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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode, back for another topic.

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Speaker 1: Before we get started today, I just wanted to let

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Speaker 1: you guys know that I have a Patreon and I

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Speaker 1: would really appreciate if you considered supporting the show. It

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Speaker 1: is just me on this end of the microphone writing

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Speaker 1: our episodes, researching them, recording them, editing them, and it's

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Speaker 1: a lot of work, so I really appreciate all the

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Speaker 1: added support, additional support that you lovely listeners am my

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Speaker 1: amazing psychology community choose to contribute, so have a look

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Speaker 1: over there for bonus content, transcripts, early access to episodes,

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Speaker 1: and so much more. And as always, if you have

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Speaker 1: an episode suggestion or just any ideas on what we're discussing,

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Speaker 1: any of your own thoughts or inputs, you can DM

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Speaker 1: me at that Psychology Podcast. But back to the episode,

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Speaker 1: we are going pretty deep today. We are bearing all

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Speaker 1: with possibly one of the hardest questions I think we

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Speaker 1: have to ask ourselves in a relationship, when we know

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Speaker 1: it isn't working, When is it time to walk away?

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Speaker 1: When do we know that it's over? I know this

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Speaker 1: is a question that can haunt a lot of us,

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Speaker 1: maybe has haunted us in the past, especially when we

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Speaker 1: don't want to let go, but we know that we should.

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Speaker 1: We know that there are really valid reasons behind this

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Speaker 1: got instinct that we're having. So what I really want

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Speaker 1: to do is use this episode to provide some of

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Speaker 1: the psychology and the research that indicates when and why

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Speaker 1: certain relationships don't work, what keeps us holding on, and

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Speaker 1: the reasons we ignore those warning signs or the reasons

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Speaker 1: we ignore reasons to leave, not just bad but also

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Speaker 1: some of the more neutral reasons, like just not feeling

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Speaker 1: fulfilled or happy. I think ultimately, our twenties are not

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Speaker 1: meant to be spent worrying if someone is right for

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Speaker 1: us or it should not be spent I guess in

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Speaker 1: a relationship that is shrouded in doubt. So if that

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Speaker 1: is you right now, firstly, my heart goes out to you,

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Speaker 1: but I also hope that this episode gives you the

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Speaker 1: guidance that you're looking for at this kind of fork

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Speaker 1: in the road. Like I said before, I think the

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Speaker 1: reason I really wanted to tackle this topic today is

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Speaker 1: because I think one of the hardest dilemmas we have

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Speaker 1: to face is whether to walk away from someone you

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Speaker 1: still love because you know the relationship isn't right for you,

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Speaker 1: because you know you deserve more, or you are just

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Speaker 1: at your core not happy. And that decision, or even

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Speaker 1: that line of questioning, that doubt, it can come up

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Speaker 1: for a lot of reasons. Maybe the passion isn't there anymore,

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Speaker 1: there's a lack of effort, you're growing apart, you have

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Speaker 1: different futures, you're fighting all the time, and then again

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Speaker 1: also things that are more insidious, like cheating or emotional

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Speaker 1: and physical abuse. But I also think, and I saw

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Speaker 1: someone say something very similar to this the other day,

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Speaker 1: and I couldn't agree more. Your relationship doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be toxic. Your partner does not have to be terrible

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Speaker 1: or be a bad person for you to want to leave.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be a relationship that is marked

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Speaker 1: by fights or even abuse or irreconcilable differences. It can

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Speaker 1: just be unfulfilling. You can just be wanting more, and

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Speaker 1: I think just being unhappy or exhausted is a valid

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Speaker 1: reason if this isn't what you want, if you know

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Speaker 1: that you're drained or unsatisfied. You don't have to stay

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Speaker 1: with someone just because you have a history, or because

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Speaker 1: they treat you really well, or you have your family

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Speaker 1: or friend's approval for this person in your life. That's

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Speaker 1: something that I think keeps us very stuck. We think

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Speaker 1: there needs to be some problem or some fault for

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Speaker 1: us to end things. But really, at the end of

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Speaker 1: the day, it's your life. This is your time. These

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Speaker 1: are your days to prioritize your well being. And you

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Speaker 1: don't want to look back in ten years time, in

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Speaker 1: a year's time and realize that you wasted time being

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Speaker 1: with perhaps the wrong person, just because you are maybe

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Speaker 1: scared to upset others or maybe just scared of being lonely.

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Speaker 1: Please please, from me to you, do not waste the

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Speaker 1: best years of your life on someone who isn't right

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Speaker 1: for you. That is something that you will regret. As

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Speaker 1: someone who has been there, done that, got the T shirt,

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Speaker 1: and who still does see all the good in my

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Speaker 1: previous relationships and all the amazing growth that they've given me,

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Speaker 1: I still wish time and time again that I had

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Speaker 1: left earlier. Basically, what I'm trying to communicate is that

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Speaker 1: there can be a myriad of reasons, but in that moment,

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Speaker 1: what you're going through is going to feel so deeply

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Speaker 1: personal and conflicting. I think often we can also feel

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Speaker 1: stuck in kind of what we would call a processing

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Speaker 1: loop or a thought spiral to end things or not,

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Speaker 1: and contemplating what that might mean for us, How will

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Speaker 1: we move forward, what next? Where do you go from here?

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Speaker 1: It's this concept of the what ifs that I think

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Speaker 1: really haunt us. What if things just get better? What

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Speaker 1: if I make a mistake by making this decision? What

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Speaker 1: if I hurt this person? And a bit one is

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Speaker 1: what if I leave them and they treat the next

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Speaker 1: person exactly how I wanted to be treated. That's a

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Speaker 1: really big one for a lot of us. Knowing that

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Speaker 1: this individual who you might still love will inevitably at

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Speaker 1: some stage no longer be part of your life and

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Speaker 1: will probably find someone you live a life without you,

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Speaker 1: And I think that's something that we can't cope with.

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Speaker 1: That uncertainty, that unknowing. We never enter into a relationship

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Speaker 1: thinking that it's going to end. These what if thoughts,

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Speaker 1: they can become quite intrusive and result in a lot

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Speaker 1: of overall anxiety, things like trouble falling asleep, having a

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Speaker 1: hard time concentrating because you are weighing up every answer,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you also just wait patiently for things to change.

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Speaker 1: You know, deep down in your gut, at the core

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Speaker 1: of your intuition, you know what you need to do.

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Speaker 1: That is a reminder that I want you to take

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Speaker 1: from this today. There is always some impulse, some fear

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Speaker 1: that holds us back. And here's the thing I think

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Speaker 1: sometimes we think that intuition is not a particularly scientific, valid,

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Speaker 1: reliable concept or idea, But there is a growing body

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Speaker 1: of evidence that suggests that humans are born with this

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Speaker 1: very basic emotionally intuitive ability, this ability to immediately respond

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Speaker 1: to something that is highly emotionally potent or arousing, and

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Speaker 1: we respond with a decision or an interpretation that is correct.

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Speaker 1: We know what is right and wrong even without thinking

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Speaker 1: about it, you know, thoroughly, even without contemplating every single option.

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Speaker 1: You know, for example, watching your partner across the room

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Speaker 1: talking to your friends and realizing that they're not the

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Speaker 1: one that got instinct can be correct because the stomach

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Speaker 1: and the heart, they contain a significant amount of neural tissue,

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Speaker 1: and that neural tissue is connected to the brain. It's

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Speaker 1: called the gut brain and heart brain axis. And we

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Speaker 1: know that neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine and serotonin, they

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Speaker 1: will influence cognitive processes, and they will influence our decision

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Speaker 1: making and our emotions, and those biochemical signals also contribute

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Speaker 1: to our intuitive responses. Basically, sometimes you are correct to

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Speaker 1: trust your gut when it comes to things like this.

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Speaker 1: I also want to make the final point that your

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Speaker 1: twenties are not the time to be in a relationship

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Speaker 1: that is not fulfilling you, or that is just incredibly

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Speaker 1: hard work or putting your wellbeing or your other relationships,

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Speaker 1: your friendships understrain. That time for self sacrificing and that

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Speaker 1: level of commitment. It will come, it will come one day,

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Speaker 1: But right now, I think if you have doubts, that

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Speaker 1: is a huge warning sign, and it's a that you

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Speaker 1: already know what your answer is to that question when

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Speaker 1: is it time to walk away? So let's also break

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Speaker 1: down some of the other key reasons or indicators after

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Speaker 1: this short break. So I want to outline how we

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Speaker 1: know when it's time to walk away. If you have

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Speaker 1: your doubts or a gut instinct that this relationship is

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Speaker 1: not right for you, Hopefully some of these reasons can

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Speaker 1: confirm or maybe deny your intuition. Firstly, if you just

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Speaker 1: don't love them anymore and that connection is gone, the

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Speaker 1: things that you used to adore about them no longer

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Speaker 1: make you excited or passionate or interested, I think that

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Speaker 1: is a huge indicator. Love is sometimes a bit of

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Speaker 1: a fickle emotion, and obviously it's impossible to be in

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Speaker 1: the active state of love all the time. A reaction

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Speaker 1: an emotion like this, I don't think it can be

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Speaker 1: sustained at that level of intensity for so long. But

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Speaker 1: it's about more so those quiet moments when you sit

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Speaker 1: and think about your partner, when you pause and you

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Speaker 1: focus on all the things you like about them, your

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Speaker 1: shared memories. Do you still love them in that moment?

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Speaker 1: Do you still love them? Do they make you feel

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Speaker 1: happy and special and warm, or have they kind of

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Speaker 1: just become a secondary character in your life? An acquaintance.

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Speaker 1: There's two things I want to say about this point though. Firstly,

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Speaker 1: I think love is something I do think that we

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Speaker 1: can work on. But the question to ask yourself is

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Speaker 1: is that really the kind of work that you're willing

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Speaker 1: to do right now? And I think that's a question

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Speaker 1: I can't answer for you. That is entirely personal. Are

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Speaker 1: you willing to make efforts to fall back in love

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Speaker 1: with your partner? I also think that you can still

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Speaker 1: deeply love someone and know that the relationship isn't right

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Speaker 1: for the both of you. Love is kind of seen

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Speaker 1: as this very irrational for many reasons, and I think

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Speaker 1: this is one of them. You can love someone and

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Speaker 1: still know that the conditions of your relationship are not

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Speaker 1: what you want them to be. You can still be

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Speaker 1: annoyed by their actions, or feel the attraction fading, or

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Speaker 1: just know that it's not going to make you happier

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Speaker 1: for much longer. You know that you deserve better. Sometimes also,

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Speaker 1: the things that we initially really loved and adored about

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Speaker 1: someone can come to be the reason that we fall

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Speaker 1: out of love. It's this idea known as fatal attraction theory,

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Speaker 1: and what it argues is that what attracts us to

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Speaker 1: your partner in the first place is often the reason

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Speaker 1: that the relationship ends. So they've done a few studies

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Speaker 1: on this. In one of them, a researcher recruited I

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Speaker 1: think around three hundred university students and she asked them

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Speaker 1: to list the qualities that attracted them to their former partner,

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Speaker 1: and then they were asked to list the qualities in

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Speaker 1: their partner that led to the breakup. She found that

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Speaker 1: thirty percent in thirty percent of those cases, those traits

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Speaker 1: were the exact same ones. And some of the common

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Speaker 1: ones were being with someone who is initially really fun

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Speaker 1: and spontaneous, but in the long run, as you think

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Speaker 1: about the future, what it sometimes means is that they

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Speaker 1: really can't take anything seriously, or they're very unpredictable, or

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Speaker 1: maybe you are seeking a partner who seems really strong

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Speaker 1: and assertive, but that can become quite uncompromising or authoritarian.

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Speaker 1: Our perception of these character traits the ones that we

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Speaker 1: desire in a partner. They will change over time, especially

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Speaker 1: as we mature, and we also change as people, and

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Speaker 1: that is why we can sometimes fall out of love

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Speaker 1: with the person that we once adored. And that's really okay,

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Speaker 1: that's really natural, especially when we are young, especially when

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Speaker 1: like most of us, we are in our twenties, and

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Speaker 1: it kind of goes without saying that a lot of

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Speaker 1: us don't really know what we're looking for yet. I

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Speaker 1: think a big tell that this has potentially occurred in

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Speaker 1: your relationship is if you no longer want to spend

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Speaker 1: time with your person. Common interests and a desire to

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Speaker 1: spend time together. They are some of the main predictors

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Speaker 1: of the success of a relationship in the long term,

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Speaker 1: and often one of the most important factors that is

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Speaker 1: going to indicate just a basic underlying attraction or longevity

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Speaker 1: of the relationship. So if that drive towards each other

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Speaker 1: has faded, maybe you find yourself preferring to spend time

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Speaker 1: with your friends, or constantly postponing date nights or spending

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Speaker 1: time together because you don't really want to see them.

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Speaker 1: I think that's a very clear indicator that perhaps your

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Speaker 1: time together has come to an end. Secondly, another big

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Speaker 1: reason is if you no longer care what you're fighting

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Speaker 1: about or what you're fighting for. My mum always said

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Speaker 1: to me, you know the relationship is on the rocks

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Speaker 1: when you no longer feel the need to invest in

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Speaker 1: soul an argument when you are just resigned to the conflict,

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Speaker 1: because I think this indicates that you don't care about

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Speaker 1: the future of the relationship. Unconsciously, deep down, you kind

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Speaker 1: of know it's not worth the energy of a fight.

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Speaker 1: I think that the occasional disagreement or argument is actually

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Speaker 1: pretty healthy because it shows that you both care, You

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Speaker 1: have kept your own individual opinions, you have your own

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Speaker 1: emotional lives. And I obviously do not mean fights that

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Speaker 1: are hurtful or turn emotionally or even physically abusive. But

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Speaker 1: in every relationship, even friendships, you're not going to be

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent aligned on everything, and so sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: good to get that out there and to agree to

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Speaker 1: meet each other in that space of temporary conflict or disagreement.

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Speaker 1: There's actually this concept. I'm not sure if I'm a

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Speaker 1: fan of it, but I'm going to talk about it anyways.

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Speaker 1: It was termed by this man called Terry Reels normal

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Speaker 1: matrimonial hatred, And I know that sounds really intense, but

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Speaker 1: basically the premise is that every relationship is a reflection

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Speaker 1: of the spectrum of emotions that we are going to

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Speaker 1: feel as individuals, and sometimes that spectrum is going to

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Speaker 1: involve things like anger or frustration or even hatred, and

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Speaker 1: so being able to express those freely but in a

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Speaker 1: healthy way, one in which you're both invested in coming

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Speaker 1: to a solution or helping the other person is really,

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Speaker 1: really valuable. And maybe this is controversial, but like I said,

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Speaker 1: it's healthy to sometimes feel anger or frustration towards your partner,

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Speaker 1: obviously not to an irreparable degree. And I think when

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Speaker 1: you can't even be bothered to argue or be bothered

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Speaker 1: to fix those things, you just feel apathy, I think

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Speaker 1: that is a sign that it's time to walk away

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Speaker 1: from your relationship. Thirdly, if being with them is going

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Speaker 1: to or is currently taking you away from your own

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Speaker 1: life or your own dreams rather than elevating them, I

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Speaker 1: personally think it's time to leave now. I think this

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Speaker 1: is particularly important for those of us in our twenties,

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Speaker 1: because it is during this decade that we must be

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Speaker 1: in the business of cultivating our own independent lives. Your dreams,

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Speaker 1: your goals, your ambitions. Cannot wait for anyone, especially not

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Speaker 1: for someone you're not one hundred percent sure of, because

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Speaker 1: you risk throwing out some of the best years of

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Speaker 1: your life, regretting some of the decisions you didn't make

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Speaker 1: for a person who may one day just be a stranger.

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Speaker 1: If they are making you feel terrible about yourself or

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Speaker 1: they are keeping you from doing something you've always dreamed of,

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Speaker 1: I don't think that's it. For example, you know, if

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Speaker 1: you have an amazing job offered to move overseas or

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Speaker 1: to a new city, it's your dream job, but the

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Speaker 1: person you're with doesn't want to move or doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to do long distance and they're asking you to stay.

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Speaker 1: I think it's your duty to take that job, no

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Speaker 1: matter what they try and say. It is your duty

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Speaker 1: to claim your independence and your own dreams and really

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Speaker 1: just do what's best for you, to kind of protect

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Speaker 1: and be selfish with your golden years. And I know

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Speaker 1: that that is going to be a very hard decision.

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Speaker 1: I know that saying that and doing it is a

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Speaker 1: completely different thing. But this is your foundation. These are

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Speaker 1: your experiences, the ones that you will hopefully recount for

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Speaker 1: the rest of your life, the ones that will transform

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Speaker 1: your identity. And I really do believe that you need

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Speaker 1: the right person by your side in those moments, who

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Speaker 1: is willing to encourage you and be your biggest cheerleader.

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Speaker 1: I also think the best side of a healthy partner

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Speaker 1: is someone who wants good things for you more than

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Speaker 1: you do, who is going to inspire you to take

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Speaker 1: risks and follow your dreams, knowing that it might not

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Speaker 1: be what's best for them, but it's going to be

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Speaker 1: what's best for you because they are equally as invested

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Speaker 1: in your future. Also, you know, if this person is

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Speaker 1: your soulmate, not only will they a want what's best

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Speaker 1: for you, but who knows, maybe you will end up

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Speaker 1: together in the future. Maybe you'll come back together. I've

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Speaker 1: seen this happen with friends of mine who have broken

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Speaker 1: up with their partners because of big life changes, different goals,

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Speaker 1: and they've come back together later on a few years

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Speaker 1: down the track when they realized that they wanted this

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Speaker 1: person in their future and they were willing to make

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Speaker 1: it work. But I don't think it should require such

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Speaker 1: an intense, excessive degree of self sacrifice. I think this

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Speaker 1: regard for the future, your future, their future. It really

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Speaker 1: links to the next reason your values and your plans

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Speaker 1: for the future don't align. I think sometimes when we

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Speaker 1: are dating in our twenties, we feel like we are

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Speaker 1: going to be young and care free forever and that

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Speaker 1: we have all the time in the world, that time

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Speaker 1: is infinite. And maybe it's because I'm now in a

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Speaker 1: relationship with someone wonderful where thinking about the future does

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Speaker 1: not make me want to throw up, and I feel

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Speaker 1: that we are very aligned on some core things. But

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Speaker 1: that has really made me have this renewed belief in

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Speaker 1: the fact that compatibility is more than just physical chemistry.

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Speaker 1: You also need to have very core shared values and

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Speaker 1: be openly able to communicate about what that means for

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Speaker 1: the future, not just for your future as an individual,

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Speaker 1: but as a couple, especially if things are kind of

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Speaker 1: getting to that point of getting pretty serious, if that

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Speaker 1: vision is completely different, if they want kids and you

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00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,719
Speaker 1: want to go in solo travel and those experiences are

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Speaker 1: both core to your own beliefs and in ava values,

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Speaker 1: I don't think any amount of wishful thinking is going

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Speaker 1: to change either of your minds. It's something I'm learning

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Speaker 1: the older I get. You cannot change someone through love.

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Speaker 1: You just have to accept them for who they are

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Speaker 1: and hope they accept you as well, and hope that

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Speaker 1: it's a fit. Loving them more needing them more will

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Speaker 1: not alter what might be an ugly truth that deep

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Speaker 1: down you know that you are just different and if

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Speaker 1: one of you has to give up, perhaps what is

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Speaker 1: a huge life goal that can at times foster a

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Speaker 1: lot of resentment that may eventually erode your relationship in

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Speaker 1: the future. It's going to be a hard conversation, but

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Speaker 1: I think you both deserve to be with someone who

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Speaker 1: wants the same things, or maybe just be alone to

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Speaker 1: fulfill some of those lifelong dreams that you honestly owe

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Speaker 1: it to yourself to complete if you are trying too

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Speaker 1: hard now. I think there are two schools of thoughts

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Speaker 1: when it comes to relationships and this dimension of them.

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Speaker 1: One is that they should be easy, that they should

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Speaker 1: feel easy and safe. They shouldn't be hard work, they

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be a struggle. And the second school of thought

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Speaker 1: is that relationships require work. Like anything else in life.

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Speaker 1: You need to be invested and kind of willing to

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Speaker 1: put in the miles regardless of what you think. I

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Speaker 1: personally think neither is wrong, neither is right. You should

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Speaker 1: not be the only one putting in effort or trying

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Speaker 1: too hard to cling onto the relationship. If they don't

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Speaker 1: make you feel special, if they are not putting in

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Speaker 1: the time, if they are taking you for granted, that

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Speaker 1: is not it, That is not it. It's this very

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Speaker 1: core relationship principle in psychology known as reciprocity. Each partner

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Speaker 1: has to give back what the other one is putting in.

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Speaker 1: And when that becomes unbalanced, I think we begin to

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Speaker 1: feel really unappreciated, feel the foundation kind of crumbling, like

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00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:10,160
Speaker 1: we are constantly exhausted from that mental domestic emotional load.

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Speaker 1: The mental load is a really interesting concept here, and

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00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,480
Speaker 1: it properly deserves its own episode. But essentially, it's this

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Speaker 1: idea that one partner, and it's normally the woman takes

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Speaker 1: on a lot of the emotional and mental effort of

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Speaker 1: being responsible for thinking about, planning, organizing all parts of

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Speaker 1: the relationship and your life together. You are the one

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00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,320
Speaker 1: organizing dates, You're the one organizing weekend plans, what you're

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00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,800
Speaker 1: going to eat for dinner, where you're going to travel

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Speaker 1: to and whilst some people really enjoy this, for others

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Speaker 1: and I would say for most of us, we want

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Speaker 1: a partnership from our partner. We want to be able

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Speaker 1: to rely on them when we're tied, when we have

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Speaker 1: a lot to do, when we have a lot going on,

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Speaker 1: and if you have communicated that to them, and you've

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Speaker 1: communicated what you need, what you want, and they have

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Speaker 1: been uncompromising, unwilling to offer you that, not investing as

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Speaker 1: much as you are. I think that requires a really

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Speaker 1: hard look at the future of that relationship. One thing

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Speaker 1: you should keep in mind is this idea in psychology

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Speaker 1: known as equity theory, and it was first proposed in

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Speaker 1: the eighties and it's often used to understand relationship breakdown

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Speaker 1: and even at times things like infidelity or cheating. Our

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Speaker 1: relationships last when we believe that the relationship is equitable

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Speaker 1: and fair and that the distribution of labor and investment

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Speaker 1: is also equal. The longer that that becomes unbalanced, the

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Speaker 1: more the resentment builds, the more we are likely, as

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Speaker 1: this research says, to do things that perhaps undermine our

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Speaker 1: relationship or look for a way out. Also, if you

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00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,440
Speaker 1: are at this point, if you relate to this, ask yourself,

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Speaker 1: do you want to spend your twenties being someone's parent,

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00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 1: being their caregiver, cleaning up after them, feeling like you

393
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,879
Speaker 1: are not appreciated. If you're going to be in a relationship,

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00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:11,640
Speaker 1: let it be an adult one where you feel cared for,

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00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 1: that your needs are equally as important that they're happy

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00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 1: to occasionally take care of you and to do the

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Speaker 1: dishes or just the bare minimum. And my final reason,

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00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,960
Speaker 1: I think this reason is an absolute non negotiable. It

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00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,760
Speaker 1: is time to walk away if you are being disrespected

400
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 1: or you don't feel like this person treats you well enough.

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00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:40,040
Speaker 1: We all deserve a very standard, bare minimum level of treatment.

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00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 1: And sometimes that is not going to be what someone

403
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,880
Speaker 1: can offer you. And it's not always because they don't

404
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,159
Speaker 1: love you right. There may be other things going on.

405
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: Maybe your love languages don't align, maybe they're struggling with

406
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:59,479
Speaker 1: attachment issues, maybe you just haven't communicated enough. Those are

407
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,800
Speaker 1: things that I I think we can work through at times,

408
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,679
Speaker 1: like I said, if you're willing to do the work.

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00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 1: But then there are other behaviors that are absolute non negotiables.

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00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,040
Speaker 1: If they are being coercive, if they're asking you not

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00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:16,200
Speaker 1: to see your friends, controlling your behavior, belittling you, amongst

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00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,439
Speaker 1: so many other things, that is not the kind of

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00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,320
Speaker 1: relationship that you deserve or that you should be in

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00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,399
Speaker 1: at any age or stage of your life. These kinds

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00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:31,080
Speaker 1: of behaviors, this belittling, this making you feel bad about yourself,

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00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 1: perhaps even coercive control, needing you to constantly be there

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00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 1: for them if they need you. That does not come

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Speaker 1: from a place of love. Never. That comes from a

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00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:48,159
Speaker 1: place of selfishness and control and authority. And I really

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00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:50,320
Speaker 1: don't think that that is a place you need to

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00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:53,399
Speaker 1: be in. I know that it's still very difficult to

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00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,879
Speaker 1: make that decision to leave, because although we know that

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00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,159
Speaker 1: it's problematic, we are probably very much aware of how

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00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: this is making us feel. Those kinds of relationships that

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00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 1: are highly almost abusive, or bonded, or coercive or controlling,

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00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,879
Speaker 1: they create very deep trauma bonds, and they can also

427
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 1: feel and at times can be very dangerous to leave.

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00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 1: If you find you're not comfortable telling your family or

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00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 1: your friends how this person treats you, or that you

430
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: feel the need to protect them or hide certain parts

431
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 1: of your relationships, those are very clear early warning signs

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00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,760
Speaker 1: someone who loves you will treat you with respect. Period,

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00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,080
Speaker 1: end of discussion, it is time to leave. And I

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Speaker 1: also want to put some resources in the episode description.

435
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,320
Speaker 1: If this does apply to your situation, I wish I

436
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,119
Speaker 1: could talk about it more. But I also think that

437
00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:53,679
Speaker 1: that deserves its whole own singular episode for those of

438
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:56,080
Speaker 1: us who might be going through that. I think my

439
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,480
Speaker 1: perspective on ending a relationship, despite all of the what ifs,

440
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,640
Speaker 1: despite maybe still being in love with them, is that

441
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,920
Speaker 1: there will be a period of time where it's going

442
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 1: to hurt and it's going to be hard. But that

443
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 1: period of time can start now, or it can start

444
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,160
Speaker 1: in three months, or it can start in a year,

445
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 1: and you'll wish you'd done it earlier. You'll wish that

446
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,480
Speaker 1: you'd had given yourself more of that time to heal

447
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,920
Speaker 1: and move on. You wish that you claimed that time

448
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,480
Speaker 1: as your own. But there's no doubt that it's not

449
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,879
Speaker 1: an easy decision. So why is that? What are some

450
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:34,120
Speaker 1: of the psychological and emotional barriers to making this kind

451
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 1: of choice, one that we intuitively know might be necessary,

452
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 1: and yet we cannot seem to follow through. Well, that's

453
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,280
Speaker 1: what I want to talk about next, as well as

454
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 1: some of the ways to ease the pain, and some

455
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 1: encouragement for those of you still looking for the motivation.

456
00:27:52,240 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 1: So all of that and more after this shortbreak. Ending

457
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:07,399
Speaker 1: a relationship is painful, let's not sugarcoat that fact. And

458
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:11,000
Speaker 1: I think we often think that the person who's being

459
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:14,119
Speaker 1: broken up with is the only one who deserves to

460
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:18,120
Speaker 1: feel that grief and feel that pain. But making that decision,

461
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,080
Speaker 1: knowing what you might be giving up that this person

462
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,719
Speaker 1: will not be your person anymore, is a decision that

463
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:29,320
Speaker 1: brings its own unique set of emotions, including grief, including heartbreak,

464
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,520
Speaker 1: and maybe that stigmer around being the person who does

465
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,560
Speaker 1: the breaking up is what keeps us in the wrong

466
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 1: relationships for a way too long. I remember when I

467
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 1: was with someone previously debating for months and months about

468
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 1: what to do, and I think it was something that

469
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,080
Speaker 1: we both knew needed to happen, but neither of us

470
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,200
Speaker 1: could do it. Neither of us wanted to be kind

471
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 1: of the one to pull the trigger. Our romantic relationships

472
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,640
Speaker 1: become somewhat of an anchor for us, both in good

473
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,600
Speaker 1: ways and bad ways. They can keep us really steady,

474
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:06,200
Speaker 1: but an anchor can also keep you stuck in one

475
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: place and left feeling detached from yourself, kind of aimlessly floating,

476
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 1: or deeply unhappy. And you do not deserve to be unhappy,

477
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:20,680
Speaker 1: not now, not ever. You truly do deserve the absolute best.

478
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,320
Speaker 1: And I know right now that can be really hard

479
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: to see. It's hard to see that there are better

480
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: things out there or a future beyond this person. But

481
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 1: I want to assure you that there is the world

482
00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:36,040
Speaker 1: is beautiful and wide and so surprising, and it's filled

483
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:40,360
Speaker 1: with incredible richness. Right now, you're kind of probably experiencing

484
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 1: tunnel vision in your relationship, but I promise time is

485
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: an amazing thing that heals all of those wounds. So

486
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,920
Speaker 1: what are some of the things that are preventing us

487
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 1: from making this very hard call? The first one I

488
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 1: always think of is this concept of sunk costs. If

489
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 1: you're not familiar with this idea, Essentially, our brains sometimes

490
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 1: think of things like relationships as an investment. Now this

491
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 1: is more of an economics concept than a psychological one,

492
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:12,040
Speaker 1: but we have seen research that shows that the same

493
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 1: reason that people make dodgy investments or purchases is the

494
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: same reason people stay in bad or unfulfilling relationships. The

495
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 1: sunk cost fallacy is this cognitive bias that makes you

496
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:29,680
Speaker 1: feel like you need to continue being with this person,

497
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,880
Speaker 1: putting love, time and energy into this relationship rather than

498
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:38,280
Speaker 1: walking away because you've already lost so much by being

499
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:42,280
Speaker 1: with them for so long. We continue to invest because

500
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: by leaving we feel like we are losing out on

501
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: all that time we've already given them, thinking that if

502
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: we stay, maybe that won't be a waste and then

503
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 1: it will be worth it. This fallacy, or this bias,

504
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,280
Speaker 1: it causes us to make irrational decisions that are not

505
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 1: aligned with our best interests. And you know, if you

506
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:03,000
Speaker 1: have been with this person for a while, if you

507
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:07,760
Speaker 1: live together, maybe you're engaged, your family loves them, You've

508
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,240
Speaker 1: built this life with them, and that is going to

509
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,120
Speaker 1: make it more difficult to end a relationship compared to

510
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,440
Speaker 1: a two month fling, where that is a much more

511
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:21,280
Speaker 1: short term investment. It's the same thing as being comfortable.

512
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:25,800
Speaker 1: Once you sometimes feel safe with someone, you can become complacent.

513
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:30,160
Speaker 1: Once you feel very intensely comfortable, you put up with

514
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:34,960
Speaker 1: a lot more difficulties or insecurities or unhappiness because you

515
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,760
Speaker 1: worry it will cost you even greater unhappiness to leave

516
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:42,400
Speaker 1: this person than what you are tolerating right now. That

517
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,959
Speaker 1: reasoning makes you stay, even if it's not an accurate calculation.

518
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:49,040
Speaker 1: I want to say also, I'm not saying that your

519
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 1: relationship shouldn't be comfortable. It should be absolutely the most

520
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 1: safe feeling. It should feel like home. But if you

521
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 1: are staying because that's what you're used to and because

522
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,720
Speaker 1: you are scared of the unknown, that may not be

523
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 1: the best choice when you consider all the other factors.

524
00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 1: The next reason is expectant thinking. And oh my goodness,

525
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 1: if I don't see this all the time, even in

526
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:16,080
Speaker 1: my own past relationships, it is so unbelievably common. It's

527
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: similar to the what if thought pattern. It's this sense

528
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:23,480
Speaker 1: of belief that something one day is going to change,

529
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 1: particularly that your partner might change. We enter into this

530
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:32,800
Speaker 1: state of kind of optimistic delusion, whereby we believe that

531
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:36,120
Speaker 1: things will be different, that we can change them, things

532
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 1: will turn around, and we just need to do X

533
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:41,760
Speaker 1: or y, or get married or move in together, or

534
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 1: spend more time apart or improve this one little thing

535
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,960
Speaker 1: about their personality and it will all be perfect. And

536
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,320
Speaker 1: I think being optimistic is a very beautiful personality trait.

537
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 1: But I also don't believe that people are able to

538
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: change who they are at their very core. That is

539
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:02,640
Speaker 1: something that is ingrained them from birth, from early experiences,

540
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 1: from formative events, and it takes a lot of effort

541
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,960
Speaker 1: to shift that, a shift that I don't think we

542
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: can force someone into. Reflect on what you can do,

543
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: what you would want to do. If this thing doesn't change,

544
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,920
Speaker 1: what is the future here? Will you actually be happy

545
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 1: if they continue to be this version of themselves, if

546
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,800
Speaker 1: they do not put an effort, if they continue to

547
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 1: do this thing that deeply annoys you or leaves you

548
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,959
Speaker 1: feeling let down. I also think that if you're listening

549
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 1: to this episode, perhaps you already know the answer to that,

550
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,480
Speaker 1: and you know that perhaps what you have been engaging

551
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:45,920
Speaker 1: in is not realistic but expectant thinking. Also, sometimes we

552
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: think that we won't be able to do better than

553
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:53,040
Speaker 1: what we have. Maybe this person you're with is completely fine.

554
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:57,040
Speaker 1: They're nice enough, they're good to you, everyone loves them,

555
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:01,200
Speaker 1: they're friendly. But you just want more. That is still

556
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 1: a perfectly acceptable reason, and believing that you deserve more

557
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,319
Speaker 1: is the only confirmation you need to know that you

558
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,279
Speaker 1: deserve more. Maybe you want more passion, you want a

559
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:16,359
Speaker 1: deeper connection, more things in common, greater compatibility. There are

560
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,680
Speaker 1: millions of people in the world you can be with.

561
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 1: You do not need to settle with someone just because

562
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:25,719
Speaker 1: they are good enough. That's really I don't think what

563
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: we're aiming for in life. Good Enough is not the

564
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:32,279
Speaker 1: level sometimes though. What can hold us back are a

565
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,360
Speaker 1: number of very instinctual human fears, and they are the

566
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:39,000
Speaker 1: fear of the unknown, the fear of change or uncertainty,

567
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:44,480
Speaker 1: and the fear of loneliness, all very core to our

568
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 1: inherent drives and basic needs. Breakups are a very big

569
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:53,400
Speaker 1: relational and social shift, and a lot may have changed

570
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:55,920
Speaker 1: since you were last single. You may have lost a

571
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 1: few friends, you may have moved, graduated, lost some of

572
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:04,840
Speaker 1: your interests, transformed as a person, so you don't really

573
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,759
Speaker 1: know what you're entering back into. You don't really know

574
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,200
Speaker 1: what it feels like to be alone, and that is scary.

575
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 1: But I think it is in those moments of being

576
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:18,399
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and uncertain that we experience the greatest growth. Your

577
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 1: future self is going to thank you for making this

578
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:24,680
Speaker 1: hard decision. When all the dust has settled, you will

579
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 1: be very grateful. Trust me, you really will. Things may

580
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,960
Speaker 1: be scary for a while, you probably will feel lonely

581
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 1: and you will miss them. That is only a natural

582
00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:38,000
Speaker 1: part of the kind of disintegration of a personal bond,

583
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 1: but with time that becomes easier, and then one day

584
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 1: you wake up and you realize it was all for

585
00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:49,239
Speaker 1: the best. That it needed to happen. Loneliness is just

586
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 1: an emotion. It's just a feeling. It comes and goes,

587
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:55,719
Speaker 1: it dips and rises, and you will be okay through

588
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 1: it all. You will be stronger, you will be better,

589
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:03,760
Speaker 1: you will find someone better. I just really, truly, deeply

590
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 1: believe that you should not be with someone who is

591
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,799
Speaker 1: not adding to your life. In your twenties, this is

592
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:13,799
Speaker 1: your time to be your own person, to prioritize exactly

593
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,480
Speaker 1: what is going to make you happy, not stay out

594
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:22,319
Speaker 1: of obligation or because of fear or expectation. Is this

595
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,680
Speaker 1: the life that you want with this person? Are they

596
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 1: making you the best version of yourself? Are they making

597
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:32,120
Speaker 1: you happy? Why don't you deserve someone that is or

598
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,799
Speaker 1: who does do all those things, even if it takes

599
00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 1: a while, even if they're not right around the corner,

600
00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:40,000
Speaker 1: even if in the meantime you feel a little bit

601
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,040
Speaker 1: lost or you feel a little bit alone. It's all

602
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: about that trial and error. I also want to say

603
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 1: you're not a failure just because this didn't work out.

604
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:51,800
Speaker 1: This is part of the human experience. People change, You change,

605
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 1: the relationships change. People break up, and it's very sad.

606
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,799
Speaker 1: It can be quite devastating, But I don't think it's

607
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:02,000
Speaker 1: as devastating as staying out of fear of loneliness or

608
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,560
Speaker 1: what others will think, or what you've been taught to

609
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 1: believe about yourself that you don't deserve better. You really do.

610
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 1: I keep saying it. I must sound like a broken record,

611
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,320
Speaker 1: but it's not your fault that your relationship didn't work out.

612
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,520
Speaker 1: And I don't think that the only indicator of our

613
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:21,319
Speaker 1: self worth is whether we were able to make a

614
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:25,359
Speaker 1: relationship work. There is so much more to you as

615
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 1: an individual than this person you're currently with. So I

616
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,319
Speaker 1: really hope that this episode has helped you if you

617
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 1: are thinking about making a certain life decision, or you're

618
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:39,160
Speaker 1: thinking about perhaps walking away from someone in your life.

619
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 1: I just hope that it's given you some more information

620
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:45,280
Speaker 1: as to why you're thinking this way, what your brain

621
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,640
Speaker 1: is kind of battling with, why you are feeling a

622
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:52,680
Speaker 1: little bit scared. So I'm really sending you so much love,

623
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 1: I'm sending you so much strength. I think that you

624
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:59,320
Speaker 1: are doing all the right things. You are thinking critically

625
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: about your decis you are showing yourself self love and

626
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:06,200
Speaker 1: compassion by listening to podcasts like this. I think you

627
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,320
Speaker 1: are brilliant, so best of luck with what you're going through.

628
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 1: As always, if there is someone out there in your

629
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:16,520
Speaker 1: life who needs to hear this episode, please feel free

630
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,160
Speaker 1: to share it with them and follow us over at

631
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:22,880
Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast. If you had thoughts, feelings, questions about

632
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,320
Speaker 1: this episode, if you need advice anything like that, or

633
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,240
Speaker 1: if you have an episode suggestion, I'm always on board

634
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:32,719
Speaker 1: to hear your ideas. Also check out my Patreon. Like

635
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:35,319
Speaker 1: I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, it will

636
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:39,080
Speaker 1: be in the episode description, along with some additional resources

637
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:42,520
Speaker 1: information and where to find me elsewhere. Thank you so

638
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,000
Speaker 1: much for joining us for this episode. I really hope

639
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,759
Speaker 1: you enjoyed it. I hope you got something out of it,

640
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,120
Speaker 1: and as always, we will be back next week