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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Jane Kramer and Michael Coffin and I'm

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Speaker 1: her radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Mom January and I'm alone, not all, I'm not alone.

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Speaker 2: Easton Tory. Are you there, We're here, We're from here, Easton.

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Speaker 2: You sound rough right now, buddy.

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Speaker 3: You know, I hear this thing about the man cold,

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Speaker 3: and I'm trying to stomp on that because I'm powering

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Speaker 3: through man and I'm getting my work done.

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Speaker 2: I feel like we could have a whole show about

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Speaker 2: the man flu. Does that mean that you're not enjoying

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Speaker 2: some good drinks lately?

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Speaker 3: You know, I'm still finding time to have a party.

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Speaker 3: You know, I'm feeling my wife is not sick, so

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Speaker 3: she's she's really kicking back lately.

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Speaker 2: Let me tell you, so, I've been having these Bachelor parties,

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Speaker 2: right because you know, with the whole like theme of

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Speaker 2: like Mom January. I don't know. I'm just like, this

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Speaker 2: is like let's all meet up and then watch the Bachelor.

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Speaker 2: So we've been doing that and it's been I really like,

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Speaker 2: I want to talk about the girls, but I mean,

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Speaker 2: I want to like keep the focus. But I I

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Speaker 2: have to tell you this is gonna sound so crazy,

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Speaker 2: but I feel like welly have my two girlfriends coming in.

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Speaker 2: They're going to be here any second. But I've been

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Speaker 2: telling a lie, oh because I know you want to

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Speaker 2: know about it.

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Speaker 3: I like actually do.

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Speaker 2: So like I'm because you know me, like I'm like

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Speaker 2: a red wine drinker, right, So I've been trying to

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Speaker 2: like spice things up a little bit for you know,

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Speaker 2: the the mom like Bachelor viewing or whatever. So I

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Speaker 2: don't know if anyone watches my Instagram, but I've I

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Speaker 2: posted about it probably like a month ago. It's did

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Speaker 2: you see it, toy? It's like the drink works.

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Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I saw that because you were like you

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Speaker 4: were sitting on that by your bar tender, right, I

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Speaker 4: mean your bar, yeah.

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Speaker 2: Like the barer counter and so yeah, so like Catherine,

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Speaker 2: who's one of the girls sitters gonna be here because

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Speaker 2: she's always just like you only drink wine, like you know,

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Speaker 2: and whenever we go somewhere, like you're never like having

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Speaker 2: like cocktails, And I was just like, well that's changing,

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Speaker 2: because honestly, the truth is, I never know how to

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Speaker 2: make them, which is why because I'm like, it's easy

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Speaker 2: to uncork a bottle, like it's the one is done,

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Speaker 2: it's a one and done. But when it comes to

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Speaker 2: like a margarita or like a Moscow mule, I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I don't even know like what like liquor goes in there,

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Speaker 2: because I'm not like baked on liquor. So I've done

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Speaker 2: this thing for Drink Works and it is the most

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Speaker 2: incredible thing I've ever had. I got to feel like

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Speaker 2: I'm like doing a spot for them right right, I

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Speaker 2: looking online right now. I'm like no, So they come

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Speaker 2: over and I'm like, cause, I just like trying to

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Speaker 2: spice it up this month a little bit, you know,

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Speaker 2: like I've been doing like a lot of work on myself.

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to like spice up my life. And so

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Speaker 2: I'm like, you know what, I love my red wine,

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Speaker 2: but I'm gonna try something new. And so when I

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Speaker 2: had the Drink Works thing, I was like, yes, So

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Speaker 2: I've been making these margaritas and you guys, it's been

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Speaker 2: like my biggest lie because they're like, how do you

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Speaker 2: make this? And I'm like, well, you know, it's just

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Speaker 2: a little bit of like this and that and right

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Speaker 2: and then I think I said, like, I don't even

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Speaker 2: remember what liquor I said, But Catherine totally ousted me.

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Speaker 2: She's like, that's not in a margarita and I was like, no, Like,

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Speaker 2: I'm totally out. So I had to show them what

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Speaker 2: it was. But I don't know. I'm just like, God,

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Speaker 2: this is totally this is crazy. But it's almost like

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Speaker 2: you know those pods. Yeah, they send you pods of

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Speaker 2: everything that's in, so that's liquor. It has the liquor

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Speaker 2: in it, and it also has the ingredients of what

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Speaker 2: comes in like a margarita, so you don't have to

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Speaker 2: buy aMule. You don't have to buy two separate pods necessarily.

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Speaker 2: It's like it's all in one. It's all in one.

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Speaker 2: So literally, you put the pod in the drink works

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Speaker 2: thing and you press the thing down and outcomes a

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Speaker 2: perfectly tasting margarita. It blows my mind. And I did

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Speaker 2: it to Mike the other day too. I was like, Hey,

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Speaker 2: how do you want a mask on Mule? And he

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Speaker 2: about fell over and I was like, no, no, baby,

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Speaker 2: is seriously do you want a mask on Mule? And

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Speaker 2: he was just like do you even know what that is?

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Speaker 2: And I was like, I'm about to rock your world, baby.

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Speaker 2: So I went into the bar and he like, obviously

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Speaker 2: forgot that I have this amazing thing in the bar,

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Speaker 2: and so I made him a drink and he was

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Speaker 2: just like, oh, it's drink Works, and I was like, yeah, honey,

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Speaker 2: but come on, give me like credit where credit is due.

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Speaker 2: But no, it's awesome. It comes with the liquor in it,

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Speaker 2: the one pod, all the stuff, so it's awesome anyway.

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Speaker 2: So I just you know, if anyone's having any parties

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Speaker 2: out there, I would definitely suggest trying to get the

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Speaker 2: Drink Works.

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Speaker 4: I mean, with all these award shows coming up, it's

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Speaker 4: literally the perfect thing because then you're not stuck behind

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Speaker 4: the bar all night long, so it's perfect. They have

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Speaker 4: like a Cosmopolitan, margarita, Sangria Moscow mule, my tie.

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Speaker 2: I don't even know what's in my tie exactly. So

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Speaker 2: I get what you're saying.

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Speaker 4: Why it's so easy You just put it in and

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Speaker 4: then it's perfect because then while you're judging everybody's outfits,

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Speaker 4: being like that's great, who wore.

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Speaker 2: It best, and you're just drinking your drink.

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Speaker 4: And I can't believe Jana just said she's moving on

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Speaker 4: from wine.

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Speaker 2: I'm not moving on. I'm just now expanding because now

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Speaker 2: I don't have to. I don't need to know what's

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Speaker 2: in it because it's pre made for me. So thank you.

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Speaker 2: So I just like this is this is like my

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Speaker 2: shout out to Drink Works to say thank you for

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Speaker 2: not only you know, making super Bowl and everything looking

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Speaker 2: great soon. I appreciate you. Yeah, I was gonna ask you.

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Speaker 4: Also, nothing's worse than a strong drink. You know when

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Speaker 4: people don't have the portions correct?

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Speaker 2: Do you feel like fi thousand percent?

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like it's perfect?

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Speaker 2: I'm not the kidding with you, Tori. It's the it's

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Speaker 2: the coolest thing ever. I mean, it's it's like a

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Speaker 2: cure rig but with the pod, it's just it's it

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Speaker 2: has everything measured in there. It's fantastic, I know. So

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Speaker 2: just give it a ring. All you have to do

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Speaker 2: is be red carpet ready the Drink Works Home bar

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Speaker 2: By Kerri. Get one now on drinkworks dot com and

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Speaker 2: please enjoy responsibly. Oh my ladies are walking in perfect timing.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it's the end of an era and

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Speaker 2: it's really making me sad. I have closure issues to

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Speaker 2: see end. Well, Mom, January is coming to an end.

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Speaker 1: Can't we just keep going?

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Speaker 2: Is this the launch of Mom February.

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Speaker 1: Did we just make something?

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Speaker 2: I don't want to break up you guys.

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Speaker 5: I was driving in today and I was like, I

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Speaker 5: really just don't want this to be over.

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Speaker 1: It's been really therapeutic.

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Speaker 2: I had like the.

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Speaker 5: Laguna Beach theme song playing in my head. It was

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Speaker 5: like very sad and graduation feeling.

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Speaker 2: What was the theme song?

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Speaker 5: I'm not a singer. There's only one of those in

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Speaker 5: this room. Don't make me do it, and it's Easton.

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Speaker 1: Crickets.

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Speaker 2: I'm pheready go. No, it's funny because I was I

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Speaker 2: think we should do a segment at least once a month.

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Speaker 2: I agree. I don't want to break up with you guys.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, no, this, yeah, yeah, this is.

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Speaker 2: How it went in high school too.

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Speaker 5: We took a break before we broke up because I

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Speaker 5: have like issues separating from people.

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Speaker 2: That's really funny. I'm going to go back to that.

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Speaker 2: But my therapist, so we've just been doing the month

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Speaker 2: of January besides you know Mom, you know Mom month

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Speaker 2: has been just like real deep in like therapy, and

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Speaker 2: so I probably didn't even know if I should say this,

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Speaker 2: but my therapist, you know, we're doing just kind of

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Speaker 2: all different kinds of work and like that one letter

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Speaker 2: that she made me write. But then she emailed me

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Speaker 2: today and was just like, hey, for our session tomorrow,

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Speaker 2: I'd like it if you brought a picture of your

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Speaker 2: father and then other men that you've been in relationships with.

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Speaker 2: I was like, it was like, define relationship. I was like,

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Speaker 2: because we're gonna have a rolodex here, like what do

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Speaker 2: you what are you thinking? So she's just like, she's like,

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Speaker 2: you're so funny. She's like, no, just men that have

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Speaker 2: impacted your life. And I was like, oh, this is good.

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Speaker 2: What is just second through the home run? That are

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Speaker 2: we talking like high school sweetheart to like you know

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Speaker 2: the you know? But she said here right, let me

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Speaker 2: just pull up the email because she was very specific

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Speaker 2: about it.

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Speaker 5: Man, we just went through this last night. I had

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Speaker 5: a girlfriend and I were talking about what relationships were

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Speaker 5: to men and what relationships are to girls.

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Speaker 2: This is really in alignment. No, That's why I said

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Speaker 2: define relationship because I've had there's there's been different relationships

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Speaker 2: and she goes, oh, yeah, this is our thing. Hi, Jane,

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Speaker 2: for our session tomorrow, please bring in a photo of

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Speaker 2: your father and each man you have been in a

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Speaker 2: relationship with She says, we're going to use these in

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Speaker 2: our work, thank you?

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Speaker 5: Is it like a lineup? Like I envision it to

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Speaker 5: be like pick one of these in a crime.

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Speaker 2: To which I said, amy, ha, define relationship and she

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Speaker 2: said she was okay, you are hilarious. And she goes

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Speaker 2: those relationships that you consider impactful in your life and

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Speaker 2: emotionally meaningful, good or bad. Again, we asked a fine relationship.

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Speaker 2: So it's like, what are you looking at?

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Speaker 1: I'm just looking at Oh she's.

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Speaker 2: Looking just doing a quick Google search, you know. I'm

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Speaker 2: just like, But then I started thinking about too, and

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Speaker 2: this is I'm going so all over the all over

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Speaker 2: the place. But some of these I don't really have

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Speaker 2: pictures of because I'm like, she'd just like bring my Instagram,

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Speaker 2: like google Google. Some maybe can't be googled, you know.

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Speaker 2: We hope not, actually, I hope. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: The Google lists are probably the most secure relationship we've had.

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Speaker 2: I just I'm a little nervous about it. The I'm like,

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Speaker 2: what is she gonna do you have like a type? No,

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Speaker 2: I mean it doesn't seem to me. Catherine's so funny.

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Speaker 2: I remember I called you the other day and I

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Speaker 2: was like, hey, if you want to go pick me up,

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Speaker 2: I'll three at Whole Food's real cute high school boy.

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Speaker 2: I remember his name. What's his name? Bailey?

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Speaker 3: Bailey?

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Speaker 2: I love you.

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Speaker 5: So I'm like, because I thought Bailey on the rocks.

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Speaker 5: So I hang up and press and goes who's that

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Speaker 5: And I said Janna and I'm a horrible liar. And

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Speaker 5: he's like, what's she calling about?

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Speaker 2: Bailey? And I said, oh, and.

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Speaker 5: I just got really hot and sweaty, and he's like what,

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Speaker 5: And I was like, it's just a mom thing.

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Speaker 2: Is really funny.

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Speaker 5: There's this guy the check out and he's like really,

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Speaker 5: and I'm like, don't worry, instacar. It's not like that's

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Speaker 5: a problem for me.

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Speaker 1: High school boy.

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Speaker 2: He was so college, don't be a creepy. I don't really.

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 2: I was just we were just having a day and

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Speaker 2: so and so I called her and I was while

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Speaker 2: I was in the check and I just felt so ugly.

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Speaker 2: I felt so mom and just like you know, just

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Speaker 2: I just like front the old sweatshirt and then there's

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Speaker 2: a sweet Bailey, Hey, ma'am, make ready to check out,

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Speaker 2: and I was just like, you're so cute, and you know,

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Speaker 2: he just was like so kind and so sweet and

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Speaker 2: just he was just like, I hope you have a

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Speaker 2: beautiful day. And I was just like, you're beautiful. Man.

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Speaker 5: One more common, I'm gonna have to call security.

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Speaker 2: So then I called Kristen, was just like, hey, if

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Speaker 2: you want a really good pick me up right now,

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Speaker 2: like go to Whole Foods Aisle three. And I said,

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Speaker 2: did you hear my tires squealing out?

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Speaker 1: Did you go to Hold.

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Speaker 2: Foods right off? Do you tell?

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Speaker 1: And then you're gone?

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Speaker 2: I did tell Michael though, just in this in the

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Speaker 2: defense because I thought about that. I was like, man,

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Speaker 2: So I just called Kristen and I told her because

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Speaker 2: I'm like I would be upset. Well actually, but I

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Speaker 2: mean the family. He's like a high school college kid.

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Speaker 2: So I told told him. I was like, you know,

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Speaker 2: I still got it. I had a ma'am, ma'm, ma'am, ma'am.

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Speaker 2: Do you maybe I don't? I love you so much?

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Speaker 2: But if we're ma'am, you're right, but it maybe it?

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Speaker 2: Then okay, So to full circle this, it flashed me

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Speaker 2: back to then my high school sweetheart. So like for

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Speaker 2: tomorrow session, It's like, it's interesting the relationships that have

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Speaker 2: impacted us in our life. So or vision you walking

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Speaker 2: in with like a yearbook stack. Well this was when

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Speaker 2: I was, you know, thirteen, but no, it was. It's

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Speaker 2: so interesting because all the work that I've kind of

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Speaker 2: been doing this month, she it all goes obviously back

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Speaker 2: to like my dad issues, which again we're great now,

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Speaker 2: but it's just so funny how each relationship you still

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Speaker 2: bring a piece of that into each relationship. I brought

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Speaker 2: more than a piece. What did you brought? Like luggage?

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Speaker 5: And I was like, don't look behind the curtain, just

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Speaker 5: say yes to marry me and we'll talk about this later.

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Speaker 1: We'll deal with this in therapy later.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but anyways, sorry about my little rant. I love

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Speaker 2: your ma'am. Ma'am do you still have it? I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I think I got enough. Mam. He wants you to

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Speaker 2: pack his lunch.

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Speaker 1: There's a different.

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Speaker 2: But anyways, I've really enjoyed mom month, and as excited

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Speaker 2: as I am to go back to relationship talks, I

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Speaker 2: do think that we should get We should do at

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Speaker 2: least a once a month. My secret ballot right now

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Speaker 2: and we can all put our votes in. Sorry, Mike,

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Speaker 2: you're voted off the island. Off, Well, no, because one

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Speaker 2: so I did questions before I left, and then I

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Speaker 2: said ask questions and they said, can you and your

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Speaker 2: girls do a mom podcast all the time? And I

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Speaker 2: was just like, I yes, yeah, thousand percent best piece

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Speaker 2: of advice for a first time mama to be. So

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Speaker 2: I told them to send in some questions and that

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Speaker 2: was one. What do you think your best piece of

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Speaker 2: advice would be?

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Speaker 1: Mine would be scheduling. Scheduling what like getting the baby

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Speaker 1: on a schedule early?

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, So someone asked when you talked about that,

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Speaker 2: how do you get someone them like, which schedule do you?

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Speaker 2: Because there's so many different sleeping schedules.

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Speaker 1: I think for you, I mean, I like the oh gosh,

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Speaker 1: I can't remember what it was called, but it's similar

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Speaker 1: to baby Wise, but not so strict. It was a

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Speaker 1: little bit less. Maybe furber I could be making that up.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure, but I just think the schedule in

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Speaker 1: general is what helps and just having that, you know,

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Speaker 1: set bedtime very important.

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Speaker 2: Sorry now I'm just laughing. I'm sorry. I just flashed

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Speaker 2: back to our group text between the three of us

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Speaker 2: and can we please we.

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Speaker 5: Need to.

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Speaker 2: Kristen sent a photo of well a video a video

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Speaker 2: and then Love pooped in her.

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Speaker 1: When she was in mom hell in the bathroom for

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Speaker 1: an hour.

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Speaker 2: I'm the number one girl. And then.

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Speaker 1: She yeah, because she went in the swim suation.

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Speaker 2: I was in we forget, Oh what a mess? Do

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Speaker 2: you want my advice? You want to talk about poop

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Speaker 2: and a swimsuit?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 2: But I agree with Catherine's I think schedule is very important.

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Speaker 2: I think babies need it. I think it's great. You

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Speaker 2: guys are both really good at that. We did baby Wise. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: but you also, like with your husband and stuff, that's

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Speaker 2: hard because he's on the road. That's hard to Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I just think that helps you your sanity. It does

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Speaker 1: help your help mom sanity.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: But I also think they are better adapted to the kids.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: But they know what to expect. Yeah. But we did

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Speaker 2: the every feed play What is it? I think it was.

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Speaker 2: I think it was baby Wise, play Place Sleep, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: something like that. But it did. It worked for Jolie,

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Speaker 2: it worked for jas like we were super obsessed with that.

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Speaker 2: What's your best piece of mom advice?

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Speaker 5: I actually got this advice from Jesse James Decker in

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Speaker 5: interview love.

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Speaker 2: This.

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Speaker 5: I read this while I was pregnant with lovebugs. This

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Speaker 5: had to be about four years ago, and Jesse said,

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Speaker 5: do one thing a day that makes you feel like yourself,

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Speaker 5: like you could be like I think for her, I

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Speaker 5: remember this example. I don't know if it was hers

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Speaker 5: or someone else that she cited, but she said, like,

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Speaker 5: she loves to wear lipstick and it makes her feel

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Speaker 5: like a person. So she was like, there was days

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Speaker 5: basically where she looked broke down and oversized sweatpants with

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Speaker 5: like dirty hair, but she would wear lipstick.

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Speaker 2: And so I kind of adopted that, and I did.

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Speaker 5: I was at home with love the first year a

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Speaker 5: lot alone, and I would like, for me, it was

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Speaker 5: curling my hair, and so I would just that seems

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Speaker 5: so silly, but it just made me feel like a person.

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Speaker 5: I never left the house. It just reminded me to like,

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Speaker 5: it made me feel pretty or something.

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Speaker 2: But I I liked.

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Speaker 5: She was like, whether it's a hot cup of coffee,

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Speaker 5: whether it's lipstick or reading a book, or just pick

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Speaker 5: one thing a day that you is attainable for you

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Speaker 5: to do that makes you feel like yourself. And that

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Speaker 5: saved me a lot of days. Silly had nothing to

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Speaker 5: do with the baby. But maybe that's why I helped.

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Speaker 2: No, I loved that. I think it helps probably postpart

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Speaker 2: him too.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, because I mean literally, just sitting in a

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Speaker 5: condo for like three hundred and sixty five days, it's

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Speaker 5: a little wears you out. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think my best piece of advice for a first

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Speaker 2: time mama to be is I remember the first two

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Speaker 2: weeks after having both kids, and remember how like, you know,

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Speaker 2: you just start crying for no reason. Oh yeah, not

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Speaker 2: to hold in that cry, let it out. It feels

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Speaker 2: so good. I remember the second time with Jace, I

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Speaker 2: was like, yeah, I don't know, it just felt gay,

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Speaker 2: like just embrace the ugliness of it all, because it

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Speaker 2: goes by so fast, too fast. Like I look at

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Speaker 2: Jason now and I'm just like, you're not a baby anymore.

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Speaker 2: How did you know you were to have kids? You

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Speaker 2: don't really.

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Speaker 6: For you?

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Speaker 2: Uh, I just I want it was so fast with us, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I mean it was like.

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Speaker 5: But I will say, in previous relationships and in a

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Speaker 5: previous marriage, every time when someone would say when are

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Speaker 5: you guys gonna have kids because we had been together

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Speaker 5: so long, I would say I'm not ready yet. But

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Speaker 5: then when I met my person. It was fast, fast, fast,

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Speaker 5: and I was like, oh, I, I'm gonna have babies

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Speaker 5: with you?

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Speaker 6: Like it?

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Speaker 2: Just so that felt maybe when you feel like you

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Speaker 2: have a real partner.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, cap I wanted babies for so long.

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Speaker 2: It was just for me.

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Speaker 1: It was like, I'm married, when are we having babies?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? That's kind of same me too, Yeah, love me

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Speaker 2: some babies.

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Speaker 5: I always wanted babies. I just didn't want to raise

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Speaker 5: a husband and babies, understood. Yeah, So I actually would

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Speaker 5: like to say, if you feel like you could be

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Speaker 5: raising your husband and babies, this might not be the

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Speaker 5: time to have babies.

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Speaker 2: Sorry. One of the questions I just got was are

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Speaker 2: you ticklish? That's very interesting relevant to really going to

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Speaker 2: content that much as it is, just I didn't know

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Speaker 2: about Jane. Someone asked, how do you deal with the

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Speaker 2: anger of infertility and not being able to have babies?

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Speaker 2: Would you like to start with that?

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Speaker 5: Kristen, Well, we I always I carry a bit of

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Speaker 5: guilt at how easily we get pregnant because I have

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Speaker 5: a lot of friends that have dealt with infertility. But

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Speaker 5: we didn't always keep the babies, so we lost one

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Speaker 5: between our kids, and that was rather devastating for a

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Speaker 5: long time. That's actually when you and I got to

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Speaker 5: me in my brain. That's when you and I got

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Speaker 5: close because you were my first call when I pulled

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Speaker 5: out of the parking lot and I was like, I

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Speaker 5: don't know how to lose a baby.

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Speaker 2: What do you do with the anger?

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Speaker 5: Though? Because I think that piece is I wasn't actually

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Speaker 5: angry as much as I was sad. It didn't go

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Speaker 5: to anger to me until other people were in sensitive

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Speaker 5: to it. That's when I got angry, like just dumb comments,

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Speaker 5: just like like do you get annoying people like well,

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Speaker 5: at least you know, yeah, just anything. I just was like,

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Speaker 5: until you've walked it, you just don't know, you really don't.

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Speaker 2: So best just to say I'm sorry that you're going

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Speaker 2: through that.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean, anger is probably because there's some deep

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Speaker 5: healing that needs to be done. But again, like I

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Speaker 5: don't feel like I'm even fair. It's not fair for

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Speaker 5: me to even speak on that because we were able

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Speaker 5: to have babies, three pregnancies, two babies.

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Speaker 2: Do you usually go to sadness?

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Speaker 6: M h?

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Speaker 2: Where do you usually go when you're when you're upset?

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Speaker 2: Not upset, but I mean when you when you start

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Speaker 2: to feel something like, what is your first feeling?

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Speaker 1: That's a good question. I mean, I've never experienced something

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Speaker 1: as I'm.

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Speaker 2: Not even talking with day, just like any arguments with

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Speaker 2: with your husband.

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Speaker 1: I think I start out angry, but I cry when

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Speaker 1: I'm angry, sames I'm sad, which I don't think. I

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Speaker 1: really just think I'm so angry. I cry for whatever reason. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but I usually start out angry and then go to

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Speaker 1: a sad place, I guess, but I start out with anger,

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Speaker 1: so I'm I mean, I don't know in that position

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Speaker 1: if I would have gone, you know, to anger first

438
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,680
Speaker 1: or sadness, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, not been in

439
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,480
Speaker 1: your shoes, so I know.

440
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,280
Speaker 2: I was just when you when I was reading that,

441
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,399
Speaker 2: I was just like, how anger? Because I think it

442
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,879
Speaker 2: depends on the situation. But like I know when I

443
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:37,520
Speaker 2: lost it was I go anger first. So I'm always

444
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,280
Speaker 2: just like, how do you not go angry first? Because

445
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,080
Speaker 2: I like, I want to do that more in my life. Yeah,

446
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,360
Speaker 2: not go angry first. I'd like to go angry first

447
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,680
Speaker 2: a little more, so maybe we can help each other. No, no, no, no, no, no,

448
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,600
Speaker 2: I think it's better not because underneath the anger is

449
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,800
Speaker 2: just hurt yea and pain and sad. I just get

450
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,119
Speaker 2: straight to that. I guess I just skip that and

451
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,520
Speaker 2: go straight to devastated. So that's the good news, guys.

452
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:16,159
Speaker 2: Let's take a break. So update on the diapers. I

453
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,959
Speaker 2: am keeping Jolie in pull ups at night because let

454
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,000
Speaker 2: me say this, just to recap on the Joe Frost thing,

455
00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:26,080
Speaker 2: she came out of her room at least thirty times.

456
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,520
Speaker 2: I was texting you girls like I'm about to lose

457
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 2: my mind, but I'm doing what she said and I

458
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:35,240
Speaker 2: had the thing off too. So during all of that,

459
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,040
Speaker 2: she then pees herself and it's like ten o'clock a night.

460
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:42,560
Speaker 2: I'm just like, I cannot handle this, so I've put

461
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,320
Speaker 2: a pull up on her, and but ever since then,

462
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,520
Speaker 2: she has not gotten out of her bed. So for me,

463
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,359
Speaker 2: I'm like, let's just do one thing at like one

464
00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 2: when at a time, I'm like, I'm not pulling two

465
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:56,119
Speaker 2: things off at once. But she has not gotten out

466
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:56,480
Speaker 2: of her bed.

467
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 1: I'm so happy.

468
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:03,159
Speaker 2: I mean, great job. It was from seven o'clock to

469
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,600
Speaker 2: ten o'clock at night. I need bed. Yeah, And then

470
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 2: I'm like I'm like, like I would do it five

471
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,280
Speaker 2: times and I say, Mike, yeah, I'm about to lose it,

472
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,640
Speaker 2: like like you know, pass out like whatever, like high five,

473
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,399
Speaker 2: tap out. And then he would do it and he's like,

474
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,240
Speaker 2: I'm about to lose it. I was like, just don't

475
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 2: he was, He's he started to have He's a jolleye. Stop.

476
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't give her any satisfaction,

477
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,320
Speaker 2: pick her up, put her back in bed.

478
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:28,400
Speaker 5: Yeah.

479
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,280
Speaker 2: So was it just one night? Then one night she

480
00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:33,520
Speaker 2: said she's hours.

481
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,280
Speaker 1: See if you listen for three hours but you did it,

482
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 1: isn't it worth it?

483
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:39,680
Speaker 2: It's worth it now it is.

484
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,960
Speaker 1: I feel really bad about giving you a shame about

485
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,240
Speaker 1: the pull ups when you said and then she peter

486
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:45,800
Speaker 1: her Oh god, I take it back.

487
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:46,840
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, she.

488
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:48,520
Speaker 3: Is.

489
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,520
Speaker 2: How is I love doing? Though? Okay, so.

490
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,639
Speaker 5: Bless this little one. Uh Sunday, I was like, okay,

491
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,880
Speaker 5: so no pull ups. I waited till I had reinforcements

492
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,679
Speaker 5: at home, had dead dah and I was like, all right,

493
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:02,719
Speaker 5: it's no pull up Sunday.

494
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 2: And this is how it goes. So pull ups ever,

495
00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:07,760
Speaker 2: moved out of the bathroom and at ten am she

496
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,040
Speaker 2: starts holding her little booty outside of her little big

497
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,520
Speaker 2: girl panties and she said, oh, I really got a poop.

498
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 2: I just need to pull up.

499
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,680
Speaker 5: And this went on all day and I just kept

500
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,479
Speaker 5: saying encouraging, like we can go to the potty at

501
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 5: any time. Let me know when you're ready to go

502
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,200
Speaker 5: to the potty. So she's scared of it hitting the water.

503
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:27,639
Speaker 5: This is early on traumatic and Air quotes experience for

504
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 5: her when she started peeing on the potty. Anyways, we

505
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 5: make it through Sunday. She does not have to she

506
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,880
Speaker 5: will not poop, so she's just holding it all day.

507
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 5: Monday morning, here we go to swim and she's in

508
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:43,480
Speaker 5: the sweetest little ballerina one piece and she's at swim

509
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,159
Speaker 5: and I'm like, great, put her in swim with her

510
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:49,320
Speaker 5: little instructor and I hit the treadmill for a minute

511
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,440
Speaker 5: and then I get the call Lovely needs to go bathroom,

512
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,600
Speaker 5: she needs to get. I get her out of the pool,

513
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,680
Speaker 5: and she's walking over to me and she's like just weeping.

514
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,639
Speaker 5: I'm afraid, I'm afraid I've already pooped in my in

515
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,320
Speaker 5: my in my swimsuit. I'm afraid there's poop in my swimsuit.

516
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:08,320
Speaker 5: And I'm like, bless your heart. So thank god there

517
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 5: was a ruffle kind of hid any disaster we had

518
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:14,240
Speaker 5: as we trotted in the bathroom. Very dramatic, but I did.

519
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 5: I just told her, I said, you know, honestly happens.

520
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,639
Speaker 5: Maybe that's maybe a mom came up with that, but

521
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,320
Speaker 5: I was like, you know what, love this happens. We

522
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:24,639
Speaker 5: went to the restroom. I did make her clean it.

523
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 2: Up, okay, how which is a big step because like

524
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,160
Speaker 2: she's just disgusted with poopment in general, like she's such

525
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,159
Speaker 2: a capricorn. So we I had her up.

526
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 5: We just kind of cleaned it up. She hasn't pooped

527
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 5: since that. She did one time. She does sleep in

528
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 5: a pull up overnight still, which I have no problem

529
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 5: with that art she said. I I just to do

530
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,639
Speaker 5: that because Jolie's been potty trained since she was uh

531
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,480
Speaker 5: two and a half. Yeah, for two she really rocked

532
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 5: in So but the night time, like I'm not getting

533
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 5: up in the middle of the night to body train,

534
00:24:58,840 --> 00:24:59,639
Speaker 5: Like I'm just not doing it.

535
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 1: She's everything, You're still, and I just think that if

536
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,040
Speaker 1: they're dry for a certain amount of time, sure, that's

537
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,040
Speaker 1: when I always took them away.

538
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,359
Speaker 2: That was going to be my strategy when they were saying.

539
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,640
Speaker 1: Them until they were dry, and then we just took them.

540
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:12,880
Speaker 2: She got up in the morning.

541
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 1: But I mean there's some people that are in elementary

542
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 1: school that are still wearing them at night and they're

543
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:17,160
Speaker 1: not dry.

544
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 2: Look, men still shirk their pants. So it does happen

545
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:21,000
Speaker 2: until we.

546
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: Meet the right woman and they get us to stop

547
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 1: doing that.

548
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:29,719
Speaker 2: I do see skid marks quite frequently on underwear, let

549
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,399
Speaker 2: me tell you. Honestly, though, I feel like it's a

550
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,200
Speaker 2: childhood trauma, like from seeing like dad skid marks. You know,

551
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 2: It's like I always just thought men pooped in their pants.

552
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:39,439
Speaker 5: All right.

553
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,520
Speaker 3: Tracy Crossley, you know Tracy Crossley from crossley dot com

554
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,520
Speaker 3: and her podcast Dealing with It, an Apple podcast.

555
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:46,200
Speaker 1: He's on the phone.

556
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,639
Speaker 2: Oh yay, Tracy, Hello, thank you for breaking up our conversation.

557
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,119
Speaker 2: We were just having super appreciate it. You are a

558
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,880
Speaker 2: behavioral Oh god, I can't even say that word behavior.

559
00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:58,440
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

560
00:25:58,600 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 1: Behavior.

561
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:04,200
Speaker 2: Behavior is that bad that I can't say that word.

562
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 2: She'll train you. Behavior.

563
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,240
Speaker 6: It's a long word, it's multi syllable, so it's fine.

564
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 2: Your relationship expert and podcast host, you specialize in treating

565
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,880
Speaker 2: individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns. Where have you been?

566
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,680
Speaker 2: Where were you in my twenties? This is all I

567
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 2: have to say. I see you're about twenty years later

568
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 2: for me, Tracy, where are you been?

569
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,120
Speaker 6: I got it? I understand.

570
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,639
Speaker 2: What's the biggest pattern that you've seen to be the

571
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 2: biggest problem.

572
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,000
Speaker 6: Uh, well, there's a couple of them. But the biggest

573
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,480
Speaker 6: one is people are not authentic. And I know that's

574
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:43,159
Speaker 6: a really general statement, but with not being authentic come secrets.

575
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 6: Becomes a problem with actually being emotionally intimate with another person,

576
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 6: because if you're not being yourself, who are you being?

577
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,240
Speaker 6: And you're not attracting them to you, you're attracting them

578
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,359
Speaker 6: to someone that you're you have a facade for. So,

579
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:01,760
Speaker 6: but that's the biggest one, next to people not staying

580
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 6: in reality. A lot of people get into fantasy, like

581
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,560
Speaker 6: on the first day, Oh this is fun, this person's

582
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:10,199
Speaker 6: perfect or whatever idea they're coming up with, and they

583
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,160
Speaker 6: start getting ahead and thinking about, oh wow, I want

584
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 6: to introduce he or sheet to my parents, and then

585
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,960
Speaker 6: they're already way to hell out of the first date

586
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 6: and into fantasy. So it's always about staying in reality

587
00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:25,680
Speaker 6: and being yourself like, those are the two biggest things.

588
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,240
Speaker 2: What about because I feel like in that moment it

589
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 2: is all perfect because it is so new, like staying

590
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 2: in that reality where it's like nothing has been tampered

591
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:42,800
Speaker 2: or broken or lost or beginning, you know, because the

592
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 2: sweet beginning. So isn't that still kind of a reality

593
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 2: staying in that moment?

594
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 6: Or am I just really.

595
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:52,159
Speaker 2: You are?

596
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 6: Well, it's great to have a spark, right, But it's

597
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,040
Speaker 6: when you get carried away with the spark, because then

598
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 6: that's how you develop expectations and you're wanting those expectations

599
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,880
Speaker 6: to remain. And what you're doing is, first of all,

600
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 6: you don't really know the person, right. It's what you're

601
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 6: picking up from what they're doing, and you're thinking, oh,

602
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 6: that hits my checklist. That sounds good, that sounds good,

603
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,520
Speaker 6: that sounds good. But the reality of the person and

604
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:26,440
Speaker 6: getting to know them and living with them, not literally

605
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 6: living with them, but living with them as far as

606
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:30,960
Speaker 6: getting to know them and dating them and so on

607
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 6: and so forth, you find that, oh, wow, my expectations

608
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,040
Speaker 6: are really out of whack compared to who this person

609
00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:39,640
Speaker 6: really is. So you know, at some point you're gonna

610
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 6: have to deal with the disappointment of that.

611
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 2: So I know you have that ten week boot camp.

612
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 2: It helps people, you know, with the dysfunctional yo yo

613
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:53,280
Speaker 2: daters having you know, problems moving on from a past relationship.

614
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,400
Speaker 2: Why do you think people hang on to relationships that

615
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:58,680
Speaker 2: are not serving them?

616
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 6: Well, there's a couple of reasons, but one of the

617
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:06,880
Speaker 6: biggest ones is to do with insecure attachment. So a

618
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 6: lot of people who I don't know, how much do

619
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 6: your listeners know about that?

620
00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 2: We talk about our relationships a lot, So can you

621
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:16,800
Speaker 2: tell us a little bit more of that about that?

622
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:22,240
Speaker 6: Sure? Sure? So with insecure attachment, basically, as a child,

623
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:26,080
Speaker 6: you either securely attached to your parents or you're insecurely

624
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 6: attached to your parents, meaning emotionally. So there were experiments

625
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:35,040
Speaker 6: that were done in the early seventies by a psychologist

626
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 6: named Mary Ainsworth and it was called the Strange experiment,

627
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,760
Speaker 6: And so it's where a parent would leave a child

628
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,000
Speaker 6: and they would judge the child's reaction to the parent leaving.

629
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 6: So a lot of us who didn't necessarily emotionally bond

630
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 6: with our parents in a way where there's emotional intimacy

631
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 6: tend to come at relationships in a completely different way

632
00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,880
Speaker 6: than somebody who was securely attached to a parent. So,

633
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 6: as an example, let's say that you had a parent

634
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 6: who wasn't around very much, and so you would try

635
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,400
Speaker 6: to be perfect or try to please them to get

636
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 6: their attention, and maybe you still didn't really get their

637
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 6: attention because they'd come home and they'd be preoccupied. So

638
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 6: you would be looking for somebody who is preoccupied. And

639
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:23,040
Speaker 6: this is not a conscious thought, by the way, this

640
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 6: is totally subconscious autopilot. Okay, I'm looking for somebody who's

641
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:29,840
Speaker 6: not really going to give me that attention. And then

642
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 6: the way I think I get love is by people

643
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 6: pleasing or trying to be perfect, which is also why

644
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 6: people have trouble being authentic when they first start dating.

645
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:45,600
Speaker 2: I sorry, I just have to say, first of all,

646
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 2: there's a lot of head shaking going on in.

647
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 5: This room, a lot of nonverbal amen's happening over yours.

648
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:55,360
Speaker 2: Also, I've never heard it, in all the years of

649
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 2: therapy and having experts come on, I've never heard it

650
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,160
Speaker 2: said quite that way. And I feel like some somehow

651
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 2: that just kind of clicked because I know, I know,

652
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:10,120
Speaker 2: like you know, all of us have you know, experiences

653
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 2: with our upbringing, and I've always been able to relay.

654
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 2: Oh that's probably why I do that. But with how

655
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,280
Speaker 2: you phrased it, can you say that word again, that

656
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,400
Speaker 2: in secure attachment? Yeah, that's a yeah. I love how

657
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 2: you put that, because that just was like, oh, that's

658
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 2: one thousand percent.

659
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 5: What it is was the most groundbreaking moment I've had

660
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 5: been non therapy therapy in my entire life.

661
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 2: One thousand percent. I could have used you two marriages ago.

662
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,640
Speaker 2: Where have you been? Well?

663
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:39,080
Speaker 4: Had?

664
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:41,360
Speaker 6: I had to learn this in between my first and

665
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,240
Speaker 6: second marriage. So yeah, and a lot of it was

666
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 6: my own journey. I mean I trained as a coach,

667
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 6: and I went to school and got my degree in psychology.

668
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,800
Speaker 6: But yeah, none of this really prepared me for why

669
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 6: I felt the way I did and the struggles I

670
00:31:56,480 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 6: had in dating, relationships, being a single mom, all that stuff.

671
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 6: I mean that was my title. And I really didn't

672
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,040
Speaker 6: even understand myself, Like I didn't understand why am I

673
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,680
Speaker 6: picking these people? Why am I doing this? Why can't

674
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 6: I be real? What is so hard about asking somebody

675
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,720
Speaker 6: a question? Well, if you're afraid they're going to abandon

676
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 6: you or think something was wrong with you, then you're

677
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,080
Speaker 6: not going to ask the questions, right, Yeah.

678
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 2: And you're also yeah, one thousand percent. This is so crazy.

679
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,720
Speaker 2: I feel like because I was just having so simplified

680
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,480
Speaker 2: and I was just having this conversation. I was telling

681
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:29,800
Speaker 2: Kat about it the other day in the car. I

682
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:31,640
Speaker 2: was like, I know that we all know that like

683
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 2: my dad and you know those I'm not. I will

684
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 2: never blame my dad because I know that he was

685
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 2: brought up a certain way which led him to, you know,

686
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,320
Speaker 2: be a parent a certain way to me. But you know,

687
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:45,880
Speaker 2: I have learned that some ways of his you know,

688
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,080
Speaker 2: of our of my upbringing was based on how he

689
00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:52,160
Speaker 2: you know, he handled the divorce and how he left

690
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:54,600
Speaker 2: and had the affairs, and so that then made me

691
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 2: go off to do you know X, Y and Z.

692
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,160
Speaker 2: But I so I've always known that my dad's like

693
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,360
Speaker 2: affected my relations and chips because of the things that happen,

694
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:07,160
Speaker 2: but I've never my therapist is trying to tell me

695
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:09,800
Speaker 2: the other day where it's just like you've stayed in

696
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,360
Speaker 2: certain things because you're or you've tried to be so

697
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 2: perfect because you're so afraid of that abandonment. But what

698
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 2: you just said makes it even clarifies it even more

699
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 2: to me with that insecure attachment.

700
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:26,520
Speaker 6: Mm hmmm. Yeah, until I just skipped for I was

701
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 6: going to say, until I discovered it, I really had

702
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 6: no clue. And then here's this was a kicker. Okay,

703
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:37,200
Speaker 6: So there's different labels under insecure attachment. I happened to

704
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:41,440
Speaker 6: fall under anxious avoidant. Okay, so what the hell is that?

705
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:41,719
Speaker 2: Right?

706
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:46,000
Speaker 6: So anxious meaning I would have I would get into

707
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,720
Speaker 6: these relationships with people like the yo yo ones and

708
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:52,440
Speaker 6: where I call it breadcrumbing, right where you hit it

709
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 6: off at first, and you think everything's great and they're

710
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 6: making promises to you, and then all of a sudden

711
00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 6: they do kind of like the fade out, and then

712
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 6: they show back up, right, but you're thinking, oh my god,

713
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 6: they're gone, I've ruined this relationship whatever, And they show

714
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,640
Speaker 6: back up and you're back in it. And this can

715
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 6: go on for years, right, And so I kept going,

716
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,359
Speaker 6: what the heck is my problem? But I had such

717
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:19,000
Speaker 6: tremendous anxiety during it, and then this is this is

718
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,080
Speaker 6: where I'm coming in with the avoidant. So then he

719
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:25,960
Speaker 6: would kind of change and want to get closer, and

720
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 6: I became avoidant. Oh wait a minute, I don't have

721
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:30,560
Speaker 6: time to see you, I don't want to talk to you.

722
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:33,480
Speaker 6: I'm going to ignore you. I mean, so I was

723
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 6: both sides of the coin, and a lot of people

724
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:38,439
Speaker 6: I help are both sides of the coin as well,

725
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:43,000
Speaker 6: going between anxiety and avoiding and meeting people who would

726
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,239
Speaker 6: be healthy and that would give you anxiety like, oh

727
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:48,439
Speaker 6: my god, I'm feeling engulfed. Oh God, I get away

728
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,680
Speaker 6: from me. You know, I don't want anything to do

729
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 6: with you.

730
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,360
Speaker 1: So yeah, well why is that?

731
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:58,600
Speaker 2: Because I know with relationships, you know, the guys that

732
00:34:58,719 --> 00:35:01,839
Speaker 2: actually might have been the best for you, you don't

733
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:04,960
Speaker 2: want because it's that they're too nice, or I feel

734
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,680
Speaker 2: too smothered, or you know, they don't have that bad boy,

735
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:11,800
Speaker 2: but you know that they'd probably be a great husband

736
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 2: and they wouldn't never hurt you.

737
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,600
Speaker 6: Why because there's a few there's there's okay, so there's like,

738
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,759
Speaker 6: there are so many reasons why. So first of all,

739
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 6: remember the subconscious wiring here, right, So if you don't

740
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,920
Speaker 6: have to work hard, like you don't have to be perfect,

741
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 6: you don't have to be a people pleaser, you don't

742
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 6: know what the heck to do with yourself. So oh

743
00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 6: I gotta be me, and so you're not you're not

744
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 6: performing the drama we are used to having drama because

745
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:44,200
Speaker 6: that is drama, and drama doesn't necessarily mean yelling and screaming.

746
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,879
Speaker 6: Drama means these heightened emotions, right of am I gonna

747
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,839
Speaker 6: have my dad hug me today? Or my dad gonna

748
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,719
Speaker 6: stop watching TV and actually pay attention to me? You know?

749
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 6: Is my dad going to critique me? Whatever? So as

750
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 6: an adult, we are still caught up in those patterns.

751
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,520
Speaker 6: And when you meet somebody who's open and available and

752
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,360
Speaker 6: you don't have to dance around like that, it feels

753
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:13,920
Speaker 6: like it's boring for one. I mean, that's when you're

754
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,799
Speaker 6: coming out of this, right you can feel like, oh,

755
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 6: this is boring, there's no spark. But the spark we're

756
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:22,120
Speaker 6: looking for is that intensity that makes us actually feel

757
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 6: our feelings. Because what we really don't realize through all

758
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:28,759
Speaker 6: of this with the insecure attachment, is that we're really

759
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:32,200
Speaker 6: pretty numb to our own feelings. Like we know our reactions, right,

760
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,839
Speaker 6: we know if we're mad, sad, whatever, but we don't

761
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,839
Speaker 6: know the deeper feelings because we're cut off from them.

762
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:41,320
Speaker 6: And so when you meet somebody and you have that

763
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,279
Speaker 6: chemistry and it's all that excitement and they're a bad boy.

764
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,560
Speaker 6: Then it's that constant drama. It's like watching a movie,

765
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 6: right and you're just going along with the plot. But

766
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 6: when you meet somebody and it's not that way, it's

767
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:54,360
Speaker 6: almost like you really just don't know what to do

768
00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:58,920
Speaker 6: with yourself. So that's why to me it was really hard,

769
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,040
Speaker 6: Like I wanted to get in a healthy relationship, and

770
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 6: so I really had to go okay, trace you got

771
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 6: to deal with all this intensity. You've got to deal

772
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 6: with the fact that you don't know how you feel

773
00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:12,880
Speaker 6: on a deeper level and what drives you to actually

774
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 6: be with people who can't give you what you want.

775
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 6: So there's a lot there. I mean, I could go

776
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:19,880
Speaker 6: on and on and on for hours probably about just

777
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 6: that question if.

778
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,320
Speaker 2: You're in the relationship though, you know, for the for

779
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:26,400
Speaker 2: the married ones out there that have the pattern of this,

780
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 2: it can be such heightened emotions and you're also portraying

781
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:34,640
Speaker 2: that they need to be perfect, but they're not perfect.

782
00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:37,680
Speaker 2: It's like, how do you walk through that season of

783
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,760
Speaker 2: life to get to a healthier spot.

784
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,320
Speaker 6: So you have to make a decision to want to

785
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 6: be a good partner to have a healthy relationship regardless

786
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,160
Speaker 6: of your partner, Okay, because you can't control another person,

787
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,880
Speaker 6: and a lot of us put well, I'm going to

788
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 6: change or I'm going to grow, but we put that

789
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 6: on the other person to have to do it with us.

790
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:01,920
Speaker 6: It's a decision that you want to make to have

791
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:05,320
Speaker 6: a sense of well being, right, and so what you

792
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:07,000
Speaker 6: have to do is, first of all, you've got to

793
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:11,759
Speaker 6: look at how much energy physical and emotional energy goes

794
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,920
Speaker 6: out of my body trying to control or maintain this

795
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,840
Speaker 6: relationship so that it's at least familiar to me. You know,

796
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 6: a lot of times we want change, but at the

797
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:23,439
Speaker 6: same time we want to keep it familiar. So first

798
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:25,399
Speaker 6: of all, you've got to realize what are the things

799
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:28,840
Speaker 6: that I am doing to stay stuck in this place

800
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:33,240
Speaker 6: with this person emotionally, and then you have to stop

801
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,839
Speaker 6: doing those things. As an example, again, you know I'm

802
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:40,240
Speaker 6: using people pleasing and perfectionism, but there's also problem solving.

803
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:43,880
Speaker 6: How often in your relationship that doesn't feel great and

804
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:47,680
Speaker 6: you're committed to are you looking for problems? Is your

805
00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:50,880
Speaker 6: focus on all the problems? Why is it on all

806
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 6: the problems? Well, that's a distraction from intimacy. You can't

807
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 6: be intimate with someone if you're always focusing on, well,

808
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 6: what's wrong, and then something gets solved, and then you're

809
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 6: focused on the next problem. So there's all sorts of things.

810
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,920
Speaker 6: We tend to personalize our mates, We tend to assume

811
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 6: a lot about our mates, and it's to step out

812
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:13,560
Speaker 6: of that and to really become emotionally present to what

813
00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:16,480
Speaker 6: is happening when you do what you do. This is

814
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,000
Speaker 6: hard because most of the time we are on autopilots

815
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 6: ninety five percent of the day. We're just repeating the

816
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 6: same patterns, repeating the same things. And so to actually

817
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:28,400
Speaker 6: develop some awareness about how you even interact in your

818
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 6: relationship and you stop blaming the other person for how

819
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 6: they are, you can make a big change right there,

820
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,360
Speaker 6: just by taking responsibility and going, oh, you know what,

821
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:40,640
Speaker 6: I didn't realize that I do that, that I keep

822
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:44,160
Speaker 6: finding problems with my mate, right, I mean, how often

823
00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:44,719
Speaker 6: do we do that?

824
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:47,399
Speaker 5: Yeah?

825
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,160
Speaker 2: Often? But what if there are problems though?

826
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:54,359
Speaker 6: You know Kate now and that's it, So that would

827
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 6: be different. You know, somebody has big problems in their relationship, Okay,

828
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:02,600
Speaker 6: there is total dysfunction. They have to look at why

829
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:05,120
Speaker 6: they're staying there. A lot of times we stay out

830
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:08,560
Speaker 6: of fear. Sometimes we'll say, oh, it's the money, it's

831
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:11,359
Speaker 6: the kids, But really it's a fear. It's a fear

832
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 6: of ending up alone. It's a fear because I don't

833
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,920
Speaker 6: trust myself to make the right decision. What if I

834
00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:19,560
Speaker 6: leave and it was the wrong decision. So it's just

835
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:21,719
Speaker 6: easier to blame your mate for all their faults and

836
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,040
Speaker 6: everything wrong with them, and never look at yourself. You

837
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 6: still have to take yourself in hand and go what

838
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 6: am I doing? I am half of the relationship, so

839
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:35,840
Speaker 6: I must be doing something. But it's to take yourself,

840
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:37,839
Speaker 6: you know, to take yourself in hand and start making

841
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:40,440
Speaker 6: the changes inside of you. You know, what do you

842
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 6: resist in the relationship? Meaning what are you fighting against

843
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:47,440
Speaker 6: and struggling against all the time? That never changes?

844
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 3: You think?

845
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:52,720
Speaker 2: Do you think change is a change is possible?

846
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 6: I've seen it. I mean I've been doing this for

847
00:40:56,560 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 6: twelve years and I have seen people chanting their relationships

848
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:05,080
Speaker 6: for the better. But it usually takes both of them

849
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,799
Speaker 6: wanting that. What I often find instead is that when

850
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 6: somebody starts working on themselves and they're getting to a

851
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 6: better place that there's a distance that even grows more

852
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:18,359
Speaker 6: in the relationship. Now that might spurt the other person

853
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:21,200
Speaker 6: who's not doing anything about themselves to start doing something.

854
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:25,880
Speaker 6: But in all honesty, you really want someone that's motivated

855
00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:28,080
Speaker 6: to want to feel better and have their own sense

856
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 6: of wellbeing rather than a fear of losing you. Because

857
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:35,440
Speaker 6: we're talking about love, and for some reason it seems

858
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:39,279
Speaker 6: really romantic when we're making somebody fear losing us. But

859
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:42,560
Speaker 6: that's not really romantic. That's about love. So as you

860
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,320
Speaker 6: start to love yourself more and your mate decides to

861
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,200
Speaker 6: cool you, guys might work it out. If you're the

862
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 6: only one doing it, it's probably going to be where

863
00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:53,560
Speaker 6: you work yourself out of the relationship over time.

864
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:56,480
Speaker 2: How do you not put I totally agree with you

865
00:41:56,560 --> 00:42:01,640
Speaker 2: on that. How do you not put this where? I

866
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:04,680
Speaker 2: know it's such a codependent way of thinking, but sometimes

867
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,680
Speaker 2: in a lot of relationships I've been and even you know,

868
00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:11,320
Speaker 2: in my relationship with my husband, I'll say, well, you

869
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:14,400
Speaker 2: don't make me happy, or this doesn't this doesn't make

870
00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:17,320
Speaker 2: me happy. So it's like I'm almost is that is

871
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 2: that just codependency? Because of course he can't make me happy,

872
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,440
Speaker 2: or though his actions might not make me happy, but

873
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 2: I still I still am in control of that, aren't I.

874
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:31,840
Speaker 6: Yeah, you are in control of that because if you

875
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,800
Speaker 6: think about it, Okay, and this is a little off topic,

876
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,680
Speaker 6: but it's an example. So let's say that you want

877
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 6: to throw somebody a surprise party, Okay, and the reason

878
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 6: you're doing it, of course, you want to do something

879
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:46,000
Speaker 6: nice for your friend, let's say, but if you don't

880
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 6: have any joy in the process of putting the surprise

881
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:53,040
Speaker 6: party together, then you're missing the boat, especially if your

882
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,520
Speaker 6: friend has a bad reaction is like I don't like

883
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,840
Speaker 6: surprise parties. Why'd you do the surprise party for me?

884
00:42:58,080 --> 00:42:58,239
Speaker 2: Right?

885
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,239
Speaker 6: So here you are trying to do some thing you

886
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:02,759
Speaker 6: think is going to make somebody happy, and they're like,

887
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:07,600
Speaker 6: this doesn't make me happy. This really is embarrassing. I'm

888
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:11,520
Speaker 6: so embarrassed. So it's the same thing in our relationships

889
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:14,879
Speaker 6: where we tend to want to please the other person,

890
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 6: Like my husband does things to please me, and even

891
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,719
Speaker 6: if I'm in a crappy mood, or let's say I'm

892
00:43:20,719 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 6: not happy in the moment, I do appreciate it, but

893
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,239
Speaker 6: I know he can't make me happy and that's up

894
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:31,319
Speaker 6: to me. And actually, actually in a relationship, it's such

895
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:35,719
Speaker 6: a great opportunity to work on yourself because you recognize, oh,

896
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 6: my feelings aren't going to change unless I do something

897
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:41,400
Speaker 6: about it. So it always comes back to you. And

898
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,239
Speaker 6: if you have a partner like my partner, I feel

899
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:48,680
Speaker 6: he's all about growing himself and I'm about growing myself.

900
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:52,279
Speaker 6: So it works really well. I don't blame him for things.

901
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 6: I don't put things on him because I know in

902
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:57,080
Speaker 6: the end, I'm still going to feel the same way.

903
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:00,880
Speaker 6: I'm still going to feel like I feel whenever that is,

904
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:03,719
Speaker 6: you know, like right now, tomorrow, it's still gonna be

905
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:04,280
Speaker 6: my feelings.

906
00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:10,120
Speaker 5: Right, Okay, I have a question. I'm actually this is

907
00:44:10,239 --> 00:44:12,399
Speaker 5: actually asking for a friend, not a friend in the room.

908
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:14,880
Speaker 5: But I have a girlfriend who is twice divorced and

909
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:19,480
Speaker 5: has two little kids, and she stop talking about me while.

910
00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 2: This is actually asking for a friend.

911
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:26,160
Speaker 5: So the authenticity we talked that you talked about, like

912
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:29,040
Speaker 5: at the very beginning of the relationship, she struggles sometimes

913
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 5: with when to like out herself as a twice divorced mother,

914
00:44:35,719 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 5: you know, like obviously she talks about her kids kind

915
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,239
Speaker 5: of like straight out of the gate. But when it

916
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,879
Speaker 5: comes to being married twice, I know there's some shame

917
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:44,799
Speaker 5: attached to that for her a little bit. And then

918
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 5: when she tries to date, she's like, Okay, at what

919
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:51,319
Speaker 5: point do I say, like, you know, to a lot

920
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:55,200
Speaker 5: of men that feels like, you know, a girl's crazy

921
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 5: so and she's not. She's actually a beautiful human being.

922
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 5: She just has seen a lot more in men then

923
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:04,719
Speaker 5: they even solve themselves kind of. But I'm wondering what

924
00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:07,800
Speaker 5: your advice would be for her when she's dating, and

925
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,200
Speaker 5: when is maybe an appropriate time to say that, or

926
00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:12,920
Speaker 5: maybe it's not their business, or what is your I

927
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:15,239
Speaker 5: really love you already and you've really cracked a lot

928
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:15,880
Speaker 5: of things for me.

929
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:22,000
Speaker 6: So okay, So of course this is going to sound crazy.

930
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 6: But first of all, she has to own the fact

931
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:28,600
Speaker 6: that she's been married twice. You got to own it.

932
00:45:28,719 --> 00:45:30,759
Speaker 6: You got to say, you know what this is, this

933
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:33,840
Speaker 6: is what's happened, and I got to own it. And

934
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,160
Speaker 6: I've got to feel okay about it first. So if

935
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 6: you feel okay about something first, you don't really care

936
00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:41,759
Speaker 6: when you tell somebody. I would tell somebody right up front,

937
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:44,879
Speaker 6: why because I don't want to go down the path

938
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,560
Speaker 6: of Okay, well, maybe he'll like me enough and then

939
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,800
Speaker 6: I can tell him at that point. But you're not

940
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 6: the Booby prize. You're still a prize. But if you

941
00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:55,040
Speaker 6: don't feel like you're the prize and that somebody is

942
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:57,720
Speaker 6: taking you on, like, oh, you've been married twice, Okay, fine,

943
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:01,279
Speaker 6: I'll take you. You know you'reamage goods or whatever it

944
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:04,080
Speaker 6: is that you've attached to the whole idea of being

945
00:46:04,120 --> 00:46:08,399
Speaker 6: married twice. But it's really about saying, screw it, I've

946
00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:12,160
Speaker 6: been married twice. Oh well, you know, s happens. Things

947
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 6: happen in life, and here I am. I own it.

948
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 6: I take responsibility for what's happened in my life. And

949
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 6: when you come across like your own heroine, then it's

950
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:24,239
Speaker 6: really about the guy who's going to have the confidence.

951
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 6: And that's what you want anyway, Like you don't want

952
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:31,759
Speaker 6: to bamboozle somebody into being with you because they're deciding, oh, okay,

953
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 6: you've been married twice. I'll take you because of that,

954
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,520
Speaker 6: and you're the Booby Prize. No, you want someone who

955
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:40,040
Speaker 6: thinks that you're awesome no matter what, and the right

956
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 6: guy and not that there's just one right guy, by

957
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:44,480
Speaker 6: the way, but the right guy or a guy that's

958
00:46:44,520 --> 00:46:47,279
Speaker 6: confident enough you're going to have a great relationship with.

959
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,840
Speaker 6: You're going to have a relationship with someone who's actually

960
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:52,440
Speaker 6: a partner rather than somebody who feels like they got

961
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 6: the leftovers, you know, like the day old bread or something.

962
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:55,960
Speaker 2: Yeah.

963
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:58,759
Speaker 5: I like that's she's like a fiercely independent I mean,

964
00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:01,920
Speaker 5: she obviously is in't therapy. She's so strong and so good.

965
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:03,800
Speaker 5: There's been a couple of times where she's kind of

966
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:06,400
Speaker 5: immediately said those things, and I think she felt the

967
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:09,680
Speaker 5: relief of the ownership of it, you know, just being

968
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 5: like this is it? Because she is so amazing, Like

969
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,440
Speaker 5: I'd marry her. You know, she's a good she's a

970
00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:16,440
Speaker 5: really really great check.

971
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 2: She's a catch.

972
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:20,719
Speaker 5: So I just know she would appreciate that insight a lot.

973
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:24,800
Speaker 5: What is you not to get I have too personal

974
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:27,800
Speaker 5: in your life? But what is your biggest struggle with

975
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:28,480
Speaker 5: your husband? Now?

976
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:32,400
Speaker 2: Not to get too personal? Take us into your bedroom.

977
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,279
Speaker 1: I know, Oh my god.

978
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,920
Speaker 6: I mean, well, if you listen to my podcast, you

979
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:39,719
Speaker 6: would know that there's nothing really that I don't hold

980
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:43,919
Speaker 6: back from. I would say, as far as my husband goes,

981
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 6: I don't know. I think my biggest struggle with myself

982
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:51,080
Speaker 6: when it comes to my husband is more about my

983
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:54,600
Speaker 6: own avoidancy. Right, So, like I said, it was an

984
00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:58,360
Speaker 6: anxious avoidant. And so there's times we're all fine. Like

985
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 6: I also can be kind of a alcoholic. Let's say

986
00:48:01,520 --> 00:48:04,840
Speaker 6: where I start putting up walls and I'll realize it

987
00:48:05,600 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 6: and I'll go, okay, Trace, this is how you used

988
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:09,799
Speaker 6: to do relationships, right, You just get all on your

989
00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:13,719
Speaker 6: head and thinking about work or thinking about something and

990
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:17,000
Speaker 6: be totally focused and checked out to my surroundings and

991
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:19,440
Speaker 6: the fact that I have a relationship. And so what

992
00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:23,160
Speaker 6: I do now is I'll catch myself and it'll feel

993
00:48:23,239 --> 00:48:25,920
Speaker 6: hard because it should feel hard, and I'll be vulnerable,

994
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,480
Speaker 6: and I will tell him. I always tell on myself,

995
00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:30,879
Speaker 6: you know what, this is what I'm doing. Or I'll

996
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 6: just go over and I'll hug him or crawl on

997
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:36,640
Speaker 6: top of him or whatever, you know. I mean, I

998
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:40,359
Speaker 6: will get closer to him rather than farther apart from him,

999
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,680
Speaker 6: and that's great. And the I guess, you know, the

1000
00:48:43,760 --> 00:48:47,360
Speaker 6: other struggle would be we both can be kind of introverted,

1001
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:52,000
Speaker 6: Like we're both like introvert extroverts. Right, so we can

1002
00:48:52,080 --> 00:48:54,360
Speaker 6: both get caught up in our things and he'll be

1003
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:56,920
Speaker 6: quiet about stuff because he's not used to having somebody

1004
00:48:57,120 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 6: who wants to hear about him, and I always want

1005
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:02,120
Speaker 6: to hear about him. So I would say for him,

1006
00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:06,040
Speaker 6: it's opening up more, even though he's not really trying

1007
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,560
Speaker 6: to hide it. It's just like these old patterns that

1008
00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:12,040
Speaker 6: we've had from past relationships, I think are the things

1009
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,600
Speaker 6: that sometimes get in the way. But we really do

1010
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:18,600
Speaker 6: have good communications, so that helps. And if we trigger

1011
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 6: each other right where I'll say something and he gets upset,

1012
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:27,399
Speaker 6: we're pretty good about being in reality and going whoa,

1013
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:29,840
Speaker 6: wait a minute, Okay, that's my stuff and need to

1014
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,720
Speaker 6: I need to work on that. I need to figure

1015
00:49:31,719 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 6: out why I'm triggered or why I want to strangle

1016
00:49:34,239 --> 00:49:36,200
Speaker 6: you right now. I got to figure that out because

1017
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:38,399
Speaker 6: it really doesn't have anything to do with the moment,

1018
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:42,359
Speaker 6: because I can tell because I'm like totally reacting when

1019
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,280
Speaker 6: it's not even something that would have actually been anything

1020
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:48,640
Speaker 6: to react to in the first place. So stuff like that,

1021
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:49,480
Speaker 6: I mean, so.

1022
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:54,120
Speaker 2: Like reships aren't perfect, then my insecure attachments, little child

1023
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:57,800
Speaker 2: is saying, wait, so then really, not all relationships are perfect.

1024
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,760
Speaker 2: What d for entertainment?

1025
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:06,520
Speaker 6: Right, I know, not perfect, but you know what, here's

1026
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:10,560
Speaker 6: the thing. They can be safe. So most who have

1027
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:14,480
Speaker 6: insecure attachment, right, we're looking for safety. We're looking for security,

1028
00:50:15,040 --> 00:50:17,720
Speaker 6: and a lot of times we think it's it's somebody.

1029
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:18,200
Speaker 5: You know.

1030
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:20,440
Speaker 6: Again, we're doing all those things that we're used to

1031
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,160
Speaker 6: doing and they're reacting to it. That that makes us

1032
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:25,960
Speaker 6: feel safe, That that's temporary. Like there's a real feeling

1033
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:30,200
Speaker 6: of safety when you've done the inner work and then

1034
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:33,759
Speaker 6: you have somebody who's consistent, who's stable, or your relationship

1035
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:37,480
Speaker 6: excuse me, your relationship keeps progressing. You know, there's growth,

1036
00:50:37,480 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 6: there's communication, you have those things working and it just

1037
00:50:41,719 --> 00:50:45,520
Speaker 6: makes such a difference. And the thing with the inner child,

1038
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:48,840
Speaker 6: you know, that little kid, is that you start to

1039
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:51,799
Speaker 6: love her in a different way. Like I look at

1040
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:55,160
Speaker 6: it as though there are always things that I can

1041
00:50:55,239 --> 00:50:57,480
Speaker 6: be aware of, and one of them is when I

1042
00:50:57,560 --> 00:51:00,920
Speaker 6: disconnect from my own feelings. When you do that, you

1043
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:05,080
Speaker 6: disconnect from your inner child. When you are connected and

1044
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:08,120
Speaker 6: you're really relaxed in that and you're feeling all of

1045
00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:12,600
Speaker 6: your feelings, you start to realize that whether it's you

1046
00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:14,400
Speaker 6: as a little kid or you as an adult, you

1047
00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 6: actually feel really good. And that means in almost any situation,

1048
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:23,120
Speaker 6: and that sort of answers that need that the inner

1049
00:51:23,239 --> 00:51:31,759
Speaker 6: child has because attachment, no, well, it can get better,

1050
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:34,600
Speaker 6: it can be resolved. It really can. Like I read

1051
00:51:34,640 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 6: that book Attached, I don't know how many years ago

1052
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:40,399
Speaker 6: it was, and I and that's like the seminal book

1053
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:43,080
Speaker 6: about attachment. And right now I have a literary agent

1054
00:51:43,080 --> 00:51:47,680
Speaker 6: who's shopping my book on attachment. So anyways, this book

1055
00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 6: says that people like me who are anxious avoidant, that

1056
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:55,080
Speaker 6: there's no way we're ever going to feel better. The

1057
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:56,960
Speaker 6: only way we'll feel better is if we find a

1058
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:58,560
Speaker 6: partner who make us feel better. And it kind of

1059
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:00,120
Speaker 6: pissed me off when I read that. I thought, you

1060
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,919
Speaker 6: know what, that's bs because I want to feel good

1061
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,840
Speaker 6: whether I'm in a relationship or not. So you know,

1062
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:11,640
Speaker 6: the insecure attachment can absolutely go away. It can absolutely

1063
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:15,279
Speaker 6: be taken care of. It's conditioning. It's not who you

1064
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:15,920
Speaker 6: really are.

1065
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:19,040
Speaker 1: That's good.

1066
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:21,040
Speaker 2: Do you do private sessions?

1067
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:23,640
Speaker 1: We got three people up for you.

1068
00:52:24,239 --> 00:52:24,560
Speaker 5: Do you do?

1069
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:28,520
Speaker 2: What do you do for the next three hours?

1070
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:33,200
Speaker 6: I will get.

1071
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:39,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, amazing. So you your podcast is deal with

1072
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:42,879
Speaker 2: It on Apple Podcasts. Everyone listened to her because she's

1073
00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:46,360
Speaker 2: incredible and apparently you can do private sessions and I

1074
00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:49,120
Speaker 2: will be going on her website. We will put it

1075
00:52:49,239 --> 00:52:53,080
Speaker 2: on the bio. Thank you so much, Tracy for just

1076
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:56,920
Speaker 2: enlightening this entire room and giving us some some awesome knowledge.

1077
00:52:57,360 --> 00:52:58,200
Speaker 2: We really appreciate it.

1078
00:52:59,239 --> 00:53:01,080
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you for having me.

1079
00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:02,480
Speaker 6: I love talking about this.

1080
00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:05,520
Speaker 2: So I'll talk to you on behalf of me and

1081
00:53:05,719 --> 00:53:06,120
Speaker 2: my husband.

1082
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:10,439
Speaker 6: Fine, Oh you are welcome, all right, you guys, bye

1083
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 6: bye bye.

1084
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:26,120
Speaker 2: So we're all best friends with Tracy. I mean, she's great.

1085
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:28,880
Speaker 2: I just want to know more about that. She's secure

1086
00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:31,839
Speaker 2: attach it so well. Something about the way she said

1087
00:53:31,880 --> 00:53:34,160
Speaker 2: it was so I mean, that was just it blew

1088
00:53:34,239 --> 00:53:36,320
Speaker 2: everything out of the water. We were all like it

1089
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:38,719
Speaker 2: was so clear to me. Yeah. And it's funny because I,

1090
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 2: like Amy and I were just talking about this. Yeah,

1091
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:44,800
Speaker 2: well I was telling Catherine about it. But how she

1092
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:47,680
Speaker 2: just said it just made that even simpler, Like she

1093
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:50,840
Speaker 2: explained it even it made so much sense to me.

1094
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:52,879
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, though, I hear that can I say

1095
00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:55,759
Speaker 1: this real fast? It gives me so much anxiety? Why

1096
00:53:56,040 --> 00:54:00,359
Speaker 1: because it just makes me think about my kids. Oh yeah,

1097
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,520
Speaker 1: that's all I can think about when I because I

1098
00:54:02,600 --> 00:54:03,320
Speaker 1: know what affects me.

1099
00:54:03,480 --> 00:54:06,520
Speaker 2: But what I hear in that is secure attachment and

1100
00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:09,560
Speaker 2: make a healthy adult. Right But how do you know?

1101
00:54:09,800 --> 00:54:11,759
Speaker 5: So they just have to know that they're safe with

1102
00:54:11,920 --> 00:54:13,959
Speaker 5: us and that we love them, and we talk about

1103
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:15,480
Speaker 5: things and we sort through things.

1104
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:19,560
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be perfect. So like abandonment, like

1105
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:22,960
Speaker 2: even if you parents aren't together, like my dad could

1106
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:25,600
Speaker 2: have love you, dad, but like there could have been

1107
00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:29,359
Speaker 2: a different way to not make me feel abandoned, which

1108
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:32,520
Speaker 2: then has my So my my insecure attachment is all

1109
00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:34,840
Speaker 2: about I need to feel safe in a relationship. And

1110
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:37,759
Speaker 2: what doesn't I either flee or I cling tighter. Right,

1111
00:54:38,800 --> 00:54:42,400
Speaker 2: So that's you know. But so then I okay, now

1112
00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,640
Speaker 2: that we have this knowledge, which I don't think our

1113
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:47,600
Speaker 2: parents really had because my parents have worn to therapy.

1114
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:49,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I had my issues with my mom too,

1115
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:52,120
Speaker 1: and I don't now as an adult, I don't think

1116
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:55,440
Speaker 1: it was purposeful. I don't sure she you know, but

1117
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:56,320
Speaker 1: that's what scares me.

1118
00:54:56,480 --> 00:54:58,960
Speaker 2: Like now we're aware of that, but I don't, but

1119
00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:01,719
Speaker 2: I don't think are then we're that in touch with

1120
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:05,120
Speaker 2: how this would affect us or or you know again,

1121
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:08,400
Speaker 2: like none of them I knew, no knew, no one

1122
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:09,440
Speaker 2: that went to therapy.

1123
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,000
Speaker 1: Right, that's true.

1124
00:55:10,239 --> 00:55:12,000
Speaker 5: And I do think we're all so tuned into like

1125
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:13,400
Speaker 5: our kids and our fa I mean, I know the

1126
00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 5: way you guys mother and it's like we all three

1127
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:18,480
Speaker 5: have different styles of mothering, but at the core of

1128
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:21,439
Speaker 5: it is always wanting our little ones to feel heard

1129
00:55:21,520 --> 00:55:22,560
Speaker 5: and loved and safe.

1130
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,279
Speaker 2: And I think that neat or that like, well, I

1131
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:26,880
Speaker 2: think what's scary to me is like.

1132
00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:30,799
Speaker 1: We're in a business where it's constant and so you're

1133
00:55:30,920 --> 00:55:33,920
Speaker 1: constantly working, whereas like my mom worked all the time,

1134
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:35,759
Speaker 1: she was out of the house, you know, right, and

1135
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:38,000
Speaker 1: when she came she was home, but she wasn't present.

1136
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:40,160
Speaker 1: She wasn't present when she was home. But it's like

1137
00:55:40,280 --> 00:55:42,239
Speaker 1: finding that balance and how to make sure you're present

1138
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:44,479
Speaker 1: but still getting you know, but still working and still

1139
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:46,160
Speaker 1: you know, it's just all the all the things.

1140
00:55:46,239 --> 00:55:48,719
Speaker 2: No, that's tough, and then like you said, we will

1141
00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:52,040
Speaker 2: mess them up somehow, because it can be. I tell

1142
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:53,920
Speaker 2: Jolie probably too. I love you, I love you, I

1143
00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:55,880
Speaker 2: love you, I love you, like every two frickin seconds

1144
00:55:56,239 --> 00:55:58,960
Speaker 2: so if I keep because I'm wanting that love, that's

1145
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:01,600
Speaker 2: my own issues, but I portraying that on her to

1146
00:56:01,719 --> 00:56:04,560
Speaker 2: get that love, so she's probably gonna have Maybe maybe

1147
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:07,520
Speaker 2: I'm screwing her up that way. I definitely love is

1148
00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:10,200
Speaker 2: definitely going to therapy for opposite reasons I did. So

1149
00:56:10,320 --> 00:56:14,440
Speaker 2: their application of my feelings on this poor thirty pounder

1150
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:16,400
Speaker 2: is like, I can't keep my mother happy.

1151
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:20,719
Speaker 5: She's like, why you need more validation? Okay, Oh love

1152
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:23,360
Speaker 5: her so much too much not to put the negative

1153
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,359
Speaker 5: part of it. No, but I mean that's a real

1154
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,239
Speaker 5: the reality, and I think that's it. But again we're

1155
00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:32,400
Speaker 5: conscious of that. Yes, more, we're more like Christen, like

1156
00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:37,120
Speaker 5: you said, we're more in tune to ways to be

1157
00:56:37,239 --> 00:56:38,719
Speaker 5: careful of maybe not.

1158
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:41,279
Speaker 2: Screwing them up to a tea, which I think is

1159
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:41,759
Speaker 2: half the work.

1160
00:56:41,840 --> 00:56:44,160
Speaker 1: Sure, just want to we can cheat on our private

1161
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 1: like what we need to do.

1162
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:47,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, like in the next thirty minutes when we get

1163
00:56:47,160 --> 00:56:51,480
Speaker 5: back on when they start knowing her for our private session.

1164
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:55,480
Speaker 2: Okay, let's read an email before we say goodbye. I

1165
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:56,720
Speaker 2: can't mom, January.

1166
00:56:57,440 --> 00:56:59,320
Speaker 1: It's not happy from Alicia.

1167
00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:02,239
Speaker 2: Help. I'm desperate. My husband and I have had a

1168
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:04,480
Speaker 2: lot of trust issues lately, and we've been trying to

1169
00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:08,280
Speaker 2: work through them. A couple months ago, I found cocaine

1170
00:57:08,400 --> 00:57:12,800
Speaker 2: in his wallet. He said it was a friends, and

1171
00:57:12,880 --> 00:57:15,359
Speaker 2: I chose to believe him until I found some again later.

1172
00:57:16,240 --> 00:57:18,600
Speaker 2: He said he was holding it for his friend, who

1173
00:57:18,720 --> 00:57:21,840
Speaker 2: was hiding it from his wife. He said the friend

1174
00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:25,880
Speaker 2: has done it around him, but he hasn't done it himself.

1175
00:57:26,520 --> 00:57:28,240
Speaker 2: He knows I would not be okay, as we have

1176
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:30,960
Speaker 2: three children. Well now he's gotten smarter about where he

1177
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:34,640
Speaker 2: hides it, and I found four bags of it in

1178
00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:37,720
Speaker 2: his car. He may be selling it, but I also

1179
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:40,320
Speaker 2: think he's doing it since addition to the bags of coke,

1180
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:43,600
Speaker 2: I found a folded picture frame and inside, Oh damn,

1181
00:57:43,800 --> 00:57:47,280
Speaker 2: inside was a rolled up bill with coke clearly on

1182
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:51,040
Speaker 2: it and a credit card. I haven't confronted him because

1183
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:53,880
Speaker 2: I know he'll lie again. I'm confused and I love him,

1184
00:57:54,040 --> 00:57:56,200
Speaker 2: but I worry if I can afford to keep our

1185
00:57:56,280 --> 00:57:58,400
Speaker 2: home since we filed bankruptcy a few months ago.

1186
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:00,120
Speaker 1: Dang h.

1187
00:58:04,400 --> 00:58:09,680
Speaker 2: So I'm sorry you're going through this. It's probably safe

1188
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:16,760
Speaker 2: to say from this email he's obviously not holding it

1189
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:21,000
Speaker 2: for a friend. It is his either way. Yeah, and

1190
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,520
Speaker 2: he might maybe he's selling it. I don't know, but

1191
00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:26,800
Speaker 2: it's it's his cocaine. Whether he's I don't think he's

1192
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:28,439
Speaker 2: just holding it for a friend. That's like, hey, dude,

1193
00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:29,920
Speaker 2: like my wife doesn't want this in the house, Like

1194
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:32,800
Speaker 2: there's so in high school anymore. So holding it for

1195
00:58:32,840 --> 00:58:34,440
Speaker 2: a friend doesn't work. That's like what you say when

1196
00:58:34,440 --> 00:58:36,400
Speaker 2: you're sixteen to get busted. So I need him to

1197
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:40,160
Speaker 2: get a little bit. Yeah, a little ownership either way

1198
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:45,160
Speaker 2: would be I the bankruptc I mean, because another side

1199
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:47,280
Speaker 2: is like, you know, is he maybe selling it because

1200
00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:50,120
Speaker 2: they're going through some financial problems right now. Doesn't make

1201
00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:53,360
Speaker 2: it okay at all, does not make it okay, especially

1202
00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:56,680
Speaker 2: with them having three kids. But she needs to know. Yeah,

1203
00:58:57,000 --> 00:59:03,920
Speaker 2: obviously though in my opinion, I one thousand percent that

1204
00:59:04,040 --> 00:59:07,240
Speaker 2: it is his. That's what I think. I think if

1205
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:09,600
Speaker 2: he says comes up with a lie, that's just that's

1206
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:15,479
Speaker 2: for example, let me just I was dating someone because

1207
00:59:15,520 --> 00:59:17,480
Speaker 2: I just I have friends that have done cocaine. I've

1208
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:20,040
Speaker 2: never touched cocaine. I've never touched a drug in my life,

1209
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:24,240
Speaker 2: haven't done it. But I remember I was dating a

1210
00:59:24,320 --> 00:59:27,080
Speaker 2: guy and he would you know, He's like, I don't

1211
00:59:27,120 --> 00:59:28,760
Speaker 2: do cocaine. I was like, okay. I was like, well

1212
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:30,480
Speaker 2: at that time, I was like, if you do, well,

1213
00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:32,120
Speaker 2: you just tell me because I just for some I

1214
00:59:32,240 --> 00:59:34,000
Speaker 2: just I just don't know, Like and I you know

1215
00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:36,800
Speaker 2: what I'm kind of walking into. And he's like, yeah, absolutely,

1216
00:59:37,520 --> 00:59:39,040
Speaker 2: He's like, but I don't do it. I'm like, okay.

1217
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:41,880
Speaker 2: So I remember I walked down the steps and I

1218
00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:45,080
Speaker 2: hear him snorting in the bathroom and I walk in

1219
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:48,400
Speaker 2: and I'm and I clearly saw him snore a line

1220
00:59:48,440 --> 00:59:52,800
Speaker 2: of cocaine and I go, what are you doing? And

1221
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:57,760
Speaker 2: he goes, I'm using Afron and I'm like, I just

1222
00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:03,440
Speaker 2: saw you snort cocaine off the countertop, Like what do

1223
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:07,120
Speaker 2: you mean? And then but then he made me believe

1224
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:10,919
Speaker 2: that it was the Afron and that that's like you said,

1225
01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:14,160
Speaker 2: it was the addict. And finally I was just like,

1226
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:18,520
Speaker 2: I can't be in this relationship, Like I even asked

1227
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:21,680
Speaker 2: you to be honest with me about it. Yeah. So,

1228
01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:24,120
Speaker 2: and to me, this feels like this this might be

1229
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:27,960
Speaker 2: an addiction because of the and I brought that example

1230
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:30,160
Speaker 2: up to say that this might be an addiction because

1231
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,120
Speaker 2: of the constant lying, lying, yeah. The lying, Yeah, the

1232
01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:36,680
Speaker 2: lying behavior and the not coming forward and continually finding it.

1233
01:00:36,880 --> 01:00:42,720
Speaker 2: So I applaud you for not going to him yet,

1234
01:00:42,720 --> 01:00:44,760
Speaker 2: but I think that you need to have a plan

1235
01:00:44,920 --> 01:00:47,520
Speaker 2: in place for your kids, and a plan in place

1236
01:00:47,680 --> 01:00:51,560
Speaker 2: to ask for help. If there's a family member you

1237
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:53,560
Speaker 2: can go to take the kids away. Like, I would

1238
01:00:53,600 --> 01:00:56,880
Speaker 2: not confront him around the kids, right, we all agree

1239
01:00:56,880 --> 01:00:59,120
Speaker 2: once to that, not confronting around the kids.

1240
01:00:59,360 --> 01:01:01,000
Speaker 1: He needs help, he needs to go to therapy. But

1241
01:01:01,040 --> 01:01:02,080
Speaker 1: then it's earth, Well it's money.

1242
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,720
Speaker 2: How expensive is rehab It's so expensive, so expensive. Well,

1243
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:09,360
Speaker 2: what he needs to do first is be honest. Yeah. Well,

1244
01:01:09,400 --> 01:01:11,200
Speaker 2: and that's that's where I think he should take the

1245
01:01:11,280 --> 01:01:13,600
Speaker 2: kids out. Kids have to be away. I grew up.

1246
01:01:13,640 --> 01:01:18,360
Speaker 2: Put them out of this. Yeah addiction, dat addiction. Take

1247
01:01:18,400 --> 01:01:19,680
Speaker 2: the kids out of the house. Yeah.

1248
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:22,480
Speaker 5: It seeps into them and they take on more than

1249
01:01:22,520 --> 01:01:25,080
Speaker 5: they need to. So I love the fact that she's like,

1250
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:27,200
Speaker 5: I have three kids, and that she's like kind of

1251
01:01:27,240 --> 01:01:28,360
Speaker 5: shielding them already from that.

1252
01:01:29,120 --> 01:01:33,040
Speaker 2: Now I don't, And and then I would ask him

1253
01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:36,320
Speaker 2: to go get help because clearly, whether it's in a

1254
01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:40,360
Speaker 2: drug addiction or whatever, like he needs some therapy, some

1255
01:01:40,480 --> 01:01:43,040
Speaker 2: help and y'all need like a good separation because I'm

1256
01:01:43,080 --> 01:01:46,080
Speaker 2: not saying divorce him, But if he's not willing to

1257
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:48,600
Speaker 2: continue to get help and do better, then I don't

1258
01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:51,439
Speaker 2: see then in my opinion, that's but I do think

1259
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,800
Speaker 2: he deserves the opportunity to try to change. Sure, I

1260
01:01:55,920 --> 01:01:58,760
Speaker 2: do too, because I do believe I believe in change.

1261
01:01:58,880 --> 01:01:59,280
Speaker 1: I do too.

1262
01:01:59,440 --> 01:02:02,680
Speaker 2: But if he keeps messing up, then yeah, I just

1263
01:02:02,760 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 2: as Yeah, we need to be some ownership there for sure,

1264
01:02:06,120 --> 01:02:09,280
Speaker 2: take the kids out, do some therapy, good separation, yeah,

1265
01:02:10,240 --> 01:02:13,160
Speaker 2: really ask for some and we just need to even

1266
01:02:13,160 --> 01:02:14,440
Speaker 2: she doesn't even really know what she's dealing with.

1267
01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:18,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's hard the bankrupt thing. Man, that doesn't

1268
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:20,360
Speaker 1: I hate to say that, but when there's not a

1269
01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:23,240
Speaker 1: lot of money there, it's hard to not a lot

1270
01:02:23,280 --> 01:02:25,560
Speaker 1: of money. But I mean it's expensive. But there are

1271
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:27,880
Speaker 1: some programs I think that you can get in that

1272
01:02:30,200 --> 01:02:32,560
Speaker 1: I think that are like, you know, state funded or something.

1273
01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:34,480
Speaker 1: There's got to be something out there where he can

1274
01:02:34,560 --> 01:02:36,120
Speaker 1: go and get help that's not going to cost a

1275
01:02:36,200 --> 01:02:36,640
Speaker 1: lot of money.

1276
01:02:36,800 --> 01:02:39,760
Speaker 5: Every time I've taken a faithful step into some dark place,

1277
01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:43,000
Speaker 5: I always feel like I've watched God provide for me,

1278
01:02:43,200 --> 01:02:46,720
Speaker 5: so hm, I agreed. I know that may seem like

1279
01:02:46,800 --> 01:02:48,920
Speaker 5: a very impossible thing to wrap your mind around, but

1280
01:02:49,040 --> 01:02:51,800
Speaker 5: it's like, if you're taking a good step to protect

1281
01:02:51,920 --> 01:02:54,520
Speaker 5: your children who are also God's children, and maybe make

1282
01:02:54,560 --> 01:02:57,160
Speaker 5: another broken child healthy who happens to be your husband,

1283
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:59,560
Speaker 5: then I feel like at some point someone will present

1284
01:02:59,600 --> 01:03:01,560
Speaker 5: themselves for a way to wiggle out of this, or

1285
01:03:01,560 --> 01:03:02,560
Speaker 5: at least start the shift.

1286
01:03:03,400 --> 01:03:03,800
Speaker 1: I love that.

1287
01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:07,520
Speaker 2: Amenh three to one more from Misty expecting. My husband

1288
01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:09,800
Speaker 2: and I are expecting our first child together in July.

1289
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:11,520
Speaker 2: As soon as we both found out, our reaction was

1290
01:03:11,560 --> 01:03:13,439
Speaker 2: stress and panic. We need to get into a house,

1291
01:03:13,560 --> 01:03:15,440
Speaker 2: but we have no money for one. Is it normal

1292
01:03:15,680 --> 01:03:18,520
Speaker 2: to not be that happy or not happy at all

1293
01:03:18,600 --> 01:03:20,920
Speaker 2: that I'm actually pregnant. Our entire family is stoked, but

1294
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 2: we aren't. Any advice would be tremendously appreciated.

1295
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:26,600
Speaker 5: You do not have to live in a house to

1296
01:03:26,640 --> 01:03:30,320
Speaker 5: have a baby, No, you don't. We lived in a condo,

1297
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:34,320
Speaker 5: Dave Ramsey says it. They actually take up the least

1298
01:03:34,320 --> 01:03:36,280
Speaker 5: amount of space and all the stuff we put with

1299
01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:39,720
Speaker 5: them is kind of like not real life, you know,

1300
01:03:40,800 --> 01:03:42,480
Speaker 5: I just would I mean, we lived in a thousand

1301
01:03:42,480 --> 01:03:44,320
Speaker 5: square feet and there was three of us and two dogs.

1302
01:03:45,040 --> 01:03:47,080
Speaker 5: So I don't think you have to have a house.

1303
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:50,360
Speaker 5: There's something that we all think at first, we all

1304
01:03:50,480 --> 01:03:51,000
Speaker 5: kind of panic.

1305
01:03:51,080 --> 01:03:53,080
Speaker 2: I think I don't. I think there should be no

1306
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:57,760
Speaker 2: panic is normal? Yeah, because you're about to take one.

1307
01:03:57,920 --> 01:03:59,080
Speaker 2: It's a lot of responsibility.

1308
01:03:59,400 --> 01:04:00,280
Speaker 1: Absolutely, yeah.

1309
01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:02,720
Speaker 2: I don't think, especially if you weren't prepared for it.

1310
01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:07,360
Speaker 2: Even if you are prepared for, you bad planning for Yeah.

1311
01:04:07,840 --> 01:04:09,280
Speaker 1: Yeah absolutely yeah.

1312
01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:14,520
Speaker 5: And then not does she say not wanting it or no, No,

1313
01:04:15,080 --> 01:04:16,760
Speaker 5: just that I think there was a lot of projected

1314
01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:19,640
Speaker 5: like qualifications that she doesn't.

1315
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:23,200
Speaker 2: Have that unhappy, not happy. I think she should not

1316
01:04:23,320 --> 01:04:25,160
Speaker 2: be putting so much because I think it's like you

1317
01:04:25,280 --> 01:04:27,720
Speaker 2: have to be happy, you should be happy. It's like,

1318
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:29,600
Speaker 2: well that's what people say, but you might not be

1319
01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:32,040
Speaker 2: in that moment. Like I remember after I Jace, I

1320
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:34,680
Speaker 2: was like, was I happier with Jolie when I was pregnant?

1321
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:34,800
Speaker 3: You know?

1322
01:04:34,840 --> 01:04:38,160
Speaker 2: When I got right, It's like because you're you're trying

1323
01:04:38,200 --> 01:04:39,800
Speaker 2: to compare and you're seeing what other people are doing,

1324
01:04:39,880 --> 01:04:43,200
Speaker 2: It's like, just take your experience and just give yourself

1325
01:04:43,240 --> 01:04:43,680
Speaker 2: some grace.

1326
01:04:43,840 --> 01:04:46,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's too much pressure. Just feel the way that

1327
01:04:46,240 --> 01:04:48,960
Speaker 1: you feel. Wait till the baby gets here. Yeah, you

1328
01:04:49,040 --> 01:04:51,320
Speaker 1: were going you know you're going to feel differently once

1329
01:04:51,400 --> 01:04:52,200
Speaker 1: the baby gets here.

1330
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:55,920
Speaker 5: Remember that people did this like in covered wagons. That

1331
01:04:56,080 --> 01:04:58,200
Speaker 5: was my go to mantra for myself. Like, it doesn't

1332
01:04:58,280 --> 01:05:00,800
Speaker 5: have to be a million gadgets a big house.

1333
01:05:00,960 --> 01:05:01,280
Speaker 2: It could.

1334
01:05:02,240 --> 01:05:04,840
Speaker 5: They really just like pajamas and their mama for a

1335
01:05:04,880 --> 01:05:07,760
Speaker 5: really long time. Anyways, it's a lot of pressure taking

1336
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:10,400
Speaker 5: off me when I could simplify it, simplify.

1337
01:05:10,000 --> 01:05:13,000
Speaker 2: That in my brain. All right, guys, I don't I

1338
01:05:13,120 --> 01:05:17,280
Speaker 2: want to come to I get another email. I have

1339
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:21,000
Speaker 2: separation anxiety. We'll do this again, I promise.

1340
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:21,360
Speaker 3: I need you to.

1341
01:05:21,480 --> 01:05:23,440
Speaker 2: Pinky swear's bring it up.

1342
01:05:26,520 --> 01:05:26,880
Speaker 1: We'll do it.

1343
01:05:27,160 --> 01:05:29,280
Speaker 2: Everyone love this. So we're gonna at least do at

1344
01:05:29,400 --> 01:05:32,520
Speaker 2: least once a month. I will stick to that. We

1345
01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:34,200
Speaker 2: will try our best to at Lisa once a month.

1346
01:05:34,360 --> 01:05:38,480
Speaker 2: Mommy sign off, Mommy play how I Live Without you?

1347
01:05:38,640 --> 01:05:38,800
Speaker 5: Now?

1348
01:05:40,440 --> 01:05:44,760
Speaker 2: Okay, bye, guys, that was fun, Love you, thanks for

1349
01:05:44,920 --> 01:05:47,720
Speaker 2: having me and mom January signing off