1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:08,800 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the 2 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 1: podcast where we talk through some of the big life 3 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:14,640 Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: for our psychology. Hello everyone, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. As always, it is so 6 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,960 Speaker 1: great to have you here for another week, another episode, 7 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: another really really interesting topic that we're covering on the 8 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:39,720 Speaker 1: podcast today. So yeah, welcome, Welcome, new listeners, welcome old. 9 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 1: Before we get into it, I just want to say 10 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:46,559 Speaker 1: a really big thank you. I'm feeling so grateful and 11 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,480 Speaker 1: so warm and fuzzy recently that we have so many 12 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 1: new listeners and so many of you have reached out 13 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: to me recently to say that you've really been enjoying 14 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: the content of the show, and I just cannot even 15 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 1: express to you how joyful and happy and grateful that 16 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,959 Speaker 1: makes me. Every message, every like, every comment, every subscriber, 17 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: It's just crazy to me how much this has kind 18 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: of grown in the last year, in the last few months. 19 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,240 Speaker 1: So if you are a new listener, welcome, I hope 20 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:19,040 Speaker 1: you stick around. If you're an old supporter, thank you 21 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 1: for following the journey of this podcast. It just is 22 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,679 Speaker 1: in incredible to me that there are so many people 23 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: who are interested in these things and want to listen 24 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 1: to some of these explanations and some of the research 25 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,680 Speaker 1: that I find on these topics. So a bit of 26 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,800 Speaker 1: a sappy moment, but yeah, I just wanted to say 27 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,319 Speaker 1: welcome to our new listeners and thank you for joining 28 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,720 Speaker 1: us again. This week. We have a really interesting topic. 29 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I say that every single time, so 30 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,280 Speaker 1: if you are a frequent listener, I feel like I 31 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: am just I don't know, on repeat. I say that 32 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: every week, but they're all so interesting. But this one 33 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: in particular was suggested to me on an Instagram poll 34 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 1: that I put out. I do them every now and again, 35 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 1: just trying to see engage what people want to hear, 36 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 1: and this was by far the most suggested topic, which 37 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: I think is really important to call out before we 38 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 1: get into it, and I'll discuss why later on. But 39 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 1: making French friends in your twenties, that's what we're talking 40 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 1: about today, that's we're talking about this week. It is 41 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,920 Speaker 1: such a nuanced topic, something that I think we all 42 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,600 Speaker 1: probably need to hear, and all probably need some sympathy 43 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 1: and some support around and an understanding that We're probably 44 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,760 Speaker 1: not alone. Just from the number of people who suggested this, 45 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,800 Speaker 1: I have a feeling that there are probably a lot 46 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 1: of you who are going through this experience of finding 47 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,639 Speaker 1: it really difficult to make new friends as we enter adulthood. 48 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 1: A lot of our friends, as you know, as we 49 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 1: grow up, as we enter this new chapter in our lives, 50 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:55,360 Speaker 1: sometimes fall off the bandwagon. We find ourselves perhaps you know, 51 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,200 Speaker 1: the most alone we've ever felt in our lives when 52 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: we don't have the support of our family immediately around us, 53 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: we don't have the structures of high school or primary 54 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: school or some of those kind of organized activities and 55 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,880 Speaker 1: daily structures of our lives. So it's a really important 56 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,799 Speaker 1: thing to talk about. I think it's pretty universally accepted 57 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,960 Speaker 1: that as we get older, it's a lot harder to 58 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 1: make friends, and there is a lot of support for 59 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 1: this difficulty, this difficulty of making friends and adulthood, and 60 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,079 Speaker 1: I think it's recently been made a lot worse by 61 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: this pandemic that we've all gone through. If you started 62 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: twenty twenty with a lot of friends and now you're 63 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: kind of surveying the friendship landscape and feeling a little 64 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,080 Speaker 1: bit lost, I just want to express that you are 65 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: not alone. This has been a really common feeling throughout 66 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 1: this period, throughout this weird three years or two years 67 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 1: even that we've gone through since the start of COVID. 68 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 1: And although COVID is obviously still a problem, we have 69 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,440 Speaker 1: come out just in the last i don't know, seven 70 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 1: eight months out of an incredibly strange period of isolation 71 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,880 Speaker 1: and lockdowns. And although many of us are no longer 72 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 1: experiencing that kind of physical separation and we're no longer 73 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 1: living through lockdowns, COVID has become kind of normalized. The 74 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: impact of that experience is really long lasting and likely 75 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: still having residual impacts on our ability to socialize, on 76 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:32,160 Speaker 1: our lives, our ability to meet new people, and recover 77 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: from what was a period of really intense isolation and 78 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 1: physical separation from others. And I really want to stress 79 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: and I will do this again and again throughout this episode, 80 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:47,279 Speaker 1: want to universal experience. This is for people in their twenties, 81 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,800 Speaker 1: feeling like you don't have the same friendships that you 82 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 1: had maybe three, four, five years ago, feeling really lonely, 83 00:04:55,640 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: feeling really isolated. I've spoken about this with friends a 84 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,400 Speaker 1: lot as well, and I think a lot of them 85 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 1: all say the same thing. And I think part of 86 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 1: the problem with feeling so isolated and lonely in our 87 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,920 Speaker 1: twenties and struggling to make new friends is that we 88 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,239 Speaker 1: are faced with a whole spectrum and off so many 89 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 1: points and opportunities for comparison, especially through social media. I 90 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,840 Speaker 1: know it's been said so many times, but the lives 91 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,680 Speaker 1: of others that we see on social media is not 92 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,640 Speaker 1: the truth. But so often we see influences or even 93 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 1: people we know posting these highlight reels where they're surrounded 94 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: by people, they're surrounded by friends. We might be sitting 95 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: alone on our phones, scrolling mindlessly, kind of thinking to ourselves, 96 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: why isn't that me? Why isn't that the case for me? 97 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:48,040 Speaker 1: What am I doing wrong? And I guess part of 98 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,920 Speaker 1: the point of this podcast is to say that you're 99 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 1: not doing anything wrong. And this is such a universal experience. 100 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: So if you're going through this, I promise you there 101 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 1: are so many people out there who are feeling the same. 102 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 1: If that makes you feel better. Obviously, the unique experiences 103 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 1: and the feelings associated with that are in themselves very valid, 104 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: even if we feel very alone in that feeling but 105 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 1: I know for me personally, I really struggled with this. 106 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 1: At the start of the year, I really struggled to 107 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: make new friends. I think I've mentioned this before, but 108 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: I moved to a new city. I'd spent the first, 109 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 1: like the first five years of my adult life in 110 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 1: like a college town, and I started UNI in this 111 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 1: big kind of college community, and it was so easy 112 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 1: to make friends, it was so convenient. And then suddenly 113 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,920 Speaker 1: I was this little fish in this huge pond trying 114 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: to rebuild a community and rebuild a network, and oh 115 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: my goodness, it was really hard. And it's still is 116 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 1: really hard. I still feel like I'm building that community. 117 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,479 Speaker 1: And I remember my dad shout out to you. Dad. 118 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: He's a big fan of the podcast, so if you're listening, 119 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 1: but hello. But he sent me this article and it 120 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: was kind of funny at the time, but about how 121 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 1: hard it is to make new friends in your twenties, 122 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: especially in cities like Sydney or in big metropolitan areas 123 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: where it just feels like everyone else has already got 124 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: their group, everyone else already knows what's going on, they 125 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: know the lay of the land, And especially for me 126 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: at that time, I had no idea what I was doing. 127 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 1: I felt so isolated and so lonely. And in that 128 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: time and since then, I've thought a lot about the 129 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: universality of this struggle and have really tried to identify 130 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 1: in my own mind and through my own kind of contemplation, 131 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: what it is about this decade that leads to such 132 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: sizeable and significant and noticeable shifts and changes in our 133 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: friendship dynamics, and not so much the quality but the 134 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: quantity of friends we seem to have. Why is it 135 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: so difficult to meet people we really relate to? Kind 136 00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 1: of the conclusion that I've come to is that as 137 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 1: we enter adulthood, there are some pretty large shifts and 138 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 1: pretty large lifestyle changes that we all seem to experience. 139 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 1: I think that it's pretty normal for, you know, if 140 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,239 Speaker 1: you went to UNI or even in high school, for 141 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: our friendships to be very convenient and something that is 142 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,320 Speaker 1: very easy to fall into. You know, we see the 143 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: same people every single day. If you went to school, 144 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,080 Speaker 1: if you went to UNI, if you did a trade 145 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: or an apprenticeship or a diploma, there are the same 146 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 1: people day in and day out, and it's really easy 147 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,920 Speaker 1: to make connections with them. You probably have a very 148 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 1: similar background. You're having these similar experiences, there's often a 149 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,080 Speaker 1: large number of people. You have your pick of the bunch. 150 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: I found. I don't know if if you've had an 151 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: experience of living, you know, in a large dormitory or 152 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,960 Speaker 1: a college, but it is like almost just like social steroids. 153 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,720 Speaker 1: It's just like socializing on steroids. It's completely unnatural to 154 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 1: have to be surrounded by that many people, and it's 155 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,839 Speaker 1: almost like it's just social overload. And if that's your 156 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 1: first experience, straight out of living from home, or straight 157 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 1: out of high school, or kind of straight out of 158 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:21,960 Speaker 1: your teenage years, to be surrounded by all these people, 159 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: it's a bit of a rude awakening. When things start 160 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: to change. And I guess as we get older, the 161 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 1: places that we grew up or the places we went 162 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: to for UNI no longer fit the identities that we 163 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,719 Speaker 1: had when we first moved there or when we were 164 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,880 Speaker 1: growing up there. People start to move. That was a 165 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,880 Speaker 1: huge thing that I noticed and a big reason why 166 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 1: I think we see this decline in the quantity of 167 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: friends that we have in this decade. I personally moved 168 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: and I, you know, there were so many other people 169 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,840 Speaker 1: at the same time as me who got up and 170 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 1: left to all different parts of the country, all different 171 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,440 Speaker 1: parts of the world, and it becomes a lot harder 172 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: to keep up those connections that we had before then. 173 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,679 Speaker 1: But it also means that there are a lot of 174 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,840 Speaker 1: people kind in these little satellite camps all over the 175 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 1: world who are probably in the same boat as you, 176 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, who are starting you, who 177 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 1: are trying to re establish a network for themselves. With 178 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 1: that kind of I don't know, exodus from our hometowns 179 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,719 Speaker 1: and our college towns, the dynamic of our pre existing 180 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 1: friendship just innately changes. You no longer see these people 181 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 1: every day, and with that convenient element that I discussed 182 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 1: is kind of removed, it becomes a lot more difficult 183 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: to keep everyone updated than to have those bonding shared 184 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 1: experiences that are really the bedrock and the foundation of friendship. 185 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,679 Speaker 1: Other things happen as well. People get into relationships. As 186 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 1: we enter our early and mid twenties, it becomes a 187 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,840 Speaker 1: lot more normal for people to meet their partners, to 188 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: become partnered up and spend more time with them, and 189 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: also spend more time at work. And I don't know, 190 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:04,280 Speaker 1: maybe you're lucky enough to be in a work environment 191 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,480 Speaker 1: where you're working with your close friends. I'm jealous of 192 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:10,079 Speaker 1: you if that's the case, But it's often the case 193 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 1: that you've maybe you've got this group of friends and 194 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 1: everyone works different places, everyone moves, and you no longer 195 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,440 Speaker 1: have those shared experiences that are really fundamental to deep 196 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:23,640 Speaker 1: lasting friendships. And with that shift from you either studying 197 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,960 Speaker 1: or being young and having fun and moving into full 198 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: time work, there's that element of exhaustion and work schedules 199 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,520 Speaker 1: to kind of navigate, and a robust kind of large 200 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,480 Speaker 1: social life and social circles that takes a lot of energy, 201 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,200 Speaker 1: and that's not something we all have kind of room 202 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: to spare at this age. Another thing that I saw 203 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: that I thought was really interesting was you become more picky, 204 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: especially when your time is already limited, which is why 205 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,560 Speaker 1: you might see people starting to drop off. It goes 206 00:11:53,880 --> 00:12:00,439 Speaker 1: without saying I think hopefully that people change. We are 207 00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:05,600 Speaker 1: not going to stay the same people we were sixteen 208 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 1: seventeen eighteen for our entire lives. Our brains aren't even 209 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:15,079 Speaker 1: like even close to being fully developed at that stage, 210 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,960 Speaker 1: and the people we are then it's probably not the 211 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: people we are now. And I think This also relates 212 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:25,199 Speaker 1: to my point before about people moving on and getting 213 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,959 Speaker 1: into relationships, but our context, our lives change, and more innately, 214 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,880 Speaker 1: this decade is incredibly formative in determining who we are, 215 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 1: what our values are, what we love doing, and sometimes 216 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 1: this doesn't always align with who we thought we were 217 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,320 Speaker 1: three to four years ago, or even three to four 218 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:47,120 Speaker 1: months before. Our friendships, like I said, they're founded on 219 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:51,440 Speaker 1: shared experiences, but they're also found on founded on I think, 220 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 1: shared values and shared hobbies and shared kind of activities 221 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 1: and enjoyment. So as we kind of start to develop 222 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,240 Speaker 1: and branch out even there and discover who we are 223 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,199 Speaker 1: in this decade, it really does make a lot of 224 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,679 Speaker 1: sense that the people you were friends with perhaps when 225 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: you first started union, when you first finished high school, 226 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: you probably aren't going to be feeling the same feelings 227 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:19,320 Speaker 1: towards them now. It's really okay to outgrow people, but 228 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,600 Speaker 1: what can come with that can be really intense feelings 229 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,360 Speaker 1: of isolation and loneliness, and of course the desire to 230 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 1: make new friends who you can relate to and share 231 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:34,600 Speaker 1: memories with. Here's where the psychology comes in. We are 232 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:43,920 Speaker 1: all innately intrinsically social creatures. Social interaction time and time again. 233 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: It's shown in so many studies, and a right amount 234 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: of proper amount of balanced amount of social interaction is 235 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,920 Speaker 1: as fundamental to our well being as things like a 236 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:59,079 Speaker 1: balanced diet or getting sleep or not you know, putting 237 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:03,199 Speaker 1: our bodies under us with alcohol or other substances. Getting 238 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,079 Speaker 1: in the right amount of social interaction, Feeling that your 239 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 1: social interactions are also fulfilling and meaningful. That is a 240 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 1: huge contributor to your health and to your lifestyle. So 241 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 1: if you are struggling to make friends at the moment, 242 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 1: or you're feeling like you're just not at a place 243 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,960 Speaker 1: in terms of your friendships that feels particularly healthy, you're 244 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: probably right. There was this really interesting experiment that they 245 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 1: did where they had these lab rats and these rats 246 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:37,160 Speaker 1: were given water and they were also given this kind 247 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 1: of pipette water bottle that was filled with heroin. Okay, 248 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 1: you're probably like, what the heck, where is this going, 249 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: But it was really interesting. What they found was that 250 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 1: when they had rats who were provided with other rats 251 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,720 Speaker 1: in their cage that had their little rat friends, and 252 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 1: they had room to socialize and they had the opportunity 253 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: to interact and keep themselves entertained with other members of 254 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,560 Speaker 1: their species. Those rats had absolutely no reason to touch 255 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 1: the heroine because they were receiving the dopamine that their 256 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: brain required to function, and they were feeling I guess 257 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:17,480 Speaker 1: happy or fulfilled enough that they didn't need that external stimulus. 258 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,680 Speaker 1: Their brains were healthier, they had more neurons. But the 259 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,840 Speaker 1: rats who were isolated and put in a cage themselves, 260 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,880 Speaker 1: they abused this drug until they basically diet. Their brains 261 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: had less neurons and they were just less developed. Their 262 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 1: brains were less developed, they slept less, but they would 263 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: lie around more. They weren't as active, And I think 264 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 1: this really shows although it's, you know, an animal study, 265 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 1: in this all these debates and psychology around whether animal 266 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:55,280 Speaker 1: studies are comparable or comparable to humans, I think it's 267 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 1: a really important and fundamental thing to share here. It's 268 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 1: completely okay if right now you're struggling with friendships and 269 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 1: you're feeling really really shit about it, and you're feeling 270 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: really almost probably depressed, or really anxious or really sad. 271 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: That experiment proves this. When we don't receive the dopamine 272 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,960 Speaker 1: and the stimulation that we need and we require from 273 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: our social interactions. The impact of that on our health 274 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 1: and even on our neurons is really profound and can 275 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: lead to some pretty long term impacts. And there was 276 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 1: this other study that I found so fascinating, and it 277 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 1: basically concluded that not having enough friends, not feeling like 278 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 1: your social network is expansive enough, feeling isolated, and feeling 279 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 1: lonely can cause the same neural response as being in 280 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: physical pain or experiencing extreme grief. So I really do 281 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,800 Speaker 1: sympathize with you if you're struggling to make lasting or 282 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,760 Speaker 1: good friendships in your twenties. I think this whole first 283 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,720 Speaker 1: part of the podcast is just to tell you you're 284 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,240 Speaker 1: not alone. There are so many people who are going 285 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: through this. It is a universal experience to notice really 286 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,719 Speaker 1: significant changes in the dynamics of our lives and of 287 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,440 Speaker 1: our friendship circles. But it's definitely something that psychology and 288 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 1: kind of a broader positivist philosophy to life, can you know? 289 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: It kind of tells us that it's something that we 290 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 1: can work on, and that our social interactions and our 291 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 1: social lives not only are they fundamental, but there's something 292 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:38,199 Speaker 1: that's within our control. Oh kay, I feel like that 293 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,840 Speaker 1: was a little bit of a pity party. I'm so 294 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,160 Speaker 1: sorry it's everyone I think I feel like. I feel 295 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,320 Speaker 1: like I've spent the first half of this episode kind 296 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 1: of sympathizing and trying to address the stigma and normalize 297 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:53,119 Speaker 1: struggling to make friends in adulthood. But that is not 298 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 1: necessarily the most practical or helpful thing to do. So 299 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,199 Speaker 1: what I want to do is spend this next section 300 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:04,679 Speaker 1: really in on tangible things that I think help us 301 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:09,399 Speaker 1: make friends in our twenties. From my experience moving to 302 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: a new city, you're trying to re establish community. The 303 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:19,399 Speaker 1: biggest thing I think is fear and insecurity. Of course, 304 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,720 Speaker 1: there are obviously physical factors, you know, if you're living 305 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 1: out in a rural community, it might just be there 306 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:28,200 Speaker 1: aren't many people around you. But often the journey to 307 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: making friends in our twenties is a psychological one. So 308 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 1: I thought I would kind of do my research and 309 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,440 Speaker 1: compile a bit of a list of tips. So if 310 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,439 Speaker 1: you are someone who's struggling right now, how can you 311 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: perhaps shift the dial and make some new friends in 312 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: your life. The first kind of tip or strategy that 313 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,359 Speaker 1: I think I really took to heart when I was 314 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 1: in a similar situation and really kind of going through 315 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,359 Speaker 1: it and feeling quite lonely. Was to be okay with 316 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 1: being alone. That is a very simple thing to say. 317 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:09,160 Speaker 1: I know, five, five very easy words to come out 318 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,840 Speaker 1: of my mouth, be okay with being alone. And I'm 319 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 1: hoping that no one is exiting right now, being like, oh, 320 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 1: this is stupid advice. But as simple and basic as 321 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: it may sound, as useless as it may sound, I 322 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,440 Speaker 1: think and this is just a personal opinion. Being alone 323 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:33,199 Speaker 1: and being secure in your loneliness is one of the 324 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,640 Speaker 1: most important lessons that you need to learn in your twenties. 325 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:40,360 Speaker 1: At the end of the day, you really only have yourself. 326 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,480 Speaker 1: Like you might have family, you might have friends, you 327 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,560 Speaker 1: might have a partner, you might have work colleagues. I 328 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,240 Speaker 1: don't know what's going on in your life, but I'm 329 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,200 Speaker 1: hoping that you have a support network. But at the 330 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 1: end of the day, you really are all by yourself, 331 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:58,960 Speaker 1: and your company is the most important company that you 332 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: can share, and how you feel about yourself, your opinion 333 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,879 Speaker 1: of yourself is the most important one you can have 334 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,359 Speaker 1: in your life. No matter how much you love others, 335 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:12,680 Speaker 1: how much you enjoy spending time with them, if you're 336 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:16,199 Speaker 1: not comfortable sitting in your own thoughts, being able to 337 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,120 Speaker 1: take yourself out for dinner, being able to do things 338 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:23,879 Speaker 1: by yourself. No relationship is ever going to fulfill you 339 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: friendship relationship otherwise because you cannot be surrounded by people 340 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,000 Speaker 1: at all times. And the more you try and distract 341 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:35,879 Speaker 1: yourself by making I think, very shallow friendships or going 342 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 1: out or being around people, the more I think you're 343 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 1: going to struggle to make authentic friendships, and the more 344 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,120 Speaker 1: that your kind of fear of loneliness is going to accumulate. 345 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:49,720 Speaker 1: So I'd say one of the biggest tips and biggest 346 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: things to work towards if you're struggling making friends is 347 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,160 Speaker 1: to maybe just prioritize being alone for a while and 348 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: see that as an opportunity rather than as a massive 349 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: downside or you know, as a massive boma. Like having 350 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:08,800 Speaker 1: an opportunity to be alone with yourself is so rare, 351 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,280 Speaker 1: you know, away from your phone, that is actually quite 352 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 1: a blessing in this day and age when we're constantly 353 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 1: connected in the world, as you know, over populating with people. 354 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,119 Speaker 1: If you live in a big city, there's always someone around. 355 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 1: So something that I did when I first moved to 356 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 1: this new city. Was like, and I still do this 357 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 1: to this day. Is I make sure i leave an 358 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: afternoon or a morning or some part of my week 359 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,800 Speaker 1: where it's just me and I'm focused on checking in 360 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,720 Speaker 1: with myself and building a relationship with myself as if 361 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: I was another person. And I found that when I 362 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:47,600 Speaker 1: got more comfortable with being able to be in my 363 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,960 Speaker 1: own company and do the things I wanted to do 364 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,240 Speaker 1: even if no one else wanted to come, that's when 365 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 1: I just kind of started meeting people because I was 366 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:58,040 Speaker 1: doing what I wanted to do, which when I was 367 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:02,160 Speaker 1: attracting people who thought the same way in those situations. 368 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 1: But I also think it's really crucial if you if 369 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,640 Speaker 1: you're looking around you like I don't have the friendships 370 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:13,440 Speaker 1: that I want, Leverage those casual connections. I cannot stress 371 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 1: this enough. Someone you met at a party once, message them, 372 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,880 Speaker 1: do it, like literally, what is the worst that can happen? 373 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,720 Speaker 1: They'll say no, like you're back to square one. Like, 374 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: leverage those casual connections. Reach out to people you've met 375 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 1: once or twice, reach out to mutual friends. And if 376 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,399 Speaker 1: you are in a new city, ask your friends if 377 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:37,720 Speaker 1: they know anyone honestly, I have met one of someone 378 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 1: who I think will be one of my closest best 379 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:44,600 Speaker 1: friends for life through through this method. One of our 380 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,359 Speaker 1: friends from we both lived in the same city prior 381 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,639 Speaker 1: to moving to Sydney, and one of our fabulous friends, Phoebe, 382 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 1: if you're listening, love it a bits. She literally was like, 383 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,120 Speaker 1: this friend, Gracie, my friend Gracie now is moving to Sydney. 384 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,679 Speaker 1: I think you guys would get along and put us 385 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,520 Speaker 1: in the group chat together and the rest is history. 386 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 1: Now we are like so close, we see each other 387 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,879 Speaker 1: all the time. We have these really deep conversations. So 388 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 1: that is an amazing method. Message your friends if they 389 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,680 Speaker 1: might no one know someone, if you've got people already 390 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,040 Speaker 1: in a city or people who you live in the 391 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 1: same city with who might have a different friendship group 392 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,560 Speaker 1: to you, be like, is there someone that I should know? 393 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,439 Speaker 1: Do you think there's anyone that like you think I 394 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,600 Speaker 1: would really get along with? Like can you invite me 395 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,679 Speaker 1: to things with them? Or can you like kind of 396 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,600 Speaker 1: set us up? And the chances are if you're really 397 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: good friends with that person, you're probably going to get 398 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,000 Speaker 1: along with the people they're friends with as well. The 399 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: other thing that I think really kind of changed for 400 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,280 Speaker 1: me and made me more comfortable in this city, made 401 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,440 Speaker 1: me feel like I had community, was work connections. You've 402 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: got to make friends at work. You never know what 403 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 1: kind of things you'll have in common just because you 404 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,200 Speaker 1: work at the same place or for the same company. 405 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: Like it's insane to me how many people I've met 406 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,240 Speaker 1: who I worked with, and you know, if they're the 407 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 1: same age as you, you're probably going to have at 408 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,360 Speaker 1: least a couple things in common. And even if they're 409 00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 1: not the deepest friendships, and you know, you don't know, 410 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,959 Speaker 1: maybe you're going to meet your best friend. Even if 411 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,640 Speaker 1: they're not the deepest friendships, the deepest connections, it still 412 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,879 Speaker 1: feels really nice, I think, to know that there are 413 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:23,160 Speaker 1: people who care about you and people that are around you. Okay, 414 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,600 Speaker 1: I'm going to spend a little bit of time on 415 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: this next tip because I think that it's probably my 416 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: most practical, one most applicable, and what really helped me 417 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,640 Speaker 1: from a personal experience. Okay, you need to commit. You 418 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:44,439 Speaker 1: need to commit to something. Pick one two activities or 419 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: hobbies you really enjoy, or something that you think you 420 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,119 Speaker 1: might enjoy. You don't even have to love it yet, 421 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 1: and I want you to do them every week, three 422 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,239 Speaker 1: times a week, once a week minimum, but do it 423 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 1: every single week. Stay committed, and I do want to stipulate. 424 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:01,320 Speaker 1: With any good thing, it's going to take time. So 425 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,040 Speaker 1: don't expect to be like making or meeting friendship soul 426 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:08,600 Speaker 1: mates within a day or two. But activities and hobbies 427 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: are like gold standard the best way to meet people 428 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: because you know how you know how easy it is 429 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 1: to talk to someone if you see them every week, 430 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,639 Speaker 1: if you see them three times a week at you know, 431 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 1: your boxing class or at the climbing gym, or at 432 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:26,719 Speaker 1: your marathon training club. I don't know these all sports related. 433 00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:28,959 Speaker 1: You can do whatever you want. You know, at your 434 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,239 Speaker 1: art class, there you go. I did life drawing, and 435 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,480 Speaker 1: I met so many people because once you become, you know, 436 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,280 Speaker 1: a regular face, that's when you start kind of like 437 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: having conversations with people and discovering the other things that 438 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,679 Speaker 1: you have in common. You know, there are some people 439 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:47,840 Speaker 1: that you're just going to click with. But in general, 440 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: I really believe that relationships and friendships require steady intent 441 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 1: and commitment and investment, and that's what this tip kind 442 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,600 Speaker 1: of does. Like if you pick you know, one thing 443 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,120 Speaker 1: for you to do every single week, and you're always there, 444 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,919 Speaker 1: chances are those people are going to be there at 445 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,439 Speaker 1: the same time as well. And if you keep showing 446 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 1: up and you keep kind of putting yourself out there 447 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:18,639 Speaker 1: and showing your face and being vulnerable, I feel like 448 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,600 Speaker 1: sooner or later things start to click. And when you 449 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:24,120 Speaker 1: are in that kind of position, get their contact information, 450 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,720 Speaker 1: add them on Instagram right away, Like you've seen someone 451 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,280 Speaker 1: at I don't know your pottery class, be like, oh hey, 452 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:31,960 Speaker 1: I see you here a lot. What's your name, blah 453 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,840 Speaker 1: blah blah, have a little small talk, have a little chat, 454 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,160 Speaker 1: and get their number or get them get their Instagram. 455 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: I find that Instagram is really really good. And if 456 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,920 Speaker 1: you are someone like one of my friends who I've 457 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: done this too, oh my gosh, please don't leave me. 458 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 1: Please don't think this is incredibly awkward. But I've made 459 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 1: friends doing this where I've gone to something week in 460 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,320 Speaker 1: week out seeing the same people and just gone up 461 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,399 Speaker 1: to them and been like, oh hey, and added them 462 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,960 Speaker 1: on Instagram, you know, reacted to their stories a few times, 463 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,200 Speaker 1: just like kind of showing that you're there and getting 464 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,320 Speaker 1: them to think about you. And bad being bad a 465 00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 1: boom you might have a new friend. And I think 466 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,480 Speaker 1: the reason that I love this tip, and I love 467 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,560 Speaker 1: the idea of committing to an activity, committing to a 468 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 1: hobby and doing it every week, is that friendships don't 469 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:25,520 Speaker 1: just happen. Actually, in the belief that they happen, that 470 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:30,080 Speaker 1: they are this organic miracle, can actually hinder our chances 471 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,320 Speaker 1: of making friends. I don't know if you're someone who 472 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 1: thinks this. I used to think this, but I would 473 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 1: just kind of walk through life and being like, the 474 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: people who are meant to meet me will meet me. 475 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 1: And in some ways that is really true. But you know, 476 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 1: if you're sitting at home every day being like, oh, 477 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:47,760 Speaker 1: if it's meant to happen, it will happen, chances are 478 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 1: it's probably not because you're not putting yourself out there 479 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,400 Speaker 1: enough for those opportunities to come on by. And there 480 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,000 Speaker 1: was this really interesting study that I read about when 481 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: I was researching this episode, and it found that holding 482 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,399 Speaker 1: a belief that friendships happened based on luck and based 483 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:09,000 Speaker 1: on you know, this kind of magic, magical running or destiny, 484 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: it actually was related to more loneliness and a greater 485 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,679 Speaker 1: sense of isolation, whereas believing that friendships take effort was 486 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,199 Speaker 1: actually related to less loneliness in this study. And on 487 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,359 Speaker 1: a similar note, I think it's okay if it takes 488 00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:29,200 Speaker 1: some time and if you don't have an immediate rushing 489 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,080 Speaker 1: connection with someone that you should listen to the Soulmates 490 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,520 Speaker 1: episode if you want to hear more about this. But 491 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:36,359 Speaker 1: a friend of mine once said to me when I 492 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,160 Speaker 1: first moved here. He was one of the first people 493 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 1: that I really met in this city, and something he 494 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 1: said to me. I think I was complaining to him, like, oh, 495 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: I feel really lonely, like I don't have enough friends, 496 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,560 Speaker 1: and he was like, you don't want to rush friendships 497 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,560 Speaker 1: because the best things in life take time, and the 498 00:28:55,640 --> 00:29:00,360 Speaker 1: best relationships take time to grow. And he also mentioned 499 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,560 Speaker 1: he also said, I'm trying to remember what he said 500 00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: because he said it so beautifully, but it was kind 501 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 1: of along the gist of like, you should be deliberate 502 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:14,120 Speaker 1: in deciding the people that you're going to surround yourself with. 503 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,880 Speaker 1: It's important to not just rush into that and collect 504 00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:25,160 Speaker 1: whoever you want, whoever's available. Real friendships take time, and 505 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,400 Speaker 1: it's time that will be worthwhile in the future. It's 506 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 1: an investment because if you just you know, meet who 507 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 1: you meet with some random person, I'm like, Okay, I've 508 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 1: chosen this person. I'm going to commit to them. Like 509 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,120 Speaker 1: it's great to have acquaintances and everything like that, but 510 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:43,320 Speaker 1: there is something deeper and more special about friendship that 511 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 1: you've really worked towards, and you've taken time to build 512 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,480 Speaker 1: a connection with that person because you because you really 513 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,120 Speaker 1: like them, because you notice that there's something quite unique 514 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 1: and special about them, I think. On another note, but 515 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 1: really similar to that idea of being vulnerable, committing and 516 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 1: investing in hobbies and activities, putting yourself out there, don't 517 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:09,720 Speaker 1: be afraid to just go up to people and start talking. 518 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:14,120 Speaker 1: Here's the thing. Most of us have been taught and 519 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 1: learned and trained socially to be polite to strangers and 520 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:22,960 Speaker 1: to be polite to people even if the situation is awkward. 521 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:26,120 Speaker 1: So although there may be like an initial awkward moment 522 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:29,200 Speaker 1: if you go up to someone and start talking, most 523 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:33,360 Speaker 1: of the time that kind of weird social etiquette, to 524 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:36,840 Speaker 1: not be rude and just walk away means that you 525 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,880 Speaker 1: will probably end up having a really engaging conversation. And 526 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:43,200 Speaker 1: this doesn't have to lead to a magnificent, long lasting friendship. 527 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 1: Maybe it will, but more importantly, it will allow you 528 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: to kind of practice putting yourself out there and being 529 00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:54,400 Speaker 1: yourself and having interesting conversations. And in these situations, you 530 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 1: really do have to believe that people will like you back. 531 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,680 Speaker 1: This might also be the case if you've rocked up 532 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,560 Speaker 1: to a social event and you don't know anyone, but 533 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:05,360 Speaker 1: you have to always expect the best. I think many 534 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 1: of us see ourselves as passive agents of our kind 535 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: of social worlds and our social lives, waiting for someone 536 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,400 Speaker 1: else to reach out to us and introduce themselves. But 537 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,040 Speaker 1: if you're struggling to make friends right now and know 538 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:25,160 Speaker 1: it's really hard, but you have to embrace the idea 539 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:27,920 Speaker 1: that you are in control, and you're in control of 540 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 1: your social world and who you choose to have in 541 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: your life more than you think, and the more intentional 542 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,760 Speaker 1: you are about connecting with others, the more that you're 543 00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: going to benefit, the more reward you're going to see. 544 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:44,480 Speaker 1: One study kind of examined this group of students and 545 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:49,400 Speaker 1: they examined classmates perceptions of the social environment that was 546 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: their classroom, and people in the class perceived it really differently. 547 00:31:54,880 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 1: So the researchers asked these kids, was the social environment 548 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: did you feel warm in this room? Like? Did you 549 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 1: feel warm and comfortable or did you feel cold? Mostly 550 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 1: the kids who perceived the social environment to be positive, 551 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:18,080 Speaker 1: those who engaged with others, those who introduce themselves to others, 552 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,640 Speaker 1: They were the ones who are like, oh, this environment 553 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:23,479 Speaker 1: was really warm and I found it really welcoming, Whereas 554 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,680 Speaker 1: those who kind of kept to themselves, they were the 555 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,400 Speaker 1: ones who are like, oh, I felt like this class 556 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:32,040 Speaker 1: was really chilly and really clinical and unwelcoming. And it's 557 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,960 Speaker 1: normally the people who do take that leap of faith 558 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 1: force themselves to be vulnerable and engage with others that 559 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,720 Speaker 1: also believe that others will be just as open to 560 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,920 Speaker 1: meeting them as well. And it's that philosophy again. You 561 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:51,040 Speaker 1: have to be intentional about connecting with others, but you 562 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:55,120 Speaker 1: also have to believe that others will want to meet 563 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,640 Speaker 1: you and that people will like you back. This is 564 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,960 Speaker 1: just such a weird je, but I feel like it's 565 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,800 Speaker 1: appropriate here. You know, I'm promoting this idea of you know, 566 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,239 Speaker 1: going up and talking to strangers and a little bit 567 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:11,240 Speaker 1: of stranger danger. Obviously not choose your time and your context. 568 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:17,160 Speaker 1: But I remember, I sorry, but I remember I one 569 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:20,080 Speaker 1: time I was like at a I like a chicken shop. 570 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,280 Speaker 1: I think I was buying like chips. I've been like 571 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 1: out with my friends and there were these like guys 572 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 1: and this girl sitting at this table, and there was 573 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 1: something that we had in common, and I just went 574 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: up and started talking to them, and we ended up 575 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: talking for like twenty minutes. Next thing, you know, like 576 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,960 Speaker 1: they were inviting me to this party they were having. 577 00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,280 Speaker 1: And now we're really good friends. And of course there's 578 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,920 Speaker 1: been so many instances where that's happened and I've never 579 00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:48,760 Speaker 1: heard from them again, or we've added each other on 580 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:52,480 Speaker 1: Instagram and now we just watch each other's stories. But 581 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,200 Speaker 1: there are those beautiful kind of diamonds in the ruff, 582 00:33:56,280 --> 00:34:00,240 Speaker 1: those beautiful experiences where it's worked out really well, where 583 00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:03,480 Speaker 1: everyone was kind of on the same page. And that's 584 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 1: the other thing. If you're really struggling to make friends, 585 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 1: there are other people out there who are feeling the 586 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:13,000 Speaker 1: same way, who probably want social interactions and deep, meaningful 587 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 1: friendships just as much as you, And if you meet them, 588 00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:19,239 Speaker 1: it's probably likely that you'll connect and that you'll be 589 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,840 Speaker 1: able to kind of form a relationship with them. I 590 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:24,239 Speaker 1: think back to that point that I made right at 591 00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:29,000 Speaker 1: the start about social comparison. It's very easy to see 592 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,640 Speaker 1: the world and to see other people as having it all, 593 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 1: and everyone you know already has all the friends they need, 594 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:38,840 Speaker 1: and everyone's already super content and you know, very popular 595 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,800 Speaker 1: and has everything that they want. They've got the friends 596 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,719 Speaker 1: that they want. That's not the case. Like this is 597 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:48,479 Speaker 1: such a universal experience, and I feel like everyone could 598 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:51,160 Speaker 1: do with more friends, Everyone could do with more love 599 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: and relationships and connection in their life. So putting yourself 600 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,239 Speaker 1: out there like the worst it's going to happen if 601 00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,840 Speaker 1: someone's going to say no, And if you've got a 602 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:04,040 Speaker 1: fear of retraction, maybe that's really scary for you. But 603 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:06,279 Speaker 1: I would challenge you to do it anyway, because the 604 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:11,120 Speaker 1: reward from that is just so much greater than the risk, 605 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,480 Speaker 1: or greater than the cost. I also want to say 606 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,920 Speaker 1: and kind of take a moment to really recognize that 607 00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:23,720 Speaker 1: I think that this experience of trying to put yourself 608 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:28,440 Speaker 1: out there and make friends is very different for different 609 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:32,360 Speaker 1: types of people. Well obviously all very unique. We have 610 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,959 Speaker 1: different personalities, we have different attitudes and ways of seeing 611 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,080 Speaker 1: the world, and one of those ways is as an 612 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:43,560 Speaker 1: extrovert or as an introvert, I obviously, you know, run 613 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: a podcast where I talk into a microphone for an 614 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,200 Speaker 1: hour a week, So I would say I'm pretty extroverted, 615 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:55,759 Speaker 1: and that's where I think my perspective comes from. But 616 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:59,000 Speaker 1: I also understand that there are probably a lot of 617 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:02,279 Speaker 1: people listening to this were quite introverted, and for who 618 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,240 Speaker 1: like a lot of these kind of challenges or tips 619 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:12,720 Speaker 1: would be really, really difficult. But I also do believe 620 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:18,439 Speaker 1: that there are so many people in life who will 621 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:22,440 Speaker 1: love us who we haven't met yet. And as challenging 622 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:24,880 Speaker 1: as it might be to really be vulnerable and to 623 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:27,799 Speaker 1: put yourself out there, there are ways to do that 624 00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,600 Speaker 1: in a way that makes you feel safe and doesn't, 625 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,040 Speaker 1: you know, kind of spike your social anxiety or doesn't 626 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:38,080 Speaker 1: exhaust you, even joining things like bumble BFF or online 627 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,719 Speaker 1: groups or just committing to something one day a week, 628 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,600 Speaker 1: even if it's just for an hour. I feel like 629 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:46,920 Speaker 1: that's why organized sport is so good. You're there for 630 00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:49,640 Speaker 1: an hour and then you can opt out or opt 631 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:55,040 Speaker 1: in to further activities. But I do recognize that making 632 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:59,399 Speaker 1: friends can be a lot harder for some rather than others, 633 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:04,600 Speaker 1: and it is like a unique and personal struggle for 634 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:06,239 Speaker 1: each of us and something that we have to kind 635 00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:09,719 Speaker 1: of navigate and figure it out for ourselves. But we 636 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,799 Speaker 1: live in such a social world and surrounded by so 637 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:16,280 Speaker 1: many people. It's impossible for you to go through life 638 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,959 Speaker 1: and go through the next you know, five, ten, thirty 639 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:20,840 Speaker 1: years of your life and not run into someone that 640 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:24,160 Speaker 1: you really like, or run into someone whose company really enjoy. 641 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,239 Speaker 1: And something that I was kind of always repeating to 642 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:32,160 Speaker 1: myself was like the people that I knew five years ago, 643 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:35,640 Speaker 1: the people that I know now were not people that 644 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,120 Speaker 1: I knew five years ago. Sorry, So you never know 645 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:39,879 Speaker 1: who you're going to meet in these next five years. 646 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:43,200 Speaker 1: There's so many people in the world, so many opportunities 647 00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:46,719 Speaker 1: to make exciting, long term, even short term friendships, but 648 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 1: friendships that really fulfill you and contribute to your well being. 649 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,120 Speaker 1: So if that's kind of the quest and the personal 650 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,239 Speaker 1: journey that you're on, I wish you love and I 651 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:58,200 Speaker 1: wish you luck and strength because I know it can 652 00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:01,560 Speaker 1: be quite difficult. But I also challenge you to follow 653 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:04,040 Speaker 1: some of those tips. Go up and talk to people 654 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:09,040 Speaker 1: commit to a hobby, leverage those mutual connections, those casual connections, 655 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:12,960 Speaker 1: like just ask people for their Instagram, just invite people 656 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:15,680 Speaker 1: to do things like worse comes to worst they say no, 657 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:18,279 Speaker 1: and then you know it's not meant to be, or 658 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:21,400 Speaker 1: you try again and you could always have a flourishing, 659 00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:24,680 Speaker 1: gorgeous friendship with them. So anyhow, it's kind of turned 660 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:26,680 Speaker 1: into a bit of a pep talk now that I 661 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:31,480 Speaker 1: hope it's helpful for you if you're struggling with this 662 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:34,319 Speaker 1: at the moment, and if you're really finding it quite 663 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:38,360 Speaker 1: difficult to build friendships at this stage in your life. 664 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:42,160 Speaker 1: I've said it before, probably many times in this episode, 665 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:45,799 Speaker 1: but I'll say it once again. This is not an 666 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:51,160 Speaker 1: experience that you're having a loan. It is so universal, 667 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:55,120 Speaker 1: and I think it's important to also recognize that this 668 00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:58,399 Speaker 1: decade of our lives is one that is defined by 669 00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:03,359 Speaker 1: chaos and change and shifting dynamics, and that compounded with 670 00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:07,000 Speaker 1: you know, we just went through a pandemic like pandemic 671 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,120 Speaker 1: in which we were forced to be physically separate and isolated. 672 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:12,920 Speaker 1: And you're doing a great job. You're doing such a 673 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:16,200 Speaker 1: great job, whoever you are, with what you've got going on, 674 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:19,840 Speaker 1: so thank you so much for listening, and I really 675 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:24,240 Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed this episode. I've got a bonus paid 676 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,799 Speaker 1: content episode coming out this week as well, so if 677 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,520 Speaker 1: you want to hear that, you do have to subscribe, 678 00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:32,480 Speaker 1: but there is a link in the bio of our 679 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:36,120 Speaker 1: Spotify page just to have a peek and see some 680 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:40,000 Speaker 1: of the exclusive content that you can unlock. And as always, 681 00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:42,959 Speaker 1: thank you so much for your support. It's just been 682 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:48,040 Speaker 1: insane recently how many new listeners we have, and as always, 683 00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,920 Speaker 1: the people who have been supporting this podcast since the beginning. 684 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:54,000 Speaker 1: You guys are wonderful, So thank you so much and 685 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:55,799 Speaker 1: I will speak to you next week.