1 00:00:00,920 --> 00:00:03,680 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:08,479 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:15,440 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: Last time on Crumbs, I started to learn that my 5 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,040 Speaker 1: sobriety is like a slippery wet fish. If I loosen 6 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 1: my grip at all, it would slip away. That happened 7 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: to me so many times before, but this time I 8 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: was willing to hang on tight, to restructure everything in 9 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:45,840 Speaker 1: my life, to keep a tight grasp routines, gym, meetings, fellowship. 10 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: But with sobriety, every day is a challenge. Day forty 11 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: two is challenging, Day seventy five is challenging. I was 12 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 1: always looking for ways to get stronger, to keep my 13 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: grip on that fish, to hold tight to my sobriety. 14 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: In the program, we're told that it's important to search 15 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,960 Speaker 1: for ways, to ask for help, to feel humble, to 16 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 1: do internal work, obviously, but also to look outside of 17 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: yourself for support. And then around ninety days in my 18 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: higher power sent me something a crush. So now my ego, 19 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:31,520 Speaker 1: my pride is on the line. How will romance mix 20 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:36,399 Speaker 1: with sobriety? Will the crush make me stronger or weaker? 21 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 1: I'm emmy and this is crumbs. It's to show about 22 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,759 Speaker 1: the things we settle for and the bits of ourselves 23 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: that make us who we are. This season, my sobriety 24 00:01:51,120 --> 00:02:07,200 Speaker 1: journey in twelve steps, Step seven humility. This episode, for 25 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 1: the first time ever, my pride serves me well. So 26 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 1: I get invited to go to this twelve sup meeting 27 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 1: that is held at someone's house. You might imagine a 28 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: typical meeting to be in a basement, at a church, 29 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 1: shitty coffee. This one was different. It's kind of a 30 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,919 Speaker 1: step up. It's not an open meeting for everyone. This 31 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 1: is more of an exclusive only type of meeting. So 32 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,359 Speaker 1: I think because I was good looking, young, I get 33 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: invited to this meeting. I get invited to this meeting 34 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 1: on Monday night, would all get dressed up, dinner is 35 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:01,080 Speaker 1: serve and it's just a bunch of very good looking, 36 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: successful gay men. They called it the Donna Summers Meeting 37 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 1: because it was a fun meeting. So we walk into 38 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: the living room, and this is a house that has 39 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: two living rooms. That's already very fancy. So we go 40 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: to the second living room. There's beautiful art on every wall. 41 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,519 Speaker 1: There's a fireplace and a chic brown leather couch in 42 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 1: front of it. Everything is tasteful and perfect. Everyone's chatting. 43 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 1: This meeting is in an affluent area in San Diego, 44 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,880 Speaker 1: and the owner of this house is George. I'm introduced 45 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: to him. George is very good looking. He's probably in 46 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: his forties, about five ten, dresses very sharply. He's wearing 47 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: designer jeans, a designer T shirt, and designer sneakers. He's 48 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 1: the kind of guy that wears jeans and a T 49 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 1: shirt and makes it look very classy, A very handsome man. 50 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 2: I've heard of him. 51 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: I knew that he was successful in real estate, that 52 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: he was married before to a woman divorced, he had 53 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 1: a teenage son, and he had fourteen years of sobriety. 54 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 2: And now George was dating men right away. I'm interested. 55 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 1: I could see myself with someone like that, successful sober stable. 56 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,040 Speaker 1: He was nice, and he seemed generous to allow all 57 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,920 Speaker 1: these strangers to hold a meeting at his house every week. 58 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: So I'm introduced to George, and he smiles and he says, 59 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 1: make yourself feel at home. 60 00:04:59,400 --> 00:04:59,920 Speaker 2: I'm young. 61 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 1: I'm in the room with a bunch of older people, 62 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 1: and I'm trying to fit in, so I get really quiet. 63 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: But people are having conversations about how their day was, 64 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 1: about how their weekend was. I'm like shitting bricks inside. 65 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: I am because I'm mute to this group. I feel 66 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,240 Speaker 1: very insecure, out of place, like a fish out of water. 67 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:34,159 Speaker 1: They're being very polite, but I can't focus George. I 68 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,479 Speaker 1: couldn't take my eyes off of him. I keep thinking 69 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: he's so handsome, would he ever see me that way? 70 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,800 Speaker 1: And so I become a regular at this meeting. I 71 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:51,360 Speaker 1: come every week and I plan my outfits. I wear 72 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 1: Diesel jeans, lacost shirts, and my Hugo Boss shoes, and 73 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:02,480 Speaker 1: I try to strike up conversation with George. I'd find 74 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: him in his kitchen and I think about something to 75 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:09,840 Speaker 1: say to him, something to strike conversation. There were pictures 76 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: on his wall, and I'd ask him who the people 77 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: in the pictures were. Every word that comes out of 78 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 1: my mouth feels so dumb. The feeling of flirting for 79 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:25,160 Speaker 1: the first time sober was terrifying. My idea of flirting 80 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:28,799 Speaker 1: was getting really blacked out and making out with somebody 81 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: at a club. I don't even really remember the steps 82 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 1: that got me there to that point, or I didn't 83 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: really have any inhibition. I just said shit and I 84 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:44,480 Speaker 1: didn't remember it the next day. So starting to flirt 85 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,919 Speaker 1: sober was a whole new language. It was almost like 86 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: I didn't have that social skill to flirt, and I 87 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 1: had to learn it sober, stone cold sober, which is 88 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,479 Speaker 1: incredibly awkward. I'm so timid, I'm so shy. I don't 89 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: even know what to say. What's the only thing that 90 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: I'm very confident talking about my culture. So we talk 91 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:16,520 Speaker 1: about food, Mexican food, We talk about my family a 92 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 1: little bit, where I come from. I felt immediately connected 93 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:30,120 Speaker 1: to him. George was very flirtatious with a lot of men. 94 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 1: I noticed that right away, and he was flirtatious with me. 95 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 1: You know, when you hug someone, you feel it if 96 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 1: they're being flirtatious or not. I felt like he was 97 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 1: being flirtatious even though he knew I was new. I 98 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: wasn't really dating at this point. I was really focused 99 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: on myself, So the little flirtation that George would give me, 100 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,119 Speaker 1: I'd eat it up. There was something about him giving 101 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: me attention and validation that just made me feel so 102 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 1: good because validation is kind of addictive, and since I'm 103 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: not putting in all these substances that I used to 104 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: be addicted to, this kind of feels like a little game, 105 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:23,200 Speaker 1: like a little addiction, and I like it. I was 106 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: kind of trying to figure out if his flirtation was 107 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,080 Speaker 1: different with me than it was with other men. I 108 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: think it was just part of his personality. That's just 109 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 1: who George was. He was good looking, he knew he 110 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: was successful, so he was a little cocky in that sense. 111 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 1: But we keep talking and eventually we get each other's 112 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 1: numbers and we start texting. It's a very simple good morning, 113 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,959 Speaker 1: I hope you have a great day, and it goes 114 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 1: from that to how's your day going, are you going 115 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: to this meeting? Are you going to this event? How 116 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: are you feeling? And then one day George comes down 117 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: with a cold, so I ask him can I bring 118 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 1: you anything? Do you need anything? And he says, actually, 119 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: do you mind bringing me cold medicine? Absolutely, I'll be there. 120 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,440 Speaker 1: I'm going to take it one step further. I go 121 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 1: to the grocery store. I buy everything to make chicken 122 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 1: soup for him, and I make him a Mexican chicken 123 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,560 Speaker 1: soup from scratch. 124 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:38,959 Speaker 2: God. 125 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 1: It was my Milita's recipe, what she used to make 126 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 1: for us. 127 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,080 Speaker 2: You know what, do they. 128 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 1: Say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 129 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: I was trying to get to that heart through his stomach. 130 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 1: He's going to feel so good after this. So I 131 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: make this chicken soup with lots of love. I put 132 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: it in a tepperware and I drive to George's house. 133 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: I give him the medicine that he asked me for 134 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 1: and I tell him I made you some Carlo. 135 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 2: And he loved it. 136 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:22,320 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I made an impression on George. So 137 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 1: after the super incident, I started hearing more from George. 138 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: We'd hang out in group settings a lot because we 139 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,840 Speaker 1: ran with the same group of people, so I'd see 140 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 1: him often. And I think George knows that I like him, 141 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:42,720 Speaker 1: and I could tell he likes me back. During this time, 142 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:48,320 Speaker 1: my little sister, Daniella got pregnant. She was young, she 143 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: was a teenager, so I was nervous about that, and 144 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: I was worried about how she was going to be 145 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 1: able to provide for her child, where her life would 146 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: be headed. 147 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,560 Speaker 2: I was worried if she was going to be okay. 148 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,280 Speaker 1: I mentioned this to George because George had a son, 149 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 1: I would event to him my concerns. It felt good 150 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: to have someone to talk to because with the rest 151 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 1: of the group, it was always the same thing. We'd 152 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: be talking about sobriety. But here is someone that I 153 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 1: can actually talk about my family with. Lots of people 154 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: talked about their families, but usually in the context of sobriety. 155 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: This was different. This was someone who actually understood the 156 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:37,440 Speaker 1: kind of problems I had with my family and wanted 157 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 1: to help me kind of solve them. One day, he 158 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,679 Speaker 1: says something that really like throws me in for a loop. 159 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 1: He said, well, maybe we can adopt your sister's son. 160 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,040 Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, you and I Wait a minute, what 161 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: like you and me as a couple And he kind 162 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: of laughed a little bit. Obviously things had progressed in 163 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: our friendship because I went from flirtatious, who you're potentially 164 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,480 Speaker 1: a life partner. That's what I heard. I don't know 165 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: if that's what he meant. That's what I heard, but 166 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: I was in it. When I met George, I was 167 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: about to hit ninety days sober, really really new After 168 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,280 Speaker 1: I got my chip. George invited me to go out 169 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: to dinner, just the two of us. I was nervous, 170 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:42,120 Speaker 1: but I offered to pick them up. I drove to 171 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,079 Speaker 1: his house, he got in the car, and we went 172 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 1: to dinner. We went to this Italian restaurant in San Diego. 173 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 1: I don't remember what I ate. I was just so 174 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 1: into being in the same space as George. I felt 175 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 1: like I was dating for the first time as a 176 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,200 Speaker 1: sober person. I didn't even know how you were supposed 177 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: to start a date if you had the social lubricant 178 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 1: of alcohol, you know, like drinking a glass of wine 179 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 1: and chatting and things being nice. I didn't even have 180 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:24,719 Speaker 1: that reference point. My dating life had been nonexistent, so 181 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: this basically felt like my first date ever. But I 182 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,240 Speaker 1: didn't tell anyone that I was going on to date. 183 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:37,960 Speaker 1: I'm a newcomer. George is fourteen years sober. It suggests 184 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: that you don't date in your first year of recovery. 185 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,360 Speaker 1: Someone who's been sober for a long time. They're discouraged 186 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: from getting involved with someone who's new to the program. 187 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,520 Speaker 1: It's not written anywhere, but it happens often enough that 188 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:58,959 Speaker 1: there's a phrase for it. It's called thirteen stepping. When 189 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 1: you're in your first year recovery, you're really focused on 190 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:08,920 Speaker 1: building your foundation. A foundation is basically a really strong 191 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 1: set of habits that no matter what happens in your life, 192 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: you still are practicing those habits. You've done it enough 193 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 1: that no matter what happens above ground, under the surface, 194 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 1: you know what you're going to do every day, and 195 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: you know that, sobriety comes first. Looking back at ninety days, 196 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 1: I was just in that stage of digging a hole 197 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 1: to pour the first layer of concrete. I didn't even 198 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,680 Speaker 1: have a foundation at the time, but I thought I 199 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 1: had a foundation. I thought I could handle anything, but 200 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 1: I really didn't. And it was really risky, but I 201 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:52,440 Speaker 1: couldn't help it. I had a lovely time, even though 202 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,640 Speaker 1: it felt incredibly awkward, it also kind of felt like 203 00:14:55,680 --> 00:15:06,000 Speaker 1: a dream. And when I drop him off at his house, 204 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 1: George says thank you, and I thank him for taking 205 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: me out, and he leans over and gives me a 206 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 1: kiss on the lips. In my little Toyota Corolla, I 207 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 1: was paralyzed. I was over the moon. I visualized my 208 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: life with George and then he tells me something. He says, 209 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 1: you know I can't date you. Right. 210 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 2: My heart sunk. 211 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: All of my fantasies popped like bubbles. Definitely not what 212 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 1: I was expecting. He says, I can't date you because 213 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 1: I have fourteen years sober. You're a newcomer. It just 214 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: wouldn't look good. Besides, he said, in the end, it's 215 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: always the old timer that gets the most hurt. George 216 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: got out of the car and he said, talk to 217 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 1: you soon. I said yes, but I did not want 218 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:28,360 Speaker 1: to talk to him. I felt hurt, I felt let on. 219 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 1: Was it something I said during dinner? Did that make 220 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 1: him get turned off? Something I did, my actions, my behavior? 221 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,120 Speaker 2: What was it? 222 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:46,560 Speaker 1: I couldn't figure it out. I didn't ask him out 223 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 1: to dinner. He asked me out to dinner. From when 224 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 1: I first met him. He knew I was new. I 225 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:58,640 Speaker 1: did not understand. So I went home and I cried, 226 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,320 Speaker 1: and I thought, what are my options? Well, I'm going 227 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 1: to go tell all of his friends what he's doing 228 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:09,640 Speaker 1: with me. He's so worried about his image. I'm going 229 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:15,000 Speaker 1: to expose him. It hurts so badly that I wanted 230 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:21,080 Speaker 1: them to know what he had done. So I told 231 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: one friend. I called him and that friend told another friend, 232 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: and that friend told another friend. They've known George his 233 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,680 Speaker 1: entire sobriety. They knew his patterns, they knew his history. 234 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 1: I was told that this is a pattern in George's life. 235 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:48,880 Speaker 1: George was a big old man whore. I didn't expose him. 236 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,560 Speaker 1: He'd done it so many times that everyone already knew 237 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 1: who he was. It made me feel like I wasn't special, 238 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:01,000 Speaker 1: that it would just be another notch or his belt. 239 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 1: When I told George's friends what had happened, they did 240 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:08,520 Speaker 1: something a little bit surprising. Their focus wasn't on him, 241 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:13,200 Speaker 1: it was on me. When I told them, I hoped 242 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,480 Speaker 1: and I fantasized that they would confront George and yell 243 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,879 Speaker 1: at him, But instead they made it all about me 244 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: and made sure I was okay. To him, I wasn't 245 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,120 Speaker 1: any different than all the other newcomers he had got 246 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 1: on dates with. But to his friends, I was someone 247 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 1: that they were going to protect, and I was not 248 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:38,439 Speaker 1: expecting that. That showed me so much about the fellowship, 249 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,200 Speaker 1: and I hadn't really had that in my life. 250 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 2: They're like, you're too good for that. 251 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,200 Speaker 1: Let me show you the way to get out of 252 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,080 Speaker 1: this dark depression. 253 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:50,719 Speaker 2: That you are in. 254 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 1: They were so scared that I was going to relapse 255 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,719 Speaker 1: after this. I said, well, what I'm going to do 256 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: is I'm going to move to Los Angeles. I don't 257 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 1: have anything here in San Diego. What am I staying here? 258 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:08,160 Speaker 1: I just wanted to escape. I wanted to escape my emotions. 259 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 1: I wanted to escape my setting, my environment. I wanted 260 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: not to feel the way I was feeling. This was 261 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,639 Speaker 1: the first time I was feeling pain in the sobriety. 262 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:26,639 Speaker 1: George's friends said, that's fine, you can do that, but 263 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:32,360 Speaker 1: get your year first. So one of his friends invited 264 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 1: me to a meeting and he said, we are going 265 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 1: to get through this together. 266 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,200 Speaker 2: I had two options. 267 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,679 Speaker 1: I could train at George like I'll show you what 268 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 1: you did, look what you did to me. Or I 269 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,120 Speaker 1: could get sober at George, like look what. 270 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 2: You made me do. 271 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 1: You made me better than you at recovery. 272 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,760 Speaker 2: That's the option I took. I guess I'm kind of competitive. 273 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,960 Speaker 1: I was going to show George what a mistake he 274 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: had made. I was going to show him how he 275 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 1: fucked up by not dating me. And I was going 276 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 1: to be the best person in recovery. And I was 277 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:30,000 Speaker 1: going to do all the things that I needed to 278 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 1: do to be the best sober person ever. I'll show you, George. 279 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: My ego was saying, if you drink now or use 280 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,360 Speaker 1: you get loaded, you're just going to prove George's point right. 281 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:50,359 Speaker 1: My pride was going to keep me sober no matter 282 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: what it took. So when I said I'm going to 283 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,879 Speaker 1: be amazing at recovery, that meant that I was going 284 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: to a meeting every single day that I was going 285 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: to offer to have a commitment at those meetings, whether 286 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:10,879 Speaker 1: it's setting up the chairs or making the coffee or 287 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:15,119 Speaker 1: setting up the literature table. I was going to step 288 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,919 Speaker 1: up my step work with my sponsor. I was going 289 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: to say yes to everything. My pride catapulted me into 290 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:28,200 Speaker 1: putting in two hundred percent of my time into my recovery. 291 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,520 Speaker 1: I had to stay. My pride had pulled a funny 292 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,400 Speaker 1: little trick on me. It had forced me to find 293 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 1: the humility to deal with my pain. 294 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 2: And it was painful. 295 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 1: I cried for a very long time, and I did 296 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: not want to see George, but I had to. I 297 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,479 Speaker 1: had to see him at meetings. He seemed like he 298 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: did not give a fuck. It made me want to 299 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 1: run far, far away, or at least sit in the 300 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,680 Speaker 1: back of the room and hide my face, but I 301 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:00,399 Speaker 1: was allowed to. 302 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:02,720 Speaker 2: I was told that. 303 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 1: I was not to give up my seat for anyone 304 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:10,600 Speaker 1: else ever, that this was a selfish program and I 305 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 1: had to be selfish, And I ran with that. What 306 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: George's friends did for me is something that I will 307 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: never forget and forever be grateful. They would take turns 308 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: on taking care of me. They'd pick me up to 309 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: go to meetings, and they'd plan with me my next 310 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 1: meeting that they were going to take me to. They'd 311 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,359 Speaker 1: take me out to the movies, they'd take me out 312 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 1: to events, they'd take me out to just hang out 313 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:43,439 Speaker 1: at their house. They'd check on my schedule. All my 314 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 1: meetings were very planned and structured with their help. It 315 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,800 Speaker 1: was almost like they were babysitting me in recovery. They 316 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,120 Speaker 1: were very selfless, but they wanted to do it. They 317 00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 1: did it with so much joy and happiness, and I 318 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:03,760 Speaker 1: felt the love and I started feeling better about myself 319 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,600 Speaker 1: very fast. I started to feel like there was a 320 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:20,440 Speaker 1: place for me here after all. I guess my higher 321 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,320 Speaker 1: power has a sense of humor. It's kind of like 322 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:25,440 Speaker 1: my higher power said, Okay, let me come up with 323 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: a plan. Let's make this design for Emmy's recovery in 324 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:34,760 Speaker 1: a way that Emmy would actually follow through. Maybe we're 325 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: going to insert George here. George is going to break 326 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:44,919 Speaker 1: Emmy's heart and Emmy is going to immerse into a 327 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:52,560 Speaker 1: recovery program on steroids. My higher power had probably tried 328 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 1: to get me sober and immerse in recovery millions of 329 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,440 Speaker 1: other times in the past, like the AK forty seven incident, 330 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: going to jail multiple times, getting into a car accident, 331 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:09,160 Speaker 1: fighting with people, waking up with a black eye, and 332 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:15,960 Speaker 1: that wasn't enough. So let's give Emmy a crush. If 333 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: nothing else will work, maybe a crush would work. My 334 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:25,720 Speaker 1: pride served me well. It played a trick in a 335 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: roundabout way. It kept me in the program, kept me 336 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,520 Speaker 1: sober even when I was in a huge amount of pain, 337 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: and it made me fall madly in love with something else, 338 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:42,520 Speaker 1: the fellowship the program. But will that love be enough 339 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: as I start to open up the closet where the 340 00:24:44,760 --> 00:25:01,680 Speaker 1: Boogeyman hides. That's next time on Crumbs, Hey, listeners, there's 341 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,960 Speaker 1: a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in this show. 342 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,560 Speaker 1: If you are someone you know needs help, you can 343 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 1: reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Hotline at 344 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 1: one eight hundred sixty sixty two four three five seven. 345 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:20,200 Speaker 1: They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. There's 346 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at twenty eight hundred 347 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:29,680 Speaker 1: two seven three TA l K. Both are available twenty 348 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,400 Speaker 1: four to seven. You don't have to be in crisis 349 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,680 Speaker 1: to reach out either. They're available to anyone who needs help. 350 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,560 Speaker 1: You can also reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty 351 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: four to seven at one eight hundred six five six 352 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:50,480 Speaker 1: four six seven Three. Crumbs is a Somoto production in 353 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: partnership with Iheartsmiko, Thura Network and Chrojren Horse Media. It's 354 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 1: produced by Margaret Catcher and Patime Ragunev and edited by 355 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:04,120 Speaker 1: Rodrigo Ques. Original music by D. Peter Schmidt and engineering 356 00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:09,879 Speaker 1: by Manuel Barra. Studio, Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. 357 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,399 Speaker 1: Executive produced by Conor Byrne and gesab And Says for iHeart, 358 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:18,280 Speaker 1: Alex Flumeto, Elizabeth Schutzo and Margaret Catcher. For Trojan Horse, 359 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:24,120 Speaker 1: Camilla Vittriano, Joshua Weinstein, fer Sonoro and me emmio lea 360 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:30,119 Speaker 1: special thanks to Mariana Cornella. Listen to Crumbs on the 361 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:44,959 Speaker 1: iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.