1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:06,800 Speaker 1: People don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless, 2 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:12,400 Speaker 1: they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real. 3 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: People don't want the highlight reel, they want the human 4 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:23,079 Speaker 1: behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. People 5 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,760 Speaker 1: don't want someone who has it all together, they want 6 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 1: someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress, 7 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: but vulnerability connects. The number one health and wellness podcast 8 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:45,879 Speaker 1: Jay Sety, Jay sheddyet Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome 9 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,919 Speaker 1: back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what 10 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: to do when no one believes in you or supports you. 11 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am 12 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,440 Speaker 1: in the world, when I'm traveling, when i'm me people, 13 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, Jay, 14 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 1: the people around me don't believe in me. The people 15 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 1: around me don't support me, the people around me don't 16 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company, 17 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,959 Speaker 1: if I start my podcast, if I write my book, 18 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,520 Speaker 1: if I build my business, the people around me are 19 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,760 Speaker 1: going to tear it down before I even have the 20 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 1: chance to build it up. And a lot of us 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 1: are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt 22 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 1: disconnected from your community, maybe you've felt isolated. Will you think, 23 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: why does no one help me? Why does no one 24 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: believe in me? Why does no one support me? If 25 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling 26 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:49,200 Speaker 1: with that self belief, that self doubt, this episode is 27 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to say, 28 00:01:53,560 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 1: Stop seeking support, start creating proof. The science says we 29 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We 30 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:11,160 Speaker 1: overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us. 31 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 1: Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before 32 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 1: we act, but in reality, people often believe in you 33 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this, 34 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 1: You're at a party. You say something you think is 35 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs, 36 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:45,359 Speaker 1: no one's impressed. You're confused. You thought everyone would get 37 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,080 Speaker 1: the joke because in your head it was obvious, it 38 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: made sense, it was normal that moment, that awkward silence. 39 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,040 Speaker 1: That's the false consensus effect in action. The false this 40 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 1: consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that 41 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,120 Speaker 1: other people think the way we do because our opinions 42 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:13,760 Speaker 1: feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words, 43 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler, 44 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 1: they don't, and science proves it. The science says. This 45 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 1: term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and 46 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 1: Andrew House in the late nineteen seventies. In one famous study, 47 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: they gave people a tough moral choice, then ask them 48 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:42,200 Speaker 1: to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their 49 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:46,560 Speaker 1: choice was the majority option, but when the results came in, 50 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right 51 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter? 52 00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 1: This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new. 53 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't 54 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 1: get it. You think people will obviously support you, but 55 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: they don't. You expect everyone to see what you see, 56 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: but they're not. In your head. The problem isn't your idea, 57 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: it's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to 58 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:31,320 Speaker 1: someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just 59 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:35,720 Speaker 1: because it's clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others, 60 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: and that's not a flaw. It's a reminder you're early, 61 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 1: you're unique, You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead 62 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: of expecting everyone to agree, get curious, ask more, listen better, 63 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:57,720 Speaker 1: explain smarter, and when people don't get it, don't panic. 64 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original. 65 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 1: Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows 66 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 1: your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot, 67 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: a mock up. Stop pitching, start proving. Don't try to 68 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:24,520 Speaker 1: convince people. Show them what they didn't expect to see. 69 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: Don't try to impress people. Show yourself you can do it. 70 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,480 Speaker 1: Don't explain your vision to people. Committed to small thinking, 71 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 1: protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg 72 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 1: to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable. 73 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 1: Don't wait to be believed in. Become the reason they 74 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:56,359 Speaker 1: rethink what's possible. We have to start, We have to begin, 75 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,279 Speaker 1: We have to get going. People won't believe in you 76 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 1: before you start. They might not even believe in you 77 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 1: after you start. They might not even believe in you 78 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: when you win and succeed. Just start, just get going, 79 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 1: just move. If you wait for people to believe in 80 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:26,880 Speaker 1: you before you start. You could wait forever. If you 81 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 1: wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever. 82 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: And if you want someone to think you're going to 83 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 1: do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever. 84 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 1: Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving. 85 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 1: Make that change, make that shift, and notice how your 86 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,880 Speaker 1: life changes. The second thing you have to understand is 87 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 1: rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that 88 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities, 89 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have 90 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: nothing to do with your idea, your potential, and everything 91 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: to do with their past and their issues. The reason 92 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: someone says no to you is more likely that someone 93 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea 94 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't 95 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: think you're going to make it is because they didn't 96 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not 97 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror 98 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction 99 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 1: for your future. You don't have to do that and recognize. 100 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 1: Maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point 101 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app 102 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 1: at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an 103 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,440 Speaker 1: idea and someone told them not to do it. They're 104 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 1: simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you. We 105 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next 106 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 1: time someone doubts you, don't internalize it, ask yourself, is 107 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: this about me? Or about what they've told themselves. People 108 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:53,320 Speaker 1: will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people 109 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't 110 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,839 Speaker 1: let people who have haven't done it create doubts for you. 111 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 1: Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want. 112 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction 113 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 1: from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad, 114 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: they're just trying to protect you. But don't project that 115 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: fear onto yourself. A lot of the times when I've 116 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,160 Speaker 1: shared risks I wanted to take and had family members 117 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen, 118 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I 119 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 1: remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially 120 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: pursue some postgraduate study. And everyone around me said, Jay, well, 121 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,960 Speaker 1: how will you pay your bills, how will you pay 122 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,560 Speaker 1: for your wedding? How will you take care of your future? 123 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those 124 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:59,520 Speaker 1: were just reminders that they valued those things. They were 125 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,720 Speaker 1: showing they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability. 126 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:09,360 Speaker 1: And those are not bad values. People are not being mean, 127 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:14,439 Speaker 1: they're simply sharing what they care about, and it's your 128 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: job to decide whether you care about those things or 129 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 1: whether you don't. Sarah Blakeley, the founder of Spanks, didn't 130 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 1: tell her family about what she was building because she 131 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,199 Speaker 1: didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd 132 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 1: encourage you to do as well. Too many of us 133 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone 134 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: to get around us. We want the validation and the approval. 135 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 1: And what does that do? It does two things. The 136 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 1: first is it opens you up to lots of feedback 137 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 1: from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business, 138 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:55,040 Speaker 1: or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's 139 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,079 Speaker 1: emotional baggage. That was your choice. And the second thing 140 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 1: is whether they support you or not. You've taken energy 141 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:06,559 Speaker 1: away from the decision. I learned something really important when 142 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,319 Speaker 1: I was in the monastery that if you share something 143 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 1: before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it, 144 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,400 Speaker 1: you've taken away fifty percent of the energy from that 145 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:21,560 Speaker 1: idea because you have searched for validation and approval before 146 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: you've even put in the work. Put in the work first. 147 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,160 Speaker 1: Don't look for approval before you've put in the work. 148 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 1: Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work, 149 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:40,240 Speaker 1: because chances are you won't get it both times. Get 150 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 1: it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're 151 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible 152 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: for you. Number three, Use doubt as a focus filter. 153 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 1: According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of 154 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:05,319 Speaker 1: pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive. See this 155 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger, 156 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: but actually resistance can make us sharper. Use the no 157 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today. 158 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 1: List every reason people said your idea won't work and 159 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 1: build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist. 160 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:37,680 Speaker 1: Doubt doesn't mean stop. It means refined. Doubt doesn't mean 161 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 1: give up. It means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is 162 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: the end. It means start again. Support doesn't always make 163 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier. 164 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 1: Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you 165 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 1: what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares 166 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:18,600 Speaker 1: you to keep going without applause. Support says I believe 167 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: in you. Resistance says prove it to yourself. Support can 168 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: carry you, but resistance it builds your muscle. Don't resent 169 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: the resistance, use it. Let it shape your focus, sharpen 170 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: your edge, and remind you if you can do it 171 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:46,320 Speaker 1: without the noise, you're ready for the stage. When we're waiting, 172 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: and I see this happen to so many people when 173 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 1: I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage. 174 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,440 Speaker 1: We're waiting for the invite in order to be our 175 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: best self, not realizing that when we become our best self, 176 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,680 Speaker 1: we get invited onto the stage. By the way I 177 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,080 Speaker 1: remember this, I did the same thing to myself for years. 178 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,600 Speaker 1: I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity 179 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: and then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember 180 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,760 Speaker 1: speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm 181 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: in right now, speaking to empty rooms, no one there, 182 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: just four walls, and I would practice my speech as 183 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: if it was full of one hundred people. And now 184 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: when I have the fortune of being live at the 185 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: Greek Theater with five thousand people, doing an event recently 186 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: at the theater at MSG with five thousand of view 187 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 1: as well, I often think back to that moment when 188 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: there were zero to five people in a room, and 189 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 1: the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty 190 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 1: much the same. What I mean by that is, if 191 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,960 Speaker 1: you're sad that only ten people watched your video, switch 192 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,840 Speaker 1: it to ten people watched my video. If you're sad 193 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: that you've got one hundred views, think about that for 194 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 1: a second. When have you ever had one hundred people 195 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: turn up to hear you speak. If you're not happy 196 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: that you only have ten thousand followers, ask yourself, have 197 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,920 Speaker 1: you ever even seen ten thousand people in one place 198 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,359 Speaker 1: show up for you. It's when we become grateful, thoughtful, 199 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,640 Speaker 1: and focused on the growth that we've already made that 200 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:29,120 Speaker 1: we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're 201 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking 202 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,480 Speaker 1: up and ahead, and the other is looking down and behind. 203 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 1: You look down to see how far you've come, and 204 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: you look up to see how far you have left 205 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you 206 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 1: look down as to how far you've come, you get 207 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: energy to move forward, and when you look at how 208 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,320 Speaker 1: far you have left to go, you feel grounded and 209 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll 210 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: feel discouraged, and if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant. 211 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 1: Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin. 212 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,480 Speaker 1: They'll keep you trapped in stuck and not help you 213 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:26,760 Speaker 1: move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof. 214 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:32,920 Speaker 1: Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey. 215 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,680 Speaker 1: This next part is so important, but first I just 216 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:41,480 Speaker 1: want to take a second to thank our sponsors. Thanks 217 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 1: for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Number four. 218 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:52,280 Speaker 1: Build a belief battery from strangers. The Ben Franklin effect 219 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 1: shows that when we engage with others in small, reciprocal ways, 220 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: trust builds faster, even among strangers. It's really surprising your 221 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 1: biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact, 222 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 1: research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new 223 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:17,639 Speaker 1: ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is 224 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:22,879 Speaker 1: Adam Grant's research. Imagine this. You post your new business idea, podcast, 225 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,679 Speaker 1: or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends 226 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: and family will hype it up. Instead silence, no comment 227 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: from your cousin, no reshare from your closest friend, not 228 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:41,680 Speaker 1: even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then someone you've 229 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,080 Speaker 1: never met dms you this is exactly what I needed. 230 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:51,399 Speaker 1: Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth. 231 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 1: The people closest to you aren't always the ones most 232 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: likely to support your growth. People closest to you are 233 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: not the most likely to believe in you. The people 234 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,480 Speaker 1: closest to you are not the first to cheer for you. 235 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:15,199 Speaker 1: Because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know, 236 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:21,040 Speaker 1: that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to 237 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:25,680 Speaker 1: remind you that what you're doing matters. According to organizational 238 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 1: psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new 239 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:35,199 Speaker 1: ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied 240 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 1: to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. You're inner 241 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 1: circle knows you're before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts, 242 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:49,600 Speaker 1: your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare 243 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:54,080 Speaker 1: it to who you used to be. It's called identity anchoring. 244 00:18:54,680 --> 00:19:00,200 Speaker 1: They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh, 245 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,680 Speaker 1: that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through. 246 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,200 Speaker 1: Or they look at you and say that's not like you, 247 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:13,160 Speaker 1: or since when are you a podcaster. They don't mean 248 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: to limit you, but their memory of your past gets 249 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,920 Speaker 1: in the way of their belief in your future. Their 250 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:25,360 Speaker 1: memory of your past gets in the way of their 251 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,920 Speaker 1: belief in your future. But you don't have to let 252 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie 253 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: The Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story 254 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,480 Speaker 1: of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the 255 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,119 Speaker 1: powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are 256 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,480 Speaker 1: on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a 257 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,879 Speaker 1: table at a members club sharing his new business idea 258 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:56,040 Speaker 1: that is the franchise model for McDonald's, and all of 259 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,680 Speaker 1: his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about 260 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 1: so many any businesses and failed and they list them off. 261 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 1: Ray knows this is different, He feels it's different, but 262 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: he can't convince them. He has to show it, He 263 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,880 Speaker 1: has to prove it. He has to go and do 264 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re 265 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated. 266 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,040 Speaker 1: They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog, 267 00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:29,680 Speaker 1: or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message, 268 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 1: your energy as it is, not as it was, and 269 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:36,440 Speaker 1: that gives them the clarity to say this deserves a shot. 270 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:41,280 Speaker 1: So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't 271 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:45,119 Speaker 1: come from the people you expected. Be proud you showed 272 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,160 Speaker 1: up anyway, and remember your audience might not come from 273 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,560 Speaker 1: your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building. 274 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: Let strangers become supporters, let your results, rewrite your story, 275 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,080 Speaker 1: and let the people who used to know you catch up. 276 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,639 Speaker 1: Because often the people who will believe in your next 277 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: chapter haven't met you yet. So try this today. Find 278 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,800 Speaker 1: three people online doing what you want to do, comment, 279 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:20,640 Speaker 1: share message, start building belief outside your circle. If your 280 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:24,960 Speaker 1: people don't see it yet. Find the ones who already 281 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: live it. Step number five, create before you're confident. This 282 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:35,240 Speaker 1: is the most important step. You don't become confident before 283 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,959 Speaker 1: you start. You don't become confident before you try. You 284 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident 285 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,520 Speaker 1: before you do the thing. The science shows this too, 286 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: It's called the competence confidence loop. The competence confidence loop 287 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 1: shows that action builds belief, not the other way around. 288 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 1: Wait to feel ready. But confidence is a result of experience, 289 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:10,720 Speaker 1: not a requirement to begin. Choose one microaction that represents 290 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 1: your idea, launch the first draft, post the first video, 291 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 1: off of the first service. Confidence doesn't come first, commitment does. Now, 292 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,359 Speaker 1: here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been 293 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,800 Speaker 1: sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll start. 294 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: But here's what psychology proves that mindset is backwards. According 295 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,560 Speaker 1: to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of self 296 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action, it comes because 297 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 1: of it. Now, what does it mean? When you take action, 298 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:53,879 Speaker 1: especially on something new, you build competence, a sense of 299 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,880 Speaker 1: I can do this. That competence creates evidence, and your 300 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,880 Speaker 1: brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time 301 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:08,000 Speaker 1: you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing, 302 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,359 Speaker 1: you're training your belief that you can. We wait for 303 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,440 Speaker 1: confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more 304 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 1: like a side effect of showing up. People think public 305 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:24,159 Speaker 1: speakers are born confident. Nope, most of them were just 306 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,160 Speaker 1: the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They 307 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:33,880 Speaker 1: earned it through reps, not readiness. Bandura's research shows that 308 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: self efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases 309 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:43,440 Speaker 1: when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences. 310 00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 1: It also increases when you see others succeed vicarious experiences. 311 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance 312 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: of succeeding. Actually it's the opposite. When you see others succeed, 313 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,120 Speaker 1: it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize 314 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,399 Speaker 1: it's available. I've had so many of my friends start 315 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:09,399 Speaker 1: social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to 316 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,360 Speaker 1: what's their rise. It's incredible to see them give their 317 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,639 Speaker 1: gift to the world and what I'm encouraging my community 318 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,880 Speaker 1: and the people around me. To do is say hey 319 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,719 Speaker 1: when you see people celebrate that success. And then, of 320 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:28,720 Speaker 1: course verbal encouragement social persuasion helps as well. This reduces 321 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection, it 322 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,720 Speaker 1: requires evidence. Try this today. Instead of asking do I 323 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,480 Speaker 1: feel confident enough to start? Ask what's one small action 324 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,880 Speaker 1: I can take to build proof that I can do this? 325 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 1: Send the email, record the first minute, write the first sentence, 326 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:59,920 Speaker 1: show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence. 327 00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:06,840 Speaker 1: Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great 328 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:14,959 Speaker 1: doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There 329 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:22,520 Speaker 1: are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence. 330 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:30,879 Speaker 1: Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence, and building competence builds confidence. 331 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:38,200 Speaker 1: Step number six, make failure public Strategically. The science shows 332 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 1: that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds 333 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 1: of success. Also, vulnerability builds trust. People support you when 334 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,920 Speaker 1: they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your 335 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 1: risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it, 336 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,280 Speaker 1: and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want 337 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:06,480 Speaker 1: you to say. Here's what I'm building, here's what might 338 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 1: not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect 339 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 1: even if people still don't fully get the vision. I 340 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 1: remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey, 341 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,320 Speaker 1: I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join 342 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 1: the journey. If you want to be a part of it, 343 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,439 Speaker 1: great if you don't, I totally understand. And all of 344 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,280 Speaker 1: a sudden, it let people know that I was launching 345 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,960 Speaker 1: without launching. When you kind of drum up this build 346 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:37,480 Speaker 1: up to this big launch, it almost feels like too 347 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,520 Speaker 1: much pressure, and now everyone's expecting it to be perfect. 348 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 1: When actually, when you soft launch and go, hey, i'm 349 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,840 Speaker 1: trying something, I'm giving it a go. I hope it 350 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:49,120 Speaker 1: does well, you get far more energy. You don't win 351 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:54,640 Speaker 1: support by hiding risk, you earn it by owning it. 352 00:26:55,680 --> 00:27:02,480 Speaker 1: Because people don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't 353 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:08,440 Speaker 1: want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they 354 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 1: want real. People don't want the highlight reel, they want 355 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:18,719 Speaker 1: the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presents. 356 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,360 Speaker 1: People don't want someone who has it all together, they 357 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,560 Speaker 1: want someone who's willing to figure it out because perfection 358 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:33,040 Speaker 1: may impress, but vulnerability connects. It's one of the reasons 359 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 1: since my first videos, why I left me scuffing words, 360 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,919 Speaker 1: why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you 361 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 1: may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts, it's 362 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,680 Speaker 1: because it was real. It actually happened, And it's why 363 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 1: I do a lot of things without a lot of editing, 364 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,640 Speaker 1: because I just want you to see my thought process. 365 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,679 Speaker 1: I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea, 366 00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:01,480 Speaker 1: because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception, moment of discovery, 367 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,880 Speaker 1: of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real. It's 368 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,800 Speaker 1: heart to heart, it's human to human. So don't feel 369 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,720 Speaker 1: that you have to be a perfect public speaker, or 370 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:16,879 Speaker 1: a perfect coder, or a perfect podcast or whatever it 371 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,919 Speaker 1: is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try 372 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:27,639 Speaker 1: to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People 373 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 1: with intrinsic motivation driven by personal meaning outperform those with 374 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:39,400 Speaker 1: external motivation like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term. 375 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:46,200 Speaker 1: Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge success sounds good, but purpose 376 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 1: driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment, resentment 377 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 1: of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and 378 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:05,240 Speaker 1: resentment for lost time. Purpose driven success builds confidence, helps 379 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:10,880 Speaker 1: you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today. 380 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:16,240 Speaker 1: Write a mission statement, not for others, but for yourself. 381 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,320 Speaker 1: You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're 382 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:24,040 Speaker 1: doing this to find what you care about. You're not 383 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,720 Speaker 1: doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to 384 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 1: find something that you like doing. You're not doing this 385 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,480 Speaker 1: because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because 386 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:39,400 Speaker 1: you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it 387 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,600 Speaker 1: somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping 388 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,760 Speaker 1: for your idea yet, good, that means you're early. That 389 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 1: means you're building something most people can't see. Support may 390 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,920 Speaker 1: come later, but your belief has to come first, because 391 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, if you don't believe 392 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 1: in your idea enough to stand alone for a while, 393 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 1: you're not going to be ready for the crowd that 394 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,560 Speaker 1: comes after. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. 395 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 1: If this episode helped you, the best thing you can 396 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,120 Speaker 1: do is pass it along to a friend, share it 397 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,600 Speaker 1: on social media. I love seeing what's resonating with you 398 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:26,160 Speaker 1: on TikTok and Instagram, and most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly, 399 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:30,480 Speaker 1: even if no one else does. And remember I'm always 400 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,520 Speaker 1: rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner. If 401 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Megan 402 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 1: Trainer on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident 403 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 1: from the inside out. 404 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 2: My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for 405 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 2: five minutes. It was already tough for me to love 406 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 2: my body, but after the C section scarf with all 407 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,520 Speaker 2: the stretch marks. Now I'm looking at myself like I've 408 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:55,120 Speaker 2: been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I 409 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,880 Speaker 2: was like, you know what, her thighs are cute