Speaker 1: What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.
Speaker 1: I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,
Speaker 1: an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm
Speaker 1: very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this
Speaker 1: good in a while. A lot has happened in the
Speaker 1: past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.
Speaker 1: I am a little nervous about this episode though. This
Speaker 1: is something I've been wanting to talk about for a
Speaker 1: while and I wanted to share with you guys. So
Speaker 1: here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about
Speaker 1: my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted
Speaker 1: to share it because I truly believe that this can
Speaker 1: heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.
Speaker 1: I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's
Speaker 1: something that I stand by, and I have decided that
Speaker 1: I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let
Speaker 1: me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If
Speaker 1: you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys
Speaker 1: haven't read my books, you don't know too much about
Speaker 1: my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,
Speaker 1: it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty
Speaker 1: one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's
Speaker 1: in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested
Speaker 1: me when I was eight years old. It was from that,
Speaker 1: I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on
Speaker 1: the run for ten years, and in two thousand and
Speaker 1: seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.
Speaker 1: Then we went to court. We were on trial for
Speaker 1: a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he
Speaker 1: was found out of nine counts. I believe from I
Speaker 1: think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.
Speaker 1: I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire
Speaker 1: year of having to go to court and talk about
Speaker 1: everything that happened in front of my mom, in front
Speaker 1: of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front
Speaker 1: of my then fiance because I was also engaged a
Speaker 1: long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,
Speaker 1: It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad
Speaker 1: in ten years because he, you know, was on the
Speaker 1: run since I was twelve years old, So having to
Speaker 1: relive all of that was very hard. And then also
Speaker 1: I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify
Speaker 1: because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I
Speaker 1: want to say, around twenty five or something like that.
Speaker 1: She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I
Speaker 1: don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had
Speaker 1: a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt
Speaker 1: his life. But then my mom made me understand that
Speaker 1: it's something I had to do, that justice had to
Speaker 1: be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out
Speaker 1: of my hands, you know. And she said, through you
Speaker 1: telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.
Speaker 1: So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to go on there because it was hard.
Speaker 1: I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking
Speaker 1: horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.
Speaker 1: But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,
Speaker 1: and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was
Speaker 1: on the stand, I had to like just get off.
Speaker 1: And that's when I told my mom was like, outside
Speaker 1: of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's
Speaker 1: been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,
Speaker 1: there's a reason why he got caught. So she made
Speaker 1: me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.
Speaker 1: Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I
Speaker 1: was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,
Speaker 1: and so I was just like, how how am I
Speaker 1: going to talk about all this because it was a very,
Speaker 1: very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It
Speaker 1: was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret
Speaker 1: going through it because now I can talk about things
Speaker 1: like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of
Speaker 1: a backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's
Speaker 1: what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.
Speaker 1: And I submitted my application and he I've talked to
Speaker 1: him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie
Speaker 1: has a little bit more communication with him. And I
Speaker 1: know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,
Speaker 1: and I know that a lot of people have attacked
Speaker 1: my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's
Speaker 1: my sister. I love her, and she has all the
Speaker 1: right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't
Speaker 1: think it ever happened to her. I did my best
Speaker 1: to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.
Speaker 1: She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I
Speaker 1: was like, why does she talk to him? Why does
Speaker 1: she want to have a relationship with him? He did
Speaker 1: this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,
Speaker 1: I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,
Speaker 1: you know. But now I'm like, who am I to
Speaker 1: take away my sister or keep that from her, or
Speaker 1: take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,
Speaker 1: that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and
Speaker 1: I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just
Speaker 1: feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,
Speaker 1: kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.
Speaker 1: There's thing wrong with her talking to my dad. And
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.
Speaker 1: Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your
Speaker 1: mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell
Speaker 1: you guys right now, I know my mother. I know
Speaker 1: my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of
Speaker 1: my life, and I know my mom had a very
Speaker 1: forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny
Speaker 1: and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,
Speaker 1: my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,
Speaker 1: and then when he passed. My mom is a very
Speaker 1: forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,
Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,
Speaker 1: and she would probably even go with me. You guys,
Speaker 1: I really really feel it. But not only that. I
Speaker 1: am my own person. This happened to me, and if
Speaker 1: I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys
Speaker 1: be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there
Speaker 1: are people that have said I can't believe she just
Speaker 1: forgave him and this and that. I've seen a lot
Speaker 1: of little things here and there, but I don't care.
Speaker 1: I feel that this is part of my healing, of
Speaker 1: closing that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,
Speaker 1: and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,
Speaker 1: I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.
Speaker 1: I was going through a lot then and I was
Speaker 1: very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants
Speaker 1: to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.
Speaker 1: I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke
Speaker 1: to him and she related the message to me, you know,
Speaker 1: because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,
Speaker 1: I get it, sister, But he just says he felt
Speaker 1: very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.
Speaker 1: I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt
Speaker 1: like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: I was a little bit better about the situation. I
Speaker 1: still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go
Speaker 1: visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister
Speaker 1: that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think
Speaker 1: a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and
Speaker 1: he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a
Speaker 1: lot while being in prison. And I want to think
Speaker 1: that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he
Speaker 1: never has and he's never really admitted to doing it.
Speaker 1: From what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him.
Speaker 1: The times that I have talked to him on the phone,
Speaker 1: it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,
Speaker 1: I just want to say, can I pray for you
Speaker 1: before you know you walk to the altar? And I
Speaker 1: said yeah and I let him, and then another time
Speaker 1: just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,
Speaker 1: now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I
Speaker 1: want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation
Speaker 1: that needs to be had in person, which is why
Speaker 1: I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for
Speaker 1: my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.
Speaker 1: And the last time I was out of prison was
Speaker 1: freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like
Speaker 1: eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.
Speaker 1: And the only reason I went the first time to
Speaker 1: go visit someone was because I was a witness at
Speaker 1: a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss
Speaker 1: be actually was getting married to someone and she wanted
Speaker 1: me to be her witness, so I went and I
Speaker 1: was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and
Speaker 1: I both were accepted to go and visit him. I
Speaker 1: know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing is,
Speaker 1: is I feel bad because his mom just passed. Both
Speaker 1: his parents have passed while he's been in there, and
Speaker 1: I don't know, I want to think that he's learned
Speaker 1: a lot. From what I hear, he has learned a lot. Again,
Speaker 1: Like his faith is like at the best it's ever been,
Speaker 1: at the highest, And I'm not gonna lie. I have
Speaker 1: thought about putting in a petition to help him come
Speaker 1: out sooner, because he has a daughter, he has a wife.
Speaker 1: From what I hear, his wife has been by his side,
Speaker 1: and I think that's fucking admirable. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: just I feel bad, you know, But I know that
Speaker 1: that I can't necessarily do that yet I still have
Speaker 1: to take this step in and seeing him in person
Speaker 1: and see if he really does admit to what he
Speaker 1: did and and apologizes. You know, that's all I really need.
Speaker 1: I don't need to get into details. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I mean, And if this visit doesn't go that way,
Speaker 1: I think that I would I just would close that
Speaker 1: door and and not worry about it anymore, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like I'd just be like, well, if sister,
Speaker 1: if you still want to have a relationship with him,
Speaker 1: I'm okay with it. But if he doesn't tell me
Speaker 1: what I need to hear, then there's no reason to
Speaker 1: continue or to go visit him again, you know. And
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm wrong for that, but that's
Speaker 1: just I'm not gonna wait my time or waste his,
Speaker 1: you know. I want to think that maybe he's ready
Speaker 1: now more than ever that his parents are in heaven,
Speaker 1: because maybe it's something he didn't want to admit to
Speaker 1: out loud, because he doesn't want to hurt his family. Obviously,
Speaker 1: his family thinks that it didn't happen. They think that
Speaker 1: my mom put this in my head, that my mom
Speaker 1: made me say it, and that's absolutely false. I remember
Speaker 1: everything that happened. Unfortunately, I remember details, so no one
Speaker 1: put this in my head, especially not my mom. If anything,
Speaker 1: I I'm so grateful that she believed me. She never
Speaker 1: questioned me. But I respect his decisions and I don't
Speaker 1: I feel worried. I feel worried for him because I
Speaker 1: know when this whole thing happened, you know, especially in
Speaker 1: the beginning, like in jail, people do things they've freaking
Speaker 1: beat them up, child abusers, you know, So I know
Speaker 1: that he went through that, and it hurts me, like
Speaker 1: it's not I don't want to cause him any more pain,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like I really don't like
Speaker 1: and that's why I'm kind of scared. I was afraid
Speaker 1: to talk about this because I'm like, shit, I don't
Speaker 1: want to like open this can of worms for him,
Speaker 1: like if he's already finding his peace in there, you know,
Speaker 1: because I forgave him, you know, and I just want
Speaker 1: people to also forgive him. And just it's no one
Speaker 1: else's like business. I guess it's it's your business because
Speaker 1: I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying, like no
Speaker 1: one should say what I should and shouldn't do. And
Speaker 1: you guys or the people that are kind of like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,
Speaker 1: Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, it's like I
Speaker 1: just don't want to hurt him or his family any
Speaker 1: more than they've already gone through, you know, because we
Speaker 1: all suffered. My family, his family he has suffered so
Speaker 1: much because you know, he lost both his parents while
Speaker 1: being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,
Speaker 1: like not being able to give him a hug, and
Speaker 1: I guess I can because I wasn't able to give
Speaker 1: my mama hug for like two months. I guess I
Speaker 1: get it. So it just maybe that's why it hurts
Speaker 1: me so much. But I just wanted to share this
Speaker 1: because I think it's so important, you guys. The power
Speaker 1: of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves. It's
Speaker 1: a gift that we give ourselves not to hold onto
Speaker 1: things like that, hold on to any resentment, and it
Speaker 1: helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and accomplish
Speaker 1: what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to just
Speaker 1: let go of the baggage. And I tell you guys
Speaker 1: this all the time, and I just felt that I
Speaker 1: wanted to express this and for you guys to help
Speaker 1: me pray because I don't know when I'm going to
Speaker 1: go visit him, but when it happens, now that I'm accepted,
Speaker 1: I just want you guys to send me good wishes
Speaker 1: and your prayers that everything goes well and may God's
Speaker 1: will be done when it comes to that. I saw
Speaker 1: a picture of him the other day and my sister
Speaker 1: took a screenshot because now in jail, I have like
Speaker 1: a way of face timing and the whole thing. It's crazy.
Speaker 1: He even has like a phone number. It's like the
Speaker 1: craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but my sister
Speaker 1: sent me a screenshop when they were on a phone call.
Speaker 1: And it's crazy how much I look like him. It's
Speaker 1: freaking weird, especially because in my mind for so long
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't have a dad. I don't
Speaker 1: have a dad. I don't have parents, Like my mom's
Speaker 1: not here, I don't have a dad. Like, but on
Speaker 1: my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with, oh shit,
Speaker 1: I do have a dad. He is alive. He's here.
Speaker 1: Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all my siblings
Speaker 1: and I kind of had all of that, had that
Speaker 1: in common, where it's like, okay, we don't have parents
Speaker 1: physically and that's kind of like it's just this weird thing.
Speaker 1: I don't know. And then to see his gray hair
Speaker 1: and his gray beard, it's just it's so crazy because
Speaker 1: I remember him with black, black, dark hair and he
Speaker 1: was young and hip and he's aged and it's just
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's the craziest fucking feeling ever. I
Speaker 1: don't know. It makes me emotional because I'm just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what the hell's gonna happen. I don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm feel but I know it's something I
Speaker 1: have the face, and I'm all about facing your fears.
Speaker 1: So this is something that kind of makes me nervous.
Speaker 1: It's nerve wracking, but I know it's going to be
Speaker 1: really good for me, for me to move forward, to
Speaker 1: become a parent, to get married, to just really just
Speaker 1: really close that chapter of my life. I don't know
Speaker 1: what's going to happen after that visit. I have really
Speaker 1: no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown. I'm taking
Speaker 1: a leap of faith here and now that I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about having kids, I mean, if all goes well in
Speaker 1: that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I don't even know.
Speaker 1: I honestly don't even know. Like I'm like I was
Speaker 1: about to say, if I do have kids, would I
Speaker 1: be okay with my daughter or my son meeting him?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Damn, that's a good question. I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess it all just depends. It all just depends
Speaker 1: how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive. I feel
Speaker 1: people's vibes and I just I all would have to see.
Speaker 1: I know that my niece, Jayla, the oldest one, wants
Speaker 1: to meet him, and Jackie asked me, how do you
Speaker 1: feel about that? And I said, I'm totally fine with
Speaker 1: that if you're okay with it. So I think she's
Speaker 1: gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean, I guess
Speaker 1: it's something. I guess we'll have to cross that bridge
Speaker 1: when we get there. You know. As far as my
Speaker 1: kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in his late
Speaker 1: fifties now and he's been in there for seventeen years,
Speaker 1: and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be out until
Speaker 1: twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time. And I
Speaker 1: don't know if I'm crazy, but I just feel like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if he already like repented, maybe you know, like he
Speaker 1: can get out. And I don't know, like I just
Speaker 1: feel I feel like our justice system sometimes is like
Speaker 1: kind of twisted, and I feel like they gave him
Speaker 1: more time because it was such a public trial. I mean,
Speaker 1: who am I to say, right, But I've seen and
Speaker 1: I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys, and
Speaker 1: I watch a lot of stuff people that have murdered.
Speaker 1: People get seven years and this and that or and
Speaker 1: I'm just like I get it, Like I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird
Speaker 1: because it happened to me, and yes, it was very
Speaker 1: traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't
Speaker 1: know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,
Speaker 1: but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I
Speaker 1: feel bad and I don't know what that means. And
Speaker 1: I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,
Speaker 1: or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,
Speaker 1: like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that
Speaker 1: fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we
Speaker 1: would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk
Speaker 1: to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.
Speaker 1: You know. It was just when night came, he was
Speaker 1: a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it
Speaker 1: or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely
Speaker 1: one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing
Speaker 1: because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking twisted.
Speaker 1: It's I don't know. You know. For for a long time,
Speaker 1: I was fine with not seeing him. I was I
Speaker 1: was okay with it. I was like kind of like, Okay,
Speaker 1: we don't have our mom, Johnny and Janna don't have
Speaker 1: their dad, you know. I was kind of like, this
Speaker 1: is what it is, this is our life. But then
Speaker 1: as my sister, I would ask her, Hey, have you
Speaker 1: talked to Dad? Have you gone to visit him? She's
Speaker 1: like yeah, and she would tell me stories and the
Speaker 1: things that they talk about, and she's like, he's so gentle,
Speaker 1: like the way he like, he's different, Like I don't know.
Speaker 1: She's like, I don't remember the way he was before,
Speaker 1: but from what I hear and what I've heard about him,
Speaker 1: he's different. And it just kind of intrigued me, and
Speaker 1: it made me a little curious as to like, okay, well,
Speaker 1: ask him. I told her to ask him if he'd
Speaker 1: be okay with me, just to see what he said.
Speaker 1: And he said yes, that he would be very nervous
Speaker 1: to see me, but that yes, if I'm open to it,
Speaker 1: then he would be as well. So that's kind of
Speaker 1: how it happened. And then I just sat on it
Speaker 1: for a while, and I was kind of like on
Speaker 1: the fence about it, and then little by little reading
Speaker 1: books and reading stories about other people that have gone
Speaker 1: through what I've gone through through sexual abuse and how
Speaker 1: they when they confronted their abuser, how liberating it was,
Speaker 1: and how healing it was. So here I am feeling
Speaker 1: I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay, imagine if I face
Speaker 1: this and I stop ignoring it, what it can do
Speaker 1: in my life, especially if I want to have kids,
Speaker 1: you know, and I want to become a mother, Like
Speaker 1: I I want to be able to tell my child, hey,
Speaker 1: I did this. It's like something that's brewing within me.
Speaker 1: That's just like I have to just let it out
Speaker 1: sort of thing, you know. I have to go visit him.
Speaker 1: I have to go visit him and see where he's
Speaker 1: at mentally, and we'll go from there. But I did
Speaker 1: feel the need to share this with you guys and
Speaker 1: express these things, because again, this is my podcast, is
Speaker 1: where I feel safe and I love having these one
Speaker 1: on one conversations just me the micing you guys, you know.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I know, I know it's gonna be a
Speaker 1: little weird for people, but I do feel ninety five
Speaker 1: percent healed from this, and this five percent that's missing
Speaker 1: is just having this conversation with him and seeing where
Speaker 1: he is, where his headspace is, where his heart is,
Speaker 1: and we'll see. All right. Well, this was a heavy one,
Speaker 1: but like always, I thank you guys for listening, for
Speaker 1: tuning in to Cheese and Chill. I am very grateful
Speaker 1: to have this space. I'm grateful for you guys, each
Speaker 1: and every single one of you. Guys, Tell your friends
Speaker 1: about the podcast. Okay, spread the word, spread the love,
Speaker 1: spread the wisdom. I love you guys so much, and
Speaker 1: I will catch you here on the next episode of
Speaker 1: Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all right Okay, bessos.
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