Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, we have some exciting news to share. ABC
Speaker 1: News Studios has turned Caroline Brega's story from Betrayal season
Speaker 1: four into a docuseriies. You'll get to meet the people involved,
Speaker 1: You'll hear from people who have never spoken before, and
Speaker 1: you get to see where this story took place. We
Speaker 1: are so proud and excited to share it with you all.
Speaker 1: Stream Betrayal Dirty Secrets now on Hulu or Hulu for
Speaker 1: Disney Plus.
Speaker 2: Looking back on my journaling of the whole relationship, it's
Speaker 2: almost like watching a bad horror film where the protagonist
Speaker 2: is like walking through the house being like hello, Hello,
Speaker 2: is anyone here, and you're like screaming at the screen.
Speaker 2: They're right behind you.
Speaker 1: I'm Andrea Gunning and this is Betrayal, a show about
Speaker 1: the people we trust the most, receptions that change everything
Speaker 1: really quick. Before we get into the episode, I have
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Speaker 1: Andre gutting All right, onto the show. Devin grew up
Speaker 1: in the Pacific Northwest. Her family's house was surrounded by
Speaker 1: five acres of land, which made for a perfect playground
Speaker 1: for Devin and her older sister.
Speaker 2: We would just disappear into the wilds of our backyard
Speaker 2: for hours playing and come in when we heard a
Speaker 2: bell to have a snack.
Speaker 1: Her family had a farm complete with horses, chickens, and lamas.
Speaker 2: You could sell individual lamas for tens of thousands of dollars,
Speaker 2: and so my mom started a lama business for income.
Speaker 2: They would put me in a lama auction with the
Speaker 2: lama to show how gentle it was, and I would
Speaker 2: be leading this large animal around as a very small
Speaker 2: child and just smiling. And I still remember the auctioneer
Speaker 2: being like, I'm not I'll look at the big smile
Speaker 2: on that child, you know.
Speaker 1: Devin and her sister were homeschooled all through elementary and
Speaker 1: middle school. When she started ninth grade, her parents enrolled
Speaker 1: her in their town's public high school.
Speaker 2: I remember walking in and just beaming in every single
Speaker 2: person I saw. I think people thought something was wrong
Speaker 2: with me, but I was just so happy to be
Speaker 2: around so many people, and I thrived In high school.
Speaker 1: She always participated in class discussions, but there was one
Speaker 1: day in history class that felt different.
Speaker 2: We were having a debate about the Supreme Court case
Speaker 2: between the Boy Scouts of America and Dale.
Speaker 1: Boy Scouts of America versus Dale was a Supreme Court
Speaker 1: case in two thousand. The Boy Scouts revoked James Dale's
Speaker 1: membership when they found out he was gay.
Speaker 2: This was like big news at the time, and our
Speaker 2: history teacher had us set up a debate to argue
Speaker 2: for having gay people in Boy Scouts and against having
Speaker 2: gay people in Boy Scouts. And I was the only
Speaker 2: one in a class of thirty kids that was arguing
Speaker 2: for gay people to be allowed to be in the
Speaker 2: Boy Scouts.
Speaker 1: It wasn't an environment where Devin could comfortably explore who
Speaker 1: she was. The message from her high school was clear,
Speaker 1: fit in or be left behind.
Speaker 2: There were two gay people that I knew in high
Speaker 2: school and both left because it was such a homophobic environment.
Speaker 2: And so I was staying safe by winning people over
Speaker 2: and not truly being my full self.
Speaker 1: After high school, Devin started college in a city a
Speaker 1: few hours away. For the first time, she was surrounded
Speaker 1: by people that cared about the same things she did.
Speaker 2: I got deeply involved in women and gender studies, and
Speaker 2: I ran the women's resource center with my best friend
Speaker 2: at the time.
Speaker 1: Devin finally felt comfortable enough to explore who she was
Speaker 1: and what she wanted. She realized that she was queer.
Speaker 2: I started exclusively dating women when I was a sophomore.
Speaker 2: It wasn't a big deal. My family was pretty accepting
Speaker 2: of it, which was pretty great.
Speaker 1: A few years after college, Devin moved to the Bay Area.
Speaker 1: She got a job working in mental health services, but
Speaker 1: outside of work, she didn't know anyone. She spent her
Speaker 1: weekends by herself. It was a lonely start.
Speaker 2: I was just alone in this new city with no friends,
Speaker 2: and I just remember scrapbook and day drinking until I
Speaker 2: got too lonely and needed to see other people, and
Speaker 2: so I would go through store shopping or grocery shopping.
Speaker 1: Eventually, she decided she needed to venture outside her comfort zone.
Speaker 1: She was ready to put herself out there. She downloaded
Speaker 1: the dating app okay Cupid, and soon she had plans
Speaker 1: to meet up with the girl she met on the
Speaker 1: app named Kai.
Speaker 2: I remember walking up and seeing her, and I already
Speaker 2: thought she was cute and met her by her motorcycle,
Speaker 2: and I thought that was sexy that she drove motorcycle.
Speaker 2: And she had this kind of strong physique which I
Speaker 2: found very attractive. Had short hair, a lot of piercings,
Speaker 2: some tattoos, and there was a mysterious vibe to her.
Speaker 1: Devin and Kai went on a long walk, talking the
Speaker 1: whole time. They weren't ready for the day to end.
Speaker 2: We ended up going into a bar and sitting side
Speaker 2: by side and talking. The first date was six hours.
Speaker 1: Devin's the kind of person who has always kept a journal,
Speaker 1: and she has kept them to this day. She'll be
Speaker 1: reading excerpts from them throughout this episode. Here's what she
Speaker 1: wrote after her first date with Kai.
Speaker 2: She seems smart, very accomplished, intimidatingly so, super easy to
Speaker 2: be around, very dynamic, a good listener, sexy, thoughtful, and
Speaker 2: I found myself constantly laughing. She easily has the tools
Speaker 2: to steal many a girl's heart.
Speaker 1: After their date, Kai sent Devin a text.
Speaker 2: Saying that she loved my energy and sharing space with
Speaker 2: me very West Coast thing to say to somebody.
Speaker 1: Devin couldn't stop thinking of about Kai.
Speaker 2: I was trying to get myself to focus on other things,
Speaker 2: but I was so quickly infatuated.
Speaker 1: They went on two more dates that month.
Speaker 2: I thought that pace was really healthy. I thought that
Speaker 2: was a sign that we weren't moving quickly, and this
Speaker 2: was developing in a really methodical, high trust way.
Speaker 1: Spending time with Kai was always an adventure.
Speaker 2: We started kind of trapesing around the city that was beautiful,
Speaker 2: riding her motorcycle everywhere, which was very special and fun.
Speaker 1: Soon Kai invited Devin over to her place.
Speaker 2: The apartment was up on this big hill that had
Speaker 2: a gorgeous view, and we had a really good time.
Speaker 2: And she had a roommate named Melissa, and she said
Speaker 2: that Melissa was also her best friend.
Speaker 1: Kai had a lot of different hobbies.
Speaker 2: She was in school for engineering, and I thought that
Speaker 2: that was really neat. She worked at a windsurfing shop,
Speaker 2: so she actually taught kaiing and windsurfing.
Speaker 1: The more she saw of Kai's life, the more she
Speaker 1: admired her.
Speaker 2: I loved how she spoke about her friends. She was
Speaker 2: very fun loving. She just seemed like she was really
Speaker 2: engaged and involved in building a life that she loved,
Speaker 2: and I admired that and I wanted to do that too.
Speaker 1: Kai invited Devin into the life she built.
Speaker 2: Because I had moved there and didn't have any friends,
Speaker 2: She was also access to a community. All of her
Speaker 2: friends were wonderful, and I also saw that as a
Speaker 2: really positive sign. They were just these awesome, honest, intelligent,
Speaker 2: dedicated people who were all passionate about different things, and
Speaker 2: I loved her friends.
Speaker 1: The only person Kai seemed to have a tense relationship
Speaker 1: with was her roommate, Melissa. Kai told Devin.
Speaker 2: They used to be really close, but that Melissa had
Speaker 2: let her down in some really significant ways. So even
Speaker 2: though I never met Melissa, I was at their apartment
Speaker 2: a lot.
Speaker 1: They were all in their mid twenties. Almost everyone they
Speaker 1: knew lived with roommates and had experience with some kind
Speaker 1: of roommate drama, so Devin understood and sympathized with Kai.
Speaker 1: A few months after their first date, Devin and Kai
Speaker 1: decided they wanted to see each other exclusively. That night,
Speaker 1: Devin wrote in her journal.
Speaker 2: The terms outlined are that we were only having sex
Speaker 2: with each other, and if anything happens with someone else,
Speaker 2: we let the other know. So we hadn't decided that
Speaker 2: we were girlfriends yet, but we had decided that we
Speaker 2: were exclusively having sex with one another.
Speaker 1: Devin noticed that Kai kept talking about different girls she
Speaker 1: dated in the past. It made Devin feel a little jealous,
Speaker 1: so she brought it up to Kai.
Speaker 2: And Kai said, the reason I bring up exce's is
Speaker 2: to examine what I learned from those relationships. And I
Speaker 2: took that really well, because I'm somebody who always learns
Speaker 2: and examines my own behavior, and so I actually thought
Speaker 2: that that was really attractive that she was bringing it
Speaker 2: up to see what she could learn from it.
Speaker 1: Four months after their first date, they were ready to
Speaker 1: define their relationship.
Speaker 2: We decided to be officially dating girlfriends. And that felt
Speaker 2: really good to me. That felt healthy, that felt like
Speaker 2: we were progressing in a mature way.
Speaker 1: Devin was giddy. She and Kai started spending more and
Speaker 1: more time together. Kai went out of her way to
Speaker 1: plan romantic dates for devn.
Speaker 2: It was summer in this gorgeous city, and we went
Speaker 2: to go see the Indigo girls up on this mountain,
Speaker 2: and we went wine tasting, and we were motorcycling everywhere
Speaker 2: we went, sailing.
Speaker 1: Devin was falling in love. She wrote about everything she
Speaker 1: was feeling for Kai in her journal.
Speaker 2: I wrote, she is smart, funny, playful, kind, affectionate, exceedingly thoughtful,
Speaker 2: a badass with a wealth of life experiences. We're very compatible.
Speaker 2: I keep waiting for the moment when I stop enjoying
Speaker 2: seeing her. I have to watch so that I don't
Speaker 2: lose myself in her.
Speaker 1: It felt too good to be true.
Speaker 2: I remember saying, how is it that I get to
Speaker 2: have such a cool life right now?
Speaker 1: Devin and Kai's relationship felt like a dream. They spent
Speaker 1: their weekends roaming the Bay Area on Kai's motorcycle, going
Speaker 1: to wine tastings, and hanging out with their friends. Kai
Speaker 1: opened so many doors to adventure, love and community.
Speaker 2: She was a fun, loving person. She was always looking
Speaker 2: for a good time, and as somebody who had been
Speaker 2: very serious, that felt so tempting, That felt so exciting
Speaker 2: to be involved in. We were just having a grand time,
Speaker 2: just really enjoying life. I was just falling in love,
Speaker 2: happy and living it up in the city.
Speaker 1: The only challenge in their relationship was that Kai was
Speaker 1: often running late, but even with that.
Speaker 2: There were always really good reasons for why she was late.
Speaker 2: You know, there was traffic on the bridge, or it
Speaker 2: didn't feel safe to drive my motorcycle because I'd been drinking,
Speaker 2: or you know, I was caught up in a really
Speaker 2: serious conversation with her friend and I didn't want to
Speaker 2: leave in the middle of it.
Speaker 1: Every time Kai explained why she was late, Devin felt reassured.
Speaker 1: She often felt bad for doubting Kai at all.
Speaker 2: I got in my own head about why was I
Speaker 2: so quick to assume the worst. You know, I just
Speaker 2: need to relax, I wrote even in my journal. I
Speaker 2: don't want to be needy if something's not seriously wrong,
Speaker 2: but I do want her to communicate what's up.
Speaker 1: They'd been dating for over seven months now. Things were
Speaker 1: getting more serious, more committed.
Speaker 2: We were planning trips together. She got to meet my family,
Speaker 2: I started to meet her family.
Speaker 1: Kai was crazy about her.
Speaker 2: She said all these things to me about how I'm
Speaker 2: like the strongest, most intelligent woman she's ever dated, that
Speaker 2: I'm sexy, that she thinks about me all the time.
Speaker 1: It was around this time that Kai moved out of
Speaker 1: the apartment she had been renting with her roommate, Melissa.
Speaker 2: She and Melissa were having hard time, and she said
Speaker 2: that she really needed to move out and get her
Speaker 2: own place.
Speaker 1: Kai seemed really distraught about the end of their friendship.
Speaker 1: She and Melissa had been best friends for years before
Speaker 1: moving in together. Devin spent long nights processing it with Kai.
Speaker 1: Whenever Kai came over, Devin noticed that she stopped driving
Speaker 1: her car. Instead she drove her motorcycle.
Speaker 2: When I asked her about it, she said that her
Speaker 2: brother really needed a car, so she gave it to him,
Speaker 2: and I thought that was really generous. Overall, I thought
Speaker 2: Ki was really generous. She would buy drinks for everybody
Speaker 2: at the bar or you know, just do these kind
Speaker 2: of like elaborate generous gestures, which was very attractive to me.
Speaker 1: When they went out with their friends, Kai was the
Speaker 1: life of the party.
Speaker 2: She was getting the rounds a drinks for people. She
Speaker 2: was good to make you feel like the only person
Speaker 2: in the room. People loved the attention they got from her,
Speaker 2: just like I did.
Speaker 1: Devin wanted Kai to be free to express herself and
Speaker 1: didn't want her to dial back her personality, but sometimes
Speaker 1: things felt like they were crossing a line.
Speaker 2: I just remember how flirty and touchy she was with
Speaker 2: her friends.
Speaker 1: When Devin brought this up, Kit always assured her that
Speaker 1: she had nothing to be worried about, that the flirting
Speaker 1: was totally one sided.
Speaker 2: She told Devin, I'm not attracted to so and so.
Speaker 2: I don't have a crush on them. I'm only interested
Speaker 2: in you. But they have a crush on me, and
Speaker 2: I don't want to hurt their feelings, and so I'm
Speaker 2: just going to flirt with them and it's completely harmless.
Speaker 1: Devin trusted Kai, but seeing people flirt with her it
Speaker 1: made Devin uncomfortable. When Kay's birthday rolled around, Devin planned
Speaker 1: a surprise party and invited a bunch of her friends.
Speaker 1: At the party, Devin noticed that one of Kay's friends
Speaker 1: was being really flirty.
Speaker 2: Like holding her hand and like touching her, and she
Speaker 2: was kissing her on the cheek and she's kept saying
Speaker 2: I love you Kai. She asked Kai to come into
Speaker 2: the bathroom with her to help her change, and just
Speaker 2: all stuff that seemed so inappropriate to me, and it
Speaker 2: really pissed me off.
Speaker 1: This was clearly pushing boundaries.
Speaker 2: And I actually wrote my journal I was so pissed,
Speaker 2: but it was her birthday and I didn't want to
Speaker 2: ruin Kai's day. Kai wasn't contributing, and Kai said, she
Speaker 2: is really touchy feely and it doesn't mean anything, especially
Speaker 2: because she did it while I was there. I wanted
Speaker 2: to address it, but Kai asked that I let it go.
Speaker 1: Devin agreed, but she told Kai the way she was
Speaker 1: acting with her friends was really starting to bother her.
Speaker 2: I did start to have more doubts around this time,
Speaker 2: but it still was more positive than negative. I still
Speaker 2: had more hope that things could be fine, and we
Speaker 2: just needed to communicate better and we could work it out.
Speaker 2: And these were all misunderstandings.
Speaker 1: Kai and Devin were good at working through conflicts together.
Speaker 1: They were both emotional, intelligent people.
Speaker 2: So I felt good enough about our relationship that a
Speaker 2: few months later I invited her to move in with me.
Speaker 1: At this point, they were almost a year into their relationship.
Speaker 1: Kai moved in with Devin and brought her dog with her.
Speaker 1: They were excited to take this step, but they wanted
Speaker 1: to make sure they didn't merge every aspect of their
Speaker 1: lives too quickly.
Speaker 2: When she moved in, there were actually three bedrooms and
Speaker 2: we each took a bedroom. She had a bedroom, I
Speaker 2: had a bedroom, and then we often slept in my bedroom,
Speaker 2: and I wrote in my journal something about like it's
Speaker 2: important that we maintain our separating identities, and that we
Speaker 2: spent some nights.
Speaker 1: Apart, eating dinner and talking about their days. She could
Speaker 1: imagine a future with Kai. They made the place their
Speaker 1: own and hung a picture of themselves in the front hallway.
Speaker 2: There was a big canvas picture of us kissing that
Speaker 2: was displayed in our house.
Speaker 1: A few months into living together, Devine on a weekend
Speaker 1: trip by herself. When she got back on Sunday night,
Speaker 1: Devin immediately noticed something was different.
Speaker 2: The kissing picture was put in my bedroom, and when
Speaker 2: I asked her about it, she said it had been
Speaker 2: getting too much sun.
Speaker 1: This seemed like weird reasoning to Devin, so the next
Speaker 1: day she brought it up to Kai again.
Speaker 2: She actually changed her story, and she had said she
Speaker 2: noticed that I put it down, so that she assumed
Speaker 2: I didn't want it displayed publicly and that it made
Speaker 2: her sad.
Speaker 1: Devin was confused. She knew she hadn't moved the picture, but.
Speaker 2: She was so adamant about it. Part of me started
Speaker 2: to think, well, maybe maybe I did. Maybe I did
Speaker 2: take the picture and move it over here, and now
Speaker 2: she thinks that I am not proud of our relationship,
Speaker 2: and she felt sad, and so she put it in
Speaker 2: my room.
Speaker 1: Either way, Kai assured Devin that she was just overthinking it.
Speaker 1: She had nothing to worry about.
Speaker 2: She said, just know that I love you very much
Speaker 2: and I respect value you. I wouldn't do anything to
Speaker 2: jeopardize our relationship.
Speaker 1: Kai was in school full time and was juggling multiple jobs.
Speaker 2: She spent a fair bit a time away from the house,
Speaker 2: and I remember thinking at the time that I felt
Speaker 2: like a nineteen fifties housewife because I was taking care
Speaker 2: of her dog, and then we'd gotten a puppy, so
Speaker 2: I was taking care of both of them and doing
Speaker 2: my jobs, and she was just gone for twelve hours
Speaker 2: a day. Often most of the cleaning was on me,
Speaker 2: and the care of the house and the dogs was
Speaker 2: on me.
Speaker 1: Devin worked full time too. It was a lot to
Speaker 1: keep up with, but she was happy to support Kai
Speaker 1: in getting her degree and building a life she loved.
Speaker 1: Summer rolled around and it was Pride month. Devin and
Speaker 1: Kai made plans to attend the Pride Parade.
Speaker 2: We went to Pride with this new friend that she
Speaker 2: had met, that she'd been spending a lot of time
Speaker 2: with named s.
Speaker 1: Before they went, Kai warned her that Sam was pretty flirty.
Speaker 2: She very clearly introduced Sam to me as a friend
Speaker 2: who was very touchy feely, and that I shouldn't make
Speaker 2: any meaning out of that.
Speaker 1: That day, Devin and Sam immediately clicked.
Speaker 2: I really liked Sam, super charismatic, kind of like Kai,
Speaker 2: very gregarious, very friendly, you know, good energy. Just wanted
Speaker 2: to be around her.
Speaker 1: As the day went on, Devin noticed that Sam and
Speaker 1: Kai seemed really close, especially considering Sam was a new friend.
Speaker 2: We're all drinking, We're all pretty tipsy.
Speaker 1: That night, Kai and Sam were inseparable. Every time Devin
Speaker 1: looked over, she saw them giggling or holding hands. Sometimes
Speaker 1: Kai was affectionate with her friends in a platonic way,
Speaker 1: especially when she was drinking, but this felt different.
Speaker 2: That was one of the first times that I saw
Speaker 2: their dynamic together and started to feel like something was
Speaker 2: really off.
Speaker 1: It made Devon uncomfortable. After Pride, she brought it up
Speaker 1: to Kai. She tried to set boundaries, but Kai told
Speaker 1: her it was not a big deal.
Speaker 2: She said, Hey, that didn't mean anything. Sam is super
Speaker 2: touchy feely. That's just how she is. She's just that
Speaker 2: kind of person.
Speaker 1: Devin wanted to believe her, but it was getting harder
Speaker 1: to put her worries aside.
Speaker 2: I was suspicious, I was concerned. I was increasingly mistrustful.
Speaker 1: After that conversation, Kai was unusually affectionate and supportive. She
Speaker 1: kept telling Devin how special she was.
Speaker 2: All these sweet things like you're amazing, nobody's got shit
Speaker 2: on you. You're the absolute best I've had by far.
Speaker 2: I love you more than anything.
Speaker 1: But her insurance only did so much.
Speaker 2: And I started to feel more and more insecure in
Speaker 2: the relationship. Devin wrote in her journal. God knows that
Speaker 2: I love her, but I can't keep taking this.
Speaker 1: The fact that the three of them were always hanging
Speaker 1: out together felt like a good sign. It's not like
Speaker 1: Kai was trying to hide anything from her. I felt
Speaker 1: like more of a boundaries issue than anything.
Speaker 2: There was one weekend when we had a whole bunch
Speaker 2: of friends visiting. So I had friends from across the
Speaker 2: country staying at our house and Kai had invited her friends,
Speaker 2: including Sam, and we all went to this queer club
Speaker 2: to go dancing, and we all got pretty tipsy, and
Speaker 2: I remember Kai bringing up the idea of a threesome.
Speaker 1: A threesome Devin nearly choked on her drink.
Speaker 2: And to be clear, the threesome that Kai wanted to
Speaker 2: have was with Sam. It was kind of poised as, hey,
Speaker 2: I want to be with somebody who's sextually opening this
Speaker 2: way and wants to have a threesome. I said that
Speaker 2: I wasn't interested. I didn't really want to do that.
Speaker 1: But then Ki pushed back. She said she wanted them
Speaker 1: to have a new sexual experience together as a couple.
Speaker 1: That was really important to her. And all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: this wasn't about the threesome. It was about being the
Speaker 1: person Kai wanted her to be.
Speaker 2: And I remember her almost yelling at me, I want
Speaker 2: to be with somebody who wants to do that. I
Speaker 2: felt super upset. I just burst out into tears and
Speaker 2: I ran into the bathroom.
Speaker 1: This had never come up before, and Devin didn't have
Speaker 1: any time to think it through because Kai didn't want
Speaker 1: to wait. She wanted to do it that same night.
Speaker 1: After that conversation, Kai floated away. They all kept drinking.
Speaker 1: Soon everyone moved to the dance floor.
Speaker 2: And the next thing I remember, Sam was dancing with
Speaker 2: me in a very sexual way that wasn't fully consensual
Speaker 2: on my part, and I felt so awkward in that moment,
Speaker 2: and I also didn't really know how to say no.
Speaker 1: Finally, they all left the bar and headed back to
Speaker 1: Devin and Kai's house. A bunch of their friends were
Speaker 1: crashing at their place.
Speaker 2: We get home and next thing I know, Sam has
Speaker 2: jumped into my bed where I was with Kai, and
Speaker 2: then they just start having sex in front of me.
Speaker 1: Devin felt pressured to join them.
Speaker 2: Because Kai just made this huge deal about like, you're
Speaker 2: not the person for me if you don't want to
Speaker 2: do this.
Speaker 1: So she reluctantly went along with it.
Speaker 2: I remember watching Sam go down on Kai and I
Speaker 2: just had this like awareness hit me. This is not
Speaker 2: the first time they've done this.
Speaker 1: One night, Devin's girlfriend Kai told her she wanted to
Speaker 1: have a threesome with their friend Sam, and.
Speaker 2: I felt immense pressure to go along with it.
Speaker 1: The next thing she knew, Sam joined her and Kai
Speaker 1: in bed.
Speaker 2: There was just like this like weird vibe where it
Speaker 2: felt as if it was almost like competitive, like who
Speaker 2: is better at sex, but.
Speaker 1: Then seeing Kai and Sam have sex, Devin had a
Speaker 1: disturbing realization.
Speaker 2: The way that they were acting sexually together. It became
Speaker 2: so obvious in that moment that that was not the
Speaker 2: first time that they had had sex.
Speaker 1: Devin felt sick and frozen.
Speaker 2: I can still feel in my body, it felt like
Speaker 2: rocks in my stomach. And if I could turn back time,
Speaker 2: I would have stood.
Speaker 1: Up for myself then, but in the moment, she felt trapped.
Speaker 2: At some point it all stopped, and then we all
Speaker 2: went to bed in the same bed, and I just remember,
Speaker 2: like hardly sleeping that night. I just remember laying on
Speaker 2: the pillow, kind of turned away from them, wondering what
Speaker 2: I'd just done, what I'd just been a part of
Speaker 2: questioning to myself, was I consenting? Was I not consenting?
Speaker 2: I was super confused.
Speaker 1: The next day was a blur for Devin.
Speaker 2: I felt completely dissociated.
Speaker 1: Something was deeply wrong.
Speaker 2: I'd seen something, but it felt very intimidating to address
Speaker 2: what had just happened.
Speaker 1: Her gut told her it wasn't safe to confront Kai directly.
Speaker 1: She didn't have any proof Kai was cheating on her
Speaker 1: with Sam, just her intuition even' suggested they try couple's therapy,
Speaker 1: and she.
Speaker 2: Did show up for a session, and I just remember
Speaker 2: crying through the whole session, and my therapist afterwards, in
Speaker 2: a session with just me, she said, I don't know
Speaker 2: how much empathy she has, And hearing a professional say
Speaker 2: that was really helpful to me, because then I started
Speaker 2: to see things a little more clearly. I realized that
Speaker 2: the relationship was not working for me.
Speaker 1: Devin had a feeling Kai would not react well to
Speaker 1: a breakup, so she decided to have the conversation in
Speaker 1: a public place. She invited Kai to meet her at
Speaker 1: a restaurant to talk. Once they were seated at their table,
Speaker 1: Devin took a deep breath and told Kai.
Speaker 2: I really love you. I really tried. I think we
Speaker 2: both really tried. Our relationship's not working. I think we
Speaker 2: need to break up. And her response was really short.
Speaker 2: She just said, like okay, and then got on her
Speaker 2: bike and left.
Speaker 1: It was jarring. Devin left the restaurant feeling uneasy. She
Speaker 1: went back to their house, but Kai had gotten there first.
Speaker 2: She took a knife and slashed through a kissing picture
Speaker 2: of us and had faced it out, So it was
Speaker 2: the first thing that I saw when I came back
Speaker 2: into the house. She took toilet paper rolls and dropped
Speaker 2: them in all the toilets, and she wrote on our whiteboard,
Speaker 2: I'll send my terms.
Speaker 1: Devin didn't know if Kai was coming back. She waited anxiously.
Speaker 2: I was really unsettled that night. I know she had left,
Speaker 2: I didn't know where she went. I went into my
Speaker 2: room and I brought a kitchen chair. I wedged the
Speaker 2: chair up under the door handle, and I also brought
Speaker 2: the kitchen knife in with me and put it under
Speaker 2: my pillow. There was a part of me that didn't
Speaker 2: think she would ever do anything to hurt me, But
Speaker 2: then there was a part of me that really did
Speaker 2: not know.
Speaker 1: The next day Kai returned, they thought about who would
Speaker 1: move out, Devin or Kai. The truth was neither of
Speaker 1: them could afford to move out right away. Devin couldn't
Speaker 1: get away from the feeling that Kai had been lying
Speaker 1: to her, so she started looking for proof. That's when
Speaker 1: she found a handwritten note in Kai's room. It was
Speaker 1: from Sam.
Speaker 2: I actually found a love letter from Sam to Kai
Speaker 2: that said that she wanted to grow old with her
Speaker 2: and have their dreams come true. And I also found
Speaker 2: a video of them making out from when I had
Speaker 2: gone away for a day trip and they were in
Speaker 2: our house making out.
Speaker 1: Devin stared at the video and the love letter, stunned.
Speaker 2: It was almost like the dissonance that I had been
Speaker 2: surviving under came crashing together in that moment. I just
Speaker 2: started shaking. I didn't stop shaking for twelve hours.
Speaker 1: Devin decided to confront Kai, already broken up, but she
Speaker 1: needed to know the truth about what had been happening
Speaker 1: between Kai and Sam.
Speaker 2: We sat on the white couch and then I just
Speaker 2: showed her the video and then she was like, oh, well,
Speaker 2: like we were just pretending you're you know, we were
Speaker 2: play acting. And then once she realized I wasn't buying
Speaker 2: those lies, then she changed it to that was the
Speaker 2: only time. It was a mistake. That's all we did
Speaker 2: was kiss and it was just that one time. At
Speaker 2: that point, it was just offensive. I was like, do
Speaker 2: you really think I'm not stupid?
Speaker 1: After that, Devin expected Kai to move out of her
Speaker 1: own volition, but Kai refused to leave. What followed was
Speaker 1: a month that Devin describes as one of the hardest
Speaker 1: of her life. Kai was trying everything to get Devin
Speaker 1: to stay with her. She was emotionally volatile, alternating between
Speaker 1: extreme affection and manipulation. Devin was scared of her, but
Speaker 1: she was also stuck living with her. She felt trapped.
Speaker 2: Kai would fluctuate between trying to get me to stay
Speaker 2: with her and even initiating sex, and in that month
Speaker 2: I felt emotionally unsafe, physically unsafe, but I also felt
Speaker 2: sexually unsafe.
Speaker 1: Eventually, Kai decided to move out, but on the day
Speaker 1: she came to pick up the last of her things,
Speaker 1: she had a breakdown.
Speaker 2: She proposed to me on a whim and starts like crying,
Speaker 2: and then very quickly changes her demeanor into this like
Speaker 2: very angry, cold person. And then I hear this noise
Speaker 2: and I look out the window and she's smashing her
Speaker 2: guitar in the driveway. I got scared, and so I
Speaker 2: locked the door, and she says, hey, I don't have
Speaker 2: my keys. I need to come in and get my keys.
Speaker 2: And I paused because I didn't feel safe, and then
Speaker 2: she's like, no, no, I just need to come in
Speaker 2: and get my keys, and so I unlocked the door
Speaker 2: and she pushes it open and then she stands right
Speaker 2: in front of me, and her eyes changed and they
Speaker 2: got very cold, and she said, I didn't leave my keys.
Speaker 2: I actually felt chills at that moment. I just I
Speaker 2: knew she wasn't safe, and I knew if I poked
Speaker 2: her in any way, I was not going to be safe.
Speaker 1: Devin stayed calm until Kai finally left. When she was alone,
Speaker 1: she slumped to the ground and began to cry. She'd
Speaker 1: been with Kai for almost three years, but below the
Speaker 1: sadness there was anger. Anger at Kai, and anger at Sam,
Speaker 1: she had considered a friend. She decided to send Sam
Speaker 1: a message, and.
Speaker 2: I said, I'm so hurt that you did this, that
Speaker 2: you kind of inserted yourself into my relationship with Kai.
Speaker 2: I don't know how you could do this to me
Speaker 2: and pretend to be like a friend to me.
Speaker 1: It was cathartic to get some emotion out when she did.
Speaker 1: I didn't hear from Sam for a few weeks. Devin
Speaker 1: assumed that was the end of it. Months went by
Speaker 1: until one day Devin got a notification.
Speaker 2: I get a message from Sam that says, thank you
Speaker 2: for reaching out to me. Your message helped me listen
Speaker 2: to my gut, and if you're willing to I'd like
Speaker 2: to meet up and talk about a few things, because
Speaker 2: I thought that I was Kai's only girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Devin reread the words, I thought I was Kai's only girlfriend.
Speaker 2: I was shocked. What Kaya told me was that Sam
Speaker 2: had inserted herself. She had orchestrated the threesome. It was
Speaker 2: all her. She's touchy, flirty, you know. Kai wasn't even
Speaker 2: attracted to her.
Speaker 1: But now it was becoming clear that was very far
Speaker 1: from the truth. Devin and Sam had a lot to
Speaker 1: talk about, so Devin invited her over to her place.
Speaker 1: They split a bottle of wine, and for the first time,
Speaker 1: Devin heard the story from Sam's perspective.
Speaker 2: The last ten months of my relationship with Kai, when
Speaker 2: we were still living together and I thought exclusive and monogamous.
Speaker 2: Sam was also dating Kai and thought that they were
Speaker 2: exclusive and monogamous. Kai had maintained both of us as
Speaker 2: her girlfriend, and we both thought we were her only
Speaker 2: girlfriend for ten months. At that point, the rage just
Speaker 2: set in. My blood started to boil because I thought
Speaker 2: that I had understood the depth of the betrayal, but
Speaker 2: I hadn't.
Speaker 1: It turns out Kai had been pretending that Devin was
Speaker 1: her ex girlfriend.
Speaker 2: Kai had told Sam that she couldn't afford to move
Speaker 2: out yet, and that's why we had different rooms, that
Speaker 2: we weren't girlfriends anymore, and that supposedly the reason that
Speaker 2: we'd broken up was that I had cheated on her
Speaker 2: with my best friend. The audacity of that lie incensed me.
Speaker 2: I was infuriated that she would make me out to
Speaker 2: be the villain.
Speaker 1: Most people, when they're cheating, go to great lengths to
Speaker 1: keep their partners away from each other, but Kai did
Speaker 1: the opposite. She brought Devin and Sam together as often
Speaker 1: as she could, even instigating the threesome. She seemed to
Speaker 1: enjoy the power that came with being the only one
Speaker 1: in the know. The more they talked, the more they
Speaker 1: discovered just how organized and systematic Kai was in her deception.
Speaker 2: Kai had actually sinked both of our Google calendars up
Speaker 2: to her calendar, so she knew where both of us
Speaker 2: were at any given time, so she could figure out
Speaker 2: when Sam could be over at the house for them
Speaker 2: to have sex and you not walk in on them.
Speaker 1: It just kept getting worse and worse.
Speaker 2: I'd stopped being hurt. I was just pissed.
Speaker 1: Devin and Sam realized they'd both been lied to. So
Speaker 1: they decided to work together to expose Kai.
Speaker 2: I think that that helped reclaim a sense of empowerment.
Speaker 1: If Kai was so willing to lie to both of them,
Speaker 1: what else was she hiding? Devin and Sam went into
Speaker 1: investigation mode.
Speaker 2: I wanted to get to the truth. So what I
Speaker 2: did after meeting with Sam was I actually reached out
Speaker 2: to everybody that knew Kai and asked if they'd be
Speaker 2: willing to meet with me.
Speaker 1: Many of Kai's friends agreed. Devin met with them one
Speaker 1: by one. Slowly she began to piece together the full
Speaker 1: picture of Kai's deception. Kai had been lying to Devin
Speaker 1: from the very beginning, starting with the story she told
Speaker 1: her about Melissa.
Speaker 2: They had been living together as girlfriends when Kai had
Speaker 2: started pursuing me. Kai would tell Melissa that I was
Speaker 2: a student at her college, and she said we were
Speaker 2: in the same class together and that she was going
Speaker 2: to go study with me.
Speaker 1: Devin had comforted Kai through the end of her friendship
Speaker 1: with Melissa, but now Devin realized that hadn't been a
Speaker 1: friendship gone wrong. It was a breakup and the.
Speaker 2: Car that she would drive was Melissa's car, So when
Speaker 2: it disappeared and Kai told me she'd given it to
Speaker 2: her brother in this generous gift she hadn't given to anybody.
Speaker 1: Kai was following a script, telling each new woman she
Speaker 1: was pursuing that her long term girlfriend was just a roommate,
Speaker 1: and she told her long term girlfriend that the women
Speaker 1: she was pursuing were just friends. When her long term
Speaker 1: relationship crumbled, she moved in with a new woman and
Speaker 1: repeated the cycle.
Speaker 2: I really started to see this pattern that she had
Speaker 2: been using for years, most likely before even Melissa. What
Speaker 2: I was going on with her was deef seated and
Speaker 2: cyclical and not going to change.
Speaker 1: As Devin and Sam continued reaching out to Kai's old friends,
Speaker 1: they found out a lot of them weren't just friends.
Speaker 1: They'd been hooking up with Kai too.
Speaker 2: She had been having sex with a number of other
Speaker 2: people while both of us had been dating her.
Speaker 1: Devin was able to confirm evidence of Kai cheating on
Speaker 1: her with four other women, though she suspects it's upwards
Speaker 1: of nine.
Speaker 2: Kai actually brought them not only to our house, but
Speaker 2: into my bed and used our sex toys. It made
Speaker 2: my skin crawl. It just felt so violating and so unsafe.
Speaker 1: Kai put Devin's sexual health at risk.
Speaker 2: I was really concerned. I remember scheduling a full sexual
Speaker 2: health checkup once I found out I did have a
Speaker 2: PAP that tested abnormal after this experience, and fortunately it
Speaker 2: resolved itself after about a year. It felt like an
Speaker 2: additional betrayal.
Speaker 1: Devin thought back to the quirks and Kai's behavior that
Speaker 1: she'd brushed aside, like how Kai was always running late,
Speaker 1: or why she'd taken down that photo of them kissing
Speaker 1: while Devin was out of town. Now it made sense
Speaker 1: Kai had other women coming over to their house when
Speaker 1: Devin wasn't there.
Speaker 2: She just had all of these like flings while she
Speaker 2: also had these ongoing relationships, So she was good at this.
Speaker 2: She'd been doing this for a long time.
Speaker 1: Devin and Sam were so outraged they decided to go
Speaker 1: straight to the source of all the chaos.
Speaker 2: We actually confronted Kai together. We called her while we
Speaker 2: were together, and she picks up the phone and she's like,
Speaker 2: oh hey, Like no emotion, no nothing.
Speaker 1: They told Kai they knew what she'd done to them.
Speaker 1: They knew about her pattern of pretending her girlfriend was
Speaker 1: her roommate while she courted someone new, all the people
Speaker 1: she cheated with, and all the lies she told to
Speaker 1: cover it all up. They knew everything.
Speaker 2: The reaction that I think we might have been hoping
Speaker 2: for was some sort of remorse or some sort of accountability,
Speaker 2: and just nothing. It was almost like this chess game
Speaker 2: and it was checkmate, and she didn't really care that
Speaker 2: we figured it out. At that point, we both got
Speaker 2: really pissed. We were just chess pieces to her. It
Speaker 2: almost felt like I stepped out of my real life
Speaker 2: and I was in a movie about a con artist
Speaker 2: or something.
Speaker 1: Kai was already onto her next girlfriend. She didn't need
Speaker 1: Devin or Sam. Then it dawned on Devin. For Ki,
Speaker 1: this wasn't about love. It was about convenience. Kai had
Speaker 1: a rotating cast of way and helping take care of
Speaker 1: her needs. It was like musical chairs, and she didn't
Speaker 1: seem to care where she landed.
Speaker 2: I think her con was actually like getting her dog
Speaker 2: taken care of, having somebody who's buying groceries, having somebody
Speaker 2: who is maintaining a stable household that she could come
Speaker 2: and go from.
Speaker 1: Kai would let her girlfriends cook for her, clean up
Speaker 1: after her, and drive her around.
Speaker 2: It was about having her other needs met, but it
Speaker 2: was also about having a very respectable looking life so
Speaker 2: that she could go out and do the stuff she
Speaker 2: really wanted to do.
Speaker 1: While Kai's girlfriends kept her life afloat, she secretly destroyed theirs.
Speaker 1: Devin and Sam wanted to break Kai's pattern. Clearly, Kai
Speaker 1: herself was not interested in that, but there was one
Speaker 1: more person that Devin and Sam knew would be interested
Speaker 1: in the information they'd gathered Kai's knew girlfriend.
Speaker 2: Sam knew who her next person was because she had
Speaker 2: talked about this new person a lot, and neither of
Speaker 2: us had her contact information, so we actually reached out
Speaker 2: on LinkedIn, so it was like a few characters. It
Speaker 2: was like, you know, she's not who she says she is.
Speaker 2: She dated multiple people at once, call me if you
Speaker 2: want any information. Devin hits end crickets for months, and
Speaker 2: then finally I got a message back from her and
Speaker 2: she was like, Hey, I really appreciate you reaching out,
Speaker 2: and it helped me listen to my gut more quickly
Speaker 2: and end it with Kai. And I don't think I
Speaker 2: would have seen that so quickly without you.
Speaker 1: It was meaningful to know that they had protected someone
Speaker 1: from Kai's cycle of deception. It felt like the natural
Speaker 1: end of Devin's investigation now came the next step her
Speaker 1: own healing.
Speaker 2: You know, looking back on my journaling of the whole relationship,
Speaker 2: it's almost like watching a bad horror film where the
Speaker 2: protagonist is like walking through the house being like hello, Hello,
Speaker 2: is anyone here? You know, and you're like screaming at
Speaker 2: the screen. They're right behind you.
Speaker 1: Devin began untangling her life and identity from Kai. She
Speaker 1: invested her energy back into herself, her friendships, and her work.
Speaker 1: For years, she told herself that the threesome with Sam
Speaker 1: and Kai was not a big deal and rationalized her
Speaker 1: own discomfort away. But as time went on, she started
Speaker 1: to be honest about the impact it had on her.
Speaker 2: I started to perceive it the way I really experienced it,
Speaker 2: which was not consensually, which was very high on the
Speaker 2: coercion scale, a lot of alcohol involved, My people, pleasing
Speaker 2: was at an all time max. I recognized that it
Speaker 2: was trauma, and I did do EMDR specifically around that
Speaker 2: traumatic event. And I remember when she started, they have
Speaker 2: you do a scale of one to ten in terms
Speaker 2: of activation, and it was a ten. My body went
Speaker 2: back to that place of feeling powerless and kind of
Speaker 2: trapped and by the end of the session we had
Speaker 2: it down to a three. I'm really grateful that I
Speaker 2: had the courage to go back into it and try
Speaker 2: to shift that trauma so it wouldn't live on in
Speaker 2: me with too much power.
Speaker 1: One day, a couple of years later, Devan was waiting
Speaker 1: for the subway when she looked up and saw Kai.
Speaker 2: I saw her, and she saw me, and she walked
Speaker 2: away from me to the next car. And that felt empowering,
Speaker 2: like this person who I had been scared of, who
Speaker 2: I gave so much power to and so much control
Speaker 2: to for such a long time, wasn't going to try
Speaker 2: to manipulate me anymore. I didn't even want to approach
Speaker 2: me anymore.
Speaker 1: When Kai left their apartment for the last time, she
Speaker 1: said something to Devin that echoed in her brain for years.
Speaker 2: She said to me, nobody's ever going to love you
Speaker 2: like I do. And for a moment I questioned if
Speaker 2: she was right, like I didn't know what a healthy
Speaker 2: relationship looked, or felt like maybe that was the best
Speaker 2: I was going to get. And then I had just
Speaker 2: had this strong, strong, no take over my body.
Speaker 1: Like always, She used her journal to help her envision
Speaker 1: the kind of relationship she did want.
Speaker 2: I wrote, I will have a healthy, loving partnership with
Speaker 2: someone I love and I trust we will communicate and
Speaker 2: seek to know each other deeply. She's out there. I
Speaker 2: just have to stay on the path and let the
Speaker 2: universe know that I'm ready.
Speaker 1: It's been over a decade since Devin's relationship with Kai. Today,
Speaker 1: Devin has that loving partnership she imagined.
Speaker 2: I found her. I found her, and I have a
Speaker 2: six month old baby, and if I listened to what
Speaker 2: Kai said back then, I wouldn't have and I'm very
Speaker 2: grateful to have the life that I have now.
Speaker 1: We end every weekly episode with the same question, why
Speaker 1: do you want to share your story?
Speaker 2: It takes a lot for me to get to a
Speaker 2: place of anger, but I will have my own back
Speaker 2: when it comes down to it. I think as women,
Speaker 2: we are socialized to doubt ourselves and to go along
Speaker 2: to get along. This experience was an invitation to really
Speaker 2: learn to trust myself. I learned what the feeling of
Speaker 2: intuition is in my body, and I also learned how
Speaker 2: bad it feels to shove it down.
Speaker 1: On the next episode of Betrayal Weekly, I.
Speaker 3: Just felt like all the breath had been stolen out
Speaker 3: of my body? How do we have these completely differ,
Speaker 3: diferent stories? Do I have my own story wrong?
Speaker 1: If you'd like to share your story on Betrayal, please
Speaker 1: email Betrayalpod at gmail dot com. That is Betrayal Pod
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. Please note that we are not
Speaker 1: a mental health organization. If you are in crisis or
Speaker 1: currently experiencing domestic violence, we encourage you to seek local
Speaker 1: help or dial nine to one one. Please contact organizations
Speaker 1: that offer immediate support. In our show notes, we've included
Speaker 1: a list of US based resources. You can follow us
Speaker 1: on Instagram at betrayal Pod or find me at It's
Speaker 1: Andrea Gunning. To access our newsletter and additional content, and
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Speaker 1: thank you to all of our listeners. Betrayal is a
Speaker 1: production of Glass Podcasts, a division of Glass Entertainment Group,
Speaker 1: in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. The show is executive produced
Speaker 1: by Nancy Glass and Jennifer Fason, hosted and produced by
Speaker 1: me Andrea Gunning, written and produced by Olivia Hewitt. Our
Speaker 1: story editor is Monique Lebord, also produced by Ben Fetterman.
Speaker 1: Our associate producer is Leah Jablo. Production management by Kristin Melcurie,
Speaker 1: Booking support by Curry Richmond. Our iHeart team is Ali
Speaker 1: Perry and Jessica Crimecheck. Audio editing by Tanner Robbins with
Speaker 1: additional editing and mixing by Matt Delbecchio. Betrayal's theme composed
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