Speaker 1: Uh, can I ask you about how you came to
Speaker 1: the realization that you were a woman? And I started
Speaker 1: taking inventory of myself and I discovered that I was
Speaker 1: a woman. My coworkers and I were going to a
Speaker 1: Genera concert in San of the Casino, and this was
Speaker 1: my first outing full time as a woman. Here I
Speaker 1: am at a big event. They're gonna clock me, they're
Speaker 1: gonna name call me, they're gonna they're gonna like I'm
Speaker 1: going down. It's because of women like you that are
Speaker 1: open enough to share their stories that are going to
Speaker 1: change the game in the transgender community. Hello everyone, and
Speaker 1: welcome to another episode of che He's in Chill. I'm
Speaker 1: your host, Cheek E's, and I hope you all are
Speaker 1: having a great day. For today's episode, we're going to
Speaker 1: be opening up our hearts and our minds because we're
Speaker 1: going to be diving into a very important topic, one
Speaker 1: that isn't talked about enough in my opinion, especially in
Speaker 1: the lent community. We're going to be joined by a
Speaker 1: transgender woman and here's some of the challenges she's faced
Speaker 1: throughout her life. I'm really looking forward to this conversation,
Speaker 1: so let's dive right into it. Guys. This is chick
Speaker 1: Eas and Chilly. Today's guest is Emiol. She is an actor,
Speaker 1: writer and a podcast host. He'd invite me over to
Speaker 1: have dinner with his family. I knew he didn't tell
Speaker 1: them that it was transgender, and I didn't know if
Speaker 1: being new or not. Adam said, if this question ever
Speaker 1: comes up, just her new podcast, Crumbs, is part of
Speaker 1: you Know the family. I Heart Radio Network, and we
Speaker 1: will learn a little bit more about that a little later,
Speaker 1: but let's hear more about her story. Welcome, Emmy. It's
Speaker 1: so good to hear from you. How are you, Hi, geez,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited
Speaker 1: to be here, of course, No, I'm really excited. This
Speaker 1: is something that I'm very passionate about. I've had personal
Speaker 1: experiences and I have family members, and not only that,
Speaker 1: I feel that it is a huge taboo still in
Speaker 1: our Latin community, and this is why I'm so excited
Speaker 1: to have a podcast where we're able to speak about
Speaker 1: anything and everything that we want. So, first of all,
Speaker 1: congratulations on your podcast Crumbs. Thank you, that's awesome. I'm
Speaker 1: so so excited You're part of the family. So right here, Okay,
Speaker 1: so I can tell you're such a strong and positive force,
Speaker 1: but I know you probably weren't always like this. Can
Speaker 1: you share a little bit about your background. Where did
Speaker 1: you grow up. I'm from San Diego, so California girl.
Speaker 1: My mom was fourteen but she had me. My dad
Speaker 1: was sixteen, and my parents were gang being troubles from
Speaker 1: rival gangs. No way, so interesting how they met, but
Speaker 1: here I am. You know, they hadn't when they were
Speaker 1: so young, and they didn't know what the heck they
Speaker 1: were doing. I had really no structure whatsoever. Growing up.
Speaker 1: I was allowed to do whatever I wanted because they
Speaker 1: didn't know what they were doing. These were just kids
Speaker 1: having kids. Did you feel like you were growing up
Speaker 1: also with your parents like you felt like because my
Speaker 1: mom was fifteen when she had me, so I sometimes
Speaker 1: even felt like I was her mom sometimes, you know.
Speaker 1: So interesting, No, because my parents shortly after I was
Speaker 1: born became menting to drugs, and so that started their
Speaker 1: cycle of like being in institutions. Actually, my dad kind
Speaker 1: of dipped out when I was one year old, so
Speaker 1: it's pretty much my mom and me, and then my
Speaker 1: grandmother stepped in to raise me. Okay, so you were
Speaker 1: raised by your grandmother, I was okay, And do you
Speaker 1: have siblings, emmy, I do, yeah, and the eldest our
Speaker 1: age differences are seven, twelve and nineteen. But you know,
Speaker 1: my grandma stepped in to raise me. She provided me
Speaker 1: with stability, home love while my mom was out doing
Speaker 1: her stuff, doing her hustle. She was in and out.
Speaker 1: So I didn't really have a really strong relationship from
Speaker 1: the beginning with my mom until I was a little
Speaker 1: bit older. Okay, I see, But thank goodness for your grandma. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she was an amazing woman. And talking about her, did
Speaker 1: you were you open with her about what you felt like?
Speaker 1: How old were you when you started feeling did you
Speaker 1: feel that way? You can? I ask you? Did you
Speaker 1: feel trapped in in another body? Like? Can you explain
Speaker 1: to me like your experience. Yeah, No, that wasn't my experience.
Speaker 1: I didn't feel trapped in another body as a kid.
Speaker 1: I felt like it was very different. And maybe I
Speaker 1: think because it was the eighties, things were so different.
Speaker 1: We didn't have the terminology that we have now. The
Speaker 1: lifestyle was completely different. Growing up in a very Mexican household,
Speaker 1: that just wasn't something you talk about. Everyone knew that
Speaker 1: I was different. Okay, So I was born little blonde hair,
Speaker 1: blue eyed little boy who acted like a girl. I
Speaker 1: was very feminine, and from the get go people knew
Speaker 1: that I was different. So my grandmother, she knew that
Speaker 1: I was different. So she protected me a lot, especially
Speaker 1: from my aunts, because my aunts were like that, you
Speaker 1: don't nor whatever exactly, Like my grandmo was like, they
Speaker 1: can't know, they can't mean, because you know, I was
Speaker 1: her favorite. She was raising me and she protected me.
Speaker 1: That was kind of short lived because when I was
Speaker 1: seven years old, my grandmother disappeared. And what happened is
Speaker 1: I was seven years old. I was taken to school,
Speaker 1: my grandmother was arrested. I was picked up by my
Speaker 1: paternal grandparents and they told me that my Mamilicia, my grandmother,
Speaker 1: was in jail with my mom, with my stepdad, with
Speaker 1: my aunt, with the maid, with the mechanic. Everyone who
Speaker 1: was at the house that day got arrested. We had
Speaker 1: been under investigation for some time now. Cover story of
Speaker 1: the San Diego Union Tribune. Right this woman is arrested
Speaker 1: for trafficking four SENTI five pounds of cocaine across the border.
Speaker 1: One of her workers dot caught and away. She went,
Speaker 1: so all the stability that I had with my grandmother.
Speaker 1: You know, she gave me everything I ever wanted, material, possessions, love.
Speaker 1: I felt like it was unconditional love. And then that's
Speaker 1: when my mom stepped in. She had to. She had
Speaker 1: no choice because what was going to happen to me? So,
Speaker 1: you know, she did the best that she could, still
Speaker 1: using drugs, she got pregnant. She had my sister, Andrea,
Speaker 1: and she taught me how to make a bottle, how
Speaker 1: to change a diaper, said I'll be back. She didn't
Speaker 1: come back that night. The very next morning, my aunt
Speaker 1: picked us up. My mom had been arrested hustling in
Speaker 1: her drug use, and my sister and I were separated.
Speaker 1: I went to live with my paternal grandparents. My sister
Speaker 1: went with an aunt. And from that moment, you start
Speaker 1: feeling like what is wrong with me? I knew I
Speaker 1: was different. I didn't like the same things that other
Speaker 1: boys liked. I got made fun of, you know, like
Speaker 1: you're like really derogatory chicks that they would use, you know,
Speaker 1: especially the Latinos used that word so much. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: I grew up with just so much shame about who
Speaker 1: I was. After a year my mom being incarcerated. She
Speaker 1: got released to a halfway house, and what happened is
Speaker 1: she skipped parole and she moved this to school, which
Speaker 1: is where my family is from. We were pretty much
Speaker 1: on the run for four years. I'm gonna say that's
Speaker 1: when I really bonded with my mom because she was
Speaker 1: clean from drugs. My grandmother from prison was still giving
Speaker 1: orders like you know, this is what you're gonna do,
Speaker 1: this is how you're gonna live. She had properties in Mexico,
Speaker 1: so nothing was missing. We had everything we needed. We
Speaker 1: were provided for, so my mom didn't even have to work.
Speaker 1: She's just was the housewife. But then she picked up
Speaker 1: drugs again and we ended up coming back to the
Speaker 1: US when my sister Daniela was born, and we've been
Speaker 1: here since. You were how old when your sister Andrea
Speaker 1: was was born? You said seven? You were seven, okay,
Speaker 1: So that that happened all so quickly, like being under
Speaker 1: your grandma's wing, and then she was gone, and then
Speaker 1: you had your sister. Your mom had your sister Andrea,
Speaker 1: and then you had this responsibility since so young. Like
Speaker 1: that's where I feel like we have that in common
Speaker 1: where we're the eldest, and we have this responsibility that
Speaker 1: wasn't really ours at such a young age, and it
Speaker 1: forces us to mature so quickly and kind of miss
Speaker 1: out on our childhood. Did you feel like you missed
Speaker 1: out on your childhood in some way? I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I had a childhood. And this is what one
Speaker 1: of the resentments I always had towards my mom that
Speaker 1: I didn't get to live as a kid. I was
Speaker 1: always picking up after her. I was in charge of
Speaker 1: cleaning and combing Andrea's hair, getting her ready for school,
Speaker 1: picking out her outfits, caring for her, and also, like
Speaker 1: you know, the protective person, and he wanted to make
Speaker 1: sure that she was shielded from things that happened as
Speaker 1: a result of my mom being in her addiction. Did
Speaker 1: you feel like at times that you resented her in
Speaker 1: a way? Your mom? Absolutely. I know you've talked about this,
Speaker 1: like I loved her, but I didn't like her. You know,
Speaker 1: I had so much resentment growing up towards my mom,
Speaker 1: and I said, I will never do drugs, I will
Speaker 1: never be an alcoholic. I wanted to be very different,
Speaker 1: and so I applied myself. I applied myself in school
Speaker 1: and I said, I'm going to be an honor student.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go to college. I'm going to get a degree.
Speaker 1: I'm going to break the cycle of like this fuck up,
Speaker 1: dysfunctional family that I have. I did pretty good for
Speaker 1: the most part. So you know, even throughout high school,
Speaker 1: I was still like very effeminate. Everyone just said, you know,
Speaker 1: the gay kid or or whatever, you know, those terrible
Speaker 1: things that we grew up Back then, Queer was like
Speaker 1: not a cool word, and that's what they would call me.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing I want to preface, like everything I
Speaker 1: mentioned is my experience. Right, there's like no umbrella term
Speaker 1: for the trans community. It's just my experience, which I
Speaker 1: was going to tell you. I saw that especially with
Speaker 1: your podcast. It's kind of this is my experience. I'm
Speaker 1: not representing the community as a whole. It's just this
Speaker 1: is who I am, and I'm speaking about myself, which
Speaker 1: I like, I think it's I think it's a good thing.
Speaker 1: And then I respect that. So absolutely you you thank you.
Speaker 1: This is your space too, so you go ahead and
Speaker 1: say like it is. So then you know what happened
Speaker 1: is I was gonna I got admitted to three universities.
Speaker 1: I was so excited because I was finally on my
Speaker 1: way to be successful. And then my mother got arrested
Speaker 1: at the border for crossing I have the amount of methamphetamines.
Speaker 1: She was given a prison sentence, and my sisters were
Speaker 1: being shuffled from house to house. My grandmother, who was
Speaker 1: out of prison at the time, she was older, and
Speaker 1: she said, I can't take care of these girls. It's
Speaker 1: too much for me. Because by this time I had
Speaker 1: a little Adrian. He had already been born and she
Speaker 1: was taking care of him and he was a baby.
Speaker 1: So what happened is I put my life on hold.
Speaker 1: I got a job that paid me well. I went
Speaker 1: before the judge and I got custody of my two
Speaker 1: younger sisters and I raised them. And that was the
Speaker 1: most challenging thing that I've ever gone through, but also
Speaker 1: the most rewarding one. They became like my everything. Oh
Speaker 1: my goodness. I mean, we have a lot in common.
Speaker 1: Your baby brother was how old at this time, So
Speaker 1: Adrian was about a year old baby. He was a
Speaker 1: baby baby back then. So you weren't able to go
Speaker 1: to the university. You just said, I'm going to get
Speaker 1: a job and try to raise my sisters exactly, and
Speaker 1: that's what I did. I did the best that I could.
Speaker 1: I mean, they didn't come with instructions, and I was
Speaker 1: just like, fuck it, I'm gonna do what I think
Speaker 1: is the best for them and just give them stability,
Speaker 1: show them that there is a better way of life
Speaker 1: out here, because by this time, you know, my mom,
Speaker 1: they're living in motels, they're living in random places, and
Speaker 1: so they're me picking up the bad habits my sister
Speaker 1: and that I was kind of headed that way, and
Speaker 1: I was like, God, I don't want my sister. I
Speaker 1: really don't want that for her because I had so
Speaker 1: much fear that she was gonna end up on drugs
Speaker 1: in jail or dead. That's like my biggest fear, and
Speaker 1: I carry that fear for so long with my parents.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I stepped in. I raised them. But all
Speaker 1: the resentment and all the like hate I felt towards
Speaker 1: my mom just grew and grew and grew, because here
Speaker 1: I am picking up after her again and putting my
Speaker 1: life on hold. I started abusing alcohol. That was like
Speaker 1: my way to cope, and then that led to other stuff, okay,
Speaker 1: like hard drugs, harder drugs that led to me blacking out.
Speaker 1: I'm a blackout drinker. Like I drink enough and I
Speaker 1: black out. Wake up and I hear about things that
Speaker 1: I did, and it's like, holy sh it, I did that,
Speaker 1: Like I can't see myself doing that. I was so
Speaker 1: unhappy with the person who I was. I knew that
Speaker 1: I wasn't happy internally. Yes, I was abusing alcoholis abusing drugs,
Speaker 1: but also when I looked in the mirror cheeks, I
Speaker 1: didn't like what I saw. And you hadn't transitioned at
Speaker 1: this point, correct, but you had accepted I'm gay or
Speaker 1: you hadn't accepted that. It's interesting because I had accepted
Speaker 1: that I was gay. However, I didn't have that experience
Speaker 1: of like I'm gay, I'm out and proud and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna like go day and have fun. That wasn't my experience.
Speaker 1: I was ashamed that I was gay. I couldn't find
Speaker 1: my place because I wasn't dating gay man. I wasn't
Speaker 1: attracted to them, so I didn't really have relationships as
Speaker 1: a gay man. It's interesting, and I that's the only
Speaker 1: way I can explain it. I couldn't find my place.
Speaker 1: The reason I asked these questions is because my brother Johnny,
Speaker 1: he's he's my baby. We went through this, you know
Speaker 1: where he went through like no I he was eleven
Speaker 1: years old and he was just confused about his sexuality
Speaker 1: and for a long time he was just upset and
Speaker 1: had these thoughts of suicide. And it was so hard
Speaker 1: art because he was like, this is what I like,
Speaker 1: but I don't want to like what I like, like
Speaker 1: I want to be quote unquote normal. And it took
Speaker 1: a while to just say, Johnny, like, you need to
Speaker 1: just say it out loud and little by little. I
Speaker 1: can't push you into saying it loud and proud, but
Speaker 1: you have if this is what you like, this is
Speaker 1: what your body desires, you have two little by little
Speaker 1: start accepting that because if not, it's going to cause
Speaker 1: other things. And I think maybe this is what I'm hearing.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. I mean, obviously you did
Speaker 1: have a very rough childhood and your parents and then
Speaker 1: your grandma and then having to take the responsibility of
Speaker 1: your sisters. You felt alone and you felt like you
Speaker 1: didn't have a support system. Is that correct? And it
Speaker 1: kind of lead you into alcohol. Makes me feel good
Speaker 1: for the moment. A big part of it is that
Speaker 1: I felt like I had let my family down right.
Speaker 1: I was like the first born male. My family is
Speaker 1: very Mexican Catholic, and I felt very traditional. And my grandmother,
Speaker 1: not my mom's mom, but my dad's mom, would tell
Speaker 1: me things like and you know, things like that, like
Speaker 1: since it's always a kid. I could see the look
Speaker 1: of disappointment in their face when they'd see me, or
Speaker 1: the way I expressed myself, and then my grandmother would say,
Speaker 1: I know I'm looking nas that was hurtful, of course, absolutely, dude. Yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like they don't realize that things that
Speaker 1: they say are elders, like how much they can affect
Speaker 1: our life. Our hearts are little minds, you know, because
Speaker 1: you're so young, you're still trying to figure things out
Speaker 1: within yourself, within your body, and then having someone that
Speaker 1: you love tell you this, it's just absolutely I totally
Speaker 1: get that. And when did you start your transition? How
Speaker 1: old were you when you started? So what happened is
Speaker 1: I try to kill myself? Oh man? Yeah, after years
Speaker 1: of abusing drugs and alcohol, I decided that I didn't
Speaker 1: want to live anymore. I drink a bottle of pills,
Speaker 1: a big old bottle. My sisters and found me, and
Speaker 1: by this time and that I was driving, so she
Speaker 1: drove me to the hospital to the emergency room. My
Speaker 1: liver started to shut down. I was hospitalized for seven days,
Speaker 1: and on the last day that I was there, the
Speaker 1: doctor said, you know what, you're very lucky that you're
Speaker 1: not dead. You put your liver through hell, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: discharge you. Just take it easy. So I'm excited, like
Speaker 1: I'm packing, I'm getting ready to go home. And then
Speaker 1: these two E m t s walk up. They asked
Speaker 1: for me by name, and they said, we're going to
Speaker 1: take you to the psychiatric ward because this was technically
Speaker 1: a suicide attempt. So there I go into the psych word.
Speaker 1: I walk in and it wasn't my first time there.
Speaker 1: I had been a regular there because I had so
Speaker 1: many fucking demons inside me that I just always wanted
Speaker 1: to offer myself. And the doctor said, hey, welcome back.
Speaker 1: He saw my chart. He said, you know what, I
Speaker 1: really want you to look around the rooms here. And
Speaker 1: I looked and you could see the patients nodding off
Speaker 1: in a corner, you know, And he said, these people
Speaker 1: here have severe mental issues. And I suspect that what
Speaker 1: you have is an addiction problem. So I'm going to
Speaker 1: make a deal with you. I'm gonna let you out
Speaker 1: of here if you check out recovery a recovery meeting.
Speaker 1: You know, at this time, I feel like this small
Speaker 1: I have nothing to lose. So I said, all right,
Speaker 1: let's do it. I started going to these meetings and
Speaker 1: I started doing the work that we do in a
Speaker 1: top step program, and I started taking inventory of myself
Speaker 1: and I discovered that I was a woman. That was
Speaker 1: a turning point for me. And do you feel that
Speaker 1: ever since that happened, where you're like, I'm a woman,
Speaker 1: you felt like you were happier in every way? Or
Speaker 1: was it still a little bit of an uphill battle? Okay,
Speaker 1: So I played with a thought for months, and it
Speaker 1: was a bit of an uphill battle because I thought
Speaker 1: of everyone else. I thought of my sisters, I thought
Speaker 1: of my grandparents, I thought of my friends. This was
Speaker 1: a big commitment and I had to be sure that
Speaker 1: I was going to take this leap of faith. And
Speaker 1: it's a scary one. Oh my god, it was so scary.
Speaker 1: And so I started seeing a doctor about hormones. I
Speaker 1: started taking the hormones before going full time as a woman.
Speaker 1: I was working at the time at the phone company,
Speaker 1: and I told him, Hey, this is what's going to happen.
Speaker 1: I'm going to transition. And they're like, okay, great, They're
Speaker 1: very cool about it. Just bring us any sort of
Speaker 1: like documentation, any legal name change or whatever. So I
Speaker 1: did that, and then it was time to tell my family.
Speaker 1: My mom's side of the family is very conservative. My
Speaker 1: dad's side of the family, even though they're very much
Speaker 1: he'stas and very like be a boy, be a boy.
Speaker 1: They they're more what's the word. So then being like
Speaker 1: they're cool, like there, they have fun, they drink. Okay,
Speaker 1: they're a little bit more open minded. I guess you
Speaker 1: can say that. Okay, my mom's family is a little
Speaker 1: more proper, and my dad's family is more like you
Speaker 1: know this melody, okay, yeah, So yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1: I don't know how I get it down tripped. So
Speaker 1: I sat down with my nana, with my daughta and
Speaker 1: my uncle and I told him, Nana got that. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to remember exactly what I told him. Damn it,
Speaker 1: what was it. I was just so fucking nervous, and
Speaker 1: I said, just get it. Out quick, get it out quick.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my goodness. And I remember that. I remember.
Speaker 1: I remember their eyes were just like dead stare and
Speaker 1: it was just like silence at the table. Nobody was
Speaker 1: saying anything, and I'm dying inside. I'm like, holy sh it,
Speaker 1: what did I just do? And then my nana, she's
Speaker 1: such a jokester, she looks at me, she's like the first,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, that was like the first thing she said,
Speaker 1: and that just like broke the eyes. Everybody started laughing.
Speaker 1: And then my daughter just said like okay, and it
Speaker 1: was like that, Wow, here's the thing. Check. By this time,
Speaker 1: I had already put my family through hell with my addiction,
Speaker 1: with my drinking. They just wanted me to be safe.
Speaker 1: They wanted me to be happy. They wanted me to
Speaker 1: be living because the things that happened to me in
Speaker 1: my addiction we're freaking scary. We're talking about I'd get
Speaker 1: lost in the juana for days and they didn't know
Speaker 1: if I was dead or alive. Okay, how long was this?
Speaker 1: How many years of this give or take do you think? Oh,
Speaker 1: let's see, I'm gonna say good five six years of it? Okay.
Speaker 1: So it was very It was tormenting for for them emotionally,
Speaker 1: I'm sure so for them to be getting calls at
Speaker 1: two o'clock, three o'clock in the morning that I'm stranded
Speaker 1: or that I'm in trouble, or that I'm here, that
Speaker 1: I'm in a hospital. This was just like, you know,
Speaker 1: when I got sober, they were like, oh, thank god.
Speaker 1: So by the time I transitioned, they were like, you
Speaker 1: know what, we just want you to be okay for
Speaker 1: the rest. So yeah, and how long have you been
Speaker 1: sober now? I mean I've been sober for fourteen years. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's awesome. Oh wait, but how did your mom's side
Speaker 1: of the family take it, because this is your dad's
Speaker 1: side of the family, right, This is my dad's side
Speaker 1: of the family, So with my mom and you know,
Speaker 1: this is my grandma, my mommy Lecha, who raised me
Speaker 1: like I was like, I was her everything. But you know,
Speaker 1: my little brother kind of replaced me in that area.
Speaker 1: But I was cool with it. I was cool with
Speaker 1: you know, she raised him since he was born. Because
Speaker 1: my mom was in jail, and it took me longer
Speaker 1: to tell them. I kind of distanced myself from them
Speaker 1: because that's the kind of person that I used to
Speaker 1: be right, to avoid conflict, to avoid pain, I just turned.
Speaker 1: I just distanced myself from you instead of addressing it.
Speaker 1: And so I had been living as a woman not
Speaker 1: it wasn't you know. Immediate after I told my paternal
Speaker 1: grandparents and it was a little it took me a
Speaker 1: little while, but I walked in and you know, by
Speaker 1: this time, they had already heard about it, and they
Speaker 1: didn't know what to expect. Yeah, they had heard about it,
Speaker 1: but it was kind of like, you know, do I
Speaker 1: contact or do I not? Do I say? And then
Speaker 1: I thought, you know what, life's too short. I gotta
Speaker 1: tell them. They have to know. So I told them
Speaker 1: and I had a phone call with them first, and
Speaker 1: then I walked in to see them. And I remember
Speaker 1: walking into the living room and my mom, Lea was
Speaker 1: at the table. She was on the phone with one
Speaker 1: of my aunts and she's like, what it was very
Speaker 1: It was so so weird, and she just looked at
Speaker 1: me and she's like, you want eat this? That's that
Speaker 1: was what she said. And she got up and hugged me,
Speaker 1: and it was like I could breathe. Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: kind of like a breath of fresh air. For sure.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you about how you came to the
Speaker 1: realization that you were a woman? Like I'm sure people
Speaker 1: listening right now who are unsure about their place in
Speaker 1: the world maybe are facing this. What can you share
Speaker 1: with them, like maybe they have a similar battle, like
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like what helped you come
Speaker 1: to that realization? For me, it was, you know, like
Speaker 1: I said, I had gotten sober and I was really
Speaker 1: diving deep into myself. I was like soul searching. I
Speaker 1: needed to know what were the things that made me
Speaker 1: act the way that I was acting when I was
Speaker 1: in my disease, in my addiction, and literally taking inventory
Speaker 1: on paper about who I was. And then I always
Speaker 1: felt like, God, I wish I was born a girl,
Speaker 1: but I never put more thought than that, you know,
Speaker 1: because I like the glamour, like the makeup, the hair,
Speaker 1: the clothes. You know. Andrea was my little barbeque to
Speaker 1: dress her the way I wanted. And one day she
Speaker 1: turned around and she was in high school, you know,
Speaker 1: like she's going to high school where everyone's wearing you know,
Speaker 1: really casual clothes, and she's going with boots and jeans
Speaker 1: and like really nice clothes. And she looked at me.
Speaker 1: She's like, why do you dress me like this? She's like,
Speaker 1: if you like it so much, why don't you dress
Speaker 1: yourself like this? Oh? She told you she did. I
Speaker 1: was like, you just have to look at always, And
Speaker 1: so all these little things starting adding up for me. Oh,
Speaker 1: I've always wanted to like, you know, that comment always
Speaker 1: stuck in my mind. If you like it so much,
Speaker 1: why don't you do it on you instead of me? Like, like,
Speaker 1: I'm not your mannequin. That's pretty much what she told me.
Speaker 1: And what happened is after I was doing this inventory
Speaker 1: on myself and I realized that a lot of my
Speaker 1: resentment was towards women. A lot of reasonings I had
Speaker 1: towards women because they had what I yearned to have.
Speaker 1: You know, the moment that I started wearing makeup and
Speaker 1: letting my hair grow out, and that I started getting
Speaker 1: breast development from the hormones and my skin got thinner
Speaker 1: like that, the moment that all these things started changing
Speaker 1: in me, it was like I started seeing in color,
Speaker 1: Like the light just went on, So you were like
Speaker 1: blossoming right before your eyes. I was I remember, I
Speaker 1: have an interesting story. I remember I said, Okay, if
Speaker 1: I'm going to be a woman, I need to learn
Speaker 1: how to do makeup. I need to be able to
Speaker 1: do my own makeup. So I went to the school
Speaker 1: in New York. I took this makeup course, came back,
Speaker 1: and I was so excited. I kept practicing at night.
Speaker 1: But then I was like, I have to practice on
Speaker 1: people too, And I was going to your mom's concert.
Speaker 1: My coworkers and I were going to a Jenny Rita
Speaker 1: concert in some of Casino, no Way. And this was
Speaker 1: my first outing full time as a woman, Like it
Speaker 1: was like my first big event where I was going
Speaker 1: to be around a lot of people. And so we're
Speaker 1: in the car and I turned on and tell my
Speaker 1: friend Blankie that my co worker. I'm like, I might
Speaker 1: get to let me practice on you. And she's like, okay,
Speaker 1: do it. So I started giving her like, you know,
Speaker 1: We're in the backseat of a car and I'm giving
Speaker 1: like a smoky eyeshadow kind of look. And I'm fresh
Speaker 1: out of school. I don't know what the funk I'm doing.
Speaker 1: We get to the concert and she looks like a
Speaker 1: fucking raccoon. Like so she's like, okay, let's go fix
Speaker 1: it a little bit and like okay, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm me dressed as a woman. My hair wasn't that
Speaker 1: long at that point, but I think I had like
Speaker 1: a half wig. And I was wearing these wedges, tight jeans,
Speaker 1: a tank top, and I was fucking scare cheekys because
Speaker 1: here I am at a big event. They're gonna clock me,
Speaker 1: they're gonna name call me, They're gonna they're gonna like
Speaker 1: I'm going down right? But did you feel fabulous though?
Speaker 1: Or you were more scared? I felt fabulous and it
Speaker 1: was mortified. And the moment your mom came out and
Speaker 1: started seeing, I let go of all those fears and
Speaker 1: I had a wonderful time and I felt like myself
Speaker 1: like free. I felt so fucking free. You felt alive.
Speaker 1: I felt alive. And nobody talks it to me, Nobody
Speaker 1: name called me. Everybody was just having fun, enjoying the moment.
Speaker 1: And I was like, Okay, this is who I am.
Speaker 1: So is it safe to say that my mother was
Speaker 1: like your Marina, she's your Marina of like, you know Emmy,
Speaker 1: the birth of Emmy being out and out of being
Speaker 1: like that was like my first big event. And I remember,
Speaker 1: just because you know, you never know what's going to happen, Like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what do I do that? You know,
Speaker 1: how do I act? Are people gonna be staring at me?
Speaker 1: Are they gonna throw things at me? Or they're gonna
Speaker 1: call me things? Are they gonna beat me up? All
Speaker 1: these things were like valid fears that I had as
Speaker 1: a trans woman at the time, for sure, because I
Speaker 1: was still like I didn't look like this, that's for sure.
Speaker 1: But you had a good time. It makes me so happy,
Speaker 1: had an amazing time. It's good. That makes me so happy. Honestly,
Speaker 1: shout out to my mama. She had the best concerts
Speaker 1: as someone who is transgender, and also as someone who
Speaker 1: works in the entertainment industry because you are an actor
Speaker 1: and now you have your podcast. Do you think that
Speaker 1: we're making progress on representation and TV and film? I
Speaker 1: love that you're asking that because that's one of the
Speaker 1: conversations that I keep having with my colleagues, that I
Speaker 1: keep having with casting directors, with you know, my representation
Speaker 1: diversity in Hollywood. We're making progress, we are, We're not
Speaker 1: there yet, So it's like a little dab. It's a
Speaker 1: little dab, yes, And you know, there have been a
Speaker 1: lot more roles available for the lgbt Q plus community.
Speaker 1: I love seeing that we're not there yet. We still
Speaker 1: have a lot of work to do. But what do
Speaker 1: you think, I mean is the challenge though? Like what
Speaker 1: what's stopping the progress in the industry. I really feel
Speaker 1: it's a lot about education. We for many years, I mean,
Speaker 1: I have lived in a heterosis world, so really it's
Speaker 1: about continuing to educate. And it's not about pushing agendas
Speaker 1: on anyone. Like I hate seeing that when when I
Speaker 1: when I like, I saw a post her day and
Speaker 1: they were like, stop trying to push your agenda on us.
Speaker 1: You know, it's about like being loving and accepting towards all.
Speaker 1: There's space for us all I think and get that
Speaker 1: fact that I'm a firm believer in that. This is
Speaker 1: why I wanted to And I'm glad you have your
Speaker 1: podcast and we're gonna talk about that right now. But
Speaker 1: like with these podcasts, it's speaking about these things. It's
Speaker 1: is kind of like live and let live. If I'm
Speaker 1: not doing anything to harm you, let me live my life,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And that's something that I'm
Speaker 1: glad that we can talk about. And now I can
Speaker 1: see it more than ever. It's it's stuff that is
Speaker 1: being more accepted. But yes, guys, live and let live
Speaker 1: and worry about yourself and what you can do right
Speaker 1: to better yourself. And I'm talking about the people that
Speaker 1: are listening and just in general. Yeah, I mean, if
Speaker 1: you have love and respect for humanity, that's so helpful.
Speaker 1: I don't have any sort of like disrespect towards somebody
Speaker 1: who doesn't align with the same beliefs that I do. Know,
Speaker 1: I let them be. If they don't mess with me,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to mess with them, right, It's just exactly,
Speaker 1: And I mean I was always like this. This came
Speaker 1: from like working on myself, trying to be a better
Speaker 1: version of whom I was yesterday. Yeah, exactly. Every day
Speaker 1: we've got to be a better version of ourselves and
Speaker 1: focus on the things that we could change within. And
Speaker 1: that also helps you, like not focusing so much on
Speaker 1: what other people are doing or not doing. People that
Speaker 1: are listening to us that also are transgender or part
Speaker 1: of the LGBT plus community, like, what do you have
Speaker 1: to tell them? Can you tell them something like to
Speaker 1: you know, give them some type of some words of
Speaker 1: inspiration empowerment. Absolutely don't let fear hold you back. That's
Speaker 1: what held me back. I was so scared. After I transitioned,
Speaker 1: I was like, there's no fucking way I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: able to be an actor. There's no way. This was
Speaker 1: before we had what we have now today we have
Speaker 1: people who have paved the way for us. Right, So
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, what am I going to do now? Like,
Speaker 1: there's nothing else that I want to do. I had
Speaker 1: so much fear. I was scared. Don't let that hold
Speaker 1: you back. If you want something, go for it. I'm
Speaker 1: a strong believer that what's meant for you is meant
Speaker 1: for you, and I wish that I had the knowledge
Speaker 1: and wisdom that I have today back then to just
Speaker 1: go for it. I'm always a fucking way bloomer at everything.
Speaker 1: That's just like, but hey, late bloomer or not, are
Speaker 1: doing it and you haven't given up on your dreams,
Speaker 1: and I honestly I applaud you for that. Are you
Speaker 1: in a relationship? Are you in love? Well, I guess
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to listen to the podcast to find
Speaker 1: out A nice answer, girl, very nice, because okay, perfect,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna for sure listen so I can find out
Speaker 1: my answer to that question. So tell us tell us
Speaker 1: about the podcast. Actually tell us about crumbs and white crumbs.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what crumbs. The show about things that
Speaker 1: we settle for in life and the bits of ourselves
Speaker 1: that make up our identity. That's what the show is about.
Speaker 1: And so in Crumbs, I talk about what it's like
Speaker 1: to be dating for a trans woman. I talk about
Speaker 1: different relationships that I've had and what kind of crumbs
Speaker 1: I've settled for just to feel like I'm loved, just
Speaker 1: to feel like somebody wants me. Oh my goodness, I
Speaker 1: love that. So every relationship I'm talking about what fucking
Speaker 1: crumb I received, what I learned from it, which I've
Speaker 1: grown from it. So from the first episode to the
Speaker 1: last episode, you're going to see a completely different woman.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. How exciting. Oh my gosh, congratulations on that.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Well, it's not just about dating. It's also
Speaker 1: settling for crumbs in our relationships with our family. And
Speaker 1: you know, I have, like I have some sort of
Speaker 1: a backstory with my family. So yes, you know what.
Speaker 1: I love that. I think it's necessary, it's needed. I'm
Speaker 1: excited to listen to Crumbs. Honestly, because I have been
Speaker 1: through my share of relationships where I have settled to settle,
Speaker 1: but I don't regret those relationships because, like you just said,
Speaker 1: you learn from every experience. Every person that comes into
Speaker 1: your life is a teacher to teach you something for
Speaker 1: the next person. Was it hard to pitch the podcast? Oh?
Speaker 1: You know what's so funny, I'll tell you how it happened.
Speaker 1: What happened is I started speaking a lot at top
Speaker 1: Step recovery meetings and people would come up to me
Speaker 1: after the podium. You. I talked about my story, worry
Speaker 1: about the growing, my childhood, what it was like, what happened,
Speaker 1: my turning point with drugs and alcohol, and what happened after,
Speaker 1: which is like transitioning, Like holy sh it, you know,
Speaker 1: and people are just like, oh my god, you need
Speaker 1: to write a book about this. This is such a
Speaker 1: good story. You need to write a book. And I've
Speaker 1: spoken all over the country in Canada, like I've been
Speaker 1: very fortunate to get to be able to tell my story.
Speaker 1: And so finally I sat down on one day I
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I'm gonna write the book. Why not?
Speaker 1: Because if it can help somebody not kill themselves, then
Speaker 1: that's contributing to something. So I wrote the book and
Speaker 1: I started. You know, I had made a couple friends
Speaker 1: that are in the entertainment industry, and I got some
Speaker 1: testimonials from them from my book. And then they said
Speaker 1: somebody said called me. When they're like, hey, I mean,
Speaker 1: do you mind if I share your book proposal with
Speaker 1: this producer that I know, I'm like, no, go ahead.
Speaker 1: So that's how the podcast came about. They're interested in
Speaker 1: my story, they feel like it could help people, and
Speaker 1: so that's how it happened. The book's not out yet,
Speaker 1: that's thing, like the books not out yet, but they
Speaker 1: read the proposal and they were like, let's do a
Speaker 1: podcast about this. I love that because we don't hear
Speaker 1: stories like this very often. So now that you have
Speaker 1: this space with your podcast to share that, I think
Speaker 1: that's wonderful. This is this is already like showing us
Speaker 1: that it's it's becoming more. And I don't even know
Speaker 1: if the word is accepted, because it's not the word
Speaker 1: that I'm looking for, you know what I mean. But
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, and I know what you're trying to say.
Speaker 1: It's normalized. That's the word. And I know exactly what
Speaker 1: you mean. Like, I was so shocked because the other
Speaker 1: day I got an audition for trans lead Mexican movie,
Speaker 1: Like that was the first time I've ever seen that,
Speaker 1: and I was like, whoa, this is fucking awesome in
Speaker 1: a Mexican movie. Let's transgender, and it was. I was
Speaker 1: just so like, mind blown. That's good. And that's why
Speaker 1: I did the podcast in Spanish as well, right, because
Speaker 1: I want to be able to cater to that market,
Speaker 1: our Latin Hispanic community. Honestly, I sent men Ganza and
Speaker 1: it's because of women like you that are open enough
Speaker 1: to share their stories that are going to change the
Speaker 1: game in the transgender community, in the l g B
Speaker 1: t Q plus community, honestly, because it's important. The only
Speaker 1: way to change lives is to be honest, be brutally honest,
Speaker 1: the good of the bad, of the ugly, harry, all
Speaker 1: of it. Yeah, and that's how you're going to change lives.
Speaker 1: And this is how we're going to get more roles,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and more podcasts. And that
Speaker 1: makes me happy. That makes me, honestly, it makes me
Speaker 1: really happy. Thank you, thank you, congratulations on that. I'm
Speaker 1: really really humble that you had me on your show.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that, of course, of course, I mean honestly,
Speaker 1: I'm grateful. I'm grateful that you came on Chickens and
Speaker 1: Chill and we're talking about a subject on them. Thank
Speaker 1: you for being open again, guys. You guys can listen
Speaker 1: to her podcast Crumbs and guys, we're going to plug
Speaker 1: in some l g B t Q resources in the
Speaker 1: show notes for anyone who needs them. Before we wrap
Speaker 1: up today's episode, I'm going to leave you with a
Speaker 1: motivational quote. Like you guys know me and my quotes,
Speaker 1: so today is I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion,
Speaker 1: treating people the way you want to be treated, and
Speaker 1: helping those in need to meet Those are traditional values.
Speaker 1: It's a quote that I found and I liked it
Speaker 1: because we were just talking about live and let live
Speaker 1: you guys, because it is important. So hopefully you guys
Speaker 1: did learn a lot on this podcast and Emmy again,
Speaker 1: which yes, um My, honor, thank you. I'm just so
Speaker 1: grateful for you for having the space for me, for us,
Speaker 1: for our community. I think it's so important that we
Speaker 1: talk about and continue to educate ourselves. I'm really excited
Speaker 1: for crumbs. I hope that in me something for you too. Oh,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, Emmie, you guys, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for listening to this episode of Chickens and Chill.
Speaker 1: This is a production of I Heart Radio and Michael
Speaker 1: Tura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Tura
Speaker 1: Podcasts and follow me Cheeks that's c h i q
Speaker 1: u i s. For more podcasts from my heart, visit
Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.