WEBVTT - Living Transgender 0:00:00.680 --> 0:00:06.040 Uh, can I ask you about how you came to 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:10.840 the realization that you were a woman? And I started 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:17.119 taking inventory of myself and I discovered that I was 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:21.800 a woman. My coworkers and I were going to a 0:00:21.920 --> 0:00:26.600 Genera concert in San of the Casino, and this was 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:32.760 my first outing full time as a woman. Here I 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:37.320 am at a big event. They're gonna clock me, they're 0:00:37.320 --> 0:00:40.400 gonna name call me, they're gonna they're gonna like I'm 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:48.080 going down. It's because of women like you that are 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:50.560 open enough to share their stories that are going to 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:57.760 change the game in the transgender community. Hello everyone, and 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:00.840 welcome to another episode of che He's in Chill. I'm 0:01:00.840 --> 0:01:03.080 your host, Cheek E's, and I hope you all are 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:06.240 having a great day. For today's episode, we're going to 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:08.800 be opening up our hearts and our minds because we're 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:12.040 going to be diving into a very important topic, one 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:14.640 that isn't talked about enough in my opinion, especially in 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:16.959 the lent community. We're going to be joined by a 0:01:16.959 --> 0:01:20.800 transgender woman and here's some of the challenges she's faced 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:23.880 throughout her life. I'm really looking forward to this conversation, 0:01:24.000 --> 0:01:26.360 so let's dive right into it. Guys. This is chick 0:01:26.400 --> 0:01:39.440 Eas and Chilly. Today's guest is Emiol. She is an actor, 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:44.080 writer and a podcast host. He'd invite me over to 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:47.880 have dinner with his family. I knew he didn't tell 0:01:47.920 --> 0:01:49.600 them that it was transgender, and I didn't know if 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:53.920 being new or not. Adam said, if this question ever 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:59.800 comes up, just her new podcast, Crumbs, is part of 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:04.080 you Know the family. I Heart Radio Network, and we 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:06.000 will learn a little bit more about that a little later, 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:10.639 but let's hear more about her story. Welcome, Emmy. It's 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:13.480 so good to hear from you. How are you, Hi, geez, 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:15.239 thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:18.080 to be here, of course, No, I'm really excited. This 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:21.520 is something that I'm very passionate about. I've had personal 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:25.440 experiences and I have family members, and not only that, 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:28.280 I feel that it is a huge taboo still in 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:31.919 our Latin community, and this is why I'm so excited 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:34.239 to have a podcast where we're able to speak about 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:36.360 anything and everything that we want. So, first of all, 0:02:36.400 --> 0:02:41.399 congratulations on your podcast Crumbs. Thank you, that's awesome. I'm 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:47.320 so so excited You're part of the family. So right here, Okay, 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:49.520 so I can tell you're such a strong and positive force, 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:53.200 but I know you probably weren't always like this. Can 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:55.639 you share a little bit about your background. Where did 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:59.440 you grow up. I'm from San Diego, so California girl. 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:02.040 My mom was fourteen but she had me. My dad 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:04.960 was sixteen, and my parents were gang being troubles from 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:08.440 rival gangs. No way, so interesting how they met, but 0:03:09.360 --> 0:03:11.280 here I am. You know, they hadn't when they were 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:13.520 so young, and they didn't know what the heck they 0:03:13.520 --> 0:03:17.639 were doing. I had really no structure whatsoever. Growing up. 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:21.000 I was allowed to do whatever I wanted because they 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:23.040 didn't know what they were doing. These were just kids 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:26.680 having kids. Did you feel like you were growing up 0:03:26.720 --> 0:03:29.120 also with your parents like you felt like because my 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:30.840 mom was fifteen when she had me, so I sometimes 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:33.080 even felt like I was her mom sometimes, you know. 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:38.240 So interesting, No, because my parents shortly after I was 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:41.560 born became menting to drugs, and so that started their 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:45.440 cycle of like being in institutions. Actually, my dad kind 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:47.400 of dipped out when I was one year old, so 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:50.400 it's pretty much my mom and me, and then my 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:53.200 grandmother stepped in to raise me. Okay, so you were 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:56.160 raised by your grandmother, I was okay, And do you 0:03:56.160 --> 0:04:00.440 have siblings, emmy, I do, yeah, and the eldest our 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:03.720 age differences are seven, twelve and nineteen. But you know, 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:06.840 my grandma stepped in to raise me. She provided me 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:10.760 with stability, home love while my mom was out doing 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:13.880 her stuff, doing her hustle. She was in and out. 0:04:14.000 --> 0:04:16.280 So I didn't really have a really strong relationship from 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:19.080 the beginning with my mom until I was a little 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:23.200 bit older. Okay, I see, But thank goodness for your grandma. Yeah, 0:04:23.200 --> 0:04:27.320 she was an amazing woman. And talking about her, did 0:04:27.360 --> 0:04:30.120 you were you open with her about what you felt like? 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:32.760 How old were you when you started feeling did you 0:04:32.800 --> 0:04:34.080 feel that way? You can? I ask you? Did you 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:36.799 feel trapped in in another body? Like? Can you explain 0:04:36.880 --> 0:04:39.880 to me like your experience. Yeah, No, that wasn't my experience. 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:42.880 I didn't feel trapped in another body as a kid. 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:45.800 I felt like it was very different. And maybe I 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:48.880 think because it was the eighties, things were so different. 0:04:49.279 --> 0:04:51.560 We didn't have the terminology that we have now. The 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.760 lifestyle was completely different. Growing up in a very Mexican household, 0:04:55.160 --> 0:04:58.320 that just wasn't something you talk about. Everyone knew that 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:01.000 I was different. Okay, So I was born little blonde hair, 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:03.800 blue eyed little boy who acted like a girl. I 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:07.320 was very feminine, and from the get go people knew 0:05:07.360 --> 0:05:10.279 that I was different. So my grandmother, she knew that 0:05:10.320 --> 0:05:13.080 I was different. So she protected me a lot, especially 0:05:13.160 --> 0:05:16.400 from my aunts, because my aunts were like that, you 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:25.279 don't nor whatever exactly, Like my grandmo was like, they 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:27.360 can't know, they can't mean, because you know, I was 0:05:27.560 --> 0:05:30.600 her favorite. She was raising me and she protected me. 0:05:31.160 --> 0:05:33.159 That was kind of short lived because when I was 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:36.560 seven years old, my grandmother disappeared. And what happened is 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:39.200 I was seven years old. I was taken to school, 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:42.160 my grandmother was arrested. I was picked up by my 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:47.160 paternal grandparents and they told me that my Mamilicia, my grandmother, 0:05:47.800 --> 0:05:51.320 was in jail with my mom, with my stepdad, with 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:55.200 my aunt, with the maid, with the mechanic. Everyone who 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:58.920 was at the house that day got arrested. We had 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:02.960 been under investigation for some time now. Cover story of 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:06.960 the San Diego Union Tribune. Right this woman is arrested 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.159 for trafficking four SENTI five pounds of cocaine across the border. 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:15.360 One of her workers dot caught and away. She went, 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:18.240 so all the stability that I had with my grandmother. 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:23.440 You know, she gave me everything I ever wanted, material, possessions, love. 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:26.520 I felt like it was unconditional love. And then that's 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:29.160 when my mom stepped in. She had to. She had 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:32.479 no choice because what was going to happen to me? So, 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:34.680 you know, she did the best that she could, still 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:37.719 using drugs, she got pregnant. She had my sister, Andrea, 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:42.400 and she taught me how to make a bottle, how 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:46.440 to change a diaper, said I'll be back. She didn't 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:49.239 come back that night. The very next morning, my aunt 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:52.640 picked us up. My mom had been arrested hustling in 0:06:52.640 --> 0:06:55.880 her drug use, and my sister and I were separated. 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.039 I went to live with my paternal grandparents. My sister 0:06:58.080 --> 0:07:01.280 went with an aunt. And from that moment, you start 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:04.359 feeling like what is wrong with me? I knew I 0:07:04.400 --> 0:07:06.479 was different. I didn't like the same things that other 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:09.760 boys liked. I got made fun of, you know, like 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:15.720 you're like really derogatory chicks that they would use, you know, 0:07:16.280 --> 0:07:20.080 especially the Latinos used that word so much. Yeah, so 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:22.640 I grew up with just so much shame about who 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:26.960 I was. After a year my mom being incarcerated. She 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:30.320 got released to a halfway house, and what happened is 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:34.960 she skipped parole and she moved this to school, which 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:37.320 is where my family is from. We were pretty much 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:40.280 on the run for four years. I'm gonna say that's 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:42.560 when I really bonded with my mom because she was 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:47.040 clean from drugs. My grandmother from prison was still giving 0:07:47.160 --> 0:07:49.560 orders like you know, this is what you're gonna do, 0:07:49.880 --> 0:07:53.000 this is how you're gonna live. She had properties in Mexico, 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:56.800 so nothing was missing. We had everything we needed. We 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:59.200 were provided for, so my mom didn't even have to work. 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:02.160 She's just was the housewife. But then she picked up 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:04.280 drugs again and we ended up coming back to the 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:08.240 US when my sister Daniela was born, and we've been 0:08:08.280 --> 0:08:11.520 here since. You were how old when your sister Andrea 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:14.880 was was born? You said seven? You were seven, okay, 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:18.160 So that that happened all so quickly, like being under 0:08:18.200 --> 0:08:21.760 your grandma's wing, and then she was gone, and then 0:08:21.800 --> 0:08:24.760 you had your sister. Your mom had your sister Andrea, 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:28.160 and then you had this responsibility since so young. Like 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:30.000 that's where I feel like we have that in common 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:32.560 where we're the eldest, and we have this responsibility that 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:35.280 wasn't really ours at such a young age, and it 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:39.800 forces us to mature so quickly and kind of miss 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:41.720 out on our childhood. Did you feel like you missed 0:08:41.720 --> 0:08:45.800 out on your childhood in some way? I don't feel 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.440 like I had a childhood. And this is what one 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:51.000 of the resentments I always had towards my mom that 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:53.400 I didn't get to live as a kid. I was 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:56.480 always picking up after her. I was in charge of 0:08:56.720 --> 0:09:00.280 cleaning and combing Andrea's hair, getting her ready for school, 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:03.280 picking out her outfits, caring for her, and also, like 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:05.840 you know, the protective person, and he wanted to make 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:08.600 sure that she was shielded from things that happened as 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:11.640 a result of my mom being in her addiction. Did 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:13.880 you feel like at times that you resented her in 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:17.800 a way? Your mom? Absolutely. I know you've talked about this, 0:09:17.880 --> 0:09:20.440 like I loved her, but I didn't like her. You know, 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:23.400 I had so much resentment growing up towards my mom, 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:26.320 and I said, I will never do drugs, I will 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:29.280 never be an alcoholic. I wanted to be very different, 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:31.640 and so I applied myself. I applied myself in school 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:33.040 and I said, I'm going to be an honor student. 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:36.120 I'm gonna go to college. I'm going to get a degree. 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:38.600 I'm going to break the cycle of like this fuck up, 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:41.679 dysfunctional family that I have. I did pretty good for 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:45.160 the most part. So you know, even throughout high school, 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:48.600 I was still like very effeminate. Everyone just said, you know, 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:53.200 the gay kid or or whatever, you know, those terrible 0:09:53.240 --> 0:09:55.960 things that we grew up Back then, Queer was like 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:59.079 not a cool word, and that's what they would call me. 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:03.400 Here's the thing I want to preface, like everything I 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:07.000 mentioned is my experience. Right, there's like no umbrella term 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:09.880 for the trans community. It's just my experience, which I 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:11.760 was going to tell you. I saw that especially with 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:14.040 your podcast. It's kind of this is my experience. I'm 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:17.480 not representing the community as a whole. It's just this 0:10:17.559 --> 0:10:21.680 is who I am, and I'm speaking about myself, which 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:23.760 I like, I think it's I think it's a good thing. 0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:27.160 And then I respect that. So absolutely you you thank you. 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:29.000 This is your space too, so you go ahead and 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:32.120 say like it is. So then you know what happened 0:10:32.120 --> 0:10:34.400 is I was gonna I got admitted to three universities. 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:36.920 I was so excited because I was finally on my 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:40.520 way to be successful. And then my mother got arrested 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:44.240 at the border for crossing I have the amount of methamphetamines. 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:48.000 She was given a prison sentence, and my sisters were 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:51.440 being shuffled from house to house. My grandmother, who was 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:54.120 out of prison at the time, she was older, and 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:57.240 she said, I can't take care of these girls. It's 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:59.440 too much for me. Because by this time I had 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:01.959 a little Adrian. He had already been born and she 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:03.800 was taking care of him and he was a baby. 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:07.560 So what happened is I put my life on hold. 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:10.200 I got a job that paid me well. I went 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:12.440 before the judge and I got custody of my two 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:15.080 younger sisters and I raised them. And that was the 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.000 most challenging thing that I've ever gone through, but also 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:21.839 the most rewarding one. They became like my everything. Oh 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:23.680 my goodness. I mean, we have a lot in common. 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:27.600 Your baby brother was how old at this time, So 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:32.000 Adrian was about a year old baby. He was a 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:34.840 baby baby back then. So you weren't able to go 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:36.920 to the university. You just said, I'm going to get 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:40.120 a job and try to raise my sisters exactly, and 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:41.920 that's what I did. I did the best that I could. 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:43.800 I mean, they didn't come with instructions, and I was 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:46.760 just like, fuck it, I'm gonna do what I think 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:49.920 is the best for them and just give them stability, 0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:52.560 show them that there is a better way of life 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:54.920 out here, because by this time, you know, my mom, 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:59.480 they're living in motels, they're living in random places, and 0:11:59.520 --> 0:12:02.200 so they're me picking up the bad habits my sister 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:03.720 and that I was kind of headed that way, and 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:06.160 I was like, God, I don't want my sister. I 0:12:06.200 --> 0:12:08.199 really don't want that for her because I had so 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.200 much fear that she was gonna end up on drugs 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:13.760 in jail or dead. That's like my biggest fear, and 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:16.439 I carry that fear for so long with my parents. 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:19.839 So anyway, I stepped in. I raised them. But all 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:22.880 the resentment and all the like hate I felt towards 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:25.120 my mom just grew and grew and grew, because here 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.560 I am picking up after her again and putting my 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:32.600 life on hold. I started abusing alcohol. That was like 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:36.800 my way to cope, and then that led to other stuff, okay, 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:41.880 like hard drugs, harder drugs that led to me blacking out. 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.640 I'm a blackout drinker. Like I drink enough and I 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:47.160 black out. Wake up and I hear about things that 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:48.840 I did, and it's like, holy sh it, I did that, 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:51.439 Like I can't see myself doing that. I was so 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:54.920 unhappy with the person who I was. I knew that 0:12:55.000 --> 0:12:58.840 I wasn't happy internally. Yes, I was abusing alcoholis abusing drugs, 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:02.000 but also when I looked in the mirror cheeks, I 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:05.839 didn't like what I saw. And you hadn't transitioned at 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:09.480 this point, correct, but you had accepted I'm gay or 0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:13.600 you hadn't accepted that. It's interesting because I had accepted 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:18.520 that I was gay. However, I didn't have that experience 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:20.760 of like I'm gay, I'm out and proud and I'm 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:24.000 gonna like go day and have fun. That wasn't my experience. 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:27.680 I was ashamed that I was gay. I couldn't find 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:31.360 my place because I wasn't dating gay man. I wasn't 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:34.920 attracted to them, so I didn't really have relationships as 0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:37.520 a gay man. It's interesting, and I that's the only 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:39.520 way I can explain it. I couldn't find my place. 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:44.079 The reason I asked these questions is because my brother Johnny, 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:47.040 he's he's my baby. We went through this, you know 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:49.520 where he went through like no I he was eleven 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:52.560 years old and he was just confused about his sexuality 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:56.360 and for a long time he was just upset and 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:59.959 had these thoughts of suicide. And it was so hard 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:02.160 art because he was like, this is what I like, 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:04.000 but I don't want to like what I like, like 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:06.960 I want to be quote unquote normal. And it took 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:09.920 a while to just say, Johnny, like, you need to 0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:14.120 just say it out loud and little by little. I 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:16.520 can't push you into saying it loud and proud, but 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:18.280 you have if this is what you like, this is 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:20.720 what your body desires, you have two little by little 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:23.960 start accepting that because if not, it's going to cause 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:26.400 other things. And I think maybe this is what I'm hearing. 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:28.280 I mean, I don't know. I mean, obviously you did 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:31.960 have a very rough childhood and your parents and then 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:34.800 your grandma and then having to take the responsibility of 0:14:34.840 --> 0:14:38.640 your sisters. You felt alone and you felt like you 0:14:38.680 --> 0:14:40.760 didn't have a support system. Is that correct? And it 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:43.200 kind of lead you into alcohol. Makes me feel good 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:46.760 for the moment. A big part of it is that 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:49.240 I felt like I had let my family down right. 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:52.640 I was like the first born male. My family is 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:59.479 very Mexican Catholic, and I felt very traditional. And my grandmother, 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:02.320 not my mom's mom, but my dad's mom, would tell 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:08.880 me things like and you know, things like that, like 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:11.280 since it's always a kid. I could see the look 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:13.680 of disappointment in their face when they'd see me, or 0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:16.840 the way I expressed myself, and then my grandmother would say, 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:25.400 I know I'm looking nas that was hurtful, of course, absolutely, dude. Yeah, 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:28.560 sometimes I feel like they don't realize that things that 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:31.880 they say are elders, like how much they can affect 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:34.040 our life. Our hearts are little minds, you know, because 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:36.640 you're so young, you're still trying to figure things out 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:39.600 within yourself, within your body, and then having someone that 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:43.280 you love tell you this, it's just absolutely I totally 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:46.560 get that. And when did you start your transition? How 0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:49.240 old were you when you started? So what happened is 0:15:49.960 --> 0:15:53.400 I try to kill myself? Oh man? Yeah, after years 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.040 of abusing drugs and alcohol, I decided that I didn't 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:58.560 want to live anymore. I drink a bottle of pills, 0:15:58.800 --> 0:16:02.440 a big old bottle. My sisters and found me, and 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:04.280 by this time and that I was driving, so she 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:07.160 drove me to the hospital to the emergency room. My 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:10.840 liver started to shut down. I was hospitalized for seven days, 0:16:11.280 --> 0:16:14.560 and on the last day that I was there, the 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:16.640 doctor said, you know what, you're very lucky that you're 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:19.760 not dead. You put your liver through hell, I'm gonna 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:23.240 discharge you. Just take it easy. So I'm excited, like 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.280 I'm packing, I'm getting ready to go home. And then 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:28.400 these two E m t s walk up. They asked 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:30.480 for me by name, and they said, we're going to 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:33.320 take you to the psychiatric ward because this was technically 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:36.680 a suicide attempt. So there I go into the psych word. 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:39.200 I walk in and it wasn't my first time there. 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:42.960 I had been a regular there because I had so 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:47.520 many fucking demons inside me that I just always wanted 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:51.120 to offer myself. And the doctor said, hey, welcome back. 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:54.600 He saw my chart. He said, you know what, I 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:57.480 really want you to look around the rooms here. And 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:01.800 I looked and you could see the patients nodding off 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:04.879 in a corner, you know, And he said, these people 0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:07.760 here have severe mental issues. And I suspect that what 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:12.720 you have is an addiction problem. So I'm going to 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.240 make a deal with you. I'm gonna let you out 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:18.960 of here if you check out recovery a recovery meeting. 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:21.240 You know, at this time, I feel like this small 0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:23.359 I have nothing to lose. So I said, all right, 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:26.159 let's do it. I started going to these meetings and 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:29.159 I started doing the work that we do in a 0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:34.360 top step program, and I started taking inventory of myself 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:39.119 and I discovered that I was a woman. That was 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:41.879 a turning point for me. And do you feel that 0:17:41.920 --> 0:17:44.639 ever since that happened, where you're like, I'm a woman, 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.119 you felt like you were happier in every way? Or 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:50.879 was it still a little bit of an uphill battle? Okay, 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:53.000 So I played with a thought for months, and it 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:55.920 was a bit of an uphill battle because I thought 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:59.000 of everyone else. I thought of my sisters, I thought 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:02.760 of my grandparents, I thought of my friends. This was 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:06.280 a big commitment and I had to be sure that 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:08.760 I was going to take this leap of faith. And 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:11.639 it's a scary one. Oh my god, it was so scary. 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:15.639 And so I started seeing a doctor about hormones. I 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:18.639 started taking the hormones before going full time as a woman. 0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:21.440 I was working at the time at the phone company, 0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:24.320 and I told him, Hey, this is what's going to happen. 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:28.080 I'm going to transition. And they're like, okay, great, They're 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:30.879 very cool about it. Just bring us any sort of 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:34.840 like documentation, any legal name change or whatever. So I 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:37.320 did that, and then it was time to tell my family. 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:48.200 My mom's side of the family is very conservative. My 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:49.960 dad's side of the family, even though they're very much 0:18:49.960 --> 0:18:53.320 he'stas and very like be a boy, be a boy. 0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:57.399 They they're more what's the word. So then being like 0:18:57.440 --> 0:19:00.960 they're cool, like there, they have fun, they drink. Okay, 0:19:01.000 --> 0:19:03.919 they're a little bit more open minded. I guess you 0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:07.040 can say that. Okay, my mom's family is a little 0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:09.959 more proper, and my dad's family is more like you 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:14.000 know this melody, okay, yeah, So yeah, I get it. 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:18.399 I don't know how I get it down tripped. So 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:20.400 I sat down with my nana, with my daughta and 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:25.880 my uncle and I told him, Nana got that. I'm 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:27.679 trying to remember exactly what I told him. Damn it, 0:19:27.720 --> 0:19:32.280 what was it. I was just so fucking nervous, and 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:34.359 I said, just get it. Out quick, get it out quick. 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:40.760 I'm like, oh my goodness. And I remember that. I remember. 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:45.000 I remember their eyes were just like dead stare and 0:19:45.040 --> 0:19:48.000 it was just like silence at the table. Nobody was 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:51.359 saying anything, and I'm dying inside. I'm like, holy sh it, 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:54.240 what did I just do? And then my nana, she's 0:19:54.320 --> 0:20:00.399 such a jokester, she looks at me, she's like the first, 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:07.040 Oh my goodness, that was like the first thing she said, 0:20:07.520 --> 0:20:10.200 and that just like broke the eyes. Everybody started laughing. 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:14.280 And then my daughter just said like okay, and it 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:18.600 was like that, Wow, here's the thing. Check. By this time, 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:22.120 I had already put my family through hell with my addiction, 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:25.960 with my drinking. They just wanted me to be safe. 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:29.919 They wanted me to be happy. They wanted me to 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:35.119 be living because the things that happened to me in 0:20:35.160 --> 0:20:38.600 my addiction we're freaking scary. We're talking about I'd get 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:41.879 lost in the juana for days and they didn't know 0:20:41.920 --> 0:20:45.040 if I was dead or alive. Okay, how long was this? 0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:48.200 How many years of this give or take do you think? Oh, 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:52.760 let's see, I'm gonna say good five six years of it? Okay. 0:20:52.920 --> 0:20:56.560 So it was very It was tormenting for for them emotionally, 0:20:56.600 --> 0:20:59.240 I'm sure so for them to be getting calls at 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:02.080 two o'clock, three o'clock in the morning that I'm stranded 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:04.840 or that I'm in trouble, or that I'm here, that 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:07.760 I'm in a hospital. This was just like, you know, 0:21:07.760 --> 0:21:10.080 when I got sober, they were like, oh, thank god. 0:21:10.560 --> 0:21:13.119 So by the time I transitioned, they were like, you 0:21:13.160 --> 0:21:15.800 know what, we just want you to be okay for 0:21:16.040 --> 0:21:19.280 the rest. So yeah, and how long have you been 0:21:19.480 --> 0:21:22.800 sober now? I mean I've been sober for fourteen years. Wow, 0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:25.840 that's awesome. Oh wait, but how did your mom's side 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:27.360 of the family take it, because this is your dad's 0:21:27.359 --> 0:21:29.320 side of the family, right, This is my dad's side 0:21:29.320 --> 0:21:31.480 of the family, So with my mom and you know, 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:33.880 this is my grandma, my mommy Lecha, who raised me 0:21:34.200 --> 0:21:38.399 like I was like, I was her everything. But you know, 0:21:38.440 --> 0:21:40.280 my little brother kind of replaced me in that area. 0:21:40.680 --> 0:21:42.760 But I was cool with it. I was cool with 0:21:42.840 --> 0:21:44.800 you know, she raised him since he was born. Because 0:21:44.840 --> 0:21:47.480 my mom was in jail, and it took me longer 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:50.639 to tell them. I kind of distanced myself from them 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:53.199 because that's the kind of person that I used to 0:21:53.240 --> 0:21:57.000 be right, to avoid conflict, to avoid pain, I just turned. 0:21:57.000 --> 0:21:59.879 I just distanced myself from you instead of addressing it. 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:02.760