Speaker 1: Hey, mich Shelbyte, are you an outdoors kind of person?
Speaker 2: There?
Speaker 3: Are you serious? Bitch? Look at my body. It's a
Speaker 3: timp repedic mattress. Okay, this is like a This is
Speaker 3: like a breeding ground for every type of tick and bug.
Speaker 3: I don't go camping. My husband's like, can we eat
Speaker 3: outdoors in the garden patio. I'm like, do you see
Speaker 3: those fucking spiders your ball, bitch? This is like a
Speaker 3: fucking bedroom for them. So no, I haven't been camping. Sorry,
Speaker 3: I'm so aggressive. Okay, I have a lot of feelings
Speaker 3: about it.
Speaker 1: Question asked, question answered.
Speaker 3: Ow, Hey everybody, I'm a Cheve Bottel.
Speaker 4: And I'm Jordan Carlos and welcome to Adulting from w
Speaker 4: NYC Studios, the podcast where we learn how to be
Speaker 4: grown as adults together.
Speaker 3: We recorded this episode at Union Hall with some really
Speaker 3: amazing people like Nori Davis.
Speaker 1: I love that guy. Sarah Shaeffer, she's amazing, Pride.
Speaker 3: Of Virginia, Pride of Virginia. She's so smart, so funny,
Speaker 3: so talented. Do you guys have really great glasses?
Speaker 1: Yes, it's true.
Speaker 4: For respectacled Wonders and Ben Sinclair, the man who was
Speaker 4: there I love this.
Speaker 3: You know, was so funny. He is not high maintenance
Speaker 3: at all.
Speaker 1: No, he's not the lowest.
Speaker 3: He's the lowest mats of it all. He's just like
Speaker 3: a panty dropping beard of.
Speaker 1: Loveliness.
Speaker 4: Well, birds fly out of it, and who knows what
Speaker 4: else Unicorn honey, I mean, it's it's no joke. You
Speaker 4: should not micro does son Vincent Clair, he is the best.
Speaker 3: Yes, get you fill right now. Listen to the episode. Now,
Speaker 3: makes some mother fucking noise. Okay, welcome to adulting on
Speaker 3: the show. If you tell us to Jordan Carlos, thank
Speaker 3: you for coming to our show. Have you been here before?
Speaker 3: Make some noise. It's so dark, makes some noise if
Speaker 3: you haven't been here, even better. So we put the
Speaker 3: show together like a few months ago because we were just
Speaker 3: like sitting around talking about adulting and all the ship
Speaker 3: we had to do in life. I mean, he takes
Speaker 3: care of kids. He's not an he has kids. I
Speaker 3: do have kids, you know, like I'm paying taxes. I
Speaker 3: got titties and two dogs. I got responsibilities to.
Speaker 4: What you said, what you said, Yeah, I actually I do.
Speaker 4: I have major responsibilities. And I did chase my son
Speaker 4: not in these pants, but some ripped jeans yesterday at
Speaker 4: Brooklyn Bowl and I did you know this about bowling alleys?
Speaker 1: They lube them and my son no, I did not know.
Speaker 4: My son ran towards the pins, and uh, why did
Speaker 4: you let him do that?
Speaker 1: Well he's one and a half.
Speaker 4: He's one and a half, and he's like fuck it,
Speaker 4: no consequences, and he just ran towards the pins. And
Speaker 4: I was like like and slipped, hit my head, hit
Speaker 4: my wrist, hit.
Speaker 1: My back, and people were like uk.
Speaker 4: I was like great, you know, like I literally slide
Speaker 4: tackled my child and.
Speaker 3: Were you just like a Jim Carrey movie yesterday?
Speaker 5: Is that?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 6: Man?
Speaker 3: I wish I was there. I love going to the
Speaker 3: Brooklyn Bowl like high and just like looking at parents
Speaker 3: chasing their kids and they have great fried chicken too,
Speaker 3: and it's like like the bullet bowling bulls are gross.
Speaker 3: It's like you're fingering someone else's fucking meal, isn't He's
Speaker 3: out of town, yeah, Kays, he's Dutch, so he's in
Speaker 3: Holland right now with his friends and family, enjoying his birthday.
Speaker 3: But I, you know, I realized like how much I
Speaker 3: miss him, just because like going to bed. I'm like,
Speaker 3: you know, used to like having you know, I like
Speaker 3: to be big spoon. I'm like, what ne and the
Speaker 3: pillow works? And I'm also like, who's going to kill
Speaker 3: the spiders? Like he's like, that's the only reason why
Speaker 3: I'm married. I need someone to kill the spiders. So
Speaker 3: many spiders. And today I found a dead mouse in
Speaker 3: my kitchen.
Speaker 1: I killed a mouse once.
Speaker 3: How you doing it?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 4: So anyway, what you don't think I could kill?
Speaker 1: I could kill.
Speaker 4: I'm a killer. And so there's I don't know why.
Speaker 4: In my apartment, I had this old like I had
Speaker 4: an old phone book, right, and uh there was a
Speaker 4: and so thank you.
Speaker 1: Uh, I like it.
Speaker 4: I'm mianto vintage and so so below my TV there
Speaker 4: was like the credenza, right, and then you got the
Speaker 4: console whatever you call it. And so the I could
Speaker 4: see the console went flush to the floor. Don't laugh
Speaker 4: at my vocabulary. The console went flush.
Speaker 6: But it's like it was, yeah, it was a fundon't
Speaker 6: want console very hard but to go it was no,
Speaker 6: I don't have the money for that.
Speaker 1: But so it went right to the to the floor.
Speaker 4: And then and then this I saw this like mouse
Speaker 4: poke its head out, and then it got like it
Speaker 4: was like in the perfect position that I could just
Speaker 4: I kicked the phone books calm down, and the phone
Speaker 4: book was like it was trapped right in this kind
Speaker 4: of triangular kind of thing between the wall, the console
Speaker 4: and the phone book. And I stayed there for an
Speaker 4: hour and I called my dad and I was like, Dad,
Speaker 4: I have this mouse trapped. And he's like, you know,
Speaker 4: you have to consider what you want to do with that,
Speaker 4: you know, like he's like, do you want to kill
Speaker 4: it or anything like that.
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I think I think.
Speaker 4: He's like, do you think if it came into your
Speaker 4: home and it had the power to do, you know,
Speaker 4: to kill you, do you think it was I was like, yeah,
Speaker 4: I think so. And he's like the notebook, what's happening
Speaker 4: a close relationship with my father?
Speaker 3: Okay, oh my god, that's too much.
Speaker 4: So I I just I went over there and I
Speaker 4: kicked the phone book and I kicked it against the
Speaker 4: wall like until the voice is stopped, and.
Speaker 1: Then I and I and it's.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I'm I'm I have that killer instinct in me,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: If I call my dad and uh and get repped up.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, but it was the most gangster, uniclow
Speaker 3: motherfucker I've ever met.
Speaker 1: I think, thank you, I appreciate that. I appreciate that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that poor mouse. Wow, you really got your rage out.
Speaker 1: Huh. Oh god.
Speaker 3: I think there's also part of adulting too. It's like
Speaker 3: being an adult but understanding when you need help. Yes,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, Like I don't. I don't financially,
Speaker 3: I don't need help. But my mom loves to pay
Speaker 3: for my cell phone bill.
Speaker 1: We've been over this. Really, what did you?
Speaker 3: Three people just cocked that head sideways?
Speaker 1: Excuse me. This lady has her arms cross. It's a
Speaker 1: nice man.
Speaker 4: She is giving you the stank eye, Like how many
Speaker 4: people in the room are still sponsored on their cell
Speaker 4: phone bill?
Speaker 1: It's okay, you can it's dark.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: My people make it.
Speaker 3: Yes we are. We're gonna make it after all. No,
Speaker 3: my mom know what's happening.
Speaker 4: You need to grow the funk up and stop leaching
Speaker 4: your parents.
Speaker 3: I'm not leaching. I send her. I'm not. She She
Speaker 3: thinks she wants to help. She knows that I'm very independent,
Speaker 3: and she wants to like it makes her feel like
Speaker 3: we're closer the family plan.
Speaker 1: That's the family plan.
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't play it.
Speaker 4: The rest of you to get like me and and
Speaker 4: get off your parents' plans. Who has help with rent?
Speaker 4: See so quiet? That's what adulting is all about. We
Speaker 4: we like we we basically yeah, we make the buttholes pucker.
Speaker 7: Are you ready to start?
Speaker 1: There? Shall we? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 3: A writ again? You're ready for the guest, Ready for
Speaker 3: the guests, Ready for the guest.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like I shouldn't do that.
Speaker 3: Our first guy's coming out. I've done him since I
Speaker 3: started comedy. He's so sweet, he's so kind. He just
Speaker 3: did some stand up on Cone and O'Brien. He's got
Speaker 3: a great sense of style and his elbows are not
Speaker 3: actually please baby good, very cut. We got a baby,
Speaker 3: yeah and the cut?
Speaker 4: Congratulations Now having you're specialist on Amazon correct?
Speaker 8: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you guys are doping on Amazon Prime.
Speaker 5: That you guys are and uh yeah, if you don't
Speaker 5: have Prime, just steal somebody in your family past.
Speaker 4: Word probably your parents.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm about that leash in life. I'm with that ship.
Speaker 1: Hell yeah, you need help, man, I still do laundry
Speaker 1: at my mom's house.
Speaker 9: I refuse to pay for laundry. One stuff, I do
Speaker 9: my laundry. I see that's true. Yes, I got it.
Speaker 1: I got I say hi, Hey, how you doing mom?
Speaker 1: You alright? Yeah, I got to put the clothes in
Speaker 1: the wait.
Speaker 3: Does your mom fold your laundry?
Speaker 1: No? No, no, I'm just mean she she does what
Speaker 1: she does. But I do you do my laundry just
Speaker 1: at her house? All I know is that Ken Moore
Speaker 1: better not break down. You'll never see Nori again.
Speaker 3: So many questions. All right, can you describe your childhood
Speaker 3: in sixty seconds?
Speaker 1: My childhood sixty seconds or less?
Speaker 10: Playing basketball? And then did you playing in the hood?
Speaker 10: And then my mother coming and looking for me? Were
Speaker 10: you like that kid in that movie Dope? She's like,
Speaker 10: don't do drugs? Take this way home from school?
Speaker 5: No, she was just like stay inside and I was like, no,
Speaker 5: I want to go outside.
Speaker 1: She's like very like overbearing.
Speaker 3: Did you grow up in an apartment, a condo, house,
Speaker 3: a house.
Speaker 5: Groping house across the tracks so like the projects were
Speaker 5: like across the tracks.
Speaker 1: I was on the other side of the tracks.
Speaker 5: Where like everybody in the hood grandparents lived at It's
Speaker 5: like every like grandparents had like a house, but like
Speaker 5: the mother, the father, they couldn't afford so they had
Speaker 5: like in the lived in the projects and uh you
Speaker 5: know like yeah with crack babies and shit, like I
Speaker 5: grew up with them, like they were all the.
Speaker 1: Bullies and the crack babies with the bullies. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, this kid, this kid Pep, he was he was
Speaker 5: my bully man.
Speaker 1: He terrorized us.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think bullying on the whole. I feel like
Speaker 3: speaking keeping it in the adulting umbrella. Shit, but that
Speaker 3: ship like makes forces you to grow up?
Speaker 4: And what did this this miscreant due to you? Oh?
Speaker 1: Oh man, I can't.
Speaker 5: One time they pulled my pants down front of everybody
Speaker 5: and that and by that time I was like what
Speaker 5: three two.
Speaker 1: Or some ship.
Speaker 3: So your dick wasn't even big, it wasn't and it
Speaker 3: was cold, and you know, I'm doing funny and they
Speaker 3: just have like seven kids and they suck.
Speaker 5: So I'm like so much resentment showment.
Speaker 3: No, no, I'm into it. I'm into it.
Speaker 1: Thank you for thanks for coming, man, of course, thank
Speaker 1: you for having me. I always loved talking about adulting.
Speaker 4: Speaking of adulting, you have a big life moment, Yes,
Speaker 4: a huge milestone.
Speaker 5: Yes, you got he's getting just kidding. No, yeah, I'm engaged.
Speaker 5: Got engaged.
Speaker 4: A.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when did you know she was a she was.
Speaker 3: The person for you?
Speaker 8: Oh?
Speaker 5: Yeah, I knew she was the person for me for like,
Speaker 5: you know, we get into a horrible fight, break out
Speaker 5: and then like when you when you break away, and
Speaker 5: then you just think about that person like yeah, I
Speaker 5: fucked up and she's like, yeah, fucked up. So you
Speaker 5: work out your issues. That's what it is like when
Speaker 5: you're fighting in your thirties. It's like, yeah, we both
Speaker 5: got issues.
Speaker 1: I can unload your issue. He's like you can unload money. Yeah,
Speaker 1: then you find a pure love right there.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: People always say it's how you love, but it's really
Speaker 3: how you fight.
Speaker 1: That's how you fight.
Speaker 5: And man, we love hard, fight hard, but the fights
Speaker 5: we have it's growth.
Speaker 1: It's not like hurting each other. It's growth.
Speaker 5: I'm like, okay, I need to get over my ego
Speaker 5: with that ship or she's like, well I need to
Speaker 5: heal from that.
Speaker 1: So like yeah, it was that.
Speaker 5: That's that's what I always been looking for, man, because
Speaker 5: hip hop don't teach that.
Speaker 1: Hos get holds. It's like, but who knows me?
Speaker 3: Like who's trying to help.
Speaker 1: Me with these daddy issues. So yeah, I was like, yeah, yeah, man,
Speaker 1: how did you ask? Where did you ask? All right?
Speaker 1: So yeah, so I got the.
Speaker 5: I got the ring at Brilliant Earth, which is a
Speaker 5: non conflict lab made diamonds. And then so I know
Speaker 5: how you know, we're I guess I'm an OG millennial,
Speaker 5: right what now OG millennial?
Speaker 11: That's like like what they say is like we're from
Speaker 11: like nineteen nineteen eighty two between two thousand and right,
Speaker 11: So I'm like, I was born nineteen eighty three, So
Speaker 11: I'm like I always say, like.
Speaker 5: The OG millennial, like we went, We've been through everything,
Speaker 5: we learned everything, like see these we got it, mold
Speaker 5: them word, we got it, phone word, raise, the word
Speaker 5: Apple word. They like Instagram word snapchat.
Speaker 1: Now I'm good. I'm too old for that.
Speaker 5: I can't do it.
Speaker 1: They wouldn't do everything. Mom learn how to do Netflix.
Speaker 1: I can't do it. Just the TV. No, my look,
Speaker 1: just a ROCU.
Speaker 5: Just so yeah, well I met, you know, we met
Speaker 5: the d ms dating stuff. So the way I proposed
Speaker 5: was like we.
Speaker 1: Were in the social media world and I proposed on Instagram.
Speaker 5: What I dropped a proposal on Instagram, are you Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, because like you know, we always on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I think so.
Speaker 4: I think it's incredible to ask somebody on Instagram to
Speaker 4: marry you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, because we're both on our phones, Like, we'll have
Speaker 5: a great conversation to bar, then we'll check this gram
Speaker 5: and then we'll talk about some posts and stuff.
Speaker 3: So it was a proposal.
Speaker 5: Yeah, we were together and I posted it while I
Speaker 5: was in the bathroom and went to the bar and
Speaker 5: you can tell me yes and no, or you can
Speaker 5: look it from.
Speaker 1: Your phone and tell me. And she looked it from
Speaker 1: phone and I was on my knee and then book.
Speaker 1: Wow like that, that's beautiful story.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's answer the question relationship.
Speaker 4: We're gonna ask We're gonna answer some question.
Speaker 3: Will you gonna ask?
Speaker 5: Question?
Speaker 1: Is going to answer some of these questions?
Speaker 4: Oh my god, Oh, this is a wash your underwear
Speaker 4: before you wear it, when you first buy it.
Speaker 3: That's an interesting fair enough unless you want to issue plus. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I'm just saying.
Speaker 1: This is something, yes, that makes it.
Speaker 3: Going on your your your most special places.
Speaker 7: Just wash.
Speaker 5: It is hard, Yes, I guess it's different when you
Speaker 5: have like a like a gaping universe.
Speaker 3: Between your legs. You want to protect it.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, y'all got anyes, We got audies. It's just
Speaker 1: like you know, thank you Don.
Speaker 9: Yeah that's true, Don Black doctor, So you know outside?
Speaker 1: What's all right?
Speaker 5: Next question, I haven't been on a date since twenty three?
Speaker 1: How do I jump back in?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 1: So what you need to do is download this ale instantly? Wait,
Speaker 1: I love you guys. Yeah, have you been on the
Speaker 1: day since twenty three? How do I jump back?
Speaker 6: But?
Speaker 3: How old are you now? Are you like forty three?
Speaker 3: Are you like Susan Boyle?
Speaker 1: You don't know? Questions and three? So maybe they're thirty.
Speaker 1: Maybe there's twenty. That's like ten years. It feels like
Speaker 1: that's a ten year question. If somebody's saying, like, I
Speaker 1: haven't been in a date twenty eighth, shit, all right,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you? A person? Is it a man
Speaker 1: or of woman?
Speaker 3: It's a woman.
Speaker 1: It's a woman. It's a woman.
Speaker 3: What do you what say you?
Speaker 1: I would I was going to say, if it's a man,
Speaker 1: get on tender.
Speaker 3: But if it's oh my god, everyone just wants to
Speaker 3: get the way. No, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Why don't we defer to a woman? Here we go
Speaker 1: may I just ask thank you.
Speaker 3: If you are afraid to go out on a date,
Speaker 3: I understand dating for the most part is fucking horrible.
Speaker 3: It is fucking horrible. It is a business interview, and
Speaker 3: you know if you aren't immediately like interested, or there's
Speaker 3: a spark all of a sudden, you a bitch if
Speaker 3: you want to leave early, or don't keep a touch,
Speaker 3: if you play nice, it's just like, why are you
Speaker 3: getting back to me? Because I thought we had a connection,
Speaker 3: do you know what I mean? And sometimes people present
Speaker 3: the person that they think they are want to be,
Speaker 3: but they're not really that person. You know that you
Speaker 3: don't have a lot of alphas or time in your day,
Speaker 3: and you using your good OUTPHA to go out on
Speaker 3: that motherfucking day. You better wear the OLP for the
Speaker 3: next day or take it back to rainbow. All I'm
Speaker 3: saying is.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying, come through.
Speaker 3: Don't be afraid to jump in the water, because even
Speaker 3: if you find scary ship, it makes you like a
Speaker 3: stronger person.
Speaker 9: Sorry Davids, everybody, thank you.
Speaker 7: Welcome back to Adult Times.
Speaker 3: You bring her next cometing to stage.
Speaker 1: She's still wonderful.
Speaker 3: She's writing a book, a memoir, a memoir, memoir, and
Speaker 3: she's fucking funny, and you guys are gonna love her
Speaker 3: the end. Goodbye. Please give it up for shame.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you're doing it.
Speaker 3: You're doing it.
Speaker 1: Look at you.
Speaker 3: You've got a shirt tucked in a tucket. Now I'm
Speaker 3: a mom.
Speaker 2: I'm not a mom, but yeah, in my mind, I'm
Speaker 2: a I'm a gym teacher.
Speaker 1: In your mind, you're a gym teacher.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've graduated to the high waisted pants with the
Speaker 2: tucked in which when I was growing up was the
Speaker 2: gym teacher.
Speaker 1: Man, what was your gym teacher like, Missus Bosars?
Speaker 3: Where did you grow up?
Speaker 2: Mid Lothian, Virginia. It's a suburb of Richmond, Virginia. Was
Speaker 2: very suburban. I was very Christian, Baptist and white.
Speaker 3: No, I had like a I was real wealthy at first.
Speaker 2: And then uh, my dad sat us down and was like, yo,
Speaker 2: I fucked up.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yo wasn't even a word then, but not for us anyway.
Speaker 2: And then it all went away and our whole lives changed.
Speaker 2: That's what my book is about.
Speaker 1: What happened. Read the book.
Speaker 2: No, he it was like financial thing that he did,
Speaker 2: and he came forward, and he made it right, and
Speaker 2: it took a really long time, and our whole lives changed.
Speaker 3: And it's always like such a weird thing when parents
Speaker 3: fuck up.
Speaker 2: Right, Oh yeah, And I think that's true because I
Speaker 2: could tell something was wrong. I totally could, and then
Speaker 2: things were made right and it felt better. And so
Speaker 2: then I was already someone who's obsessed with being moral.
Speaker 2: So after that it was like hardened in me and
Speaker 2: I was like, I.
Speaker 1: Will never break the rules.
Speaker 2: And then years later that blew up in my face
Speaker 2: and became a major problem. But anyway, what do you
Speaker 2: do when someone cuts the line? When someone cuts the line,
Speaker 2: because like a heart attack, like fuller and blown like sweat,
Speaker 2: I like it is and when they're all would.
Speaker 3: Get a pass, but like do like a little look
Speaker 3: back and.
Speaker 2: Be like, no, you're cutting the line. Like my everyone
Speaker 2: around me is like Sarah calm. I'm like, like, if
Speaker 2: I get the wrong food brought to me, I will
Speaker 2: just eat it because I just don't want to be
Speaker 2: a bother because I know it's not the waiter fault.
Speaker 1: Like it goes in a real deep place.
Speaker 2: No, I've heard time standing up for myself because I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm being a bother.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of deepness. I use it. I used
Speaker 3: to be very shy and like couldn't like ask for
Speaker 3: extra ketchup without blushing, van real talk, and I was
Speaker 3: like pretty religious. But then I sat on a dick
Speaker 3: and I was like, yeah, I got up, so ours
Speaker 3: really help you just find? Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah, that definitely is f you know, what do you
Speaker 4: ever like like in a restaurant? I used to do
Speaker 4: that when they'd be like, oh, oh yeah, you want
Speaker 4: to be sat so you're gonna sit in the bathroom
Speaker 4: near the near the fucking you know, like near the dumpster,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 1: And then I would be like, very well, you know,
Speaker 1: like this is what happens when you want to you know, Like,
Speaker 1: but but now.
Speaker 3: Why are you giving people so much power?
Speaker 1: I don't do anymore. It's changed. I've grown up a lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I credit some of this newfound bravery too. I
Speaker 2: just did an eight day whitewater rafting trip in the
Speaker 2: Grand Canyon with my sister and it.
Speaker 3: Truly, what the hell is going on?
Speaker 1: It changed me.
Speaker 3: It was truly I was facing fears.
Speaker 1: What are we talking about? We're talking about like cat five,
Speaker 1: we're talking.
Speaker 3: Well down there they do yes, multiple stand by.
Speaker 1: Multiple cat fives. But now they but in the Grand
Speaker 1: Canyon about ship Okay, in.
Speaker 3: The Grand Canyon they don't do five. They do a
Speaker 3: scale one to ten.
Speaker 1: Of course, so we.
Speaker 3: Do you explain what does this mean?
Speaker 2: It means like rapids the highest would be considered a five,
Speaker 2: or in the Grand Canyon they do ten, so ten
Speaker 2: would be the worst.
Speaker 1: And we did multiple tens.
Speaker 2: I was scared shitless, like I've I jumped off cliffs
Speaker 2: into water someone chasing.
Speaker 3: I never do stuff like this. I was so scared.
Speaker 1: I was like crying and like, did you feel a
Speaker 1: little like Meryl Streep like.
Speaker 3: I was? I was ready to.
Speaker 1: God? Were there times where you don't oh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, on the first big rapid river, daddy, who is what?
Speaker 2: That's what I called our guide? Sure, they were so hot.
Speaker 2: I'm telling you, like they it's part of the job description.
Speaker 2: I think you have to be.
Speaker 3: Do you get your hair wet?
Speaker 11: Oh?
Speaker 1: I mean.
Speaker 2: On the first big rapp and he goes, if it
Speaker 2: feels like you're underwater, it's because you are.
Speaker 1: And I was like.
Speaker 2: It was really scary, but it was really incredible, Like
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 3: I think it's nice to challenge. It's good to challenge yourself,
Speaker 3: is it?
Speaker 1: I did? I did, like like.
Speaker 3: Miniature rock climbing.
Speaker 2: They were making fun of me because I was like,
Speaker 2: this is so fucked up and they were like, you're
Speaker 2: two feet up.
Speaker 1: It's like, why would you make me do this?
Speaker 2: You're not gonna follow, You're literally not gonna hurt yourself.
Speaker 3: I don't like seek adventure like I don't usually because
Speaker 3: I feel like it's being adventurous for me is like
Speaker 3: walking into a room and being like, Hi, I'm a
Speaker 3: woman with opinions. Yeah, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 3: that is hard. This is a different and I was having.
Speaker 2: All these like on the on the bus ride there,
Speaker 2: there was a video and it was it was about
Speaker 2: the history of the Grand Canyon and stuff and the
Speaker 2: woman on a woman on there goes the Grand the Canyon,
Speaker 2: the canyon, the canyon will will take you apart and
Speaker 2: put you back together again.
Speaker 1: And that's truly what it did. It did it.
Speaker 2: I'm like, on the first day it gets around that
Speaker 2: I'm a comedian and as you know, if you're if
Speaker 2: you're a comedian in a group of like just non comedians,
Speaker 2: civilian's stressful. Don't like it it gets around that I'm
Speaker 2: a comedian. I'm literally in the boat, like I should
Speaker 2: be funnier than I am. I'm not funny anymore. Another
Speaker 2: comedian would be like making everyone laugh on the boat.
Speaker 2: I'm like literally having a breakdown about.
Speaker 1: In the boat. No one knows. I'm in my head.
Speaker 2: These canyon, these rocks are older than the fucking universe,
Speaker 2: and I'm nothing, you know, like and by the end
Speaker 2: I was put back together again, and I just, man,
Speaker 2: that's so crazy.
Speaker 3: To kick somebody in the face.
Speaker 1: Don't fuck with me, No, I won't. I've never been
Speaker 1: I've never been on the was it the Colorado? Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you.
Speaker 4: I've never been on the Colorado as a child, I
Speaker 4: would We went down now to the Rio grand and
Speaker 4: uh are you there? Yes, yes, I'm from Texas, Like
Speaker 4: I would go camping out there.
Speaker 1: This is a very dangerous place to camping, camping, you know,
Speaker 1: like I was in the camping you never I would
Speaker 1: love to.
Speaker 3: I've been to camping and is having sushi on the subway.
Speaker 2: I don't recommend going on a trip like this as
Speaker 2: your first example, only because there was a family on
Speaker 2: the trip where the husband clearly had not fully explained it.
Speaker 3: To his wife what they were doing and the whole trip.
Speaker 1: She was just like this.
Speaker 2: There was literally a moment We're in a slot canyon river.
Speaker 2: Daddy is playing the guitar, singing. It's the most beautiful,
Speaker 2: magical thing I've ever seen. The husband is like this,
Speaker 2: and if you pan the camera over like did away,
Speaker 2: the wife is like that.
Speaker 1: She was so fucking mad.
Speaker 3: No, I don't like it.
Speaker 1: I don't part.
Speaker 12: Okay, Sarah Scher, welcome back to assaultape.
Speaker 3: That's groovy.
Speaker 1: All right, let's a question.
Speaker 3: It's some question. Guys having fun.
Speaker 1: This is hilarious.
Speaker 3: That's so nice.
Speaker 1: These are the most basic questions.
Speaker 3: What is that question?
Speaker 1: How do you stop watching Netflix?
Speaker 3: How does stop how does the sto Okay, all right,
Speaker 3: Cardi B.
Speaker 4: We got it.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna it's the same.
Speaker 3: No, that's a dumb question that doesn't answer.
Speaker 1: You know what, you know what you can do.
Speaker 4: There's a there's an app called Hiatus that's that like
Speaker 4: tells you.
Speaker 3: Oh, you're really answering this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm gonna for people. For the people that tells
Speaker 4: you how much you spend every month, like you know
Speaker 4: what whatever? For Netflix, for Hulu, bla la, and you
Speaker 4: can also just have hiatus shut down.
Speaker 3: I'm all asleep. Can I get to the next question?
Speaker 3: So boring? It's so boring. No one's gonna grow so boring.
Speaker 1: No one's gonna so boring.
Speaker 3: It's so boring. If you're watching that much Netflix, it's
Speaker 3: long about so boring, sobering. Go ahead, doesn't eat me out?
Speaker 1: What your best friend? Your best friend doesn't eat you out?
Speaker 1: This is bullshit. My best friend eats me out. All
Speaker 1: that and.
Speaker 3: Look, I'm no doctor Oz. You ain't gonna be wet forever.
Speaker 3: Move on.
Speaker 1: Come on.
Speaker 3: You can't have the six without the nine. Last question.
Speaker 1: Last question.
Speaker 4: Advice for maintaining adult friendships. Advice for maintaining adult friendships.
Speaker 3: I have a lot, I have.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 3: Sorry, sir, he.
Speaker 1: Said, don't fuck don't fuck like it seems like you're
Speaker 1: you're speaking from experience. Is that don't fuck it up?
Speaker 3: Don't fuck a person? What do you what?
Speaker 1: Period? Don't fuck period? That's what you're saying, don't fuck you?
Speaker 2: Wow?
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't know what he's saying.
Speaker 1: He's saying not to fuck your friend.
Speaker 4: I think he's saying, don't fuck your friend, Sir, I
Speaker 4: know in your head you're like, this is gonna be good,
Speaker 4: and now.
Speaker 1: You see that it's not. It's not easy, and that's.
Speaker 3: It's not okay, it's not easy.
Speaker 1: That's okay.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Chris, Steve Jim, thank you.
Speaker 1: His name is Will. Okay, stop it.
Speaker 3: Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming to the show.
Speaker 3: I will say this. Getting back to the question maintaining adults,
Speaker 3: did I probably.
Speaker 1: How do you maintain adult friendships without?
Speaker 8: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I mean it, you know, it's it's it's it's not
Speaker 3: hard work. You know, you check in with people just
Speaker 3: to see how they're doing. So many people you know
Speaker 3: will just be like, I have so much to do
Speaker 3: in a day, and you forget to ask somebody how
Speaker 3: they're doing. And I think that's just so important. And
Speaker 3: if you're going to somebody's house for like dinner or something,
Speaker 3: you bring something, okay, And if you don't bring something,
Speaker 3: you help clean something like. That's how that goes.
Speaker 1: That's how I have apologize to you over and over again.
Speaker 1: I don't know that was one time.
Speaker 3: Alright. So excited to bring our next guest out. He's
Speaker 3: just lovely and amazing and just so talented and so
Speaker 3: nice and I don't know if you all have HBO,
Speaker 3: but he's got a show on HBO. H out please
Speaker 3: give it up for bensing class.
Speaker 1: That's plucked that up. We fucked that up.
Speaker 3: He fucked that up, tango, i'mari fucking up.
Speaker 1: Well, don't fuck good night. That's the end of us show.
Speaker 1: I was gonna save that for a button, but.
Speaker 3: That was perfect.
Speaker 1: That's great to give you.
Speaker 3: Which How do you maintain an adult relationship or friendship?
Speaker 8: Oh my god, Well, you know, I like to talk
Speaker 8: on the phone. I'm a phone talker. I did texting
Speaker 8: for a couple of years. It's fine, but I find
Speaker 8: that when you just make a phone call, you just
Speaker 8: get the information quicker and and then I like, you know,
Speaker 8: you spend half an hour on the phone, and then
Speaker 8: you don't have to spend like forty five minutes on
Speaker 8: the subway each way to have coffee with them. It
Speaker 8: just you know what I mean, It's just like it
Speaker 8: just makes more sense to talk in the phone.
Speaker 1: Maintaining adult friendships.
Speaker 8: I'm a workaholic kind of, so like I just if
Speaker 8: I want to be friends with somebody, I hire them
Speaker 8: on the show and then.
Speaker 1: And then we become friends. So yeah, that's a good
Speaker 1: way to do it.
Speaker 8: But also I have like two or three guys from
Speaker 8: college that we were like a little click and.
Speaker 3: Did you guys have a band?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah we did well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I smell a band.
Speaker 1: Yeah. It was it was like kind of tongue in
Speaker 1: cheap pop music.
Speaker 3: Actually, yeah, you could have been a hit in Sweden.
Speaker 8: Yeah, exactly, it would have been a hit in Sweden.
Speaker 8: It was like very like enunciated lyrics. Oh yeah, it was.
Speaker 8: It wasn't cool at all. You were called the Guilty Pleasures.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, wait wait lyrics.
Speaker 3: Do you remember any of the lyrics?
Speaker 8: Yeah, there's a bear in the theater, so hide all
Speaker 8: your snacks.
Speaker 1: I can't even sing that there is a bear in
Speaker 1: the theater.
Speaker 8: Yeah yeah, that's my best friend.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's great. Oh my god.
Speaker 8: There's a bunch more please please, uh fuck this ship.
Speaker 8: I'm piecing out, I'm leaving the planet. I'm bouncing this spot.
Speaker 8: That's when Stanza so angry. Yeah. Things that Scare Me
Speaker 8: that was just there was also a song called Things
Speaker 8: that Scare Me and it was like something about it
Speaker 8: was just about bees and sharks and stuff. Yeah, but
Speaker 8: when they combo up that's even worse. These with sharks
Speaker 8: in their mouths. Oh that's interesting, dude. We all thought
Speaker 8: it was the other way.
Speaker 1: But my mind is blow. Where did you go to school?
Speaker 1: Was it?
Speaker 8: I went to I grew up in Arizona, actually, but
Speaker 8: I only went to the Grand Canyon. Like after I
Speaker 8: went to college. My parents never took me there. They
Speaker 8: were it was fucked up.
Speaker 1: Why they didn't They didn't believe it was there. They
Speaker 1: just joking. I don't know. I don't know why they didn't.
Speaker 1: They were tired. I was the fourth one.
Speaker 11: Uh.
Speaker 8: But and then I went to Oberlin College for college.
Speaker 3: Can I ask you about like the first time you
Speaker 3: have silks?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah you can't.
Speaker 3: Was there pressure to lose your virginity like in American
Speaker 3: pie or was it just like I'm going to go
Speaker 3: to the Grand Canyon? He inspired?
Speaker 8: So my first time was in at this summer camp
Speaker 8: that I eventually got married at.
Speaker 13: Uh.
Speaker 8: But I lost my virginity in this bathroom on a
Speaker 8: mattress with.
Speaker 1: Followers.
Speaker 8: Yeah camps. Yeah yeah, we just brought it two mattresses.
Speaker 8: There were other counselors in the other room. It was
Speaker 8: for a Jewish youth group events uh.
Speaker 1: We were in Malibu. And this is the funny part.
Speaker 8: I got chlamydia from it.
Speaker 1: I got.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh my god, yeah yeah. That was
Speaker 8: the only STD I've had too HP people. All I
Speaker 8: ever got at camp was a tick on balls.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and this is why I don't camp.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, but continue, How did you know?
Speaker 3: Sorry?
Speaker 1: How did I know? I got a rash? I'm not
Speaker 1: one of the lucky ones.
Speaker 8: It's a silent killer chlamydia, you know, because a lot
Speaker 8: of people don't show symptoms, but I do.
Speaker 1: And it was cool. It was cool. It was cool.
Speaker 1: I mean, I knew it while I.
Speaker 8: Was having like this is a good story, Like this
Speaker 8: is gonna it's gonna pay off, like in twenty five
Speaker 8: years or whatever.
Speaker 1: It's pain.
Speaker 4: Yeah, in a basement in Brooklyn, behind a picture of
Speaker 4: oh my Ted Cruise's grandma.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be great. Yeah yeah. Slow burn, so slow burn.
Speaker 3: Oh my god. I can't, I cannot, I cannot.
Speaker 1: Do you want?
Speaker 8: Another funny part of that virginity loss was I I
Speaker 8: was singing take on Me by Aha for what at
Speaker 8: least part of it. I was singing the song take
Speaker 8: on Me while I was trying not to ejaculate into.
Speaker 3: Did you like throw yourself into the wall to try
Speaker 3: and get out of a cartoon afterwards?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 8: Yeah, I know, And that looked like the Footloos stance,
Speaker 8: remember when he's in the warehouse and footbast.
Speaker 1: How old are you? I'm thirty four.
Speaker 3: Okay, what is the most adult thing that you've done
Speaker 3: in your twenties?
Speaker 1: I got married in my twenties. That was pretty big. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do you have kids? No? Okay, do you want kids?
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about babies a lot. I think.
Speaker 8: Having a child is taking a gamble on the future,
Speaker 8: that the future is going to be better than the present.
Speaker 8: I feel like you're really being like, hey, this, you're
Speaker 8: going to inherit this, and I just don't. I don't
Speaker 8: think what is to inherit is. No, I don't think
Speaker 8: what's coming is that awesome, I guess, is what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So I don't think that's a minority opinion.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, so I think about it like that. But listen,
Speaker 8: I would like to be a part of a tribe,
Speaker 8: and I would like to be able to chill at
Speaker 8: home and feel completely okay with just being with my people.
Speaker 8: That sounds great, and that sense of belonging, I think
Speaker 8: is the real thing I'm attracted to.
Speaker 4: I thought you were dad because you have if it's
Speaker 4: not to offend you, but you have a dad vibe, like.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have a dad body.
Speaker 4: I didn't say that vibe.
Speaker 3: I think what you're picking up is he's calm.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're calling.
Speaker 8: Well, I make sure I'm speaking from my chest when.
Speaker 1: I when I'm ever talking.
Speaker 8: To somebody gets it gets out and noidal like it
Speaker 8: gets me like, hey, like really quick.
Speaker 1: So I got to bring it back. I got to
Speaker 1: pull it back.
Speaker 3: Have you ever made a decision where were just like
Speaker 3: this is fucking scary. I don't know how I'm going
Speaker 3: to like get through this.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm always making those decisions that cares.
Speaker 3: Yeah right, No, that's a great attitude to have about stuff,
Speaker 3: because yeah, it's just a thing. I mean it's that
Speaker 3: and drink water and touch your toes. That's what I
Speaker 3: tell myself. What people not just kidding, but like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it's it's a thing. Not to worry. No, I mean
Speaker 3: I'm worrying about not worrying enough.
Speaker 8: You just you just most like everything is an illusion basically, Yeah,
Speaker 8: just it doesn't really matter, Like not Eve, it really matters.
Speaker 8: You just have to your body has to work, and
Speaker 8: you have to breathe in and out and just take
Speaker 8: care of your own self before you start telling.
Speaker 1: Other people what to do. That's been like the big
Speaker 1: thing for me.
Speaker 8: So yeah, I make I have this ritual of making
Speaker 8: nut milk every morning, like I soak.
Speaker 3: That sounds so suggestive, yea, And it looks so suggestive too.
Speaker 8: I would like soak all men overnight and then I
Speaker 8: like blend them up and then I just put them
Speaker 8: through this nut bag and I and I like squeeze
Speaker 8: all the milk out into a bowl and it's like
Speaker 8: going over my knuckles, all this white milk and it's.
Speaker 1: Like it's it's like, so it's so awesome. And then I, oh,
Speaker 1: my God, brought you that porn hub.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 8: It's so delicious too. Oh yeah, yeah, it's really good. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Who doesn't like nut milk? Person in the morning. You
Speaker 3: got to start your day somehow.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Okay, we're gonna take some questions from the audience. You
Speaker 3: pick one, you pick, you pick pick.
Speaker 8: How do I motivate a twelve year old girl to
Speaker 8: interact with life outside of her phone?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, an adult question.
Speaker 3: It is so adult.
Speaker 1: I think you take the phone, take the few, and.
Speaker 4: You smack with you and you throw it into the room.
Speaker 1: That's what you gotta do. You gotta take the power
Speaker 1: away from children.
Speaker 4: I always do this one thing where I'm always like,
Speaker 4: we're not going to be friends right now, Like I'll
Speaker 4: just tell it.
Speaker 8: What Yeah, that's actually you shun you, you like temporarily
Speaker 8: shun people traumatizing.
Speaker 4: First of all, everybody down, all right, everybody gave me
Speaker 4: here's here's here's the deal.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 4: Kids, I've noticed and adults are adults more likely are
Speaker 4: paralyzed in their fear that the child is going to
Speaker 4: hate them, right, But children are very they recover very quickly.
Speaker 1: So it's like mostly you think they don't. But there
Speaker 1: is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe me.
Speaker 1: Hold out. I'm forty. My child just got here. They're
Speaker 1: like five years old. That whatever tantrum they throw, I
Speaker 1: can fucking take it, you know. Ship.
Speaker 3: I feel like it's one of the most gangster PTA meetings.
Speaker 6: Yeah, but but sometimes.
Speaker 3: Can we bring the emmy out?
Speaker 1: Can we bring that? Can we bring it?
Speaker 3: What's the next question? Good job?
Speaker 1: Jordan y'all. I'm just gonna have a bunch of kids
Speaker 1: that are like fucking dominating you.
Speaker 3: But how do.
Speaker 1: You pass a drug test for an adult job? I'm
Speaker 1: really the wrong person.
Speaker 8: I'm like, it couldn't be more wrong to answer that
Speaker 8: they have tea at GNC.
Speaker 3: You just make a tea a gallon and then you
Speaker 3: piss a lot and then you can pass your test.
Speaker 1: What job are you doing?
Speaker 3: I also don't take that job. Just be like, I
Speaker 3: ate a lot of poppy seed bagels.
Speaker 8: How often should I actually be changing my sheets?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Okay, actually changing? Yeah? Actually you lie and they're
Speaker 1: like they're changed. It's underline too. I don't know.
Speaker 3: I think I do think cleanliness is like also an
Speaker 3: adulting situation. Every week, I say, every week and have
Speaker 3: more than one pair of sheets.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this morning shower, evening shower.
Speaker 3: I take showers three times a day.
Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah.
Speaker 3: Every time I take a ship, well, I wake up,
Speaker 3: take and if I take a ship, I got.
Speaker 1: What happened to you? What's going on? I am?
Speaker 3: Okay? Love me?
Speaker 4: Wow?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm really fucking my skin up though. My skin
Speaker 3: is so dry. I might have to get like a
Speaker 3: Japanese toilet robe a day.
Speaker 1: But I do.
Speaker 4: I do like once a day, but if in the
Speaker 4: morning or in the morning. But if if it's rocky
Speaker 4: road back there, then I.
Speaker 13: Definitely, well, man, listen, wow, man, if it's a Colorado River.
Speaker 1: Pocket canyon, then you got to canyon.
Speaker 8: Well you know, she said it, Sarah, You're supposed to shower,
Speaker 8: we get a bed, that's the truth.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then you can never wash your sheets.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I cannot. I can't. I cannot not take
Speaker 3: a shower before Ben, Like.
Speaker 8: I do you have sex? Be after the shower, before
Speaker 8: the shower? Yeah, Oh that's all over the place. I
Speaker 8: don't know, So I don't have like a schedule for sex.
Speaker 8: It's sort of just like like if you're like, all right,
Speaker 8: we like we have sex now, I'm going to take
Speaker 8: a shower and go to bed. Yeah definitely. You gotta
Speaker 8: take a dick shower at least.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 8: Well, you know, I'm kind of like the truth is
Speaker 8: the truth is I'm kind of gross.
Speaker 1: I'm kind of a slovenly person.
Speaker 14: I really, you know, come on, this was such a
Speaker 14: fun show, Sarah so amazing.
Speaker 3: And Ben next level and Jordan's the best next time
Speaker 3: though I have a mouse. I'm definitely calling your dad
Speaker 3: for help because you're useless.
Speaker 1: No, I'm good.
Speaker 3: Give him the credits.
Speaker 4: Adulting was produced by Blakeney Shick and O'delia Rubin. The
Speaker 4: Adulting team includes Joanna Salataroff, Paula Schumann, Joe plored At Haber,
Speaker 4: and Irene Trudell. Julia Boterra edited this episode. The live
Speaker 4: show is produced by Christian Banda.
Speaker 3: Our theme music is by Isaac Jones with additional music
Speaker 3: by Don Will.
Speaker 1: Did you like this episode? Please rate us?
Speaker 6: Do it?
Speaker 1: Please?
Speaker 3: Please?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: Please play French for please and write a review.
Speaker 9: Who doesn't write a review review us be brutal.
Speaker 4: You can subscribe to Adulting wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 4: So don't miss our next.
Speaker 3: Episode and remember, guys, and next time you can invite
Speaker 3: to someone's else, here's a tip. Ask them if you
Speaker 3: should take your shoes off, okay, And if you're gonna
Speaker 3: take your shoes off, make sure your feet ain't funky.
Speaker 3: No body wanna smell your feet