Speaker 1: Hey, Elevation, I am so glad that you are worshiping
Speaker 1: with us today. The Psalmist said, I was glad when
Speaker 1: they said, unto me, let us go to the House
Speaker 1: of the Lord. I know that you're happy to be
Speaker 1: here today, no matter how you're watching, whether you're joining
Speaker 1: us online or you're here at one of our campuses,
Speaker 1: today is a very special day. Every time we come together,
Speaker 1: it's special because there's nothing like gathering together with God's people.
Speaker 1: The Lord is here with us. But today is extra
Speaker 1: special because today is our pastor's birthday. And I have
Speaker 1: to say, the older this man gets, the better he gets,
Speaker 1: the wiser he gets. Each year his preaching gets better.
Speaker 1: I don't even know how that's possible. And I must
Speaker 1: say I think he's getting more ripped with each year too.
Speaker 1: Can I say that I just did okay? But in
Speaker 1: a chat, if you're watching with us online, happy birthday,
Speaker 1: Pastor Stephen, and if you're sitting one of our campuses,
Speaker 1: look at your neighbor and say, how about this new series.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling extra blessed because the first few weeks of
Speaker 1: the year we got to learn how to do the
Speaker 1: new you, and then last week Stephen told us that
Speaker 1: in the coming weeks he's going to be using the
Speaker 1: Book of Joshua to show us there's more to the story. Guys,
Speaker 1: he was on fire last week forward not finished. If
Speaker 1: you missed it, you gotta catch up. I told you
Speaker 1: he gets better with age. So today we're not going
Speaker 1: to make the birthday boy preach, but we do have
Speaker 1: a special treat for you. My dear friend Lisa Turkis
Speaker 1: is going to be bringing the message today. Lisa is
Speaker 1: no stranger to Elevation. She actually lives here in Charlotte
Speaker 1: and she joins us at Elevation when she's not out
Speaker 1: preaching at other churches and doing events. She's the president
Speaker 1: of Proverbs thirty one Ministries and the author of more
Speaker 1: than twenty five books. She just released her newest book
Speaker 1: called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, and I cannot wait to
Speaker 1: hear what the Lord has laid on her heart to
Speaker 1: teach us today. So will you put your hands together
Speaker 1: and help me welcome Lisa to the seat. Hi, well, Hi,
Speaker 1: good morning, good morning. What a joy it is to
Speaker 1: be here with you. You guys can be seated. Thank you,
Speaker 1: It's such an honor to be here. At my home
Speaker 1: church speaking, and I'll be honest, I am kind of
Speaker 1: relieved Pastor Stephen's not seated on the front row. You know,
Speaker 1: I speak everywhere, but when I speak and he's seated
Speaker 1: right in front of me, that's a little bit of
Speaker 1: a daunting situation. So although he did text me and
Speaker 1: say he's watching online, so then it kind of killed
Speaker 1: my relaxation with all of that. So, Pastor Stephen, wherever
Speaker 1: you're watching from, I just say happy birthday to you,
Speaker 1: and thank you, thank you for what you give us
Speaker 1: each week, and thank you for just being an incredible leader.
Speaker 1: Can we all thank Pastor Stephen one more time? So
Speaker 1: today I'm going to be talking about boundaries, and we
Speaker 1: can't talk about boundaries unless we talk about dysfunction, right,
Speaker 1: And how many of us dance with dysfunction in our relationships.
Speaker 1: Now here's the thing about dysfunction. We all have it.
Speaker 1: And here's I could literally just hand the microphone down
Speaker 1: here and you could tell me about your dysfunction and
Speaker 1: in your family. You could tell me about the dysfunctions
Speaker 1: in your family, and you know you certainly could too.
Speaker 1: We could just keep passing around the microphone and if
Speaker 1: we got to someone and they said, no, absolutely, there
Speaker 1: is no dysfunction. They might be the dysfunction. So we
Speaker 1: are not going to do that. But where there's dysfunction,
Speaker 1: there's often chaos. And where there is chaos, that's an
Speaker 1: indication that there is a need for a boundary in
Speaker 1: our relationships. Now, I know a lot of us hear
Speaker 1: the word boundary and or attempted to just sort of
Speaker 1: cross our arms and push back a little bit. And
Speaker 1: I get it because I would have thought the same
Speaker 1: thing before I studied boundaries like I have for the
Speaker 1: past many years. And here's why, Because I think many
Speaker 1: of us have had boundaries used in unhelpful and unhealthy ways.
Speaker 1: Maybe you've had somebody try to put a boundary on
Speaker 1: you to try to control you, or to try to
Speaker 1: manipulate you, or to try to punish you. And so
Speaker 1: sometimes we hear the word boundary, we take this step
Speaker 1: back and we just think, no, somebody did that to
Speaker 1: me once and it was utterly detrimental to my relationship.
Speaker 1: Or maybe some of us we've tried to implement boundaries
Speaker 1: in our relationships, and we try to put a boundary
Speaker 1: on another person. Don't do it to try to control them,
Speaker 1: but maybe we have tried to do it to change them,
Speaker 1: and we got so frustrated because we realized that ultimately
Speaker 1: we can't change another person. You see, I think I've
Speaker 1: been in both of these camps, and I was absolutely
Speaker 1: convinced that I wasn't a girl that boundaries would really
Speaker 1: work for. But the biggest reason that I had an
Speaker 1: issue with boundaries is I didn't have the biblical confidence
Speaker 1: that God was okay with humans drawing boundaries. And I
Speaker 1: also didn't have the emotional fortitude. Even if I thought
Speaker 1: I needed a boundary, I didn't have the emotional fortitude
Speaker 1: to actually communicate the boundary, implement the boundary, and then
Speaker 1: stay consistent with the boundary. And so I continue a
Speaker 1: very dysfunctional dance in some of my most important relationships.
Speaker 1: So today I do have a message that I want
Speaker 1: to preach and teach, but mostly I just want to
Speaker 1: have a conversation, a conversation heart to heart with you,
Speaker 1: because I know what it feels like to walk in
Speaker 1: to this very place, this very church building, right here,
Speaker 1: so broken hearted because my most significant relationship was unraveling,
Speaker 1: and I desperately wanted to save my family. But I
Speaker 1: couldn't be the only one to make changes, and so
Speaker 1: I knew that boundaries were needed. But because I didn't
Speaker 1: have the biblical confidence that boundaries were okay, nor did
Speaker 1: I have the emotional fortitude, I just stayed in this
Speaker 1: very dysfunctional dance and it almost killed me. So if
Speaker 1: some of you have walked in here today and you're
Speaker 1: kind of desperate in your heart because maybe it's one
Speaker 1: of your most important relationships, or maybe it's just a
Speaker 1: couple of relationships in your life, and you've hit that
Speaker 1: spot where you say, I just can't take it anymore,
Speaker 1: I want to assure you I've been right where you've been.
Speaker 1: I've sat where you've sat, I've cried where you might cry,
Speaker 1: And today I think I'm going to give you a
Speaker 1: lot of hope now because we're talking about boundaries and dysfunction,
Speaker 1: and maybe you're seated with some people and that you
Speaker 1: do life with, and maybe that you have a like
Speaker 1: some tension with. Sometimes we're gonna lay down a couple
Speaker 1: of ground rules because I don't want you poking your
Speaker 1: neighbor and saying did you hear her? You really need
Speaker 1: to hear that. I mean, that was like straight from God,
Speaker 1: to her to you. You know what I'm saying. And
Speaker 1: so we're just gonna lay down some ground rules here.
Speaker 1: So I want you to pick one of your neighbors
Speaker 1: and repeat after me. This message is for me. I
Speaker 1: will not use it against you. Okay. Now turn to
Speaker 1: your second choice neighbor that they're not at all offended
Speaker 1: you didn't pick them first, truly, and repeat after me
Speaker 1: this message is for me, but you need it more,
Speaker 1: Oh dear, Just in case, we haven't had any dysfunction
Speaker 1: stirred up in our life recently, I just helped you out. Okay.
Speaker 1: So here's part of the issue with dysfunction. We get
Speaker 1: used to our own dysfunctions and we start calling things
Speaker 1: that are dysfunctional normal because we've just lived in it
Speaker 1: for so long. Right, My sister came to visit a
Speaker 1: couple of years ago and we had just finished a
Speaker 1: big renovation at our house. Now, if you're an electrician
Speaker 1: or a plumber, this is not going to make sense
Speaker 1: to you, but I promise you I'm absolutely telling the truth.
Speaker 1: Somehow my hot water heater got connected to the back
Speaker 1: floodlights of my house, so, in other words, we would
Speaker 1: have hot water as long as the back flood lights
Speaker 1: were on, but if you turned them off, the hot
Speaker 1: water would go out. And I know that makes no sense,
Speaker 1: but I am telling you the truth. That's what happened.
Speaker 1: So when my sister came to visit, she'd driven quite
Speaker 1: a ways and then she decided to go take a shower.
Speaker 1: So she's in the middle of her shower and suddenly
Speaker 1: I hear her like stumbling upstairs, opening the door, yelling downstairs, Lisa,
Speaker 1: the hot water just went out, to which I replied, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: I'll go turn on the back flood lights. So after
Speaker 1: she finished her shower, she came downstairs and she got
Speaker 1: really close to me, like a sister, would you know,
Speaker 1: just right in my face, and she said, can you
Speaker 1: please repeat to me what you said when I told
Speaker 1: you the hot water was out? And I said, oh,
Speaker 1: I said, it's because someone turned off the back flood light,
Speaker 1: so I just needed to turn those on and then
Speaker 1: you know, you eventually got hot water back. And then
Speaker 1: she got even closer and she said, you know that's
Speaker 1: not normal, right, You need to have that fixed. And
Speaker 1: I said, I know, I've been meaning to make a
Speaker 1: little sign and maybe even laminate it, and put it
Speaker 1: by the light switch for the back floodlights, just instructing people,
Speaker 1: I know I need to make that fix. And then
Speaker 1: she just shook her head and walked away because she
Speaker 1: realized I was dancing with dysfunction. I was calling something
Speaker 1: normal that was not normal, and it was time to
Speaker 1: call in the professionals, but instead I did what's called
Speaker 1: a workaround. Now, let me tell you why I did
Speaker 1: the workaround. I grew up really poor, and when you
Speaker 1: grow up in that way, you don't have money to
Speaker 1: hire the professionals. So when things get broken, you do
Speaker 1: what's called a workaround. Right, So it didn't really occur
Speaker 1: to me that there was another way to fix it
Speaker 1: besides just putting a sign up. But that wasn't really
Speaker 1: fixing it. That's dancing with dysfunction. And I think a
Speaker 1: lot of us are doing that in our relationships. And
Speaker 1: so today I want to give you a picture of
Speaker 1: what healthy boundaries really look like, so that we can
Speaker 1: stop dancing with dysfunction some of our most important relationships. Now,
Speaker 1: remember I said that I didn't have the biblical confidence
Speaker 1: that God was okay with boundaries, So I decided to
Speaker 1: open up the Bible right in Genesis one. And you know,
Speaker 1: if you have your Bible and you want to open
Speaker 1: it up, you can turn to Genesis one. Isn't that
Speaker 1: so fun when the preacher or the teacher says, turn
Speaker 1: to Genesis one because you can actually find it. I
Speaker 1: just love it. You're welcome, okay. So Genesis chapter one,
Speaker 1: starting in verse two, Now the earth was formless and empty.
Speaker 1: Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the
Speaker 1: spirit of God was hovering over the world. And God said,
Speaker 1: let there be light. And there was light. God saw
Speaker 1: that the light was good, and he separated. Everybody say separated,
Speaker 1: and he separated the light from the darkness. That separation
Speaker 1: was a boundary. And then it says in verse five,
Speaker 1: God called the light day, and the darkness he called night.
Speaker 1: And there was evening and there was morning the first
Speaker 1: day verse six, and God said, let there be a
Speaker 1: vault between the waters to separate. Everybody say separate, to
Speaker 1: separate water from water. So God made the vault, and
Speaker 1: he separated the water under the vault from the water
Speaker 1: above it. And it was so God called the vault sky.
Speaker 1: And there was evening and there was morning the second day.
Speaker 1: And then God makes a separation between the dry land
Speaker 1: and the water, and there was a separation. So you see,
Speaker 1: even from creating the foundations of the world, God used
Speaker 1: boundaries in such healthy ways. I'm convinced right here from
Speaker 1: Genesis one that boundaries are not just a good idea,
Speaker 1: they are actually God's idea. But now let's go over
Speaker 1: to Genesis two, because this is where I really found
Speaker 1: some something just completely fascinating. In Genesis chapter two, starting
Speaker 1: in verse fifteen, it says this, the Lord God took
Speaker 1: the man and put the man in the garden of
Speaker 1: Eden to work it and take care of it. And
Speaker 1: the Lord God commanded the man, you are free from
Speaker 1: any tree in the garden, but you must not eat
Speaker 1: from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
Speaker 1: for when you eat from it, you will certainly die. Man.
Speaker 1: I'm convinced at this point that the man did not
Speaker 1: write the one rule down because the very next verse
Speaker 1: it says, in verse eighteen, the Lord God said, it
Speaker 1: is not good for the man to be alone. I
Speaker 1: will make a helper suitable for him. And women have
Speaker 1: been making lists for men ever since. Okay, I'm just
Speaker 1: reading scripture. Okay, So but here's the thing. I'm so
Speaker 1: completely fascinated that, of all the topics God could have
Speaker 1: chosen for this first recorded conversation with Man, that God
Speaker 1: chose the topic of a boundary. Think of how many
Speaker 1: things that the Lord could have surely had to discuss
Speaker 1: with this man in this first recorded conversation, and yet
Speaker 1: he chooses a topic of a boundary. Why Well, if
Speaker 1: I look at the first three words that God says
Speaker 1: in this first recorded conversation, God says, you are free.
Speaker 1: You see, we serve a God of freedom, and in
Speaker 1: order for there to be real freedom, boundaries have to
Speaker 1: exist so that we know. Oh, if we know where
Speaker 1: those boundary lines are, then we can run freely between them,
Speaker 1: and that's where real freedom exists. Can you imagine if
Speaker 1: Adam was in the garden and he was tentative, he
Speaker 1: didn't know what was okay and what was not okay,
Speaker 1: then it would it would always be kind of like this,
Speaker 1: like I wonder if can I eat from this tree?
Speaker 1: Can I go here? Can I do this? Can I
Speaker 1: do that? And you see that mystery was solved when
Speaker 1: God established the boundary, and then Adam was truly free.
Speaker 1: You are free to eat from any tree in the garden.
Speaker 1: But here comes the one restriction. You must not eat
Speaker 1: from this tree, the tree of the knowledge of good
Speaker 1: and evil, for if you eat from it, you will die.
Speaker 1: Now here's what I learned in that first boundary that
Speaker 1: we see God establishing. He did it for the sake
Speaker 1: of freedom, and that one restriction. He wasn't overly restrictive,
Speaker 1: but that one restriction it was for Adam's protection. Do
Speaker 1: you know what the weight of eating from the tree
Speaker 1: of the knowledge of good and evil? Do you know
Speaker 1: the weight that that would put on Adam. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what it is. It's when we turn on the
Speaker 1: TV and we hear about another school shooting, when our
Speaker 1: best friend calls us and says that she has cancer.
Speaker 1: It's the weight of addictions and affairs and so many
Speaker 1: things that we hear about or that we experience. The
Speaker 1: human heart was not originally supposed to experience. That is
Speaker 1: the weight of the knowledge of evil. And that's what
Speaker 1: God said, don't do this, not because he's an overly
Speaker 1: restrictive God, but because he was trying to protect Adam
Speaker 1: from what Adam didn't know. So it's for the sake
Speaker 1: of freedom. There is a restriction, but it's for the
Speaker 1: protection In that relationship. And also there's a consequence. If
Speaker 1: you eat from it, you will die, because a boundary
Speaker 1: without a consequence is nothing but a really bad suggestion, right,
Speaker 1: And so boundaries, indeed, they're not just a good idea.
Speaker 1: I see in scripture here that they're actually God's idea.
Speaker 1: And so I kept reading in scripture, and it isn't
Speaker 1: that interesting that in the garden there was one rule
Speaker 1: given one rule. Can you imagine if we just still
Speaker 1: lived in that time, like one rule, we only had
Speaker 1: one to follow as a rule follower, that would just
Speaker 1: be such a delight to my heart. I mean, it
Speaker 1: would just be amazing. Right. But where there is sin,
Speaker 1: there is dysfunction, and where there is dysfunction, there's chaos.
Speaker 1: And where there is chaos, there is a need for order.
Speaker 1: And there are more boundaries established the more sin that
Speaker 1: there is. And by the time time we get in
Speaker 1: the Bible to the law and the profits, what started
Speaker 1: out as one boundary, now he has over six hundred
Speaker 1: boundaries because sin had increased. Therefore boundaries also increased. Then
Speaker 1: by the time we get to the way that God
Speaker 1: establishes the temple, this was the biggest revelation to me
Speaker 1: of all, you say, when God establishes the temple, he
Speaker 1: allows certain people access to certain places, but not all
Speaker 1: people all access. And it's not because this group of
Speaker 1: people was more valuable than this group of people. It's
Speaker 1: that the more access you had, the more responsibility you
Speaker 1: were required to demonstrate. So the more access, the more responsibility,
Speaker 1: and the greater the consequence all the way to where
Speaker 1: the high priest had the greatest access. The high priest
Speaker 1: once a year could go into the Holy of Holies
Speaker 1: to make atonement for the people. But in order to
Speaker 1: do that, in order to have that kind of access,
Speaker 1: he had to demonstrate the absolute highest responsibility. He had
Speaker 1: to be perfectly cleansed, he had to put on special garments,
Speaker 1: and if he did not, then he would step into
Speaker 1: the Holy of Holies and he would drop dead. Greatest access,
Speaker 1: greatest responsibility required. Those two words became really important to
Speaker 1: me as I started trying to understand the difference between
Speaker 1: healthy and unhealthy boundaries, helpful and utterly unhelpful boundaries, access
Speaker 1: and responsibility. And here's what occurred to me. We all
Speaker 1: have limited capacity in our life. Like we have limited
Speaker 1: financial capacity in our bank account, we have limited time
Speaker 1: capacity we have limited energy capacity, and some people have
Speaker 1: a lot more energy capacity, and some people are lower capacity.
Speaker 1: Some people have a lot more financial capacity, and others
Speaker 1: have lower capacity. But regardless, in all these areas of capacity,
Speaker 1: we're limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because we're human. Now,
Speaker 1: if we get selfish with our capacity, then God can
Speaker 1: certainly check our hearts on this. But what I'm seeing
Speaker 1: more often in my life is that I start to
Speaker 1: have this notion that I'm unlimited in some areas of
Speaker 1: my capacity where I'm very limited, and then it causes
Speaker 1: me when I hyper extend or bankrupt my area of
Speaker 1: capacity because I'm saying yes to do much and I'm
Speaker 1: not properly managing my own areas of capacity. What happens
Speaker 1: to me is I start acting like I think I'm God,
Speaker 1: because God is He is unlimited. God has all the capacity,
Speaker 1: and so when we start to act like we are
Speaker 1: unlimited in our capacity, then we start acting like God.
Speaker 1: We are limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because
Speaker 1: we are very very human. So back to that word access.
Speaker 1: If I am giving level ten access to someone who
Speaker 1: is not demonstrating level ten responsibility, maybe they're only demonstrating
Speaker 1: level three responsibility. Right, the distance between the access that
Speaker 1: I'm granting them and the responsibility that they are demonstrating.
Speaker 1: That distance right there, that is where dysfunction grows. That
Speaker 1: is where there's chaos, right, and that's where a boundary
Speaker 1: is needed. Now here's the mistake I used to make.
Speaker 1: I would go, Okay, I'm giving level ten access. This
Speaker 1: person is only demonstrating level three responsibility. So I know
Speaker 1: what I have to do. I have to put a
Speaker 1: boundary on them to force them, using external pressure, to
Speaker 1: increase their responsibility up to the level of access that
Speaker 1: I've granted them. So we can have a conversation with
Speaker 1: someone and request that they be more responsible. But if
Speaker 1: they are unwilling or incapable of anything more than level
Speaker 1: three responsibility, us putting a boundary on them is only
Speaker 1: going to cause more frustration. You see, we cannot possibly
Speaker 1: permanently change another person by using external pressure. Now think
Speaker 1: about today, if someone had a cardiac event, obviously those
Speaker 1: of us who know how to do CPR, we would
Speaker 1: rush to that person's aid and using external pressure, we
Speaker 1: would apply that pressure to make their heart beat and
Speaker 1: to create a change in their situation. But at some
Speaker 1: point if their heart does not start to quicken and
Speaker 1: beat on its own, you cannot permanently sustain that change
Speaker 1: using external pressure. Right. Never have you seen two friends
Speaker 1: walking around them all one doing chest compressions on the
Speaker 1: other and think, Wow, that's a sustainable, healthy relationship. Right? No, So,
Speaker 1: but I know the desperation. I know the desperate feeling
Speaker 1: of something's got to change, and you know that it's
Speaker 1: the responsibility this person is not bringing. That's what's got
Speaker 1: to change. And so most of us just stay stuck
Speaker 1: in this frustrating place. We know that changes needed to
Speaker 1: be made. We make the changes that we can make.
Speaker 1: But in a relationship, if the other person is un
Speaker 1: willing or incapable, then that's where that weird dysfunction starts
Speaker 1: to happen. So if it's utterly unhelpful to put a
Speaker 1: boundary on this other person trying to force them to change,
Speaker 1: what do we do? We put a boundary on ourselves.
Speaker 1: We put a boundary on ourselves. And if I am
Speaker 1: giving level ten access to areas of my capacity to
Speaker 1: someone who's only bringing level three responsibility, I cannot control
Speaker 1: another person. But God does say evidence of his fruit
Speaker 1: inside of me. One of those fruits is self control,
Speaker 1: and so I must reduce the access I grant to
Speaker 1: that person down to their demonstrated level of responsibility, right,
Speaker 1: so that equilibrium can occur in this relationship. Now here's
Speaker 1: the really great news. You guys are already doing this
Speaker 1: really really well in some areas of your life. Here's
Speaker 1: how I'm going to prove this to you. Okay, raise
Speaker 1: your hand. If you have a bank account, just raise
Speaker 1: your hand. I'm not coming after your bank account today.
Speaker 1: I just want you to know, okay, perfect, how many
Speaker 1: of you have a password or a security code protecting
Speaker 1: your bank account? Raise your hand? Is it because you're selfish, unchristian, unkind,
Speaker 1: not willing to give to others? No, that's not at all.
Speaker 1: You have a passcode. And I didn't say you could
Speaker 1: remember your passcode. I'm just saying you have a passcode, right,
Speaker 1: But you have a passcode? Why? Because you have limited
Speaker 1: resources in your bank account, and if you gave everyone
Speaker 1: in here access to your bank account, then there may
Speaker 1: be some people in here who would be irresponsible and
Speaker 1: they would take so much of the money that you
Speaker 1: have in your bank account that you would become bankrupt. Therefore,
Speaker 1: you put a security pass code there, not because you're selfish,
Speaker 1: but because you are wise and because you want to
Speaker 1: be a good steward of the resources that you have.
Speaker 1: We know this with our financial capacity, but we forget
Speaker 1: it in so many other areas of our life. Okay,
Speaker 1: so how does this really work? How does it really work?
Speaker 1: If you know that you have limited capacity and you're
Speaker 1: reducing the access to some area of your capacity down
Speaker 1: to their demonstrated level of responsibility, how in the world
Speaker 1: do you even communicate that? Well, in a very simple sense,
Speaker 1: let's say that you have a child in third grade.
Speaker 1: Last year, that child was in second grade, and the
Speaker 1: second grade teacher emails you and said, you know, last
Speaker 1: year you did the end of the year party for
Speaker 1: the second grade, and you did such an amazing job.
Speaker 1: We were just wondering. I know you don't have any
Speaker 1: children in second grade this year, but we're just wondering,
Speaker 1: can you come back and can you arrange the end
Speaker 1: of the year party for the second grade. Now here's
Speaker 1: the crisis that would happen in my heart. First of all,
Speaker 1: I would say they loved the way I did the
Speaker 1: end of the year party. I mean, this is such
Speaker 1: an honor. Wow. Right, But then I was starting to
Speaker 1: get this pit in my stomach because my gut would
Speaker 1: say no, absolutely not, You do not have the time
Speaker 1: to do this. But then, why in the world does
Speaker 1: my mouth say yes? And it just does because I
Speaker 1: kind of think their request suddenly has become my responsibility.
Speaker 1: And here's the thing that really would wig me out.
Speaker 1: I was so afraid that if I said no that
Speaker 1: they would be so disappointed in me, and so I
Speaker 1: would rather carry the burden of saying yes rather than
Speaker 1: the burden of saying no. HM. So I'm going to
Speaker 1: give you a simple little script. This is about to
Speaker 1: change your life. With apologies to the second grade teacher
Speaker 1: out there who's wanting a third grade parent to do
Speaker 1: their end of the year party. Here we go. Here's
Speaker 1: a simple way that you can reduce the access and
Speaker 1: communicate a really healthy boundary and still reflect the beauty
Speaker 1: of your own heart. You can simply reply back, thank
Speaker 1: you so much. It's such an honor that you requested
Speaker 1: this of me. While my heart says yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: the reality of my time makes this a no. Thank
Speaker 1: you and sign your name. You don't need to explain it.
Speaker 1: My counselor. You know, I mean, I think we can
Speaker 1: all do this right now. My counselor has really worked
Speaker 1: with me on this, and it was really important that
Speaker 1: I learned this. You see, I used to think I
Speaker 1: had to over explain. I still struggle with over explaining.
Speaker 1: Do we have any over explainers in the room. Okay, remember,
Speaker 1: do not poke your neighbor. Let them just say that
Speaker 1: they are an over explainer. Okay. So here's what I
Speaker 1: would do. I would say my heart says yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: the reality of my time makes this a no. And
Speaker 1: then I would start to explain all the reasons why.
Speaker 1: And my counselor said this to me, and it absolutely
Speaker 1: radically changed my thought process, he said, Lisa, adults inform
Speaker 1: children explain good right? All right, all right, so let's
Speaker 1: go to something a little more challenging. Let's say you
Speaker 1: have a friend, possibly a family member. But let's say
Speaker 1: you have a friend and y'all love going to church together.
Speaker 1: Don't poke your neighbor. Okay, so you love going to
Speaker 1: church together. However, you have different definitions of being on time, right,
Speaker 1: and this is really causing some situationtional stress. Right. Okay,
Speaker 1: So let's say your definition of being on time is
Speaker 1: that you want to get their twenty minutes early. You
Speaker 1: do why because you have got to get a parking space.
Speaker 1: This is so funny. I see somebody holding up blinders
Speaker 1: against their neighbor right now, you're cracking me up. Okay,
Speaker 1: So your definition of being on time is to get
Speaker 1: their twenty minutes early because you want to have time
Speaker 1: to park and actually walk through the parking lot, right,
Speaker 1: novel idea. And then you want to get inside. You
Speaker 1: want to go t tea potty right, because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be sitting in there and be thinking about that,
Speaker 1: so you wanted to go do that. Then then you
Speaker 1: want to be able to come in. You want to
Speaker 1: get a seat, You want to watch the announcements. You
Speaker 1: want to be ready for the first note of the
Speaker 1: first praise song because that is being on time to you. Amen, Amen. Okay.
Speaker 1: But let's say your friend has a different definition of
Speaker 1: being on time. Their definition of being on time is
Speaker 1: that they can skirt in here before the last praise
Speaker 1: song is finished. That is their definition of being on time.
Speaker 1: Right now, here's the deal. Are you bad for wanting
Speaker 1: to be there twenty minutes early? No? Are they bad,
Speaker 1: they still want to go to church. I mean they're
Speaker 1: just getting here, like before the last praise song, espelishly.
Speaker 1: I mean maybe some of you think is bad, but
Speaker 1: I say, in general, that's not bad. It just means
Speaker 1: you have two different definitions of being on time right.
Speaker 1: And so you realize that something's got to change, because
Speaker 1: every week you're writing with them, and they are making
Speaker 1: you late according to you. And now you are sitting
Speaker 1: way up there in the balcony, right, or you may
Speaker 1: not even make it inside. You may have to be
Speaker 1: sitting somewhere in the overflow, right. And now you're so
Speaker 1: twisted up in a knot because you are ready. You
Speaker 1: could have been down here on the floor. That's where
Speaker 1: you could have been, right, and you could have gone teeepotty.
Speaker 1: You who see the announcements, listen to all the praise songs.
Speaker 1: And so now when they make you skirt in at
Speaker 1: the last moment and you're out of breath from running
Speaker 1: through the parking lot and you had to park five
Speaker 1: miles away, you know, And now you finally get in
Speaker 1: your seat, you are so twisted up in a knot
Speaker 1: that you cannot even enjoy anything because all you want
Speaker 1: is for Pastor Steven to address the issues of this
Speaker 1: person that made you lay on huh you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Okay, so you have a choice. You could
Speaker 1: just start avoiding this person. That's what some of us do, right.
Speaker 1: So they call and say, oh, do you want to
Speaker 1: ride your church together? And you could say, oh, you know,
Speaker 1: I would really love to go to church with you today.
Speaker 1: I really would. The problem is I have to run
Speaker 1: errands before I go to church. I mean, and they're
Speaker 1: one person errands, just one and and so this other
Speaker 1: person when you're communicating this, they know something's up and
Speaker 1: they're going to personalize it and get their feelings hurt
Speaker 1: because they can't quite figure out why you're being distant.
Speaker 1: And then you could possibly just try to still go
Speaker 1: with them and be late. And you're going to take
Speaker 1: it and take it and take it and take it
Speaker 1: and take it until one day you just cannot and
Speaker 1: you snap and you jump from trying to take it
Speaker 1: all the way over here to where you cannot take
Speaker 1: it anymore, and you just skirt that friendship altogether. You See,
Speaker 1: what a boundary does is that helps us avoid extremes,
Speaker 1: the extreme of I'm going to take it and take
Speaker 1: it and take it until I'm so frazzled and fractured,
Speaker 1: worn out and worn down that I just don't even
Speaker 1: want to be that person's friend anymore. So you jump
Speaker 1: from that extreme all the way to you're done. Boundaries,
Speaker 1: what they really are, is a way to bring the
Speaker 1: conversation back to the middle, to avoid those extremes. Boundaries
Speaker 1: are nothing more than a conversational tool, a healthy conversational
Speaker 1: tool where you can establish what is and is not
Speaker 1: okay in this relationship, what you do have to give
Speaker 1: and what you don't have to give, what you will tolerate,
Speaker 1: and what you will not tolerate. Now, obviously we need
Speaker 1: the Lord to check our hearts here, you know, we
Speaker 1: don't want to start being just absolutely irresponsible. I mean,
Speaker 1: I had, you know, possibly one of my many children
Speaker 1: try to draw a boundary this year at Christmas, and
Speaker 1: they just said, I do not have it to give
Speaker 1: to help wash any of the dishes, to which to
Speaker 1: which I replied, and I do not have it to
Speaker 1: give to put food on any of your dishes. So
Speaker 1: neither of those are helpful or healthy, right, So we
Speaker 1: do it to check our heart. We don't want to
Speaker 1: draw boundaries to sort of be some sort of weapon
Speaker 1: to make us able to get out of our responsibilities.
Speaker 1: We do have responsibilities. At the same time, we have
Speaker 1: the responsibility to stay self controlled in our relationships. So
Speaker 1: you could simply have this conversation with this friend. Hi, friend,
Speaker 1: I love going to church with you, I really do.
Speaker 1: Is that true? It is true? Right, So don't put
Speaker 1: a butt there, because if you put a butt, I
Speaker 1: love going to church with you butt, that's sort of
Speaker 1: negates the fact that you love going to church with them. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you put an and I love going to church
Speaker 1: with you, and I have a different definition of being
Speaker 1: on time than you do. That doesn't make me right
Speaker 1: and you wrong, or you right and me wrong. It
Speaker 1: just means we're different. So here's the deal. I'm going
Speaker 1: to drive to church this week. I would love for
Speaker 1: you to ride with me, and I'm pulling out of
Speaker 1: my driveway at this time so that I can get
Speaker 1: there twenty minutes early. If you would like to ride
Speaker 1: with me, great, be in my car at that time. However,
Speaker 1: let me give you some really awesome news. If you
Speaker 1: are being more creative with your time, so creative, then
Speaker 1: we can just ride separately, no big deal, and I'll
Speaker 1: save you a seat you can sit right beside me.
Speaker 1: I'll even catch you up on all the prey songs
Speaker 1: that we sang, you know. And we're still going to
Speaker 1: be great friends, and we're still going to be at
Speaker 1: church together. But we've just made the wise decision not
Speaker 1: to go to church together. Now, what's better having that
Speaker 1: conversation or getting so frustrated in that relationship you just
Speaker 1: don't even want to be around that person at all.
Speaker 1: You see, boundaries help us bring it back to the
Speaker 1: middle and simply say here's what I have to give,
Speaker 1: and here's what I don't have to give, here's what
Speaker 1: I can tolerate, and here's what I will not tolerate.
Speaker 1: And it's not out of a mean spirit, it's actually
Speaker 1: so that we can stay self controlled. I did this
Speaker 1: activity one time, and I pulled out my journal and
Speaker 1: I wrote, this is who Lisa is when she's operating
Speaker 1: at her best. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm easygoing, all
Speaker 1: kinds of different qualities. Then on the next page, I wrote,
Speaker 1: and this is who Lisa is. This is who I
Speaker 1: am when I get frazzled, fractured, worn down, and worn out.
Speaker 1: I am impatient, I'm withdrawn, I'm skeptical of everyone. I
Speaker 1: don't want to give anything to anyone. Now I ask
Speaker 1: myself the question, which version of Lisa do I want
Speaker 1: to stay front and center in my relationships? You see boundaries,
Speaker 1: me drawing healthy boundaries, ME putting boundaries on myself so
Speaker 1: that I can stay safe, sane, stable, and self controlled.
Speaker 1: It is my way of fighting for the relationship so
Speaker 1: I don't have to spend so much time fighting against
Speaker 1: other people. Now, what about the verse that says where
Speaker 1: Jesus instructs us to lay down our life for our friends.
Speaker 1: And Jesus not only instructed us to do that, but
Speaker 1: he modeled it. And you're absolutely right. Jesus absolutely modeled
Speaker 1: and taught to lay down our life for our friends.
Speaker 1: And Jesus did this. But never forget Jesus laid down
Speaker 1: his one life for a high and holy purpose. Jesus
Speaker 1: did not lay down his life to enable bad behavior
Speaker 1: to continue. Amen. Amen, Well, I want to end today
Speaker 1: with what I feel like is the most important thing
Speaker 1: for us to remember in all of these boundary conversations,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to do it by telling a story
Speaker 1: so many years ago, my family decided that they wanted
Speaker 1: to go get certified to learn how to go scuba diving.
Speaker 1: I thought this was an absolutely terrible idea for several reasons,
Speaker 1: because sharks eat people every day, and you know, I
Speaker 1: don't like to get my hair wet, So there's two
Speaker 1: really good reasons why I don't want to get certified
Speaker 1: to go scuba diving. But they were so absolutely convinced
Speaker 1: that this is what we needed to do. So we
Speaker 1: all signed up and we went to the classes and
Speaker 1: everything was okay. In the classroom, it was good. And
Speaker 1: then we went and did our first dive in the
Speaker 1: pool and we did pretty good. And then we did
Speaker 1: our next dive in a lake and that was okay.
Speaker 1: But now it was the day. It was time for
Speaker 1: our first big family dive in the ocean. So we
Speaker 1: took the boat out and we all have on our
Speaker 1: gear and we get out into the middle of the
Speaker 1: ocean and the dive master gives us some last minute
Speaker 1: instructions for what to do. Then he instructs us to
Speaker 1: get in the water. So we all get in the
Speaker 1: water and then he says, okay, you know, the first
Speaker 1: thing you need to do is to let the air
Speaker 1: out of your air vest and start to descend in increments,
Speaker 1: and then we'll all meet up thirty feet below the
Speaker 1: surface on the ocean floor. And so we had practiced
Speaker 1: this enough where I knew exactly what I was supposed
Speaker 1: to do, and so did everyone else. So we all
Speaker 1: did it. We pushed the button to let the air
Speaker 1: out of our air vests, and everyone else did exactly
Speaker 1: what they were supposed to do. They started to descend
Speaker 1: in increments. I let the air out of my air
Speaker 1: vest and nothing happened. I am just floating on the top.
Speaker 1: Have you ever seen one of those movies where it's
Speaker 1: like everybody in a group is okay, but it's the
Speaker 1: one person floating at the top that the shark comes
Speaker 1: to get. Uh huh. That's very much what I was
Speaker 1: feeling of that moment. And I just kept saying in
Speaker 1: my brain, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. But sometimes
Speaker 1: my brain does not send that message to my heart,
Speaker 1: and in my heart, I was absolutely frantic. So I thought,
Speaker 1: no big deal. I don't want to cause a scene.
Speaker 1: I'm going to put my head down, I'm going to
Speaker 1: swim to my people. That's not what you're supposed to do,
Speaker 1: but I did it. So put my head down. I
Speaker 1: started swimming, swimming, swimming to my people. The problem was
Speaker 1: that my backside was like a cork, very much drawn
Speaker 1: to the surface of the water. I could not get
Speaker 1: down to my people. Eventually, the dive master sees what's
Speaker 1: happening and he swims up and he looks at me
Speaker 1: and he said, oh, you're you're having buoyancy issues. And
Speaker 1: I got this look on my face like I didn't
Speaker 1: quite understand what he was saying. And he was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you see fat floats when it's in salt water. Excuse me,
Speaker 1: I will cut you. You need right, you need to
Speaker 1: back it up, sir, right, you really need to be
Speaker 1: thankful you spent that I spent some time with Jesus
Speaker 1: the morning. That's what you need to be thankful for.
Speaker 1: And so he could tell that I did not like
Speaker 1: that answer, and he's like, oh, oh, oh, but it's
Speaker 1: no problem. I know how to fix this for you.
Speaker 1: So he gets on the boat and he gets this
Speaker 1: belt and he hands it to me. He says, you
Speaker 1: just need to put this belt on. We're going to
Speaker 1: add some weight and it'll force you to sink. Thank you, sir,
Speaker 1: that's awesome. And so I put the belt on and
Speaker 1: we start adding weights to the belt, and then we
Speaker 1: add more weight, and then we add more weight. Y'all,
Speaker 1: nothing is happening, and so then he feels the need
Speaker 1: to over explain what's going on. He said, Wow, you
Speaker 1: need as much weight as a very large man to
Speaker 1: make you sink. Thank you. I've waited all my life
Speaker 1: for a man to say that, really truly. And so
Speaker 1: finally he gets enough weight on my weight belt to
Speaker 1: where I do sink. The problem is that my bottom
Speaker 1: is still pointed north at all times. And so I
Speaker 1: got down to where my people were, but I was
Speaker 1: like in the formation, and there is nothing I could
Speaker 1: do at all, and so they are all my people
Speaker 1: and they're all standing around. I'm just hanging there. And
Speaker 1: have you ever been able to feel what someone else
Speaker 1: is thinking? You know what I mean? I could feel
Speaker 1: what my people were thinking. They were thinking, Hey, what's up,
Speaker 1: Mom's butt, that's what's up? Just constantly up. And it
Speaker 1: was just it was just not a good situation, right,
Speaker 1: And I was trying so hard to pretend like it
Speaker 1: was normal, but it was one hundred percent not normal.
Speaker 1: And so the dive master just gives us some little
Speaker 1: instructions using his hand, and then he divides us up
Speaker 1: into groups, and now we're supposed to go and swim
Speaker 1: off with the person we were assigned to. So I
Speaker 1: was assigned with my oldest daughter, and so we had
Speaker 1: barely turned from the group and we started to swim
Speaker 1: from the group to go exploring, and suddenly a creature
Speaker 1: out of nowhere whips right through us and rams itself
Speaker 1: into my daughter's head. Well, I am out, absolutely panicked.
Speaker 1: She is panicked, and I'm looking around and all my
Speaker 1: other people are like, it's okay, it's okay. I look
Speaker 1: at the dive master and he said it's okay, and
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, yeah, because all you people are skinny, I'm
Speaker 1: the chicken nugget down here, okay. And so yeah, you're
Speaker 1: okay because that thing's gonna come after me and give
Speaker 1: you all time to escape. So the creature kind of
Speaker 1: went away for a little bit, and my daughter and
Speaker 1: I are still tentative, and we decide, okay, we're just
Speaker 1: gonna keep exploring, and the creature comes back and it
Speaker 1: rams itself into my daughter's head so hard that she
Speaker 1: completely panics and she jumps on top of me, expecting
Speaker 1: me to be the solution to this issue. Well, she
Speaker 1: causes so much of a stir that my other people
Speaker 1: start jumping on top of me. Now everybody's looking at
Speaker 1: me to save their life. But then I remembered my gift.
Speaker 1: I ripped off that weight bell and we did rise.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, hi, Well we got up on that boat, y'all.
Speaker 1: I was like, hmm, mabadon kenok saved ah you people.
Speaker 1: But the dive master came up and he was absolutely
Speaker 1: positively not impressed at all. He just wasn't and he
Speaker 1: looked at us and he said, you all need to
Speaker 1: sit on the edge of the boat. It was like
Speaker 1: we were in boat time out, you know. And he
Speaker 1: took his finger and he pointed it right at me.
Speaker 1: He said, do you know why you panicked down there?
Speaker 1: He said, you panicked because you took your eyes off
Speaker 1: the dive muster, and the dive muster knows things you
Speaker 1: don't know. And you were never in any trouble. The
Speaker 1: worst danger you created is by shooting up back to
Speaker 1: the boat without ascending an increments like you're supposed to.
Speaker 1: Never take your eyes off the master. Never take your
Speaker 1: eyes off the relationships. They're wonderful until they're not. And
Speaker 1: you know, I think the most important thing when you're
Speaker 1: trying to have healthy conversations and implement boundaries. And I
Speaker 1: know so many of you have much more challenging situations
Speaker 1: than the second grade teacher and than your friend making
Speaker 1: you run late. I know it because I've lived those
Speaker 1: really heartbreaking, devastating situations. And you're hesitant to draw boundaries
Speaker 1: because you're so afraid that if you draw a boundary,
Speaker 1: that that other person will take something from you that
Speaker 1: they give you that you're not sure you'd be okay without.
Speaker 1: We will always desperately want from other people what we
Speaker 1: fear our God will not provide. Keep your eyes on
Speaker 1: the Master. Keep your eyes on the Master. The Master
Speaker 1: knows things you don't know. Stay in his word, keep
Speaker 1: coming to church, keep listening to the messages, read helpful
Speaker 1: resources on boundaries, and remember boundaries. The ultimate purpose is
Speaker 1: to love others well without losing the best of who
Speaker 1: we are. God bless you well. If you enjoyed today's podcast,
Speaker 1: there are a couple things I'd love for you to do.
Speaker 1: Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. You
Speaker 1: can also help us reach others by investing today at
Speaker 1: elevationchurch dot org, slash give and thanks again for joining
Speaker 1: us on the Elevation Podcast