WEBVTT - Dealing with It with Tracy Crossley

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<v Speaker 1>Wind Down with Jane Kramer and Michael Coffin and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>her radio podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Mom January and I'm alone, not all, I'm not alone.

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<v Speaker 2>Easton Tory. Are you there, We're here, We're from here, Easton.

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<v Speaker 2>You sound rough right now, buddy.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, I hear this thing about the man cold,

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<v Speaker 3>and I'm trying to stomp on that because I'm powering

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<v Speaker 3>through man and I'm getting my work done.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like we could have a whole show about

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<v Speaker 2>the man flu. Does that mean that you're not enjoying

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<v Speaker 2>some good drinks lately?

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<v Speaker 3>You know, I'm still finding time to have a party.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, I'm feeling my wife is not sick, so

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<v Speaker 3>she's she's really kicking back lately.

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<v Speaker 2>Let me tell you, so, I've been having these Bachelor parties,

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<v Speaker 2>right because you know, with the whole like theme of

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<v Speaker 2>like Mom January. I don't know. I'm just like, this

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<v Speaker 2>is like let's all meet up and then watch the Bachelor.

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<v Speaker 2>So we've been doing that and it's been I really like,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to talk about the girls, but I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to like keep the focus. But I I

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<v Speaker 2>have to tell you this is gonna sound so crazy,

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<v Speaker 2>but I feel like welly have my two girlfriends coming in.

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<v Speaker 2>They're going to be here any second. But I've been

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<v Speaker 2>telling a lie, oh because I know you want to

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<v Speaker 2>know about it.

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<v Speaker 3>I like actually do.

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<v Speaker 2>So like I'm because you know me, like I'm like

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<v Speaker 2>a red wine drinker, right, So I've been trying to

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<v Speaker 2>like spice things up a little bit for you know,

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<v Speaker 2>the the mom like Bachelor viewing or whatever. So I

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<v Speaker 2>don't know if anyone watches my Instagram, but I've I

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<v Speaker 2>posted about it probably like a month ago. It's did

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<v Speaker 2>you see it, toy? It's like the drink works.

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<v Speaker 4>Yes, yes, I saw that because you were like you

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<v Speaker 4>were sitting on that by your bar tender, right, I

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<v Speaker 4>mean your bar, yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>Like the barer counter and so yeah, so like Catherine,

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<v Speaker 2>who's one of the girls sitters gonna be here because

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<v Speaker 2>she's always just like you only drink wine, like you know,

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<v Speaker 2>and whenever we go somewhere, like you're never like having

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<v Speaker 2>like cocktails, And I was just like, well that's changing,

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<v Speaker 2>because honestly, the truth is, I never know how to

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<v Speaker 2>make them, which is why because I'm like, it's easy

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<v Speaker 2>to uncork a bottle, like it's the one is done,

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<v Speaker 2>it's a one and done. But when it comes to

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<v Speaker 2>like a margarita or like a Moscow mule, I'm like,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't even know like what like liquor goes in there,

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<v Speaker 2>because I'm not like baked on liquor. So I've done

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<v Speaker 2>this thing for Drink Works and it is the most

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<v Speaker 2>incredible thing I've ever had. I got to feel like

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like doing a spot for them right right, I

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<v Speaker 2>looking online right now. I'm like no, So they come

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<v Speaker 2>over and I'm like, cause, I just like trying to

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<v Speaker 2>spice it up this month a little bit, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>like I've been doing like a lot of work on myself.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm trying to like spice up my life. And so

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, you know what, I love my red wine,

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<v Speaker 2>but I'm gonna try something new. And so when I

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<v Speaker 2>had the Drink Works thing, I was like, yes, So

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<v Speaker 2>I've been making these margaritas and you guys, it's been

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<v Speaker 2>like my biggest lie because they're like, how do you

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<v Speaker 2>make this? And I'm like, well, you know, it's just

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<v Speaker 2>a little bit of like this and that and right

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<v Speaker 2>and then I think I said, like, I don't even

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<v Speaker 2>remember what liquor I said, But Catherine totally ousted me.

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<v Speaker 2>She's like, that's not in a margarita and I was like, no, Like,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm totally out. So I had to show them what

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<v Speaker 2>it was. But I don't know. I'm just like, God,

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<v Speaker 2>this is totally this is crazy. But it's almost like

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<v Speaker 2>you know those pods. Yeah, they send you pods of

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<v Speaker 2>everything that's in, so that's liquor. It has the liquor

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<v Speaker 2>in it, and it also has the ingredients of what

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<v Speaker 2>comes in like a margarita, so you don't have to

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<v Speaker 2>buy aMule. You don't have to buy two separate pods necessarily.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like it's all in one. It's all in one.

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<v Speaker 2>So literally, you put the pod in the drink works

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<v Speaker 2>thing and you press the thing down and outcomes a

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<v Speaker 2>perfectly tasting margarita. It blows my mind. And I did

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<v Speaker 2>it to Mike the other day too. I was like, Hey,

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<v Speaker 2>how do you want a mask on Mule? And he

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<v Speaker 2>about fell over and I was like, no, no, baby,

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<v Speaker 2>is seriously do you want a mask on Mule? And

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<v Speaker 2>he was just like do you even know what that is?

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<v Speaker 2>And I was like, I'm about to rock your world, baby.

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<v Speaker 2>So I went into the bar and he like, obviously

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<v Speaker 2>forgot that I have this amazing thing in the bar,

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<v Speaker 2>and so I made him a drink and he was

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<v Speaker 2>just like, oh, it's drink Works, and I was like, yeah, honey,

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<v Speaker 2>but come on, give me like credit where credit is due.

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<v Speaker 2>But no, it's awesome. It comes with the liquor in it,

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<v Speaker 2>the one pod, all the stuff, so it's awesome anyway.

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<v Speaker 2>So I just you know, if anyone's having any parties

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<v Speaker 2>out there, I would definitely suggest trying to get the

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<v Speaker 2>Drink Works.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean, with all these award shows coming up, it's

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<v Speaker 4>literally the perfect thing because then you're not stuck behind

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<v Speaker 4>the bar all night long, so it's perfect. They have

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<v Speaker 4>like a Cosmopolitan, margarita, Sangria Moscow mule, my tie.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't even know what's in my tie exactly. So

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<v Speaker 2>I get what you're saying.

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<v Speaker 4>Why it's so easy You just put it in and

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<v Speaker 4>then it's perfect because then while you're judging everybody's outfits,

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<v Speaker 4>being like that's great, who wore.

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<v Speaker 2>It best, and you're just drinking your drink.

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<v Speaker 4>And I can't believe Jana just said she's moving on

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<v Speaker 4>from wine.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not moving on. I'm just now expanding because now

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<v Speaker 2>I don't have to. I don't need to know what's

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<v Speaker 2>in it because it's pre made for me. So thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>So I just like this is this is like my

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<v Speaker 2>shout out to Drink Works to say thank you for

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<v Speaker 2>not only you know, making super Bowl and everything looking

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<v Speaker 2>great soon. I appreciate you. Yeah, I was gonna ask you.

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<v Speaker 4>Also, nothing's worse than a strong drink. You know when

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<v Speaker 4>people don't have the portions correct?

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<v Speaker 2>Do you feel like fi thousand percent?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you feel like it's perfect?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not the kidding with you, Tori. It's the it's

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<v Speaker 2>the coolest thing ever. I mean, it's it's like a

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<v Speaker 2>cure rig but with the pod, it's just it's it

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<v Speaker 2>has everything measured in there. It's fantastic, I know. So

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<v Speaker 2>just give it a ring. All you have to do

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<v Speaker 2>is be red carpet ready the Drink Works Home bar

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<v Speaker 2>By Kerri. Get one now on drinkworks dot com and

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<v Speaker 2>please enjoy responsibly. Oh my ladies are walking in perfect timing.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like it's the end of an era and

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<v Speaker 2>it's really making me sad. I have closure issues to

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<v Speaker 2>see end. Well, Mom, January is coming to an end.

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<v Speaker 1>Can't we just keep going?

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<v Speaker 2>Is this the launch of Mom February.

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<v Speaker 1>Did we just make something?

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<v Speaker 2>I don't want to break up you guys.

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<v Speaker 5>I was driving in today and I was like, I

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<v Speaker 5>really just don't want this to be over.

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<v Speaker 1>It's been really therapeutic.

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<v Speaker 2>I had like the.

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<v Speaker 5>Laguna Beach theme song playing in my head. It was

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<v Speaker 5>like very sad and graduation feeling.

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<v Speaker 2>What was the theme song?

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<v Speaker 5>I'm not a singer. There's only one of those in

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<v Speaker 5>this room. Don't make me do it, and it's Easton.

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<v Speaker 1>Crickets.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm pheready go. No, it's funny because I was I

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<v Speaker 2>think we should do a segment at least once a month.

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<v Speaker 2>I agree. I don't want to break up with you guys.

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<v Speaker 1>So yeah, no, this, yeah, yeah, this is.

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<v Speaker 2>How it went in high school too.

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<v Speaker 5>We took a break before we broke up because I

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<v Speaker 5>have like issues separating from people.

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<v Speaker 2>That's really funny. I'm going to go back to that.

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<v Speaker 2>But my therapist, so we've just been doing the month

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<v Speaker 2>of January besides you know Mom, you know Mom month

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<v Speaker 2>has been just like real deep in like therapy, and

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<v Speaker 2>so I probably didn't even know if I should say this,

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<v Speaker 2>but my therapist, you know, we're doing just kind of

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<v Speaker 2>all different kinds of work and like that one letter

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<v Speaker 2>that she made me write. But then she emailed me

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<v Speaker 2>today and was just like, hey, for our session tomorrow,

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<v Speaker 2>I'd like it if you brought a picture of your

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<v Speaker 2>father and then other men that you've been in relationships with.

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, it was like, define relationship. I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>because we're gonna have a rolodex here, like what do

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<v Speaker 2>you what are you thinking? So she's just like, she's like,

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<v Speaker 2>you're so funny. She's like, no, just men that have

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<v Speaker 2>impacted your life. And I was like, oh, this is good.

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<v Speaker 2>What is just second through the home run? That are

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<v Speaker 2>we talking like high school sweetheart to like you know

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<v Speaker 2>the you know? But she said here right, let me

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<v Speaker 2>just pull up the email because she was very specific

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<v Speaker 2>about it.

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<v Speaker 5>Man, we just went through this last night. I had

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<v Speaker 5>a girlfriend and I were talking about what relationships were

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<v Speaker 5>to men and what relationships are to girls.

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<v Speaker 2>This is really in alignment. No, That's why I said

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<v Speaker 2>define relationship because I've had there's there's been different relationships

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<v Speaker 2>and she goes, oh, yeah, this is our thing. Hi, Jane,

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<v Speaker 2>for our session tomorrow, please bring in a photo of

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<v Speaker 2>your father and each man you have been in a

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<v Speaker 2>relationship with She says, we're going to use these in

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<v Speaker 2>our work, thank you?

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<v Speaker 5>Is it like a lineup? Like I envision it to

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<v Speaker 5>be like pick one of these in a crime.

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<v Speaker 2>To which I said, amy, ha, define relationship and she

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<v Speaker 2>said she was okay, you are hilarious. And she goes

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<v Speaker 2>those relationships that you consider impactful in your life and

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<v Speaker 2>emotionally meaningful, good or bad. Again, we asked a fine relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's like, what are you looking at?

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just looking at Oh she's.

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<v Speaker 2>Looking just doing a quick Google search, you know. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>just like, But then I started thinking about too, and

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<v Speaker 2>this is I'm going so all over the all over

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<v Speaker 2>the place. But some of these I don't really have

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<v Speaker 2>pictures of because I'm like, she'd just like bring my Instagram,

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<v Speaker 2>like google Google. Some maybe can't be googled, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>We hope not, actually, I hope. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 5>The Google lists are probably the most secure relationship we've had.

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<v Speaker 2>I just I'm a little nervous about it. The I'm like,

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<v Speaker 2>what is she gonna do you have like a type? No,

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<v Speaker 2>I mean it doesn't seem to me. Catherine's so funny.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember I called you the other day and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, hey, if you want to go pick me up,

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<v Speaker 2>I'll three at Whole Food's real cute high school boy.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember his name. What's his name? Bailey?

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<v Speaker 3>Bailey?

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<v Speaker 2>I love you.

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<v Speaker 5>So I'm like, because I thought Bailey on the rocks.

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<v Speaker 5>So I hang up and press and goes who's that

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<v Speaker 5>And I said Janna and I'm a horrible liar. And

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<v Speaker 5>he's like, what's she calling about?

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<v Speaker 2>Bailey? And I said, oh, and.

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<v Speaker 5>I just got really hot and sweaty, and he's like what,

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<v Speaker 5>And I was like, it's just a mom thing.

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<v Speaker 2>Is really funny.

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<v Speaker 5>There's this guy the check out and he's like really,

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<v Speaker 5>and I'm like, don't worry, instacar. It's not like that's

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<v Speaker 5>a problem for me.

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<v Speaker 1>High school boy.

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<v Speaker 2>He was so college, don't be a creepy. I don't really.

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<v Speaker 3>No.

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<v Speaker 2>I was just we were just having a day and

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<v Speaker 2>so and so I called her and I was while

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<v Speaker 2>I was in the check and I just felt so ugly.

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<v Speaker 2>I felt so mom and just like you know, just

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<v Speaker 2>I just like front the old sweatshirt and then there's

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<v Speaker 2>a sweet Bailey, Hey, ma'am, make ready to check out,

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<v Speaker 2>and I was just like, you're so cute, and you know,

0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:45.240
<v Speaker 2>he just was like so kind and so sweet and

0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:46.719
<v Speaker 2>just he was just like, I hope you have a

0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:52.080
<v Speaker 2>beautiful day. And I was just like, you're beautiful. Man.

0:10:52.240 --> 0:10:54.920
<v Speaker 5>One more common, I'm gonna have to call security.

0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:56.720
<v Speaker 2>So then I called Kristen, was just like, hey, if

0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:58.160
<v Speaker 2>you want a really good pick me up right now,

0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:00.559
<v Speaker 2>like go to Whole Foods Aisle three. And I said,

0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:01.959
<v Speaker 2>did you hear my tires squealing out?

0:11:02.640 --> 0:11:03.440
<v Speaker 1>Did you go to Hold.

0:11:03.320 --> 0:11:04.920
<v Speaker 2>Foods right off? Do you tell?

0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:06.240
<v Speaker 1>And then you're gone?

0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:08.559
<v Speaker 2>I did tell Michael though, just in this in the

0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:10.680
<v Speaker 2>defense because I thought about that. I was like, man,

0:11:11.000 --> 0:11:13.360
<v Speaker 2>So I just called Kristen and I told her because

0:11:13.360 --> 0:11:15.920
<v Speaker 2>I'm like I would be upset. Well actually, but I

0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:17.800
<v Speaker 2>mean the family. He's like a high school college kid.

0:11:17.920 --> 0:11:19.640
<v Speaker 2>So I told told him. I was like, you know,

0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:23.280
<v Speaker 2>I still got it. I had a ma'am, ma'm, ma'am, ma'am.

0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:26.959
<v Speaker 2>Do you maybe I don't? I love you so much?

0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:30.640
<v Speaker 2>But if we're ma'am, you're right, but it maybe it?

0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:32.880
<v Speaker 2>Then okay, So to full circle this, it flashed me

0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:35.520
<v Speaker 2>back to then my high school sweetheart. So like for

0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:39.719
<v Speaker 2>tomorrow session, It's like, it's interesting the relationships that have

0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:44.559
<v Speaker 2>impacted us in our life. So or vision you walking

0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:48.960
<v Speaker 2>in with like a yearbook stack. Well this was when

0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:52.520
<v Speaker 2>I was, you know, thirteen, but no, it was. It's

0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:54.880
<v Speaker 2>so interesting because all the work that I've kind of

0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:59.000
<v Speaker 2>been doing this month, she it all goes obviously back

0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:01.880
<v Speaker 2>to like my dad issues, which again we're great now,

0:12:02.000 --> 0:12:05.560
<v Speaker 2>but it's just so funny how each relationship you still

0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:08.120
<v Speaker 2>bring a piece of that into each relationship. I brought

0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:10.800
<v Speaker 2>more than a piece. What did you brought? Like luggage?

0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:12.360
<v Speaker 5>And I was like, don't look behind the curtain, just

0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:14.240
<v Speaker 5>say yes to marry me and we'll talk about this later.

0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:16.199
<v Speaker 1>We'll deal with this in therapy later.

0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:19.559
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but anyways, sorry about my little rant. I love

0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:23.040
<v Speaker 2>your ma'am. Ma'am do you still have it? I don't know.

0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:25.520
<v Speaker 2>I think I got enough. Mam. He wants you to

0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:26.120
<v Speaker 2>pack his lunch.

0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:27.079
<v Speaker 1>There's a different.

0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:34.360
<v Speaker 2>But anyways, I've really enjoyed mom month, and as excited

0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:36.559
<v Speaker 2>as I am to go back to relationship talks, I

0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.480
<v Speaker 2>do think that we should get We should do at

0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.080
<v Speaker 2>least a once a month. My secret ballot right now

0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:46.000
<v Speaker 2>and we can all put our votes in. Sorry, Mike,

0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:48.920
<v Speaker 2>you're voted off the island. Off, Well, no, because one

0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:51.040
<v Speaker 2>so I did questions before I left, and then I

0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:52.960
<v Speaker 2>said ask questions and they said, can you and your

0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:56.839
<v Speaker 2>girls do a mom podcast all the time? And I

0:12:56.960 --> 0:13:04.000
<v Speaker 2>was just like, I yes, yeah, thousand percent best piece

0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:07.319
<v Speaker 2>of advice for a first time mama to be. So

0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:09.240
<v Speaker 2>I told them to send in some questions and that

0:13:09.440 --> 0:13:12.319
<v Speaker 2>was one. What do you think your best piece of

0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:12.880
<v Speaker 2>advice would be?

0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.200
<v Speaker 1>Mine would be scheduling. Scheduling what like getting the baby

0:13:17.200 --> 0:13:17.960
<v Speaker 1>on a schedule early?

0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.439
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, So someone asked when you talked about that,

0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:24.240
<v Speaker 2>how do you get someone them like, which schedule do you?

0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:26.400
<v Speaker 2>Because there's so many different sleeping schedules.

0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:30.959
<v Speaker 1>I think for you, I mean, I like the oh gosh,

0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:32.520
<v Speaker 1>I can't remember what it was called, but it's similar

0:13:32.559 --> 0:13:34.640
<v Speaker 1>to baby Wise, but not so strict. It was a

0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:37.000
<v Speaker 1>little bit less. Maybe furber I could be making that up.

0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:40.240
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure, but I just think the schedule in

0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.640
<v Speaker 1>general is what helps and just having that, you know,

0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:44.920
<v Speaker 1>set bedtime very important.

0:13:46.640 --> 0:13:49.920
<v Speaker 2>Sorry now I'm just laughing. I'm sorry. I just flashed

0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:51.840
<v Speaker 2>back to our group text between the three of us

0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:55.280
<v Speaker 2>and can we please we.

0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:55.640
<v Speaker 5>Need to.

0:13:57.400 --> 0:14:02.439
<v Speaker 2>Kristen sent a photo of well a video a video

0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.240
<v Speaker 2>and then Love pooped in her.

0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:11.160
<v Speaker 1>When she was in mom hell in the bathroom for

0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:11.760
<v Speaker 1>an hour.

0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:15.640
<v Speaker 2>I'm the number one girl. And then.

0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:19.960
<v Speaker 1>She yeah, because she went in the swim suation.

0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:25.280
<v Speaker 2>I was in we forget, Oh what a mess? Do

0:14:25.320 --> 0:14:26.840
<v Speaker 2>you want my advice? You want to talk about poop

0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:27.400
<v Speaker 2>and a swimsuit?

0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:27.920
<v Speaker 3>No?

0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:31.240
<v Speaker 2>But I agree with Catherine's I think schedule is very important.

0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:34.160
<v Speaker 2>I think babies need it. I think it's great. You

0:14:34.200 --> 0:14:36.760
<v Speaker 2>guys are both really good at that. We did baby Wise. Yeah,

0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.960
<v Speaker 2>but you also, like with your husband and stuff, that's

0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:42.840
<v Speaker 2>hard because he's on the road. That's hard to Yeah.

0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:46.680
<v Speaker 1>I just think that helps you your sanity. It does

0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:48.040
<v Speaker 1>help your help mom sanity.

0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:48.360
<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:52.560
<v Speaker 2>But I also think they are better adapted to the kids.

0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:53.800
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, you know what I mean.

0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:56.640
<v Speaker 2>But they know what to expect. Yeah. But we did

0:14:56.720 --> 0:14:58.840
<v Speaker 2>the every feed play What is it? I think it was.

0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:03.040
<v Speaker 2>I think it was baby Wise, play Place Sleep, Yeah,

0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:05.880
<v Speaker 2>something like that. But it did. It worked for Jolie,

0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:07.960
<v Speaker 2>it worked for jas like we were super obsessed with that.

0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:09.800
<v Speaker 2>What's your best piece of mom advice?

0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:13.560
<v Speaker 5>I actually got this advice from Jesse James Decker in

0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:14.680
<v Speaker 5>interview love.

0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:16.080
<v Speaker 2>This.

0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:18.160
<v Speaker 5>I read this while I was pregnant with lovebugs. This

0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:21.240
<v Speaker 5>had to be about four years ago, and Jesse said,

0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:24.800
<v Speaker 5>do one thing a day that makes you feel like yourself,

0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:29.040
<v Speaker 5>like you could be like I think for her, I

0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:30.560
<v Speaker 5>remember this example. I don't know if it was hers

0:15:30.640 --> 0:15:32.440
<v Speaker 5>or someone else that she cited, but she said, like,

0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:34.360
<v Speaker 5>she loves to wear lipstick and it makes her feel

0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:36.360
<v Speaker 5>like a person. So she was like, there was days

0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:39.840
<v Speaker 5>basically where she looked broke down and oversized sweatpants with

0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:41.720
<v Speaker 5>like dirty hair, but she would wear lipstick.

0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:44.440
<v Speaker 2>And so I kind of adopted that, and I did.

0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:47.000
<v Speaker 5>I was at home with love the first year a

0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.280
<v Speaker 5>lot alone, and I would like, for me, it was

0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:52.680
<v Speaker 5>curling my hair, and so I would just that seems

0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:54.800
<v Speaker 5>so silly, but it just made me feel like a person.

0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:58.200
<v Speaker 5>I never left the house. It just reminded me to like,

0:15:58.280 --> 0:15:59.720
<v Speaker 5>it made me feel pretty or something.

0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:00.400
<v Speaker 2>But I I liked.

0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:03.040
<v Speaker 5>She was like, whether it's a hot cup of coffee,

0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:06.080
<v Speaker 5>whether it's lipstick or reading a book, or just pick

0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:07.840
<v Speaker 5>one thing a day that you is attainable for you

0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:09.280
<v Speaker 5>to do that makes you feel like yourself. And that

0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:12.440
<v Speaker 5>saved me a lot of days. Silly had nothing to

0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:14.040
<v Speaker 5>do with the baby. But maybe that's why I helped.

0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:17.160
<v Speaker 2>No, I loved that. I think it helps probably postpart

0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:17.480
<v Speaker 2>him too.

0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:20.720
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, yeah, because I mean literally, just sitting in a

0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:22.720
<v Speaker 5>condo for like three hundred and sixty five days, it's

0:16:22.760 --> 0:16:24.160
<v Speaker 5>a little wears you out. Yeah.

0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.200
<v Speaker 2>I think my best piece of advice for a first

0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:32.520
<v Speaker 2>time mama to be is I remember the first two

0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:35.400
<v Speaker 2>weeks after having both kids, and remember how like, you know,

0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:38.000
<v Speaker 2>you just start crying for no reason. Oh yeah, not

0:16:38.120 --> 0:16:41.920
<v Speaker 2>to hold in that cry, let it out. It feels

0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:44.000
<v Speaker 2>so good. I remember the second time with Jace, I

0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:46.840
<v Speaker 2>was like, yeah, I don't know, it just felt gay,

0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:50.560
<v Speaker 2>like just embrace the ugliness of it all, because it

0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:53.600
<v Speaker 2>goes by so fast, too fast. Like I look at

0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:56.920
<v Speaker 2>Jason now and I'm just like, you're not a baby anymore.

0:16:59.040 --> 0:17:01.680
<v Speaker 2>How did you know you were to have kids? You

0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:03.600
<v Speaker 2>don't really.

0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:05.399
<v Speaker 6>For you?

0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:11.160
<v Speaker 2>Uh, I just I want it was so fast with us, Yeah,

0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:12.359
<v Speaker 2>I mean it was like.

0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.720
<v Speaker 5>But I will say, in previous relationships and in a

0:17:15.760 --> 0:17:18.119
<v Speaker 5>previous marriage, every time when someone would say when are

0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:19.880
<v Speaker 5>you guys gonna have kids because we had been together

0:17:19.960 --> 0:17:22.639
<v Speaker 5>so long, I would say I'm not ready yet. But

0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:25.600
<v Speaker 5>then when I met my person. It was fast, fast, fast,

0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:27.600
<v Speaker 5>and I was like, oh, I, I'm gonna have babies

0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:27.840
<v Speaker 5>with you?

0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:28.200
<v Speaker 6>Like it?

0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:32.560
<v Speaker 2>Just so that felt maybe when you feel like you

0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:33.320
<v Speaker 2>have a real partner.

0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:37.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, cap I wanted babies for so long.

0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:39.119
<v Speaker 2>It was just for me.

0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:41.119
<v Speaker 1>It was like, I'm married, when are we having babies?

0:17:41.920 --> 0:17:44.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? That's kind of same me too, Yeah, love me

0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:45.240
<v Speaker 2>some babies.

0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:47.040
<v Speaker 5>I always wanted babies. I just didn't want to raise

0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:51.600
<v Speaker 5>a husband and babies, understood. Yeah, So I actually would

0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:53.480
<v Speaker 5>like to say, if you feel like you could be

0:17:53.600 --> 0:17:56.399
<v Speaker 5>raising your husband and babies, this might not be the

0:17:56.440 --> 0:17:57.280
<v Speaker 5>time to have babies.

0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:00.679
<v Speaker 2>Sorry. One of the questions I just got was are

0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:05.840
<v Speaker 2>you ticklish? That's very interesting relevant to really going to

0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:08.280
<v Speaker 2>content that much as it is, just I didn't know

0:18:08.359 --> 0:18:10.680
<v Speaker 2>about Jane. Someone asked, how do you deal with the

0:18:10.720 --> 0:18:13.200
<v Speaker 2>anger of infertility and not being able to have babies?

0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:16.040
<v Speaker 2>Would you like to start with that?

0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:21.520
<v Speaker 5>Kristen, Well, we I always I carry a bit of

0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:25.159
<v Speaker 5>guilt at how easily we get pregnant because I have

0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:28.200
<v Speaker 5>a lot of friends that have dealt with infertility. But

0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:32.120
<v Speaker 5>we didn't always keep the babies, so we lost one

0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:36.760
<v Speaker 5>between our kids, and that was rather devastating for a

0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:39.159
<v Speaker 5>long time. That's actually when you and I got to

0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:41.160
<v Speaker 5>me in my brain. That's when you and I got

0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:43.200
<v Speaker 5>close because you were my first call when I pulled

0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:44.520
<v Speaker 5>out of the parking lot and I was like, I

0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:45.720
<v Speaker 5>don't know how to lose a baby.

0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:48.879
<v Speaker 2>What do you do with the anger?

0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:53.520
<v Speaker 5>Though? Because I think that piece is I wasn't actually

0:18:53.720 --> 0:18:57.320
<v Speaker 5>angry as much as I was sad. It didn't go

0:18:57.440 --> 0:19:00.400
<v Speaker 5>to anger to me until other people were in sensitive

0:19:00.480 --> 0:19:05.480
<v Speaker 5>to it. That's when I got angry, like just dumb comments,

0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:09.880
<v Speaker 5>just like like do you get annoying people like well,

0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:12.560
<v Speaker 5>at least you know, yeah, just anything. I just was like,

0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:15.800
<v Speaker 5>until you've walked it, you just don't know, you really don't.

0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:17.800
<v Speaker 2>So best just to say I'm sorry that you're going

0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:18.159
<v Speaker 2>through that.

0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:23.320
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I mean, anger is probably because there's some deep

0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:27.119
<v Speaker 5>healing that needs to be done. But again, like I

0:19:27.160 --> 0:19:29.320
<v Speaker 5>don't feel like I'm even fair. It's not fair for

0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:31.200
<v Speaker 5>me to even speak on that because we were able

0:19:31.240 --> 0:19:35.359
<v Speaker 5>to have babies, three pregnancies, two babies.

0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:39.400
<v Speaker 2>Do you usually go to sadness?

0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:40.159
<v Speaker 6>M h?

0:19:41.119 --> 0:19:43.439
<v Speaker 2>Where do you usually go when you're when you're upset?

0:19:45.320 --> 0:19:47.040
<v Speaker 2>Not upset, but I mean when you when you start

0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:49.399
<v Speaker 2>to feel something like, what is your first feeling?

0:19:51.119 --> 0:19:53.720
<v Speaker 1>That's a good question. I mean, I've never experienced something

0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:54.760
<v Speaker 1>as I'm.

0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:57.159
<v Speaker 2>Not even talking with day, just like any arguments with

0:19:57.840 --> 0:19:58.560
<v Speaker 2>with your husband.

0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:02.680
<v Speaker 1>I think I start out angry, but I cry when

0:20:02.680 --> 0:20:06.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm angry, sames I'm sad, which I don't think. I

0:20:07.000 --> 0:20:10.280
<v Speaker 1>really just think I'm so angry. I cry for whatever reason. Yeah,

0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:13.280
<v Speaker 1>but I usually start out angry and then go to

0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:15.160
<v Speaker 1>a sad place, I guess, but I start out with anger,

0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:17.200
<v Speaker 1>so I'm I mean, I don't know in that position

0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:19.960
<v Speaker 1>if I would have gone, you know, to anger first

0:20:20.080 --> 0:20:23.680
<v Speaker 1>or sadness, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, not been in

0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:25.480
<v Speaker 1>your shoes, so I know.

0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:27.280
<v Speaker 2>I was just when you when I was reading that,

0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:30.399
<v Speaker 2>I was just like, how anger? Because I think it

0:20:30.480 --> 0:20:32.879
<v Speaker 2>depends on the situation. But like I know when I

0:20:33.000 --> 0:20:37.520
<v Speaker 2>lost it was I go anger first. So I'm always

0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:39.280
<v Speaker 2>just like, how do you not go angry first? Because

0:20:39.280 --> 0:20:42.080
<v Speaker 2>I like, I want to do that more in my life. Yeah,

0:20:42.200 --> 0:20:44.360
<v Speaker 2>not go angry first. I'd like to go angry first

0:20:44.400 --> 0:20:46.680
<v Speaker 2>a little more, so maybe we can help each other. No, no, no, no, no, no,

0:20:47.040 --> 0:20:49.600
<v Speaker 2>I think it's better not because underneath the anger is

0:20:49.720 --> 0:20:51.800
<v Speaker 2>just hurt yea and pain and sad. I just get

0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:54.119
<v Speaker 2>straight to that. I guess I just skip that and

0:20:54.240 --> 0:20:57.520
<v Speaker 2>go straight to devastated. So that's the good news, guys.

0:20:58.880 --> 0:21:16.159
<v Speaker 2>Let's take a break. So update on the diapers. I

0:21:16.520 --> 0:21:20.959
<v Speaker 2>am keeping Jolie in pull ups at night because let

0:21:21.000 --> 0:21:24.000
<v Speaker 2>me say this, just to recap on the Joe Frost thing,

0:21:24.119 --> 0:21:26.080
<v Speaker 2>she came out of her room at least thirty times.

0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:28.520
<v Speaker 2>I was texting you girls like I'm about to lose

0:21:28.600 --> 0:21:31.320
<v Speaker 2>my mind, but I'm doing what she said and I

0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:35.240
<v Speaker 2>had the thing off too. So during all of that,

0:21:35.840 --> 0:21:38.040
<v Speaker 2>she then pees herself and it's like ten o'clock a night.

0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:42.560
<v Speaker 2>I'm just like, I cannot handle this, so I've put

0:21:42.600 --> 0:21:45.320
<v Speaker 2>a pull up on her, and but ever since then,

0:21:45.400 --> 0:21:47.520
<v Speaker 2>she has not gotten out of her bed. So for me,

0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:50.359
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, let's just do one thing at like one

0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:53.320
<v Speaker 2>when at a time, I'm like, I'm not pulling two

0:21:53.359 --> 0:21:56.119
<v Speaker 2>things off at once. But she has not gotten out

0:21:56.119 --> 0:21:56.480
<v Speaker 2>of her bed.

0:21:56.720 --> 0:21:57.439
<v Speaker 1>I'm so happy.

0:21:57.840 --> 0:22:03.159
<v Speaker 2>I mean, great job. It was from seven o'clock to

0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:07.600
<v Speaker 2>ten o'clock at night. I need bed. Yeah, And then

0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:09.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm like I'm like, like I would do it five

0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:11.280
<v Speaker 2>times and I say, Mike, yeah, I'm about to lose it,

0:22:11.560 --> 0:22:14.640
<v Speaker 2>like like you know, pass out like whatever, like high five,

0:22:15.000 --> 0:22:18.399
<v Speaker 2>tap out. And then he would do it and he's like,

0:22:18.400 --> 0:22:20.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm about to lose it. I was like, just don't

0:22:20.359 --> 0:22:22.760
<v Speaker 2>he was, He's he started to have He's a jolleye. Stop.

0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:25.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't give her any satisfaction,

0:22:25.800 --> 0:22:27.320
<v Speaker 2>pick her up, put her back in bed.

0:22:28.200 --> 0:22:28.400
<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

0:22:28.480 --> 0:22:31.280
<v Speaker 2>So was it just one night? Then one night she

0:22:31.359 --> 0:22:33.520
<v Speaker 2>said she's hours.

0:22:33.800 --> 0:22:37.280
<v Speaker 1>See if you listen for three hours but you did it,

0:22:37.480 --> 0:22:38.080
<v Speaker 1>isn't it worth it?

0:22:38.280 --> 0:22:39.680
<v Speaker 2>It's worth it now it is.

0:22:40.000 --> 0:22:41.960
<v Speaker 1>I feel really bad about giving you a shame about

0:22:42.000 --> 0:22:44.240
<v Speaker 1>the pull ups when you said and then she peter

0:22:44.320 --> 0:22:45.800
<v Speaker 1>her Oh god, I take it back.

0:22:45.840 --> 0:22:46.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry, she.

0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:48.520
<v Speaker 3>Is.

0:22:48.640 --> 0:22:50.520
<v Speaker 2>How is I love doing? Though? Okay, so.

0:22:52.000 --> 0:22:55.639
<v Speaker 5>Bless this little one. Uh Sunday, I was like, okay,

0:22:56.000 --> 0:22:58.880
<v Speaker 5>so no pull ups. I waited till I had reinforcements

0:22:58.920 --> 0:23:01.679
<v Speaker 5>at home, had dead dah and I was like, all right,

0:23:01.680 --> 0:23:02.719
<v Speaker 5>it's no pull up Sunday.

0:23:02.760 --> 0:23:05.000
<v Speaker 2>And this is how it goes. So pull ups ever,

0:23:05.119 --> 0:23:07.760
<v Speaker 2>moved out of the bathroom and at ten am she

0:23:07.840 --> 0:23:11.040
<v Speaker 2>starts holding her little booty outside of her little big

0:23:11.080 --> 0:23:14.520
<v Speaker 2>girl panties and she said, oh, I really got a poop.

0:23:14.600 --> 0:23:15.600
<v Speaker 2>I just need to pull up.

0:23:15.680 --> 0:23:17.680
<v Speaker 5>And this went on all day and I just kept

0:23:17.720 --> 0:23:19.479
<v Speaker 5>saying encouraging, like we can go to the potty at

0:23:19.480 --> 0:23:20.960
<v Speaker 5>any time. Let me know when you're ready to go

0:23:21.000 --> 0:23:23.200
<v Speaker 5>to the potty. So she's scared of it hitting the water.

0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:27.639
<v Speaker 5>This is early on traumatic and Air quotes experience for

0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:30.800
<v Speaker 5>her when she started peeing on the potty. Anyways, we

0:23:30.920 --> 0:23:32.840
<v Speaker 5>make it through Sunday. She does not have to she

0:23:32.960 --> 0:23:34.880
<v Speaker 5>will not poop, so she's just holding it all day.

0:23:36.000 --> 0:23:38.920
<v Speaker 5>Monday morning, here we go to swim and she's in

0:23:39.040 --> 0:23:43.480
<v Speaker 5>the sweetest little ballerina one piece and she's at swim

0:23:43.560 --> 0:23:46.159
<v Speaker 5>and I'm like, great, put her in swim with her

0:23:46.280 --> 0:23:49.320
<v Speaker 5>little instructor and I hit the treadmill for a minute

0:23:49.680 --> 0:23:52.440
<v Speaker 5>and then I get the call Lovely needs to go bathroom,

0:23:52.520 --> 0:23:54.600
<v Speaker 5>she needs to get. I get her out of the pool,

0:23:54.640 --> 0:23:57.680
<v Speaker 5>and she's walking over to me and she's like just weeping.

0:23:59.440 --> 0:24:02.639
<v Speaker 5>I'm afraid, I'm afraid I've already pooped in my in

0:24:02.720 --> 0:24:05.320
<v Speaker 5>my in my swimsuit. I'm afraid there's poop in my swimsuit.

0:24:05.359 --> 0:24:08.320
<v Speaker 5>And I'm like, bless your heart. So thank god there

0:24:08.400 --> 0:24:11.359
<v Speaker 5>was a ruffle kind of hid any disaster we had

0:24:11.359 --> 0:24:14.240
<v Speaker 5>as we trotted in the bathroom. Very dramatic, but I did.

0:24:14.640 --> 0:24:17.639
<v Speaker 5>I just told her, I said, you know, honestly happens.

0:24:17.760 --> 0:24:20.639
<v Speaker 5>Maybe that's maybe a mom came up with that, but

0:24:20.720 --> 0:24:22.320
<v Speaker 5>I was like, you know what, love this happens. We

0:24:22.359 --> 0:24:24.639
<v Speaker 5>went to the restroom. I did make her clean it.

0:24:24.720 --> 0:24:27.520
<v Speaker 2>Up, okay, how which is a big step because like

0:24:27.600 --> 0:24:31.160
<v Speaker 2>she's just disgusted with poopment in general, like she's such

0:24:31.160 --> 0:24:33.159
<v Speaker 2>a capricorn. So we I had her up.

0:24:33.240 --> 0:24:36.080
<v Speaker 5>We just kind of cleaned it up. She hasn't pooped

0:24:36.520 --> 0:24:42.080
<v Speaker 5>since that. She did one time. She does sleep in

0:24:42.080 --> 0:24:45.320
<v Speaker 5>a pull up overnight still, which I have no problem

0:24:45.359 --> 0:24:47.840
<v Speaker 5>with that art she said. I I just to do

0:24:48.040 --> 0:24:51.639
<v Speaker 5>that because Jolie's been potty trained since she was uh

0:24:51.960 --> 0:24:54.480
<v Speaker 5>two and a half. Yeah, for two she really rocked

0:24:54.520 --> 0:24:57.560
<v Speaker 5>in So but the night time, like I'm not getting

0:24:57.600 --> 0:24:58.760
<v Speaker 5>up in the middle of the night to body train,

0:24:58.840 --> 0:24:59.639
<v Speaker 5>Like I'm just not doing it.

0:24:59.720 --> 0:25:03.520
<v Speaker 1>She's everything, You're still, and I just think that if

0:25:03.560 --> 0:25:06.040
<v Speaker 1>they're dry for a certain amount of time, sure, that's

0:25:06.040 --> 0:25:07.040
<v Speaker 1>when I always took them away.

0:25:07.040 --> 0:25:09.359
<v Speaker 2>That was going to be my strategy when they were saying.

0:25:09.160 --> 0:25:11.640
<v Speaker 1>Them until they were dry, and then we just took them.

0:25:12.040 --> 0:25:12.880
<v Speaker 2>She got up in the morning.

0:25:12.960 --> 0:25:15.240
<v Speaker 1>But I mean there's some people that are in elementary

0:25:15.240 --> 0:25:16.800
<v Speaker 1>school that are still wearing them at night and they're

0:25:16.840 --> 0:25:17.160
<v Speaker 1>not dry.

0:25:17.359 --> 0:25:20.119
<v Speaker 2>Look, men still shirk their pants. So it does happen

0:25:20.560 --> 0:25:21.000
<v Speaker 2>until we.

0:25:21.040 --> 0:25:22.960
<v Speaker 1>Meet the right woman and they get us to stop

0:25:23.040 --> 0:25:23.320
<v Speaker 1>doing that.

0:25:24.800 --> 0:25:29.719
<v Speaker 2>I do see skid marks quite frequently on underwear, let

0:25:29.800 --> 0:25:32.399
<v Speaker 2>me tell you. Honestly, though, I feel like it's a

0:25:32.480 --> 0:25:35.200
<v Speaker 2>childhood trauma, like from seeing like dad skid marks. You know,

0:25:35.280 --> 0:25:37.520
<v Speaker 2>It's like I always just thought men pooped in their pants.

0:25:39.119 --> 0:25:39.439
<v Speaker 5>All right.

0:25:39.560 --> 0:25:43.520
<v Speaker 3>Tracy Crossley, you know Tracy Crossley from crossley dot com

0:25:43.640 --> 0:25:45.520
<v Speaker 3>and her podcast Dealing with It, an Apple podcast.

0:25:45.560 --> 0:25:46.200
<v Speaker 1>He's on the phone.

0:25:46.480 --> 0:25:51.639
<v Speaker 2>Oh yay, Tracy, Hello, thank you for breaking up our conversation.

0:25:51.800 --> 0:25:55.119
<v Speaker 2>We were just having super appreciate it. You are a

0:25:55.200 --> 0:25:57.880
<v Speaker 2>behavioral Oh god, I can't even say that word behavior.

0:25:58.000 --> 0:25:58.440
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god.

0:25:58.600 --> 0:25:59.080
<v Speaker 1>Behavior.

0:25:59.400 --> 0:26:04.200
<v Speaker 2>Behavior is that bad that I can't say that word.

0:26:04.560 --> 0:26:06.040
<v Speaker 2>She'll train you. Behavior.

0:26:06.320 --> 0:26:09.240
<v Speaker 6>It's a long word, it's multi syllable, so it's fine.

0:26:10.040 --> 0:26:14.280
<v Speaker 2>Your relationship expert and podcast host, you specialize in treating

0:26:14.320 --> 0:26:17.880
<v Speaker 2>individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns. Where have you been?

0:26:18.240 --> 0:26:19.680
<v Speaker 2>Where were you in my twenties? This is all I

0:26:19.760 --> 0:26:21.359
<v Speaker 2>have to say. I see you're about twenty years later

0:26:21.400 --> 0:26:22.520
<v Speaker 2>for me, Tracy, where are you been?

0:26:24.920 --> 0:26:26.120
<v Speaker 6>I got it? I understand.

0:26:27.440 --> 0:26:29.639
<v Speaker 2>What's the biggest pattern that you've seen to be the

0:26:29.720 --> 0:26:30.480
<v Speaker 2>biggest problem.

0:26:32.720 --> 0:26:35.000
<v Speaker 6>Uh, well, there's a couple of them. But the biggest

0:26:35.040 --> 0:26:38.480
<v Speaker 6>one is people are not authentic. And I know that's

0:26:38.520 --> 0:26:43.159
<v Speaker 6>a really general statement, but with not being authentic come secrets.

0:26:43.560 --> 0:26:47.720
<v Speaker 6>Becomes a problem with actually being emotionally intimate with another person,

0:26:47.880 --> 0:26:50.560
<v Speaker 6>because if you're not being yourself, who are you being?

0:26:50.760 --> 0:26:54.240
<v Speaker 6>And you're not attracting them to you, you're attracting them

0:26:54.359 --> 0:26:57.359
<v Speaker 6>to someone that you're you have a facade for. So,

0:26:58.400 --> 0:27:01.760
<v Speaker 6>but that's the biggest one, next to people not staying

0:27:01.760 --> 0:27:04.320
<v Speaker 6>in reality. A lot of people get into fantasy, like

0:27:04.400 --> 0:27:06.560
<v Speaker 6>on the first day, Oh this is fun, this person's

0:27:06.600 --> 0:27:10.199
<v Speaker 6>perfect or whatever idea they're coming up with, and they

0:27:10.280 --> 0:27:13.160
<v Speaker 6>start getting ahead and thinking about, oh wow, I want

0:27:13.160 --> 0:27:16.960
<v Speaker 6>to introduce he or sheet to my parents, and then

0:27:17.480 --> 0:27:19.960
<v Speaker 6>they're already way to hell out of the first date

0:27:20.000 --> 0:27:22.760
<v Speaker 6>and into fantasy. So it's always about staying in reality

0:27:23.359 --> 0:27:25.680
<v Speaker 6>and being yourself like, those are the two biggest things.

0:27:27.320 --> 0:27:30.240
<v Speaker 2>What about because I feel like in that moment it

0:27:30.440 --> 0:27:33.960
<v Speaker 2>is all perfect because it is so new, like staying

0:27:33.960 --> 0:27:36.840
<v Speaker 2>in that reality where it's like nothing has been tampered

0:27:37.080 --> 0:27:42.800
<v Speaker 2>or broken or lost or beginning, you know, because the

0:27:42.840 --> 0:27:45.720
<v Speaker 2>sweet beginning. So isn't that still kind of a reality

0:27:45.960 --> 0:27:46.840
<v Speaker 2>staying in that moment?

0:27:47.960 --> 0:27:49.080
<v Speaker 6>Or am I just really.

0:27:51.880 --> 0:27:52.159
<v Speaker 2>You are?

0:27:55.760 --> 0:27:58.800
<v Speaker 6>Well, it's great to have a spark, right, But it's

0:27:58.800 --> 0:28:01.040
<v Speaker 6>when you get carried away with the spark, because then

0:28:01.119 --> 0:28:06.120
<v Speaker 6>that's how you develop expectations and you're wanting those expectations

0:28:06.200 --> 0:28:08.880
<v Speaker 6>to remain. And what you're doing is, first of all,

0:28:08.920 --> 0:28:11.600
<v Speaker 6>you don't really know the person, right. It's what you're

0:28:11.800 --> 0:28:15.080
<v Speaker 6>picking up from what they're doing, and you're thinking, oh,

0:28:15.440 --> 0:28:18.320
<v Speaker 6>that hits my checklist. That sounds good, that sounds good,

0:28:18.440 --> 0:28:21.520
<v Speaker 6>that sounds good. But the reality of the person and

0:28:21.920 --> 0:28:26.440
<v Speaker 6>getting to know them and living with them, not literally

0:28:26.680 --> 0:28:29.280
<v Speaker 6>living with them, but living with them as far as

0:28:29.320 --> 0:28:30.960
<v Speaker 6>getting to know them and dating them and so on

0:28:31.040 --> 0:28:34.240
<v Speaker 6>and so forth, you find that, oh, wow, my expectations

0:28:34.280 --> 0:28:37.040
<v Speaker 6>are really out of whack compared to who this person

0:28:37.119 --> 0:28:39.640
<v Speaker 6>really is. So you know, at some point you're gonna

0:28:39.640 --> 0:28:40.960
<v Speaker 6>have to deal with the disappointment of that.

0:28:41.880 --> 0:28:44.080
<v Speaker 2>So I know you have that ten week boot camp.

0:28:45.000 --> 0:28:48.120
<v Speaker 2>It helps people, you know, with the dysfunctional yo yo

0:28:48.240 --> 0:28:53.280
<v Speaker 2>daters having you know, problems moving on from a past relationship.

0:28:54.880 --> 0:28:57.400
<v Speaker 2>Why do you think people hang on to relationships that

0:28:57.600 --> 0:28:58.680
<v Speaker 2>are not serving them?

0:29:00.600 --> 0:29:02.800
<v Speaker 6>Well, there's a couple of reasons, but one of the

0:29:03.080 --> 0:29:06.880
<v Speaker 6>biggest ones is to do with insecure attachment. So a

0:29:06.960 --> 0:29:09.480
<v Speaker 6>lot of people who I don't know, how much do

0:29:09.560 --> 0:29:11.080
<v Speaker 6>your listeners know about that?

0:29:12.880 --> 0:29:15.440
<v Speaker 2>We talk about our relationships a lot, So can you

0:29:15.520 --> 0:29:16.800
<v Speaker 2>tell us a little bit more of that about that?

0:29:18.360 --> 0:29:22.240
<v Speaker 6>Sure? Sure? So with insecure attachment, basically, as a child,

0:29:22.960 --> 0:29:26.080
<v Speaker 6>you either securely attached to your parents or you're insecurely

0:29:26.160 --> 0:29:30.200
<v Speaker 6>attached to your parents, meaning emotionally. So there were experiments

0:29:30.200 --> 0:29:35.040
<v Speaker 6>that were done in the early seventies by a psychologist

0:29:35.160 --> 0:29:37.760
<v Speaker 6>named Mary Ainsworth and it was called the Strange experiment,

0:29:37.960 --> 0:29:40.760
<v Speaker 6>And so it's where a parent would leave a child

0:29:40.960 --> 0:29:44.000
<v Speaker 6>and they would judge the child's reaction to the parent leaving.

0:29:44.680 --> 0:29:48.720
<v Speaker 6>So a lot of us who didn't necessarily emotionally bond

0:29:48.800 --> 0:29:52.440
<v Speaker 6>with our parents in a way where there's emotional intimacy

0:29:53.520 --> 0:29:57.320
<v Speaker 6>tend to come at relationships in a completely different way

0:29:57.480 --> 0:30:00.880
<v Speaker 6>than somebody who was securely attached to a parent. So,

0:30:01.480 --> 0:30:04.480
<v Speaker 6>as an example, let's say that you had a parent

0:30:04.520 --> 0:30:07.680
<v Speaker 6>who wasn't around very much, and so you would try

0:30:07.680 --> 0:30:10.400
<v Speaker 6>to be perfect or try to please them to get

0:30:10.440 --> 0:30:13.040
<v Speaker 6>their attention, and maybe you still didn't really get their

0:30:13.080 --> 0:30:16.840
<v Speaker 6>attention because they'd come home and they'd be preoccupied. So

0:30:17.480 --> 0:30:21.360
<v Speaker 6>you would be looking for somebody who is preoccupied. And

0:30:21.440 --> 0:30:23.040
<v Speaker 6>this is not a conscious thought, by the way, this

0:30:23.200 --> 0:30:28.040
<v Speaker 6>is totally subconscious autopilot. Okay, I'm looking for somebody who's

0:30:28.040 --> 0:30:29.840
<v Speaker 6>not really going to give me that attention. And then

0:30:29.880 --> 0:30:32.600
<v Speaker 6>the way I think I get love is by people

0:30:32.680 --> 0:30:35.320
<v Speaker 6>pleasing or trying to be perfect, which is also why

0:30:35.400 --> 0:30:38.880
<v Speaker 6>people have trouble being authentic when they first start dating.

0:30:41.680 --> 0:30:45.600
<v Speaker 2>I sorry, I just have to say, first of all,

0:30:45.600 --> 0:30:47.440
<v Speaker 2>there's a lot of head shaking going on in.

0:30:47.480 --> 0:30:51.560
<v Speaker 5>This room, a lot of nonverbal amen's happening over yours.

0:30:52.040 --> 0:30:55.360
<v Speaker 2>Also, I've never heard it, in all the years of

0:30:55.440 --> 0:30:59.520
<v Speaker 2>therapy and having experts come on, I've never heard it

0:31:00.440 --> 0:31:04.160
<v Speaker 2>said quite that way. And I feel like some somehow

0:31:04.200 --> 0:31:06.600
<v Speaker 2>that just kind of clicked because I know, I know,

0:31:06.840 --> 0:31:10.120
<v Speaker 2>like you know, all of us have you know, experiences

0:31:10.160 --> 0:31:12.360
<v Speaker 2>with our upbringing, and I've always been able to relay.

0:31:12.400 --> 0:31:14.600
<v Speaker 2>Oh that's probably why I do that. But with how

0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:17.280
<v Speaker 2>you phrased it, can you say that word again, that

0:31:18.560 --> 0:31:22.400
<v Speaker 2>in secure attachment? Yeah, that's a yeah. I love how

0:31:22.480 --> 0:31:24.360
<v Speaker 2>you put that, because that just was like, oh, that's

0:31:24.440 --> 0:31:26.040
<v Speaker 2>one thousand percent.

0:31:26.000 --> 0:31:29.000
<v Speaker 5>What it is was the most groundbreaking moment I've had

0:31:29.000 --> 0:31:31.640
<v Speaker 5>been non therapy therapy in my entire life.

0:31:31.840 --> 0:31:34.920
<v Speaker 2>One thousand percent. I could have used you two marriages ago.

0:31:35.360 --> 0:31:38.640
<v Speaker 2>Where have you been? Well?

0:31:38.960 --> 0:31:39.080
<v Speaker 4>Had?

0:31:39.240 --> 0:31:41.360
<v Speaker 6>I had to learn this in between my first and

0:31:41.480 --> 0:31:44.240
<v Speaker 6>second marriage. So yeah, and a lot of it was

0:31:44.320 --> 0:31:46.320
<v Speaker 6>my own journey. I mean I trained as a coach,

0:31:46.680 --> 0:31:49.880
<v Speaker 6>and I went to school and got my degree in psychology.

0:31:50.000 --> 0:31:53.800
<v Speaker 6>But yeah, none of this really prepared me for why

0:31:53.920 --> 0:31:56.320
<v Speaker 6>I felt the way I did and the struggles I

0:31:56.480 --> 0:32:00.480
<v Speaker 6>had in dating, relationships, being a single mom, all that stuff.

0:32:00.560 --> 0:32:04.760
<v Speaker 6>I mean that was my title. And I really didn't

0:32:04.760 --> 0:32:07.040
<v Speaker 6>even understand myself, Like I didn't understand why am I

0:32:07.080 --> 0:32:09.680
<v Speaker 6>picking these people? Why am I doing this? Why can't

0:32:09.720 --> 0:32:13.040
<v Speaker 6>I be real? What is so hard about asking somebody

0:32:13.080 --> 0:32:15.720
<v Speaker 6>a question? Well, if you're afraid they're going to abandon

0:32:15.800 --> 0:32:18.320
<v Speaker 6>you or think something was wrong with you, then you're

0:32:18.360 --> 0:32:21.080
<v Speaker 6>not going to ask the questions, right, Yeah.

0:32:20.960 --> 0:32:23.920
<v Speaker 2>And you're also yeah, one thousand percent. This is so crazy.

0:32:24.000 --> 0:32:26.720
<v Speaker 2>I feel like because I was just having so simplified

0:32:26.720 --> 0:32:28.480
<v Speaker 2>and I was just having this conversation. I was telling

0:32:28.560 --> 0:32:29.800
<v Speaker 2>Kat about it the other day in the car. I

0:32:29.920 --> 0:32:31.640
<v Speaker 2>was like, I know that we all know that like

0:32:31.760 --> 0:32:34.000
<v Speaker 2>my dad and you know those I'm not. I will

0:32:34.080 --> 0:32:35.680
<v Speaker 2>never blame my dad because I know that he was

0:32:35.920 --> 0:32:38.320
<v Speaker 2>brought up a certain way which led him to, you know,

0:32:38.720 --> 0:32:41.320
<v Speaker 2>be a parent a certain way to me. But you know,

0:32:41.640 --> 0:32:45.880
<v Speaker 2>I have learned that some ways of his you know,

0:32:45.960 --> 0:32:49.080
<v Speaker 2>of our of my upbringing was based on how he

0:32:49.120 --> 0:32:52.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, he handled the divorce and how he left

0:32:52.240 --> 0:32:54.600
<v Speaker 2>and had the affairs, and so that then made me

0:32:54.960 --> 0:32:57.000
<v Speaker 2>go off to do you know X, Y and Z.

0:32:57.200 --> 0:32:59.160
<v Speaker 2>But I so I've always known that my dad's like

0:32:59.200 --> 0:33:02.360
<v Speaker 2>affected my relations and chips because of the things that happen,

0:33:02.720 --> 0:33:07.160
<v Speaker 2>but I've never my therapist is trying to tell me

0:33:07.360 --> 0:33:09.800
<v Speaker 2>the other day where it's just like you've stayed in

0:33:09.920 --> 0:33:12.360
<v Speaker 2>certain things because you're or you've tried to be so

0:33:12.480 --> 0:33:15.000
<v Speaker 2>perfect because you're so afraid of that abandonment. But what

0:33:15.200 --> 0:33:18.840
<v Speaker 2>you just said makes it even clarifies it even more

0:33:18.920 --> 0:33:21.840
<v Speaker 2>to me with that insecure attachment.

0:33:22.720 --> 0:33:26.520
<v Speaker 6>Mm hmmm. Yeah, until I just skipped for I was

0:33:26.520 --> 0:33:29.160
<v Speaker 6>going to say, until I discovered it, I really had

0:33:29.200 --> 0:33:31.960
<v Speaker 6>no clue. And then here's this was a kicker. Okay,

0:33:32.920 --> 0:33:37.200
<v Speaker 6>So there's different labels under insecure attachment. I happened to

0:33:37.280 --> 0:33:41.440
<v Speaker 6>fall under anxious avoidant. Okay, so what the hell is that?

0:33:41.600 --> 0:33:41.719
<v Speaker 2>Right?

0:33:42.080 --> 0:33:46.000
<v Speaker 6>So anxious meaning I would have I would get into

0:33:46.080 --> 0:33:48.720
<v Speaker 6>these relationships with people like the yo yo ones and

0:33:49.760 --> 0:33:52.440
<v Speaker 6>where I call it breadcrumbing, right where you hit it

0:33:52.520 --> 0:33:55.280
<v Speaker 6>off at first, and you think everything's great and they're

0:33:55.320 --> 0:33:57.560
<v Speaker 6>making promises to you, and then all of a sudden

0:33:57.560 --> 0:33:59.200
<v Speaker 6>they do kind of like the fade out, and then

0:33:59.200 --> 0:34:02.160
<v Speaker 6>they show back up, right, but you're thinking, oh my god,

0:34:02.200 --> 0:34:06.720
<v Speaker 6>they're gone, I've ruined this relationship whatever, And they show

0:34:06.760 --> 0:34:09.640
<v Speaker 6>back up and you're back in it. And this can

0:34:09.719 --> 0:34:12.560
<v Speaker 6>go on for years, right, And so I kept going,

0:34:12.640 --> 0:34:14.359
<v Speaker 6>what the heck is my problem? But I had such

0:34:14.480 --> 0:34:19.000
<v Speaker 6>tremendous anxiety during it, and then this is this is

0:34:19.040 --> 0:34:22.080
<v Speaker 6>where I'm coming in with the avoidant. So then he

0:34:22.200 --> 0:34:25.960
<v Speaker 6>would kind of change and want to get closer, and

0:34:27.000 --> 0:34:29.160
<v Speaker 6>I became avoidant. Oh wait a minute, I don't have

0:34:29.239 --> 0:34:30.560
<v Speaker 6>time to see you, I don't want to talk to you.

0:34:30.600 --> 0:34:33.480
<v Speaker 6>I'm going to ignore you. I mean, so I was

0:34:33.680 --> 0:34:36.120
<v Speaker 6>both sides of the coin, and a lot of people

0:34:36.200 --> 0:34:38.439
<v Speaker 6>I help are both sides of the coin as well,

0:34:38.640 --> 0:34:43.000
<v Speaker 6>going between anxiety and avoiding and meeting people who would

0:34:43.000 --> 0:34:45.239
<v Speaker 6>be healthy and that would give you anxiety like, oh

0:34:45.320 --> 0:34:48.439
<v Speaker 6>my god, I'm feeling engulfed. Oh God, I get away

0:34:48.440 --> 0:34:50.680
<v Speaker 6>from me. You know, I don't want anything to do

0:34:50.800 --> 0:34:50.960
<v Speaker 6>with you.

0:34:51.400 --> 0:34:53.360
<v Speaker 1>So yeah, well why is that?

0:34:53.880 --> 0:34:58.600
<v Speaker 2>Because I know with relationships, you know, the guys that

0:34:58.719 --> 0:35:01.839
<v Speaker 2>actually might have been the best for you, you don't

0:35:01.880 --> 0:35:04.960
<v Speaker 2>want because it's that they're too nice, or I feel

0:35:05.000 --> 0:35:08.680
<v Speaker 2>too smothered, or you know, they don't have that bad boy,

0:35:09.920 --> 0:35:11.800
<v Speaker 2>but you know that they'd probably be a great husband

0:35:11.880 --> 0:35:13.200
<v Speaker 2>and they wouldn't never hurt you.

0:35:15.360 --> 0:35:18.600
<v Speaker 6>Why because there's a few there's there's okay, so there's like,

0:35:18.840 --> 0:35:20.759
<v Speaker 6>there are so many reasons why. So first of all,

0:35:21.400 --> 0:35:25.000
<v Speaker 6>remember the subconscious wiring here, right, So if you don't

0:35:25.120 --> 0:35:27.920
<v Speaker 6>have to work hard, like you don't have to be perfect,

0:35:28.040 --> 0:35:30.160
<v Speaker 6>you don't have to be a people pleaser, you don't

0:35:30.200 --> 0:35:33.600
<v Speaker 6>know what the heck to do with yourself. So oh

0:35:33.719 --> 0:35:35.960
<v Speaker 6>I gotta be me, and so you're not you're not

0:35:36.120 --> 0:35:40.520
<v Speaker 6>performing the drama we are used to having drama because

0:35:40.560 --> 0:35:44.200
<v Speaker 6>that is drama, and drama doesn't necessarily mean yelling and screaming.

0:35:44.600 --> 0:35:48.879
<v Speaker 6>Drama means these heightened emotions, right of am I gonna

0:35:49.200 --> 0:35:51.839
<v Speaker 6>have my dad hug me today? Or my dad gonna

0:35:51.840 --> 0:35:54.719
<v Speaker 6>stop watching TV and actually pay attention to me? You know?

0:35:55.040 --> 0:35:59.239
<v Speaker 6>Is my dad going to critique me? Whatever? So as

0:35:59.400 --> 0:36:02.960
<v Speaker 6>an adult, we are still caught up in those patterns.

0:36:03.040 --> 0:36:06.520
<v Speaker 6>And when you meet somebody who's open and available and

0:36:06.920 --> 0:36:09.360
<v Speaker 6>you don't have to dance around like that, it feels

0:36:09.920 --> 0:36:13.920
<v Speaker 6>like it's boring for one. I mean, that's when you're

0:36:13.960 --> 0:36:15.799
<v Speaker 6>coming out of this, right you can feel like, oh,

0:36:15.840 --> 0:36:18.480
<v Speaker 6>this is boring, there's no spark. But the spark we're

0:36:18.520 --> 0:36:22.120
<v Speaker 6>looking for is that intensity that makes us actually feel

0:36:22.160 --> 0:36:26.200
<v Speaker 6>our feelings. Because what we really don't realize through all

0:36:26.239 --> 0:36:28.759
<v Speaker 6>of this with the insecure attachment, is that we're really

0:36:28.840 --> 0:36:32.200
<v Speaker 6>pretty numb to our own feelings. Like we know our reactions, right,

0:36:32.280 --> 0:36:35.839
<v Speaker 6>we know if we're mad, sad, whatever, but we don't

0:36:35.920 --> 0:36:38.839
<v Speaker 6>know the deeper feelings because we're cut off from them.

0:36:38.960 --> 0:36:41.320
<v Speaker 6>And so when you meet somebody and you have that

0:36:41.400 --> 0:36:44.279
<v Speaker 6>chemistry and it's all that excitement and they're a bad boy.

0:36:44.880 --> 0:36:47.560
<v Speaker 6>Then it's that constant drama. It's like watching a movie,

0:36:47.760 --> 0:36:50.640
<v Speaker 6>right and you're just going along with the plot. But

0:36:50.800 --> 0:36:53.000
<v Speaker 6>when you meet somebody and it's not that way, it's

0:36:53.000 --> 0:36:54.360
<v Speaker 6>almost like you really just don't know what to do

0:36:54.440 --> 0:36:58.920
<v Speaker 6>with yourself. So that's why to me it was really hard,

0:36:59.040 --> 0:37:01.040
<v Speaker 6>Like I wanted to get in a healthy relationship, and

0:37:01.160 --> 0:37:05.080
<v Speaker 6>so I really had to go okay, trace you got

0:37:05.200 --> 0:37:07.279
<v Speaker 6>to deal with all this intensity. You've got to deal

0:37:07.360 --> 0:37:09.200
<v Speaker 6>with the fact that you don't know how you feel

0:37:09.440 --> 0:37:12.880
<v Speaker 6>on a deeper level and what drives you to actually

0:37:13.000 --> 0:37:14.960
<v Speaker 6>be with people who can't give you what you want.

0:37:15.400 --> 0:37:17.600
<v Speaker 6>So there's a lot there. I mean, I could go

0:37:17.680 --> 0:37:19.880
<v Speaker 6>on and on and on for hours probably about just

0:37:20.000 --> 0:37:21.000
<v Speaker 6>that question if.

0:37:20.920 --> 0:37:23.320
<v Speaker 2>You're in the relationship though, you know, for the for

0:37:23.440 --> 0:37:26.400
<v Speaker 2>the married ones out there that have the pattern of this,

0:37:26.960 --> 0:37:32.560
<v Speaker 2>it can be such heightened emotions and you're also portraying

0:37:32.640 --> 0:37:34.640
<v Speaker 2>that they need to be perfect, but they're not perfect.

0:37:34.719 --> 0:37:37.680
<v Speaker 2>It's like, how do you walk through that season of

0:37:37.760 --> 0:37:39.760
<v Speaker 2>life to get to a healthier spot.

0:37:41.800 --> 0:37:44.320
<v Speaker 6>So you have to make a decision to want to

0:37:44.400 --> 0:37:48.160
<v Speaker 6>be a good partner to have a healthy relationship regardless

0:37:48.960 --> 0:37:52.160
<v Speaker 6>of your partner, Okay, because you can't control another person,

0:37:52.640 --> 0:37:54.880
<v Speaker 6>and a lot of us put well, I'm going to

0:37:55.000 --> 0:37:56.560
<v Speaker 6>change or I'm going to grow, but we put that

0:37:56.760 --> 0:37:59.160
<v Speaker 6>on the other person to have to do it with us.

0:37:59.800 --> 0:38:01.920
<v Speaker 6>It's a decision that you want to make to have

0:38:02.200 --> 0:38:05.320
<v Speaker 6>a sense of well being, right, and so what you

0:38:05.520 --> 0:38:07.000
<v Speaker 6>have to do is, first of all, you've got to

0:38:07.040 --> 0:38:11.759
<v Speaker 6>look at how much energy physical and emotional energy goes

0:38:11.920 --> 0:38:14.920
<v Speaker 6>out of my body trying to control or maintain this

0:38:15.080 --> 0:38:18.840
<v Speaker 6>relationship so that it's at least familiar to me. You know,

0:38:19.080 --> 0:38:21.080
<v Speaker 6>a lot of times we want change, but at the

0:38:21.120 --> 0:38:23.439
<v Speaker 6>same time we want to keep it familiar. So first

0:38:23.440 --> 0:38:25.399
<v Speaker 6>of all, you've got to realize what are the things

0:38:25.440 --> 0:38:28.840
<v Speaker 6>that I am doing to stay stuck in this place

0:38:28.920 --> 0:38:33.240
<v Speaker 6>with this person emotionally, and then you have to stop

0:38:33.360 --> 0:38:35.839
<v Speaker 6>doing those things. As an example, again, you know I'm

0:38:35.920 --> 0:38:40.240
<v Speaker 6>using people pleasing and perfectionism, but there's also problem solving.

0:38:40.640 --> 0:38:43.880
<v Speaker 6>How often in your relationship that doesn't feel great and

0:38:44.000 --> 0:38:47.680
<v Speaker 6>you're committed to are you looking for problems? Is your

0:38:47.719 --> 0:38:50.880
<v Speaker 6>focus on all the problems? Why is it on all

0:38:50.960 --> 0:38:54.480
<v Speaker 6>the problems? Well, that's a distraction from intimacy. You can't

0:38:54.520 --> 0:38:56.560
<v Speaker 6>be intimate with someone if you're always focusing on, well,

0:38:56.640 --> 0:38:59.600
<v Speaker 6>what's wrong, and then something gets solved, and then you're

0:38:59.640 --> 0:39:03.000
<v Speaker 6>focused on the next problem. So there's all sorts of things.

0:39:03.080 --> 0:39:05.920
<v Speaker 6>We tend to personalize our mates, We tend to assume

0:39:05.960 --> 0:39:08.839
<v Speaker 6>a lot about our mates, and it's to step out

0:39:08.880 --> 0:39:13.560
<v Speaker 6>of that and to really become emotionally present to what

0:39:13.840 --> 0:39:16.480
<v Speaker 6>is happening when you do what you do. This is

0:39:16.560 --> 0:39:19.000
<v Speaker 6>hard because most of the time we are on autopilots

0:39:19.320 --> 0:39:21.120
<v Speaker 6>ninety five percent of the day. We're just repeating the

0:39:21.160 --> 0:39:24.160
<v Speaker 6>same patterns, repeating the same things. And so to actually

0:39:24.640 --> 0:39:28.400
<v Speaker 6>develop some awareness about how you even interact in your

0:39:28.440 --> 0:39:32.520
<v Speaker 6>relationship and you stop blaming the other person for how

0:39:32.600 --> 0:39:35.040
<v Speaker 6>they are, you can make a big change right there,

0:39:35.200 --> 0:39:37.360
<v Speaker 6>just by taking responsibility and going, oh, you know what,

0:39:37.640 --> 0:39:40.640
<v Speaker 6>I didn't realize that I do that, that I keep

0:39:40.680 --> 0:39:44.160
<v Speaker 6>finding problems with my mate, right, I mean, how often

0:39:44.200 --> 0:39:44.719
<v Speaker 6>do we do that?

0:39:47.200 --> 0:39:47.399
<v Speaker 5>Yeah?

0:39:47.880 --> 0:39:50.160
<v Speaker 2>Often? But what if there are problems though?

0:39:51.480 --> 0:39:54.359
<v Speaker 6>You know Kate now and that's it, So that would

0:39:54.360 --> 0:39:59.000
<v Speaker 6>be different. You know, somebody has big problems in their relationship, Okay,

0:39:59.080 --> 0:40:02.600
<v Speaker 6>there is total dysfunction. They have to look at why

0:40:02.640 --> 0:40:05.120
<v Speaker 6>they're staying there. A lot of times we stay out

0:40:05.160 --> 0:40:08.560
<v Speaker 6>of fear. Sometimes we'll say, oh, it's the money, it's

0:40:08.640 --> 0:40:11.359
<v Speaker 6>the kids, But really it's a fear. It's a fear

0:40:11.400 --> 0:40:13.600
<v Speaker 6>of ending up alone. It's a fear because I don't

0:40:13.600 --> 0:40:15.920
<v Speaker 6>trust myself to make the right decision. What if I

0:40:16.040 --> 0:40:19.560
<v Speaker 6>leave and it was the wrong decision. So it's just

0:40:19.680 --> 0:40:21.719
<v Speaker 6>easier to blame your mate for all their faults and

0:40:21.800 --> 0:40:24.040
<v Speaker 6>everything wrong with them, and never look at yourself. You

0:40:24.160 --> 0:40:28.160
<v Speaker 6>still have to take yourself in hand and go what

0:40:28.360 --> 0:40:32.200
<v Speaker 6>am I doing? I am half of the relationship, so

0:40:32.239 --> 0:40:35.840
<v Speaker 6>I must be doing something. But it's to take yourself,

0:40:35.840 --> 0:40:37.839
<v Speaker 6>you know, to take yourself in hand and start making

0:40:37.880 --> 0:40:40.440
<v Speaker 6>the changes inside of you. You know, what do you

0:40:40.600 --> 0:40:44.640
<v Speaker 6>resist in the relationship? Meaning what are you fighting against

0:40:44.719 --> 0:40:47.440
<v Speaker 6>and struggling against all the time? That never changes?

0:40:48.360 --> 0:40:48.640
<v Speaker 3>You think?

0:40:48.800 --> 0:40:52.720
<v Speaker 2>Do you think change is a change is possible?

0:40:54.920 --> 0:40:56.480
<v Speaker 6>I've seen it. I mean I've been doing this for

0:40:56.560 --> 0:41:01.200
<v Speaker 6>twelve years and I have seen people chanting their relationships

0:41:01.320 --> 0:41:05.080
<v Speaker 6>for the better. But it usually takes both of them

0:41:05.160 --> 0:41:08.799
<v Speaker 6>wanting that. What I often find instead is that when

0:41:08.840 --> 0:41:11.120
<v Speaker 6>somebody starts working on themselves and they're getting to a

0:41:11.200 --> 0:41:14.560
<v Speaker 6>better place that there's a distance that even grows more

0:41:14.600 --> 0:41:18.359
<v Speaker 6>in the relationship. Now that might spurt the other person

0:41:18.400 --> 0:41:21.200
<v Speaker 6>who's not doing anything about themselves to start doing something.

0:41:21.840 --> 0:41:25.880
<v Speaker 6>But in all honesty, you really want someone that's motivated

0:41:26.040 --> 0:41:28.080
<v Speaker 6>to want to feel better and have their own sense

0:41:28.080 --> 0:41:31.520
<v Speaker 6>of wellbeing rather than a fear of losing you. Because

0:41:31.800 --> 0:41:35.440
<v Speaker 6>we're talking about love, and for some reason it seems

0:41:35.520 --> 0:41:39.279
<v Speaker 6>really romantic when we're making somebody fear losing us. But

0:41:39.360 --> 0:41:42.560
<v Speaker 6>that's not really romantic. That's about love. So as you

0:41:42.640 --> 0:41:45.320
<v Speaker 6>start to love yourself more and your mate decides to

0:41:45.680 --> 0:41:48.200
<v Speaker 6>cool you, guys might work it out. If you're the

0:41:48.239 --> 0:41:51.120
<v Speaker 6>only one doing it, it's probably going to be where

0:41:51.120 --> 0:41:53.560
<v Speaker 6>you work yourself out of the relationship over time.

0:41:54.280 --> 0:41:56.480
<v Speaker 2>How do you not put I totally agree with you

0:41:56.560 --> 0:42:01.640
<v Speaker 2>on that. How do you not put this where? I

0:42:01.760 --> 0:42:04.680
<v Speaker 2>know it's such a codependent way of thinking, but sometimes

0:42:04.880 --> 0:42:07.680
<v Speaker 2>in a lot of relationships I've been and even you know,

0:42:07.719 --> 0:42:11.320
<v Speaker 2>in my relationship with my husband, I'll say, well, you

0:42:11.400 --> 0:42:14.400
<v Speaker 2>don't make me happy, or this doesn't this doesn't make

0:42:14.440 --> 0:42:17.320
<v Speaker 2>me happy. So it's like I'm almost is that is

0:42:17.360 --> 0:42:21.520
<v Speaker 2>that just codependency? Because of course he can't make me happy,

0:42:21.920 --> 0:42:24.440
<v Speaker 2>or though his actions might not make me happy, but

0:42:25.440 --> 0:42:28.200
<v Speaker 2>I still I still am in control of that, aren't I.

0:42:29.920 --> 0:42:31.840
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, you are in control of that because if you

0:42:31.920 --> 0:42:34.800
<v Speaker 6>think about it, Okay, and this is a little off topic,

0:42:34.840 --> 0:42:37.680
<v Speaker 6>but it's an example. So let's say that you want

0:42:37.760 --> 0:42:41.799
<v Speaker 6>to throw somebody a surprise party, Okay, and the reason

0:42:41.880 --> 0:42:43.560
<v Speaker 6>you're doing it, of course, you want to do something

0:42:43.600 --> 0:42:46.000
<v Speaker 6>nice for your friend, let's say, but if you don't

0:42:46.040 --> 0:42:49.040
<v Speaker 6>have any joy in the process of putting the surprise

0:42:49.120 --> 0:42:53.040
<v Speaker 6>party together, then you're missing the boat, especially if your

0:42:53.200 --> 0:42:55.520
<v Speaker 6>friend has a bad reaction is like I don't like

0:42:55.600 --> 0:42:57.840
<v Speaker 6>surprise parties. Why'd you do the surprise party for me?

0:42:58.080 --> 0:42:58.239
<v Speaker 2>Right?

0:42:58.680 --> 0:43:00.239
<v Speaker 6>So here you are trying to do some thing you

0:43:00.320 --> 0:43:02.759
<v Speaker 6>think is going to make somebody happy, and they're like,

0:43:03.480 --> 0:43:07.600
<v Speaker 6>this doesn't make me happy. This really is embarrassing. I'm

0:43:07.800 --> 0:43:11.520
<v Speaker 6>so embarrassed. So it's the same thing in our relationships

0:43:11.680 --> 0:43:14.879
<v Speaker 6>where we tend to want to please the other person,

0:43:15.000 --> 0:43:18.040
<v Speaker 6>Like my husband does things to please me, and even

0:43:18.080 --> 0:43:20.719
<v Speaker 6>if I'm in a crappy mood, or let's say I'm

0:43:20.719 --> 0:43:23.200
<v Speaker 6>not happy in the moment, I do appreciate it, but

0:43:23.440 --> 0:43:26.239
<v Speaker 6>I know he can't make me happy and that's up

0:43:26.280 --> 0:43:31.319
<v Speaker 6>to me. And actually, actually in a relationship, it's such

0:43:31.360 --> 0:43:35.719
<v Speaker 6>a great opportunity to work on yourself because you recognize, oh,

0:43:36.400 --> 0:43:38.560
<v Speaker 6>my feelings aren't going to change unless I do something

0:43:38.600 --> 0:43:41.400
<v Speaker 6>about it. So it always comes back to you. And

0:43:41.480 --> 0:43:44.239
<v Speaker 6>if you have a partner like my partner, I feel

0:43:44.680 --> 0:43:48.680
<v Speaker 6>he's all about growing himself and I'm about growing myself.

0:43:48.880 --> 0:43:52.279
<v Speaker 6>So it works really well. I don't blame him for things.

0:43:52.360 --> 0:43:55.080
<v Speaker 6>I don't put things on him because I know in

0:43:55.160 --> 0:43:57.080
<v Speaker 6>the end, I'm still going to feel the same way.

0:43:57.400 --> 0:44:00.880
<v Speaker 6>I'm still going to feel like I feel whenever that is,

0:44:00.960 --> 0:44:03.719
<v Speaker 6>you know, like right now, tomorrow, it's still gonna be

0:44:03.760 --> 0:44:04.280
<v Speaker 6>my feelings.

0:44:06.160 --> 0:44:10.120
<v Speaker 5>Right, Okay, I have a question. I'm actually this is

0:44:10.239 --> 0:44:12.399
<v Speaker 5>actually asking for a friend, not a friend in the room.

0:44:12.440 --> 0:44:14.880
<v Speaker 5>But I have a girlfriend who is twice divorced and

0:44:14.960 --> 0:44:19.480
<v Speaker 5>has two little kids, and she stop talking about me while.

0:44:21.360 --> 0:44:22.960
<v Speaker 2>This is actually asking for a friend.

0:44:23.400 --> 0:44:26.160
<v Speaker 5>So the authenticity we talked that you talked about, like

0:44:26.320 --> 0:44:29.040
<v Speaker 5>at the very beginning of the relationship, she struggles sometimes

0:44:29.160 --> 0:44:35.480
<v Speaker 5>with when to like out herself as a twice divorced mother,

0:44:35.719 --> 0:44:38.040
<v Speaker 5>you know, like obviously she talks about her kids kind

0:44:38.040 --> 0:44:39.239
<v Speaker 5>of like straight out of the gate. But when it

0:44:39.280 --> 0:44:41.879
<v Speaker 5>comes to being married twice, I know there's some shame

0:44:41.920 --> 0:44:44.799
<v Speaker 5>attached to that for her a little bit. And then

0:44:45.200 --> 0:44:47.160
<v Speaker 5>when she tries to date, she's like, Okay, at what

0:44:47.280 --> 0:44:51.319
<v Speaker 5>point do I say, like, you know, to a lot

0:44:51.360 --> 0:44:55.200
<v Speaker 5>of men that feels like, you know, a girl's crazy

0:44:55.440 --> 0:44:58.040
<v Speaker 5>so and she's not. She's actually a beautiful human being.

0:44:58.160 --> 0:45:01.040
<v Speaker 5>She just has seen a lot more in men then

0:45:01.080 --> 0:45:04.719
<v Speaker 5>they even solve themselves kind of. But I'm wondering what

0:45:04.880 --> 0:45:07.800
<v Speaker 5>your advice would be for her when she's dating, and

0:45:07.920 --> 0:45:10.200
<v Speaker 5>when is maybe an appropriate time to say that, or

0:45:10.239 --> 0:45:12.920
<v Speaker 5>maybe it's not their business, or what is your I

0:45:13.040 --> 0:45:15.239
<v Speaker 5>really love you already and you've really cracked a lot

0:45:15.280 --> 0:45:15.880
<v Speaker 5>of things for me.

0:45:16.120 --> 0:45:22.000
<v Speaker 6>So okay, So of course this is going to sound crazy.

0:45:22.360 --> 0:45:26.279
<v Speaker 6>But first of all, she has to own the fact

0:45:26.360 --> 0:45:28.600
<v Speaker 6>that she's been married twice. You got to own it.

0:45:28.719 --> 0:45:30.759
<v Speaker 6>You got to say, you know what this is, this

0:45:30.920 --> 0:45:33.840
<v Speaker 6>is what's happened, and I got to own it. And

0:45:33.920 --> 0:45:36.160
<v Speaker 6>I've got to feel okay about it first. So if

0:45:36.200 --> 0:45:39.160
<v Speaker 6>you feel okay about something first, you don't really care

0:45:39.239 --> 0:45:41.759
<v Speaker 6>when you tell somebody. I would tell somebody right up front,

0:45:41.920 --> 0:45:44.879
<v Speaker 6>why because I don't want to go down the path

0:45:45.040 --> 0:45:47.560
<v Speaker 6>of Okay, well, maybe he'll like me enough and then

0:45:47.600 --> 0:45:49.800
<v Speaker 6>I can tell him at that point. But you're not

0:45:49.880 --> 0:45:52.640
<v Speaker 6>the Booby prize. You're still a prize. But if you

0:45:52.719 --> 0:45:55.040
<v Speaker 6>don't feel like you're the prize and that somebody is

0:45:55.120 --> 0:45:57.720
<v Speaker 6>taking you on, like, oh, you've been married twice, Okay, fine,

0:45:58.040 --> 0:46:01.279
<v Speaker 6>I'll take you. You know you'reamage goods or whatever it

0:46:01.400 --> 0:46:04.080
<v Speaker 6>is that you've attached to the whole idea of being

0:46:04.120 --> 0:46:08.399
<v Speaker 6>married twice. But it's really about saying, screw it, I've

0:46:08.440 --> 0:46:12.160
<v Speaker 6>been married twice. Oh well, you know, s happens. Things

0:46:12.200 --> 0:46:14.960
<v Speaker 6>happen in life, and here I am. I own it.

0:46:15.040 --> 0:46:18.040
<v Speaker 6>I take responsibility for what's happened in my life. And

0:46:18.120 --> 0:46:21.640
<v Speaker 6>when you come across like your own heroine, then it's

0:46:21.760 --> 0:46:24.239
<v Speaker 6>really about the guy who's going to have the confidence.

0:46:24.480 --> 0:46:26.440
<v Speaker 6>And that's what you want anyway, Like you don't want

0:46:26.440 --> 0:46:31.759
<v Speaker 6>to bamboozle somebody into being with you because they're deciding, oh, okay,

0:46:31.800 --> 0:46:33.520
<v Speaker 6>you've been married twice. I'll take you because of that,

0:46:33.920 --> 0:46:36.520
<v Speaker 6>and you're the Booby Prize. No, you want someone who

0:46:36.600 --> 0:46:40.040
<v Speaker 6>thinks that you're awesome no matter what, and the right

0:46:40.480 --> 0:46:42.560
<v Speaker 6>guy and not that there's just one right guy, by

0:46:42.560 --> 0:46:44.480
<v Speaker 6>the way, but the right guy or a guy that's

0:46:44.520 --> 0:46:47.279
<v Speaker 6>confident enough you're going to have a great relationship with.

0:46:47.400 --> 0:46:49.840
<v Speaker 6>You're going to have a relationship with someone who's actually

0:46:49.880 --> 0:46:52.440
<v Speaker 6>a partner rather than somebody who feels like they got

0:46:52.480 --> 0:46:55.080
<v Speaker 6>the leftovers, you know, like the day old bread or something.

0:46:55.800 --> 0:46:55.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:46:56.000 --> 0:46:58.759
<v Speaker 5>I like that's she's like a fiercely independent I mean,

0:46:58.800 --> 0:47:01.920
<v Speaker 5>she obviously is in't therapy. She's so strong and so good.

0:47:01.960 --> 0:47:03.800
<v Speaker 5>There's been a couple of times where she's kind of

0:47:03.840 --> 0:47:06.400
<v Speaker 5>immediately said those things, and I think she felt the

0:47:06.480 --> 0:47:09.680
<v Speaker 5>relief of the ownership of it, you know, just being

0:47:09.800 --> 0:47:13.000
<v Speaker 5>like this is it? Because she is so amazing, Like

0:47:13.160 --> 0:47:15.440
<v Speaker 5>I'd marry her. You know, she's a good she's a

0:47:15.560 --> 0:47:16.440
<v Speaker 5>really really great check.

0:47:16.480 --> 0:47:17.040
<v Speaker 2>She's a catch.

0:47:17.200 --> 0:47:20.719
<v Speaker 5>So I just know she would appreciate that insight a lot.

0:47:21.960 --> 0:47:24.800
<v Speaker 5>What is you not to get I have too personal

0:47:24.880 --> 0:47:27.800
<v Speaker 5>in your life? But what is your biggest struggle with

0:47:27.880 --> 0:47:28.480
<v Speaker 5>your husband? Now?

0:47:30.320 --> 0:47:32.400
<v Speaker 2>Not to get too personal? Take us into your bedroom.

0:47:32.560 --> 0:47:34.279
<v Speaker 1>I know, Oh my god.

0:47:34.400 --> 0:47:36.920
<v Speaker 6>I mean, well, if you listen to my podcast, you

0:47:36.960 --> 0:47:39.719
<v Speaker 6>would know that there's nothing really that I don't hold

0:47:39.800 --> 0:47:43.919
<v Speaker 6>back from. I would say, as far as my husband goes,

0:47:44.640 --> 0:47:48.040
<v Speaker 6>I don't know. I think my biggest struggle with myself

0:47:48.280 --> 0:47:51.080
<v Speaker 6>when it comes to my husband is more about my

0:47:51.280 --> 0:47:54.600
<v Speaker 6>own avoidancy. Right, So, like I said, it was an

0:47:54.640 --> 0:47:58.360
<v Speaker 6>anxious avoidant. And so there's times we're all fine. Like

0:47:58.520 --> 0:48:00.960
<v Speaker 6>I also can be kind of a alcoholic. Let's say

0:48:01.520 --> 0:48:04.840
<v Speaker 6>where I start putting up walls and I'll realize it

0:48:05.600 --> 0:48:07.680
<v Speaker 6>and I'll go, okay, Trace, this is how you used

0:48:07.680 --> 0:48:09.799
<v Speaker 6>to do relationships, right, You just get all on your

0:48:09.880 --> 0:48:13.719
<v Speaker 6>head and thinking about work or thinking about something and

0:48:13.840 --> 0:48:17.000
<v Speaker 6>be totally focused and checked out to my surroundings and

0:48:17.080 --> 0:48:19.440
<v Speaker 6>the fact that I have a relationship. And so what

0:48:19.520 --> 0:48:23.160
<v Speaker 6>I do now is I'll catch myself and it'll feel

0:48:23.239 --> 0:48:25.920
<v Speaker 6>hard because it should feel hard, and I'll be vulnerable,

0:48:26.200 --> 0:48:28.480
<v Speaker 6>and I will tell him. I always tell on myself,

0:48:28.520 --> 0:48:30.879
<v Speaker 6>you know what, this is what I'm doing. Or I'll

0:48:31.000 --> 0:48:33.600
<v Speaker 6>just go over and I'll hug him or crawl on

0:48:33.680 --> 0:48:36.640
<v Speaker 6>top of him or whatever, you know. I mean, I

0:48:36.840 --> 0:48:40.359
<v Speaker 6>will get closer to him rather than farther apart from him,

0:48:41.080 --> 0:48:43.680
<v Speaker 6>and that's great. And the I guess, you know, the

0:48:43.760 --> 0:48:47.360
<v Speaker 6>other struggle would be we both can be kind of introverted,

0:48:47.400 --> 0:48:52.000
<v Speaker 6>Like we're both like introvert extroverts. Right, so we can

0:48:52.080 --> 0:48:54.360
<v Speaker 6>both get caught up in our things and he'll be

0:48:54.440 --> 0:48:56.920
<v Speaker 6>quiet about stuff because he's not used to having somebody

0:48:57.120 --> 0:48:59.560
<v Speaker 6>who wants to hear about him, and I always want

0:48:59.560 --> 0:49:02.120
<v Speaker 6>to hear about him. So I would say for him,

0:49:02.440 --> 0:49:06.040
<v Speaker 6>it's opening up more, even though he's not really trying

0:49:06.080 --> 0:49:08.560
<v Speaker 6>to hide it. It's just like these old patterns that

0:49:08.680 --> 0:49:12.040
<v Speaker 6>we've had from past relationships, I think are the things

0:49:12.080 --> 0:49:14.600
<v Speaker 6>that sometimes get in the way. But we really do

0:49:14.800 --> 0:49:18.600
<v Speaker 6>have good communications, so that helps. And if we trigger

0:49:18.640 --> 0:49:22.160
<v Speaker 6>each other right where I'll say something and he gets upset,

0:49:22.920 --> 0:49:27.399
<v Speaker 6>we're pretty good about being in reality and going whoa,

0:49:27.440 --> 0:49:29.840
<v Speaker 6>wait a minute, Okay, that's my stuff and need to

0:49:30.000 --> 0:49:31.720
<v Speaker 6>I need to work on that. I need to figure

0:49:31.719 --> 0:49:34.200
<v Speaker 6>out why I'm triggered or why I want to strangle

0:49:34.239 --> 0:49:36.200
<v Speaker 6>you right now. I got to figure that out because

0:49:36.680 --> 0:49:38.399
<v Speaker 6>it really doesn't have anything to do with the moment,

0:49:38.480 --> 0:49:42.359
<v Speaker 6>because I can tell because I'm like totally reacting when

0:49:43.000 --> 0:49:46.280
<v Speaker 6>it's not even something that would have actually been anything

0:49:46.320 --> 0:49:48.640
<v Speaker 6>to react to in the first place. So stuff like that,

0:49:48.920 --> 0:49:49.480
<v Speaker 6>I mean, so.

0:49:49.600 --> 0:49:54.120
<v Speaker 2>Like reships aren't perfect, then my insecure attachments, little child

0:49:54.200 --> 0:49:57.800
<v Speaker 2>is saying, wait, so then really, not all relationships are perfect.

0:49:58.440 --> 0:50:00.760
<v Speaker 2>What d for entertainment?

0:50:00.920 --> 0:50:06.520
<v Speaker 6>Right, I know, not perfect, but you know what, here's

0:50:06.560 --> 0:50:10.560
<v Speaker 6>the thing. They can be safe. So most who have

0:50:10.600 --> 0:50:14.480
<v Speaker 6>insecure attachment, right, we're looking for safety. We're looking for security,

0:50:15.040 --> 0:50:17.720
<v Speaker 6>and a lot of times we think it's it's somebody.

0:50:18.040 --> 0:50:18.200
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:50:18.480 --> 0:50:20.440
<v Speaker 6>Again, we're doing all those things that we're used to

0:50:20.520 --> 0:50:23.160
<v Speaker 6>doing and they're reacting to it. That that makes us

0:50:23.200 --> 0:50:25.960
<v Speaker 6>feel safe, That that's temporary. Like there's a real feeling

0:50:26.000 --> 0:50:30.200
<v Speaker 6>of safety when you've done the inner work and then

0:50:30.239 --> 0:50:33.759
<v Speaker 6>you have somebody who's consistent, who's stable, or your relationship

0:50:34.080 --> 0:50:37.480
<v Speaker 6>excuse me, your relationship keeps progressing. You know, there's growth,

0:50:37.480 --> 0:50:41.600
<v Speaker 6>there's communication, you have those things working and it just

0:50:41.719 --> 0:50:45.520
<v Speaker 6>makes such a difference. And the thing with the inner child,

0:50:45.760 --> 0:50:48.840
<v Speaker 6>you know, that little kid, is that you start to

0:50:48.960 --> 0:50:51.799
<v Speaker 6>love her in a different way. Like I look at

0:50:51.840 --> 0:50:55.160
<v Speaker 6>it as though there are always things that I can

0:50:55.239 --> 0:50:57.480
<v Speaker 6>be aware of, and one of them is when I

0:50:57.560 --> 0:51:00.920
<v Speaker 6>disconnect from my own feelings. When you do that, you

0:51:01.040 --> 0:51:05.080
<v Speaker 6>disconnect from your inner child. When you are connected and

0:51:05.480 --> 0:51:08.120
<v Speaker 6>you're really relaxed in that and you're feeling all of

0:51:08.160 --> 0:51:12.600
<v Speaker 6>your feelings, you start to realize that whether it's you

0:51:12.640 --> 0:51:14.400
<v Speaker 6>as a little kid or you as an adult, you

0:51:14.560 --> 0:51:18.920
<v Speaker 6>actually feel really good. And that means in almost any situation,

0:51:19.760 --> 0:51:23.120
<v Speaker 6>and that sort of answers that need that the inner

0:51:23.239 --> 0:51:31.759
<v Speaker 6>child has because attachment, no, well, it can get better,

0:51:32.000 --> 0:51:34.600
<v Speaker 6>it can be resolved. It really can. Like I read

0:51:34.640 --> 0:51:36.480
<v Speaker 6>that book Attached, I don't know how many years ago

0:51:36.520 --> 0:51:40.399
<v Speaker 6>it was, and I and that's like the seminal book

0:51:40.560 --> 0:51:43.080
<v Speaker 6>about attachment. And right now I have a literary agent

0:51:43.080 --> 0:51:47.680
<v Speaker 6>who's shopping my book on attachment. So anyways, this book

0:51:48.200 --> 0:51:51.520
<v Speaker 6>says that people like me who are anxious avoidant, that

0:51:52.120 --> 0:51:55.080
<v Speaker 6>there's no way we're ever going to feel better. The

0:51:55.200 --> 0:51:56.960
<v Speaker 6>only way we'll feel better is if we find a

0:51:57.040 --> 0:51:58.560
<v Speaker 6>partner who make us feel better. And it kind of

0:51:58.560 --> 0:52:00.120
<v Speaker 6>pissed me off when I read that. I thought, you

0:52:00.200 --> 0:52:02.919
<v Speaker 6>know what, that's bs because I want to feel good

0:52:03.360 --> 0:52:06.840
<v Speaker 6>whether I'm in a relationship or not. So you know,

0:52:07.000 --> 0:52:11.640
<v Speaker 6>the insecure attachment can absolutely go away. It can absolutely

0:52:11.920 --> 0:52:15.279
<v Speaker 6>be taken care of. It's conditioning. It's not who you

0:52:15.440 --> 0:52:15.920
<v Speaker 6>really are.

0:52:18.640 --> 0:52:19.040
<v Speaker 1>That's good.

0:52:19.760 --> 0:52:21.040
<v Speaker 2>Do you do private sessions?

0:52:22.080 --> 0:52:23.640
<v Speaker 1>We got three people up for you.

0:52:24.239 --> 0:52:24.560
<v Speaker 5>Do you do?

0:52:26.800 --> 0:52:28.520
<v Speaker 2>What do you do for the next three hours?

0:52:32.600 --> 0:52:33.200
<v Speaker 6>I will get.

0:52:34.600 --> 0:52:39.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, okay, amazing. So you your podcast is deal with

0:52:39.400 --> 0:52:42.879
<v Speaker 2>It on Apple Podcasts. Everyone listened to her because she's

0:52:43.120 --> 0:52:46.360
<v Speaker 2>incredible and apparently you can do private sessions and I

0:52:46.360 --> 0:52:49.120
<v Speaker 2>will be going on her website. We will put it

0:52:49.239 --> 0:52:53.080
<v Speaker 2>on the bio. Thank you so much, Tracy for just

0:52:53.440 --> 0:52:56.920
<v Speaker 2>enlightening this entire room and giving us some some awesome knowledge.

0:52:57.360 --> 0:52:58.200
<v Speaker 2>We really appreciate it.

0:52:59.239 --> 0:53:01.080
<v Speaker 1>Thank you, Thank you for having me.

0:53:01.160 --> 0:53:02.480
<v Speaker 6>I love talking about this.

0:53:02.760 --> 0:53:05.520
<v Speaker 2>So I'll talk to you on behalf of me and

0:53:05.719 --> 0:53:06.120
<v Speaker 2>my husband.

0:53:07.719 --> 0:53:10.439
<v Speaker 6>Fine, Oh you are welcome, all right, you guys, bye

0:53:10.440 --> 0:53:11.120
<v Speaker 6>bye bye.

0:53:22.200 --> 0:53:26.120
<v Speaker 2>So we're all best friends with Tracy. I mean, she's great.

0:53:26.440 --> 0:53:28.880
<v Speaker 2>I just want to know more about that. She's secure

0:53:28.880 --> 0:53:31.839
<v Speaker 2>attach it so well. Something about the way she said

0:53:31.880 --> 0:53:34.160
<v Speaker 2>it was so I mean, that was just it blew

0:53:34.239 --> 0:53:36.320
<v Speaker 2>everything out of the water. We were all like it

0:53:36.440 --> 0:53:38.719
<v Speaker 2>was so clear to me. Yeah. And it's funny because I,

0:53:39.400 --> 0:53:41.680
<v Speaker 2>like Amy and I were just talking about this. Yeah,

0:53:41.680 --> 0:53:44.800
<v Speaker 2>well I was telling Catherine about it. But how she

0:53:45.000 --> 0:53:47.680
<v Speaker 2>just said it just made that even simpler, Like she

0:53:47.800 --> 0:53:50.840
<v Speaker 2>explained it even it made so much sense to me.

0:53:51.040 --> 0:53:52.879
<v Speaker 1>Here's the thing, though, I hear that can I say

0:53:52.920 --> 0:53:55.759
<v Speaker 1>this real fast? It gives me so much anxiety? Why

0:53:56.040 --> 0:54:00.359
<v Speaker 1>because it just makes me think about my kids. Oh yeah,

0:54:00.680 --> 0:54:02.520
<v Speaker 1>that's all I can think about when I because I

0:54:02.600 --> 0:54:03.320
<v Speaker 1>know what affects me.

0:54:03.480 --> 0:54:06.520
<v Speaker 2>But what I hear in that is secure attachment and

0:54:07.680 --> 0:54:09.560
<v Speaker 2>make a healthy adult. Right But how do you know?

0:54:09.800 --> 0:54:11.759
<v Speaker 5>So they just have to know that they're safe with

0:54:11.920 --> 0:54:13.959
<v Speaker 5>us and that we love them, and we talk about

0:54:14.040 --> 0:54:15.480
<v Speaker 5>things and we sort through things.

0:54:15.560 --> 0:54:19.560
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't have to be perfect. So like abandonment, like

0:54:19.800 --> 0:54:22.960
<v Speaker 2>even if you parents aren't together, like my dad could

0:54:23.000 --> 0:54:25.600
<v Speaker 2>have love you, dad, but like there could have been

0:54:25.640 --> 0:54:29.359
<v Speaker 2>a different way to not make me feel abandoned, which

0:54:29.640 --> 0:54:32.520
<v Speaker 2>then has my So my my insecure attachment is all

0:54:32.560 --> 0:54:34.840
<v Speaker 2>about I need to feel safe in a relationship. And

0:54:34.960 --> 0:54:37.759
<v Speaker 2>what doesn't I either flee or I cling tighter. Right,

0:54:38.800 --> 0:54:42.400
<v Speaker 2>So that's you know. But so then I okay, now

0:54:42.520 --> 0:54:44.640
<v Speaker 2>that we have this knowledge, which I don't think our

0:54:44.760 --> 0:54:47.600
<v Speaker 2>parents really had because my parents have worn to therapy.

0:54:47.800 --> 0:54:49.759
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean I had my issues with my mom too,

0:54:49.840 --> 0:54:52.120
<v Speaker 1>and I don't now as an adult, I don't think

0:54:53.040 --> 0:54:55.440
<v Speaker 1>it was purposeful. I don't sure she you know, but

0:54:55.520 --> 0:54:56.320
<v Speaker 1>that's what scares me.

0:54:56.480 --> 0:54:58.960
<v Speaker 2>Like now we're aware of that, but I don't, but

0:54:59.120 --> 0:55:01.719
<v Speaker 2>I don't think are then we're that in touch with

0:55:02.600 --> 0:55:05.120
<v Speaker 2>how this would affect us or or you know again,

0:55:05.239 --> 0:55:08.400
<v Speaker 2>like none of them I knew, no knew, no one

0:55:08.480 --> 0:55:09.440
<v Speaker 2>that went to therapy.

0:55:09.360 --> 0:55:10.000
<v Speaker 1>Right, that's true.

0:55:10.239 --> 0:55:12.000
<v Speaker 5>And I do think we're all so tuned into like

0:55:12.040 --> 0:55:13.400
<v Speaker 5>our kids and our fa I mean, I know the

0:55:13.440 --> 0:55:16.600
<v Speaker 5>way you guys mother and it's like we all three

0:55:16.680 --> 0:55:18.480
<v Speaker 5>have different styles of mothering, but at the core of

0:55:18.560 --> 0:55:21.439
<v Speaker 5>it is always wanting our little ones to feel heard

0:55:21.520 --> 0:55:22.560
<v Speaker 5>and loved and safe.

0:55:23.000 --> 0:55:25.279
<v Speaker 2>And I think that neat or that like, well, I

0:55:25.320 --> 0:55:26.880
<v Speaker 2>think what's scary to me is like.

0:55:27.440 --> 0:55:30.799
<v Speaker 1>We're in a business where it's constant and so you're

0:55:30.920 --> 0:55:33.920
<v Speaker 1>constantly working, whereas like my mom worked all the time,

0:55:34.080 --> 0:55:35.759
<v Speaker 1>she was out of the house, you know, right, and

0:55:35.840 --> 0:55:38.000
<v Speaker 1>when she came she was home, but she wasn't present.

0:55:38.160 --> 0:55:40.160
<v Speaker 1>She wasn't present when she was home. But it's like

0:55:40.280 --> 0:55:42.239
<v Speaker 1>finding that balance and how to make sure you're present

0:55:42.360 --> 0:55:44.479
<v Speaker 1>but still getting you know, but still working and still

0:55:44.480 --> 0:55:46.160
<v Speaker 1>you know, it's just all the all the things.

0:55:46.239 --> 0:55:48.719
<v Speaker 2>No, that's tough, and then like you said, we will

0:55:49.080 --> 0:55:52.040
<v Speaker 2>mess them up somehow, because it can be. I tell

0:55:52.120 --> 0:55:53.920
<v Speaker 2>Jolie probably too. I love you, I love you, I

0:55:53.960 --> 0:55:55.880
<v Speaker 2>love you, I love you, like every two frickin seconds

0:55:56.239 --> 0:55:58.960
<v Speaker 2>so if I keep because I'm wanting that love, that's

0:55:59.000 --> 0:56:01.600
<v Speaker 2>my own issues, but I portraying that on her to

0:56:01.719 --> 0:56:04.560
<v Speaker 2>get that love, so she's probably gonna have Maybe maybe

0:56:04.600 --> 0:56:07.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm screwing her up that way. I definitely love is

0:56:07.600 --> 0:56:10.200
<v Speaker 2>definitely going to therapy for opposite reasons I did. So

0:56:10.320 --> 0:56:14.440
<v Speaker 2>their application of my feelings on this poor thirty pounder

0:56:14.680 --> 0:56:16.400
<v Speaker 2>is like, I can't keep my mother happy.

0:56:16.680 --> 0:56:20.719
<v Speaker 5>She's like, why you need more validation? Okay, Oh love

0:56:20.800 --> 0:56:23.360
<v Speaker 5>her so much too much not to put the negative

0:56:23.400 --> 0:56:25.359
<v Speaker 5>part of it. No, but I mean that's a real

0:56:25.800 --> 0:56:28.239
<v Speaker 5>the reality, and I think that's it. But again we're

0:56:29.000 --> 0:56:32.400
<v Speaker 5>conscious of that. Yes, more, we're more like Christen, like

0:56:32.480 --> 0:56:37.120
<v Speaker 5>you said, we're more in tune to ways to be

0:56:37.239 --> 0:56:38.719
<v Speaker 5>careful of maybe not.

0:56:38.920 --> 0:56:41.279
<v Speaker 2>Screwing them up to a tea, which I think is

0:56:41.320 --> 0:56:41.759
<v Speaker 2>half the work.

0:56:41.840 --> 0:56:44.160
<v Speaker 1>Sure, just want to we can cheat on our private

0:56:44.320 --> 0:56:45.040
<v Speaker 1>like what we need to do.

0:56:45.200 --> 0:56:47.120
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, like in the next thirty minutes when we get

0:56:47.160 --> 0:56:51.480
<v Speaker 5>back on when they start knowing her for our private session.

0:56:51.520 --> 0:56:55.480
<v Speaker 2>Okay, let's read an email before we say goodbye. I

0:56:55.560 --> 0:56:56.720
<v Speaker 2>can't mom, January.

0:56:57.440 --> 0:56:59.320
<v Speaker 1>It's not happy from Alicia.

0:56:59.520 --> 0:57:02.239
<v Speaker 2>Help. I'm desperate. My husband and I have had a

0:57:02.280 --> 0:57:04.480
<v Speaker 2>lot of trust issues lately, and we've been trying to

0:57:04.520 --> 0:57:08.280
<v Speaker 2>work through them. A couple months ago, I found cocaine

0:57:08.400 --> 0:57:12.800
<v Speaker 2>in his wallet. He said it was a friends, and

0:57:12.880 --> 0:57:15.359
<v Speaker 2>I chose to believe him until I found some again later.

0:57:16.240 --> 0:57:18.600
<v Speaker 2>He said he was holding it for his friend, who

0:57:18.720 --> 0:57:21.840
<v Speaker 2>was hiding it from his wife. He said the friend

0:57:22.160 --> 0:57:25.880
<v Speaker 2>has done it around him, but he hasn't done it himself.

0:57:26.520 --> 0:57:28.240
<v Speaker 2>He knows I would not be okay, as we have

0:57:28.320 --> 0:57:30.960
<v Speaker 2>three children. Well now he's gotten smarter about where he

0:57:31.040 --> 0:57:34.640
<v Speaker 2>hides it, and I found four bags of it in

0:57:34.760 --> 0:57:37.720
<v Speaker 2>his car. He may be selling it, but I also

0:57:37.880 --> 0:57:40.320
<v Speaker 2>think he's doing it since addition to the bags of coke,

0:57:40.360 --> 0:57:43.600
<v Speaker 2>I found a folded picture frame and inside, Oh damn,

0:57:43.800 --> 0:57:47.280
<v Speaker 2>inside was a rolled up bill with coke clearly on

0:57:47.440 --> 0:57:51.040
<v Speaker 2>it and a credit card. I haven't confronted him because

0:57:51.080 --> 0:57:53.880
<v Speaker 2>I know he'll lie again. I'm confused and I love him,

0:57:54.040 --> 0:57:56.200
<v Speaker 2>but I worry if I can afford to keep our

0:57:56.280 --> 0:57:58.400
<v Speaker 2>home since we filed bankruptcy a few months ago.

0:57:59.520 --> 0:58:00.120
<v Speaker 1>Dang h.

0:58:04.400 --> 0:58:09.680
<v Speaker 2>So I'm sorry you're going through this. It's probably safe

0:58:09.800 --> 0:58:16.760
<v Speaker 2>to say from this email he's obviously not holding it

0:58:16.880 --> 0:58:21.000
<v Speaker 2>for a friend. It is his either way. Yeah, and

0:58:21.200 --> 0:58:23.520
<v Speaker 2>he might maybe he's selling it. I don't know, but

0:58:23.600 --> 0:58:26.800
<v Speaker 2>it's it's his cocaine. Whether he's I don't think he's

0:58:26.840 --> 0:58:28.439
<v Speaker 2>just holding it for a friend. That's like, hey, dude,

0:58:28.440 --> 0:58:29.920
<v Speaker 2>like my wife doesn't want this in the house, Like

0:58:30.080 --> 0:58:32.800
<v Speaker 2>there's so in high school anymore. So holding it for

0:58:32.840 --> 0:58:34.440
<v Speaker 2>a friend doesn't work. That's like what you say when

0:58:34.440 --> 0:58:36.400
<v Speaker 2>you're sixteen to get busted. So I need him to

0:58:36.440 --> 0:58:40.160
<v Speaker 2>get a little bit. Yeah, a little ownership either way

0:58:40.160 --> 0:58:45.160
<v Speaker 2>would be I the bankruptc I mean, because another side

0:58:45.280 --> 0:58:47.280
<v Speaker 2>is like, you know, is he maybe selling it because

0:58:47.320 --> 0:58:50.120
<v Speaker 2>they're going through some financial problems right now. Doesn't make

0:58:50.160 --> 0:58:53.360
<v Speaker 2>it okay at all, does not make it okay, especially

0:58:53.400 --> 0:58:56.680
<v Speaker 2>with them having three kids. But she needs to know. Yeah,

0:58:57.000 --> 0:59:03.920
<v Speaker 2>obviously though in my opinion, I one thousand percent that

0:59:04.040 --> 0:59:07.240
<v Speaker 2>it is his. That's what I think. I think if

0:59:07.280 --> 0:59:09.600
<v Speaker 2>he says comes up with a lie, that's just that's

0:59:12.120 --> 0:59:15.479
<v Speaker 2>for example, let me just I was dating someone because

0:59:15.520 --> 0:59:17.480
<v Speaker 2>I just I have friends that have done cocaine. I've

0:59:17.520 --> 0:59:20.040
<v Speaker 2>never touched cocaine. I've never touched a drug in my life,

0:59:20.200 --> 0:59:24.240
<v Speaker 2>haven't done it. But I remember I was dating a

0:59:24.320 --> 0:59:27.080
<v Speaker 2>guy and he would you know, He's like, I don't

0:59:27.120 --> 0:59:28.760
<v Speaker 2>do cocaine. I was like, okay. I was like, well

0:59:29.280 --> 0:59:30.480
<v Speaker 2>at that time, I was like, if you do, well,

0:59:30.520 --> 0:59:32.120
<v Speaker 2>you just tell me because I just for some I

0:59:32.240 --> 0:59:34.000
<v Speaker 2>just I just don't know, Like and I you know

0:59:34.160 --> 0:59:36.800
<v Speaker 2>what I'm kind of walking into. And he's like, yeah, absolutely,

0:59:37.520 --> 0:59:39.040
<v Speaker 2>He's like, but I don't do it. I'm like, okay.

0:59:39.680 --> 0:59:41.880
<v Speaker 2>So I remember I walked down the steps and I

0:59:42.040 --> 0:59:45.080
<v Speaker 2>hear him snorting in the bathroom and I walk in

0:59:45.280 --> 0:59:48.400
<v Speaker 2>and I'm and I clearly saw him snore a line

0:59:48.440 --> 0:59:52.800
<v Speaker 2>of cocaine and I go, what are you doing? And

0:59:52.920 --> 0:59:57.760
<v Speaker 2>he goes, I'm using Afron and I'm like, I just

0:59:58.000 --> 1:00:03.440
<v Speaker 2>saw you snort cocaine off the countertop, Like what do

1:00:03.520 --> 1:00:07.120
<v Speaker 2>you mean? And then but then he made me believe

1:00:07.920 --> 1:00:10.919
<v Speaker 2>that it was the Afron and that that's like you said,

1:00:11.000 --> 1:00:14.160
<v Speaker 2>it was the addict. And finally I was just like,

1:00:14.440 --> 1:00:18.520
<v Speaker 2>I can't be in this relationship, Like I even asked

1:00:18.560 --> 1:00:21.680
<v Speaker 2>you to be honest with me about it. Yeah. So,

1:00:21.800 --> 1:00:24.120
<v Speaker 2>and to me, this feels like this this might be

1:00:24.160 --> 1:00:27.960
<v Speaker 2>an addiction because of the and I brought that example

1:00:28.080 --> 1:00:30.160
<v Speaker 2>up to say that this might be an addiction because

1:00:30.240 --> 1:00:33.120
<v Speaker 2>of the constant lying, lying, yeah. The lying, Yeah, the

1:00:33.240 --> 1:00:36.680
<v Speaker 2>lying behavior and the not coming forward and continually finding it.

1:00:36.880 --> 1:00:42.720
<v Speaker 2>So I applaud you for not going to him yet,

1:00:42.720 --> 1:00:44.760
<v Speaker 2>but I think that you need to have a plan

1:00:44.920 --> 1:00:47.520
<v Speaker 2>in place for your kids, and a plan in place

1:00:47.680 --> 1:00:51.560
<v Speaker 2>to ask for help. If there's a family member you

1:00:51.600 --> 1:00:53.560
<v Speaker 2>can go to take the kids away. Like, I would

1:00:53.600 --> 1:00:56.880
<v Speaker 2>not confront him around the kids, right, we all agree

1:00:56.880 --> 1:00:59.120
<v Speaker 2>once to that, not confronting around the kids.

1:00:59.360 --> 1:01:01.000
<v Speaker 1>He needs help, he needs to go to therapy. But

1:01:01.040 --> 1:01:02.080
<v Speaker 1>then it's earth, Well it's money.

1:01:02.520 --> 1:01:05.720
<v Speaker 2>How expensive is rehab It's so expensive, so expensive. Well,

1:01:05.720 --> 1:01:09.360
<v Speaker 2>what he needs to do first is be honest. Yeah. Well,

1:01:09.400 --> 1:01:11.200
<v Speaker 2>and that's that's where I think he should take the

1:01:11.280 --> 1:01:13.600
<v Speaker 2>kids out. Kids have to be away. I grew up.

1:01:13.640 --> 1:01:18.360
<v Speaker 2>Put them out of this. Yeah addiction, dat addiction. Take

1:01:18.400 --> 1:01:19.680
<v Speaker 2>the kids out of the house. Yeah.

1:01:20.200 --> 1:01:22.480
<v Speaker 5>It seeps into them and they take on more than

1:01:22.520 --> 1:01:25.080
<v Speaker 5>they need to. So I love the fact that she's like,

1:01:25.160 --> 1:01:27.200
<v Speaker 5>I have three kids, and that she's like kind of

1:01:27.240 --> 1:01:28.360
<v Speaker 5>shielding them already from that.

1:01:29.120 --> 1:01:33.040
<v Speaker 2>Now I don't, And and then I would ask him

1:01:33.160 --> 1:01:36.320
<v Speaker 2>to go get help because clearly, whether it's in a

1:01:36.560 --> 1:01:40.360
<v Speaker 2>drug addiction or whatever, like he needs some therapy, some

1:01:40.480 --> 1:01:43.040
<v Speaker 2>help and y'all need like a good separation because I'm

1:01:43.080 --> 1:01:46.080
<v Speaker 2>not saying divorce him, But if he's not willing to

1:01:46.160 --> 1:01:48.600
<v Speaker 2>continue to get help and do better, then I don't

1:01:48.600 --> 1:01:51.439
<v Speaker 2>see then in my opinion, that's but I do think

1:01:52.960 --> 1:01:55.800
<v Speaker 2>he deserves the opportunity to try to change. Sure, I

1:01:55.920 --> 1:01:58.760
<v Speaker 2>do too, because I do believe I believe in change.

1:01:58.880 --> 1:01:59.280
<v Speaker 1>I do too.

1:01:59.440 --> 1:02:02.680
<v Speaker 2>But if he keeps messing up, then yeah, I just

1:02:02.760 --> 1:02:05.880
<v Speaker 2>as Yeah, we need to be some ownership there for sure,

1:02:06.120 --> 1:02:09.280
<v Speaker 2>take the kids out, do some therapy, good separation, yeah,

1:02:10.240 --> 1:02:13.160
<v Speaker 2>really ask for some and we just need to even

1:02:13.160 --> 1:02:14.440
<v Speaker 2>she doesn't even really know what she's dealing with.

1:02:15.160 --> 1:02:18.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's it's hard the bankrupt thing. Man, that doesn't

1:02:18.600 --> 1:02:20.360
<v Speaker 1>I hate to say that, but when there's not a

1:02:20.400 --> 1:02:23.240
<v Speaker 1>lot of money there, it's hard to not a lot

1:02:23.280 --> 1:02:25.560
<v Speaker 1>of money. But I mean it's expensive. But there are

1:02:25.680 --> 1:02:27.880
<v Speaker 1>some programs I think that you can get in that

1:02:30.200 --> 1:02:32.560
<v Speaker 1>I think that are like, you know, state funded or something.

1:02:32.640 --> 1:02:34.480
<v Speaker 1>There's got to be something out there where he can

1:02:34.560 --> 1:02:36.120
<v Speaker 1>go and get help that's not going to cost a

1:02:36.200 --> 1:02:36.640
<v Speaker 1>lot of money.

1:02:36.800 --> 1:02:39.760
<v Speaker 5>Every time I've taken a faithful step into some dark place,

1:02:39.880 --> 1:02:43.000
<v Speaker 5>I always feel like I've watched God provide for me,

1:02:43.200 --> 1:02:46.720
<v Speaker 5>so hm, I agreed. I know that may seem like

1:02:46.800 --> 1:02:48.920
<v Speaker 5>a very impossible thing to wrap your mind around, but

1:02:49.040 --> 1:02:51.800
<v Speaker 5>it's like, if you're taking a good step to protect

1:02:51.920 --> 1:02:54.520
<v Speaker 5>your children who are also God's children, and maybe make

1:02:54.560 --> 1:02:57.160
<v Speaker 5>another broken child healthy who happens to be your husband,

1:02:57.400 --> 1:02:59.560
<v Speaker 5>then I feel like at some point someone will present

1:02:59.600 --> 1:03:01.560
<v Speaker 5>themselves for a way to wiggle out of this, or

1:03:01.560 --> 1:03:02.560
<v Speaker 5>at least start the shift.

1:03:03.400 --> 1:03:03.800
<v Speaker 1>I love that.

1:03:03.960 --> 1:03:07.520
<v Speaker 2>Amenh three to one more from Misty expecting. My husband

1:03:07.520 --> 1:03:09.800
<v Speaker 2>and I are expecting our first child together in July.

1:03:09.880 --> 1:03:11.520
<v Speaker 2>As soon as we both found out, our reaction was

1:03:11.560 --> 1:03:13.439
<v Speaker 2>stress and panic. We need to get into a house,

1:03:13.560 --> 1:03:15.440
<v Speaker 2>but we have no money for one. Is it normal

1:03:15.680 --> 1:03:18.520
<v Speaker 2>to not be that happy or not happy at all

1:03:18.600 --> 1:03:20.920
<v Speaker 2>that I'm actually pregnant. Our entire family is stoked, but

1:03:21.000 --> 1:03:23.840
<v Speaker 2>we aren't. Any advice would be tremendously appreciated.

1:03:25.240 --> 1:03:26.600
<v Speaker 5>You do not have to live in a house to

1:03:26.640 --> 1:03:30.320
<v Speaker 5>have a baby, No, you don't. We lived in a condo,

1:03:31.800 --> 1:03:34.320
<v Speaker 5>Dave Ramsey says it. They actually take up the least

1:03:34.320 --> 1:03:36.280
<v Speaker 5>amount of space and all the stuff we put with

1:03:36.400 --> 1:03:39.720
<v Speaker 5>them is kind of like not real life, you know,

1:03:40.800 --> 1:03:42.480
<v Speaker 5>I just would I mean, we lived in a thousand

1:03:42.480 --> 1:03:44.320
<v Speaker 5>square feet and there was three of us and two dogs.

1:03:45.040 --> 1:03:47.080
<v Speaker 5>So I don't think you have to have a house.

1:03:47.240 --> 1:03:50.360
<v Speaker 5>There's something that we all think at first, we all

1:03:50.480 --> 1:03:51.000
<v Speaker 5>kind of panic.

1:03:51.080 --> 1:03:53.080
<v Speaker 2>I think I don't. I think there should be no

1:03:54.080 --> 1:03:57.760
<v Speaker 2>panic is normal? Yeah, because you're about to take one.

1:03:57.920 --> 1:03:59.080
<v Speaker 2>It's a lot of responsibility.

1:03:59.400 --> 1:04:00.280
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, yeah.

1:04:00.320 --> 1:04:02.720
<v Speaker 2>I don't think, especially if you weren't prepared for it.

1:04:03.680 --> 1:04:07.360
<v Speaker 2>Even if you are prepared for, you bad planning for Yeah.

1:04:07.840 --> 1:04:09.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah absolutely yeah.

1:04:09.400 --> 1:04:14.520
<v Speaker 5>And then not does she say not wanting it or no, No,

1:04:15.080 --> 1:04:16.760
<v Speaker 5>just that I think there was a lot of projected

1:04:16.960 --> 1:04:19.640
<v Speaker 5>like qualifications that she doesn't.

1:04:19.440 --> 1:04:23.200
<v Speaker 2>Have that unhappy, not happy. I think she should not

1:04:23.320 --> 1:04:25.160
<v Speaker 2>be putting so much because I think it's like you

1:04:25.280 --> 1:04:27.720
<v Speaker 2>have to be happy, you should be happy. It's like,

1:04:27.760 --> 1:04:29.600
<v Speaker 2>well that's what people say, but you might not be

1:04:29.800 --> 1:04:32.040
<v Speaker 2>in that moment. Like I remember after I Jace, I

1:04:32.120 --> 1:04:34.680
<v Speaker 2>was like, was I happier with Jolie when I was pregnant?

1:04:34.680 --> 1:04:34.800
<v Speaker 3>You know?

1:04:34.840 --> 1:04:38.160
<v Speaker 2>When I got right, It's like because you're you're trying

1:04:38.200 --> 1:04:39.800
<v Speaker 2>to compare and you're seeing what other people are doing,

1:04:39.880 --> 1:04:43.200
<v Speaker 2>It's like, just take your experience and just give yourself

1:04:43.240 --> 1:04:43.680
<v Speaker 2>some grace.

1:04:43.840 --> 1:04:46.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's too much pressure. Just feel the way that

1:04:46.240 --> 1:04:48.960
<v Speaker 1>you feel. Wait till the baby gets here. Yeah, you

1:04:49.040 --> 1:04:51.320
<v Speaker 1>were going you know you're going to feel differently once

1:04:51.400 --> 1:04:52.200
<v Speaker 1>the baby gets here.

1:04:52.520 --> 1:04:55.920
<v Speaker 5>Remember that people did this like in covered wagons. That

1:04:56.080 --> 1:04:58.200
<v Speaker 5>was my go to mantra for myself. Like, it doesn't

1:04:58.280 --> 1:05:00.800
<v Speaker 5>have to be a million gadgets a big house.

1:05:00.960 --> 1:05:01.280
<v Speaker 2>It could.

1:05:02.240 --> 1:05:04.840
<v Speaker 5>They really just like pajamas and their mama for a

1:05:04.880 --> 1:05:07.760
<v Speaker 5>really long time. Anyways, it's a lot of pressure taking

1:05:07.800 --> 1:05:10.400
<v Speaker 5>off me when I could simplify it, simplify.

1:05:10.000 --> 1:05:13.000
<v Speaker 2>That in my brain. All right, guys, I don't I

1:05:13.120 --> 1:05:17.280
<v Speaker 2>want to come to I get another email. I have

1:05:17.400 --> 1:05:21.000
<v Speaker 2>separation anxiety. We'll do this again, I promise.

1:05:21.000 --> 1:05:21.360
<v Speaker 3>I need you to.

1:05:21.480 --> 1:05:23.440
<v Speaker 2>Pinky swear's bring it up.

1:05:26.520 --> 1:05:26.880
<v Speaker 1>We'll do it.

1:05:27.160 --> 1:05:29.280
<v Speaker 2>Everyone love this. So we're gonna at least do at

1:05:29.400 --> 1:05:32.520
<v Speaker 2>least once a month. I will stick to that. We

1:05:32.560 --> 1:05:34.200
<v Speaker 2>will try our best to at Lisa once a month.

1:05:34.360 --> 1:05:38.480
<v Speaker 2>Mommy sign off, Mommy play how I Live Without you?

1:05:38.640 --> 1:05:38.800
<v Speaker 5>Now?

1:05:40.440 --> 1:05:44.760
<v Speaker 2>Okay, bye, guys, that was fun, Love you, thanks for

1:05:44.920 --> 1:05:47.720
<v Speaker 2>having me and mom January signing off