WEBVTT - The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 7

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<v Speaker 1>Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Think Johnny, Think,

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<v Speaker 1>good Night, Podstar, Crossed Sandwiches, good Night Healthcare, Timothy Nelson,

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<v Speaker 1>good night, Twitter follower. I'm seeing a co reporting situation.

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<v Speaker 1>I had saved the show, but at what price? I

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<v Speaker 1>guess you could say I've always enjoyed sandwiches, whispers Timothy Nelson.

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<v Speaker 1>He leans into the studio microphone with eyes shut. He

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<v Speaker 1>is being soulful, and I want to die. I've been

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<v Speaker 1>interviewing this man for the past five and a half

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<v Speaker 1>hours as he meticulously recounts the tedious backstory to a

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<v Speaker 1>subway sandwich order from the night in question. He is

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<v Speaker 1>walking me through what feels like a real time history

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<v Speaker 1>of his sandwich eating habits. We've devoted over an hour

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<v Speaker 1>to his love of open face sandwiches as a boy.

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<v Speaker 1>Discovering peeda pockets in his twenties was another hour, Pannini's

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<v Speaker 1>in his thirties, an hour and a half. And I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know how long we talked about tuna melts under

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<v Speaker 1>the studio table. My fingernails dig into the palm of

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<v Speaker 1>my hand. I don't think I can endure much more.

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<v Speaker 1>And then there's Olive's Timothy Nelson says with a sly grin.

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<v Speaker 1>You see, when I first discovered them at the tender

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<v Speaker 1>age of five, they looked like marbles, and so of

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<v Speaker 1>course I enjoyed shoving them up my nose. They felt

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<v Speaker 1>good up there. It is the longest, most in depth

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<v Speaker 1>interview of my career, all in service to an idiot's

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<v Speaker 1>tale a man orders a sand and receives the wrong one.

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<v Speaker 1>But after extensive test marketing with influencers from Generation double

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<v Speaker 1>Z and other key demographics, the haircuts on the advertising

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<v Speaker 1>team have seized on Nelson's story, calling it immensely relatable

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<v Speaker 1>and honest but truthful, as well as brand safe. They've

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<v Speaker 1>even hired a professional fashion photographer to shoot Nelson and

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<v Speaker 1>I quote hanging out. The most punishing photographic tableau features

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<v Speaker 1>us spooning each other on a custom made six foot

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<v Speaker 1>long baguette. By the time I hit my thirties, continues

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<v Speaker 1>Timothy Nelson heroes became a staple roast beef cheese slaw,

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<v Speaker 1>ham salad, chicken salad, grilled chicken salad, which leads us

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<v Speaker 1>to the night of the Crisscross sandwiches. I said, exasperated,

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<v Speaker 1>oh no, he retorts. My discovery of heroes came years

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<v Speaker 1>before that night, and I only got into subway sandwiches

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<v Speaker 1>in my forties. So much comes before Giro's burrito's. Not

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<v Speaker 1>to mention non burrito raps. It's really quite fascinating how

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<v Speaker 1>many different kinds of raps there are. Can we get

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<v Speaker 1>to the night in question? I bark, My patience completely eroded.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just trying to set the stage, Timothy Nelson shouts.

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<v Speaker 1>Back Stage setting is a key part of storytelling. So

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<v Speaker 1>is keeping your interviewer from falling into an anger sleep.

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<v Speaker 1>I say, just let me tell the story the way

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<v Speaker 1>it needs to be told, says Nelson. It needs to

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<v Speaker 1>be told to a psychiatrist. I shriek, possibly the jailhouse kind.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know why I ever let Alex talk me

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<v Speaker 1>in into this fiasco, yells Timothy Nelson, talk you into it?

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<v Speaker 1>I ask, I can't believe the depths to which I've sunk,

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<v Speaker 1>and you call yourself an interviewer, christ Timothy Nelson, I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like I'm talking to a cactus, and abnormally stupid cactus.

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<v Speaker 1>Just as I'm about to scream in Timothy Nelson's face

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<v Speaker 1>that I hate him, hate everything about him that I

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<v Speaker 1>have hated him before I even knew him, hated him

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<v Speaker 1>when he was just an innocent child. I catch sight

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<v Speaker 1>of the recording light, which is not on. In fact,

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<v Speaker 1>it is off. We've not been recording. I whisper, my

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<v Speaker 1>voice hoarse. What Nelson asks, We've just spent the past

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<v Speaker 1>six hours, I say, pretending to have a delightful conversation

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<v Speaker 1>about your stomach turning culinary habits for absolute lutely no reason.

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<v Speaker 1>Because you never hit record. My eyes tear up and

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<v Speaker 1>my jaw starts to twitch. I never hit record. Timothy

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<v Speaker 1>Nelson repeats, that's rich. You're supposed to be the interviewer,

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<v Speaker 1>you cactus. It's your job to press record. Energy drinks

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<v Speaker 1>and raspberry wine coolers litter the floor beneath Timothy Nelson's feet.

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<v Speaker 1>The room is thick with the smell of our body odor,

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<v Speaker 1>though neither of us can detect it, as we've not

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<v Speaker 1>smelled fresh air in six hours. All for nothing. This

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<v Speaker 1>is a bad dream, I babble. I gave up my

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<v Speaker 1>two year old son's first ukulele lesson for this. I

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<v Speaker 1>passed up my best friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas,

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<v Speaker 1>says Timothy Nelson. We had back Street Boys tickets. We

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<v Speaker 1>stare at each other, breathing hard, when suddenly, like the

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<v Speaker 1>bear from the Revenant, Timothy Nelson is upon me, and

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<v Speaker 1>I am upon Timothy Nelson as he tries to lock

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<v Speaker 1>my head, I, like the bear from the House at

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<v Speaker 1>Pooh Corner, attempt to bear hug his waist. For but

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<v Speaker 1>a moment, we are locked in a nauseatingly intimate embrace

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<v Speaker 1>before we crash into the shelves, knocking over a series

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<v Speaker 1>of non heavyweight related peabody statuettes, some rolls of Gimblet's

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<v Speaker 1>promotional toilet paper three ply all, and several heavy sacks

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<v Speaker 1>of money bearing the Spotify logo. It's enough of a

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<v Speaker 1>racket to cause several Gimlet employees and adjacent studios to

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<v Speaker 1>come rushing in. Timothy Nelson and I separate. Nothing to

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<v Speaker 1>see here, I say, adjusting the collar on my shirt.

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<v Speaker 1>One too many cider jacks, says Nelson. The gathering crowd

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<v Speaker 1>stands around, holding their noses and gawking at us, until,

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<v Speaker 1>in a puff of sea breeze and sandalwood, Bloomberg suddenly appears.

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<v Speaker 1>Everybody scatters fellas he cries, there's no time for horseplay.

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<v Speaker 1>We have a season premiere rap party to think of.

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<v Speaker 1>We are going to have a tastefully appointed fountain overflowing

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<v Speaker 1>with Miller High Life, the Champagne of beers. It's going

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<v Speaker 1>to be so exclusive that even invited guests will only

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<v Speaker 1>learn of it the day after it happens, and even

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<v Speaker 1>then only on title. I guess I did overreact a little,

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<v Speaker 1>says Timothy Nelson, extending his hand. Just thinking of all

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<v Speaker 1>the horrible Timothy Nelson related nooks and crannies this hand

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<v Speaker 1>is ventured, is enough to make my abdominal pips wilt.

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<v Speaker 1>But there was Bloomberg so full of hope for the

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<v Speaker 1>sponsorship deals, in ancillary revenues, licensing opportunities, and marketing hooks,

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<v Speaker 1>but also for the story of this cursed subway sandwich.

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<v Speaker 1>I should never have tried to strike you, I say,

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<v Speaker 1>accepting Nelson's hand. Bloomberg exits the studio, leaving Timothy Nelson

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<v Speaker 1>and I alone. We eye each other warily, and each

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<v Speaker 1>take our seats. Nelson behind the guest Mic and I

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<v Speaker 1>behind the host Mike, and then I press the record button.

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<v Speaker 1>I guess you could say I've always enjoyed sandwiches, says

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<v Speaker 1>Timothy Nelson as my pips explode in chapter seven of

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<v Speaker 1>the Heavyweight Diaries. The next season of Heavyweight will begin

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<v Speaker 1>in two weeks on September twenty sixth. Remember if you

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<v Speaker 1>don't listen to Heavyweight on Spotify, Jim Gimblet's head of

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<v Speaker 1>finance and Operations will tan my Canadian hide. But good.

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<v Speaker 1>Heavyweight is me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Jorge just Stevie Lane,

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<v Speaker 1>Khalila Holt, and Va Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger,

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<v Speaker 1>music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring,

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<v Speaker 1>performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have

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<v Speaker 1>the final chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week