Speaker 1: Everyone's got advice for us, but it's hard to know
Speaker 1: what advice to follow and where to start. We can't
Speaker 1: expect to get love right when we've never been educated
Speaker 1: on how to give or receive it. We think there's
Speaker 1: a perfect person out there for us, a soulmate, the one,
Speaker 1: and dating apps reinforce that belief. That's wonderful when it happens,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't happen to everyone, and it doesn't always
Speaker 1: stay so perfect. Everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the
Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each
Speaker 1: and every one of you that come back every week
Speaker 1: to become the happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, my
Speaker 1: new book, Eight Rules of Love just came out three
Speaker 1: days ago. I am so excited for you to read it.
Speaker 1: If you haven't already ordered it, you can order it
Speaker 1: right now at eight Rules of Love dot com. You
Speaker 1: can buy it at Bonds and Noble, and you can
Speaker 1: also get a free PDF when you do that, which
Speaker 1: gives you reflection, questions and an online journal to help
Speaker 1: you think and introspect with the book. That's a special
Speaker 1: offer when you order today from eight Rules of Love
Speaker 1: dot com, and I'd love to invite you to come
Speaker 1: and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go
Speaker 1: to Jay Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets,
Speaker 1: VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you
Speaker 1: this year. Now I have another surprise for you. I
Speaker 1: have something else that's special for you. Today's episode is
Speaker 1: the audiobook introduction Absolutely Free. I can't wait to share
Speaker 1: this with you. I hope that so many of you
Speaker 1: will listen to this, be inspired, and then go and
Speaker 1: grab the audiobook from eight Rules of Love dot com.
Speaker 1: So it's in my voice. I'm giving you the first
Speaker 1: introduction of the book Totally Free on the show because
Speaker 1: I love our OPS community. I love your dedication to
Speaker 1: this community. I can't wait for you to listen to it.
Speaker 1: I tell some really interesting stories about rather talk about
Speaker 1: the history of love and our definitions of love. I
Speaker 1: think you're really going to enjoy today's episode. I can't
Speaker 1: wait for you to hear it. And of course, if
Speaker 1: you want to support, head over to eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love dot com and order the audiobook and listen to
Speaker 1: the rest. Thank you so much. Introduction. What is the
Speaker 1: difference between like and love? Asks a student. The teacher responds,
Speaker 1: when you Like a flower, you pluck it. When you
Speaker 1: love a flower, you water it daily. This frequently cited
Speaker 1: dialogue illustrates one of my favorite ideas about love. We
Speaker 1: are attracted to beauty. We long for it and want
Speaker 1: it for our own. This is the flower that we
Speaker 1: pluck and enjoy, but attraction, like a cut flower, eventually
Speaker 1: withers and we discard it. When attraction develops into love,
Speaker 1: it requires more care. When we want to keep a
Speaker 1: flower alive, we don't cut it and put it in
Speaker 1: a vase. We give it sunlight, soil, and water. And
Speaker 1: it's only when you care for a flower over time,
Speaker 1: doing your best to keep it alive, that you fully
Speaker 1: experience its beauty, the freshness, the color, the scent, the bloom.
Speaker 1: You notice, the delicate detail on each petal. You watch,
Speaker 1: your respond to the seasons. You find joy and satisfaction
Speaker 1: when a new but appears, and feel a thrill when
Speaker 1: it blossoms. We are drawn to love as we're drawn
Speaker 1: to a flower, first by its beauty and a law.
Speaker 1: But the only way we can keep it alive is
Speaker 1: through consistent care and attention. Love is a daily effort.
Speaker 1: I want to develop the habit of love with you.
Speaker 1: In this book, I'll introduce you to practices, mindsets, and
Speaker 1: tools that will help you love in a way that
Speaker 1: brings daily rewards, season after season. It has been said
Speaker 1: that the greatest pursuit of human life is to love
Speaker 1: and to be loved. We believe in love. It's in
Speaker 1: our nature to be drawn to love stories, to long
Speaker 1: for one of our own, and to hope that true
Speaker 1: love is possible. But many of us also know what
Speaker 1: it feels like to be a flower that's been cut
Speaker 1: and stuck in water, only to wilt and lose our bloom.
Speaker 1: Maybe you've felt that way, or maybe you've cut and
Speaker 1: discarded a few flowers in your time, or maybe you
Speaker 1: haven't found love yet and are still looking. These disappointments
Speaker 1: might come in different forms. Believing you were in love,
Speaker 1: then feeling misled, thinking it was love, only to find
Speaker 1: it was last, being certain it was love but discovering
Speaker 1: it was a lie. Expecting love to last but watching
Speaker 1: it fade. Maybe we fear commitment or choose people who do,
Speaker 1: or set our standards too high and don't give people
Speaker 1: a chance. Maybe an X is still on our minds,
Speaker 1: or maybe we've just had a run of bad luck,
Speaker 1: instead of falling for false promises or unfulfilling partners, instead
Speaker 1: of feeling defeated or hopeless, instead of getting your heart broken,
Speaker 1: I want you to experience the expansive love that you
Speaker 1: hope exists. Romantic love is at once familiar and complex.
Speaker 1: It has been seen and described in infinite ways across
Speaker 1: time and cultures. Psychologist Tim Lomas, a lecturer in the
Speaker 1: Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University, analyzed fifty languages and
Speaker 1: identified fourteen unique kinds of love. The ancient Greeks said
Speaker 1: there were seven basic types eross, which is sexual or
Speaker 1: passionate love, filia or friendship, store gay or familial love,
Speaker 1: a gape which is universal love, ludus which is casual
Speaker 1: or noncommittal love, pragma which is based on duty or
Speaker 1: other interests, and filotia, which is self love. An analysis
Speaker 1: of Chinese literature from five hundred to three thousand years
Speaker 1: old reveals many forms of love, from passionate and obsessive
Speaker 1: love to devoted love to casual love. In the Tamil language,
Speaker 1: there are more than fifty words for various kinds and
Speaker 1: nuances of love, such as love is grace, love within
Speaker 1: a fulfilling relationship and a melting inside due to a
Speaker 1: feeling of love. In Japanese, the term koi no yo
Speaker 1: khan describes the sensation of meeting someone new and feeling
Speaker 1: that you're destined to fall in love with them, and
Speaker 1: koku haku describes a declaration of loving commitment. In India's
Speaker 1: Borough language, anstra describes the knowledge that a relationship will fade.
Speaker 1: Our own culture describes love in numerous ways. If we
Speaker 1: look at the billboard Top fifty love songs of all time,
Speaker 1: we are told that love is a secondhand emotion. Tina Turner,
Speaker 1: love is a roller coaster, Ohio Players, Love is a hangover,
Speaker 1: Diana Ross. Love is a crazy little thing, Queen Love's
Speaker 1: got Beyonce looking so crazy right now? And Leona Lewis
Speaker 1: keeps bleeding love. Movies idealize love, but we rarely find
Speaker 1: out what happens after Happily ever after. With so many
Speaker 1: perspectives and portraits and parables of love surrounding us every day,
Speaker 1: I want this book to help you create your own
Speaker 1: definition of love and develop the skills to practice and
Speaker 1: enjoy that love every day. When I was twenty one
Speaker 1: years old, I skipped my college graduation to join an
Speaker 1: ushram in a village near Mumbai. I spent three years
Speaker 1: there as a Hindu monk, meditating, studying ancient scriptures, and
Speaker 1: volunteering alongside my fellow monks. The oldest Hindu scriptures we
Speaker 1: studied are called the Vaders. They were written on palm
Speaker 1: leaves in Sanskrit more than five thousand years ago. Most
Speaker 1: of the palm leaves no longer exist, but the texts
Speaker 1: have survived. Some of them are even online. Their presence
Speaker 1: and relevance in the modern world always amaze and inspire me.
Speaker 1: I've been studying the Vaders for sixteen years now, and
Speaker 1: for the three years I lived as a monk, I
Speaker 1: studied them deeply. When I saw the practical and accessible
Speaker 1: wisdom hidden within them, I started sharing these messages and
Speaker 1: inside with people around the world through podcasts, books and videos.
Speaker 1: A big part of my work today is coaching individuals
Speaker 1: and couples and training others to do the same. This
Speaker 1: work has allowed me to certify more than two thousand coaches,
Speaker 1: all of whom use a curriculum I developed that is
Speaker 1: rooted in Vedic principles. I've used wisdom from the Vaders
Speaker 1: to form the concepts in this book. I turned to
Speaker 1: the Vaders because these ancient scribes speak of love in
Speaker 1: ways I hadn't heard before. What they say is simple
Speaker 1: and accessible, an old lends that offers a new perspective.
Speaker 1: The Vaders introduced me to the fundamental ideas that love
Speaker 1: has stages, that love is a process, and that we
Speaker 1: all desire to love and be loved. As I worked
Speaker 1: with individuals and couples on their relationships and transitions into
Speaker 1: and out of love, I saw that the validity of
Speaker 1: these concepts stands the test of real life settings. Then,
Speaker 1: in comments on my videos and responses to my podcast,
Speaker 1: I saw and heard people struggling with the same recurring
Speaker 1: patterns in their relationships, many of them issues that I
Speaker 1: had successfully addressed with my clients using Vedic concepts. I
Speaker 1: wrote this book so that anyone can access these concepts
Speaker 1: and discuss them with friends, family, and partners. I drew
Speaker 1: from the guidance of the Vaders, from what has worked
Speaker 1: with my clients, from my own travels, and from what
Speaker 1: I learned with my fellow monks. I love the intersection
Speaker 1: of modern science and ancient wisdom. The ideas here are
Speaker 1: supported by both, though we are repurposing Vedic concepts in
Speaker 1: ways they haven't been used before, applying spiritual concepts to
Speaker 1: earthly relationships. The practice of love nobody sits us down
Speaker 1: and teaches us how to love. Love is all around us,
Speaker 1: but it can be hard to learn from friends and
Speaker 1: family who themselves are just winging it. Some are looking
Speaker 1: for love, Some are giddy and love and full of hope.
Speaker 1: Some might be ghosting each other or leading each other on.
Speaker 1: Some are together but not in love, Some are breaking
Speaker 1: up because they just can't figure out how to make
Speaker 1: it work, and some seem content in their loving relationships.
Speaker 1: Everyone's got advice for us. Love is all you need.
Speaker 1: When you meet your soulmate, you'll know you can change them.
Speaker 1: Relationships should feel easy opposites attract, but it's hard to
Speaker 1: know what advice to follow and where to start. We
Speaker 1: can't expect to get love right when we've never been
Speaker 1: educated on how to give or receive it, how to
Speaker 1: manage our emotions in connection to someone else's, how to
Speaker 1: understand others, how to build a nurture relationship where both
Speaker 1: people thrive. Most of the advice on love is caught
Speaker 1: up in how to find mister or missus Wright. We
Speaker 1: think there's a perfect person out there for us, a soulmate,
Speaker 1: the one, and dating apps reinforce that belief. That's wonderful
Speaker 1: when it happens, but it doesn't happen to everyone, and
Speaker 1: it doesn't always stay so perfect. This book is different
Speaker 1: because it's not about finding the perfect person or relationship
Speaker 1: and leaving the rest to chance. I want to help
Speaker 1: you intentionally build love instead of wishing, wanting, and waiting
Speaker 1: for it to arrive fully formed. I want to help
Speaker 1: you deal with the challenges and imperfections we encounter on
Speaker 1: the journey to love. I want you to create a
Speaker 1: love that grows every day, expanding and evolving, rather than
Speaker 1: achieved and complete. We can't know where and when we'll
Speaker 1: find love, but we can prepare for it and practice
Speaker 1: what we've learned when we find it. The Vaders describe
Speaker 1: four stages of life, and these are the classrooms in
Speaker 1: which we'll learn the rules of love so that we
Speaker 1: can recognize and make the most of it when it
Speaker 1: comes our way. Instead of presenting love as an ethereal concept,
Speaker 1: they describe it as a series of steps, stages, and
Speaker 1: experiences that chart a clear path forward. After we learn
Speaker 1: the lessons of one level, we move to the next.
Speaker 1: If we struggle or move on from a stage before
Speaker 1: we've completed it, we simply return to the lesson we need.
Speaker 1: Life pushes us back in the direction of this work.
Speaker 1: The four classrooms are Brahmacharya Ashram, Grahasta Ashram, Vanaprastashram, and
Speaker 1: Sanya Sashram. If you look up ashram in a dictionary,
Speaker 1: you'll find that it means hermitage. The meanings of Sanskrit
Speaker 1: words often get stripped down in their English definitions, but
Speaker 1: in practice they have more depth. I define ushram as
Speaker 1: a school of learning, growth and support, a sanctuary for
Speaker 1: self development, somewhat like the ushram in which I spent
Speaker 1: my years as a monk. We are meant to be
Speaker 1: learning at every stage of life. Think about life as
Speaker 1: a series of classrooms or ushrams, in which we learn
Speaker 1: various lessons. Each ashram brings us to a different level
Speaker 1: of love. The first ushram preparing for love. In the
Speaker 1: first Ushram Brahmachariah, we prepare for love. We don't get
Speaker 1: in a car and start to drive without studying for
Speaker 1: a learner's permit and practicing the core skills in a
Speaker 1: safe space. When we take a new job, we might
Speaker 1: prepare by learning a new computer program, talking to people
Speaker 1: we'll be working with about what might be expected of us,
Speaker 1: or reviewing whatever skills we might need. And we prepare
Speaker 1: for love by learning how to love ourselves in solitude alone.
Speaker 1: We learn to understand ourselves, to heal our own pain,
Speaker 1: and to care for ourselves. We acquire skills like compassion, empathy,
Speaker 1: and patience. Rule one. This prepares us to share love
Speaker 1: because we'll need these qualities when we love someone else.
Speaker 1: We will also examine our past relationships to avoid making
Speaker 1: the same mistakes in relationships going forward. Rule two. The
Speaker 1: second Ushram practicing love. The second Ushram Grahasta is when
Speaker 1: we extend our love to others while still loving ourselves.
Speaker 1: The three chapters in this stage explain how to understand, appreciate,
Speaker 1: and cooperate with another mind another set of values and preferences.
Speaker 1: We tend to oversimplify love, thinking of it as just
Speaker 1: chemistry and compatibility. Romance and attraction are indeed the initial
Speaker 1: connection points, but I define the deepest love as when
Speaker 1: you like someone's personality, respect their values, and help them
Speaker 1: toward their goals in a long term, committed relationship. You
Speaker 1: may feel this way about your friends, and I hope
Speaker 1: you do, But I'm talking about maintaining these qualities when
Speaker 1: you live with someone, see them every single day, and
Speaker 1: are at their side for their greatest joys, biggest disappointments,
Speaker 1: and all the mundanity and intensity of daily life. Ingrahusta,
Speaker 1: we will examine how to know if you're in love
Speaker 1: Rule three, how to learn and grow with your partner,
Speaker 1: Rule four, and how to set priorities and manage personal
Speaker 1: time and space in your relationship Rule five. The Third
Speaker 1: Ushram protecting Love Varna Presta. The third Ushram is a
Speaker 1: healing place where we retreat to seek peace. We find
Speaker 1: ourselves here either after a breakup, a loss, or when
Speaker 1: family life has downshifted to require less of our attention.
Speaker 1: After learning to give love to others in Grahasta and
Speaker 1: giving so much, this is an interlude where we reflect
Speaker 1: on the experience of loving others, discover what might block
Speaker 1: our ability to love, and work on forgiveness and healing.
Speaker 1: In Varna Presta, we learn how to resolve conflict so
Speaker 1: we can protect our love Rule six. We also protect
Speaker 1: ourselves and our ability to love by learning when to
Speaker 1: break up and how to deal with it if we do.
Speaker 1: Rule seven. The fourth ashram perfecting love. The fourth ashram
Speaker 1: Senias is the epitome of love when we're extending our
Speaker 1: love to every person and every moment of our life.
Speaker 1: In this stage, our love becomes boundless. We realize we
Speaker 1: can experience love at any time with anyone. We learn
Speaker 1: how to love again and again rulate. We strive for
Speaker 1: this perfection, but we never achieve it. Many of us
Speaker 1: pass through these four ashrams without learning the lessons they present.
Speaker 1: In the first ashram, we resist being alone and miss
Speaker 1: out on the growth that solitude offers. In the second,
Speaker 1: we avoid lessons that come from the challenges that accompany
Speaker 1: any relationship. In the third, we don't take responsibility for
Speaker 1: our healing. And the fourth, loving everyone is something we
Speaker 1: never even consider because we have no idea it's possible.
Speaker 1: This book follows the order of these ushrams, which essentially
Speaker 1: follow the cycle of relationships, from preparing for love to
Speaker 1: practicing love, to protecting love to perfecting love. Thinking about
Speaker 1: these four ushrams, I narrowed them down to the eight
Speaker 1: rules we need to learn and qualities we need to develop,
Speaker 1: to move from one ushram to the next. Two rules
Speaker 1: to prepare for love, three rules to practice love, two
Speaker 1: rules to protect love, and one rule to strive toward
Speaker 1: perfect love. Eight timeless universal rules. These rules are cumulative.
Speaker 1: They build on one another. I intend for you to
Speaker 1: approach them in this order, but they're meant to serve
Speaker 1: us at any age and stage of a relationship. Some
Speaker 1: of them are counterintuitive. I talk about solitude as the
Speaker 1: beginning of love. I tell you that you must put
Speaker 1: your purpose before your partners. I explain that your partner
Speaker 1: is your guru. These are new approaches to love that
Speaker 1: will guide you in how to improve your chances at
Speaker 1: finding love. What to look for on your first date,
Speaker 1: what to do if you have a type, how to
Speaker 1: present yourself, when to say I love you, when to
Speaker 1: make a commitment, how to handle conflict, how to manage
Speaker 1: a household, and when to call it quits. Each of
Speaker 1: these rules helps you develop a mindset for love. Whether
Speaker 1: you're single, in a relationship, or breaking up. You can
Speaker 1: practice solitude in a relationship. You can reframe your approach
Speaker 1: to conflict no matter what your situation. These rules coming
Speaker 1: to play in all life scenarios. This book isn't a
Speaker 1: collection of manipulative techniques. I won't give you pickup lines
Speaker 1: to grab people's attention. I won't tell you how to
Speaker 1: make yourself into the person they want you to be,
Speaker 1: or how to make them into who you want them
Speaker 1: to be. This is about embracing your preferences and proclivities
Speaker 1: so you don't waste time on people who aren't good
Speaker 1: for you. It's about learning how to display your values,
Speaker 1: not how to advertise yourself. It's about letting go of
Speaker 1: any anger, greed, ego, self doubt and confusion that clouds
Speaker 1: your heart and interferes with your ability to love. Along
Speaker 1: the way, I will give you techniques to help you
Speaker 1: work through loneliness, let go of expectations, nurture intimacy, and
Speaker 1: heal from heartbreak. When I decided to ask Radi to
Speaker 1: marry me, I set out to arrange the best, most
Speaker 1: romantic proposal of all time. I ask a friend about
Speaker 1: engagement rings and bought her a classic diamond ring. Then,
Speaker 1: on a beautiful spring evening in twenty fourteen, I suggested
Speaker 1: to her that we meet near London Bridge to take
Speaker 1: a walk down the bank of the Thames we were
Speaker 1: living in London at the time. I told her we
Speaker 1: were going to a nice place for dinner, knowing she
Speaker 1: would dress appropriately for the night I had planned. Just
Speaker 1: as we passed an idyllic spot with one of the
Speaker 1: best views in the city, a man suddenly appeared and
Speaker 1: gave her a huge bouquet. As she was marveling over
Speaker 1: the flowers, an a cappella group burst out of nowhere
Speaker 1: and joined the bouquet bearing man to sing the Bruno
Speaker 1: Mars song Marry You. I got down on one knee
Speaker 1: and proposed to her. She cried. I cried too. After
Speaker 1: she said yes, A vegan meal was delivered and we
Speaker 1: sat down to eat at the table I'd set up
Speaker 1: on the bank of the Thames. She thought that was
Speaker 1: the end of the fanfare and we got up to
Speaker 1: head home. But as we rounded the corner there was
Speaker 1: a white horse drawn carriage. We climbed aboard and it
Speaker 1: carried us through the city, passing all the major sites.
Speaker 1: She was shouting out, I'm engaged, and passes by cheered
Speaker 1: for us. Finally, we went to share our good news
Speaker 1: with her parents, but on the way there, red spots
Speaker 1: appeared all over Ddy's face. By the time we arrived
Speaker 1: at her parents, she was covered in hives, and their
Speaker 1: first words to us weren't congratulations, but what's wrong with
Speaker 1: your face? That was the day we discovered she's allergic
Speaker 1: to horses. I thought I had choreographed the perfect proposal,
Speaker 1: but as time passed, it occurred to me that all
Speaker 1: my ideas had come from Disney movies and viral proposal videos.
Speaker 1: Does Radie actually enjoy a cappella music, sure, but she
Speaker 1: isn't integrand gestures. Does she have an attachment to the
Speaker 1: Thames or riding through London? Not really? Clearly, Being near
Speaker 1: horses and covered in hives isn't her dream date, And
Speaker 1: it turns out diamonds aren't her gemstone of choice. What
Speaker 1: does Radie really care about? She loves food, and while
Speaker 1: I'd arranged for a vegan restaurant to deliver food to
Speaker 1: us at the river, it arrived cold and bland. The
Speaker 1: one detail she would have appreciated the most was the
Speaker 1: one I planned the least, and its execution was the worst. Also,
Speaker 1: Radi adores her family, and if I'd been considering that,
Speaker 1: I might have planned for them to jump out of
Speaker 1: the bushes to surprise us instead of the singers. She
Speaker 1: would have loved that we had fun and I lucked out.
Speaker 1: Radie said yes and never complained about any of it.
Speaker 1: But my proposal wasn't particularly personal. Throughout my life, I'd
Speaker 1: seen love presented through over the top romantic gestures, and
Speaker 1: I thought that was the only way to show how
Speaker 1: I felt. The hives were a gentle hint that I
Speaker 1: didn't know what I was doing, that I should think
Speaker 1: about the person standing in front of me instead of
Speaker 1: the images of fairytale love that constantly bombard us. For
Speaker 1: my whole life, I'd been surrounded by stories that told
Speaker 1: me how love should play out. We all are, and
Speaker 1: most of us unconsciously gravitate in love and all things
Speaker 1: to a conventional path. In heterosexual relationships, men still do
Speaker 1: most of the proposing on the wedding site the knot
Speaker 1: Ninety seven percent of proposal stories are of grooms to
Speaker 1: be popping the question. Eight percent of brides receive a
Speaker 1: diamond engagement ring. According to a survey in Bride's magazine,
Speaker 1: More than eighty percent of brides were white, and seventy
Speaker 1: six percent of women take their husband's last name. The
Speaker 1: nuclear family is still the most common family structure in
Speaker 1: the US, with only one in five Americans living in
Speaker 1: a household with two or more adult generations under one roof,
Speaker 1: roughly the same percentage as in nineteen fifty. Seventy two
Speaker 1: percent of Americans live in or near the city where
Speaker 1: they grew up, and even though the number of people
Speaker 1: who say they'd like a non exclusive partnership has risen,
Speaker 1: only about four to five percent of Americans are actually
Speaker 1: in a consensual, non monogamous relationship. The storybook version of
Speaker 1: love I displayed for RADI wasn't the love that would
Speaker 1: sustain our relationship. Fairy tales, films, and myths don't tell
Speaker 1: us how to practice love every day. That requires learning
Speaker 1: what love means for the two of us as individuals,
Speaker 1: and un learning what we thought it meant. That's why
Speaker 1: I'm sharing my imperfect story. I don't know everything, and
Speaker 1: I don't have everything figured out. Radie has taught me
Speaker 1: so much about love, and I continue to learn with her.
Speaker 1: I'm sharing all this book's advice with you, knowing how
Speaker 1: much I could have used it myself and will use
Speaker 1: it in the future. Love is not about staging the
Speaker 1: perfect proposal or creating a perfect relationship. It's about learning
Speaker 1: to navigate the imperfections that are intrinsic to ourselves, our partners,
Speaker 1: and life itself. I hope this book helps you do
Speaker 1: just that. Thank you so much for listening to my
Speaker 1: introduction to my new book, Eight Rules of Love. I
Speaker 1: really hope you enjoyed it, and if you did, make
Speaker 1: sure you go and order and buy my new book
Speaker 1: on audiobook or physical copy whatever's good for you from
Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank you so much.