Speaker 1: You do not need to sacrifice the functionality of your
Speaker 1: whole for some fleeting pleasure.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Tell yourself there are plenty of dicks in the sea,
Speaker 1: and I am worthy of each and every one of them.
Speaker 2: Come on, that's team right there. Now, you know what.
Speaker 1: This is a safe space to talk about relationships, love
Speaker 1: and sex. Now let me tell you something messy. I
Speaker 1: don't know who needs to hear this, but please have
Speaker 1: lube in your house. I don't. I always I've gotten
Speaker 1: into the habit of bringing lube with me if I
Speaker 1: go to like a hook up, because on more than
Speaker 1: several occasions I have shown up as a top, as
Speaker 1: a bottom, as ready to flip and be verse, and
Speaker 1: the person doesn't have lube. I'll even now, I'll be like,
Speaker 1: do you need me to bring anything? Because I want
Speaker 1: them to be like, I need to bring lub if
Speaker 1: they need because.
Speaker 2: What are y'all doing?
Speaker 1: What are y'all doing in people over to your house
Speaker 1: to fuck and you don't have loub That's confusing to me.
Speaker 1: It's like, if I invite people over to my house,
Speaker 1: I would make sure there was toilet paper and paper towel,
Speaker 1: because how am I inviting you over to my house
Speaker 1: for a dinner and there's no toilet paper and there's
Speaker 1: no paper towel. That's crazy to me. That's how you
Speaker 1: also know like it's a boy's house, because like you like,
Speaker 1: what are you talking? Like, why don't you don't I'm
Speaker 1: not saying everybody's gotta take a shit at your apartment
Speaker 1: or they're taking a shit in your house, but if
Speaker 1: they're gonna pee, you know, ladies want a pet pet
Speaker 1: and also like, by the way, I like to pet pat,
Speaker 1: so I'm not dribbling into my underwear. So I've got
Speaker 1: I've lost the rates on this. All of this to say,
Speaker 1: please have lub with chiuds. Please also have toilet paper
Speaker 1: and paper toblet chowls. But please, if you invite people
Speaker 1: over and you host it, be a host. That's what
Speaker 1: it is. If you're being a host, be a host.
Speaker 1: Some of you, some of you don't know how to host.
Speaker 1: You said you put hosts on the app I'm hosting.
Speaker 2: You can come.
Speaker 1: You don't know how to host. I need I need
Speaker 1: a water filter. Don't give me your tap water. I'm
Speaker 1: serious as fuck girl. If you offer me water, don't
Speaker 1: go to that tap. I don't know where that TAP's been.
Speaker 1: I want you to have a water filter or water bottles.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm being bougie, and y'all could tell me. Y'all
Speaker 1: can foozball me if you need to, But I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you right now. I don't want your tap water.
Speaker 1: We're not in college.
Speaker 2: Girl. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Give me, Give me a water bottle or a filter
Speaker 1: water I bring. I'm this bougie. I usually bring a
Speaker 1: water bottle because I don't know, because I don't know,
Speaker 1: because I don't know.
Speaker 2: I fuck men. You know what I'm saying. I fuck
Speaker 2: men and men. You know ladies, you know you know
Speaker 2: you gotta become prepared, have the water, and have the lube.
Speaker 2: I don't go and not am Oh my god, can
Speaker 2: I say this?
Speaker 1: If you pull out the lube and it's just a
Speaker 1: dribble left.
Speaker 2: Throw it out? What do you have? Girl? What are
Speaker 2: you doing? That's not enough.
Speaker 1: That's not gonna get us through that's not gonna get
Speaker 1: us through this you got. I don't understand that you
Speaker 1: got that little dribble you If we need to put
Speaker 1: a line on the loub box that says refill I was.
Speaker 1: I was refilling my don So and I realized there's
Speaker 1: a line that says time to refill, and so I
Speaker 1: bought the refill thing and I refilled it. And I
Speaker 1: think we need that on the Loub bottles because some
Speaker 1: y'all are forgetting. Y'all are inviting people over and you
Speaker 1: are forgetting that you need.
Speaker 2: We need it. We need the loop.
Speaker 1: Babe, listen, spit it's hot. I'm gonna spit with you.
Speaker 1: I got you. You know I'm gonna eat that ass.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get it wet. I'm gonna suck that dick.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get it wet. Absolutely, I'm with you on that.
Speaker 1: I'm with you on that. But we also won't We
Speaker 1: will need that lube if we're if if if somebody's
Speaker 1: getting inside somebody.
Speaker 2: Tonight, we will need that loob.
Speaker 1: So you know, if you got to put that on
Speaker 1: like an auto subscribe or whatever, like find your Loube
Speaker 1: company and like I don't know, I don't know if
Speaker 1: Loub companies have like an auto subscribe situation. But you know,
Speaker 1: every month, let them send you a new bottle, or
Speaker 1: you need to put a calendar remind you know, every
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, calendar of MyD time to go to
Speaker 1: the sex store, pick up lube, order lube, do what
Speaker 1: you gotta do. But do not have people coming over
Speaker 1: to your house and you ain't got lube and you
Speaker 1: off from them.
Speaker 2: Tap water.
Speaker 1: I'm I don't know where your pipes have been, girl
Speaker 1: filting that water for me. And same thing if you
Speaker 1: just invite people over for dinner, make sure you got
Speaker 1: toilet paper and paper towel, don't play, and soap and
Speaker 1: soap and soap, please please.
Speaker 2: We are not in our life.
Speaker 1: We are not nineteen. And if you're nineteen, shout out,
Speaker 1: okay you hear me, I love you, Hi. Make sure
Speaker 1: you know be better than the other nineteen year olds
Speaker 1: and have paper towel and toilet paper and the lube
Speaker 1: and whatnot.
Speaker 2: But we are not we not we not, We're not
Speaker 2: there no more. We grown.
Speaker 1: We grown as fuck. Okay, we're grown as fuck. So
Speaker 1: and if you can't listen, and if it's a financial thing,
Speaker 1: because sometimes let's tea right, it might be a financial thing.
Speaker 1: I listen, lube can be price at fuck.
Speaker 2: If it's a.
Speaker 1: Financial thing, baby life hack, I want you to go
Speaker 1: to you can go to the clinics, or you can
Speaker 1: go to the sex store.
Speaker 2: I want you to get samples.
Speaker 1: I want you to get samples, and then you're gonna
Speaker 1: take those samples and you're gonna refill your actual bottle
Speaker 1: with those samples. Don't throw out your bottle, baby, refill
Speaker 1: that bottle with the samples.
Speaker 2: Look at that.
Speaker 1: Look at that. Messy Mom is helping you out. Well
Speaker 1: you speaking of By the way, welcome to the show.
Speaker 1: This is telling me something messy. I am your host,
Speaker 1: Brandon cok goodness. Some people call me messy mom, but
Speaker 1: you could call me. Oh no, what can you call me? Luberacchi?
Speaker 2: What y'all? Some of y'all turn this podcast off immediately.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, sorry to come back. Don't leave me. Don't
Speaker 2: leave me, don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: But that's kind of genius, Luberaci come on, come on.
Speaker 1: Anyways, Speaking of messy Mom, this is our first Ask
Speaker 1: Messy Mom episode, which is just to say that there
Speaker 1: is no guest. It's you and me maybe answering your
Speaker 1: messy submissions, your your questions. Some of you email me
Speaker 1: longer submissions, so I'll be reading some of those out
Speaker 1: and we're gonna have us a little a good time,
Speaker 1: a good key key. But before we get into the
Speaker 1: messy mail, might I share some my messy mom what?
Speaker 2: What? What?
Speaker 1: What can we call this segment? Messy Mom Cares, messy Mom,
Speaker 1: messy Mom Wisdom, messy mom Nuggets. I just want to
Speaker 1: share something called the over over over rule, which is
Speaker 1: something that I created to help me navigate relationships. And
Speaker 1: I shared this on Watch What Happens Live in November
Speaker 1: when I was promoting our podcast, I was asked a
Speaker 1: question about polyamory, uh, and so I offered my over
Speaker 1: over overrule, which I think can work for polyamory, can
Speaker 1: work for monogamy, can work for romantic relationsships, platonic relationships,
Speaker 1: professional relationships.
Speaker 2: I think it's just a rule that's.
Speaker 1: Really great for building relationships and making relationships feel safe
Speaker 1: and secure, loving and compassionate.
Speaker 2: So can I share it with you? Can I share
Speaker 2: with you? Right now? Okay?
Speaker 1: This is the over over overall communication over no communication,
Speaker 1: transparency over honesty, dumb questions over no questions.
Speaker 2: All right, girl, are you with me? Are you with me?
Speaker 2: All right? Let me break it down.
Speaker 1: So communication over no communication. That obviously seems obvious. But
Speaker 1: talk to your partner compassionately. Say everything what you're afraid of,
Speaker 1: jealous of, nervous about, excited about. Do not assume your
Speaker 1: partner knows. Set them up for success by communicating your feelings.
Speaker 2: Here's the deal.
Speaker 1: Because of like you know, the Verman Took Levels and
Speaker 1: our TV shows, we are taught that like real love
Speaker 1: is you just know everything about me.
Speaker 2: It's like, that's not true me.
Speaker 1: Like you're evolving, you're growing, you're shifting, and how would
Speaker 1: I know all those evolutions that are happening inside of
Speaker 1: you if you're not communicating it. So that you might
Speaker 1: have loved in our first year together, you might not
Speaker 1: love so much in our third year together. Something you
Speaker 1: would were completely averse to in our first month you
Speaker 1: might be all about in our sixth month. So communication
Speaker 1: communication over no communication. Do not assume that you know
Speaker 1: everything about your partner. Do not assume they know everything
Speaker 1: about you. Do not require them to know everything about you.
Speaker 1: We want to learn about each other constantly, so talking. Oh.
Speaker 1: The next one is transparency over honesty. So honesty is great,
Speaker 1: but honesty is when I ask you a question, you
Speaker 1: tell me the truth Transparency is I'm just gonna tell
Speaker 1: you the information before it's asked.
Speaker 2: And I think that this is such an important.
Speaker 1: Opponent, you know how that's spelled baby, because it helps
Speaker 1: us build trust. Transparency offers information before being asked, which
Speaker 1: allows your partner to feel safe that you're not keeping
Speaker 1: things from them in secret. Now, you may not keep
Speaker 1: thinking in secret, and that may just not be who
Speaker 1: you are, but it doesn't mean that your partner doesn't
Speaker 1: have baggage. We all have baggage. You have baggage. We're
Speaker 1: coming to the table baggage. And so if you have
Speaker 1: come from a family or previous relationships where there was secrecy,
Speaker 1: where people weren't honest, how many of y'all can relate, Yes,
Speaker 1: where people did lie, where there was betrayal.
Speaker 2: Or people just didn't talk. Come on suburban families.
Speaker 1: That's inside of your your your makeup as a as
Speaker 1: a person like you're you're you're wired to be. We're
Speaker 1: not conscious of it, but to be looking for that,
Speaker 1: to be assuming that right. And your partner may not
Speaker 1: be somebody who keeps things from you whatever, but it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you aren't by default going to assume
Speaker 1: that they might write or vice versa, and so transparency
Speaker 1: is just a really loving and compassionate tool to just
Speaker 1: get in the habit of now. By the way, secrecy
Speaker 1: and privacy are not the same thing.
Speaker 2: I do believe in privacy.
Speaker 1: I do believe even if you're you're in love and
Speaker 1: you love each other, you're together, that is okay if
Speaker 1: there are certain things that you keep private that are yours,
Speaker 1: and that is totally fine, and you will share when
Speaker 1: you feel ready. But secrets or what we're trying to
Speaker 1: avoid the things that you're like, I know I shouldn't
Speaker 1: be doing this, or I know I need to tell
Speaker 1: them right, So just offering transparency and just saying the thing, Hey,
Speaker 1: I am going out with these people tonight. That might
Speaker 1: be an example, just so that you're not thinking that
Speaker 1: I'm out with you know somebody I shouldn't be out with,
Speaker 1: or I am going to be doing this, or I'm
Speaker 1: my plan is to head over here, or or.
Speaker 2: This is how I'm feeling about this.
Speaker 1: Like, just the transparency over honesty I think is uh
Speaker 1: is fundamental in building that trust. Okay, and now dumb
Speaker 1: questions over no questions, It is okay to not know
Speaker 1: how to navigate the humps in your partnership. No relationship
Speaker 1: looks exactly like yours because you.
Speaker 2: Are co creating it in real time.
Speaker 1: So instead of mustling through or pretending like you know
Speaker 1: what you're doing, be brave and ask the dumb questions.
Speaker 1: Learn about your partner and your relationship together. So you know,
Speaker 1: I think about this with polyamory specifically because sometimes you
Speaker 1: know people like well assume, oh, I should know how
Speaker 1: to relate to all these partners, or I should know
Speaker 1: how to have a conversation when I'm feeling jealous about something. Baby,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't or I should. The shoulds are actually killing you.
Speaker 1: You don't have to know anything. Ask the question, don't assume,
Speaker 1: don't hold it in. Even if it's a dumb question.
Speaker 1: You get to say, this is a this may be
Speaker 1: a really dumb question, but how do you feel about this?
Speaker 2: Or how do you do this? Or how do we
Speaker 2: navigate this? Ask the question.
Speaker 1: Now, all these components communication over no communication, transparency over honesty,
Speaker 1: dumb questions over no questions. What they're really facilitating is
Speaker 1: over communication, which is the bedrock of any healthy relationship.
Speaker 1: That's ultimately what I'm getting to is that over communicate, Baby,
Speaker 1: I'll say it again, over communicate. I think it is
Speaker 1: so loving and generous and kind to over communicate. It
Speaker 1: leaves no guessing. It's very clear, and even if we
Speaker 1: don't know certain things, we get to say I don't
Speaker 1: know how I feel about this, or I don't know
Speaker 1: what I think about that, and that is also helpful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so all of this, the overrule is really about facilitating
Speaker 1: over communication, and I promise you over communication will help
Speaker 1: you build a safe relationship, whether it is polyamorous, whether
Speaker 1: it is monogamous, whether it is romantic, whether it is platonic,
Speaker 1: whether it is professional. Being able to say the things
Speaker 1: will make you feel better and will just allow everyone
Speaker 1: to always be on the same page or to get
Speaker 1: back on the same page and to feel aligned.
Speaker 2: Okay, oh fucking gay. Yeah maby, we did that. All right.
Speaker 1: Let's get into your submissions and your questions. But before
Speaker 1: we do that, we have to do, you know, our
Speaker 1: home manifest o. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame,
Speaker 1: the courage to heal, the wisdom to know that sex
Speaker 1: is not about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my
Speaker 1: pleasure and boundaries, the strength and not call my ex
Speaker 1: that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck day for it
Speaker 1: is better to masturbate by myself in peace than to
Speaker 1: let someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the hommunity
Speaker 1: say holujah ooh. A bit of homekeeping before we get
Speaker 1: into this first mess email, which is we are trying
Speaker 1: to get to those two hundred and sixty reviews and
Speaker 1: ratings before.
Speaker 2: The end of the month.
Speaker 1: I think we're like at two eleven on Spotify and
Speaker 1: I can't remember how many we have on Apple.
Speaker 2: But if you.
Speaker 1: Haven't, baby, do me a favor. When you review and
Speaker 1: rate the show. Give it the five stars. Really helps
Speaker 1: the show grow, helps it get into the hearts and
Speaker 1: the hands and the ears of people who might really
Speaker 1: want to be part of it but just don't know
Speaker 1: that re exists. So that really helps to thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Okay, give me that bail, give
Speaker 1: me that, give me that chime, that that the messy
Speaker 1: mail chime.
Speaker 2: Ah. All right, let's read this first one.
Speaker 1: Can I be polyamorous and only want to date monogamousts?
Speaker 1: I mean, you could be, babe, You could be whatever
Speaker 1: you want.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. You could be whatever you want.
Speaker 1: I guess my question would be if you are polyamorous
Speaker 1: and only wanting to date monogamous, this is feeling like,
Speaker 1: you know, the gay who only wants to date the
Speaker 1: straight guy. You know what I'm saying, which the note
Speaker 1: beneath the note, the thing that's happening underneath is essentially
Speaker 1: you are afraid.
Speaker 2: Of somebody who wants you back.
Speaker 1: And so you know, if you're somebody who's polyamorous purposely
Speaker 1: wanting to date people who are monogamous, I feel like
Speaker 1: you're afraid to be wanted back because you know they're monogamous.
Speaker 1: They don't want to do this thing that you're doing,
Speaker 1: and are you trying to turn them? That's not very
Speaker 1: loving or compassionate. You know, I want to respect where
Speaker 1: you are in your journey and what it is that
Speaker 1: you see for relationships in the same way that I
Speaker 1: want somebody to respect what I see for relationships. But
Speaker 1: also if I'm going for that person no wing ahead
Speaker 1: of time, that we are at conflict like this, then
Speaker 1: I would say, for you, my dear love, are you
Speaker 1: scared of somebody who actually is aligned with you?
Speaker 2: Are you scared of being loved?
Speaker 1: Like? Can we just go there and say it head on.
Speaker 1: Are you scared of being loved? Which is a fair
Speaker 1: a fair fear. That's an understandable fear because with love
Speaker 1: comes heartbreak, right, and that's not to be morbid or whatever,
Speaker 1: but this, you know, when we love people, things happen, right,
Speaker 1: the relationship may not last forever. Things ebb and flow,
Speaker 1: and so you give of your heart knowing there's a gamble.
Speaker 1: Whereas if you are going after someone that you know
Speaker 1: you can't have, that's you just trying to control. That's
Speaker 1: you try to like control shit, which when it comes
Speaker 1: to love, you don't have control. You know you you
Speaker 1: you have control over over how you show up, which
Speaker 1: is kindly and compassionately and lovingly, but you don't have
Speaker 1: control over whether or not that person stays or doesn't stay,
Speaker 1: or whether that person stays the same, which hopefully neither
Speaker 1: you do.
Speaker 2: In the the.
Speaker 1: Trajectory relationship, hopefully you're both growing and you grow together.
Speaker 1: But in that growth can also be a growth apart.
Speaker 1: So all that to say, I would reflect on yourself
Speaker 1: first before before trying to go turn a monogamous or
Speaker 1: go after monogamous. I would ask what are you afraid of? What?
Speaker 1: Are you afraid of losing if you were to be
Speaker 1: with somebody who actually is also polyamorous like you are? Okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta hate that what I've didn that? Yes, I
Speaker 1: know things, I know things. I do know things, not everything,
Speaker 1: but I know some things.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: This one says my hubs finally all caps wants butt play,
Speaker 1: but it's so smelly.
Speaker 2: We need to laugh.
Speaker 1: I don't need to laugh, no, worry is just funny.
Speaker 1: And how do I tell him.
Speaker 2: To wash it? He's straight and cists.
Speaker 1: I'm a straight CIS female who wants to blow his mind,
Speaker 1: but without gaggy, at least not from that patron. This
Speaker 1: really made me giggle. I'm patroon. I'm gonna hold your
Speaker 1: hand when I say this. You're gonna tell him to
Speaker 1: wash it respectfully, just like that, Hey baby, You're gonna.
Speaker 2: Hold his hand.
Speaker 1: You're gonna say, hey baby, I want this. I've been
Speaker 1: waiting to get in that ass. I would love to
Speaker 1: blow your mind, but we gotta wash it.
Speaker 2: Get in a shower.
Speaker 1: And if you don't want to do that, then you
Speaker 1: know I've heard somebody say, you know, we you take
Speaker 1: a shower with the partner and then you wash you know,
Speaker 1: make it text of him and wash your chest, and
Speaker 1: then I wash your stomach.
Speaker 2: It'll wash your pubs, and then turn around and wash
Speaker 2: your ass. Wash it.
Speaker 1: Also, get a bedet in the house. You know, it's
Speaker 1: like add that little bitat fixture which you have anyway,
Speaker 1: because that's just gonna be better for the antal health.
Speaker 1: But get a beday in the house so that he's
Speaker 1: naturally always you know, washing it. That said, let me
Speaker 1: say this is a straight man. It's the camera's camera
Speaker 1: straight man.
Speaker 2: Baby.
Speaker 1: Ain't nothing wrong with having your ass played with. I
Speaker 1: just want to say that right now. Okay, it's not gay.
Speaker 2: It's pleasure. Can I say that it's not gay?
Speaker 1: It's pleasure. You got a process of that. It feels good.
Speaker 1: It's nothing wrong with having your ass played with. It
Speaker 1: does not compromise your manhood, not even a little bit. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I have your ass played with, But let me
Speaker 1: tell you this. You gotta wash it because a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff comes out of that hole, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And so before you can put anything up there,
Speaker 1: a toy, your partner's mouth, their nose, it would be
Speaker 1: respectful of you, it would be healthy, safe, and respectful
Speaker 1: of you to clean that ass.
Speaker 2: Don't be asking somebody to eat your.
Speaker 1: Ass, knowing full well you ain't putting out a drop
Speaker 1: of water, let alone soap on that whole. That to me,
Speaker 1: to present a shitty asshole, knowing that ain't my cake.
Speaker 1: To present a shitty asshole, if it's not somebody's cake,
Speaker 1: to present a shitty asshole is disrespectful. And I know
Speaker 1: you a man, I know and love to be disrespectful
Speaker 1: sometimes I know, I know, but not like this.
Speaker 2: Please please, please please wash your ass, you grown. I
Speaker 2: don't know why we have to tell you. This ain't
Speaker 2: your booty itch? You in it.
Speaker 1: Even if you're not getting it eaten out? Is it
Speaker 1: an itch when it ain't clean? You ain't tied in
Speaker 1: the skin marks? Babe, Babe, you ain't tired of throwing
Speaker 1: them underwear out. You're not throwing it out, are you?
Speaker 1: Damn damn, you're not throwing that underwear out. You just
Speaker 1: skidding and sliding and putting the right back on. Ain't
Speaker 1: you don't do that? You deserve better, You deserve more,
Speaker 1: love yourself, just a little bit more. Okay, wash that
Speaker 1: ass and throw that shitty underwear out. Love, throw it out. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: I hope that helped Fatrian. This one says, I'm trying
Speaker 1: not to catch feelings after two dates and it's been tough.
Speaker 2: Please slap me to wake the fuck up. Two dates? Well,
Speaker 2: I don't like slapping.
Speaker 1: Actually sorry, I don't like slapping, but unless I like spanking, okay, work.
Speaker 1: You are not catching feelings. You are catching fantasies. You
Speaker 1: are projecting your fantasies on to this person you don't know.
Speaker 2: Two dates. You don't know nothing about them.
Speaker 1: What's their middle name, what's their favorite scent, what's their
Speaker 1: credit score? You don't know nothing about them. You not
Speaker 1: catching feelings. You are catching the most. Maybe a smile,
Speaker 1: my love right because you found out that they like
Speaker 1: aoli with their fries. That's I'm catching a smile because
Speaker 1: I also like aoli with my fries. But that's not feelings. Well,
Speaker 1: I guess it is feeling like like I feel happy
Speaker 1: to know that you also like aoli. But I'm not
Speaker 1: building my life with you. Nigga, what are you talking about?
Speaker 2: It's two dates. It is two dates.
Speaker 1: I could like you a lot, I could be intrigued,
Speaker 1: I could be eager and excited or I feel something here.
Speaker 2: Beautiful, but that's it. But I got questions. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3: We are not.
Speaker 1: Twenty years old, love. Okay, this is not Dawson's Creek.
Speaker 2: That's such an old reference. Girl. It's not Riverdale. I
Speaker 2: never watched it. This is not name a show. What's
Speaker 2: the show where they fall in love all the time?
Speaker 1: I don't know, But it's not that. Okay, this is
Speaker 1: real life. What the fuck is your credit score and
Speaker 1: your middle name?
Speaker 2: My love? What's your favorite scent? Do you like the
Speaker 2: same candles that I like?
Speaker 1: Because if you don't, if you like something more floral
Speaker 1: and I like something more woodsy, this is gonna be
Speaker 1: a problem in our cohabitation situation. I'm dead ass. I'm
Speaker 1: dead ass. You don't know nothing about this person. You
Speaker 1: ain't catching no feelings. Okay, come on, at least give me,
Speaker 1: at least tell me. We've been together two months, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. At that point, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you are catching feelings. You'll be talking to each other.
Speaker 2: For two months? Two dates?
Speaker 1: Is it in the same week even or did it
Speaker 1: was a week in between. I don't like. You're in
Speaker 1: your fantasy, You're in your fantasy. Love, You're in your
Speaker 1: fantasy m.
Speaker 2: Wake up. Wake up. That's your slap. That's me tapping table.
Speaker 2: Wake up? What are you wanna say? Not on my watch?
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm slamming tables like I'm not on a podcast.
Speaker 1: But she slams the tables and she goes not on
Speaker 1: my watch and.
Speaker 2: Saying, none of my watch. This I got you.
Speaker 1: Wake the fuck up. Okay, stop projecting your fantasies. Catching fantasies,
Speaker 1: not feelings. Mostly you gonna catch again is a smile
Speaker 1: and smile especially and if they pay for the bill,
Speaker 1: smile even harder. Okay, that's not feelings. I'm gonna catch
Speaker 1: your feelings. I'm smiling. You paid that bill, Thank.
Speaker 2: You, thank you.
Speaker 3: Love.
Speaker 2: You might get a second date, you might get a
Speaker 2: third date. Talk to me after date five.
Speaker 1: If we are on five, if we go on five
Speaker 1: dates five business days, you see what I'm saying, five dates,
Speaker 1: that's the equivalent of five business days. Okay, that might
Speaker 1: be enough time to stay. I like this person. This
Speaker 1: person is something. Now you know what I'm saying. How
Speaker 1: long is the day now? Okay, here's the difference. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: if your two dates, I'm making this up. But if
Speaker 1: your two dates equal twelve hours, we.
Speaker 2: Might have something to talk about, okay.
Speaker 1: But it has to be in your local city, like
Speaker 1: where you live. Okay, it has to be twelve hours
Speaker 1: in your city where you live. Then we might talk
Speaker 1: because I don't know about y'all. But sometimes you be
Speaker 1: having that international okay, to be twelve hours. You know,
Speaker 1: you be up in Madrid, you be up in by you,
Speaker 1: I mean me, you be up or somewhere foreign, and
Speaker 1: you know you have them dates that are twelve hours,
Speaker 1: and you be feeling all the fields you're in Spain
Speaker 1: my love. Of course you catch you feel is it's
Speaker 1: lovely here. Your real life is not here. Of course
Speaker 1: you catch you feel as for niggas across the pond
Speaker 1: because you're not in your real life.
Speaker 2: Oh lord, okay, y'all get me tired. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.
Speaker 1: This one says I do not experience sexual desire until
Speaker 1: I've grown an in person connection with someone of any
Speaker 1: gender identity. And also, I think until I know that
Speaker 1: the attraction is reciprocated. I would like to move into
Speaker 1: a kind communicative learning whe era, but I'm struggling with
Speaker 1: making connections that are clear enough for me to feel
Speaker 1: the trust I need to feel sexual attraction. What tips
Speaker 1: do you have about how to look for people who
Speaker 1: are ready for transparency and fun? Thank you for the
Speaker 1: light and laughter and fun of the show and also
Speaker 1: all of your content. It is pulling me through quite
Speaker 1: the life momento. Ah.
Speaker 2: Well, hello, what should we name you? Let's name you Jerika.
Speaker 2: I don't know why, but hey, Jericha, thank you for
Speaker 2: this question.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, it sounds like you might be demisexual.
Speaker 1: So demisexual is when you need to know somebody in
Speaker 1: order to experience that sexual attraction. But by the way
Speaker 1: you maybe that doesn't resonate. But I would you know,
Speaker 1: suggest researching demisexuals, going on YouTube, listening to somebody who
Speaker 1: is sexual talk about their experience and see if it resonates.
Speaker 1: At the very least, it'll give you maybe more language
Speaker 1: to articulate more of how you might identify or make
Speaker 1: you feel seen and how you're feeling. My advice here,
Speaker 1: which you know, you know, I'm always gonna say this.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this to everything. Take what you need to,
Speaker 1: take what's useful, and leave the rest. But when it
Speaker 1: comes to finding people who are ready, for transparency and fun,
Speaker 1: it requires, in my opinion, for you to also be
Speaker 1: transparent and fun. And what I mean by being fun
Speaker 1: is to lower the stakes and have a good time.
Speaker 1: To take the pressure off. And I'm sure you've heard
Speaker 1: me say this, take the pressure off the dating or
Speaker 1: meeting this person having to be the be all end all,
Speaker 1: or having to be the perfect fit, and just show
Speaker 1: up in curiosity and compassion and be transparent. I have
Speaker 1: found better partners by offering the transparency first because it
Speaker 1: allows me to see how they respond to it, and
Speaker 1: if they don't respond well to it, that's not a
Speaker 1: partner that I'm gonna fox with, right But the people
Speaker 1: that do respond well to it, who are like, I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm looking for, this is who I am,
Speaker 1: or this is what I'm interested in or whatever, or however,
Speaker 1: however I show up in my transparency and they respond
Speaker 1: in the same way and they like are engaged in
Speaker 1: the conversation. Those are people that I can really fuckx with. Also,
Speaker 1: people who are like not necessarily trying to talk about
Speaker 1: sex right away, even if even if we are on
Speaker 1: the apps, even if we're on the sex apps, but
Speaker 1: they're like how's your day? What kind of music do
Speaker 1: you like? Did you are you watching this show? Like
Speaker 1: whatever it is, where it's just a it's an expansive
Speaker 1: conversation that doesn't just have to do with you know,
Speaker 1: where do you want to put your dick?
Speaker 2: Or how wit is that pussy? Right?
Speaker 1: Which there are times for that, but I think in
Speaker 1: what you're looking for, which is emotional connection, to build
Speaker 1: the sexual attraction and sexual connection, just talk like that,
Speaker 1: be the be the transparent one, talk about the other
Speaker 1: things besides sex, and see how that person responds, and
Speaker 1: then go from there.
Speaker 2: I hope that's helpful.
Speaker 1: I think that's a delicious place to start. And I'll
Speaker 1: also affirm that your desire to move into a kind
Speaker 1: communicative learning whole era is perfectly wonderful. So even though
Speaker 1: maybe you're meeting people who are not on that same wavelength,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that there aren't people who exist who
Speaker 1: would be on that same wavelength. So I think sometimes
Speaker 1: when we are pursuing what we want and it goes
Speaker 1: against what we've seen in media and have been socialized,
Speaker 1: we can feel like we're the odd one out. But
Speaker 1: you're not, baby, You're absolutely not. So that those transparent
Speaker 1: and fun partners are out there. Start with you being
Speaker 1: transparent and fun. All right, I love you, Dereka, Thank
Speaker 1: you for the question. This one says I got dped
Speaker 1: without lube in a Brazilian bath house on my birthday.
Speaker 2: I can't poop.
Speaker 1: Now, Well, please don't do this. Y'all be getting so
Speaker 1: digmatized that you make dumb ass decisions. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, dickmatized making dumb ass decisions. You only get
Speaker 1: one hole in your life. Why are you putting dicks,
Speaker 1: not one, but two dicks in your hole with no loop?
Speaker 2: This is no judgment.
Speaker 1: This is my messy mam is talking to you with love.
Speaker 2: Okay, why would you do that? What was the reason?
Speaker 2: What was the reason?
Speaker 1: I know you in Brazil and listen in Brazil. From
Speaker 1: what I understand, I haven't been yet before. I understand
Speaker 1: they be serving face somebody. They are so fine, they
Speaker 1: are other other worldly.
Speaker 2: I get it.
Speaker 1: But who are you impressing by taking two dicks with
Speaker 1: no lube and now you can't poop.
Speaker 2: You only get the one hole. Who are you impressing?
Speaker 1: Not your proctologist you, Who are you impressing? Who are
Speaker 1: you impressing taking two dicks with no lube in a
Speaker 1: bath house with some Brazilians, not them.
Speaker 2: But now you can't poop. My god, my god, now
Speaker 2: you can't poop.
Speaker 1: You know how vital it is that you poop, You're
Speaker 1: how important it is that.
Speaker 2: You're uh uh no.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, because if you can't, if you can't poop, you
Speaker 1: can't take no more dick. We want them to ruin
Speaker 1: our pussies, not turn our pussies into ruins.
Speaker 2: I don't know who needs to hear that. Let me
Speaker 2: say that again. Let me say that again.
Speaker 1: We want them to ruin our pussies, not turn our
Speaker 1: pussies into ruins. Amen, somebody, a fem somebody, who are
Speaker 1: you trying to press? There should be loup all over?
Speaker 1: If you know this thing? To me, this is what
Speaker 1: this was wild to me. If you know that you're
Speaker 1: going to the Brazilian bath house, you are about to
Speaker 1: take dick's. You've cleared out, you've douched, you've prepared.
Speaker 2: Where's the little blve? Why not bring the lube with you?
Speaker 2: Why not? Why not?
Speaker 1: Why not cary the lube with you? Why would you
Speaker 1: leave the lube there? You know what I'm saying why not,
Speaker 1: why not bring the loop drown me in loup. You
Speaker 1: know what you could do, because wen this with Alex Hall,
Speaker 1: you could.
Speaker 2: You could.
Speaker 1: You could take a syringe and pre loob at the
Speaker 1: very least, at the very least, take a little syringe
Speaker 1: and pre loops. There's some loop in there. Suck them
Speaker 1: dicks real good. Wow, this is the show. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I just I saw if you're listening to this, I
Speaker 1: just saw myself in camera mimic two dicks coming to
Speaker 1: my face, and I thought, wow, So this is the show,
Speaker 1: this is this is my job, this is my career.
Speaker 1: But te you grabbed those dicks and you suck them.
Speaker 1: You suck them until they're nice and wet, sloppy, and
Speaker 1: then maybe you get one. You don't need to get
Speaker 1: both of them in there. Bring you a little bit
Speaker 1: of loub honey next time. Next time you see two
Speaker 1: beautiful dicks or just some dicks and you want to
Speaker 1: take it and you can't because you don't have LOUB
Speaker 1: on you. I want you to say this to yourself.
Speaker 1: I want you to shake yourself and I want you
Speaker 1: to say there are plenty of dicks in the sea,
Speaker 1: because really, Ooh, we're about to get this. What's happening,
Speaker 1: my love is you're approaching this from a scarcity mindset. Yeah, babe,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go into it.
Speaker 2: You think of these are.
Speaker 1: The only dicks that I will ever get if the universe?
Speaker 2: All right, go with me, honey.
Speaker 1: If the universe provided you those beautiful dicks, it will
Speaker 1: provide you more beautiful dicks.
Speaker 2: You do not need to.
Speaker 1: Sacrifice the functionality of your whole for some fleeting pleasure.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. Tell yourself.
Speaker 1: There are plenty of dicks in the sea, and I
Speaker 1: am worthy of each and every one of them.
Speaker 2: Come on, come on, come on. That's tea right there.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna do it again.
Speaker 1: I do not have to sacrifice the functionality of my
Speaker 1: whole for fleeting pleasure, because there are plenty of dicks
Speaker 1: in the sea, and I am worthy of each and
Speaker 1: every one of them.
Speaker 2: AFM, this one says Hi.
Speaker 1: I've been listening to this podcast the last few months
Speaker 1: and have enjoyed the PEP talks about sexuality, blackness, and queerness.
Speaker 1: I need some advice. I've been dating this guy since October,
Speaker 1: almost six months. We started out with spontaneous sexual chemistry
Speaker 1: and seeing each other almost every day or every other day.
Speaker 2: We've gone on many.
Speaker 1: Dates, from park days, sports bars to a getaway in
Speaker 1: Palm Springs. In all honesty, we've had our issues, but
Speaker 1: we do like one another a lot. However, we have
Speaker 1: not had sex since February. We've had little mess arounds,
Speaker 1: but he has not typically initiated anything. Even a BJA
Speaker 1: or hand job session has varied anywhere from two to
Speaker 1: three weeks at this point. I've talked to him about
Speaker 1: it and told him that I've been frustrated and feeling undesired.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure what to do. His responses keep varying
Speaker 1: and are confusing me. I've also asked him if he
Speaker 1: thinks he's asexual. He was depressed for a bit because
Speaker 1: he lost his job, but now he's got a new
Speaker 1: gig which has him working over time. It's April and
Speaker 1: I'm not really sure what to do now that we
Speaker 1: aren't being as intimate. I'm wondering if we're death than
Speaker 1: to be just friends. My needs are not being met,
Speaker 1: and although I've communicated with him on multiple occasions, nothing
Speaker 1: has changed. I'm sad, confused sexually frustrated and a bit
Speaker 1: helpless right now, I am not sure what to do. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's call you tender heart, because that's what I'm feeling
Speaker 1: in your message, that you are tenderhearted right now, high
Speaker 1: tender heart. First of all, I want to affirm that
Speaker 1: this is very frustrating, and I want to hold space
Speaker 1: for your sadness, for your confusion, for your sexual frustration.
Speaker 1: That's a lot, and especially since it's only it's been
Speaker 1: a short not only but it's been a short amount
Speaker 1: of time, right that you've been seeing this person less
Speaker 1: than a year. You know, the sex waiting so quickly
Speaker 1: can be confusing. Here's what I will offer, and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna hold your hand when I say this. Okay, actions
Speaker 1: speak louder than words, and so although his responses might
Speaker 1: be confusing, his actions are very clear. If you have communicated,
Speaker 1: you've asked the questions, you've asked about asexuality, you've asked
Speaker 1: about the get you, you've said what you've wanted, and
Speaker 1: there's no change, then now the ball is in your court,
Speaker 1: which is to say what do you need? And it
Speaker 1: might not be to be in this partnership or this relationship.
Speaker 1: If we were talking about you've been with this person
Speaker 1: for three or four years and this is happening. That's
Speaker 1: a very different conversation than within the first couple months.
Speaker 1: And I'm not I don't know anything about you know
Speaker 1: this partner, And there can be a myriad of reasons
Speaker 1: why they are no longer engaging in sex. That can
Speaker 1: be personal. They may not know how to communicate what
Speaker 1: they're experiencing. They might not even think that anything is wrong,
Speaker 1: but you feel it. And so I'm going to talk
Speaker 1: to you, tender heart and say that this might be
Speaker 1: And I don't want to tell you what to do,
Speaker 1: so again, and take what you need to, take what's useful,
Speaker 1: leave the rest. But this might be one of those
Speaker 1: moments where you have to choose you and you have
Speaker 1: to go, Okay, I see the actions, I hear the words,
Speaker 1: but they're not matching the actions, and I'm gonna trust
Speaker 1: the actions and this person I've asked for change and
Speaker 1: hasn't made change. And so now what do I want
Speaker 1: for myself? And if it's hard to make that change,
Speaker 1: I want you to think about yourself in third person.
Speaker 1: So if you were your best friend and your best
Speaker 1: friend wrote this tenderhearted letter, or said these tenderhearted things
Speaker 1: to you. What advice would you give them? My guess
Speaker 1: is you would say, hey, babe, you a badass bitch
Speaker 1: and you deserve more than what's happening. And so if
Speaker 1: you know homeboy is not making the change to the shifts,
Speaker 1: then you get to walk away. And that is sad,
Speaker 1: of course, and heartbreaking because you have somebody that you've
Speaker 1: connected to, but you can still be friends, you can
Speaker 1: still make a friendship, you can still make a connection.
Speaker 1: You don't have to lose that person completely, but they
Speaker 1: just might not be your romantic partner. Yeah, sometimes we're
Speaker 1: not compatible with people. It doesn't mean that we're not worthy,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that we're not a badass bitch. It just
Speaker 1: means we're not combatible. We're not aligned, and that's okay. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the sooner you get about the business of making a
Speaker 1: shift on your end, the sooner you will be able
Speaker 1: to make space for.
Speaker 2: A partner that you might be more aligned with.
Speaker 1: So be sad, grieve this relationship, grieve the excitement you
Speaker 1: had around it, and then also allow it to transform, shift, morph,
Speaker 1: and expand into something else.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Kinderheart, I love you. Thank you for this service.
Speaker 1: This next one says, honestly, would love to hear you
Speaker 1: talk more about post anal conversations when you're new to it.
Speaker 1: How mature conversation should sound if there are messes. I
Speaker 1: always feel so shameful and embarrassed even talking about the
Speaker 1: potential of anal play, even though it might not bother
Speaker 1: me personally. Don't get me wrong, No mess is best,
Speaker 1: but there's always a potential for one, and I might
Speaker 1: just need to explore to get over my fear. Any
Speaker 1: tips would help, Hi, what should we call you anal bestie?
Speaker 2: Lovely? Hi, anal bestie? I think this is such a
Speaker 2: great question and so important.
Speaker 1: The way that I think those conversations should go is
Speaker 1: full compassion and love. If a mess happens and somebody's
Speaker 1: like aal grows ah, I don't want to be around
Speaker 1: those fuckers at all, right, because, as you said, you
Speaker 1: were gonna do our best to not make a mess,
Speaker 1: but it is the fucking asshole. Shit happens, literally, and
Speaker 1: when it happens, you wonder that you're with people who
Speaker 1: are compassionate and the way the conversation should go. Especially
Speaker 1: I believe right the person who had the accident, the
Speaker 1: and it's not irresponsible to make the space compassionate. You
Speaker 1: are navigating a lot in that moment, so I think
Speaker 1: it's the responsibility of the other partner or partners to
Speaker 1: support you to you know, what do you need. Let's
Speaker 1: get you the shower, Let's clean this up, you know,
Speaker 1: reaffirm you you're good, don't worry it happens. I still
Speaker 1: find you sexy, right like you. Shitting should not make
Speaker 1: you less sexy, cause everybody shits, okay, even if you
Speaker 1: don't put nothing in your butt, all airbody shit, so
Speaker 1: you shitting should not or having an accident should not
Speaker 1: make you less attractive or less desirable. You might decide
Speaker 1: that you you know, we're not gonna have any more
Speaker 1: sex that evening, or obviously no more butt stuff, and
Speaker 1: take a shower and maybe we'll just do hand stuff.
Speaker 1: There are countless ways to figure out the aftermath of that,
Speaker 1: which I often say follow the lead of the the
Speaker 1: person whose butt is being played with. So you might
Speaker 1: decide after that, I don't want nothing near me and
Speaker 1: I just want to go home, and that's fine. You
Speaker 1: might also decide, okay, I just need to clean up,
Speaker 1: and then, you know, I want to do hand stuff
Speaker 1: or we can just like cuddle and that's also fine.
Speaker 2: I think I'm answering your question.
Speaker 1: But that's how that's how I would operate if I'm
Speaker 1: if my butt was not the one being played with
Speaker 1: and my partner had an accent, and I'm going to
Speaker 1: defer to them what they need and be of the
Speaker 1: utmost support to them. And if I'm the one who
Speaker 1: had the accident, uh, you know, I'm going to do
Speaker 1: my best in that moment to ask for what I need.
Speaker 1: But the hope is that I've picked a partner who
Speaker 1: is already compassionate and can you know, step in to
Speaker 1: support me in that?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Does that answer your question? I hope? So thanks Antal, Bestie.
Speaker 2: What a good question.
Speaker 1: So this one says, my mental health is spiraling. How
Speaker 1: do you make yourself believe you're worthy of love?
Speaker 2: I love this question.
Speaker 1: It's a common question, and also I would say a
Speaker 1: difficult question because people always say love yourself, But what
Speaker 1: is the what are the steps to that? I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say this right now. Everybody steps or blueprint to that
Speaker 1: is going to be different. But I will offer you
Speaker 1: what has worked for me, and my hope is that
Speaker 1: you know, you'll take what you know what what my
Speaker 1: mentor yous always say, like, take what's useful, take what
Speaker 1: you need to leave the rest. But at the very least,
Speaker 1: if I give you this little base, it might inspire
Speaker 1: other things that you can add to your toolbox towards
Speaker 1: getting there. Because I think loving yourself. You know, it
Speaker 1: always sounds cheesy and corny when we talk about it,
Speaker 1: but it is literally the most important part of this
Speaker 1: existence of yours. It will change your life from being
Speaker 1: this miserable, burdensome thing to something that feels light and loving.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying what will still be hard, and life
Speaker 1: is hard and hard things happen, but you don't need
Speaker 1: to add not loving yourself.
Speaker 2: To the baggage.
Speaker 1: So I think it all starts with knowing that you're lovable.
Speaker 1: And I say, no, not believing. Believing will come with
Speaker 1: time and with work. But there is a need or
Speaker 1: not a need, there's a necessity to know that you're lovable,
Speaker 1: and I'll talk about ways to do that. But also
Speaker 1: you can dedicate your life to yourself. You talk to
Speaker 1: yourself in third person and you commit to it, so
Speaker 1: you know, I become my advocate. I think about myself
Speaker 1: as you know, what if I'm my own parent? So
Speaker 1: how am I talking to Brandon? Am I critical? Am
Speaker 1: I judgmental? Am I yelling? Am I rageful?
Speaker 2: Am I angry?
Speaker 1: Or? Am I gentle? Am I soft? Am I compassionate?
Speaker 1: Am I curious? How are you talking to yourself? It
Speaker 1: really does help, you know in the beginning stages, talk
Speaker 1: to yourself in third person without you go, without arrogance,
Speaker 1: just like all right, Brandon, I hear you on this,
Speaker 1: but you're fine, or let me give you some grace,
Speaker 1: or how are you talking to yourself?
Speaker 2: Is important.
Speaker 1: Finding your resources for that support of yourself, whether it's
Speaker 1: a therapist, whether it's podcasts, books. Some books that have
Speaker 1: really helped me on this journey was Gifts of Imperfection,
Speaker 1: The Artist Way, Happiness Advantage. I will also offer my
Speaker 1: book You Got to Be You as a resource. But
Speaker 1: there are people writing about mental health and building your
Speaker 1: life and living softer.
Speaker 2: What is that book?
Speaker 1: Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hearsy, which you know, all
Speaker 1: about giving yourself permission to rest. A lot of times,
Speaker 1: as we're hating on ourselves, we also make sure that
Speaker 1: we're not ever relaxing. We're just working because we're chasing
Speaker 1: our worth. Our productivity makes us feel like we're worthy
Speaker 1: of something, and so we we overwork and we overextend
Speaker 1: our bodies. And so I find that book also incredibly helpful.
Speaker 1: Find the authors or creators who reflect your identity and
Speaker 1: watch them speak about their journey. So you have social media,
Speaker 1: we have you know, podcasts, books like who are the
Speaker 1: people that have your similar experience whether it's that they're
Speaker 1: also black, or they're also queer, or they are you know,
Speaker 1: also for generation, or they're also you know, from New
Speaker 1: York or from wherever you're from, like whatever it is, like,
Speaker 1: find somebody who has similarities to you and listen to
Speaker 1: them speak about their journey. I do this thing which
Speaker 1: I love, which is I call evening with my ancestors
Speaker 1: and elders, which is essentially I will spend the evening
Speaker 1: or the afternoon watching YouTube videos of like may Angelo
Speaker 1: or Nikki Giovanni or James Baldwin or Beyonce or Laura
Speaker 1: and Hill and just like watch them in interviews or
Speaker 1: watch their art or in cage with their art, and
Speaker 1: remind myself that like they've been through shit too, and
Speaker 1: so they've been through shit and we're able to overcome shit,
Speaker 1: and so like, so can I and what can I learn?
Speaker 1: What nuggets of wisdom can I gain from them? Affirmations
Speaker 1: rewiring your brain? So you know, it's not about positive
Speaker 1: talk or toxic positive talk. It is that when I
Speaker 1: talk about, you know, keeping your brain in a compassionate
Speaker 1: space to be. So you know, if I'm gonna say, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna use this.
Speaker 2: My nose is too.
Speaker 1: Big, or I hate my nose, my nose is ugly,
Speaker 1: then I need something to counteract that, which is my
Speaker 1: nose is beautiful, or my nose is perfect. The way
Speaker 1: it is, So when those negative thoughts come up, you
Speaker 1: have you have at your fingertips the affirmation to rewire.
Speaker 1: Re wiring is it just gonna happen without active engagement.
Speaker 1: So the negative talk isn't just gonna disappear. You're gonna
Speaker 1: need to replace it with something else. And so sitting
Speaker 1: down and like, what are what are the constant things
Speaker 1: that you're always telling yourself, those negative bad things? What
Speaker 1: is the inverse of it? Can you have those at
Speaker 1: your fingertips? You know I am if you're like, I'm
Speaker 1: such a failure at this, at this thing, whatever it
Speaker 1: is you in versus I am always learning and I'm successful.
Speaker 1: Even before you are successful, say I am successful, Even
Speaker 1: before you have the thing that you want, say it,
Speaker 1: Say the thing that you're becoming, and speak into that
Speaker 1: because all the time where you spend your energy is
Speaker 1: what's going to manifest.
Speaker 2: So you spend your energy saying that.
Speaker 1: You're a failure, that your nose is ugly, that you suck,
Speaker 1: that you're like, then that will be what but blossoms.
Speaker 1: But if you can spend your time talking about the
Speaker 1: things that you're becoming, the spaces that you see yourself
Speaker 1: and the things that you want for your life, then
Speaker 1: you just you start to pivot towards that energy. And
Speaker 1: the last thing I'm going to offer you is, you
Speaker 1: know an exercise that I think really helps support in
Speaker 1: knowing that you're lovable. And it's a visualization exercise that
Speaker 1: I learned from one of my theater teachers, Peggy Petit,
Speaker 1: and I've taught it myself and it's actually in my
Speaker 1: stage show ho Church that I'm doing this fall, and
Speaker 1: so I'll do it with you now because we're talking
Speaker 1: about how to love yourself, and this is one of
Speaker 1: the tools that I use to remember and to know
Speaker 1: that I'm lovable, and so I will share this with
Speaker 1: you right now. You can consider this like a meditation
Speaker 1: in case you're like theater shit, It's like a visualization meditation,
Speaker 1: if you will. Also, I am recording this from home,
Speaker 1: and it is spring, so you may hear some birds
Speaker 1: chirping in the background. Allow it to kind of build
Speaker 1: out the ambiance for our meditation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's go now.
Speaker 1: If you are driving, you don't want to pull over
Speaker 1: for this. If you are on the subway or on
Speaker 1: the train, you know you don't have to close your eyes.
Speaker 1: I'm going to offer you to close your eyes, but
Speaker 1: you know, ideally you can maybe if you need to
Speaker 1: save this, pause here and save this from when you're
Speaker 1: by yourself. But girls, sometimes we are never by ourselves.
Speaker 1: So wherever you are is totally fine. But just don't
Speaker 1: be driving. If you are comfortable, close your eyes and
Speaker 1: only go as deeply into this as feels good to you.
Speaker 3: Okay, in hall and exhale, in.
Speaker 4: Helle and exhale as you keep breathing.
Speaker 1: I want you to think about someone who loves you well,
Speaker 1: living or past, parent, grandparent, partner, bestie, teacher, coworker, pet truly,
Speaker 1: no wrong answers, just someone who loves you well. Think
Speaker 1: about what they look like, what they smell like, what
Speaker 1: is their voice sound like?
Speaker 2: Now? What does their love feel like? Warm?
Speaker 1: Safe, honest? How do they show their love? Forehead kisses,
Speaker 1: tight hugs, words of affirmation, saving you a plate of food?
Speaker 1: How do they show their love? Can you, in your
Speaker 1: mind thank them for the way they love you?
Speaker 2: Can you, in your mind.
Speaker 1: Let them know you love them? And what does that
Speaker 1: love between the two of you feel like? Hold on
Speaker 1: to that feeling, hold on to it, dight.
Speaker 2: And now.
Speaker 1: See yourself. It could be yourself right now, It could
Speaker 1: be yourself twenty years ago, twenty years from now, see
Speaker 1: some version of yourself. No wrong answers, and however you want,
Speaker 1: give yourself some.
Speaker 2: Of that love.
Speaker 4: Breathe.
Speaker 1: We're gonna inhale and on an exhale as genuinely as possible.
Speaker 1: We're gonna say out loud, I love you ho. Okay,
Speaker 1: whatever comes up for you is fine. Okay, it could
Speaker 1: be silly, It could be whatever comes up for you,
Speaker 1: it is fine.
Speaker 2: Are you ready? All right?
Speaker 1: Inhale and ex heal, I love you ho again inhale
Speaker 1: and exhale, I love you Ho.
Speaker 2: And one more time, baby in hell.
Speaker 1: And exhale, I love you Ho. And whenever you're ready,
Speaker 1: gently open your eyes and you can say it to
Speaker 1: yourself again. Let's inhale and exhale, I love you Ho.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So, as you move through your days, as you move
Speaker 1: through your life, when things get hard and rough and tough,
Speaker 1: when you find yourself beating yourself up or not being compassionate,
Speaker 1: where your mind just feels heavy and burdensome, come back
Speaker 1: to this. Remember the people who love you, remember what
Speaker 1: their love feels like, and then see yourself and give
Speaker 1: yourself that love. You can simply go I love you O,
Speaker 1: or I love you, whatever your name is, I love you, Brandon,
Speaker 1: I love you.
Speaker 2: I love you.
Speaker 1: Say that, say that to yourself and it might be
Speaker 1: hard to believe it again. This is not about believing it.
Speaker 1: That will take time. But you know that you're lovable.
Speaker 1: And if you ever need a reminder, hear my voice
Speaker 1: reminding you you are lovable. I would never lie to you.
Speaker 1: You are lovable right now as you are. You are loved.
Speaker 1: You are so so deeply loved. I do not say
Speaker 1: that with any kind of exaggeration. You are so deeply
Speaker 1: loved and you have not even met all the people
Speaker 1: in the world who are gonna love you yet.
Speaker 2: Baby.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I want you to love yourself best. So
Speaker 1: every day get about the business of loving yourself. Every day,
Speaker 1: take a moment to say to yourself, I love you.
Speaker 1: How okay if you can look in the mirror, if
Speaker 1: you need to, you got a mirror, pull up your
Speaker 1: camera on your phone, look at yourself, look at your
Speaker 1: beautiful fucking self, and say I love you. Ho.
Speaker 2: All right, Well, that is it for ask Messy Mom. Baby.
Speaker 2: We did it first, asked Messy Mom episode. I hope
Speaker 2: you enjoyed.
Speaker 1: If you have questions, obviously submissions. If you you know,
Speaker 1: have stories, you can always email me at tell me
Speaker 1: something Messy at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: It takes me a second.
Speaker 1: I know some of these messages I got or a
Speaker 1: long time ago or a few months ago or whatnot,
Speaker 1: So it can take me a second, but you know
Speaker 1: we'll get there.
Speaker 2: We get there. Also, don't forget.
Speaker 1: You can join me for more mess on my substack
Speaker 1: Brandon Kagaman dot substack dot com. We were like number
Speaker 1: eighty five ranked number eighty five in the health and
Speaker 1: wellness category last week and this week we're number sixty three,
Speaker 1: So y'all are joining and I'm so excited.
Speaker 2: To have you there.
Speaker 1: This week we dropped the video from Katia's episode of.
Speaker 2: Our pod You know months later, but here we are.
Speaker 1: We had a live stream with Vspare from Under the
Speaker 1: Desk News and one of you asked for a playlist
Speaker 1: that made you feel soft and love. So there are many,
Speaker 1: many messy goodies that I got for you there. Plus
Speaker 1: when you become a paid subscriber, which is five dollars
Speaker 1: a month, you get access to monthly essays, our group
Speaker 1: chat with other hommunity members, and my subsec exclusive pod,
Speaker 1: Hey Everybody, which drops every Friday where I answer more
Speaker 1: of your questions, give you updates on my life, personal
Speaker 1: and professional and other messy things.
Speaker 2: Let's take a listen to.
Speaker 1: A clip from last week's Hey Everybody. Most he came
Speaker 1: before was five times not with me, so we set
Speaker 1: a new record. He usually fucks my throat when he comes,
Speaker 1: so hard to know the amount. He's back in the morning.
Speaker 1: He does this in my bed while he's at work
Speaker 1: quote unquote watches straight porn with headphones, but he gives
Speaker 1: me verbal directions sometimes and uses hands on the back
Speaker 1: of my head. Also calls me fag sometimes because I've
Speaker 1: asked him to controversial I know, thinking of asking him
Speaker 1: to say good boy after each time I swallow.
Speaker 2: Well, hello, patron.
Speaker 1: Uh wow, dope, get it. What will I address here,
Speaker 1: which is to say, multi orgasmic is great? I actually
Speaker 1: think a lot of dudes can have Well, I guess
Speaker 1: you're considering multi orgasms the amount of times he comes,
Speaker 1: because I can probably only come once or twice depending.
Speaker 2: I ain't come a five times. I don't know about that.
Speaker 2: Have I ever come five times? I mean, we'd take
Speaker 2: me a minute, but I have.
Speaker 1: I do have body orgasms, and I do think that
Speaker 1: a lot of guys and male bodied folks can have
Speaker 1: multiple orgasms if you're including body orgasms, if they okay,
Speaker 1: Juicy questions deserve juicy answers.
Speaker 2: So yeah, sometimes I'll answer you a lot of times.
Speaker 1: I'll answer one of your questions over there, I'll give
Speaker 1: you some bts about what's happening, and I'll tell you
Speaker 1: some messy things and also just give you some more
Speaker 1: insight on what we've discussed on this podcast. Tell me
Speaker 1: something messy over there on the Hey Everybody Substack podcast,
Speaker 1: so I.
Speaker 2: Hope you'll join me.
Speaker 1: Also on Monday night, we do these substack live, so
Speaker 1: I stream live at nine pm Eastern six pm Pacific.
Speaker 1: It's called Messy Mondays at Night. And this coming Monday,
Speaker 1: the what's the date for the next Monday. It is
Speaker 1: the twenty eighth. Consciously will be my guest, and I
Speaker 1: love him so much. He is so smart and brilliant
Speaker 1: and so wise. And we're gonna be talking about mental
Speaker 1: health and allyship and advocacy and all those wonderful things
Speaker 1: that we get into here on the pod. I love
Speaker 1: you so much. I love you so much. Again again
Speaker 1: again I say I love you so fucking much. Okay whah.
Speaker 1: You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon
Speaker 1: Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me
Speaker 1: Something Messy, and you can join our community on the
Speaker 1: Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,
Speaker 1: recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,
Speaker 1: your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell
Speaker 1: Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also
Speaker 1: call us at six six nine sixty nine Messy. That
Speaker 1: is six six nine six ninety six three seven seven nine,
Speaker 1: rate review, and share this podcast with all your hoe
Speaker 1: and aspiring hoe friends.
Speaker 2: Really really helps the show out.
Speaker 1: All right. Until next time, ask about the politics of
Speaker 1: that dick before you make it spit, make sure they
Speaker 1: eat the kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation
Speaker 1: or succation communication. And in case you haven't heard it yet,
Speaker 1: today you are so deeply loved. Hi, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If you
Speaker 1: all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone else
Speaker 1: who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive
Speaker 1: produced by Ali Pair Sorry, Gabrielle Collins, and yours truly.
Speaker 1: Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app
Speaker 1: or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.