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Speaker 1: What's Cracking. Guys, Welcome back to the Cheese and Chill Podcast.

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Speaker 1: I hope that you guys are having an amazing day,

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Speaker 1: an amazing week. I had a great weekend. Actually, I'm

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Speaker 1: very happy. I feel very good. I haven't felt this

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Speaker 1: good in a while. A lot has happened in the

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Speaker 1: past couple of months, but I feel good, So I'm happy.

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Speaker 1: I am a little nervous about this episode though. This

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Speaker 1: is something I've been wanting to talk about for a

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Speaker 1: while and I wanted to share with you guys. So

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Speaker 1: here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about

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Speaker 1: my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted

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Speaker 1: to share it because I truly believe that this can

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Speaker 1: heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness.

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Speaker 1: I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's

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Speaker 1: something that I stand by, and I have decided that

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Speaker 1: I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let

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Speaker 1: me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If

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Speaker 1: you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys

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Speaker 1: haven't read my books, you don't know too much about

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Speaker 1: my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison,

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Speaker 1: it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty

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Speaker 1: one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's

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Speaker 1: in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested

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Speaker 1: me when I was eight years old. It was from that,

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Speaker 1: I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on

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Speaker 1: the run for ten years, and in two thousand and

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Speaker 1: seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six.

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Speaker 1: Then we went to court. We were on trial for

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Speaker 1: a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he

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Speaker 1: was found out of nine counts. I believe from I

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Speaker 1: think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire

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Speaker 1: year of having to go to court and talk about

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Speaker 1: everything that happened in front of my mom, in front

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Speaker 1: of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front

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Speaker 1: of my then fiance because I was also engaged a

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Speaker 1: long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,

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Speaker 1: It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad

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Speaker 1: in ten years because he, you know, was on the

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Speaker 1: run since I was twelve years old, So having to

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Speaker 1: relive all of that was very hard. And then also

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify

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Speaker 1: because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I

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Speaker 1: want to say, around twenty five or something like that.

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Speaker 1: She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I

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Speaker 1: don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had

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Speaker 1: a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt

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Speaker 1: his life. But then my mom made me understand that

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Speaker 1: it's something I had to do, that justice had to

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Speaker 1: be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out

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Speaker 1: of my hands, you know. And she said, through you

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Speaker 1: telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.

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Speaker 1: So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go on there because it was hard.

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Speaker 1: I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking

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Speaker 1: horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened.

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Speaker 1: But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you,

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Speaker 1: and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was

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Speaker 1: on the stand, I had to like just get off.

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Speaker 1: And that's when I told my mom was like, outside

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Speaker 1: of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's

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Speaker 1: been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no,

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Speaker 1: there's a reason why he got caught. So she made

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Speaker 1: me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing.

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Speaker 1: Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I

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Speaker 1: was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera,

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Speaker 1: and so I was just like, how how am I

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Speaker 1: going to talk about all this because it was a very,

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Speaker 1: very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It

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Speaker 1: was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret

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Speaker 1: going through it because now I can talk about things

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Speaker 1: like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of

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Speaker 1: a backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's

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Speaker 1: what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him.

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Speaker 1: And I submitted my application and he I've talked to

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Speaker 1: him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie

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Speaker 1: has a little bit more communication with him. And I

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Speaker 1: know a lot of people have opinions about this topic,

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Speaker 1: and I know that a lot of people have attacked

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Speaker 1: my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's

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Speaker 1: my sister. I love her, and she has all the

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Speaker 1: right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't

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Speaker 1: think it ever happened to her. I did my best

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Speaker 1: to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her.

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Speaker 1: She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I

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Speaker 1: was like, why does she talk to him? Why does

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Speaker 1: she want to have a relationship with him? He did

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Speaker 1: this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now,

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Speaker 1: I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith,

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Speaker 1: you know. But now I'm like, who am I to

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Speaker 1: take away my sister or keep that from her, or

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Speaker 1: take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her,

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Speaker 1: that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and

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Speaker 1: I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just

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Speaker 1: feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect,

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Speaker 1: kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone.

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Speaker 1: There's thing wrong with her talking to my dad. And

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Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are gonna attack me.

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Speaker 1: Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your

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Speaker 1: mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell

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Speaker 1: you guys right now, I know my mother. I know

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Speaker 1: my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of

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Speaker 1: my life, and I know my mom had a very

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Speaker 1: forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny

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Speaker 1: and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive,

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Speaker 1: my mom was at his bedside when he was passing,

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Speaker 1: and then when he passed. My mom is a very

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Speaker 1: forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay,

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Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, she would respect me,

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Speaker 1: and she would probably even go with me. You guys,

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Speaker 1: I really really feel it. But not only that. I

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Speaker 1: am my own person. This happened to me, and if

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Speaker 1: I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys

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Speaker 1: be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there

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Speaker 1: are people that have said I can't believe she just

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Speaker 1: forgave him and this and that. I've seen a lot

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Speaker 1: of little things here and there, but I don't care.

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Speaker 1: I feel that this is part of my healing, of

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Speaker 1: closing that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely,

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Speaker 1: and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,

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Speaker 1: I was upset again. I was in a very bad place.

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Speaker 1: I was going through a lot then and I was

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Speaker 1: very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants

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Speaker 1: to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke

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Speaker 1: to him and she related the message to me, you know,

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Speaker 1: because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no,

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Speaker 1: I get it, sister, But he just says he felt

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Speaker 1: very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.

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Speaker 1: I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt

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Speaker 1: like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I was a little bit better about the situation. I

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Speaker 1: still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go

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Speaker 1: visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister

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Speaker 1: that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think

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Speaker 1: a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and

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Speaker 1: he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a

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Speaker 1: lot while being in prison. And I want to think

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Speaker 1: that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he

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Speaker 1: never has and he's never really admitted to doing it.

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Speaker 1: From what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him.

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Speaker 1: The times that I have talked to him on the phone,

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Speaker 1: it was when I was getting married he just said, hey,

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Speaker 1: I just want to say, can I pray for you

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Speaker 1: before you know you walk to the altar? And I

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Speaker 1: said yeah and I let him, and then another time

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Speaker 1: just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad,

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Speaker 1: now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I

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Speaker 1: want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation

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Speaker 1: that needs to be had in person, which is why

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Speaker 1: I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for

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Speaker 1: my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me.

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Speaker 1: And the last time I was out of prison was

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Speaker 1: freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like

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Speaker 1: eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.

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Speaker 1: And the only reason I went the first time to

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Speaker 1: go visit someone was because I was a witness at

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Speaker 1: a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss

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Speaker 1: be actually was getting married to someone and she wanted

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Speaker 1: me to be her witness, so I went and I

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Speaker 1: was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and

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Speaker 1: I both were accepted to go and visit him. I

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Speaker 1: know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing is,

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Speaker 1: is I feel bad because his mom just passed. Both

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Speaker 1: his parents have passed while he's been in there, and

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Speaker 1: I don't know, I want to think that he's learned

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Speaker 1: a lot. From what I hear, he has learned a lot. Again,

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Speaker 1: Like his faith is like at the best it's ever been,

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Speaker 1: at the highest, And I'm not gonna lie. I have

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Speaker 1: thought about putting in a petition to help him come

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Speaker 1: out sooner, because he has a daughter, he has a wife.

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Speaker 1: From what I hear, his wife has been by his side,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's fucking admirable. I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: just I feel bad, you know, But I know that

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Speaker 1: that I can't necessarily do that yet I still have

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Speaker 1: to take this step in and seeing him in person

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Speaker 1: and see if he really does admit to what he

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Speaker 1: did and and apologizes. You know, that's all I really need.

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Speaker 1: I don't need to get into details. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I mean, And if this visit doesn't go that way,

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Speaker 1: I think that I would I just would close that

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Speaker 1: door and and not worry about it anymore, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean, Like I'd just be like, well, if sister,

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Speaker 1: if you still want to have a relationship with him,

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Speaker 1: I'm okay with it. But if he doesn't tell me

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Speaker 1: what I need to hear, then there's no reason to

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Speaker 1: continue or to go visit him again, you know. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm wrong for that, but that's

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Speaker 1: just I'm not gonna wait my time or waste his,

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Speaker 1: you know. I want to think that maybe he's ready

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Speaker 1: now more than ever that his parents are in heaven,

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Speaker 1: because maybe it's something he didn't want to admit to

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Speaker 1: out loud, because he doesn't want to hurt his family. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: his family thinks that it didn't happen. They think that

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Speaker 1: my mom put this in my head, that my mom

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Speaker 1: made me say it, and that's absolutely false. I remember

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Speaker 1: everything that happened. Unfortunately, I remember details, so no one

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Speaker 1: put this in my head, especially not my mom. If anything,

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Speaker 1: I I'm so grateful that she believed me. She never

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Speaker 1: questioned me. But I respect his decisions and I don't

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Speaker 1: I feel worried. I feel worried for him because I

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Speaker 1: know when this whole thing happened, you know, especially in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, like in jail, people do things they've freaking

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Speaker 1: beat them up, child abusers, you know, So I know

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Speaker 1: that he went through that, and it hurts me, like

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Speaker 1: it's not I don't want to cause him any more pain,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like I really don't like

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Speaker 1: and that's why I'm kind of scared. I was afraid

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Speaker 1: to talk about this because I'm like, shit, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to like open this can of worms for him,

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Speaker 1: like if he's already finding his peace in there, you know,

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Speaker 1: because I forgave him, you know, and I just want

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Speaker 1: people to also forgive him. And just it's no one

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Speaker 1: else's like business. I guess it's it's your business because

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying, like no

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Speaker 1: one should say what I should and shouldn't do. And

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Speaker 1: you guys or the people that are kind of like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong,

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Speaker 1: Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes,

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Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, it's like I

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Speaker 1: just don't want to hurt him or his family any

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Speaker 1: more than they've already gone through, you know, because we

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Speaker 1: all suffered. My family, his family he has suffered so

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Speaker 1: much because you know, he lost both his parents while

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Speaker 1: being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know,

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Speaker 1: like not being able to give him a hug, and

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Speaker 1: I guess I can because I wasn't able to give

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Speaker 1: my mama hug for like two months. I guess I

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Speaker 1: get it. So it just maybe that's why it hurts

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Speaker 1: me so much. But I just wanted to share this

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Speaker 1: because I think it's so important, you guys. The power

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Speaker 1: of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves. It's

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Speaker 1: a gift that we give ourselves not to hold onto

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Speaker 1: things like that, hold on to any resentment, and it

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Speaker 1: helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and accomplish

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Speaker 1: what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to just

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Speaker 1: let go of the baggage. And I tell you guys

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Speaker 1: this all the time, and I just felt that I

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Speaker 1: wanted to express this and for you guys to help

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Speaker 1: me pray because I don't know when I'm going to

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Speaker 1: go visit him, but when it happens, now that I'm accepted,

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Speaker 1: I just want you guys to send me good wishes

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Speaker 1: and your prayers that everything goes well and may God's

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Speaker 1: will be done when it comes to that. I saw

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Speaker 1: a picture of him the other day and my sister

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Speaker 1: took a screenshot because now in jail, I have like

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Speaker 1: a way of face timing and the whole thing. It's crazy.

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Speaker 1: He even has like a phone number. It's like the

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Speaker 1: craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but my sister

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Speaker 1: sent me a screenshop when they were on a phone call.

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Speaker 1: And it's crazy how much I look like him. It's

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Speaker 1: freaking weird, especially because in my mind for so long

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't have a dad. I don't

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Speaker 1: have a dad. I don't have parents, Like my mom's

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Speaker 1: not here, I don't have a dad. Like, but on

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Speaker 1: my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with, oh shit,

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Speaker 1: I do have a dad. He is alive. He's here.

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Speaker 1: Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all my siblings

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Speaker 1: and I kind of had all of that, had that

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Speaker 1: in common, where it's like, okay, we don't have parents

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Speaker 1: physically and that's kind of like it's just this weird thing.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. And then to see his gray hair

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Speaker 1: and his gray beard, it's just it's so crazy because

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Speaker 1: I remember him with black, black, dark hair and he

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Speaker 1: was young and hip and he's aged and it's just

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Speaker 1: I don't know. It's the craziest fucking feeling ever. I

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Speaker 1: don't know. It makes me emotional because I'm just like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what the hell's gonna happen. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what I'm feel but I know it's something I

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Speaker 1: have the face, and I'm all about facing your fears.

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Speaker 1: So this is something that kind of makes me nervous.

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Speaker 1: It's nerve wracking, but I know it's going to be

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Speaker 1: really good for me, for me to move forward, to

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Speaker 1: become a parent, to get married, to just really just

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Speaker 1: really close that chapter of my life. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what's going to happen after that visit. I have really

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Speaker 1: no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown. I'm taking

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Speaker 1: a leap of faith here and now that I'm thinking

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Speaker 1: about having kids, I mean, if all goes well in

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Speaker 1: that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I don't even know.

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Speaker 1: I honestly don't even know. Like I'm like I was

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Speaker 1: about to say, if I do have kids, would I

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Speaker 1: be okay with my daughter or my son meeting him?

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Damn, that's a good question. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess it all just depends. It all just depends

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Speaker 1: how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive. I feel

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Speaker 1: people's vibes and I just I all would have to see.

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Speaker 1: I know that my niece, Jayla, the oldest one, wants

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Speaker 1: to meet him, and Jackie asked me, how do you

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Speaker 1: feel about that? And I said, I'm totally fine with

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Speaker 1: that if you're okay with it. So I think she's

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Speaker 1: gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean, I guess

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Speaker 1: it's something. I guess we'll have to cross that bridge

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Speaker 1: when we get there. You know. As far as my

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Speaker 1: kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in his late

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Speaker 1: fifties now and he's been in there for seventeen years,

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Speaker 1: and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be out until

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Speaker 1: twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time. And I

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Speaker 1: don't know if I'm crazy, but I just feel like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: if he already like repented, maybe you know, like he

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Speaker 1: can get out. And I don't know, like I just

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Speaker 1: feel I feel like our justice system sometimes is like

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Speaker 1: kind of twisted, and I feel like they gave him

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Speaker 1: more time because it was such a public trial. I mean,

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Speaker 1: who am I to say, right, But I've seen and

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Speaker 1: I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys, and

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Speaker 1: I watch a lot of stuff people that have murdered.

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Speaker 1: People get seven years and this and that or and

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Speaker 1: I'm just like I get it, Like I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird

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Speaker 1: because it happened to me, and yes, it was very

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Speaker 1: traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it's because I'm healed or what it is,

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Speaker 1: but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I

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Speaker 1: feel bad and I don't know what that means. And

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Speaker 1: I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy,

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Speaker 1: or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this,

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Speaker 1: like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that

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Speaker 1: fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we

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Speaker 1: would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk

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Speaker 1: to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt.

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Speaker 1: You know. It was just when night came, he was

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Speaker 1: a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it

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Speaker 1: or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing

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Speaker 1: because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking twisted.

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Speaker 1: It's I don't know. You know. For for a long time,

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Speaker 1: I was fine with not seeing him. I was I

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Speaker 1: was okay with it. I was like kind of like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: we don't have our mom, Johnny and Janna don't have

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Speaker 1: their dad, you know. I was kind of like, this

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Speaker 1: is what it is, this is our life. But then

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Speaker 1: as my sister, I would ask her, Hey, have you

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Speaker 1: talked to Dad? Have you gone to visit him? She's

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Speaker 1: like yeah, and she would tell me stories and the

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Speaker 1: things that they talk about, and she's like, he's so gentle,

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Speaker 1: like the way he like, he's different, Like I don't know.

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Speaker 1: She's like, I don't remember the way he was before,

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Speaker 1: but from what I hear and what I've heard about him,

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Speaker 1: he's different. And it just kind of intrigued me, and

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Speaker 1: it made me a little curious as to like, okay, well,

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Speaker 1: ask him. I told her to ask him if he'd

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Speaker 1: be okay with me, just to see what he said.

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Speaker 1: And he said yes, that he would be very nervous

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Speaker 1: to see me, but that yes, if I'm open to it,

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Speaker 1: then he would be as well. So that's kind of

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Speaker 1: how it happened. And then I just sat on it

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Speaker 1: for a while, and I was kind of like on

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Speaker 1: the fence about it, and then little by little reading

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Speaker 1: books and reading stories about other people that have gone

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Speaker 1: through what I've gone through through sexual abuse and how

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Speaker 1: they when they confronted their abuser, how liberating it was,

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Speaker 1: and how healing it was. So here I am feeling

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Speaker 1: I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay, imagine if I face

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Speaker 1: this and I stop ignoring it, what it can do

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Speaker 1: in my life, especially if I want to have kids,

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Speaker 1: you know, and I want to become a mother, Like

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Speaker 1: I I want to be able to tell my child, hey,

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Speaker 1: I did this. It's like something that's brewing within me.

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Speaker 1: That's just like I have to just let it out

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Speaker 1: sort of thing, you know. I have to go visit him.

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Speaker 1: I have to go visit him and see where he's

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Speaker 1: at mentally, and we'll go from there. But I did

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Speaker 1: feel the need to share this with you guys and

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Speaker 1: express these things, because again, this is my podcast, is

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Speaker 1: where I feel safe and I love having these one

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Speaker 1: on one conversations just me the micing you guys, you know.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I know, I know it's gonna be a

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Speaker 1: little weird for people, but I do feel ninety five

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Speaker 1: percent healed from this, and this five percent that's missing

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Speaker 1: is just having this conversation with him and seeing where

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Speaker 1: he is, where his headspace is, where his heart is,

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Speaker 1: and we'll see. All right. Well, this was a heavy one,

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Speaker 1: but like always, I thank you guys for listening, for

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Speaker 1: tuning in to Cheese and Chill. I am very grateful

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Speaker 1: to have this space. I'm grateful for you guys, each

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Speaker 1: and every single one of you. Guys, Tell your friends

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Speaker 1: about the podcast. Okay, spread the word, spread the love,

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Speaker 1: spread the wisdom. I love you guys so much, and

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Speaker 1: I will catch you here on the next episode of

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Speaker 1: Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all right Okay, bessos.

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Speaker 1: This is a production of iHeartRadio and Miketura podcast Network.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at Mike Pintura Podcasts and follow

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Speaker 1: me Cheeky's That's c h i q U y s.

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Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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