Speaker 1: I got a call in the post office from my
Speaker 1: agent in London, going, I want to see you for.
Speaker 2: A Bond film.
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, I'm going to be a
Speaker 2: Bond girl. And she was like, no, you don't fuck
Speaker 2: anyone and you don't kill anyone.
Speaker 3: You just sing a country in western song.
Speaker 2: I was like, great, I'm in, I'm in. And then
Speaker 2: you were in gold and I too.
Speaker 3: That's right. Actually, my god, look what I've got. It's
Speaker 3: next to me here machine. You're on it. You're on it.
Speaker 2: I take it, you bastard. I've seen one of these.
Speaker 3: I'm on the fucking pinball machine?
Speaker 1: Is it you?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: There you are? Oh my god, on the pin.
Speaker 3: I'm By'm underneath you.
Speaker 2: Okay, Alan, I can't even believe it. I don't believe
Speaker 2: that you have.
Speaker 3: The bimber and also do the other thing about that
Speaker 3: film is that it's a video game. I didn't know
Speaker 3: about that until years later. And I had an assistant
Speaker 3: called Landon at the time, and I said, Landon, I'm
Speaker 3: in a video game. He was like, yeah, I know.
Speaker 3: If you piss me off, I go home and shoot
Speaker 3: you in the balls.
Speaker 1: Hello, I'm Mini Driver and welcome to the mini questions.
Speaker 1: I've always loved Pru's questionnaire. It was originally an eighteenth
Speaker 1: century parlor game meant to reveal an individual's true nature.
Speaker 1: But with so many questions, there wasn't really an opportunity
Speaker 1: to expand on anything. So I took the format of
Speaker 1: Prus's questionnaire and adapted What I think are seven of
Speaker 1: the most important questions you could ever ask someone. They
Speaker 1: are when and where were you happiest? What is the
Speaker 1: quality you like least about yourself? What relationship, real or fictionalized,
Speaker 1: defines love for you? What question would you most like answered,
Speaker 1: What person, place, or experience has shaped you the most?
Speaker 1: What would be your last meal? And can you tell
Speaker 1: me something in your life that has grown out of
Speaker 1: a personal disaster. The more people we ask, the more
Speaker 1: we begin to see what makes us similar and what
Speaker 1: makes us individual. I've gathered a group of really remarkable
Speaker 1: people who I am honored and humbled to have had
Speaker 1: a chance to engage with. My guest today is Alan Cumming.
Speaker 1: He is an actor in movies like X Men and
Speaker 1: in the TV show The Good Wife. He is an author,
Speaker 1: he has an obe, and he is a podcaster. He's
Speaker 1: also an articulate, powerful voice in and for the LGBTQ community,
Speaker 1: and he's been my friend for thirty years. We made
Speaker 1: the short film together called That Sunday in the early nineties.
Speaker 1: It's worth having a dig and finding it if you can,
Speaker 1: along with the film Circle of Friends and then Gold
Speaker 1: and Eye. I had a hard time not constantly interrupting
Speaker 1: and finishing his sentences in this interview, largely because my
Speaker 1: brain likes to go down the same pathways as Alan's,
Speaker 1: which is to say, off the main road and deep
Speaker 1: into glorious woodland. He is a deep and generous soul
Speaker 1: and has a way of sharing the painful hearts of
Speaker 1: his past with great compassion and great humor. What relationship,
Speaker 1: real or fictionalized, defines love for you? Well?
Speaker 2: Is it you and me? In Circle of Friends?
Speaker 3: What did I call you?
Speaker 1: You? What?
Speaker 2: What does it you call me? I can remember, hold on,
Speaker 2: I can see it.
Speaker 3: Some remember said in a bit of the Succulent Bird.
Speaker 3: But that wasn't ast talking about the chicken eating as
Speaker 3: I was eluding. But at the end I say something
Speaker 3: awful to you.
Speaker 2: He called me something bitch, and I can't remember what
Speaker 2: it is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, But back to love. Unconditional love. I think
Speaker 3: with Grant Schaeffer, my husband upstairs. Not that I've got
Speaker 3: another one downstairs, but you know what I mean, I.
Speaker 2: Was going to say, show me the one in the basement.
Speaker 3: I feel I've reached a point with him after so
Speaker 3: long where it's you know, he pisses me off, but
Speaker 3: I just feel this completely solid, true thing that I
Speaker 3: just can't imagine we can get over anything.
Speaker 2: Does that define love for you, that notion of.
Speaker 3: Solid unconditional love, unconditional love? It, yes, I think, yeah,
Speaker 3: because I no matter what happens, I'm going to have
Speaker 3: this love right, no.
Speaker 1: Matter the circumstances, the vagaries of the circumstance.
Speaker 3: In life exactly. But then, actually, what I would say
Speaker 3: is more unconditional love is my relationship with dogs. So
Speaker 3: I've got La La and Jerry upstairs, and I'm very
Speaker 3: attached to La La and attaching to them both. But
Speaker 3: you know, I think I'm more of a special relationship
Speaker 3: with La La. And I had my dog Honey before that.
Speaker 3: There's a sort of a statue of her over there
Speaker 3: on a little deck, who was my longest adult relationship.
Speaker 3: I mean, Grant has now superseded her, but She was
Speaker 3: the longest relationship I had, through thick and thin, through
Speaker 3: terrible things in my life. That was a true, unconditional love.
Speaker 3: And I talk about her all the time. Actually, she's
Speaker 3: sort of very pleasant in her life. And then she's
Speaker 3: in the portrait of me at the Scottish National Portrait Girl.
Speaker 3: That is she's referenced.
Speaker 2: Oh, the one that replaced the queen.
Speaker 3: Yes, that replaced the queen.
Speaker 2: I love that your portrait replaced the queen.
Speaker 3: It brought the queen that the queen was in the
Speaker 3: blanket over or taken into somebody.
Speaker 2: Put the queen down, and they put it.
Speaker 3: Another queen up and set your queen. Jokes here. They
Speaker 3: moved me around the last time. I think I was
Speaker 3: in between Tilda Swinton and Nanny Lennox. That's a nice sandwich.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's the best sandwich ever. But wait,
Speaker 2: but Honey's in that portrait.
Speaker 3: Well she's yes, because she died just before I got painted.
Speaker 3: And the guy was asking me about things. So there's
Speaker 3: a little jar beside me and it says Honey on
Speaker 3: it in the picture.
Speaker 2: Ashes.
Speaker 3: No, no, it's just a jar into the picture. Thought
Speaker 3: her ashes are upstairs.
Speaker 1: I was going to say, was that her ashes that
Speaker 1: just said honey No, actually was a.
Speaker 2: Jar of honey.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the jar of honey, but it says honey
Speaker 3: on it and then it says yes, yes, yes, because
Speaker 3: I was really sad about this Scots independence thing had
Speaker 3: gone the wrong way.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: What was hilarious was I'm wearing this kilt round my
Speaker 3: neck in the portrait and it was unveiled at the
Speaker 3: Scots National Portrait Galery in the big you know, main
Speaker 3: place to take the Queen down, you know, and it's
Speaker 3: all posh and everyone's having drinks and it's a film
Speaker 3: tree because they're filming it for that Sky Portrait Artist
Speaker 3: of the Year thing, and that say a few words.
Speaker 3: I said, Oh, it's so exciting because this tartan the
Speaker 3: kill Time wedding, it's the official Tartan of the Yes
Speaker 3: campaign for independence. And it was all these clinking of
Speaker 3: glasses of the old Unionists in the room and it
Speaker 3: was such such a great thing for me, like to
Speaker 3: know that in that painting, which he'll be there forever,
Speaker 3: it's not only his little honey reference, but this subversive
Speaker 3: little message that I managed to get in. But yes,
Speaker 3: when I realized she was going to die before me.
Speaker 3: I remember just thinking, no, you know, Honey's in my life.
Speaker 3: She's my sort of girlfriend. And I just remember when
Speaker 3: someone sort of said some of the reference about her
Speaker 3: dying and I thought, oh my god, she's a dog. Yes,
Speaker 3: the dogs die before you. She's going to die. And
Speaker 3: it was such a weird things. I so thought of
Speaker 3: her as like a human relationship. How much sort of
Speaker 3: time I took to think about her and the way
Speaker 3: she featured in my life and the decisions I had
Speaker 3: to make because of her was very much like having
Speaker 3: an actual person.
Speaker 2: I totally understand that my big you've.
Speaker 3: Got puts his name down on you look at your feet.
Speaker 1: Okay, well Bob, Bob's a difficult so and I closes it.
Speaker 2: He's not listening. He's a bit deaf. Anyway.
Speaker 1: The true great love of my life was my labrador Bubba,
Speaker 1: who I had for seventeen years.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, who died in my arms.
Speaker 1: And she was the greatest precursor to having a child,
Speaker 1: particularly having a son. And there's a lot of similarities,
Speaker 1: like if anyone wants to have a road test having a.
Speaker 2: Baby boy, get a labrador.
Speaker 3: Right right.
Speaker 2: They just want to be loved rambunctious.
Speaker 1: They want to eat, they jump around a lot of
Speaker 1: need exercise, and you need to go to sleep when
Speaker 1: they do.
Speaker 2: And that's it, right, It's the same protocol.
Speaker 3: I always think people should have a dog first when
Speaker 3: they're thinking about kids.
Speaker 2: Exactly.
Speaker 3: Remember Rachel wevice. We were chatting. She said to grad
Speaker 3: do you have children. You went, well, we have two
Speaker 3: dogs and Bubba. And they had the conversation about dogs
Speaker 3: for a bit and then he said to her, what
Speaker 3: about you, And Rachel went, well, I have a human child.
Speaker 3: I don't bless you for entertaining these two old queers
Speaker 3: who are just talking about their dogs. And you have
Speaker 3: to remind us that your child is a humans.
Speaker 1: Very respectful to qualify that it was a human child,
Speaker 1: so as to not denigrate your fur babies.
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh, I hate for a babies though. I hate
Speaker 3: that way.
Speaker 2: I hate it.
Speaker 1: It's like it's hashtag blessed lives in the same space file.
Speaker 3: And also like when the Honey died and people said, oh,
Speaker 3: you'll meet them in the rainbow know they fucking won't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, No, I on a dynamite that ship.
Speaker 3: I hate that really me too, It's.
Speaker 2: Snow rainbow bridge.
Speaker 1: I do sometimes see Bubba when I'm in a soul
Speaker 1: cycle class, though, like he's running beside me on the
Speaker 1: stationary bike.
Speaker 2: It's really weird.
Speaker 3: Wow. But you know, a sort of a fever of sweat,
Speaker 3: and so it feels exactly cultish.
Speaker 2: It's totally cultish.
Speaker 3: It's amazing, and I can imagine you're getting into a revere.
Speaker 1: It's like it's like being in a really sweaty cult
Speaker 1: with their motivational speaker at the helm of this ship.
Speaker 1: And I think you do go into a bit of
Speaker 1: a trance and then you start seeing your dead dog.
Speaker 2: This is my favorite question. What would be your last meal?
Speaker 3: I would have still these the stow this. This is
Speaker 3: an old Scottish thing. I guess it's because it's on
Speaker 3: the stove. It's like supposed to be when you're drinking.
Speaker 3: You leave it there and you're going. You have a
Speaker 3: little some steeves. It's potatoes and onions, meat it. I
Speaker 3: do a vegan version. It's delicious. It's just like the
Speaker 3: most carby starchy thing, so delicious. I put guardic and
Speaker 3: other things, so source and blah blah blah. See I
Speaker 3: really think I'm a peasant. I really it's so interesting.
Speaker 3: I discovered recently I'm part Portuguese. I did that thing
Speaker 3: you send off. I'm six percent Portuguese.
Speaker 2: Oh that's quite a lot, is it.
Speaker 3: I had no idea. I'm a little bit sort of
Speaker 3: German and there was a few percentage of there, but
Speaker 3: you know, mostly Scottish and north of England.
Speaker 1: I'm literally an Anglo Saxon like I basically was either
Speaker 1: one of the people that the Vikings came and found
Speaker 1: who already.
Speaker 3: Lived here, a bit of picked, a bit of.
Speaker 1: I have nothing exotic in me at all, unless i'm
Speaker 1: you know, drinking tequila. That's the most exotic I get
Speaker 1: something interesting in me.
Speaker 3: Funny. I love that I was a little more saucy
Speaker 3: than I thought, but mostly you know, white Scottish boy.
Speaker 3: But the thing was, I'm very much a peasant. I
Speaker 3: really feel very peasanty, and I know that I am
Speaker 3: from sort of peasant stock on my father's side of
Speaker 3: the family too.
Speaker 1: Are you utter complete peasants, some of who could play
Speaker 1: musical instruments and so we're musical peasants.
Speaker 3: Musical peasants. I love that. That's a good band we're going.
Speaker 2: So you're a peasant, So what does that mean you
Speaker 2: like eating?
Speaker 3: So my dad's family all worked and lived on Codor
Speaker 3: estate for generations, like on the farms or in the forestry.
Speaker 3: My dad was a forester. And then what was hilarious
Speaker 3: is that if you go to Coder Castle you look
Speaker 3: up on the wall, there's a portrait of me. No, seriously,
Speaker 3: it looks like me in a period film. It's insane.
Speaker 3: And when it was open to the public about the
Speaker 3: nineties summing or whatever, people send me this postcard the
Speaker 3: sun said what the hell? And then I thought, wait
Speaker 3: a minute, maybe there was some dabbling below stay, because
Speaker 3: I mean, of course that I look so much like
Speaker 3: that man who was like the first Dail of Cordor
Speaker 3: or something.
Speaker 2: So actually you think that you are an.
Speaker 3: Aristocrat of peasant stock. But there was dabbling below stairs.
Speaker 3: And if I could just get one of the Corridor
Speaker 3: families DNA chunk of their hair, yeah, and do it,
Speaker 3: I would be able to prove. But I don't think
Speaker 3: I want to do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we need to go to a few more parties
Speaker 1: and like steal some whiskey.
Speaker 3: Glasses would hilarious.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, duchess.
Speaker 3: There was always at that thing about remember they were
Speaker 3: trying to get Prince Hardie's den and the people are
Speaker 3: trying to steal bits of Prince Hardie's hair.
Speaker 2: I felt it was happening in a nightclub.
Speaker 1: I think my brother was working the door and some yeah,
Speaker 1: somebody was trying to sort of snip Harry's hat.
Speaker 3: Can you imagine god Pool love?
Speaker 1: And I wonder he's gone to California. I mean, seriously, man, quick,
Speaker 1: get back to the face.
Speaker 3: So the food, because of my peasant thing. I love
Speaker 3: food that is one bowl of the same thing. Like
Speaker 3: you know, if you have too many different options, I
Speaker 3: You've got, like you know, alls of vegetables. It's too
Speaker 3: overwhelming for me. I don't like it. I like to
Speaker 3: mush them all together. And I like to eat things
Speaker 3: with a spoon. It's that I love more than anything,
Speaker 3: the feeling of having the same taste again and again
Speaker 3: and eating it with a spoon. That's what I would do.
Speaker 3: I suppose it's very like like baby foods. It's probably
Speaker 3: going back to this. It's like there's seven ages of man.
Speaker 3: But that's what my last meal would be.
Speaker 1: Stuve is it's very safe. Then it feels very primal.
Speaker 1: That and also understandable. Something that is in one ball comforting.
Speaker 1: It's comforting, do you know what I mean? I get
Speaker 1: confused in posh restaurants sometimes. I mean I've been undone
Speaker 1: by like a foam on top of something.
Speaker 2: God saved me from foam. It looks it looks like,
Speaker 2: it looks like fish spit. I can't do it. I
Speaker 2: agree with you.
Speaker 1: I like a bowl and those have become fashionable now.
Speaker 1: You know there are a menu like a bowl. Would
Speaker 1: you like the ancient grain bowl?
Speaker 3: Yes, that's right, there's the Buddha bowl and things.
Speaker 2: Do those make you happy?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I like those, and I think I'm more in
Speaker 3: the Asian thing as well, like I you know, I
Speaker 3: loved I made a film in Australian. They had Kanji
Speaker 3: for breakfast, which is like poor edge, and then you
Speaker 3: put all these things in it. I love. That's my dream.
Speaker 2: Oh God, that is delicious. I like pokey balls in.
Speaker 3: A like in Hawaii a pokey board.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I lived there for a while and I
Speaker 1: ate a lot of what did we in Hawaiian?
Speaker 2: Oh? I left Hollywood. I left Hollywood.
Speaker 1: I hated it and nobody noticed I'd left because I
Speaker 1: all like I'd like two films come out the year
Speaker 1: that I went and lived in Hawaii.
Speaker 2: It was quite funny.
Speaker 1: I went there just to write music and to surf
Speaker 1: and to live on the beach and hang out.
Speaker 3: Gosh, I made a film there, that Tempest film that
Speaker 3: Julia Timore Helen Mirrin was was prospero prospera, and we
Speaker 3: were it was just so hilarious, like being in the
Speaker 3: hot tub with like Chris Cooper and David Strath there
Speaker 3: and Tom Knti and Russell Brand and you know, practicing
Speaker 3: our lines for the next day in the hot tub
Speaker 3: of the Four Seasons and in that funny little island camera.
Speaker 3: Quite a long time, I went back and forward a bit,
Speaker 3: such a Huto.
Speaker 2: Love, Okay, what question would you most like? Answered?
Speaker 1: Ugh?
Speaker 3: I mean, I think it would have to be what
Speaker 3: was wrong with my father? What it was the true
Speaker 3: mental diagnosis of him? You know, I think I think
Speaker 3: maybe ten years ago and said why did my father
Speaker 3: not love me? And I've got over that one, you know,
Speaker 3: as I found out all this evidence about him, you know,
Speaker 3: I came to the conclusion not just like, oh he's
Speaker 3: insane and awful, but he's just was mentally ill and
Speaker 3: I would love to get proper diagnosis, and I never
Speaker 3: will because I was I can't examine him or have
Speaker 3: anyone examine him, But that, to me is something I
Speaker 3: would really love to have answered, just what it actually
Speaker 3: was that made him behave the way he did.
Speaker 1: Do you think that if a person can give something
Speaker 1: a name it can be understood better, does it stay
Speaker 1: nebulous and therefore threatening if you can't contain it with
Speaker 1: the world.
Speaker 3: I think it's just a thing of it takes outside
Speaker 3: of your experience. It makes it something that exists in
Speaker 3: the world that wasn't just about you, you know, So
Speaker 3: perhaps that is what you're saying. And I've talked to
Speaker 3: psychiatrists about this, you know. I have actually spent quite
Speaker 3: a lot of time trying to diagnose my father from
Speaker 3: beyond the great personality disorders that he clearly had, but
Speaker 3: there's more, and I just I don't know quite why
Speaker 3: and when, you know, and what kicked it in And
Speaker 3: because something that was such a big part of my life,
Speaker 3: that is kind of a mystery. And I've definitely made
Speaker 3: peace of that, and I understand truly that he was
Speaker 3: mentally ill, and I've made it easier to to come
Speaker 3: to terms with and to forgive, and to sort of
Speaker 3: not too much to forgive. That was easy, but to
Speaker 3: sort of place what happened to me in a context
Speaker 3: that I can get myself out of it. But obviously
Speaker 3: it's I'm never going to have a proper answer, So
Speaker 3: that would be the thing I would like the answer to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sorry, you won't have the answer to that question.
Speaker 2: I hope that the exploration or the interrogation of what
Speaker 2: it might be.
Speaker 1: I hope that there were enough people that said the
Speaker 1: same thing that I've given you a good idea of
Speaker 1: what it might have been.
Speaker 3: Definitely, there's you know, narcissistic disorder, of psychotic personality, there's
Speaker 3: there's all these things. But you know, you can't really
Speaker 3: do that just on one person's memory. You have to
Speaker 3: get in a bit deeper. So it's so interesting to me.
Speaker 3: I always I'm really fascinated by the various sort of
Speaker 3: little psychological quirks we all have. I agree, And I
Speaker 3: think that's maybe because you know, from such an early age,
Speaker 3: I was so aware of it. I was so aware
Speaker 3: of them. I was aware that my dad was not
Speaker 3: right right from I'm not right as in wrong as
Speaker 3: well as being not right psychologically, I had a very
Speaker 3: good sort of balance between my mum and my dad,
Speaker 3: so I knew that both couldn't be right. And also,
Speaker 3: I you know, hate to say it, but I think
Speaker 3: that's also why I'm quite a good actor, is that
Speaker 3: I can understand get into sort of people's psychological quirks
Speaker 3: because I'm aware of the difference. You know, I see it.
Speaker 3: So yeah, I was used to looking for.
Speaker 1: What person, place, or experience most altered your life.
Speaker 3: Again, I'm going to see my father. I know I
Speaker 3: keep sort of bringing it back there, but.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, it's good because you wrote a book about
Speaker 1: your experiences with your father. And someone very early on
Speaker 1: said to me when I'd not drawing a comparison between
Speaker 1: an abusive childhood and heartbreak, but I was suffering jemry
Speaker 1: from a heartbreak and I wrote a record, and a
Speaker 1: musician that I love said, oh, yeah, you know, wherever possible,
Speaker 1: you should profit off your pain. Whatever that well is
Speaker 1: of you, of your father, that he would be the
Speaker 1: question that you would want answered that it's the person
Speaker 1: who altered or affected your life so much.
Speaker 2: They are connected those questions for you.
Speaker 3: So yeah, exactly, and Also it's sort of you know,
Speaker 3: in positive ways as well. I mean, like, what's really
Speaker 3: had been fascinating is right after we made Circle of Friends, actually,
Speaker 3: I had this nervous breakdown. I remember it was basically
Speaker 3: because I realized, oh, I'm this person. I'm Alan ahaha,
Speaker 3: happy Alan, not terribly different from how I am now.
Speaker 3: I mean into this on the surface, but I was
Speaker 3: a construct of something my father had done that I'd
Speaker 3: not remembered. So I thought, I've become this person by ignoring,
Speaker 3: you know, suppressing this whole side of these things that
Speaker 3: happened to me. I don't want to be this person anymore.
Speaker 3: I want to embrace this terrible thing's happened to me
Speaker 3: to become the person I'm supposed to be. So that
Speaker 3: was a huge thing he influenced me. He got completely
Speaker 3: changed my life. And then when he told me I
Speaker 3: wasn't his son, that was pretty huge. And then the
Speaker 3: ability to go back and talk to him and tell
Speaker 3: him I was indeed his son after I got the
Speaker 3: Dana test and everything. You know, things like that are
Speaker 3: monumental moments that really change you in terms of like
Speaker 3: I stood up to this scariest possible monster, I could
Speaker 3: stand up to I'm now fearless, and then writing about
Speaker 3: it and realizing that actually how important it is and
Speaker 3: how many people's lives I changed by telling my story
Speaker 3: and helped them to be able to deal with things
Speaker 3: in their life. I had no idea that would happen.
Speaker 3: That was such a shocker to me. And then also
Speaker 3: to realize that by doing that, I have brought my
Speaker 3: father back into my life in a way that he
Speaker 3: never was before. So I didn't push him away like
Speaker 3: I thought. I actually brought him in. But as you say,
Speaker 3: it's on my terms. So it's been a series of
Speaker 3: things like that has really truly primarily changed me, and
Speaker 3: all of them actually are positive things. I mean, the
Speaker 3: actual stuff before you know, the childhood was awful, but
Speaker 3: actually as an adult, the huge, sort of cataclysmic things
Speaker 3: that happened were ultimately very very positive things for me
Speaker 3: because it was about becoming my true, authentic self and
Speaker 3: not a construct of something he had made me.
Speaker 2: Oh Johnnie is so articular.
Speaker 3: Oh bless you.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sorry those things happen to you, But
Speaker 1: it sort of feeds into the last question that I have.
Speaker 1: It's very revealing in your life can you tell me
Speaker 1: about something that has grown out of a personal disaster.
Speaker 3: Well, yes, me, this my entire body.
Speaker 2: Definitely me I grew out.
Speaker 3: A personal Yeah. I mean I think I would say
Speaker 3: several relationships that are broken up, like a marriage, a
Speaker 3: couple of marriages, you know, sort of thing that were
Speaker 3: when I was in them would definitely be described as
Speaker 3: personal disasters when they were breaking up, and just the
Speaker 3: sort of the sort of ugliness of all that. But actually,
Speaker 3: you know, getting older and looking back on things and
Speaker 3: seeing the patterns, you notice the patterns of behavior of
Speaker 3: yours as well as other people's. That gives you an
Speaker 3: opportunity to make a decision about are you going to
Speaker 3: behave differently now in this when this happens, or you know,
Speaker 3: are you going to make the same mistake or maybe
Speaker 3: this is a good pattern to repeat. That to me
Speaker 3: is really fascinating. But there's definitely a couple of relationships
Speaker 3: that I've had ended with a personal disaster and beautiful
Speaker 3: things came out. But like I think about talking circle
Speaker 3: of friends, and I like saph On, a nice relationship
Speaker 3: is such a beautiful, strong, loving friendship. I really feel
Speaker 3: that I, you know, and she knows this too, that
Speaker 3: we would be there for each other till we die.
Speaker 3: You know, we were together as a couple for a
Speaker 3: couple of years and that didn't work out. It worked
Speaker 3: out for a while, but then it didn't and actually,
Speaker 3: something so much better has come out of it. So
Speaker 3: there's a couple of people in my life that I
Speaker 3: feel like that about. It's kind of funny that I
Speaker 3: quite a lot of my very close friends have been
Speaker 3: my lovers. Really yeah, quite a lot. Yeah, too many
Speaker 3: actually when you think about it. But I mean not
Speaker 3: in the same way like with Safa, was like we
Speaker 3: were in a proper relationship together. But you know, several
Speaker 3: of my friends more in the gay world, several of
Speaker 3: my male friends I've had sexcellent at some point in
Speaker 3: the past, you know, first and then we stayed friends.
Speaker 3: And I think that's really good. I think it's really good.
Speaker 2: I think it's lovely. I think it's lovely. I think
Speaker 2: it's quite unusual.
Speaker 1: I can count on one hand the people that have
Speaker 1: been lovers that are friends.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's tricky, it's I think it's I think it
Speaker 3: is easier in the same sex relationship, actually, do you why? Yeah,
Speaker 3: Because I think sex is easier in general, actually in
Speaker 3: the same sex relationship to you, Yes, because you understand
Speaker 3: the person.
Speaker 2: Like ergonomically or spiritually.
Speaker 3: Spiritually I mean, yeah, well I sort of both. Because
Speaker 3: you are the same gender as that person, you automatically
Speaker 3: understand more things about how that person works, thinks and feels,
Speaker 3: thinks and feels. And also, I think there and therefore
Speaker 3: you can be more honest with that person. There's not
Speaker 3: such a barrier of a gender. And also, you know,
Speaker 3: men and women are fed so much shit that makes
Speaker 3: it more difficult for them to communicate.
Speaker 2: That is so true.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like we are raised on a completely
Speaker 1: and utterly different social, psychic and mental food.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and impossible to keep up standards. And so anyway,
Speaker 3: I think it's easier to be honest with the person
Speaker 3: of your own sex, and it's easier to move on
Speaker 3: from sex with a person of your own sex as well,
Speaker 3: I do. I mean that's well, look at lesbians. It's
Speaker 3: like a joke, But when you see a group of
Speaker 3: friends who are lesbians, they've all slept each other at
Speaker 3: some point, they're all great friends, and they're all godmothers
Speaker 3: to their children's I think it's it's that's the case
Speaker 3: in point, that you can move on from and still
Speaker 3: keep a loving thing, whereas with men and women it's
Speaker 3: over and that's it. Many years later you can come
Speaker 3: back as the sort of thing. But I don't think
Speaker 3: there's the same sort of illusion into great friendship that
Speaker 3: that can happen in the same sex relationship. Sadly, sadly,
Speaker 3: Oh God, I could talk to you for like ninety nine.
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to come as soon as we're
Speaker 1: all allowed. I'm going to come and find you in
Speaker 1: your remote location.
Speaker 3: I'd glad you to come here.
Speaker 2: My god. I will come. I'll bring I'll come. I'll
Speaker 2: come and play some music. If you got a piano,
Speaker 2: I'll bring my guitar.
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh we've got it all. This has been fun.
Speaker 3: Thanks many. I've really enjoyed this.
Speaker 2: I'm really fascinated and so grateful. You've just shared your
Speaker 2: heart and your life so generously.
Speaker 3: Thank you, dar my pleasure very much. All right, let's
Speaker 3: love to you.
Speaker 1: In closing, I would like to make you aware of
Speaker 1: some projects that Alan has coming up. I think my
Speaker 1: particular favorite is a six part podcast series for Audible
Speaker 1: about a sperm bank heist that he produced and directed
Speaker 1: called Hot White Heist, starring Saturday Night Lives, Bow and Yang,
Speaker 1: along with an ensemble of amazing people including Cynthia Nixon,
Speaker 1: Abby Jacobson, Jane Lynch and Margaret Show. He also has
Speaker 1: a show for Apple TV coming in July called Schmigadoon
Speaker 1: and another show for HBMX also coming in July called
Speaker 1: The Prince. He is the busiest men in show business,
Speaker 1: quite rightly. Mini Questions is hosted and written by Me Minidre,
Speaker 1: supervising producer Aaron Kaufman, Producer Morgan Lavoy, Research assistant Marissa Brown.
Speaker 1: Original music Sorry Baby by a Mini Driver, Additional music
Speaker 1: by Aaron Kaufman. Executive produced by Me and Mangesh Hettikadour.
Speaker 1: Special thanks to Jim Nikolay, Will Pearson, Addison, O'Day, Lisa
Speaker 1: Castella and Annik Oppenheim, a w kPr, Dala Pescador, Kate
Speaker 1: Driver and Jason Weinberg. And constantly solicited tech support Henry
Speaker 1: Driver