WEBVTT - 2024 Milestone Recap: Visiting My Dad in Prison

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<v Speaker 1>What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,

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<v Speaker 1>an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this

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<v Speaker 1>good in a while. A lot has happened in the

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<v Speaker 1>past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.

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<v Speaker 1>I am a little nervous about this episode though. This

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<v Speaker 1>is something I've been wanting to talk about for a

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<v Speaker 1>while and I wanted to share with you guys. So

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<v Speaker 1>here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted

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<v Speaker 1>to share it because I truly believe that this can

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<v Speaker 1>heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.

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<v Speaker 1>I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's

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<v Speaker 1>something that I stand by, and I have decided that

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<v Speaker 1>I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let

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<v Speaker 1>me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If

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<v Speaker 1>you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys

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<v Speaker 1>haven't read my books, you don't know too much about

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<v Speaker 1>my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,

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<v Speaker 1>it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty

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<v Speaker 1>one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's

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<v Speaker 1>in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested

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<v Speaker 1>me when I was eight years old. It was from that,

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<v Speaker 1>I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on

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<v Speaker 1>the run for ten years, and in two thousand and

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<v Speaker 1>seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.

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<v Speaker 1>Then we went to court. We were on trial for

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<v Speaker 1>a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he

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<v Speaker 1>was found out of nine counts. I believe from I

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<v Speaker 1>think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire

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<v Speaker 1>year of having to go to court and talk about

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<v Speaker 1>everything that happened in front of my mom, in front

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<v Speaker 1>of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front

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<v Speaker 1>of my then fiance because I was also engaged a

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<v Speaker 1>long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,

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<v Speaker 1>It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad

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<v Speaker 1>in ten years because he, you know, was on the

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<v Speaker 1>run since I was twelve years old, So having to

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<v Speaker 1>relive all of that was very hard. And then also

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify

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<v Speaker 1>because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I

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<v Speaker 1>want to say, around twenty five or something like that.

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<v Speaker 1>She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I

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<v Speaker 1>don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had

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<v Speaker 1>a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt

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<v Speaker 1>his life. But then my mom made me understand that

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<v Speaker 1>it's something I had to do, that justice had to

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<v Speaker 1>be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out

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<v Speaker 1>of my hands, you know. And she said, through you

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<v Speaker 1>telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.

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<v Speaker 1>So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to go on there because it was hard.

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<v Speaker 1>I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking

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<v Speaker 1>horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.

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<v Speaker 1>But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,

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<v Speaker 1>and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was

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<v Speaker 1>on the stand, I had to like just get off.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's when I told my mom was like, outside

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<v Speaker 1>of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's

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<v Speaker 1>been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,

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<v Speaker 1>there's a reason why he got caught. So she made

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<v Speaker 1>me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.

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<v Speaker 1>Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I

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<v Speaker 1>was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I was just like, how how am I

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<v Speaker 1>going to talk about all this because it was a very,

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<v Speaker 1>very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It

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<v Speaker 1>was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret

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<v Speaker 1>going through it because now I can talk about things

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<v Speaker 1>like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of

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<v Speaker 1>a backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's

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<v Speaker 1>what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.

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<v Speaker 1>And I submitted my application and he I've talked to

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<v Speaker 1>him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie

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<v Speaker 1>has a little bit more communication with him. And I

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<v Speaker 1>know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,

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<v Speaker 1>and I know that a lot of people have attacked

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<v Speaker 1>my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's

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<v Speaker 1>my sister. I love her, and she has all the

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<v Speaker 1>right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>think it ever happened to her. I did my best

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<v Speaker 1>to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.

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<v Speaker 1>She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, why does she talk to him? Why does

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<v Speaker 1>she want to have a relationship with him? He did

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<v Speaker 1>this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. But now I'm like, who am I to

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<v Speaker 1>take away my sister or keep that from her, or

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<v Speaker 1>take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,

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<v Speaker 1>that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just

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<v Speaker 1>feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,

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<v Speaker 1>kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.

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<v Speaker 1>There's thing wrong with her talking to my dad. And

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<v Speaker 1>I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.

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<v Speaker 1>Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your

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<v Speaker 1>mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell

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<v Speaker 1>you guys right now, I know my mother. I know

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<v Speaker 1>my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of

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<v Speaker 1>my life, and I know my mom had a very

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<v Speaker 1>forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny

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<v Speaker 1>and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,

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<v Speaker 1>my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,

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<v Speaker 1>and then when he passed. My mom is a very

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<v Speaker 1>forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,

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<v Speaker 1>and she would probably even go with me. You guys,

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<v Speaker 1>I really really feel it. But not only that. I

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<v Speaker 1>am my own person. This happened to me, and if

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<v Speaker 1>I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys

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<v Speaker 1>be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there

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<v Speaker 1>are people that have said I can't believe she just

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<v Speaker 1>forgave him and this and that. I've seen a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of little things here and there, but I don't care.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel that this is part of my healing, of

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<v Speaker 1>closing that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,

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<v Speaker 1>I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.

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<v Speaker 1>I was going through a lot then and I was

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<v Speaker 1>very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants

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<v Speaker 1>to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke

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<v Speaker 1>to him and she related the message to me, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,

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<v Speaker 1>I get it, sister, But he just says he felt

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<v Speaker 1>very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt

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<v Speaker 1>like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I was a little bit better about the situation. I

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<v Speaker 1>still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go

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<v Speaker 1>visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister

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<v Speaker 1>that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think

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<v Speaker 1>a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and

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<v Speaker 1>he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a

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<v Speaker 1>lot while being in prison. And I want to think

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<v Speaker 1>that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he

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<v Speaker 1>never has and he's never really admitted to doing it.

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<v Speaker 1>From what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him.

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<v Speaker 1>The times that I have talked to him on the phone,

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<v Speaker 1>it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>I just want to say, can I pray for you

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<v Speaker 1>before you know you walk to the altar? And I

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<v Speaker 1>said yeah and I let him, and then another time

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<v Speaker 1>just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,

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<v Speaker 1>now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I

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<v Speaker 1>want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation

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<v Speaker 1>that needs to be had in person, which is why

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for

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<v Speaker 1>my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.

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<v Speaker 1>And the last time I was out of prison was

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<v Speaker 1>freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like

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<v Speaker 1>eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.

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<v Speaker 1>And the only reason I went the first time to

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<v Speaker 1>go visit someone was because I was a witness at

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<v Speaker 1>a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss

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<v Speaker 1>be actually was getting married to someone and she wanted

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<v Speaker 1>me to be her witness, so I went and I

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<v Speaker 1>was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and

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<v Speaker 1>I both were accepted to go and visit him. I

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<v Speaker 1>know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing is,

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<v Speaker 1>is I feel bad because his mom just passed. Both

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<v Speaker 1>his parents have passed while he's been in there, and

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, I want to think that he's learned

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<v Speaker 1>a lot. From what I hear, he has learned a lot. Again,

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<v Speaker 1>Like his faith is like at the best it's ever been,

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<v Speaker 1>at the highest, And I'm not gonna lie. I have

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<v Speaker 1>thought about putting in a petition to help him come

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<v Speaker 1>out sooner, because he has a daughter, he has a wife.

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<v Speaker 1>From what I hear, his wife has been by his side,

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<v Speaker 1>and I think that's fucking admirable. I don't know, I

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<v Speaker 1>just I feel bad, you know, But I know that

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<v Speaker 1>that I can't necessarily do that yet I still have

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<v Speaker 1>to take this step in and seeing him in person

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<v Speaker 1>and see if he really does admit to what he

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<v Speaker 1>did and and apologizes. You know, that's all I really need.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't need to get into details. I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, And if this visit doesn't go that way,

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<v Speaker 1>I think that I would I just would close that

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<v Speaker 1>door and and not worry about it anymore, you know

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<v Speaker 1>what I mean, Like I'd just be like, well, if sister,

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<v Speaker 1>if you still want to have a relationship with him,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm okay with it. But if he doesn't tell me

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<v Speaker 1>what I need to hear, then there's no reason to

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<v Speaker 1>continue or to go visit him again, you know. And

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if I'm wrong for that, but that's

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<v Speaker 1>just I'm not gonna wait my time or waste his,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. I want to think that maybe he's ready

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<v Speaker 1>now more than ever that his parents are in heaven,

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<v Speaker 1>because maybe it's something he didn't want to admit to

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<v Speaker 1>out loud, because he doesn't want to hurt his family. Obviously,

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<v Speaker 1>his family thinks that it didn't happen. They think that

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<v Speaker 1>my mom put this in my head, that my mom

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<v Speaker 1>made me say it, and that's absolutely false. I remember

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<v Speaker 1>everything that happened. Unfortunately, I remember details, so no one

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<v Speaker 1>put this in my head, especially not my mom. If anything,

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<v Speaker 1>I I'm so grateful that she believed me. She never

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<v Speaker 1>questioned me. But I respect his decisions and I don't

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<v Speaker 1>I feel worried. I feel worried for him because I

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<v Speaker 1>know when this whole thing happened, you know, especially in

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<v Speaker 1>the beginning, like in jail, people do things they've freaking

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<v Speaker 1>beat them up, child abusers, you know, So I know

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<v Speaker 1>that he went through that, and it hurts me, like

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<v Speaker 1>it's not I don't want to cause him any more pain,

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<v Speaker 1>you know what I mean, Like I really don't like

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<v Speaker 1>and that's why I'm kind of scared. I was afraid

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<v Speaker 1>to talk about this because I'm like, shit, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to like open this can of worms for him,

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<v Speaker 1>like if he's already finding his peace in there, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>because I forgave him, you know, and I just want

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<v Speaker 1>people to also forgive him. And just it's no one

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<v Speaker 1>else's like business. I guess it's it's your business because

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<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying, like no

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<v Speaker 1>one should say what I should and shouldn't do. And

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<v Speaker 1>you guys or the people that are kind of like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,

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<v Speaker 1>Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,

0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:47.959
<v Speaker 1>But at the end of the day, it's like I

0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:50.840
<v Speaker 1>just don't want to hurt him or his family any

0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:52.800
<v Speaker 1>more than they've already gone through, you know, because we

0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:57.640
<v Speaker 1>all suffered. My family, his family he has suffered so

0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.240
<v Speaker 1>much because you know, he lost both his parents while

0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:02.320
<v Speaker 1>being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,

0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:04.280
<v Speaker 1>like not being able to give him a hug, and

0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:05.800
<v Speaker 1>I guess I can because I wasn't able to give

0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:07.360
<v Speaker 1>my mama hug for like two months. I guess I

0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:09.160
<v Speaker 1>get it. So it just maybe that's why it hurts

0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:11.640
<v Speaker 1>me so much. But I just wanted to share this

0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:13.920
<v Speaker 1>because I think it's so important, you guys. The power

0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:19.439
<v Speaker 1>of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves. It's

0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:21.800
<v Speaker 1>a gift that we give ourselves not to hold onto

0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:26.240
<v Speaker 1>things like that, hold on to any resentment, and it

0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:31.199
<v Speaker 1>helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and accomplish

0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:33.600
<v Speaker 1>what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to just

0:12:33.760 --> 0:12:35.480
<v Speaker 1>let go of the baggage. And I tell you guys

0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:39.320
<v Speaker 1>this all the time, and I just felt that I

0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:41.760
<v Speaker 1>wanted to express this and for you guys to help

0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:44.120
<v Speaker 1>me pray because I don't know when I'm going to

0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:47.439
<v Speaker 1>go visit him, but when it happens, now that I'm accepted,

0:12:47.600 --> 0:12:49.720
<v Speaker 1>I just want you guys to send me good wishes

0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:53.880
<v Speaker 1>and your prayers that everything goes well and may God's

0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:56.160
<v Speaker 1>will be done when it comes to that. I saw

0:12:56.200 --> 0:12:57.800
<v Speaker 1>a picture of him the other day and my sister

0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:00.360
<v Speaker 1>took a screenshot because now in jail, I have like

0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:02.559
<v Speaker 1>a way of face timing and the whole thing. It's crazy.

0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:05.160
<v Speaker 1>He even has like a phone number. It's like the

0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:07.240
<v Speaker 1>craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but my sister

0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:10.160
<v Speaker 1>sent me a screenshop when they were on a phone call.

0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:13.200
<v Speaker 1>And it's crazy how much I look like him. It's

0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.000
<v Speaker 1>freaking weird, especially because in my mind for so long

0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:19.640
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I don't have a dad. I don't

0:13:19.679 --> 0:13:21.319
<v Speaker 1>have a dad. I don't have parents, Like my mom's

0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:23.040
<v Speaker 1>not here, I don't have a dad. Like, but on

0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:25.200
<v Speaker 1>my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with, oh shit,

0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:27.800
<v Speaker 1>I do have a dad. He is alive. He's here.

0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:31.720
<v Speaker 1>Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all my siblings

0:13:31.720 --> 0:13:33.440
<v Speaker 1>and I kind of had all of that, had that

0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:36.680
<v Speaker 1>in common, where it's like, okay, we don't have parents

0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:40.160
<v Speaker 1>physically and that's kind of like it's just this weird thing.

0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:41.960
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. And then to see his gray hair

0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.600
<v Speaker 1>and his gray beard, it's just it's so crazy because

0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:48.240
<v Speaker 1>I remember him with black, black, dark hair and he

0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:51.240
<v Speaker 1>was young and hip and he's aged and it's just

0:13:51.320 --> 0:13:54.280
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. It's the craziest fucking feeling ever. I

0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:57.080
<v Speaker 1>don't know. It makes me emotional because I'm just like,

0:13:57.120 --> 0:13:58.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what the hell's gonna happen. I don't

0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:00.160
<v Speaker 1>know what I'm feel but I know it's something I

0:14:00.200 --> 0:14:02.839
<v Speaker 1>have the face, and I'm all about facing your fears.

0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:06.680
<v Speaker 1>So this is something that kind of makes me nervous.

0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:09.400
<v Speaker 1>It's nerve wracking, but I know it's going to be

0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:12.880
<v Speaker 1>really good for me, for me to move forward, to

0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:15.720
<v Speaker 1>become a parent, to get married, to just really just

0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:26.000
<v Speaker 1>really close that chapter of my life. I don't know

0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:28.920
<v Speaker 1>what's going to happen after that visit. I have really

0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:32.560
<v Speaker 1>no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown. I'm taking

0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:35.760
<v Speaker 1>a leap of faith here and now that I'm thinking

0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:39.280
<v Speaker 1>about having kids, I mean, if all goes well in

0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:44.680
<v Speaker 1>that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I don't even know.

0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:47.120
<v Speaker 1>I honestly don't even know. Like I'm like I was

0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:49.200
<v Speaker 1>about to say, if I do have kids, would I

0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:52.920
<v Speaker 1>be okay with my daughter or my son meeting him?

0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:57.880
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. Damn, that's a good question. I mean,

0:14:59.000 --> 0:15:01.240
<v Speaker 1>I guess it all just depends. It all just depends

0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:05.640
<v Speaker 1>how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive. I feel

0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:08.720
<v Speaker 1>people's vibes and I just I all would have to see.

0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:13.480
<v Speaker 1>I know that my niece, Jayla, the oldest one, wants

0:15:13.520 --> 0:15:15.760
<v Speaker 1>to meet him, and Jackie asked me, how do you

0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:17.720
<v Speaker 1>feel about that? And I said, I'm totally fine with

0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:20.040
<v Speaker 1>that if you're okay with it. So I think she's

0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:25.160
<v Speaker 1>gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean, I guess

0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:27.320
<v Speaker 1>it's something. I guess we'll have to cross that bridge

0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:29.880
<v Speaker 1>when we get there. You know. As far as my

0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:34.600
<v Speaker 1>kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in his late

0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:39.040
<v Speaker 1>fifties now and he's been in there for seventeen years,

0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:43.600
<v Speaker 1>and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be out until

0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:49.000
<v Speaker 1>twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time. And I

0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:51.920
<v Speaker 1>don't know if I'm crazy, but I just feel like, Okay,

0:15:51.960 --> 0:15:57.400
<v Speaker 1>if he already like repented, maybe you know, like he

0:15:57.440 --> 0:15:59.400
<v Speaker 1>can get out. And I don't know, like I just

0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:03.320
<v Speaker 1>feel I feel like our justice system sometimes is like

0:16:03.600 --> 0:16:05.640
<v Speaker 1>kind of twisted, and I feel like they gave him

0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:10.760
<v Speaker 1>more time because it was such a public trial. I mean,

0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:12.760
<v Speaker 1>who am I to say, right, But I've seen and

0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:14.400
<v Speaker 1>I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys, and

0:16:14.440 --> 0:16:16.320
<v Speaker 1>I watch a lot of stuff people that have murdered.

0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:19.840
<v Speaker 1>People get seven years and this and that or and

0:16:19.880 --> 0:16:21.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm just like I get it, Like I don't know.

0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:24.360
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird

0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:26.480
<v Speaker 1>because it happened to me, and yes, it was very

0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.680
<v Speaker 1>traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't

0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:31.480
<v Speaker 1>know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,

0:16:31.520 --> 0:16:33.360
<v Speaker 1>but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I

0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:36.160
<v Speaker 1>feel bad and I don't know what that means. And

0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:39.080
<v Speaker 1>I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,

0:16:40.280 --> 0:16:41.880
<v Speaker 1>or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.

0:16:42.360 --> 0:16:45.680
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,

0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:49.600
<v Speaker 1>like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that

0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:53.600
<v Speaker 1>fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we

0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:56.280
<v Speaker 1>would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk

0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:58.720
<v Speaker 1>to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.

0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.720
<v Speaker 1>You know. It was just when night came, he was

0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.639
<v Speaker 1>a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it

0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:07.480
<v Speaker 1>or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely

0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:10.520
<v Speaker 1>one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing

0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:13.760
<v Speaker 1>because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking twisted.

0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:16.800
<v Speaker 1>It's I don't know. You know. For for a long time,

0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:19.919
<v Speaker 1>I was fine with not seeing him. I was I

0:17:19.960 --> 0:17:22.159
<v Speaker 1>was okay with it. I was like kind of like, Okay,

0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:24.800
<v Speaker 1>we don't have our mom, Johnny and Janna don't have

0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:27.360
<v Speaker 1>their dad, you know. I was kind of like, this

0:17:27.440 --> 0:17:29.720
<v Speaker 1>is what it is, this is our life. But then

0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:32.200
<v Speaker 1>as my sister, I would ask her, Hey, have you

0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:34.840
<v Speaker 1>talked to Dad? Have you gone to visit him? She's

0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:36.639
<v Speaker 1>like yeah, and she would tell me stories and the

0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.840
<v Speaker 1>things that they talk about, and she's like, he's so gentle,

0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:43.239
<v Speaker 1>like the way he like, he's different, Like I don't know.

0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:45.679
<v Speaker 1>She's like, I don't remember the way he was before,

0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:48.640
<v Speaker 1>but from what I hear and what I've heard about him,

0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:53.080
<v Speaker 1>he's different. And it just kind of intrigued me, and

0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:55.360
<v Speaker 1>it made me a little curious as to like, okay, well,

0:17:55.400 --> 0:17:59.400
<v Speaker 1>ask him. I told her to ask him if he'd

0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:02.119
<v Speaker 1>be okay with me, just to see what he said.

0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:06.199
<v Speaker 1>And he said yes, that he would be very nervous

0:18:06.200 --> 0:18:09.720
<v Speaker 1>to see me, but that yes, if I'm open to it,

0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:11.480
<v Speaker 1>then he would be as well. So that's kind of

0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:14.080
<v Speaker 1>how it happened. And then I just sat on it

0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:17.320
<v Speaker 1>for a while, and I was kind of like on

0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:21.200
<v Speaker 1>the fence about it, and then little by little reading

0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:26.560
<v Speaker 1>books and reading stories about other people that have gone

0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:29.600
<v Speaker 1>through what I've gone through through sexual abuse and how

0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:33.960
<v Speaker 1>they when they confronted their abuser, how liberating it was,

0:18:34.119 --> 0:18:36.440
<v Speaker 1>and how healing it was. So here I am feeling

0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:39.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay, imagine if I face

0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:43.720
<v Speaker 1>this and I stop ignoring it, what it can do

0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:46.600
<v Speaker 1>in my life, especially if I want to have kids,

0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:48.359
<v Speaker 1>you know, and I want to become a mother, Like

0:18:48.400 --> 0:18:53.240
<v Speaker 1>I I want to be able to tell my child, hey,

0:18:53.320 --> 0:18:56.480
<v Speaker 1>I did this. It's like something that's brewing within me.

0:18:56.560 --> 0:18:59.840
<v Speaker 1>That's just like I have to just let it out

0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:02.080
<v Speaker 1>sort of thing, you know. I have to go visit him.

0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:03.960
<v Speaker 1>I have to go visit him and see where he's

0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:06.400
<v Speaker 1>at mentally, and we'll go from there. But I did

0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:08.720
<v Speaker 1>feel the need to share this with you guys and

0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:11.760
<v Speaker 1>express these things, because again, this is my podcast, is

0:19:11.800 --> 0:19:14.440
<v Speaker 1>where I feel safe and I love having these one

0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:19.879
<v Speaker 1>on one conversations just me the micing you guys, you know.

0:19:21.000 --> 0:19:23.000
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I know, I know it's gonna be a

0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:28.160
<v Speaker 1>little weird for people, but I do feel ninety five

0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.879
<v Speaker 1>percent healed from this, and this five percent that's missing

0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:35.280
<v Speaker 1>is just having this conversation with him and seeing where

0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:37.479
<v Speaker 1>he is, where his headspace is, where his heart is,

0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:42.560
<v Speaker 1>and we'll see. All right. Well, this was a heavy one,

0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:46.720
<v Speaker 1>but like always, I thank you guys for listening, for

0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:50.480
<v Speaker 1>tuning in to Cheese and Chill. I am very grateful

0:19:50.640 --> 0:19:53.200
<v Speaker 1>to have this space. I'm grateful for you guys, each

0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:55.399
<v Speaker 1>and every single one of you. Guys, Tell your friends

0:19:55.400 --> 0:19:58.960
<v Speaker 1>about the podcast. Okay, spread the word, spread the love,

0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:02.000
<v Speaker 1>spread the wisdom. I love you guys so much, and

0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:03.960
<v Speaker 1>I will catch you here on the next episode of

0:20:04.000 --> 0:20:07.960
<v Speaker 1>Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all right Okay, bessos.

0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:16.440
<v Speaker 1>This is a production of iHeartRadio and Miketura podcast Network.

0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:20.480
<v Speaker 1>Follow us on Instagram at Mike Pintura Podcasts and follow

0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:23.960
<v Speaker 1>me Cheeky's That's c h i q U y s.

0:20:24.440 --> 0:20:28.800
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