1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:06,600 Speaker 1: Hey fam, Hello Sunshine. Today on the bright Side, it's 2 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,600 Speaker 1: Wellness Wednesday, and we're joined by the millennial therapist, doctor 3 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:14,840 Speaker 1: Sarah Kubrick. She's an existential psychotherapist and the author of 4 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,920 Speaker 1: It's On Me. So if you've ever felt lost or 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: struggled to answer the question who am I? Today is 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:26,080 Speaker 1: the show for you. It's Wednesday, October thirtieth. I'm Danielle Robe. 7 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 2: And I'm Simone Boyce and this is the bright Side 8 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 2: from Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together 9 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 2: to share women's stories, laugh, learn and brighten your day. 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 2: Today's Wellness Wednesday is presented by Coligard Danielle. 11 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 3: We get to kick off. 12 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,920 Speaker 2: Today's show with the brand new November Reese's Book Club Pick. 13 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 2: This month's pick is We Will Be Jaguars, a Memoir 14 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,440 Speaker 2: of My People by Namante Nikimo and Mitch Anderson. 15 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: Namante n Kimo is an internationally acclaimed activist who's been 16 00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:00,160 Speaker 1: named one of Times one hundred most Influential People, and 17 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: she's also a winner of the magazine's twenty twenty four 18 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: Earth Award. So what does that mean? Well, it's pretty outstanding. 19 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: This award honors people who are quote influencing the future 20 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,640 Speaker 1: of the planet through their work on climate justice, awareness 21 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 1: and activism. 22 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,600 Speaker 2: So incredible, and she's also the force behind an indigenous 23 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 2: campaign that led to a court ruling protecting half a 24 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,920 Speaker 2: million acres of Waurani land in the Amazon Rainforest from 25 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:25,680 Speaker 2: oil extraction. 26 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 3: We truly need more people like her in the world. 27 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: And this book is a memoir about her life, so 28 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 1: it tells the incredible story of her growing up in 29 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: the Waarani tribe deep in Ecuador's Amazon Rainforest, all the 30 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: way to her journey as a climate activist fighting to 31 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 1: protect it. Her story sounds really extraordinary, so I can't 32 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,760 Speaker 1: wait to dive in Simone. It's clear she has this 33 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:51,720 Speaker 1: really strong sense of identity and dedicated purpose, and in 34 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: that vein of purpose, I'm really excited to talk to today's 35 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: guest doctor. Sarah Krubrick is an existential psychotherapist, the author 36 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: It's On Me, and more commonly known on social media 37 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: as the Millennial Therapist. She shares her tips and musings 38 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: to her over one point seven million followers. Her latest 39 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,160 Speaker 1: book is all about the concept of self loss accepting 40 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: hard truths, and it's really a guide to helping people 41 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 1: answer that major question. 42 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:20,720 Speaker 3: Who am I. 43 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 2: Let's bring her in, doctor Sarah Kubrick. Welcome to the 44 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 2: bright Side. 45 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, thank you so much for having me. 46 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 4: I'm really excited. 47 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 1: We're really excited to your book. It's on Me is 48 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 1: all about self loss, and this is very personal to you. 49 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: There was a time that you describe being incredibly unhappy 50 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: and experiencing that loss of self. What was going on 51 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: at that time in your life. 52 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, so I was about twenty four. I want to 53 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 4: say I was kind of just going through life and 54 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 4: doing what people expected me to do. And I'm hoping 55 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 4: other people can relate to that where you're like, well, 56 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 4: I'm twenty So that means that I'll try to find 57 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,520 Speaker 4: like a serious relationship, and I will figure my life 58 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 4: out and go to grad school or start that job, 59 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 4: and I'm going to look a certain way and I'm 60 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 4: gonna have certain friends. And so that's what I did, 61 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:13,799 Speaker 4: and I got married. I was in grad school and 62 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 4: I remember having like a little school break and I 63 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 4: went to La to visit a really close friend of 64 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 4: mine who knew me from undergrad, and I was telling 65 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 4: him about all the cool things that I was doing 66 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,959 Speaker 4: that everyone was praising me for and he just kind 67 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 4: of like looked at me and was like, yeah, no, no, 68 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:33,920 Speaker 4: that's great, but like, are you happy? I was like, 69 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 4: how dare you? 70 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:36,680 Speaker 1: Like? 71 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 4: I just haven't had anyone actually ask me that question. 72 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 4: A lot of people just assumed I was happy or 73 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,240 Speaker 4: would say things like, wow, you must be so happy. 74 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 4: And so it was that moment in my twenties. It 75 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 4: wasn't even living with self loss. It was recognizing it 76 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,880 Speaker 4: that really hurt. Obviously living with it was painful, but 77 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 4: I was in so much denial and I didn't even 78 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,200 Speaker 4: know it was happy. But that moment where he asked 79 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,280 Speaker 4: that question and I kind of took a look at 80 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 4: my life and was like, I have no idea who 81 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 4: I am. I have like no idea why I'm here. 82 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 4: That was one of the most painful moments of my life. 83 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 1: I think self loss when people hear that phrase, it 84 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: means different things to different people. How do you describe 85 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,840 Speaker 1: the experience of self loss? 86 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like becoming a stranger to yourself. Fruly, it's 87 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 4: looking in a mirror, not feeling like feeling connected with 88 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 4: that person, not feeling like you possess that person, not 89 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 4: feeling like you have intimacy with that person. It's looking 90 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 4: at yourself and looking at your actions and your relationships 91 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,160 Speaker 4: and your decisions and going like, I don't why did 92 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,640 Speaker 4: I do that? Like what, I don't actually know why 93 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,960 Speaker 4: I'm doing the things I'm doing, or I'm surprising myself 94 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 4: and not in a super positive way. So it's just 95 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 4: a lack of alignment between how we perceive ourselves and 96 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 4: what our beliefs are and our values and then how 97 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,360 Speaker 4: we're actually showing up in the world. 98 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,040 Speaker 1: So it's like, when our insides don't match our outsides. 99 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,039 Speaker 4: That's such a great way of saying that, yes, correct, 100 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 4: I need to use that. I need to feel like, 101 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 4: when your insides did not match your outsets. 102 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:14,279 Speaker 1: It's yours. You want to know. A really embarrassing story 103 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: when I learned that term. Yes, I was dating someone who, 104 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:23,599 Speaker 1: at the end of our relationship said he made a 105 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 1: pro con list about me that I found, and when 106 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: I spoke to him about the list, he was like, 107 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 1: I just I'm looking for a Michelle Obama and yes 108 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 1: in most space. So my first instinct was like, are 109 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: you bor Rock? But I didn't say anything. I didn't 110 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 1: say I held my tongue and I had a therapy 111 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: appointment that week and I shared it and the therapist 112 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: very wisely said, well, it's a really interesting thing to 113 00:05:56,160 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 1: say because he's comparing Michelle Obama's outsides to your insides, 114 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 1: like we don't have in an inside look into whom 115 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:09,839 Speaker 1: Michelle Obama is in those intimate moments, and the idea 116 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 1: of outsides and insides became very clear to me. 117 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 3: I've thought about it a lot since then. 118 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,479 Speaker 4: I love that and I'm sorry you went through that. 119 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 3: Thanks. 120 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 4: What a thing to say to someone. It's really really yours. 121 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,360 Speaker 4: I also want to be Michelle Obama. I would be 122 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 4: so great if that was. I was that gracious and 123 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 4: you know, articulate, and that's yes, we all want this totally. 124 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,960 Speaker 2: Well, speaking of articulate, I love the way you lay 125 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,359 Speaker 2: out the distinction in terms of how we think of 126 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 2: ourselves and identity. You write that identity is who we are, 127 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 2: roles are what we do. 128 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 3: This applies to just. 129 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 2: So much in life, whether it's career or dating, even 130 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,279 Speaker 2: being in a relationship or becoming a parent. 131 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 1: How does this contribute to self loss? 132 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think we get lost in the roles. It's 133 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 4: it's almost like, you know, do you see the forest 134 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 4: from the trees sort of metaphor. But it's we all 135 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 4: get assigned roles. We all take roles on and we 136 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 4: don't actually understand how much of shapes who we are, 137 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 4: and we don't have this overview of who we are 138 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,160 Speaker 4: because most of us become over committed to a role. 139 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 4: So it's like I am now a girlfriend, and you'll 140 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 4: just see everything else become like dumpster fire because they're 141 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,360 Speaker 4: just like, you know, they're like, I'm a girlfriend and 142 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,720 Speaker 4: that's an important role. Like you want to you know, 143 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 4: you want to connect you, I want to have intimacy, 144 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 4: and that's that's wonderful. But we I see people who 145 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 4: become parents sometimes not know how to navigate, you know, 146 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 4: other aspects of themselves besides parenthood, and that makes sense. 147 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 4: That's something I write about in the book. If your 148 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 4: roles are something that you engage with all the time, 149 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 4: eventually they will fully shape who you are. But you 150 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 4: might not like who that person is because it's going 151 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 4: to feel very one dimensional. 152 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, I that definitely resonates with me. 153 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 2: I identified myself through my career for the first I 154 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 2: don't know, maybe fifteen years or let's say twelve years 155 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 2: of adulthood, and then as I became a mom, that 156 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 2: process helped me disentangle my identity from my career. But 157 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 2: then there's always the danger of slipping into Oh, I'm 158 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 2: embodying the mom persona so much of the mom identity 159 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 2: so much that I'm losing other parts of myself. And 160 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 2: I think a lot of women struggle with finding the 161 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,960 Speaker 2: right language to define themselves, Like, Okay, how do I 162 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 2: introduce myself now that I do feel like I'm living 163 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 2: out all the facets of my humanity? So what are 164 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 2: the alternative words or phrases that we can use to 165 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:52,920 Speaker 2: describe ourselves in a more comprehensive, holistic way. 166 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 4: Wow, that's a really hard question. Actually, I truly believe 167 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 4: that isolation is an inherent human EXAs experience, which means 168 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 4: that no one, no other person, no matter how close 169 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 4: to you, is fully going to understand the complexity and 170 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:12,440 Speaker 4: the facets of who you are. And that experience is 171 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 4: really isolating, really lonely, but really profound. And I think 172 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 4: we need to accept the fact that no one will 173 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,520 Speaker 4: fully understand what it means to be a mother and 174 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 4: a businesswoman and a friend because they just can't. They 175 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,120 Speaker 4: are not you that don't share the same lived experience, 176 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 4: And so how I've come to terms with this is different. 177 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 4: People sometimes get different introductions from me, and sometimes it's like, 178 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,679 Speaker 4: what facet do I feel most connected to right now? 179 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 4: Which one do I think I want to express in 180 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 4: this moment, because I can't express it all at once. 181 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,959 Speaker 4: And I think one of the best ways to truly 182 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,720 Speaker 4: show someone who you are is never by the way 183 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 4: you verbally identify. I think the only way to truly 184 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 4: answer like who am I is by the way you 185 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 4: live your life. And so that's such a great question, 186 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 4: but I think people should take liberties of like, hey, 187 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 4: what represents me in this very moment, in this very second, 188 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,160 Speaker 4: in this very context, what am I connecting to? What 189 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 4: do I want to present? You have the right to 190 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:15,440 Speaker 4: choose whatever that is. 191 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 1: I feel like I got into relationships in my teen 192 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: years and my twenties that were so not for me. 193 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: And part of the reason, in reflection, why that happened 194 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: was I was figuring out who I was. When we 195 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 1: think about that sense of self loss, how does knowing 196 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 1: yourself well come into play? 197 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,559 Speaker 4: Yeah, oh my gosh, And who hasn't been in that experience, 198 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 4: like in that situation. I think when we're in our twenties, 199 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,080 Speaker 4: we are still figuring it out, and I think that's normal, 200 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 4: that's actually developmental. And then we'll enter relationships without often 201 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 4: a very so understanding, which is also okay because what 202 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:06,239 Speaker 4: you're doing is you're learning about yourself through a relationship. 203 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 4: I think a relationship can teach her so much forever 204 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 4: where I'm like, I thought I was this kind of person, 205 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,640 Speaker 4: and then I'm like engaging with my partner, I'm like, 206 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 4: just kidding, surprise, and there's something wonderful about that. But 207 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,200 Speaker 4: that's wonderful now in my thirties because I'm looking at 208 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 4: my life and I have this sense of self and 209 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 4: now I'm kind of evaluating, tweaking, adjusting, editing. In my twenties, 210 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 4: it wasn't so cute and it wasn't so nice because 211 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,199 Speaker 4: someone would reflect something to me and I'd be like, oh, 212 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 4: maybe that's who I should be, or maybe that is 213 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 4: who like I like I was meant to be. And 214 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 4: without having like a very clear sense of self going 215 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 4: into relationship, I myself was prone to losing myself further 216 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 4: in those relationships, so I would become who the person 217 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,200 Speaker 4: wanted me to be and that was because I wanted 218 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,720 Speaker 4: them to love me and I wanted the relationship to 219 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 4: work out. And so there is this weird thing where 220 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 4: I believe that relationships, healthy relationships can help you become 221 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 4: more yourself than you could do alone, and then unhealthy 222 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 4: relationships can take you further away from yourself than you 223 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:15,240 Speaker 4: could possibly ever do alone. And so that's I think 224 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 4: that's like the beauty and sort of the curse of relationships, Sarah. 225 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 2: In my experience, I've had to forgive myself and love 226 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 2: myself first before I can know myself. Do you think 227 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 2: there's any truth to that or like, have you seen 228 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 2: that pattern in your patience that you've worked with? 229 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:40,360 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's such a fact. It's almost like inverse of 230 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,560 Speaker 4: what I would have thought. I think the forgiveness piece 231 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 4: absolutely in terms of you need to forgive your past 232 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 4: self almost to even be willing to look at your 233 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 4: current self. Like it it takes up our past our, 234 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 4: remorse or regret. It takes up so much space that 235 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,320 Speaker 4: it's like I can't even engage with what is in 236 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,959 Speaker 4: front of me because because I'm so stuck. So absolutely, 237 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 4: I think forgiveness plays a massive role and forgiveness comes 238 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 4: from also understanding. I think there's so much blame and grace. 239 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 4: My God, we need to give ourselves grace. It's our 240 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 4: first time probably on earth doing this journey. We're going 241 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 4: to make mistakes, and I think part of it is 242 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 4: also why are we assuming life is not about mistakes? 243 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 4: How do people think we're going to develop? Also, what 244 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,120 Speaker 4: is the point of life if there's no trials and 245 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:34,880 Speaker 4: mistakes and tentions experiments. I just like, I think that's 246 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 4: actually the definition of life. So when people are trying 247 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 4: to avoid it, I think we're setting ourselves up for 248 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,880 Speaker 4: failure in the real sense of the word. And so 249 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,320 Speaker 4: I think forgiveness plays a huge role. The love piece, 250 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,560 Speaker 4: for me, is the final step. I don't think you 251 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,640 Speaker 4: can love someone you don't know, and so for me, 252 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 4: when I think about actual love, actual intimacy, for me, 253 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 4: it's first like you're acknowledging yourself that maybe you accept 254 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 4: whatever you just acknowledged. Then hopefully you'll get to a 255 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,600 Speaker 4: place where you can respect that person and then you 256 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 4: can like them and then love them. But to me, 257 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 4: you can't love a stranger in the true sense of 258 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,839 Speaker 4: the word the same way you would love someone that 259 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 4: you had an intimate relationship with. 260 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,480 Speaker 1: I'd love to also establish the inverse. What does self 261 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: fulfillment look like? 262 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:30,640 Speaker 4: Oof hmm. I think that looks like a relationship that 263 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,120 Speaker 4: is aligned. So the reason why I say it's a 264 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 4: relationship is because I don't think self fulfillment is a destination. 265 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,480 Speaker 4: It's an ongoing journey. I don't think the self is static. 266 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 4: I don't think we get there and we're like, hey, self, 267 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 4: and now you sit with it till you're eighty. I 268 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:54,120 Speaker 4: think self fulfillment to me is a constant desire to understand, 269 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 4: to connect, and to align with yourself. It's not a checklist. 270 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 4: It is not like a I'm doing in therapy and 271 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 4: then I'm like, I'm done. Like if a client came 272 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,720 Speaker 4: up to me and said my goal in therapy is 273 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 4: to be self fulfilled, I'm like, sweet, so are we 274 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,200 Speaker 4: doing this forever? 275 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 2: Like? 276 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,760 Speaker 4: Is this a monthly, a yearly subscription, a decades Like? 277 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,160 Speaker 4: It's just it's an ongoing process. And so for me, 278 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,600 Speaker 4: self discovering is just openness, curiosity, and then acting out 279 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 4: of that place of alignment of your insights match your outsides. 280 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 4: If I'm going to quote you. 281 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:33,000 Speaker 1: I'm so honored. Yeah, doctor Kubrick, this is something I 282 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: think about a lot, because I actually attribute a lot 283 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:43,560 Speaker 1: of my joy and happiness to meaning. Hmmm, I'm wondering, how, like, 284 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: if you are searching for purpose, how do you how 285 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: do you even begin to think about that? Because You're right, 286 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,520 Speaker 1: it's so individual. 287 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:55,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, something I'll like to do as an activity to 288 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 4: make it a bit more tangible is I'll get someone 289 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 4: to tell me their entire schedule for a week or 290 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 4: maybe even a day. But like when I'm talking excruciating details, 291 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 4: I mean like excruciating details, and I put it all 292 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 4: on a page and I'm like, amazing, And then I'll 293 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,200 Speaker 4: ask them to reflect what do they spend most of 294 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:18,400 Speaker 4: their time on and why? Because the reality is, as humans, 295 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 4: we will always seek meaning. I think that's something that's very. 296 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 3: Inherent. 297 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 4: I think it's an inherent need and so I genuinely 298 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 4: believe that. And so when we go throughout our day, 299 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 4: we might not realize that what we're looking for is 300 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 4: seeking for meaning or living out pieces of that meaning. 301 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 4: What we're actually doing when I'm actually putting someone's day 302 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 4: on the page, I'm looking for values. Okay, what are 303 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,040 Speaker 4: your values, because your values and your beliefs are going 304 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 4: to lead me to your meaning. And I think just 305 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 4: being really curious of like the things you spend time 306 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 4: on will tell you what you value. Sit there, explore 307 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 4: what you value and why, and are there ways that 308 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,880 Speaker 4: you can kind of lean into those values that would 309 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 4: be maybe create greater impact or make it a little 310 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,520 Speaker 4: more tangible for you. And so I think most of 311 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,399 Speaker 4: us actually do live out some values. Now we will 312 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 4: face values that will be like, I can't believe that 313 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,679 Speaker 4: is a value of mine, because we always speak of 314 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 4: values as like a really positive thing. But I think 315 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,879 Speaker 4: once in a while we have this moment of our 316 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,800 Speaker 4: truth of like, oh this has become a value that's 317 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:28,400 Speaker 4: a little disappointing. Maybe I just need to deprioritize that 318 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 4: particular value for now. And so it's just about like 319 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,920 Speaker 4: that reflection. But I think oftentimes we're telling ourselves all 320 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 4: the things we actually need to know. 321 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 2: We need to take a quick break, but we'll be 322 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:53,239 Speaker 2: right back to our conversation with doctor Sarah Kubrick, and 323 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 2: we're back with doctor Sarah Kubrick. Sarah, I love that 324 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,800 Speaker 2: you've carved out this area of expertise for yourself that 325 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 2: you call existential therapy. And the reason why I identify 326 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 2: with this so much is because I feel like I'm 327 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 2: the existential friend in my friend group. Like we'll go 328 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:15,040 Speaker 2: to we'll go to dinner, and I'll like warm them 329 00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 2: up a little bit with like some softball questions, but 330 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 2: eventually we're going to get to what is the meaning 331 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 2: of life? 332 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,880 Speaker 3: What do you think it is? How did you arrive 333 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 3: at that? 334 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,520 Speaker 2: I just always love taking existential So I love this 335 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,560 Speaker 2: idea of existential therapy. But break down that term for us. 336 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,920 Speaker 2: What does that term mean? And how can it help 337 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 2: with self loss? 338 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,639 Speaker 4: Oh my god, I love that you do this with 339 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 4: your friends. I'm like that unpopular, I'm cool kid at 340 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:40,720 Speaker 4: the table that's like, so like death, what do we think? 341 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, Now I do the same thing for 342 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,440 Speaker 2: it or I don't know if it's a good thing 343 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,920 Speaker 2: or a bad thing, but it's just it's authentic to me. 344 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,400 Speaker 4: I think it's a great thing because I think most 345 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,640 Speaker 4: of us have these questions. We're just not addressing it. 346 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 4: So every therapist sort of has a way of understanding 347 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,640 Speaker 4: their clients. So if you're an attachment in formed therapist, 348 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 4: you're going to look for the individual attachment in their stories. 349 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,320 Speaker 4: If you're a CPT therapist, you're going to look for 350 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,880 Speaker 4: cognitive patterns and behaviors. And if you're an existential therapist, 351 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:11,160 Speaker 4: I'm going to look for how are you taking responsibility 352 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,200 Speaker 4: in your life? What is your relationship to freedom, to isolation, 353 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:18,920 Speaker 4: to meaning to death? So it's really just informed by 354 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:20,400 Speaker 4: existential philosophy. 355 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,359 Speaker 2: We've set up some of the causes of self loss 356 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,960 Speaker 2: in this conversation, and on our show, we do love 357 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 2: to talk about solutions. So can we get into some 358 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,480 Speaker 2: of these solutions that you explore through existential therapy? 359 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,440 Speaker 3: What does that look like in practice? 360 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:41,199 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think the solution for me for self loss 361 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:48,159 Speaker 4: is responsibility. It's not sexy, it's really not, but I 362 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,639 Speaker 4: think it's the most liberating, life changing concept once you 363 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 4: lean into it. I think self loss happens either because 364 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,680 Speaker 4: you have like a big life event and you can't 365 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 4: reconcile who you were before who you are after. And 366 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 4: that can be a move, a breakup, divorce, a kid, 367 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 4: something traumatic, a car accident, a death, and you're just 368 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:11,480 Speaker 4: feeling really fragmented and you cannot reconcile, you cannot understand 369 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,400 Speaker 4: who you are a past that hurt or past that trauma, 370 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,479 Speaker 4: and then sometimes it's really really gradual. So you're betraying yourself, 371 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:23,880 Speaker 4: abandoning yourself in relationships, at work, no boundaries, not communicating, 372 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 4: not setting up for yourself, doing things that are not 373 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,159 Speaker 4: aligned with your values. So there's so many ways to 374 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 4: get there, but all of it kind of stops when 375 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:37,840 Speaker 4: you understand that no one can protect you the way 376 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 4: that you can protect yourself, and no one can shape 377 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 4: you the way that you can shape yourself. And so 378 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 4: we have this wonderful gift of being whoever we want 379 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,800 Speaker 4: to be, but we have to take responsibility for it. It 380 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,040 Speaker 4: does not accidentally happen. I don't think it's like this 381 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:54,879 Speaker 4: inherent thing where're like and now I'm just going to 382 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 4: be a phenomenal individual and I don't have to work 383 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 4: on myself. And so for me, it's taking responsibility for 384 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 4: every single action, which sounds really tedious. So I think 385 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 4: people are like, seriously every action. I say, yes, here's 386 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:13,400 Speaker 4: my rationale. Let's say that you're sensitive to caffeine, such 387 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 4: as myself, and you're like, I have a really big 388 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,480 Speaker 4: day and I have a serious conversation. I have to 389 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,680 Speaker 4: have with my partner and then I decide to have coffee. 390 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 4: Now me having coffee or macha, there's such a significant 391 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 4: difference on my nervous system. And yeah, someone can be like, Wow, 392 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 4: you had a cup of coffee. Who cares. I'm like, no, no, 393 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,119 Speaker 4: that I need to make an intentional decision of Like 394 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,119 Speaker 4: I have a big day, I'm already a bit nervous. 395 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 4: I'm a bit anxious. I do not need to be 396 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 4: having caffeine right now. And so it's like, how do 397 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,880 Speaker 4: I want to address if I'm uncomfortable? Most people act 398 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,400 Speaker 4: a certain way. If they feel more confident, more attractive, 399 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,880 Speaker 4: toy'll act a certain way. And so I literally think 400 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,160 Speaker 4: that every decision that we make, from what we ingest, 401 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,760 Speaker 4: to how we dress, to a conversations we're choosing to 402 00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,720 Speaker 4: have all end up shaping our sense of self and 403 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,359 Speaker 4: some respon. You know, some decisions we can make and 404 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,719 Speaker 4: some we can So whenever we have that freedom, taking 405 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:11,200 Speaker 4: that responsibility for our actions is really important, no matter 406 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,960 Speaker 4: how small the action you think might be. 407 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,200 Speaker 3: I think responsibility is so sexy. 408 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,400 Speaker 4: It's so sexy. 409 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:21,159 Speaker 2: Even though society doesn't agree right now, like millennial culture 410 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 2: probably doesn't agree, I don't care. 411 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:23,719 Speaker 3: I think it's so sexy. 412 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,359 Speaker 4: Well that's because we think it's blame, right, Like we're like, 413 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 4: there's so much shame with it because it's like it's 414 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,280 Speaker 4: your phone and then only one person we dump everything 415 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 4: on like one person instead of just being like, responsibility 416 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:42,919 Speaker 4: means autonomy, It means making amends, it means taking ownership, 417 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 4: it means possession. That's hot, you know, blame not so hot. 418 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,560 Speaker 4: So I get it, but I think we need to 419 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,520 Speaker 4: like we need to bring back responsibility in like a 420 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,880 Speaker 4: sexy way and be like, this is what it actually means. 421 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 4: It's accountability, it's possession, it's ownership. It's like empowered rather 422 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:02,239 Speaker 4: than like it's you are you know, you screwed up 423 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 4: and you don't deserve other chances and you should be 424 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 4: ashamed and we hate you. 425 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 1: Well, what's the correlation between responsibility and freedom? 426 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:15,640 Speaker 4: Yeah, so my take, my hot take maybe is you're 427 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,439 Speaker 4: not really responsible for things. You're not free to choose 428 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,199 Speaker 4: to do or not do. So if you had the 429 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,320 Speaker 4: freedom to make a choice and then you chose it, 430 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 4: that is on you. And if you didn't obviously have 431 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,359 Speaker 4: that choice, then that's not on you. Now it gets 432 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:35,600 Speaker 4: real twisty and dark when I don't actually think our 433 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:39,119 Speaker 4: freedom is ever fully taken away, which is just my 434 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 4: way of saying, I think we're pretty much always responsible 435 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,120 Speaker 4: to a different degree because we all have different freedoms 436 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 4: and different limitations and constraints. But that was just like 437 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 4: a fun run around way of saying, like, huh, we're 438 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,240 Speaker 4: always responsible. And as you said, no one wants to 439 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:52,560 Speaker 4: hear that. 440 00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:55,400 Speaker 1: It's kind of empowering to hear it, though. 441 00:23:56,359 --> 00:24:00,640 Speaker 4: I think so Imagine if I couldn't change my life. 442 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,400 Speaker 4: Imagine if my mistakes were in my fault, Like I'm 443 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,639 Speaker 4: just kind of like i'd be even more pissed. You know, 444 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 4: there is slight situations you find yourself in and you're like, 445 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 4: this really wasn't on me, and I'm taking the heed 446 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 4: for it, and I don't like it, and that's a 447 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,560 Speaker 4: really frustrating position to be in. But I kind of 448 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,840 Speaker 4: like the fact that a lot of it does boil 449 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 4: down to me, and as much as I hate it, 450 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,040 Speaker 4: I go like, well, at least I did it to me. 451 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 4: At least, like if I don't like the person I'm seeing, 452 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:31,240 Speaker 4: that's probably my curation, which means I have the freedom 453 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,040 Speaker 4: and the capacity to make something in someone I am 454 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 4: proud of. 455 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,920 Speaker 1: It's time for another short break. We'll be right back 456 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:47,480 Speaker 1: with doctor Sarah Kubrick, and we're back to wellness Wednesday 457 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,639 Speaker 1: with doctor Sarah Kubrick. There's this big movement on TikTok 458 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: where women are talking about how to get to the 459 00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:02,280 Speaker 1: vision board version of yourself and they write down these 460 00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:06,760 Speaker 1: lists of what does this version of myself eat, what 461 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: does the day look like for her? Who is she 462 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:13,359 Speaker 1: friends with, what job does she have? And similar to 463 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,199 Speaker 1: what you were saying earlier, which is like with the 464 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,199 Speaker 1: exercise you did about your values and purpose, is like, 465 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 1: is there a discrepancy between who this person is and 466 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: what you are doing and living and eating right now? 467 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,919 Speaker 1: And then you have the power to change it. I 468 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:29,840 Speaker 1: think it's very cool. 469 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:33,359 Speaker 4: I think it's so tangible, it's very practical. It's very cool. 470 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,119 Speaker 4: My only hesitation is I never want to over commit 471 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:41,520 Speaker 4: to one version of myself wow say more good right, 472 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,480 Speaker 4: because that limits my growth. I don't want to be 473 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 4: like I just want to be this woman because when 474 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 4: I reach that, what then? And what if along the 475 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,359 Speaker 4: way I realized that's no longer who I want to be. 476 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,720 Speaker 4: That you're no longer aligned. And this happens all the time. 477 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,879 Speaker 4: And so for me, the number one piece of advice 478 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,360 Speaker 4: give people these don't over commit to one version of yourself. 479 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 1: Oh that's interesting. 480 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,080 Speaker 3: I love that so much. 481 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:06,400 Speaker 1: Yeah. 482 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,040 Speaker 4: I think it's just really really important. And activities like 483 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:14,200 Speaker 4: this are absolutely great as long as you still reassess 484 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,440 Speaker 4: that person you're trying to become, Like every week where 485 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 4: you're like, do I still want her to eat this way? 486 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,919 Speaker 4: Do I still want her to dress that way? Do 487 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,720 Speaker 4: I still want her to have kids? Not have kids? 488 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:28,680 Speaker 2: Right? Yeah, Because it's a fluid, noisy discussion with ourselves 489 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:29,840 Speaker 2: that we're always engaged in. 490 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 3: Right Yeah. 491 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 2: I can hear our besties, you know, as we're talking 492 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 2: about all this, and I can kind of hear their 493 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 2: wheels turning, because I imagine that some people have questions 494 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:45,000 Speaker 2: about what happens when we want to feel that freedom 495 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 2: and embody freedom, but life throws stuff our way that's 496 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:53,720 Speaker 2: just out of our control. Talking about things like profound loss, violence, illness, 497 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 2: climate change, war and conflict, which I know you have 498 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,960 Speaker 2: personal experience with your childhood. How can we protect against 499 00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 2: self loss in circumstances that might just be unjust and 500 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,880 Speaker 2: unfair and out of our control. 501 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,880 Speaker 4: Oh my god, there's way too much of that right now. 502 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:17,360 Speaker 4: And I think it's important to remember that this concept 503 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 4: I draw upon comes from Victor Frankel, who survived the 504 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,280 Speaker 4: concentration camps. So it was written by someone who's probably 505 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 4: seen some of the worst of humanity. It wasn't written 506 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,879 Speaker 4: by someone who didn't, who had a really nice life, 507 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 4: and for him, the last of human freedoms was his attitude. 508 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:41,919 Speaker 4: So freedom is not always freedom of action or freedom 509 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,680 Speaker 4: of feeling. Necessarily, it is like, I choose to have 510 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,480 Speaker 4: this attitude despite of what is happening. And I think 511 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:52,280 Speaker 4: at the end of the day, that's all he had. 512 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,720 Speaker 4: He couldn't choose when he slept, aid, if he lived 513 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,920 Speaker 4: or he died, what he did that day, And yet 514 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,880 Speaker 4: he still argued that he was free. He had some 515 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 4: degree of freedom, and I think that that's a really 516 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,639 Speaker 4: beautiful thing of No one can actually break that spirit 517 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,160 Speaker 4: from you, know what can take away freedom fully from 518 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 4: you until you die In a sense of shit, things 519 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 4: are happening, painful things are happening, and you can still 520 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 4: kind of choose how you want to position yourself, how 521 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,199 Speaker 4: you want to think about it, while your attitude is 522 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,520 Speaker 4: going to be how are you going to speak to yourself? 523 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 4: And I think that's there's something really cool about that. 524 00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 4: It's a very sensitive topic and there's going to be 525 00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:29,440 Speaker 4: moments where we don't feel free, and that's okay too. 526 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:33,360 Speaker 4: I'm not saying everyone has to believe that they always 527 00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:36,879 Speaker 4: have freedom, but I do lean on the sort of 528 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 4: on that side of we probably have more freedom than 529 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 4: we think, even if it's just like I'm choosing my 530 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:43,320 Speaker 4: attitude today. 531 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 2: I actually think that really is applicable. Whenever people say 532 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 2: they're feeling stuck in their careers or even just stuck 533 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 2: in life, you know, like stuck in a situation that 534 00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,040 Speaker 2: they feel like they need to move out of. We 535 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:01,520 Speaker 2: always have agent and see, even if it's in the 536 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:02,400 Speaker 2: smallest way. 537 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:07,440 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, I love that you just brought this up. 538 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 4: A lot of people that come and say they're stuck. 539 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 4: What they mean is they can't experience change while doing 540 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:18,280 Speaker 4: nothing different. That's what people mean by stuck. And I'm like, yes, 541 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 4: you will never experience something different if you keep doing 542 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:25,560 Speaker 4: the same thing. But I always go, let's put down 543 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 4: the consequences. Tell me all the things you could hypothetically do. 544 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,400 Speaker 4: If people are like I hate my job and I'm 545 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 4: stuck or I hate this relationship, I'm like, what are 546 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:37,040 Speaker 4: all the things that you could hypothetically do. They're like, well, 547 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:38,760 Speaker 4: I can leave, I can quit, I can go up 548 00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 4: to my boss, I can start this or that, and 549 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 4: so the I'm like, oh, so you do have choices, 550 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 4: They're like, well, and I'm like, no, what you're saying 551 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,400 Speaker 4: is you don't want the consequences of those choices. But 552 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:54,440 Speaker 4: don't confuse that with not having a choice, because often 553 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,760 Speaker 4: we're just choosing consequences, which is okay, and you need 554 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,560 Speaker 4: to think about the consequences. But I love to tell 555 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,880 Speaker 4: people like, no, you do actually have the choice to 556 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 4: leave your partner. This is not an abuse context. We're 557 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,840 Speaker 4: just talking about like someone who's like I'm stuck and 558 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,440 Speaker 4: I'm like, who am I going to date now? And 559 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,760 Speaker 4: you know, like those people are like I'm not really sure, 560 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 4: but like I don't want to leave, And I'll say, 561 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 4: you actually do have the choice to leave. You're just 562 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,680 Speaker 4: choosing not to do it because of the consequence, which 563 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:24,560 Speaker 4: means you're choosing to stay. And the fact that people 564 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:29,560 Speaker 4: can understand that they're choosing to stay liberates them. Sometimes 565 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,440 Speaker 4: you don't actually have to change your actions, you just 566 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,840 Speaker 4: have to change your attitude towards your actions. So being 567 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,400 Speaker 4: like this is a choice, this is not an obligation, 568 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 4: is incredibly liberating. Or then they'll realize, like, Okay, maybe 569 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,000 Speaker 4: I should be a little less worried about the consequences 570 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 4: and recognize that I do have these choices and I 571 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,200 Speaker 4: need to honor myself by trying something different. 572 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:57,640 Speaker 2: You are such an essential voice in this conversation today. 573 00:30:57,760 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for joining us on the bright side. 574 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 4: Thank you Cues so much for having me. It's truly 575 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:02,680 Speaker 4: an honor. 576 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,719 Speaker 2: Doctor Sarah Kubrick is an existential psychotherapist and the author 577 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 2: of It's On Me. You can find her on Instagram 578 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:12,960 Speaker 2: as the Millennial Therapist. 579 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: That's it. For today's show, Tomorrow it is Halloween. Comedian 580 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:26,040 Speaker 1: and podcaster Lauren Lapkis joins us to talk all things spooky. 581 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: Thank you to our partners at Coligard, the one of 582 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,120 Speaker 1: a kind way to screen for colon cancer in the 583 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 1: privacy and comfort of your own home. Talk to your 584 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,240 Speaker 1: doctor or healthcare provider, or go to coliguard dot com. 585 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,000 Speaker 1: Slash podcast to see if you are eligible to order online. 586 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,480 Speaker 1: If you're forty five or older and at average risk, 587 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:49,480 Speaker 1: ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with Coligard. 588 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,960 Speaker 1: You can also request a collar guard prescription today at 589 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,719 Speaker 1: coligard dot com. Slash podcast. 590 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 2: Join the conversation using hashtag the Bread and connect with 591 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,440 Speaker 2: us on social media at Hello Sunshine on Instagram and 592 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,840 Speaker 2: at The bright Side Pod on TikTok oh, and feel 593 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:11,280 Speaker 2: free to tag us at Simone Boyce and at Danielle Robe. 594 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,760 Speaker 1: Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, 595 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:17,480 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 596 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,640 Speaker 2: See you tomorrow, folks, Keep looking on the bright side.