1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,560 Speaker 1: The aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama and 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,239 Speaker 1: most chaos in our life are the most hated aspects 3 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,880 Speaker 1: are actually the parts of us that are working so 4 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: hard to protect us. 5 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,160 Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you 6 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:17,640 Speaker 2: come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's guest 7 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,200 Speaker 2: is one of my dear friends, one of my favorites, 8 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 2: and someone that is so deeply important to me. And 9 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,040 Speaker 2: I'll tell you about something special in a second. Today's 10 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:29,480 Speaker 2: guest is the one and only Gabrielle Bernstein, number one 11 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 2: New York Times best selling author on multiple occasions, spiritual 12 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:39,240 Speaker 2: teacher and speaker, known for making personal growth accessible and practical. 13 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,240 Speaker 2: Gabby has written multiple New York Times best selling books, 14 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,080 Speaker 2: including The Universe Has Your Back. Her latest book, though 15 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:53,159 Speaker 2: Self Help, brings internal family systems therapy into everyday life. 16 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 2: If you have no idea what that is, I promise 17 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 2: you it is going to change your life. Stick around 18 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 2: for this episode because Gabby is a lead reading voice 19 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,040 Speaker 2: on wellness stages around the world and continues to inspire 20 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:08,959 Speaker 2: millions through her talks, courses, and online community. Please welcome 21 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,600 Speaker 2: my dear friend, Gabby Bernstein. Gabby it's so great to 22 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,399 Speaker 2: have you back. I love that we were just talking 23 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 2: about how the first time we met was literally nine 24 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,640 Speaker 2: years ago to a couple of weeks from now, and 25 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:27,119 Speaker 2: I remember I had just launched this brand new show 26 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 2: at Half Post called Follow the Reader. You were at 27 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 2: the top of our booking list. You said yes, and 28 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 2: I must have interviewed you in my second week at 29 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 2: the job, yep, and we became instant friends. You became 30 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 2: such a dear mentor someone that I turned to for advice. 31 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 2: And I'm so grateful to you because from day one, 32 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 2: when I literally had nothing to offer you, you were supportive, kind, helpful. 33 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 2: You're the real deal. And I love saying that about 34 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,280 Speaker 2: people because it's very rare. So thank you and thank 35 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 2: you for being here. 36 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: I walked out of that interview and I looked at 37 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,400 Speaker 1: my publicist and I said to her, first, I'm going 38 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 1: to be friends with that guy, Like that guy's my friend, 39 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,079 Speaker 1: and second I'm like he's a superstar. I was like, 40 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 1: just watch this career blow up and here we are. 41 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 2: So I love you, so grateful, and I'm so grateful 42 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 2: you put this book together. Because my wife actually interview 43 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 2: her on her podcasts and the first thing she said 44 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,359 Speaker 2: to me, she was like, oh my gosh, I had 45 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 2: no idea what internal family systems is, and I have 46 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 2: no idea how powerful it was until I spoke to 47 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 2: Gabby and she was raving about it, like she couldn't. 48 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I love Gabby obviously, but she couldn't. 49 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 2: It was something that really impacted her. And I think 50 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 2: that's what this book has done. I think that's what 51 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 2: you sharing of IFS has done. Please for all of 52 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 2: us who may not be familiar with it. What is 53 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 2: Internal family systems therapy, How does it work, and what's 54 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 2: the goal? 55 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:52,519 Speaker 1: Internal Family systems therapy, which is also known as IFS, 56 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,799 Speaker 1: is the therapy that changed my life. And it is 57 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:01,519 Speaker 1: a practice of befriending the act of parts of ourselves, 58 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: the aspects of ourselves that often we might like the 59 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 1: least so the parts of ourselves that can be hyper 60 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 1: vigilant or addicted or extreme in any way, or the 61 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: belief systems and patterns that hold us back from what 62 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 1: we really want. Oftentimes we want to just shut those 63 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: parts of ourselves down right, Oh I hate that part 64 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 1: of myself, or I don't want to be there again, 65 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,519 Speaker 1: or how did I end up in that situation again? 66 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,920 Speaker 1: It's about befriending those parts of ourselves and healing and 67 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 1: accessing this relationship to these parts rather than making them 68 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 1: bad or wrong, but starting to get into relationship with 69 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,120 Speaker 1: these aspects of ourselves, because really, Jay, they're just little 70 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 1: children inside you. 71 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 2: Saying that, I mean, hearing that just now has literally 72 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,320 Speaker 2: given me goosebumps because it's so profound, because I feel 73 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 2: like most of our self help efforts, or most of 74 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,120 Speaker 2: our self work efforts as of now, are all about 75 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 2: never feeling that way again exactly. So It's like, how 76 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 2: do I never the feel anxious ever again? How do 77 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 2: I completely block out the inner critic? How do I 78 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 2: never experience this ever again? In my life? 79 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: You're nailing it pretty much. What happens is is as 80 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: young children, we have these experiences of trauma with a 81 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 1: big tea or trauma with a small tea. We all 82 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: have them. It doesn't matter how big or small. We've 83 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,760 Speaker 1: all had them. Maybe you were bullied on the playground, 84 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: or maybe you had extreme trauma like an abuse or 85 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 1: a parent that was alcoholic, no matter what that moment 86 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,039 Speaker 1: in time was as a child, or multiple moments in time, 87 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: those experiences of feeling terror or unlovable or inadequate, not 88 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:41,360 Speaker 1: good enough, those were such extreme feelings that we would 89 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,039 Speaker 1: do whatever it took to protect against them. Just like 90 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: you said, I never want to feel that again. So 91 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,720 Speaker 1: what we did was you start to build up protection mechanisms. 92 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 1: And those protection mechanisms could be like controlling, or they 93 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:58,159 Speaker 1: could be people pleasing or perfectionism, or in my case, 94 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,480 Speaker 1: control was a big one age or then addiction. And 95 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:07,000 Speaker 1: these protection mechanisms become these aspects of ourselves that really 96 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: run the show. They're called protector parts, and so in IFS, 97 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: the whole intention is to start to get to know 98 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,840 Speaker 1: these protector parts, soften to them, recognize them, and these 99 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,840 Speaker 1: protection mechanisms that we've been living with for as long 100 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 1: as we can remember, to recognize them as young little 101 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,599 Speaker 1: children inside who need the care of our inner self, 102 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:30,919 Speaker 1: of our higher self. And that's what in IFS is 103 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: called self, which is why the book is called self help. 104 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: And I mean go on and on about the inner 105 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 1: workings of self help, which we'll do today. But really 106 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,560 Speaker 1: my intention with this book, Jay, was to democratize and 107 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:49,200 Speaker 1: demystify and simplify this extraordinary therapy that my friend, doctor 108 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:52,880 Speaker 1: Richard Schwartz created, and I went on to be trained 109 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 1: in the model, and after doing the therapy for a 110 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: decade for myself with my own therapist and then getting 111 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,840 Speaker 1: trained in it, it was very clear to me that 112 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 1: I was going to do what I do, which is 113 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,719 Speaker 1: translate and simplify, and that's what this is. This is 114 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 1: a self help practice based on the principles of IFS. 115 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,559 Speaker 2: It's so counterintuitive to what I think we've been told 116 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: for so long, and so it takes a second. But 117 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 2: you said something at the start of the interview a 118 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,520 Speaker 2: few moments ago about how it actually changed your life 119 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 2: and what was it that took you and drew you 120 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 2: to IFS. How did that come to be in your life, 121 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 2: and where were you at in your life when this 122 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 2: became something that was relevant for you. 123 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 1: It was a real accident. I didn't know that it 124 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,159 Speaker 1: was there. I was with the same therapist for about 125 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 1: seven stepond or eight years, and midway through my therapy, 126 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 1: I actually remembered in a dream trauma from my childhood, 127 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: extreme trauma, big T trauma. In that journey of undoing 128 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,919 Speaker 1: that trauma, she began practicing IFS with me I didn't 129 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 1: know that we were doing it. I just was doing 130 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,360 Speaker 1: the thing that she wanted me to do. And it's 131 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,159 Speaker 1: actually really hard for me to do at the time, 132 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: because she was wanting me to start to tap into 133 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,640 Speaker 1: these aspects of myself and start to get to know, 134 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: get into relationship with the addict or the anxiety, or 135 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: the extreme patterns of rage or the controller, which were 136 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 1: all protection mechanisms that had been blocking me from remembering 137 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: that trauma. And I remember it was about twenty twenty. 138 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 1: I was at home, as we all were, and I'm 139 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 1: watching this YouTube video with this man, doctor Richard Schwartz. 140 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: I just stumbled upon it, and I'm watching this video 141 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 1: and I'm like, this guy's talking about this therapy he created. 142 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,720 Speaker 1: And as I'm hearing him talk about it, I'm realizing 143 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,880 Speaker 1: that's the thing I've been doing for all these years 144 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 1: with my therapist. And it was so exciting to me. 145 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: And it was just around the time that I was 146 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: starting my own podcast, so I reached out to him 147 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: and he was one of the third people I had 148 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: on the show because it was just my mission to 149 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 1: uncover as much as I could about this therapy that 150 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,360 Speaker 1: was really healing me. And then Dick really encouraged me 151 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: to go on and get the training, and so as 152 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: one of the last people to be able to do 153 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 1: the facilitator training, that isn't a therapist, it isn't a 154 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:01,240 Speaker 1: licensed therapist. So it was definitely divinely time. And I 155 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,400 Speaker 1: think when you get trained in something and you know this, 156 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 1: when you do the training and you undergo what it 157 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,000 Speaker 1: would mean to be a facilitator of that work, it 158 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: starts to get into your system in a way that 159 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: it benefits you even more. I think we borrow the 160 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 1: benefits as teachers. We start to experience the work in 161 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: a different way, becomes so integrated, and that accelerated my 162 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: experience of IFS, which then made me realize, you know, 163 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: I can't just expect that everyone's going to be able 164 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: to get to this therapy because they won't be able 165 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 1: to afford it, or there's not enough therapists out there, 166 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,600 Speaker 1: or they won't even know that it's there. So I've 167 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,960 Speaker 1: got to make it easy and accessible for people to use. 168 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: And particularly right now, people need resources and they need 169 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: tools to access on the fly, and we need an 170 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,199 Speaker 1: inner sense of safety inside. 171 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 2: So where do people stop to start? 172 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 1: You have to just first recognize that there are parts 173 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: of yourself that are activated to just you know, if 174 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 1: you've ever said something like, there's a part of me 175 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,880 Speaker 1: it gets really angry and rageful when my wife does X, 176 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: or a part of me checks out when I'm around 177 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,479 Speaker 1: my parents, or a part of me is really defensive 178 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:13,000 Speaker 1: at work when I'm around authority. Figures those parts of 179 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 1: yourself are not who you are, they are parts of 180 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:19,319 Speaker 1: who you are, and they're protection mechanisms. And so having 181 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 1: this experience of being the witness without any judgment of 182 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 1: these aspects of yourself that may actually be aspects of 183 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: yourself that you've really judged and really hated for a 184 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 1: long time. But being that non judgmental witness of these 185 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: parts of yourself and recognizing how long has that part 186 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,440 Speaker 1: been around every time you're going to say as long 187 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,800 Speaker 1: as I can remember, since I was a kid, since 188 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: I was five, and then asking yourself, Okay, well, what 189 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 1: is that part really trying to do here? It's trying 190 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: to protect you. And so that's the first step is 191 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 1: to recognize that the aspects of ourselves that cause the 192 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,120 Speaker 1: most drama and most chaos in our life or the 193 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 1: most oftentimes hated aspects are actually the parts of us 194 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,840 Speaker 1: that are working so hard to protect us. And you know, 195 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: I've been sober now twenty years, twenty years right now, 196 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 1: and I can look back at the cocaine addict part 197 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,600 Speaker 1: at twenty five years old and just look at her 198 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: with so much love and so much compassion and just 199 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: say thank you for working so hard to keep down 200 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,800 Speaker 1: these impermissible feelings that I was not ready to face. 201 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,199 Speaker 2: So it starts by spotting a pattern, yeah, that you 202 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 2: see repeated that you don't like about yourself. 203 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: A belief, maybe a belief, a pattern, a behavior that 204 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 1: you find to be extreme in some way that's causing 205 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,560 Speaker 1: some issues in your life or oftentimes the parts of ourselves. 206 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 1: And I'll just give a bunch of examples. So for me, 207 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:55,199 Speaker 1: the controller, we have the anxiety, the addict. There is 208 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: a part that I named called knives out, and it 209 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: was really like, if you mess with me, knives are 210 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:03,440 Speaker 1: coming out. And she's a really unburdened part. Now that 211 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 1: part is doing okay, But for a long time it 212 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,440 Speaker 1: was like I could be the greatest person, but if 213 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: you messed with me, it's just like this defensiveness was 214 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: going to just come out in such an extreme way, 215 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:16,000 Speaker 1: and even parts of ourselves that might be praised. For example, 216 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: for years, I was just sort of a workaholic, and 217 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,600 Speaker 1: people would be like, wow, Gabby, you write a book 218 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 1: a year and you're doing so much, and you'd be 219 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: praised for these aspects of yourself, But meanwhile it was 220 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 1: destroying me. And you've known me through that time. You've 221 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: seen me through those sort of destructive eras of my 222 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: life where I was just pounding and grinding, I was running, 223 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: I was protecting against deep feelings that I wasn't ready 224 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:40,320 Speaker 1: to face. And so these aspects might not necessarily be 225 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 1: perceived as bad, but they're causing and creating chaos nonetheless. 226 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: And the thing that's really important for me about this 227 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: work is that it's very spiritual work. And as you know, 228 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 1: all my work up to this point has been really 229 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 1: grounded in spiritual beliefs and faith and my own faith 230 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,880 Speaker 1: and my own truth around my spiritual practic this. But 231 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 1: what's gorgeous about this is it's really marrying therapeutic processes 232 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: with a spiritual experience. And I can get to that 233 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 1: that's what self is. 234 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, let's talk about that. I mean, I was 235 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,360 Speaker 2: going to ask you that you're saying a lot of 236 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 2: these protection mechanisms they ultimately bury this self. 237 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:28,439 Speaker 1: They are blocking that's right, yes, Because there's this beautiful 238 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,679 Speaker 1: quote by IFS practitioner, and I'll just i'll share it. 239 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:37,120 Speaker 1: It's that self is like the sun behind the clouds, 240 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: and when the clouds dissipate, the sun begins to emerge naturally. 241 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 1: So you've had anyone watching has had experience. Anyone listening 242 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:50,200 Speaker 1: or watching has had experiences of self, those moments when 243 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,720 Speaker 1: you're just in complete flow, when you're playing pickleball with Lewis, 244 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: when you're cooking with Roddy, when you're you're you're in 245 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,559 Speaker 1: self right now, you looked me in the eye before 246 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,439 Speaker 1: this at this show started, you asked me one of 247 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 1: the most beautiful questions. I almost started crying before we began. 248 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: That's your self energy, it's calm, it's courageous, it's curious, 249 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: it's connected, it's clear, creative, I think I said, and 250 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: confident is these sea quality, compassionate and it's almost an 251 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: oftentimes very childlike wonder. It's just just. And the reason actually, 252 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 1: I think that you're such an excellent interviewer is because 253 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,880 Speaker 1: you interview with a lot of self, the curiosity, the connection, clarity, 254 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 1: you know, that's also what comes through. That's what people 255 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,200 Speaker 1: feel even healed in the presence of self, and so 256 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 1: that self energy all of us have, but we blocked it. 257 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,839 Speaker 1: We've blocked it with all these protectors. But the good 258 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 1: news is it never left us. 259 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's what you're saying. We've all had these glimpses, yes, 260 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 2: of our compassionate self, our creative self, our kind self. Yes, 261 00:13:55,960 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 2: And you're so right that all of our triggers blocked that. 262 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,800 Speaker 2: Even I was thinking about this just how trying to 263 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 2: think of someone who spoke to the other day, who 264 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 2: you could tell there was this almost fight inside. 265 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:13,559 Speaker 1: Of them where their. 266 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:20,600 Speaker 2: Insecurity about something was unlocking their ego, when in reality 267 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,359 Speaker 2: they wanted to follow their higher self and be compassionate. 268 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 2: And I think that's what we all go through. I 269 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 2: think the truth is Gaby that and we can both 270 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 2: speak to this. You've done this work for so long 271 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 2: now in helping so many millions of people across the world. 272 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:40,120 Speaker 2: People are exhausted right now, and doing this work requires 273 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 2: a lot of effort and energy and time and courage. 274 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 2: How do people bring themselves to actually do this, to 275 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 2: unlock their self when it just feels like it's so 276 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: far blocked and it's so far removed, and we feel 277 00:14:55,640 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 2: so far away from feeling that creative, compassionate, powerful self 278 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 2: that we all have and that we will are well. 279 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 1: I think if someone's coming to this with that energy 280 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: of I don't have time for this, or this is 281 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: too much, or I'd ask that person, well, how is 282 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,120 Speaker 1: it all working out for you this way? Because we 283 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 1: think it's hard, We think that self help practices are hard, 284 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: or spiritual practice is hard, But the truth is is 285 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 1: that not having that foundation is much more difficult. And 286 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: not having that foundation in this critical time, this is 287 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,160 Speaker 1: a very critical time. If we don't have a faith 288 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:41,000 Speaker 1: of our own understanding, or a therapeutic or a spiritual 289 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,040 Speaker 1: or self help practice of our own understanding, or a 290 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 1: tool of accessing some kind of interconnection to inner wisdom, inspiration, 291 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 1: intuition in our guidance. If we don't have that right now, 292 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 1: we're going to be like a fish out of water. 293 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: We're going to be flailing around. We're going to feel 294 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 1: really unstable, really uncertain, really anxious, and really scared. And 295 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:06,040 Speaker 1: I think that's most people right now, anyone watching or 296 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: listening you to this interview, is on the track of 297 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 1: wanting more. So they've already begun the first step. They 298 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,760 Speaker 1: would not be following you if they weren't interested in 299 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:22,560 Speaker 1: seeking their ability to self soothe, to self correct, to 300 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,120 Speaker 1: feel a sense of safety inside. So they're already ninety 301 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 1: percent of the way there because they're listening. But the 302 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,840 Speaker 1: practice that I've created, that I've outlined here is taking 303 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,840 Speaker 1: this big body of work that does oftentimes feel like 304 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: a lot to go into therapy every single week, to 305 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:45,560 Speaker 1: sit down, to open up to some of those deepest, 306 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:50,240 Speaker 1: most vulnerable parts of ourselves. And so this is really 307 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,800 Speaker 1: a way to scratch the surface and to do it 308 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: safely because I'm not going to those exiled parts and 309 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 1: not going to that little traumatized child. We're going to 310 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,760 Speaker 1: the day to day mechanism. 311 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And it's a. 312 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,240 Speaker 1: Four step practice. It's a simple four stet practice. 313 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 2: So what do we do once we've identified this pattern, Yes, 314 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:13,639 Speaker 2: whether it's anxiety, people pleasing, avoidance control, what do you 315 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 2: then do once you've found this pattern that has been 316 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,120 Speaker 2: a protector but ultimately is the block of himself? 317 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,120 Speaker 1: Yeah? So these patterns are the way that we check out. 318 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,119 Speaker 1: And so the practice in the book is called the 319 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:27,119 Speaker 1: four step check in process, and it's checking in with 320 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: the part and so the if you have enough space 321 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: between that stimulus and the reaction. So let's say you 322 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,360 Speaker 1: are at work and your boss triggers you, and you're like, Okay, 323 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: I got to get out of this office right now, 324 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,240 Speaker 1: and I got to go into the bathroom, and I 325 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 1: got to check in with myself because otherwise I'm going 326 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,399 Speaker 1: to do something I'm gonna regret. So you step away, 327 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,359 Speaker 1: or you typically stepping away is very valuable, or you 328 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,600 Speaker 1: maybe the next day you want to check in because 329 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,960 Speaker 1: it's still lingery. You get out of the instant of 330 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,439 Speaker 1: the trigger, and then you choose to check in instead 331 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,280 Speaker 1: of check out. So it's focusing your attention inward as 332 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 1: the first step just looking inside, just even closing your 333 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:07,160 Speaker 1: eyes and focusing your attention inside. The second step is curiosity. 334 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,200 Speaker 1: So that's where you start to just tease it out 335 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,120 Speaker 1: a little bit and you'll say, Okay, where does that 336 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 1: part of me live in my body? Where do I 337 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,639 Speaker 1: feel it? And you'll notice it's in my jar, or 338 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,119 Speaker 1: it's in my stomach or my chest or my shoulders 339 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,040 Speaker 1: or wherever it lives. You'll ask a few more questions, 340 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached with 341 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 1: this belief or pattern, And then you'll hear you know 342 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,359 Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, or you know I can, or 343 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,600 Speaker 1: maybe you'll have an image. You know, I see myself 344 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,639 Speaker 1: and I'm five years old and the bully on the 345 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: playground is yelling at me, or whatever that storyline was, 346 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,960 Speaker 1: and or you know, my dad just left or whatever 347 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,440 Speaker 1: the experience. Maybe you'll see the image or you'll hear words. 348 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:48,880 Speaker 1: So you just keep teasing it out, just noticing thoughts, feeling, sensations, 349 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: what's happening inside. And once you have a little bit 350 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 1: of connection, remember that self, you're going to connect deeper 351 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,159 Speaker 1: with compassion, which is the third step, and you're going 352 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 1: to ask the part not yourself. You're asking the part 353 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,760 Speaker 1: of the activated part of you, what do you need? 354 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,639 Speaker 1: And Jay, it'll be blown away. The part will say 355 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: I need to dance, I need to rest, I need 356 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 1: to play. Because what do these parts need? They need 357 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,600 Speaker 1: to be kids again, they need to return to that 358 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:22,439 Speaker 1: natural role of being innocent, or I need love. And 359 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,560 Speaker 1: then once you have that third step. The fourth step 360 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,879 Speaker 1: is very easy, and it's really checking for self. So 361 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 1: you're going to check in for those c qualities. Do 362 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,639 Speaker 1: I feel calm? Do I feel more compassionate? Do I 363 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,680 Speaker 1: feel connected? Do I have some clarity? Do I feel 364 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 1: a little courageous to have creative energy buzzying inside of me? 365 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 1: Oftentimes you'll very quickly feel calmer, you feel some courage 366 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,400 Speaker 1: and clarity is a big one that comes through quickly too. 367 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,679 Speaker 1: And so those four steps rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. 368 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: And I've prescribed this. I've looked at my audiences and 369 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,520 Speaker 1: I've said, okay, listen, what about one minute a day? 370 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,800 Speaker 1: Four steps is bothering you? And everyone's like, nothing, I 371 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,639 Speaker 1: can do that. And so that's it, one minute a 372 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 1: day steps. Because the thing is, once you do this 373 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,800 Speaker 1: one time, then you can realize, oh wait, I can 374 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,960 Speaker 1: do this maybe in an hour from now, or I 375 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 1: can do it before I'm going to bed when I'm 376 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,160 Speaker 1: having anxiety, or I can do it after that deep 377 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,880 Speaker 1: conversation with my partner that really activated me. I can 378 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,919 Speaker 1: keep coming back to this really simply without feeling like 379 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,280 Speaker 1: it's a burden. It can be as little or as 380 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 1: much as you want. But I've always taught as a 381 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:29,879 Speaker 1: metaphysical teacher that the miracles that we experience in our 382 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,399 Speaker 1: life for the experiences when we change the way we 383 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,720 Speaker 1: experience something, not that the things outside of us change, 384 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: but that our experience of our experience changes, and that's 385 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:41,280 Speaker 1: what this will offer. 386 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,000 Speaker 2: We all want to feel better, to have more energy 387 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,959 Speaker 2: and more focused throughout the day. That's why I co 388 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:57,679 Speaker 2: founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenate drink made with powerful ingredients 389 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,680 Speaker 2: like ashwagandha and Lion's Maine. It's designed to boost your mood, 390 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,520 Speaker 2: support your focus, and give you natural energy, all without 391 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:09,359 Speaker 2: the crash. A new classic reimagined. We're so excited to 392 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,479 Speaker 2: officially launch our new Lemonade iced tea flavor. When we 393 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 2: created Juny, my goal was simple. I wanted to make 394 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,600 Speaker 2: drinks that help you feel balanced and energized without compromise. 395 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:24,440 Speaker 2: Our upgraded take on the classic Arnold Palmer is crisp, refreshing, 396 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,560 Speaker 2: and crafted with adaptogens to support energy, focus and mood, 397 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,679 Speaker 2: all with zero sugar. Be among the first to try it. 398 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 2: Available exclusively at drinkjuni dot com, where you can use 399 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:39,560 Speaker 2: the code on purpose twenty for twenty percent off your 400 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 2: first order. Cheers to your daily mood boost. We all 401 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,400 Speaker 2: want to feel better, to have more energy and more 402 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 2: focus throughout the day. That's why I co founded Juny, 403 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:53,720 Speaker 2: a sparkling adaptogenet drink made with powerful ingredients like ushwagandha 404 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 2: and Lion's Maine. It's designed to boost your mood, support 405 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 2: your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash. 406 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,760 Speaker 2: Get your daily mood Boost with Juni at Whole Foods 407 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 2: Market or head to Drinkjuni dot com to find a 408 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 2: store near you. What I really appreciate about it is 409 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,919 Speaker 2: that we're going back to being guided from within, yes, 410 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:26,639 Speaker 2: And I feel that's somewhere where we've lost in society, 411 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,160 Speaker 2: where it's constantly been or your parents taught, or your 412 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,399 Speaker 2: friend's thought, or your family thinks. Now what social media thinks, 413 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 2: and we're so overexposed to everyone else's opinion, and it's 414 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,919 Speaker 2: so common for us to ask questions about what we 415 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,040 Speaker 2: should do with our life in the group chat, you know, 416 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,640 Speaker 2: trying to get someone else's opinion to give us the answer. 417 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,480 Speaker 2: And I think we've lost the ability to understand that 418 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,280 Speaker 2: all of the answers are right there within if we 419 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:57,400 Speaker 2: were simply to sit with ourselves. Your body will tell 420 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,520 Speaker 2: you, your heart will tell you, your mind will tell tell you. 421 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 2: And this practice really allows you to do that again. 422 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 2: So it's not like here's a fix it orld situation. 423 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 2: It will tell you something different every time when someone 424 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:12,040 Speaker 2: does it for the first time, How can they do 425 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:14,240 Speaker 2: it in a way that they have an experience where 426 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 2: they get a taste that it's real. Because I think 427 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 2: when we hear these things and you know what the 428 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,880 Speaker 2: truth is today, I've been thinking about this a lot, 429 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,879 Speaker 2: and you're you're the right person to ask this because 430 00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 2: you've shared so many great pieces of advice over the years. 431 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,439 Speaker 2: I feel everyone knows what they have to do, but 432 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,480 Speaker 2: we don't actually do it properly, and so we never 433 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:38,280 Speaker 2: have the qualitative experience that convinces us we should keep 434 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,840 Speaker 2: doing it. Whereas when you've had that qualitative experience, whether 435 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 2: it's an amazing meditation, whether it's the four step practice, 436 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 2: once you've had that qualitative experience and you've felt the impact, 437 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:51,879 Speaker 2: you'll do it again and again and again. But the 438 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 2: first time, how can someone really lock in the first 439 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:55,680 Speaker 2: time they do this. 440 00:23:56,359 --> 00:24:01,919 Speaker 1: Self begets more self. So the first way to step 441 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,320 Speaker 1: in is to look at your life and ask yourself, 442 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 1: is this what I want? Is this it? I think 443 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,520 Speaker 1: that those are really magic words. 444 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:10,439 Speaker 2: Is this? 445 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,880 Speaker 1: It? Is this all I've got here? I want more 446 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,080 Speaker 1: than this? Even just saying I want to change, I 447 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,720 Speaker 1: want more. Everyone listening is in some way, shape or form, 448 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:26,399 Speaker 1: wanting some aspect of change. And that desire is there, 449 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,120 Speaker 1: and that desire wouldn't be planted in your heart if 450 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:32,359 Speaker 1: it wasn't ready to come forth, if it wasn't ready 451 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 1: to be birthed. So I think that that's the responsibility 452 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,040 Speaker 1: that we have to give ourselves, is to ask ourselves, 453 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,000 Speaker 1: you know, this is that beautiful Mary Oliver quote. If 454 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,560 Speaker 1: this is our one simple life? Is I'm batching it? 455 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,240 Speaker 1: But this is this one beautiful life that we have? 456 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:50,879 Speaker 1: And am I going to take it to the max? 457 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,880 Speaker 1: Am I going to live to the highest and the best? 458 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,640 Speaker 1: And that's one question, And that's one place to come 459 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,679 Speaker 1: to this or the other place that there may be 460 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,960 Speaker 1: people listening that are hitting a massive bottom in their life. 461 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:05,720 Speaker 1: And for those folks, Jay, it's going to be a 462 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,600 Speaker 1: lot easier to pick up this book and start a 463 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:12,280 Speaker 1: lot easier because when we are there's that beautiful roomy quote. 464 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 1: The wound is the place where the light enters you. 465 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 1: When you are in that moment of hitting some kind 466 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,280 Speaker 1: of bottom, or you're having that that addiction come to 467 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,639 Speaker 1: an end, or you're in the divorce, or you're having 468 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 1: a crisis at work, or you've lost the job, or 469 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:32,199 Speaker 1: you've gotten the diagnosis. Those are the moments when the 470 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,120 Speaker 1: light enters you. So the question you want to ask 471 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: yourself is am I willing to do whatever it takes 472 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,440 Speaker 1: to get to great? Am I willing to do whatever 473 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,360 Speaker 1: it takes to feel great? And that's the path I've 474 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,399 Speaker 1: been on. I've been on. I want to get to great. 475 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,439 Speaker 1: I've lived through a lot of a lot of different 476 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 1: difficult experiences, as all of us have, and I've just 477 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,959 Speaker 1: been on a pursuit of feeling great. This is and 478 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 1: this this interesting thing that I heard in a twelve 479 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 1: set meeting early in my recovery was if they want, 480 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 1: if you want what they have, do what they do. 481 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:08,360 Speaker 1: So sometimes that's just enough to be listening and be like, well, 482 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,680 Speaker 1: Jay Jay and Roddy did that, you know? Or you know, 483 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,680 Speaker 1: if you want what they have, do what they do. 484 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,960 Speaker 1: There's a reason that somebody is in And when I 485 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,520 Speaker 1: say what they have, I don't mean the external things, 486 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,919 Speaker 1: I mean the inner piece. If you want what they have, 487 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,920 Speaker 1: do what they do. And the thing that happens that 488 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 1: you said that was also quite interesting, is that why 489 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:31,679 Speaker 1: this is a spiritual practice. It's because when you start 490 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:38,200 Speaker 1: to reflect inside and start to tend to these protection mechanisms, 491 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:43,040 Speaker 1: these burdened parts, they start to feel seen, like what 492 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 1: do child? What does a child need? Child needs to 493 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:51,480 Speaker 1: be seen, soothed, loved, cared, common, compassionate energy. So it 494 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,800 Speaker 1: starts to feel like you have this internal parent inside 495 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 1: and you realize, as Dick Schwartz says, that you are 496 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,240 Speaker 1: the one you've been waiting for, that all of the 497 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:08,760 Speaker 1: external validation or love or connection or support, all that 498 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: outside stuff that you've been seeking to find completion and 499 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,840 Speaker 1: safety is actually inside of you. And I know that's 500 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,480 Speaker 1: something that people always say in spiritual you'll really experience 501 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 1: that with this what's the balance do you think, Gabi 502 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:28,600 Speaker 1: of how much external validation and how much self validation 503 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:29,200 Speaker 1: we need? 504 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,480 Speaker 2: Like does external validation play any part in our ability 505 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,080 Speaker 2: to self validate? Or do you believe it's a full 506 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:40,480 Speaker 2: self validation process and external validation is should be irrelevant 507 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 2: at some point. 508 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,960 Speaker 1: I can really speak for my own experience. The more 509 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 1: self I've accessed inside, the more self connection I have 510 00:27:48,119 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 1: to that inner parent, that inner wisdom. The less external 511 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,080 Speaker 1: validation I need. I don't need it and I don't 512 00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 1: a human so it's not like I know, honestly, Jay, 513 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,440 Speaker 1: I don't really think I need it. I don't feel 514 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,160 Speaker 1: like I'm grasping or looking or needing. And I think 515 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 1: the other irony is that the more self that you 516 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,160 Speaker 1: have access to, the more self you attract. So the 517 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,639 Speaker 1: more calm, connected, compassionate energy you bring into your life, 518 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,080 Speaker 1: so you do get that love and that connection because 519 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,640 Speaker 1: you are always receiving back what you are vibrating out. 520 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:22,480 Speaker 2: Yeah. 521 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: And so the more you access self, the more you 522 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,680 Speaker 1: the more you become that point of attraction for more 523 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 1: self in your life. 524 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 2: Yeah. No, I love the answer because I've been talking 525 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 2: to a lot of friends about that recently, about this 526 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,840 Speaker 2: idea of if you have the power to self validate 527 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,280 Speaker 2: and self to soothe and self regulate and honor your 528 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,680 Speaker 2: hard work and intensity, then you won't crave it from others. 529 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 2: And what I was explaining to someone was that any 530 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:54,840 Speaker 2: time I've wanted someone to validate me externally, they can 531 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 2: never fully satisfy my need for it because they haven't 532 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,760 Speaker 2: lived my life, and in this same way, I haven't 533 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:05,240 Speaker 2: lived theirs, so I can't validate them effectively either, because 534 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,240 Speaker 2: I haven't been up with them on those sleepless nights. 535 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:12,800 Speaker 2: I haven't gone through the trauma that they've gone through. 536 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 2: And so even if I'm to say, well done, you 537 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 2: did great, that's amazing, it will still never fully satiate 538 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 2: their desire for validation, because, as you just quoted Dick Schwartz, 539 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 2: that you're the one you've been waiting for. It's only 540 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:32,880 Speaker 2: when I sit with myself and I cry at the 541 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 2: thought of everything I've been through and honor myself for 542 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 2: every way I've showed up for myself, whether it's my body, 543 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,960 Speaker 2: my mind, my heart, and my soul, that's the only 544 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 2: time when I'll actually be satisfied. And I've noticed that 545 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 2: again and again, so I completely agree with you. The 546 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 2: point isn't that I don't appreciate external validation. I do. 547 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 2: The point isn't that I'm not inspired when I'm validated externally. 548 00:29:55,800 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 2: I am. But the only type of validation that really 549 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,760 Speaker 2: really like affects me deep in my heart, and my 550 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 2: gout is when it's coming from me. That's right, because 551 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 2: I have all the details. I have the record books, 552 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 2: I have the files and the notes on every difficult 553 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 2: moment I've been through, just as you do for yourself. 554 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,520 Speaker 1: We are the ones we've been waiting for. I had 555 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,200 Speaker 1: the experience just yehsterday, a really epic experience where I 556 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: was My Sonny is a six and a half years 557 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: old now, and so we belong to this really sweet 558 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 1: lake club in our community in the countryside, and it's 559 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:36,000 Speaker 1: like nineteen fifties and there's these docks and grills and 560 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: it's kind of like the dirty or your sweatpants are 561 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 1: the bed the cooler you are there, and clay tennis 562 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,960 Speaker 1: courts and it's just really adylic and my kids at 563 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,120 Speaker 1: the age now where he can just like run around 564 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,000 Speaker 1: and do his thing, and I'm and he's a great swimmer, 565 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: and I'm not stressed out about what's going on, so 566 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:53,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, go do you man, And I'm sitting on 567 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,840 Speaker 1: the dock by myself. My husband was out for a drive. 568 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 1: I'm sitting I just played some tennis. I'm sitting on 569 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,000 Speaker 1: the dock. I've got this new book in my hand, 570 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,320 Speaker 1: I'm in my you know, my red bathing suit. I've 571 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,120 Speaker 1: got my iced coffee next to me. It's like like 572 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,040 Speaker 1: there's like it's dirty all over the dog, but I 573 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: didn't care. And I was just sitting there on this 574 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:14,240 Speaker 1: like cozy chair and I'm looking at the water and 575 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,800 Speaker 1: I had this incredible energy just pour through me. This 576 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:23,800 Speaker 1: energy was just like just spirit. It was spirit coming through. 577 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 1: I mean, that's the way I would just define this. 578 00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:30,240 Speaker 1: And this just self energy just so connected, so in 579 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,440 Speaker 1: the moment, so present, there wasn't anything else that I 580 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,520 Speaker 1: was thinking about or trying to get to or trying 581 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 1: to do, and it was just this moment of whoa, 582 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 1: this is what we've been training for. It just flood 583 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:46,040 Speaker 1: in and that isn't a fleeting moment. That's how we 584 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:49,320 Speaker 1: can live our lives. We can live not all day. 585 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:50,840 Speaker 1: Every day. We're going to be in self. We're going 586 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:52,479 Speaker 1: to get activated, We're going to get triggered. The best 587 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,920 Speaker 1: of us are going to get triggered. But it's the 588 00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:59,320 Speaker 1: trigger has become less less. What one was years would 589 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:03,880 Speaker 1: be days or minutes or five seconds, and we start 590 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,239 Speaker 1: to access more of that presence and that taste of 591 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:11,040 Speaker 1: that energy, that self energy, you want more of it. 592 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:13,280 Speaker 1: And also I think that there's this thing I always 593 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: call spiritual proof when you have an experience of something 594 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,080 Speaker 1: where you say, oh my god, I just did that 595 00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,960 Speaker 1: four step thing and I actually feel a little bit calmer. 596 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,200 Speaker 1: And Gaby said, all I need is to be a 597 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:25,120 Speaker 1: little bit calmer, and then I've done the job. 598 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 2: I've done this. 599 00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:28,040 Speaker 1: If I even feel the slightest molecule of self, I've 600 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:32,200 Speaker 1: done the work. That experience of that molecule of self 601 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,840 Speaker 1: is something you crave. You want more of it. It's 602 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:37,680 Speaker 1: like going to the gym, you want more of it. 603 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, to keep practicing it. Yeah, What's one of the 604 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:44,920 Speaker 2: ways people experience a protector or a trigger is self 605 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:49,960 Speaker 2: judgment and self criticism in a critic, how do you 606 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:53,560 Speaker 2: even reconcile the fact that self judgment is a protector 607 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:54,160 Speaker 2: in some way? 608 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 1: Self judgment is a huge protector. Actually wrote a book 609 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 1: called Judgment Detox. Yeah, a little bit ahead of myself there, 610 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,360 Speaker 1: because it's very much what this work is about. 611 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:03,560 Speaker 2: It. 612 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:10,280 Speaker 1: It's judgment is a way of judging ourselves is definitely 613 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 1: a protector because if there is something big, too uncomfortable 614 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:21,360 Speaker 1: to access, that's being activated feelings of being inadequate, unlovable. 615 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,520 Speaker 1: We are going to do anything we can to numb 616 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,200 Speaker 1: that pain. So one we're going to judge others so 617 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,080 Speaker 1: we don't have to feel the pain inside. Or two 618 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,320 Speaker 1: will judge ourselves, start nitpicking and judging ourselves because it's 619 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: easier to judge and attack ourselves than it is to 620 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:39,040 Speaker 1: feel the pain. And what happens with this beautiful practice 621 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:42,280 Speaker 1: is that as you start to tend inward, you recognize 622 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,960 Speaker 1: that you don't have to reexperience the pain. You can 623 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,640 Speaker 1: just be present with what the protector needs in that moment, 624 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:53,160 Speaker 1: and in that moment it can just soften. And it's 625 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:59,240 Speaker 1: these moment by moment unburdenings of the pain of that 626 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:00,600 Speaker 1: that you've held on to you for so long. 627 00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:03,680 Speaker 2: So what do we do with the self critic through 628 00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 2: this four step practice? 629 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:08,320 Speaker 1: Great question. So you'd notice yourself in that self critic 630 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,960 Speaker 1: or that attack or judgment, and you would have again, 631 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,000 Speaker 1: you have to have enough space between the attack and 632 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:18,080 Speaker 1: the response to it. And sometimes it might happen till 633 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 1: the next day when you have a little bit of 634 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:22,000 Speaker 1: a of a judgment hangover or whatever it is, but 635 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:23,879 Speaker 1: you notice it and you say, okay, you know, I'm 636 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:26,200 Speaker 1: going to check in, And so you'd check in with 637 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,800 Speaker 1: the judgment and you'd focus your attention towards that judgment inside, 638 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,480 Speaker 1: so instead of being in your head, you'd get into 639 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,360 Speaker 1: your internally and I like to close my eyes with this. 640 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,200 Speaker 1: I can also suggest that people do this with journaling. 641 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:39,600 Speaker 1: So at the top of the page, you could say, 642 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,960 Speaker 1: I choose to check in with my judgment and then 643 00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:47,520 Speaker 1: the compassionate, the curious connection, that curiosity coming inside. You'd 644 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:51,080 Speaker 1: ask the judgment, what are you trying to tell me? 645 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,239 Speaker 1: What are you trying to reveal? Because the judgment will 646 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,440 Speaker 1: then speak And this is really helpful. You asked earlier, 647 00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,640 Speaker 1: what's a great way to start journaling. It's a great 648 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,759 Speaker 1: way to do this because if you're just journaling with it, 649 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,560 Speaker 1: you'll let your pen flow and that stream of consciousness 650 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,040 Speaker 1: will start to come forward into the page and you'll 651 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:08,680 Speaker 1: be blown away what the part will start to say. 652 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,759 Speaker 1: Just journal with the part, So you ask you what 653 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,680 Speaker 1: do you need? And then you'll just journal, journal, journal, 654 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,239 Speaker 1: and then it's going to you know, carry on with 655 00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:18,239 Speaker 1: the four questions. So check in curiosity, compassion, and what 656 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:21,399 Speaker 1: do you need and then start to journal more. How 657 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 1: do I feel now? 658 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost starting to treat ourselves. You you said 659 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:27,760 Speaker 2: this earlier, and it's resonating more as you explained the practice, 660 00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:34,000 Speaker 2: this idea of treating those parts of yourself as small children. Yes, 661 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 2: And it's like if a child was crying, the first 662 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 2: thing you'd say is, hey, what's up? Like, how's what's 663 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,720 Speaker 2: going on? Like how are you feeling? Like what happened? 664 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:45,680 Speaker 2: Are you okay? Whereas when we see the parts of 665 00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:50,319 Speaker 2: ourselves crying inside or kicking up a farce, we're just like, 666 00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:53,080 Speaker 2: go away, go away, go away. I don't want to 667 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:53,600 Speaker 2: talk to you. 668 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,520 Speaker 1: This is an actual question I asked my audiences. Is 669 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,359 Speaker 1: you know, if you're if a little child in your 670 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:01,040 Speaker 1: life was having a hard moment, I'm really scared or 671 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,600 Speaker 1: I'm really activated, the first thing you would do is 672 00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,440 Speaker 1: calm connection your self. Energy would rise to the occasion, 673 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:11,479 Speaker 1: calm connected, curious, what would you need? But the way 674 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:14,960 Speaker 1: that we speak to ourselves is insane. It's horrible. We 675 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,560 Speaker 1: are so mean to ourselves and so aggressive with ourselves 676 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,439 Speaker 1: and wanting to shut it down. That's exactly right. 677 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,960 Speaker 2: Why do we find it easier to suthe others and 678 00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:27,040 Speaker 2: not sue ourselves. 679 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:33,160 Speaker 1: Well, because we need, we believe, or unconsciously, I don't 680 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,560 Speaker 1: think we know this, but we unconsciously believe that we 681 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:39,520 Speaker 1: need these protectors to stay alive. So I'll give an example. 682 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,759 Speaker 1: I had very severe codependent addiction before I was a 683 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:47,080 Speaker 1: drug addict, and in that codependent addiction, I literally had 684 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:49,560 Speaker 1: a belief that if I'm not in a relationship, I 685 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,919 Speaker 1: will die. It wasn't nice. I wouldn't say that out loud, 686 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:54,759 Speaker 1: but it felt like that. It felt like death. 687 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:55,680 Speaker 2: You behaved like that. 688 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,880 Speaker 1: I literally like, oh my god, if I was clinging 689 00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,399 Speaker 1: and fawning. And if that doesn't really she was the work, 690 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,160 Speaker 1: I want to find another one. And I was actually 691 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:05,719 Speaker 1: talking with a woman yesterday W's who identifies as a 692 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,480 Speaker 1: codependent and has a very serious addiction to this one 693 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,839 Speaker 1: partner that she's been trying to release and she keeps 694 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,400 Speaker 1: going back and she keeps going back and she's like, 695 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,359 Speaker 1: it's just such a drug. And I said, well, what 696 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:19,360 Speaker 1: does it feel like if you were to end it? 697 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:21,200 Speaker 1: And she's like, I literally feel like I would die. 698 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,000 Speaker 1: And that's the thing with these protectors is that we 699 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:29,760 Speaker 1: don't realize it, but they actually are protecting us from 700 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 1: feelings that we think and believe inside unprocessed trauma, feelings 701 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:40,600 Speaker 1: that we believe will take us down. We believe they 702 00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:44,520 Speaker 1: will take us down. And it's only when we start 703 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:47,160 Speaker 1: to self soothe and access a little bit of that 704 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:51,359 Speaker 1: self inside that we can start to realize no, no, no, no, 705 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 1: actually there's some safety here. I feel like I can 706 00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,200 Speaker 1: actually be a little bit more resilient than I thought, 707 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:01,520 Speaker 1: or it's not that terrifying to go there. I can 708 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:03,920 Speaker 1: go there and I can be okay on the other side. 709 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:07,759 Speaker 1: But we have to have that spiritual proof in order 710 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:09,960 Speaker 1: to actually have even any desire to keep going. 711 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:12,319 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's that's that part where I'm like, 712 00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:15,800 Speaker 2: the first time you do this, for anyone who's listening 713 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:18,600 Speaker 2: and watching, really give it. You're all because yes, an 714 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:24,000 Speaker 2: experienced spiritual proof early, and as soon as you have that, 715 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,200 Speaker 2: you just set because you now know what you're working towards. 716 00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:29,479 Speaker 2: Not that you want the same feeling or the same 717 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:32,680 Speaker 2: emotion will be different, but you know the process works. 718 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,719 Speaker 2: And I think sometimes it's almost like everyone knows they 719 00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:37,480 Speaker 2: need to work out and everyone knows they need to 720 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:40,239 Speaker 2: take supplements and vitamins. But when you don't do that 721 00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:42,319 Speaker 2: properly and you don't do it consistently, you don't have 722 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,320 Speaker 2: the proof that it works. 723 00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:45,759 Speaker 1: Let's give them the proof right now. God's give them 724 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,200 Speaker 1: the experience right now. It's because one of the things 725 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:51,400 Speaker 1: I don't love about this sort of therapeutic book is 726 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: that talking about it. Yeah, it's like people are like, 727 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,480 Speaker 1: like you know, and also protectors get up like other 728 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,279 Speaker 1: protectors like literally like you're gonna have to bleep me, 729 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:05,200 Speaker 1: but they're like this. I don't want to go there. 730 00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:07,840 Speaker 1: And so that's why it took me years in therapy 731 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:09,719 Speaker 1: and I wish it'd had this book because I think 732 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:11,600 Speaker 1: it would have been a more gentle access to it. 733 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,080 Speaker 1: So I don't let's stop talking about I'll give it 734 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,200 Speaker 1: to them, okay, okay, and you can do it for yourself. 735 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:19,879 Speaker 1: I think everyone listening, maybe you close your eyes while 736 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 1: we do this if you want to, and for your 737 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,360 Speaker 1: own sake, Jay, just think of a protector that you 738 00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:26,960 Speaker 1: might be aware of. And you don't have to say 739 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,520 Speaker 1: out loud what you're working with unless you want to later. Okay, 740 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:35,560 Speaker 1: and everybody listening check in right now with At this point, 741 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:39,480 Speaker 1: maybe you're aware of a part of yourself that is 742 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:43,120 Speaker 1: a little activated at times, or maybe very activated at times, 743 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,279 Speaker 1: the parts that are controlling or addicted, or maybe the 744 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,880 Speaker 1: part that runs through a refrigerator or checks out with YouTube, 745 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:51,799 Speaker 1: or the aspects of yourself that you want to check 746 00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:56,480 Speaker 1: in with, and choose one right now, and once you're 747 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:59,600 Speaker 1: aware of that part, if you're not driving, you can 748 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:05,040 Speaker 1: generally close your eyes and focus your attention inward and 749 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:10,480 Speaker 1: choose to check in with the part. And now noticing 750 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:15,200 Speaker 1: inside with a little curiosity, where does that part of 751 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:21,480 Speaker 1: you live in your body? Where do you feel it inside? 752 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:27,200 Speaker 1: And does it have a shape or a color or 753 00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:33,759 Speaker 1: is there any words or thoughts or memories attached to it? 754 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,719 Speaker 1: And give it a breath, take a deep breath in 755 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,960 Speaker 1: like Jaj just did. Breathe in with it, and just 756 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:42,960 Speaker 1: be present with it and let it know that it's 757 00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:48,759 Speaker 1: safe to let you know more to any memories or 758 00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:53,480 Speaker 1: feelings or sensations, and don't judge anything that comes forward. 759 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:54,359 Speaker 2: Just let it come through. 760 00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,720 Speaker 1: And now that you have a little bit of access 761 00:40:59,719 --> 00:41:03,440 Speaker 1: and can to this part, you can ask it one 762 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:05,400 Speaker 1: last time, is there anything else that you want me 763 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:13,560 Speaker 1: to know. And now with that access to the part, 764 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:15,319 Speaker 1: I want you to check in a little bit more 765 00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:18,400 Speaker 1: closely and offer it a little bit of compassionate connection, 766 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:30,279 Speaker 1: asking the part, what do you need? Just listen, don't 767 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:31,440 Speaker 1: overthink it, don't judge it. 768 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:32,000 Speaker 2: Just listen. 769 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:41,080 Speaker 1: And now take a deep breath in and maybe place 770 00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:44,120 Speaker 1: your hand on your heart and your other hand on 771 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:48,799 Speaker 1: your belly and just breathing in and just let that 772 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:54,040 Speaker 1: part know that you've listened, that you're here, and take 773 00:41:54,080 --> 00:42:01,319 Speaker 1: another deep breath in, and well, just check in and 774 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:08,160 Speaker 1: notice how you feel. Do you feel even the slightest 775 00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:13,960 Speaker 1: bit more calm? Do you feel a little bit of 776 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:19,680 Speaker 1: compassion towards that part? Are you curious? Would you like 777 00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:21,239 Speaker 1: to know a little bit more at some point? Are 778 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:25,920 Speaker 1: you willing to get to know more? Do you feel connected? 779 00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:34,360 Speaker 1: Do you have more clarity about it? Any creative energy 780 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:41,000 Speaker 1: buzzing through? You feel a little buzziness? Just notice those 781 00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:49,200 Speaker 1: ce qualities, courage, need confidence. Just take one last deep 782 00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:58,600 Speaker 1: breath in, just let it go, and then whenever you're ready, 783 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:22,719 Speaker 1: you can open your eyes. See how you feel. I 784 00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:23,600 Speaker 1: watched you go there. 785 00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:29,799 Speaker 2: It was beautiful, It was great, It was what I 786 00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,799 Speaker 2: really liked about it. The part that really helped me 787 00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:40,600 Speaker 2: was being able to approach something head on, which we 788 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,719 Speaker 2: don't do, yeah, and then to actually sit with it 789 00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:49,160 Speaker 2: with compassion in a good way. So my normal reaction 790 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,200 Speaker 2: to it would be, God, why do I do this? 791 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,120 Speaker 2: Why am I doing that? God, it's so annoying. Oh, 792 00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:58,319 Speaker 2: I know this came from something in my past or 793 00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:02,480 Speaker 2: that's the kind of energy that it often has. And 794 00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:07,399 Speaker 2: to not have that energy for that protector was new, 795 00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,000 Speaker 2: because the energy that I have for the protector is 796 00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:16,200 Speaker 2: most likely negative or condescending or some sort of kind 797 00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:20,160 Speaker 2: of derogatory kind of feeling, whereas this was it was 798 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,399 Speaker 2: really pleasant to see in Oh, like, you're not all 799 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:29,040 Speaker 2: that bad. You've been needed, you've performed a purpose, you've 800 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:33,960 Speaker 2: been useful, and and it's not perfect, but I'm grateful, 801 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,399 Speaker 2: Like yeah, yeah, and that that was quite new. I've 802 00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:37,360 Speaker 2: never done that before. 803 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,520 Speaker 1: There's a lot of clarity there. That's a lot of 804 00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:45,440 Speaker 1: self that clarity. So if you're walking for the listener 805 00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:47,560 Speaker 1: who's walking out of this or experiencing this just for 806 00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:49,640 Speaker 1: the first time, and they have they're like, Oh, I 807 00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:52,800 Speaker 1: learned something new. That's that self did you feel a 808 00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:57,600 Speaker 1: little bit more calm self. You felt some compassion towards himself. 809 00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:00,279 Speaker 1: So anyone that's listening, even the slightest, like I said, 810 00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:03,960 Speaker 1: the molecule of calmness or compassion or connection, you've done 811 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:07,239 Speaker 1: it perfectly. Because this is perfect. And if you're like 812 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:10,799 Speaker 1: I actually feel worse, that's fine too, because you tried right, 813 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,759 Speaker 1: You did that, you went through the journey that it 814 00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:19,160 Speaker 1: doesn't This is just the first baby step in the experience. 815 00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:24,600 Speaker 1: Like I shared earlier, is about getting into relationship with 816 00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:29,600 Speaker 1: the part, not pushing it away, shutting it down, blaming 817 00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:33,640 Speaker 1: and shaming. It's getting into relationship with And here's the 818 00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,040 Speaker 1: cool part. The more you do this, the more you 819 00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:39,040 Speaker 1: can actually speak for your parts rather than as your parts. 820 00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:42,240 Speaker 2: Yes, wow, that's really powerful. Say that again because that's 821 00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:42,839 Speaker 2: really good. 822 00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:45,960 Speaker 1: The more you practice this, the easier it is for 823 00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:49,800 Speaker 1: you to speak for your parts rather than as your parts. 824 00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:51,239 Speaker 2: I mean, that's it, right. 825 00:45:51,360 --> 00:45:53,960 Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. Yesterday. You know, I have 826 00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:58,160 Speaker 1: a part that's she's doing okay, she's called knives out. 827 00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:01,880 Speaker 1: She's been really at bay and the person that she 828 00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:03,720 Speaker 1: likes to bring the knives out to with my husband 829 00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:06,600 Speaker 1: for Zack. So she loves to bring those knives out. 830 00:46:07,440 --> 00:46:09,360 Speaker 1: But we've been so good, you know, like my husband 831 00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,480 Speaker 1: and I do IFS therapy and for couple therapies, so 832 00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:14,360 Speaker 1: like we are, we're in a great We're a rocket. 833 00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:16,680 Speaker 1: I mean, it's amazing that marriages can get that much 834 00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:20,920 Speaker 1: better for a time and we have a language around it. 835 00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,439 Speaker 1: And I said to him something happened where he said 836 00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:26,719 Speaker 1: something that was really triggering to me. It was like 837 00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:28,759 Speaker 1: something that we're like I did something with my kid 838 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,359 Speaker 1: that he didn't like, and he was kind of shaming me, 839 00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:33,200 Speaker 1: but not on purpose, but I felt shamed because when 840 00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:37,239 Speaker 1: does knives out come out? Jay? When I feel shame? Right, Like, 841 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:39,160 Speaker 1: I don't want to feel that shame. So instead of 842 00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:41,759 Speaker 1: feeling that shame, I'm going to literally bring the knives out, 843 00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:46,480 Speaker 1: go and become completely overtaken. You'll if anyone that read 844 00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:48,359 Speaker 1: my books on me, they'd be like terrified and cry 845 00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:50,960 Speaker 1: and run in the corner. And knives out comes out 846 00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:54,560 Speaker 1: and she's like cursing, and she's like go after yourself, 847 00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:58,640 Speaker 1: you know, and like outraged. And later that night Zach 848 00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:01,319 Speaker 1: was just like I don't know what to do with 849 00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:04,160 Speaker 1: that part, Like what the hell was that? Why did 850 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:06,000 Speaker 1: you We've been so good? Why did you have to 851 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:09,080 Speaker 1: act out like that? And I said, I was triggered 852 00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:13,480 Speaker 1: in the moment, and I was taken over by the part, 853 00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:16,319 Speaker 1: and I want to speak for the part. There's that 854 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:20,160 Speaker 1: part again that when she feels shame, she goes into 855 00:47:20,239 --> 00:47:23,440 Speaker 1: a nut, she checks out. I become blended with the part. 856 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,080 Speaker 1: You literally could take on like a different physical form. 857 00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,920 Speaker 1: Your face can change, your voice can change. And I 858 00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:32,279 Speaker 1: just said, I'm really sorry for how I acted, and 859 00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:35,640 Speaker 1: I want to take ownership that that part gets really 860 00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:37,719 Speaker 1: and I'm not saying, oh, it's just a part, so 861 00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,080 Speaker 1: get over it. I'm saying, that's that part that I'm 862 00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:42,160 Speaker 1: still working with. I'm going to speak for the part. 863 00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,920 Speaker 1: The part got really activated. She felt shame. When she 864 00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:48,319 Speaker 1: feels shame, she can't she goes crazy. And so I'm 865 00:47:48,320 --> 00:47:50,279 Speaker 1: going to keep working with her. And I'm sorry that 866 00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:54,200 Speaker 1: she acted out, but I'm speaking for her that rather 867 00:47:54,239 --> 00:47:57,040 Speaker 1: than as her, as her would have been like still 868 00:47:57,160 --> 00:48:01,160 Speaker 1: in that rage, I'm protecting no matter what, fighting for 869 00:48:01,239 --> 00:48:04,040 Speaker 1: the part. And this is really cool in work environments, 870 00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:06,000 Speaker 1: So if you've got coworkers that you work with or 871 00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:08,200 Speaker 1: a boss that pisces you off, you cause starts speaking 872 00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:09,640 Speaker 1: for the part. You can go to the boss and 873 00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:12,480 Speaker 1: just say hey, listen, depending on the environment, but you 874 00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:16,200 Speaker 1: could in your own way say hey listen. I just 875 00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:18,960 Speaker 1: want to let you know that when I get really flustered, 876 00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:20,840 Speaker 1: when I don't know the answers, I just wanted to 877 00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:22,479 Speaker 1: let you know that that a part of me gets 878 00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:24,920 Speaker 1: really activated when I don't know all the answers. So 879 00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:26,880 Speaker 1: if you see me acting weird in those but I 880 00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:28,600 Speaker 1: just want to let you know, because I'm not trying 881 00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:31,000 Speaker 1: to bullshit you, but I actually just get really flustered. 882 00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:34,239 Speaker 1: And you just imagine living like that or starting a 883 00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:37,640 Speaker 1: relationship with somebody and you have this language and you're like, listen, 884 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,400 Speaker 1: A part of me is like a very anxious attishment style. 885 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:42,279 Speaker 1: And I just want you to know that, Like, like 886 00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:44,560 Speaker 1: I might act a little nuts at times because this 887 00:48:44,719 --> 00:48:46,560 Speaker 1: is a part of me that gets activated. If I 888 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:48,759 Speaker 1: was dating a guy early in a relationship and he 889 00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:51,120 Speaker 1: said that's me, I'd be like, bro, let's take this further. 890 00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:53,960 Speaker 1: And if they can't, then that's not your partner, right. 891 00:48:54,320 --> 00:48:57,120 Speaker 1: But speaking for these parts just makes you so much cooler. 892 00:48:58,719 --> 00:49:01,400 Speaker 2: It's like that animation inside out. 893 00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:03,319 Speaker 1: Well, inside out is based on i FS. 894 00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:06,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, right, right right? That makes sense. 895 00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:09,319 Speaker 1: And that's why I love it for kids, because then 896 00:49:09,360 --> 00:49:11,200 Speaker 1: I'll talk to my kid about that film and I'll 897 00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:13,200 Speaker 1: be like, I'm a really anxious guy, and you know, 898 00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:15,680 Speaker 1: they can speak for these parts of yourself. 899 00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:35,480 Speaker 2: Talk to me about how you've been using ifs in 900 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,920 Speaker 2: those two ways. So you talked about with your husband, 901 00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:43,200 Speaker 2: Zach and with your son. Let's talk about i FS 902 00:49:43,239 --> 00:49:47,680 Speaker 2: in that context of being in a relationship and a 903 00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,080 Speaker 2: romantic relationship and then having a relationship with your child. 904 00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:54,239 Speaker 2: Let's start with romantic relationship. If someone's starting to do 905 00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:58,520 Speaker 2: this work and they want to encourage their partner to 906 00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:01,879 Speaker 2: be included in it, how do you do that? How 907 00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:03,799 Speaker 2: do you go about that conversation in a way I 908 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,879 Speaker 2: feel like so many people today are like, I don't 909 00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:07,759 Speaker 2: want to date someone who hasn't done therapy. I don't 910 00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:10,200 Speaker 2: want to date someone who hasn't healed. How do you 911 00:50:10,200 --> 00:50:12,200 Speaker 2: actually have that conversation in a healthy way. 912 00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:14,920 Speaker 1: I'm going to answer that with a story. Okay, So, 913 00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:19,000 Speaker 1: because I get this question all the time. When I 914 00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:23,879 Speaker 1: first started this yoga practice decade almost a decade ago, 915 00:50:24,239 --> 00:50:26,120 Speaker 1: and I was so deeply into it and I was 916 00:50:26,160 --> 00:50:28,320 Speaker 1: like doing the sad nad. I was wearing the turbine 917 00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:30,120 Speaker 1: and you remember, and I was like in the whites 918 00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,279 Speaker 1: and I was like every day all day going to 919 00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:34,879 Speaker 1: the teacher training. I'd come home and I'd be like, Zach, 920 00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:36,799 Speaker 1: you have to do this, like you know, five hour 921 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,719 Speaker 1: breath work practice through your hands in the air with me. 922 00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,160 Speaker 1: And he was just like go after yourself, like, no, 923 00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:43,080 Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. And I kept being like, well, 924 00:50:43,080 --> 00:50:44,400 Speaker 1: why isn't he doing it? And I went to my 925 00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:46,880 Speaker 1: teacher and I said, listen, my husband isn't doing the 926 00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:48,840 Speaker 1: practice with me. He doesn't want to do it. And 927 00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:51,400 Speaker 1: she looked at me and she said, the second that 928 00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:54,480 Speaker 1: you walk in the door, when you get home, she said, 929 00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:58,600 Speaker 1: take off the turbin and shut up. And that was it. 930 00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:01,280 Speaker 1: That's my answer for everybody. Take off your metaphorical turbine 931 00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:03,239 Speaker 1: and shut up. Because if your partner's not ready for it, 932 00:51:03,239 --> 00:51:05,799 Speaker 1: they're not ready for it. You do the work. You 933 00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:08,319 Speaker 1: are the one you've been waiting for. You get to work, 934 00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:11,640 Speaker 1: you start tending to the parts of yourself inside, and 935 00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:15,080 Speaker 1: when you change, everybody else around you has the opportunity 936 00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:18,279 Speaker 1: to rise up with you. And that's in relationships. If 937 00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:20,120 Speaker 1: you start to rise and they don't rise with you, 938 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:21,920 Speaker 1: then that's your sign. Okay, it's time to move on. 939 00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:25,000 Speaker 1: But when you rise, you give somebody the opportunity to 940 00:51:25,080 --> 00:51:27,680 Speaker 1: elevate with you, alongside you. But you got to do 941 00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:30,720 Speaker 1: the work you can't. Yeah, you could say I'm tracting 942 00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:32,200 Speaker 1: a partner that wants to do the work, but their 943 00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:35,200 Speaker 1: work might be different than your work. And so I've 944 00:51:35,239 --> 00:51:37,520 Speaker 1: been on my own path. Zach's been on his own path. 945 00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:41,600 Speaker 1: We find intersection, but he's not sitting and going to 946 00:51:41,840 --> 00:51:43,680 Speaker 1: ashram or he's not going to go and deep do 947 00:51:43,719 --> 00:51:47,239 Speaker 1: a two hour meditation. But he will do self help 948 00:51:47,320 --> 00:51:49,719 Speaker 1: with me. He'll check in with me. But this is 949 00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:52,280 Speaker 1: a journey. You got to do the work for yourself. 950 00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:56,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, what about when your parts, even when you learn 951 00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:59,600 Speaker 2: to speak for your parts and not as your parts, 952 00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,160 Speaker 2: when your parts have pushed people too far away? So, 953 00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:07,880 Speaker 2: for example, with your knives out, Zach is an understanding 954 00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:10,359 Speaker 2: person who's doing the work with you. He's also trying 955 00:52:10,400 --> 00:52:12,920 Speaker 2: to figure this out. I'm sure he has his version 956 00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:15,799 Speaker 2: of whatever it is, what do you do when your 957 00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:18,000 Speaker 2: parts have acted out and you've realized too late that 958 00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:21,160 Speaker 2: they've actually pushed people quite far away. Is that repairable? 959 00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:25,440 Speaker 1: The word is repair I think that that depends on 960 00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:29,840 Speaker 1: the relationship we as an addict. I know very well 961 00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:32,600 Speaker 1: what it means to make an amends. A lot of 962 00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,600 Speaker 1: times we as addicts can have those addicts are very 963 00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:39,919 Speaker 1: extreme parts. They're called firefighter parts that are literally at 964 00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:42,239 Speaker 1: wits end. I have to do whatever it takes to 965 00:52:42,239 --> 00:52:45,600 Speaker 1: put out the fire and the flames of this impermissible feeling. 966 00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:48,480 Speaker 1: And so that's why addicts deserve a tremendous amount of compassion, 967 00:52:48,560 --> 00:52:51,680 Speaker 1: because oftentimes we're traumatized people who do not have the 968 00:52:51,719 --> 00:52:54,760 Speaker 1: resources in that moment to actually heal and help ourselves. 969 00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:57,720 Speaker 1: So in the scenario of an addict, let's just say 970 00:52:57,840 --> 00:53:00,600 Speaker 1: they may have pushed a lot of people away. They 971 00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:03,920 Speaker 1: might have created a lot of wreckage. And so it's 972 00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,600 Speaker 1: first in the inner work of the self forgiveness. There's 973 00:53:06,640 --> 00:53:09,440 Speaker 1: a chapter in the book called self forgiveness. In the 974 00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:12,640 Speaker 1: inner work of getting in relationship with those parts and 975 00:53:12,840 --> 00:53:16,160 Speaker 1: recognizing that that was a part that was working really 976 00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:21,360 Speaker 1: hard and forgiving yourself first, because you won't really be 977 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:23,919 Speaker 1: able to even be in an energy that could be 978 00:53:25,120 --> 00:53:28,040 Speaker 1: resonant with someone to receive their forgiveness if you don't 979 00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:32,480 Speaker 1: forgive yourself first, because then you're needing them to make 980 00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:35,959 Speaker 1: it right for you. You have to make it right for you. 981 00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:40,359 Speaker 1: And when you do that, that's when your amends will 982 00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:43,680 Speaker 1: really land. So I can look at Zach now and say, 983 00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:49,520 Speaker 1: I know that this part needs me, and I'm working 984 00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:52,840 Speaker 1: really hard with her, and so I'm going to forgive 985 00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:56,160 Speaker 1: her and I'm gonna ask for your forgiveness as well. 986 00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,200 Speaker 1: And so I think that's the answer, Jay, is that 987 00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:01,920 Speaker 1: if you've pushed, if your parts have created a lot 988 00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:04,640 Speaker 1: of wreckage in your life, then you have to really, 989 00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:08,879 Speaker 1: no one has to. My suggestion is to go deep 990 00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:11,239 Speaker 1: into your own inner healing and forgiveness of yourself and 991 00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:14,120 Speaker 1: forgiveness of the parts and acceptance of the parts, and 992 00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:16,680 Speaker 1: then you'll be shown Self will guide you. You'll be 993 00:54:16,719 --> 00:54:20,760 Speaker 1: self led. Self is spirit, so self is God. Self 994 00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:24,000 Speaker 1: is the energy of love inside of you will show you. Okay, 995 00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,000 Speaker 1: when you feel that you have access to that self 996 00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:28,279 Speaker 1: forgiveness inside, you're going to know that it's time to 997 00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:32,640 Speaker 1: go and make amends. And maybe you get the forgiveness 998 00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:35,799 Speaker 1: or maybe you don't but you don't need it, but 999 00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:39,799 Speaker 1: you're there to ask to really to make amends. I 1000 00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:42,759 Speaker 1: think that all relationships, if there are two parties that 1001 00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:46,600 Speaker 1: are interested in this, this is an extraordinary practice for 1002 00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:50,280 Speaker 1: a couple, extraordinary, it's an extraordinary practice for a parent. 1003 00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:53,000 Speaker 1: Doctor Becky Kennedy's a good friend and she's also very 1004 00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:54,799 Speaker 1: good friends with Dick Schwartz, and she practices a lot 1005 00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:58,479 Speaker 1: of ifs in the work as well, and it comes 1006 00:54:58,480 --> 00:55:00,880 Speaker 1: through in her work a lot because think it's curiosity. 1007 00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:03,440 Speaker 1: You have a DFK deeply feeling kid like I do, 1008 00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:10,200 Speaker 1: and the child needs your self energy and the case 1009 00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:12,640 Speaker 1: of my child. So to answer the second question, how 1010 00:55:12,640 --> 00:55:15,040 Speaker 1: do we do this with their kids? Some kids might 1011 00:55:15,239 --> 00:55:17,759 Speaker 1: like the four steps. Some kids might like, you know, 1012 00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:20,160 Speaker 1: they're really activated, and you're like, okay, let's check in, 1013 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:21,719 Speaker 1: you know, let me check in, and you actually could 1014 00:55:21,760 --> 00:55:23,279 Speaker 1: go through the steps of them. Let's check in with 1015 00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:24,960 Speaker 1: that part at where do you feel at your body? 1016 00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:25,360 Speaker 2: Baby? 1017 00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:27,400 Speaker 1: And just checking in okay, oh, and then what do 1018 00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:29,520 Speaker 1: you need and how do you feel now that mommy's 1019 00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,880 Speaker 1: giving you a little bit of breath and remembering that 1020 00:55:31,920 --> 00:55:35,759 Speaker 1: our children are always co regulating with they're regulating with 1021 00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:39,359 Speaker 1: our energy, so we're not coregulating. They're regulating with us 1022 00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,200 Speaker 1: and so our self energy. The more we do this, 1023 00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:44,960 Speaker 1: the better a parent we will be, because what does 1024 00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:47,399 Speaker 1: a child need a self led leader in the home. 1025 00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:51,759 Speaker 1: The child doesn't need a lot of child's parts parenting them. 1026 00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:56,680 Speaker 1: They need the adult resourced, undamaged self as often as 1027 00:55:56,680 --> 00:56:01,080 Speaker 1: possible as the parent, because that's what's safe and so 1028 00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:03,880 Speaker 1: that self but gets more self. In the case of 1029 00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:06,000 Speaker 1: my child, if I start trying to go through the 1030 00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:08,719 Speaker 1: forests with him, he's like, are you kidding me? He 1031 00:56:08,880 --> 00:56:12,000 Speaker 1: is so allergic to you know, this kind of conversations. 1032 00:56:12,000 --> 00:56:14,640 Speaker 1: You're like, how you feeling? He's like, nah, mammy, So 1033 00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:16,560 Speaker 1: I have to do a little backwards ways, you know, 1034 00:56:16,719 --> 00:56:19,200 Speaker 1: I'll just be very casual, like, yo, bro, how are 1035 00:56:19,200 --> 00:56:21,440 Speaker 1: you feeling? Like what's going on? Like what happened today? 1036 00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:25,400 Speaker 1: Just really cash, really cash. So you have to know 1037 00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:27,880 Speaker 1: your kid. Yeah, the kid is like, don't try that 1038 00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:30,080 Speaker 1: on me, mommy. 1039 00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:33,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's and that's that's the beauty of it, though, 1040 00:56:33,239 --> 00:56:36,200 Speaker 2: is that it gives you a language to speak to 1041 00:56:36,719 --> 00:56:38,200 Speaker 2: the other people in your life as well. 1042 00:56:38,880 --> 00:56:43,240 Speaker 1: Yes, So if you have friends or other parties involved. 1043 00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:45,799 Speaker 1: It gives you a collective language. So it's really funny 1044 00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:49,480 Speaker 1: whenever I'm around my friends in the IFS community. I 1045 00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,919 Speaker 1: did a call yesterday with Dick Schwartz and his wife 1046 00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:53,880 Speaker 1: and we were talking about AI stuff and I was 1047 00:56:54,040 --> 00:56:56,759 Speaker 1: giving them some guidance and they were getting activated by 1048 00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,399 Speaker 1: it because it's new, and it's like, what do you mean, 1049 00:56:58,480 --> 00:57:00,480 Speaker 1: are you like a clone? Like what are you talking about? 1050 00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:03,480 Speaker 1: And I looked at them and I was like, so, guys, 1051 00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:05,200 Speaker 1: you know, I know I have a really aggressive part 1052 00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:07,680 Speaker 1: that likes to get really excited about things. So just 1053 00:57:07,719 --> 00:57:09,319 Speaker 1: warning you as we enter this car. And so we 1054 00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:11,759 Speaker 1: all speak for our parts in these relationships. And it 1055 00:57:11,840 --> 00:57:14,319 Speaker 1: really is quite funny when you're around as IFS people 1056 00:57:14,320 --> 00:57:16,000 Speaker 1: because we're all just like, my part feels this, but 1057 00:57:16,040 --> 00:57:18,360 Speaker 1: it's beautiful. And imagine the whole world just walking around 1058 00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:20,240 Speaker 1: being like, hey, we just speak for a part of 1059 00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,200 Speaker 1: myself before I act like an asshole. 1060 00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:24,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's incredible. 1061 00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:26,240 Speaker 1: It's a totally different way to live. 1062 00:57:26,560 --> 00:57:28,360 Speaker 2: It's it's people use it as an excuse. 1063 00:57:30,480 --> 00:57:33,480 Speaker 1: Definitely. You don't want to start being like in that 1064 00:57:33,560 --> 00:57:36,200 Speaker 1: sort of wounded place of it's kind of like offense 1065 00:57:36,320 --> 00:57:38,800 Speaker 1: but that happens in all practice, of course, right, You're 1066 00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:40,880 Speaker 1: gonna be like, well, I just needed my four hour 1067 00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:43,600 Speaker 1: meditation or I didn't do enough mantras this morning or whatever, 1068 00:57:43,680 --> 00:57:46,080 Speaker 1: you know. But in this instance, I think that we 1069 00:57:46,240 --> 00:57:49,080 Speaker 1: this is about taking ownership of our parts, but not 1070 00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,400 Speaker 1: in a way where we're judging them, but where we're 1071 00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:55,400 Speaker 1: befriending them and speaking for them and taking care of them. 1072 00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:57,280 Speaker 2: Is there is there ever a time we've talked to 1073 00:57:57,280 --> 00:58:02,160 Speaker 2: a lot about self soothing, self regulating, self help overaule? 1074 00:58:02,720 --> 00:58:05,760 Speaker 2: Is there ever a time where being hard on yourself 1075 00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:08,960 Speaker 2: is actually useful and effective? 1076 00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:11,280 Speaker 1: You ask the best questions? Are so good at this, 1077 00:58:13,200 --> 00:58:16,200 Speaker 1: you know, I think that there's so this is actually 1078 00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:22,439 Speaker 1: a beautiful question. There are protectors that also have really 1079 00:58:22,520 --> 00:58:25,600 Speaker 1: valuable They all have valuable roles. Right, So let's think 1080 00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:29,560 Speaker 1: about it from the standpoint of my Workaholic really create 1081 00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:31,360 Speaker 1: a lot of drama and chaos in my life and 1082 00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:35,360 Speaker 1: gastro issues and just constant hyper vigilance. But she also 1083 00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:38,280 Speaker 1: wrote ten books in fourteen years, right, and she's helped 1084 00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:40,760 Speaker 1: served a lot of souls. So we didn't want to 1085 00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:43,360 Speaker 1: shut her down or blame her or shame her she 1086 00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:44,840 Speaker 1: was doing the best she could, and she also did 1087 00:58:44,880 --> 00:58:47,200 Speaker 1: a lot of good along the way, and we can 1088 00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:50,640 Speaker 1: be in difficult times and still be doing great things 1089 00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:54,760 Speaker 1: in the world. So I think that a part that 1090 00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:59,000 Speaker 1: is sort of beating us up, or not even beating 1091 00:58:59,040 --> 00:59:01,720 Speaker 1: us up, maybe like an encouraging part that's like, you know, 1092 00:59:01,920 --> 00:59:06,000 Speaker 1: push harder, go more. It's it's it's a self like part. 1093 00:59:06,160 --> 00:59:09,040 Speaker 1: It's not it's not self, but it has more self 1094 00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:13,120 Speaker 1: aspects than protect your aspects. And the real question isn't 1095 00:59:13,560 --> 00:59:16,080 Speaker 1: is that bad or good? It's really is is it extreme? 1096 00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,440 Speaker 1: Because if it's extreme, that's when you really need to 1097 00:59:19,440 --> 00:59:22,720 Speaker 1: start to tend to it. Because remember, we could be 1098 00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:26,800 Speaker 1: very praised for our perfectionism, or very praised for our 1099 00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:30,400 Speaker 1: work ethic, or very praised for how hard we hit 1100 00:59:30,480 --> 00:59:33,760 Speaker 1: the gym or how much we practice that tennis, and 1101 00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:36,280 Speaker 1: we could be really praised for that, and it looks 1102 00:59:36,280 --> 00:59:38,120 Speaker 1: like a great quality, and in many ways it is. 1103 00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:42,640 Speaker 1: But when it's extreme, it's oftentimes a very extreme protector. 1104 00:59:44,120 --> 00:59:46,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the that's and that's why you've got 1105 00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:49,040 Speaker 2: to approach it in the same way. You can't judge 1106 00:59:49,040 --> 00:59:50,760 Speaker 2: that part of you that is hard on you. 1107 00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:53,760 Speaker 1: No check one with it. Yeah, and the thing that's happened. 1108 00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:57,120 Speaker 1: Here's the miracle. When you start to check in with 1109 00:59:57,160 --> 00:59:58,720 Speaker 1: these parts and you start to befriend them, and you 1110 00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:00,480 Speaker 1: start to self soothe, and you start to create this 1111 01:00:00,560 --> 01:00:05,120 Speaker 1: relationship inside. It's not that the parts have to go away, Jay, 1112 01:00:05,640 --> 01:00:11,400 Speaker 1: It's that the parts now become the best versions of themselves. 1113 01:00:12,040 --> 01:00:17,200 Speaker 1: They've returned to their natural roles. So my workaholic part, Look, 1114 01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:19,520 Speaker 1: I've got you today and then I'm going off to 1115 01:00:19,560 --> 01:00:22,040 Speaker 1: the next thing. I got three more podcasts tomorrow. I'm 1116 01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:24,720 Speaker 1: still showing up, but I'm doing it in a less 1117 01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:28,080 Speaker 1: extreme way. You know this, You've known me for almost 1118 01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:32,040 Speaker 1: a decade. My energy is different. I'm not doing I mean, 1119 01:00:32,120 --> 01:00:35,200 Speaker 1: I'm not doing less. I'm just more intentional and I'm 1120 01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:37,960 Speaker 1: more aligned, and I'm more resourced, and I'm having more 1121 01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:40,240 Speaker 1: fun and I'm more child like. I can't tell you 1122 01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:42,600 Speaker 1: how many friends like you and Louis and like brothers 1123 01:00:42,600 --> 01:00:45,120 Speaker 1: of mine have been like, yeahy, you're like so youthful 1124 01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:47,320 Speaker 1: and child like. You guys said that to me when 1125 01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:50,880 Speaker 1: we had dinner. And that's just the unburdening because it's 1126 01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:52,760 Speaker 1: gonna make me cry. It's like you return to this 1127 01:00:52,880 --> 01:00:56,800 Speaker 1: child like presence inside that was always there. Yeah, it 1128 01:00:56,960 --> 01:00:58,200 Speaker 1: just got taken from you. 1129 01:00:58,480 --> 01:01:00,360 Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean when we were at Lewis's and I 1130 01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:02,080 Speaker 2: didn't actually tell you this. I told you at dinner, 1131 01:01:02,080 --> 01:01:03,520 Speaker 2: which I think we had like a year ago, but 1132 01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:06,280 Speaker 2: when we were at Lewis's wedding earlier this, yeah, I 1133 01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:07,840 Speaker 2: was just I was thinking about it a lot, and 1134 01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:10,520 Speaker 2: I was like, Wow, Gabby's just so at peace, Like 1135 01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:12,880 Speaker 2: you just have this ease about you these days. That 1136 01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:14,320 Speaker 2: not that you weren't and you were like that when 1137 01:01:14,320 --> 01:01:16,480 Speaker 2: I first met you. You were like you were buzzy, 1138 01:01:16,520 --> 01:01:17,640 Speaker 2: and you were like kind of like, you know, you 1139 01:01:17,680 --> 01:01:19,520 Speaker 2: had all this good energy you always have. I've never 1140 01:01:19,560 --> 01:01:23,200 Speaker 2: felt anything different, but I could feel that like ease 1141 01:01:23,280 --> 01:01:26,040 Speaker 2: and grace and peace from you. Yeah, And that's a 1142 01:01:26,040 --> 01:01:28,800 Speaker 2: really beautiful thing when you experience it in someone. Because 1143 01:01:28,840 --> 01:01:31,440 Speaker 2: I think we're used to being around high performing people 1144 01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:35,120 Speaker 2: who have big goals and targets and things like that, 1145 01:01:35,760 --> 01:01:37,720 Speaker 2: and that's not a fun energy to be around. It's 1146 01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:40,040 Speaker 2: kind of it's it's not like it's not attractive that 1147 01:01:40,160 --> 01:01:42,919 Speaker 2: and we're all ambitious and stuff, so there's nothing wrong 1148 01:01:43,000 --> 01:01:47,240 Speaker 2: with that. But if that someone's overarching energy. It's not 1149 01:01:47,320 --> 01:01:49,080 Speaker 2: the same as when you're around someone who's kind of 1150 01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:51,320 Speaker 2: just at ease and peace, even though they are driven 1151 01:01:51,320 --> 01:01:54,880 Speaker 2: and ambitious. Talk to me about that kind of paradox, 1152 01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:57,520 Speaker 2: because I think we think that if someone's at peace, 1153 01:01:57,520 --> 01:02:02,040 Speaker 2: they're slow, yeah, and if someone's ambitious, they're fast. Talk 1154 01:02:02,080 --> 01:02:07,080 Speaker 2: to me about slow fast yeah, peaceful, ambitious yeah yeah yeah. 1155 01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:11,360 Speaker 1: Well, oftentimes high performing entrepreneurs do have a lot of 1156 01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:16,200 Speaker 1: shadow parts, but oftentimes that is the reason for so 1157 01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:20,440 Speaker 1: much of their successes, and it's when those folks begin 1158 01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:25,959 Speaker 1: to alchemize and start to recognize and do the work. 1159 01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:28,840 Speaker 1: However that work shows up in their life that they're 1160 01:02:29,160 --> 01:02:33,560 Speaker 1: real successes, not external, but that they're actually able to 1161 01:02:33,640 --> 01:02:37,120 Speaker 1: achieve what they're truly capable of. And so achievement is 1162 01:02:37,160 --> 01:02:40,360 Speaker 1: not a sign of self energy at all. Achievement is 1163 01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:42,840 Speaker 1: oftentimes the sign of a lot of protectors working their 1164 01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:46,480 Speaker 1: ass off to get something going to protect you. What 1165 01:02:46,720 --> 01:02:50,480 Speaker 1: happens when we are in that self energy, when we're 1166 01:02:50,480 --> 01:02:53,560 Speaker 1: in self is that it's not that if we are 1167 01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:56,840 Speaker 1: a high performer. Just by nature, certain people just have 1168 01:02:56,840 --> 01:03:00,439 Speaker 1: different energies, right, We're born with different frequencies if that's 1169 01:03:00,560 --> 01:03:02,640 Speaker 1: in your nature and that's a part of you. It's 1170 01:03:02,640 --> 01:03:05,160 Speaker 1: not that that goes away, it's just that you can 1171 01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:08,680 Speaker 1: do it in a more sustainable way. You have more boundaries, 1172 01:03:08,720 --> 01:03:11,480 Speaker 1: you have more ability to say yes, say no. You 1173 01:03:11,600 --> 01:03:16,200 Speaker 1: are clearer, so you're making better decisions. You're clearer so 1174 01:03:16,280 --> 01:03:19,760 Speaker 1: you're not surrounding yourself with the wrong folks, so you're 1175 01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:23,720 Speaker 1: you can actually move even faster and create even more 1176 01:03:24,080 --> 01:03:28,760 Speaker 1: because you're not burdened. So it's it's not faster or slow, 1177 01:03:29,520 --> 01:03:33,280 Speaker 1: it's what is the energy that's moving through you. When 1178 01:03:33,360 --> 01:03:35,960 Speaker 1: you have self energy, you could move for real fast, 1179 01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:39,360 Speaker 1: but it's so intentional that it has so much more 1180 01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,520 Speaker 1: power and you actually can do a lot less and 1181 01:03:41,560 --> 01:03:42,479 Speaker 1: attract a lot more. 1182 01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:02,600 Speaker 2: Let's talk about bound because I mean, I feel like 1183 01:04:02,720 --> 01:04:05,920 Speaker 2: boundaries is at the heart of every human issue today 1184 01:04:06,480 --> 01:04:09,520 Speaker 2: in the sense of when we think about interpersonal dynamics, 1185 01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,440 Speaker 2: whether people having issues with their friends, their family members, 1186 01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:16,520 Speaker 2: it's all boundaries based. And many of us are willing 1187 01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:21,000 Speaker 2: to break our boundaries because we care more about people pleasing, 1188 01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:26,200 Speaker 2: we care more about living up to everyone's expectations, we 1189 01:04:26,240 --> 01:04:29,360 Speaker 2: care more about everything else, and we think we have 1190 01:04:29,400 --> 01:04:31,160 Speaker 2: a boundary. We say we have a boundary, but we 1191 01:04:31,160 --> 01:04:33,800 Speaker 2: don't really keep up to it. So I'll give an example. 1192 01:04:33,840 --> 01:04:35,240 Speaker 2: I was talking to a friend the other day and 1193 01:04:36,560 --> 01:04:41,400 Speaker 2: she said she wanted to she only wanted to hang 1194 01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:47,240 Speaker 2: out if all of the friends were invited, and another 1195 01:04:47,240 --> 01:04:49,440 Speaker 2: one of her friends said, no, I only want to 1196 01:04:49,480 --> 01:04:51,840 Speaker 2: hang out with you, and she was like, well, if 1197 01:04:51,840 --> 01:04:53,520 Speaker 2: we hang out, then everyone's going to find out we 1198 01:04:53,600 --> 01:04:55,400 Speaker 2: hang out, and then they're going to be upset that 1199 01:04:55,440 --> 01:04:57,640 Speaker 2: we hung out. So I think we should invite everyone. 1200 01:04:57,880 --> 01:04:59,360 Speaker 2: And the other friend said, no, I just want to 1201 01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,439 Speaker 2: hang out with you and a couple of other friends, 1202 01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,720 Speaker 2: but I don't want to invite everyone. So you had 1203 01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:07,000 Speaker 2: these two boundaries that were almost at odds with each other. 1204 01:05:07,040 --> 01:05:09,320 Speaker 2: One boundary was we should always invite everyone because it 1205 01:05:09,320 --> 01:05:12,240 Speaker 2: makes everyone feel included, which almost was people pleasing, not 1206 01:05:12,280 --> 01:05:14,440 Speaker 2: even a boundary. And the other boundary was, no, I 1207 01:05:14,440 --> 01:05:16,120 Speaker 2: think it should just be a small group of us. 1208 01:05:16,880 --> 01:05:20,360 Speaker 2: And the person who wanted to invite everyone ultimately gave 1209 01:05:20,400 --> 01:05:22,000 Speaker 2: in and said, no, okay, fine, we'll just have a 1210 01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:23,600 Speaker 2: small group of us. Yeah. Now this is a very 1211 01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:26,880 Speaker 2: small example, but to me, it's at the heart of 1212 01:05:27,040 --> 01:05:29,920 Speaker 2: all the problems that we have. It's like people being 1213 01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,520 Speaker 2: upset that people didn't invite them to their wedding, People 1214 01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:35,040 Speaker 2: being upset that they invited them but didn't give them 1215 01:05:35,080 --> 01:05:40,320 Speaker 2: an important role. People being upset that their family didn't 1216 01:05:40,320 --> 01:05:43,280 Speaker 2: prioritize their birthday. People being upset that they're always the 1217 01:05:43,360 --> 01:05:46,480 Speaker 2: ones organizing vacations and no one else does. Like, these 1218 01:05:46,480 --> 01:05:48,920 Speaker 2: are the real challenges in life that we're all going 1219 01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:52,520 Speaker 2: through every day. What do we do? How do we 1220 01:05:52,560 --> 01:05:56,439 Speaker 2: set boundaries that we actually stick to and that we're 1221 01:05:56,480 --> 01:05:58,000 Speaker 2: okay with letting people down? 1222 01:05:58,080 --> 01:06:00,440 Speaker 1: It seems it sounds like the case of your friends, 1223 01:06:00,640 --> 01:06:03,120 Speaker 1: the one that was wanting to invite everybody to big 1224 01:06:03,120 --> 01:06:05,040 Speaker 1: people please are part and it might sound like the 1225 01:06:05,040 --> 01:06:07,000 Speaker 1: other one probably had a pretty clear bound like yeah, 1226 01:06:07,040 --> 01:06:09,600 Speaker 1: good boundaries good or bout it? I mean, listen, boundaries 1227 01:06:09,600 --> 01:06:12,840 Speaker 1: are only good if they're led byself, because you could 1228 01:06:12,880 --> 01:06:14,920 Speaker 1: also be really like, I've got all these boundaries. But 1229 01:06:14,960 --> 01:06:19,760 Speaker 1: that's a protector too, right, So, whether it's boundaries, whether 1230 01:06:19,880 --> 01:06:25,560 Speaker 1: it's it's control, whether it's anxiety, whatever the protector is, 1231 01:06:26,560 --> 01:06:30,760 Speaker 1: if those parts of you are happening in extreme ways 1232 01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:37,520 Speaker 1: that are misaligned with that calm, clear, curious compassionate, confident, 1233 01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:41,520 Speaker 1: courageous energy. Then it's a protector. Then it's a protector. 1234 01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:45,480 Speaker 1: It's across the board when it comes to boundaries, I 1235 01:06:45,520 --> 01:06:48,760 Speaker 1: find that the more we do whatever type of personal 1236 01:06:48,800 --> 01:06:50,800 Speaker 1: development or spiritual practice that we have, and the more 1237 01:06:50,840 --> 01:06:54,400 Speaker 1: we start to access self inside, the more precious we 1238 01:06:54,520 --> 01:07:01,160 Speaker 1: realize our energy is, the more connected we feel inside, 1239 01:07:01,880 --> 01:07:05,760 Speaker 1: so we begin to know I can't do that anymore. 1240 01:07:06,160 --> 01:07:09,080 Speaker 1: The more access to self that I have acquired, the 1241 01:07:09,120 --> 01:07:11,520 Speaker 1: easier it has been for me to be very boundaried 1242 01:07:11,560 --> 01:07:14,640 Speaker 1: with the people who work for me and literally speak 1243 01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:18,600 Speaker 1: the thing that in the wrong tone could be very upsetting, 1244 01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:21,520 Speaker 1: but with the self energy or fine, so saying Nope, 1245 01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:24,640 Speaker 1: I won't do that anymore, that's not my thing, or 1246 01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:26,880 Speaker 1: look at somebody in the eye and say, actually, that's 1247 01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:30,000 Speaker 1: your job. I want you to do that. That's no 1248 01:07:30,120 --> 01:07:32,840 Speaker 1: longer my job. I had a part for many years 1249 01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:35,760 Speaker 1: Jay that was if they don't do it, if I 1250 01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:38,560 Speaker 1: don't do it, nobody else will. That was a really 1251 01:07:38,640 --> 01:07:40,480 Speaker 1: big part. If I don't do it, nobody else will. 1252 01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:42,200 Speaker 1: And that was lingering for up until maybe a year 1253 01:07:42,240 --> 01:07:45,000 Speaker 1: ago or less. It's really recent that it's been kind 1254 01:07:45,000 --> 01:07:47,280 Speaker 1: of out of my life, and not completely but. 1255 01:07:47,160 --> 01:07:49,320 Speaker 2: Pretty much much how you worked on that one, because 1256 01:07:49,360 --> 01:07:49,960 Speaker 2: that's a great one. 1257 01:07:50,080 --> 01:07:53,040 Speaker 1: I just kept working with that part. So that part 1258 01:07:53,160 --> 01:07:55,600 Speaker 1: was probably one of the parts I worked with most 1259 01:07:55,920 --> 01:07:58,600 Speaker 1: in my life. And it was really creating a lot 1260 01:07:58,640 --> 01:08:01,320 Speaker 1: of chaos because and it made me just to be 1261 01:08:01,360 --> 01:08:02,680 Speaker 1: the one that would take the burden of all of 1262 01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:04,560 Speaker 1: it and do all the work too. It wouldn't let 1263 01:08:04,560 --> 01:08:05,960 Speaker 1: people rise up. And three, it would put me in 1264 01:08:05,960 --> 01:08:08,080 Speaker 1: a position where I wasn't never asking for what I wanted, 1265 01:08:08,080 --> 01:08:10,160 Speaker 1: and I did not have the clear boundaries around where 1266 01:08:10,200 --> 01:08:13,600 Speaker 1: I started and I ended, and so burn out. And 1267 01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:15,400 Speaker 1: so I kept working with it and working with it 1268 01:08:15,440 --> 01:08:18,040 Speaker 1: and checking in with it and noticing it and witnessing 1269 01:08:18,040 --> 01:08:20,200 Speaker 1: it and bringing it to my IFS therapy and bringing 1270 01:08:20,200 --> 01:08:22,519 Speaker 1: it to my meditation practice and checking in with it. 1271 01:08:22,560 --> 01:08:24,280 Speaker 1: I checked in with every single day for at least 1272 01:08:24,320 --> 01:08:26,960 Speaker 1: a year through my journaling. I literally wrote with it 1273 01:08:27,000 --> 01:08:30,200 Speaker 1: every single day for a year. During COVID, I was 1274 01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:32,160 Speaker 1: working with it like crazy. So it's been maybe a 1275 01:08:32,200 --> 01:08:34,439 Speaker 1: decade of working two decades of working with that part, 1276 01:08:34,880 --> 01:08:39,000 Speaker 1: but really heavily in the last year, and man, I 1277 01:08:39,040 --> 01:08:43,240 Speaker 1: have come out the other side I'm literally looking at people, 1278 01:08:43,320 --> 01:08:46,439 Speaker 1: and I'm in a different nervous system. I'll look at somebody, 1279 01:08:46,439 --> 01:08:49,280 Speaker 1: I'll say, oh no, no, no, that's your job, that's 1280 01:08:49,320 --> 01:08:52,280 Speaker 1: your job, that's not my job, or and I actually 1281 01:08:52,320 --> 01:08:54,479 Speaker 1: don't come across. I was probably much more of an 1282 01:08:54,520 --> 01:08:59,080 Speaker 1: asshole before because I was doing it and then mad 1283 01:08:59,120 --> 01:09:00,960 Speaker 1: that I was doing it, and then taking it out 1284 01:09:01,000 --> 01:09:04,280 Speaker 1: on them energetically. Right, So now I'm just like, oh, no, no, no, 1285 01:09:04,320 --> 01:09:06,840 Speaker 1: you know that's your thing, or I'm going to ask 1286 01:09:06,880 --> 01:09:09,400 Speaker 1: that you do this thing. This is my clear clarity 1287 01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:12,200 Speaker 1: and boundaries as a leader, as an entrepreneur, as someone 1288 01:09:12,200 --> 01:09:13,640 Speaker 1: who wants to be a leader in your home with 1289 01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:16,720 Speaker 1: your child, in your classroom, and your business, whatever it 1290 01:09:16,760 --> 01:09:19,400 Speaker 1: is that you do. This is the most important book 1291 01:09:19,439 --> 01:09:22,200 Speaker 1: you could read as a leader. And I wish I 1292 01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:23,960 Speaker 1: actually know. It's easy for me to say that because 1293 01:09:23,960 --> 01:09:27,160 Speaker 1: it's based on Dick Schwartz's work. Right, So it's this 1294 01:09:27,360 --> 01:09:30,240 Speaker 1: or any ifs practice work is the most important thing 1295 01:09:30,280 --> 01:09:32,360 Speaker 1: you could do as a leader. The Dick talks about 1296 01:09:32,400 --> 01:09:37,160 Speaker 1: self led leaders. We need to be showing up particularly 1297 01:09:37,280 --> 01:09:40,920 Speaker 1: right now. What's happened is everyone out there out there, 1298 01:09:41,560 --> 01:09:46,200 Speaker 1: It's all just a lot of damaged parts on all 1299 01:09:46,240 --> 01:09:49,599 Speaker 1: over the place. This country is insanely divisive all throughout 1300 01:09:49,640 --> 01:09:55,280 Speaker 1: the world. And that's just parts parts chaos, chaos. 1301 01:09:55,360 --> 01:10:00,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, we're leading through a knives out pot, a exactly 1302 01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:03,240 Speaker 2: addicted part and an anxious part, whatever it may be. 1303 01:10:03,400 --> 01:10:07,200 Speaker 1: Think about the activists, they're like fighting, fighting, fighting. Look, 1304 01:10:07,240 --> 01:10:10,400 Speaker 1: that work is incredible, it's life changing, it's necessary. But 1305 01:10:10,479 --> 01:10:14,680 Speaker 1: if we're in that constant place of fighting, that's another protector. 1306 01:10:15,360 --> 01:10:18,840 Speaker 1: So how can you lead and activate from a place 1307 01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:21,759 Speaker 1: of self? How can you come from that? It doesn't 1308 01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:23,600 Speaker 1: mean that you don't get angry, it doesn't mean that 1309 01:10:23,640 --> 01:10:27,559 Speaker 1: you don't have rage. You use it, You infuse the 1310 01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:31,639 Speaker 1: self energy into it. And it's really important right now. 1311 01:10:31,960 --> 01:10:35,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's incredible, Gabby. I can't wait for people to 1312 01:10:35,680 --> 01:10:38,599 Speaker 2: read this book. Everyone. The book is called self help. 1313 01:10:39,080 --> 01:10:40,880 Speaker 2: This is your chance to change your life. Go and 1314 01:10:40,920 --> 01:10:43,479 Speaker 2: grab your copy if you haven't already. I love that 1315 01:10:43,520 --> 01:10:46,280 Speaker 2: this book actually has a practice within it. It's built 1316 01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:49,240 Speaker 2: around the practice, built around the therapy. So it's not 1317 01:10:49,240 --> 01:10:50,760 Speaker 2: a book that you're going to read. It's a book 1318 01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:52,200 Speaker 2: that you're going to live, and it's a book that 1319 01:10:52,240 --> 01:10:54,960 Speaker 2: you're going to practice. And so I highly recommend, if 1320 01:10:54,960 --> 01:10:58,479 Speaker 2: you appreciate our conversation today, that you go grab a copy. Gabby. 1321 01:10:58,640 --> 01:11:00,360 Speaker 2: We end every episode of One Pert Was with a 1322 01:11:00,400 --> 01:11:03,040 Speaker 2: final five, and these questions have to be answered in 1323 01:11:03,080 --> 01:11:06,280 Speaker 2: one word to one sentence maximum. Okay, so I'm going 1324 01:11:06,360 --> 01:11:08,320 Speaker 2: to ask you these final five, Gaby Benstein. These are 1325 01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:10,880 Speaker 2: your final five. Question Number one, what is the best 1326 01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:12,719 Speaker 2: advice you've ever heard or received? 1327 01:11:14,080 --> 01:11:16,320 Speaker 1: Befriend the parts of yourself inside? 1328 01:11:16,240 --> 01:11:19,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, I love I actually loved that advice. It's it's 1329 01:11:19,400 --> 01:11:22,879 Speaker 2: so because as humans were so good at using something 1330 01:11:23,000 --> 01:11:25,760 Speaker 2: fat for when it's useful, and then as soon as 1331 01:11:25,760 --> 01:11:29,040 Speaker 2: it's not useful, we condemn it. So it's like, oh, yeah, 1332 01:11:29,120 --> 01:11:30,760 Speaker 2: I hate this job now, and it's like, well, no, 1333 01:11:30,800 --> 01:11:34,160 Speaker 2: this job paid for the last three years of your family, 1334 01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:37,280 Speaker 2: your life, everything, even if you didn't love it, don't 1335 01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:39,000 Speaker 2: hate on it. But we kind of use it and 1336 01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:41,200 Speaker 2: we hate it. And it's like, oh, I love this partner, 1337 01:11:41,240 --> 01:11:43,280 Speaker 2: and now that things didn't work out, I hate them, 1338 01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:45,360 Speaker 2: and it's like, well no, no, no, Like you learned 1339 01:11:45,400 --> 01:11:48,320 Speaker 2: so much. And we don't only do that with jobs 1340 01:11:48,320 --> 01:11:51,479 Speaker 2: and people, we do that with ourselves. Where hey, there 1341 01:11:51,520 --> 01:11:53,519 Speaker 2: was this part of me that I hate now, and 1342 01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:55,679 Speaker 2: it's like, no, that part of you helped you survive 1343 01:11:55,760 --> 01:11:57,360 Speaker 2: college and kept you alive. 1344 01:11:57,520 --> 01:11:59,680 Speaker 1: And I want to speak to that before we end you. 1345 01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:03,160 Speaker 1: Because when I wrote I wrote this book. The year 1346 01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:04,600 Speaker 1: that I wrote this book, I was a fellow at 1347 01:12:04,640 --> 01:12:07,799 Speaker 1: a recovery center, and every month I would go and teach, 1348 01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:11,120 Speaker 1: and there was about one hundred new folks entering the 1349 01:12:11,160 --> 01:12:15,240 Speaker 1: treatment center each time I'd show up, so they'd BBB one, two, three, 1350 01:12:15,280 --> 01:12:18,920 Speaker 1: four days SOB and I'd walk in the room and 1351 01:12:19,080 --> 01:12:20,920 Speaker 1: I was teaching this. I was practicing what I was 1352 01:12:20,960 --> 01:12:23,200 Speaker 1: writing about. And so I'd look at this group of 1353 01:12:23,240 --> 01:12:25,960 Speaker 1: people who are all literally at witsheman who knows what 1354 01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:28,640 Speaker 1: kind of destruction they just two days into recovery. And 1355 01:12:28,680 --> 01:12:30,920 Speaker 1: I'd say to this group, well, listen, let me ask 1356 01:12:30,960 --> 01:12:33,080 Speaker 1: you how many people in this room have experienced trauma. 1357 01:12:33,439 --> 01:12:37,160 Speaker 1: They all raise their hand, and then I'd say, and 1358 01:12:37,280 --> 01:12:40,439 Speaker 1: wouldn't it make sense that you would do whatever it 1359 01:12:40,520 --> 01:12:43,759 Speaker 1: took to put out the flames of that impermissible fear 1360 01:12:44,080 --> 01:12:48,479 Speaker 1: and experience? And a lot of them would be like, Okay, yeah, yeah, 1361 01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:50,800 Speaker 1: I get that. And then I'd say, well, wouldn't it 1362 01:12:50,840 --> 01:12:54,800 Speaker 1: make sense that the addict had a purpose that it's 1363 01:12:54,840 --> 01:12:58,800 Speaker 1: been working really hard to keep you safe. And I 1364 01:12:58,840 --> 01:13:01,400 Speaker 1: want to really really let people hear that at the 1365 01:13:01,439 --> 01:13:03,360 Speaker 1: parts of yourself that you're the most ashamed of that 1366 01:13:03,439 --> 01:13:06,760 Speaker 1: have caused the most chaos in your life, they've been 1367 01:13:06,800 --> 01:13:08,320 Speaker 1: working really hard to keep you safe. 1368 01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:13,080 Speaker 2: Yeah. It is so so real. And if we were 1369 01:13:13,120 --> 01:13:16,080 Speaker 2: able to get that way, you'd be so much more 1370 01:13:16,120 --> 01:13:19,840 Speaker 2: positive and healthy about what's possible in your life. 1371 01:13:19,600 --> 01:13:22,720 Speaker 1: And able to move forward because you could forgive yourself. 1372 01:13:22,479 --> 01:13:26,439 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, and able to move forward because you take 1373 01:13:26,479 --> 01:13:29,240 Speaker 2: all of that experience and learning and that energy onto 1374 01:13:29,240 --> 01:13:33,040 Speaker 2: the next and you'd be willing to let go as well. Yeah, 1375 01:13:33,080 --> 01:13:35,840 Speaker 2: Like you could easily let go of that part knowing 1376 01:13:35,880 --> 01:13:38,559 Speaker 2: that it's served its purpose, whereas sometimes we probably stay 1377 01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:41,760 Speaker 2: too long in parts that are no longer serving. 1378 01:13:41,520 --> 01:13:42,519 Speaker 1: Us our whole life. 1379 01:13:42,760 --> 01:13:47,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second question, what is the worst advice 1380 01:13:47,360 --> 01:13:48,880 Speaker 2: you've ever heard or received. 1381 01:13:50,920 --> 01:13:52,799 Speaker 1: Stop doing YouTube and start blogging? 1382 01:13:54,160 --> 01:13:55,200 Speaker 2: Does someone say that to you? 1383 01:13:55,520 --> 01:13:57,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, like ten years ago, it's the biggest mistake of 1384 01:13:57,400 --> 01:13:59,599 Speaker 1: my life. I'm rebuilding my YouTube now. 1385 01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,920 Speaker 2: Oh wow, interesting. 1386 01:14:01,960 --> 01:14:04,320 Speaker 1: Sorry that was like career advice. Yeah, no, it's the 1387 01:14:04,439 --> 01:14:06,120 Speaker 1: worst advice in my life. It was like, where's Where's 1388 01:14:06,200 --> 01:14:07,800 Speaker 1: Jay Sheddy? When I needed them? It sounds like the 1389 01:14:07,840 --> 01:14:09,760 Speaker 1: stupidest thing to answer, but it really might have been 1390 01:14:09,920 --> 01:14:12,120 Speaker 1: that wasn't Was that the worst advice of my life? 1391 01:14:12,640 --> 01:14:16,160 Speaker 1: It's I mean, yeah, I think in this moment, it's 1392 01:14:16,200 --> 01:14:17,240 Speaker 1: the thing that's type of mind. 1393 01:14:17,439 --> 01:14:20,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's uh. 1394 01:14:20,280 --> 01:14:23,120 Speaker 1: I mean I think there's to expect something more profound 1395 01:14:23,120 --> 01:14:23,320 Speaker 1: than that. 1396 01:14:23,360 --> 01:14:25,920 Speaker 2: Oh no, no, I love we That's the whole point 1397 01:14:25,920 --> 01:14:28,120 Speaker 2: of the podcast is to be fully authentic. Yeah no, 1398 01:14:28,200 --> 01:14:32,519 Speaker 2: I know I'm reacting because I think what's really interesting 1399 01:14:32,560 --> 01:14:35,440 Speaker 2: is that there's a lot of people who say they're experts, 1400 01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,840 Speaker 2: but really the only people you can trust as experts 1401 01:14:37,880 --> 01:14:39,880 Speaker 2: are the people that are actually doing it. And I 1402 01:14:39,880 --> 01:14:41,840 Speaker 2: feel like there's a lot of bad advice I see 1403 01:14:41,880 --> 01:14:44,639 Speaker 2: all the time, Like there'll be someone on Instagram saying 1404 01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:47,720 Speaker 2: this is what to do on Instagram and someone will 1405 01:14:47,760 --> 01:14:50,240 Speaker 2: show it to me my friend or something saying oh ja, 1406 01:14:50,520 --> 01:14:52,960 Speaker 2: and I'm like, check how many follows that person has, 1407 01:14:53,080 --> 01:14:55,840 Speaker 2: Check what their engagement is like, check how many comments 1408 01:14:55,880 --> 01:14:58,599 Speaker 2: they get. Yeah, don't trust them. Like it's just someone 1409 01:14:58,720 --> 01:15:02,280 Speaker 2: saying something and it sounds really convincing, and it sounds 1410 01:15:02,280 --> 01:15:05,240 Speaker 2: really well put, but they don't have the they don't 1411 01:15:05,280 --> 01:15:06,840 Speaker 2: have the engagement or anything to follow it. 1412 01:15:06,920 --> 01:15:09,439 Speaker 1: Yeah exactly. And the thing I think that that was 1413 01:15:09,479 --> 01:15:11,759 Speaker 1: a bad choice for me because it was bad advice 1414 01:15:11,800 --> 01:15:16,080 Speaker 1: that I took because for me, I'm I'm an orator, 1415 01:15:16,200 --> 01:15:19,320 Speaker 1: I'm a rock and tour. I needed to be storytelling. 1416 01:15:19,400 --> 01:15:19,599 Speaker 2: Yep. 1417 01:15:20,800 --> 01:15:23,680 Speaker 1: On I guess YouTube really being the greatest vote. I'm 1418 01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:27,200 Speaker 1: looking at your YouTube, plaqu right there. So so here 1419 01:15:27,240 --> 01:15:28,720 Speaker 1: I am, I'm rebuilding my YouTube now. 1420 01:15:28,880 --> 01:15:29,080 Speaker 2: Yeah. 1421 01:15:29,120 --> 01:15:31,080 Speaker 1: And then the other thing is is you know, forgive 1422 01:15:31,120 --> 01:15:33,400 Speaker 1: the advice that you took that was wrong and start again. 1423 01:15:33,439 --> 01:15:34,920 Speaker 1: And here I am, I'm like literally like I might 1424 01:15:34,960 --> 01:15:36,840 Speaker 1: as well be like a bro in Bushwick and like 1425 01:15:36,840 --> 01:15:39,920 Speaker 1: a studio apartment like hacking, you know, making my YouTube 1426 01:15:39,960 --> 01:15:42,200 Speaker 1: channel with all the packages. But I'm having fun with 1427 01:15:42,280 --> 01:15:45,519 Speaker 1: it and that you know that creative force it self. 1428 01:15:45,840 --> 01:15:48,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah for sure. Yeah, how do we do that? 1429 01:15:48,520 --> 01:15:51,160 Speaker 2: Like that's let's take that really practical thing, like often 1430 01:15:51,200 --> 01:15:54,600 Speaker 2: we got bad advice, we took a wrong turn, a 1431 01:15:54,680 --> 01:15:59,640 Speaker 2: relationship took us off track. How do you use this 1432 01:15:59,720 --> 01:16:02,280 Speaker 2: to get over that? Because that is like one of 1433 01:16:02,280 --> 01:16:05,680 Speaker 2: those things that could just be a thorn forever that 1434 01:16:05,760 --> 01:16:08,320 Speaker 2: you're just like God, that person I didn't date them 1435 01:16:08,320 --> 01:16:10,000 Speaker 2: for three years. If I didn't take that advice, I 1436 01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:12,160 Speaker 2: wouldn't have wasted those six years of my life blogging 1437 01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:15,120 Speaker 2: whatever it is. How do we apply that to this? 1438 01:16:15,400 --> 01:16:18,439 Speaker 1: Oh my God, I think I'm a master. I should 1439 01:16:18,439 --> 01:16:20,920 Speaker 1: write a book about this. I am a master at 1440 01:16:20,960 --> 01:16:24,519 Speaker 1: self forgiveness. And I think that I have been because 1441 01:16:24,560 --> 01:16:26,799 Speaker 1: it's like a flip that I just switched for myself, 1442 01:16:26,880 --> 01:16:30,759 Speaker 1: particularly in my sobriety, where I had to just just choose. 1443 01:16:31,120 --> 01:16:35,519 Speaker 1: I think that that's a choice you make to carry 1444 01:16:35,560 --> 01:16:38,759 Speaker 1: the burdens of your past or to choose to step 1445 01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:42,479 Speaker 1: into what could be your opportunity in the moment. So 1446 01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:45,800 Speaker 1: someone right now could have a quantum shift right here, 1447 01:16:45,840 --> 01:16:47,760 Speaker 1: right now. We could give them a quantum shift right here, 1448 01:16:47,800 --> 01:16:50,880 Speaker 1: right now if they choose to start to say, I 1449 01:16:50,920 --> 01:16:53,200 Speaker 1: forgive myself. I forgive myself, even if you just fake 1450 01:16:53,240 --> 01:16:55,840 Speaker 1: it till you make it. I forgive myself. Okay. And 1451 01:16:56,000 --> 01:16:57,800 Speaker 1: I like to kind of speak to myself like this, Jay, 1452 01:16:58,160 --> 01:17:01,600 Speaker 1: I'll do something that's kind of wobbly, maybe not the 1453 01:17:01,600 --> 01:17:05,320 Speaker 1: greatest thing I say. I'll talk like this, I'll go Okay, Okay, 1454 01:17:05,479 --> 01:17:08,040 Speaker 1: we did that again. Okay, we did that again? Who 1455 01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:09,439 Speaker 1: do I how do I need to clean it up? 1456 01:17:09,760 --> 01:17:11,559 Speaker 1: What do I need to who do I make amends to? 1457 01:17:12,439 --> 01:17:14,479 Speaker 1: Who do I check? What part do I check in with? 1458 01:17:15,200 --> 01:17:17,599 Speaker 1: And then, very quickly, how do I choose again? 1459 01:17:18,840 --> 01:17:21,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? How do I choose again? That question shifts it 1460 01:17:21,840 --> 01:17:24,880 Speaker 2: completely because it was a choice. You had the power. Yeah, 1461 01:17:24,920 --> 01:17:27,720 Speaker 2: you made a choice, and yeah, I agree. I mean, 1462 01:17:27,800 --> 01:17:30,400 Speaker 2: I've pivoted so many times in my career and my 1463 01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:34,479 Speaker 2: life and so many things, and it's it's only been 1464 01:17:34,520 --> 01:17:39,160 Speaker 2: because I've followed self. Yes, And that's where I know 1465 01:17:39,400 --> 01:17:42,639 Speaker 2: when I'm not living my best life is when I'm 1466 01:17:42,640 --> 01:17:45,559 Speaker 2: not following self totally. And I think the challenge is 1467 01:17:45,600 --> 01:17:50,280 Speaker 2: that self can get very quiet for people. And you 1468 01:17:50,320 --> 01:17:54,040 Speaker 2: talk a lot about trusting yourself ultimately, and it's you 1469 01:17:54,080 --> 01:17:56,080 Speaker 2: can't trust yourself when you can't hear yourself, and you 1470 01:17:56,080 --> 01:17:58,280 Speaker 2: can't hear yourself because you haven't listened to yourself for 1471 01:17:58,320 --> 01:18:01,599 Speaker 2: so long. And this book is helping you get back 1472 01:18:01,640 --> 01:18:04,439 Speaker 2: to that so that you're not making decisions based on 1473 01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:10,599 Speaker 2: rationale or logic or pros and cons lists, but you're 1474 01:18:10,600 --> 01:18:14,120 Speaker 2: actually having clarity from within, which is such a gift, and. 1475 01:18:14,080 --> 01:18:17,120 Speaker 1: If you think about that clarity from within. Okay, So 1476 01:18:17,280 --> 01:18:21,240 Speaker 1: if you're struggling to change a relationship, this will guide 1477 01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:24,320 Speaker 1: you to that clarity. If you are struggling to forgive 1478 01:18:24,320 --> 01:18:27,240 Speaker 1: a past behavior that's been holding you back, this will 1479 01:18:27,240 --> 01:18:29,800 Speaker 1: help you release that behavior and start to connect to 1480 01:18:29,840 --> 01:18:35,920 Speaker 1: that clarity. So that essence of accessing the energy that 1481 01:18:35,960 --> 01:18:40,000 Speaker 1: we need. All anyone listening wants to create in this lifetime. 1482 01:18:40,320 --> 01:18:43,840 Speaker 1: They have visions, they have dreams, they have desires. It's 1483 01:18:43,880 --> 01:18:46,080 Speaker 1: not about how often you say it. It's not about 1484 01:18:46,080 --> 01:18:49,360 Speaker 1: how many vision boards you create. It's not about how 1485 01:18:49,400 --> 01:18:53,920 Speaker 1: many affirmations you say. It's about how you relate to 1486 01:18:53,960 --> 01:18:59,160 Speaker 1: yourself inside, because you're always attracting who you are, you 1487 01:18:59,240 --> 01:19:00,680 Speaker 1: manifest tract you are. 1488 01:19:02,800 --> 01:19:07,000 Speaker 2: Question number three, what are you feeling really clear about 1489 01:19:07,040 --> 01:19:07,479 Speaker 2: right now? 1490 01:19:08,200 --> 01:19:14,520 Speaker 1: Hmm? Very very clear about YouTube. I'm really clear about 1491 01:19:14,840 --> 01:19:18,160 Speaker 1: where I want to put my energy, where I want 1492 01:19:18,200 --> 01:19:21,040 Speaker 1: to focus my energy. 1493 01:19:21,479 --> 01:19:24,479 Speaker 2: What a great place to be. Question number four, what's 1494 01:19:24,520 --> 01:19:27,240 Speaker 2: something you used to value that you no longer value? 1495 01:19:28,000 --> 01:19:31,719 Speaker 1: External validation? I mean I value it, like you said earlier, 1496 01:19:32,080 --> 01:19:34,200 Speaker 1: it's nice, but it was something that was very important 1497 01:19:34,200 --> 01:19:36,599 Speaker 1: for me and I needed it, and I don't feel 1498 01:19:36,600 --> 01:19:37,439 Speaker 1: it that way anymore. 1499 01:19:37,600 --> 01:19:40,439 Speaker 2: Switched. Yeah. Fifth and final question, we asked this every 1500 01:19:40,479 --> 01:19:42,559 Speaker 2: guest who's ever been on the show. If you could 1501 01:19:42,600 --> 01:19:45,360 Speaker 2: create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, 1502 01:19:45,520 --> 01:19:47,439 Speaker 2: what would it be to get to. 1503 01:19:47,360 --> 01:19:50,840 Speaker 1: Know your parts? Yeah, he heal on the inside. I 1504 01:19:50,920 --> 01:19:54,040 Speaker 1: actually do really believe that. I believe that if everyone 1505 01:19:54,120 --> 01:19:55,439 Speaker 1: was doing this type of work, that we would be 1506 01:19:55,560 --> 01:19:56,679 Speaker 1: living in a very different place. 1507 01:19:56,920 --> 01:19:59,479 Speaker 2: Yeah, because we wouldn't Yeah, because we wouldn't be throwing 1508 01:19:59,479 --> 01:20:00,639 Speaker 2: our wounds over the place. 1509 01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:04,240 Speaker 1: We'd be help self help. We'd be helping ourselves. We'd 1510 01:20:04,240 --> 01:20:08,200 Speaker 1: be living accessing more self And what really the only 1511 01:20:08,240 --> 01:20:14,360 Speaker 1: way to change the frequency, or change the trajectory that 1512 01:20:14,400 --> 01:20:19,599 Speaker 1: we're on is to actually, on an individual level, start 1513 01:20:19,600 --> 01:20:22,519 Speaker 1: to heal. And in that inner healing, we start to 1514 01:20:22,600 --> 01:20:25,759 Speaker 1: lead in our own corners with that self led energy. 1515 01:20:26,120 --> 01:20:28,120 Speaker 1: And it's community right now. I mean, this is what 1516 01:20:28,160 --> 01:20:31,880 Speaker 1: I've been channeling in my meditations. It's it's getting inside, 1517 01:20:31,920 --> 01:20:33,920 Speaker 1: doing the inner work, and then bringing that self led 1518 01:20:34,040 --> 01:20:36,720 Speaker 1: energy into your local community and that will have a 1519 01:20:36,800 --> 01:20:37,840 Speaker 1: ripple effect. 1520 01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:41,479 Speaker 2: Everyone in the book, it's called self help. This is 1521 01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:43,800 Speaker 2: your chance to change your life. Gabby Bernstein. Go and 1522 01:20:43,840 --> 01:20:47,439 Speaker 2: follow her on YouTube, on Instagram and TikTok. Subscribe to 1523 01:20:47,439 --> 01:20:49,920 Speaker 2: all of Gabby's channels so that you don't miss out. 1524 01:20:49,960 --> 01:20:51,640 Speaker 2: And please please go and grab a copy of the 1525 01:20:51,640 --> 01:20:55,880 Speaker 2: book to do the work yourself, to save yourself so 1526 01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:59,320 Speaker 2: mu's time, energy, money in the long term for your 1527 01:20:59,320 --> 01:21:03,080 Speaker 2: own good, the good of your family, your partner, whoever 1528 01:21:03,080 --> 01:21:05,200 Speaker 2: else may be in your life, your friends, your community. 1529 01:21:05,960 --> 01:21:07,800 Speaker 2: Thank you again Gabby for coming on the show. It's 1530 01:21:07,840 --> 01:21:10,840 Speaker 2: great to have you back and have this conversation. And 1531 01:21:10,880 --> 01:21:13,080 Speaker 2: thank you. I'm so grateful for your work. I love you, 1532 01:21:13,200 --> 01:21:15,439 Speaker 2: Thank you, I love you too. Thanks Gavy. If this 1533 01:21:15,560 --> 01:21:18,000 Speaker 2: is the year that you're trying to get creative, you're 1534 01:21:18,000 --> 01:21:20,479 Speaker 2: trying to build more, I need you to listen to 1535 01:21:20,520 --> 01:21:23,639 Speaker 2: this episode with Rick Rubin on how to break into 1536 01:21:23,680 --> 01:21:27,720 Speaker 2: your most creative self, how to use unconventional methods that 1537 01:21:27,840 --> 01:21:31,559 Speaker 2: lead to success, and the secret to genuinely loving what 1538 01:21:31,680 --> 01:21:34,160 Speaker 2: you do. If you're trying to find your passion and 1539 01:21:34,200 --> 01:21:37,519 Speaker 2: your lane, Rick Rubin's episode is the one for you. 1540 01:21:37,960 --> 01:21:40,320 Speaker 1: Just because I like it, that doesn't give it any value, 1541 01:21:40,520 --> 01:21:42,920 Speaker 1: Like as an artist, if you like it, that's all 1542 01:21:43,000 --> 01:21:46,639 Speaker 1: of the value. That's the success comes when you say 1543 01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:49,160 Speaker 1: I like this enough for other people to see it.