WEBVTT - Boundaries: It’s Time To Stop Dancing With Dysfunction (Lysa TerKeurst) 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.720 Hey, Elevation, I am so glad that you are worshiping 0:00:03.760 --> 0:00:06.680 with us today. The Psalmist said, I was glad when 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:09.760 they said, unto me, let us go to the House 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:12.520 of the Lord. I know that you're happy to be 0:00:12.600 --> 0:00:15.080 here today, no matter how you're watching, whether you're joining 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:17.759 us online or you're here at one of our campuses, 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:21.800 today is a very special day. Every time we come together, 0:00:21.880 --> 0:00:26.960 it's special because there's nothing like gathering together with God's people. 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:30.720 The Lord is here with us. But today is extra 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:36.159 special because today is our pastor's birthday. And I have 0:00:36.320 --> 0:00:40.519 to say, the older this man gets, the better he gets, 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:43.640 the wiser he gets. Each year his preaching gets better. 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:46.440 I don't even know how that's possible. And I must 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:49.639 say I think he's getting more ripped with each year too. 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.080 Can I say that I just did okay? But in 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:56.880 a chat, if you're watching with us online, happy birthday, 0:00:57.280 --> 0:01:01.040 Pastor Stephen, and if you're sitting one of our campuses, 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:05.520 look at your neighbor and say, how about this new series. 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:09.360 I'm feeling extra blessed because the first few weeks of 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:11.720 the year we got to learn how to do the 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:15.039 new you, and then last week Stephen told us that 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:17.920 in the coming weeks he's going to be using the 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:22.119 Book of Joshua to show us there's more to the story. Guys, 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:27.759 he was on fire last week forward not finished. If 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:30.160 you missed it, you gotta catch up. I told you 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:33.800 he gets better with age. So today we're not going 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:36.039 to make the birthday boy preach, but we do have 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.440 a special treat for you. My dear friend Lisa Turkis 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.600 is going to be bringing the message today. Lisa is 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:46.320 no stranger to Elevation. She actually lives here in Charlotte 0:01:46.400 --> 0:01:48.920 and she joins us at Elevation when she's not out 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:53.120 preaching at other churches and doing events. She's the president 0:01:53.160 --> 0:01:56.200 of Proverbs thirty one Ministries and the author of more 0:01:56.240 --> 0:02:00.000 than twenty five books. She just released her newest book 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:04.160 called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, and I cannot wait to 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:06.440 hear what the Lord has laid on her heart to 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:08.680 teach us today. So will you put your hands together 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:19.160 and help me welcome Lisa to the seat. Hi, well, Hi, 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:22.960 good morning, good morning. What a joy it is to 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.360 be here with you. You guys can be seated. Thank you, 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:29.400 It's such an honor to be here. At my home 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:34.400 church speaking, and I'll be honest, I am kind of 0:02:34.440 --> 0:02:38.160 relieved Pastor Stephen's not seated on the front row. You know, 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:41.920 I speak everywhere, but when I speak and he's seated 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:43.359 right in front of me, that's a little bit of 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:47.040 a daunting situation. So although he did text me and 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:49.440 say he's watching online, so then it kind of killed 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:54.040 my relaxation with all of that. So, Pastor Stephen, wherever 0:02:54.120 --> 0:02:56.800 you're watching from, I just say happy birthday to you, 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.440 and thank you, thank you for what you give us 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.560 each week, and thank you for just being an incredible leader. 0:03:02.560 --> 0:03:11.280 Can we all thank Pastor Stephen one more time? So 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:15.040 today I'm going to be talking about boundaries, and we 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:19.720 can't talk about boundaries unless we talk about dysfunction, right, 0:03:20.320 --> 0:03:25.080 And how many of us dance with dysfunction in our relationships. 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:29.960 Now here's the thing about dysfunction. We all have it. 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:34.760 And here's I could literally just hand the microphone down 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.240 here and you could tell me about your dysfunction and 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:40.000 in your family. You could tell me about the dysfunctions 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.360 in your family, and you know you certainly could too. 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:44.920 We could just keep passing around the microphone and if 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:48.040 we got to someone and they said, no, absolutely, there 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:52.840 is no dysfunction. They might be the dysfunction. So we 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:56.800 are not going to do that. But where there's dysfunction, 0:03:57.720 --> 0:04:02.040 there's often chaos. And where there is chaos, that's an 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:06.160 indication that there is a need for a boundary in 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:08.720 our relationships. Now, I know a lot of us hear 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:11.160 the word boundary and or attempted to just sort of 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:14.440 cross our arms and push back a little bit. And 0:04:14.520 --> 0:04:17.280 I get it because I would have thought the same 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.560 thing before I studied boundaries like I have for the 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:25.400 past many years. And here's why, Because I think many 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:30.440 of us have had boundaries used in unhelpful and unhealthy ways. 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:34.240 Maybe you've had somebody try to put a boundary on 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:37.120 you to try to control you, or to try to 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:41.080 manipulate you, or to try to punish you. And so 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:43.599 sometimes we hear the word boundary, we take this step 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:45.880 back and we just think, no, somebody did that to 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:50.080 me once and it was utterly detrimental to my relationship. 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:55.680 Or maybe some of us we've tried to implement boundaries 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:59.080 in our relationships, and we try to put a boundary 0:04:59.120 --> 0:05:01.840 on another person. Don't do it to try to control them, 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:04.760 but maybe we have tried to do it to change them, 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:11.200 and we got so frustrated because we realized that ultimately 0:05:11.960 --> 0:05:16.119 we can't change another person. You see, I think I've 0:05:16.200 --> 0:05:20.360 been in both of these camps, and I was absolutely 0:05:20.400 --> 0:05:23.800 convinced that I wasn't a girl that boundaries would really 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:27.840 work for. But the biggest reason that I had an 0:05:27.880 --> 0:05:31.720 issue with boundaries is I didn't have the biblical confidence 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:35.640 that God was okay with humans drawing boundaries. And I 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.679 also didn't have the emotional fortitude. Even if I thought 0:05:38.720 --> 0:05:42.200 I needed a boundary, I didn't have the emotional fortitude 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:45.840 to actually communicate the boundary, implement the boundary, and then 0:05:45.880 --> 0:05:50.680 stay consistent with the boundary. And so I continue a 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:55.120 very dysfunctional dance in some of my most important relationships. 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:58.320 So today I do have a message that I want 0:05:58.320 --> 0:06:01.680 to preach and teach, but mostly I just want to 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:06.240 have a conversation, a conversation heart to heart with you, 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:10.680 because I know what it feels like to walk in 0:06:10.720 --> 0:06:15.200 to this very place, this very church building, right here, 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:22.919 so broken hearted because my most significant relationship was unraveling, 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:30.560 and I desperately wanted to save my family. But I 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:34.400 couldn't be the only one to make changes, and so 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:37.080 I knew that boundaries were needed. But because I didn't 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:41.040 have the biblical confidence that boundaries were okay, nor did 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:44.320 I have the emotional fortitude, I just stayed in this 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:50.159 very dysfunctional dance and it almost killed me. So if 0:06:50.160 --> 0:06:53.960 some of you have walked in here today and you're 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:59.280 kind of desperate in your heart because maybe it's one 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.719 of your most important relationships, or maybe it's just a 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.520 couple of relationships in your life, and you've hit that 0:07:06.720 --> 0:07:11.120 spot where you say, I just can't take it anymore, 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:16.200 I want to assure you I've been right where you've been. 0:07:16.280 --> 0:07:19.040 I've sat where you've sat, I've cried where you might cry, 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:22.800 And today I think I'm going to give you a 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:28.520 lot of hope now because we're talking about boundaries and dysfunction, 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:32.600 and maybe you're seated with some people and that you 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:35.520 do life with, and maybe that you have a like 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:38.640 some tension with. Sometimes we're gonna lay down a couple 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:41.320 of ground rules because I don't want you poking your 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:44.120 neighbor and saying did you hear her? You really need 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:46.840 to hear that. I mean, that was like straight from God, 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:49.720 to her to you. You know what I'm saying. And 0:07:49.800 --> 0:07:52.080 so we're just gonna lay down some ground rules here. 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:53.800 So I want you to pick one of your neighbors 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:58.320 and repeat after me. This message is for me. I 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:02.800 will not use it against you. Okay. Now turn to 0:08:02.840 --> 0:08:05.560 your second choice neighbor that they're not at all offended 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:09.440 you didn't pick them first, truly, and repeat after me 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:13.280 this message is for me, but you need it more, 0:08:17.280 --> 0:08:23.080 Oh dear, Just in case, we haven't had any dysfunction 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:26.000 stirred up in our life recently, I just helped you out. Okay. 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:31.040 So here's part of the issue with dysfunction. We get 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:34.080 used to our own dysfunctions and we start calling things 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:36.920 that are dysfunctional normal because we've just lived in it 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.480 for so long. Right, My sister came to visit a 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:43.360 couple of years ago and we had just finished a 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:46.960 big renovation at our house. Now, if you're an electrician 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:49.560 or a plumber, this is not going to make sense 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:53.040 to you, but I promise you I'm absolutely telling the truth. 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:58.240 Somehow my hot water heater got connected to the back 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:02.120 floodlights of my house, so, in other words, we would 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:04.319 have hot water as long as the back flood lights 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:07.240 were on, but if you turned them off, the hot 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.679 water would go out. And I know that makes no sense, 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:11.840 but I am telling you the truth. That's what happened. 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:14.760 So when my sister came to visit, she'd driven quite 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:17.520 a ways and then she decided to go take a shower. 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:20.520 So she's in the middle of her shower and suddenly 0:09:20.520 --> 0:09:26.160 I hear her like stumbling upstairs, opening the door, yelling downstairs, Lisa, 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:31.120 the hot water just went out, to which I replied, oh, okay, 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:38.920 I'll go turn on the back flood lights. So after 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:42.600 she finished her shower, she came downstairs and she got 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:45.080 really close to me, like a sister, would you know, 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.560 just right in my face, and she said, can you 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:51.000 please repeat to me what you said when I told 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:54.120 you the hot water was out? And I said, oh, 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:57.079 I said, it's because someone turned off the back flood light, 0:09:57.160 --> 0:09:58.880 so I just needed to turn those on and then 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.520 you know, you eventually got hot water back. And then 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:04.640 she got even closer and she said, you know that's 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:09.839 not normal, right, You need to have that fixed. And 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:12.840 I said, I know, I've been meaning to make a 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:15.760 little sign and maybe even laminate it, and put it 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:20.000 by the light switch for the back floodlights, just instructing people, 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:23.000 I know I need to make that fix. And then 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:25.280 she just shook her head and walked away because she 0:10:25.440 --> 0:10:31.200 realized I was dancing with dysfunction. I was calling something 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:33.560 normal that was not normal, and it was time to 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:36.920 call in the professionals, but instead I did what's called 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:39.520 a workaround. Now, let me tell you why I did 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:43.600 the workaround. I grew up really poor, and when you 0:10:43.920 --> 0:10:46.839 grow up in that way, you don't have money to 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.840 hire the professionals. So when things get broken, you do 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:54.400 what's called a workaround. Right, So it didn't really occur 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:57.600 to me that there was another way to fix it 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:01.000 besides just putting a sign up. But that wasn't really 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:05.480 fixing it. That's dancing with dysfunction. And I think a 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:07.960 lot of us are doing that in our relationships. And 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:10.760 so today I want to give you a picture of 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:14.600 what healthy boundaries really look like, so that we can 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:20.360 stop dancing with dysfunction some of our most important relationships. Now, 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:24.840 remember I said that I didn't have the biblical confidence 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:28.920 that God was okay with boundaries, So I decided to 0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:34.200 open up the Bible right in Genesis one. And you know, 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:35.640 if you have your Bible and you want to open 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:37.640 it up, you can turn to Genesis one. Isn't that 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:41.000 so fun when the preacher or the teacher says, turn 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:43.240 to Genesis one because you can actually find it. I 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:49.559 just love it. You're welcome, okay. So Genesis chapter one, 0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:55.319 starting in verse two, Now the earth was formless and empty. 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:58.040 Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:02.080 spirit of God was hovering over the world. And God said, 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:05.440 let there be light. And there was light. God saw 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:09.640 that the light was good, and he separated. Everybody say separated, 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:14.400 and he separated the light from the darkness. That separation 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:18.720 was a boundary. And then it says in verse five, 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.199 God called the light day, and the darkness he called night. 0:12:21.280 --> 0:12:23.240 And there was evening and there was morning the first 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:25.199 day verse six, and God said, let there be a 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:29.680 vault between the waters to separate. Everybody say separate, to 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.920 separate water from water. So God made the vault, and 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:36.439 he separated the water under the vault from the water 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:39.800 above it. And it was so God called the vault sky. 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:43.680 And there was evening and there was morning the second day. 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:47.440 And then God makes a separation between the dry land 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:51.000 and the water, and there was a separation. So you see, 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:57.280 even from creating the foundations of the world, God used 0:12:57.600 --> 0:13:03.640 boundaries in such healthy ways. I'm convinced right here from 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:07.080 Genesis one that boundaries are not just a good idea, 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:12.120 they are actually God's idea. But now let's go over 0:13:12.120 --> 0:13:15.880 to Genesis two, because this is where I really found 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:21.000 some something just completely fascinating. In Genesis chapter two, starting 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:25.240 in verse fifteen, it says this, the Lord God took 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:27.080 the man and put the man in the garden of 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:29.600 Eden to work it and take care of it. And 0:13:29.679 --> 0:13:36.000 the Lord God commanded the man, you are free from 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:40.440 any tree in the garden, but you must not eat 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:42.439 from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:46.320 for when you eat from it, you will certainly die. Man. 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.000 I'm convinced at this point that the man did not 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.720 write the one rule down because the very next verse 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:55.080 it says, in verse eighteen, the Lord God said, it 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.560 is not good for the man to be alone. I 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:01.480 will make a helper suitable for him. And women have 0:14:01.559 --> 0:14:06.240 been making lists for men ever since. Okay, I'm just 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:11.640 reading scripture. Okay, So but here's the thing. I'm so 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:16.200 completely fascinated that, of all the topics God could have 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:22.240 chosen for this first recorded conversation with Man, that God 0:14:22.320 --> 0:14:28.120 chose the topic of a boundary. Think of how many 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:32.520 things that the Lord could have surely had to discuss 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.680 with this man in this first recorded conversation, and yet 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:40.320 he chooses a topic of a boundary. Why Well, if 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.960 I look at the first three words that God says 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:51.560 in this first recorded conversation, God says, you are free. 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:55.600 You see, we serve a God of freedom, and in 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.480 order for there to be real freedom, boundaries have to 0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:00.960 exist so that we know. Oh, if we know where 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:04.280 those boundary lines are, then we can run freely between them, 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:08.400 and that's where real freedom exists. Can you imagine if 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:10.920 Adam was in the garden and he was tentative, he 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.280 didn't know what was okay and what was not okay, 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:15.640 then it would it would always be kind of like this, 0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:18.080 like I wonder if can I eat from this tree? 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:20.320 Can I go here? Can I do this? Can I 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:24.000 do that? And you see that mystery was solved when 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:28.480 God established the boundary, and then Adam was truly free. 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:34.560 You are free to eat from any tree in the garden. 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:40.160 But here comes the one restriction. You must not eat 0:15:40.240 --> 0:15:43.800 from this tree, the tree of the knowledge of good 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:46.920 and evil, for if you eat from it, you will die. 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:51.480 Now here's what I learned in that first boundary that 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:55.040 we see God establishing. He did it for the sake 0:15:55.120 --> 0:16:00.680 of freedom, and that one restriction. He wasn't overly restrictive, 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:06.640 but that one restriction it was for Adam's protection. Do 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:10.840 you know what the weight of eating from the tree 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:14.240 of the knowledge of good and evil? Do you know 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:18.520 the weight that that would put on Adam. I'll tell 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:20.560 you what it is. It's when we turn on the 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:24.840 TV and we hear about another school shooting, when our 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:27.560 best friend calls us and says that she has cancer. 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:34.360 It's the weight of addictions and affairs and so many 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.440 things that we hear about or that we experience. The 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:44.160 human heart was not originally supposed to experience. That is 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:48.280 the weight of the knowledge of evil. And that's what 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:51.560 God said, don't do this, not because he's an overly 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:55.680 restrictive God, but because he was trying to protect Adam 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:59.320 from what Adam didn't know. So it's for the sake 0:16:59.360 --> 0:17:02.120 of freedom. There is a restriction, but it's for the 0:17:02.200 --> 0:17:07.159 protection In that relationship. And also there's a consequence. If 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.080 you eat from it, you will die, because a boundary 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:13.560 without a consequence is nothing but a really bad suggestion, right, 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:18.160 And so boundaries, indeed, they're not just a good idea. 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:24.800 I see in scripture here that they're actually God's idea. 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:27.840 And so I kept reading in scripture, and it isn't 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:32.680 that interesting that in the garden there was one rule 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:36.600 given one rule. Can you imagine if we just still 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.080 lived in that time, like one rule, we only had 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:41.760 one to follow as a rule follower, that would just 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:43.760 be such a delight to my heart. I mean, it 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:48.240 would just be amazing. Right. But where there is sin, 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:52.280 there is dysfunction, and where there is dysfunction, there's chaos. 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:54.960 And where there is chaos, there is a need for order. 0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:58.480 And there are more boundaries established the more sin that 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:00.840 there is. And by the time time we get in 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:04.240 the Bible to the law and the profits, what started 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:08.360 out as one boundary, now he has over six hundred 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:15.680 boundaries because sin had increased. Therefore boundaries also increased. Then 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:18.960 by the time we get to the way that God 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:23.639 establishes the temple, this was the biggest revelation to me 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:29.160 of all, you say, when God establishes the temple, he 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:34.680 allows certain people access to certain places, but not all 0:18:34.760 --> 0:18:38.919 people all access. And it's not because this group of 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:42.080 people was more valuable than this group of people. It's 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:45.600 that the more access you had, the more responsibility you 0:18:45.640 --> 0:18:50.640 were required to demonstrate. So the more access, the more responsibility, 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:55.000 and the greater the consequence all the way to where 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:58.280 the high priest had the greatest access. The high priest 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:00.600 once a year could go into the Holy of Holies 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:04.000 to make atonement for the people. But in order to 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:06.840 do that, in order to have that kind of access, 0:19:07.320 --> 0:19:12.200 he had to demonstrate the absolute highest responsibility. He had 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:15.560 to be perfectly cleansed, he had to put on special garments, 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:19.360 and if he did not, then he would step into 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:25.119 the Holy of Holies and he would drop dead. Greatest access, 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:31.840 greatest responsibility required. Those two words became really important to 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:36.800 me as I started trying to understand the difference between 0:19:37.520 --> 0:19:47.200 healthy and unhealthy boundaries, helpful and utterly unhelpful boundaries, access 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:52.439 and responsibility. And here's what occurred to me. We all 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:58.560 have limited capacity in our life. Like we have limited 0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:02.080 financial capacity in our bank account, we have limited time 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:05.639 capacity we have limited energy capacity, and some people have 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:09.959 a lot more energy capacity, and some people are lower capacity. 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:12.760 Some people have a lot more financial capacity, and others 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:19.199 have lower capacity. But regardless, in all these areas of capacity, 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:26.760 we're limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because we're human. Now, 0:20:26.800 --> 0:20:29.520 if we get selfish with our capacity, then God can 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:32.800 certainly check our hearts on this. But what I'm seeing 0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:37.199 more often in my life is that I start to 0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:41.399 have this notion that I'm unlimited in some areas of 0:20:41.440 --> 0:20:45.280 my capacity where I'm very limited, and then it causes 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:49.080 me when I hyper extend or bankrupt my area of 0:20:49.160 --> 0:20:53.560 capacity because I'm saying yes to do much and I'm 0:20:53.640 --> 0:21:01.160 not properly managing my own areas of capacity. What happens 0:21:01.200 --> 0:21:06.240 to me is I start acting like I think I'm God, 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:13.359 because God is He is unlimited. God has all the capacity, 0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:15.400 and so when we start to act like we are 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:19.840 unlimited in our capacity, then we start acting like God. 0:21:19.960 --> 0:21:25.480 We are limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because 0:21:25.520 --> 0:21:30.280 we are very very human. So back to that word access. 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:37.760 If I am giving level ten access to someone who 0:21:37.840 --> 0:21:44.080 is not demonstrating level ten responsibility, maybe they're only demonstrating 0:21:44.160 --> 0:21:48.800 level three responsibility. Right, the distance between the access that 0:21:48.840 --> 0:21:53.520 I'm granting them and the responsibility that they are demonstrating. 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:58.720 That distance right there, that is where dysfunction grows. That 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:02.919 is where there's chaos, right, and that's where a boundary 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:05.840 is needed. Now here's the mistake I used to make. 0:22:06.880 --> 0:22:09.960 I would go, Okay, I'm giving level ten access. This 0:22:10.000 --> 0:22:13.439 person is only demonstrating level three responsibility. So I know 0:22:13.480 --> 0:22:15.239 what I have to do. I have to put a 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:19.879 boundary on them to force them, using external pressure, to 0:22:20.200 --> 0:22:24.000 increase their responsibility up to the level of access that 0:22:24.080 --> 0:22:28.359 I've granted them. So we can have a conversation with 0:22:28.440 --> 0:22:31.400 someone and request that they be more responsible. But if 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:36.639 they are unwilling or incapable of anything more than level 0:22:36.680 --> 0:22:39.960 three responsibility, us putting a boundary on them is only 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:45.280 going to cause more frustration. You see, we cannot possibly 0:22:45.480 --> 0:22:52.640 permanently change another person by using external pressure. Now think 0:22:52.640 --> 0:22:57.520 about today, if someone had a cardiac event, obviously those 0:22:57.520 --> 0:22:59.400 of us who know how to do CPR, we would 0:22:59.480 --> 0:23:04.119 rush to that person's aid and using external pressure, we 0:23:04.320 --> 0:23:08.359 would apply that pressure to make their heart beat and 0:23:08.400 --> 0:23:12.040 to create a change in their situation. But at some 0:23:12.200 --> 0:23:14.879 point if their heart does not start to quicken and 0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:20.600 beat on its own, you cannot permanently sustain that change 0:23:21.119 --> 0:23:25.760 using external pressure. Right. Never have you seen two friends 0:23:25.800 --> 0:23:28.320 walking around them all one doing chest compressions on the 0:23:28.320 --> 0:23:34.199 other and think, Wow, that's a sustainable, healthy relationship. Right? No, So, 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:38.720 but I know the desperation. I know the desperate feeling 0:23:38.880 --> 0:23:42.720 of something's got to change, and you know that it's 0:23:43.000 --> 0:23:46.520 the responsibility this person is not bringing. That's what's got 0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:49.919 to change. And so most of us just stay stuck 0:23:50.000 --> 0:23:53.000 in this frustrating place. We know that changes needed to 0:23:53.040 --> 0:23:56.240 be made. We make the changes that we can make. 0:23:57.119 --> 0:23:59.840 But in a relationship, if the other person is un 0:24:00.040 --> 0:24:04.879 willing or incapable, then that's where that weird dysfunction starts 0:24:04.960 --> 0:24:09.639 to happen. So if it's utterly unhelpful to put a 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:13.480 boundary on this other person trying to force them to change, 0:24:14.119 --> 0:24:17.480 what do we do? We put a boundary on ourselves. 0:24:18.680 --> 0:24:20.840 We put a boundary on ourselves. And if I am 0:24:20.880 --> 0:24:25.000 giving level ten access to areas of my capacity to 0:24:25.080 --> 0:24:30.080 someone who's only bringing level three responsibility, I cannot control 0:24:30.119 --> 0:24:34.000 another person. But God does say evidence of his fruit 0:24:34.160 --> 0:24:37.359 inside of me. One of those fruits is self control, 0:24:38.040 --> 0:24:42.240 and so I must reduce the access I grant to 0:24:42.280 --> 0:24:48.520 that person down to their demonstrated level of responsibility, right, 0:24:51.200 --> 0:24:55.560 so that equilibrium can occur in this relationship. Now here's 0:24:55.560 --> 0:24:59.479 the really great news. You guys are already doing this 0:24:59.640 --> 0:25:02.800 really really well in some areas of your life. Here's 0:25:02.840 --> 0:25:04.520 how I'm going to prove this to you. Okay, raise 0:25:04.560 --> 0:25:07.040 your hand. If you have a bank account, just raise 0:25:07.040 --> 0:25:09.080 your hand. I'm not coming after your bank account today. 0:25:09.080 --> 0:25:11.680 I just want you to know, okay, perfect, how many 0:25:11.720 --> 0:25:16.600 of you have a password or a security code protecting 0:25:16.640 --> 0:25:23.320 your bank account? Raise your hand? Is it because you're selfish, unchristian, unkind, 0:25:24.040 --> 0:25:28.400 not willing to give to others? No, that's not at all. 0:25:28.480 --> 0:25:30.760 You have a passcode. And I didn't say you could 0:25:30.840 --> 0:25:35.119 remember your passcode. I'm just saying you have a passcode, right, 0:25:35.160 --> 0:25:39.480 But you have a passcode? Why? Because you have limited 0:25:39.640 --> 0:25:44.600 resources in your bank account, and if you gave everyone 0:25:44.800 --> 0:25:49.840 in here access to your bank account, then there may 0:25:49.880 --> 0:25:53.280 be some people in here who would be irresponsible and 0:25:53.320 --> 0:25:56.720 they would take so much of the money that you 0:25:56.800 --> 0:26:01.720 have in your bank account that you would become bankrupt. Therefore, 0:26:01.840 --> 0:26:04.520 you put a security pass code there, not because you're selfish, 0:26:04.520 --> 0:26:07.200 but because you are wise and because you want to 0:26:07.240 --> 0:26:11.200 be a good steward of the resources that you have. 0:26:11.680 --> 0:26:14.520 We know this with our financial capacity, but we forget 0:26:14.520 --> 0:26:19.520 it in so many other areas of our life. Okay, 0:26:20.080 --> 0:26:25.159 so how does this really work? How does it really work? 0:26:25.359 --> 0:26:31.160