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Speaker 1: I would pray a certain prayer that always got answered,

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Speaker 1: Well what is it? That prayer was something like, if

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Speaker 1: this is not who and where I'm supposed to stay

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Speaker 1: or be, let me know, knock me down if you

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Speaker 1: have to. I'll know, I'll hear you. I'll accept that

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Speaker 1: it is you. I'll know that it was you, and

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Speaker 1: I can walk away with the knowing as opposed to

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Speaker 1: guessing or fear or anything else. Right, And so I

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Speaker 1: would just pray that, like, just knock me down if

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Speaker 1: you have to, please take it to rip it out

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Speaker 1: of my hands, if you must, wow, Because there was

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Speaker 1: a time when it was like that would have had

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Speaker 1: to be the case. I prayed that prayer and I

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Speaker 1: was like, I mean, it just all started revealing itself.

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Speaker 2: This episode of Viral Podcast is powered by boost Mobile.

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Speaker 3: All right, guys, here we go. We got Rammy nominated

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Speaker 3: songwriter and artist. She has crafted song for Britney Spears,

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Speaker 3: Mary J.

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Speaker 2: Blish Year, The pussy Cat Dolls, Chris Brown, so many

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Speaker 2: more before she delivered.

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Speaker 3: Her own smash hits, which she has. But she has

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Speaker 3: taken a fifteen year hiatus and she is back.

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Speaker 1: In these streets.

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Speaker 2: Well you know, yes, back in the streets getting ready

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Speaker 2: for a new project, and her return is centered around

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Speaker 2: new priorities of integrity, freedom and purpose.

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Speaker 3: Please welcome the amazing Carrie. I'll send to the edge

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Speaker 3: Martina darl thank you.

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Speaker 1: Hi carry hi Angie.

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Speaker 3: Fifteen years is not a small little hiatus. God look amazing.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 2: Because when you would say normally to someone the fifth

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Speaker 2: after they took a fifteen year hiatus.

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Speaker 1: They might look very different.

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Speaker 3: They might look very different. I feel like you look

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Speaker 3: exactly the same. Really I do.

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Speaker 1: I'll take it.

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Speaker 3: I'll take it.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel the same, you know, and I don't

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Speaker 1: feel that I look the same either.

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Speaker 3: What feels different, ah, from whatever, from.

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Speaker 2: Whatever our sit down was, fifteen years or sixteen years ago,

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Speaker 2: whenever it was.

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Speaker 3: What feels different?

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Speaker 1: So much the world? Yeah that's number one the world.

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Speaker 1: But you as a woman, Me as a woman, I

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Speaker 1: feel older. I feel like my bones, my hips don't

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Speaker 1: move the way you feel. Yeah, I mean on stage

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Speaker 1: like not wait a minute, now, wait a minute, this

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Speaker 1: is the same routine I've been doing all this time.

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Speaker 1: I need some like lubricant. I can tell to stretch her.

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Speaker 1: I mean I always stretch before I go on stage.

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Speaker 1: But now I gotta stretch a little longer.

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Speaker 3: For sure.

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Speaker 1: I just feel I do feel a lot more mature.

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Speaker 1: I feel a lot more like self aware than I

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Speaker 1: was then. Very comfortable, comfortable, very confident. Like all of

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Speaker 1: that is really sounds cliche, but it's the truth.

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Speaker 3: No, it really is true.

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Speaker 2: That's definitely with fifteen by the way, it's not after

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Speaker 2: fifteen years, especially right, especially when you think about taking time.

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Speaker 2: There's so much pressure when you have some success, right,

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Speaker 2: it's like, uh, I'm sure the label people were like,

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Speaker 2: what's next, come on, hurry up, and so tell me

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Speaker 2: about what that moment? Was there a moment? Was it

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Speaker 2: a decision or did it just kind of happen this break?

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Speaker 2: Was it like intentional or was it circumstance?

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Speaker 1: Like what was the thing? It was many things. It

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Speaker 1: was like an avalanche effect for me just wanting to

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Speaker 1: take I think I said six months off, I was

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Speaker 1: coming out of an eleven year breakup. And that wasn't

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Speaker 1: the only catalyst. I was alsowithstanding a lot of professional

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Speaker 1: blows to the in the public eye, and it was

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Speaker 1: just heavy and it was at the height of like

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Speaker 1: pretty good rock and then one night stand and like

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Speaker 1: I had immense success, right, and I was like at

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Speaker 1: the top of the mountain as far as like who

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Speaker 1: I'm being named amongst the stages and the carpets and

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Speaker 1: the you know, the places that I've been invited and

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Speaker 1: all the things. Right, So it was like my dream

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Speaker 1: was absolutely like unfolding before my very eyes, but there

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Speaker 1: were so many other things pulling me down, and so

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Speaker 1: it's a breakup. It was, you know, being forced to

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Speaker 1: do things I didn't want to do, like you know,

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Speaker 1: me having to stand proud and carpets and sometimes be

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Speaker 1: taunted by the interviewer or you know, if I'm at

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Speaker 1: radio or if I'm met you know, on a carpet

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Speaker 1: or whatever, and just feeling like, oh my god, I'm

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Speaker 1: like I felt like public enemy number one. You know,

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Speaker 1: it felt like that for me, and I'm like, this

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Speaker 1: is not how I saw it going.

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Speaker 2: And it's so funny because when you came in too,

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Speaker 2: that I was like, she's talked about it so much.

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Speaker 2: It's probably not something we'll go down, but it just

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Speaker 2: feels like an elephant that it's like, is this because

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Speaker 2: of this one moment?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds so small, but like when you're the

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Speaker 1: person living it. It's really really you can't escape it. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm in the center of it. I'm the the epicenter

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Speaker 1: of I had to stand alone in it in something

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Speaker 1: that I didn't choose or didn't decide.

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Speaker 2: Just so I get the full thing I want to do.

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Speaker 2: There was a there was a song you put out.

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Speaker 2: You said you were covering up for people about this song,

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Speaker 2: but it sparked.

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Speaker 3: Was it? Was it even a diss record? Was it

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Speaker 3: even that it was?

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Speaker 1: I guess so yeah, I mean that's what they called it,

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Speaker 1: So I guess that's what it is.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So this moment happens, Yeah, you didn't feel good.

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Speaker 2: Did you feel good about it or not?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 1: No, no, you didn't feel good. Moment didn't write like

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Speaker 1: the worst parts. I had to like patch it up.

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Speaker 1: I was literally threatened, not physically, but professionally threatened to

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Speaker 1: do it. And it's like I remember saying, I'm a

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Speaker 1: like I was an athlete. When I was coming into fame,

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Speaker 1: I was also coming off the court, so I was

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Speaker 1: I just remember arguing, like, I'm a finesse player. I

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Speaker 1: don't have to play dirty, I don't have to say

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Speaker 1: anything about anybody else. I can put my blinders on

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Speaker 1: and win the game with fundamentals. That's not this shock job,

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Speaker 1: you know, doing things for shock value and belittling another

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Speaker 1: black woman or any other black or any other women period.

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Speaker 1: Like that's not who I am. And I definitely tried.

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Speaker 1: I tried to fight. I guess I didn't have enough

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Speaker 1: or it would truth be told. It's there's power dynamics involved,

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Speaker 1: you know, when you aren't in control of your career

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Speaker 1: and you're not the only cook in the kitchen and

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Speaker 1: there are cooks like you're just a sous chef, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean, just kind of it's really what

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Speaker 1: it was. You just have you have no you're especially

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Speaker 1: when it's presented in a certain way, you don't have

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Speaker 1: a choice.

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Speaker 3: Let's just say it.

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Speaker 2: Let's just even say And it's what's more fascinating interesting

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Speaker 2: to me just as a woman going through that. It's

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Speaker 2: like we all in our lives, not every moment is

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Speaker 2: our best decision.

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Speaker 1: That's true to you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: We all do things that you know, if you think

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Speaker 2: about your life ten years ago, you'd be like, oh,

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Speaker 2: why did I do that?

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Speaker 3: That was dumb?

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Speaker 2: I shouldn't have did that, Or yeah, that's not my character.

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Speaker 2: I got a lot of pocket right there. I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of people will have moments like that in

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Speaker 2: there less.

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Speaker 3: However, go ahead, what we're gonna say.

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Speaker 1: When it's your choice, when it's something you chose to do,

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Speaker 1: it feels different. You wear that different. You can accept it.

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Speaker 1: You can acknowledge it and come to a place of

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Speaker 1: acceptance when you're forced into something you don't believe in

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Speaker 1: or didn't choose to do, or weren't like you didn't

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Speaker 1: trick yourself like you know, I mean you. That is different.

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Speaker 1: That is a different kind of regret.

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Speaker 3: Got it, got it, got it, got it.

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Speaker 2: So the regret is what that you didn't stand up

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Speaker 2: for yourself, fight harder or I don't even know what

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Speaker 2: I could have done to be honest, but yeah, Like

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Speaker 2: the regret is I.

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Speaker 1: Guess not not putting my voice to those words, hearing

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Speaker 1: that I remember being like shocked, sitting in that studio,

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Speaker 1: like and the first thing I said was, I'm not

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Speaker 1: singing that. Let me write something else. I'm not singing

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Speaker 1: that someone else had written it. I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying that. So I ended up like trying to

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Speaker 1: like change some of the lyrics and it softer.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you know.

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Speaker 1: Because I already had Actually I knew that I had

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Speaker 1: to write a remix. I knew that I was coming

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Speaker 1: to the studio. I was on tour, we left tour,

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Speaker 1: we had a little break, and I was coming and

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Speaker 1: writing remix to the record. I'm thinking it was about guys.

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking I'm going to stay on subject, but like

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Speaker 1: write different verses.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Song is called turning me on, turning me off, So

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Speaker 1: that's what I was thinking. So I had pieces that

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Speaker 1: I wanted. I come in and I'm like, what is this.

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Speaker 3: What?

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Speaker 1: So I guess it's just the ultimate thing of like

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Speaker 1: putting my voice on that song. Just I was in teared,

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Speaker 1: like just not doing it, just not doing it. I

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Speaker 1: think that was the only choice that I had, and

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Speaker 1: that was probably the biggest regret.

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Speaker 2: I just think that sometimes in our life, whether it

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Speaker 2: was your I mean, things happen, right, and then I

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Speaker 2: just think when you're inside of the world and there's

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Speaker 2: so much energy around it. I just wonder what that

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Speaker 2: did to you, like when you take time and then

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Speaker 2: go home.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's my dream, like I had dreamt about that.

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Speaker 3: It does that still?

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Speaker 1: Yeah wow?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but what is that that?

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Speaker 1: It's you you were leading me to remember, like how

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Speaker 1: it felt. And all I could think about was me

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Speaker 1: being a little girl with a karaoke machine and watching

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Speaker 1: like Star Search and Apollo and like, you know, seeing

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Speaker 1: people do their Grammy speeches and do all this stuff,

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Speaker 1: and and also like someone enjoying, like enjoying the people

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Speaker 1: that you have me talking about, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: being a fan of them. Thank you because thank you. Sorry, No,

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Speaker 1: it's okay. I didn't expect it.

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Speaker 3: I didn't know. I didn't. I didn't either. I just

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Speaker 3: feel like I feel like that's a moment. It's a moment.

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Speaker 2: And so to talk about everything else without pinnacle, that's

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Speaker 2: what I mean, because it wasn't really my intention to

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Speaker 2: even talk about it today. But I don't know how

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Speaker 2: we talk about how you come out of that and

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Speaker 2: how it affects you in health, because.

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Speaker 3: It was a big thing for you. It wasn't a

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Speaker 3: it wasn't a did.

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Speaker 1: It never went away. Wow, And that's probably because I

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Speaker 1: never talked about it. I never got to I never

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Speaker 1: wanted to out anybody. I just I really so badly

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Speaker 1: wanted it to disappear. I wanted it to go away,

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Speaker 1: and I thought I was kind of told like, if

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Speaker 1: you just don't say anything, like, it'll disappear. But it

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Speaker 1: never did. I wore a scarlet letter and in my heart,

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Speaker 1: in my like, I was like, this is not the

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Speaker 1: trajectory I saw my career on having to fight something

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Speaker 1: stupid that I didn't even choose for myself for this long.

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Speaker 1: So it was just it was awful. It was awful.

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Speaker 1: I had nightmares like it was awful. And so that's

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Speaker 1: the other part of stepping away was just I was

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Speaker 1: depressed when I should have been the happiest.

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Speaker 3: Because you had just had so much success.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was still in this success. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: What is the depression rooted?

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Speaker 2: Is you feel feel that you let yourself down, You

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Speaker 2: feel like you let somebody up, like or was it

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Speaker 2: just abuse, like people attacking you so much?

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Speaker 3: Like what was it all that?

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Speaker 1: All of that and probably more that you didn't mention that. Uh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's just all of it. I was so disappointed in

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Speaker 1: the people who I thought understood me, the people who

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Speaker 1: held my career in their hands. I thought they knew

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Speaker 1: who I was. I thought they saw and cared who

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Speaker 1: I am and the integrity that I have and had

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Speaker 1: respect for all that I had gone through to get

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Speaker 1: to the point that I was in.

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Speaker 3: I thought that to any of the other parties involved

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Speaker 3: ever apologized to you, really.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm being no, No, you're still the bad guy.

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Speaker 1: I'm still I'm not the bad guy. But they just won't.

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Speaker 1: There is no level of I did get something that

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Speaker 1: I guess I accepted as an apology. One of the

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Speaker 1: guys involved told me something like, I shouldn't have forced

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Speaker 1: you to be like me. I shouldn't have forced you

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Speaker 1: to be like me. I shouldn't have forced you to

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Speaker 1: think like me and to behave and act and react,

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Speaker 1: you know, like me. And he said I did that

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Speaker 1: to another artist too, and I see the error in

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Speaker 1: my ways, you know what I mean. But it was

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Speaker 1: not like, hey, I'm sorry. There was no like because

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Speaker 1: I've been trying to tell him, like what I go through,

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Speaker 1: what I've gone through. And it was actually in twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty when we were all sat down that I got

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Speaker 1: even that much, So that was very recent. I withstood

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Speaker 1: all of that alone, Like, there was so many times

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Speaker 1: I wanted to cry standing somewhere feeling embarrassed, feeling ashamed

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Speaker 1: of myself, and I couldn't, like stand tall. I couldn't.

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Speaker 1: I did physically, but inside I.

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Speaker 3: Was just why, Like what was that?

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Speaker 1: Just shame? Just shame?

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Speaker 3: Really?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? I think shame weighs a lot. You have you embarrassment?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it is kind me. I can't believe that it

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Speaker 1: is coming up much, but I think revisiting it, yeah,

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Speaker 1: recalling it. I don't do that often, so I guess

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Speaker 1: that's why this comes up every time.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I get that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And people think, I don't know, they think celebrities or

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Speaker 3: of your published figure.

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Speaker 2: There's no you know, whatever the posts are, the comments

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Speaker 2: are that there's not a human on the other side.

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Speaker 1: Right, I'm not a stone pile of feathers.

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Speaker 3: And because you came in before, just a girl, you

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00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,360
Speaker 3: came in before kind of like the explosion of what

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Speaker 3: social media is now.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and do you remember you're the reason I got Twitter.

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Speaker 1: You forced me to get a Twitter because that's on air.

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Speaker 3: I did that? You did that?

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Speaker 1: Well? No, it was good, it was good.

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Speaker 3: Sorry, it was great. I kind of remember that. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: oh god, wait.

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Speaker 1: What was your station?

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Speaker 3: What was it?

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00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:07,800
Speaker 1: Though?

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Speaker 3: You tweeted something too, wasn't it? Ah?

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Speaker 1: It was probably you you for probably my first, your

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Speaker 1: first Andree Martinez, that's crazy. Make this page.

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Speaker 3: Yeah that was your first tweet. Probably.

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00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,080
Speaker 2: Hey guys, you ever sign up for a phone plan

322
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,120
Speaker 2: thinking wow, this is a great price, and then a

323
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Speaker 2: few months later it's like, surprise, this bill is higher.

324
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,640
Speaker 2: With boost Mobile, you pay twenty five dollars a month forever.

325
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,360
Speaker 2: That's unlimited talk, text, and data starting at just twenty

326
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Speaker 2: five dollars a month, So no price hikes, no contract forever.

327
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Speaker 3: Plus.

328
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,200
Speaker 2: Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide five G network.

329
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Speaker 2: They have invested billions building five G towers across the country.

330
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,360
Speaker 2: So visit boostmobile dot com or head to your local

331
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Speaker 2: boothstore today and get unlimited talk, text, and data for

332
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,880
Speaker 2: twenty five dollars a month forever.

333
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,680
Speaker 3: Five G speed's not available in all areas.

334
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,680
Speaker 2: After thirty gigabytes, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will

335
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,720
Speaker 2: pay twenty five dollars a month as long as they

336
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,920
Speaker 2: remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. But somebody has

337
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,600
Speaker 2: So if you think about it, you're like an early

338
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,720
Speaker 2: because what you're experiencing or what not, what you're experiencing

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00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,600
Speaker 2: now that you're revisiting now, it's probably something that a

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Speaker 2: lot of artists who are just starting their career in

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Speaker 2: this time deal with often. And you were kind of

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Speaker 2: like straddling the life before that and then the life

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Speaker 2: of an artist after that.

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Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: That's profound, that's real. Yeah, And so you're like, wait

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00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:41,840
Speaker 1: a minute, like just what comes with being a public figure.

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Speaker 2: It's great when it's a good thing, but when something

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00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,160
Speaker 2: bad happens or a mistake, you consider it to be

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Speaker 2: a mistake.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 2: When a mistake happens, it's it can be unbearable to

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Speaker 2: deal with the blowback of that.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah yeah yeah, but you know you find a

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Speaker 1: way to. Everybody just wants to move forward. We're all

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00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,800
Speaker 1: just trying to to to move forward from whatever it

356
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Speaker 1: is that you have done. You know, whatever it is

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Speaker 1: you've gone through.

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Speaker 2: Has anybody given you good advice about that? Like, what's

359
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,199
Speaker 2: the best I'm imagining? There was some therapy or there

360
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,840
Speaker 2: was some deep conversations or yeah, there.

361
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Speaker 1: Was some therapy. I don't even know. I don't know

362
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,520
Speaker 1: that there's anything you can say other than like time hels,

363
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:32,480
Speaker 1: you know, time, time and finding that understanding, taking the accountability,

364
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Speaker 1: gaining acceptance, and making better decisions, moving moving forward. Like

365
00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:41,840
Speaker 1: that's that's really all anyone could say. I think that

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Speaker 1: would help me.

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Speaker 2: I just think they'll also in terms of dealing with

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Speaker 2: that energy from that side of people like.

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Speaker 1: How oh yeah, oh well it did there good things

370
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,200
Speaker 1: came of it because I am so thick skined now

371
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,720
Speaker 1: oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah it did that. It

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Speaker 1: definitely for you, not for you were not before.

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Speaker 3: You didn't have to be a sick.

374
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,360
Speaker 1: Skin more sensitive. Yeah, And like you said, we were

375
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,720
Speaker 1: on the cusp of the industry and the way of

376
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,560
Speaker 1: being even for fan hood, like we were on the cut.

377
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,879
Speaker 1: I was on the cusp of when things were not

378
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,600
Speaker 1: salacious really like everyone just was who they were. Everyone

379
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,600
Speaker 1: appreciated every artist for what they do and their uniqueness,

380
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,360
Speaker 1: and like you know, the design of things. I think

381
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,320
Speaker 1: there was like media takeout and like that. There were

382
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,720
Speaker 1: a couple really salacious things happening where you could find

383
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:40,359
Speaker 1: like yeah, Windy and certain magazines and the grocery stores

384
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,040
Speaker 1: at that time, like that was really it.

385
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,239
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, no, but not to the extent of not

386
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:51,480
Speaker 3: single human has the opportunity to yeah yos.

387
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,320
Speaker 1: Yes, not just a writer, yeah, just yeah, one publication

388
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,000
Speaker 1: or whatever. Yeah, and fans like and it commenters and

389
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,800
Speaker 1: you know. So we came into that and then you

390
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,000
Speaker 1: came in with a bank, came in with a bang,

391
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,560
Speaker 1: and there were a lot of opinions. And I was

392
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:13,160
Speaker 1: not as strong. Thicker skin now, much thicker skin, much

393
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,080
Speaker 1: thicker skin. And I guess there's always something to be

394
00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:20,120
Speaker 1: grateful for an age age. You'll do that too, Yeah,

395
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,840
Speaker 1: and the time away learning who I am, understanding growing.

396
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,680
Speaker 2: But wait, so you're going through that time in your

397
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,640
Speaker 2: life and there's a break, the breakup is the same

398
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:29,120
Speaker 2: time in.

399
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:29,640
Speaker 3: Your life time.

400
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, eleven years too. So I was seventeen when we

401
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,600
Speaker 1: got together. I was twenty eight when we broke up.

402
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,880
Speaker 1: And that's like you're developing years, that's like your formative years.

403
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,280
Speaker 1: So I needed a break for many reasons.

404
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you took the.

405
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,040
Speaker 1: Break, took the break. I took the break. It was

406
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,720
Speaker 1: like January of was it twenty ten or eleven eleven,

407
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,320
Speaker 1: I think, And I thought it'd just be six months.

408
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,200
Speaker 1: I was like January, that's a good it's a good

409
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,520
Speaker 1: time to you know. And I broke the news and

410
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,440
Speaker 1: they were like are you sure, Like wait, are you

411
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:03,760
Speaker 1: taking a.

412
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,560
Speaker 3: Break from a career? Okay, relationship?

413
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,959
Speaker 1: Oh well both yeah, right, I think want to leave

414
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:10,399
Speaker 1: you alone?

415
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:11,240
Speaker 3: Yeah? I need it.

416
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,560
Speaker 1: I needed I needed some space. I needed some space.

417
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,000
Speaker 2: And when you break the news, you said, I'm going

418
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,320
Speaker 2: to take six months like a break from my career.

419
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:27,520
Speaker 1: And it was just hard to reassemble the team, if

420
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,919
Speaker 1: I could put it in, it's just hard to reassemble

421
00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:34,200
Speaker 1: after taking a break. Everybody's onto their own stuff, everybody,

422
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,080
Speaker 1: so they got to make their money. They still got

423
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,840
Speaker 1: to you know, they're passionate people. They're gonna move to

424
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,439
Speaker 1: where the passion is and if I kind of, you know,

425
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,080
Speaker 1: abandoned that ship, then they're going to find their way.

426
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:48,760
Speaker 1: And it was really difficult.

427
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,840
Speaker 2: Actually, so it's almost like so it's almost like you

428
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,479
Speaker 2: were forced to kind of like because one thing, when

429
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,120
Speaker 2: an artist is brand new and there's like potential, people come,

430
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,560
Speaker 2: oh god, let's sign her, or we got a manager

431
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,240
Speaker 2: everybody's like trying to get this because they see this

432
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,480
Speaker 2: potential of this artist, who's who's blossoming into something from

433
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:17,719
Speaker 2: being a writer to now artist. But once you've been

434
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,840
Speaker 2: out for a while and then you take a break,

435
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 2: it's probably harder to kick start the excitement again.

436
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,920
Speaker 1: Yeah right, yes for them, yes right, yes, which is tough.

437
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 1: I'm now I'm ready. Yeah, it was tough. I was like,

438
00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:36,160
Speaker 1: I'm ready now. They're like, I'm going on tour or

439
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,399
Speaker 1: I'm working on this project. Maybe after that, you know,

440
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,160
Speaker 1: just it was it was tough.

441
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,720
Speaker 3: What was that time?

442
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:47,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was still in a depression. Let's you know,

443
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,760
Speaker 1: call it what it is. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be very

444
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,480
Speaker 1: honest about that part. I was still in a depression.

445
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,879
Speaker 1: But when inspiration hit if and when it hit, I

446
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,280
Speaker 1: had to get it out. I had to express. So

447
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,520
Speaker 1: that's how that went. So then what did you just

448
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,200
Speaker 1: never really happen?

449
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 3: It never happened.

450
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,840
Speaker 1: The reassembling of the team of the team.

451
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,000
Speaker 2: Wow, but you were still working, you were writing, I

452
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,640
Speaker 2: was writing, I wrote for others.

453
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,879
Speaker 1: I I what was.

454
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,400
Speaker 3: The first thing you did coming out of the depression.

455
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,480
Speaker 1: I I me coming out of the depression was probably

456
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,919
Speaker 1: only like ten years ago. Oh wow, yeah it was

457
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 1: that long. Yeah, it was long. Yeah, it was like

458
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 1: what does that mean?

459
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,600
Speaker 3: What is your because everybody's definition of depression it's different.

460
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,760
Speaker 1: It was several years. For me, it was dark cloud.

461
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,400
Speaker 1: It was just nothing could make me truly happy. It

462
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,800
Speaker 1: was hiding. I isolated really badly. I could sleep for days,

463
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:48,560
Speaker 1: like not literally, but you know, yeah, like I would

464
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,920
Speaker 1: get up and shower and go right back to the bed.

465
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 1: Just just this is for years. This is yeah, a

466
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 1: couple of at least a few years.

467
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:56,800
Speaker 3: Wow.

468
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, when people were were your family and friends like worried?

469
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,400
Speaker 1: They didn't I didn't tell anybody what I was going through.

470
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:10,520
Speaker 1: I think people I don't know. I think people maybe

471
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 1: had a clue that I wasn't myself. Maybe I wasn't.

472
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 1: I'm usually very I'm like a relentless optimistic optimist.

473
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 3: So you were you were good at like faking it.

474
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:32,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I definitely had. I think my assistant I

475
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,159
Speaker 1: had to have known. My road manager had to have

476
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 1: known who's now my manager now. He had to you know,

477
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,480
Speaker 1: certain figures. I think saw family. Mom said she didn't

478
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,000
Speaker 1: know really, Yeah, she just told me that recently. She

479
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,080
Speaker 1: was like I didn't even know what are you talking about? Wow,

480
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,680
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, you just job right.

481
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,639
Speaker 2: People come over the hollidays, they come for dinner, we

482
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:56,199
Speaker 2: meet up for lunch, you go to the thing. Yes, Carrie,

483
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 2: you have no idea, no clue.

484
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 3: It's interesting how you explained the pre I had.

485
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,159
Speaker 2: I heard Joe, if I had Joe one time was

486
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 2: talking about a time when he lost his sister, He

487
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,520
Speaker 2: lost a pun and it was really he talked about

488
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,160
Speaker 2: depression one time. I don't know something about the description.

489
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 2: It always stuck with me and he and the way

490
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 2: you said it was almost.

491
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:13,960
Speaker 3: The same thing.

492
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,040
Speaker 2: It's like he said, it's like it could be sunny,

493
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,479
Speaker 2: but you feel like it's gloomy. Nothing makes you happy.

494
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 2: Every it's everything feels dark. Everything feels gloomy. Yes, you

495
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 2: just you don't want to get out of the bed.

496
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,080
Speaker 1: Just dim the world. If it was once bright and

497
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,360
Speaker 1: pretty and colorful, it's just everything's dim. Everything. Every advice

498
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,760
Speaker 1: someone's giving you is just like you're just it's just

499
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: mundane and melancholy and just.

500
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,399
Speaker 2: And then when do you say, when does something change?

501
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 2: That's what's what's the When does the light come back in?

502
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 2: Or how do you get it back.

503
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,440
Speaker 1: I want to say this responsibly. Mm hmm. But there's

504
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,399
Speaker 1: one I mean I did. Let me let me preface

505
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,240
Speaker 1: this by saying I had done like spiritual things, I'd

506
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: kind of really come into a closer relationship with God.

507
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 1: And there, you know, just I went on retreats and

508
00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:17,080
Speaker 1: I built a community of those who were kind of

509
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: like minded in that sense, you know, spirituality, and my

510
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:30,680
Speaker 1: tribe really appeared during that time. My tribe really stood

511
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,960
Speaker 1: up and some I knew already somewhere new and it

512
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 1: was just like, Okay, the team is not professional team,

513
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:45,840
Speaker 1: but carries carry the humans. Tribe was starting to appear

514
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:52,520
Speaker 1: angels really. And then I met a doctor who assisted

515
00:25:52,520 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 1: me with shrooms, medicinal grade trooms psychedelics. I can say

516
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,760
Speaker 1: without a doubt that I did like two macro doses.

517
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,200
Speaker 1: And I'm saying this responsibly because again it's doctor assisted, right, and.

518
00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:11,439
Speaker 3: Also this is your experience. This is not what we

519
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:12,399
Speaker 3: were not promoting this.

520
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,480
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, but I can say that. And I was

521
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,439
Speaker 1: already coming out. I was already pretty much out, but

522
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:25,080
Speaker 1: I still would struggle with here and there, and that

523
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:28,800
Speaker 1: doctor suggested that I just research, which I did because

524
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,120
Speaker 1: I was very scared of like.

525
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 3: Drugs, smoke weed or anything like that.

526
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:38,160
Speaker 1: Nah. I would do edibles occasionally, yeah, low dose, yeah probably,

527
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,840
Speaker 1: I mean, and I would take if it if they

528
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:46,040
Speaker 1: recommend a half, I'm really taking an eighth of the half, right,

529
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,640
Speaker 1: I'm easily affected by everything caffeine, Like I can't, I don't,

530
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 1: you know. So I know my my personnel, which is me,

531
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,679
Speaker 1: and so I was very very nervous. But then I

532
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:02,639
Speaker 1: learned that there are retreats all around the world for

533
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:10,440
Speaker 1: shrooms being used medicinally as healing modality. And like I say,

534
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 1: is it worked for me? It works?

535
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 3: Okay, you're not gonna just say that. I need, I need,

536
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,919
Speaker 3: I need, I need some share. I need to understand

537
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 3: what what do you say it worked?

538
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,680
Speaker 2: Because I'm fascinated by this, by the way, and I've

539
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 2: definitely read a lot about it.

540
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,440
Speaker 3: I call people who have had incredible experience, okay with it.

541
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 3: I know somebody who's dealing with severe grief and.

542
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 2: She's she's she's gone down this road and it's given

543
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:38,439
Speaker 2: her some relief.

544
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,639
Speaker 3: And so I know it does work for some people.

545
00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 1: I know many as well.

546
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,679
Speaker 3: I have I have feed my own personal fears about it.

547
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,919
Speaker 3: So that's why I'm so interested. So I have questions.

548
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,880
Speaker 1: But anyway, so what you say, because there's different there's like.

549
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 3: There's names for them, right, which one did you do?

550
00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:57,920
Speaker 3: Is it that?

551
00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 1: I don't know?

552
00:27:58,760 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 3: You don't.

553
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,119
Speaker 1: I don't even know the name. I'll find out for you.

554
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 3: Yes, because there's different versions.

555
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:03,120
Speaker 4: Yes.

556
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 1: And then and then.

557
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 2: There's likesca I haven't done that yet not. And then

558
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:15,480
Speaker 2: there's like a toad the yeah not that No, I

559
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:18,199
Speaker 2: haven't done talks about the and the.

560
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:19,879
Speaker 3: D M T and all that, like I haven't. This

561
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 3: is even Will Smith shrooms, Will Smith has done it. Yeah,

562
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 3: Mike can trace it. Mike Tyson swears by.

563
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:28,920
Speaker 1: We can see the change in him.

564
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:32,399
Speaker 2: Right, Yes, Well, Mike Tyson has an extreme level of rage.

565
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 2: He did this podcast and this let me tell you

566
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:37,120
Speaker 2: how to explained rage to me. I thought it was fascinating. Okay,

567
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 2: he said he did he went to a doctor and

568
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 2: he told me this. He's like, you know, you could

569
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,040
Speaker 2: see rage on a brain scan. I was like, well,

570
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 2: what do you mean. He said that he went to

571
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 2: the doctor and they could see it on his brain scan.

572
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,640
Speaker 2: That the doctor showed him that this is where and

573
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:53,080
Speaker 2: he lives with that rage all the time. So Mike

574
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 2: Tyson was talking around life trying to manage that, and

575
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,240
Speaker 2: he's found ways. He's got an amazing family and amazing white.

576
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,200
Speaker 1: It was there before, it had to be there before boxing,

577
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:03,640
Speaker 1: which is probably why he got into boxing.

578
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:05,240
Speaker 3: Oh no for sure, okay o, no, for sure.

579
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,600
Speaker 2: He's got high levels of rage, and so I think

580
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:12,520
Speaker 2: that that has helped him manage that's he's leaned into shrooms.

581
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,959
Speaker 1: Because he seems so like calm.

582
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 3: Now Adams probably aged probably so much mushrooms. Yeah, yeah,

583
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 3: and yeah whatever whatever, he's found a way for him.

584
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,000
Speaker 3: I will say, I know, I don't ayahuasca.

585
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 1: I don't think derives from mushrooms.

586
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,479
Speaker 3: I thought it was we need we need research.

587
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: Okay, so yeah, I don't think so, I don't know,

588
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,040
Speaker 1: but I haven't done those I want to.

589
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 3: Okay, So wait, you just did regular rooms.

590
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 2: I just did regular psychedelic but medicinal great rooms. And

591
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 2: is it like organized because there's places that you do

592
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 2: cut our places.

593
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 1: Mine was DOC assisted at home.

594
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 3: Doc assisted at home. And was it scary at all

595
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 3: or not?

596
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 1: Yeah? I was scared at first. I was scared. I

597
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,280
Speaker 1: was scared. I was actually as as it was hitting,

598
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 1: I was like still reading articles and still like you.

599
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,040
Speaker 3: Know you're reading about it.

600
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 1: Really it was great because it gave me comfort. That's

601
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:11,000
Speaker 1: it gave me, Like things are scary until you understand,

602
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 1: until you seek to understand that, right, They're only as

603
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 1: scary as you when you, I guess, aren't informed or

604
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:19,920
Speaker 1: lack knowledge about it.

605
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,000
Speaker 3: Right. Okay, the more I learned, the more comfortable I was.

606
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 3: I was like, oh, so, what did you learn? What

607
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:24,640
Speaker 3: did it tell you?

608
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 1: Just it was talking about the retreats and how I

609
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 1: think it's eighty percent. I hope I can't remember. I

610
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:33,640
Speaker 1: think I have it in my notes in my phone, right,

611
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,280
Speaker 1: I'm a note tacker because I know I don't retain

612
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 1: things like numbers. But like eighty percent of people something

613
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:46,160
Speaker 1: like that I have reported in these psychedelic retreats that

614
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 1: it has completely cured their depression. And then there's another

615
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: percent of people. I don't think it's the remaining twenty

616
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:56,600
Speaker 1: Maybe it was, but another chunk of people reported that

617
00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: it severely minimized the depression their depression.

618
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's just like you said, you did two sessions.

619
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,360
Speaker 1: I did two sessions of you know, there's macro and micro,

620
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 1: so I did two macros macro dosis. Like, I don't

621
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: want to tell how much. I don't want to influence

622
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 1: anyone to like try it on their own or it

623
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:19,520
Speaker 1: could do that street version or late version. Yeah, I

624
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,440
Speaker 1: would not suggest that, So I'm trying to be responsible

625
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:24,680
Speaker 1: about what what I say about it.

626
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:27,240
Speaker 3: But what was your experience? Did you because they said

627
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,440
Speaker 3: the walls melting.

628
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 1: Up, No, it's not even trippy. It's not your experience.

629
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 1: It was not trippy. My experience was not trippy like that.

630
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:38,880
Speaker 1: But I did want to listen to music and I

631
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 1: did want to be outside. How long is it lasts

632
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 1: you outside in nature? Uh? They say six hours? But

633
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:49,360
Speaker 1: for me, I'm again, I'm kind of easily manipulated because

634
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:54,560
Speaker 1: I I don't take substances, so it lasted longer for me,

635
00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:59,680
Speaker 1: Like maybe I felt different, maybe about eight to ten

636
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 1: hours something like that. Wow, and I just went to

637
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: be I went to sleep at the end of you know,

638
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 1: end of it, had a super vivid dream, but it

639
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 1: was just it pulls me outside. I remember passing a

640
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 1: mirror one of the time, one of the two times,

641
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:17,120
Speaker 1: and I realized I had been happy, but I passed

642
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 1: a mirror and I would just you know, and I

643
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 1: saw a smile on my face and I'm like, that's weird.

644
00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: So I try to like wipe the smile off my face,

645
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:30,240
Speaker 1: and I literally couldn't because I was like, that's freaking weird.

646
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,400
Speaker 1: Like the doctor's here, like I looked, I look nuts.

647
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,440
Speaker 1: I'm sure I look nuts. And I try to like

648
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:37,880
Speaker 1: get serious, and I couldn't.

649
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:40,640
Speaker 3: I was just happppy. Wow.

650
00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:42,800
Speaker 1: And I hadn't seen that in a while either, So

651
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 1: I was just kind of staring at it like this

652
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:48,360
Speaker 1: is what I look like. Yeah, a little Carrie, That's

653
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 1: how it felt. Wow, that's how it felt. And you

654
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:55,680
Speaker 1: have these you have these like realizations. They call it

655
00:32:55,720 --> 00:33:00,120
Speaker 1: like a dot connector the Native Americans would call it

656
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,920
Speaker 1: like a vision quest where a child coming of age.

657
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,040
Speaker 1: I think it's boys coming of age. They would give

658
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 1: them shrooms, send them out into the wilderness, and by

659
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,600
Speaker 1: the time they make it home, they understand who they

660
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 1: are and their purpose in their life. And so I

661
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,240
Speaker 1: can absolutely say that I had some of that effect too.

662
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 1: Things became clear. It was bird's eye view. Dots were

663
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 1: connecting for sure.

664
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,120
Speaker 3: Wow, and with no fear.

665
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:29,560
Speaker 2: No is it because you had the doctor there maybe yeah,

666
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:35,400
Speaker 2: or you just were so ready for a change.

667
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:38,640
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I just had researched it,

668
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:44,720
Speaker 1: I trusted him and I was ready. Yeah, it's just

669
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,600
Speaker 1: that ready. Yeah, you were so I was ready for

670
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:49,280
Speaker 1: things to turn up. So this is just you're in

671
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 1: this moment twice.

672
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,520
Speaker 2: You do it twice, Yeah, and then there's another side

673
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 2: so it's over. Yeah, but then there's another side to it,

674
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,120
Speaker 2: and you feel a shift in your life beyond those

675
00:33:58,120 --> 00:33:58,840
Speaker 2: two sessions.

676
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Wow, Like what what does that feel like?

677
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 1: Optimism? Again?

678
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 3: Wow? Just like.

679
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:14,000
Speaker 1: Curiosity, childlike wonder, and it's not like it. It doesn't

680
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,879
Speaker 1: like close chapters for you. You know, you still got

681
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:19,160
Speaker 1: to work through things that are occurring. You still got

682
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:19,879
Speaker 1: to live your life. Yeah.

683
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're still emotion, you still feel, there's.

684
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,680
Speaker 1: Still yeah, you still feel. But I have never been

685
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 1: in a dark place for long or as dark since then.

686
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:33,799
Speaker 1: Like I can confidently say that cured my depression. Confidently

687
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,279
Speaker 1: I can say that. And the other work that I

688
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,719
Speaker 1: you know, therapy, I was definitely in therapy. I was

689
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:42,840
Speaker 1: definitely doing my spiritual practices. I was definitely on retreats.

690
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 1: I was definitely building community you.

691
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,319
Speaker 3: Were actively trying to get out of it.

692
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it was one of the catalysts to curing

693
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:55,080
Speaker 1: my depression. I was an active participant in it, but

694
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,400
Speaker 1: but that was a major piece for sure.

695
00:34:57,600 --> 00:34:58,120
Speaker 3: What did you learn?

696
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:01,640
Speaker 2: Because some people therapy comes up a out here and

697
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:03,920
Speaker 2: everybody has different experiences. But I always say it's like

698
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 2: dating because some people, like I tried it, I didn't

699
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:07,480
Speaker 2: like it. I'm like, you try one.

700
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,480
Speaker 3: That's like going on one day with one person and

701
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:11,919
Speaker 3: being like, dating's whack. I don't even know. You don't know.

702
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 3: You need to try other people exactly.

703
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 1: It is like dating.

704
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the wrong therapist. It is a waste of time.

705
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I have heard horror stories from people.

706
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:22,759
Speaker 3: But you find a good one.

707
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:26,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, it took me a couple two be a couple also, And.

708
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 3: What do you think is a good one?

709
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 1: What do you think makes a good one?

710
00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:33,319
Speaker 3: Yeah?

711
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 1: I think a good therapist coaxes you via their questioning

712
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:52,320
Speaker 1: and they're listening, coaxes you towards having your own realizations.

713
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:55,640
Speaker 1: I think a good one allows you to discover yourself

714
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 1: and become aware of yourself, kind of on your own,

715
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:04,319
Speaker 1: but with their guidance. I don't think that it is

716
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,640
Speaker 1: wise for them to tell you certain things, but suggest

717
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: and kind of you're just your guidelines for me to

718
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,000
Speaker 1: not look at this wrong or to not you know,

719
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:19,239
Speaker 1: you're helping me see what's true about life, about my childhood,

720
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 1: what's true and how I'm experiencing things and how I

721
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: may view it differently and how you know, You're just

722
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:30,080
Speaker 1: you're to me a guide. Yeah, sure, I think that

723
00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:30,839
Speaker 1: makes a good one.

724
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,560
Speaker 3: What was your childhood like? Like what? You probably just

725
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 3: a talented little kids.

726
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,719
Speaker 2: I just imagine being like an active, pretty talented little kid.

727
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,839
Speaker 1: Yeah. I was a creative, very active, very creative, very expressive,

728
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:49,319
Speaker 1: a little bit of a show off, you know. I

729
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:51,160
Speaker 1: was one of five. So it's like I wanted if

730
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 1: you want attention from your parents, you better be great

731
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,520
Speaker 1: at something. So everything I did, I was great at

732
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 1: you because I'm like, hey Dad, watch this?

733
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:01,560
Speaker 3: Hey mom? You know, hey what did you do? He

734
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:02,840
Speaker 3: was singing or I'm singing?

735
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:06,600
Speaker 1: But from dad. I played sports like I became a winner,

736
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:10,040
Speaker 1: like in the like I was actually my first trip

737
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:13,120
Speaker 1: ever to New York. I was the Junior Nationals for swimming.

738
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:13,719
Speaker 1: That's right.

739
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,360
Speaker 3: I didn't remember that about okay, yeah.

740
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, And I think I was like fourteen, so

741
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,919
Speaker 1: I swam. I was the youngest on the swim team,

742
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,880
Speaker 1: three years old making it across the pool, and I

743
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 1: swam from three to about seventeen. Wow, I think you

744
00:37:27,239 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 1: age out at eighteen in that league. But yeah, that

745
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,800
Speaker 1: was that was for that, yeah kind of yeah. That

746
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 1: his side of the family swam. I got swimming from

747
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:42,160
Speaker 1: like his sister and her kids, like my cousins and

748
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:45,960
Speaker 1: my cousin, one of which made it to the Olympic trials.

749
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 1: I think it was Australia whatever year that was. So like, yeah,

750
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,839
Speaker 1: like you know, were you close sports and music was dead?

751
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:55,880
Speaker 3: Were you close to them? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

752
00:37:56,040 --> 00:38:00,879
Speaker 2: I just like because I could understand me going through

753
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,560
Speaker 2: something and my mom not knowing. And me and my

754
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:04,319
Speaker 2: mom are close, but I can know I go through

755
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,399
Speaker 2: something and she doesn't know. But when I think as

756
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 2: on the other side of that as a mother, and

757
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 2: to think, hmmm, one of my you know, like my

758
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,120
Speaker 2: kid could go through that for a couple of years

759
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:13,839
Speaker 2: and I wouldn't know.

760
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 1: That's notice very scary to me.

761
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:17,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's very very scary.

762
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,920
Speaker 1: Well, when you become adult too, you can be close still,

763
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,440
Speaker 1: but you do start to do things independently when you

764
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 1: are an adult, like you can have your own life,

765
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 1: you have your own friendships, you're building, you're building your

766
00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,600
Speaker 1: own life. So I could hide it within that, yeah,

767
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:36,400
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. I hit it within. I guess

768
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:41,719
Speaker 1: under the concept or the context that like, oh, I'm

769
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 1: just you know, I put things in the context that

770
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:48,440
Speaker 1: was just like had nothing to do with her, you know.

771
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:50,920
Speaker 1: So I would hide my depression in those realms and

772
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 1: when we were around family, like I would try to

773
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 1: you know, but I'm still so intrigued that she didn't

774
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: know anything. No, I don't know how we'd have to

775
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 1: talk to her.

776
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:04,680
Speaker 3: It might be really sing.

777
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:06,560
Speaker 2: Well, that goes to show you you just never know

778
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,800
Speaker 2: what somebody is going. When somebody is going.

779
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:12,160
Speaker 1: Can miss it. And my mom is quite attentive, is she?

780
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:12,680
Speaker 4: Yeah?

781
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:13,240
Speaker 3: Yeah?

782
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:16,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, But is she like a talker like that she is,

783
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:18,680
Speaker 2: because some parents are not. They're not going to ask, like,

784
00:39:18,719 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 2: what's going on with you?

785
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, she would, and I would just lie, Yeah, you

786
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:25,279
Speaker 1: would lie. I'm good.

787
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:26,000
Speaker 3: Oh my god.

788
00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: Yeah.

789
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:29,880
Speaker 2: So now we're here on the other side, yes, yeah,

790
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:33,680
Speaker 2: and then you decide let me put myself back out there.

791
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 3: Right, let me go back outside, right, Is that must

792
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 3: be a little scary. Yeah, she could just disturb this

793
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 3: piece that you've built.

794
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 2: Now, yes, yes, absolutely, so here you are, I'll side talking.

795
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: Share, talking, share, crying, crying.

796
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:53,279
Speaker 3: No, it's like rehashing, rehashing.

797
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:55,919
Speaker 2: When you talk about it. It's just it's a new Yeah,

798
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,120
Speaker 2: people are just learning it. Some some people might just

799
00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:58,960
Speaker 2: learn about.

800
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 3: What happened or yeah, all of that.

801
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think. And you want to give it justice.

802
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 1: You want to give everything you talk about the proper justice,

803
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,359
Speaker 1: especially when you know you're on camera and in front

804
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:12,600
Speaker 1: of a mic. You're like, wait, you know, but yeah,

805
00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:17,880
Speaker 1: but I'm on this side. And yes, there is a

806
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:21,399
Speaker 1: lot of fear there. There are a lot of fears.

807
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 1: But you and I before this interview, we're talking about

808
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:33,640
Speaker 1: like when you take a break, under whatever circumstances, when

809
00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:40,360
Speaker 1: you pull away from anything, you have these like proper

810
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 1: realizations and for me, coming back just meant it has

811
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:49,759
Speaker 1: to mean something. It has to mean something. Yeah, I can't.

812
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 1: I'm not doing this for a hit song. Of course,

813
00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 1: that's one of the main things you want, But like,

814
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,800
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it for that reason. I'm not creating

815
00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:04,320
Speaker 1: I haven't been creating or putting any of this together

816
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:09,120
Speaker 1: for like the wrong reasons. It's all like I am expressive.

817
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:11,160
Speaker 1: I was born to express, I was born to saying,

818
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 1: I was born to write. I was born to create

819
00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:17,840
Speaker 1: and purpose like you know, coming back in It's like

820
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 1: it has to be purposeful. It's got to mean something.

821
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,399
Speaker 1: You gotta tell a story. I got to teach somebody something.

822
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 3: Yeah, I got to say, what do you want it

823
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:25,120
Speaker 3: to mean?

824
00:41:26,239 --> 00:41:30,319
Speaker 1: I want to lead others. I wanted to mean a

825
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:39,960
Speaker 1: lot of things. Redemption for myself, triumph because I've had to.

826
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:44,560
Speaker 1: I went from mountain to valley and I'm climbing back

827
00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:47,279
Speaker 1: up the mountain. And that's how it feels to me.

828
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 1: So that's what it means for me. And what I mean,

829
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 1: what I wanted to mean for others is like just

830
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: that same story, like that you can come back from anything.

831
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 1: You can come back. You don't have to let that

832
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:03,560
Speaker 1: fear stifle or you know, stop you.

833
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,040
Speaker 2: By the way, there's people who have come back from

834
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 2: doing way worse things.

835
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 3: Very true.

836
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 2: I have a friend, very true named Shaka, who went

837
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,799
Speaker 2: to prison for a very long time for murder and

838
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 2: has led all types of reform initiatives and best selling

839
00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:21,360
Speaker 2: books since he's been out of prison has changed his

840
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:22,879
Speaker 2: life around in a major way.

841
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:24,000
Speaker 3: After murder.

842
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:28,520
Speaker 2: I'm just saying, yeah, redemption is possible for people, for everyone,

843
00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 2: even if you pursue it.

844
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:33,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, if you see it and you believe

845
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:36,320
Speaker 1: in that for yourself and you pursue it is possible.

846
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:38,600
Speaker 3: What about forgiveness.

847
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:40,560
Speaker 1: From others?

848
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:43,439
Speaker 3: Just? I don't know, in general? Where do you? Because

849
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 3: we talk about redemption, we talked about like purpose. I

850
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 3: just think in experiencing what you've experienced and even.

851
00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:53,359
Speaker 2: Just the depression part of that, And I don't know,

852
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 2: break up and it's just so so much sadness around that.

853
00:42:57,520 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 2: I'm sure there had to be some forgiveness. I don't know,

854
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:03,000
Speaker 2: for yourself, for other people. Yeah, so I don't know

855
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:06,160
Speaker 2: for myself. For yourself, you have to forgive yourself?

856
00:43:06,239 --> 00:43:09,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and I do? I did? I do?

857
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:10,120
Speaker 3: You do?

858
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:11,360
Speaker 1: I do?

859
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:14,439
Speaker 2: We don't talk about that a lot. No, we say

860
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:16,879
Speaker 2: a breakup all I had to forgive, how I put

861
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:21,279
Speaker 2: it past me. But for ourself forgiveness, what does that

862
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 2: look like?

863
00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:24,160
Speaker 3: And how hard is that right? And why do why

864
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:26,080
Speaker 3: don't we offer that to ourselves.

865
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's uncomfortable because forgiving yourself means you

866
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:35,200
Speaker 1: admit that you played a part in something, you made

867
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:42,080
Speaker 1: a mistake, or you uh miscalculated something or made a misstep. Right,

868
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 1: So I think a lot of people don't even want

869
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,080
Speaker 1: to do that much, so they don't get to the

870
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:50,080
Speaker 1: forgiveness because they're like, stuck on I'm perfect, Yeah, stuck

871
00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:53,040
Speaker 1: on it. It wasn't my fault, it was your fault,

872
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,520
Speaker 1: you know. I feel like maybe that's why we can't

873
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:55,919
Speaker 1: get there.

874
00:43:56,080 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 2: Yes, that's not a good place to be, but the

875
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 2: way forgiveness is a big part of the redemption.

876
00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:05,000
Speaker 3: You gotta it's got to be forgiveness.

877
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 1: And redemption and others and others, Yeah, others that don't

878
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 1: even ask for your forgiveness, others that may still be

879
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 1: perpetrating things against you, may still be gaslighting you, you know,

880
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: and you still got to forgive them because why are

881
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:21,759
Speaker 1: we harboring bad feelings, bad ill feelings? Yeah, like why

882
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:23,440
Speaker 1: are we doing that? That's at how long?

883
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:25,720
Speaker 3: How long does that have to go on for? Right?

884
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,319
Speaker 1: That's just more burden the.

885
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:29,640
Speaker 3: Other thing, So redemption, forgiveness, what about love?

886
00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:32,879
Speaker 1: Because you say all of this.

887
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 3: Happened at one time.

888
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:36,120
Speaker 2: So I wonder how much of that depression also had

889
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:38,359
Speaker 2: to do with you ending this like long relationship.

890
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:42,439
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, this wasn't all. It was probably little bits

891
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 3: of it all. Yeah, where did you land with love

892
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:47,359
Speaker 3: after that?

893
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:56,479
Speaker 1: I haven't landed right after that? You know you rebound? Yeah,

894
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 1: you were privy to one of my rebounds.

895
00:44:58,000 --> 00:44:59,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, we've seen the rebound.

896
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, you saw rebou The others didn't say, wait,

897
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:04,799
Speaker 1: I saw one, Yes that no one else saw.

898
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,600
Speaker 3: Am I forgetting my mind? My brain?

899
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:12,640
Speaker 1: We were dating friends, You and I were dating.

900
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:17,320
Speaker 3: Oh my god, oh yes, oh yes, oh my god.

901
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:18,720
Speaker 3: That's right. Yeah.

902
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:22,520
Speaker 1: So right on the heels of that eleven year breakup,

903
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 1: that's what I did for a year, year and a half.

904
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:28,240
Speaker 3: Whatever, okay, and then that was it. It was super private.

905
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:31,160
Speaker 3: Yeah that's right. I forgot about that.

906
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:33,359
Speaker 2: See that's why I'm a good person to trust, because

907
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:37,240
Speaker 2: I forget get. People be like, listen, don't tell anybody.

908
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:40,439
Speaker 3: I'd be like, don't worry. I promise you don't worry.

909
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:43,000
Speaker 3: It's in one ear and not the other. We forgot

910
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:45,200
Speaker 3: about Yeah, oh my god, that's right.

911
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:48,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, but you do it.

912
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,120
Speaker 2: But it's been a little quiet, Like you haven't you

913
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 2: haven't jumped into like another long term.

914
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:58,040
Speaker 1: No, but they are, I guess not that long. But

915
00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:03,319
Speaker 1: I've done five years, three years, you know, one year.

916
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:10,400
Speaker 1: I've had a couple of relationships after that, just a couple,

917
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,279
Speaker 1: but haven't landed.

918
00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,239
Speaker 3: In Yeah, what did you have you learned about it?

919
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:15,880
Speaker 3: Do you still believe in it? Do you look for it?

920
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,920
Speaker 1: Is important to you? It's important to me, not in

921
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:20,520
Speaker 1: the same ways that it was.

922
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:21,520
Speaker 2: Do you mean like.

923
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:29,520
Speaker 1: Love to me? I I don't crave it. I accept

924
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 1: and welcome it. I'm open to it, but I don't

925
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,840
Speaker 1: force it, like I'm not getting on dating apps and

926
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:38,400
Speaker 1: doing anything about being single. I really really this people,

927
00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:41,560
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think people can't fathom it for themselves,

928
00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 1: so they think I'm cappin. But I like me. Yeah,

929
00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:52,920
Speaker 1: like I enjoyed. I am perfectly fine. And there was

930
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 1: a time when like after that break, like reason for

931
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:58,560
Speaker 1: the rebound, like you can't be alone, you're just like

932
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:03,279
Speaker 1: I'm used to having someone and I broke out of

933
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:11,520
Speaker 1: that and I call actually my manager called that relationship

934
00:47:11,600 --> 00:47:16,120
Speaker 1: my ferrari cause you know, you get like a Ford

935
00:47:16,239 --> 00:47:19,399
Speaker 1: or Honda or something you're like, this is reliable. This

936
00:47:19,480 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 1: is a reliable vehicle. You can have it up until

937
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:24,200
Speaker 1: one hundred and fifty thousand miles if you need to.

938
00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:28,440
Speaker 1: You know, it's safe, it's safe, it's reliable. Your ferrari,

939
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,600
Speaker 1: it's for fun. It's for fun, and you just want

940
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:36,080
Speaker 1: to be pretty shiny, it's pretty, it's bright red, it's fast,

941
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:39,719
Speaker 1: you know, and you just want to like take me

942
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:42,600
Speaker 1: up out of here, real fast. Yeah, that was my Ferrari.

943
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:44,960
Speaker 1: And it's not meant to last. It's not meant to

944
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 1: be a long We almost did permanent things. We almost

945
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:54,160
Speaker 1: did permanent things, and we almost did public things. You know,

946
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:56,600
Speaker 1: we were wise because it was really a rebound for

947
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 1: both of us at that time. You know what was

948
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:00,920
Speaker 1: going on in his life and what he had just

949
00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 1: encountered and now you know what was going on in

950
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:06,399
Speaker 1: my life. So we were each other's rebound for a year,

951
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:09,040
Speaker 1: year and a half, somewhere between a year and eight

952
00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:12,440
Speaker 1: year and a half. But it's just like, take me

953
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 1: up out of here. I'm not trying to think about heartbreak.

954
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to you know, have these have the heart,

955
00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:24,759
Speaker 1: you know, just don't heartbreak. You don't have heartbreak. You

956
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,160
Speaker 1: don't want to think about it. You're not even trying

957
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:28,680
Speaker 1: to find a lesson in this ship. You're not trying

958
00:48:28,719 --> 00:48:30,880
Speaker 1: to heal for real, you just are like I need

959
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 1: to replace what I lost with something new and shiny

960
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 1: and beautiful. Yes, okay, and it was that and so

961
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:43,880
Speaker 1: uh yeah I appreciated that for right, for what it was,

962
00:48:43,920 --> 00:48:47,120
Speaker 1: but it was it's not a car that you have forever.

963
00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:51,239
Speaker 3: You could, but it wasn't for your it was forever.

964
00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:53,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was my forever, you know.

965
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 3: Wow.

966
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:57,480
Speaker 1: So yeah, I don't need it in the I don't

967
00:48:57,520 --> 00:48:59,600
Speaker 1: need love in the same way like I needed to

968
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:04,600
Speaker 1: be uh strong and healthy. That's what I need now.

969
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:09,840
Speaker 1: I need it to be real, I need it to

970
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:20,200
Speaker 1: be stable. I need it to represent truth and have

971
00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:23,440
Speaker 1: trust and have all the foundational things. Like I don't

972
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:27,080
Speaker 1: need it at any costs, Like I'm not sacrificing my Yeah,

973
00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:29,239
Speaker 1: I know love is not perfect and it disrupt your

974
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:31,319
Speaker 1: peace a little bit, but no more ferraris. But no

975
00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:35,239
Speaker 1: more ferraris, no more. Maybe maybe it can have like

976
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:36,319
Speaker 1: a ferraris can.

977
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:38,880
Speaker 2: Be dangerous because women do this right there, They'll come

978
00:49:38,920 --> 00:49:41,280
Speaker 2: out of a long term relationship, they'll go get a ferrari.

979
00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:43,680
Speaker 3: But that's gonna stay forever.

980
00:49:44,640 --> 00:49:49,719
Speaker 2: They're gonna go get a ferrari. But sometimes you get

981
00:49:49,719 --> 00:49:50,840
Speaker 2: comfortable in the ferrari.

982
00:49:51,239 --> 00:49:53,840
Speaker 3: And that's if you crash in a ferrari.

983
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:55,120
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you crash.

984
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,359
Speaker 3: You gotta be careful. You think you're safe because you're like, oh,

985
00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,920
Speaker 3: this is just fun. And then women I've seen this

986
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:03,799
Speaker 3: mm hmm many times. Friends, they were like, I'm just

987
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:04,600
Speaker 3: having fun here.

988
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then you find yourself in a situation because

989
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:08,080
Speaker 2: you made.

990
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:09,960
Speaker 3: A choice to be with somebody that's not safe.

991
00:50:10,200 --> 00:50:11,280
Speaker 1: Yes, you made a choice.

992
00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:13,360
Speaker 3: You made a choice to be with somebody who's not safe.

993
00:50:14,520 --> 00:50:16,600
Speaker 3: And now now look what happened to you.

994
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:18,360
Speaker 1: You gotta and that frights.

995
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,120
Speaker 3: You got stitches over your eye. I don't mean literally,

996
00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:25,560
Speaker 3: figure crash. Yes, it crashed. It does what it does.

997
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:29,840
Speaker 1: You were racing in the mountains and yeah, I've done that.

998
00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:32,640
Speaker 1: I tricked myself one time too. It definitely was like

999
00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:36,880
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna have fun. He's younger than me. I

1000
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:41,520
Speaker 1: don't see it. But then love happened, and three years

1001
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:45,640
Speaker 1: down the line, you know you're still there, just like

1002
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:48,720
Speaker 1: this was just supposed to be a ferrari. I think

1003
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:50,960
Speaker 1: I'm trying to make it a Honda.

1004
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:53,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1005
00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,520
Speaker 3: Maybe your car is somewhere in between a Honda and

1006
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:56,040
Speaker 3: a Ferrari.

1007
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:57,319
Speaker 1: Yeah I think it is.

1008
00:50:57,440 --> 00:50:59,120
Speaker 3: Maybe you're not built for a Honda either.

1009
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:03,120
Speaker 1: It's something, you know, I don't know, something in between.

1010
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:07,319
Speaker 1: Maybe yeah, maybe you know. But if I don't know,

1011
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:11,000
Speaker 1: I think so because I am somewhere in between it.

1012
00:51:11,719 --> 00:51:14,120
Speaker 1: You know, I'm like a Porsche. I'm like, I love

1013
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:15,440
Speaker 1: a Porsche. I have one.

1014
00:51:15,480 --> 00:51:16,120
Speaker 2: You do, I do.

1015
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,239
Speaker 3: And it's so funny that you say that because I

1016
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:19,960
Speaker 3: told you before I was talking about my car accident.

1017
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:23,040
Speaker 3: I used to drive like fast.

1018
00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:24,760
Speaker 2: Cars and whatever, and then I had a car accident

1019
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:29,160
Speaker 2: and I drove a mini van after my cars because

1020
00:51:29,160 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 2: I had so much trauma on PTSD that it was

1021
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:33,520
Speaker 2: the only car I felt safe.

1022
00:51:33,719 --> 00:51:37,759
Speaker 3: It was slow, it was big, it was my transition car.

1023
00:51:38,120 --> 00:51:41,319
Speaker 2: But what happened was the transition car was supposed to

1024
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 2: be like for by the way. I came out of

1025
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:45,480
Speaker 2: the hospital and my partner was like the minivan came up.

1026
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:47,360
Speaker 1: I was like, what is this?

1027
00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:49,200
Speaker 3: He was like, oh, I got you a minivan?

1028
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:50,440
Speaker 1: Oh what?

1029
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:51,680
Speaker 3: I got me a minivan?

1030
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:54,040
Speaker 2: And I'm went on the thing and I get in

1031
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:56,360
Speaker 2: the car and I'm like okay, and I wound.

1032
00:51:56,239 --> 00:51:58,360
Speaker 3: Up keeping it for I don't know, a couple of

1033
00:51:58,400 --> 00:52:01,640
Speaker 3: years because I felt safe. Yeah, but at one point

1034
00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:02,960
Speaker 3: my niece.

1035
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:10,560
Speaker 2: Shout out to Asie, was like, are.

1036
00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:12,840
Speaker 3: You gonna make an for the rest of your life?

1037
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:14,719
Speaker 3: And I was like, well, I don't know that. We

1038
00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:16,960
Speaker 3: were trying to figure out what car is me in

1039
00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:18,080
Speaker 3: this version of me.

1040
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:19,880
Speaker 2: I remember sitting in the parking lot with her and

1041
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:22,080
Speaker 2: we were talking and we were like and it just came.

1042
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:26,359
Speaker 3: Like She's like you you're like something classic, something that's

1043
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:29,960
Speaker 3: like timeless, okay, and I don't know what we figured out.

1044
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:31,040
Speaker 3: She was like, oh, Porsche.

1045
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:32,520
Speaker 1: I was like, I've never had a Porsche.

1046
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,399
Speaker 3: She was like, get a poorche that'd say. And I've

1047
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:38,000
Speaker 3: got one and now it's Porch, however, and I've been

1048
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:40,439
Speaker 3: driving it ever since. That's my that's my car.

1049
00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 2: But yeah, so there's like, yeah, you know, you have

1050
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:46,279
Speaker 2: to figure out I don't know, there's something here with it.

1051
00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:48,359
Speaker 1: There's something there, something here. I'll tell you one thing

1052
00:52:48,719 --> 00:52:52,319
Speaker 1: when it comes to minute, I ain't no minivan. I

1053
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:54,719
Speaker 1: ain't going I'm not going that far from from from

1054
00:52:54,760 --> 00:52:55,160
Speaker 1: fer work.

1055
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:56,440
Speaker 3: You don't want to date a minivan.

1056
00:52:56,960 --> 00:52:59,359
Speaker 1: No, I don't want to date a minute. I'm cool

1057
00:52:59,400 --> 00:52:59,600
Speaker 1: on that.

1058
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:02,680
Speaker 3: Uh yeah, I see you in a range Rover. Yeah,

1059
00:53:02,719 --> 00:53:03,359
Speaker 3: I see you dating.

1060
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:03,920
Speaker 1: That's my car.

1061
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:05,400
Speaker 3: I see you dating a range.

1062
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:06,600
Speaker 1: Rover, and that's my car.

1063
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:07,600
Speaker 3: That's my truck.

1064
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:13,719
Speaker 2: Like shiny, but safe and and like not necessarily a

1065
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:15,040
Speaker 2: sports vehicle.

1066
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:18,439
Speaker 1: No, it's very it's very reliable, very safe, but fly

1067
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:19,399
Speaker 1: and fly.

1068
00:53:20,040 --> 00:53:22,439
Speaker 3: Yeah, there you go. I like it. You go find

1069
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:25,560
Speaker 3: you another, Go find your range Rover.

1070
00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:29,040
Speaker 1: Okay, that's crazy. I named your car, you name my car.

1071
00:53:29,120 --> 00:53:29,800
Speaker 3: That's so funny.

1072
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:30,440
Speaker 1: That is crazy.

1073
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 3: That's what we're doing, the right thing right in real life. Oh,

1074
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:33,399
Speaker 3: let's go to your bowl?

1075
00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:35,440
Speaker 1: Can we do both bowl?

1076
00:53:35,680 --> 00:53:37,319
Speaker 3: Go in some questions and then I have some in

1077
00:53:37,360 --> 00:53:38,880
Speaker 3: real lives that will go through it. You you go

1078
00:53:38,920 --> 00:53:40,600
Speaker 3: in there. Okay, good carry.

1079
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:41,200
Speaker 1: How many am I doing?

1080
00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:47,120
Speaker 3: Try one? Think a good one. There's just real life questions,

1081
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:48,040
Speaker 3: nothing but crazy.

1082
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:49,680
Speaker 1: All right.

1083
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:53,600
Speaker 3: I got one real quick before you read yours. What

1084
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:57,279
Speaker 3: do you like most about yourself? Oh?

1085
00:53:57,360 --> 00:54:06,760
Speaker 1: That's oh. I like how content I am with myself.

1086
00:54:07,880 --> 00:54:09,680
Speaker 1: I look out into the world and I see that

1087
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:15,000
Speaker 1: that's rare. People are like scrambling and seeking validation and

1088
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:19,680
Speaker 1: dating people sometimes for validation to feel like I'm a

1089
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,760
Speaker 1: wife or to feel like, you know, I've been chosen.

1090
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:24,520
Speaker 1: I've been validated. I've been you know. And they buy

1091
00:54:24,560 --> 00:54:26,520
Speaker 1: things they don't need for that reason, and they do,

1092
00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:30,000
Speaker 1: you know. I love how content I am in my life.

1093
00:54:30,080 --> 00:54:31,520
Speaker 1: That's one of my favorite things.

1094
00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:33,400
Speaker 3: What is the key to What do you think the

1095
00:54:33,480 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 3: key to that has been for you?

1096
00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:36,160
Speaker 1: Oh?

1097
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:38,799
Speaker 3: Maybe being down in the valley and coming back up

1098
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:39,120
Speaker 3: out of the.

1099
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:42,520
Speaker 1: Valley maybe, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just when you come

1100
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,960
Speaker 1: out and how we said things have to have meaning.

1101
00:54:45,239 --> 00:54:49,520
Speaker 1: I think maybe it's that something around there, Yeah, just

1102
00:54:49,560 --> 00:54:54,279
Speaker 1: things a dulled like and in COVID too. I don't

1103
00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:55,520
Speaker 1: know if you were like me, but I got rid

1104
00:54:55,560 --> 00:54:59,200
Speaker 1: of a lot of shit you did. Yes, I purged.

1105
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:03,719
Speaker 1: I'm still purging. I Purching stuff does not mean the

1106
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,840
Speaker 1: same as it once did. Wow, I am so content

1107
00:55:06,880 --> 00:55:10,479
Speaker 1: with the few bags that I kept and the okay,

1108
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:12,080
Speaker 1: it's not a few bags and it's not a few shoes,

1109
00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:15,360
Speaker 1: but it's way less, it's way less, way less, Like

1110
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:17,680
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean anything, even my stylust. It's like you're

1111
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:21,279
Speaker 1: gonna get rid of that. I'm like, yeah, she's like,

1112
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:26,000
Speaker 1: you have changed. We're talking watches, we're talking stuff like stuff, stuff,

1113
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:28,920
Speaker 1: it's just stuff. I'm like, I don't want excess anymore.

1114
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:33,560
Speaker 1: I lived in excess. My closet was ridiculous. I don't

1115
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:36,279
Speaker 1: want excess. I don't need extra. I just need what

1116
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:39,719
Speaker 1: I need. Wow, you know. But and I'm still doing it.

1117
00:55:39,719 --> 00:55:42,840
Speaker 1: I'm still purging, like, have a great closet still. No,

1118
00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:45,719
Speaker 1: it's good, it's good. Good, it's good, it's great. It's great,

1119
00:55:45,760 --> 00:55:46,800
Speaker 1: but it's not excessive.

1120
00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:49,279
Speaker 2: But you know what's interesting about with the closet and

1121
00:55:49,280 --> 00:55:51,839
Speaker 2: also with life, it's like if you clear out the ship,

1122
00:55:52,480 --> 00:55:54,680
Speaker 2: not the ship, but the stuff that doesn't really mean anything,

1123
00:55:55,440 --> 00:55:58,160
Speaker 2: you see the things clearer that really mean.

1124
00:55:58,080 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 1: That, Yeah, that you really love.

1125
00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:01,040
Speaker 3: That's why I need to do it.

1126
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:03,040
Speaker 2: My closet is a mess right now, and I feel

1127
00:56:03,040 --> 00:56:05,279
Speaker 2: like I'm I will be a happier person if I

1128
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:05,960
Speaker 2: could get to that.

1129
00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:09,719
Speaker 1: Here's my advice. Yeah, don't overwhelm myself. Just take it

1130
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:10,439
Speaker 1: section by siding.

1131
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:11,080
Speaker 3: That's the problem.

1132
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:13,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel oh, because it gets dirty or before

1133
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:14,920
Speaker 4: it gets better, you're.

1134
00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:18,160
Speaker 1: Looking at the whole project, right, I do shoes just

1135
00:56:18,400 --> 00:56:21,520
Speaker 1: do flats. Okay, just do Oxford's one day. Just do

1136
00:56:22,239 --> 00:56:24,080
Speaker 1: heals one day, you know what I mean? And not

1137
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:27,040
Speaker 1: the same week, Like, just take it when you feel,

1138
00:56:27,080 --> 00:56:29,640
Speaker 1: when it hits you. P one section and I'm gonna

1139
00:56:29,640 --> 00:56:32,680
Speaker 1: attack just this section. What in here do I love?

1140
00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:33,600
Speaker 1: When in here?

1141
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:35,680
Speaker 3: You're in Atlanta? And my clause is probably way bigger

1142
00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:37,040
Speaker 3: than mine. So I have a small closet.

1143
00:56:37,120 --> 00:56:40,720
Speaker 1: Well, I had to make other closets, other rooms, closets.

1144
00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:44,200
Speaker 2: Yeah sure, But all right, I'm going to declutter. You've

1145
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:48,160
Speaker 2: inspired me to declutter. Okay, it has literally been I

1146
00:56:48,400 --> 00:56:51,600
Speaker 2: feel it. I'm bad, I'm caring. Okay, Okay, on my back.

1147
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:52,000
Speaker 3: All right.

1148
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:53,040
Speaker 1: That's when you know it's time.

1149
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 3: It's so time de clutter. Okay, all right, I'm inspired.

1150
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,440
Speaker 3: All Right, you get another one. That was my question

1151
00:56:59,440 --> 00:57:02,680
Speaker 3: that you answered so oh no, but it's fine. It's good.

1152
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:03,600
Speaker 1: I'm like, is that not?

1153
00:57:03,719 --> 00:57:03,879
Speaker 4: No?

1154
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:05,879
Speaker 3: No, that's good, you did it right. One more?

1155
00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:10,480
Speaker 1: What is it one value you think we're losing as

1156
00:57:10,520 --> 00:57:16,640
Speaker 1: a society that's heavy. Yeah, there are a lot of values.

1157
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:20,720
Speaker 1: One that first came to mind, and I don't want

1158
00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:25,959
Speaker 1: to sound I'll just say it, but I think Kuth

1159
00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:26,960
Speaker 1: and class.

1160
00:57:27,440 --> 00:57:32,280
Speaker 3: You know, I think we're losing and I blame social

1161
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:34,360
Speaker 3: media for this. It's because everybody's opinion.

1162
00:57:34,800 --> 00:57:38,240
Speaker 2: But I think we're losing like empathy, because he's looking

1163
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:39,320
Speaker 2: for like, what's wrong with that?

1164
00:57:39,840 --> 00:57:42,120
Speaker 3: How can I call it? We just we look for

1165
00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:43,080
Speaker 3: the easy thing.

1166
00:57:42,920 --> 00:57:45,120
Speaker 2: That's wrong with things and kind of lean to that

1167
00:57:45,200 --> 00:57:48,200
Speaker 2: as opposed to like, what must must that person have

1168
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:50,040
Speaker 2: been through to have experienced that?

1169
00:57:50,320 --> 00:57:54,080
Speaker 3: Yes, what must that person be living with to put that?

1170
00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:54,240
Speaker 1: For?

1171
00:57:54,360 --> 00:57:57,360
Speaker 3: I just feel like the world could use a little

1172
00:57:57,360 --> 00:57:57,960
Speaker 3: more empathy.

1173
00:57:58,240 --> 00:58:02,240
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, we're not seeking to understand anything. We're seeking

1174
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:05,280
Speaker 1: to attack, We're seeking to diminish, we're seeking to devalue,

1175
00:58:05,320 --> 00:58:08,880
Speaker 1: we're seeking to make a joke. You know, we're just

1176
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:13,080
Speaker 1: looking to We don't care about anyone's feelings or any

1177
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:16,080
Speaker 1: humans or what makes them.

1178
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:20,680
Speaker 3: Put yourself back in the in the excited.

1179
00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:24,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm excited because I'm a habit. How I want it?

1180
00:58:24,920 --> 00:58:25,640
Speaker 3: Period?

1181
00:58:26,320 --> 00:58:26,520
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1182
00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:29,040
Speaker 3: How do you do that? Watch me?

1183
00:58:32,040 --> 00:58:33,120
Speaker 1: I'm doing it right now?

1184
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:37,000
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, I love that for you in real life.

1185
00:58:37,160 --> 00:58:40,120
Speaker 2: Let's see here, in real life, if God were to

1186
00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:42,560
Speaker 2: text you right now, what would it say?

1187
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:43,160
Speaker 3: Oh?

1188
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:50,120
Speaker 1: If God texts me right now, the text from God

1189
00:58:50,240 --> 00:59:04,080
Speaker 1: would say I'm so proud of you. We're moving forward,

1190
00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:09,000
Speaker 1: we're moving on, and your dad says hi and he

1191
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:09,560
Speaker 1: loves you.

1192
00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:19,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, that text would take you down because it almost did.

1193
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:23,720
Speaker 2: Just now, it almost to imaginary text me out now,

1194
00:59:23,960 --> 00:59:27,560
Speaker 2: because that's what you it's a question, right, but it

1195
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:28,880
Speaker 2: is an imaginary text.

1196
00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:32,360
Speaker 3: But that is also what you probably hope.

1197
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:36,720
Speaker 1: Yes, clearly, I would hope that I'm is what we're done. Yeah,

1198
00:59:37,040 --> 00:59:39,600
Speaker 1: job well done, job well done. I would really really

1199
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:43,440
Speaker 1: I do want to be pleasing in God's eyes. And

1200
00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:46,000
Speaker 1: it's hard in this industry. It's hard to have that

1201
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:52,840
Speaker 1: be a part of your your heart because a lot

1202
00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:59,640
Speaker 1: of what you're called and asked and kind of what's

1203
00:59:59,720 --> 01:00:04,000
Speaker 1: normal is kind of in a lot of ways opposite

1204
01:00:04,360 --> 01:00:10,280
Speaker 1: what you think would be proud of. Yeah, so walking

1205
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:14,800
Speaker 1: towing that line is is is difficult. But hmm yeah

1206
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:19,040
Speaker 1: and your dad yeah mm hmm. I ain't about to

1207
01:00:19,040 --> 01:00:19,439
Speaker 1: cry again.

1208
01:00:20,160 --> 01:00:21,040
Speaker 3: Where are we going here?

1209
01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:25,280
Speaker 2: So I just think, you know, it's like we're that age,

1210
01:00:25,760 --> 01:00:27,439
Speaker 2: you know, like once you hit the age is things

1211
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:29,880
Speaker 2: your life changes, and the people that are closest to

1212
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:32,120
Speaker 2: us are now our relationship with them is different because

1213
01:00:32,120 --> 01:00:33,760
Speaker 2: they're not here in the physical form.

1214
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, I to tell you something beautiful about that though,

1215
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:40,880
Speaker 1: as close as we were, and we were close, because

1216
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:44,320
Speaker 1: that is someone like I could curse around and like

1217
01:00:44,480 --> 01:00:48,400
Speaker 1: just be completely myself around. I've always wanted to impress

1218
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:51,000
Speaker 1: him too. But when I became an adult, like I

1219
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:53,920
Speaker 1: just he was so cool. He was so cool, so cool.

1220
01:00:54,240 --> 01:00:57,360
Speaker 1: My dad was like word like gold rings all over

1221
01:00:57,440 --> 01:01:02,320
Speaker 1: his hands, you know, just cool guy, right, cracking dirty,

1222
01:01:02,480 --> 01:01:06,040
Speaker 1: you know, not dirty, but crass jokes and things. But

1223
01:01:07,480 --> 01:01:09,200
Speaker 1: and I don't know if you've experienced, have you lost

1224
01:01:09,240 --> 01:01:09,840
Speaker 1: a parents.

1225
01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:12,120
Speaker 2: Ye, well, not a parent, okay, but just family members Okay,

1226
01:01:12,240 --> 01:01:14,000
Speaker 2: grandmother that was a very close to grandmother.

1227
01:01:14,440 --> 01:01:15,400
Speaker 1: I don't know if you can relate.

1228
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:18,360
Speaker 3: But I feel close, even closer to my.

1229
01:01:18,400 --> 01:01:23,919
Speaker 1: Dad really in whatever room he's in, whatever realm he's in,

1230
01:01:25,320 --> 01:01:28,280
Speaker 1: I feel even closer. And that's saying a lot. If

1231
01:01:28,280 --> 01:01:30,960
Speaker 1: anyone knew me and my dad, like, that's saying a lot.

1232
01:01:31,160 --> 01:01:34,600
Speaker 1: But I'm like, wow, I feel closer to you. I

1233
01:01:34,640 --> 01:01:38,480
Speaker 1: hear you, I smell you sometimes, I know that you're present,

1234
01:01:38,560 --> 01:01:40,520
Speaker 1: I know that you're watching. I get what I feel

1235
01:01:40,600 --> 01:01:44,680
Speaker 1: are messages from you. He appears in my dreams and

1236
01:01:45,120 --> 01:01:46,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, I'm more aware of you in your

1237
01:01:46,800 --> 01:01:49,160
Speaker 1: pat in that other I'm more aware of you because

1238
01:01:49,200 --> 01:01:50,880
Speaker 1: you know, we take people for granted. We do.

1239
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:51,760
Speaker 3: We do.

1240
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:54,600
Speaker 1: We don't mean to, but we do. And when they're gone,

1241
01:01:55,040 --> 01:01:57,919
Speaker 1: you're like, yes, for a while you're painfully aware of them,

1242
01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:02,040
Speaker 1: but on the other side of that grief, it's like

1243
01:02:02,320 --> 01:02:06,960
Speaker 1: you're just beautifully aware of them. And that's where I am.

1244
01:02:07,040 --> 01:02:11,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my God, and he orchestrates things where

1245
01:02:11,280 --> 01:02:15,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, you're an angel for me now and our

1246
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,520
Speaker 1: family like you're you know, things have come together in

1247
01:02:17,600 --> 01:02:20,960
Speaker 1: certain ways that I'm like, only you couldn't have done

1248
01:02:20,960 --> 01:02:23,360
Speaker 1: that in your body. You could not have inspired that,

1249
01:02:23,440 --> 01:02:25,760
Speaker 1: even though I'm sure you wanted it. Certain things that occur,

1250
01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:28,520
Speaker 1: but like, he can do so much more from wherever

1251
01:02:28,560 --> 01:02:31,120
Speaker 1: the hell he is let me not put hell in

1252
01:02:31,120 --> 01:02:35,960
Speaker 1: that word, Like wherever the heaven he is, he's doing

1253
01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:40,760
Speaker 1: so much. It's so it's so it's it's oh it hurts,

1254
01:02:41,080 --> 01:02:43,280
Speaker 1: but it's so beautiful after that.

1255
01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:46,360
Speaker 2: That's so nice to hear because I think you know,

1256
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:48,520
Speaker 2: people say when people when we lose somebody important, people

1257
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:51,120
Speaker 2: always say, well, they're always with you, and unless you're

1258
01:02:51,120 --> 01:02:53,480
Speaker 2: on the other side of the grief, you might that

1259
01:02:53,600 --> 01:02:55,040
Speaker 2: sounds almost cliche or.

1260
01:02:55,120 --> 01:02:56,520
Speaker 1: Something that you don't know what it means.

1261
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,800
Speaker 2: But the way you just explained it is exactly what

1262
01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:02,160
Speaker 2: that means, is exactly why people people who are connected

1263
01:03:02,200 --> 01:03:04,560
Speaker 2: to you will always be connected to Yeah.

1264
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:07,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I almost want to be like Dad, because

1265
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:09,800
Speaker 1: we're talking about you. Make a light flicker, Please make

1266
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:11,160
Speaker 1: a life flicker. If you're in this room, make a

1267
01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:14,360
Speaker 1: light flicker. Please, that would be cool. I don't know

1268
01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:15,160
Speaker 1: if you know how to do.

1269
01:03:15,080 --> 01:03:18,200
Speaker 2: That, but you have that much faith in your connection

1270
01:03:18,320 --> 01:03:19,560
Speaker 2: with him, then you feel like, I.

1271
01:03:19,480 --> 01:03:22,080
Speaker 1: Know he's here now because I know when I'm talking

1272
01:03:22,080 --> 01:03:24,240
Speaker 1: about him, like he's like he's near.

1273
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:25,160
Speaker 2: Wow.

1274
01:03:25,360 --> 01:03:28,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, I always feel that. Sometimes I'll smell his cologne

1275
01:03:28,160 --> 01:03:30,160
Speaker 1: or wow, he smoked cigarettes, I would smell like a

1276
01:03:30,240 --> 01:03:34,040
Speaker 1: smoke you know. So crazy, it's so crazy, but I

1277
01:03:34,720 --> 01:03:41,640
Speaker 1: feel like talking about him and sensing him makes then

1278
01:03:41,680 --> 01:03:44,160
Speaker 1: I feel him, you know. Or I see a sign

1279
01:03:44,280 --> 01:03:46,840
Speaker 1: or something, Yeah, you know a car he used to

1280
01:03:46,920 --> 01:03:49,760
Speaker 1: have or just something like that. It's just so it's.

1281
01:03:49,600 --> 01:03:52,200
Speaker 2: Really he's still there.

1282
01:03:52,440 --> 01:03:55,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, that's still present. Even more, I think

1283
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:57,400
Speaker 1: I just feel closer somehow.

1284
01:03:58,240 --> 01:04:00,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, it has that changed your relationship to your mom

1285
01:04:00,800 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 2: sometimes losing a parent one parent.

1286
01:04:03,360 --> 01:04:05,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just wonder how that ship.

1287
01:04:05,480 --> 01:04:11,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, we've grown even closer to it. Gave me a

1288
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:14,640
Speaker 1: fear though, because I don't want her to go. So

1289
01:04:14,680 --> 01:04:18,080
Speaker 1: I'm like, you're eating what you know we'll be on

1290
01:04:18,080 --> 01:04:19,439
Speaker 1: the show. She says, I'll take a number two.

1291
01:04:19,800 --> 01:04:20,080
Speaker 2: Am.

1292
01:04:20,680 --> 01:04:22,400
Speaker 3: What are you doing? Do you need your mom healthy?

1293
01:04:22,520 --> 01:04:22,720
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1294
01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:23,560
Speaker 1: I need health.

1295
01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:26,000
Speaker 3: I need you here. What are you doing?

1296
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:28,720
Speaker 1: I'm like, are you walking? You want to go walking?

1297
01:04:29,000 --> 01:04:30,919
Speaker 3: Let's you know you're going to the gym with your mom?

1298
01:04:31,240 --> 01:04:33,520
Speaker 1: Okay, I can't get her to I don't think I

1299
01:04:33,520 --> 01:04:36,360
Speaker 1: could go that from Maybe maybe she does, like my

1300
01:04:36,440 --> 01:04:38,880
Speaker 1: sister takes her to like jazz or size type, I

1301
01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:42,080
Speaker 1: don't know, zumba. Yeah, so that's fun, that's funny. Yeah,

1302
01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:47,600
Speaker 1: so she enjoys but walk her girlfriends. You're cherishing her presence.

1303
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:52,520
Speaker 1: I'm cherishing her presence while also fearful of her demise. Yeah,

1304
01:04:52,920 --> 01:04:54,120
Speaker 1: so it does kind of.

1305
01:04:54,080 --> 01:04:57,200
Speaker 2: Gets the quilt part of life is that everybody's just

1306
01:04:57,280 --> 01:04:58,760
Speaker 2: a beginning and end for every single.

1307
01:04:59,440 --> 01:05:03,600
Speaker 3: You can't really avoided no, you know, No, it's the

1308
01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:05,440
Speaker 3: suckiest part of life though, it really is.

1309
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:06,960
Speaker 1: It is, yeah, it is.

1310
01:05:07,080 --> 01:05:08,640
Speaker 2: I'm glad you're on the other side though. I'm glad

1311
01:05:08,680 --> 01:05:11,440
Speaker 2: you're okay. I'm sure it's still a soft spot.

1312
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:14,560
Speaker 1: But yeah, but yeah, not that's not the same, not

1313
01:05:14,600 --> 01:05:17,640
Speaker 1: the same certain maybe subjects, certain subjects around it. Yes,

1314
01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:20,800
Speaker 1: but yeah, I just I just I need my mom

1315
01:05:20,840 --> 01:05:23,280
Speaker 1: because that mom, when I think, is still different. Dad

1316
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:26,040
Speaker 1: is dad, but like mom is mom, you know. So

1317
01:05:28,040 --> 01:05:29,640
Speaker 1: it did give me that fear. And I'm not a

1318
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:31,720
Speaker 1: person with a lot of fears. I don't have a

1319
01:05:31,720 --> 01:05:32,560
Speaker 1: lot of fears anymore.

1320
01:05:32,680 --> 01:05:37,560
Speaker 3: Really, no, no, what scares you? Something has to just that.

1321
01:05:37,680 --> 01:05:40,200
Speaker 1: Really, that's the only thing I could really recall. I mean,

1322
01:05:40,240 --> 01:05:48,600
Speaker 1: I guess, uh snakes, you know, like it's I'm really

1323
01:05:48,640 --> 01:05:51,040
Speaker 1: not a scary I don't have a lot of fears anymore.

1324
01:05:51,160 --> 01:05:51,400
Speaker 2: Wow.

1325
01:05:51,440 --> 01:05:55,880
Speaker 1: And coming back to the industry and like clickbait fucking

1326
01:05:55,920 --> 01:06:01,080
Speaker 1: scares me, uh lies about myself character attack Like I

1327
01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:03,160
Speaker 1: like to be seen and known for who I am,

1328
01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:06,440
Speaker 1: who I really am. Yeah, I just I don't have

1329
01:06:06,480 --> 01:06:07,280
Speaker 1: a lot of fears.

1330
01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:09,000
Speaker 3: It's a good way to live.

1331
01:06:09,720 --> 01:06:13,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't fear. Some women fear not having children

1332
01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:16,640
Speaker 1: or not being married, and I don't have those fears, really,

1333
01:06:16,840 --> 01:06:18,320
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't.

1334
01:06:19,080 --> 01:06:22,080
Speaker 3: It's a lot of peace that comes with that life.

1335
01:06:22,120 --> 01:06:25,760
Speaker 4: Also, by the way, for you, oh yeah, yes, yeah,

1336
01:06:25,800 --> 01:06:30,800
Speaker 4: because kids are great and spouses can be great, but

1337
01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:33,120
Speaker 4: not always.

1338
01:06:33,080 --> 01:06:34,560
Speaker 1: Not always.

1339
01:06:34,840 --> 01:06:39,160
Speaker 3: That's a very I mean beatul not always.

1340
01:06:39,240 --> 01:06:42,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it always it's not always the most peaceful

1341
01:06:42,640 --> 01:06:44,000
Speaker 2: things either, by the way.

1342
01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:48,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, my house is very quiet and peaceful, very quiet

1343
01:06:48,120 --> 01:06:50,080
Speaker 1: and very peaceful. My life is loud enough.

1344
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:51,960
Speaker 3: All right, So what is this new season now that.

1345
01:06:51,880 --> 01:06:53,480
Speaker 1: We are at But I would welcome a child and

1346
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:57,360
Speaker 1: a husband. Let me not right, you know, I'm not

1347
01:06:57,400 --> 01:07:00,280
Speaker 1: trying to like say that it's not something I would

1348
01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:03,320
Speaker 1: want or I would push away like no, I'm not bitter,

1349
01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:05,520
Speaker 1: I'm not broken, I'm not on heel like I'm not

1350
01:07:05,960 --> 01:07:06,160
Speaker 1: you know.

1351
01:07:06,440 --> 01:07:07,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's fine.

1352
01:07:07,960 --> 01:07:10,200
Speaker 1: I'm fine. I'm just fine. But and if it came,

1353
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:13,520
Speaker 1: it would be great too, if it happened, like we're

1354
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:16,120
Speaker 1: not like at the point where we're aborting. I'm not

1355
01:07:16,280 --> 01:07:17,360
Speaker 1: doing that, you know what I mean?

1356
01:07:17,480 --> 01:07:22,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, So what would that have to let you? Uh,

1357
01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:24,200
Speaker 3: I don't know.

1358
01:07:24,280 --> 01:07:25,560
Speaker 1: I just hope they're quiet people.

1359
01:07:26,320 --> 01:07:28,000
Speaker 2: There was a question of real in real life, and

1360
01:07:28,040 --> 01:07:29,680
Speaker 2: there's one in there in the bowl. It says, if

1361
01:07:29,680 --> 01:07:32,360
Speaker 2: your heart had a rule book, what are two qualities

1362
01:07:32,360 --> 01:07:34,760
Speaker 2: that would be written in bold when it comes to

1363
01:07:34,800 --> 01:07:35,360
Speaker 2: a partner?

1364
01:07:36,160 --> 01:07:40,480
Speaker 1: Like, what qualities would have to be written in bold.

1365
01:07:40,160 --> 01:07:41,480
Speaker 3: When it comes to a partner?

1366
01:07:41,680 --> 01:07:53,560
Speaker 1: Ooh, okay, fourth right, like all the let me just

1367
01:07:53,600 --> 01:07:56,440
Speaker 1: get fourth right? Honest, truthful, trustworthy.

1368
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:58,640
Speaker 3: Those are pretty much all the same thing. But yeah,

1369
01:07:58,640 --> 01:07:59,680
Speaker 3: they're all Yeah.

1370
01:07:59,720 --> 01:08:02,120
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that's one category, but I don't want

1371
01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:08,439
Speaker 1: one without the other. Generous. I've never really I don't

1372
01:08:08,440 --> 01:08:12,120
Speaker 1: receive much in love. I haven't to date, received that

1373
01:08:12,400 --> 01:08:17,479
Speaker 1: much in love relationships. So someone who's generous with their energy,

1374
01:08:17,600 --> 01:08:22,880
Speaker 1: their time, thoughtfulness, gifts, you know, like, I'm open to

1375
01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:26,240
Speaker 1: receiving and seeing what that fucking feels like.

1376
01:08:27,800 --> 01:08:31,839
Speaker 2: I'm surprised you haven't experienced that dating ferraris and dating

1377
01:08:33,560 --> 01:08:37,000
Speaker 2: you know, you've been in relationships like I would imagine

1378
01:08:37,000 --> 01:08:38,040
Speaker 2: that you would have received that.

1379
01:08:38,160 --> 01:08:42,120
Speaker 1: No, not really, No, I think they just perceived she

1380
01:08:42,240 --> 01:08:46,320
Speaker 1: can buy it herself, you know, And if there's something

1381
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:50,679
Speaker 1: that I want, I would buy it myself. But no,

1382
01:08:50,800 --> 01:08:53,040
Speaker 1: like having someone's card and just going to like I

1383
01:08:53,160 --> 01:08:54,240
Speaker 1: want to know what that feels like.

1384
01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:54,519
Speaker 2: Now.

1385
01:08:54,560 --> 01:08:57,600
Speaker 1: I did have a guy I told my last relationship.

1386
01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:01,559
Speaker 1: Actually he was like, what, no one's ever taken you shopping?

1387
01:09:02,600 --> 01:09:04,800
Speaker 1: I was like no, but they would be like, if

1388
01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:07,000
Speaker 1: you see something you like, put it up here, something

1389
01:09:07,080 --> 01:09:12,840
Speaker 1: one thing, you know what I mean. And so when

1390
01:09:12,840 --> 01:09:14,760
Speaker 1: he learned that he was, he took me on a

1391
01:09:14,760 --> 01:09:18,240
Speaker 1: shopping spree and then we went like gambling and palm

1392
01:09:18,280 --> 01:09:21,559
Speaker 1: springs like you know, we like it was just a

1393
01:09:21,600 --> 01:09:24,360
Speaker 1: whole shopping day. Whole shopping day that sounds. We drove

1394
01:09:24,439 --> 01:09:27,080
Speaker 1: to yes, and we drove in, you know, and I

1395
01:09:27,120 --> 01:09:30,040
Speaker 1: got to spend. I got to gamble however much money

1396
01:09:30,040 --> 01:09:32,360
Speaker 1: I wanted to get, like and not my own money,

1397
01:09:32,400 --> 01:09:34,000
Speaker 1: so I didn't have to think about anything. It was fun.

1398
01:09:34,000 --> 01:09:34,519
Speaker 3: That was fun.

1399
01:09:35,200 --> 01:09:39,519
Speaker 1: But for the first time, at like forty, I was like, damn,

1400
01:09:40,080 --> 01:09:42,439
Speaker 1: like other women, that's that's something I would love to experience.

1401
01:09:42,439 --> 01:09:46,000
Speaker 1: So generosity, generosity because they had it. I'm not dating

1402
01:09:46,200 --> 01:09:47,639
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. These guys have it.

1403
01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:50,599
Speaker 3: I remember I saw you on some I think it

1404
01:09:50,680 --> 01:09:54,200
Speaker 3: was camp did a pod. You had Cam's pott and

1405
01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:56,240
Speaker 3: you said that you had wish you had gotten out

1406
01:09:56,280 --> 01:09:58,719
Speaker 3: of that relationship sooner. Sooner.

1407
01:09:58,880 --> 01:10:02,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, I thought that was Yes, what was that I

1408
01:10:02,280 --> 01:10:02,680
Speaker 1: learned that?

1409
01:10:02,720 --> 01:10:03,280
Speaker 3: I learned that?

1410
01:10:03,360 --> 01:10:05,240
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I found that so interesting because I think

1411
01:10:05,240 --> 01:10:08,120
Speaker 2: people stay in comfort fear.

1412
01:10:08,760 --> 01:10:11,479
Speaker 3: Like you said, people think you have to have a partner,

1413
01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:13,240
Speaker 3: so they stay for longer.

1414
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:16,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, and they want that. They want the end result.

1415
01:10:16,320 --> 01:10:18,040
Speaker 1: They want the ring, they want the wedding, they want

1416
01:10:18,040 --> 01:10:20,559
Speaker 1: the dress, they want the house, they want the car,

1417
01:10:20,640 --> 01:10:23,000
Speaker 1: they want everything that goes along. They may want the child,

1418
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:23,719
Speaker 1: they may want.

1419
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:25,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, why did you do it?

1420
01:10:25,920 --> 01:10:26,599
Speaker 1: Why did I leave?

1421
01:10:26,720 --> 01:10:26,800
Speaker 2: No?

1422
01:10:26,880 --> 01:10:28,559
Speaker 3: Why did you not get out sooner?

1423
01:10:29,400 --> 01:10:33,400
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, same? But nah same, you know.

1424
01:10:33,640 --> 01:10:37,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, like you had pretty so much to believe.

1425
01:10:36,800 --> 01:10:39,120
Speaker 1: That I made a good choice in this person. I

1426
01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:41,759
Speaker 1: wanted to believe that what I thought I saw was real,

1427
01:10:42,439 --> 01:10:44,719
Speaker 1: So I was waiting to kind of see the glimpses

1428
01:10:44,760 --> 01:10:46,920
Speaker 1: of that, and he just kept showing me. I'm a

1429
01:10:46,920 --> 01:10:50,800
Speaker 1: fuck boy, it's not gonna be bad, like I am

1430
01:10:50,840 --> 01:10:58,120
Speaker 1: who I am. And I learned to leave sooner, like

1431
01:10:58,160 --> 01:11:01,240
Speaker 1: I don't overstay anymore. And I could be I'm a

1432
01:11:01,320 --> 01:11:04,680
Speaker 1: sad so people call sagittarius like noncommittal. I could I

1433
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:07,840
Speaker 1: could maybe resemble that. Yes, you saw how I move,

1434
01:11:07,960 --> 01:11:12,599
Speaker 1: but but I do believe. I just I'm not willing

1435
01:11:12,600 --> 01:11:15,960
Speaker 1: to settle on certain factors. I don't want it that

1436
01:11:16,040 --> 01:11:20,400
Speaker 1: bad to like suffer through you know, I do not

1437
01:11:20,479 --> 01:11:26,040
Speaker 1: doing that. Wow, you tried, though, I'd be trying. I

1438
01:11:26,160 --> 01:11:28,599
Speaker 1: be trying. I'd be trying.

1439
01:11:28,920 --> 01:11:31,160
Speaker 2: When do you know when somebody who's watching this now,

1440
01:11:31,200 --> 01:11:34,360
Speaker 2: who's thinks they probably should have left already and they

1441
01:11:34,400 --> 01:11:35,680
Speaker 2: haven't yet, when do you know?

1442
01:11:39,479 --> 01:11:42,960
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's the same for everybody. We

1443
01:11:43,080 --> 01:11:47,640
Speaker 1: all have I think our different levels of awareness and

1444
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:54,000
Speaker 1: also like some people could take licks, some people could

1445
01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:57,000
Speaker 1: take blows out here, no, I know, sometimes stuck around

1446
01:11:57,000 --> 01:12:01,200
Speaker 1: through that like you know people some blows out hers. Yeah,

1447
01:12:01,240 --> 01:12:02,880
Speaker 1: I think we have different what is that word?

1448
01:12:04,640 --> 01:12:08,519
Speaker 2: I don't know, just different lines, different barometers, different yes.

1449
01:12:08,040 --> 01:12:12,280
Speaker 1: Yes, different material you're made of teflon, yes, And I'm

1450
01:12:12,960 --> 01:12:18,920
Speaker 1: nothing else right, So for me, I think, you know, well,

1451
01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:22,960
Speaker 1: this is how I knew more than more times than

1452
01:12:22,960 --> 01:12:25,320
Speaker 1: I I would pray a certain prayer that always got answered.

1453
01:12:25,560 --> 01:12:26,479
Speaker 3: Well, what is it.

1454
01:12:26,479 --> 01:12:29,160
Speaker 1: That prayer was? Something like I haven't said it in

1455
01:12:29,200 --> 01:12:30,960
Speaker 1: a long time, so it may not be as smooth

1456
01:12:31,000 --> 01:12:34,479
Speaker 1: as but it always got it always gets answered. But

1457
01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:43,320
Speaker 1: I would say Lord, if this is not where who

1458
01:12:43,479 --> 01:12:51,360
Speaker 1: and where I'm supposed to stay or be, let me know,

1459
01:12:52,479 --> 01:12:57,000
Speaker 1: knock me down if you have to. I'll know, I'll

1460
01:12:57,040 --> 01:12:59,519
Speaker 1: hear you. I'll accept that it is you. I'll know

1461
01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:01,800
Speaker 1: that it was you, and I can walk away with

1462
01:13:01,840 --> 01:13:08,400
Speaker 1: the knowing as opposed to guessing or fear or anything else, right,

1463
01:13:08,479 --> 01:13:11,040
Speaker 1: And so I would just pray that, like, just knock

1464
01:13:11,040 --> 01:13:13,160
Speaker 1: me down if you have to, please like take it

1465
01:13:13,240 --> 01:13:15,240
Speaker 1: to rip it out of my hands if you must,

1466
01:13:15,720 --> 01:13:17,400
Speaker 1: because there was a time when it was like that

1467
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:19,519
Speaker 1: had would have had to be the case, you know,

1468
01:13:20,400 --> 01:13:22,880
Speaker 1: And because I just I was somewhere and I just

1469
01:13:23,040 --> 01:13:25,840
Speaker 1: I this was early this is the next relationship after

1470
01:13:25,840 --> 01:13:28,439
Speaker 1: the eleven years, and I just couldn't leave. I saw

1471
01:13:29,040 --> 01:13:32,240
Speaker 1: so much I couldn't even believe that I was still there.

1472
01:13:33,200 --> 01:13:37,600
Speaker 1: Like yeah, So I prayed that prayer and I was like,

1473
01:13:39,080 --> 01:13:42,960
Speaker 1: I mean it just all started revealing itself.

1474
01:13:43,040 --> 01:13:44,200
Speaker 3: Wow. Yeah.

1475
01:13:44,520 --> 01:13:46,400
Speaker 1: So and I tried it again the next really, you know,

1476
01:13:46,439 --> 01:13:48,439
Speaker 1: and it was it was like I was like, oh, okay, so.

1477
01:13:48,600 --> 01:13:49,240
Speaker 3: This prayer work.

1478
01:13:49,320 --> 01:13:54,439
Speaker 1: It's a dangerous you gotta be careful because it's Yeah,

1479
01:13:54,640 --> 01:13:57,880
Speaker 1: I even the last time I used it, things kept

1480
01:13:58,040 --> 01:14:00,640
Speaker 1: revealing even after I had left, to make sure that

1481
01:14:00,680 --> 01:14:04,479
Speaker 1: I stay gone. I guess, right, because do you ask

1482
01:14:04,520 --> 01:14:07,160
Speaker 1: to be asked to be knocked down? And he was like, ah,

1483
01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:09,280
Speaker 1: just in case you're still vulnerable, let me show you this,

1484
01:14:09,360 --> 01:14:10,880
Speaker 1: and let me show you this, and let me let

1485
01:14:11,120 --> 01:14:15,320
Speaker 1: your sister's friend's husband tell you what he experienced through

1486
01:14:15,360 --> 01:14:18,599
Speaker 1: your I could have been none. I should have been

1487
01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:20,840
Speaker 1: this man. Don't even know that I know, but it

1488
01:14:20,920 --> 01:14:25,360
Speaker 1: kept me away. I learned things after a breakup for months.

1489
01:14:25,800 --> 01:14:28,920
Speaker 1: Months after breakup. I was just like, you know, that's

1490
01:14:28,200 --> 01:14:31,559
Speaker 1: what you know. Wow, it's a it's a prayer. Now

1491
01:14:31,720 --> 01:14:34,000
Speaker 1: with that prayer, careful with that prayer. But I hope

1492
01:14:34,040 --> 01:14:35,840
Speaker 1: I'm not leaving anything out. Maybe I should sweet it

1493
01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:38,879
Speaker 1: like when I the fully Yeah, yeah, because.

1494
01:14:38,680 --> 01:14:40,519
Speaker 3: I send it to us. We'll put it on a

1495
01:14:40,520 --> 01:14:42,000
Speaker 3: little card on the I r L page, on the

1496
01:14:42,080 --> 01:14:43,479
Speaker 3: Instagram page. Quote.

1497
01:14:43,680 --> 01:14:45,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, I probably haven't written.

1498
01:14:45,080 --> 01:14:47,800
Speaker 2: Down as the carry of prayer put the car if

1499
01:14:47,800 --> 01:14:50,720
Speaker 2: you read it, If you read for sure, God wants

1500
01:14:50,720 --> 01:14:51,080
Speaker 2: you to know.

1501
01:14:51,200 --> 01:14:52,679
Speaker 3: Somebody needs that prayer today.

1502
01:14:52,880 --> 01:14:54,160
Speaker 1: Somebody needs this. God wants you.

1503
01:14:54,200 --> 01:14:55,920
Speaker 3: We're gonna put it up there. He wants you clear,

1504
01:14:56,040 --> 01:14:57,479
Speaker 3: all right, I know we're gonna lose you, but I

1505
01:14:57,479 --> 01:15:00,240
Speaker 3: know music is coming. Is all of this in the music? Yeah?

1506
01:15:00,240 --> 01:15:01,280
Speaker 3: Actually it is. Yeah.

1507
01:15:01,320 --> 01:15:05,120
Speaker 1: I tell one of the stories that we've kind of discussed.

1508
01:15:05,520 --> 01:15:11,599
Speaker 1: I tell one of the stories in an interesting way.

1509
01:15:12,560 --> 01:15:14,160
Speaker 3: And what's it called?

1510
01:15:14,760 --> 01:15:18,920
Speaker 1: So the project is called We Need to Talk and

1511
01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:22,479
Speaker 1: I broke it into three scenes. I call them Love,

1512
01:15:23,240 --> 01:15:26,559
Speaker 1: which is out now, Drama which is coming this weekend

1513
01:15:27,960 --> 01:15:33,479
Speaker 1: Friday Thursday night for you know, and then Redemption. So

1514
01:15:33,760 --> 01:15:36,880
Speaker 1: those are three themes like it. Literally the album goes

1515
01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:40,599
Speaker 1: through a lot of what we're talking about when we're

1516
01:15:40,640 --> 01:15:43,519
Speaker 1: you know, in the love department, like we're meeting someone

1517
01:15:43,560 --> 01:15:48,439
Speaker 1: and believing and seeing and hoping and you know, and

1518
01:15:48,520 --> 01:15:50,280
Speaker 1: just all the feels and all the things you're willing

1519
01:15:50,320 --> 01:15:55,920
Speaker 1: and wanting to do for your man, and that dreamy phase.

1520
01:15:56,360 --> 01:16:04,920
Speaker 1: And then drama, which it's kind of self explanatory, right, yeah,

1521
01:16:04,960 --> 01:16:07,080
Speaker 1: but you can you can literally on this album, you

1522
01:16:07,080 --> 01:16:09,880
Speaker 1: can hear me going through it in real time. Wow,

1523
01:16:10,760 --> 01:16:14,040
Speaker 1: that's all I'm gonna say. In real time. So uh,

1524
01:16:14,080 --> 01:16:17,439
Speaker 1: and then you hear me having redemption in real time?

1525
01:16:17,640 --> 01:16:18,880
Speaker 1: Do you talk about the shrooms?

1526
01:16:19,160 --> 01:16:21,439
Speaker 3: I don't, No, I don't know. I don't I don't.

1527
01:16:21,600 --> 01:16:21,960
Speaker 3: I don't.

1528
01:16:22,439 --> 01:16:24,799
Speaker 1: This is a love story. This is a love story.

1529
01:16:24,880 --> 01:16:26,640
Speaker 1: It's a love story, but not a fake one. It's

1530
01:16:26,680 --> 01:16:32,280
Speaker 1: a real one. It's one of my relationships. And I

1531
01:16:32,320 --> 01:16:35,320
Speaker 1: love the way I'm presenting this project. I really do.

1532
01:16:35,479 --> 01:16:38,200
Speaker 1: So I hope people like it. It's fine if you don't,

1533
01:16:38,240 --> 01:16:40,960
Speaker 1: but I have fun making it. Yeah, I'm satisfied.

1534
01:16:41,080 --> 01:16:43,800
Speaker 2: Well, congratulat, welcome back to thank you and.

1535
01:16:45,560 --> 01:16:49,479
Speaker 3: Your upswing from the turning up. You're turning up from

1536
01:16:49,520 --> 01:16:50,280
Speaker 3: the valley.

1537
01:16:50,439 --> 01:16:53,400
Speaker 2: Yes, And in real life we ask everybody in real

1538
01:16:53,439 --> 01:16:56,040
Speaker 2: life today, how are you on a scale?

1539
01:16:56,120 --> 01:16:56,639
Speaker 3: Once a time?

1540
01:16:57,320 --> 01:17:00,360
Speaker 1: Well, I'm happy with this interview. You're the start of

1541
01:17:00,400 --> 01:17:00,720
Speaker 1: my day.

1542
01:17:00,880 --> 01:17:01,360
Speaker 3: Thank you.

1543
01:17:01,960 --> 01:17:05,000
Speaker 1: So today I'm really happy and it's good to see you.

1544
01:17:05,000 --> 01:17:10,320
Speaker 1: You look great, you feel good you yeah, and you're

1545
01:17:10,360 --> 01:17:14,320
Speaker 1: you're safe and you know, I feel careful. I feel

1546
01:17:14,320 --> 01:17:19,679
Speaker 1: your care So I'm really happy. And and today it's

1547
01:17:19,800 --> 01:17:22,960
Speaker 1: fashion week. You know we're going into street. Yeah, I'm

1548
01:17:22,960 --> 01:17:26,160
Speaker 1: about to be these fashion streets. I'm excited for a

1549
01:17:26,200 --> 01:17:29,439
Speaker 1: lot of what's going on this week. So I'm really happy,

1550
01:17:29,800 --> 01:17:30,240
Speaker 1: very happy.

1551
01:17:30,240 --> 01:17:30,960
Speaker 3: So what's your number?

1552
01:17:31,479 --> 01:17:34,240
Speaker 1: Number? Oh, I think I'm like out of.

1553
01:17:34,160 --> 01:17:41,160
Speaker 3: Ten it is, Yeah, Karry Hillston everybody in real life.

1554
01:17:41,479 --> 01:17:44,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is Carrie Hillston in real life.

1555
01:17:45,400 --> 01:17:48,920
Speaker 2: For more episodes, you know to do, subscribe, like comments

1556
01:17:49,320 --> 01:17:50,960
Speaker 2: and we'll see you on the next I r L

1557
01:17:51,040 --> 01:17:51,519
Speaker 2: podcast