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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of The

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks, which is the special bonus episode that comes

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Speaker 1: out every Wednesday where I answer your questions that you

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Speaker 1: send into me on the You Need Therapy Podcast. So

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Speaker 1: if you have a question you want to send it,

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Speaker 1: you can send it to Catherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com, which is me. I'm Katherine, you guys

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Speaker 1: can call me Cat. So before we get into it,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to remind everybody that this podcast is not

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Speaker 1: therapy and I cannot be your therapist. Well, actually it's

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Speaker 1: a lie. I might be some of your's therapist, but

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Speaker 1: if I don't know that I'm not I'm your therapist,

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Speaker 1: then I can't be your therapist. I have to know

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Speaker 1: about it. We have to have an agreement, and we

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Speaker 1: actually will talk about that later in this episode. So

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Speaker 1: this week, I'm actually going to do three questions. I

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Speaker 1: usually just do too, but I'm going to do three

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Speaker 1: and be a little crazy. So let's just jump into it.

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Speaker 1: The first question actually comes after somebody listened to last

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Speaker 1: week's episode from nit A Week, which is National Eating

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Speaker 1: Disorders Awareness Week. That was last week. If you want

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Speaker 1: to listen to that episode, it's your identity is rooted

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Speaker 1: in more than you think, and it's about body image

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Speaker 1: and eating disorders and all of the things. And here's

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Speaker 1: a question reminder to everybody. I keep all these anonymous

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Speaker 1: just because I think it's easier that way, and I

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Speaker 1: just think that's safer and better. So this is from anonymous,

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Speaker 1: and here it is. I had a very strange realization

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Speaker 1: moment around body image this week listening to Monday's episode

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Speaker 1: regarding eating disorders. You mentioned body image and how that

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Speaker 1: it is a focus of yours. I recently got hair

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Speaker 1: extensions and I'm obsessed. I've dyed my hair, tried fake nails,

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Speaker 1: no plastic surgery though, but I'm not hating on anyone

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Speaker 1: that has. So. Now my question is is it wrong

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Speaker 1: to get these enhancement treatments done? Fake eyelash extensions, micro blading,

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Speaker 1: those are so common. Isn't messing with our body image?

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Speaker 1: I truly haven't felt this confident in a long time.

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Speaker 1: I didn't lose any weight or changed my face. I

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Speaker 1: just added some hair and now I think I'm a

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Speaker 1: full flood beauty queen. Is this something that is hurting

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Speaker 1: my body image or maybe even worse hurting body image

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Speaker 1: for little girls. First of all, like the introspection here,

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Speaker 1: I just want to commend you. This is amazing that

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Speaker 1: you're even thinking about this. I love it. I love it,

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Speaker 1: I love it, And I love also that you're thinking

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Speaker 1: about yourself. And then you're also looking at the bigger picture,

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Speaker 1: which is something that and body image work we really

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Speaker 1: got to do. And I think it comes down to

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Speaker 1: a couple of little things or a couple of big things.

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Speaker 1: One is our intention? So what is our intentions in

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Speaker 1: getting these enhancements? Is it for fun? Is it because

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Speaker 1: like I hate myself? Is it because so and so

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Speaker 1: is doing it? What's the intention? And also how extreme

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Speaker 1: our our behaviors? How extreme are our attempts to fix

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Speaker 1: or change ourselves? And are they causing us pain in

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Speaker 1: other areas of our lives? Are we sacrificing making huge

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Speaker 1: unhealthy sacrifices and other areas of our lives to look

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Speaker 1: a certain way? Are these consequences of our behaviors dangerous?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think a lot of us have probably

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Speaker 1: heard of the TV show Botched, and I've only been

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Speaker 1: able to watch like a handful of episodes because it

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Speaker 1: one I can't watch that kind of like medical stuff

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Speaker 1: in too. I feel really sad when I watch it

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Speaker 1: because we see how people go to extremes to change

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Speaker 1: the way they look. For a lot of people, that

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Speaker 1: causes them a lot of health risks, and there are

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Speaker 1: extreme consequences that affect the quality of their lives. And

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Speaker 1: so that's a red flag and that's I think one

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Speaker 1: of the ways you would be able to know is

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Speaker 1: this actually worth it? Is this a bad thing? And

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Speaker 1: I will say this as someone who loves to dye

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Speaker 1: my hair. My hair color is not natural and I've

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Speaker 1: went blonde a couple of years ago that I'm what

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Speaker 1: do they call it boliage? I don't know. I don't

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Speaker 1: know how to say hair things. But like I've done

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Speaker 1: a lot of different stuff to my hair, have dyed

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Speaker 1: of purple, all the different things. And I've also had

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Speaker 1: microblading done, which is I guess it's like tattoo in

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Speaker 1: your eyebrows. I don't know what if that fits. I

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Speaker 1: don't know. Shout out to vide by Megan, who is

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Speaker 1: actually the one who did my eyebrows. And I am

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Speaker 1: somebody who loves that. I think that's fun. I'm also

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Speaker 1: someone who will go dates without putting makeup on or

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Speaker 1: doing my hair. I mean, you guys probably have all

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Speaker 1: seen one day I have my hair curled on my Instagram.

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Speaker 1: One day it's in like a top knot, and like

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Speaker 1: my hair like looks like it's in right books because

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Speaker 1: I haven't brushed it. And I'm someone who will wear

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Speaker 1: like cute outfits and get ready every day, and then

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Speaker 1: I'm somebody who will wear leggings in a sweatshirt to

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Speaker 1: work for an entire week. So I say that because

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Speaker 1: looking put together, are looking a certain way doesn't ruin

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Speaker 1: my life. But sometimes I do find it really fun

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Speaker 1: to do that, and it's a way to express ourselves

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Speaker 1: and show individuality. Key, there's individuality. It is natural to

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Speaker 1: want to like what you look like, but that's it.

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Speaker 1: You get to decide if you like what you look like,

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Speaker 1: and you get to decide what's beautiful and good and

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Speaker 1: worthy and all that. You get to decide that, and

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Speaker 1: you get to create those standards, not the world around us.

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Speaker 1: And something else I would want you to think about

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Speaker 1: is does what we look like have the ability to

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Speaker 1: make or break how we feel about ourselves. I really

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Speaker 1: want that answer to be no. For y'all, because I

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Speaker 1: might be really put together and think that I look

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Speaker 1: like a beauty queen one day and the next day,

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Speaker 1: I like roll out of bed and I my hair

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Speaker 1: looks like it's in dreadlocks, and like my worthiness doesn't

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Speaker 1: change in either one of those circumstances. I am the

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Speaker 1: same human no matter what I look like. Now, do

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Speaker 1: I have fun putting together outfits? Sure do I have.

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Speaker 1: But when I get to roll out of bed and

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Speaker 1: go to work, also sure. But the real issue I

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Speaker 1: see is when people don't own up to things they

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Speaker 1: do to change the way they look, and then we

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Speaker 1: question ourselves and are like, why can't I wake up

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Speaker 1: and look like the way she looks like? Like whenever

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Speaker 1: that thing that I woke up like this came out? Like,

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Speaker 1: first of all, nobody just wakes up and looks like

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Speaker 1: they have a full face. Well, actually, I can't say that.

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Speaker 1: Maybe some people go to bed with makeup on. But

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Speaker 1: I think that a huge issue is the fact that

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Speaker 1: we look at other people and think that they just

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Speaker 1: look that way, not knowing that they have hair extensions,

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Speaker 1: or they have botox, or they have gotten microblade and

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Speaker 1: they have breastdown plants or they've gotten this plastic surgery

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Speaker 1: or whatever it is that they have. I mean a

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Speaker 1: million things, and none of those things are bad or wrong,

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Speaker 1: But I think the issue is we look at other

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Speaker 1: people thinking that they just look like that and we

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Speaker 1: look like this, when in reality, they've gone to extremes

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Speaker 1: to change what they look like, so we can't compare

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Speaker 1: ourselves to those people. So one thing I really do

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Speaker 1: encourage is when like do get fake hair extensions, Like,

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Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with that. But if somebody's like, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, how does your hair look like that? It

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Speaker 1: looks so good every day, just like their extensions, There's

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong to owning up to that. There's nothing wrong

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Speaker 1: with the fact that your hair naturally isn't that thick

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Speaker 1: and long. There's nothing wrong with that. That's one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons I really struggle with Instagram and modeling and

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Speaker 1: magazines and all that, because there's so much retouching and

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Speaker 1: people don't realize that what we're looking at isn't even

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Speaker 1: that person like, they don't even look that way. So

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Speaker 1: in my opinion, if we're going to get our eyebrows

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Speaker 1: micro bladed, then don't pretend like you're born with those

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Speaker 1: perfect thick, bushy eyebrows and to get our hair done.

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Speaker 1: Don't pretend like we just have perfect roots all the time.

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Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with doing any of that stuff. But

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Speaker 1: the thing that I think creates a problem is when

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Speaker 1: we have to go to extremes to do it, and

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Speaker 1: then it causes us actual like consequences in our lives,

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Speaker 1: and when we pretend like we didn't do that, that

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Speaker 1: perpetuates the issues of like, why don't I look like this?

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Speaker 1: Everybody else looks like that? And that's why On Instagram,

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Speaker 1: I think there's been like I don't know if it's

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Speaker 1: a trend, but a lot of people are doing that

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Speaker 1: thing where it shows two sides of your face, one

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Speaker 1: with a alterned one without, Like I have stopped using

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Speaker 1: that smooth face filter because it tricks me. It makes

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Speaker 1: me think that my face really looked like that at

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Speaker 1: some point, and then I go back and see those videos,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, why isn't my face look like this anymore?

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Speaker 1: But it's because my face never looked like that. So

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Speaker 1: all not to say I'm fine with people doing all

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Speaker 1: those things, but you really got a question the intentionality.

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Speaker 1: Don't lie about it, and if it's causing you health

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Speaker 1: issues or real consequences in your life if the benefits

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Speaker 1: don't outweigh the cost. And we really got to see,

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Speaker 1: like why are we going to these extremes and just

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Speaker 1: be honest and real with it. You're allowed to have

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Speaker 1: fun playing with different looks and styles and and all

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Speaker 1: of that, but oh no, but like we all wake

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Speaker 1: up with like pimples on our faces and I like that, Um,

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Speaker 1: Hannah Ellis who did the episode with us about skin,

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Speaker 1: It's like we all have pores, like normalized pores, Like

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Speaker 1: are none of our faces look like well they shouldn't

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Speaker 1: look We need pores. They do something for our face.

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Speaker 1: So this is long winded in't am rambling, but I

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Speaker 1: think you guys get the gist of that by now.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for that question. I think that was really

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Speaker 1: really a thoughtful, good question to ask a second question.

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Speaker 1: So I know it is possible to be happy for

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Speaker 1: someone's success, whatever it may be a new relationship, pregnancy, job, school, etcetera.

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Speaker 1: Well at the same time being in pain for yourself.

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Speaker 1: Just because I'm happy for them doesn't mean that for

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Speaker 1: this season I have the strength to be around it now.

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Speaker 1: My lack of involvement is actually causing them pain, which

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Speaker 1: in turn causes me more pain. It's a mess. I'm

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Speaker 1: in therapy. But anyway, if you have any advice on

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Speaker 1: how to navigate these weird times, I would love to

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Speaker 1: hear it. This is also great because we did talk

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Speaker 1: about how like on the podcast. I don't know what

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Speaker 1: episode it was, but how like I can be really

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Speaker 1: happy for um, Let's say my friend is getting married

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Speaker 1: and I can be really happy for her finding that person,

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Speaker 1: or my friends having a baby and she's pregnant, and

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Speaker 1: I can be really happy for her that she's getting that.

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Speaker 1: But maybe at the same time, like I just went

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Speaker 1: through a breakup, or like I've been single for a while,

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Speaker 1: or I've been having infertility issues, we can be happy

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Speaker 1: and and sad for ourselves at the same time. And

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Speaker 1: what I hear is that you're creating a boundary in

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Speaker 1: the sense that I don't have the ability to be

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Speaker 1: around them all the time and that and then they

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Speaker 1: have a feeling around it. This speaks so much to

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Speaker 1: the codependency episode that came out on Monday. Then I

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Speaker 1: would really recommend anybody who is resonating with this question

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Speaker 1: to listen to because what I hear is their feelings

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Speaker 1: in turn caused me feelings, and that really stems from

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Speaker 1: a lack of internal boundaries, because when it comes down

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Speaker 1: to it, we cannot control somebody else's feelings in their

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Speaker 1: behavior and all of their stuff, But we can't can

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Speaker 1: control not our feelings, but us and what we do

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Speaker 1: with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with somebody

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Speaker 1: being upset about us not being there for them. That's

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Speaker 1: not being able to be there for them. But just

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Speaker 1: because they're upset doesn't mean you're doing something bad or wrong.

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Speaker 1: And that's what we have to create a boundary around of,

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Speaker 1: like reminding ourselves that, like it's okay for me to

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Speaker 1: take care of myself first, here that it's okay for

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Speaker 1: you to take care of yourself first. And in codependency work,

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Speaker 1: one of the things you do is really learn how

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Speaker 1: to find like value and and prioritize ourselves above other

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Speaker 1: everybody else, because when we're codependent, we don't do that.

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Speaker 1: My recommendation for you would to be maybe bring up

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Speaker 1: codependency and the idea of it to your therapist and

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Speaker 1: see what she thinks about that and have a conversation

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Speaker 1: about that. I also would recommend reading those two books.

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Speaker 1: I recommended Codependent No More and Facing Codependency. Those are

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Speaker 1: really really great books and that might help you navigate

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Speaker 1: some of the stuff. I say that knowing that this

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Speaker 1: is not easy, and I'm with you in that, and

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Speaker 1: I'm going through some of those things. There's plenty of

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Speaker 1: people in my life that have things that I wish

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Speaker 1: that I've had or I wish that I do have.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes I can show up for a limited amount

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Speaker 1: of time. Sometimes I can't show up at all, and

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Speaker 1: I have to really care for myself well, knowing that,

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Speaker 1: like if somebody has a feeling about my behavior, that's

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Speaker 1: actually a behavior that is about caring for myself, I

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Speaker 1: can't do anything about that. And it doesn't mean I'm

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Speaker 1: bad or wrong. It actually means that, like I'm doing

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Speaker 1: a good job of being kind to myself. So I

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Speaker 1: know that doesn't wrap everything up in a nice bow,

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Speaker 1: But like, do I ever do that on here? I

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Speaker 1: don't think I do. All right, So last question, And

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Speaker 1: I feel like I've been talking about this a lot lately,

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Speaker 1: but I'm just gonna answer it again because I think

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Speaker 1: that it keeps coming up. And obviously, you guys are

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Speaker 1: wanting some help. So this person wrote, I'm not sure

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Speaker 1: if you've addressed this question on your podcast yet, but

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Speaker 1: I'm in need of a counselor and have been struggling

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Speaker 1: to find one that's a great fit for me. What

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Speaker 1: are your recommendations for finding a therapist. I'm a self

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Speaker 1: pay patient. I don't have an option to just try

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Speaker 1: out a bunch of therapists before I find the right one. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so I will say I want to say this again,

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Speaker 1: I am not somebody that's going to be able to

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Speaker 1: give everybody who messages me a recommendation for a therapist,

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Speaker 1: especially if you don't live a natural I don't know

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Speaker 1: people in other areas, like I don't have that big

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Speaker 1: of a network of therapists. Maybe one day I will,

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Speaker 1: but right now I don't, and I don't also have

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Speaker 1: the capacity to answer every email and give everybody a recommendation.

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Speaker 1: So what I did a couple of months ago was

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Speaker 1: I created a thread on the at You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast that gave tips on how to find a therapist.

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Speaker 1: So I'm going to just go through those tips and

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Speaker 1: then we're gonna talk about it. The first thing I

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Speaker 1: would do when you're trying to figure out if you

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Speaker 1: want to go to therapy and how to find a

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Speaker 1: therapist is ask yourself what you want to get out

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Speaker 1: of therapy. This will help leed you to what kind

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Speaker 1: of therapists you want, and all in parentheses. Good therapists

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Speaker 1: don't treat everything. So for example, if you need help

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Speaker 1: with grief, addiction, relational issues, maybe anxiety, maybe an eat disorder,

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Speaker 1: you will want a therapist that works well with those things. Now,

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Speaker 1: also in that, it's okay if you don't know what

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Speaker 1: you're looking for to It's just a helpful place to start.

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Speaker 1: So if you can start with that, I would start

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Speaker 1: with that. Then I would ask around. So do you

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Speaker 1: have a friend that works in the mental health field,

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Speaker 1: ask them, do you have a friend who goes to therapy?

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Speaker 1: Ask them. You might not want to see their therapist

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Speaker 1: because of boundaries, but their therapists might have a recommendation

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Speaker 1: for somebody in your area. Number three, Google use the Internet,

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Speaker 1: so their websites like psychology Today, dot com that are

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Speaker 1: dedicated mental health directories. And if you find someone on there,

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Speaker 1: just do your research because we can all put a

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Speaker 1: profile up there. Just do your research, read their bio.

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Speaker 1: If they have a website, take a tour, check out

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Speaker 1: their vibe to see if it's something you may find

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Speaker 1: yourself connecting with. If there's reviews, read reviews. Keep in

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Speaker 1: mind though, that a good fit for one person maybe

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Speaker 1: a terrible fit for another. It doesn't mean the therapist

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Speaker 1: is bad or the client is bad. It just means

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Speaker 1: that they're not a fit, and not everybody can be

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Speaker 1: a fit. Therapists are just like the relational things. So

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Speaker 1: some people love seeing me and I've had people that

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Speaker 1: haven't loved it, And that doesn't really mean anything other

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Speaker 1: than the fact that connecting and having relationships isn't the

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Speaker 1: same for everybody. It's not a one size fits all

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Speaker 1: four beware of sticker shock. So reputal therapists and larger

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Speaker 1: cities can cost anywhere from like a hundred dollars to

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Speaker 1: three and fifty dollars depending on where you are, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of those therapists don't take insurance, So before

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Speaker 1: you run away, I would encourage you to one ascid

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Speaker 1: therapist if they have any sliding skills spots, and if

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Speaker 1: they don't, if they can put you on a wait list,

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Speaker 1: and then call your insurance and ask if they can

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Speaker 1: reimburse you for mental health services. So like I don't

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Speaker 1: take insurance, but I can give clients something called a

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Speaker 1: super bill and then they can submit it to their

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Speaker 1: insurance and possibly be reimbursed. Now I don't have anything

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Speaker 1: to do with that outside of giving them that form,

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Speaker 1: but that is a possibility, so I would check into it,

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Speaker 1: and then that's not an option. There are a lot

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Speaker 1: of places I know in Nashville. There's a place called

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Speaker 1: The Refuge, which is somewhere that does just all sliding

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Speaker 1: scale appointments and so basically your fee is based on

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Speaker 1: your income. So see if you can find a place

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Speaker 1: like that in your area. And then the last thing

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Speaker 1: is just try them out. Go to a first session

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Speaker 1: with an open mind. You aren't setting your life away.

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Speaker 1: If you don't like them, you don't have to go back,

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Speaker 1: and you can try someone else. But I would recommend

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Speaker 1: not just leaving after the first session unless there's like

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Speaker 1: a huge red flag that pops up, because sometimes it

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Speaker 1: takes a little bit to get into it, and fort

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Speaker 1: sessions can be really weird. Now I know this person

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Speaker 1: that said I'm self paid, don't have the option to

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Speaker 1: try various therapists before I find the one right one

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Speaker 1: that's right. And I mean some therapists might do like

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Speaker 1: a ten minute like screen call that might be helpful,

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Speaker 1: but a lot of people don't have time to do that.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you just got to commit to it. And I

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Speaker 1: know that's hard. It feels harsh saying that, but I

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Speaker 1: mean that in the fact that, like, it might not

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Speaker 1: be an option for you to find the perfect fit

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Speaker 1: and know that it's the perfect fit before you try

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Speaker 1: them out. It just might not be an option. So

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Speaker 1: you can ask if they'll do like a screen or

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Speaker 1: or a five or ten minute phone call, but just

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Speaker 1: know that that probably is less likely, but it could happen.

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Speaker 1: So all I meant to say, here are your tips

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Speaker 1: if you need somebody or you want to find somebody

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Speaker 1: in your area. That and you can go back on

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Speaker 1: my page you need therapy podcast and you can look

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Speaker 1: at this again so you can read the tips. Good

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Speaker 1: luck to everybody who's out there in the fight to

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Speaker 1: find a therapist. I appreciate you and I think what

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Speaker 1: you're doing is great. Um And hopefully that helped. And

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Speaker 1: that wraps up this episode of couch Talks. Again, if

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Speaker 1: you have questions, you can send them to Catherine at

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast dot com, and I look forward

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Speaker 1: to talking to you guys again next Monday,