WEBVTT - Gabrielle Bernstein: The Simple 4-Step Method to Heal Anxiety, Stop Overthinking, and Stop People-Pleasing for Good 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.560 The aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama and 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:05.239 most chaos in our life are the most hated aspects 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:07.880 are actually the parts of us that are working so 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:09.440 hard to protect us. 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.160 Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you 0:00:13.240 --> 0:00:17.640 come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's guest 0:00:17.720 --> 0:00:20.200 is one of my dear friends, one of my favorites, 0:00:20.239 --> 0:00:23.040 and someone that is so deeply important to me. And 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:26.040 I'll tell you about something special in a second. Today's 0:00:26.040 --> 0:00:29.480 guest is the one and only Gabrielle Bernstein, number one 0:00:29.640 --> 0:00:34.160 New York Times best selling author on multiple occasions, spiritual 0:00:34.200 --> 0:00:39.240 teacher and speaker, known for making personal growth accessible and practical. 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:43.240 Gabby has written multiple New York Times best selling books, 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:47.080 including The Universe Has Your Back. Her latest book, though 0:00:47.440 --> 0:00:53.159 Self Help, brings internal family systems therapy into everyday life. 0:00:53.240 --> 0:00:55.160 If you have no idea what that is, I promise 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:57.520 you it is going to change your life. Stick around 0:00:57.520 --> 0:01:00.520 for this episode because Gabby is a lead reading voice 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:04.040 on wellness stages around the world and continues to inspire 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:08.959 millions through her talks, courses, and online community. Please welcome 0:01:09.160 --> 0:01:12.600 my dear friend, Gabby Bernstein. Gabby it's so great to 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:15.399 have you back. I love that we were just talking 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:18.679 about how the first time we met was literally nine 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:22.640 years ago to a couple of weeks from now, and 0:01:23.560 --> 0:01:27.119 I remember I had just launched this brand new show 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:31.319 at Half Post called Follow the Reader. You were at 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:35.240 the top of our booking list. You said yes, and 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:37.920 I must have interviewed you in my second week at 0:01:37.920 --> 0:01:41.080 the job, yep, and we became instant friends. You became 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:43.520 such a dear mentor someone that I turned to for advice. 0:01:44.080 --> 0:01:46.920 And I'm so grateful to you because from day one, 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:51.160 when I literally had nothing to offer you, you were supportive, kind, helpful. 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:53.920 You're the real deal. And I love saying that about 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:57.280 people because it's very rare. So thank you and thank 0:01:57.280 --> 0:01:57.880 you for being here. 0:01:58.040 --> 0:02:00.760 I walked out of that interview and I looked at 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:03.400 my publicist and I said to her, first, I'm going 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:05.880 to be friends with that guy, Like that guy's my friend, 0:02:06.320 --> 0:02:08.079 and second I'm like he's a superstar. I was like, 0:02:08.160 --> 0:02:10.200 just watch this career blow up and here we are. 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:12.160 So I love you, so grateful, and I'm so grateful 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:15.680 you put this book together. Because my wife actually interview 0:02:15.840 --> 0:02:19.440 her on her podcasts and the first thing she said 0:02:19.480 --> 0:02:21.359 to me, she was like, oh my gosh, I had 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:25.520 no idea what internal family systems is, and I have 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:27.720 no idea how powerful it was until I spoke to 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:30.120 Gabby and she was raving about it, like she couldn't. 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.680 I was like, yeah, I love Gabby obviously, but she couldn't. 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:35.360 It was something that really impacted her. And I think 0:02:35.400 --> 0:02:37.200 that's what this book has done. I think that's what 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:41.600 you sharing of IFS has done. Please for all of 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:44.240 us who may not be familiar with it. What is 0:02:44.320 --> 0:02:47.720 Internal family systems therapy, How does it work, and what's 0:02:47.720 --> 0:02:48.120 the goal? 0:02:48.919 --> 0:02:52.519 Internal Family systems therapy, which is also known as IFS, 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:55.799 is the therapy that changed my life. And it is 0:02:55.960 --> 0:03:01.519 a practice of befriending the act of parts of ourselves, 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:04.400 the aspects of ourselves that often we might like the 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:07.720 least so the parts of ourselves that can be hyper 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:12.880 vigilant or addicted or extreme in any way, or the 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:15.480 belief systems and patterns that hold us back from what 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:18.000 we really want. Oftentimes we want to just shut those 0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:20.160 parts of ourselves down right, Oh I hate that part 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:21.560 of myself, or I don't want to be there again, 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:23.519 or how did I end up in that situation again? 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:26.920 It's about befriending those parts of ourselves and healing and 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:32.160 accessing this relationship to these parts rather than making them 0:03:32.360 --> 0:03:37.360 bad or wrong, but starting to get into relationship with 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:41.120 these aspects of ourselves, because really, Jay, they're just little 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:42.480 children inside you. 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:44.920 Saying that, I mean, hearing that just now has literally 0:03:44.960 --> 0:03:49.320 given me goosebumps because it's so profound, because I feel 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:52.000 like most of our self help efforts, or most of 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:56.120 our self work efforts as of now, are all about 0:03:56.160 --> 0:03:58.920 never feeling that way again exactly. So It's like, how 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:01.960 do I never the feel anxious ever again? How do 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:06.600 I completely block out the inner critic? How do I 0:04:06.760 --> 0:04:09.520 never experience this ever again? In my life? 0:04:09.640 --> 0:04:12.320 You're nailing it pretty much. What happens is is as 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:15.160 young children, we have these experiences of trauma with a 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:16.880 big tea or trauma with a small tea. We all 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.080 have them. It doesn't matter how big or small. We've 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:21.760 all had them. Maybe you were bullied on the playground, 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:25.200 or maybe you had extreme trauma like an abuse or 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:28.599 a parent that was alcoholic, no matter what that moment 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:31.039 in time was as a child, or multiple moments in time, 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:37.240 those experiences of feeling terror or unlovable or inadequate, not 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:41.360 good enough, those were such extreme feelings that we would 0:04:41.400 --> 0:04:44.039 do whatever it took to protect against them. Just like 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:47.120 you said, I never want to feel that again. So 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:49.720 what we did was you start to build up protection mechanisms. 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:53.360 And those protection mechanisms could be like controlling, or they 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:58.159 could be people pleasing or perfectionism, or in my case, 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:02.480 control was a big one age or then addiction. And 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:07.000 these protection mechanisms become these aspects of ourselves that really 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:10.960 run the show. They're called protector parts, and so in IFS, 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:14.080 the whole intention is to start to get to know 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:17.840 these protector parts, soften to them, recognize them, and these 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:19.840 protection mechanisms that we've been living with for as long 0:05:19.880 --> 0:05:23.719 as we can remember, to recognize them as young little 0:05:23.760 --> 0:05:27.599 children inside who need the care of our inner self, 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:30.919 of our higher self. And that's what in IFS is 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:33.200 called self, which is why the book is called self help. 0:05:33.760 --> 0:05:36.000 And I mean go on and on about the inner 0:05:36.040 --> 0:05:38.920 workings of self help, which we'll do today. But really 0:05:38.680 --> 0:05:43.560 my intention with this book, Jay, was to democratize and 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:49.200 demystify and simplify this extraordinary therapy that my friend, doctor 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:52.880 Richard Schwartz created, and I went on to be trained 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:56.080 in the model, and after doing the therapy for a 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.440 decade for myself with my own therapist and then getting 0:05:59.480 --> 0:06:01.840 trained in it, it was very clear to me that 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:03.800 I was going to do what I do, which is 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:07.719 translate and simplify, and that's what this is. This is 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:10.400 a self help practice based on the principles of IFS. 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:13.559 It's so counterintuitive to what I think we've been told 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:15.760 for so long, and so it takes a second. But 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:17.960 you said something at the start of the interview a 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:20.520 few moments ago about how it actually changed your life 0:06:21.520 --> 0:06:24.400 and what was it that took you and drew you 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:26.520 to IFS. How did that come to be in your life, 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:29.320 and where were you at in your life when this 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:31.560 became something that was relevant for you. 0:06:31.960 --> 0:06:34.200 It was a real accident. I didn't know that it 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:37.159 was there. I was with the same therapist for about 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:41.520 seven stepond or eight years, and midway through my therapy, 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:45.000 I actually remembered in a dream trauma from my childhood, 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:49.560 extreme trauma, big T trauma. In that journey of undoing 0:06:49.600 --> 0:06:52.919 that trauma, she began practicing IFS with me I didn't 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:55.080 know that we were doing it. I just was doing 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:56.360 the thing that she wanted me to do. And it's 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:58.159 actually really hard for me to do at the time, 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:01.039 because she was wanting me to start to tap into 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:03.640 these aspects of myself and start to get to know, 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:09.240 get into relationship with the addict or the anxiety, or 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:13.800 the extreme patterns of rage or the controller, which were 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.800 all protection mechanisms that had been blocking me from remembering 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:20.760 that trauma. And I remember it was about twenty twenty. 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:23.040 I was at home, as we all were, and I'm 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:26.600 watching this YouTube video with this man, doctor Richard Schwartz. 0:07:26.640 --> 0:07:28.960 I just stumbled upon it, and I'm watching this video 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:31.520 and I'm like, this guy's talking about this therapy he created. 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:33.720 And as I'm hearing him talk about it, I'm realizing 0:07:33.800 --> 0:07:35.880 that's the thing I've been doing for all these years 0:07:35.880 --> 0:07:38.800 with my therapist. And it was so exciting to me. 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:39.920 And it was just around the time that I was 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:42.160 starting my own podcast, so I reached out to him 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:43.360 and he was one of the third people I had 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:46.440 on the show because it was just my mission to 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:48.640 uncover as much as I could about this therapy that 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:51.360 was really healing me. And then Dick really encouraged me 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:53.160 to go on and get the training, and so as 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:54.480 one of the last people to be able to do 0:07:54.480 --> 0:07:57.200 the facilitator training, that isn't a therapist, it isn't a 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:01.240 licensed therapist. So it was definitely divinely time. And I 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:03.400 think when you get trained in something and you know this, 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:06.080 when you do the training and you undergo what it 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:09.000 would mean to be a facilitator of that work, it 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:11.360 starts to get into your system in a way that 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.920 it benefits you even more. I think we borrow the 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:19.720 benefits as teachers. We start to experience the work in 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:23.320 a different way, becomes so integrated, and that accelerated my 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:26.120 experience of IFS, which then made me realize, you know, 0:08:26.120 --> 0:08:28.920 I can't just expect that everyone's going to be able 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:30.680 to get to this therapy because they won't be able 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:32.600 to afford it, or there's not enough therapists out there, 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:34.600 or they won't even know that it's there. So I've 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:36.960 got to make it easy and accessible for people to use. 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:41.640 And particularly right now, people need resources and they need 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:46.400 tools to access on the fly, and we need an 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:48.199 inner sense of safety inside. 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:50.600 So where do people stop to start? 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:53.000 You have to just first recognize that there are parts 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:56.040 of yourself that are activated to just you know, if 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:59.720 you've ever said something like, there's a part of me 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:03.880 it gets really angry and rageful when my wife does X, 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:06.360 or a part of me checks out when I'm around 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:09.479 my parents, or a part of me is really defensive 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:13.000 at work when I'm around authority. Figures those parts of 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:15.600 yourself are not who you are, they are parts of 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:19.319 who you are, and they're protection mechanisms. And so having 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:23.880 this experience of being the witness without any judgment of 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:27.880 these aspects of yourself that may actually be aspects of 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:30.440 yourself that you've really judged and really hated for a 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:33.400 long time. But being that non judgmental witness of these 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:37.480 parts of yourself and recognizing how long has that part 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:40.440 been around every time you're going to say as long 0:09:40.480 --> 0:09:42.800 as I can remember, since I was a kid, since 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:46.480 I was five, and then asking yourself, Okay, well, what 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:50.440 is that part really trying to do here? It's trying 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:53.680 to protect you. And so that's the first step is 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:56.200 to recognize that the aspects of ourselves that cause the 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:58.120 most drama and most chaos in our life or the 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:02.920 most oftentimes hated aspects are actually the parts of us 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:06.840 that are working so hard to protect us. And you know, 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:10.000 I've been sober now twenty years, twenty years right now, 0:10:10.480 --> 0:10:13.640 and I can look back at the cocaine addict part 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:16.600 at twenty five years old and just look at her 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.120 with so much love and so much compassion and just 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:23.880 say thank you for working so hard to keep down 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:26.800 these impermissible feelings that I was not ready to face. 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:32.199 So it starts by spotting a pattern, yeah, that you 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:36.199 see repeated that you don't like about yourself. 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:40.520 A belief, maybe a belief, a pattern, a behavior that 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:45.160 you find to be extreme in some way that's causing 0:10:45.200 --> 0:10:48.560 some issues in your life or oftentimes the parts of ourselves. 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:50.320 And I'll just give a bunch of examples. So for me, 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:55.199 the controller, we have the anxiety, the addict. There is 0:10:55.240 --> 0:10:57.880 a part that I named called knives out, and it 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:00.640 was really like, if you mess with me, knives are 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.440 coming out. And she's a really unburdened part. Now that 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:05.960 part is doing okay, But for a long time it 0:11:06.000 --> 0:11:07.440 was like I could be the greatest person, but if 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:09.920 you messed with me, it's just like this defensiveness was 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:11.920 going to just come out in such an extreme way, 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:16.000 and even parts of ourselves that might be praised. For example, 0:11:16.160 --> 0:11:18.920 for years, I was just sort of a workaholic, and 0:11:18.920 --> 0:11:20.600 people would be like, wow, Gabby, you write a book 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:22.280 a year and you're doing so much, and you'd be 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:24.960 praised for these aspects of yourself, But meanwhile it was 0:11:25.000 --> 0:11:27.560 destroying me. And you've known me through that time. You've 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:29.760 seen me through those sort of destructive eras of my 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:33.160 life where I was just pounding and grinding, I was running, 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:36.440 I was protecting against deep feelings that I wasn't ready 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:40.320 to face. And so these aspects might not necessarily be 0:11:40.360 --> 0:11:44.800 perceived as bad, but they're causing and creating chaos nonetheless. 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:47.920 And the thing that's really important for me about this 0:11:48.160 --> 0:11:51.240 work is that it's very spiritual work. And as you know, 0:11:51.800 --> 0:11:54.040 all my work up to this point has been really 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:57.120 grounded in spiritual beliefs and faith and my own faith 0:11:57.160 --> 0:12:00.880 and my own truth around my spiritual practic this. But 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:06.120 what's gorgeous about this is it's really marrying therapeutic processes 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:11.440 with a spiritual experience. And I can get to that 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:12.280 that's what self is. 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:15.240 Yeah, yeah, let's talk about that. I mean, I was 0:12:15.280 --> 0:12:17.360 going to ask you that you're saying a lot of 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:23.000 these protection mechanisms they ultimately bury this self. 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:28.439 They are blocking that's right, yes, Because there's this beautiful 0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:32.679 quote by IFS practitioner, and I'll just i'll share it. 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:37.120 It's that self is like the sun behind the clouds, 0:12:37.640 --> 0:12:40.840 and when the clouds dissipate, the sun begins to emerge naturally. 0:12:41.440 --> 0:12:45.760 So you've had anyone watching has had experience. Anyone listening 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:50.200 or watching has had experiences of self, those moments when 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:54.720 you're just in complete flow, when you're playing pickleball with Lewis, 0:12:55.200 --> 0:12:59.360 when you're cooking with Roddy, when you're you're you're in 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:01.559 self right now, you looked me in the eye before 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:03.439 this at this show started, you asked me one of 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:05.920 the most beautiful questions. I almost started crying before we began. 0:13:06.320 --> 0:13:12.160 That's your self energy, it's calm, it's courageous, it's curious, 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:17.880 it's connected, it's clear, creative, I think I said, and 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:24.000 confident is these sea quality, compassionate and it's almost an 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:28.360 oftentimes very childlike wonder. It's just just. And the reason actually, 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:30.480 I think that you're such an excellent interviewer is because 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:35.880 you interview with a lot of self, the curiosity, the connection, clarity, 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:38.480 you know, that's also what comes through. That's what people 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:41.200 feel even healed in the presence of self, and so 0:13:41.240 --> 0:13:44.400 that self energy all of us have, but we blocked it. 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:46.839 We've blocked it with all these protectors. But the good 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:48.000 news is it never left us. 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:51.960 Yeah, and that's what you're saying. We've all had these glimpses, yes, 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:55.280 of our compassionate self, our creative self, our kind self. Yes, 0:13:55.960 --> 0:14:00.360 And you're so right that all of our triggers blocked that. 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:04.800 Even I was thinking about this just how trying to 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:07.480 think of someone who spoke to the other day, who 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:11.040 you could tell there was this almost fight inside. 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:13.559 Of them where their. 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:20.600 Insecurity about something was unlocking their ego, when in reality 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:24.359 they wanted to follow their higher self and be compassionate. 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:27.520 And I think that's what we all go through. I 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.520 think the truth is Gaby that and we can both 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:31.120 speak to this. You've done this work for so long 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:33.760 now in helping so many millions of people across the world. 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:40.120 People are exhausted right now, and doing this work requires 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:44.920 a lot of effort and energy and time and courage. 0:14:45.160 --> 0:14:48.480 How do people bring themselves to actually do this, to 0:14:48.560 --> 0:14:51.040 unlock their self when it just feels like it's so 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:55.600 far blocked and it's so far removed, and we feel 0:14:55.640 --> 0:15:01.400 so far away from feeling that creative, compassionate, powerful self 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:03.960 that we all have and that we will are well. 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:07.680 I think if someone's coming to this with that energy 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:09.720 of I don't have time for this, or this is 0:15:09.880 --> 0:15:13.920 too much, or I'd ask that person, well, how is 0:15:13.960 --> 0:15:18.120 it all working out for you this way? Because we 0:15:19.280 --> 0:15:22.600 think it's hard, We think that self help practices are hard, 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:25.160 or spiritual practice is hard, But the truth is is 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:29.960 that not having that foundation is much more difficult. And 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:33.560 not having that foundation in this critical time, this is 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:37.160 a very critical time. If we don't have a faith 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:41.000 of our own understanding, or a therapeutic or a spiritual 0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:44.040 or self help practice of our own understanding, or a 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:48.680 tool of accessing some kind of interconnection to inner wisdom, inspiration, 0:15:48.840 --> 0:15:51.640 intuition in our guidance. If we don't have that right now, 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:53.760 we're going to be like a fish out of water. 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:56.840 We're going to be flailing around. We're going to feel 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:01.480 really unstable, really uncertain, really anxious, and really scared. And 0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:06.040 I think that's most people right now, anyone watching or 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:10.440 listening you to this interview, is on the track of 0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:14.000 wanting more. So they've already begun the first step. They 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:17.760 would not be following you if they weren't interested in 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:22.560 seeking their ability to self soothe, to self correct, to 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:26.120 feel a sense of safety inside. So they're already ninety 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:29.800 percent of the way there because they're listening. But the 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:33.840 practice that I've created, that I've outlined here is taking 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:37.840 this big body of work that does oftentimes feel like 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:41.440 a lot to go into therapy every single week, to 0:16:41.560 --> 0:16:45.560 sit down, to open up to some of those deepest, 0:16:45.240 --> 0:16:50.240 most vulnerable parts of ourselves. And so this is really 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:52.800 a way to scratch the surface and to do it 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:56.160 safely because I'm not going to those exiled parts and 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:59.120 not going to that little traumatized child. We're going to 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:00.760 the day to day mechanism. 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:02.000 Yeah. Yeah, And it's a. 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:04.240 Four step practice. It's a simple four stet practice. 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:08.080 So what do we do once we've identified this pattern, Yes, 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:13.639 whether it's anxiety, people pleasing, avoidance control, what do you 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:16.159 then do once you've found this pattern that has been 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:19.120 a protector but ultimately is the block of himself? 0:17:19.280 --> 0:17:22.120 Yeah? So these patterns are the way that we check out. 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:24.119 And so the practice in the book is called the 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:27.119 four step check in process, and it's checking in with 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:30.280 the part and so the if you have enough space 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:34.000 between that stimulus and the reaction. So let's say you 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:37.360 are at work and your boss triggers you, and you're like, Okay, 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:38.840 I got to get out of this office right now, 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:40.240 and I got to go into the bathroom, and I 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:42.119 got to check in with myself because otherwise I'm going 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:44.399 to do something I'm gonna regret. So you step away, 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:47.359 or you typically stepping away is very valuable, or you 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:49.600 maybe the next day you want to check in because 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:52.960 it's still lingery. You get out of the instant of 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:56.439 the trigger, and then you choose to check in instead 0:17:56.440 --> 0:17:59.280 of check out. So it's focusing your attention inward as 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:02.760 the first step just looking inside, just even closing your 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:07.160 eyes and focusing your attention inside. The second step is curiosity. 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:09.200 So that's where you start to just tease it out 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:11.120 a little bit and you'll say, Okay, where does that 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:13.240 part of me live in my body? Where do I 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:15.639 feel it? And you'll notice it's in my jar, or 0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:18.119 it's in my stomach or my chest or my shoulders 0:18:18.200 --> 0:18:21.040 or wherever it lives. You'll ask a few more questions, 0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:25.000 are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached with 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.399 this belief or pattern, And then you'll hear you know 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:30.359 I'm not good enough, or you know I can, or 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:32.600 maybe you'll have an image. You know, I see myself 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:34.639 and I'm five years old and the bully on the 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:37.720 playground is yelling at me, or whatever that storyline was, 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:40.960 and or you know, my dad just left or whatever 0:18:41.000 --> 0:18:44.440 the experience. Maybe you'll see the image or you'll hear words. 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:48.880 So you just keep teasing it out, just noticing thoughts, feeling, sensations, 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:51.600 what's happening inside. And once you have a little bit 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:54.680 of connection, remember that self, you're going to connect deeper 0:18:54.720 --> 0:18:57.159 with compassion, which is the third step, and you're going 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:59.800 to ask the part not yourself. You're asking the part 0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:02.760 of the activated part of you, what do you need? 0:19:04.000 --> 0:19:06.639 And Jay, it'll be blown away. The part will say 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:10.639 I need to dance, I need to rest, I need 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:14.280 to play. Because what do these parts need? They need 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:16.600 to be kids again, they need to return to that 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:22.439 natural role of being innocent, or I need love. And 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:24.560 then once you have that third step. The fourth step 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:26.879 is very easy, and it's really checking for self. So 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:29.000 you're going to check in for those c qualities. Do 0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:31.639 I feel calm? Do I feel more compassionate? Do I 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:34.680 feel connected? Do I have some clarity? Do I feel 0:19:34.680 --> 0:19:37.520 a little courageous to have creative energy buzzying inside of me? 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:42.240 Oftentimes you'll very quickly feel calmer, you feel some courage 0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:45.400 and clarity is a big one that comes through quickly too. 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:49.679 And so those four steps rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. 0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:52.040 And I've prescribed this. I've looked at my audiences and 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:55.520 I've said, okay, listen, what about one minute a day? 0:19:55.560 --> 0:19:57.800 Four steps is bothering you? And everyone's like, nothing, I 0:19:57.800 --> 0:19:59.639 can do that. And so that's it, one minute a 0:19:59.680 --> 0:20:02.080 day steps. Because the thing is, once you do this 0:20:02.160 --> 0:20:04.800 one time, then you can realize, oh wait, I can 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:06.960 do this maybe in an hour from now, or I 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:08.320 can do it before I'm going to bed when I'm 0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:11.160 having anxiety, or I can do it after that deep 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:13.880 conversation with my partner that really activated me. I can 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:17.919 keep coming back to this really simply without feeling like 0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:21.280 it's a burden. It can be as little or as 0:20:21.359 --> 0:20:25.240 much as you want. 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