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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that's helping you get more fresh

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Speaker 1: air on your morning drive with car windshields that rolled

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Speaker 1: down windshields.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, bugs in your teeth.

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Speaker 3: The hand crank is a lot bigger, though, so hit

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Speaker 3: you in the face. You can't have an electric No,

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Speaker 3: you really got to put some elbow grease into that.

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Speaker 1: With Laser Stories, the segment where we read weird news

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Speaker 1: stories from around the globe, just like everyone else does,

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Speaker 1: except we've got a laser. Those are the breeze blockers,

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Speaker 1: just don't This first lazer story is out of Tennessee.

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Speaker 1: A forty year old man named Rodriquez Wilbourne broke into

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Speaker 1: a nearby home the other day and no one was inside.

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Speaker 2: That's good.

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Speaker 1: There was a TV, a laptop, and other valuables sitting around,

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Speaker 1: but Jack he wasn't interested in those. Five minutes later,

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Speaker 1: he walked out the front door with the family's toilet.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, an entire toilet. Yeah, yeah, you can do that.

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Speaker 3: He can pull those out. I don't even know.

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Speaker 2: It's only a couple of screws.

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Speaker 3: I mean they are heavy. We don't really know what

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Speaker 3: his plan was.

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Speaker 1: He reportedly got it out of the house and was

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Speaker 1: preparing to leave the property when he realized that he'd

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Speaker 1: been caught by a security camera.

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Speaker 2: Maybe he just didn't want to clean his own.

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Speaker 3: That's what he was thinking. That bad. He's like, I'll

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Speaker 3: just swap out anyone. Yeah, So how did the thief react?

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Speaker 1: Rodriquez started dragging the toilet back towards the house and

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Speaker 1: attempted to reinstall it. He's apologized on the ring. The

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Speaker 1: cops showed up, and then he ran off and jumped

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Speaker 1: over a fence while fleeing. Police caught up with them

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Speaker 1: a little while later, and he was charged with aggravated burglary. Darn.

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Speaker 1: Authorities did say they aren't sure if drugs were in

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Speaker 1: play during the crime, but if they weren't, this guy

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Speaker 1: has much much bigger issues.

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Speaker 3: He's gotta do it. He's like, I'm coming back for

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Speaker 3: that garage door. It's next stories out of the Wonda

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Speaker 3: of down Under.

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Speaker 1: US JOY Athletics Australia is the national sporting organization that

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Speaker 1: gets the nation's track and field stars.

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Speaker 3: To the Olympics. Oh cool, that's what's called.

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Speaker 1: It's responsible for over sixteen thousand registered athletes, coaches and

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Speaker 1: officials and this week they just unveiled a.

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Speaker 3: Quote bold new identity.

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Speaker 1: After months of anticipation millions of dollars in consultant fees,

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Speaker 1: Athletics Australia has.

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Speaker 3: Rebranded two drum roll please.

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Speaker 1: Australian Athletics. Did you just say I didn't say the

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Speaker 1: same thing if you missed it.

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Speaker 3: It's the same two words in a different order because

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Speaker 3: everyone was missaying it before. It just sounds cool. It

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Speaker 3: does so much is you're to remember now?

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Speaker 1: In a statement, the group says, by swapping the words,

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Speaker 1: it quote reflects the sports evolution and growth, connecting it

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Speaker 1: to its storied legacy, and sets its sights on an

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Speaker 1: exciting new future.

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Speaker 3: It's not that deep, bro.

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Speaker 2: I feel like this is like when you do a

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Speaker 2: high school paper and you try to over explain something

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Speaker 2: just to take up space and try to convince someone

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Speaker 2: that what you said was actually or more.

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Speaker 1: Henceforward inubitably so, even though many Australians were critical of

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Speaker 1: the new name and how much money it costs to

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Speaker 1: come up with that, the CEO says, you are crazy

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Speaker 1: because this rebrand ain't over. Oh it even comes with

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Speaker 1: a new logo. Now no one has seen the new

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Speaker 1: logo yet, but frustrated commenters online are suggesting they're probably

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Speaker 1: just going to use the old logo and flip it

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Speaker 1: upside down or tilt it to one side.

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Speaker 2: I feel like the old logo is in a N

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Speaker 2: and A and they probably just.

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Speaker 1: Oh, they're going to swap the two as good idea broke.

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Speaker 3: This next laser story is out of Cupid's corner.

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Speaker 1: Fu bite into a TwixT bar that has spent years

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Speaker 1: hidden in the pocket of some Halloween costume.

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Speaker 3: You might hurt your teeth.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just white. That's the only thing that happens.

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Speaker 2: I've tried them before. No, Yeah, that chocolate turns white.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well, it's nothing like biting into an actual gold bar.

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Speaker 1: I say that because Twigs has announced the contest that's

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Speaker 1: running during the Super Bowl where they want you to

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Speaker 1: go to their website on your phone during every commercial

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Speaker 1: break and compete in a staring contest.

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Speaker 2: Wait, like you get matched with somebody on the other

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Speaker 2: side or something.

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Speaker 3: Here's how it works.

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Speaker 1: The screen is gonna have two gold bars on it

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Speaker 1: with an eye on each one, which apparently belonged to

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Speaker 1: the hip hop duo The Ying Ying Twins, who I am.

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Speaker 2: Really confused by this. So you've got kick cat bars,

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Speaker 2: we've got a gold bar and yingying twins.

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Speaker 1: So basically they'll keep track of how long you stare

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Speaker 1: at the gold bars with eyes okay, and how many

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Speaker 1: ad breaks you participate in, and the higher your score,

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Speaker 1: the more contest entries you'll receive, and at the very end,

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Speaker 1: one winner will receive two actual gold bars worth about

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Speaker 1: one hundred and seventy thousand dollars.

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Speaker 2: That.

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Speaker 1: Oh, what a devious campaign, dude, that.

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Speaker 2: Is so complicated. Yeah, a billion.

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Speaker 1: Well, they're actually tricking people into spending the entire Super

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Speaker 1: Bowl literally staring at their ads so they can't see

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Speaker 1: any others.

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Speaker 2: Oh.

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Speaker 3: I mean it's actually pretty brilliant. I kind of see

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Speaker 3: it from that stupid but brilliant, stupid brilliance.

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Speaker 2: You're saying you're going to be stared at some gold bars.

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Speaker 3: I'm not rooting for other teams.

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Speaker 1: So really, this next Lazer story is out of Holiday headquarters. Yes,

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Speaker 1: this Sunday is National Groundhog's Day. And if you are

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Speaker 1: planning on listening to punk Satani Phil's prediction of whether

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Speaker 1: it's going to be an early spring, a new study says, don't.

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Speaker 3: Bother is actually disappointed.

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Speaker 1: And researcher tracts several groundhogs, prairie dogs, and even a

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Speaker 1: few birds from around the country who aim to predict

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Speaker 1: an earlier late spring.

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Speaker 3: Oh and good old punk satani Phil came in dead last.

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Speaker 3: You are one pathetic loser. Yeah, but he's cute telling

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Speaker 3: me I shouldn't wear my groundhog outfit.

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Speaker 2: Well, I mean he's telling you there's other groundhogs that

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Speaker 2: are better, yeah.

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Speaker 3: Smarter, more accurately predicting.

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Speaker 1: Only groundhogs that had been predicting the weather for at

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Speaker 1: least twenty years were included. Okay, and all of them

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Speaker 1: had to be still actively doing it today.

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Speaker 2: All right, who should we be listening to?

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Speaker 3: Sunday Jeff So.

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Speaker 1: The most accurate animal weather predictor experts say is Staten

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Speaker 1: Island Chuck.

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Speaker 4: Why is that such a perfect base?

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Speaker 1: Perfect always he just comes out of his whole smoking

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Speaker 1: a cigarette and he's like, screw it, I'm going back in.

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Speaker 3: And first before I do, let these two bronze leaves.

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Speaker 2: It was the whole time.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, please give me more.

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Speaker 1: Staten Island Chuck predicted the arrival of spring correctly eighty

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Speaker 1: five percent.

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Speaker 3: Of the time.

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Speaker 1: That's actually why in second place was a pigeon named Barnaby.

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Speaker 4: Is that where It's kind of unclear how he does it,

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Speaker 4: but apparently he gets it right seventy seven percent of

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Speaker 4: the time by sorting through his own droppings on the floor.

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Speaker 1: Gross, let's stick with punk Satani. Phil should be totally

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Speaker 1: ashamed because he is only accurate thirty five percent.

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Speaker 2: Way he says that, Yeah, let's go with Staten Island Chuck.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it does beg the question, though, why isn't anyone

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Speaker 1: asking our own show mascot to predict the weather. It's

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Speaker 1: true because he does that trick where you lick your

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Speaker 1: finger and you stick it in the air to feel

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Speaker 1: the wind.

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Speaker 3: Yes, except it's not. I don't know why they stopped

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Speaker 3: televising it right of the time.

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Speaker 2: That's what he always said.

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Speaker 3: That sound means Laser Stories has come to an end

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Speaker 3: for the day. We'll do it again, same time on Monday,

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Speaker 3: Brook

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Speaker 2: And Jeffrey in the morning