WEBVTT - Feeling Unsupported, Misunderstood, or Doubted? You Are Not Alone! (THIS 7-Step Method Will Help Silence the Self Doubt And Build REAL Confidence) 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:06.800 People don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless, 0:00:07.320 --> 0:00:12.400 they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real. 0:00:13.280 --> 0:00:16.560 People don't want the highlight reel, they want the human 0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:23.079 behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. People 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:26.760 don't want someone who has it all together, they want 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:32.120 someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress, 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:37.600 but vulnerability connects. The number one health and wellness podcast 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:45.879 Jay Sety, Jay sheddyet Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome 0:00:46.000 --> 0:00:49.919 back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:53.680 to do when no one believes in you or supports you. 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:57.720 The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am 0:00:57.760 --> 0:01:00.440 in the world, when I'm traveling, when i'm me people, 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:04.080 when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, Jay, 0:01:04.120 --> 0:01:06.600 the people around me don't believe in me. The people 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.560 around me don't support me, the people around me don't 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:13.880 encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company, 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:16.959 if I start my podcast, if I write my book, 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:20.520 if I build my business, the people around me are 0:01:20.520 --> 0:01:23.760 going to tear it down before I even have the 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:26.679 chance to build it up. And a lot of us 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:31.319 are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt 0:01:31.319 --> 0:01:36.080 disconnected from your community, maybe you've felt isolated. Will you think, 0:01:36.200 --> 0:01:38.520 why does no one help me? Why does no one 0:01:38.560 --> 0:01:41.560 believe in me? Why does no one support me? If 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:45.240 you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:49.200 with that self belief, that self doubt, this episode is 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:52.840 for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to say, 0:01:53.560 --> 0:02:00.240 Stop seeking support, start creating proof. The science says we 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:06.480 experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We 0:02:06.640 --> 0:02:11.160 overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us. 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:17.760 Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:22.040 we act, but in reality, people often believe in you 0:02:22.840 --> 0:02:27.880 after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this, 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:32.160 You're at a party. You say something you think is 0:02:32.280 --> 0:02:38.680 obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs, 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:45.359 no one's impressed. You're confused. You thought everyone would get 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:49.080 the joke because in your head it was obvious, it 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:55.160 made sense, it was normal that moment, that awkward silence. 0:02:56.000 --> 0:03:00.040 That's the false consensus effect in action. The false this 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:03.920 consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:08.120 other people think the way we do because our opinions 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:13.760 feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words, 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:19.840 if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler, 0:03:20.320 --> 0:03:25.000 they don't, and science proves it. The science says. This 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:29.720 term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:34.200 Andrew House in the late nineteen seventies. In one famous study, 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:38.160 they gave people a tough moral choice, then ask them 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:42.200 to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their 0:03:42.320 --> 0:03:46.560 choice was the majority option, but when the results came in, 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:52.000 the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:55.520 as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter? 0:03:56.400 --> 0:04:01.960 This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new. 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:07.400 You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:11.600 get it. You think people will obviously support you, but 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:15.200 they don't. You expect everyone to see what you see, 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:20.200 but they're not. In your head. The problem isn't your idea, 0:04:21.000 --> 0:04:25.120 it's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:31.320 someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:35.720 because it's clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others, 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:40.240 and that's not a flaw. It's a reminder you're early, 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:45.560 you're unique, You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:52.560 of expecting everyone to agree, get curious, ask more, listen better, 0:04:53.040 --> 0:04:57.720 explain smarter, and when people don't get it, don't panic. 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:02.760 That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original. 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:08.120 Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:13.120 your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot, 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:19.200 a mock up. Stop pitching, start proving. Don't try to 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:24.520 convince people. Show them what they didn't expect to see. 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:29.440 Don't try to impress people. Show yourself you can do it. 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:34.480 Don't explain your vision to people. Committed to small thinking, 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:40.120 protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:45.400 to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable. 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:50.240 Don't wait to be believed in. Become the reason they 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:56.359 rethink what's possible. We have to start, We have to begin, 0:05:57.560 --> 0:06:01.279 We have to get going. People won't believe in you 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:05.320 before you start. They might not even believe in you 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:09.640 after you start. They might not even believe in you 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:15.960 when you win and succeed. Just start, just get going, 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:21.400 just move. If you wait for people to believe in 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:26.880 you before you start. You could wait forever. If you 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:32.680 wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever. 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:37.279 And if you want someone to think you're going to 0:06:37.320 --> 0:06:42.719 do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever. 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:48.440 Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving. 0:06:49.320 --> 0:06:52.760 Make that change, make that shift, and notice how your 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:56.880 life changes. The second thing you have to understand is 0:06:56.960 --> 0:07:04.240 rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:10.360 people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities, 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:16.080 or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:21.720 nothing to do with your idea, your potential, and everything 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.160 to do with their past and their issues. The reason 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:30.640 someone says no to you is more likely that someone 0:07:30.720 --> 0:07:35.560 said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:43.520 is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:46.960 think you're going to make it is because they didn't 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:52.240 have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:58.600 a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:05.680 of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:11.120 for your future. You don't have to do that and recognize. 0:08:11.720 --> 0:08:14.080 Maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:17.840 and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:21.680 at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an 0:08:21.720 --> 0:08:25.440 idea and someone told them not to do it. They're 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:31.120 simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you. We 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:35.920 don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:42.360 time someone doubts you, don't internalize it, ask yourself, is 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:47.840 this about me? Or about what they've told themselves. People 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:53.320 will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:59.160 break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:02.839 let people who have haven't done it create doubts for you. 0:09:04.240 --> 0:09:08.880 Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want. 0:09:09.559 --> 0:09:16.000 Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:22.120 from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad, 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:27.040 they're just trying to protect you. But don't project that 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:31.320 fear onto yourself. A lot of the times when I've 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:35.160 shared risks I wanted to take and had family members 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:37.280 or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen, 0:09:37.920 --> 0:09:40.240 I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:42.760 remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially 0:09:42.800 --> 0:09:46.480 pursue some postgraduate study. And everyone around me said, Jay, well, 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:47.960 how will you pay your bills, how will you pay 0:09:47.960 --> 0:09:50.560 for your wedding? How will you take care of your future? 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:54.480 Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:59.520 were just reminders that they valued those things. They were 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:04.720 showing they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability. 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:09.360 And those are not bad values. People are not being mean, 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:14.439 they're simply sharing what they care about, and it's your 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:17.400 job to decide whether you care about those things or 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:21.880 whether you don't. Sarah Blakeley, the founder of Spanks, didn't 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:24.880 tell her family about what she was building because she 0:10:25.040 --> 0:10:28.199 didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd 0:10:28.240 --> 0:10:30.760 encourage you to do as well. Too many of us 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:35.240 share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:38.040 to get around us. We want the validation and the approval. 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:40.760 And what does that do? It does two things. The 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:45.400 first is it opens you up to lots of feedback 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:49.880 from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business, 0:10:50.200 --> 0:10:55.040 or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:59.079 emotional baggage. That was your choice. And the second thing 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:02.720 is whether they support you or not. You've taken energy 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:06.559 away from the decision. I learned something really important when 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:10.319 I was in the monastery that if you share something 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.520 before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it, 0:11:14.440 --> 0:11:17.400 you've taken away fifty percent of the energy from that 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:21.560 idea because you have searched for validation and approval before 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:25.400 you've even put in the work. Put in the work first. 0:11:26.520 --> 0:11:30.160 Don't look for approval before you've put in the work. 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:34.760 Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work, 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:40.240 because chances are you won't get it both times. Get 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:43.800 it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:48.280 capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:54.360 for you. Number three, Use doubt as a focus filter. 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:59.480 According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of 0:11:59.520 --> 0:12:05.319 pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive. See this 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:09.800 is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger, 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:15.200 but actually resistance can make us sharper. Use the no 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:19.640 as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today. 0:12:20.200 --> 0:12:24.800 List every reason people said your idea won't work and 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:31.120 build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist. 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:37.680 Doubt doesn't mean stop. It means refined. Doubt doesn't mean 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:43.160 give up. It means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:49.200 the end. It means start again. Support doesn't always make 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:57.960 you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier. 0:12:59.320 --> 0:13:07.240 Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:12.920 what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:18.600 you to keep going without applause. Support says I believe 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:25.240 in you. Resistance says prove it to yourself. Support can 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:32.120 carry you, but resistance it builds your muscle. Don't resent 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:37.840 the resistance, use it. Let it shape your focus, sharpen 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:41.640 your edge, and remind you if you can do it 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:46.320 without the noise, you're ready for the stage. When we're waiting, 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:48.600 and I see this happen to so many people when 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:52.040 I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage. 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:55.440 We're waiting for the invite in order to be our 0:13:55.480 --> 0:13:59.280 best self, not realizing that when we become our best self, 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:02.680 we get invited onto the stage. By the way I 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:05.080 remember this, I did the same thing to myself for years. 0:14:05.080 --> 0:14:08.600 I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:11.840 and then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.760 speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:21.160 in right now, speaking to empty rooms, no one there, 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:24.640 just four walls, and I would practice my speech as 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:28.760 if it was full of one hundred people. And now 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.600 when I have the fortune of being live at the 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:36.840 Greek Theater with five thousand people, doing an event recently 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:39.920 at the theater at MSG with five thousand of view 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:43.920 as well, I often think back to that moment when 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:46.360 there were zero to five people in a room, and 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:50.880 the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty 0:14:50.960 --> 0:14:54.040 much the same. What I mean by that is, if 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:57.960 you're sad that only ten people watched your video, switch 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:01.840 it to ten people watched my video. If you're sad 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:04.600 that you've got one hundred views, think about that for 0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:07.480 a second. When have you ever had one hundred people 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.680 turn up to hear you speak. If you're not happy 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:13.920 that you only have ten thousand followers, ask yourself, have 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:16.920 you ever even seen ten thousand people in one place 0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:20.359 show up for you. It's when we become grateful, thoughtful, 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:24.640 and focused on the growth that we've already made that 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:29.120 we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:35.320 climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:39.480 up and ahead, and the other is looking down and behind. 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:43.440 You look down to see how far you've come, and 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:46.400 you look up to see how far you have left 0:15:46.440 --> 0:15:50.680 to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:54.320 look down as to how far you've come, you get 0:15:54.440 --> 0:15:58.280 energy to move forward, and when you look at how 0:15:58.320 --> 0:16:01.320 far you have left to go, you feel grounded and 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:06.440 humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:11.600 feel discouraged, and if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant. 0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:16.440 Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin. 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.480 They'll keep you trapped in stuck and not help you 0:16:20.560 --> 0:16:26.760 move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof. 0:16:27.640 --> 0:16:32.920 Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey. 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:36.680 This next part is so important, but first I just 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:41.480 want to take a second to thank our sponsors. Thanks 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:44.920 for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Number four. 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:52.280 Build a belief battery from strangers. The Ben Franklin effect 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:57.000 shows that when we engage with others in small, reciprocal ways, 0:16:57.720 --> 0:17:03.880 trust builds faster, even among strangers. It's really surprising your 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:08.640 biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact, 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:13.280 research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new 0:17:13.320 --> 0:17:17.639 ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:22.879 Adam Grant's research. Imagine this. You post your new business idea, podcast, 0:17:23.000 --> 0:17:27.679 or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:33.320 and family will hype it up. Instead silence, no comment 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:37.359 from your cousin, no reshare from your closest friend, not 0:17:37.480 --> 0:17:41.680 even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then someone you've 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:46.080 never met dms you this is exactly what I needed. 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:51.399 Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth. 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:56.359 The people closest to you aren't always the ones most 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:02.400 likely to support your growth. People closest to you are 0:18:02.440 --> 0:18:06.520 not the most likely to believe in you. The people 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:10.480 closest to you are not the first to cheer for you. 0:18:11.440 --> 0:18:15.199 Because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know, 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:21.040 that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:25.680 remind you that what you're doing matters. According to organizational 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:30.520 psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:35.199 ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:39.359 to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. You're inner 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:44.520 circle knows you're before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts, 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:49.600 your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:54.080 it to who you used to be. It's called identity anchoring. 0:18:54.680 --> 0:19:00.200 They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh, 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:04.680 that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through. 0:19:05.600 --> 0:19:08.200 Or they look at you and say that's not like you, 0:19:08.880 --> 0:19:13.160 or since when are you a podcaster. They don't mean 0:19:13.200 --> 0:19:16.800 to limit you, but their memory of your past gets 0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:20.920 in the way of their belief in your future. Their 0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:25.360 memory of your past gets in the way of their 0:19:25.440 --> 0:19:29.920 belief in your future. But you don't have to let 0:19:29.960 --> 0:19:34.040 that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie 0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:37.320 The Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:41.480 of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the 0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:44.119 powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are 0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:47.480 on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a 0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:51.879 table at a members club sharing his new business idea 0:19:52.320 --> 0:19:56.040 that is the franchise model for McDonald's, and all of 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:59.680 his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about 0:19:59.720 --> 0:20:03.560 so many any businesses and failed and they list them off. 0:20:04.240 --> 0:20:08.359 Ray knows this is different, He feels it's different, but 0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:11.600 he can't convince them. He has to show it, He 0:20:11.640 --> 0:20:13.880 has to prove it. He has to go and do 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:18.800 it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:22.520 meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated. 0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:26.040 They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog, 0:20:26.119 --> 0:20:29.680 or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message, 0:20:29.720 --> 0:20:33.080 your energy as it is, not as it was, and 0:20:33.119 --> 0:20:36.440 that gives them the clarity to say this deserves a shot. 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:41.280 So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:45.119 come from the people you expected. Be proud you showed 0:20:45.200 --> 0:20:49.160 up anyway, and remember your audience might not come from 0:20:49.160 --> 0:20:53.560 your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building. 0:20:54.080 --> 0:20:58.520 Let strangers become supporters, let your results, rewrite your story, 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:02.080 and let the people who used to know you catch up. 0:21:02.480 --> 0:21:05.639 Because often the people who will believe in your next 0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:10.359 chapter haven't met you yet. So try this today. Find 0:21:10.560 --> 0:21:14.800 three people online doing what you want to do, comment, 0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:20.640 share message, start building belief outside your circle. If your 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:24.960 people don't see it yet. Find the ones who already 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:29.720 live it. Step number five, create before you're confident. This 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:35.240 is the most important step. You don't become confident before 0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:39.959 you start. You don't become confident before you try. You 0:21:40.000 --> 0:21:44.320 don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident 0:21:44.760 --> 0:21:48.520 before you do the thing. The science shows this too, 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:54.480 It's called the competence confidence loop. The competence confidence loop 0:21:54.840 --> 0:21:59.080 shows that action builds belief, not the other way around. 0:22:00.160 --> 0:22:04.560 Wait to feel ready. But confidence is a result of experience, 0:22:05.119 --> 0:22:10.720 not a requirement to begin. Choose one microaction that represents 0:22:10.760 --> 0:22:14.560 your idea, launch the first draft, post the first video, 0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:22.119 off of the first service. Confidence doesn't come first, commitment does. Now, 0:22:22.160 --> 0:22:25.359 here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been 0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:29.800 sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll start. 0:22:30.320 --> 0:22:35.320 But here's what psychology proves that mindset is backwards. According 0:22:35.400 --> 0:22:39.560 to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of self 0:22:39.600 --> 0:22:45.760 efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action, it comes because 0:22:45.800 --> 0:22:49.000 of it. Now, what does it mean? When you take action, 0:22:49.440 --> 0:22:53.879 especially on something new, you build competence, a sense of 0:22:53.960 --> 0:22:58.880 I can do this. That competence creates evidence, and your 0:22:58.920 --> 0:23:02.880 brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:08.000 you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing, 0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:12.359 you're training your belief that you can. We wait for 0:23:12.440 --> 0:23:16.440 confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more 0:23:16.520 --> 0:23:20.240 like a side effect of showing up. People think public 0:23:20.280 --> 0:23:24.159 speakers are born confident. Nope, most of them were just 0:23:24.240 --> 0:23:28.160 the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They 0:23:28.240 --> 0:23:33.880 earned it through reps, not readiness. Bandura's research shows that 0:23:33.920 --> 0:23:38.320 self efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases 0:23:38.880 --> 0:23:43.440 when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences. 0:23:44.359 --> 0:23:49.720 It also increases when you see others succeed vicarious experiences. 0:23:49.920 --> 0:23:53.040 We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:57.520 of succeeding. Actually it's the opposite. When you see others succeed, 0:23:57.800 --> 0:24:01.120 it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize 0:24:01.200 --> 0:24:04.399 it's available. I've had so many of my friends start 0:24:04.480 --> 0:24:09.399 social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to 0:24:09.520 --> 0:24:13.360 what's their rise. It's incredible to see them give their 0:24:13.400 --> 0:24:16.639 gift to the world and what I'm encouraging my community 0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:18.880 and the people around me. To do is say hey 0:24:18.880 --> 0:24:22.719 when you see people celebrate that success. And then, of 0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:28.720 course verbal encouragement social persuasion helps as well. This reduces 0:24:28.760 --> 0:24:34.840 fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection, it 0:24:34.920 --> 0:24:39.720 requires evidence. Try this today. Instead of asking do I 0:24:39.800 --> 0:24:44.480 feel confident enough to start? Ask what's one small action 0:24:44.680 --> 0:24:47.880 I can take to build proof that I can do this? 0:24:48.960 --> 0:24:53.520 Send the email, record the first minute, write the first sentence, 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:59.920 show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence. 0:25:01.359 --> 0:25:06.840 Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great 0:25:07.680 --> 0:25:14.959 doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There 0:25:15.000 --> 0:25:22.520 are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence. 0:25:23.680 --> 0:25:30.879 Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence, and building competence builds confidence. 0:25:31.680 --> 0:25:38.200 Step number six, make failure public Strategically. The science shows 0:25:38.400 --> 0:25:43.800 that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds 0:25:43.880 --> 0:25:49.840 of success. Also, vulnerability builds trust. People support you when 0:25:49.840 --> 0:25:53.920 they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your 0:25:54.040 --> 0:25:58.600 risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it, 0:25:58.760 --> 0:26:02.280 and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want 0:26:02.280 --> 0:26:06.480 you to say. Here's what I'm building, here's what might 0:26:06.520 --> 0:26:11.280 not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect 0:26:11.920 --> 0:26:16.119 even if people still don't fully get the vision. I 0:26:16.160 --> 0:26:20.520 remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey, 0:26:20.880 --> 0:26:23.320 I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join 0:26:23.400 --> 0:26:25.520 the journey. If you want to be a part of it, 0:26:25.560 --> 0:26:28.439 great if you don't, I totally understand. And all of 0:26:28.440 --> 0:26:31.280 a sudden, it let people know that I was launching 0:26:31.760 --> 0:26:34.960 without launching. When you kind of drum up this build 0:26:35.040 --> 0:26:37.480 up to this big launch, it almost feels like too 0:26:37.560 --> 0:26:40.520 much pressure, and now everyone's expecting it to be perfect. 0:26:41.000 --> 0:26:43.080 When actually, when you soft launch and go, hey, i'm 0:26:43.080 --> 0:26:44.840 trying something, I'm giving it a go. I hope it 0:26:44.840 --> 0:26:49.120 does well, you get far more energy. You don't win 0:26:49.280 --> 0:26:54.640 support by hiding risk, you earn it by owning it. 0:26:55.680 --> 0:27:02.480 Because people don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't 0:27:02.520 --> 0:27:08.440 want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they 0:27:08.480 --> 0:27:12.800 want real. People don't want the highlight reel, they want 0:27:12.840 --> 0:27:18.719 the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. 0:27:19.520 --> 0:27:23.360 People don't want someone who has it all together, they 0:27:23.400 --> 0:27:27.560 want someone who's willing to figure it out because perfection 0:27:27.720 --> 0:27:33.040 may impress, but vulnerability connects. It's one of the reasons 0:27:33.080 --> 0:27:37.760 since my first videos, why I left me scuffing words, 0:27:38.320 --> 0:27:41.919 why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you 0:27:41.960 --> 0:27:45.480 may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts, it's 0:27:45.480 --> 0:27:48.680 because it was real. It actually happened, And it's why 0:27:48.720 --> 0:27:51.520 I do a lot of things without a lot of editing, 0:27:51.560 --> 0:27:53.640 because I just want you to see my thought process. 0:27:53.680 --> 0:27:56.679 I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea, 0:27:56.760 --> 0:28:01.480 because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception, moment of discovery, 0:28:01.760 --> 0:28:05.880 of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real. It's 0:28:05.880 --> 0:28:08.800 heart to heart, it's human to human. So don't feel 0:28:08.840 --> 0:28:12.720 that you have to be a perfect public speaker, or 0:28:12.760 --> 0:28:16.879 a perfect coder, or a perfect podcast or whatever it 0:28:16.920 --> 0:28:20.919 is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try 0:28:20.960 --> 0:28:27.639 to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People 0:28:27.720 --> 0:28:33.520 with intrinsic motivation driven by personal meaning outperform those with 0:28:33.760 --> 0:28:39.400 external motivation like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term. 0:28:39.840 --> 0:28:46.200 Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge success sounds good, but purpose 0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:54.640 driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment, resentment 0:28:54.680 --> 0:28:58.440 of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and 0:28:58.560 --> 0:29:05.240 resentment for lost time. Purpose driven success builds confidence, helps 0:29:05.280 --> 0:29:10.880 you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today. 0:29:11.680 --> 0:29:16.240 Write a mission statement, not for others, but for yourself. 0:29:16.720 --> 0:29:20.320 You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're 0:29:20.320 --> 0:29:24.040 doing this to find what you care about. You're not 0:29:24.160 --> 0:29:27.720 doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to 0:29:27.840 --> 0:29:31.680 find something that you like doing. You're not doing this 0:29:32.240 --> 0:29:35.480 because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because 0:29:35.520 --> 0:29:39.400 you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it 0:29:39.440 --> 0:29:43.600 somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping 0:29:43.640 --> 0:29:47.760 for your idea yet, good, that means you're early. That 0:29:47.800 --> 0:29:51.320 means you're building something most people can't see. Support may 0:29:51.360 --> 0:29:55.920 come later, but your belief has to come first, because 0:29:55.960 --> 0:29:58.600 at the end of the day, if you don't believe 0:29:58.600 --> 0:30:02.160 in your idea enough to stand alone for a while, 0:30:03.080 --> 0:30:06.080 you're not going to be ready for the crowd that 0:30:06.120 --> 0:30:09.560 comes after. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. 0:30:10.080 --> 0:30:12.400 If this episode helped you, the best thing you can 0:30:12.440 --> 0:30:15.120 do is pass it along to a friend, share it 0:30:15.160 --> 0:30:17.600 on social media. I love seeing what's resonating with you 0:30:17.920 --> 0:30:26.160 on TikTok and Instagram, and most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly, 0:30:26.880 --> 0:30:30.480 even if no one else does. And remember I'm always 0:30:30.560 --> 0:30:33.520 rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner. If 0:30:33.520 --> 0:30:36.880