1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:03,280 Speaker 1: Everyone's got advice for us, but it's hard to know 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,720 Speaker 1: what advice to follow and where to start. We can't 3 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 1: expect to get love right when we've never been educated 4 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,520 Speaker 1: on how to give or receive it. We think there's 5 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:17,240 Speaker 1: a perfect person out there for us, a soulmate, the one, 6 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: and dating apps reinforce that belief. That's wonderful when it happens, 7 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 1: but it doesn't happen to everyone, and it doesn't always 8 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: stay so perfect. Everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the 9 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,880 Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each 10 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 1: and every one of you that come back every week 11 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: to become the happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, my 12 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:48,520 Speaker 1: new book, Eight Rules of Love just came out three 13 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: days ago. I am so excited for you to read it. 14 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 1: If you haven't already ordered it, you can order it 15 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:57,840 Speaker 1: right now at eight Rules of Love dot com. You 16 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 1: can buy it at Bonds and Noble, and you can 17 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: also get a free PDF when you do that, which 18 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,880 Speaker 1: gives you reflection, questions and an online journal to help 19 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: you think and introspect with the book. That's a special 20 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,479 Speaker 1: offer when you order today from eight Rules of Love 21 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: dot com, and I'd love to invite you to come 22 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:20,759 Speaker 1: and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go 23 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:25,040 Speaker 1: to Jay Shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, 24 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you 25 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,800 Speaker 1: this year. Now I have another surprise for you. I 26 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 1: have something else that's special for you. Today's episode is 27 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 1: the audiobook introduction Absolutely Free. I can't wait to share 28 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 1: this with you. I hope that so many of you 29 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: will listen to this, be inspired, and then go and 30 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: grab the audiobook from eight Rules of Love dot com. 31 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,560 Speaker 1: So it's in my voice. I'm giving you the first 32 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 1: introduction of the book Totally Free on the show because 33 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: I love our OPS community. I love your dedication to 34 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 1: this community. I can't wait for you to listen to it. 35 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 1: I tell some really interesting stories about rather talk about 36 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:12,240 Speaker 1: the history of love and our definitions of love. I 37 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: think you're really going to enjoy today's episode. I can't 38 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: wait for you to hear it. And of course, if 39 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,360 Speaker 1: you want to support, head over to eight Rules of 40 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 1: Love dot com and order the audiobook and listen to 41 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:28,680 Speaker 1: the rest. Thank you so much. Introduction. What is the 42 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 1: difference between like and love? Asks a student. The teacher responds, 43 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 1: when you Like a flower, you pluck it. When you 44 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:41,680 Speaker 1: love a flower, you water it daily. This frequently cited 45 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 1: dialogue illustrates one of my favorite ideas about love. We 46 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: are attracted to beauty. We long for it and want 47 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,480 Speaker 1: it for our own. This is the flower that we 48 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 1: pluck and enjoy, but attraction, like a cut flower, eventually 49 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:02,360 Speaker 1: withers and we discard it. When attraction develops into love, 50 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: it requires more care. When we want to keep a 51 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 1: flower alive, we don't cut it and put it in 52 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: a vase. We give it sunlight, soil, and water. And 53 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,360 Speaker 1: it's only when you care for a flower over time, 54 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: doing your best to keep it alive, that you fully 55 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:26,359 Speaker 1: experience its beauty, the freshness, the color, the scent, the bloom. 56 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,400 Speaker 1: You notice, the delicate detail on each petal. You watch, 57 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 1: your respond to the seasons. You find joy and satisfaction 58 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: when a new but appears, and feel a thrill when 59 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: it blossoms. We are drawn to love as we're drawn 60 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: to a flower, first by its beauty and a law. 61 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 1: But the only way we can keep it alive is 62 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: through consistent care and attention. Love is a daily effort. 63 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: I want to develop the habit of love with you. 64 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: In this book, I'll introduce you to practices, mindsets, and 65 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: tools that will help you love in a way that 66 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 1: brings daily rewards, season after season. It has been said 67 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 1: that the greatest pursuit of human life is to love 68 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: and to be loved. We believe in love. It's in 69 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:18,719 Speaker 1: our nature to be drawn to love stories, to long 70 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,279 Speaker 1: for one of our own, and to hope that true 71 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:25,240 Speaker 1: love is possible. But many of us also know what 72 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 1: it feels like to be a flower that's been cut 73 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,480 Speaker 1: and stuck in water, only to wilt and lose our bloom. 74 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,720 Speaker 1: Maybe you've felt that way, or maybe you've cut and 75 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,520 Speaker 1: discarded a few flowers in your time, or maybe you 76 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 1: haven't found love yet and are still looking. These disappointments 77 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,040 Speaker 1: might come in different forms. Believing you were in love, 78 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:53,159 Speaker 1: then feeling misled, thinking it was love, only to find 79 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:57,600 Speaker 1: it was last, being certain it was love but discovering 80 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,560 Speaker 1: it was a lie. Expecting love to last but watching 81 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:06,080 Speaker 1: it fade. Maybe we fear commitment or choose people who do, 82 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 1: or set our standards too high and don't give people 83 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 1: a chance. Maybe an X is still on our minds, 84 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,000 Speaker 1: or maybe we've just had a run of bad luck, 85 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 1: instead of falling for false promises or unfulfilling partners, instead 86 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: of feeling defeated or hopeless, instead of getting your heart broken, 87 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: I want you to experience the expansive love that you 88 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: hope exists. Romantic love is at once familiar and complex. 89 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,359 Speaker 1: It has been seen and described in infinite ways across 90 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: time and cultures. Psychologist Tim Lomas, a lecturer in the 91 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 1: Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University, analyzed fifty languages and 92 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:57,600 Speaker 1: identified fourteen unique kinds of love. The ancient Greeks said 93 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 1: there were seven basic types eross, which is sexual or 94 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:07,560 Speaker 1: passionate love, filia or friendship, store gay or familial love, 95 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 1: a gape which is universal love, ludus which is casual 96 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: or noncommittal love, pragma which is based on duty or 97 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:23,160 Speaker 1: other interests, and filotia, which is self love. An analysis 98 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:27,479 Speaker 1: of Chinese literature from five hundred to three thousand years 99 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 1: old reveals many forms of love, from passionate and obsessive 100 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:37,680 Speaker 1: love to devoted love to casual love. In the Tamil language, 101 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: there are more than fifty words for various kinds and 102 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,600 Speaker 1: nuances of love, such as love is grace, love within 103 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:49,960 Speaker 1: a fulfilling relationship and a melting inside due to a 104 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:54,560 Speaker 1: feeling of love. In Japanese, the term koi no yo 105 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 1: khan describes the sensation of meeting someone new and feeling 106 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: that you're destined to fall in love with them, and 107 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: koku haku describes a declaration of loving commitment. In India's 108 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: Borough language, anstra describes the knowledge that a relationship will fade. 109 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 1: Our own culture describes love in numerous ways. If we 110 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: look at the billboard Top fifty love songs of all time, 111 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:27,760 Speaker 1: we are told that love is a secondhand emotion. Tina Turner, 112 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: love is a roller coaster, Ohio Players, Love is a hangover, 113 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 1: Diana Ross. Love is a crazy little thing, Queen Love's 114 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: got Beyonce looking so crazy right now? And Leona Lewis 115 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 1: keeps bleeding love. Movies idealize love, but we rarely find 116 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: out what happens after Happily ever after. With so many 117 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: perspectives and portraits and parables of love surrounding us every day, 118 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: I want this book to help you create your own 119 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: definition of love and develop the skills to practice and 120 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: enjoy that love every day. When I was twenty one 121 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: years old, I skipped my college graduation to join an 122 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 1: ushram in a village near Mumbai. I spent three years 123 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: there as a Hindu monk, meditating, studying ancient scriptures, and 124 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 1: volunteering alongside my fellow monks. The oldest Hindu scriptures we 125 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: studied are called the Vaders. They were written on palm 126 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:34,600 Speaker 1: leaves in Sanskrit more than five thousand years ago. Most 127 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,680 Speaker 1: of the palm leaves no longer exist, but the texts 128 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: have survived. Some of them are even online. Their presence 129 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,640 Speaker 1: and relevance in the modern world always amaze and inspire me. 130 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,280 Speaker 1: I've been studying the Vaders for sixteen years now, and 131 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: for the three years I lived as a monk, I 132 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:55,439 Speaker 1: studied them deeply. When I saw the practical and accessible 133 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: wisdom hidden within them, I started sharing these messages and 134 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:04,440 Speaker 1: inside with people around the world through podcasts, books and videos. 135 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,320 Speaker 1: A big part of my work today is coaching individuals 136 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: and couples and training others to do the same. This 137 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 1: work has allowed me to certify more than two thousand coaches, 138 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,719 Speaker 1: all of whom use a curriculum I developed that is 139 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: rooted in Vedic principles. I've used wisdom from the Vaders 140 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: to form the concepts in this book. I turned to 141 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:31,040 Speaker 1: the Vaders because these ancient scribes speak of love in 142 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: ways I hadn't heard before. What they say is simple 143 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,199 Speaker 1: and accessible, an old lends that offers a new perspective. 144 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 1: The Vaders introduced me to the fundamental ideas that love 145 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: has stages, that love is a process, and that we 146 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: all desire to love and be loved. As I worked 147 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 1: with individuals and couples on their relationships and transitions into 148 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: and out of love, I saw that the validity of 149 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: these concepts stands the test of real life settings. Then, 150 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 1: in comments on my videos and responses to my podcast, 151 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 1: I saw and heard people struggling with the same recurring 152 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 1: patterns in their relationships, many of them issues that I 153 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: had successfully addressed with my clients using Vedic concepts. I 154 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 1: wrote this book so that anyone can access these concepts 155 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: and discuss them with friends, family, and partners. I drew 156 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: from the guidance of the Vaders, from what has worked 157 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,800 Speaker 1: with my clients, from my own travels, and from what 158 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 1: I learned with my fellow monks. I love the intersection 159 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 1: of modern science and ancient wisdom. The ideas here are 160 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 1: supported by both, though we are repurposing Vedic concepts in 161 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: ways they haven't been used before, applying spiritual concepts to 162 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:58,120 Speaker 1: earthly relationships. The practice of love nobody sits us down 163 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: and teaches us how to love. Love is all around us, 164 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: but it can be hard to learn from friends and 165 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,079 Speaker 1: family who themselves are just winging it. Some are looking 166 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 1: for love, Some are giddy and love and full of hope. 167 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,680 Speaker 1: Some might be ghosting each other or leading each other on. 168 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: Some are together but not in love, Some are breaking 169 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: up because they just can't figure out how to make 170 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 1: it work, and some seem content in their loving relationships. 171 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 1: Everyone's got advice for us. Love is all you need. 172 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 1: When you meet your soulmate, you'll know you can change them. 173 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:41,839 Speaker 1: Relationships should feel easy opposites attract, but it's hard to 174 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: know what advice to follow and where to start. We 175 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:48,840 Speaker 1: can't expect to get love right when we've never been 176 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 1: educated on how to give or receive it, how to 177 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: manage our emotions in connection to someone else's, how to 178 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:01,600 Speaker 1: understand others, how to build a nurture relationship where both 179 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: people thrive. Most of the advice on love is caught 180 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 1: up in how to find mister or missus Wright. We 181 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,000 Speaker 1: think there's a perfect person out there for us, a soulmate, 182 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:18,200 Speaker 1: the one, and dating apps reinforce that belief. That's wonderful 183 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: when it happens, but it doesn't happen to everyone, and 184 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: it doesn't always stay so perfect. This book is different 185 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: because it's not about finding the perfect person or relationship 186 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 1: and leaving the rest to chance. I want to help 187 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: you intentionally build love instead of wishing, wanting, and waiting 188 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 1: for it to arrive fully formed. I want to help 189 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: you deal with the challenges and imperfections we encounter on 190 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: the journey to love. I want you to create a 191 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:53,559 Speaker 1: love that grows every day, expanding and evolving, rather than 192 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 1: achieved and complete. We can't know where and when we'll 193 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:01,240 Speaker 1: find love, but we can prepare for it and practice 194 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 1: what we've learned when we find it. The Vaders describe 195 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,440 Speaker 1: four stages of life, and these are the classrooms in 196 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 1: which we'll learn the rules of love so that we 197 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 1: can recognize and make the most of it when it 198 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: comes our way. Instead of presenting love as an ethereal concept, 199 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: they describe it as a series of steps, stages, and 200 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,840 Speaker 1: experiences that chart a clear path forward. After we learn 201 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,560 Speaker 1: the lessons of one level, we move to the next. 202 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,680 Speaker 1: If we struggle or move on from a stage before 203 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: we've completed it, we simply return to the lesson we need. 204 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 1: Life pushes us back in the direction of this work. 205 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: The four classrooms are Brahmacharya Ashram, Grahasta Ashram, Vanaprastashram, and 206 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 1: Sanya Sashram. If you look up ashram in a dictionary, 207 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:01,079 Speaker 1: you'll find that it means hermitage. The meanings of Sanskrit 208 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: words often get stripped down in their English definitions, but 209 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 1: in practice they have more depth. I define ushram as 210 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:14,200 Speaker 1: a school of learning, growth and support, a sanctuary for 211 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 1: self development, somewhat like the ushram in which I spent 212 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: my years as a monk. We are meant to be 213 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 1: learning at every stage of life. Think about life as 214 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 1: a series of classrooms or ushrams, in which we learn 215 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 1: various lessons. Each ashram brings us to a different level 216 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: of love. The first ushram preparing for love. In the 217 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 1: first Ushram Brahmachariah, we prepare for love. We don't get 218 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 1: in a car and start to drive without studying for 219 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 1: a learner's permit and practicing the core skills in a 220 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 1: safe space. When we take a new job, we might 221 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,840 Speaker 1: prepare by learning a new computer program, talking to people 222 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 1: we'll be working with about what might be expected of us, 223 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: or reviewing whatever skills we might need. And we prepare 224 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 1: for love by learning how to love ourselves in solitude alone. 225 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 1: We learn to understand ourselves, to heal our own pain, 226 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: and to care for ourselves. We acquire skills like compassion, empathy, 227 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 1: and patience. Rule one. This prepares us to share love 228 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: because we'll need these qualities when we love someone else. 229 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 1: We will also examine our past relationships to avoid making 230 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: the same mistakes in relationships going forward. Rule two. The 231 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: second Ushram practicing love. The second Ushram Grahasta is when 232 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: we extend our love to others while still loving ourselves. 233 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 1: The three chapters in this stage explain how to understand, appreciate, 234 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 1: and cooperate with another mind another set of values and preferences. 235 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: We tend to oversimplify love, thinking of it as just 236 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 1: chemistry and compatibility. Romance and attraction are indeed the initial 237 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: connection points, but I define the deepest love as when 238 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 1: you like someone's personality, respect their values, and help them 239 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 1: toward their goals in a long term, committed relationship. You 240 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 1: may feel this way about your friends, and I hope 241 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: you do, But I'm talking about maintaining these qualities when 242 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,040 Speaker 1: you live with someone, see them every single day, and 243 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: are at their side for their greatest joys, biggest disappointments, 244 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 1: and all the mundanity and intensity of daily life. Ingrahusta, 245 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,640 Speaker 1: we will examine how to know if you're in love 246 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: Rule three, how to learn and grow with your partner, 247 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: Rule four, and how to set priorities and manage personal 248 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:03,720 Speaker 1: time and space in your relationship Rule five. The Third 249 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:10,440 Speaker 1: Ushram protecting Love Varna Presta. The third Ushram is a 250 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 1: healing place where we retreat to seek peace. We find 251 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,680 Speaker 1: ourselves here either after a breakup, a loss, or when 252 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: family life has downshifted to require less of our attention. 253 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,720 Speaker 1: After learning to give love to others in Grahasta and 254 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 1: giving so much, this is an interlude where we reflect 255 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 1: on the experience of loving others, discover what might block 256 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: our ability to love, and work on forgiveness and healing. 257 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: In Varna Presta, we learn how to resolve conflict so 258 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: we can protect our love Rule six. We also protect 259 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,439 Speaker 1: ourselves and our ability to love by learning when to 260 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 1: break up and how to deal with it if we do. 261 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:05,480 Speaker 1: Rule seven. The fourth ashram perfecting love. The fourth ashram 262 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:09,760 Speaker 1: Senias is the epitome of love when we're extending our 263 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,640 Speaker 1: love to every person and every moment of our life. 264 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,439 Speaker 1: In this stage, our love becomes boundless. We realize we 265 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,680 Speaker 1: can experience love at any time with anyone. We learn 266 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:27,639 Speaker 1: how to love again and again rulate. We strive for 267 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:32,600 Speaker 1: this perfection, but we never achieve it. Many of us 268 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:36,880 Speaker 1: pass through these four ashrams without learning the lessons they present. 269 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 1: In the first ashram, we resist being alone and miss 270 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 1: out on the growth that solitude offers. In the second, 271 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:49,159 Speaker 1: we avoid lessons that come from the challenges that accompany 272 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,879 Speaker 1: any relationship. In the third, we don't take responsibility for 273 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: our healing. And the fourth, loving everyone is something we 274 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:01,960 Speaker 1: never even consider because we have no idea it's possible. 275 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 1: This book follows the order of these ushrams, which essentially 276 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:12,119 Speaker 1: follow the cycle of relationships, from preparing for love to 277 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: practicing love, to protecting love to perfecting love. Thinking about 278 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,480 Speaker 1: these four ushrams, I narrowed them down to the eight 279 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: rules we need to learn and qualities we need to develop, 280 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:29,439 Speaker 1: to move from one ushram to the next. Two rules 281 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 1: to prepare for love, three rules to practice love, two 282 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,240 Speaker 1: rules to protect love, and one rule to strive toward 283 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:44,040 Speaker 1: perfect love. Eight timeless universal rules. These rules are cumulative. 284 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,919 Speaker 1: They build on one another. I intend for you to 285 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 1: approach them in this order, but they're meant to serve 286 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,399 Speaker 1: us at any age and stage of a relationship. Some 287 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,480 Speaker 1: of them are counterintuitive. I talk about solitude as the 288 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,880 Speaker 1: beginning of love. I tell you that you must put 289 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:07,880 Speaker 1: your purpose before your partners. I explain that your partner 290 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: is your guru. These are new approaches to love that 291 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,000 Speaker 1: will guide you in how to improve your chances at 292 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,399 Speaker 1: finding love. What to look for on your first date, 293 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,800 Speaker 1: what to do if you have a type, how to 294 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:26,359 Speaker 1: present yourself, when to say I love you, when to 295 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:31,159 Speaker 1: make a commitment, how to handle conflict, how to manage 296 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 1: a household, and when to call it quits. Each of 297 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,600 Speaker 1: these rules helps you develop a mindset for love. Whether 298 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,400 Speaker 1: you're single, in a relationship, or breaking up. You can 299 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:47,880 Speaker 1: practice solitude in a relationship. You can reframe your approach 300 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: to conflict no matter what your situation. These rules coming 301 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:57,719 Speaker 1: to play in all life scenarios. This book isn't a 302 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,919 Speaker 1: collection of manipulative techniques. I won't give you pickup lines 303 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 1: to grab people's attention. I won't tell you how to 304 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 1: make yourself into the person they want you to be, 305 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:11,640 Speaker 1: or how to make them into who you want them 306 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 1: to be. This is about embracing your preferences and proclivities 307 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,920 Speaker 1: so you don't waste time on people who aren't good 308 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,760 Speaker 1: for you. It's about learning how to display your values, 309 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,159 Speaker 1: not how to advertise yourself. It's about letting go of 310 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 1: any anger, greed, ego, self doubt and confusion that clouds 311 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: your heart and interferes with your ability to love. Along 312 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 1: the way, I will give you techniques to help you 313 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: work through loneliness, let go of expectations, nurture intimacy, and 314 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,960 Speaker 1: heal from heartbreak. When I decided to ask Radi to 315 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,000 Speaker 1: marry me, I set out to arrange the best, most 316 00:21:56,119 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: romantic proposal of all time. I ask a friend about 317 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 1: engagement rings and bought her a classic diamond ring. Then, 318 00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:10,159 Speaker 1: on a beautiful spring evening in twenty fourteen, I suggested 319 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,360 Speaker 1: to her that we meet near London Bridge to take 320 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,920 Speaker 1: a walk down the bank of the Thames we were 321 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,360 Speaker 1: living in London at the time. I told her we 322 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:21,879 Speaker 1: were going to a nice place for dinner, knowing she 323 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: would dress appropriately for the night I had planned. Just 324 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: as we passed an idyllic spot with one of the 325 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,880 Speaker 1: best views in the city, a man suddenly appeared and 326 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,880 Speaker 1: gave her a huge bouquet. As she was marveling over 327 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,440 Speaker 1: the flowers, an a cappella group burst out of nowhere 328 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,120 Speaker 1: and joined the bouquet bearing man to sing the Bruno 329 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:48,240 Speaker 1: Mars song Marry You. I got down on one knee 330 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: and proposed to her. She cried. I cried too. After 331 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,760 Speaker 1: she said yes, A vegan meal was delivered and we 332 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: sat down to eat at the table I'd set up 333 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 1: on the bank of the Thames. She thought that was 334 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,879 Speaker 1: the end of the fanfare and we got up to 335 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,359 Speaker 1: head home. But as we rounded the corner there was 336 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,479 Speaker 1: a white horse drawn carriage. We climbed aboard and it 337 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,159 Speaker 1: carried us through the city, passing all the major sites. 338 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:22,040 Speaker 1: She was shouting out, I'm engaged, and passes by cheered 339 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,879 Speaker 1: for us. Finally, we went to share our good news 340 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: with her parents, but on the way there, red spots 341 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: appeared all over Ddy's face. By the time we arrived 342 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: at her parents, she was covered in hives, and their 343 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:44,320 Speaker 1: first words to us weren't congratulations, but what's wrong with 344 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:49,159 Speaker 1: your face? That was the day we discovered she's allergic 345 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:54,600 Speaker 1: to horses. I thought I had choreographed the perfect proposal, 346 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:58,160 Speaker 1: but as time passed, it occurred to me that all 347 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: my ideas had come from Disney movies and viral proposal videos. 348 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:08,159 Speaker 1: Does Radie actually enjoy a cappella music, sure, but she 349 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 1: isn't integrand gestures. Does she have an attachment to the 350 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:17,040 Speaker 1: Thames or riding through London? Not really? Clearly, Being near 351 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 1: horses and covered in hives isn't her dream date, And 352 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 1: it turns out diamonds aren't her gemstone of choice. What 353 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: does Radie really care about? She loves food, and while 354 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 1: I'd arranged for a vegan restaurant to deliver food to 355 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,600 Speaker 1: us at the river, it arrived cold and bland. The 356 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,320 Speaker 1: one detail she would have appreciated the most was the 357 00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:45,200 Speaker 1: one I planned the least, and its execution was the worst. Also, 358 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,800 Speaker 1: Radi adores her family, and if I'd been considering that, 359 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,800 Speaker 1: I might have planned for them to jump out of 360 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,480 Speaker 1: the bushes to surprise us instead of the singers. She 361 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,560 Speaker 1: would have loved that we had fun and I lucked out. 362 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,840 Speaker 1: Radie said yes and never complained about any of it. 363 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:09,320 Speaker 1: But my proposal wasn't particularly personal. Throughout my life, I'd 364 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: seen love presented through over the top romantic gestures, and 365 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 1: I thought that was the only way to show how 366 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,239 Speaker 1: I felt. The hives were a gentle hint that I 367 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: didn't know what I was doing, that I should think 368 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,480 Speaker 1: about the person standing in front of me instead of 369 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:34,000 Speaker 1: the images of fairytale love that constantly bombard us. For 370 00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:37,480 Speaker 1: my whole life, I'd been surrounded by stories that told 371 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 1: me how love should play out. We all are, and 372 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,439 Speaker 1: most of us unconsciously gravitate in love and all things 373 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:49,719 Speaker 1: to a conventional path. In heterosexual relationships, men still do 374 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,960 Speaker 1: most of the proposing on the wedding site the knot 375 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 1: Ninety seven percent of proposal stories are of grooms to 376 00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:02,000 Speaker 1: be popping the question. Eight percent of brides receive a 377 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:06,919 Speaker 1: diamond engagement ring. According to a survey in Bride's magazine, 378 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:11,160 Speaker 1: More than eighty percent of brides were white, and seventy 379 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,119 Speaker 1: six percent of women take their husband's last name. The 380 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:18,720 Speaker 1: nuclear family is still the most common family structure in 381 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,439 Speaker 1: the US, with only one in five Americans living in 382 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,760 Speaker 1: a household with two or more adult generations under one roof, 383 00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: roughly the same percentage as in nineteen fifty. Seventy two 384 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,440 Speaker 1: percent of Americans live in or near the city where 385 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 1: they grew up, and even though the number of people 386 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,399 Speaker 1: who say they'd like a non exclusive partnership has risen, 387 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,879 Speaker 1: only about four to five percent of Americans are actually 388 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:52,520 Speaker 1: in a consensual, non monogamous relationship. The storybook version of 389 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,960 Speaker 1: love I displayed for RADI wasn't the love that would 390 00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:02,120 Speaker 1: sustain our relationship. Fairy tales, films, and myths don't tell 391 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:06,719 Speaker 1: us how to practice love every day. That requires learning 392 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,760 Speaker 1: what love means for the two of us as individuals, 393 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 1: and un learning what we thought it meant. That's why 394 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:19,560 Speaker 1: I'm sharing my imperfect story. I don't know everything, and 395 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,960 Speaker 1: I don't have everything figured out. Radie has taught me 396 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,160 Speaker 1: so much about love, and I continue to learn with her. 397 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,560 Speaker 1: I'm sharing all this book's advice with you, knowing how 398 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,640 Speaker 1: much I could have used it myself and will use 399 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,399 Speaker 1: it in the future. Love is not about staging the 400 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:42,960 Speaker 1: perfect proposal or creating a perfect relationship. It's about learning 401 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:48,879 Speaker 1: to navigate the imperfections that are intrinsic to ourselves, our partners, 402 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 1: and life itself. I hope this book helps you do 403 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:58,239 Speaker 1: just that. Thank you so much for listening to my 404 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,800 Speaker 1: introduction to my new book, Eight Rules of Love. I 405 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,360 Speaker 1: really hope you enjoyed it, and if you did, make 406 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,760 Speaker 1: sure you go and order and buy my new book 407 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,320 Speaker 1: on audiobook or physical copy whatever's good for you from 408 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:14,280 Speaker 1: eight Rules of Love dot com. Thank you so much.