glue. Fake 382 00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: friends share secrets that aren't theirs. Real friends protect the 383 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:05,560 Speaker 1: secrets you trust them with. Fake friends bond over tearing 384 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:10,200 Speaker 1: people down. Real friends bond over building other people up. 385 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,400 Speaker 1: Fake friends have you wondering what they say about you 386 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 1: when you're not there. Real friends make you confident they 387 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,680 Speaker 1: defend you when you're not in the room. Another way 388 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,480 Speaker 1: you can tell is that fake friends want the best 389 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: from you, and real friends want the best for you. Now, 390 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:34,680 Speaker 1: fake friends loyalty is conditional on your usefulness. Real friends 391 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: don't care whether you're useful. They appreciate you. Now, this 392 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: is the difference between instrumental versus intrinsic relationships. Shallow bonds 393 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: are transactional. Deep ones are values based. A real relationship 394 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:53,479 Speaker 1: is one that is built on values and vision. If 395 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,760 Speaker 1: you have a similar vision, you have similar values, you 396 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 1: have a powerful relationship. If you don't, but you might 397 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,840 Speaker 1: think you do, because some of that aura from your 398 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,639 Speaker 1: values and vision can kind of feel intoxicating. Sometimes fake 399 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 1: friends may just want your connections, they want your network, 400 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,640 Speaker 1: They want to know how you got there, and that's 401 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,320 Speaker 1: all they want. Real friends just want you to be 402 00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: happy and they enjoy your company. And how I think 403 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,479 Speaker 1: that adds up is that fake friends disappear when you change, 404 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,879 Speaker 1: and real friends they grow with you. I'm sure in 405 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,359 Speaker 1: your life you're at a place where you've changed so 406 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 1: many times. You probably changed since you're at college, you changed, 407 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,359 Speaker 1: since you're at high school. You change now that you're married, 408 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 1: or you've got kids, or whether you move to a 409 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,960 Speaker 1: new city. You've changed in so many ways. A real 410 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,760 Speaker 1: friend wants to know why you changed, how you're changing. 411 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,720 Speaker 1: The curious you don't have to like the same thing. Now. 412 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,879 Speaker 1: This trigger is parts of people because they don't want 413 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,679 Speaker 1: to grow, they might be scared about it too, so 414 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 1: you've got to be compassion and patient. I think that's 415 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:53,640 Speaker 1: one of the most important things, is that if you're 416 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,720 Speaker 1: changing and growing fast, if you can be compassion and 417 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,480 Speaker 1: patient for others, they may catch up with you and 418 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 1: you give them and the opportunity. If we don't, you 419 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,560 Speaker 1: can just intimidate people and scare them again. It comes 420 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,720 Speaker 1: down to both. If someone's scared of your growth, it 421 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,000 Speaker 1: doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. It's about 422 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 1: you also giving them the patience and grace that you 423 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: needed to get to where you are. I hope that 424 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:19,080 Speaker 1: these principles give you a better radar and also help 425 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:22,240 Speaker 1: you recognize that it's not really as black and white. 426 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,440 Speaker 1: I talked about real versus fake friends to give you 427 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 1: a sense of that, but it's not as clear cut. 428 00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 1: The reality is it requires a lot from us to 429 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:31,720 Speaker 1: be a good friend, as much as we want others 430 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 1: to be, and that comes from understanding. It comes from 431 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,320 Speaker 1: having difficult conversations. It comes from creating space. It comes 432 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,680 Speaker 1: from being three steps ahead and waiting and being four 433 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,480 Speaker 1: steps behind and hoping someone waits for you. I really 434 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 1: hope this episode helps you. I want you to share 435 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,760 Speaker 1: it with a real friend. I want you to share 436 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,399 Speaker 1: it with someone that you're struggling with to have a 437 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:55,200 Speaker 1: better conversation and connection. Pass it on and remember and 438 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 1: forever in your corner, and I'm always rooting for you. 439 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 1: If you love this episode, I need you to listen 440 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:04,199 Speaker 1: to one of my favorite conversations ever. It's with the 441 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,480 Speaker 1: one and only Tom Holland on how to overcome your 442 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:12,240 Speaker 1: social anxiety, especially in situations where you're not drinking and 443 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,920 Speaker 1: everyone else is. We talk about his sobriety journey and 444 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,240 Speaker 1: so much more. He gets really personal. I can't wait 445 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 1: for you to hear it. It's going to blow your mind. 446 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,639 Speaker 1: The quote is, if you have a problem with me, 447 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,840 Speaker 1: text me. And if you don't have my number, you 448 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,800 Speaker 1: don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.