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Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. This is a new

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Speaker 1: weekly series that is part of my I've Never Said

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Speaker 1: This Before podcasts where I am talking about things that

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Speaker 1: I have never really publicly talked about before in hopes

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Speaker 1: that it maybe helps you and gives a new perspective

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Speaker 1: or two. And today's topic is the power of saying no. Ooh.

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Speaker 1: This is a big one. How many of you have

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Speaker 1: a hard time saying no, whether it's saying no to

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Speaker 1: a colleague, to a friend, to a lover, to anybody. No,

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Speaker 1: n oh. They are two of the hardest letters put

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Speaker 1: together by one word that are so hard to say sometimes.

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Speaker 1: And I think about my journey with saying no, and

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Speaker 1: it's evolved, it has evolved, which is why I wanted

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Speaker 1: to do this talk today. So I was always a

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Speaker 1: people pleaser growing up. I just was. I've been in

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Speaker 1: the entertainment business a long time, but I started doing

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Speaker 1: you know, modeling and acting kind of fell into a

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Speaker 1: bunch of different categories, and then I was in corporate

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Speaker 1: America running social media before I became a host. So

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Speaker 1: I've had many lives and many different professional experiences happened,

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Speaker 1: but a through line for me in my twenties was

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Speaker 1: I always wanted people to like me. I always wanted

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Speaker 1: people to feel like I was a team player and

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Speaker 1: I would do whatever they said and I wasn't difficult.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know. I think there's probably stuff to

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Speaker 1: umpact there in therapy. Maybe it's growing up gay and

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Speaker 1: wanting to be loved and liked and accepted when I

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Speaker 1: felt like so many people didn't want to love and

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Speaker 1: accept me in this world. You know there's something there,

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Speaker 1: But that's I digress. But I say that because I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of people might feel that way if

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Speaker 1: they don't feel like they belong. But anyway, I was

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Speaker 1: notorious for whatever you want, whatever you need. Sure, yes,

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Speaker 1: let's do it, even when it meant putting my feelings

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Speaker 1: aside or feeling overwhelmed or stressed or like I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to do something. I was the king of people pleasing.

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Speaker 1: And I was in a relationship in my twenties which

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Speaker 1: was a disaster, and I was always people pleasing that too.

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Speaker 1: It was never about what I wanted or needed. It

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Speaker 1: was always whatever you need. So I've come a long

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Speaker 1: way with this, and I think so many of us

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Speaker 1: need to hear this, because saying no is so damn powerful.

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Speaker 1: It's powerful because saying no means you were putting your

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Speaker 1: needs and your wants and your desires ahead of what

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Speaker 1: other people may want or need or desire you to do.

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Speaker 1: And that is really powerful. Because if something is not

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Speaker 1: gelling with you, if something doesn't feel right for you,

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Speaker 1: if you know in the bottom of your heart you

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Speaker 1: don't want to do something or be a part of something,

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Speaker 1: or it just doesn't feel like it's aligned with who

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Speaker 1: you are, you got to say no. And it is

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Speaker 1: sometimes the hardest thing to do, but I promise you,

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Speaker 1: when you say no, you feel so much freedom and power.

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Speaker 1: One of the best examples of learning to say no

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Speaker 1: for me that hopefully helps you is sometimes there are

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Speaker 1: people who will want to make a plan with you.

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Speaker 1: Let's go to dinner, let's go for drinks, come to

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Speaker 1: this event. In my world, there's always an event. There's

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Speaker 1: always an event somebody wants you to show up to.

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Speaker 1: And Tommy from I don't know a year and a

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Speaker 1: half ago even would say, oh my god, I am

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Speaker 1: so sorry I can't go to this because of X,

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Speaker 1: Y and Z, and I would give whatever the reason was,

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Speaker 1: even though the truth is it's nobody's business. Tommy in

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty five will say I'm so sorry I can't

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Speaker 1: make it. Period. Do you know how awkward and uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: that was for me to say and learn and feel

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Speaker 1: like that period At the end of that sentence, ah,

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, I want to scream

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Speaker 1: into a pillow. It was terrifying, terrifying, but it was

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Speaker 1: also freeing. It was freeing because I don't need to

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Speaker 1: give you an explanation if I can't make your event

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Speaker 1: on a Wednesday night at seven pm, I don't need

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Speaker 1: to give you an explanation if I can't do dinner,

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Speaker 1: then that you want to do dinner, because it's my life,

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Speaker 1: it's my business. And learning to just end with that

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Speaker 1: period and not continue on and say why I can't

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Speaker 1: go to something or be a part of something is

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Speaker 1: so refreshing and so real. And let me tell you,

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Speaker 1: there are plenty of things that will come up that

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Speaker 1: you'll be invited to that I'm invited to that you

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Speaker 1: just don't want to go to, and you don't need

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Speaker 1: to make an excuse. You can just simply say I'm

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Speaker 1: not available, thank you so much for the invite, I

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Speaker 1: can't make it period. Period. I love a good period

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Speaker 1: my new favorite punctuation because it puts into perspective your

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Speaker 1: needs and your wants and your desires without having to

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Speaker 1: tell anybody else what they are. That is powerful. It

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Speaker 1: is powerful to say no in that circumstance. It is

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Speaker 1: also powerful to say no with work sometimes, but to

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Speaker 1: do it in a way that is not disrespectful. That's

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Speaker 1: the caveat right. So we all get asked things in

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Speaker 1: our work environments to do that we may not want

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Speaker 1: to do, and sometimes you have to do it. Because

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Speaker 1: I'm not trying to get you all fired, So don't

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Speaker 1: be like you got me fired. Not what I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to do. But I'm trying to tell you that there

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Speaker 1: is a way to stick up for yourself if something

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Speaker 1: is outside of your work limit or your workload, or

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Speaker 1: it's not your responsibility it's a colleagues responsibility being passed

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Speaker 1: off to you. Like if there's something really intense like that,

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Speaker 1: there's a way to say, hey, you know what, I

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Speaker 1: would love to help out right now, I just can't.

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Speaker 1: I have my own things I got to take care of,

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Speaker 1: you know, And it's okay. Like learning to say no

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Speaker 1: like that is really really Okay, I'm gonna give you

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Speaker 1: an example. So in entertainment, in the world I work

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Speaker 1: in for interviews, you have producers sometimes that will suggest

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Speaker 1: questions or bosses that will really want you to get

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Speaker 1: a bite in about something you're covering on a red carpet.

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Speaker 1: And I was interviewing Ryan Reynolds for his movie The

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Speaker 1: Adam Projects and it came out a few years ago.

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Speaker 1: Jennifer Garner was in it, Mark Ruffalo, and one of

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Speaker 1: the questions somebody wanted me to ask Ryan Reynolds is,

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Speaker 1: if you could go back in time, would you not

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Speaker 1: create Green Lantern? When you not be the Green Lantern.

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Speaker 1: The history behind that question is that was a bomb

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Speaker 1: of a movie. It did terrible and in the movie

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Speaker 1: that he was currently promoting, it was about time travel.

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Speaker 1: So I saw that and I'm like, Okay, first of all,

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Speaker 1: this is just mean, Like what do you think he's

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Speaker 1: gonna say to that. You think he's gonna actually like

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Speaker 1: that question. He's gonna hate it. He might end the

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Speaker 1: interview abruptly and then we won't get anything. And it's

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Speaker 1: just not nice, Like it's not funny, it's not quirky,

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Speaker 1: it's I don't like it. I don't like it. It's

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Speaker 1: not my vibe. This person really wanted me to ask

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Speaker 1: this question, kind of dug their heels in and instead

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Speaker 1: of arguing or continuing the conversation, once I voiced that, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if this is the right time to

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Speaker 1: do this question respectfully, like there's other things that we

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Speaker 1: should do that are more interesting. I didn't respond again.

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Speaker 1: I just went and did my interview. It was an

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Speaker 1: amazing interview. It went everywhere, you know, bites were all

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Speaker 1: over the internet, and I just didn't ask it and

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Speaker 1: it was never brought up again because guess what, I

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Speaker 1: already said my view once. I don't need to get

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Speaker 1: in a fight back and forth. It's my face, my voice.

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Speaker 1: I'm the person doing the interview, and at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, if I don't like the question, I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna do it like it's coming out of my mouth,

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Speaker 1: not the person who wrote it from behind the scenes.

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Speaker 1: So that was a way to say no in my

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Speaker 1: own way without being aggressive, without being harsh. Right, it's

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Speaker 1: just putting my foot down. Whereas I don't know taught

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Speaker 1: me three years ago, may have felt the pressure to

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Speaker 1: do it, says to please the person who wrote it. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I don't want the mad at me. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: is my job in jeopardy? I don't I no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: no no. Now. There will always have to be a

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Speaker 1: little compromise. And there's again caveats to all of my

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Speaker 1: Tommy talks, which is worth saying. So you have to

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Speaker 1: pick and choo sometimes what you want to really say

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Speaker 1: no to. You can't be a no person and everything

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Speaker 1: out of your mouth is no, Like, don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 1: I can't be you either. There's got to be compromis,

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Speaker 1: there's got to be given flow. But sometimes it is

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Speaker 1: okay to say no. It's about how you do it.

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Speaker 1: It's about your delivery, it's about being kind. But it's okay.

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Speaker 1: And you don't always have to give an explanation in

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Speaker 1: the Green lantern, you know, example, I explained why I

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Speaker 1: don't think that was a good idea, So that was different.

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Speaker 1: But when I'm talking about like being asked to go

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Speaker 1: to a lunch or dinner or an event, you know,

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Speaker 1: everybody who wants you to support me at my book, launch,

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Speaker 1: my candle, launch my homeware, launch, like, you don't always

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Speaker 1: have to give an answer. It's okay. You got to

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Speaker 1: take care of you. You have to take care of you.

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Speaker 1: There's so much power in saying no. And I also

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Speaker 1: feel like saying no freeze you up to do the

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Speaker 1: things that really matter in life. Like if you're feeling

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Speaker 1: stretched thin, if you're feeling overworked, if you're feeling tired,

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Speaker 1: guess what you need to save the free time you

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Speaker 1: have to invest in the things you want to invest

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Speaker 1: in and the people you want to invest in. It

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Speaker 1: is hard enough seeing our closest friends all the time.

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Speaker 1: Because life takes you in a million different ways. It's hard.

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Speaker 1: So if I do have free time, that's what I

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Speaker 1: want to do. I don't want to be somewhere that's

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Speaker 1: not serving me. I think about it this way sometimes too.

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Speaker 1: I think, Okay, if I go to this event or

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Speaker 1: this dinner or whatever, am I going for me? Or

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Speaker 1: am I going for someone else? Like am I getting

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Speaker 1: equally as much out of this as they are? Or

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Speaker 1: am I not? Like? Am I just a name on

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Speaker 1: a list that they're gonna check off and say, oh,

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Speaker 1: look who came to the event, this person who works

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Speaker 1: in this field and has these followers? Or is it

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Speaker 1: genuine right? Like I'm about genuine real connection, and I

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Speaker 1: think that's something also that the word no opens you

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Speaker 1: up to it lets you focus on the things that

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Speaker 1: truly matter in life. Life is so freakin' fast. It

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Speaker 1: is so fast. I am thirty nine, I feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm eighteen. Like, how in the world am I turning

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Speaker 1: forty next year? What the actual fuck? Okay? Like, and

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Speaker 1: by the way, I'm not afraid I bring it on.

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Speaker 1: I love it. I feel like I'm just entering my prime.

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Speaker 1: So like, let's go. But you gotta enjoy the life

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Speaker 1: you have and make it the most that you want

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Speaker 1: it to be. It goes so fast. So saying no

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Speaker 1: frees you up to do the things you want to do,

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Speaker 1: lets you stick to your morals and values more. It

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Speaker 1: makes you have time and space and energy for the

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Speaker 1: people that truly, truly, truly fulfill your cup. And They're like,

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Speaker 1: there are people in my life who are newer friends

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Speaker 1: or like, you know, not super close friends, but who

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Speaker 1: I genuinely really like and I would love to grab

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Speaker 1: a bite with or do something with if I have

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Speaker 1: a free minute. So that's why you have to make

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Speaker 1: time for the people that matter. And I just hope

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Speaker 1: that if you're a people pleaser. You can start learning

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Speaker 1: to say no a little bit more because it will

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Speaker 1: free you up from magical, magical things. So the power

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Speaker 1: of no. Enter it in your mind, put in your vocabulary.

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Speaker 1: Let's go, and the next time you say no, I

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Speaker 1: want you to think, thank you, Tommy, thank you, because

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Speaker 1: now I am stepping into my era of we are

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Speaker 1: doing what is right for us. Okay, let's go. I've

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Speaker 1: Never Said This Before is hosted by Me, Tommy Diderio.

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Speaker 1: This podcast is executive produced by Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio

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Speaker 1: and by Me Tommy, with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've

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Speaker 1: Never Said This Before is part of the Elvis Duran podcast.

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Speaker 1: Now work on iHeart Podcasts for more rate review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe to our show and if you liked this episode,

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Speaker 1: tell your friends. Until next time, I'm Tommy Diderio