Speaker 1: The aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama and
Speaker 1: most chaos in our life are the most hated aspects
Speaker 1: are actually the parts of us that are working so
Speaker 1: hard to protect us.
Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you
Speaker 2: come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's guest
Speaker 2: is one of my dear friends, one of my favorites,
Speaker 2: and someone that is so deeply important to me. And
Speaker 2: I'll tell you about something special in a second. Today's
Speaker 2: guest is the one and only Gabrielle Bernstein, number one
Speaker 2: New York Times best selling author on multiple occasions, spiritual
Speaker 2: teacher and speaker, known for making personal growth accessible and practical.
Speaker 2: Gabby has written multiple New York Times best selling books,
Speaker 2: including The Universe Has Your Back. Her latest book, though
Speaker 2: Self Help, brings internal family systems therapy into everyday life.
Speaker 2: If you have no idea what that is, I promise
Speaker 2: you it is going to change your life. Stick around
Speaker 2: for this episode because Gabby is a lead reading voice
Speaker 2: on wellness stages around the world and continues to inspire
Speaker 2: millions through her talks, courses, and online community. Please welcome
Speaker 2: my dear friend, Gabby Bernstein. Gabby it's so great to
Speaker 2: have you back. I love that we were just talking
Speaker 2: about how the first time we met was literally nine
Speaker 2: years ago to a couple of weeks from now, and
Speaker 2: I remember I had just launched this brand new show
Speaker 2: at Half Post called Follow the Reader. You were at
Speaker 2: the top of our booking list. You said yes, and
Speaker 2: I must have interviewed you in my second week at
Speaker 2: the job, yep, and we became instant friends. You became
Speaker 2: such a dear mentor someone that I turned to for advice.
Speaker 2: And I'm so grateful to you because from day one,
Speaker 2: when I literally had nothing to offer you, you were supportive, kind, helpful.
Speaker 2: You're the real deal. And I love saying that about
Speaker 2: people because it's very rare. So thank you and thank
Speaker 2: you for being here.
Speaker 1: I walked out of that interview and I looked at
Speaker 1: my publicist and I said to her, first, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be friends with that guy, Like that guy's my friend,
Speaker 1: and second I'm like he's a superstar. I was like,
Speaker 1: just watch this career blow up and here we are.
Speaker 2: So I love you, so grateful, and I'm so grateful
Speaker 2: you put this book together. Because my wife actually interview
Speaker 2: her on her podcasts and the first thing she said
Speaker 2: to me, she was like, oh my gosh, I had
Speaker 2: no idea what internal family systems is, and I have
Speaker 2: no idea how powerful it was until I spoke to
Speaker 2: Gabby and she was raving about it, like she couldn't.
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I love Gabby obviously, but she couldn't.
Speaker 2: It was something that really impacted her. And I think
Speaker 2: that's what this book has done. I think that's what
Speaker 2: you sharing of IFS has done. Please for all of
Speaker 2: us who may not be familiar with it. What is
Speaker 2: Internal family systems therapy, How does it work, and what's
Speaker 2: the goal?
Speaker 1: Internal Family systems therapy, which is also known as IFS,
Speaker 1: is the therapy that changed my life. And it is
Speaker 1: a practice of befriending the act of parts of ourselves,
Speaker 1: the aspects of ourselves that often we might like the
Speaker 1: least so the parts of ourselves that can be hyper
Speaker 1: vigilant or addicted or extreme in any way, or the
Speaker 1: belief systems and patterns that hold us back from what
Speaker 1: we really want. Oftentimes we want to just shut those
Speaker 1: parts of ourselves down right, Oh I hate that part
Speaker 1: of myself, or I don't want to be there again,
Speaker 1: or how did I end up in that situation again?
Speaker 1: It's about befriending those parts of ourselves and healing and
Speaker 1: accessing this relationship to these parts rather than making them
Speaker 1: bad or wrong, but starting to get into relationship with
Speaker 1: these aspects of ourselves, because really, Jay, they're just little
Speaker 1: children inside you.
Speaker 2: Saying that, I mean, hearing that just now has literally
Speaker 2: given me goosebumps because it's so profound, because I feel
Speaker 2: like most of our self help efforts, or most of
Speaker 2: our self work efforts as of now, are all about
Speaker 2: never feeling that way again exactly. So It's like, how
Speaker 2: do I never the feel anxious ever again? How do
Speaker 2: I completely block out the inner critic? How do I
Speaker 2: never experience this ever again? In my life?
Speaker 1: You're nailing it pretty much. What happens is is as
Speaker 1: young children, we have these experiences of trauma with a
Speaker 1: big tea or trauma with a small tea. We all
Speaker 1: have them. It doesn't matter how big or small. We've
Speaker 1: all had them. Maybe you were bullied on the playground,
Speaker 1: or maybe you had extreme trauma like an abuse or
Speaker 1: a parent that was alcoholic, no matter what that moment
Speaker 1: in time was as a child, or multiple moments in time,
Speaker 1: those experiences of feeling terror or unlovable or inadequate, not
Speaker 1: good enough, those were such extreme feelings that we would
Speaker 1: do whatever it took to protect against them. Just like
Speaker 1: you said, I never want to feel that again. So
Speaker 1: what we did was you start to build up protection mechanisms.
Speaker 1: And those protection mechanisms could be like controlling, or they
Speaker 1: could be people pleasing or perfectionism, or in my case,
Speaker 1: control was a big one age or then addiction. And
Speaker 1: these protection mechanisms become these aspects of ourselves that really
Speaker 1: run the show. They're called protector parts, and so in IFS,
Speaker 1: the whole intention is to start to get to know
Speaker 1: these protector parts, soften to them, recognize them, and these
Speaker 1: protection mechanisms that we've been living with for as long
Speaker 1: as we can remember, to recognize them as young little
Speaker 1: children inside who need the care of our inner self,
Speaker 1: of our higher self. And that's what in IFS is
Speaker 1: called self, which is why the book is called self help.
Speaker 1: And I mean go on and on about the inner
Speaker 1: workings of self help, which we'll do today. But really
Speaker 1: my intention with this book, Jay, was to democratize and
Speaker 1: demystify and simplify this extraordinary therapy that my friend, doctor
Speaker 1: Richard Schwartz created, and I went on to be trained
Speaker 1: in the model, and after doing the therapy for a
Speaker 1: decade for myself with my own therapist and then getting
Speaker 1: trained in it, it was very clear to me that
Speaker 1: I was going to do what I do, which is
Speaker 1: translate and simplify, and that's what this is. This is
Speaker 1: a self help practice based on the principles of IFS.
Speaker 2: It's so counterintuitive to what I think we've been told
Speaker 2: for so long, and so it takes a second. But
Speaker 2: you said something at the start of the interview a
Speaker 2: few moments ago about how it actually changed your life
Speaker 2: and what was it that took you and drew you
Speaker 2: to IFS. How did that come to be in your life,
Speaker 2: and where were you at in your life when this
Speaker 2: became something that was relevant for you.
Speaker 1: It was a real accident. I didn't know that it
Speaker 1: was there. I was with the same therapist for about
Speaker 1: seven stepond or eight years, and midway through my therapy,
Speaker 1: I actually remembered in a dream trauma from my childhood,
Speaker 1: extreme trauma, big T trauma. In that journey of undoing
Speaker 1: that trauma, she began practicing IFS with me I didn't
Speaker 1: know that we were doing it. I just was doing
Speaker 1: the thing that she wanted me to do. And it's
Speaker 1: actually really hard for me to do at the time,
Speaker 1: because she was wanting me to start to tap into
Speaker 1: these aspects of myself and start to get to know,
Speaker 1: get into relationship with the addict or the anxiety, or
Speaker 1: the extreme patterns of rage or the controller, which were
Speaker 1: all protection mechanisms that had been blocking me from remembering
Speaker 1: that trauma. And I remember it was about twenty twenty.
Speaker 1: I was at home, as we all were, and I'm
Speaker 1: watching this YouTube video with this man, doctor Richard Schwartz.
Speaker 1: I just stumbled upon it, and I'm watching this video
Speaker 1: and I'm like, this guy's talking about this therapy he created.
Speaker 1: And as I'm hearing him talk about it, I'm realizing
Speaker 1: that's the thing I've been doing for all these years
Speaker 1: with my therapist. And it was so exciting to me.
Speaker 1: And it was just around the time that I was
Speaker 1: starting my own podcast, so I reached out to him
Speaker 1: and he was one of the third people I had
Speaker 1: on the show because it was just my mission to
Speaker 1: uncover as much as I could about this therapy that
Speaker 1: was really healing me. And then Dick really encouraged me
Speaker 1: to go on and get the training, and so as
Speaker 1: one of the last people to be able to do
Speaker 1: the facilitator training, that isn't a therapist, it isn't a
Speaker 1: licensed therapist. So it was definitely divinely time. And I
Speaker 1: think when you get trained in something and you know this,
Speaker 1: when you do the training and you undergo what it
Speaker 1: would mean to be a facilitator of that work, it
Speaker 1: starts to get into your system in a way that
Speaker 1: it benefits you even more. I think we borrow the
Speaker 1: benefits as teachers. We start to experience the work in
Speaker 1: a different way, becomes so integrated, and that accelerated my
Speaker 1: experience of IFS, which then made me realize, you know,
Speaker 1: I can't just expect that everyone's going to be able
Speaker 1: to get to this therapy because they won't be able
Speaker 1: to afford it, or there's not enough therapists out there,
Speaker 1: or they won't even know that it's there. So I've
Speaker 1: got to make it easy and accessible for people to use.
Speaker 1: And particularly right now, people need resources and they need
Speaker 1: tools to access on the fly, and we need an
Speaker 1: inner sense of safety inside.
Speaker 2: So where do people stop to start?
Speaker 1: You have to just first recognize that there are parts
Speaker 1: of yourself that are activated to just you know, if
Speaker 1: you've ever said something like, there's a part of me
Speaker 1: it gets really angry and rageful when my wife does X,
Speaker 1: or a part of me checks out when I'm around
Speaker 1: my parents, or a part of me is really defensive
Speaker 1: at work when I'm around authority. Figures those parts of
Speaker 1: yourself are not who you are, they are parts of
Speaker 1: who you are, and they're protection mechanisms. And so having
Speaker 1: this experience of being the witness without any judgment of
Speaker 1: these aspects of yourself that may actually be aspects of
Speaker 1: yourself that you've really judged and really hated for a
Speaker 1: long time. But being that non judgmental witness of these
Speaker 1: parts of yourself and recognizing how long has that part
Speaker 1: been around every time you're going to say as long
Speaker 1: as I can remember, since I was a kid, since
Speaker 1: I was five, and then asking yourself, Okay, well, what
Speaker 1: is that part really trying to do here? It's trying
Speaker 1: to protect you. And so that's the first step is
Speaker 1: to recognize that the aspects of ourselves that cause the
Speaker 1: most drama and most chaos in our life or the
Speaker 1: most oftentimes hated aspects are actually the parts of us
Speaker 1: that are working so hard to protect us. And you know,
Speaker 1: I've been sober now twenty years, twenty years right now,
Speaker 1: and I can look back at the cocaine addict part
Speaker 1: at twenty five years old and just look at her
Speaker 1: with so much love and so much compassion and just
Speaker 1: say thank you for working so hard to keep down
Speaker 1: these impermissible feelings that I was not ready to face.
Speaker 2: So it starts by spotting a pattern, yeah, that you
Speaker 2: see repeated that you don't like about yourself.
Speaker 1: A belief, maybe a belief, a pattern, a behavior that
Speaker 1: you find to be extreme in some way that's causing
Speaker 1: some issues in your life or oftentimes the parts of ourselves.
Speaker 1: And I'll just give a bunch of examples. So for me,
Speaker 1: the controller, we have the anxiety, the addict. There is
Speaker 1: a part that I named called knives out, and it
Speaker 1: was really like, if you mess with me, knives are
Speaker 1: coming out. And she's a really unburdened part. Now that
Speaker 1: part is doing okay, But for a long time it
Speaker 1: was like I could be the greatest person, but if
Speaker 1: you messed with me, it's just like this defensiveness was
Speaker 1: going to just come out in such an extreme way,
Speaker 1: and even parts of ourselves that might be praised. For example,
Speaker 1: for years, I was just sort of a workaholic, and
Speaker 1: people would be like, wow, Gabby, you write a book
Speaker 1: a year and you're doing so much, and you'd be
Speaker 1: praised for these aspects of yourself, But meanwhile it was
Speaker 1: destroying me. And you've known me through that time. You've
Speaker 1: seen me through those sort of destructive eras of my
Speaker 1: life where I was just pounding and grinding, I was running,
Speaker 1: I was protecting against deep feelings that I wasn't ready
Speaker 1: to face. And so these aspects might not necessarily be
Speaker 1: perceived as bad, but they're causing and creating chaos nonetheless.
Speaker 1: And the thing that's really important for me about this
Speaker 1: work is that it's very spiritual work. And as you know,
Speaker 1: all my work up to this point has been really
Speaker 1: grounded in spiritual beliefs and faith and my own faith
Speaker 1: and my own truth around my spiritual practic this. But
Speaker 1: what's gorgeous about this is it's really marrying therapeutic processes
Speaker 1: with a spiritual experience. And I can get to that
Speaker 1: that's what self is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, let's talk about that. I mean, I was
Speaker 2: going to ask you that you're saying a lot of
Speaker 2: these protection mechanisms they ultimately bury this self.
Speaker 1: They are blocking that's right, yes, Because there's this beautiful
Speaker 1: quote by IFS practitioner, and I'll just i'll share it.
Speaker 1: It's that self is like the sun behind the clouds,
Speaker 1: and when the clouds dissipate, the sun begins to emerge naturally.
Speaker 1: So you've had anyone watching has had experience. Anyone listening
Speaker 1: or watching has had experiences of self, those moments when
Speaker 1: you're just in complete flow, when you're playing pickleball with Lewis,
Speaker 1: when you're cooking with Roddy, when you're you're you're in
Speaker 1: self right now, you looked me in the eye before
Speaker 1: this at this show started, you asked me one of
Speaker 1: the most beautiful questions. I almost started crying before we began.
Speaker 1: That's your self energy, it's calm, it's courageous, it's curious,
Speaker 1: it's connected, it's clear, creative, I think I said, and
Speaker 1: confident is these sea quality, compassionate and it's almost an
Speaker 1: oftentimes very childlike wonder. It's just just. And the reason actually,
Speaker 1: I think that you're such an excellent interviewer is because
Speaker 1: you interview with a lot of self, the curiosity, the connection, clarity,
Speaker 1: you know, that's also what comes through. That's what people
Speaker 1: feel even healed in the presence of self, and so
Speaker 1: that self energy all of us have, but we blocked it.
Speaker 1: We've blocked it with all these protectors. But the good
Speaker 1: news is it never left us.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's what you're saying. We've all had these glimpses, yes,
Speaker 2: of our compassionate self, our creative self, our kind self. Yes,
Speaker 2: And you're so right that all of our triggers blocked that.
Speaker 2: Even I was thinking about this just how trying to
Speaker 2: think of someone who spoke to the other day, who
Speaker 2: you could tell there was this almost fight inside.
Speaker 1: Of them where their.
Speaker 2: Insecurity about something was unlocking their ego, when in reality
Speaker 2: they wanted to follow their higher self and be compassionate.
Speaker 2: And I think that's what we all go through. I
Speaker 2: think the truth is Gaby that and we can both
Speaker 2: speak to this. You've done this work for so long
Speaker 2: now in helping so many millions of people across the world.
Speaker 2: People are exhausted right now, and doing this work requires
Speaker 2: a lot of effort and energy and time and courage.
Speaker 2: How do people bring themselves to actually do this, to
Speaker 2: unlock their self when it just feels like it's so
Speaker 2: far blocked and it's so far removed, and we feel
Speaker 2: so far away from feeling that creative, compassionate, powerful self
Speaker 2: that we all have and that we will are well.
Speaker 1: I think if someone's coming to this with that energy
Speaker 1: of I don't have time for this, or this is
Speaker 1: too much, or I'd ask that person, well, how is
Speaker 1: it all working out for you this way? Because we
Speaker 1: think it's hard, We think that self help practices are hard,
Speaker 1: or spiritual practice is hard, But the truth is is
Speaker 1: that not having that foundation is much more difficult. And
Speaker 1: not having that foundation in this critical time, this is
Speaker 1: a very critical time. If we don't have a faith
Speaker 1: of our own understanding, or a therapeutic or a spiritual
Speaker 1: or self help practice of our own understanding, or a
Speaker 1: tool of accessing some kind of interconnection to inner wisdom, inspiration,
Speaker 1: intuition in our guidance. If we don't have that right now,
Speaker 1: we're going to be like a fish out of water.
Speaker 1: We're going to be flailing around. We're going to feel
Speaker 1: really unstable, really uncertain, really anxious, and really scared. And
Speaker 1: I think that's most people right now, anyone watching or
Speaker 1: listening you to this interview, is on the track of
Speaker 1: wanting more. So they've already begun the first step. They
Speaker 1: would not be following you if they weren't interested in
Speaker 1: seeking their ability to self soothe, to self correct, to
Speaker 1: feel a sense of safety inside. So they're already ninety
Speaker 1: percent of the way there because they're listening. But the
Speaker 1: practice that I've created, that I've outlined here is taking
Speaker 1: this big body of work that does oftentimes feel like
Speaker 1: a lot to go into therapy every single week, to
Speaker 1: sit down, to open up to some of those deepest,
Speaker 1: most vulnerable parts of ourselves. And so this is really
Speaker 1: a way to scratch the surface and to do it
Speaker 1: safely because I'm not going to those exiled parts and
Speaker 1: not going to that little traumatized child. We're going to
Speaker 1: the day to day mechanism.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And it's a.
Speaker 1: Four step practice. It's a simple four stet practice.
Speaker 2: So what do we do once we've identified this pattern, Yes,
Speaker 2: whether it's anxiety, people pleasing, avoidance control, what do you
Speaker 2: then do once you've found this pattern that has been
Speaker 2: a protector but ultimately is the block of himself?
Speaker 1: Yeah? So these patterns are the way that we check out.
Speaker 1: And so the practice in the book is called the
Speaker 1: four step check in process, and it's checking in with
Speaker 1: the part and so the if you have enough space
Speaker 1: between that stimulus and the reaction. So let's say you
Speaker 1: are at work and your boss triggers you, and you're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I got to get out of this office right now,
Speaker 1: and I got to go into the bathroom, and I
Speaker 1: got to check in with myself because otherwise I'm going
Speaker 1: to do something I'm gonna regret. So you step away,
Speaker 1: or you typically stepping away is very valuable, or you
Speaker 1: maybe the next day you want to check in because
Speaker 1: it's still lingery. You get out of the instant of
Speaker 1: the trigger, and then you choose to check in instead
Speaker 1: of check out. So it's focusing your attention inward as
Speaker 1: the first step just looking inside, just even closing your
Speaker 1: eyes and focusing your attention inside. The second step is curiosity.
Speaker 1: So that's where you start to just tease it out
Speaker 1: a little bit and you'll say, Okay, where does that
Speaker 1: part of me live in my body? Where do I
Speaker 1: feel it? And you'll notice it's in my jar, or
Speaker 1: it's in my stomach or my chest or my shoulders
Speaker 1: or wherever it lives. You'll ask a few more questions,
Speaker 1: are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached with
Speaker 1: this belief or pattern, And then you'll hear you know
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, or you know I can, or
Speaker 1: maybe you'll have an image. You know, I see myself
Speaker 1: and I'm five years old and the bully on the
Speaker 1: playground is yelling at me, or whatever that storyline was,
Speaker 1: and or you know, my dad just left or whatever
Speaker 1: the experience. Maybe you'll see the image or you'll hear words.
Speaker 1: So you just keep teasing it out, just noticing thoughts, feeling, sensations,
Speaker 1: what's happening inside. And once you have a little bit
Speaker 1: of connection, remember that self, you're going to connect deeper
Speaker 1: with compassion, which is the third step, and you're going
Speaker 1: to ask the part not yourself. You're asking the part
Speaker 1: of the activated part of you, what do you need?
Speaker 1: And Jay, it'll be blown away. The part will say
Speaker 1: I need to dance, I need to rest, I need
Speaker 1: to play. Because what do these parts need? They need
Speaker 1: to be kids again, they need to return to that
Speaker 1: natural role of being innocent, or I need love. And
Speaker 1: then once you have that third step. The fourth step
Speaker 1: is very easy, and it's really checking for self. So
Speaker 1: you're going to check in for those c qualities. Do
Speaker 1: I feel calm? Do I feel more compassionate? Do I
Speaker 1: feel connected? Do I have some clarity? Do I feel
Speaker 1: a little courageous to have creative energy buzzying inside of me?
Speaker 1: Oftentimes you'll very quickly feel calmer, you feel some courage
Speaker 1: and clarity is a big one that comes through quickly too.
Speaker 1: And so those four steps rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
Speaker 1: And I've prescribed this. I've looked at my audiences and
Speaker 1: I've said, okay, listen, what about one minute a day?
Speaker 1: Four steps is bothering you? And everyone's like, nothing, I
Speaker 1: can do that. And so that's it, one minute a
Speaker 1: day steps. Because the thing is, once you do this
Speaker 1: one time, then you can realize, oh wait, I can
Speaker 1: do this maybe in an hour from now, or I
Speaker 1: can do it before I'm going to bed when I'm
Speaker 1: having anxiety, or I can do it after that deep
Speaker 1: conversation with my partner that really activated me. I can
Speaker 1: keep coming back to this really simply without feeling like
Speaker 1: it's a burden. It can be as little or as
Speaker 1: much as you want. But I've always taught as a
Speaker 1: metaphysical teacher that the miracles that we experience in our
Speaker 1: life for the experiences when we change the way we
Speaker 1: experience something, not that the things outside of us change,
Speaker 1: but that our experience of our experience changes, and that's
Speaker 1: what this will offer.
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Speaker 2: store near you. What I really appreciate about it is
Speaker 2: that we're going back to being guided from within, yes,
Speaker 2: And I feel that's somewhere where we've lost in society,
Speaker 2: where it's constantly been or your parents taught, or your
Speaker 2: friend's thought, or your family thinks. Now what social media thinks,
Speaker 2: and we're so overexposed to everyone else's opinion, and it's
Speaker 2: so common for us to ask questions about what we
Speaker 2: should do with our life in the group chat, you know,
Speaker 2: trying to get someone else's opinion to give us the answer.
Speaker 2: And I think we've lost the ability to understand that
Speaker 2: all of the answers are right there within if we
Speaker 2: were simply to sit with ourselves. Your body will tell
Speaker 2: you, your heart will tell you, your mind will tell tell you.
Speaker 2: And this practice really allows you to do that again.
Speaker 2: So it's not like here's a fix it orld situation.
Speaker 2: It will tell you something different every time when someone
Speaker 2: does it for the first time, How can they do
Speaker 2: it in a way that they have an experience where
Speaker 2: they get a taste that it's real. Because I think
Speaker 2: when we hear these things and you know what the
Speaker 2: truth is today, I've been thinking about this a lot,
Speaker 2: and you're you're the right person to ask this because
Speaker 2: you've shared so many great pieces of advice over the years.
Speaker 2: I feel everyone knows what they have to do, but
Speaker 2: we don't actually do it properly, and so we never
Speaker 2: have the qualitative experience that convinces us we should keep
Speaker 2: doing it. Whereas when you've had that qualitative experience, whether
Speaker 2: it's an amazing meditation, whether it's the four step practice,
Speaker 2: once you've had that qualitative experience and you've felt the impact,
Speaker 2: you'll do it again and again and again. But the
Speaker 2: first time, how can someone really lock in the first
Speaker 2: time they do this.
Speaker 1: Self begets more self. So the first way to step
Speaker 1: in is to look at your life and ask yourself,
Speaker 1: is this what I want? Is this it? I think
Speaker 1: that those are really magic words.
Speaker 2: Is this?
Speaker 1: It? Is this all I've got here? I want more
Speaker 1: than this? Even just saying I want to change, I
Speaker 1: want more. Everyone listening is in some way, shape or form,
Speaker 1: wanting some aspect of change. And that desire is there,
Speaker 1: and that desire wouldn't be planted in your heart if
Speaker 1: it wasn't ready to come forth, if it wasn't ready
Speaker 1: to be birthed. So I think that that's the responsibility
Speaker 1: that we have to give ourselves, is to ask ourselves,
Speaker 1: you know, this is that beautiful Mary Oliver quote. If
Speaker 1: this is our one simple life? Is I'm batching it?
Speaker 1: But this is this one beautiful life that we have?
Speaker 1: And am I going to take it to the max?
Speaker 1: Am I going to live to the highest and the best?
Speaker 1: And that's one question, And that's one place to come
Speaker 1: to this or the other place that there may be
Speaker 1: people listening that are hitting a massive bottom in their life.
Speaker 1: And for those folks, Jay, it's going to be a
Speaker 1: lot easier to pick up this book and start a
Speaker 1: lot easier because when we are there's that beautiful roomy quote.
Speaker 1: The wound is the place where the light enters you.
Speaker 1: When you are in that moment of hitting some kind
Speaker 1: of bottom, or you're having that that addiction come to
Speaker 1: an end, or you're in the divorce, or you're having
Speaker 1: a crisis at work, or you've lost the job, or
Speaker 1: you've gotten the diagnosis. Those are the moments when the
Speaker 1: light enters you. So the question you want to ask
Speaker 1: yourself is am I willing to do whatever it takes
Speaker 1: to get to great? Am I willing to do whatever
Speaker 1: it takes to feel great? And that's the path I've
Speaker 1: been on. I've been on. I want to get to great.
Speaker 1: I've lived through a lot of a lot of different
Speaker 1: difficult experiences, as all of us have, and I've just
Speaker 1: been on a pursuit of feeling great. This is and
Speaker 1: this this interesting thing that I heard in a twelve
Speaker 1: set meeting early in my recovery was if they want,
Speaker 1: if you want what they have, do what they do.
Speaker 1: So sometimes that's just enough to be listening and be like, well,
Speaker 1: Jay Jay and Roddy did that, you know? Or you know,
Speaker 1: if you want what they have, do what they do.
Speaker 1: There's a reason that somebody is in And when I
Speaker 1: say what they have, I don't mean the external things,
Speaker 1: I mean the inner piece. If you want what they have,
Speaker 1: do what they do. And the thing that happens that
Speaker 1: you said that was also quite interesting, is that why
Speaker 1: this is a spiritual practice. It's because when you start
Speaker 1: to reflect inside and start to tend to these protection mechanisms,
Speaker 1: these burdened parts, they start to feel seen, like what
Speaker 1: do child? What does a child need? Child needs to
Speaker 1: be seen, soothed, loved, cared, common, compassionate energy. So it
Speaker 1: starts to feel like you have this internal parent inside
Speaker 1: and you realize, as Dick Schwartz says, that you are
Speaker 1: the one you've been waiting for, that all of the
Speaker 1: external validation or love or connection or support, all that
Speaker 1: outside stuff that you've been seeking to find completion and
Speaker 1: safety is actually inside of you. And I know that's
Speaker 1: something that people always say in spiritual you'll really experience
Speaker 1: that with this what's the balance do you think, Gabi
Speaker 1: of how much external validation and how much self validation
Speaker 1: we need?
Speaker 2: Like does external validation play any part in our ability
Speaker 2: to self validate? Or do you believe it's a full
Speaker 2: self validation process and external validation is should be irrelevant
Speaker 2: at some point.
Speaker 1: I can really speak for my own experience. The more
Speaker 1: self I've accessed inside, the more self connection I have
Speaker 1: to that inner parent, that inner wisdom. The less external
Speaker 1: validation I need. I don't need it and I don't
Speaker 1: a human so it's not like I know, honestly, Jay,
Speaker 1: I don't really think I need it. I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I'm grasping or looking or needing. And I think
Speaker 1: the other irony is that the more self that you
Speaker 1: have access to, the more self you attract. So the
Speaker 1: more calm, connected, compassionate energy you bring into your life,
Speaker 1: so you do get that love and that connection because
Speaker 1: you are always receiving back what you are vibrating out.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And so the more you access self, the more you
Speaker 1: the more you become that point of attraction for more
Speaker 1: self in your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah. No, I love the answer because I've been talking
Speaker 2: to a lot of friends about that recently, about this
Speaker 2: idea of if you have the power to self validate
Speaker 2: and self to soothe and self regulate and honor your
Speaker 2: hard work and intensity, then you won't crave it from others.
Speaker 2: And what I was explaining to someone was that any
Speaker 2: time I've wanted someone to validate me externally, they can
Speaker 2: never fully satisfy my need for it because they haven't
Speaker 2: lived my life, and in this same way, I haven't
Speaker 2: lived theirs, so I can't validate them effectively either, because
Speaker 2: I haven't been up with them on those sleepless nights.
Speaker 2: I haven't gone through the trauma that they've gone through.
Speaker 2: And so even if I'm to say, well done, you
Speaker 2: did great, that's amazing, it will still never fully satiate
Speaker 2: their desire for validation, because, as you just quoted Dick Schwartz,
Speaker 2: that you're the one you've been waiting for. It's only
Speaker 2: when I sit with myself and I cry at the
Speaker 2: thought of everything I've been through and honor myself for
Speaker 2: every way I've showed up for myself, whether it's my body,
Speaker 2: my mind, my heart, and my soul, that's the only
Speaker 2: time when I'll actually be satisfied. And I've noticed that
Speaker 2: again and again, so I completely agree with you. The
Speaker 2: point isn't that I don't appreciate external validation. I do.
Speaker 2: The point isn't that I'm not inspired when I'm validated externally.
Speaker 2: I am. But the only type of validation that really
Speaker 2: really like affects me deep in my heart, and my
Speaker 2: gout is when it's coming from me. That's right, because
Speaker 2: I have all the details. I have the record books,
Speaker 2: I have the files and the notes on every difficult
Speaker 2: moment I've been through, just as you do for yourself.
Speaker 1: We are the ones we've been waiting for. I had
Speaker 1: the experience just yehsterday, a really epic experience where I
Speaker 1: was My Sonny is a six and a half years
Speaker 1: old now, and so we belong to this really sweet
Speaker 1: lake club in our community in the countryside, and it's
Speaker 1: like nineteen fifties and there's these docks and grills and
Speaker 1: it's kind of like the dirty or your sweatpants are
Speaker 1: the bed the cooler you are there, and clay tennis
Speaker 1: courts and it's just really adylic and my kids at
Speaker 1: the age now where he can just like run around
Speaker 1: and do his thing, and I'm and he's a great swimmer,
Speaker 1: and I'm not stressed out about what's going on, so
Speaker 1: I'm like, go do you man, And I'm sitting on
Speaker 1: the dock by myself. My husband was out for a drive.
Speaker 1: I'm sitting I just played some tennis. I'm sitting on
Speaker 1: the dock. I've got this new book in my hand,
Speaker 1: I'm in my you know, my red bathing suit. I've
Speaker 1: got my iced coffee next to me. It's like like
Speaker 1: there's like it's dirty all over the dog, but I
Speaker 1: didn't care. And I was just sitting there on this
Speaker 1: like cozy chair and I'm looking at the water and
Speaker 1: I had this incredible energy just pour through me. This
Speaker 1: energy was just like just spirit. It was spirit coming through.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's the way I would just define this.
Speaker 1: And this just self energy just so connected, so in
Speaker 1: the moment, so present, there wasn't anything else that I
Speaker 1: was thinking about or trying to get to or trying
Speaker 1: to do, and it was just this moment of whoa,
Speaker 1: this is what we've been training for. It just flood
Speaker 1: in and that isn't a fleeting moment. That's how we
Speaker 1: can live our lives. We can live not all day.
Speaker 1: Every day. We're going to be in self. We're going
Speaker 1: to get activated, We're going to get triggered. The best
Speaker 1: of us are going to get triggered. But it's the
Speaker 1: trigger has become less less. What one was years would
Speaker 1: be days or minutes or five seconds, and we start
Speaker 1: to access more of that presence and that taste of
Speaker 1: that energy, that self energy, you want more of it.
Speaker 1: And also I think that there's this thing I always
Speaker 1: call spiritual proof when you have an experience of something
Speaker 1: where you say, oh my god, I just did that
Speaker 1: four step thing and I actually feel a little bit calmer.
Speaker 1: And Gaby said, all I need is to be a
Speaker 1: little bit calmer, and then I've done the job.
Speaker 2: I've done this.
Speaker 1: If I even feel the slightest molecule of self, I've
Speaker 1: done the work. That experience of that molecule of self
Speaker 1: is something you crave. You want more of it. It's
Speaker 1: like going to the gym, you want more of it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, to keep practicing it. Yeah, What's one of the
Speaker 2: ways people experience a protector or a trigger is self
Speaker 2: judgment and self criticism in a critic, how do you
Speaker 2: even reconcile the fact that self judgment is a protector
Speaker 2: in some way?
Speaker 1: Self judgment is a huge protector. Actually wrote a book
Speaker 1: called Judgment Detox. Yeah, a little bit ahead of myself there,
Speaker 1: because it's very much what this work is about.
Speaker 2: It.
Speaker 1: It's judgment is a way of judging ourselves is definitely
Speaker 1: a protector because if there is something big, too uncomfortable
Speaker 1: to access, that's being activated feelings of being inadequate, unlovable.
Speaker 1: We are going to do anything we can to numb
Speaker 1: that pain. So one we're going to judge others so
Speaker 1: we don't have to feel the pain inside. Or two
Speaker 1: will judge ourselves, start nitpicking and judging ourselves because it's
Speaker 1: easier to judge and attack ourselves than it is to
Speaker 1: feel the pain. And what happens with this beautiful practice
Speaker 1: is that as you start to tend inward, you recognize
Speaker 1: that you don't have to reexperience the pain. You can
Speaker 1: just be present with what the protector needs in that moment,
Speaker 1: and in that moment it can just soften. And it's
Speaker 1: these moment by moment unburdenings of the pain of that
Speaker 1: that you've held on to you for so long.
Speaker 2: So what do we do with the self critic through
Speaker 2: this four step practice?
Speaker 1: Great question. So you'd notice yourself in that self critic
Speaker 1: or that attack or judgment, and you would have again,
Speaker 1: you have to have enough space between the attack and
Speaker 1: the response to it. And sometimes it might happen till
Speaker 1: the next day when you have a little bit of
Speaker 1: a of a judgment hangover or whatever it is, but
Speaker 1: you notice it and you say, okay, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: going to check in, And so you'd check in with
Speaker 1: the judgment and you'd focus your attention towards that judgment inside,
Speaker 1: so instead of being in your head, you'd get into
Speaker 1: your internally and I like to close my eyes with this.
Speaker 1: I can also suggest that people do this with journaling.
Speaker 1: So at the top of the page, you could say,
Speaker 1: I choose to check in with my judgment and then
Speaker 1: the compassionate, the curious connection, that curiosity coming inside. You'd
Speaker 1: ask the judgment, what are you trying to tell me?
Speaker 1: What are you trying to reveal? Because the judgment will
Speaker 1: then speak And this is really helpful. You asked earlier,
Speaker 1: what's a great way to start journaling. It's a great
Speaker 1: way to do this because if you're just journaling with it,
Speaker 1: you'll let your pen flow and that stream of consciousness
Speaker 1: will start to come forward into the page and you'll
Speaker 1: be blown away what the part will start to say.
Speaker 1: Just journal with the part, So you ask you what
Speaker 1: do you need? And then you'll just journal, journal, journal,
Speaker 1: and then it's going to you know, carry on with
Speaker 1: the four questions. So check in curiosity, compassion, and what
Speaker 1: do you need and then start to journal more. How
Speaker 1: do I feel now?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost starting to treat ourselves. You you said
Speaker 2: this earlier, and it's resonating more as you explained the practice,
Speaker 2: this idea of treating those parts of yourself as small children. Yes,
Speaker 2: And it's like if a child was crying, the first
Speaker 2: thing you'd say is, hey, what's up? Like, how's what's
Speaker 2: going on? Like how are you feeling? Like what happened?
Speaker 2: Are you okay? Whereas when we see the parts of
Speaker 2: ourselves crying inside or kicking up a farce, we're just like,
Speaker 2: go away, go away, go away. I don't want to
Speaker 2: talk to you.
Speaker 1: This is an actual question I asked my audiences. Is
Speaker 1: you know, if you're if a little child in your
Speaker 1: life was having a hard moment, I'm really scared or
Speaker 1: I'm really activated, the first thing you would do is
Speaker 1: calm connection your self. Energy would rise to the occasion,
Speaker 1: calm connected, curious, what would you need? But the way
Speaker 1: that we speak to ourselves is insane. It's horrible. We
Speaker 1: are so mean to ourselves and so aggressive with ourselves
Speaker 1: and wanting to shut it down. That's exactly right.
Speaker 2: Why do we find it easier to suthe others and
Speaker 2: not sue ourselves.
Speaker 1: Well, because we need, we believe, or unconsciously, I don't
Speaker 1: think we know this, but we unconsciously believe that we
Speaker 1: need these protectors to stay alive. So I'll give an example.
Speaker 1: I had very severe codependent addiction before I was a
Speaker 1: drug addict, and in that codependent addiction, I literally had
Speaker 1: a belief that if I'm not in a relationship, I
Speaker 1: will die. It wasn't nice. I wouldn't say that out loud,
Speaker 1: but it felt like that. It felt like death.
Speaker 2: You behaved like that.
Speaker 1: I literally like, oh my god, if I was clinging
Speaker 1: and fawning. And if that doesn't really she was the work,
Speaker 1: I want to find another one. And I was actually
Speaker 1: talking with a woman yesterday W's who identifies as a
Speaker 1: codependent and has a very serious addiction to this one
Speaker 1: partner that she's been trying to release and she keeps
Speaker 1: going back and she keeps going back and she's like,
Speaker 1: it's just such a drug. And I said, well, what
Speaker 1: does it feel like if you were to end it?
Speaker 1: And she's like, I literally feel like I would die.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing with these protectors is that we
Speaker 1: don't realize it, but they actually are protecting us from
Speaker 1: feelings that we think and believe inside unprocessed trauma, feelings
Speaker 1: that we believe will take us down. We believe they
Speaker 1: will take us down. And it's only when we start
Speaker 1: to self soothe and access a little bit of that
Speaker 1: self inside that we can start to realize no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: actually there's some safety here. I feel like I can
Speaker 1: actually be a little bit more resilient than I thought,
Speaker 1: or it's not that terrifying to go there. I can
Speaker 1: go there and I can be okay on the other side.
Speaker 1: But we have to have that spiritual proof in order
Speaker 1: to actually have even any desire to keep going.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's that's that part where I'm like,
Speaker 2: the first time you do this, for anyone who's listening
Speaker 2: and watching, really give it. You're all because yes, an
Speaker 2: experienced spiritual proof early, and as soon as you have that,
Speaker 2: you just set because you now know what you're working towards.
Speaker 2: Not that you want the same feeling or the same
Speaker 2: emotion will be different, but you know the process works.
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes it's almost like everyone knows they
Speaker 2: need to work out and everyone knows they need to
Speaker 2: take supplements and vitamins. But when you don't do that
Speaker 2: properly and you don't do it consistently, you don't have
Speaker 2: the proof that it works.
Speaker 1: Let's give them the proof right now. God's give them
Speaker 1: the experience right now. It's because one of the things
Speaker 1: I don't love about this sort of therapeutic book is
Speaker 1: that talking about it. Yeah, it's like people are like,
Speaker 1: like you know, and also protectors get up like other
Speaker 1: protectors like literally like you're gonna have to bleep me,
Speaker 1: but they're like this. I don't want to go there.
Speaker 1: And so that's why it took me years in therapy
Speaker 1: and I wish it'd had this book because I think
Speaker 1: it would have been a more gentle access to it.
Speaker 1: So I don't let's stop talking about I'll give it
Speaker 1: to them, okay, okay, and you can do it for yourself.
Speaker 1: I think everyone listening, maybe you close your eyes while
Speaker 1: we do this if you want to, and for your
Speaker 1: own sake, Jay, just think of a protector that you
Speaker 1: might be aware of. And you don't have to say
Speaker 1: out loud what you're working with unless you want to later. Okay,
Speaker 1: and everybody listening check in right now with At this point,
Speaker 1: maybe you're aware of a part of yourself that is
Speaker 1: a little activated at times, or maybe very activated at times,
Speaker 1: the parts that are controlling or addicted, or maybe the
Speaker 1: part that runs through a refrigerator or checks out with YouTube,
Speaker 1: or the aspects of yourself that you want to check
Speaker 1: in with, and choose one right now, and once you're
Speaker 1: aware of that part, if you're not driving, you can
Speaker 1: generally close your eyes and focus your attention inward and
Speaker 1: choose to check in with the part. And now noticing
Speaker 1: inside with a little curiosity, where does that part of
Speaker 1: you live in your body? Where do you feel it inside?
Speaker 1: And does it have a shape or a color or
Speaker 1: is there any words or thoughts or memories attached to it?
Speaker 1: And give it a breath, take a deep breath in
Speaker 1: like Jaj just did. Breathe in with it, and just
Speaker 1: be present with it and let it know that it's
Speaker 1: safe to let you know more to any memories or
Speaker 1: feelings or sensations, and don't judge anything that comes forward.
Speaker 2: Just let it come through.
Speaker 1: And now that you have a little bit of access
Speaker 1: and can to this part, you can ask it one
Speaker 1: last time, is there anything else that you want me
Speaker 1: to know. And now with that access to the part,
Speaker 1: I want you to check in a little bit more
Speaker 1: closely and offer it a little bit of compassionate connection,
Speaker 1: asking the part, what do you need? Just listen, don't
Speaker 1: overthink it, don't judge it.
Speaker 2: Just listen.
Speaker 1: And now take a deep breath in and maybe place
Speaker 1: your hand on your heart and your other hand on
Speaker 1: your belly and just breathing in and just let that
Speaker 1: part know that you've listened, that you're here, and take
Speaker 1: another deep breath in, and well, just check in and
Speaker 1: notice how you feel. Do you feel even the slightest
Speaker 1: bit more calm? Do you feel a little bit of
Speaker 1: compassion towards that part? Are you curious? Would you like
Speaker 1: to know a little bit more at some point? Are
Speaker 1: you willing to get to know more? Do you feel connected?
Speaker 1: Do you have more clarity about it? Any creative energy
Speaker 1: buzzing through? You feel a little buzziness? Just notice those
Speaker 1: ce qualities, courage, need confidence. Just take one last deep
Speaker 1: breath in, just let it go, and then whenever you're ready,
Speaker 1: you can open your eyes. See how you feel. I
Speaker 1: watched you go there.
Speaker 2: It was beautiful, It was great, It was what I
Speaker 2: really liked about it. The part that really helped me
Speaker 2: was being able to approach something head on, which we
Speaker 2: don't do, yeah, and then to actually sit with it
Speaker 2: with compassion in a good way. So my normal reaction
Speaker 2: to it would be, God, why do I do this?
Speaker 2: Why am I doing that? God, it's so annoying. Oh,
Speaker 2: I know this came from something in my past or
Speaker 2: that's the kind of energy that it often has. And
Speaker 2: to not have that energy for that protector was new,
Speaker 2: because the energy that I have for the protector is
Speaker 2: most likely negative or condescending or some sort of kind
Speaker 2: of derogatory kind of feeling, whereas this was it was
Speaker 2: really pleasant to see in Oh, like, you're not all
Speaker 2: that bad. You've been needed, you've performed a purpose, you've
Speaker 2: been useful, and and it's not perfect, but I'm grateful,
Speaker 2: Like yeah, yeah, and that that was quite new. I've
Speaker 2: never done that before.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of clarity there. That's a lot of
Speaker 1: self that clarity. So if you're walking for the listener
Speaker 1: who's walking out of this or experiencing this just for
Speaker 1: the first time, and they have they're like, Oh, I
Speaker 1: learned something new. That's that self did you feel a
Speaker 1: little bit more calm self. You felt some compassion towards himself.
Speaker 1: So anyone that's listening, even the slightest, like I said,
Speaker 1: the molecule of calmness or compassion or connection, you've done
Speaker 1: it perfectly. Because this is perfect. And if you're like
Speaker 1: I actually feel worse, that's fine too, because you tried right,
Speaker 1: You did that, you went through the journey that it
Speaker 1: doesn't This is just the first baby step in the experience.
Speaker 1: Like I shared earlier, is about getting into relationship with
Speaker 1: the part, not pushing it away, shutting it down, blaming
Speaker 1: and shaming. It's getting into relationship with And here's the
Speaker 1: cool part. The more you do this, the more you
Speaker 1: can actually speak for your parts rather than as your parts.
Speaker 2: Yes, wow, that's really powerful. Say that again because that's
Speaker 2: really good.
Speaker 1: The more you practice this, the easier it is for
Speaker 1: you to speak for your parts rather than as your parts.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's it, right.
Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. Yesterday. You know, I have
Speaker 1: a part that's she's doing okay, she's called knives out.
Speaker 1: She's been really at bay and the person that she
Speaker 1: likes to bring the knives out to with my husband
Speaker 1: for Zack. So she loves to bring those knives out.
Speaker 1: But we've been so good, you know, like my husband
Speaker 1: and I do IFS therapy and for couple therapies, so
Speaker 1: like we are, we're in a great We're a rocket.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's amazing that marriages can get that much
Speaker 1: better for a time and we have a language around it.
Speaker 1: And I said to him something happened where he said
Speaker 1: something that was really triggering to me. It was like
Speaker 1: something that we're like I did something with my kid
Speaker 1: that he didn't like, and he was kind of shaming me,
Speaker 1: but not on purpose, but I felt shamed because when
Speaker 1: does knives out come out? Jay? When I feel shame? Right, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel that shame. So instead of
Speaker 1: feeling that shame, I'm going to literally bring the knives out,
Speaker 1: go and become completely overtaken. You'll if anyone that read
Speaker 1: my books on me, they'd be like terrified and cry
Speaker 1: and run in the corner. And knives out comes out
Speaker 1: and she's like cursing, and she's like go after yourself,
Speaker 1: you know, and like outraged. And later that night Zach
Speaker 1: was just like I don't know what to do with
Speaker 1: that part, Like what the hell was that? Why did
Speaker 1: you We've been so good? Why did you have to
Speaker 1: act out like that? And I said, I was triggered
Speaker 1: in the moment, and I was taken over by the part,
Speaker 1: and I want to speak for the part. There's that
Speaker 1: part again that when she feels shame, she goes into
Speaker 1: a nut, she checks out. I become blended with the part.
Speaker 1: You literally could take on like a different physical form.
Speaker 1: Your face can change, your voice can change. And I
Speaker 1: just said, I'm really sorry for how I acted, and
Speaker 1: I want to take ownership that that part gets really
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying, oh, it's just a part, so
Speaker 1: get over it. I'm saying, that's that part that I'm
Speaker 1: still working with. I'm going to speak for the part.
Speaker 1: The part got really activated. She felt shame. When she
Speaker 1: feels shame, she can't she goes crazy. And so I'm
Speaker 1: going to keep working with her. And I'm sorry that
Speaker 1: she acted out, but I'm speaking for her that rather
Speaker 1: than as her, as her would have been like still
Speaker 1: in that rage, I'm protecting no matter what, fighting for
Speaker 1: the part. And this is really cool in work environments,
Speaker 1: So if you've got coworkers that you work with or
Speaker 1: a boss that pisces you off, you cause starts speaking
Speaker 1: for the part. You can go to the boss and
Speaker 1: just say hey, listen, depending on the environment, but you
Speaker 1: could in your own way say hey listen. I just
Speaker 1: want to let you know that when I get really flustered,
Speaker 1: when I don't know the answers, I just wanted to
Speaker 1: let you know that that a part of me gets
Speaker 1: really activated when I don't know all the answers. So
Speaker 1: if you see me acting weird in those but I
Speaker 1: just want to let you know, because I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to bullshit you, but I actually just get really flustered.
Speaker 1: And you just imagine living like that or starting a
Speaker 1: relationship with somebody and you have this language and you're like, listen,
Speaker 1: A part of me is like a very anxious attishment style.
Speaker 1: And I just want you to know that, Like, like
Speaker 1: I might act a little nuts at times because this
Speaker 1: is a part of me that gets activated. If I
Speaker 1: was dating a guy early in a relationship and he
Speaker 1: said that's me, I'd be like, bro, let's take this further.
Speaker 1: And if they can't, then that's not your partner, right.
Speaker 1: But speaking for these parts just makes you so much cooler.
Speaker 2: It's like that animation inside out.
Speaker 1: Well, inside out is based on i FS.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, right right? That makes sense.
Speaker 1: And that's why I love it for kids, because then
Speaker 1: I'll talk to my kid about that film and I'll
Speaker 1: be like, I'm a really anxious guy, and you know,
Speaker 1: they can speak for these parts of yourself.
Speaker 2: Talk to me about how you've been using ifs in
Speaker 2: those two ways. So you talked about with your husband,
Speaker 2: Zach and with your son. Let's talk about i FS
Speaker 2: in that context of being in a relationship and a
Speaker 2: romantic relationship and then having a relationship with your child.
Speaker 2: Let's start with romantic relationship. If someone's starting to do
Speaker 2: this work and they want to encourage their partner to
Speaker 2: be included in it, how do you do that? How
Speaker 2: do you go about that conversation in a way I
Speaker 2: feel like so many people today are like, I don't
Speaker 2: want to date someone who hasn't done therapy. I don't
Speaker 2: want to date someone who hasn't healed. How do you
Speaker 2: actually have that conversation in a healthy way.
Speaker 1: I'm going to answer that with a story. Okay, So,
Speaker 1: because I get this question all the time. When I
Speaker 1: first started this yoga practice decade almost a decade ago,
Speaker 1: and I was so deeply into it and I was
Speaker 1: like doing the sad nad. I was wearing the turbine
Speaker 1: and you remember, and I was like in the whites
Speaker 1: and I was like every day all day going to
Speaker 1: the teacher training. I'd come home and I'd be like, Zach,
Speaker 1: you have to do this, like you know, five hour
Speaker 1: breath work practice through your hands in the air with me.
Speaker 1: And he was just like go after yourself, like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. And I kept being like, well,
Speaker 1: why isn't he doing it? And I went to my
Speaker 1: teacher and I said, listen, my husband isn't doing the
Speaker 1: practice with me. He doesn't want to do it. And
Speaker 1: she looked at me and she said, the second that
Speaker 1: you walk in the door, when you get home, she said,
Speaker 1: take off the turbin and shut up. And that was it.
Speaker 1: That's my answer for everybody. Take off your metaphorical turbine
Speaker 1: and shut up. Because if your partner's not ready for it,
Speaker 1: they're not ready for it. You do the work. You
Speaker 1: are the one you've been waiting for. You get to work,
Speaker 1: you start tending to the parts of yourself inside, and
Speaker 1: when you change, everybody else around you has the opportunity
Speaker 1: to rise up with you. And that's in relationships. If
Speaker 1: you start to rise and they don't rise with you,
Speaker 1: then that's your sign. Okay, it's time to move on.
Speaker 1: But when you rise, you give somebody the opportunity to
Speaker 1: elevate with you, alongside you. But you got to do
Speaker 1: the work you can't. Yeah, you could say I'm tracting
Speaker 1: a partner that wants to do the work, but their
Speaker 1: work might be different than your work. And so I've
Speaker 1: been on my own path. Zach's been on his own path.
Speaker 1: We find intersection, but he's not sitting and going to
Speaker 1: ashram or he's not going to go and deep do
Speaker 1: a two hour meditation. But he will do self help
Speaker 1: with me. He'll check in with me. But this is
Speaker 1: a journey. You got to do the work for yourself.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what about when your parts, even when you learn
Speaker 2: to speak for your parts and not as your parts,
Speaker 2: when your parts have pushed people too far away? So,
Speaker 2: for example, with your knives out, Zach is an understanding
Speaker 2: person who's doing the work with you. He's also trying
Speaker 2: to figure this out. I'm sure he has his version
Speaker 2: of whatever it is, what do you do when your
Speaker 2: parts have acted out and you've realized too late that
Speaker 2: they've actually pushed people quite far away. Is that repairable?
Speaker 1: The word is repair I think that that depends on
Speaker 1: the relationship we as an addict. I know very well
Speaker 1: what it means to make an amends. A lot of
Speaker 1: times we as addicts can have those addicts are very
Speaker 1: extreme parts. They're called firefighter parts that are literally at
Speaker 1: wits end. I have to do whatever it takes to
Speaker 1: put out the fire and the flames of this impermissible feeling.
Speaker 1: And so that's why addicts deserve a tremendous amount of compassion,
Speaker 1: because oftentimes we're traumatized people who do not have the
Speaker 1: resources in that moment to actually heal and help ourselves.
Speaker 1: So in the scenario of an addict, let's just say
Speaker 1: they may have pushed a lot of people away. They
Speaker 1: might have created a lot of wreckage. And so it's
Speaker 1: first in the inner work of the self forgiveness. There's
Speaker 1: a chapter in the book called self forgiveness. In the
Speaker 1: inner work of getting in relationship with those parts and
Speaker 1: recognizing that that was a part that was working really
Speaker 1: hard and forgiving yourself first, because you won't really be
Speaker 1: able to even be in an energy that could be
Speaker 1: resonant with someone to receive their forgiveness if you don't
Speaker 1: forgive yourself first, because then you're needing them to make
Speaker 1: it right for you. You have to make it right for you.
Speaker 1: And when you do that, that's when your amends will
Speaker 1: really land. So I can look at Zach now and say,
Speaker 1: I know that this part needs me, and I'm working
Speaker 1: really hard with her, and so I'm going to forgive
Speaker 1: her and I'm gonna ask for your forgiveness as well.
Speaker 1: And so I think that's the answer, Jay, is that
Speaker 1: if you've pushed, if your parts have created a lot
Speaker 1: of wreckage in your life, then you have to really,
Speaker 1: no one has to. My suggestion is to go deep
Speaker 1: into your own inner healing and forgiveness of yourself and
Speaker 1: forgiveness of the parts and acceptance of the parts, and
Speaker 1: then you'll be shown Self will guide you. You'll be
Speaker 1: self led. Self is spirit, so self is God. Self
Speaker 1: is the energy of love inside of you will show you. Okay,
Speaker 1: when you feel that you have access to that self
Speaker 1: forgiveness inside, you're going to know that it's time to
Speaker 1: go and make amends. And maybe you get the forgiveness
Speaker 1: or maybe you don't but you don't need it, but
Speaker 1: you're there to ask to really to make amends. I
Speaker 1: think that all relationships, if there are two parties that
Speaker 1: are interested in this, this is an extraordinary practice for
Speaker 1: a couple, extraordinary, it's an extraordinary practice for a parent.
Speaker 1: Doctor Becky Kennedy's a good friend and she's also very
Speaker 1: good friends with Dick Schwartz, and she practices a lot
Speaker 1: of ifs in the work as well, and it comes
Speaker 1: through in her work a lot because think it's curiosity.
Speaker 1: You have a DFK deeply feeling kid like I do,
Speaker 1: and the child needs your self energy and the case
Speaker 1: of my child. So to answer the second question, how
Speaker 1: do we do this with their kids? Some kids might
Speaker 1: like the four steps. Some kids might like, you know,
Speaker 1: they're really activated, and you're like, okay, let's check in,
Speaker 1: you know, let me check in, and you actually could
Speaker 1: go through the steps of them. Let's check in with
Speaker 1: that part at where do you feel at your body?
Speaker 2: Baby?
Speaker 1: And just checking in okay, oh, and then what do
Speaker 1: you need and how do you feel now that mommy's
Speaker 1: giving you a little bit of breath and remembering that
Speaker 1: our children are always co regulating with they're regulating with
Speaker 1: our energy, so we're not coregulating. They're regulating with us
Speaker 1: and so our self energy. The more we do this,
Speaker 1: the better a parent we will be, because what does
Speaker 1: a child need a self led leader in the home.
Speaker 1: The child doesn't need a lot of child's parts parenting them.
Speaker 1: They need the adult resourced, undamaged self as often as
Speaker 1: possible as the parent, because that's what's safe and so
Speaker 1: that self but gets more self. In the case of
Speaker 1: my child, if I start trying to go through the
Speaker 1: forests with him, he's like, are you kidding me? He
Speaker 1: is so allergic to you know, this kind of conversations.
Speaker 1: You're like, how you feeling? He's like, nah, mammy, So
Speaker 1: I have to do a little backwards ways, you know,
Speaker 1: I'll just be very casual, like, yo, bro, how are
Speaker 1: you feeling? Like what's going on? Like what happened today?
Speaker 1: Just really cash, really cash. So you have to know
Speaker 1: your kid. Yeah, the kid is like, don't try that
Speaker 1: on me, mommy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's and that's that's the beauty of it, though,
Speaker 2: is that it gives you a language to speak to
Speaker 2: the other people in your life as well.
Speaker 1: Yes, So if you have friends or other parties involved.
Speaker 1: It gives you a collective language. So it's really funny
Speaker 1: whenever I'm around my friends in the IFS community. I
Speaker 1: did a call yesterday with Dick Schwartz and his wife
Speaker 1: and we were talking about AI stuff and I was
Speaker 1: giving them some guidance and they were getting activated by
Speaker 1: it because it's new, and it's like, what do you mean,
Speaker 1: are you like a clone? Like what are you talking about?
Speaker 1: And I looked at them and I was like, so, guys,
Speaker 1: you know, I know I have a really aggressive part
Speaker 1: that likes to get really excited about things. So just
Speaker 1: warning you as we enter this car. And so we
Speaker 1: all speak for our parts in these relationships. And it
Speaker 1: really is quite funny when you're around as IFS people
Speaker 1: because we're all just like, my part feels this, but
Speaker 1: it's beautiful. And imagine the whole world just walking around
Speaker 1: being like, hey, we just speak for a part of
Speaker 1: myself before I act like an asshole.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's incredible.
Speaker 1: It's a totally different way to live.
Speaker 2: It's it's people use it as an excuse.
Speaker 1: Definitely. You don't want to start being like in that
Speaker 1: sort of wounded place of it's kind of like offense
Speaker 1: but that happens in all practice, of course, right, You're
Speaker 1: gonna be like, well, I just needed my four hour
Speaker 1: meditation or I didn't do enough mantras this morning or whatever,
Speaker 1: you know. But in this instance, I think that we
Speaker 1: this is about taking ownership of our parts, but not
Speaker 1: in a way where we're judging them, but where we're
Speaker 1: befriending them and speaking for them and taking care of them.
Speaker 2: Is there is there ever a time we've talked to
Speaker 2: a lot about self soothing, self regulating, self help overaule?
Speaker 2: Is there ever a time where being hard on yourself
Speaker 2: is actually useful and effective?
Speaker 1: You ask the best questions? Are so good at this,
Speaker 1: you know, I think that there's so this is actually
Speaker 1: a beautiful question. There are protectors that also have really
Speaker 1: valuable They all have valuable roles. Right, So let's think
Speaker 1: about it from the standpoint of my Workaholic really create
Speaker 1: a lot of drama and chaos in my life and
Speaker 1: gastro issues and just constant hyper vigilance. But she also
Speaker 1: wrote ten books in fourteen years, right, and she's helped
Speaker 1: served a lot of souls. So we didn't want to
Speaker 1: shut her down or blame her or shame her she
Speaker 1: was doing the best she could, and she also did
Speaker 1: a lot of good along the way, and we can
Speaker 1: be in difficult times and still be doing great things
Speaker 1: in the world. So I think that a part that
Speaker 1: is sort of beating us up, or not even beating
Speaker 1: us up, maybe like an encouraging part that's like, you know,
Speaker 1: push harder, go more. It's it's it's a self like part.
Speaker 1: It's not it's not self, but it has more self
Speaker 1: aspects than protect your aspects. And the real question isn't
Speaker 1: is that bad or good? It's really is is it extreme?
Speaker 1: Because if it's extreme, that's when you really need to
Speaker 1: start to tend to it. Because remember, we could be
Speaker 1: very praised for our perfectionism, or very praised for our
Speaker 1: work ethic, or very praised for how hard we hit
Speaker 1: the gym or how much we practice that tennis, and
Speaker 1: we could be really praised for that, and it looks
Speaker 1: like a great quality, and in many ways it is.
Speaker 1: But when it's extreme, it's oftentimes a very extreme protector.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the that's and that's why you've got
Speaker 2: to approach it in the same way. You can't judge
Speaker 2: that part of you that is hard on you.
Speaker 1: No check one with it. Yeah, and the thing that's happened.
Speaker 1: Here's the miracle. When you start to check in with
Speaker 1: these parts and you start to befriend them, and you
Speaker 1: start to self soothe, and you start to create this
Speaker 1: relationship inside. It's not that the parts have to go away, Jay,
Speaker 1: It's that the parts now become the best versions of themselves.
Speaker 1: They've returned to their natural roles. So my workaholic part, Look,
Speaker 1: I've got you today and then I'm going off to
Speaker 1: the next thing. I got three more podcasts tomorrow. I'm
Speaker 1: still showing up, but I'm doing it in a less
Speaker 1: extreme way. You know this, You've known me for almost
Speaker 1: a decade. My energy is different. I'm not doing I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing less. I'm just more intentional and I'm
Speaker 1: more aligned, and I'm more resourced, and I'm having more
Speaker 1: fun and I'm more child like. I can't tell you
Speaker 1: how many friends like you and Louis and like brothers
Speaker 1: of mine have been like, yeahy, you're like so youthful
Speaker 1: and child like. You guys said that to me when
Speaker 1: we had dinner. And that's just the unburdening because it's
Speaker 1: gonna make me cry. It's like you return to this
Speaker 1: child like presence inside that was always there. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: just got taken from you.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean when we were at Lewis's and I
Speaker 2: didn't actually tell you this. I told you at dinner,
Speaker 2: which I think we had like a year ago, but
Speaker 2: when we were at Lewis's wedding earlier this, yeah, I
Speaker 2: was just I was thinking about it a lot, and
Speaker 2: I was like, Wow, Gabby's just so at peace, Like
Speaker 2: you just have this ease about you these days. That
Speaker 2: not that you weren't and you were like that when
Speaker 2: I first met you. You were like you were buzzy,
Speaker 2: and you were like kind of like, you know, you
Speaker 2: had all this good energy you always have. I've never
Speaker 2: felt anything different, but I could feel that like ease
Speaker 2: and grace and peace from you. Yeah, And that's a
Speaker 2: really beautiful thing when you experience it in someone. Because
Speaker 2: I think we're used to being around high performing people
Speaker 2: who have big goals and targets and things like that,
Speaker 2: and that's not a fun energy to be around. It's
Speaker 2: kind of it's it's not like it's not attractive that
Speaker 2: and we're all ambitious and stuff, so there's nothing wrong
Speaker 2: with that. But if that someone's overarching energy. It's not
Speaker 2: the same as when you're around someone who's kind of
Speaker 2: just at ease and peace, even though they are driven
Speaker 2: and ambitious. Talk to me about that kind of paradox,
Speaker 2: because I think we think that if someone's at peace,
Speaker 2: they're slow, yeah, and if someone's ambitious, they're fast. Talk
Speaker 2: to me about slow fast yeah, peaceful, ambitious yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, oftentimes high performing entrepreneurs do have a lot of
Speaker 1: shadow parts, but oftentimes that is the reason for so
Speaker 1: much of their successes, and it's when those folks begin
Speaker 1: to alchemize and start to recognize and do the work.
Speaker 1: However that work shows up in their life that they're
Speaker 1: real successes, not external, but that they're actually able to
Speaker 1: achieve what they're truly capable of. And so achievement is
Speaker 1: not a sign of self energy at all. Achievement is
Speaker 1: oftentimes the sign of a lot of protectors working their
Speaker 1: ass off to get something going to protect you. What
Speaker 1: happens when we are in that self energy, when we're
Speaker 1: in self is that it's not that if we are
Speaker 1: a high performer. Just by nature, certain people just have
Speaker 1: different energies, right, We're born with different frequencies if that's
Speaker 1: in your nature and that's a part of you. It's
Speaker 1: not that that goes away, it's just that you can
Speaker 1: do it in a more sustainable way. You have more boundaries,
Speaker 1: you have more ability to say yes, say no. You
Speaker 1: are clearer, so you're making better decisions. You're clearer so
Speaker 1: you're not surrounding yourself with the wrong folks, so you're
Speaker 1: you can actually move even faster and create even more
Speaker 1: because you're not burdened. So it's it's not faster or slow,
Speaker 1: it's what is the energy that's moving through you. When
Speaker 1: you have self energy, you could move for real fast,
Speaker 1: but it's so intentional that it has so much more
Speaker 1: power and you actually can do a lot less and
Speaker 1: attract a lot more.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about bound because I mean, I feel like
Speaker 2: boundaries is at the heart of every human issue today
Speaker 2: in the sense of when we think about interpersonal dynamics,
Speaker 2: whether people having issues with their friends, their family members,
Speaker 2: it's all boundaries based. And many of us are willing
Speaker 2: to break our boundaries because we care more about people pleasing,
Speaker 2: we care more about living up to everyone's expectations, we
Speaker 2: care more about everything else, and we think we have
Speaker 2: a boundary. We say we have a boundary, but we
Speaker 2: don't really keep up to it. So I'll give an example.
Speaker 2: I was talking to a friend the other day and
Speaker 2: she said she wanted to she only wanted to hang
Speaker 2: out if all of the friends were invited, and another
Speaker 2: one of her friends said, no, I only want to
Speaker 2: hang out with you, and she was like, well, if
Speaker 2: we hang out, then everyone's going to find out we
Speaker 2: hang out, and then they're going to be upset that
Speaker 2: we hung out. So I think we should invite everyone.
Speaker 2: And the other friend said, no, I just want to
Speaker 2: hang out with you and a couple of other friends,
Speaker 2: but I don't want to invite everyone. So you had
Speaker 2: these two boundaries that were almost at odds with each other.
Speaker 2: One boundary was we should always invite everyone because it
Speaker 2: makes everyone feel included, which almost was people pleasing, not
Speaker 2: even a boundary. And the other boundary was, no, I
Speaker 2: think it should just be a small group of us.
Speaker 2: And the person who wanted to invite everyone ultimately gave
Speaker 2: in and said, no, okay, fine, we'll just have a
Speaker 2: small group of us. Yeah. Now this is a very
Speaker 2: small example, but to me, it's at the heart of
Speaker 2: all the problems that we have. It's like people being
Speaker 2: upset that people didn't invite them to their wedding, People
Speaker 2: being upset that they invited them but didn't give them
Speaker 2: an important role. People being upset that their family didn't
Speaker 2: prioritize their birthday. People being upset that they're always the
Speaker 2: ones organizing vacations and no one else does. Like, these
Speaker 2: are the real challenges in life that we're all going
Speaker 2: through every day. What do we do? How do we
Speaker 2: set boundaries that we actually stick to and that we're
Speaker 2: okay with letting people down?
Speaker 1: It seems it sounds like the case of your friends,
Speaker 1: the one that was wanting to invite everybody to big
Speaker 1: people please are part and it might sound like the
Speaker 1: other one probably had a pretty clear bound like yeah,
Speaker 1: good boundaries good or bout it? I mean, listen, boundaries
Speaker 1: are only good if they're led byself, because you could
Speaker 1: also be really like, I've got all these boundaries. But
Speaker 1: that's a protector too, right, So, whether it's boundaries, whether
Speaker 1: it's it's control, whether it's anxiety, whatever the protector is,
Speaker 1: if those parts of you are happening in extreme ways
Speaker 1: that are misaligned with that calm, clear, curious compassionate, confident,
Speaker 1: courageous energy. Then it's a protector. Then it's a protector.
Speaker 1: It's across the board when it comes to boundaries, I
Speaker 1: find that the more we do whatever type of personal
Speaker 1: development or spiritual practice that we have, and the more
Speaker 1: we start to access self inside, the more precious we
Speaker 1: realize our energy is, the more connected we feel inside,
Speaker 1: so we begin to know I can't do that anymore.
Speaker 1: The more access to self that I have acquired, the
Speaker 1: easier it has been for me to be very boundaried
Speaker 1: with the people who work for me and literally speak
Speaker 1: the thing that in the wrong tone could be very upsetting,
Speaker 1: but with the self energy or fine, so saying Nope,
Speaker 1: I won't do that anymore, that's not my thing, or
Speaker 1: look at somebody in the eye and say, actually, that's
Speaker 1: your job. I want you to do that. That's no
Speaker 1: longer my job. I had a part for many years
Speaker 1: Jay that was if they don't do it, if I
Speaker 1: don't do it, nobody else will. That was a really
Speaker 1: big part. If I don't do it, nobody else will.
Speaker 1: And that was lingering for up until maybe a year
Speaker 1: ago or less. It's really recent that it's been kind
Speaker 1: of out of my life, and not completely but.
Speaker 2: Pretty much much how you worked on that one, because
Speaker 2: that's a great one.
Speaker 1: I just kept working with that part. So that part
Speaker 1: was probably one of the parts I worked with most
Speaker 1: in my life. And it was really creating a lot
Speaker 1: of chaos because and it made me just to be
Speaker 1: the one that would take the burden of all of
Speaker 1: it and do all the work too. It wouldn't let
Speaker 1: people rise up. And three, it would put me in
Speaker 1: a position where I wasn't never asking for what I wanted,
Speaker 1: and I did not have the clear boundaries around where
Speaker 1: I started and I ended, and so burn out. And
Speaker 1: so I kept working with it and working with it
Speaker 1: and checking in with it and noticing it and witnessing
Speaker 1: it and bringing it to my IFS therapy and bringing
Speaker 1: it to my meditation practice and checking in with it.
Speaker 1: I checked in with every single day for at least
Speaker 1: a year through my journaling. I literally wrote with it
Speaker 1: every single day for a year. During COVID, I was
Speaker 1: working with it like crazy. So it's been maybe a
Speaker 1: decade of working two decades of working with that part,
Speaker 1: but really heavily in the last year, and man, I
Speaker 1: have come out the other side I'm literally looking at people,
Speaker 1: and I'm in a different nervous system. I'll look at somebody,
Speaker 1: I'll say, oh no, no, no, that's your job, that's
Speaker 1: your job, that's not my job, or and I actually
Speaker 1: don't come across. I was probably much more of an
Speaker 1: asshole before because I was doing it and then mad
Speaker 1: that I was doing it, and then taking it out
Speaker 1: on them energetically. Right, So now I'm just like, oh, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you know that's your thing, or I'm going to ask
Speaker 1: that you do this thing. This is my clear clarity
Speaker 1: and boundaries as a leader, as an entrepreneur, as someone
Speaker 1: who wants to be a leader in your home with
Speaker 1: your child, in your classroom, and your business, whatever it
Speaker 1: is that you do. This is the most important book
Speaker 1: you could read as a leader. And I wish I
Speaker 1: actually know. It's easy for me to say that because
Speaker 1: it's based on Dick Schwartz's work. Right, So it's this
Speaker 1: or any ifs practice work is the most important thing
Speaker 1: you could do as a leader. The Dick talks about
Speaker 1: self led leaders. We need to be showing up particularly
Speaker 1: right now. What's happened is everyone out there out there,
Speaker 1: It's all just a lot of damaged parts on all
Speaker 1: over the place. This country is insanely divisive all throughout
Speaker 1: the world. And that's just parts parts chaos, chaos.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're leading through a knives out pot, a exactly
Speaker 2: addicted part and an anxious part, whatever it may be.
Speaker 1: Think about the activists, they're like fighting, fighting, fighting. Look,
Speaker 1: that work is incredible, it's life changing, it's necessary. But
Speaker 1: if we're in that constant place of fighting, that's another protector.
Speaker 1: So how can you lead and activate from a place
Speaker 1: of self? How can you come from that? It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you don't get angry, it doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you don't have rage. You use it, You infuse the
Speaker 1: self energy into it. And it's really important right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's incredible, Gabby. I can't wait for people to
Speaker 2: read this book. Everyone. The book is called self help.
Speaker 2: This is your chance to change your life. Go and
Speaker 2: grab your copy if you haven't already. I love that
Speaker 2: this book actually has a practice within it. It's built
Speaker 2: around the practice, built around the therapy. So it's not
Speaker 2: a book that you're going to read. It's a book
Speaker 2: that you're going to live, and it's a book that
Speaker 2: you're going to practice. And so I highly recommend, if
Speaker 2: you appreciate our conversation today, that you go grab a copy. Gabby.
Speaker 2: We end every episode of One Pert Was with a
Speaker 2: final five, and these questions have to be answered in
Speaker 2: one word to one sentence maximum. Okay, so I'm going
Speaker 2: to ask you these final five, Gaby Benstein. These are
Speaker 2: your final five. Question Number one, what is the best
Speaker 2: advice you've ever heard or received?
Speaker 1: Befriend the parts of yourself inside?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love I actually loved that advice. It's it's
Speaker 2: so because as humans were so good at using something
Speaker 2: fat for when it's useful, and then as soon as
Speaker 2: it's not useful, we condemn it. So it's like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: I hate this job now, and it's like, well, no,
Speaker 2: this job paid for the last three years of your family,
Speaker 2: your life, everything, even if you didn't love it, don't
Speaker 2: hate on it. But we kind of use it and
Speaker 2: we hate it. And it's like, oh, I love this partner,
Speaker 2: and now that things didn't work out, I hate them,
Speaker 2: and it's like, well no, no, no, Like you learned
Speaker 2: so much. And we don't only do that with jobs
Speaker 2: and people, we do that with ourselves. Where hey, there
Speaker 2: was this part of me that I hate now, and
Speaker 2: it's like, no, that part of you helped you survive
Speaker 2: college and kept you alive.
Speaker 1: And I want to speak to that before we end you.
Speaker 1: Because when I wrote I wrote this book. The year
Speaker 1: that I wrote this book, I was a fellow at
Speaker 1: a recovery center, and every month I would go and teach,
Speaker 1: and there was about one hundred new folks entering the
Speaker 1: treatment center each time I'd show up, so they'd BBB one, two, three,
Speaker 1: four days SOB and I'd walk in the room and
Speaker 1: I was teaching this. I was practicing what I was
Speaker 1: writing about. And so I'd look at this group of
Speaker 1: people who are all literally at witsheman who knows what
Speaker 1: kind of destruction they just two days into recovery. And
Speaker 1: I'd say to this group, well, listen, let me ask
Speaker 1: you how many people in this room have experienced trauma.
Speaker 1: They all raise their hand, and then I'd say, and
Speaker 1: wouldn't it make sense that you would do whatever it
Speaker 1: took to put out the flames of that impermissible fear
Speaker 1: and experience? And a lot of them would be like, Okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I get that. And then I'd say, well, wouldn't it
Speaker 1: make sense that the addict had a purpose that it's
Speaker 1: been working really hard to keep you safe. And I
Speaker 1: want to really really let people hear that at the
Speaker 1: parts of yourself that you're the most ashamed of that
Speaker 1: have caused the most chaos in your life, they've been
Speaker 1: working really hard to keep you safe.
Speaker 2: Yeah. It is so so real. And if we were
Speaker 2: able to get that way, you'd be so much more
Speaker 2: positive and healthy about what's possible in your life.
Speaker 1: And able to move forward because you could forgive yourself.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, and able to move forward because you take
Speaker 2: all of that experience and learning and that energy onto
Speaker 2: the next and you'd be willing to let go as well. Yeah,
Speaker 2: Like you could easily let go of that part knowing
Speaker 2: that it's served its purpose, whereas sometimes we probably stay
Speaker 2: too long in parts that are no longer serving.
Speaker 1: Us our whole life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second question, what is the worst advice
Speaker 2: you've ever heard or received.
Speaker 1: Stop doing YouTube and start blogging?
Speaker 2: Does someone say that to you?
Speaker 1: Yeah, like ten years ago, it's the biggest mistake of
Speaker 1: my life. I'm rebuilding my YouTube now.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, interesting.
Speaker 1: Sorry that was like career advice. Yeah, no, it's the
Speaker 1: worst advice in my life. It was like, where's Where's
Speaker 1: Jay Sheddy? When I needed them? It sounds like the
Speaker 1: stupidest thing to answer, but it really might have been
Speaker 1: that wasn't Was that the worst advice of my life?
Speaker 1: It's I mean, yeah, I think in this moment, it's
Speaker 1: the thing that's type of mind.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's uh.
Speaker 1: I mean I think there's to expect something more profound
Speaker 1: than that.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, I love we That's the whole point
Speaker 2: of the podcast is to be fully authentic. Yeah no,
Speaker 2: I know I'm reacting because I think what's really interesting
Speaker 2: is that there's a lot of people who say they're experts,
Speaker 2: but really the only people you can trust as experts
Speaker 2: are the people that are actually doing it. And I
Speaker 2: feel like there's a lot of bad advice I see
Speaker 2: all the time, Like there'll be someone on Instagram saying
Speaker 2: this is what to do on Instagram and someone will
Speaker 2: show it to me my friend or something saying oh ja,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, check how many follows that person has,
Speaker 2: Check what their engagement is like, check how many comments
Speaker 2: they get. Yeah, don't trust them. Like it's just someone
Speaker 2: saying something and it sounds really convincing, and it sounds
Speaker 2: really well put, but they don't have the they don't
Speaker 2: have the engagement or anything to follow it.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly. And the thing I think that that was
Speaker 1: a bad choice for me because it was bad advice
Speaker 1: that I took because for me, I'm I'm an orator,
Speaker 1: I'm a rock and tour. I needed to be storytelling.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: On I guess YouTube really being the greatest vote. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at your YouTube, plaqu right there. So so here
Speaker 1: I am, I'm rebuilding my YouTube now.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then the other thing is is you know, forgive
Speaker 1: the advice that you took that was wrong and start again.
Speaker 1: And here I am, I'm like literally like I might
Speaker 1: as well be like a bro in Bushwick and like
Speaker 1: a studio apartment like hacking, you know, making my YouTube
Speaker 1: channel with all the packages. But I'm having fun with
Speaker 1: it and that you know that creative force it self.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah for sure. Yeah, how do we do that?
Speaker 2: Like that's let's take that really practical thing, like often
Speaker 2: we got bad advice, we took a wrong turn, a
Speaker 2: relationship took us off track. How do you use this
Speaker 2: to get over that? Because that is like one of
Speaker 2: those things that could just be a thorn forever that
Speaker 2: you're just like God, that person I didn't date them
Speaker 2: for three years. If I didn't take that advice, I
Speaker 2: wouldn't have wasted those six years of my life blogging
Speaker 2: whatever it is. How do we apply that to this?
Speaker 1: Oh my God, I think I'm a master. I should
Speaker 1: write a book about this. I am a master at
Speaker 1: self forgiveness. And I think that I have been because
Speaker 1: it's like a flip that I just switched for myself,
Speaker 1: particularly in my sobriety, where I had to just just choose.
Speaker 1: I think that that's a choice you make to carry
Speaker 1: the burdens of your past or to choose to step
Speaker 1: into what could be your opportunity in the moment. So
Speaker 1: someone right now could have a quantum shift right here,
Speaker 1: right now. We could give them a quantum shift right here,
Speaker 1: right now if they choose to start to say, I
Speaker 1: forgive myself. I forgive myself, even if you just fake
Speaker 1: it till you make it. I forgive myself. Okay. And
Speaker 1: I like to kind of speak to myself like this, Jay,
Speaker 1: I'll do something that's kind of wobbly, maybe not the
Speaker 1: greatest thing I say. I'll talk like this, I'll go Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: we did that again. Okay, we did that again? Who
Speaker 1: do I how do I need to clean it up?
Speaker 1: What do I need to who do I make amends to?
Speaker 1: Who do I check? What part do I check in with?
Speaker 1: And then, very quickly, how do I choose again?
Speaker 2: Yeah? How do I choose again? That question shifts it
Speaker 2: completely because it was a choice. You had the power. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you made a choice, and yeah, I agree. I mean,
Speaker 2: I've pivoted so many times in my career and my
Speaker 2: life and so many things, and it's it's only been
Speaker 2: because I've followed self. Yes, And that's where I know
Speaker 2: when I'm not living my best life is when I'm
Speaker 2: not following self totally. And I think the challenge is
Speaker 2: that self can get very quiet for people. And you
Speaker 2: talk a lot about trusting yourself ultimately, and it's you
Speaker 2: can't trust yourself when you can't hear yourself, and you
Speaker 2: can't hear yourself because you haven't listened to yourself for
Speaker 2: so long. And this book is helping you get back
Speaker 2: to that so that you're not making decisions based on
Speaker 2: rationale or logic or pros and cons lists, but you're
Speaker 2: actually having clarity from within, which is such a gift, and.
Speaker 1: If you think about that clarity from within. Okay, So
Speaker 1: if you're struggling to change a relationship, this will guide
Speaker 1: you to that clarity. If you are struggling to forgive
Speaker 1: a past behavior that's been holding you back, this will
Speaker 1: help you release that behavior and start to connect to
Speaker 1: that clarity. So that essence of accessing the energy that
Speaker 1: we need. All anyone listening wants to create in this lifetime.
Speaker 1: They have visions, they have dreams, they have desires. It's
Speaker 1: not about how often you say it. It's not about
Speaker 1: how many vision boards you create. It's not about how
Speaker 1: many affirmations you say. It's about how you relate to
Speaker 1: yourself inside, because you're always attracting who you are, you
Speaker 1: manifest tract you are.
Speaker 2: Question number three, what are you feeling really clear about
Speaker 2: right now?
Speaker 1: Hmm? Very very clear about YouTube. I'm really clear about
Speaker 1: where I want to put my energy, where I want
Speaker 1: to focus my energy.
Speaker 2: What a great place to be. Question number four, what's
Speaker 2: something you used to value that you no longer value?
Speaker 1: External validation? I mean I value it, like you said earlier,
Speaker 1: it's nice, but it was something that was very important
Speaker 1: for me and I needed it, and I don't feel
Speaker 1: it that way anymore.
Speaker 2: Switched. Yeah. Fifth and final question, we asked this every
Speaker 2: guest who's ever been on the show. If you could
Speaker 2: create one law that everyone in the world had to follow,
Speaker 2: what would it be to get to.
Speaker 1: Know your parts? Yeah, he heal on the inside. I
Speaker 1: actually do really believe that. I believe that if everyone
Speaker 1: was doing this type of work, that we would be
Speaker 1: living in a very different place.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because we wouldn't Yeah, because we wouldn't be throwing
Speaker 2: our wounds over the place.
Speaker 1: We'd be help self help. We'd be helping ourselves. We'd
Speaker 1: be living accessing more self And what really the only
Speaker 1: way to change the frequency, or change the trajectory that
Speaker 1: we're on is to actually, on an individual level, start
Speaker 1: to heal. And in that inner healing, we start to
Speaker 1: lead in our own corners with that self led energy.
Speaker 1: And it's community right now. I mean, this is what
Speaker 1: I've been channeling in my meditations. It's it's getting inside,
Speaker 1: doing the inner work, and then bringing that self led
Speaker 1: energy into your local community and that will have a
Speaker 1: ripple effect.
Speaker 2: Everyone in the book, it's called self help. This is
Speaker 2: your chance to change your life. Gabby Bernstein. Go and
Speaker 2: follow her on YouTube, on Instagram and TikTok. Subscribe to
Speaker 2: all of Gabby's channels so that you don't miss out.
Speaker 2: And please please go and grab a copy of the
Speaker 2: book to do the work yourself, to save yourself so
Speaker 2: mu's time, energy, money in the long term for your
Speaker 2: own good, the good of your family, your partner, whoever
Speaker 2: else may be in your life, your friends, your community.
Speaker 2: Thank you again Gabby for coming on the show. It's
Speaker 2: great to have you back and have this conversation. And
Speaker 2: thank you. I'm so grateful for your work. I love you,
Speaker 2: Thank you, I love you too. Thanks Gavy. If this
Speaker 2: is the year that you're trying to get creative, you're
Speaker 2: trying to build more, I need you to listen to
Speaker 2: this episode with Rick Rubin on how to break into
Speaker 2: your most creative self, how to use unconventional methods that
Speaker 2: lead to success, and the secret to genuinely loving what
Speaker 2: you do. If you're trying to find your passion and
Speaker 2: your lane, Rick Rubin's episode is the one for you.
Speaker 1: Just because I like it, that doesn't give it any value,
Speaker 1: Like as an artist, if you like it, that's all
Speaker 1: of the value. That's the success comes when you say
Speaker 1: I like this enough for other people to see it.