WEBVTT - You Only Live Once... So Commit 0:00:15.436 --> 0:00:24.716 Pushkin. I've always been kinda into musicians. I obsessively read 0:00:24.716 --> 0:00:27.476 the memoirs of rock gods, and I love hearing about 0:00:27.516 --> 0:00:30.396 the lives of different artists. It's in part because I 0:00:30.436 --> 0:00:34.196 really envy musical talent, but it's also because I sort 0:00:34.196 --> 0:00:37.596 of dig the rocker attitude. Their vibe is so untethered, 0:00:37.876 --> 0:00:41.076 so spontaneous. There seems to be a word for this 0:00:41.156 --> 0:00:45.716 attitude of reckless, abandoned yolo. You only live once. It's 0:00:45.756 --> 0:00:48.156 a phrase that urges you to jump from passion to passion, 0:00:48.276 --> 0:00:51.316 from opportunity to opportunity, so that you can make the 0:00:51.356 --> 0:00:54.596 most of the present moment, no matter what. Future be damned. 0:00:55.436 --> 0:00:57.276 If you're like me, you may have first heard the 0:00:57.276 --> 0:01:00.116 phrase yolo back in twenty eleven. That's the year the 0:01:00.156 --> 0:01:02.636 acronym went viral when Drake used the phrase in the 0:01:02.716 --> 0:01:10.356 chorus of his rap anthem, the motto Yoo yolo, and 0:01:10.436 --> 0:01:14.316 so we used to tant that it turned into a song. 0:01:15.036 --> 0:01:18.556 That's not the rap anthem I was talking about, and 0:01:18.916 --> 0:01:22.556 that's not Drake, but it is a famous musician. I 0:01:22.596 --> 0:01:25.236 didn't know that I was the first one to coin 0:01:25.556 --> 0:01:28.516 yolo as you only live once until I read it somewhere, 0:01:28.596 --> 0:01:31.036 or someone told me that they read it in some 0:01:31.276 --> 0:01:35.756 encyclopedia or something. Whatever they go. Really, this is Mickey Hart, 0:01:35.836 --> 0:01:39.076 drummer for the legendary band The Grateful Dead. And yes, 0:01:39.236 --> 0:01:43.356 Mickey's right here. He was the one who coined the acronym. 0:01:43.436 --> 0:01:47.196 So what's the real origin story of yolo? Well, back 0:01:47.196 --> 0:01:50.556 in the early nineties, Mickey was rethinking his housing situation. 0:01:51.396 --> 0:01:54.196 My music is very loud, and I didn't want to 0:01:54.196 --> 0:01:56.716 disturb anybody, and it didn't want them to disturb me, 0:01:56.796 --> 0:02:00.236 and I didn't want the Deadheads to find me. Mickey 0:02:00.276 --> 0:02:02.876 realized he needed a different kind of property, something with 0:02:02.956 --> 0:02:05.916 plenty of space and lots of privacy. So when Micky's 0:02:05.916 --> 0:02:08.356 wife happened upon the listing for an old ranch house 0:02:08.396 --> 0:02:10.676 on fifty years of land in the middle of nowhere, 0:02:11.156 --> 0:02:14.116 he knew it was perfect. Mickey immediately called the number 0:02:14.116 --> 0:02:16.636 on the listing brochure, but when he reached the agent, 0:02:16.716 --> 0:02:19.276 he got some bad news. The owners were asking such 0:02:19.316 --> 0:02:21.876 an astronomically high price for the property that the ranch 0:02:21.916 --> 0:02:24.436 had been taken off the market. It was more money 0:02:24.476 --> 0:02:27.356 than we were going to spend. We thought we couldn't 0:02:27.356 --> 0:02:30.996 afford it. At the time, So Mickey's dreamhouse wasn't even 0:02:30.996 --> 0:02:34.436 for sale anymore. End of story, right, not for a 0:02:34.436 --> 0:02:37.676 badass rocker like Mickey. So you know, I just looked 0:02:37.716 --> 0:02:40.876 at her and they said, we only live once, and 0:02:42.356 --> 0:02:47.316 this is our place. This is yolo. The couple hopped 0:02:47.316 --> 0:02:49.636 in their car and drive out to the property unannounced. 0:02:50.116 --> 0:02:52.076 In the end, they convinced the owner to sell them 0:02:52.116 --> 0:02:55.076 the ranch, but still paid more money than they could afford. 0:02:55.436 --> 0:02:59.276 But you know, yolo. Mickey thought the term fits so 0:02:59.316 --> 0:03:02.476 well that he christened his new home Yolo Ranch, and 0:03:02.556 --> 0:03:06.996 thus the new acronym was born. These days, the term 0:03:07.036 --> 0:03:09.796 yolo is invoked whenever we want to do something impulsive, 0:03:09.916 --> 0:03:12.876 care free, and reckless. Should I spend half my rent 0:03:12.956 --> 0:03:15.996 check on this one pair of shoes yolo? Should I 0:03:16.036 --> 0:03:19.556 quit my job on a whim Yolo? For some people, 0:03:19.836 --> 0:03:22.956 yolo has become a guiding principle, one that prioritizes the 0:03:22.996 --> 0:03:25.836 ability to be spontaneous and act in the present moment, 0:03:25.916 --> 0:03:29.516 no matter the consequences. You only live once, so don't 0:03:29.516 --> 0:03:31.796 settle for what's in front of you when something else 0:03:31.836 --> 0:03:35.156 amazing might be out there somewhere. But as the yolo 0:03:35.236 --> 0:03:37.956 impulse to live untethered and uncommitted the right way to 0:03:37.996 --> 0:03:40.996 maximize our presence and our happiness. Or have we all 0:03:40.996 --> 0:03:46.276 misunderstood what yolo should really stand for. Our minds are 0:03:46.316 --> 0:03:48.596 constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But 0:03:48.676 --> 0:03:51.076 what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds 0:03:51.116 --> 0:03:53.356 are lying to us, leading us away from what will 0:03:53.436 --> 0:03:56.476 really make us happy. The good news is that understanding 0:03:56.476 --> 0:03:58.476 the science of the mind can point us all back 0:03:58.516 --> 0:04:01.316 in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness Lab 0:04:01.436 --> 0:04:09.876 with me, Doctor Laurie Santos. I was young in the 0:04:09.916 --> 0:04:13.396 age when like Yolo pop music was really big. This 0:04:13.596 --> 0:04:17.276 is Pete Davis. It was Miley Cyrus or like cash 0:04:17.356 --> 0:04:19.476 Us singing like let's live tonight, like We're going to 0:04:19.556 --> 0:04:22.276 die young or something. Pete's part of a generation that 0:04:22.396 --> 0:04:24.676 grew up on the idea of yolo, of living for 0:04:24.716 --> 0:04:28.236 the moment in a culture that prioritizes fleeting experiences over 0:04:28.316 --> 0:04:31.596 long term investments. Pete came of age when you could 0:04:31.596 --> 0:04:34.156 just swipe right on Tinder whenever you felt lonely, or 0:04:34.156 --> 0:04:37.196 scroll right on Netflix whenever you felt bored, jumping from 0:04:37.276 --> 0:04:39.476 job to job and from place to place. It was 0:04:39.516 --> 0:04:45.236 admired for the degree of URIs doctor Pete Davis. And 0:04:45.276 --> 0:04:48.236 so when Pete addressed his graduating class at Harvard, it 0:04:48.276 --> 0:04:50.236 may not surprise you to hear that he started his 0:04:50.276 --> 0:04:52.876 speech with a nod to the Yolo ethos and the 0:04:52.996 --> 0:04:56.636 value his generation gets from experiencing all the possibilities the 0:04:56.676 --> 0:04:59.276 modern world has to offer. I've seen all the good 0:04:59.316 --> 0:05:02.716 that can come from having so many new options. I've 0:05:02.716 --> 0:05:06.796 seen big decisions become less painful because you can always quit, 0:05:07.076 --> 0:05:09.796 you can always move. And mostly I've seen all the 0:05:09.836 --> 0:05:14.636 fun folks have had, experiencing more novelty than any generation 0:05:14.716 --> 0:05:19.076 in history ever experienced. But Pete's speech wasn't about the 0:05:19.116 --> 0:05:21.836 benefits of keeping all these doors of opportunity open in 0:05:21.876 --> 0:05:25.156 the hallway of life. It was about the drawbacks. We 0:05:25.636 --> 0:05:28.836 may have come here to help keep our options open, 0:05:29.236 --> 0:05:32.156 but I leave believing that the most radical act we 0:05:32.236 --> 0:05:35.836 can take is to make a commitment to a particular thing, 0:05:36.436 --> 0:05:40.476 to a place, to a profession, to a person, and 0:05:40.596 --> 0:05:47.036 to close doors and forego options. Pete was calling on 0:05:47.116 --> 0:05:50.036 his classmates to reject that version of the Yolo ethos. 0:05:50.436 --> 0:05:53.356 He wanted his peers to embrace the seemingly much stodgier 0:05:53.356 --> 0:05:56.436 option of tying yourself down and investing in just one 0:05:56.476 --> 0:05:59.956 thing for the long haul. We should rebel and join 0:06:00.116 --> 0:06:03.396 up with a counterculture of commitment. Let's get to work. 0:06:07.716 --> 0:06:11.156 Pete's commencement speech received millions of views on Facebook. The 0:06:11.276 --> 0:06:14.436 argument eventually turned into a book dedicated the case for 0:06:14.516 --> 0:06:18.036 commitment in an age of infinite browsing. So what does 0:06:18.076 --> 0:06:20.956 Pete mean by infinite browsing? You know, it's late at 0:06:21.036 --> 0:06:24.476 night and you start browsing Netflix looking for something to watch, 0:06:24.916 --> 0:06:27.516 and you can't pick anything. So you scroll through different 0:06:27.556 --> 0:06:29.916 titles and you read a few reviews, and you just 0:06:29.996 --> 0:06:32.676 can't commit to watching any given movie. And you wake 0:06:32.756 --> 0:06:35.476 up from your haze thirty minutes later and you found 0:06:35.516 --> 0:06:37.196 out I didn't pick anything. I've been on the menu 0:06:37.316 --> 0:06:39.396 screen this whole time, and now you're too tired to 0:06:39.396 --> 0:06:41.516 watch anything now, so you turn off the TV and 0:06:41.556 --> 0:06:43.916 go to sleep. Failing to commit to a show on 0:06:43.996 --> 0:06:47.236 Netflix may seem trivial, but Pete argues that modern life 0:06:47.276 --> 0:06:50.316 is full of many more important cases of infinite browsing mode. 0:06:50.556 --> 0:06:54.836 It's the idea of jumping from vocation of vocation. It's 0:06:55.116 --> 0:06:58.636 swiping through endless dating profiles, and even when you're on 0:06:58.676 --> 0:07:02.116 your first dates thinking the whole time, well is this 0:07:02.156 --> 0:07:04.196 person better than all the people I could swipe through? 0:07:04.716 --> 0:07:07.316 Or moving to a new place and saying, well, okay, 0:07:07.356 --> 0:07:09.516 you know, I don't need to get rooted here because 0:07:09.516 --> 0:07:11.596 I can always leave and there's always a better thing 0:07:11.596 --> 0:07:14.996 out there. And I particularly focus on calling it infinite browsing, 0:07:15.036 --> 0:07:18.116 because browsing is sometimes good in your life. The problem 0:07:18.156 --> 0:07:20.236 I'm fighting is not taking some time in your life 0:07:20.236 --> 0:07:23.036 to brows it's never clicking out of the menu screen. 0:07:23.556 --> 0:07:26.156 Pete argues that the culture he grew up in prioritized 0:07:26.276 --> 0:07:28.916 staying on the menu screen of life as long as possible. 0:07:29.396 --> 0:07:31.556 The message is keep your options open. You know, as 0:07:31.556 --> 0:07:34.316 long as you're maximizing options for your future self, you'll 0:07:34.316 --> 0:07:36.876 be fine. Keep doing that. Pete worries that this is 0:07:36.956 --> 0:07:40.956 ultimately bad for society. He's instead taken with examples of 0:07:40.956 --> 0:07:44.196 people he refers to as long haul heroes, men and 0:07:44.236 --> 0:07:47.036 women throughout history who put in the sustained effort to 0:07:47.076 --> 0:07:49.956 fight long term for what they believe. In the fact 0:07:50.036 --> 0:07:53.676 that your town has that wonderful community center or farmers 0:07:53.716 --> 0:07:56.556 market or park that's preserved. Look into the history, you'll 0:07:56.596 --> 0:08:00.556 find a long haul hero behind it. But Pete fears 0:08:00.556 --> 0:08:03.396 that are keep your options open. Mentality isn't just limiting 0:08:03.436 --> 0:08:05.556 the number of long haul heroes in ways that will 0:08:05.556 --> 0:08:09.836 make society less happy. It's also negatively affecting our individual 0:08:09.836 --> 0:08:12.956 happiness as well. And the science backs pet up here. 0:08:13.436 --> 0:08:16.676 There's lots of evidence that not committing ultimately poses a 0:08:16.756 --> 0:08:20.676 huge opportunity cost for your happiness. Consider, for example, the 0:08:20.716 --> 0:08:23.756 happiness boost we get from experiencing a sense of belonging. 0:08:24.436 --> 0:08:27.236 Study after study shows that feeling connected to a group 0:08:27.236 --> 0:08:29.956 of friends, or a neighborhood or a workplace improves our 0:08:29.996 --> 0:08:32.676 overall well being. But building up that sense of authentic 0:08:32.676 --> 0:08:36.116 community requires time and investment. Pete fears that if we 0:08:36.156 --> 0:08:38.676 scream yolo and jump into something new every time the 0:08:38.756 --> 0:08:41.596 urge presents itself, we may never invest the time needed 0:08:41.676 --> 0:08:44.116 to feel connected to a job or a partner, or 0:08:44.116 --> 0:08:46.796 a place or a friend group. But the second reason 0:08:46.876 --> 0:08:50.676 infinite browsing impedes our happiness is that, ironically enough, it 0:08:50.716 --> 0:08:54.356 often makes us feel pretty bored. All the fun of 0:08:54.436 --> 0:08:57.956 novelty that comes from browsing, all the hot new thing 0:08:58.036 --> 0:08:59.716 that you jump from thing to thing and are excited 0:08:59.756 --> 0:09:03.236 about eventually gets haunted by the pain of the boredom 0:09:03.276 --> 0:09:06.956 of shallowness. Pete uses the example of that feeling you 0:09:06.996 --> 0:09:09.796 get when you realize you've just watched what feels like 0:09:09.916 --> 0:09:13.276 a hundred short Internet videos in a row. The algorithm 0:09:13.356 --> 0:09:16.196 of TikTok will present you in the world that day, 0:09:16.356 --> 0:09:20.916 probably the hundredth most interesting video created by humanity, and 0:09:20.996 --> 0:09:23.796 yet you're just completely bored and fried out by the 0:09:23.916 --> 0:09:26.236 hundred one, because jumping from hot new thing to hot 0:09:26.236 --> 0:09:29.916 new thing eventually becomes boring. But there's a third reason 0:09:29.916 --> 0:09:32.596 why staying in an infinite browsing mode reduces our happiness. 0:09:32.996 --> 0:09:35.276 When we fail to make a long term decision about 0:09:35.316 --> 0:09:37.876 a job, or a partner or a community, we reap 0:09:37.956 --> 0:09:40.276 the stress that comes from still needing to make that 0:09:40.396 --> 0:09:43.476 choice down the line. So browsing is good because it 0:09:43.476 --> 0:09:45.756 gives you flexibility, lets you kind of jump from thing 0:09:45.796 --> 0:09:50.236 to thing, but that flexibility is eventually haunted by choice paralysis. 0:09:50.836 --> 0:09:53.276 If you're a regular Happiness Lab listener, you may have 0:09:53.356 --> 0:09:58.636 heard the term choice paralysis before Choosing is exhausting, even 0:09:58.676 --> 0:10:02.036 when it's about trivial stuff, and even when it's hypothetical, 0:10:02.196 --> 0:10:05.156 it just wears you out. This is very Schortz, a 0:10:05.196 --> 0:10:08.276 professor at the Hoss Business School at UC Berkeley, who 0:10:08.316 --> 0:10:11.276 talked about the un happiness unmade choices cause way back 0:10:11.276 --> 0:10:13.556 in our first season. Barry's the author of a book 0:10:13.636 --> 0:10:16.556 called The Paradox of Choice, which argues that our obsession 0:10:16.596 --> 0:10:20.316 with the attachment free lifestyle comes from a fundamental misunderstanding 0:10:20.396 --> 0:10:23.476 of what makes us happy. There's a set of beliefs 0:10:23.476 --> 0:10:26.596 that are so deeply embedded in us that I don't 0:10:26.596 --> 0:10:28.596 even think we realize we hold them. And that is, 0:10:29.036 --> 0:10:34.076 if you want to enhance people's well being, you enhance 0:10:34.316 --> 0:10:37.876 their freedom. If you enhance people's choice, you will enhance 0:10:37.996 --> 0:10:41.836 their well being. And that seems so obviously true that 0:10:41.916 --> 0:10:45.316 it didn't occur to anyone to investigate it. But it 0:10:45.356 --> 0:10:48.436 did occur to Barry. He and his colleagues investigated the 0:10:48.436 --> 0:10:51.076 claim that keeping our options open makes us feel better, 0:10:51.396 --> 0:10:54.516 and they found that the exact opposite was true. Too 0:10:54.516 --> 0:10:56.996 many choices can cause us to panic and shut down. 0:10:57.516 --> 0:11:00.916 We experience choice paralysis, even though we predict that we'll 0:11:00.996 --> 0:11:04.476 enjoy what seems like endless possibilities. Having an abundance of 0:11:04.476 --> 0:11:08.276 options usually leaves us depleted and disappointed. Well people have 0:11:08.356 --> 0:11:10.996 come to realize is that there's no doubt that choice 0:11:11.116 --> 0:11:13.956 is good. But you can reach a point where what's 0:11:13.956 --> 0:11:16.596 bad about it starts to outweigh what's good about it, 0:11:16.676 --> 0:11:20.396 and you leave people in pretty bad shape. But Barry 0:11:20.436 --> 0:11:23.196 says there's a further reason that keeping options open hurts 0:11:23.196 --> 0:11:26.436 people's happiness, even after they've finally sucked it up and 0:11:26.476 --> 0:11:29.516 made a choice. It's so easy to imagine that one 0:11:29.516 --> 0:11:32.036 of the options they rejected would have been better than 0:11:32.076 --> 0:11:35.556 the one they chose. When you face too many possibilities 0:11:35.596 --> 0:11:38.996 before a decision, you wind up being haunted by decision ghosts, 0:11:39.316 --> 0:11:42.516 the ghosts of all the choices you didn't make. And 0:11:42.556 --> 0:11:45.276 so you give people lots of options. You raise their 0:11:45.316 --> 0:11:48.396 expectations about how good the thing they choose will be. 0:11:48.836 --> 0:11:51.676 You invite them to make comparison to all of the 0:11:51.716 --> 0:11:55.756 options that they've rejected and everything. The more you compare, 0:11:55.796 --> 0:11:58.596 the more the thing you've chosen suffers. So you end 0:11:58.676 --> 0:12:00.916 up making a good decision and feeling bad about it. 0:12:01.676 --> 0:12:04.996 Pete thinks decision ghosts can be even scarier for his generation, 0:12:05.436 --> 0:12:08.156 people so accustomed to never ending choice that they can 0:12:08.156 --> 0:12:11.116 feel bad about options they haven't even seen but it 0:12:11.196 --> 0:12:14.476 might not even exist, or future tender swipes and Netflix 0:12:14.516 --> 0:12:17.796 movie options that haven't even crossed our feeds, And even 0:12:17.796 --> 0:12:20.996 when we're dealing with actual rejected choices, our brains have 0:12:21.036 --> 0:12:23.996 a way of confabulating imaginary options and ways that make 0:12:24.076 --> 0:12:27.076 us feel bad. Like let's say you're a recent graduate 0:12:27.236 --> 0:12:30.036 trying to decide which city to move to after college, 0:12:30.636 --> 0:12:33.436 and you're like, should I live in Chicago, Miami, DC, 0:12:33.636 --> 0:12:36.876 or Austin. Chicago, Miami, DC or Austin. Maybe I'll go 0:12:36.956 --> 0:12:38.396 take a trip to Miami and see if I like it, 0:12:38.436 --> 0:12:40.396 then DC, and then maybe I'll ask my friends what 0:12:40.396 --> 0:12:43.396 about Chicago, And then you choose Chicago. It's not just 0:12:43.516 --> 0:12:46.156 that you're like haunted by a Miami in DC in Austin. 0:12:46.556 --> 0:12:48.876 You're haunted by a fictional city in your head that 0:12:48.916 --> 0:12:53.676 has Miami's beaches and DC's museums and Austin's food, and 0:12:53.716 --> 0:12:55.956 you're like, oh, gosh, I wish I lived in that city, 0:12:56.076 --> 0:12:59.516 you know, Miami, DC, Austin. Choosing to be spontaneous and 0:12:59.596 --> 0:13:01.916 keeping our options open means we fail to get the 0:13:01.916 --> 0:13:05.236 benefit of authentic connection. We get super bored, and we 0:13:05.316 --> 0:13:08.276 suffer from the pain of choice paralysis, and the alternative 0:13:08.316 --> 0:13:11.836 possibilities we fantasize about can continue haunting us long after 0:13:11.916 --> 0:13:15.836 we finally do make a choice. So what's the alternative here? 0:13:16.356 --> 0:13:21.156 Once you commit, suddenly your paralysis is broken through by 0:13:21.236 --> 0:13:25.516 being on fire with purpose. Your identity gets rewired, Your 0:13:25.516 --> 0:13:28.876 whole sense of meaning becomes connected to your commitment. Your 0:13:29.116 --> 0:13:33.116 sense of spiritual isolation gets replaced by a community of 0:13:33.156 --> 0:13:36.756 friends and colleagues and comrades, And your sense of boredom 0:13:36.756 --> 0:13:39.796 and shallowness gets replaced by this magic of the whole 0:13:39.796 --> 0:13:41.996 world coming alive to you because you know all the 0:13:42.076 --> 0:13:46.076 details of some corner of the world. But if rejecting 0:13:46.076 --> 0:13:49.116 the yolo, untethered life is so beneficial for our well being, 0:13:49.716 --> 0:13:52.076 why don't we do it more often? If the benefits 0:13:52.076 --> 0:13:54.836 of commitment are so obvious, why do so many of 0:13:54.916 --> 0:13:58.356 us get stuck in infinite browsing mode. We'll learn the 0:13:58.396 --> 0:14:01.156 reasons why when the Happiness Lab returns from the rink. 0:14:11.076 --> 0:14:12.436 I'd say at the beginning of the book, and I 0:14:12.476 --> 0:14:14.676 really believe this, Like this is not one of those 0:14:14.676 --> 0:14:17.276 self help books that's like I lost fifty pounds and 0:14:17.396 --> 0:14:19.556 you can too, or something, or I turned my life around. 0:14:19.596 --> 0:14:21.716 It really comes for me being a super fan of 0:14:21.756 --> 0:14:24.996 longhole heroes, not from me being one myself. Even though 0:14:24.996 --> 0:14:28.476 author Pete Davis is evangelical about the counterculture of commitment, 0:14:28.796 --> 0:14:32.676 he does occasionally succumb to temptation. I'm watching movies at 0:14:32.756 --> 0:14:35.516 night with my wife and we literally can't choose since 0:14:35.556 --> 0:14:38.236 she just starts laughing to herself, like You're the biggest 0:14:38.236 --> 0:14:40.676 diffrecrit in the world, and it isn't just the trivial stuff. 0:14:41.236 --> 0:14:43.556 Pete sometimes wonders if he should devote himself to a 0:14:43.636 --> 0:14:46.676 cause other than promoting the joys of dedication. You know, 0:14:46.716 --> 0:14:48.676 I sometimes read the news and I hear about the 0:14:48.796 --> 0:14:52.876 latest important cause somewhere else. Pete preaches mindfulness during these moments. 0:14:53.196 --> 0:14:55.396 He argues that the urge to drop everything in switch 0:14:55.436 --> 0:14:58.876 Tracks usually comes down to one particular emotion, a feeling 0:14:58.916 --> 0:15:02.796 that often leads us to act irrationally. Fear. We have 0:15:02.876 --> 0:15:05.236 a fear that we're gonna wake up twenty years from 0:15:05.276 --> 0:15:09.196 now and wish we had committed to something else. But 0:15:09.196 --> 0:15:11.516 we don't just experience fear about the thing we picked. 0:15:11.996 --> 0:15:14.876 We're often even more scared about the things we don't pick. 0:15:15.276 --> 0:15:18.396 The word decide uses the same Latin root as homicide, 0:15:18.836 --> 0:15:22.036 namely to kill. When we make choices, we're terrified that 0:15:22.036 --> 0:15:24.436 we might be killing off an alternative life path full 0:15:24.476 --> 0:15:27.716 of different branches. You only live once, so you better 0:15:27.756 --> 0:15:30.196 not head down the wrong path. It's a terror that's 0:15:30.196 --> 0:15:33.436 so common it's also become a modern acronym, one that's 0:15:33.476 --> 0:15:37.196 almost as well known as yolo. It's fomo, the fear 0:15:37.196 --> 0:15:40.116 of missing out. Fomo keeps us worried that whatever great 0:15:40.156 --> 0:15:42.316 option we do pick will cause us to miss out 0:15:42.316 --> 0:15:46.436 on future opportunities for other great opportunities. This option comes 0:15:46.436 --> 0:15:49.036 with a lot of responsibilities that are going to bind 0:15:49.156 --> 0:15:52.156 my future self and prevent them from being everywhere with 0:15:52.196 --> 0:15:56.156 everyone doing everything. Pete thinks we should fight these fears, 0:15:56.676 --> 0:15:58.996 but he can also relate to the worry we experience 0:15:59.036 --> 0:16:02.236 when we make a big decision. It comes from this 0:16:02.756 --> 0:16:06.116 good place, which is that we want to treat our 0:16:06.156 --> 0:16:11.236 future selves well. And I think are just misguided about 0:16:11.316 --> 0:16:14.956 what treating your future self well should look like. As 0:16:14.956 --> 0:16:17.116 we say on the Happiness lab our, minds lie to 0:16:17.196 --> 0:16:19.076 us when it comes to what will make us happy. 0:16:19.636 --> 0:16:22.316 We assume that treating our future selves well means leaving 0:16:22.356 --> 0:16:25.156 lots of options open. We assume that the foma we 0:16:25.196 --> 0:16:28.636 experience when making a decision is an accurate psychological warning, 0:16:29.436 --> 0:16:32.356 but the science shows that we're wrong on both counts. 0:16:33.036 --> 0:16:36.276 As soon as you commit to something, two wonderful things happen. 0:16:36.516 --> 0:16:39.636 The first wonderful thing, according to Pee, is that commitments 0:16:39.716 --> 0:16:43.796 tend to take on their own momentum, so externally, the 0:16:43.796 --> 0:16:46.996 thing that you're committed to opens itself up to you more. 0:16:47.876 --> 0:16:50.996 Let's take Pete's earlier example deciding which city to live in. 0:16:51.516 --> 0:16:53.996 Let's say you finally make the choice to move to Chicago. 0:16:54.636 --> 0:16:57.196 Once you actually go to the Windy City, you'll start 0:16:57.316 --> 0:17:00.396 visiting new shops and restaurants. You'll try the famous pizza. 0:17:00.636 --> 0:17:03.476 You'll meet locals who will inevitably make you appreciate the 0:17:03.476 --> 0:17:05.596 new home you've chosen, even if you were a bit 0:17:05.636 --> 0:17:08.516 on the fence about your Chicago decision before the act 0:17:08.516 --> 0:17:11.276 of committing means you wind up learning fantastic new things 0:17:11.276 --> 0:17:14.076 about the option you picked, stuff you couldn't have known 0:17:14.156 --> 0:17:16.956 until you actually move there. And these new things will 0:17:16.996 --> 0:17:19.996 inevitably make you happier and more excited about your decision. 0:17:20.476 --> 0:17:22.996 But it's not just that the external thing that you're 0:17:23.036 --> 0:17:25.956 committed to opens itself up to you. You change on 0:17:26.276 --> 0:17:29.596 the inside as well. We often assume that our preferences 0:17:29.636 --> 0:17:32.076 are stable, that what we like and don't like doesn't 0:17:32.156 --> 0:17:34.956 change over time, But the science shows that we're prone 0:17:34.996 --> 0:17:38.916 to rationalization. We unconsciously switch up even our most basic 0:17:38.956 --> 0:17:42.076 preferences to fit the situations we find ourselves in, so 0:17:42.116 --> 0:17:44.836 that we end up feeling good about however things wound up. 0:17:45.716 --> 0:17:49.236 Rationalization is a remarkable skill. It gets a very bad name. 0:17:49.796 --> 0:17:53.396 This is Dan Gilbert, Harvard University psychologist, an author of 0:17:53.436 --> 0:17:56.956 Stumbling on Happiness. Dan's an expert on the mental gymnastics 0:17:56.956 --> 0:17:59.356 our brains go through to feel better after we've made 0:17:59.396 --> 0:18:02.236 a decision. It's really the mind doing what it ought 0:18:02.316 --> 0:18:05.596 to do and what it does best, finding alternative ways 0:18:05.636 --> 0:18:08.916 to see reality that are just as reasonable, but that 0:18:09.156 --> 0:18:11.396 help us cope and help us deal with it. We 0:18:11.516 --> 0:18:14.396 kind of smirk when we talk about rationalization. I wish 0:18:14.396 --> 0:18:17.556 there were a different word for it. Dan did, in fact, 0:18:17.596 --> 0:18:19.596 come up with a few new words to rebrand our 0:18:19.676 --> 0:18:24.996 rationalization processes. He christened them our psychological immune system. Dan's 0:18:25.036 --> 0:18:28.156 work has observed countless examples in which our psychological immune 0:18:28.156 --> 0:18:31.116 system seamlessly allows us to feel good even after we've 0:18:31.116 --> 0:18:34.876 made a crappy decision or experienced disappointing outcomes. High school 0:18:34.876 --> 0:18:37.676 students who get rejected from a college they chose immediately 0:18:37.716 --> 0:18:40.996 begin thinking about that college's weaknesses. Voters who chose a 0:18:41.076 --> 0:18:43.956 losing candidate quickly start noticing that the candidate who got 0:18:43.956 --> 0:18:46.756 elected has some strengths they may not have seen before. 0:18:47.156 --> 0:18:49.516 And participants who chose to tell a lie quickly start 0:18:49.596 --> 0:18:51.796 to believe that the act of telling white lies is 0:18:51.836 --> 0:18:55.436 totally forgivable. Dan's research shows that even when we make 0:18:55.476 --> 0:18:58.236 a bad decision, it's unlikely our minds will realize that 0:18:58.276 --> 0:19:01.116 we made a bad decision, because our psychological immune systems 0:19:01.116 --> 0:19:03.996 will be there in the background, unconsciously cushioning the blow. 0:19:04.876 --> 0:19:07.076 I think if you understand the power of the psychological 0:19:07.076 --> 0:19:10.836 immune system are remarkable ability to rationalize in the face 0:19:10.836 --> 0:19:14.636 of adversity, it makes you braver. I think there's a 0:19:14.676 --> 0:19:17.436 lesson there for all of us. That lesson is that 0:19:17.476 --> 0:19:19.516 we should probably just suck it up and commit to 0:19:19.516 --> 0:19:22.636 the person, place where career we're considering, because even if 0:19:22.636 --> 0:19:25.356 it sucks more than we expected, we won't notice the 0:19:25.396 --> 0:19:28.436 suckiness as much as our lying minds think. But Dan 0:19:28.596 --> 0:19:31.516 argues that the existence of a psychological immune system should 0:19:31.516 --> 0:19:34.476 also make us keen to make commitments generally, and that's 0:19:34.516 --> 0:19:36.956 because the act of making a decision is what turns 0:19:36.956 --> 0:19:40.236 on our psychological immune systems in the first place. It's 0:19:40.356 --> 0:19:44.076 much easier to rationalize things you're stuck with than things 0:19:44.116 --> 0:19:46.556 you can change. That's just a hard and fast rule. 0:19:47.036 --> 0:19:50.516 Nobody ever rationalizes why their rental car is the best 0:19:50.556 --> 0:19:52.876 car in the world. They just take it back. But 0:19:52.996 --> 0:19:55.356 when you buy one, you've got to convince yourself you 0:19:55.476 --> 0:19:58.716 did the right thing. Dan designed an elegant study to 0:19:58.716 --> 0:20:00.716 test the role that commitments play and turning on the 0:20:00.716 --> 0:20:03.996 psychological immune system. He gave a group of students cameras 0:20:03.996 --> 0:20:06.036 and ask them to take a bunch of meaningful photos 0:20:06.076 --> 0:20:09.036 around campus. Participants were then allowed to print out their 0:20:09.116 --> 0:20:12.356 two favorite shots, but after the photos were printed, students 0:20:12.356 --> 0:20:14.156 were told that they'd only get to keep one of 0:20:14.196 --> 0:20:16.756 the two prints. They had to make a tough decision. 0:20:17.556 --> 0:20:20.036 Half of the photographers were told that this tough decision 0:20:20.076 --> 0:20:22.996 would be permanent. The British instructor running the class would 0:20:22.996 --> 0:20:25.116 be taking whichever print they didn't choose back to his 0:20:25.156 --> 0:20:28.116 office in London, never to be seen again. But the 0:20:28.156 --> 0:20:30.916 other half of students were told that their choice was reversible. 0:20:31.356 --> 0:20:34.076 The unchosen print would remain close by on campus so 0:20:34.116 --> 0:20:37.116 they could easily change their mind. Dan was interested in 0:20:37.156 --> 0:20:39.676 which group of students wound up happiest with their decision 0:20:39.676 --> 0:20:41.876 in the end, the students who were trapped in their 0:20:41.876 --> 0:20:44.276 first choice or the ones who got to change their minds. 0:20:44.956 --> 0:20:48.196 The results were pretty striking. Students who were stuck in 0:20:48.236 --> 0:20:51.356 their decision like the photo they chose significantly more than 0:20:51.396 --> 0:20:54.476 the ones who could switch. Most of us work hard 0:20:54.636 --> 0:20:57.316 to have our options open, but this little bit of 0:20:57.316 --> 0:21:01.236 wisdom suggests that were better rationalizers when our options are closed. 0:21:01.596 --> 0:21:03.756 But who among us says I want to go shop 0:21:03.796 --> 0:21:06.396 at places that won't allow me to return the items, 0:21:06.556 --> 0:21:09.116 I want to sign up for magazine subscriptions I can't 0:21:09.156 --> 0:21:12.476 ever cancel. None of us. So we make a mistake 0:21:12.516 --> 0:21:15.436 when we design our lives with maximal freedom, because that 0:21:15.516 --> 0:21:19.156 freedom is also the freedom to keep wondering if we 0:21:19.196 --> 0:21:23.636 did the right thing. We are really good at adapting 0:21:23.676 --> 0:21:27.156 to things, but it only happens if we commit to something. 0:21:27.836 --> 0:21:30.036 Author Pete Davis says the lesson we should take from 0:21:30.116 --> 0:21:33.156 Dan Gilbert's research is that instead of feeling fomo, we 0:21:33.156 --> 0:21:36.756 should fear not committing, we should fear not dedicating ourselves 0:21:36.796 --> 0:21:40.156 long haul to specific people, places, and crafts. What you 0:21:40.276 --> 0:21:42.756 miss out on by closing those one hundred doors and 0:21:42.756 --> 0:21:46.396 settling into a room is nothing compared to what you're 0:21:46.396 --> 0:21:49.476 going to missus out on if you never settle into 0:21:49.476 --> 0:21:52.236