1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:04,200 Speaker 1: Everyone. I am so excited my book, my new book, 2 00:00:04,519 --> 00:00:09,400 Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love, is literally coming out in two weeks. 3 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,000 Speaker 1: It's on the thirty first of January. If you haven't 4 00:00:12,039 --> 00:00:14,840 Speaker 1: pre ordered it already, head over to eight Rules of 5 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,480 Speaker 1: Love dot com. And when you preorder, you get my 6 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,959 Speaker 1: free eight Cliches of Love workshop as soon as you 7 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:25,200 Speaker 1: pre order on the website. So if you've pre ordered already, 8 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 1: you can claim that on the website. If you haven't 9 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: pre ordered, this will run out on the thirty first 10 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 1: of January. It's a free workshop to encourage you to 11 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: pre order, to give you a gift straight away as 12 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: soon as you do. It's a really cool workshop. I 13 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: break down the eight cliches about love and whether they're 14 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: true or not. I think you'll really love it. And 15 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: I wanted to shout this out that my tours happening 16 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: and we've already sold out in La there's a second 17 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,479 Speaker 1: show there. We've sold out. In New York, there's a 18 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 1: second show there. We've sold out. The Sydney Opera House. 19 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: There's a second show happening there. We've got tickets. I 20 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,960 Speaker 1: think we've sold out in Toronto, in Amsterdam, but please 21 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: make sure you look out for tickets everywhere at j 22 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 1: httytour dot com. I want to see you and this 23 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: show is a special ninety minute performance. I think it's 24 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: going to blow your mind. It's going to be something 25 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,320 Speaker 1: you've never experienced before. It's not just me reading from 26 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: the book or standing there. It's really an experience and 27 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: a performance and an interactive exchange that me and my 28 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: team are creating. I can't wait for you to see it. 29 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: Let's get to this episode. Expanding your circle, inviting new 30 00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 1: people and who think differently can be a really healthy 31 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,800 Speaker 1: way to not put all the pressure on your partner 32 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 1: or put all the pressure on yourself. And I find 33 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,039 Speaker 1: that a way to be a good friend or a 34 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 1: good partner is make sure that your partner or your 35 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,400 Speaker 1: friend has a great support system around them. And by 36 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: the way, you know what happens when you help other 37 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 1: people build support systems for themselves, you end up building 38 00:01:51,520 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: support systems for yourself. Pay everyone, and welcome back to 39 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 1: our Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 40 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every one of you that come 41 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 1: back every week to listen, learn and grow. I just 42 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 1: want to say, I hope you had a great holiday. 43 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: I hope you had a great New Year's I know 44 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,840 Speaker 1: that the first month of the year can always be 45 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: slightly unnerving. Everyone has goals, everyone already seems far ahead. 46 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 1: You already feel behind. Maybe you're judging yourself or criticizing 47 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 1: yourself for not having it all together. Maybe you're feeling 48 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 1: it a little bit stark and lost, and it can 49 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: be a really unsettling time. You've just come out of 50 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,520 Speaker 1: the holidays, maybe you were with family, maybe there's a 51 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:50,680 Speaker 1: bit of missing them. There's so many emotions at this 52 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 1: time of year, and at on purpose, you know that 53 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 1: I want to make you feel like this is a 54 00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,959 Speaker 1: safe space, this is a home for those feelings and emotion, 55 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 1: and that when I'm recording these episodes, my intention is 56 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,960 Speaker 1: to really tune in and connect with you and help 57 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: you through what you're going through. And my team and 58 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 1: I were discussing different areas of challenge at the moment, 59 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: and one of them was today's topic. It was how 60 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 1: to be a great friend in twenty twenty three and 61 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:27,679 Speaker 1: how to have a great relationship in twenty twenty three. Now, 62 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 1: this advice I'm about to share, it applies to friends, 63 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 1: it applies to romantic relationships. It applies to family because 64 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: the ways to create intimacy and connection have a lot 65 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,240 Speaker 1: of similarities. And what I found really really interesting is 66 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: that the pressure on being a good friend and the 67 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 1: pressure on having good friends has increased over time. If 68 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 1: you think about how society has changed. We used to 69 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: spend a lot of time living close to family, living 70 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 1: in big families, living with most of our family. Right 71 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: most people were raised by their aunts and uncles as 72 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: much as their parents. And today we find us living 73 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: in smaller places with smaller families which are just our 74 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: immediate family. Sometimes we're living far far away. I mean, 75 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,119 Speaker 1: you know, Rady and I live a ten hour flight 76 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 1: away from our family. And what I find happens in 77 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: that circumstance is that we rely a lot more on 78 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 1: our friends. And I'm sure a lot of you can 79 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: relate to that. Maybe you moved city for work, maybe 80 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 1: you move state for your partner, Maybe you moved country 81 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 1: for an amazing new opportunity, and you're starting to realize 82 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,400 Speaker 1: that it's different when you don't have a ready made 83 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,480 Speaker 1: support system. Right, when I moved to LA and first 84 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: when we moved to New York, it's like I didn't 85 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 1: know who the best plumber was. I didn't know who 86 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,560 Speaker 1: is going to be around to be the electrician if 87 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,479 Speaker 1: something broke right. You just don't have access to the 88 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 1: same things that you naturally had access to. When your 89 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,920 Speaker 1: family was around, you knew people to call upon, and 90 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,240 Speaker 1: now you're starting from scratch. And when that's happening on 91 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:14,599 Speaker 1: an emotional support level, when that's happening on a personal 92 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 1: connection level, that can be hard. And I hear this 93 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: from a lot of people that finding family or making 94 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: friends as we get older is harder. So the research 95 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 1: shows that for both men and women, at age twenty 96 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 1: five is when most of us start losing our friends. 97 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: And usually it's because your values change. Maybe you change 98 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: country or state or city, maybe a situation changes, maybe 99 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: you had a kid, maybe someone moved for a relationship. Right, 100 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,919 Speaker 1: a lot more changes and bigger changes start to happen 101 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: in our lives at twenty five. And also, if you 102 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 1: think about it, back in the day, you were a 103 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,159 Speaker 1: lot closer to your neighbor. You were closer to the 104 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 1: people that you live next to, and that's changed over 105 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: time as we've become more and more insular. This episode 106 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: is all about making sure you have healthy friendships and 107 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: family relationships and partnerships for twenty twenty three. Because I 108 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 1: find that we keep doing the same thing. How many 109 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 1: of you have a chat group, or maybe you're at 110 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,400 Speaker 1: dinner this week and be like, we have to have 111 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,279 Speaker 1: dinner every week together, or like we have to travel 112 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,039 Speaker 1: together this year. Like we said all these like really big, 113 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,840 Speaker 1: amazing intentions, and it feels really exciting. And by the way, 114 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,279 Speaker 1: I'm a culprit of this too, right, Like, I do 115 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: this too where I get really excited and I'm like, guys, 116 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: we have to do this this year. We have to 117 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,280 Speaker 1: do this. And then I'm busy and doing so many 118 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: other things, and I start to realize that in the 119 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,560 Speaker 1: desire to do these really huge, big things, which are beautiful, 120 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: by the way, if you can, we lose out on 121 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,960 Speaker 1: the small moments of connection and intimacy, which is what 122 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: we're actually looking for. Right. I was at at dinner 123 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: the other day and I was surrounded by so many people, 124 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 1: and I didn't feel like I really had a connection. 125 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: How many times if you felt that, well, you're just 126 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,920 Speaker 1: surrounded by so many people, but you didn't have a connection. 127 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,359 Speaker 1: And then the other day I was invited to a 128 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 1: launch event that was even bigger, And at that event, 129 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 1: even though there were so many more people, I felt 130 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: such a connection because there were people in the room 131 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 1: that were present and really wanted me there, and there 132 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 1: was just a feeling of mutual exchange. So it's just 133 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: really interesting to see the difference. Anyway, I'm going to 134 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: dive right in, and he is one of the first 135 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 1: ways to be a great friend or to have a 136 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: great relationship in twenty twenty three. And it's called always 137 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: carry a snack. And now you might be wondering what 138 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: does that mean? Jay, So if anyone ever travels with 139 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: Raddy my wife, or has the pleasure to travel with Radi, 140 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: Raddy always carries snacks. She's a great person to be 141 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 1: around because I'll be that person who before we get 142 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 1: on the plane or train or wherever we are in 143 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: the car, I'll be like, no, I don't snack. I'm 144 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: not a snacker. Right, I'm one of those people a snacker. Now, 145 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: I just eat my meals. And Radi is a self 146 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 1: confessed snacker. Right. Radi has as snack cupboard at home 147 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 1: and a snack drawer at home, and she's really proud 148 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: of it. Right, It's beautifully arranged. You'll get a tour 149 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 1: of it if you're ever at home, and it's a 150 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 1: big part of something that she loves, and so she'll 151 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 1: be prepared and I won't, and inevitably, to my greatest 152 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,880 Speaker 1: pain point, at some point in the journey, I'll be like, 153 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 1: I'll be sneaking. I won't even ask. I'm one of 154 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,800 Speaker 1: those people I won't even ask. I will just sneak 155 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 1: my ad there and grab a bit of this snack, 156 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:44,120 Speaker 1: and she she'll obviously notice and give me a sidewards glance, 157 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,520 Speaker 1: like one of those you know, cutting side eyes. Why 158 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,199 Speaker 1: am I talking about this being a good friend or 159 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,960 Speaker 1: a great friend? And what do I mean by always 160 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: carry a snack when you're seeing your friends, When you're 161 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 1: around people you love, always carry the thing that you 162 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 1: know they might need. Right, It's like that's a sign 163 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,600 Speaker 1: of love. It's a really small thing. But you may 164 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 1: have one of those friends that's always struggling with a 165 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: headache and you're carrying your essential oil. Or you have 166 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: a friend who always ends up wanting tea at a 167 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: time when it's hard to get tea and you have 168 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,559 Speaker 1: a tea bag in your bag, right, and it sounds 169 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: like a really small thing, But it's these moments that 170 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 1: transform our connection. Why because you feel thought about most 171 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: of us. If you think about why we feel lonely. 172 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 1: We don't feel lonely because we don't have people in 173 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,960 Speaker 1: our life. We don't feel lonely because people don't show 174 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:39,080 Speaker 1: up to our birthday. We feel lonely because we think 175 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 1: no one thinks of us. We think we're not thought of, 176 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,959 Speaker 1: and it's hard to be thought of all the time 177 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 1: with just a text message thing, how are you doing, 178 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: how are you doing? How are you today? Right? Like, 179 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 1: people aren't going to do that all the time. But 180 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: if you want to make your friends, your partner, your 181 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: family feel thought about, if you're seeing them that day, 182 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,360 Speaker 1: if you are moving around with them, that we grab 183 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,440 Speaker 1: something that you know that they're always missing and just 184 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: place it there. It could be as simplest one of 185 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,680 Speaker 1: these things, and it makes a huge difference. That person 186 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: that you care about and you love is now going 187 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: to feel like you think about them in such a deep, personal, 188 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: intimate way, and it creates a connection like no other. Now, 189 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,960 Speaker 1: the second principle that I want to share with you 190 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 1: today and I want to hear what yours are, make 191 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,840 Speaker 1: sure you tag me on Instagram and Twitter and let 192 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,439 Speaker 1: me know what was yours, because I love knowing what 193 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,720 Speaker 1: the different people in your life want. Okay, the second 194 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:37,880 Speaker 1: one is called invite more people to the table, right, 195 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,199 Speaker 1: invite more people to the table? What I mean by 196 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: this and I've been wrong with this for a long 197 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:49,439 Speaker 1: time sometimes in my relationships where you kind of get 198 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 1: ownership over a relationship, and what I mean by that 199 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,080 Speaker 1: is you obsess over the one to one connection you 200 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: have with someone and you're scared of inviting other people 201 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: into the friends because you don't want to lose your friendship. Now, 202 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: the first thing I'll say is, if you're scared of 203 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 1: losing your friendship with someone, it's time that you invest 204 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 1: more in that friendship. Right If you think that inviting 205 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 1: someone else into a group of friends is going to 206 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,520 Speaker 1: make you lose your connection with someone you think you 207 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 1: have a close connection with, it's not as close as 208 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,800 Speaker 1: you think, so you want to start working on that 209 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 1: if that's on your mind right now. Now. If you 210 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: are confident that you have a good relationship with someone, 211 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,959 Speaker 1: but you realize that actually they're going to need different 212 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 1: help at different times, you're not going to be able 213 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 1: to solve all their problems, and therefore, expanding your circle, 214 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: inviting new people and who think differently can be a 215 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 1: really healthy way to not put all the pressure on 216 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,959 Speaker 1: your partner or put all the pressure on yourself. And 217 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: I find that a way to be a good friend 218 00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: or a good partner is make sure that your partner 219 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,600 Speaker 1: or your friend has a great support system around them. 220 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,320 Speaker 1: And by the way, you know what happens when you 221 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,719 Speaker 1: help other people build support systems for themselves, you end 222 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,680 Speaker 1: up building support systems for yourself. I've seen this in 223 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 1: my own life when I have clients who need specific therapists, 224 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 1: or they need specific health coaches, or they need specific 225 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: people in their life, and I'm doing the research, I'm 226 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 1: trying to figure it out for them, and then I 227 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 1: realize that those people become a part of my life. 228 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: They become a part of my network. It's not wasted. 229 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: If your friend was looking for some particular help at 230 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: home and you helped out, you now have access to 231 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 1: that network too, So it's not all selfless and it's 232 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,239 Speaker 1: not all lost. It's like you're actually building a beautiful 233 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: community around you. When you're building community for others right, 234 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: Remember that when you're building community for others, you're also 235 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 1: building an incredible community around yourself, and you don't want 236 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: to underestimate that because often we'll go out our way 237 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 1: to research for other people more than we do for ourselves, 238 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,960 Speaker 1: and so when we take that role, we actually end 239 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 1: up finding incredible people. So invite more people to the table. 240 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,200 Speaker 1: Recognize that you can't take care of every need of 241 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: your friend, and often we put that pressure on ourselves. 242 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: We're like, I'm going to be everything for them, I'm 243 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: going to be there for them all the time. I'm 244 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 1: going to do everything for them, and that exhausts us, 245 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 1: it ties us out, and we often end up feeling 246 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: like they don't do enough for us. We end up 247 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 1: feeling like they don't care enough. And it's really just 248 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: because we've been overgiving. How many of you are overgivers? 249 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,319 Speaker 1: And then overexpectors raise your hands, I'm raising mind right now, right, 250 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:31,000 Speaker 1: we're overgivers, but we're overexpectors, and I think that comes 251 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:35,199 Speaker 1: because we don't realize, actually, you know what real support means, 252 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:40,040 Speaker 1: helping someone build their support system. Okay, point number three, 253 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: this is a huge one, and it's one that I 254 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: really want you to take note of. So I read 255 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 1: about this study led by researchers from MIT, and they 256 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:58,560 Speaker 1: analyzed friendship ties in people age between twenty three to 257 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:03,320 Speaker 1: thirty eight as part of a management class. Now, the 258 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 1: subjects were asked to rank how close they were with 259 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: each person in the class on a scale of zero 260 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,560 Speaker 1: to five. Now, zero men, I have no idea who 261 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 1: this person is. Three means friend, and five means a 262 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 1: really close friend. The research has found that ninety four 263 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 1: percent of people expected their feelings like their rankings to 264 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:29,920 Speaker 1: be reciprocated, but only fifty three percent of them actually were. 265 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: That's huge, right, So ninety four percent of people felt, yeah, 266 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 1: people are going to say the same thing as me 267 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 1: that I said about them, but only half were right now, 268 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: this is something called the perception gap. So what I 269 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:49,040 Speaker 1: find fascinating it about this is that it seems like 270 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,280 Speaker 1: we sometimes feel closer to people than we actually are. 271 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: And that could be for a number of reasons. Maybe 272 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: they're upset about something we said or did. Maybe they 273 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 1: have a different definition of friendship or closeness. Maybe they're 274 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,760 Speaker 1: feeling distant lately because we haven't seen them. But the 275 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,800 Speaker 1: biggest thing I find and that's why this is point 276 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:14,920 Speaker 1: number three is don't forget to keep investing when you're 277 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 1: making deposits in your friendship. I think it's very easy 278 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 1: to reach out and have requests, but it's very rare 279 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: that people actually invest, right. It's very very rare that 280 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,680 Speaker 1: we reach out to someone to give without wanting to receive, 281 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,160 Speaker 1: or just to support when they need it, without calculating 282 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: what it means for us. Or some people are so 283 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: oblivious that they will just reach out and keep having 284 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 1: requests without any investment, right. And that happens so often 285 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: where we're so oblivious, we're so unaware that we just 286 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,320 Speaker 1: keep reaching out to people making deposits. And so I 287 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself about your five closest friends 288 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 1: right now, and I would recommend that you pluck in 289 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,680 Speaker 1: a couple of people from work as well and your 290 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,080 Speaker 1: family and your partner, and go, wait, when was the 291 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,720 Speaker 1: last time I made an investment? What was the last 292 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: investment I made in that friendship? You may find that 293 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: the last investment you made in that friendship was literally, 294 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,800 Speaker 1: like gosh, like five ten years ago, especially if it's 295 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 1: a long term friend and you're thinking to yourself, wow, 296 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,480 Speaker 1: I've been making deposits for a long term. I asked 297 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 1: them to help me move. I ask them to help 298 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: me do that. Or maybe you're feeling that way about 299 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: your friends have been doing that to you, and we 300 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: all know we don't like feeling that way. And if 301 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 1: you don't like feeling that way, it's so important a 302 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 1: that you said an example in your own life. But 303 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 1: reflecting on this helps you realize, Okay, I don't want 304 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 1: to keep investing in that relationship if someone keeps making 305 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 1: deposits from me either, and you may speak to them 306 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,360 Speaker 1: about it. And I think that's what this study really 307 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,960 Speaker 1: shows is that often people are just not sharing how 308 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: they're feeling and we just keep going on. And what 309 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: I find uncomfortable about that is that it's almost like 310 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 1: mole developing in a house. I hate to compare it 311 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: to that, but it is kind of like that, where 312 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:08,480 Speaker 1: something that is deteriorating and disintegrating is happening. It's happening 313 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:11,159 Speaker 1: in a way that you can't see it, but it 314 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: has a long term impact on your emotional stability and 315 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,639 Speaker 1: their emotional stability or actually instability. I should say that 316 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: it creates and it always ends up coming out, and 317 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,679 Speaker 1: when you discover it, it's so much worse than if 318 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 1: you talked about it. And I just feel like putting 319 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,960 Speaker 1: things under the carpet or sweeping things under the rug 320 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: and hoping that they'll just go away, or we like 321 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: to complain about them. It gives us a bit of 322 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: familiar pain to connect to that being removed changes everything. 323 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:45,439 Speaker 1: Step number four. My thing here is it doesn't matter 324 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: if you can't paint. Actually it's better if you can't paint. 325 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,320 Speaker 1: What do I mean by this? We need to do 326 00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:53,920 Speaker 1: more things with our partners, our friends, and our family 327 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,560 Speaker 1: when no one knows what they're doing. Try a new 328 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: food that you've never tried before. Try a pain class, 329 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,719 Speaker 1: go and try a pottery class. Like literally, there are 330 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 1: so many things to do. I'm about to read a 331 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: list that I sent to a client the other day, 332 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,040 Speaker 1: and I said, an animal sanctuary, assault course in the trees, 333 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:19,200 Speaker 1: a local getaway. There may be a bike path you've 334 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 1: never taken, a dance class, as a class, a food 335 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 1: making class, right, whatever it may be. Like, go and 336 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,920 Speaker 1: do something with your friends. I think often we get 337 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:35,919 Speaker 1: together in ways that don't create intimacy. Right. Often we'll 338 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 1: go to a restaurant or we'll go to a movie. 339 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:42,120 Speaker 1: And it doesn't build a sense of intimacy, it doesn't 340 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 1: build a sense of learning, It doesn't build a sense 341 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 1: of like, I'm doing something new with you and I'm 342 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:52,359 Speaker 1: learning something new about you, and we're just being fascinated 343 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 1: by each other right now, right, Oh, we're doing the 344 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: thing we always do and we're both on our phones. 345 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,399 Speaker 1: And the nights ended, and at least we planned to 346 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,520 Speaker 1: date night, or at least we planned a friends night. 347 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:07,240 Speaker 1: And so finding active things to do together actively builds 348 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,240 Speaker 1: your relationship. When you do things that are passive together, 349 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 1: guess what, Your relationship becomes more passive. When you do 350 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 1: active things together, your relationship becomes more alive and active. 351 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,399 Speaker 1: And I find that most of our times with our 352 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 1: closest friends, closest partners, closest families are truly just passive. 353 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 1: Right when you see people who are constant on their 354 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: phones at dinner, or you see people on their phones 355 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 1: even at the movies or at a game, or you know, 356 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,760 Speaker 1: you see people in the car and they're not talking 357 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,440 Speaker 1: to each other, and we're like, yeah, okay, sure, we 358 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,640 Speaker 1: can't talk all the time about everything, Like we don't 359 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: have to have something to talk about. But when you 360 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 1: find that that's a recurring pattern, it can be really 361 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,640 Speaker 1: really challenging. I've got two more for you. This one 362 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 1: is called go visit your school together. And what I 363 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 1: mean by this is go and take a trip down 364 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:00,359 Speaker 1: memory lane. Take a friend that you really value, your partner, 365 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 1: and go on a trip down memory lane. I don't 366 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,680 Speaker 1: often encourage this. I often talk about making new memories, 367 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,359 Speaker 1: but sometimes to re strengthen, we have to go and 368 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,120 Speaker 1: relive an old memory. That was really special. I caught 369 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:16,680 Speaker 1: up with a couple of my former team the other 370 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 1: day and it was one of the nicest things. It 371 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,159 Speaker 1: was so nice to go back, sit down and reflect 372 00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:25,760 Speaker 1: and hear what they remember from working together, what I 373 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,919 Speaker 1: remember from working together. And it was just such a 374 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 1: beautiful thing to do. We haven't worked together in like 375 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,560 Speaker 1: three years, and to sit together over some lunch and 376 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 1: just talk about the fun we had, the different things 377 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: we did like it was just amazing and I was 378 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,320 Speaker 1: thinking to myself, I want to do that more often. 379 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: I was just back in Christmas for the holidays with 380 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 1: my friends, and I was going to all the places 381 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,320 Speaker 1: we used to go to, and there was a nostalgia there, 382 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 1: which again I'm not usually a promoter of nostalgia because 383 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 1: it can kind of keep as stuck in the past. 384 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,560 Speaker 1: But I think it's a beautiful way to strengthen relationships 385 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: this year that are important to you. And so if 386 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 1: you've had a relationship that you haven't strengthened for a 387 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 1: long time that you need to pull from a place 388 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:15,359 Speaker 1: of closeness, do that, right, Do that. That's the way 389 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: to do it. Take a trip down memory lane, but 390 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,320 Speaker 1: actually go there. Don't just sit there and talk about it. 391 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,679 Speaker 1: Go to that physical place, Go to your school, go 392 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 1: to that night coup that you have crazy memories around. 393 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,760 Speaker 1: I'm not saying go inside, go outside, whatever works like, 394 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: go there and do that. Now. Point number six is 395 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,200 Speaker 1: don't make it about you when they're stressed. Now, I 396 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,359 Speaker 1: have this study to share with you that really made 397 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 1: me highlight this point. So, according to the Stress Management Society, 398 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: when we are experiencing extreme stress, our ability to communicate 399 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:58,480 Speaker 1: diminishes massively. We experience lack of clarity, confusion, brain fog, 400 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,159 Speaker 1: and rabbit in the headlights, all of which make it 401 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:06,959 Speaker 1: very difficult to communicate effectively during times of stress. On average, 402 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 1: they write when we're under low levels of stress, we 403 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,960 Speaker 1: can process about seven different messages at a time. When 404 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: our stress level increases, that can drop to just three 405 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 1: messages at a time, meaning we're more likely to misinformation 406 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: that someone's trying to share with us. Now, think about it. 407 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,880 Speaker 1: How often when your partner's stressed and they walk through 408 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: the door do you share important information with them and 409 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,360 Speaker 1: expect them to be alert? How often in our friends groups, 410 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,600 Speaker 1: when they're going through pain, do we make it about 411 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 1: us in our pain? Recognize that when your friends are 412 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,960 Speaker 1: going through stress, they're actually more likely to be less clear, 413 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 1: harder to deal with, more difficult, more challenging. Now, of course, 414 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,639 Speaker 1: if you're friends that are always going through stress, you 415 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,320 Speaker 1: may be like Jay, well, I'm always dealing with my 416 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 1: friends going through stress and they're never able to be present. 417 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,600 Speaker 1: I think that's a really important conversation to have with someone. Say, Hey, look, 418 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: I'm really happy to be there for you when you're 419 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: struggling and when you're experiencing stress, but I just don't 420 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:09,400 Speaker 1: feel comfortable that I don't ever feel heard. And it's 421 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,840 Speaker 1: really interesting when you say something like that. Before you 422 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 1: say it, you're going to have to reflect on whether 423 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: that's really true. I've found that I feel that way 424 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,600 Speaker 1: about people sometimes, But when I sit and think about it, 425 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,959 Speaker 1: I'm like, wait a minute, I wasn't there for them 426 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 1: them for that. I didn't do that. Okay, you know 427 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 1: it's pretty equal and so before. That's why starting a 428 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 1: difficult conversation is so important, because so often you will 429 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,800 Speaker 1: answer the question before you start the difficult conversation. But 430 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,879 Speaker 1: if you don't choose to have the difficult conversation and 431 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:42,720 Speaker 1: you're always complaining about someone, it's really hard to figure 432 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,280 Speaker 1: out that actually you may not be as right as 433 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 1: you think you are. So I hope that these principles 434 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,240 Speaker 1: help you be a great friend and build great relationships 435 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,160 Speaker 1: in twenty twenty three. Remember, relationships are at the core 436 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,639 Speaker 1: of everything we do. One of the biggest investments I 437 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,879 Speaker 1: made when I moved to La I mean, and rather 438 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,480 Speaker 1: talk about this all the time, is I made a 439 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 1: very conscious effort to say that I'm not only here 440 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:07,399 Speaker 1: to build my work and my purpose. I'm going to 441 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:12,280 Speaker 1: simultaneously build relationships. And people often say that LA can 442 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 1: be a lonely place, but I'm really proud of my 443 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: friends here, my community here, the people that I'm surrounded 444 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:21,879 Speaker 1: by and it all comes because it was a separate initiative. 445 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:26,840 Speaker 1: It was a separate pursuit, and I see it that way. 446 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,680 Speaker 1: I see building relationships as its own pursuit in life. 447 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: And I wish you all the best in twenty twenty 448 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: three with your relationships. I'm here for you to help 449 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 1: support you, and I am so grateful for the incredible 450 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:43,040 Speaker 1: on purpose community that we have right now. Thank you 451 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,920 Speaker 1: so much for listening, and thank you for all your reviews, 452 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:56,640 Speaker 1: and I'll see you on the next episode.