Speaker 1: So, if I'm being completely transparent, there are some days
Speaker 1: that I wish I had added some more tales to
Speaker 1: my home memoir. Oh yeah, Well, if we're being completely honest,
Speaker 1: I wish you went through a whole phase two damn
Speaker 1: really dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos without boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Then
Speaker 1: adds to the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. So let me take you all
Speaker 1: back in time two thousand and four, my junior year
Speaker 1: of college. Junior in college, Kadina and I had been
Speaker 1: living together in the dorms since two thousand and two,
Speaker 1: and we were going through that that point in a
Speaker 1: relationship where it's just like dang, Like, um, I was
Speaker 1: my first time being an All American, I'm the man
Speaker 1: on campus me and even living together every single day.
Speaker 1: I was kind of feeling myself and I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: I'm I was just twenty years old. Was twenty years old.
Speaker 1: So I was like, Babe, we've been arguing a lot lately. Um,
Speaker 1: we were having issues. I was like, you don't want
Speaker 1: to date nobody else? I think we should date other people,
Speaker 1: and she was just like no, And I was just
Speaker 1: like you sure, I said, babe, because I don't want
Speaker 1: you to ever if we're gonna if we're talking about
Speaker 1: for ever and we were gonna ever get married, I
Speaker 1: don't want there to ever be any resentment towards each
Speaker 1: other if we don't date other people. And then Conde says, well,
Speaker 1: if you want to date somebody else, you can, but
Speaker 1: I don't feel like they anybody else. I'm good here.
Speaker 1: So I was like, all right, I'm gonna date somebody else.
Speaker 1: So I think it lasted about a week. About a
Speaker 1: week I had moved out. I had moved out of
Speaker 1: her apartment on campus, and for about a week, and
Speaker 1: I was talking to other people. I'm gonna tell y'all
Speaker 1: after story time, I'm gonna let you finished. I'll showed
Speaker 1: up back at my doorstep. Oh my gosh, this is
Speaker 1: about to be the biggest life of them. But I
Speaker 1: left and then after a week we spoke every day
Speaker 1: still and after a week I came back. That was
Speaker 1: anticlimactic to say the least. I mean, alright, karaoke time.
Speaker 1: I had to do it because you know, this is
Speaker 1: one of my my jams, like this is on, And
Speaker 1: I know you hate when I say this is my jam,
Speaker 1: one of jams, This is one of my why I
Speaker 1: gotta sound like I'm missing teeth, one of my jams
Speaker 1: this is on, wrote this is on rotation on one
Speaker 1: of like my go to playlists right from my girl
Speaker 1: Jasmine Sullivan. I love Jasmine Suliman's music, however, this one
Speaker 1: in particular. Al Right, I can't necessarily relate to everything
Speaker 1: in it, but it just makes me feel some kind
Speaker 1: of way, you know what I'm saying. Ready, boom boom boom. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my hair and my ass fake, but so what so what?
Speaker 1: I get my rent paid with it? And these tids
Speaker 1: get me trips to places I can't pronounce. He said,
Speaker 1: they keep in coming. If I keep my body, it's
Speaker 1: time I eat. And then bit just stay mad because
Speaker 1: I'm living the line. Because I'm living the line, you
Speaker 1: know that it does go hard, and if you really
Speaker 1: actually look at the lyrics, I'm just like, okay, girl.
Speaker 1: Like in another verse, she's like, I ain't got a job,
Speaker 1: but so what, I don't need it when I'm getting everything.
Speaker 1: I want everything I asked for. I wear a freakum
Speaker 1: dress for daddy and then he gives me more. I mean,
Speaker 1: I can relate now. I can relate now with my husband. However,
Speaker 1: I didn't really have moments like that back in the day. No,
Speaker 1: right now, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it alright, hotels,
Speaker 1: let's talk about it. But Mascara wasn't on hotels. That
Speaker 1: song was before. Let's talk about that and hotels. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you how the bell came back. But okay,
Speaker 1: So after the Vaal was going for a week because
Speaker 1: he made it a thing where he was like, gonna
Speaker 1: pack up my stuff, I'm gonna leave. I'm moving out.
Speaker 1: You know, I want to see other people. Blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: I was like, God, good, you know, so um he
Speaker 1: leaves and then he comes back like literally a week later.
Speaker 1: And the best part about it is that it was
Speaker 1: in the wintertime, right, so it was one of those
Speaker 1: like really cold like New York days, like almost blizzard
Speaker 1: because it was a lot like wind and snow and
Speaker 1: all that. Devout, let me tell you, shows up at
Speaker 1: my door right with a suit with a suitcase. Right,
Speaker 1: he had this bubble coat on, but he had like
Speaker 1: a scarf wrapped around his head and like thrown over
Speaker 1: his neck. He literally looked like Mary J. Blige in
Speaker 1: the Not Gonna Cry video? What was your loving working
Speaker 1: every day? Anything? I would do that? That's literally how
Speaker 1: Devot shot up out the doorstep, y'all. And at that
Speaker 1: point I was just like, how could I not like
Speaker 1: open the door and let him back in? And then
Speaker 1: here we are. First of all, I came back because
Speaker 1: I was hungry for two years and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: Then you go back to living in your dorm. Now,
Speaker 1: let's see what it is because you wanted to be
Speaker 1: out there holing, but she wasn't getting meals first of all,
Speaker 1: so hey, I wasn't home with neither. I had talked
Speaker 1: to a few people, but I wasn't home. Neither one
Speaker 1: of us had a true whole face. Because I could
Speaker 1: have been a whole win, that's a fact could have
Speaker 1: been especially the years I was in the league. I
Speaker 1: could have been freaking home. I could have been holing too,
Speaker 1: but like a silent hole to like nobody had to
Speaker 1: know that I was holding if that was true, not
Speaker 1: to know that is true. But here's the label on
Speaker 1: people as hose hold on. Here's the thing why, Because
Speaker 1: this is what I want to ask you, the question
Speaker 1: why when I asked you? Because now she's saying she
Speaker 1: missed her whole face. But when I asked her when
Speaker 1: she she wanted to go through her phase and date
Speaker 1: of the people she said no, why did you say no? Well,
Speaker 1: that's a loaded question. But I will start by saying this.
Speaker 1: I hate to say back in the day, because you're
Speaker 1: already telling me I was over saying my jam. But
Speaker 1: back in the day, in our in our time, okay,
Speaker 1: the idea of a girl just being out there in
Speaker 1: these streets, as they would say, now, it was just
Speaker 1: something that I was taught being as I was raised,
Speaker 1: you know, by my parents and my mom even just
Speaker 1: like my cousin's older family members that that just was
Speaker 1: not becoming as my mom was, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: It was a lady like to do those kind of things. Um,
Speaker 1: So at that point in time, it was kind of
Speaker 1: just like, um, dating multiple men naturally, people assume that
Speaker 1: you're probably gonna then be having sex with them, So
Speaker 1: it's just like, Wow, you can't like just jump around
Speaker 1: from man to man because what will that look like?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And then also too, there
Speaker 1: was also this feeling of me, as it pertains to
Speaker 1: you at the time, feeling like, man, if I was
Speaker 1: to not be with devout right now and I tell him,
Speaker 1: you know what you want to take other people, I'm
Speaker 1: going to take other people. At that point, I feel
Speaker 1: like even if we were to revisit being together later on,
Speaker 1: you'd probably feel like, damn, this time that we've spent
Speaker 1: a part you might have been with other men. And
Speaker 1: even and even though we decided that we weren't going
Speaker 1: to disclose that being on a break with each other,
Speaker 1: like you do you you and I'll do me, and
Speaker 1: then we won't have to discuss that because that's going
Speaker 1: to be our off time. That for that's for us.
Speaker 1: I feel like there still would have been this question
Speaker 1: in your mind, like, damn, you know, I don't know
Speaker 1: who could Dean has potentially been with, or how many
Speaker 1: people could Dean has potentially been with, And if that
Speaker 1: was gonna then skew your decision to pick back up
Speaker 1: where things left off or for us to potentially be
Speaker 1: together moving forward. There was also the fair in me
Speaker 1: that damn, somebody might be out there home with devout
Speaker 1: better than I cant home. You know what I mean,
Speaker 1: meaning if we were talking about what you say to me,
Speaker 1: that you was fine with me going to talk to
Speaker 1: other people, don't. Yeah, At that point I felt like
Speaker 1: it was I was fine and I was talking out
Speaker 1: of both sides of my mouth. I will say that
Speaker 1: because it was like and one breath, I felt like, Damn,
Speaker 1: I don't want to keep you here as a hostage
Speaker 1: either and make you feel like you are obligated to
Speaker 1: be here and then be unhappy because, to be honest,
Speaker 1: we both met each other at a space in our
Speaker 1: lives where we did not want to necessarily be with
Speaker 1: another person solely. You had just gotten to college. I
Speaker 1: was also a boyfriend right and I was starting my
Speaker 1: second year of college when I transferred to Hafstra, coming
Speaker 1: from you know, a family background where my parents were
Speaker 1: you know, pretty strict, and I wasn't able to go
Speaker 1: out and do anything or just just have fun and
Speaker 1: and date and party and things like that. So I
Speaker 1: was looking forward to that space in my in my life. Um.
Speaker 1: And then we met each other literally like my first
Speaker 1: right before my first semester, and then we were just like, damn,
Speaker 1: this just just maybe it. Um. So at that point
Speaker 1: in time, it wasn't for me necessarily about the amount
Speaker 1: of time I had invested for me. It was more
Speaker 1: so about I really really am into this person. I
Speaker 1: love this man. I can foresee a future with him.
Speaker 1: Do I want to risk all of that by potentially
Speaker 1: a allowing him to potentially meet somebody else who he
Speaker 1: made I'm going to be with somebody else. You did
Speaker 1: say that I risk that, but then also to part
Speaker 1: of me felt like, damn, I really don't. Like I'm nervous.
Speaker 1: I'm scared that he may just not come back all right,
Speaker 1: because you were worried that if you were with someone else,
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't take you back. Um, in part that
Speaker 1: or that you would have just moved on, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So you told me it was okay
Speaker 1: for me to go talk to someone else, so you
Speaker 1: will find willing to risk that. But you weren't willing
Speaker 1: to risk you talking to someone else because you were
Speaker 1: afraid that I wouldn't accept you based on the way
Speaker 1: I had. Yes, based on my mindset at that time. Yes. Now,
Speaker 1: the reason why I'm asking these questions specifically is because
Speaker 1: of this. I am in favor of whole phases for women, right,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna I'm gonna say this because one, I
Speaker 1: don't think it's necessarily a whole phase, all right, I
Speaker 1: don't um we call it a whole phase, which is
Speaker 1: part of the patriarchy. Right. If I'm out there talking
Speaker 1: to different women, even if I'm having sex or not,
Speaker 1: I'm some of my wild oats as a man. You
Speaker 1: told get that out of the system, experience what life
Speaker 1: is like. Right for a woman, if she tries to
Speaker 1: have the same experiences, it's called the whole phase, which
Speaker 1: automatically has a negative connotation whether you're having sex or not.
Speaker 1: If you're dating multiple man, people automatically assume that you're
Speaker 1: having sex. It's automatically called the whole phase. Right. So
Speaker 1: I'm in favor of a woman having autonomy over her
Speaker 1: life and her agency over her body, right, because I
Speaker 1: feel like that's the only way a woman can truly
Speaker 1: understand what it is to be a partner with someone
Speaker 1: wants it's time to get married, so that she's pretty
Speaker 1: much explored whatever options that she wanted to explore in
Speaker 1: whatever shape, form or fashion that looks like for her,
Speaker 1: and then she can decide. All right, at this point,
Speaker 1: I've done all of these things, so now I'm confident
Speaker 1: in who I am and I won't necessarily put restrictions
Speaker 1: on my partner that And also, how could you understand
Speaker 1: where I'm coming from as a man if I've always
Speaker 1: had agency over my life and my experiences, if you've
Speaker 1: never had agency, right, So just think about it for historically,
Speaker 1: think about it for when you meet someone young, right,
Speaker 1: you have certain obligations, right, and you feel trapped. Right.
Speaker 1: That's men and women we meet each other young, we're
Speaker 1: trying to be who the other person wants us to be.
Speaker 1: We feel trapped. For women, women feel trapped whether they're
Speaker 1: in a relationship or not, because society has already dictated
Speaker 1: that if you date around too much, or if you
Speaker 1: have sex with multiple people your whole So in your life,
Speaker 1: you've automatically been trapped in this idea that I have
Speaker 1: to save myself for the one person I choose, And
Speaker 1: once I choose that person, I can't choose somebody else
Speaker 1: because if I choose someone else after this one person,
Speaker 1: then I'm a whole. So I gotta deal with this
Speaker 1: one person. Right. So, now that you put all of
Speaker 1: that that women have been trapped with right now, that
Speaker 1: woman becomes a wife. You know what that woman does
Speaker 1: then tries to trap their husband in that same mindset
Speaker 1: because that's how they existed their whole life. And that
Speaker 1: is why I'm in favor of the whole phase. I'm
Speaker 1: calling the whole face. That's what's called but autonomy for
Speaker 1: women and agency having their bodies because the only way
Speaker 1: they can understand the the value of having choices is
Speaker 1: if we give women choices because it sounds nice, No,
Speaker 1: it does sound we just so that the vast majority
Speaker 1: does not feel that way, because in a patriarchal society,
Speaker 1: control over a woman's body is essential to maintaining power.
Speaker 1: Right Historically, and issues of issues of choice are turned
Speaker 1: into issues of morality, um, political pillars, those kind of things, right,
Speaker 1: and women are taught that their value lies in their
Speaker 1: purity in the eyes of men, and then then that
Speaker 1: even takes it to like though it takes two to tango,
Speaker 1: the man cannot be responsible for his animalistic desires. So
Speaker 1: there's like two completely different things being made here. And
Speaker 1: the idea in that order to be desired, women must
Speaker 1: feed men's egos and satisfy their delusions while still suppressing
Speaker 1: their own needs and desires. It's created who a whole
Speaker 1: toxic culture between But do you not understand why people
Speaker 1: struggle in relationships because of that? And what I'm saying
Speaker 1: is that the patriarchy has created it so that women,
Speaker 1: once you get married, are your property now you know,
Speaker 1: so it doesn't matter what they want or need because
Speaker 1: you own her. That's why she takes your last name.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is, I don't want a piece of property.
Speaker 1: I don't thrive in a relationship where I want to
Speaker 1: tell my wife what it is. I want to live
Speaker 1: in a relationship where my wife chose me the same
Speaker 1: way I chose her, because I know sexually, And this
Speaker 1: is why it's important for That's why even the whole
Speaker 1: phase aspects sexually, your wife is going to give you
Speaker 1: a better sexual experience if she is wholeheartedly choosing to
Speaker 1: be with you in that moment. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm being selfish. I'm i am absolutely being selfish.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this because I want women to feel
Speaker 1: empowering and all this other stuff. And you know, men
Speaker 1: need to take control, you know me own up of
Speaker 1: the patriarchy. And because it sounds nice, I'm saying this
Speaker 1: because I'm being selfish, and I'm telling you as a husband,
Speaker 1: I feel better having sex when we have sex. When
Speaker 1: you've chosen to have sex in that moment, the sex
Speaker 1: is just better. You see what I'm saying. When you're
Speaker 1: obligated to have sex, sex is terrible. So for me,
Speaker 1: it's like, you know what, thinking over years, if Cadine
Speaker 1: ever had a whole phase where she went out and
Speaker 1: had agency over her life, right and say we didn't
Speaker 1: meet at a team, Say you had your whole face
Speaker 1: before we met, before we met, Say we met at five,
Speaker 1: but from eighteen to twenty five you dated, you were
Speaker 1: able to be with different guys. I wouldn't know who
Speaker 1: they were. I wouldn't know how many, it wouldn't matter.
Speaker 1: But now you've had that opportunity to feel free and
Speaker 1: be have agency. But now you're choosing to be with me.
Speaker 1: I know for a fact that when you're choosing to
Speaker 1: be with me, you're choosing it out of your own
Speaker 1: free will. So now you're enjoying every moment that you have.
Speaker 1: And that's me being selfish. I want those moments. I
Speaker 1: don't want it to be Dang. He felt trapped her
Speaker 1: whole life we've been dating is eighteen and then now
Speaker 1: that we're married in together, she's trapped here too, and
Speaker 1: she wants to trap me because she felt trapped. No,
Speaker 1: I understand it's interesting that you said that. I didn't
Speaker 1: think of it in that way where you're you're saying, okay,
Speaker 1: because I may have felt trapped. Or say, a woman
Speaker 1: feels trapped because she was not able to explore all
Speaker 1: of the options that she had, whether it be just courting, dating, sex, relationships, whatever,
Speaker 1: it then causing her to then want to entrap the man.
Speaker 1: And then I guess that resentment can kind of spill
Speaker 1: over when the resentment has nothing necessarily to do with
Speaker 1: your husband in that moment because he may not have
Speaker 1: been the guy that you might have met him two
Speaker 1: years ago, and at that point, you know, he had
Speaker 1: nothing to do with the fact that you were not
Speaker 1: able to do those things. But now he is now
Speaker 1: unfortunately having to bear the brunt of it. Tell me
Speaker 1: we haven't been interesting. We've We've talked about sex a lot, right,
Speaker 1: And you said things to me just like, well, no,
Speaker 1: you just have to be with me at this point
Speaker 1: because I'm your wife and that's it. These things you
Speaker 1: talked about having other options and off like, no, it's
Speaker 1: a wrap. This is what it is because I'm your
Speaker 1: wife and my husband, right, and I say to you, babe,
Speaker 1: we have options, like and I've always said you like,
Speaker 1: we have options. I don't have to be here the
Speaker 1: same way you don't have to be here. You've said
Speaker 1: to me, what options have I had my whole life?
Speaker 1: I've had to be this way to be prepared to
Speaker 1: be a wife. So you've never felt like you've had options.
Speaker 1: You felt like society has put on you that you've
Speaker 1: had to be as close to a version as possible
Speaker 1: to be acceptable. So think about it. The reason why
Speaker 1: you feel like me not having options is okay. It
Speaker 1: is because you felt like your whole life you've never
Speaker 1: had options and you learned to live with them. But
Speaker 1: I haven't lived that way. So when someone says to me,
Speaker 1: I'm taking away your options, it's kind of like, how
Speaker 1: you can just take away my options? Nobody can take
Speaker 1: away my options, but I'm not realizing that because I've
Speaker 1: never existed in that state. It's almost like when a
Speaker 1: white person says they don't understand racism because they're they're white,
Speaker 1: that you know they have the ability to kind of
Speaker 1: escape from that because they're not black. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: of course they're so far removing. They have that privilege.
Speaker 1: Definitely had that privilege is a man to be able
Speaker 1: to do what I want to do and not feel
Speaker 1: the pressure from society of it. So when I come
Speaker 1: into a relationship with my wife, who has these pressures
Speaker 1: as a woman, I'm not understanding it. And it really
Speaker 1: made me think, like, you know what, if I had
Speaker 1: met Codeine at as opposed to eighteen and she went
Speaker 1: through her quote unquote whole face, whether that was multiple
Speaker 1: partners or just dating more, I feel like you would
Speaker 1: have been in a more inclined position to say I'm
Speaker 1: willing to compromise here on this because I did what
Speaker 1: I wanted to do. I've had agency. I want to
Speaker 1: see how we can compromise. But when you spent your
Speaker 1: whole life feeling trapped and now we're married, you're like, bro,
Speaker 1: I've been trapped, so well, yeah, it's found upon And
Speaker 1: especially if you're come from a family or that has
Speaker 1: maybe religious beliefs and stuff like that, you're like holding
Speaker 1: onto you know, your your virginity until marriage, for example,
Speaker 1: and then at that point it becomes a thing where
Speaker 1: it's like damn, Like, my husband is the one person
Speaker 1: that I've been with, and the argument there may be, oh,
Speaker 1: this is the one person I've been with, so I
Speaker 1: can't compare this to anything else. And I can understand that,
Speaker 1: But also too, as you get older and you're with
Speaker 1: that one person and you realize, man, there might have
Speaker 1: been opportunities for me to then explore more. So it
Speaker 1: becomes hard because not to say my family was super religious,
Speaker 1: but they did instill in me, Yeah, they were. They
Speaker 1: were raised that way to my parents, not so much
Speaker 1: my grandparents, aunt and uncle's yes, but also raising that
Speaker 1: you know you're always valuing is valuing yourself, valuing your body,
Speaker 1: and then also to when I think about it, the
Speaker 1: whole phase, does that necessarily mean the number of penises
Speaker 1: you've had? You know what I mean? Is it just
Speaker 1: it just that? Is it just strictly intercourse? I mean
Speaker 1: typically when you say a girl's like, oh, it means
Speaker 1: that historically she's been sleeping with mad people. But also too,
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be that, right, No, it doesn't
Speaker 1: need to be that because the minute you date right
Speaker 1: or start dating, people automatically assume that two people who
Speaker 1: are dating are having sex. Like that's just the world
Speaker 1: that we live in this space right now, and it's
Speaker 1: almost expected if you're no, yeah, if you're it's almost
Speaker 1: expected like are we gonna? That's what. There's the whole
Speaker 1: casual sex thing that happens nowadays too that it's just
Speaker 1: like right, so, and that's that's the error we live
Speaker 1: in now. But it's called the whole phase, and it
Speaker 1: has that negative connotation once again because of the control factor.
Speaker 1: You want women to limit their sexual partners because as
Speaker 1: a as a property owner, as a man, I want
Speaker 1: my woman to only be with me. Right, It's it
Speaker 1: talked about feeding their delusions in their egos. If this
Speaker 1: woman has only been with me, she can't compare me
Speaker 1: to nothing. I'm always going to be the best she
Speaker 1: ever had. I'm saying. So if she's with yeah, you
Speaker 1: always hear somebody she for the streets. She for the streets.
Speaker 1: That's not a that's not a positive thing. That's my point.
Speaker 1: I've heard men use those things. I've heard your male
Speaker 1: friends use that. Now I'm getting what she for the streets. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. But my thing is says,
Speaker 1: do people have to know that you're for the streets
Speaker 1: or can you hold silently then talk? Absolutely? Men talk.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing, is it howing if you're not
Speaker 1: having sex with everybody right, you can't even get a
Speaker 1: whole phase because if you go on a date with
Speaker 1: this person and they go to date with it might
Speaker 1: as well accepted at this point, you know what we all.
Speaker 1: Here's my thing. We're not we're not setting women up
Speaker 1: to be wives or be good life partners if we're
Speaker 1: not giving them agency. What you're trying to do is
Speaker 1: brainwash someone to exist in the space you want them
Speaker 1: to exist in, and that is not going to make
Speaker 1: a person happy in their relationship. I see, Yeah, when
Speaker 1: you're bringing it back to relationship, I completely get it.
Speaker 1: Let her do what she wants, let him do what
Speaker 1: he wants. So when they finally do get with somebody
Speaker 1: and they want to settle down, then it makes sense.
Speaker 1: They've they've experienced, they've lived. Yep. And it's in part
Speaker 1: too why a lot of people are waiting till later. Nowadays,
Speaker 1: I feel like in our generation and the narrations to
Speaker 1: you know, after us are waiting to settle down. There's
Speaker 1: not a lot of people getting married in their twenties anymore.
Speaker 1: If anything, people are waiting until their thirties. People aren't
Speaker 1: getting married at all, you know what I mean? And
Speaker 1: that that maybe in part two because at that point
Speaker 1: in your life you kind of feel like you've experienced,
Speaker 1: you've lived, you've done things, and then you know who
Speaker 1: you are and what you want and what you don't want. Well,
Speaker 1: I think what we what we have to do is
Speaker 1: give a little context, kind of like we do with racism, right,
Speaker 1: We've got to give context of sexism. Right. So for
Speaker 1: for white people who don't understand racism, right, they don't
Speaker 1: understand the pressures black people live with every day existing
Speaker 1: in America, for example, where the Constitution have deemed them
Speaker 1: three fields of a human being or property. Right, So
Speaker 1: when we when we walk around, we get policed harder.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. We don't get access to revenue,
Speaker 1: we don't get access to things. Those pressures exist on
Speaker 1: us every single day that white people don't understand or feel. Right,
Speaker 1: It's the same thing with sexism in the world. Right,
Speaker 1: there certain privileges that men have and they're not even
Speaker 1: privy to because they don't exist in that space. So
Speaker 1: for a woman, if you dress provocatively, you can be
Speaker 1: considered the whole. If you're out of a certain time,
Speaker 1: you're considered the whole. If you're seen with a certain guy,
Speaker 1: you're considered a hope, which to me I think is
Speaker 1: completely unfair because what we're not allowing women to do
Speaker 1: is come into their own their own person. So, for example,
Speaker 1: there is um everyone has a sexual being inside of them, right,
Speaker 1: women as well. Men who want to be in monogamous
Speaker 1: relationships with women want that woman to understand their sexual
Speaker 1: beings and be everything to them sexually. Right. You told
Speaker 1: this woman her whole life not to be sexual at all,
Speaker 1: not to engage in anything sexual. But then when you
Speaker 1: get her, she has to be everything. How does that work?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? Thing like, if if we
Speaker 1: seriously think about that from a practicality standpoint, it doesn't
Speaker 1: make any sense. And that's why I'm in favor of
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna say a whole face, but allowing
Speaker 1: women because the whole phase is just so negative, but
Speaker 1: allowing women to have autonomy and agency over anything they
Speaker 1: want to do. Because it also was just a choice.
Speaker 1: I'm a man, I could have been through a huge
Speaker 1: hole phase. I just didn't want to do it right.
Speaker 1: I want to be monogamous. You know what I'm saying, Um,
Speaker 1: I value my body. I don't want to share my
Speaker 1: body with any in everybody. I made choices in my
Speaker 1: life or who I wanted to share my body with
Speaker 1: at that time. But I wasn't homing the way I
Speaker 1: could have been homing. And I think that if it's
Speaker 1: for a woman, she should have the same opportunity. That's
Speaker 1: interesting that you said that that as a man, you
Speaker 1: feel like you value your body in a in a
Speaker 1: way that not just even thinking about sharing it with
Speaker 1: anybody else, but just for you internally, you value yourself
Speaker 1: in your body so much that you feel like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I don't want to do these things or
Speaker 1: I don't want to be promiscuous because I value myself.
Speaker 1: Do you think that men think that way often? Or
Speaker 1: is it a thing where because I've heard of men,
Speaker 1: you know, when I hear side chat or when you know,
Speaker 1: guys an talk but they think I ain't listening, that
Speaker 1: are listening. Some men just be putting it in whatever.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's because you also wear
Speaker 1: your organs on the outside of your body, so it's
Speaker 1: just kind of like a detachment, whereas with females and women,
Speaker 1: you know, you know, biologically everything is internal. I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean, it's definitely different because of where the organs lie.
Speaker 1: With a woman, you have more, uh, there's more opportunities
Speaker 1: for you that one get pregnant or get a sexually
Speaker 1: transmitted disease, the more sexual partners you have because everything
Speaker 1: is internal. And then a lot of times y'all are silent, right,
Speaker 1: so for us, we we feel invincible. You know, it's outside. Oh,
Speaker 1: if I get something, I could just take a shot
Speaker 1: or get a pill or whatever. And it's good for women,
Speaker 1: it's not that simple. So for men, they're more likely
Speaker 1: to be like, I'll put on the condom and I'll
Speaker 1: just smash because also we've been conditioned to feel like
Speaker 1: that's how you prove your manliness. A lot of it
Speaker 1: just comes down to conditioning, you know, it doesn't really
Speaker 1: it comes down to an ideology that we're taught. You know,
Speaker 1: growing up, you watch television. Most of us in the
Speaker 1: black community watch rap videos, R and V videos. If
Speaker 1: you watch rap videos, it's typically one two men. The
Speaker 1: videos a ton of women, right, and the women are
Speaker 1: objectified and the men are like, I'm getting this, I'm
Speaker 1: getting that, I'm doing this, I'm doing that right. But
Speaker 1: the same men who feel comfortable doing that have a
Speaker 1: problem with a Cardi B or Meg the Stallion and
Speaker 1: the WAP video because they're like, oh, y'all are glorifying
Speaker 1: being a whole, you know what I'm saying, And y'all
Speaker 1: shouldn't glorify that. To me, it's kind of like like, damn, Like,
Speaker 1: how how is the woman that you choose for the
Speaker 1: rest of your life supposed to be that whole for you?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. You're my wife, right, I'm
Speaker 1: your husband when it comes time to things that you
Speaker 1: want sexually. I want to be able to provide all
Speaker 1: of those things for you. How do I figure that
Speaker 1: out if I don't explore sexually? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: How do you figure that out if you don't explore sex?
Speaker 1: I mean you can explore together because the kind of
Speaker 1: like how we've grown, like right, because when we were
Speaker 1: eighteen having sex versus now two completely different ends of
Speaker 1: the sect, you know what I mean. But also too, we're,
Speaker 1: like I said before, we're kind of like that that
Speaker 1: couple that's been together for so long and you know,
Speaker 1: people because we chose that, whereas there are people who
Speaker 1: are like, well into their twenties and thirties and still
Speaker 1: still exploring and still trying to figure things out and
Speaker 1: things don't work out. You know. That's my point is
Speaker 1: the choice. The point is not even the actual act
Speaker 1: of having sex with a whole bunch of people. It's
Speaker 1: the ability to have the choice to say that this
Speaker 1: is what I want to do. I know for a fact,
Speaker 1: right that I asked that question to you in college,
Speaker 1: I said, do you want to see other people? Right?
Speaker 1: I knew that you've always been about modesty and you've
Speaker 1: always been about being a lady. Right. I never wanted
Speaker 1: you later on in our marriage to be like I
Speaker 1: never got a chance to do the things I wanted
Speaker 1: to do, and now I'm going to take it out
Speaker 1: on devout. And I always felt, even as a young man,
Speaker 1: that that's what happened a lot. That's what happens a
Speaker 1: lot in marriages. Women don't get a chance to explore
Speaker 1: who they are, and not exploring is even a mental
Speaker 1: freedom to say, if I wanted to, I can can
Speaker 1: feel like judge for it. Right, you don't feel like
Speaker 1: you definitely don't know. We don't have that. What do
Speaker 1: you do? So what do you do when you become
Speaker 1: a wife, and what do you do? You put all
Speaker 1: of that pressure absolutely yeah, and be like, well, I
Speaker 1: didn't have a chance to do that, so you see,
Speaker 1: I'm still alive, I'm still here. So then once you
Speaker 1: put that on me and I was defensive, like what
Speaker 1: you like, you can't stop me from doing what I
Speaker 1: want to do. That to me is the problem. It's
Speaker 1: the problem when you take people's choices away. When you
Speaker 1: take people's choices away and you then you try to
Speaker 1: date them, they're gonna ultimately try to take your choices away.
Speaker 1: I want to be here because I want to be here.
Speaker 1: I want you to be here because you want to
Speaker 1: be here, not because you feel obligated by society's constraints
Speaker 1: on you as a woman that you have to be
Speaker 1: here to be to gain more value. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying to me, That doesn't add anything to our
Speaker 1: soul ties. That's just you saying, well, I got to
Speaker 1: be a wife to be considered valuable, and I gotta
Speaker 1: stay with Devout, and then the sex reflects that because
Speaker 1: you won't feel that way. I've always wanted you to
Speaker 1: open up and be like, yo, I want to be
Speaker 1: with Devout because I chose to be here. The only
Speaker 1: way we get that from our women is if we
Speaker 1: allow him to do that and let them make the choice.
Speaker 1: And some women just go ahead and do it. Some
Speaker 1: women may hope, some women may hope, but some women
Speaker 1: may just be like, oh, I can't hope. I still
Speaker 1: like him. No, right, you know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: that's the point. Like me, I feel like if I
Speaker 1: did have the opportunity back in the day, I feel
Speaker 1: like I would have been the serial monogamous anyway. That
Speaker 1: just kind of always wanted to be with one person
Speaker 1: or just kind of get because I feel like there's
Speaker 1: also a point to where women want to have that
Speaker 1: whole phase, but we usually are the ones that tend
Speaker 1: to fall emotionally faster. So you may go into a
Speaker 1: relationship or you may meet somebody with this mindset thinking,
Speaker 1: you know what, we're just gonna have fun. You know,
Speaker 1: regardless of where you are in your life, you could
Speaker 1: just be a young woman just out there, you know,
Speaker 1: having a good time. You could be a woman who
Speaker 1: was newly separated or divorced. You could be any of
Speaker 1: those things and just kind of feel like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get my feelings involved. I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna go out there. I want to have fun, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna date. I may or may not have sex with somebody,
Speaker 1: but then the feelings tends to get involved at that
Speaker 1: point and then it may escalate into something more. So
Speaker 1: I think sometimes women too have to be careful of
Speaker 1: that because I know that probably would have been me.
Speaker 1: I would have been like, no, I'm gonna just have fun,
Speaker 1: and the next you know, it's just like, oh, I
Speaker 1: love you, and then what happens, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: and it depends on the agreement that you're coming into
Speaker 1: these relationships with two. You can be coming to into
Speaker 1: a relationship or you can be meeting somebody saying putting
Speaker 1: it on the table, I'm just here to have a
Speaker 1: good time. Whatever that means. However it goes, We're gonna
Speaker 1: go with the flow. We're not gonna put any boundaries,
Speaker 1: We're not gonna put any expectations on it, because I
Speaker 1: think with boundaries and expectations, in addition to the societal pressures,
Speaker 1: comes all of these restraints. So instead of doing that,
Speaker 1: I kind of feel like, you know, there's there's levels
Speaker 1: to it. You could be that person that wants to
Speaker 1: just have a good time and then no strings attached
Speaker 1: and then you move on, or you're the person that
Speaker 1: decides like, oh my goodness, this may not be for me,
Speaker 1: you know, but like you said, having the the the
Speaker 1: ability to be able to decide that is what we're
Speaker 1: and it is as a man, when you have sex
Speaker 1: with your wife on the days where she wants to
Speaker 1: have sex, the sex is a hundred times better. When
Speaker 1: you have sex with your wife on the days where
Speaker 1: she feels like this is the obligation. Trash is trash,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. It's a trash smash. That's
Speaker 1: what I'm a laboring trash trash. And for me, I
Speaker 1: feel like we can eliminate the amount of trash smashes
Speaker 1: if we allow women, not even allow, because even the
Speaker 1: word allow. If we empower women, if because we spoke
Speaker 1: about allowed last season with the Girls, if anybody allow,
Speaker 1: nobody do nothing. If we empower women to, at some
Speaker 1: point in their life be open to make enough choice
Speaker 1: of whether they want to be somebody's women or not.
Speaker 1: And and imagine how many better wives there would be,
Speaker 1: right if the wives who are wives became wives because
Speaker 1: they chose that wifehood is what they wanted, as opposed
Speaker 1: to being obligated to be a wife because they feel
Speaker 1: like their standard of womanhood was risen because they became
Speaker 1: a wife. Think about it, how many better wives. So now,
Speaker 1: when you when you dating someone purposefully as a man,
Speaker 1: and this woman is saying to you, um, yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: looking to be a wife. You know she's not saying
Speaker 1: that because she knows she has to say it, because
Speaker 1: society tells her she has to say it. No, this
Speaker 1: woman is saying she's looking to be a wife because
Speaker 1: she wants to be a wife, which means everything that
Speaker 1: comes with being a wife. She's ready to take on
Speaker 1: because she made the choice to not because society pressured
Speaker 1: her to feel So, how are we gonna be out
Speaker 1: here making better husbands? Better husbands are going to be
Speaker 1: men who feel like, Okay, well my wife has been
Speaker 1: traveled so or not. No better husbands would be like
Speaker 1: this if I'm empowered as a man too, sold my
Speaker 1: wild oads and live my life the way I want
Speaker 1: to live my life, not being monogamous. There's women out
Speaker 1: there who want to do that. Those women aren't being
Speaker 1: judged me as a man, or I'm not being judged.
Speaker 1: But what if you live that life where there's women
Speaker 1: who you know don't want to be monogamous, and y'all
Speaker 1: at having fun, but it's empty. And and a man says,
Speaker 1: you know what, I want a wife because now I'm
Speaker 1: looking for that. I want a wife. I've tried this
Speaker 1: lifestyle where I have multiple women and I can go
Speaker 1: in and out of relationships, and it was empty. I
Speaker 1: want to try something more permanent. Now he's making the
Speaker 1: choice to be permanent, and he finds a woman who's
Speaker 1: making a choice to be permanent. Those people are deliberately
Speaker 1: making a choice to be with each other without any
Speaker 1: societal obligations or without any patriarchal restraints or Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think it's safe to say that there are lanes now
Speaker 1: in this space and time that we're in, there are
Speaker 1: lanes for that. I think what's missing though, is just
Speaker 1: transparency for sure. You know what I mean. The facades
Speaker 1: because of the fear of judgment, the fear of judgment.
Speaker 1: So it's like a vicious cycle here. You see what
Speaker 1: we're going with. This is a vicious because there are
Speaker 1: lanes for people. There are there are men and women
Speaker 1: that just say, you know what, I don't ever think
Speaker 1: I want to be married, I don't ever think I
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship, and those groups that
Speaker 1: pool of people should get together and have a good
Speaker 1: time exactly. Then you may change your mind years down
Speaker 1: the line and say, you know what, there is something
Speaker 1: that I'm searching for that I feel like I could
Speaker 1: find value in marriage and I'm willing to be the
Speaker 1: person to give and to serve and I'm missing that.
Speaker 1: Then you get with that group of people, so everybody
Speaker 1: pick you out pool were all at, where are you
Speaker 1: gonna be? What is your lane? And and be transparent
Speaker 1: about what you're looking for. I think that should be
Speaker 1: one of the first things up front when you're dating
Speaker 1: somebody or you're looking to just even have conversation. I
Speaker 1: don't think there's anything wrong with saying upfront, why am
Speaker 1: I here? What am I looking for? And it's also
Speaker 1: safer like, it's safer like whatever you're doing, please do
Speaker 1: it like I think about it. If if we empower
Speaker 1: a quote unquote whole phase, and I'm going to continue
Speaker 1: to say that because that's how people relate to it.
Speaker 1: If we empower a whole phase, right, and there's a
Speaker 1: pool of women who don't want to be monogamous and
Speaker 1: they want to have fun. There's a pool of men
Speaker 1: who don't want to be monogamous, don't want to have fun,
Speaker 1: and they're being safe collectively and having fun collectively, and
Speaker 1: they're being transparent. No feelings get hurt, you know I'm saying, people,
Speaker 1: and I mean this is a utopia. Of course, feelings
Speaker 1: always get hurt because someone may not want someone to
Speaker 1: be with someone. But you know what I'm saying. But
Speaker 1: if you have then the pool of people who had
Speaker 1: the choice to be there and not be judged, but
Speaker 1: chose to be in a marriage and not have to
Speaker 1: feel like I have to live a secret life because
Speaker 1: I gotta be elimination. If we were living in this utopia,
Speaker 1: the elimination of the side chick and the side dude,
Speaker 1: I honestly feel like it would be eliminated because you
Speaker 1: wouldn't need us if you don't want to get married, right,
Speaker 1: and you won't get judged for not getting married, whether
Speaker 1: you're a woman or a man, and you can live
Speaker 1: your life in a polyamorous or a polygamist uh situation.
Speaker 1: There's no need to lie and have a side check
Speaker 1: or aside do I can live there and not be
Speaker 1: judged if there is. If there's a woman, for example,
Speaker 1: can I'm gonna use women as an example, a lot
Speaker 1: of women. There are some women who have higher sex
Speaker 1: drives than men, right, but because of the patriarchy, those
Speaker 1: women are considered sexual deviance, and you know they are.
Speaker 1: They hold they have a high sex drive, something's wrong
Speaker 1: with them. Those women feel shamed because no one man
Speaker 1: can please them sexually, right, So they feel shamed. So
Speaker 1: you know what happens, They get with a guy. They
Speaker 1: try to find a guy that can please them, and
Speaker 1: when that guy can't reach that level, then they feel like,
Speaker 1: then I gotta go find something else, because once again
Speaker 1: you're trying to protect is he his ego? You don't
Speaker 1: want to tell him that he's not pleasing you in
Speaker 1: every way possible, so you're like, I'm gonna protect his ego,
Speaker 1: but I'm still gonna go get what I want out
Speaker 1: of my life. And then she cheats, and she's a
Speaker 1: cheater because she she does not have the agency to
Speaker 1: feel comfortable saying I want to be with multiple guys
Speaker 1: or I don't want to be in him an argumist relationship,
Speaker 1: because the minute a woman says that she's labeled a
Speaker 1: whole and her value has decreased, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And I think that it's unfair and it's it's it's
Speaker 1: showing the flaws in humanity by saying that everyone has
Speaker 1: to live under this type of lifestyle in order to
Speaker 1: be considered okay or successful. And I think that it's
Speaker 1: it's failed us because the divorce rate is I don't
Speaker 1: think anything pursuing, nothing really super positive has come from
Speaker 1: this patriarchal way of existing. No, the same way. Nothing,
Speaker 1: nothing positive has come out of racism, you know. But
Speaker 1: but just like anything else, it's been in play for
Speaker 1: thousands of years. So we're trying to untangle ourselves from
Speaker 1: something that's embedded in our way of thinking, in our
Speaker 1: way of life, and it's going to take some time
Speaker 1: to get out of it. But having conversations. Was just
Speaker 1: about to say, I love that we can even have
Speaker 1: a conversation like this, you know, which is so funny
Speaker 1: because I'm thinking about different clips from this conversation. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, oh lord, if somebody hears this one little clip,
Speaker 1: let's hope that people live the type of people that
Speaker 1: I don't even care. Here's like, listen to the whole episode.
Speaker 1: That'll get the contact. People ask all the time, how
Speaker 1: do y'all make it? We've been having these conversations were
Speaker 1: years old, since we've been taking rides in my raft
Speaker 1: for do you know from half Strits and Virginia Beach on,
Speaker 1: you know, because we were vacations and whatnot, but were thing.
Speaker 1: But yeah, we were talking about a lot of having
Speaker 1: the same conversation about you. I wanted you to I
Speaker 1: was like, go out and exploring, you said no, and
Speaker 1: I was learning about you, then you were learning about me.
Speaker 1: But we've been having these conversations for a long time,
Speaker 1: and I think that's part of the reason why we've
Speaker 1: had longevity is because I'm constantly trying to understand not
Speaker 1: only your mindset, but how you got to this point.
Speaker 1: You know, it's not for me. It's not only important
Speaker 1: to understand you know what you're thinking. I gotta understand
Speaker 1: why you're thinking that as my wife. Why does my
Speaker 1: wife think? Like why did my wife think at that
Speaker 1: point that it is okay to tell me to go
Speaker 1: out and date other people? But she didn't want to
Speaker 1: say she wanted to date other people? And then when
Speaker 1: you hear that, it's like, oh wow, she didn't think
Speaker 1: that I would accept her if she dated other people,
Speaker 1: but she was willing to let me date other people.
Speaker 1: Shows how constraining and stifling that can be for a woman.
Speaker 1: And why And it makes me understand, now, why is
Speaker 1: my wife When we have conversations and I say, and
Speaker 1: you tell to me like I forbid you from doing this,
Speaker 1: And I'd be like, how are you gonna forbid me?
Speaker 1: And you look me in my eye and be like
Speaker 1: you're not doing that, And I'm like, how does she
Speaker 1: feel that she can do that? But I'm realizing you've
Speaker 1: lived that way women being told you cannot or should
Speaker 1: not do that. I get it. You don't like, seriously,
Speaker 1: don't do that no more. And I think that's what
Speaker 1: makes makes us lasting work. Like I honestly feel like
Speaker 1: you are here because you want to be here. You
Speaker 1: know that I'm here because I'm gonna be here, And
Speaker 1: that's that's what makes it great. That's why I wake
Speaker 1: up every morning. I can smile, I can rub on
Speaker 1: your but I can kiss you, I can do and
Speaker 1: say the things that I feel because you're choosing to
Speaker 1: be here. You know, I don't. I don't walk on
Speaker 1: eggshells thinking at any moment, Cadine's gonna bounce, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So um to close this out, this
Speaker 1: is one question that I missed. I think it's kind
Speaker 1: of interesting. What is it I'm asking you this because
Speaker 1: you're a man um and what do you think satisfies
Speaker 1: What is it satisfy for men in power to make
Speaker 1: choices about women's body, Like, what what is it about
Speaker 1: men trying to make these decisions? Whether it's you know
Speaker 1: these political leaders saying, you know, abortion is a thing
Speaker 1: or not, Like, what is it? What does it give
Speaker 1: y'all as men? What kind of satisfaction does it give
Speaker 1: you as men to say I have this control over
Speaker 1: a woman or her body. So so I think that's
Speaker 1: a lotted question. Um, I don't think that men get
Speaker 1: satisfaction from just making that decision. What I think happens
Speaker 1: is men are conditioned the same way women are conditioned
Speaker 1: to think, think a certain way, right, And as a
Speaker 1: young man, you're told, you know, be a leader, you
Speaker 1: want to be a leader. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Women are emotional, They can't think for themselves. You have
Speaker 1: to think for them. You have to make this decision.
Speaker 1: That's your woman. So when you're conditioned to think that
Speaker 1: way as an adult, you feel like that's you. You
Speaker 1: take that as truth, you know what I'm saying. You
Speaker 1: take that as truth, and you're like, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: protecting her from herself, and that's my duty and my
Speaker 1: obligation as a man to protect her. And you don't
Speaker 1: realize until you become more aware and you start to
Speaker 1: speak to women and understand their perspectives, do you realize
Speaker 1: that everything you've been taught about being a man is
Speaker 1: not the truth. Like it's not it's not absolute truth.
Speaker 1: It's like the savior mentality that men have with women historically,
Speaker 1: that it's just like, you know, she can't do for herself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: gonna have to save her from herself and her emotional
Speaker 1: as self. Yeah, it's just like yeah, yeah, it's just
Speaker 1: it's just men and women think differently because we're conditioned differently.
Speaker 1: So the same way women feel like men are stupid, right, Like,
Speaker 1: think about it, we feel like women are emotional and
Speaker 1: we see your emotional creatures and you can't make decisions.
Speaker 1: That's complex. I'm not talking about what you think. If
Speaker 1: you speak to women, women say men are dumb. We're dumb.
Speaker 1: We don't we only think what our little head, not
Speaker 1: our big hand up top. That's all women say all
Speaker 1: the time because they're conditioned to believe that. And even
Speaker 1: in mainstream media, you know, even if you watch shows
Speaker 1: about families, there's always the dumb dad, you know, it's
Speaker 1: always the dumb dad. And the person who saves the
Speaker 1: day typically is the mom. The mom secretly because she
Speaker 1: can't she can't save the day in front of the dad.
Speaker 1: She has to make the dad feel like he's the hero,
Speaker 1: but she's the brains behind the operations. It's constantly perpetuating
Speaker 1: that idea, you know, when when realistically all it is
Speaker 1: is that we think the fly because we've been conditioned differently.
Speaker 1: And if we stop conditionally conditioning our young boys and
Speaker 1: our young girls differently and condition them to the same
Speaker 1: way of life, they'll have similar thoughts and be able
Speaker 1: to decide what they want to do. Reciprocating that level
Speaker 1: of respect in that stance will then made for a
Speaker 1: lot of healthier relationships in the long run. Absolutely, you know,
Speaker 1: because it kind of worked for us. Like I allow,
Speaker 1: I allow you, and I enjoy that you are the
Speaker 1: leader and the husband and you are like the head
Speaker 1: of the household and all that stuff too. But that's
Speaker 1: not to a deficit with me also being a value
Speaker 1: to you and the fast you know. Um, So that's
Speaker 1: that's that's that's interesting all for the whole face. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I really am, like I implore, um, any dude who's
Speaker 1: dating a young lady who she feels like she's unsure,
Speaker 1: empower her to make the choices for herself. And if
Speaker 1: that's the woman you love, depending on where you you know,
Speaker 1: where you are in your life. You're either going to
Speaker 1: have to meet her and what she wants and needs
Speaker 1: or allow her to go find what moment of truth
Speaker 1: before we got to the moment the moment speaking. You know,
Speaker 1: we should totally bring Jasmine Sulevan in to talk about hotels. Jasmine,
Speaker 1: you listen, you have to, you have to. I want
Speaker 1: to hear a woman. She's coming because her latest album Hotels,
Speaker 1: and then of course for karaoke, I horribly sang it's awful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I mean it was. It's it's interesting that that
Speaker 1: I think her her music definitely puts out conversation pieces
Speaker 1: that we should be talking about. Um, so somebody hit
Speaker 1: the Jasmine's people, tell her people to call my people.
Speaker 1: We could be people. All right, let's take a quick break, y'all.
Speaker 1: We're gonna get into listener letters. After we get into
Speaker 1: some ass, we're back with listening letters. You want to
Speaker 1: go the first? You want to go first? Okaya? Hi,
Speaker 1: my name is Mar. What's up? Mar? And not from Arkansas?
Speaker 1: You gave us a name and the location. Not everybody
Speaker 1: know who you are. Uh, we have more than grass fields,
Speaker 1: I promise. How guys. I'm currently will be twenty two
Speaker 1: in December. Sagittarius Gang, Gang Gang. I am a senior
Speaker 1: in college and I'm graduating in December with a public
Speaker 1: administration bachelor's degree. I'm twenty one said that twice, and
Speaker 1: I have never been in a relationship, never really came
Speaker 1: close to one, and I'm really confused about why. My
Speaker 1: friends tell me I am extremely mature for my age
Speaker 1: and that's why. And I used to believe that, but
Speaker 1: as I get older, I'm starting to think it's me.
Speaker 1: I'm not pretty enough. Does my personality suck? Do I
Speaker 1: just not have a girlfriend glow about me? I think
Speaker 1: of myself as very smart, caring, and compassionate. I think
Speaker 1: having fun and um, I like having fun, and I'm
Speaker 1: very independent. I don't want a boyfriend or anything but
Speaker 1: a partner in crime and someone to do life with.
Speaker 1: With situation quickly approaching, I'm wondering if there is any
Speaker 1: point in continuing to try and put myself out there,
Speaker 1: because what do you do when you feel unwanted and undesirable?
Speaker 1: Help a girl out? What can I do? I love you, guys,
Speaker 1: content and your beautiful family. Thank you, marm one, just
Speaker 1: the first thing she said, don't get caught up in
Speaker 1: society standards of what beauty is again, because when she
Speaker 1: said not pretty enough because my personality. Yeah, well people
Speaker 1: people find all sorts of other people beautiful and amazing.
Speaker 1: So there is no one standard for beauty that you
Speaker 1: have to fit in order to be desirable by someone else.
Speaker 1: So the first thing I would say is the simple
Speaker 1: fact that you seem unsure about yourself that can be undesirable.
Speaker 1: You know. Confidence is that I think the biggest component
Speaker 1: of beauty in both men and women. Someone walks inconfident,
Speaker 1: then you know, you know, there may be somebody that
Speaker 1: in my and may not be the most attractive, you know,
Speaker 1: for for my style or taste, but might be out
Speaker 1: there with somebody. You know. It's funny. My mom has
Speaker 1: this Jamaicans saying, and it's a thing where how does
Speaker 1: it oh, every whole the whole, It is funny we're
Speaker 1: talking about now, but not the whole as in like
Speaker 1: a whole as in the garden, to every every whole,
Speaker 1: have it have it stick a bush, meaning like there's
Speaker 1: a match for everybody in this world? Pretty much? So yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree in that though, like confident, whatever you're exuding
Speaker 1: um usually sometimes is a bigger indicator than your personality,
Speaker 1: than your looks, than what you do. Then how much
Speaker 1: money you earn that can be a huge deciding factor.
Speaker 1: I have an interesting story to tell one of my boys.
Speaker 1: I'm not going out in me and I'm not going
Speaker 1: out his wife. Because one of my boys from college, right,
Speaker 1: he had a certain thing that that was his thing
Speaker 1: type of woman, right, certain type of look that the
Speaker 1: I'm married this this isn't right, meets this girl right,
Speaker 1: walks in with withridiculous confidence, right, and he's just like,
Speaker 1: bro something about her, And I'm like what he's like, No, Like,
Speaker 1: look at how she walked. And when she talks to me,
Speaker 1: she stares me into my soul. She's like staring into
Speaker 1: my soul. And I'm just like, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: He's just and ain' him getting married, have kids, right,
Speaker 1: and he is infatuated and doesn't fit her, like she
Speaker 1: doesn't fit the mold at all into what he thought
Speaker 1: he wanted in a wife. But it's and it was
Speaker 1: something about it. And when I first saw her, I
Speaker 1: did say to him, I said, she got crazy sex appeal,
Speaker 1: Like you know some women are taught to be small,
Speaker 1: you know some Some women are taught to be small
Speaker 1: to make men feel to make themselves. This woman is
Speaker 1: told she always has her shoulders back, chin up, and
Speaker 1: when she speaks to guys, she's, oh, she's she's I
Speaker 1: think she's five eight, so she's almost eye level with
Speaker 1: most guys. And she does stare into your soul. But
Speaker 1: there is something sexy about it. She does isn't dressed
Speaker 1: scantily clad or wear tight clothes, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But there's something sexy about her in the way she
Speaker 1: moves that is just like, yo, did she just mad sexy?
Speaker 1: And the reason when what we deduced it to all
Speaker 1: of us in our group chat was like she has
Speaker 1: a confidence that certain certain people know like like they had,
Speaker 1: they know who they are. When you meet a woman
Speaker 1: who knows who she is, it don't matter what she
Speaker 1: looked like, You like, I gotta I gotta have her.
Speaker 1: And I feel like women need to hear that more.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean the same
Speaker 1: could be said for men, because there's on the on
Speaker 1: the flip side of that, there's somebody else that we
Speaker 1: know within our circle of people, and Homie be walking
Speaker 1: in here pulling pulling women okay, and I'm like, how
Speaker 1: how is he doing it? And then it almost makes
Speaker 1: you question the women that he's bringing in, like why
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And it may be in
Speaker 1: part because we know a little bit more about him
Speaker 1: in the context of it, but just on on this
Speaker 1: an aesthetic level, it's kind of just like this confidence
Speaker 1: on a thousand, and that's that's what it is a
Speaker 1: thousand because it makes women be like, what is it
Speaker 1: about him that he walks around with that? Right? And
Speaker 1: and it's still that don't take away from me being
Speaker 1: like what I mean, but off the that if you're
Speaker 1: approaching somebody with that level of confidence and you're just like, yo,
Speaker 1: this is what I have to offer. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: what it is yet, but this confidence you're gonna You're
Speaker 1: gonna You're gonna have this confidence. He's gonna get it.
Speaker 1: Here's the advice for Mar because what you just said
Speaker 1: and what I just said, Mar, you need to learn
Speaker 1: who you are, Embrace who you are, be confident about
Speaker 1: who you are, and when you walk into that room,
Speaker 1: let everybody know that Mars there. That doesn't mean you're loud.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean you have to be boisterous, are arrogant.
Speaker 1: But when you have that confidence, it's attractive to people.
Speaker 1: Because one thing, I will say, this unattractive, no matter
Speaker 1: what the girl looks like, right, slout, shoulders, no eye contact,
Speaker 1: that is unattractive. You know, it doesn't walk tall like.
Speaker 1: That's completely awkwardness. That awkward like, you know, and even
Speaker 1: those people find someone else who's awkward and they can
Speaker 1: fall in love. But when you have confidence in who
Speaker 1: you are. When I stepped to the valve, did they
Speaker 1: ask step to him? Baby boy, couldn't say. No, this
Speaker 1: wasn't just what it is. It was my confidence. No,
Speaker 1: you don't think it's my confidence. When I shot my shot,
Speaker 1: it was your booty, buckets, it was a booty. You
Speaker 1: should have walked, You should have walked backwards. Granted I
Speaker 1: was literally like forty pounds lighter than but so if
Speaker 1: we're gonna be honest, we're gonna bet. When I met Codeine,
Speaker 1: she didn't have on the scantill clad dress. She had
Speaker 1: on a pink flow. No, you don't know a paint
Speaker 1: pink flow we dressed. I can't see her figure at all.
Speaker 1: I didn't know she was holding that under there. But
Speaker 1: what it intrigued me was you. You were gorgeous. You
Speaker 1: had like a beautiful smile, and you came up and
Speaker 1: you said Brian and devour Ellis. And that confidence to
Speaker 1: come say my name and come talk to me did
Speaker 1: intrigue me, like yo was one like she you know,
Speaker 1: so it really it really wasn't. I was like, man, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna shoot my shot today. If it's one thing
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take away from this, Yeah, it wasn't your body,
Speaker 1: it was. It was it was their confidence and you
Speaker 1: you looked me in my eye, you smiled and you
Speaker 1: were It was like mesmerizing because I mean, it does
Speaker 1: help you. And that's when we knew we hit it off.
Speaker 1: That was it. That was it. It was a rap.
Speaker 1: More good luck, baby girl. You're twenty one and you're
Speaker 1: still growing into yourself too as well. So you and
Speaker 1: you were sagittarious and that's just what we do, baby girl,
Speaker 1: get it together. Okay. Once she started clapping, she feels
Speaker 1: like all of that. All right, Hey guys, so I'm
Speaker 1: in need of some dead ass advice. By the way,
Speaker 1: you two are just the cutest and very much admirable
Speaker 1: exist conein. Please be all up in my business acting
Speaker 1: like I'm trying to be in business anyway. Um okay,
Speaker 1: So here's the rundown. I'm a twenty nine year old
Speaker 1: female cancer cancers. My sister is a cancer emo um.
Speaker 1: About fifteen years ago, I gave my first love, who's
Speaker 1: a Sagittarius, my virginity, and we've always stayed in contact,
Speaker 1: and if we wasn't talking, he was always checking on me.
Speaker 1: He's a great man and a father to his daughter.
Speaker 1: I love him, and he has all great qualities for
Speaker 1: the man I want to settle down with. I'm a
Speaker 1: single mother and he's always made it clear that he
Speaker 1: wants to settle down with me and to make me
Speaker 1: his wife. But the only capital only thing is that
Speaker 1: he isn't attractive to me physically. He doesn't meet my standards.
Speaker 1: I very much have a type quote unquote, as my
Speaker 1: friends would say. I always tell myself that I would
Speaker 1: marry him only if I don't find anyone by the
Speaker 1: age of thirty five who meets my standards in that area,
Speaker 1: plus everything and more of what he offers and brings
Speaker 1: to the table whoa so basically a plan B, but
Speaker 1: I will not have children with him, even though we
Speaker 1: both want more children. Yo, this person yo, Okay, what
Speaker 1: am I to do? I need help? My friends tell
Speaker 1: me I'm selfish and I need to let him go.
Speaker 1: Your friends, yes, what if he's my person and I'm
Speaker 1: just being shallow? I don't know. Please help me, girl. Well,
Speaker 1: he goes back to de Vo talking about his friend
Speaker 1: with confidence. Right, has a friend with confidence? Yes? And
Speaker 1: having that friend with confidence then ended up Matt online.
Speaker 1: Not the friend of confidence. You had the friend who
Speaker 1: had the confidence life, who at the time may not
Speaker 1: have fit his puzzles description what he typically would look for,
Speaker 1: but she had all the things right. She had pretty
Speaker 1: much everything else. Um So, girl, I think you're being selfish.
Speaker 1: I agree with your friends because you're kind of leading
Speaker 1: this guy on not knowing or knowing that you honestly
Speaker 1: don't you're not attracted to him, which is funny because
Speaker 1: I do have somebody that I know that has said
Speaker 1: that she wants like an ugly person because she feels
Speaker 1: like if she has an ugly person that treats her right,
Speaker 1: don't worry about anybody else wanted him, because that's not
Speaker 1: But that's not true. He may be, he may be
Speaker 1: ugly to her. Somebody else gonna find that man attractively.
Speaker 1: Stick up, this is my thing, right, she's being selfish
Speaker 1: holding on his shringing this man alone, But she's not
Speaker 1: being selfish by saying what she wants. I mean, that's
Speaker 1: the agree. So ultimately, ultimately she has to ship. I'll
Speaker 1: get off the pot. Either you're gonna say to this man,
Speaker 1: you know what, let's you know, let's do this together.
Speaker 1: Has work this out, or I'm trying to be nice. Yo.
Speaker 1: She not attracted to him, bro, that's gonna be an
Speaker 1: issue for them, a major issue. You're not attracted to him, bro,
Speaker 1: that's not shallow. Everyone wants to be attracted to somebody
Speaker 1: right now. Meeting someone who you didn't think you would
Speaker 1: be attracted to and becoming attracted to them is different
Speaker 1: than know whing you're not attracted to someone and then
Speaker 1: marrying them because they have all the other qualities, Because
Speaker 1: then that's going to be issues, especially in the bedroom,
Speaker 1: because then she's gonna be like and then she says,
Speaker 1: we're not gonna have no more kids. I don't think
Speaker 1: he's attractive because she don't want to have kids, that
Speaker 1: look like him. Move on, Move on, sis, sis, move on,
Speaker 1: move on, move on, move on. She's having no kids
Speaker 1: with him because of how he looks. She's worried about
Speaker 1: his features and children. Move on, and I'm sorry girl,
Speaker 1: move on. Period. That was easy. So if you like
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listening to letters,
Speaker 1: email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d A D A S S A d V
Speaker 1: I C at Gmail. That girl wanted me on her
Speaker 1: business and she gave me all the tea. I'm still
Speaker 1: this is interesting, all right? Well, moment of truth time,
Speaker 1: moment of truth. I forgot what we were talking about.
Speaker 1: What we're talking about, whole face. This is my moment
Speaker 1: of truth about whole phase. The first moment of truth is,
Speaker 1: let's stop calling it the whole face, all right? A
Speaker 1: woman having a woman having an agency and autonomy over
Speaker 1: her life in any aspect should not have a negative connotation, period.
Speaker 1: That is it. And the second aspect to my moment
Speaker 1: of truth is this, we would all exist in better
Speaker 1: relationships if we allowed people to have agency over their
Speaker 1: lives without judgment, because once that person makes a choice
Speaker 1: to be with someone else, simply because they want to,
Speaker 1: not because they're obligated by society or the other person.
Speaker 1: The love and that relationship will be a lot greater,
Speaker 1: the intimacy in that relationship will be a lot greater.
Speaker 1: The chemistry wi a lot of be a lot greater
Speaker 1: than the longevity and the respect will last. And that's
Speaker 1: how you get happy relationships. So that's my moment of good. Well,
Speaker 1: you kind of stole a little bit of mine, which
Speaker 1: I'm meant to say, let's stop holding it the whole
Speaker 1: phase because of the negative connotation. But if you must
Speaker 1: hope whole silently, there is no reason that you have
Speaker 1: to hold and let everybody know you see barsya already
Speaker 1: know how to stay with my bars. You don't got
Speaker 1: a hole And anybody know I like dead Ass, so
Speaker 1: be sure to find us on social media. Dead asked
Speaker 1: the podcast. You can find me at cadeine I am
Speaker 1: the Poet, and and that's at I Am Devout. And
Speaker 1: if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe. When I starts the clapping, make sure
Speaker 1: you do that. I love when you make a clap.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass about to go into another whole phase because
Speaker 1: your wife whole phase. Dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast network and is produced by the
Speaker 1: Noorapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at
Speaker 1: dead as to podcasts and Never miss a Thing.