Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 3: Scrub dub dum sco rub a dub dull. We are
Speaker 3: asking bunya.
Speaker 2: I don't know about like like US giving advice is
Speaker 2: like such a what It's just so funny, Like a
Speaker 2: whole episode of US giving advice is so funny because
Speaker 2: sometimes people have like really hard life things that are
Speaker 2: going through and we're just like bo just have a
Speaker 2: conversation about you.
Speaker 4: Know, watermelon and canalos.
Speaker 3: But you know, they come to us for a reason.
Speaker 4: I don't think it's that weird.
Speaker 5: I think that oftentimes people seek advice from people that
Speaker 5: are not involved in the situation, like third parties. I
Speaker 5: think we've lived a lot of life. We've had different
Speaker 5: experiences to very different experiences, so there's a lot of
Speaker 5: perspective there.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I got lots of perspective.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, I'm super excited for this. I love these episodes.
Speaker 2: I love the ammes or auas ask us any things.
Speaker 2: But I love a lengthy email typed out yeah seeking us.
Speaker 4: Same mark, are you anyway?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: It would be my pleasure. Thank you so much. Anonymous says,
Speaker 1: I saw Tanya posting about how she and Robbie become
Speaker 1: more obsessed with each other as time goes on. Becca
Speaker 1: mentioned recently Shan Haley are still so excited to hang
Speaker 1: out in love. I'm wondering if you have advice on
Speaker 1: how to do that. I'm in an amazing relationship with
Speaker 1: the best human ever, but it's new, and I feel
Speaker 1: so afraid of when we're no longer in this place.
Speaker 1: So I'm asking the age old question, how do you
Speaker 1: keep that spark alive? What's your relationship advice on stayings
Speaker 1: so in love and not letting all of that die out?
Speaker 5: You can go, well, it's interesting because I don't think
Speaker 5: that I have like necessarily a formula or like a
Speaker 5: specific thing to say. And we've only been Robin and
Speaker 5: I have only been together for four and a half years,
Speaker 5: so I guess it's not that long when you look
Speaker 5: at it the big picture, you know what I mean,
Speaker 5: People have been married for like twenty forty fifty years,
Speaker 5: so four and a half still feels like we're still
Speaker 5: freshly in it. I feel like it's just finding the
Speaker 5: right partner, right, But.
Speaker 2: It sounds like she is or they I don't know
Speaker 2: if it's a man or woman, but sounds.
Speaker 3: Like they're in a new relationship.
Speaker 2: So it's like that honeymoon phase and everything feels so exciting.
Speaker 3: And big and new, and it does die.
Speaker 1: I don't think you can keep that forever.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't think you can keep people like say that.
Speaker 4: I think it's.
Speaker 2: Totally they're like I think I think there's a difference
Speaker 2: of saying that.
Speaker 3: There there's almost this.
Speaker 2: Like it's not not a toxic feeling, but it's almost
Speaker 2: like this intoxicating feeling where you like I wasn't sleeping,
Speaker 2: Like to maintain that feeling would be so exhausting looking back,
Speaker 2: But there's still the excitement of getting to hang out
Speaker 2: with her at Hayley after six years, there's still that
Speaker 2: excitement of getting to talk to her at the end
Speaker 2: of the day and recap our days together and like
Speaker 2: do new things together.
Speaker 3: So I'm still I'm more in love.
Speaker 2: Like the love is so much deeper, but it's not
Speaker 2: this like thing I'm trying to grasp onto, Like I
Speaker 2: feel like at peace in the relationship.
Speaker 3: As opposed to like frantically trying to Like.
Speaker 5: Yeah, because like in the early days when you're like dating,
Speaker 5: you don't see them every day, so you like anticipate
Speaker 5: seeing them. You like shave every inch of your body,
Speaker 5: you like, you know, your slick as a dolphin. Yeah, dolphin,
Speaker 5: like dolphin, Like you know now I'm like grizzly, you
Speaker 5: know whatever, But.
Speaker 3: Like you just do.
Speaker 5: There's so much that you like, there's so much build up,
Speaker 5: and it's like you just can't keep that forever, you
Speaker 5: know what I mean?
Speaker 3: My mom shows every day her likes.
Speaker 4: I think I kind of shave them every time I'm
Speaker 4: in the shower.
Speaker 1: You shower three times a day, yeah, my.
Speaker 5: Everything shower, which is like twice a week, okay, and.
Speaker 3: That's when you wash your feet.
Speaker 4: That's when I watch my feet shape.
Speaker 1: You know that every time you're in the shower.
Speaker 4: R fair fair, fair, fair, fair fair fair.
Speaker 2: So basically, what we're saying is when you are with them,
Speaker 2: I mean, you you how long have you all been?
Speaker 3: How long have you been with ay?
Speaker 2: Twenty seven years since you've been Matten started dating, okay,
Speaker 2: and you and.
Speaker 6: I'll say eleven years.
Speaker 3: Okay, So how what would y'all say.
Speaker 1: That you can't keep that going? Because love evolves and
Speaker 1: it's going to evolve whether you want it to or not.
Speaker 1: It's going to and it can be go to a
Speaker 1: better place. And I hope for your case the sake,
Speaker 1: it doesn't go to a worse place. But it's going
Speaker 1: to be different in the future than it is now.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't make it bad in the future. It
Speaker 1: can be great in the future in its own way.
Speaker 6: I agree like that feeling.
Speaker 7: I think like I think about to like the honeymoon feeling,
Speaker 7: you know, and like I still get that feeling with Alis,
Speaker 7: and it just takes on different forms, you know, like
Speaker 7: I'm I know Alson better than any one else. I'm
Speaker 7: never better than I know myself. And uh, but I'm
Speaker 7: still excited. Like when she texts me, I get like
Speaker 7: excited because and it's usually like, hey, the window guy
Speaker 7: came by. It it's gonna be eighteen hundred dollars, you know,
Speaker 7: it's like, oh, she just oh my gosh, she just
Speaker 7: texted me, Oh, I miss you so much.
Speaker 6: Uh.
Speaker 7: The window guy and I tried cleaning some of the
Speaker 7: windows and we got a lot of the scratches out.
Speaker 6: So that makes me so excited.
Speaker 3: Said I miss you so much.
Speaker 6: She did, and I saw her this morning. You know,
Speaker 6: but uh.
Speaker 1: Wow and refreshing, refreshing, and you know.
Speaker 7: Again, I, like Tony said, I don't know, like you know,
Speaker 7: I don't know what the key to that is. I
Speaker 7: just I really like this person and I'm excited to
Speaker 7: see all the different forms our relationship takes over the years.
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I think also it's like as your relationship evolves,
Speaker 5: just like with and over time, like then it takes
Speaker 5: on different forms. So it's like when you move in together,
Speaker 5: that's like a whole different thing. So like I get
Speaker 5: like so giddy when he some from work. Like me,
Speaker 5: I've posted videos of like my dog whenever Robbi gets home, her.
Speaker 4: Tail goes like crazy and she's like this, like that's
Speaker 4: how I am too.
Speaker 5: Just not filming myself, but like I'm so excited when
Speaker 5: he comes home at the end of the day, you
Speaker 5: know what I mean. But I just feel like everything
Speaker 5: shifts as you grow as a couple, you know what
Speaker 5: I mean. Like before I when we were dating, I
Speaker 5: never had met hadn't even met the kids, so I
Speaker 5: wasn't even involved in that. And now I'm like super
Speaker 5: involved in that. So that's like another layer of you know,
Speaker 5: you just I don't know it's all just.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you asked, like, is there conscious Like the
Speaker 2: question is their conscious effort to keep spark alive? And
Speaker 2: I do think there's effort in the sense that like
Speaker 2: making time for each other and carving out things to
Speaker 2: do for each other that maybe the other person loves.
Speaker 2: We like couple therapy has been like so helpful for
Speaker 2: helpful for us just in communicating and learning how to
Speaker 2: have like healthy conversations that might be hard so that
Speaker 2: I don't I'm known to shut down. So like if
Speaker 2: I shut down and we're trying to have a productive conversation,
Speaker 2: it just kind of puts a wedge in between us.
Speaker 3: And that was happening.
Speaker 2: So now I feel like, because we're able to communicate
Speaker 2: in a more healthy way, I feel like there's a
Speaker 2: deeper love there that I didn't I've never experienced ever.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I do feel like I know I say it
Speaker 5: all the time, I really mean it. Finding out each
Speaker 5: other's love languages is so important because I I don't
Speaker 5: know if you know this about me, but I require
Speaker 5: a lot of attention.
Speaker 1: Fascinating.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I require a lot.
Speaker 5: Robbie requires none like that guy, Like it's crazy, you know,
Speaker 5: it's wild, he requires nothing and I require a lot.
Speaker 3: So you how do you don't?
Speaker 2: How do you know that he requires nothing because you
Speaker 2: give so much? Have you ever seen him like just
Speaker 2: not have Like you give him so much without him asking.
Speaker 4: For it, because that's right, that's wow.
Speaker 2: But like he he doesn't need more because he has
Speaker 2: what you give him. But I'm saying, how do you
Speaker 2: know he doesn't require stuff because you give everything, you
Speaker 2: give a lot.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I don't I get what you're saying, but like
Speaker 5: the guy really requires is not much.
Speaker 4: He's very chill.
Speaker 3: He's very lazy, very chilly.
Speaker 5: But it's like being open and communicating that, do you
Speaker 5: know what I mean? Like I'm like, I need you
Speaker 5: to touch me, I need you to tell me, and
Speaker 5: I need you.
Speaker 4: To act every day how much you love me.
Speaker 5: Whereas he it could be like once a week, you know,
Speaker 5: like I could like give him a kiss on a
Speaker 5: Thursday and he's good till Monday.
Speaker 4: Whereas I'm like, I don't think.
Speaker 3: I don't think we approved because that has never happened.
Speaker 5: I know, I get what you're saying, but I just
Speaker 5: I feel it in my bones that he really requires
Speaker 5: very little.
Speaker 4: Yeah, just a hunch Yeah.
Speaker 3: I also think I have a really hard time if
Speaker 3: I do need something and I'm not and Haley's not
Speaker 3: able to read my mind, which is so infuriating.
Speaker 2: It's like, why can't you just read my mind? I'm
Speaker 2: giving all the hints, but having to ask for what
Speaker 2: I need is so uncomfortable for me. Right, But I
Speaker 2: do think it's helped us so much when I'm able
Speaker 2: to do it in a productive way.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I usually do it subtly, Like you know, I
Speaker 5: write him a letter every morning. Don't write a letter
Speaker 5: for like three days. He'll write me one because he's like, you.
Speaker 3: Are the human form of subtlety.
Speaker 4: Correct, nothing but subtle.
Speaker 2: You should have Sunny return the favor and film you
Speaker 2: when Robbie gets home, Like it's kind of rude that
Speaker 2: you're always on me hurt honestly, So the Leasha could do,
Speaker 2: I know, So I would say, enjoy the phase that
Speaker 2: you're at and also know that just if that like
Speaker 2: rush of like the newness goes away, that's not a
Speaker 2: negative thing, correct, It just can mean it's like love
Speaker 2: is growing in it.
Speaker 3: It can look different at so many different life stages.
Speaker 4: Yeah, next, Mark we go.
Speaker 1: This is from Nicole I love your podcast. I came
Speaker 1: across it around the time Beca came out, and then
Speaker 1: binged all episodes from twenty seventeen in three to four months.
Speaker 1: I want to ask Beca how her journey has been
Speaker 1: so far reconnecting with her faith. I grew up Catholic,
Speaker 1: but was never forced by my parents to attend church
Speaker 1: all the time, and therein lies my issue. I'm twenty
Speaker 1: six now and looking back, I feel like it was
Speaker 1: a formality and nothing else. I've never felt connected to that,
Speaker 1: and the interest has never really been there. I'm very
Speaker 1: comfortable with not knowing whether or not God or a
Speaker 1: God exists, but sometimes I do feel guilty that I'm
Speaker 1: doing something wrong. But at the same time, I can't
Speaker 1: force myself to believe in something I'm not connected to.
Speaker 1: Tanya once mention growing up Serbian Orthodox then breaking away
Speaker 1: from that to become Christian. Did you ever feel like
Speaker 1: you were doing something wrong and breaking away from all
Speaker 1: you'd known. I'd love to hear Marconie in the Feuse
Speaker 1: as well, having grown up without religion at all.
Speaker 4: Would you like to start, Becka?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would say that.
Speaker 2: The hardest thing that I feel like I've ever had
Speaker 2: to really navigate was my faith and my religion, and
Speaker 2: especially after meeting Haley.
Speaker 3: I've talked about I actually weirdly talked about this on
Speaker 3: another podcast I did, but.
Speaker 2: I said, I was talking about how like my whole
Speaker 2: life growing up in the South in a very like
Speaker 2: conservative Christian environment, going to a Christian school, going to
Speaker 2: church three times a.
Speaker 1: Week, like three times a week, Sunday.
Speaker 3: Morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night.
Speaker 1: Sunday morning, and Sunday night.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that is a lot. Yeah.
Speaker 2: But then in high school I kind of would just
Speaker 2: kind of go by my like I was more involved,
Speaker 2: like just on my own and wasn't necessarily that was
Speaker 2: like more as a child, and like I went because
Speaker 2: I had to. And then when I was in high school,
Speaker 2: I would go on my own, and what I knew
Speaker 2: about same sex relationships or you know, homosexuality was that
Speaker 2: it was wrong and bad. And so I think that
Speaker 2: when before Haley, my sister came out to me, and
Speaker 2: I think that was a real big shift for me
Speaker 2: because my whole life I had never really had to
Speaker 2: deal This is very selfish statement, but looking back, this
Speaker 2: is how I felt. But because no one that I
Speaker 2: was super close to had told me.
Speaker 3: That that part of them.
Speaker 2: I think that it just was never I just kind
Speaker 2: of like had my beliefs, but it was never something
Speaker 2: I talked about or felt like I needed to reevaluate
Speaker 2: until my sister came out to me, because I felt like,
Speaker 2: how am I supposed to believe what I've been taught
Speaker 2: my whole life about this person who I love more
Speaker 2: than anything, you know, Like it was like my whole
Speaker 2: mindset and like my belief system was kind of like shook,
Speaker 2: and you grow up being.
Speaker 3: Like you don't question, like how I grew up.
Speaker 2: You don't question anything, You don't take a deep dive
Speaker 2: and look into things like that. Like I had never
Speaker 2: even had that perspective of thinking about it.
Speaker 3: Until you know, my sister.
Speaker 2: And so then when I met Hayley, it was such
Speaker 2: this instant connection that I didn't really go into the
Speaker 2: faith thing until I was kind of having to navigate
Speaker 2: things with my family and my parents, and then it.
Speaker 3: Was like what do I actually believe?
Speaker 2: Like I started having this moment of like I just
Speaker 2: kind of followed and did what I was told, but
Speaker 2: like I've never looked into it as like what do
Speaker 2: I connect with?
Speaker 3: What do I believe about this.
Speaker 2: What what is it that's keeping me in this state
Speaker 2: of faith or like believing in something that's so big?
Speaker 2: So I went through this huge phase of just being
Speaker 2: like what is it? Can I keep that? And can
Speaker 2: I have a relationship with a woman? You know?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: And that was really scary because it was like the
Speaker 2: most consistent important thing in my life. And then I
Speaker 2: realized I can have both and I believe in I
Speaker 2: believe in what I believe in. And I think I've
Speaker 2: always feared talking about religion because I was scared of
Speaker 2: what Christian people would say, Like my fear has always
Speaker 2: been around what will the Christians say? And then I
Speaker 2: was thinking, how twisted is that that my fear of
Speaker 2: who's going to bully me?
Speaker 3: Or t is gonna be Christian people?
Speaker 2: Like what a backwards mindset of Like how to think
Speaker 2: about faith as opposed to thinking it's so huge? It's
Speaker 2: faith because you don't it's believing in something that you
Speaker 2: can't see or know, and also there's so many elements
Speaker 2: to it. So I just always felt like it's my
Speaker 2: it's such a personal thing and it's it's my personal journey.
Speaker 2: And I always felt like I needed to make sure
Speaker 2: everyone was happy with how I was doing it, But
Speaker 2: no one's ever gonna be happy with how you're doing it.
Speaker 2: I find personally that my faith brings me more peace
Speaker 2: than anything else in my life.
Speaker 3: So that's how I've been able to like when people like,
Speaker 3: how do you still believe?
Speaker 2: But I think the organized religion of it all has
Speaker 2: been a little bit of a turn off because I
Speaker 2: see people that I don't really want to associate and
Speaker 2: if they're if they're of the Christian faith or they're
Speaker 2: talking about that, I'm like, I don't want to really
Speaker 2: be associated with those people, right? And that was really
Speaker 2: that's kind of a complicated feeling, you know, because you're like, well,
Speaker 2: you grow up being like you really shouldn't have deep
Speaker 2: relationships outside of people who believe the same as you,
Speaker 2: you know, but that feels so.
Speaker 3: That doesn't.
Speaker 2: I just feel like what I've learned and like how
Speaker 2: what I believe Jesus to be was not that type
Speaker 2: of person.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what an awful statement that you shouldn't have deep
Speaker 1: relationships with Basically, like.
Speaker 2: Don't don't have deep rooted relationships with people who don't
Speaker 2: have the same beliefs.
Speaker 1: How do you grow you learn the world.
Speaker 3: That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Like until I, until I moved out of that mindset,
Speaker 2: the amount of people I met who celebrate totally different
Speaker 2: cultures and religion I would have never known had I
Speaker 2: not moved and like ask questions and gotten to know
Speaker 2: people who were different than me. And I think it's
Speaker 2: such a beautiful thing to have relationships with people from
Speaker 2: all different backgrounds and from the you know, different parts
Speaker 2: of the country and world, and and I think it's
Speaker 2: a beautiful thing. I just I don't know, it's it's
Speaker 2: definitely complicated. It's not something I have a clear answer about, obviously,
Speaker 2: but I have my faith, and I think that if
Speaker 2: you don't connect to something, you can't force yourself. But
Speaker 2: I also it gives me peace believing in something bigger
Speaker 2: than me.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I think for me.
Speaker 5: It was a really hard topic because I did grow
Speaker 5: up very Serbian Orthodox, Like I would go to church
Speaker 5: every Sunday with my dad, and it's more deep rooted
Speaker 5: for my dad than my mom, I think. But when
Speaker 5: I I never felt connected to the Serbian Orthodox Church.
Speaker 5: I didn't really understand what they were saying. I always
Speaker 5: felt judged because I didn't speak Serbian. It was very traditional,
Speaker 5: like I had to wear a skirt past my knees,
Speaker 5: you can't have your shoulders. It was just it felt
Speaker 5: I never felt like I fit in when I was
Speaker 5: going there, and that's hard, right. So again, I'm doing
Speaker 5: this because I'm just I'm going with my dad and
Speaker 5: it means so much to him. And then when I
Speaker 5: started going to Christian Church and really finding my footing
Speaker 5: in that, it was like a really hard conversation with
Speaker 5: my parents because like they just didn't understand it. They
Speaker 5: were just like, it's all the same beliefs, so why
Speaker 5: can't you go?
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 5: It was like a really hard and it still is
Speaker 5: to this day a very touchy subject. And I think
Speaker 5: it's because, you know, I grew up one hundred percent
Speaker 5: fully Serbian, and I think that in my parents' eyes,
Speaker 5: it was like I was turning my back on that,
Speaker 5: and I you know, I wanted to be different than
Speaker 5: how I was born and.
Speaker 4: Didn't appreciate that, you know. And like my sister got.
Speaker 5: Married and her husband converted to Serbian Orthodox and they
Speaker 5: got married in a Serbian Orthodox church, and like she
Speaker 5: did it the way that I think they wanted that
Speaker 5: they wanted it, and I'm going to do it a
Speaker 5: marrying a Jewish man with a pop culture officiant, not
Speaker 5: in a serby words at the Dux church, you.
Speaker 4: Know, Like it's very it's just very different. And so.
Speaker 5: That's what's hard for me is it's how hard it
Speaker 5: is for my parents. It has not been hard for
Speaker 5: me personally, like being Christian and my relationship with God
Speaker 5: is what is what fuels me. It's not about the
Speaker 5: rules and the what not to do and who not
Speaker 5: to be with. I did get a lot of criticism
Speaker 5: when I started dating Robbie, like, you know, how do
Speaker 5: you guys do it? How to navigate? And I'm like,
Speaker 5: it's actually quite beautiful. We both celebrate each other's holidays
Speaker 5: and traditions and learn and grow and I think it's
Speaker 5: cool that he's Jewish and I'm Christian and it works
Speaker 5: and we think about I don't know, like we just
Speaker 5: have more holidays and more celebrating, Like who doesn't like that?
Speaker 4: You know what I mean? Will it be different when
Speaker 4: we have a kid. I don't know. I have no idea,
Speaker 4: I'm no idea how that's going to feel.
Speaker 5: But for now, this is how we do it, and
Speaker 5: we like it.
Speaker 1: It's a hard question for me because I don't speak
Speaker 1: this language, you know, And I don't feel guilty about that,
Speaker 1: Like you feel guilty you don't speak Swedish. Well, no,
Speaker 1: I don't speak Swedish, so therefore I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: speak religion. I don't really know anything about it. I
Speaker 1: haven't had in my whole life. But I'll say this,
Speaker 1: it's all taught. Homophobia is taught, Racism is taught, transphobia, islamophobia,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Any this disregard, dislike, disapproval of cultures
Speaker 1: or lifestyles is all taught. When my kids were born,
Speaker 1: I saw it. They loved everybody, everybody. But the journey
Speaker 1: that most people are forced to go on is I
Speaker 1: love everybody, and then someone tells them you shouldn't love
Speaker 1: this person with these people are these people? Are these
Speaker 1: people for various reasons. And then those kids are like, okay, God,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to like any of those people. And
Speaker 1: then they get out in the world and they meet
Speaker 1: a gay person, they meet a black person, they meet
Speaker 1: a Muslim person, and they realize, gosh, you know what,
Speaker 1: this is kind of cool. These people that are out
Speaker 1: there in the world and that's the journey we make
Speaker 1: everyone go on, which is so odd to me. Well,
Speaker 1: with my kids, I just want to put a period
Speaker 1: of the end of statement. You love everyone, great love everyone.
Speaker 1: And some people would say to me, you know, your
Speaker 1: sister is married to a woman. Was that weird for
Speaker 1: your kids? No, they love everyone, and so saying to
Speaker 1: my kids, we never even said it that that's your
Speaker 1: aunt Amy, and that's your aunt Emily, that's her wife Emily. Okay, cool,
Speaker 1: Like they just when you love everyone, like as all
Speaker 1: babies do, they just accept everything. It's fine, That's just
Speaker 1: how the world is. And he said, love is love,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It's a beautiful thing. So I wish
Speaker 1: there was less of that. I wish there was so
Speaker 1: much less of that journey that we make everyone go
Speaker 1: so interesting.
Speaker 5: I do feel like, and I'm not going to get political,
Speaker 5: but if you look at a lot of the harm
Speaker 5: in the world, it is all rooted in what am
Speaker 5: I trying to say, that device those walls. Everybody that's
Speaker 5: been put into a wall, been born into like these
Speaker 5: these views. And I think if that weren't the case,
Speaker 5: there would be a lot more peace in our world.
Speaker 1: And but I would as a as a non religious person,
Speaker 1: I'd point out their religion is one of those walls.
Speaker 4: That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, right, So it's like it's like, imagine by
Speaker 1: John Lennon, imagine no religion. Imagine there's no countries. You know,
Speaker 1: there's borders, there's language, there's skin color, there's religion. It
Speaker 1: all separates us in different ways. And it would be
Speaker 1: a much better world if we weren't separated by all
Speaker 1: these different things, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I feel I also I was thinking about
Speaker 2: like when I when Haley and I were going to
Speaker 2: come out and be public, all all of my fear
Speaker 2: was surrounded by like Christian people saying things, you know,
Speaker 2: like you read the Bible, you know, like just all that.
Speaker 3: I really didn't think about any.
Speaker 2: Other type of hate, And I remember thinking why did
Speaker 2: I have that? You know that, because that's how I
Speaker 2: used to think. So in my mind, I was like everyone,
Speaker 2: that's how, that's what I should be worried about, because
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 3: I was not. I mean, I guess taught to be judgmental, you.
Speaker 2: Know, you're like you're raised to be friends with certain
Speaker 2: people and to form relationships with certain people. And so
Speaker 2: when I realized that my biggest fear of who was
Speaker 2: going to hurt me the most were the Christians, people
Speaker 2: who were religious.
Speaker 3: I was like, this feels like it's not right.
Speaker 1: I think it's a credit to you that you stuck
Speaker 1: with it. I think a lot of people realizing this
Speaker 1: is not right leave the church. You know, I don't
Speaker 1: know how involve you on an actual church. Your faith
Speaker 1: has has continued, which I think is a credit to you.
Speaker 3: Thank you. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think it was one of those things of like
Speaker 2: give up something that means so much because of what
Speaker 2: other people might say or not agree with, or keep
Speaker 2: something that's so personal and important to me and also
Speaker 2: live my life, you know.
Speaker 3: So but it's hard. Religions so complicated.
Speaker 7: How do you feel about it?
Speaker 6: It's it's weird.
Speaker 7: I I had a I was very very anti religion
Speaker 7: for a very long time because so my my father
Speaker 7: was an ultra boy and he was abused by a
Speaker 7: priest when he was a child. He's been he was
Speaker 7: in like a documentary about He's been very open about it,
Speaker 7: and I like went with him to a lot of
Speaker 7: like helping other like survivors and say victims, but and
Speaker 7: like seeing how the church reacted to when all that
Speaker 7: was happening, the Catholic church specifically just despicable, like like
Speaker 7: it was.
Speaker 6: It was really crazy. It was really.
Speaker 7: Upsetting to see how they were reacting to these horrible
Speaker 7: things happening. And so I was like, Oh, religion sucks
Speaker 7: like this, this sucks, like who would want to do
Speaker 7: something like this? And and it you know, that's why
Speaker 7: we we never went to church growing up because of that,
Speaker 7: because like like my parents went to like a Catholic
Speaker 7: high school, and then when my sister and I were born,
Speaker 7: like we'd go to church like one time and then
Speaker 7: might have like, I'm not doing this. We wouldn't go back.
Speaker 7: I never knew what the what the deal was. But
Speaker 7: so I didn't have religion forever. And and it wasn't
Speaker 7: until long into adulthood that I was like meeting other
Speaker 7: people that had faith and like realizing, oh, this person
Speaker 7: like doesn't hate it, you know, like so many negative
Speaker 7: things with it, and uh, and I see so many
Speaker 7: beautiful things come from faith and come from the community
Speaker 7: that in a church. So that that was a I mean,
Speaker 7: that was a journey I had to go on, you know,
Speaker 7: you talk about that like like I really had a
Speaker 7: lot of animosity towards organized religion for a long time.
Speaker 7: But that being said, I don't think that I've ever
Speaker 7: had an issue living my life like not without religion,
Speaker 7: like in terms of like how to behave and how
Speaker 7: to really.
Speaker 3: To be moral compass.
Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, you know, I I and I know that's
Speaker 7: not the same way, you know, not everyone needs that,
Speaker 7: But I don't know I'll never I don't think I'll
Speaker 7: ever go to church. We Allison worked in a church,
Speaker 7: like in admin roll for a while, and like I
Speaker 7: went to some services there just like you know, because
Speaker 7: it's like her coworkers, you know, doing that thing, and
Speaker 7: it was fine, and I thought it was I thought
Speaker 7: it was like nice.
Speaker 6: But but I don't think I'll ever do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I don't know.
Speaker 6: I'm trying to stay here.
Speaker 7: Do what you want, you know, believe what you want,
Speaker 7: but don't do terrible things other people.
Speaker 2: Goes.
Speaker 1: I don't like that you feel guilty about any of it.
Speaker 1: You should figure out what you believe in and what
Speaker 1: you don't, but you you shouldn't fee gilty about it
Speaker 1: whatever it is exactly. I know that's easier said than done.
Speaker 3: But no, and it's really hard.
Speaker 2: But I do think that there is beauty in figuring
Speaker 2: out what you believe in. I think your journey of
Speaker 2: finding something that that you believe in is important and
Speaker 2: it's beautiful, and it's also hard because there's a lot
Speaker 2: of opinions about it.
Speaker 4: It's very hard.
Speaker 2: Okay, there's a we have a one to two more emails,
Speaker 2: so we're going to take a break and we'll be
Speaker 2: right back.
Speaker 3: All right, we are back. Which one do we want
Speaker 3: to do next?
Speaker 1: How about this one from Becca? Hi, Tanya and Becca.
Speaker 1: I love your podcast. It truly brings me so much
Speaker 1: joy to listen to every week, Like I'm listening in
Speaker 1: on my girlfriends and find myself laughing out loud to
Speaker 1: myself in the car. My boyfriend and I have been
Speaker 1: together for three years and are now talking about taking
Speaker 1: the next steps of an engagement and getting married. My
Speaker 1: boyfriend is adamant about getting a pre nup before we
Speaker 1: getting married. I can't help it feel like that means
Speaker 1: we will be preparing for a divorce before we're even married.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend would be coming into the married with significantly
Speaker 1: more money than me. I can't help it feel like
Speaker 1: a prenup puts us in a situation where we're protecting
Speaker 1: ourselves against each other and feel as though it's a
Speaker 1: lack of trust rather than unity. If either, if you
Speaker 1: had this conversation, do you see it as a lack
Speaker 1: of trust or just going through the motions like getting
Speaker 1: insurance for any other major commitment in life.
Speaker 2: This is so funny because before, like my whole life
Speaker 2: growing up, or when I the first time I ever
Speaker 2: heard about a prenup or what it was, I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, that is just such a negative like viewpoint,
Speaker 2: and why would you I had that mindset of like
Speaker 2: you're just anticipating that it's gonna end before it even begins.
Speaker 2: But now I have a different view on it, in
Speaker 2: the sense that if someone has a significant amount of
Speaker 2: money more than the person that they're marrying, I just
Speaker 2: think that it's a way of being like, hey, I
Speaker 2: have no intention about like this ever having to come
Speaker 2: into play, but I like, you just don't know what's
Speaker 2: gonna happen in life.
Speaker 4: Yeah, honestly, I don't know what y'all think.
Speaker 3: Because you're all married and then you're you're getting.
Speaker 4: Married getting married.
Speaker 5: I would be not offended at all if Robbi would
Speaker 5: have come to me and said, I think we should have.
Speaker 4: A prenup like I really wouldn't, especially coming from his
Speaker 4: previous experience, Like.
Speaker 5: To me, you just you really I get it. It
Speaker 5: does feel dark because you are preparing something in the
Speaker 5: case that it does not and the way that you
Speaker 5: want it to. But I just feel like it's like
Speaker 5: anything in life. And also if you're really, if you're
Speaker 5: good and like you're good in a good, healthy relationship,
Speaker 5: you know what you're going to bring to the table.
Speaker 5: It's just a matter of contract, like anything else that
Speaker 5: you sign in life, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I also wonder though, if it's different if the if
Speaker 2: the goal is that you're going to be a mom,
Speaker 2: and the goal is you're like you're going to be
Speaker 2: a stay at home mom, then I feel like that's
Speaker 2: a different conversation because if you're at home raising the
Speaker 2: kids and you have kids together, and then this person
Speaker 2: signs a pre nup and it's like you're not getting
Speaker 2: you and the kids aren't getting anything, that's kind of dark.
Speaker 5: But I feel like you would factor that in, you
Speaker 5: would factor everything in that your situation is.
Speaker 8: I feel like if they couldn't go after correct yeah,
Speaker 8: and you just kind of lay it out because what
Speaker 8: I feel like, when you get divorced, I'm not, to
Speaker 8: the knowledge of anyone ever getting divorced under happy terms,
Speaker 8: like people are usually pissed and fiery and angry, and
Speaker 8: that is like.
Speaker 5: The worst you are, your worst self when you're going
Speaker 5: through and hurt and bitterer on either side, you know
Speaker 5: what I mean. Like, if you got cheated on, you're
Speaker 5: fucking pissed and you're bitter and you're hurt.
Speaker 4: If you are the one that cheated, you're.
Speaker 5: Fucking oh sorry, and yeah, but I think it's on
Speaker 5: both ends, do you.
Speaker 4: Know what I mean? So it's like you're your worst self.
Speaker 5: So if there's already something in place that you have
Speaker 5: both agreed upon under happy terms, that's just going to
Speaker 5: deal with the situation. I feel like that's better than
Speaker 5: the latter in my personal tet.
Speaker 3: No, I agree.
Speaker 2: And it's also like if you go and get life insurance,
Speaker 2: it's like, oh, are you anticipating that, like you're immediately
Speaker 2: gonna die. No, it's just like setting everybody up to
Speaker 2: be protected in this in the case that something happens.
Speaker 4: When you're all happy and in a sound right mind.
Speaker 2: That's a good point, though, You're right, people get I mean,
Speaker 2: it brings up I think that situation and brings out
Speaker 2: the worst in people, the.
Speaker 5: Worst, and then you spend so much time and money
Speaker 5: and energy on all of that when if you just
Speaker 5: had it done, it's just there.
Speaker 3: And I'd also like to validate that.
Speaker 2: I think as a human being, it feels very normal
Speaker 2: and valid that your feelings would feel a little bit
Speaker 2: hurt and like everything that you're saying makes perfect sense
Speaker 2: to me. But I'm almost I think, yeah, I'm with
Speaker 2: Tanya in the sense that it just sets sets things
Speaker 2: up before you move into the marriage if anything were
Speaker 2: to happen.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and you said it again, on good terms where
Speaker 5: you both are looking out for each other's best interest.
Speaker 5: You think it's fair. You know again, I too, like
Speaker 5: I would feel there is a part of me that
Speaker 5: would feel sad. Heck, I could even ask him for
Speaker 5: a prenup. You know, there would be a part of
Speaker 5: me that would be sad about it, But I also
Speaker 5: wouldn't be so offended either way.
Speaker 1: It's excellent advice.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I can't another thing I can't relate to. When Amy
Speaker 1: and I met, we had nothing. Yeah, zero assets, We
Speaker 1: own no property. Our cars were worthless, like we had zero.
Speaker 1: So it's hard to imagine that. But I think I
Speaker 1: think it's fine. And I think I think your your
Speaker 1: analogy about how you're in a better state of mind
Speaker 1: now than you would be at the time. God forbid.
Speaker 1: I think it's smart.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 7: I mean Allison and I were in the same like
Speaker 7: when we met. We also had nothing, but something we
Speaker 7: did I think I talked about on the show. But
Speaker 7: Allison inherited some money from her grandfather a couple of
Speaker 7: years ago, and she bought this cabin that we spent
Speaker 7: a lot of time in up in the mountains, and
Speaker 7: her attorney said, you should this should be bought soul
Speaker 7: and separate, Like it should be just your name on it,
Speaker 7: so that if something happens, you know, it's property. Yeah,
Speaker 7: like we don't have to sell it and I get
Speaker 7: half of it, you know. And she was like really
Speaker 7: sheepish about it, like talking to me about that, and
Speaker 7: I was like, no, that, I think that's a great idea.
Speaker 7: That's fantastic. That's so like, you know, if something happens,
Speaker 7: I have no claim to that property, and you know,
Speaker 7: I don't anticipate anything to happen. But I felt like
Speaker 7: that it makes her feel more secure and it doesn't
Speaker 7: bother me at all, Like I you know, that's and
Speaker 7: I told her tale, was like, do you want to
Speaker 7: get a post enough? Is that something you like to do?
Speaker 7: And she's like, no, what are we going to do?
Speaker 7: But uh, yeah, that's h And also it kind of
Speaker 7: absolves me for having to do any damn work on
Speaker 7: that house because I have problem. Yeah, as soon as
Speaker 7: I get under the end of the head there, then
Speaker 7: I have a financial interest.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry, the court is not going to look very
Speaker 6: fondly on that site.
Speaker 4: It is true.
Speaker 3: It's interesting.
Speaker 5: It's such an interesting conversation because I think that it
Speaker 5: does have a very negative connotation, but I think it's
Speaker 5: very realistic. Money is a factor in life, and so
Speaker 5: it's just like you treat it like anything else, like
Speaker 5: a contract.
Speaker 1: All right, Anonymous says the guy I truly believe is
Speaker 1: my person is newly single. We were in a best
Speaker 1: friends type situationship almost a decade. It was too hard
Speaker 1: for me to see him with someone else, and then
Speaker 1: our mutual friend group disbanded soon after, so we haven't
Speaker 1: spoken for a few years. We never had a conversation
Speaker 1: or any closure because I was never confident enough to
Speaker 1: tell him how I felt. I never regret that every
Speaker 1: day now that he's single again, I've been waiting for
Speaker 1: him to reach out, but I haven't heard anything yet.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's because he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to talk to me, or if he just thinks I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear from him. Should I keep waiting
Speaker 1: to see if he reaches out, or should I reach
Speaker 1: out to him. I don't want to seem desperate. I
Speaker 1: have no clue what to even say. That would be
Speaker 1: the length of that wouldn't be the length of an
Speaker 1: entire novel. I just want him to somehow get the
Speaker 1: messages that I miss him, and I want to reconnect.
Speaker 3: This feels like a great moment for Hey, how are you.
Speaker 3: I've been thinking about you lately. Are you free to
Speaker 3: catch up? Hey?
Speaker 1: I saw that movie maybe think of you?
Speaker 3: Hey? Yeah, I heard that song? Remember that song we
Speaker 3: always we loved when we all hang out. I hope
Speaker 3: you're doing well. I heard that song that reminded me of.
Speaker 1: You when I drove by that restaurant we went to
Speaker 1: that one time. Have you been there recently a favorite
Speaker 1: of mine.
Speaker 6: I had a dream about you.
Speaker 4: That's a good one. It's actually a good one.
Speaker 2: But anyone ever says they have a dream about me,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I gotcha, say no more.
Speaker 3: I know what that means. I always assume, like because
Speaker 3: if I were to, like when I used to try
Speaker 3: and like reach out to someone I had talked to
Speaker 3: and it was a guy, had to dream about you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, funny how that works.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I say, you open the door, like you just
Speaker 5: open it slightly, like to let the breeze in. You
Speaker 5: don't open it wide and let like the whole air
Speaker 5: conditioning come into the room. You're just opening it slightly
Speaker 5: to get the.
Speaker 4: Little bit of breeze.
Speaker 5: That way, if you're not it's not fully open, you're
Speaker 5: not vulnerable completely. But if it's not totally shut, then
Speaker 5: it gives them the freedom to just blow it.
Speaker 4: Open, if you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: Just blow it right open, blow it right open.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I think you don't have to immediately
Speaker 2: confess your feelings. If you's just got out of a relationship.
Speaker 2: Maybe he's grieving the relationship and he's not even thinking
Speaker 2: about dating again, so or.
Speaker 4: He could you don't know he could be so stoked
Speaker 4: to be out of that relationship totally.
Speaker 3: But I'm saying, you never know until you know.
Speaker 2: Confess all of your feelings in a long text or call.
Speaker 2: You can just say, hey, I've been thinking about you,
Speaker 2: had to dream about you. I was just wondering how
Speaker 2: you're doing.
Speaker 3: I'd love to catch up.
Speaker 5: This is what Bill Hayter did with with Ali Wang.
Speaker 5: Ali Wang got a divorce. It was all over the news,
Speaker 5: and she was like, I did not realize that I
Speaker 5: was going to be like a calling a bat signal
Speaker 5: because Bill Hater found out that she was getting divorced
Speaker 5: and said, you were the girl of my dreams. I
Speaker 5: had to shoot my shot and look at them now.
Speaker 5: In case you don't know, they're together, I didn't.
Speaker 3: I didn't know that.
Speaker 5: So this is actually used to me spoiler alert, they
Speaker 5: are together. So I don't know, man, I say, take
Speaker 5: the Bill Hayter approach when.
Speaker 1: In doubt, I don't.
Speaker 2: She thinks this is our guys, So she does want
Speaker 2: to tread lightly because she doesn't want to blow it.
Speaker 4: Who needs to tread lightly?
Speaker 1: Who treads lightly? I've never tread lightly.
Speaker 2: You were kind of in your like getting advice on
Speaker 2: how to handle the dating apps. You were treading lightly
Speaker 2: because you were asking on how to tread lightly.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, no, no no, I've not tread lightly.
Speaker 5: I would hand the ball over to somebody to pretend
Speaker 5: to me so that they could tread lightly. But I
Speaker 5: myself never tread lightly.
Speaker 3: That's what I'm saying. You've called in the sources to
Speaker 3: tread lightly, and I'm just saying.
Speaker 1: That's not your style.
Speaker 4: It's not my style.
Speaker 1: You're not a light treader.
Speaker 4: No.
Speaker 5: Me and Bill Hater birds of a feather, Yeah, you
Speaker 5: and Bill Hater birds of a feather, we stick together.
Speaker 3: That's all for now. See that was very different than
Speaker 3: ask us anything.
Speaker 5: So different, way deeper, sterraneous.
Speaker 1: Four questions as opposed to thirty questions.
Speaker 6: What's your favorite color?
Speaker 4: Right right, right, right right?
Speaker 1: My real quick favorite color go oh white, really unexpected
Speaker 1: the color all colors combined. It's all colors.
Speaker 4: I don't have a favorite color.
Speaker 6: That's that's very tiny though. Everything working in harmony.
Speaker 1: Thank you back a favorite color blue?
Speaker 4: It is.
Speaker 1: Blue. I'm also blue. I like a cobalt blue.
Speaker 3: Okay, I love a coal, but I love like the
Speaker 3: color of the Tahoe water.
Speaker 5: That's the thing you can't say, like what's your favorite color?
Speaker 5: It's like, what's your favorite color to wear? What's your
Speaker 5: favorite color to look at?
Speaker 1: What's your favorite I just said what's your color? And
Speaker 1: the other two three people in the room answered that,
Speaker 1: no problem.
Speaker 3: But I see what I'm wearing.
Speaker 4: Well, they're not going subterranean on the question.
Speaker 3: I know you, what's your favorite what's your favorite color
Speaker 3: to look at?
Speaker 4: Pink?
Speaker 3: I would say, okay, what's your favorite color to wear?
Speaker 1: Black? Wow?
Speaker 6: Also, that's the absence of color orange.
Speaker 4: Orange.
Speaker 3: Your favorite color to wear is orange.
Speaker 4: I love me and orange.
Speaker 5: Hey, I don't have a lot of it, not a lot,
Speaker 5: not a lot out there.
Speaker 3: Okay, but I love to wear it. What's your favorite color?
Speaker 2: That?
Speaker 3: Robbie worse, These these verse answers are just.
Speaker 4: What I'm saying. There's just so much more to the question.
Speaker 1: That's the beauty of this show, isn't it. We could
Speaker 1: do an entire episode and what's your favorite color?
Speaker 3: Because nothing, no, no, no, it's always subterranean.
Speaker 4: And that's that is life. You know.
Speaker 3: It should be called scrub terraneum.
Speaker 4: Wow, that's what this episode should be called.
Speaker 3: Yeah, all right, thank you for that. We love y'all
Speaker 3: so much. Have a great weekend, let see you next week.