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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here

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Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. If you can't already hear it, surprise, surprise,

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Speaker 1: I am once again ill. I have a pretty nasty

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Speaker 1: like cold slash chest infection, So I really apologize for

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Speaker 1: my voice being very, very nasally. I just got back

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Speaker 1: from a lot of travel, like three weeks in the

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Speaker 1: United States and then traveling for a family birthday. It's

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Speaker 1: obviously taken a little bit of a toll, but I'm

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Speaker 1: on the up and up. I'm feeling better. I just

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Speaker 1: want to say sorry, slash acknowledge that my voice is

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Speaker 1: going to sound perhaps a little bit nasally in this episode.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully by next Tuesday. I'm fully mended, and you guys

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Speaker 1: don't have to bear with the sick voice for any

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Speaker 1: much longer. But I really didn't want to skip this episode.

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to skip this Friday's topic because we're

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Speaker 1: talking about something I think is very near and dear

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Speaker 1: to a lot of twenty something year olds navigating our

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Speaker 1: careers in our twenties is tough. There are a lot

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Speaker 1: of dead ends, a lot of moments where we feel incapable,

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Speaker 1: We feel like we're falling behind. We can't get the

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Speaker 1: promotion we want, let alone the job. And the thing

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Speaker 1: that always makes it worse is seeing someone who is

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Speaker 1: seemingly not struggling at all. They have the dream job,

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Speaker 1: they have the career progression, the success, the accolades. Maybe

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Speaker 1: it's not even someone that you know. It could be

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Speaker 1: a celebrity, an influencer, someone you follow online. Regardless, we

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Speaker 1: can't help but look at all that they have and

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Speaker 1: feel not just envious, but pretty terrible about ourselves. It

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Speaker 1: also probably elicits some thoughts like why not me, Like

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Speaker 1: this is so unfair, they don't even deserve it, And

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Speaker 1: with those thoughts comes a lot of shame, because we

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Speaker 1: have been taught from an early age that jealousy is

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Speaker 1: a so called ugly emotion and we should just be

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Speaker 1: happy for others rather than bitter. I think anyone who

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Speaker 1: has experienced career jealousy or jealousy of any form knows

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Speaker 1: that that is not always a choice, and that is

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Speaker 1: a very very lovely sentiment. To be happy for everyone

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Speaker 1: at all times. But jealousy is just a part of life.

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Speaker 1: It's hard, and it's sometimes miserable, but it's also not

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Speaker 1: an emotion that we are going to let define us.

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Speaker 1: We want to form a healthier relationship with it, especially

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Speaker 1: in our twenties and especially when it comes to our

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Speaker 1: professional lives. So today we are talking career jealousy in

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Speaker 1: our twenties, why it happens, what it feels like, and

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Speaker 1: most importantly, how to ensure it doesn't weigh you down.

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Speaker 1: Because we have so much more to worry about in

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Speaker 1: this life. What other people may or may not be doing,

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Speaker 1: or may or may not have should not be added

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Speaker 1: to that list. I really want to take us through,

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Speaker 1: of course, the psychology of this experience, and I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about my own personal struggle with this, because

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be super vulnerable. This is something that,

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Speaker 1: especially when I was in my early twenties, I think

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Speaker 1: ended up hurting a lot of my relationships that I

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Speaker 1: was quite jealous and I felt quite insecure about where

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Speaker 1: I was heading. From those experiences, I hope and I

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Speaker 1: do believe I've learned a lot, So hopefully you can

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Speaker 1: learn from my mistakes and maybe take something from my wisdom,

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Speaker 1: but I also want to talk about how this shows

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Speaker 1: up between siblings, between even our bestest of friends, the

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Speaker 1: role of self esteem, culture, even social media influences. There

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Speaker 1: is a lot packed into this episode today. Hopefully it

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Speaker 1: is an entire guide book. If you are struggling this

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Speaker 1: in your life right now, Hope you know you're not alone.

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Speaker 1: Hope you leave this episode not feeling too terrible about yourself,

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Speaker 1: but also knowing how to manage this very complicated feeling.

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Speaker 1: Without further ado, let us get into the psychology of

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Speaker 1: career jealousy. So what is professional or career jealousy. Let's

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Speaker 1: start with a nice, good old fashioned explanation. It's pretty simple.

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Speaker 1: Career jealousy describes feeling envious, almost exclusively towards someone's professional

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Speaker 1: life compared to your own, and seeing something in their

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Speaker 1: life or professional success that you want or maybe even

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Speaker 1: feel that you deserve. Let's be super super clear here,

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Speaker 1: it is so much more common than you think. Jealousy

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Speaker 1: in general is a very universal human emotion. Of course,

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Speaker 1: about seven twenty percent of people pulled in a recent

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Speaker 1: piece of research reported that they experienced jealousy at least

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Speaker 1: once last year. And career jealousy is in fact one

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Speaker 1: of the top ways that we experience this feeling, after

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Speaker 1: firstly material jealousy and interpersonal jealousy, so feeling jealous of

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Speaker 1: the relationships that someone has with someone else. Current estimates

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Speaker 1: say that around twenty seven percent of people experience career

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Speaker 1: jealousy in their lifetime, with that typically spiking at two

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Speaker 1: different points in time. The first one, of course, is

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Speaker 1: our twenties, and the second one is actually in our fifties.

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Speaker 1: Of course, unsurprisingly, it is exceedingly common in our twenties,

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Speaker 1: as I just said, and I would even say more

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Speaker 1: so now in this generation compared to those who have

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Speaker 1: come before. It's common in our twenties, I think because

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Speaker 1: insecurity around just about everything is common in our twenties.

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Speaker 1: It is such a general experience that we are all

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Speaker 1: going to have to feel as if we have absolutely

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Speaker 1: no clue what we're doing in almost all areas of

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Speaker 1: our life, and so when we see someone who apparently

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Speaker 1: does know what they're doing, it can be shocking and

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Speaker 1: immediately elicit a sense of panic, like, wait, hold up

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Speaker 1: a second, it must is it just me who's falling behind?

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Speaker 1: Is there something I'm doing? Wrong. Is there something that

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Speaker 1: no one is telling me that these people have somehow

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Speaker 1: figured out? Now? If those thoughts aren't deliberately shut down

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Speaker 1: pretty quickly, this can become a chronic thought pattern for us,

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Speaker 1: and that obviously it takes a massive toll in our

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Speaker 1: self esteem. It can also have us looking around for

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Speaker 1: more evidence that we are indeed failures. So we start

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Speaker 1: selectively searching or seeking out further examples of what we

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Speaker 1: have now already tend to believe about ourself, that we're behind,

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Speaker 1: that we don't know what we're doing, that we are

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Speaker 1: the only ones. It's a very nasty trick that our

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Speaker 1: mind plays on us. You probably know it by the

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Speaker 1: term confirmation bias, the tendency to search for, interpret, favor,

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Speaker 1: and recall information in a way that confirms our prior

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Speaker 1: beliefs or values, including the mean beliefs that we have

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Speaker 1: about ourselves that are just in no way helpful. Thinking

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Speaker 1: of yourself as a failure is in no way helpful.

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Speaker 1: But for anyone who has struggled with that, they know

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Speaker 1: that that is not always the easiest thought pattern to break.

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Speaker 1: If it has become ingrained by repeated instances of you

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Speaker 1: thinking that that is the case. That kind of also

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Speaker 1: means that you stop seeing or acknowledging the people who

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Speaker 1: are struggling, the people who are unsure of what they

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Speaker 1: want in their careers, who are unemployed, and you only

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Speaker 1: unconsciously pay attention to the people who have it all together.

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Speaker 1: So you end up having this very selectively skewed vision

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Speaker 1: of people in their twenties and what professional success looks

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Speaker 1: like for them. In general. This can also cause a

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Speaker 1: lot of anger and resentment, because when you feel terrible

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Speaker 1: about your circumstances, there are kind of only two alternative

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Speaker 1: roots for your brain to take. You can either feel

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Speaker 1: bad about yourself and believe that your circumstances reflect your

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Speaker 1: character and your worth. That's option one. Or you can

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Speaker 1: feel angry at the world, and you can feel angry

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Speaker 1: at other people and say, well, you obviously don't deserve this.

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Speaker 1: This is unfair. Like I said, it's very very nasty,

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Speaker 1: and it's often subconscious or unconscious. Now, career jealousy is

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Speaker 1: not a one dimensional thing. It's not just one big

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Speaker 1: bucket of fear, insecurity, and frustration. I've come to realize

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Speaker 1: that I think there are actually three forms of career jealousy. First,

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Speaker 1: I think we can be jealous towards someone just for

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Speaker 1: having a job. You know, like I said before, it's

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Speaker 1: bloody tough out there. It is tough sometimes if you're

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Speaker 1: in the trenches and one of your friends suddenly gets

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Speaker 1: a great job whilst you've been working really hard and

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Speaker 1: looking for way longer, it's very difficult not to resent

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Speaker 1: them and resent your circumstances. Secondly, we can feel professional

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Speaker 1: jealousy over someone else's sense of purpose. So it's not

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Speaker 1: just that they have a job or they have a career,

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Speaker 1: but they have something that they really care about, and

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Speaker 1: who amongst us doesn't want that Having a purpose when

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Speaker 1: it comes to our profession, I think turns a job

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Speaker 1: into a career. Like a job is something that you

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Speaker 1: can just do because it makes money, a career and

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Speaker 1: even bigger than that, a mission is something that you

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Speaker 1: are personally invested in and there's like a fire in

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Speaker 1: your belly. From repeated psychology studies in this area that

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Speaker 1: this sense of purpose is linked to increased life satisfaction

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Speaker 1: and sometimes even life expectancy. So when you're in your

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Speaker 1: twenties and it seems like everyone is slowly figuring out

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Speaker 1: what they want to do, and you haven't figured it

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Speaker 1: out yet, you can feel really really envious. I will say,

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Speaker 1: I think the older we get, the more we realize

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Speaker 1: that our profession or our career is not our primary

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Speaker 1: sense of purpose in life. It's not the sole thing

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Speaker 1: that can imbue your life with a sense of meaning.

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Speaker 1: So I know, those statistics I just gave all like

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Speaker 1: those findings seem kind of scary, like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: are you telling me if I don't find my purpose,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to die sooner? No, No, absolutely not. You

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Speaker 1: have a lot of time to find your purpose. It's

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Speaker 1: more that I think people struggle with thinking it's only

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Speaker 1: going to come from a job. The people who are

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Speaker 1: truly happy realize that it comes from more than just that.

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Speaker 1: But sometimes career can fulfill that need early on in

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Speaker 1: our lives before we've learned that lesson. Okay, Finally, the

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Speaker 1: final kind of bucket of envy is envy towards someone's progress,

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Speaker 1: success and the material things that they have been rewarded with.

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Speaker 1: You know, the friend or the person online who you

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Speaker 1: see and they are going on these amazing trips and

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Speaker 1: they are suddenly buying nice clothes, nice dinners, winning awards,

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Speaker 1: they've been promoted like three times before twenty five, they've

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Speaker 1: bought a house from their job. These situations of material success,

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Speaker 1: objective material wealth can serve as a very stark and

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Speaker 1: a very tangible reminder of what we don't have. Maybe

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this, of what we don't have yet.

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Speaker 1: That's the other cruel part of career jealousy. All we

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Speaker 1: can ever focus on is what we don't have right now,

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Speaker 1: not what we've had in the past, not what we

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Speaker 1: may have in the future, and we don't focus on

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Speaker 1: what we actually don't want. You know, you might see

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Speaker 1: someone who you're like immediately envious of. They're famous, they're successful.

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Speaker 1: Immediately you're like, well, maybe I should be doing that.

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Speaker 1: What you don't think is, you know, I probably don't

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Speaker 1: actually want to be famous. I probably don't want to

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Speaker 1: work one hundred hours a week. I probably don't want

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Speaker 1: to live out of my suitcase. But it's this want

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Speaker 1: what I can't have mindset and cherry picking all this

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Speaker 1: situations and the selective parts of someone's story that make

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Speaker 1: us feel miserable. Why does this happen? Because I think

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Speaker 1: we can all agree that given how awful career jealousy

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Speaker 1: feels it's not something that we are voluntarily opting into.

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Speaker 1: Career jealousy, I think is on the rise for a

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Speaker 1: couple of reasons. Firstly, I think the reason that we're

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Speaker 1: experiencing it more is that we have just more opportunities

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Speaker 1: to compare this day and age. Every single thing is

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Speaker 1: public and online. There's a really fascinating research paper I

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Speaker 1: found when I was researching this episode which explored envy

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Speaker 1: towards social media influences in South Korea, and it found

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Speaker 1: that our level of personal jealousy increases alongside our usage

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Speaker 1: of social media. Now that might seem pretty obvious, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: the more you are exposed to these perfect ideas of

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Speaker 1: success that are very very present in this generation, the

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Speaker 1: more we feel lacking. There is also, you know, literally

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Speaker 1: a social media for our jobs, LinkedIn. I remember writing

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Speaker 1: an article when I was back in university and it

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Speaker 1: was titled like in hell they make you use LinkedIn,

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Speaker 1: where I talked about how it's basically just another way

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Speaker 1: to feel constantly behind. It's another example of appearances, and

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Speaker 1: I think my opinion on it still stands when all

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Speaker 1: you see of people's careers is the glossy outside, not

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Speaker 1: the grueling inside. It's very easy to feel like you're

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Speaker 1: missing out. The other reason that we might feel jealous

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Speaker 1: is that career does just make up such a big

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Speaker 1: part of our identity. It is, in fact one of

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Speaker 1: what we call the big buckets of identity. So if

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Speaker 1: you think about who you are, there are all these

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Speaker 1: different areas where you can pour energy into that make

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Speaker 1: you feel accomplished as a person and build upon your identity.

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Speaker 1: So your relationships, your values, your family, your history, your career.

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Speaker 1: Career is a big bucket. When something is that prominent

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Speaker 1: in our lives, when you could be spending a third

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Speaker 1: of your waking life in your job or working towards

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Speaker 1: your career, of course your brain is going to want

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Speaker 1: to make sure you're doing okay relative to others. Comparison

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Speaker 1: in this way acts as a form of validation that

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Speaker 1: we are doing okay. Our brain naturally goes to that place.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't always realize that we're going to come up

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Speaker 1: short in our own minds, so comparison is obviously a

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Speaker 1: huge reason we experience career jealousy. There are two ways

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Speaker 1: that we compare ourselves to others, upwards and downward. Social comparison.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you've heard about this on an episode before

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Speaker 1: upward social comparison. You're going to look at someone who

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Speaker 1: is perhaps doing better than you and think, oh my gosh, wow,

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Speaker 1: they're really amazing. I want that. Why don't I have that?

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Speaker 1: You're looking upwards. You're comparing beyond what you are currently

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Speaker 1: capable of. That can either relictit feelings of inspiration and

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Speaker 1: motivation or despair. Then we have downward social comparison. Now,

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Speaker 1: downward social comparison balances out upward social comparison by allowing

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Speaker 1: you to look and observe people who you think aren't

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Speaker 1: doing as well as you and experience a self esteem boost. Basically,

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Speaker 1: you're saying, and it sounds really terrible, but this is

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Speaker 1: genuinely what's going on in your mind. Well, at least

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Speaker 1: you know I don't have it as bad as them.

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Speaker 1: So which direction of comparison you will gravitate to in

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Speaker 1: this situation often depends on your personality and your current

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Speaker 1: emotional state and factors like resilience and self esteem. So

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Speaker 1: for those of us with a high need for achievement

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Speaker 1: and high levels of confidence, we typically gravitate towards upwards

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Speaker 1: social comparison, specifically the kind that brings about admiration rather

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Speaker 1: than feelings of insecurity. If you are someone who believes

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Speaker 1: in yourself, who really wants to succeed, who believes they

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Speaker 1: can succeed, you are not going to be threatened by

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Speaker 1: someone doing better than you. You're going to use it

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Speaker 1: as an asset. Now, if you are lacking self confidence,

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Speaker 1: you feel less self assured, maybe you've seen your self

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Speaker 1: esteem plummet recently, you are more likely to engage in

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Speaker 1: downward social comparison as a deliberate form of comparison, but

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Speaker 1: upward social comparison as a less deliberate for I'm going

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Speaker 1: to explain that lots of words in that sentence. Essentially, intuitively,

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Speaker 1: your brain is going to want you to compare to

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Speaker 1: people who are doing so called worse than you because

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Speaker 1: it makes you feel better. But actually what ends up

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Speaker 1: happening is when you get into that comparison mindset, you

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Speaker 1: can't help but kind of slowly move over into comparing

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Speaker 1: yourself to people who are doing better than you. It's

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Speaker 1: going to make you feel pretty terrible. Now, this might

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Speaker 1: be an uncomfortable but pretty obvious truth. Your career, jealousy

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Speaker 1: and comparison is probably also related to your current levels

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Speaker 1: of insecurity, more specifically a greater fear of inadequacy that

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Speaker 1: you might have, and this fear is a lot more

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Speaker 1: common in individualistic societies. So individualistic societies are those in

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Speaker 1: which we value personal wealth, that material success, things that

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Speaker 1: make one person look very, very good. This is in

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Speaker 1: comparison to collectivist societies or collectivist cultures, whereby the success

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Speaker 1: of one person is everyone's win, so we are more

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Speaker 1: likely to put effort into seeing the community succeed, into

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Speaker 1: making sure every member of our family is succeeding, rather

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Speaker 1: than just being focused on our own success. If you

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Speaker 1: were raised in an individualistic society, so you know, if

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Speaker 1: you're raised in the US, if you were raised in

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Speaker 1: a lot of parts of Europe, if you were raised

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Speaker 1: in Australia, in Canada, a lot of the times your

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Speaker 1: main focus and what you have been taught to focus

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Speaker 1: on is how well you are doing in comparison to others,

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Speaker 1: not how well the group is doing. And so it

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Speaker 1: does create this obsession with personal success, meaning that other

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Speaker 1: individuals in your community, in your kind of social stratosphere,

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Speaker 1: their success doesn't make you ever, it's never going to

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Speaker 1: make you feel good the way that it wouldn't a

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Speaker 1: collectivist culture. It's only going to make you feel terrible.

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Speaker 1: So again, if you're sitting there feeling career jealousy, thinking,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

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Speaker 1: I feel so bad about it. I just want to

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Speaker 1: be happy for my friend, for my sister, for my relative,

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Speaker 1: for that person, my colleague. Often it's not your fault,

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Speaker 1: it's how your brain has been trained. The other really

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Speaker 1: insidious part of comparison that we haven't mentioned is comparison,

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Speaker 1: specifically negative upward social comparison often continues even when you

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Speaker 1: do find success. So there are a lot of examples

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Speaker 1: of what we call the achievement treadmill, where people who

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Speaker 1: have seemingly done it all, they are happy, successful, fulfilled,

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Speaker 1: they're at the top of their game, they still feel

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Speaker 1: like they could be doing better. They still feel like

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Speaker 1: there is more to achieve, and so you are never

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Speaker 1: happy with where you are. This is why we really

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Speaker 1: really need to tackle this comparison cyclical comparison sickness almost

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Speaker 1: early on in our lives, early on in our twenties,

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Speaker 1: perhaps before you've found success, because otherwise, if you get

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Speaker 1: into this mindset of I can always be doing better,

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Speaker 1: I can always have more. That is also the mindset

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Speaker 1: that is going to make you deeply, deeply unhappy. I

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Speaker 1: want to talk about one final reason here as to

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Speaker 1: why career jealousy is probably on the rise. We've talked

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Speaker 1: about social media, we talked about how there's more room

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Speaker 1: for comparison. Let's now just talk about the very nature

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Speaker 1: of our professional environments right now or the job market.

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Speaker 1: Simply put, the job market right now is so difficult.

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Speaker 1: I know a lot of you have been experiencing this personally.

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Speaker 1: You've been dming me saying, I just what am I

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Speaker 1: doing wrong? Maybe like you've been looking for a job

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Speaker 1: for months, nothing is coming your way. Eventually, when we're

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Speaker 1: in that situation, we're going to start to think that

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Speaker 1: something is wrong with us. But objectively, I want to

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Speaker 1: tell you right now, job vacancies are declining, There is

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Speaker 1: increased competition for a smaller number of positions. People are

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Speaker 1: taking longer to hire people, and they are hiring less. Overall,

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Speaker 1: AI has significantly shifted what kind of roles people are hiring.

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Speaker 1: For all of this, to say, a big contributor to

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Speaker 1: our psychological state is always going to be the environment

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Speaker 1: in which we are in, and the environment in which

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Speaker 1: we are in right now is not particularly conducive to

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Speaker 1: feeling optimistic or happy about where you're at in your career. Now,

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Speaker 1: if we're in this situation where a lot of us

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Speaker 1: are struggling, and then suddenly there is this person who

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Speaker 1: is not who will got the jackpot, who has figured

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Speaker 1: it all out, of course we're going to feel envious.

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Speaker 1: It's this primal instinct of ours kicking in saying how

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Speaker 1: can we have that. It's very much born from the

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Speaker 1: days when we could fight and steal for the better territory,

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Speaker 1: we could fight and steal for the better piece of meat,

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Speaker 1: for the position closest to the fire. Nowadays, we've been

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Speaker 1: socialized to realize that, you know, you probably can't go

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Speaker 1: up and wrestle with someone for their job at a

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Speaker 1: big four firm. But those old parts of our brain

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Speaker 1: that see something we want and immediately are trying to

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Speaker 1: figure out either a how we can get it or

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Speaker 1: b why we want it so much. It's still very

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Speaker 1: much alife. So let's discuss some of the further unspoken

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Speaker 1: consequences of this, but also what is the path for

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Speaker 1: getting out of this professional jealousy rut and just being

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Speaker 1: happy or at least proud of where we are now.

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Speaker 1: All of that and so much more after this shortbreak.

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Speaker 1: So we're talking about career jealous see, and yes, it

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Speaker 1: can feel like frustration. It can feel very shameful and ugly.

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Speaker 1: It can feel like secretly wanting someone to fail, which

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Speaker 1: we never want to feel like makes us feel like

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Speaker 1: a terrible human. Here's what else can happen. I think

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Speaker 1: the two most common manifestations of envy are disparagement and distancing,

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Speaker 1: specifically in relation to our social relationships. You begin to

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Speaker 1: resent your friends, you resent your colleagues even and you

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Speaker 1: act out in a bitter and annoyed way. Comparing to

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Speaker 1: strangers is one thing, and I think the consequences of

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Speaker 1: that are very isolated. They're very much individual for us.

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Speaker 1: But comparing to peers, let alone close friends, is when

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Speaker 1: we really start seeing interpersonal consequences. So I'm talking drama, tension, fighting,

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Speaker 1: distancing between us and our friends. Honestly, though, you are

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Speaker 1: more likely to feel jealous of a friend than a stranger.

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Speaker 1: It's why it is so common. So there was a

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Speaker 1: two thousand and five Dean study that found yes, we

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Speaker 1: are more likely to feel envy when the person we

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Speaker 1: are comparing ourself to is a similar age, the same gender,

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Speaker 1: has similar values or even physical similarities to us, because

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Speaker 1: it just gives more of a stark contrast to what

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Speaker 1: we don't have. This person is a similar age, this

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Speaker 1: person is our friend, this person maybe went to the

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Speaker 1: same university. So much about our situations are similar. So

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Speaker 1: what is it that we don't have in common that

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Speaker 1: is setting our experiences apart? When someone is like us

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Speaker 1: in many ways, it can further highlight what we are

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Speaker 1: lacking and make us feel really terrible. I received this

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Speaker 1: message from someone actually that I think describes this very

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Speaker 1: very well. She said, something I've been struggling with is

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Speaker 1: my best friend and roommate recently landed her dream job,

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Speaker 1: and it's all she talks about rightfully, so, but I'm

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Speaker 1: struggling so much with my hatred of my current job.

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Speaker 1: How can I be more enthusias I honestly, I could

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Speaker 1: have written this myself because I was once in your shoes.

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00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:10,040
Speaker 1: I literally it was my best friend and my roommate

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00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 1: got their dream job in the firm that I wanted

401
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,720
Speaker 1: a job in, and I didn't get any bites. Basically,

402
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,600
Speaker 1: I was unemployed for the summer, and I'm gonna admit it,

403
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,280
Speaker 1: I did entirely the wrong thing. Because I was so insecure,

404
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,800
Speaker 1: I didn't want to talk to her about it. I

405
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:30,880
Speaker 1: shut her out. I distanced myself because her happiness. Honestly,

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00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,680
Speaker 1: it made me feel bad about myself, not because I

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Speaker 1: didn't want her to be happy, but because I wish

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Speaker 1: that I could be happy with her, And the only

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Speaker 1: way I saw that happening was if we were having

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Speaker 1: the same experience. My biggest piece of advice in that

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Speaker 1: situation and what I wish I had done. I wish

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Speaker 1: I had just told her. I wish I had just said, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm I am really trying to be happy for you,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sure that if I was in your if

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Speaker 1: our roles were reversed, you would be so much better

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Speaker 1: at this than I am. But just given how horrible

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00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,360
Speaker 1: I feel right now, I just can't be there with you.

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00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 1: I just can't match this level of enthusiasm. So I

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00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 1: really think we should just have some time to talk

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Speaker 1: about other things before we talk about work. Can we

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00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:20,480
Speaker 1: please talk about something that we have in common? Can

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00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,880
Speaker 1: we talk about something can we have more shared experiences

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Speaker 1: so we can go off and talk about those things together.

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Speaker 1: My other piece of advice is to be curious, to

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00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:34,520
Speaker 1: be open, to want to learn, rather than judge yourself

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Speaker 1: for what you don't have, and just addressing it before

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00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,760
Speaker 1: you spiral is essential. You know, I always promote repair

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Speaker 1: and honesty in these situations. It does feel more difficult,

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Speaker 1: but it is one hundred percent the path that you

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Speaker 1: never regret, because you will regret looking back in five

431
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 1: years time and saying, Wow, that is my best friend.

432
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,160
Speaker 1: That was my best friend. I really cared about her.

433
00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,280
Speaker 1: How come we don't speak anymore? Oh? Oh, it's because

434
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,840
Speaker 1: I just didn't speak up and say something. Please please

435
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,440
Speaker 1: take it from me. Another unspoken consequence of career jealousy

436
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,119
Speaker 1: is that you end up losing motivation and you become

437
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: quite discouraged. Jealousy is this weird thing where because we

438
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,760
Speaker 1: are only focusing on other people, we actually lose focus

439
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,360
Speaker 1: on our own performance and we start to neglect our

440
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 1: own efforts to be better. Specifically, we start to focus

441
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:32,680
Speaker 1: on external factors for our lack of success in someone

442
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,639
Speaker 1: else's success. Typically, that comes down to things like fairness,

443
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:40,800
Speaker 1: things like luck, things that we can't control. So essentially,

444
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:43,159
Speaker 1: what happens when we focus too much on what we

445
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,000
Speaker 1: don't have in comparison to someone else is that we

446
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 1: start shifting from an internal to an external locus of control.

447
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 1: So this is a psychology term. Essentially, it refers to

448
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 1: how we view our problems and our ability to change

449
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 1: an outcome or to change a situation. So an internal

450
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 1: locus of control, you believe that you are the master

451
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:07,679
Speaker 1: of your own destiny, you are the guiter of your fate.

452
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 1: There are actions that you can take to change what

453
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,120
Speaker 1: your life looks like, and you feel willing to take them.

454
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 1: An external locus of control is where you look at

455
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 1: your circumstances and you put it all down to factors

456
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,600
Speaker 1: that you can't do anything about. So factors like luck,

457
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,440
Speaker 1: factors like fate, factors like I don't know status, money,

458
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: where you were raised, you know who you were born

459
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 1: as those factors do play a role, and I'm not

460
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,919
Speaker 1: going to deny it. But when we only focus on those,

461
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,640
Speaker 1: those are things we can't change, and so our circumstances

462
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,040
Speaker 1: is something that we can't change. I need you to

463
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,520
Speaker 1: please stop focusing on the unfairness or the role of

464
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:49,920
Speaker 1: luck and start focusing on action. What can you do

465
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,760
Speaker 1: in this situation? I will say, you are allowed to

466
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:54,800
Speaker 1: feel kind of bad every now and again. You are

467
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:59,240
Speaker 1: allowed to feel frustrated. Don't suppress those emotions entirely, but

468
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 1: treat it as an indulgence. Treat it as a treat

469
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,480
Speaker 1: rather than the whole meal. And when you realize that

470
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:07,960
Speaker 1: you have been stuck in a pity spiral for too long,

471
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: I need you to turn around and say, Okay, we

472
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 1: need to do more in the opposite direction. We need

473
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: to do more towards our goal rather than towards despair. Okay,

474
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: let's talk about how to handle and manage career jealousy.

475
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 1: I had this weird epiphany at the gym the other day.

476
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 1: I was running on the treadmill. And at my gym,

477
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 1: treadmills are set up so it's like two rows. So

478
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,479
Speaker 1: when you're on a treadmill, there is someone directly in

479
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 1: front of you, or there is a treadmill directly in

480
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 1: front of you, and there is someone probably running on

481
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 1: that treadmill during the busy times. And I was going

482
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 1: not very fast. I was obviously I'm recovering still in

483
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 1: an illness, and I was watching this girl in front

484
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 1: of me, and oh my lord, she was quick. She

485
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 1: was doing eleven kilometers an hour at like a five

486
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 1: percent incline or like a five point zero incline. And

487
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 1: I was watching her, and I was watching like the

488
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 1: kilometers tick up and whatever. And I was like, oh

489
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 1: my god, I need to catch her. I need to

490
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,040
Speaker 1: catch her. And I was like, wait, I'm wan an

491
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,760
Speaker 1: entirely different treadmill. What am I gonna go do? Run

492
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 1: on her treadmill with her? Like I can match her pace,

493
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,760
Speaker 1: I can do everything that she is doing. We are

494
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:22,440
Speaker 1: still running our own race. When you compare your career

495
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:26,000
Speaker 1: to someone else's career, you are comparing two people running

496
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 1: on two different treadmills. There is no way that you

497
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 1: can catch up with them, but you do need to

498
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:36,000
Speaker 1: focus on your own race. I don't know. I was

499
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,360
Speaker 1: just in that situation and I was like, wow, this

500
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:41,480
Speaker 1: has just made me rethink every time I've tried to

501
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,840
Speaker 1: feel like I need to beat or best someone for

502
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:48,880
Speaker 1: whatever weird reason, my brain is cooked up. I also

503
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,240
Speaker 1: want to remind you, and this is specifically advised for

504
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 1: those of us in our twenties, which I'm assuming is

505
00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 1: a lot of you. You are comparing the very beginning

506
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:01,480
Speaker 1: of your race. You know, there are so many years

507
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:06,720
Speaker 1: to come, so many peaks and plateaus that everyone's career

508
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 1: will naturally go through. No one's career is always going

509
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,400
Speaker 1: to be on the up and up. There will be

510
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 1: times where they're not motivated, where you get made redundant,

511
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:23,320
Speaker 1: where the culture and the environment shifts. But what we're

512
00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,520
Speaker 1: doing is we're looking at what possibly only the first

513
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 1: ten years maximum of our career and thinking this defines

514
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 1: the entire race, This defines all of my circumstances from

515
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 1: here until I retire. That is totally not true. How

516
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 1: someone's beginning looks is not always indicative of how their

517
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:49,480
Speaker 1: middle or their end will end up. Just think about

518
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 1: Olympic races or sports games. Even then, like our career

519
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: is a lot longer than a two hundred meter sprint,

520
00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 1: it's a lot longer than a two hour ballgame. It's

521
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,400
Speaker 1: for a lot of us, the majority of our lives.

522
00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 1: So there are going to be peaks and troughs. What

523
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 1: you're comparing right now is just the beginning. With all

524
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 1: that being said, I do think it's almost impossible to

525
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 1: will yourself out of feeling envy because it is quite

526
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,880
Speaker 1: a spontaneous emotion, right, so it's not an emotion that

527
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:24,560
Speaker 1: we can call on and then get rid of at

528
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: our will. It often comes when our guard is down.

529
00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:31,760
Speaker 1: But I think to keep chronic and acute envy at bay,

530
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:35,600
Speaker 1: you have to accept the discomfort, but refuse to give

531
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:39,440
Speaker 1: in to the shame that often follows. I think to

532
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 1: keep comparison, specifically professional comparison, from becoming self defeating, I

533
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:50,160
Speaker 1: want you to really explore why it is that you

534
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 1: feel so jealous. I want you to get curious about

535
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:58,680
Speaker 1: what has triggered this feeling for you now. At times,

536
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 1: career jealous is actually an asset because it can spur

537
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 1: on admiration and therefore inspiration. Alongside envy, Career jealousy is

538
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 1: actually telling you something pretty important about what you want.

539
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,960
Speaker 1: If this person had a life that you didn't care about,

540
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:20,440
Speaker 1: if you didn't secretly want what they had, you would

541
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 1: not be feeling jealous. You only feel jealous because you

542
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,640
Speaker 1: feel invested in that situation, and the reason you feel

543
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:32,160
Speaker 1: invested or emotional about it is because it is something

544
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 1: that you desire, and so in that way, our jealousy

545
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 1: is a great way of providing us with direction. I

546
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,680
Speaker 1: heard someone say this the other day, and what they

547
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 1: said was, if you're ever struggling to know what you

548
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,680
Speaker 1: want from life, if you're ever struggling with direction, ask yourself,

549
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:51,640
Speaker 1: whose life am I most jealous of? Isn't that so funny? Like?

550
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:55,560
Speaker 1: What is a painful emotion is actually a really important

551
00:33:55,560 --> 00:34:00,520
Speaker 1: one because it can reveal all of these parts of you,

552
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 1: all these things and these ambitions that you secretly have.

553
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,920
Speaker 1: So I want you to reframe jealousy has proof of

554
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,920
Speaker 1: what you want. And I also want you to reframe

555
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 1: jealousy as proof that you can get there, because the

556
00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 1: only reason you're feeling envious is because someone has done

557
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,319
Speaker 1: what you want to do. So they've done it. This

558
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 1: is really essential because then what we have here is

559
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 1: admiration and motivation rather than just jealousy. So once you

560
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: have thought about the person that you are most jealous of,

561
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,799
Speaker 1: you now have to realize, actually, they are probably also

562
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 1: going to be the person that I admire the most.

563
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,520
Speaker 1: Now you can do a bit of a reverse psychological

564
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 1: engineering exercise. What I mean by that is I want

565
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:50,880
Speaker 1: you to get more curious about their life, what specific behaviors, habits,

566
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 1: or strategies are they using. What are they doing that

567
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,120
Speaker 1: you are perhaps not that you can realistically apply to

568
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 1: your own career. What path did they take, What knowledge

569
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 1: do you think they have, what kind of wisdom? Essentially,

570
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is, please, please please lean in, move towards,

571
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:16,920
Speaker 1: not away from, those that you envy. Now, if you're

572
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:22,320
Speaker 1: finding that particularly difficult, there's evidence that doing small favors

573
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 1: for someone that you envy can actually make you like

574
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 1: them more so. This is called the Ben Franklin effect.

575
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:34,279
Speaker 1: If someone's success is really almost hurting you emotionally, ask

576
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 1: them for advice, Ask them if you can get involved

577
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:41,160
Speaker 1: in their project, Ask them if you can study with them,

578
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 1: Ask them to sit down for a coffee with you

579
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:48,680
Speaker 1: and shout them the coffee. Now, this really flips our

580
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:53,319
Speaker 1: brain's perception the people we envy, they're an ally not

581
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:56,640
Speaker 1: a threat. Now to kind of focus on you, you know,

582
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:58,759
Speaker 1: a lot of this has been about what we can

583
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:01,319
Speaker 1: do to change our real relationship to others. What can

584
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:04,759
Speaker 1: we do internally for ourselves. I want you to make

585
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:09,319
Speaker 1: a list of everything that you feel that you are

586
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 1: proud of and that you are good at that has

587
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,560
Speaker 1: nothing to do with your professional career or your job.

588
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,600
Speaker 1: I want you to work on focusing on the areas

589
00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:23,960
Speaker 1: where you are excelling, even if externally and in an

590
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 1: individualistic society, those things aren't as celebrated. So let's go

591
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 1: through a couple. You know, maybe you're training for a

592
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,879
Speaker 1: long distance run. Maybe you go to the gym every

593
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,840
Speaker 1: single day. That's something that not a lot of people

594
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 1: can say they do. Maybe you commit time to your hobbies.

595
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,919
Speaker 1: I would be really, really proud if I read five

596
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 1: pages before bed every night. Maybe you call your Grandma

597
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 1: more than the average person. I want you to feel

598
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 1: proud of something, and I want you to focus on

599
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,000
Speaker 1: your assets and what you are good at. There are

600
00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:00,880
Speaker 1: so many important psychological studies that show feeling proud of

601
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:05,760
Speaker 1: yourself is endlessly correlated to high self esteem and fewer

602
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:09,880
Speaker 1: feelings of jealousy. And the other part about self pride

603
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,279
Speaker 1: is that it's often self determined. Now we're not talking

604
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 1: about arrogance. We're talking about genuine pride in your accomplishment.

605
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 1: That is something that if you find every single one

606
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:22,959
Speaker 1: of us, every single one of us can find something

607
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:26,280
Speaker 1: that we deserve to be proud of. Really, I think

608
00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 1: this whole idea of turning inward is so important here.

609
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 1: Stop looking externally for proof that you're doing okay, and

610
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:39,360
Speaker 1: start measuring your value by how fulfilled you feel, even

611
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,359
Speaker 1: if others don't see value in what you're doing, how

612
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:46,000
Speaker 1: happy you make others feel, how purposeful you are, how

613
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:49,560
Speaker 1: genuinely happy you can say your days are the progress

614
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:53,359
Speaker 1: that you're making in your own small ways. Taking more

615
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: time as well to figure out what you want, taking

616
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,680
Speaker 1: more time to find the perfect job or just to

617
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:02,239
Speaker 1: find some kind of path. That's also an asset for you,

618
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:06,040
Speaker 1: because you're not tying yourself down or flinging yourself onto

619
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,600
Speaker 1: a moving train too early in your life with no

620
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 1: way of getting off. So I do actually think that's

621
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,439
Speaker 1: really really important. Sometimes we see these people and they're

622
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,279
Speaker 1: like wonder kins, right like they're twenty one, twenty two

623
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:21,440
Speaker 1: doing these amazing, amazing things. There's a line from a

624
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:25,360
Speaker 1: song that says, I'm always terrified of elevators that rise

625
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:28,840
Speaker 1: too fast they never last. And a lot of people

626
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: who are in those situations will tell you that around

627
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,560
Speaker 1: the age of thirty or thirty five, they really have

628
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 1: to battle some of the real existential questions about deeper

629
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,600
Speaker 1: personal meaning that you're probably managing right now. So my

630
00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:45,760
Speaker 1: final tip is to engage in some kind of mental

631
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:49,759
Speaker 1: time travel. There's this brilliant study in psychological science that

632
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 1: found imagining yourself ten years into the future actually really

633
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:59,839
Speaker 1: helps reduce the intensity of current emotional struggles jealousy, envy,

634
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:03,840
Speaker 1: frustration included. So I want you to ask yourself right now,

635
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: will I care about this in ten years? What advice

636
00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:10,440
Speaker 1: would my future self give me about this moment? If

637
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,759
Speaker 1: everything works out well, if I focus on myself, what

638
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 1: is the version of me in ten years going to

639
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:20,439
Speaker 1: be most proud of me that I did. I think

640
00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:24,320
Speaker 1: this really helps dampen the jealousy response and it keeps

641
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 1: you having that forward focused vision for yourself. Okay, we're

642
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: going to take a short break, but when we return,

643
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:34,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk some final reminders and also introduce

644
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:43,239
Speaker 1: you to some listener questions about this topic. Stay with us, So,

645
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,200
Speaker 1: my lovely listeners, this is a brand new segment of

646
00:39:46,239 --> 00:39:48,640
Speaker 1: the show, the very first of its kind that I'm

647
00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:51,640
Speaker 1: trialing out, and it's a little Q and A section.

648
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 1: So what I was finding was that after I was

649
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,279
Speaker 1: releasing episodes, a lot of you were saying Hey, you

650
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,200
Speaker 1: didn't talk about this, and this is really what I

651
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,960
Speaker 1: needed advice, and I thought, you know what, I think

652
00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:04,239
Speaker 1: that we can bring this in. I think that we

653
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,880
Speaker 1: can bring in some of your questions so that I

654
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:10,719
Speaker 1: can answer them right now, right here on the spot. Now,

655
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:13,799
Speaker 1: given that this is a new part of the episode,

656
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:17,680
Speaker 1: I really do want feedback. If all of you come

657
00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:20,319
Speaker 1: back and say to me, hey, we actually hate this,

658
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:24,040
Speaker 1: it's going away. This is just as much your show

659
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:26,399
Speaker 1: as it is mine. But I just thought it would

660
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:27,840
Speaker 1: be fun to give it a go. I'm going to

661
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 1: try it for the next four episodes, and after I've

662
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 1: done it for four episodes, I'm going to ask you

663
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:34,919
Speaker 1: guys all again, what do you think? Do you like it?

664
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:38,440
Speaker 1: And depending on what you say will determine its future,

665
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,719
Speaker 1: So please provide all the feedback that you want. But

666
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: let's get into the questions now. The first question I

667
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: got was how does career jealousy and anxiety arise in

668
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 1: siblings and how do you manage it? Honestly, I think

669
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:55,320
Speaker 1: the career jealousy between siblings is a lot more common

670
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:58,120
Speaker 1: than you may think, because there is, of course a

671
00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:03,239
Speaker 1: nate familial comparison. There's also all these family archetypes that

672
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 1: we tend to fall into, right, the golden child, the

673
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:11,200
Speaker 1: black sheep, the underachiever, the overachiever, and they really contribute

674
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:14,920
Speaker 1: to this sense of needing to prove yourself, particularly in

675
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,880
Speaker 1: comparison to a sibling. Now, we also talked about how

676
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: we compare ourselves to people who are most or more

677
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:25,800
Speaker 1: similar to us, specifically friends. Well, let's talk about siblings

678
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,919
Speaker 1: for a second. Like, you share some of the very

679
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,520
Speaker 1: same genes, you often share parents, you share a childhood environment,

680
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 1: so there's all those differences between you do feel particularly pronounced. Also,

681
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 1: you know, I've seen so many situations where parents often

682
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,440
Speaker 1: you know, it's terrible to say, but they do favor

683
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 1: one child and they do really focus on their success.

684
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,160
Speaker 1: You see it a lot with child actors, actually child

685
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:57,440
Speaker 1: actresses or actors who their parents put so much into them,

686
00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,480
Speaker 1: and then the other children are kind of like, Okay,

687
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:02,279
Speaker 1: well what about me. Just because my goals and my

688
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:05,799
Speaker 1: dreams are different and my success looks different based on

689
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:10,000
Speaker 1: the industry that we're in, doesn't mean it's any less important.

690
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:12,799
Speaker 1: So I think those are the circumstances that we're kind

691
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:17,319
Speaker 1: of dealing with here. Innate competition in families archetypes that

692
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:20,360
Speaker 1: we tend to fall into, or roles we fall into.

693
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:23,839
Speaker 1: What I really want you to do is realize that

694
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:27,040
Speaker 1: a win for them is your win as well, no

695
00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 1: matter how much you have been conditioned to see them

696
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:36,839
Speaker 1: as competition. Seriously, is that mentality hurting or helping your relationship?

697
00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:44,480
Speaker 1: Sibling relationships are oh my god, so underrated, so underrated.

698
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:47,279
Speaker 1: They are so important, they are so special. They are

699
00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:50,040
Speaker 1: the people who will hopefully be with you for so

700
00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:52,760
Speaker 1: much of your life. And if you have been raised

701
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:54,759
Speaker 1: to be in competition, I think it does get to

702
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,520
Speaker 1: a point where you have to seriously look at each

703
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:00,759
Speaker 1: other and say, I don't want to be have relationship

704
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 1: with you anymore. Like this is not helping us. So

705
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 1: fight back against that natural instinct. Take interest in their life,

706
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:14,160
Speaker 1: invest mentally, invest your curiosity in their life, and also

707
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:16,040
Speaker 1: talk about it with them. You know, if you can't

708
00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:20,000
Speaker 1: talk about your insecurities with your sibling, who are you

709
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:23,280
Speaker 1: going to talk about it with? Oftentimes they are so forgiving,

710
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:27,120
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't be surprised if your eldest or youngest

711
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,680
Speaker 1: sibling who you naturally compare yourself with doesn't turn around

712
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:34,160
Speaker 1: and say, oh my god, I do the exact same thing,

713
00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: because this is how we've been raised, this is who

714
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:41,120
Speaker 1: we have been raised to be competitors rather than friends.

715
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,080
Speaker 1: So that's my advice for that question. Our second question

716
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:48,040
Speaker 1: from another Lovely listener, how to navigate the scarcity mindset

717
00:43:48,120 --> 00:43:51,839
Speaker 1: in particular that contributes to career jealousy. So, for those

718
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:55,000
Speaker 1: of you not familiar with this term, the scarcity mindset

719
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:59,840
Speaker 1: is basically it's a combinative fallacy in which we believe

720
00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 1: that resources including financial resources, emotional resources, social resources, jobs,

721
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:12,480
Speaker 1: are limited, and so we end up becoming preoccupied with

722
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:15,719
Speaker 1: what we lack rather than what we have, and we

723
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 1: get into this mindset that there is not enough out

724
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 1: there in this world for us to have what we want.

725
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:27,440
Speaker 1: I want to remind you here, success is not a

726
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:32,640
Speaker 1: finite resource that has an end. There's always room for

727
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:35,919
Speaker 1: another famous celebrity. There's always room for a new pop star.

728
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 1: There is not only so much to go around, there

729
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: is room for you, and I need you to know

730
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,919
Speaker 1: that otherwise I do think you'll begin to see someone

731
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:47,600
Speaker 1: else's advancement as costing you your own, and so you're

732
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:52,120
Speaker 1: never able to have that real kinship and ally mentorship

733
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:55,560
Speaker 1: relationship with other people, and you'll get into this them

734
00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:59,400
Speaker 1: versus me mindset, which you know, I actually really understand.

735
00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:01,680
Speaker 1: I've fallen in to it a lot of times. It

736
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:06,320
Speaker 1: comes from this idea that what we want is lacking

737
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:09,400
Speaker 1: in the world and there's only room for a couple

738
00:45:09,400 --> 00:45:12,239
Speaker 1: of people. You know. It's based on this mindset. Of course,

739
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:15,799
Speaker 1: if I get the job, someone else loses theirs. If

740
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:18,920
Speaker 1: my friend is successful, well I can't be until they're not.

741
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:23,880
Speaker 1: It's very, very untrue. My biggest piece of advice is

742
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:28,320
Speaker 1: to work really hard to undo this mindset. Keep applying

743
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:33,320
Speaker 1: for jobs, keep your options open, volunteer, search for opportunities

744
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:37,360
Speaker 1: in as many areas as you possibly can. And remember

745
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 1: that your success, just because it's not happening right now,

746
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,480
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it's never going to happen. Your dream job,

747
00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:47,399
Speaker 1: your dream career, your big break, it might not even

748
00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:50,480
Speaker 1: exist yet. It might not even you know, all the

749
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,879
Speaker 1: dominoes may not even be aligned to bring it into existence. Yet.

750
00:45:54,239 --> 00:45:56,719
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that where you are now is where

751
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:59,279
Speaker 1: you will always be. There is definitely room for you

752
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:02,279
Speaker 1: at any tape that you want to sit on sit at.

753
00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 1: I guess even if you need to carve that space

754
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:08,799
Speaker 1: out over time for yourself. All right, let's talk about

755
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,799
Speaker 1: this next question. Why does it feel like sometimes it's

756
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:16,279
Speaker 1: up to luck and not meritocracy? So meritocracy based on

757
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:21,719
Speaker 1: merit it basically suggests that if you work hard enough,

758
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,920
Speaker 1: there is something that you should be entitled to. I'm

759
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:27,799
Speaker 1: going to tell you something that I think a lot

760
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 1: of people probably deserve to be told earlier. And I'm

761
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:36,399
Speaker 1: very sorry if it's upsetting, but really, sometimes things are

762
00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 1: just up to luck. A small part of everything is

763
00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:44,880
Speaker 1: luck right place, right time. They just happen to choose

764
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:47,640
Speaker 1: or make the right decision at the perfect moment when

765
00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 1: it worked out for them. I know it's really really rough,

766
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:53,319
Speaker 1: but I feel like it's kind of unfair that we've

767
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:56,760
Speaker 1: all been sold this idea that, yes, if you work hard,

768
00:46:56,920 --> 00:47:01,120
Speaker 1: there's something that you are innately deserving of. There's so

769
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:04,080
Speaker 1: many more factors at play. Here's the good news, though

770
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 1: luck is not a finite thing. Just like success, there

771
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:11,920
Speaker 1: is actually heaps of luck to go around, and luck

772
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:17,239
Speaker 1: also turns luck is this tricky little thing where we

773
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 1: are so so focused on what it feels like to

774
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:25,600
Speaker 1: not have it that actually when we do are rewarded

775
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:27,439
Speaker 1: with it, and when the luck does come our way,

776
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 1: we kind of almost don't see it. We're only focused

777
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:34,440
Speaker 1: on the moments when it's not ours. Really, I always

778
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:36,400
Speaker 1: think about my like I think I was like my

779
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:40,240
Speaker 1: eighth grade math teacher. Her name is miss mary Anne,

780
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:43,359
Speaker 1: I think mary Anne something, and she always said luck

781
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: is when preparation meets opportunity. So you may not have

782
00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:49,880
Speaker 1: the opportunity part yet, but you can work on the

783
00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:53,720
Speaker 1: preparation part so that when everything aligns and it's your moment,

784
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:58,520
Speaker 1: you are there to take it. So our final listener

785
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:01,920
Speaker 1: question from the day is about the third type of

786
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:04,960
Speaker 1: career jealousy that we experience. If you remember we have

787
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:09,239
Speaker 1: three categories. The third type is material jealousy. So this

788
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 1: person says, my friends are paid four times more than me.

789
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:16,839
Speaker 1: I feel left out of their lavish lifestyles. What can

790
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:21,439
Speaker 1: I do? Let me just say that is rough. It's

791
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:24,640
Speaker 1: really rough when it feels like your friends are entering

792
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:29,319
Speaker 1: this entirely new financial chapter of their life and you

793
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:33,360
Speaker 1: are stuck in the past. What I really want you

794
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:37,600
Speaker 1: to do is to open communication with them. Hopefully money

795
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:40,680
Speaker 1: hasn't changed their mindset and money hasn't changed their opinion

796
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:42,279
Speaker 1: on you. I'm going to give them the benefit of

797
00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:44,680
Speaker 1: the doubt and say that it hasn't, and so I'm

798
00:48:44,719 --> 00:48:48,280
Speaker 1: assuming they still very much love you. They desire your company,

799
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,080
Speaker 1: they want your company. I really want you to just

800
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:54,880
Speaker 1: discuss with them opportunities to do things that are less

801
00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:58,919
Speaker 1: expensive and that are more affordable, and that maybe don't

802
00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:04,000
Speaker 1: include four course meals and don't include luxury spending, but

803
00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:07,600
Speaker 1: are simple. Honestly, I feel like I've had conversations with

804
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:10,359
Speaker 1: friends like this before, where I've been like, hey, like,

805
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:13,480
Speaker 1: you know, I can't come to your birthday dinner, but

806
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:15,759
Speaker 1: I would love to do this smaller thing with you.

807
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:19,279
Speaker 1: Or someone said, hey, I can't afford to contribute to

808
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:21,560
Speaker 1: this gift, or I can't afford to go on this trip,

809
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,560
Speaker 1: but I want to still be involved in some way.

810
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 1: A good friend will be receptive of that. I also,

811
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:30,680
Speaker 1: I want to give you a really really strong piece

812
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:34,440
Speaker 1: of advice here. Please do not try and match their spending.

813
00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:38,560
Speaker 1: I'm not a financial advisor, obviously, but I've seen people

814
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 1: do this. I remember reading an article about someone who

815
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,960
Speaker 1: got into a significant amount of debt trying to keep

816
00:49:44,040 --> 00:49:48,160
Speaker 1: up with their friends' lifestyle. If they are your friends,

817
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:52,319
Speaker 1: you don't need to impress them. And doing things just

818
00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:57,600
Speaker 1: for appearances rather than meeting your actual needs and spending

819
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:02,200
Speaker 1: money where you feel it's purpose is a very dangerous

820
00:50:02,239 --> 00:50:03,960
Speaker 1: game to play, and I wouldn't want to see you

821
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:06,640
Speaker 1: get into debt or into trouble because you feel like

822
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:09,440
Speaker 1: you need to impress your friends. If they're the people

823
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:12,880
Speaker 1: who need to be impressed, they're probably not your friends.

824
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:16,080
Speaker 1: So obviously I don't have all the full information, but

825
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:18,239
Speaker 1: I would really just say have a chat with them

826
00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:22,080
Speaker 1: about it. Don't excessively spend money, and if you feel

827
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:26,720
Speaker 1: like their priorities have changed beyond well because of the money,

828
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:31,760
Speaker 1: maybe start considering whether your priorities towards friendship should change

829
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:34,800
Speaker 1: as well. Okay, my lovely listeners, thank you for joining

830
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:38,600
Speaker 1: me for this new segment. As always, please let me

831
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:41,800
Speaker 1: know what you think of this. Also, what I'll be

832
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:43,960
Speaker 1: doing is I'll be putting up the questions three to

833
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:46,799
Speaker 1: four days in advance on Instagram. So if you want

834
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:49,000
Speaker 1: to get involved in these questions, you want to be

835
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:52,799
Speaker 1: able to contribute to episodes, please follow me over there.

836
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:57,360
Speaker 1: It's at that psychology podcast. And also I love hearing feedback.

837
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 1: I love hearing episodes suggestions from your Really do have

838
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:04,000
Speaker 1: such a beautiful community, So come on over, get involved,

839
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:06,480
Speaker 1: and if you're already there, well say hello. I'll see

840
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,880
Speaker 1: you over there. Make sure that you are following along

841
00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:11,920
Speaker 1: with the podcast so you know when new episodes go live,

842
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:14,680
Speaker 1: and leave a five star review if you feel called

843
00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:17,720
Speaker 1: to do so, or share this episode with a friend

844
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:20,759
Speaker 1: who feel like might be struggling with a lot of

845
00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:23,719
Speaker 1: career jealousy. Trust me, a lot of us are in

846
00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:27,040
Speaker 1: the same boat. This is a no shame zone. Hopefully

847
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:29,720
Speaker 1: you have been able to learn how to better naviget

848
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:33,840
Speaker 1: these feelings or at least reframe your thoughts towards your jealousy.

849
00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:38,160
Speaker 1: As a reminder, as we end this episode, please be safe,

850
00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:41,880
Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle with yourself, and we will talk

851
00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:43,160
Speaker 1: very very soon,