Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda Land Audio
Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. So tell me about
Speaker 1: what the labor experience was like as a virgin, Like,
Speaker 1: does your O B say that it's like drastically different
Speaker 1: because your vagina hasn't like she was, like listen, a
Speaker 1: penis and a baby are not even close to the
Speaker 1: same size, so she's like year five. Mentally, I had
Speaker 1: a little bit of you know, thought around that, like yeah,
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to like tear from here to
Speaker 1: Timbuck two as well, you know, welcome back to Katie's Crib.
Speaker 1: I have someone here today that I've met before, no before.
Speaker 1: We have so many people in common. Our Dulah, Rebecca
Speaker 1: ben A Nati or my Dula who was on episode two,
Speaker 1: season one of Katie's Crib. Dr Berlin, who is an
Speaker 1: incredible pregnant Cairo practor Mssus Extraordinaire, and also Duela himself.
Speaker 1: We have lots of people in common. Um, we are
Speaker 1: talking about one of the coolest things I've ever heard
Speaker 1: about today, We're talking about embryo adoption. And then I
Speaker 1: have here in parentheses, forty year old virgin. I just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Let's just tell you how fabulous Lynnette
Speaker 1: Weaver is who is our guest today. She's an HR
Speaker 1: professional who previously served as a birth doula and childbirth
Speaker 1: educator for over ten years. Desiring to be a mother
Speaker 1: from the time she was very young and finding herself
Speaker 1: approaching forty and still single, she chose to pursue motherhood
Speaker 1: on her own through the process of embryo adoption. She
Speaker 1: currently resides in Los Angeles with her three year old son, Miles.
Speaker 1: I love that name, Lynette. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: coming on Katie's crib. I have so many girlfriends turning
Speaker 1: for you this year, and I am also turning for
Speaker 1: you this year. And we have a lot of conversations
Speaker 1: about freezing. What am I doing this on my own?
Speaker 1: What's my deal? What do I want? What does my
Speaker 1: future look like? And I want to be a mom?
Speaker 1: These are big conversations being had. So I'm thrilled to
Speaker 1: do an episode about this. Tell our viewers, listeners, listeners,
Speaker 1: how we know each other, where we met, etcetera. Yes, well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for chatting with me and having
Speaker 1: me here. Um, so we met through childbirth education. So
Speaker 1: Rebecca ben Nati or dula Um is also a friend
Speaker 1: of mine, and she sent you to the childbirth class
Speaker 1: that I was teaching with Talia, who also has been
Speaker 1: a guest on your show a couple of times. The
Speaker 1: best we all did to Talian more episodes. She's up.
Speaker 1: She specializes in child nutrition and so she was big
Speaker 1: on the solid foods episode. And also she was my
Speaker 1: big hell and saving angel for postpartum depression and anxiety,
Speaker 1: which she also struggled with. But she taught my child
Speaker 1: with class at Beanie Birth when we could do those
Speaker 1: things pre COVID with Albie. When you go to that
Speaker 1: class and you learn how to like do a diaper
Speaker 1: or a swaddle or whatever. Lynnette is also there and
Speaker 1: was it. Were you a teacher there too? I was yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: So Talia and I talked, Yeah, you team taught, that's right.
Speaker 1: And I have photos from that class, like I was
Speaker 1: in that class. Audiley Cabral was on that cast. Who's
Speaker 1: been on this podcast? Oh my god, this is crazy.
Speaker 1: It's all coming back to me now. That was that
Speaker 1: wasn't the before times? And you were so much fun
Speaker 1: in there? Well that's probably my husband. I was probably
Speaker 1: very pregnant, and my husband was probably using the whole
Speaker 1: experience as some sort of theatrical event like he does. Um,
Speaker 1: so you taught that class, and you've always wanted to
Speaker 1: be a mom, like from the time you were little. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I of about eighteen cousins and my sister and I are,
Speaker 1: you know, the oldest, and so every year it was
Speaker 1: like a new baby being born, and every time the
Speaker 1: family got together, that was the thing that I wanted
Speaker 1: to do, was take care of the new baby. So
Speaker 1: I just have always been very nurturing and motherly and
Speaker 1: have wanted to be a mom since I can remember. Wow,
Speaker 1: how did you get into the dulah biz? So I
Speaker 1: got to be present when my niece was born and
Speaker 1: she is fourteen now, and I though it's so crazy,
Speaker 1: but I got to witness her birth and it was
Speaker 1: like the most amazing thing I had ever seen and
Speaker 1: I couldn't get over just the experience of it. And
Speaker 1: my mom is not a Dulah, but she is very
Speaker 1: nurturing and kind of played the role of what a
Speaker 1: Dulah would do. And I thought, Wow, that's something that
Speaker 1: is really cool that everybody needs, Like everyone needs someone
Speaker 1: to be able to, you know, walk them through the
Speaker 1: process and be that physical comfort and emotional support and
Speaker 1: all of that. I didn't even know a duel existed
Speaker 1: at that time. And then I had a good friend
Speaker 1: who was pregnant really shortly after that, and I couldn't
Speaker 1: stop talking about birth apparently, and she was like, do
Speaker 1: you want to come when I have the baby? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, So I just kind of stepped into that.
Speaker 1: How amazing you weren't terrified. You didn't see the vagina
Speaker 1: and opening up in the whole thing, and you were like,
Speaker 1: oh my god. I mean before I did it myself,
Speaker 1: I was so scared and scarred from whatever horrifying video
Speaker 1: they used to show in the nineties of like that
Speaker 1: super hairy bush. Excuse me, that isn't like this science
Speaker 1: class of biology when you're thirteen and the show was
Speaker 1: seventies birth and it seems did they I feel like
Speaker 1: they show us that to like practice abstinence. My births
Speaker 1: were so much better than that birth. Yeah, totally. So
Speaker 1: you saw a vaginal birth through your niece's birth and
Speaker 1: you were completely inspired, blown away, not scared at all. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean some of the medical stuff took a little
Speaker 1: time to get used to, but it really was. I
Speaker 1: was so laser focused on the mom, on the laboring
Speaker 1: person that I was like, Wow, she needs somebody focused
Speaker 1: on her and the support and having someone just really
Speaker 1: be able to bring down the anxiety level in the room.
Speaker 1: After learning that, um, that that can affect the birth process,
Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, that's something that I know how
Speaker 1: to do. I feel like I can affect change in
Speaker 1: the room by just you know, being present and being knowledgeable,
Speaker 1: being calm and being comforting. That's so great, My god.
Speaker 1: Anyone who had you as a duela was very, very lucky.
Speaker 1: It's the most rewarding work. It is such a sacred
Speaker 1: space to be allowed into. Um. I mean the rewards
Speaker 1: were so great. Just sometimes I felt like I did
Speaker 1: nothing other than being present and being calm, and they
Speaker 1: were like, oh, I couldn't do that without you here,
Speaker 1: and I thought, I'm not doing anything. But it is amazing,
Speaker 1: it's beautiful. I'm I'm always inspired by the strength of
Speaker 1: the woman and what she can do and what she
Speaker 1: can experience, and UM, it really really has been an
Speaker 1: honor every single time. It's it's such an honor. When
Speaker 1: did it start to occur to you like, h, I've
Speaker 1: always wanted to be a mom. I've been super present
Speaker 1: for a lot of women's birds, and it's not lining
Speaker 1: up that my story might look like the societal norms
Speaker 1: of how this would happen. When did it start to
Speaker 1: dawn on you, like I might have to take a
Speaker 1: different route. Yeah. So I have always had kind of
Speaker 1: a heart for adoption in itself, and so there was
Speaker 1: a time about I don't know, thirteen ish years ago
Speaker 1: that I considered adopting in in one way or another,
Speaker 1: and I actually went through the certification through the foster
Speaker 1: care system to do foster to adopt. And then it
Speaker 1: was like, you know, back in two thousand eight or
Speaker 1: nine or something, when the economy took a dive and
Speaker 1: I ended up getting laid off of my teaching job
Speaker 1: right when I got my certification, So timing wasn't right there.
Speaker 1: But then over the next ten years, every couple of years,
Speaker 1: I would be like, is the timing right for this?
Speaker 1: And then I have a friend who had done um
Speaker 1: in vitro. She and her husband had you know, trouble
Speaker 1: conceiving and found themselves in a situation where they had
Speaker 1: completed their family but they had some remaining embryos, and
Speaker 1: so they were exploring all of their options, like what
Speaker 1: do we do at this point we have these embryos,
Speaker 1: And they came across an organization that works with families
Speaker 1: like that that places embryos for adoption. And when she
Speaker 1: heard about that, she immediately told me and was like,
Speaker 1: this is like the best of both worlds for you. Wow.
Speaker 1: It's like you're adopting and you get to be pregnant,
Speaker 1: which is something that's very interesting. That was something you
Speaker 1: really wanted to experience yourself personally. Yes, So it was
Speaker 1: one of those moments of like, oh my gosh, this
Speaker 1: is the thing for me. It didn't even really take
Speaker 1: me that long to think about it. When I heard
Speaker 1: of this being an option. I always kind of joked
Speaker 1: with some of my girlfriends like, hey, if I'm thirty three,
Speaker 1: I don't know why thirty three, but that was a
Speaker 1: number I threw out and I'm still sayingle I'm just gonna,
Speaker 1: you know, do artificial insemination and have a baby. But
Speaker 1: it was always kind of a joke. And then all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, I was thirty three and I was like,
Speaker 1: m was I joking? Like is that something I would consider.
Speaker 1: And then as I was thirty seven thirty eight and
Speaker 1: then I learned about this, I was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: mean I've always kind of been preparing for this, and
Speaker 1: this is a really viable option I can also, you know,
Speaker 1: the adoption part was important to me because there's a
Speaker 1: there's a need in that there are a lot of
Speaker 1: families who are are looking for the us um you know,
Speaker 1: to be able to give the embryos a chance at life.
Speaker 1: And then also for me, it was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: can start caring for the child from the womb and
Speaker 1: you know, experience pregnancy and childbirth and all of them.
Speaker 1: Was it ever a hiccup like oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: going to do this by myself, Like I'm going to
Speaker 1: be single and do this or is this something that
Speaker 1: you were what you know what I mean, what what
Speaker 1: thoughts about that we're going on in your head? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I mean I knew it was going to be something
Speaker 1: that would be hard, But to be honest and working
Speaker 1: with so many families and parents, it's like parenthood is
Speaker 1: hard regardless, Like it's a whole different set of of circumstances,
Speaker 1: but it's still freaking hard. You know what, I don't have.
Speaker 1: And what I knew going in is that I didn't
Speaker 1: have the trauma or the challenges that are often associated
Speaker 1: with the a single mom, like the circumstances that led
Speaker 1: to them. It's like there may have been a you know,
Speaker 1: a broken relationship or like a death or something that
Speaker 1: led to your circumstances of being a single mom. No,
Speaker 1: there wasn't like darkness there or heavy stuff. It's like
Speaker 1: it's like a different way in. What I like about
Speaker 1: your story is that it's like you heard of this
Speaker 1: thing called embryo adoption, and it's almost like you knew
Speaker 1: in your gut that that's what you were looking for.
Speaker 1: Why that per se than say IBF. You know, I
Speaker 1: hadn't really gotten to the point where I had thought
Speaker 1: about doing IVF on my own. I really thought, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm a single woman, there are kids out there, adoption
Speaker 1: is a need, and that's just kind of the path
Speaker 1: that I had always explored. I've always been open, but
Speaker 1: I really hadn't thoroughly considered that yet. And then when
Speaker 1: this became an option, of course, then it it opened
Speaker 1: my perspective was a little bit more to even all
Speaker 1: of the different options that were out there, but I
Speaker 1: really felt in my gut that to be able to
Speaker 1: meet another family's need in the process was an important
Speaker 1: part of it for me. Yes, especially because you had
Speaker 1: been so into adoption, that was like a real yeah.
Speaker 1: And I've seen so you know, my I have a
Speaker 1: couple of nephews that have been adopted, and I have
Speaker 1: you know, my sister in law was adopted, and I've
Speaker 1: seen I've seen it go very well and have a
Speaker 1: positive impact, and so adoption was just something that was
Speaker 1: on my radar for a long time. Now take me
Speaker 1: through the embryo adoption process. So there's so many different
Speaker 1: ways that you can do this UM and so many
Speaker 1: different agencies, but I went through one called UM Snowflakes.
Speaker 1: They are traditional adoption agencies, so they do all different
Speaker 1: kinds of adoptions, but then their embryo adoption department is
Speaker 1: called Snowflakes, and so UM it's very similar to a
Speaker 1: traditional adoption. The difference is that by law, embryos are
Speaker 1: not considered life, and so it is governed by property law,
Speaker 1: so it's it's actually a transfer of property at the
Speaker 1: end of it. But going through this organization, it made
Speaker 1: it to where the other family the placing family got
Speaker 1: to be involved, They got to select and decide that
Speaker 1: I was, you know, somebody that they wanted to choose
Speaker 1: to adopt their embryos um. And then it's they really
Speaker 1: encourage some sort of openness, whether that's just email communication
Speaker 1: once a year through the agency and not having direct communication,
Speaker 1: to having you know, meetings and getting together and things
Speaker 1: like that. So similar to the adoption process, you can
Speaker 1: choose how open or closed it is, but this place
Speaker 1: encourages some sort of contact, whether even if it's through
Speaker 1: the agency itself. Yes, yes, because you can do an
Speaker 1: anonymous donor a lot of clinics you can get an
Speaker 1: anonymously donated embryo, and that's a thing too, and so
Speaker 1: that is another path to this, you know, motherhood on
Speaker 1: your own um. But for me, it was really appealing
Speaker 1: to have that open communication and go kind of the
Speaker 1: adoption route. So the process, how does it work? Like
Speaker 1: you're ovulating, You go in and they just is it
Speaker 1: just like the old school I'm like the old school
Speaker 1: turkey based. No, it's not that no, because it's already embryo,
Speaker 1: so it's not like turkey basting sperm up there while
Speaker 1: you're ovulating. It's like we take a fully put together
Speaker 1: sperm and egg embryo in a petri dish that's already
Speaker 1: gone through all the genetic testing. It's already gone through
Speaker 1: all that stuff, and then what happens. So it's like
Speaker 1: the last step of IVF, it's called At this point,
Speaker 1: they're obviously frozen, so it's a frozen embryo transfer. So
Speaker 1: you do have to do you know, the hormones and
Speaker 1: the medication leading up to the transfer day, just as
Speaker 1: if it were my owning, if I had done IVF
Speaker 1: on my own, lots of medicine, ultrasounds once a week,
Speaker 1: and then they determine when like the lining of your
Speaker 1: uterus is prime exactly, it's nice and thick and sticking
Speaker 1: exactly perfect, and then they can transfer one or however
Speaker 1: many embryos you decide that you're going to transfer at
Speaker 1: a time. Does some people choose more than one? They do,
Speaker 1: So there's a lot of factors, and you work with
Speaker 1: your fertility specialists to determine success rates and percentages and
Speaker 1: all of that. And I had a doctor who I loved,
Speaker 1: and he was very comfortable with doing a single embryo transfer.
Speaker 1: Some will recommend doing two um for based on age
Speaker 1: and a lot of factors UM. But I really wanted
Speaker 1: to reduce the risk of multiples as much as I could,
Speaker 1: because you always you could always transfer and then it
Speaker 1: can split. Still that's how you get identical twins. So
Speaker 1: there's always a risk of multiples. But I was like,
Speaker 1: let's let's let's reduce that. The first time I went
Speaker 1: through the whole process and I had a negative pregnancy test,
Speaker 1: so then I had to wait and start again. How
Speaker 1: did you feel, you know? I mean, of course I
Speaker 1: was upset, but I knew it wasn't the end for me.
Speaker 1: It's also expensive, no, like it is is where does
Speaker 1: embryo adoption lie cost wise to what I mean? I
Speaker 1: think egg freezing is like anywhere from ten to twenty
Speaker 1: somewhere in there. I feel like I v F is like,
Speaker 1: I have no idea. I could be a ballparking this.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to remember. Where's embryo adoption? So the
Speaker 1: the agency fees, like the whole process of adoption through
Speaker 1: the agency was eight thousand, and then you pay for
Speaker 1: an embryo transfer and you pay for all the medications
Speaker 1: and all that. So I would say it's approximately like
Speaker 1: six to seven thousand for a transfer like fifteen Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: so you're like, in this similar a little bit similar.
Speaker 1: But what's crazy is that we've done adoption episodes of
Speaker 1: this podcast. On the Rhymes Producers podcast, she adopted two kids.
Speaker 1: Adopting is expensive too. I mean that is very expensive,
Speaker 1: like the lawyer fees and the paperwork it's and the
Speaker 1: I mean it's very expensive, which sucks it. Okay, so
Speaker 1: the first one doesn't take it's you were like, I
Speaker 1: am not giving up. Yeah, So I was, I mean
Speaker 1: obviously upset, and honestly, I was really surprised because in
Speaker 1: my mind, I mean, you you know that this is
Speaker 1: a risk, but in my mind it was like it
Speaker 1: was always gonna work on the first try, and so
Speaker 1: it I did have a little bit of a curveball
Speaker 1: on the day of the transfer. So originally I got
Speaker 1: matched with a family that had two embryos so I
Speaker 1: got these two embryos um. One was a little better
Speaker 1: quality than the other one. So the day I arrived,
Speaker 1: they were going to transfer the one that was better quality. Well,
Speaker 1: they thought it out and it didn't survive. So then
Speaker 1: they're like, but we thought the other one and it's
Speaker 1: doing fine and it wasn't as high quality. So all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, I went in one moment from like,
Speaker 1: oh I have two good chances to okay, one chance
Speaker 1: already gone. Second chance is high. So I did have
Speaker 1: that you know, reality check in that moment. So I
Speaker 1: was surprised, but I knew it could be a possibility,
Speaker 1: but it took me like a day. I always give
Speaker 1: myself like I can have a day to just be
Speaker 1: really upset and then get back your feel the way
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, okay, so what do we do next?
Speaker 1: So then I had to go back into the matching
Speaker 1: face get matched with another family. They had a little
Speaker 1: bit of a problem this time because there were a
Speaker 1: lot of families that they want to try to match
Speaker 1: you with a reasonable number of embryos. So if you're saying,
Speaker 1: like I want to have one or two kids, they
Speaker 1: don't want to match you as someone who has embryos.
Speaker 1: But they were everybody wanted to have one or two kids,
Speaker 1: so they they're like, would you be willing to take
Speaker 1: on nine? And what you do is you agree to
Speaker 1: adopt the whole batch, and then once you have as
Speaker 1: many children as you desire, then you agree to return
Speaker 1: the remaining embryos. So basically you're being matched up to
Speaker 1: a family, but you have to take the whole kitten caboodle.
Speaker 1: Yes cool. Yeah, and I'm sure there are other agencies
Speaker 1: that do it differently, but through this one. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: then the second time, I adopted nine embryos and then
Speaker 1: I transferred one. And then that is when I got
Speaker 1: pregnant with our mild with Miles. So I would say
Speaker 1: like five days probably after transfer, I had this wave
Speaker 1: of nausea and I was like, it's on. You're like,
Speaker 1: I feel like this might be what everyone's talking about. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how was the pregnancy for you? So my pregnancy was
Speaker 1: very interesting. So I had you know, I was a duelah.
Speaker 1: I had all these visions of on one hand, all
Speaker 1: these visions of what I wanted it to look like,
Speaker 1: and on the other hand, I know how flexible you
Speaker 1: have to be and how you have to hold everything
Speaker 1: with like open hands because it's unpredictable. And so I
Speaker 1: experienced something that none of my clients have ever experienced.
Speaker 1: And at fourteen weeks into my pregnancy, I started having sciatica,
Speaker 1: which sciatica is pretty common in pregnancy, but mine was
Speaker 1: too early for what it usually is, and so later on,
Speaker 1: as the pregnancy went on, it got worse and worse,
Speaker 1: and I tried every intervention, but by the time I
Speaker 1: was eight months pregnant, I could not walk. So I
Speaker 1: was in like severe pain for my almost my entire pregnancy,
Speaker 1: and then also I was diagnosed swift gestational diabetes. I'm
Speaker 1: only quiet because I'm just covered for those listening and
Speaker 1: just covering my mouth, and my eyes are bulging into
Speaker 1: my head, and I'm just like one of my dear,
Speaker 1: dear friends just had the end of her pregnancy, which
Speaker 1: I can't even believe. You started having sciatica pain in
Speaker 1: fourteen weeks. But the end of my friend's pregnancy just now.
Speaker 1: The last month. The baby was resting on her sciatica
Speaker 1: and she couldn't walk and she has a top. I
Speaker 1: was like, what the actual funck is going on? Like
Speaker 1: how can this be happening? She gave birth and now
Speaker 1: she's fine, she's like walking around, right, It's like, what
Speaker 1: the fucking house? So by month eight, you've lost your
Speaker 1: you cannot walk, it so painful, and you can't take
Speaker 1: like pain killers or anything. I mean, you're pregnant. No,
Speaker 1: but so, I mean I was desperate. My Obie was
Speaker 1: the sweetest and she was trying everything. She sent me
Speaker 1: to acupuncture and I saw Dr Berlin, and I tried
Speaker 1: um physical therapy, on land, physical therapy, and water. I
Speaker 1: actually got an at the dural injection in my spine.
Speaker 1: Um did not help. Nothing helped. Everything just continued to
Speaker 1: get worse. And so, I mean, it was just it
Speaker 1: was awful, NTT. I'm so sorry. And gestational diabetes you
Speaker 1: can't even fucking eat donuts and ship No, I was
Speaker 1: like the only thing that's making me feel better every
Speaker 1: once in a a while, you know, I spread. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean the gestational diabetes wasn't going because I had to
Speaker 1: stick my finger four times a day and be on
Speaker 1: a very strict diet. But I will say there were
Speaker 1: no side effects. It was controlled just by diet. That
Speaker 1: was fine. That left when the baby was born. Two
Speaker 1: weeks after he was born, I had an m r
Speaker 1: I and they showed that I had a very large
Speaker 1: herniated disk that was completely compressing and displacing my sciatic nerve.
Speaker 1: So when Miles was five weeks old, I had back surgery.
Speaker 1: So so five weeks old, you had back surgery. Were
Speaker 1: you breastfeeding? So okay, so you're you're getting all the
Speaker 1: fun facts all out. This is how you know that
Speaker 1: you are a fula embryo adoption, paid to be pregnant,
Speaker 1: paid to be a single mom, chose this four year
Speaker 1: old virgin, which I have to get into that too.
Speaker 1: Wait really really virgin? Is that like out there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and we can talk about that night. Great, So sciatica
Speaker 1: doesn't go away, you have to have sciatica gets worse
Speaker 1: because you had a bold switch. By the way, they
Speaker 1: can't give you an m r I when you're pregnant,
Speaker 1: so no one knew what the fun was going on. Yeah. So,
Speaker 1: like you were saying with your friend, usually after the
Speaker 1: baby is born, it goes away. And so I was
Speaker 1: kind of not by my obi, she was wonderful, but
Speaker 1: by like pain management specialists, even someone who came to
Speaker 1: see me in the hospital afterwards. They were like, oh,
Speaker 1: just give it six weeks and you'll be fine, and
Speaker 1: especially with the birth, like of course it changed my
Speaker 1: whole birth plan. I had an epidural like the moment
Speaker 1: I went into labor because so I could get out
Speaker 1: of back pain. Because I couldn't stand up, so that
Speaker 1: looked very different. But you know, I had a pain
Speaker 1: management specialists say oh, just wait, and I was like no,
Speaker 1: so my Obi sent me two weeks later. So to
Speaker 1: get back to your breastfeeding question, Yes, I began breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: but I had, of course all the issues. So my
Speaker 1: son had a tongue tie, he wasn't latching. I had
Speaker 1: the worst nipple infection my Obi has ever seen, don't
Speaker 1: even know. And on top of it, I had a
Speaker 1: clog duct. I had a clog duct with mass titis
Speaker 1: and and a duct that was so clogged that it
Speaker 1: was like the size of a golf ball. That then
Speaker 1: got as they first thought it was a staff infection,
Speaker 1: it was a strep infection that had to be cut
Speaker 1: open and drained because it was awful. And meanwhile, I
Speaker 1: can't walk and I'm waiting for back surgery. So did
Speaker 1: we just wean and forget breastfeeding? Because because of that infection,
Speaker 1: I threw it off the limbow bye bye. Also, how
Speaker 1: would you even had you back, like like having major
Speaker 1: fucking back surgery and then contorting yourself into every weird
Speaker 1: position you do to breastfeed? Forget it? I mean all
Speaker 1: the doctors were like, please take this off the list.
Speaker 1: Take this off the list? Yeah, and are you a who?
Speaker 1: Who is your Like? What did your support system look like?
Speaker 1: You give birth? Your single mom? You can't walk. The
Speaker 1: back pain is not getting better. Now we have mastitis.
Speaker 1: We have the worst nipple infection your obi has ever seen.
Speaker 1: And now your mastitis golf ball clog has gotten fucked
Speaker 1: up into an abscess that now needs to be cut
Speaker 1: and drained. Great, and we're scheduling back surgery. Yes, I
Speaker 1: literally thought I was dying. Were you like done with this?
Speaker 1: Did you hate your baby? Were you like, no, this
Speaker 1: was still I'm still okay, I'm still this is still
Speaker 1: worth it. Were you in like any sort of serotonin bubble?
Speaker 1: I mean, it's kind of a blur at this point,
Speaker 1: but I had no ill feelings towards the baby, Like
Speaker 1: I knew this is not his fault. We were doing
Speaker 1: awesome as far as that. I I knew I was
Speaker 1: going to need support. All moms do, whether you're single
Speaker 1: or not. I have an amazing village of people, and
Speaker 1: I you know, I've always been the person that is
Speaker 1: helping everyone else, And so I got to exercise the Okay,
Speaker 1: I need to say yes, I need help. I mean
Speaker 1: I was, I felt like I was dying and because
Speaker 1: of the infection, I'm like, I can't function. So when
Speaker 1: I was eight months pregnant and could no longer walk,
Speaker 1: my sweet dad who has retired. My mom still working,
Speaker 1: but my dad's retired, so he basically moved in with
Speaker 1: me for the last month of my pregnancy. How special?
Speaker 1: What special time? Like if there's any silver lining, you know,
Speaker 1: like God. And then there was probably a three week
Speaker 1: period of time where every single night an additional person,
Speaker 1: whether it was a friend, a couple of nights it
Speaker 1: was a postpartum doulah, but I had a third person
Speaker 1: spend the night and do the night shift with the
Speaker 1: baby because I was dying ing, I was, you know,
Speaker 1: fighting this infection. Also, like for people listening, mass titis
Speaker 1: makes you feel like a horrible flu. So imagine a
Speaker 1: horrible flu feeling with a very infected boob, a very
Speaker 1: infected nipple, of very fucked up back, and you're not
Speaker 1: sleeping because you have a new born right and speaking
Speaker 1: of sleep, I couldn't. I couldn't no longer because the
Speaker 1: back was so bad. I could no longer laid down,
Speaker 1: so I could only sleep Basically during the day, I
Speaker 1: sat up on my bed like criss cross style, and
Speaker 1: I would prop pillows up around me basically like I
Speaker 1: was on an airplane to sleep because I could not
Speaker 1: lay down. The pain, the nerve pain was so bad
Speaker 1: and it was pinching the nerve so much in that
Speaker 1: position that I couldn't lay down, So it was it
Speaker 1: was torture. I've truly in every episode we've ever done
Speaker 1: and every pregnant moment I've ever spoken to, I have
Speaker 1: truly never heard of a postpartum experience. This fucked up
Speaker 1: in my life. And I love you, and I'm sorry
Speaker 1: to give you that award, but the award goes to you.
Speaker 1: This is you deserve all the medals. We have so
Speaker 1: many things. How was labor? So I loved my labor.
Speaker 1: This is the first time in months that I was
Speaker 1: out of pain because I got the epidural. It took
Speaker 1: the back pain away. I still, you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have chosen that necessarily to be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: my my water broke, so I know I'm in labor.
Speaker 1: Oh And that was a fun That was a fun
Speaker 1: time too. Um. I had it in my mind because
Speaker 1: I was in so much pain that I was like
Speaker 1: thirty seven weeks. My doula brain was like, I just
Speaker 1: need to make it to thirty seven weeks because that's
Speaker 1: when baby is no issues with the baby, and so
Speaker 1: I just had in my mind that I was gonna
Speaker 1: be induced or go into labor or whatever it was
Speaker 1: when I was thirty seven weeks. So at my thirty
Speaker 1: seven week appointment, I went to my OBI appointment and
Speaker 1: was like, let's do it. And she's like, I cannot
Speaker 1: induce you until your thirty nine weeks unless there is
Speaker 1: a medical reason to induce, and I'm like okay. So
Speaker 1: she kept me that day, ran all these tests, she
Speaker 1: did like a really long and st to try to
Speaker 1: find a medical reason to induce, and there was nothing.
Speaker 1: So I left and I was so mad. Did you
Speaker 1: know at this point that something was like horribly wrong
Speaker 1: with your back, like like this is abnormal? Like you
Speaker 1: were like, this isn't the sciatica I've seen in doulah clients,
Speaker 1: Like this is not? Like yes, yes, And that's because
Speaker 1: you know, Miles was like the size of a blueberry
Speaker 1: when the back pain started, so it certainly was not him,
Speaker 1: which is usually the cause of pregnancy related So going
Speaker 1: back to that day, I went home upset and went
Speaker 1: to bed that night and my water broke that night.
Speaker 1: Why how do you think that happened? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean God, an act of God. I mean really,
Speaker 1: that's like fate. That's like your mind over matter, like
Speaker 1: you just chose. I remember the same thing happened with
Speaker 1: Vera like Adam had been. My husband was so busy
Speaker 1: with pretzels and all this kind of stuff, and literally
Speaker 1: the friday where of his like paternity leave starting where
Speaker 1: he was like, you cannot go into labor until this Friday,
Speaker 1: Like I have too much with work, I'm on set,
Speaker 1: I'm on this adding And he pulled in at six
Speaker 1: pm on that Friday, and I went to the bathroom
Speaker 1: and my mucus plug came out and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is like very mental, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like he was like I relaxed and like released, and
Speaker 1: then the next day I was four centimeters dilated and
Speaker 1: there you have it. But um, wow, So tell me
Speaker 1: about what the labor experience was like as a virgin,
Speaker 1: Like does your O B say that it's like drastically
Speaker 1: different because your vagina hasn't Like she was like listen,
Speaker 1: a penis and a baby are not even close to
Speaker 1: the same size. She's like year five, So there wasn't
Speaker 1: really a concern there at all. I mean mentally, I
Speaker 1: had a little bit of you know, thought around that, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to like tear from here to
Speaker 1: timbuck two as well, you know. Um, but I also
Speaker 1: have seen very large babies be born with no tears whatsoever.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I feel like there's no rhyme or reason.
Speaker 1: It's like I've I've had friends with teeny teeny babies tear,
Speaker 1: I've had friends with big babies not tear. I've had
Speaker 1: everything in between. Like it just sort of feels like
Speaker 1: a circumstances of the moment, Like I don't know, but okay,
Speaker 1: so did you tear? I did. I had a small tear.
Speaker 1: It wasn't crazy, but I did too. And I've had
Speaker 1: lots of sex. No, I mean, I'm like, it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter huge petises. Oh my god, this podcast is getting crazy.
Speaker 1: Um No, but but honest, so you're obi literally noticed
Speaker 1: like no difference between a virgin giving birth and like
Speaker 1: a yeah, like when I told her was like in
Speaker 1: our first meeting when she was like, huh, She's like,
Speaker 1: that's interesting. I don't think I've ever delivered a virgin.
Speaker 1: And then after she thought about it for a minute,
Speaker 1: she was like, Oh, it's not going to be that
Speaker 1: big of a deal. This is one of the coolest
Speaker 1: things I've ever heard. I mean, it's like Mary Magdalen
Speaker 1: or no, not Mary, Who am I talking about? No,
Speaker 1: it's like the virgin Mary, Mary, Mary, the Mary. Guys.
Speaker 1: You can tell how not how I don't know much
Speaker 1: about this. Okay, in a different universe, you would have
Speaker 1: loved to have no epidural duel. Uh? Oh you? Oh god, No,
Speaker 1: I'm very open. I was very open, very open, I
Speaker 1: will tell you because of the virgin thing, I thought
Speaker 1: more about the delivery without the epidural, because in my
Speaker 1: mind it was a bigger deal than it was. But
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, I did want to experience some
Speaker 1: of labor, and I wanted to be able to make
Speaker 1: the decision in the moment and how I was feeling
Speaker 1: and how I was coping and how long it was
Speaker 1: going and and not have that be totally kind of
Speaker 1: taken away from me. And I was I so welcome
Speaker 1: to the epidur. I was like, give me that as
Speaker 1: soon as you possibly can, because I can't stand the
Speaker 1: back pain. And when you think about all the things
Speaker 1: that help you cope with labor, being an upright positions movement,
Speaker 1: moving around, I couldn't do anything right. None of that
Speaker 1: was a possibility anyway. Yeah, um on Dr Berlin, who
Speaker 1: we both used, and you must have used him a lot,
Speaker 1: because Dr Berlin is a chiropractic mussouss doula in l
Speaker 1: A who works on pregnant women and is awesome on
Speaker 1: his Informed Pregnancy podcast. You mentioned before giving birth that
Speaker 1: you were thinking about how maybe one or two people
Speaker 1: in the room who was in the room with you
Speaker 1: when you gave birth? So I had a doulah um,
Speaker 1: and then my mom and then my two best friends.
Speaker 1: So I love it. How special was it? Long short
Speaker 1: you weren't in pain when you met Miles? Was it
Speaker 1: so miraculous to have been through so many other people's
Speaker 1: births and then to be through your own. It was
Speaker 1: a little bit surreal and a little bit like I'd
Speaker 1: been there before, Like every I knew what to expect.
Speaker 1: I it was just as I had imagined you know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've been at I can't I don't even
Speaker 1: know how many births at that point that I have
Speaker 1: had witnessed, and so it felt very familiar. I was
Speaker 1: completely calm. I had not an ounce of anxiety through
Speaker 1: any part of it. Oh, I love the NTY. That's
Speaker 1: so magical, that's so wonderful. It was magical is the
Speaker 1: right word for it. I mean I had music playing,
Speaker 1: I had at least two people massaging me at all times.
Speaker 1: I had beautiful smells in the room. I had um.
Speaker 1: You know, I was out of pain for the first
Speaker 1: time in months. If I could do it differently, I
Speaker 1: would also probably have my sister there. I just didn't know.
Speaker 1: I didn't know how it was going to feel, and
Speaker 1: I didn't know what what it was going to be like.
Speaker 1: And if you know, a lot of times I have
Speaker 1: witnessed too many people in the room and that bringing
Speaker 1: in a layer of anxiety that the birthing woman doesn't need. Um,
Speaker 1: I didn't even notice. It was because the people that
Speaker 1: I had in the room were loving, supportive, calm, nurturing.
Speaker 1: If there were a couple more of them, it wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been that big of a deal, you know, but
Speaker 1: from my knowledge of my education and and it would
Speaker 1: be a very different story. I imagine if I did
Speaker 1: not have an epidural, I would probably want much fewer
Speaker 1: bodies in the room. Miles is three years old. Now, congratulations.
Speaker 1: Have you been open with Miles yet about embryo adoption
Speaker 1: and his birth story so far? Yeah? I have. And
Speaker 1: some of the research um that the agency shares with
Speaker 1: you is that the more open you are and the
Speaker 1: younger better. Yeah, so that you're not like sitting them
Speaker 1: down when they're nine or fourteen or eighteen and like
Speaker 1: there's this surprise element or this thing that you've kept
Speaker 1: from them. No, it's just part of his story from
Speaker 1: from since he can ever remember, right, So how do
Speaker 1: you say it to him now? So I'm going by
Speaker 1: his developmental level. And so I have two nephews that
Speaker 1: were adopted, and so it's just it's just the their story.
Speaker 1: It's just some people come into the world like this,
Speaker 1: and some people come into the world like that. We
Speaker 1: have a really cute book um called Families, Families, Families.
Speaker 1: And because because I'm a single mom, you know, his
Speaker 1: family looks different than others already. And so I mean,
Speaker 1: he I am shocked at how early I had to
Speaker 1: have some of these conversations, at how young he was
Speaker 1: when he was like, so I don't have a dad,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, you don't have a dad, but
Speaker 1: you have a mom, and you have a nana and
Speaker 1: a papa, and you have aunts and uncles and cousins,
Speaker 1: and this is what our family looks like. So this
Speaker 1: family's book is super cute. It's very like it's animal pictures,
Speaker 1: but it's like some families have lots of siblings and
Speaker 1: there's like lots of little ducks lined up, and some
Speaker 1: families have one mom and no dad. And he's always like,
Speaker 1: like me, like my family, um, and then he'll say
Speaker 1: and some families have two moms and no dad. You know,
Speaker 1: because it kind of goes through each of the different
Speaker 1: you know, options of what families look like, and at
Speaker 1: the end it comes together with if you love each other,
Speaker 1: then that's what makes a family. Families, families, families ordering
Speaker 1: it to day. So there's that. So we've talked about
Speaker 1: that on the like I don't have a dad aspect um.
Speaker 1: And then when it comes to embryo adoption, so we
Speaker 1: have a book, I can't think of what it's called
Speaker 1: but it's you know, it's like a level one all
Speaker 1: about my body type of book, and it talks about
Speaker 1: you know, some some kids are born this way and
Speaker 1: some kids are adopted. And so we've talked about the
Speaker 1: term adopted as well, because you know, there's a picture
Speaker 1: that's like there's a sperm and there's an egg and
Speaker 1: they come together and they make an embryo. And I'm like, embryo,
Speaker 1: you were a snowflake embryo when I got you. And
Speaker 1: so he'll say I was adopted into your tummy and
Speaker 1: I grew in your tummy, Like that's his that's his level.
Speaker 1: So incredible, Like science is so incredible. And the fact that, yeah,
Speaker 1: because I do have a lot of friends too that
Speaker 1: have frozen eggs, use them or not use them, and
Speaker 1: have been like, what am I supposed to do with
Speaker 1: these things? Like pay to have them frozen for all time?
Speaker 1: Or mm hmm. It's very wild, wild wild times. Okay, Honestly, again,
Speaker 1: you get all the awards as the craziest postpartum and
Speaker 1: and pregnancy. I mean that is that is one hell
Speaker 1: of an uphill climb, and now you get to be
Speaker 1: a single mom two miles in a global pandemic? How
Speaker 1: is motherhood going for you? Lynnette? So I knew choosing
Speaker 1: to be a single mom was going to be hard,
Speaker 1: but honestly, there are things. There are things that are
Speaker 1: harder than I thought they would be. And that's all
Speaker 1: that medical crap and all the things that I did
Speaker 1: not expect medically because there were you know, a couple
Speaker 1: other things that happened too. And then it's easier in
Speaker 1: some ways than I thought, and um, you know, being
Speaker 1: part of a mommy and me group and hearing all
Speaker 1: the challenges that people are facing. To be honest, the
Speaker 1: first you know, a few months, I was like, I
Speaker 1: am so relieved that I'm not for strated by you know,
Speaker 1: unmet expectations of a partner who's sleeping next to me
Speaker 1: when I'm awake, um in the night, or because so
Speaker 1: many people's mommy and me complaints a lot of marital
Speaker 1: or partners right, and you're just like, nope, I'm just
Speaker 1: gone and that's its own hell in a handbag. But
Speaker 1: it's different, right, right, And you know what, I get
Speaker 1: to make all the parenting decisions, which sometimes I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'd be nice to have somebody else's input here, But
Speaker 1: for the most part, it's like I get to decide
Speaker 1: and I don't. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks
Speaker 1: about you know, how he handled discipline or solid food
Speaker 1: or you know, any of it. And so some of
Speaker 1: that I've been a little, you know, pleasantly surprised that
Speaker 1: I don't have to deal with that. And you know what,
Speaker 1: my son when he goes to bed at night, I
Speaker 1: don't have to give my attention to anyone else. I
Speaker 1: can watch whatever I can get on my treadmill, and
Speaker 1: I can exercise while he's sleeping, and I don't have
Speaker 1: to think about food for anyone else. I don't have
Speaker 1: I mean, of course I would love to be married,
Speaker 1: and I know there are benefits, but it's like what
Speaker 1: I've learned is that the grass is always greener on
Speaker 1: the other side, like that there are great things about both,
Speaker 1: and there are really hard things about both. And this
Speaker 1: is you and myles family right now, Like this is so,
Speaker 1: and who knows what the future holds. Who knows if
Speaker 1: you will have a life partner at some point, or
Speaker 1: if you may have another baby and do this again.
Speaker 1: Is there a chance that this sciaticas situation could happen again.
Speaker 1: If you're right again, I mean, there there is a chance,
Speaker 1: but it's very unlikely because it's like that doesn't usually
Speaker 1: happen in pregnancy. What probably happened I was a gymnast
Speaker 1: growing up. It's probably like an old injury. And then
Speaker 1: right around fourteen weeks is when that relax in kicks
Speaker 1: in and everything kind of relaxes. It probably was like
Speaker 1: getting ready to happen. Anyway, um, it exacerbated something I
Speaker 1: kind of similar thing I was grew up on the
Speaker 1: ski team, Like, so I've taken a lot of falls
Speaker 1: on my coxic bone, and with my pregnancies, like my
Speaker 1: it becomes like I can't sit without a doughnut as
Speaker 1: of like weak. Early, like all of a sudden, my
Speaker 1: my coxic bone gets really fucked up. And at first
Speaker 1: I was like I actually had Dr Berlin like kind
Speaker 1: of checking because I was like, I've heard these horror
Speaker 1: stories of your coxic bone healing incorrectly from when you're young,
Speaker 1: and then it won't get out of the way so
Speaker 1: it breaks during labor, and I was like terrified that
Speaker 1: was gonna happen to me, and it didn't, but it's
Speaker 1: very tender and bruised the entire time and then it
Speaker 1: just stops, which is nothing compared to what you've gone through. UM.
Speaker 1: Any tips for single moms who are listening, Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: I mean people who are already single moms or thinking
Speaker 1: about thinking about thinking about becoming I would say, you
Speaker 1: need to have people, and you need to have a
Speaker 1: support system. UM. I literally don't know how I would
Speaker 1: have survived that first month without my support system. And
Speaker 1: at the same time, I would say, it is totally doable.
Speaker 1: It is. It's hard, but it's just hard in a
Speaker 1: different way. And UM, women are strong and resilient. And
Speaker 1: if it's something that you will look back and potentially
Speaker 1: regret not doing that is you know? That was my
Speaker 1: decision maker for me. I couldn't agree with you more.
Speaker 1: I think that that's really the deciding factor. UM, for
Speaker 1: anyone considering embryo adoption. Any advice, I have loved the
Speaker 1: process of embryo adoption, UM, I would say, look at
Speaker 1: your different options. There's there's lots of different paths to
Speaker 1: do that. I love the open aspect of it. So
Speaker 1: even though my situation it looks a little different than
Speaker 1: I anticipated. UM, from what the research shows that children
Speaker 1: that are conceived with you know, donor sperm donor egg
Speaker 1: donor embryos, things like that, the more the lines are open,
Speaker 1: the better they tend to process it. And I know
Speaker 1: that society is going to look very different in you know,
Speaker 1: eighteen years when Miles is an adult, and it will
Speaker 1: be much more common and so you know, families look
Speaker 1: a lot different and so it won't be as out there. Um,
Speaker 1: but it is. It is so worth doing, and I
Speaker 1: think the adoption part of it has just been, um,
Speaker 1: something that's been like dear to my heart. Oh, it's
Speaker 1: so fascinating and so amazing. Um. Final question finished this sentence,
Speaker 1: Parenthood is. Oh. They're so many different words that I
Speaker 1: could say, but I am going to go with. I
Speaker 1: am going to go with an absolute dream come true
Speaker 1: for me. It is despite all of those challenges that
Speaker 1: I had. Um, it is beautiful, it's wonderful, it's messy,
Speaker 1: it's challenging, and I am so obsessed with my son
Speaker 1: and I could not love him anymore even if he
Speaker 1: were my own DNA from my own egg. So it's
Speaker 1: it's honestly the best thing I've ever done. Yea, Everyone
Speaker 1: go to Lynette Weaver on Instagram, and if you have
Speaker 1: any personal questions or need embryo adoption advice or single
Speaker 1: mommy guys orta like that, you can always be m
Speaker 1: our Linette Weaver and make sure you like all of
Speaker 1: the pictures of Miles like I am going to go
Speaker 1: do right now. Thank you guys so much for listening
Speaker 1: to this episode of Katie's Crib Linette. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for coming on the Crib. This was awesome. I
Speaker 1: learned so much that. Wow, that is the craziest thing
Speaker 1: I've ever heard in my life. Thank you for letting
Speaker 1: me do this. Thank you guys so much for listening
Speaker 1: to today's episode. I want to hear from you. Let's
Speaker 1: chat questions, comments, concerns. Let me know. You can always
Speaker 1: find me at Katie's Crib at Shonda land dot com.
Speaker 1: Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda Land Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.