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Speaker 1: And Martinez in real life podcast.

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Speaker 2: Melissa Ford, it's my guest today.

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Speaker 1: Everybody, Well, let's afford welcome.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to us, a woman's podcast where there.

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Speaker 1: Is good lighting.

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Speaker 2: The boys are not frolicking around.

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Speaker 1: We're not sad. Look at the woman behind the camera,

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Speaker 1: a woman.

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Speaker 3: Welcome, Thank you. Oh I feels so good. I fetch it.

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Speaker 1: With the boys. Oh god, she.

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Speaker 2: Is in a boy podcast with a bunch of boys.

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Speaker 2: Let let's start before we get into all of that.

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Speaker 2: Let's start from the beginning. Let's talk about where you

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Speaker 2: came from and your history and how you started.

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Speaker 4: And okay, let's do a condensed version. I'm originally from Toronto, Ontario.

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Speaker 3: Canada, Canada girl.

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Speaker 1: I am a.

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Speaker 3: I am a.

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Speaker 4: Landed immigrant here in this country. I have a green card,

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Speaker 4: I pay my taxes. I've never committed a crime, so

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Speaker 4: I'm here legallytt So I started my career doing music

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Speaker 4: videos and I was just kind of sitting on the

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Speaker 4: fence living in Canada, thinking that, you know, why would

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Speaker 4: I ever leave here? This is where I was born, raised,

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Speaker 4: my family is but here I am on weekends, you know,

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Speaker 4: ending up in Trinidad on yachts with Jay z.

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Speaker 1: Oh so you got that job before you came here,

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Speaker 1: I was.

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Speaker 4: I was living in working yes so university student, working

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Speaker 4: in a call center in bell express View and bartending

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Speaker 4: regular life and moonlighting as this music video model, lead

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Speaker 4: girl or principal girl in the biggest budget you know,

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Speaker 4: music videos and songs for the most enormous artists, hip

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Speaker 4: hop artists.

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Speaker 3: On the plan.

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Speaker 1: People were spending bread on videos.

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Speaker 3: It was around the time that it was startarting.

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Speaker 4: It was just starting, so you know, I just I

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Speaker 4: entered the fray at literally the perfect moment. From December

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Speaker 4: nineteen ninety nine to roughly two thousand and four was

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Speaker 4: where my music video career really was shaped and honed.

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Speaker 3: And this is the space that I lived in.

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Speaker 4: But I always knew that you got to take the

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Speaker 4: exit ramp somewhere, and you got to take the exit

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Speaker 4: ramp before people, you know, divert the traffic and say

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Speaker 4: you're no longer viable. One of the last videos that

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Speaker 4: I did before I try, before I took the exit

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Speaker 4: ramp was Usher's video Yeah, and we shot that in

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Speaker 4: LA and that was like a really fantastic experience.

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Speaker 3: But that was one of the.

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Speaker 4: Last videos that I did because I had my site

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Speaker 4: set on hosting on television now, and so I'd started

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Speaker 4: to you know, solicit opportunities with BT to start to

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Speaker 4: be use my voice more. You know, I'm a silent

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Speaker 4: movie star quote unquote doing these music views.

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Speaker 1: I've heard you call it that.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, like it's three minute. It was a

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Speaker 4: three minute movie. But still, you know, I mean it's qualified.

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Speaker 4: But I really really really wanted to, you know, show

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Speaker 4: that I had talent beyond you know, congratulations on your

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Speaker 4: face and your body kind of thing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So, you know, so that was one of my very

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Speaker 4: last videos. I think I think my last one was

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Speaker 4: Will Smith and it was a song called Switch for

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Speaker 4: the movie Hitch. Oh yeah, yeah, wow, random, What were

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Speaker 4: those What are those sets like though?

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Speaker 2: Because there's all this like and you said and the

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Speaker 2: times was so different, so different.

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Speaker 1: It's like, now we're seeing a lot of stuff that

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Speaker 1: was going on in.

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Speaker 2: The nineties that is through the lens of twenty twenty three.

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Speaker 1: Looks great different.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, looked one way in the nineties, looks way different now.

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Speaker 1: So I just wander through.

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Speaker 2: The lens of twenty twenty three, and when you think

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Speaker 2: about those times, like, I don't know what was happening.

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Speaker 1: What was your experience.

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Speaker 4: I feel like I was really insulated, you know, my

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Speaker 4: personal experiences. I was really insulated because because I was

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Speaker 4: so close to director X, and because I was, you know,

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Speaker 4: close to Hype Williams, and because I was close to INGA,

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Speaker 4: and I was close to this the like the the

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Speaker 4: executive level of who put together these massive productions. I

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Speaker 4: was insulated and protected. It's not that you didn't experience

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Speaker 4: situations that might be a little precarious, you know. I

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Speaker 4: used to make kind of like a jokey reference to

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Speaker 4: the fact that some of us, you know, music video

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Speaker 4: models would act like beaver's You know, when beavers go

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Speaker 4: to sleep in the water, they sleep back to back,

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Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying, so they don't drown.

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Speaker 3: And so it's music video models.

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Speaker 4: You got my six, I'm gonna go to sleep, and

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Speaker 4: you keep your head on a swivel, you know, make

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Speaker 4: sure that you know, because what we know now wasn't

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Speaker 4: really described that way. There's a little bit of predatory

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Speaker 4: behavior going on on music set. I mean there was

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Speaker 4: a lot of alcohol, want to get you a little

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Speaker 4: loosey goosey.

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Speaker 2: And and then you're there under the you're there under

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Speaker 2: the premise of being this is sexy, this is a sexy,

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Speaker 2: beautiful woman.

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Speaker 3: And you're wearing not much.

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Speaker 2: And so it's immediately, yeah, this is why you're here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, you know, it's almost like there was an

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Speaker 4: It wasn't only that it was just accepted. It was

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Speaker 4: expected that something could happen to you on music video sets.

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Speaker 3: And it's only now that.

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Speaker 4: People really truly have an understanding that women were there

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Speaker 4: doing an honest day's work for an honest day's pay,

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Speaker 4: because really, people didn't look at it like work.

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Speaker 2: I just wonder how you manage and that because she's like,

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Speaker 2: you were protected, right, but like how did you manage

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Speaker 2: navigating that type of energy all the time?

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean?

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Speaker 4: It was depending on the set, the energy could be

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Speaker 4: wildly shift, like for example, when I did knock yourself

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Speaker 4: out Jadakiss. I can't say enough good things about Jadakiss.

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Speaker 3: He really is a gentleman.

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Speaker 4: He back then we had a scene in which everybody

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Speaker 4: wanted me to be very handsy with him, and they

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Speaker 4: wanted the energy return. They wanted us to kiss, they

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Speaker 4: wanted us to like kind of grope each other.

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Speaker 3: It was like supposed to be very romantic.

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Speaker 4: So I don't know him.

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Speaker 3: I got a man, I'm going home.

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Speaker 4: Too, So no, And so I had this conversation with

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Speaker 4: him at the car Moonlight and Old nine, and I

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Speaker 4: was just like, hey, let me just I'm gonna make

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Speaker 4: the video look real, real good, but I need you

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Speaker 4: to keep your hands above the waist and just kind

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Speaker 4: of let me lead.

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Speaker 3: And he was like, I, MA, I wasn't gonna touch you.

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Speaker 3: I just should you know. I was like, thank you

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Speaker 3: so much.

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Speaker 2: Did you not have any experiences where people were disrespectful

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Speaker 2: or like.

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Speaker 4: One experience that kind of lives with me during that time.

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Speaker 4: It was in the crafty room craft services, It's where

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Speaker 4: all the snacks are and stuff like that.

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Speaker 3: And it was a.

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Speaker 4: Video where there was a lot of women on set.

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Speaker 4: There was a lot of movement on set. We were

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Speaker 4: at the Parker Murdy and Hotel. We had two floors.

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Speaker 4: There was a lot of action going on and stuff

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Speaker 4: like that, and I really I needed a break. I

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Speaker 4: need a break from all the energy. There's a lot

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Speaker 4: of people and stuff like that. So I went to

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Speaker 4: the crafty room.

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Speaker 3: And nobody was in there. I was like oooh, and

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Speaker 3: I got.

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Speaker 4: Like this ponytail, and I'm wearing this dress that's literally

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Speaker 4: like a condom. It's like it's sucked all everything in

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Speaker 4: and it's really really short, like don't sneeze. So I'm

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Speaker 4: sitting there and I'm just like eating some liquorice and whatnot.

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Speaker 3: And then this guy comes in the room.

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Speaker 4: I don't know who he is, but you know, he

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Speaker 4: looks like he's part of the entourage, knows a rap video.

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Speaker 4: And then another guy comes in the room, and before

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Speaker 4: I know it, there's about ten guys in the room

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Speaker 4: and they're circling me and they're starting to touch me,

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Speaker 4: and I did not know how to defend myself or

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Speaker 4: I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but I

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Speaker 4: think that women sometimes have a fear of offending or

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Speaker 4: making a bigger deal out of something. Their instincts are

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Speaker 4: firing off like crazy, like.

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Speaker 1: Especially when you're in a work environment exactly.

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Speaker 4: But it's just like danger, danger, danger, But you suppress

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Speaker 4: those instincts. You suppress them because you don't want to

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Speaker 4: seem impolite. You don't wanna you don't want to call

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Speaker 4: attention to something that might might not be a thing.

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Speaker 4: But it's a thing and you're terrified, but you don't

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Speaker 4: know how to act. You don't know how to You

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Speaker 4: just don't know how to act in this moment. And

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Speaker 4: it's almost like if I do act and I get hysterical,

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Speaker 4: will that make it worse? Will that mean that somebody

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Speaker 4: covers my mouth? And then it just goes all to hell?

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. And it was one of

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Speaker 4: those moments where I literally terror on my face, didn't

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Speaker 4: know what to do, and literally cameraman or Grip walks

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Speaker 4: in the room and notices, which was amazing that he

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Speaker 4: could even notice, but he noticed that I just was

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Speaker 4: like sitting there like my chihuahua, big eyes sos.

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Speaker 3: And he was like, hey, now I think they need

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Speaker 3: you on set. Let me take you.

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Speaker 4: And that was it that diffused the situation and got

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Speaker 4: me out of a situation that I felt like I

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Speaker 4: was in peril.

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Speaker 3: Wow, you know that.

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Speaker 2: Makes me wonder how many women were in those situations?

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Speaker 4: And those were treacherous times. Yeah, it was the wild

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Speaker 4: wild West. There was no there was no rules, there

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Speaker 4: was no boundary, there was no hr Who are you calling?

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Speaker 3: Who are you complaining to?

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Speaker 1: That's it, There's no more work. Then right, because you're.

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Speaker 4: Exactly, exactly exactly and a lot of times women, you know,

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Speaker 4: they made they made decisions based on need, you know,

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Speaker 4: rather than I feel empowered by this decision. I feel

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Speaker 4: I want to be here, you know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 4: and I am in control and bubble.

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Speaker 2: No, no, no, God, did you ever see that guy again?

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Speaker 1: No? Where he is?

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Speaker 4: No, it was.

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Speaker 1: He's a good guy. I wish for him some blessing today, I.

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Speaker 4: Do, I do, I wish, I wish him well. I've

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Speaker 4: sent him flowers in my head for you know, over

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Speaker 4: the course of many years, because that situation could have

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Speaker 4: just gone completely differently. Yeah, for sure, you know, so

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Speaker 4: I was, I was. I was definitely fortunate. But like

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Speaker 4: I said, I mean it's been sometimes it's treacherous waters that.

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Speaker 2: Stuff triggering for you that comes up, like now, how

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Speaker 2: we were talking about like now in this day, all

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Speaker 2: these like stories of the nineties people that we know

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Speaker 2: going through accusation. I feel like there's a whole group

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Speaker 2: of our people that were like pillars in the culture

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Speaker 2: that are just like that titans of the industry, knocking

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Speaker 2: down one after another after another, and I don't know,

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Speaker 2: you know, we get asked a lot about believing victims.

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Speaker 4: You know, yeah, and well, why would they have waited,

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Speaker 4: Why would they have waited to make these claims and

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Speaker 4: defile these suits? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And

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Speaker 4: it's a conversation. It's a question I am extremely uncomfortable with.

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Speaker 4: It is not for me to answer. It's not for

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Speaker 4: you to answer. It's not it's not it's not our story,

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Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: But I just imagine there's all types of reasons why

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Speaker 2: women don't speak up right away.

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Speaker 4: Well, so I will say this that I think that

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Speaker 4: anybody that comes forward, whether it was five minutes ago,

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Speaker 4: five days ago, five weeks ago, five years ago, or

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Speaker 4: twenty years ago, I commend you.

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Speaker 3: You're brave because.

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Speaker 4: Every experience that I've had has not been on the

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Speaker 4: up and up, you know, and they've been with There's

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Speaker 4: one that I can think of in particular. I I

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Speaker 4: don't have the band with the strength to deal with

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Speaker 4: the onslaught of what I have seen victims go through,

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Speaker 4: to put myself in that position. That is why I

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Speaker 4: might I tip my hat to them.

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Speaker 1: I've never heard anybody admit that or say that out loud.

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Speaker 4: You know, well, I s I'm in I'm very brave

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Speaker 4: these days, and I give myself a lot of credit

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Speaker 4: for being brave to say things that people think to

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Speaker 4: themselves but would never ever utter the words.

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Speaker 3: You know, And I have said this two people.

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Speaker 4: You know that there's been experiences that I probably could

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Speaker 4: have filed suit on, but I'm probably never I'm never

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Speaker 4: gonna do it because I can't deal with the repercussions

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Speaker 4: of it.

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Speaker 3: I can't. I can't, and I won't. I won't want.

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Speaker 4: I have to protect myself in some form or fashion.

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Speaker 3: You know, my mental health, I've been through a lot.

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Speaker 4: My mental health is fragile, you know, and especially like

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Speaker 4: the last five six years of my life from the

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Speaker 4: near death car accident.

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Speaker 1: Definitely want to talk about that.

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Speaker 4: Everything that transpired after that and then my mom, you know,

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Speaker 4: getting sick with cancer and passing away, and that rocked

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Speaker 4: my entire universe.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I had.

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Speaker 4: More suicidal ideations during that those you know, first couple

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Speaker 4: of years of my mom passing away. Then I've had

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Speaker 4: my entire life, you know, So when you think about

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Speaker 4: adding to that.

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Speaker 3: I can't. Yeah, I can't.

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Speaker 4: You know, maybe there's people that would say, but Melissa,

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Speaker 4: you you doing that, you standing on that platform and

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Speaker 4: saying I'm like.

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Speaker 2: That's why people are not honest about the fact that

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Speaker 2: they won't, because then, well, you could have saved somebody else.

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Speaker 1: But it's also you have to you have to live

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Speaker 1: with it.

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Speaker 2: The person who is sharing whatever experience that they had

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Speaker 2: has to live with the energy that comes back with that.

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Speaker 2: It is a very brave thing. People don't talk about

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Speaker 2: that enough. How brave you have to be to put

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Speaker 2: your stuff on the front line. So you're right about that,

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Speaker 2: for sure. But I've also never heard somebody, well at

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Speaker 2: least I've never had I'm sure people have admitted to it,

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Speaker 2: but I've never heard somebody from the other side talk

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Speaker 2: about why why I wouldn't.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's why I'm too I'm too fragile. I know myself.

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Speaker 4: I know myself, and I've done I have gone through

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Speaker 4: an enormous amount of therapy and come out the other

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Speaker 4: end with a really intense sense of self awareness. And

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Speaker 4: I know what my bandwidth is, and I know I

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Speaker 4: know what I am not capable of handling. That will

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Speaker 4: probably like upend my life to a point where I

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Speaker 4: won't recover from it, and I don't want that for myself.

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Speaker 1: Do you think ever in your life you might change

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Speaker 1: your opinion on that.

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Speaker 4: You know, we're watching, you know, chickens coming home to roost,

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Speaker 4: and when somebody does the things that they do. You

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Speaker 4: know what's happened to me. It's not an isolated incident,

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Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying. And I'm sure that there

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Speaker 4: will be a before and an after kind of thing.

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Speaker 4: And I don't believe that anything that I do or

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Speaker 4: I say can prevent another act from happening.

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Speaker 3: I don't believe that. I don't.

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Speaker 4: And also again I stress, after everything that I have

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Speaker 4: gone through, I have to protect my peace, you know.

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Speaker 4: So I have had to make peace with this decision.

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Speaker 4: It has not come lightly. I have struggled, I have cried,

305
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Speaker 4: I've screamed.

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Speaker 3: I've talked to my therapists.

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Speaker 4: I've talked to close friends that I knew that I

308
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Speaker 4: know would never betray my confidence.

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Speaker 3: And I know.

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Speaker 4: That I I just not this lifetime, not this lifetime.

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Speaker 4: Maybe next lifetime I come back as Joan of arc

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Speaker 4: you know, you.

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Speaker 1: Just never know.

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Speaker 2: But anyway, I asked you that because to the point

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Speaker 2: of like, how brave those women are and when people

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Speaker 2: ask the question like why did it take them so long?

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Speaker 1: That's this is why.

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Speaker 2: This is why, because you have to because it's scary.

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Speaker 4: And a lot of times, you know, we you know,

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Speaker 4: are our vocabulary has expanded. You know, I'm surprised consent

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Speaker 4: was not the word of the year.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're saying nobody was talking about that.

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Speaker 4: We have a different understanding about it now, we have

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Speaker 4: an more expansive.

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Speaker 3: Way of understanding what it actually means.

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Speaker 4: And I think that a lot of people are very

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Speaker 4: uncomfortable with the expanded understanding of what that concept actually

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Speaker 4: means because then they have to go back in their

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Speaker 4: past and they have to understand that their behavior.

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Speaker 3: Is now being called into question.

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Speaker 4: And now somebody might have a might have been living

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Speaker 4: with a different perception as to what transpired between the

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Speaker 4: two of you. And that's literally what we're seeing. What

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00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,000
Speaker 4: we're seeing right now. Wow, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 4: So it's ooh as soon sometimes this muddy waters, you know.

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Speaker 1: Water WHOA.

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Speaker 2: Let me take you back to those times you were

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Speaker 2: talking about, because honestly, how you and I connected, we

339
00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:57,320
Speaker 2: were that Jennifer angeloiyee. We had never really had an

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Speaker 2: extensive conversation like that.

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Speaker 4: Before, always like I'd always adored you for my part

342
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,280
Speaker 4: and I told you and I told you that was

343
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Speaker 4: so when we did the fiftieth Year of Hip Hop

344
00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:09,120
Speaker 4: thing for ABC. One of the moments that just like,

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00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,239
Speaker 4: you know, where I was literally like this to you

346
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:15,679
Speaker 4: was when you were on American Idol and you decided

347
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Speaker 4: to leave because you just were you just didn't want

348
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Speaker 4: You said, I don't want to be responsible for crushing

349
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Speaker 4: people's dreams like this is. I'm not cut out for this.

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Speaker 1: I know what I can do, I know what I'm

351
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Speaker 1: built for it.

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Speaker 4: And I was just like, there's not there's so not

353
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Speaker 4: very many people that would have had that level of integrity,

354
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Speaker 4: self awareness and that level of kindness.

355
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Speaker 3: To do something like that.

356
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Speaker 4: I was like, I love Angie.

357
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Speaker 5: I love her girl hashtag girl cries, you know, so

358
00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:45,720
Speaker 5: like in you were always like a friend in my head,

359
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,320
Speaker 5: and you know, you were always floating on the peripheral

360
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,159
Speaker 5: for me because one degree of separation in terms of

361
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Speaker 5: all friends.

362
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Speaker 1: And stuff like that.

363
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Speaker 2: So it's always just like hey girl, hey, yeah, yea,

364
00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:56,960
Speaker 2: if I saw you'd be like hi. But we never

365
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,880
Speaker 2: really took we would never had time together until that night,

366
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Speaker 2: that dinner.

367
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we.

368
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:07,400
Speaker 2: Were talking about this trauma and accidents. You had told

369
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Speaker 2: me about your.

370
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Speaker 1: Accident, which I had I didn't know about. I didn't.

371
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Speaker 2: It was way more traumatizing than anything I had experienced.

372
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Speaker 2: And you don't really talk about that much, do you,

373
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,360
Speaker 2: or have you? I mean, you've shared the story somewhat.

374
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Speaker 4: When it it took me almost a year to recover.

375
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,720
Speaker 4: I was living in LA I was going to a

376
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Speaker 4: bridal shower the R and B Artist Tank. He was

377
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,159
Speaker 4: getting married to his now wife, Zena Foster. It was

378
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 4: her bridal shower. I was going to a part of

379
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,400
Speaker 4: LA that I wasn't really familiar with. It's called Glendale.

380
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,320
Speaker 4: I was on the one thirty four freeway. I was

381
00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:46,440
Speaker 4: not familiar with it at all. So you by yourself

382
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,600
Speaker 4: and by myself in the car. Thank god. I did

383
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 4: not have Daisy with me. Oh my god. You see

384
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,200
Speaker 4: I take her everywhere with me, you know. On this day,

385
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,200
Speaker 4: I was literally like she's looking at me with the eyes.

386
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,440
Speaker 4: I was like, no, you stay here in my car.

387
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,560
Speaker 1: Accident. My was in the car with me. He was okay.

388
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,159
Speaker 4: Thank god, Daisy would not have been okay because I

389
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 4: got hit by a truck and my jeep flipped five times,

390
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:12,600
Speaker 4: and what ended up happening was when it was flipping

391
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,320
Speaker 4: upside down, the roof got ripped off, and so when

392
00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:18,120
Speaker 4: my jeep came to rest upside down, my head hit

393
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,800
Speaker 4: the pavement and that's how I ended up with a

394
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,000
Speaker 4: skull fractor. My brain was bleeding. I had a massive concussion.

395
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,400
Speaker 4: I was knocked out. I don't when I saw the

396
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:31,440
Speaker 4: photos of my car accident, I have zero memory of

397
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,520
Speaker 4: any of that. And all the good Samaritans that stopped

398
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:35,840
Speaker 4: for me, I have zero memory.

399
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:36,959
Speaker 3: I don't remember anything.

400
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,560
Speaker 1: Oh people stop, Well they had to.

401
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,439
Speaker 4: Yeah, so oh yeah, like it was the one four

402
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:45,880
Speaker 4: was shut down, and so the memory that.

403
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,280
Speaker 3: I have head hit the actual pavement.

404
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,480
Speaker 4: Yes, So when I woke up, I remember waking up

405
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,280
Speaker 4: and I could only see through one eye because there

406
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,040
Speaker 4: was like blood like pooling in my other eye. And

407
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,600
Speaker 4: but I don't know, Oh, I don't know what's happening.

408
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 4: I just know my back feels really warm, and I'm

409
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,840
Speaker 4: looking up at the sun. I was like, what the

410
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,000
Speaker 4: hell and going on over here? And then I start

411
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:14,680
Speaker 4: seeing these figures above my face and I see yellow

412
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,760
Speaker 4: and it's basically the EMT workers like the first responders

413
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,480
Speaker 4: and stuff like that, and I'm thinking to myself, there's

414
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:24,560
Speaker 4: no possible way, There's no way, no way, and so

415
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 4: I kind of just turned my head to the side

416
00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:31,040
Speaker 4: and I see my jeep upside down, wheels still spinning slowly,

417
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:35,879
Speaker 4: and it smashed, and I was just like it was

418
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,280
Speaker 4: the most surreal experience of my entire life because I

419
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,960
Speaker 4: feel no pain. I don't feel any pain because I

420
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:46,359
Speaker 4: guess shock and adrenaline and the whole nine nothing has awake.

421
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,280
Speaker 4: I've now woken up, but apparently I've been out for

422
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:52,879
Speaker 4: about ten or fifteen minutes because the good Smaritans that

423
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,399
Speaker 4: came literally one guy took his shirt off and held

424
00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 4: my head closed because I had like this, my head

425
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:04,399
Speaker 4: head was like cracked open. And then somebody else was

426
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,639
Speaker 4: like shielding me from the sun with a hat. And

427
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 4: I see all this in the pictures because I don't

428
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:10,400
Speaker 4: remember it.

429
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,199
Speaker 3: They might have been talking to me and I don't know.

430
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,480
Speaker 4: And so then they, you know, first responders, they put

431
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,400
Speaker 4: me on the board neck thing, and then they put

432
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,560
Speaker 4: me in the ambulance and they take me and I

433
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:25,359
Speaker 4: just your head is open, yeah, And I remember like

434
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,720
Speaker 4: saying to the first responders. I was just like, I

435
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:32,119
Speaker 4: started crying and I said, can somebody hold my hand?

436
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 4: You know, I felt like I was so alone. I

437
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 4: felt so alone, and they were like, oh, yeah, okay,

438
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:44,879
Speaker 4: you know whoops, offer some compassion to the chickens like

439
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,320
Speaker 4: a mess right now. And then it was just like

440
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,879
Speaker 4: a flurry of activity when I got brought into the

441
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:54,439
Speaker 4: emergency room and you know, neurosurgeons and doctors and e

442
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:59,359
Speaker 4: are nurses, etcetera, etcetera, just going crazy just over here

443
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,199
Speaker 4: because I don't know what's happened. I don't know that

444
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,239
Speaker 4: I have like this gaping wound and my skull is

445
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,679
Speaker 4: like cracked and all the whole nine. I don't know

446
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,840
Speaker 4: this because I can't feel it. So I'm in the

447
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,560
Speaker 4: hospital for about a week with the head injury. They

448
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,879
Speaker 4: keep you there really long. Yeah, gave me some really

449
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:25,960
Speaker 4: good drugs. But a lot of friends came to see me.

450
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:27,320
Speaker 1: So what was it?

451
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 4: And it kept mirrors away from me too. But I

452
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:34,520
Speaker 4: will say that I survivor's guilt crept in very very quickly.

453
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 4: I started to feel really resentful of the fact that

454
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:44,440
Speaker 4: my life was spared. Why I didn't I didn't really

455
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,080
Speaker 4: feel like it was worth sparing over others.

456
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,320
Speaker 1: You know, did somebody else lose their life and that not? No,

457
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,680
Speaker 1: no notice in general.

458
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,639
Speaker 4: No, just just in general, you know, like I just

459
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,200
Speaker 4: started thinking about I don't know, child prostitutes in Calcutta,

460
00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:01,280
Speaker 4: Like I don't know, like children in refe geez can't refugee.

461
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 1: Just you just felt like you probably should have died

462
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: in that car.

463
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,520
Speaker 3: I was like, I was really angry at God for

464
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:07,560
Speaker 3: sparing my life.

465
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,920
Speaker 4: And everybody's saying to me, you know, you have a purpose.

466
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,199
Speaker 4: God spared you for a reason. I was just like,

467
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 4: I hate that idea. I hate it. Stop saying it

468
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:21,280
Speaker 4: to me.

469
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:22,320
Speaker 1: Why?

470
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,680
Speaker 4: Because it felt like it was way too much pressure.

471
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 4: First of all, my purpose?

472
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 1: What is that?

473
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:30,840
Speaker 6: Like?

474
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,639
Speaker 4: I was wildly disoriented. You know what I'm saying. I

475
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 4: have a traumatic brain injury, and I didn't understand what

476
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,040
Speaker 4: comes along with that traumatic brain injury, which is why,

477
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,679
Speaker 4: first of all, your your natural like mood stabilizers are compromised,

478
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,119
Speaker 4: your dopamine and serotonin receptors, the whole nine. So like

479
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,120
Speaker 4: you're you're you're kind of off your nut a little

480
00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 4: bit A lot of times. What I came to find out,

481
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 4: but my doctor did not tell me, is that a

482
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 4: lot of people who suffer from TBIs, they are they're

483
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:11,159
Speaker 4: prescribed traumatic brain injury. They're described SSRIs, basically antidepressants to

484
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 4: try to, you know, offset the suicidal ideations that come

485
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 4: along with it. I could not figure out why I

486
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:28,400
Speaker 4: wanted to kill myself like so soon after surviving what happened.

487
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,080
Speaker 1: But had you ever felt like that before the accident?

488
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I mean, like this, being surviving this industry alone,

489
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 4: I've definitely, you know, had like like severe depressive episodes

490
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:43,680
Speaker 4: that lasted months where I isolated myself and hid from

491
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,240
Speaker 4: the world and drank too much to self medicate and

492
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,360
Speaker 4: self soothed and stuff like that. Because I've been very

493
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,639
Speaker 4: anti antidepressant my whole life, I just would I just

494
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,880
Speaker 4: felt like it was it was weak to take them

495
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,160
Speaker 4: and I needed to white knuckle it through my own problems,

496
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 4: not understanding that I probably was suffering from chemical and

497
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,960
Speaker 4: violences and I could use some medication. We have a

498
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 4: different understanding about that kind of thing now, too, So

499
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,600
Speaker 4: fast forward to my car accident and understanding that now

500
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 4: I really actually do need them, but I won't take

501
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,119
Speaker 4: them because my doctors haven't explained to me what's going

502
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,480
Speaker 4: on up here. It took me crying out for help

503
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 4: using my Instagram page, which I would never do in

504
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 4: my whole life. I have thought that vulnerability and exposure

505
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 4: was a weakness that I would.

506
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,840
Speaker 3: Never ever ever.

507
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:34,479
Speaker 4: Want to let the world know I was suffering or

508
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:39,520
Speaker 4: I needed help. I just know. But I was out

509
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,879
Speaker 4: of my depths. I was dealing with a monster that

510
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:47,760
Speaker 4: I just didn't have the tools to understand how to

511
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:48,520
Speaker 4: fight it off.

512
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 3: And so I.

513
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,560
Speaker 4: Started speaking through my Instagram page and talking about the

514
00:26:55,160 --> 00:27:01,400
Speaker 4: ubiquitous misery and overwhelming sadness that I felt.

515
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,159
Speaker 3: That I was out of control and I didn't know

516
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 3: how to fix it.

517
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:09,560
Speaker 4: I was full of raine, just things like that. You know,

518
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,600
Speaker 4: I'm a loquacious mofo, you know, so even in the

519
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,359
Speaker 4: depths of my despair, I could write a pretty little caption,

520
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 4: but people would reach out to me, and then, you know,

521
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:22,920
Speaker 4: I ended up going on the Breakfast Club and being

522
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,399
Speaker 4: very vocal about what had happened to me and stuff

523
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,960
Speaker 4: like that. So people would send me advice, you know,

524
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 4: like I had people who had experienced PTSD and traumatic

525
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:37,879
Speaker 4: brain injuries while they were you know, serving overseas you know,

526
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,160
Speaker 4: and my god, my hat and my heart go out

527
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,520
Speaker 4: to these people because they really helped me understand how

528
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 4: to help myself. Like one person said, oh, yeah, my

529
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,040
Speaker 4: husband when he came home with a traumatic brain injury

530
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,800
Speaker 4: from being in Afghanistan, nothing worked and blah blah blah

531
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 4: until he tried hyperbaric oxygen therapy. And I was like, oh,

532
00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:00,760
Speaker 4: you mean, like the thing that Michael used to lay

533
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,640
Speaker 4: in And they were like, yeah, not covered by insurance.

534
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 3: Hella pricey.

535
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 4: But it was one of those therapies that I that

536
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,560
Speaker 4: I tried. I tried to do a lot of holistic stuff,

537
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 4: and you're trying because emotionally, you feel emotionally mentally, I

538
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,920
Speaker 4: am I am. I am a pancake, I am a puddle,

539
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 4: I am a mess. I don't know how to fix myself.

540
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 4: I feel broken. I literally felt broken, and I did

541
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 4: not know how to put myself back together. I had

542
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,439
Speaker 4: certain coping mechanisms my whole life, and none of them

543
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:36,400
Speaker 4: were working anymore. Curious, like I told you a little

544
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,479
Speaker 4: bit of self medication, maybe a little a lot of

545
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:46,320
Speaker 4: over indulgence in alcohol, marijuana, never did anything else. I've

546
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,760
Speaker 4: never I've never done cocaine, never done, never done any.

547
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 3: Of the hard stuff.

548
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:55,600
Speaker 4: But you know, I mean, wine is a gateway. It

549
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 4: is a gateway that a lot of us women, really

550
00:28:57,840 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 4: really really you know sometimes takes.

551
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,000
Speaker 1: Also work addiction also probably was in there.

552
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 4: And you know what I want, I was gonna mention

553
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,720
Speaker 4: that I watched Ryan Coogler's interview and that work addiction

554
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 4: thing is is is a very real thing because something

555
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 4: traumatic like dying almost dying can happen to you, or

556
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,440
Speaker 4: you're the person that brought you into the world, like

557
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:21,320
Speaker 4: your mother dies, and you still feel this overwhelming urge

558
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,200
Speaker 4: or need to keep yourself.

559
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,120
Speaker 1: Working, working, busy.

560
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 4: Busy for fear that you lose relevance or popularity, or.

561
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: You also don't want to deal with what's really going on.

562
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:37,520
Speaker 1: It's just a way to avoid.

563
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 3: It is a way. It is the absolute worst.

564
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:42,560
Speaker 4: It's the absolute worst way to avoid because it's going

565
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 4: to rear its ugly heads somewhere else.

566
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,479
Speaker 1: Sure, you know.

567
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 4: So for me, those coping mechanisms were you know, abusing

568
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,800
Speaker 4: weed and alcohol and then just self isolating some weeks

569
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:57,360
Speaker 4: months and what do you mean, what does that mean?

570
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,320
Speaker 4: There would be times where you wouldn't really see me

571
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:01,040
Speaker 4: for like six months.

572
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:05,000
Speaker 2: Would anybody say you maybe a couple of people.

573
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 4: Mmm, I I could like hide for a really long

574
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 4: time and a lot of and a lot of that

575
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 4: that time was pre social media.

576
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 1: That's scary. Yeah, that's when it gets scary.

577
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:20,280
Speaker 4: Is it. It is really scary to think about to

578
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,240
Speaker 4: think about what I thought were my coping mechanisms, and

579
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:26,520
Speaker 4: that that these not even considering how unhealthy they were,

580
00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 4: and trying to figure out a different way, a different emportation.

581
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it was just like it. It was just

582
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:33,600
Speaker 3: you know, get.

583
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 4: Home, buy bottles of bottles of liquor, self medicate, fall

584
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:44,520
Speaker 4: asleep and rinse, repeat, you know, rense repeat, you know.

585
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 4: So I I'll say all that to say that by

586
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 4: the time the tru M, you know, my traumatic brain

587
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 4: injury for my car accident happened, those tactics no longer work.

588
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,480
Speaker 4: My brain was a different brain, you know, it had

589
00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 4: I had it had been bleeding. You know what I'm

590
00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 4: saying it Drinking alcohol was the war and smoking weed

591
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 4: was the worst thing that I could do for my

592
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,520
Speaker 4: brain to try to repair it. You know, in a

593
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 4: in a point and time in which I need to

594
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:15,680
Speaker 4: repair it, what I need is sleep. What I need

595
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 4: is meditation, deep breathing, that oxygen therapy. What I need

596
00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 4: is peace and quiet talk therapy. And and I need

597
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,480
Speaker 4: people to like my loved ones, to rally it around me.

598
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,479
Speaker 4: And I need to give myself, you know, a break

599
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,480
Speaker 4: from feeling like I need to contribute to in any way,

600
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 4: shape or form, to the ether, to the world whatsoever.

601
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 1: Wow, that's that's a load.

602
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 3: It was It was a lot.

603
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 4: It was a lot, and just this overwhelming also urge

604
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 4: to feel like a comeback story, you know what I'm saying, Because.

605
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 2: You want you're still working. That's you being performative. That's

606
00:31:56,360 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 2: you wanting to the Melissa Ford brand. That's how it's see.

607
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:06,480
Speaker 4: Super performative, super super performative. To my own detriment. Yeah,

608
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 4: and so you know, I eventually go back to work.

609
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 4: I was on a podcast at the time, very popular

610
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:19,680
Speaker 4: podcast and Hollywood and locks. And then at that time,

611
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:21,400
Speaker 4: I was just like, I really need my own thing,

612
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,040
Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying. I just really need to

613
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,880
Speaker 4: do the girl thing, you know what I mean? So

614
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 4: I started my own podcast at the time. I called

615
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:30,920
Speaker 4: it I'm Here for the Food. The title was based

616
00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:32,280
Speaker 4: on my dating life because usually.

617
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:32,800
Speaker 3: I was just saying the food.

618
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,040
Speaker 4: I'm kidding, but it was like that was tongue in

619
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 4: cheek and it's like a girl thing, you.

620
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 1: Know, but still healing at this time. Had you figured out.

621
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 3: At this point?

622
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,600
Speaker 4: So this is basically like a year later. So I'm

623
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 4: I'm I'm doing so much better. But the day that

624
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 4: I launched my podcast, I find out that my mom

625
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:57,440
Speaker 4: has cancer. Let me add on to the fact that

626
00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 4: I had not spoken to my mom for six months

627
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:03,440
Speaker 4: because I was angry with her, and wow, she had

628
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 4: been trying to contact me, calling me, sending me messages,

629
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:09,719
Speaker 4: mailing me little things and stuff like that. And it

630
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 4: wasn't until her best friend, who I call my aunt,

631
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:14,640
Speaker 4: she was like, I need you to call your mother

632
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 4: right now. And I was just like, I'm not very

633
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,800
Speaker 4: happy with my mother. She was like, I don't care,

634
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 4: you need to call her right now. And I knew

635
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,120
Speaker 4: in that moment that something was really really wrong.

636
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,520
Speaker 1: And where were you met at her?

637
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:33,440
Speaker 4: My father had died a really long time ago, in

638
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 4: nineteen ninety two, and we had his ashes in a box,

639
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:45,040
Speaker 4: really pretty, you know box, and I always had this

640
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 4: idea that I was going to take it to Barbados

641
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:49,120
Speaker 4: and I was going to take a boat out in

642
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 4: the Caribbean Sea and I was going to empty his

643
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:55,960
Speaker 4: ashes into the sea. Well, obviously couple of decades past,

644
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:57,840
Speaker 4: so I didn't get around to it, you know, But

645
00:33:57,880 --> 00:33:59,800
Speaker 4: it was always this thing that I was going to do.

646
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 3: He wasn't going anywhere, you know what I'm saying. So

647
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 3: it was always this thing that I was going to do.

648
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 4: My mom discovered that she had cancer, so she started

649
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 4: to tie up loose ends because she I think she

650
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:21,839
Speaker 4: felt that she wasn't gonna survive this, and so n

651
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:33,000
Speaker 4: she took his ashes to his parents' cemetery plot and

652
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:33,879
Speaker 4: buried them there.

653
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,799
Speaker 3: And I was so angry you.

654
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:42,760
Speaker 4: I was so angry you didn't ask me. You didn't

655
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:45,400
Speaker 4: ask my step brothers, and you know, my father had

656
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,120
Speaker 4: other children from previous relationships. You didn't ask any of

657
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 4: us if anybody wanted them and wanted to do something

658
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 4: different with them, why would you do that? I was

659
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:59,400
Speaker 4: so angry, But a part of me knew in my

660
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,279
Speaker 4: bone why she did it.

661
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 1: Did you know she had cancer? Oh you didn't m mmmmm.

662
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,759
Speaker 3: She didn't tell me at that point, and I just

663
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 3: was so.

664
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,239
Speaker 4: I was I just was angry and I was just

665
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:16,759
Speaker 4: projecting and just just being an infant and just and

666
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 4: just being a dick, you know, because I could. My

667
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:28,840
Speaker 4: anger was really important to me. And yeah, I were.

668
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,480
Speaker 2: You guys close before you and your mom before this happened,

669
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:32,960
Speaker 2: or complicated.

670
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:39,759
Speaker 4: Complicated, got it complicated, really complicated. She loved me so much,

671
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,280
Speaker 4: but she was like Russian and Norwegian, you know, Viking,

672
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:46,839
Speaker 4: you know, stoic, you know what I'm saying. And it's

673
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 4: just like her mom died when she was fifteen, and

674
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,319
Speaker 4: she didn't have an easy life, so it's not like

675
00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 4: she was like the warmest person. But I never really

676
00:35:55,600 --> 00:36:00,160
Speaker 4: gave my mom, you know, I never really like gave

677
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 4: heard like a wide birth for understanding. You only act

678
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:10,160
Speaker 4: you only the education of which you are first disposed

679
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 4: to is who is basically who.

680
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:13,919
Speaker 3: You are, you know what I'm saying.

681
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 4: And so I just I never let my mom off

682
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,480
Speaker 4: the hook. Really, I just never let her off the hook.

683
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:23,280
Speaker 1: Moms and daughters. It's not uncommon. It's not an uncommon.

684
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:23,680
Speaker 3: Thing, it really is.

685
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:29,120
Speaker 4: And I just, you know, guilt, Oh my god, that

686
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 4: has been my cross to bear, the guilt that I

687
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:40,040
Speaker 4: have like just felt for so many different reasons. Like

688
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,640
Speaker 4: my career choice, the way people have received me. I

689
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:49,520
Speaker 4: internalize it, you know, just I self flagellate all the time,

690
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:53,960
Speaker 4: make myself pay for every misstep in judgment and every

691
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,640
Speaker 4: bad decision. I have not allowed myself to be a

692
00:36:56,719 --> 00:36:59,800
Speaker 4: human being. For the vast majority of my life. I

693
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:04,560
Speaker 4: expected more of myself than I have expected of any

694
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 4: other human being in this world. And I and I

695
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:11,279
Speaker 4: don't know how I'm still here. I don't know how

696
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:12,360
Speaker 4: I've survived.

697
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 1: But wow, you are a warrior, sister.

698
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:17,680
Speaker 4: You know.

699
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:20,279
Speaker 3: I just really want to be a soft pink no right.

700
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 3: I hate when they like, you're so strong. I don't

701
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:23,160
Speaker 3: want to be true.

702
00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:26,000
Speaker 1: I just said that after my accident. People be like,

703
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: but you're so strong. I'm like, I don't want to

704
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:27,920
Speaker 1: be true.

705
00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:30,440
Speaker 3: I'm tired.

706
00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:35,239
Speaker 1: I got used to get so bad. You're so strong. Yeah.

707
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:39,799
Speaker 4: So, finding out that my mom had cancer, it was

708
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 4: aggressive and it was fastncer did she had colon and

709
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:49,080
Speaker 4: uh so in a very short amount of time, I

710
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,160
Speaker 4: had to experience change.

711
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,759
Speaker 1: Did you call her right away when they Yeah?

712
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 3: I did. And this was in November.

713
00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,880
Speaker 4: Come December, she's sold the house I grew up in

714
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 4: as a child. The my sanctuary, the place that I

715
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:10,919
Speaker 4: knew if everything else falls apart and everything fails, if

716
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 4: I if I fail at life, there's that place I

717
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 4: can go to. I can go home to my childhood

718
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 4: room and crawl into my bed, and my mom is gonna,

719
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 4: you know, make me a coffee and a scone with

720
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 4: some butter, and she's gonna bring it upstairs, and she's

721
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,400
Speaker 4: gonna sit on my bed and she's gonna stroke my

722
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:36,279
Speaker 4: head and she's gonna tell me everything's okay. Hm.

723
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,080
Speaker 3: So I had to.

724
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 1: For Christmas.

725
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:47,920
Speaker 4: I like, I had to pack up my house. I

726
00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,840
Speaker 4: had to say goodbye to like so many things. I

727
00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 4: had to say goodbye to my life, the you know,

728
00:38:56,480 --> 00:38:58,720
Speaker 4: and knowing that my mom was probably not gonna survive,

729
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 4: and oh my god, it just it was awful.

730
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.

731
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:05,440
Speaker 3: It was really really hard.

732
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 4: And it's just like this this was uh, this was

733
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 4: end of night two two thousand nineteen into two thousand twenty.

734
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 4: So the pandemic came.

735
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 1: Oh, this is not that long ago.

736
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,759
Speaker 2: Now, as we get some tissues, please sorry, I wanna

737
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,839
Speaker 2: make sure you gotta keep your makeup good.

738
00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:28,000
Speaker 1: In so.

739
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:35,240
Speaker 4: Two thousand twenty, uh, pandemic hits and it gets real.

740
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:39,359
Speaker 4: It was very different and you ima still here. No, No,

741
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,680
Speaker 4: it was very different in other countries than it was here.

742
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:46,880
Speaker 4: M So Canada's borders shut down. It became very difficult

743
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 4: for me to travel there. And what I didn't know

744
00:39:55,520 --> 00:40:00,359
Speaker 4: is that my mom decided to there's a perc there's

745
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:03,520
Speaker 4: a process in Toronto call in Canada called made Medical

746
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:08,920
Speaker 4: Assistance and dying. When you are terminal, you can choose

747
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:11,359
Speaker 4: the day that you are going to die because they're

748
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 4: going to assist you.

749
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: I didn't know that was a thing.

750
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,879
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's legal in eight states here, maybe more now

751
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,480
Speaker 4: I'm not sure, but it's legal in Canada, and so

752
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:21,040
Speaker 4: you have to go.

753
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,840
Speaker 3: You have to go through a very long process.

754
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,080
Speaker 4: They ask you, They ask you in front of people,

755
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:28,360
Speaker 4: they ask you when you're alone. Is anybody coercing you

756
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 4: to do this? The executor of your will cannot be

757
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 4: a witness to anything.

758
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,920
Speaker 3: There can be no conflict of interest or whatever.

759
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:39,480
Speaker 4: It is very It's a process in which, let's just say,

760
00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 4: twenty people say oh, this is what I want to do.

761
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 4: By the end of it, two people will go ahead

762
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:45,799
Speaker 4: with it. And those two people are always women. Men

763
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:46,560
Speaker 4: always back out.

764
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:48,839
Speaker 3: That's what the doctor told me. She was like, women

765
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 3: are warriors, they really really are strong. So my mom chose.

766
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:56,640
Speaker 4: My mom chose the date as May nineteenth, and I

767
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,359
Speaker 4: got home to Toronto.

768
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,440
Speaker 1: On during during COVID twenty twenty.

769
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 4: I got home to Toronto on May thirteenth. I tried

770
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 4: to get there the twelfth, but I tried to smuggle

771
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 4: Daisy on the air on the airplane and they caught me. No,

772
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,400
Speaker 4: and I didn't have her vaccination records, you know what.

773
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 4: I got there the thirteenth, and I was shocked to

774
00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,480
Speaker 4: see I had just seen my mom in March. So

775
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:26,719
Speaker 4: I'm I am trying to work. I'm trying to be

776
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:30,200
Speaker 4: Melissa Ford. I'm trying to run my podcast, I'm trying

777
00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:32,160
Speaker 4: to work on my other podcasts.

778
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:33,239
Speaker 3: I'm trying to do all of.

779
00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 4: These things at this and act like everything is fine

780
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:39,960
Speaker 4: and projecting that everything is fine and nothing's fine.

781
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:40,960
Speaker 1: Why do we do it?

782
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:44,600
Speaker 4: I don't know why we do this to ourselves? Is

783
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:47,839
Speaker 4: what I did. And so the last time i'd seen

784
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 4: her in March, and when I came in May, my

785
00:41:52,640 --> 00:42:00,640
Speaker 4: mom was a skeleton. She was it was over, and

786
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:04,719
Speaker 4: you know, so I just l lay it in bed

787
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:08,359
Speaker 4: with her for days and just I tried to ask

788
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:13,600
Speaker 4: her as many questions as I could. Mm.

789
00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:16,000
Speaker 1: Oh, baby, I am so sorry.

790
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:20,920
Speaker 6: That's why, like after it happened, you know, I I

791
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:24,520
Speaker 6: any chance I could get to, like do an interview

792
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 6: and talk about this, I would say to people like,

793
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 6: please if you can, if you have a funky relationship

794
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,600
Speaker 6: with your parents or your mom, just try your best

795
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:40,760
Speaker 6: to repair it. And also like talk to your parents

796
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,920
Speaker 6: about the people they were before you came along. Mm

797
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:46,759
Speaker 6: ask them questions, you know what I mean, Like d

798
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:49,359
Speaker 6: get to know them as the human beings they were

799
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:53,359
Speaker 6: before they had you, you know, and understand and also

800
00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:56,080
Speaker 6: j just you know, just understand their falliability, like.

801
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,640
Speaker 4: They're just they're they're human beings. They will air, they

802
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,279
Speaker 4: will make mistakes, and you know, but it's just like

803
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:05,960
Speaker 4: just enhance the relationship just through that, you know, just

804
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,960
Speaker 4: improving your level of communication with this person. It's going

805
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,640
Speaker 4: to make you feel so much better when they're gone.

806
00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:18,160
Speaker 4: Because I felt like I was racing against time to

807
00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 4: try to figure out.

808
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,400
Speaker 3: Like what do I want to ask her?

809
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 1: I don't know.

810
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 4: I don't know because I didn't take the time to

811
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:30,080
Speaker 4: figure out who she was outside of me, and it

812
00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 4: just oh, I don't believe me. You don't want to

813
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 4: live with that guilt? Oh, it will kill you. It

814
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:42,720
Speaker 4: will just it will just kill you. And you know, watching,

815
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 4: I think you're doing amazing thing.

816
00:43:45,719 --> 00:43:49,279
Speaker 2: By the way, because this is recent, this is these

817
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:52,439
Speaker 2: are these are open wounds. Even the fact that you're trying,

818
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:56,480
Speaker 2: attempting in this moment to take what is inside you

819
00:43:56,600 --> 00:44:00,719
Speaker 2: and this trauma and this and still use it as

820
00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:06,640
Speaker 2: an offering is really commendable because your wound is still open, baby.

821
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:08,520
Speaker 1: Like you're still in it.

822
00:44:08,719 --> 00:44:10,640
Speaker 2: The other side of this, I can only imagine what

823
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:14,239
Speaker 2: you're gonna be able to offer in terms of surviving it.

824
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:22,320
Speaker 4: So you know, the whole health and wellness space, self love,

825
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:26,040
Speaker 4: self care. It is not a weighted ikea blanket, a

826
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,160
Speaker 4: glass of wine. That's not what it is. It is.

827
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:34,000
Speaker 4: It is difficult, difficult, shadow work. It is you are

828
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 4: depths of despair. You feel like you're coming apart at

829
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:40,239
Speaker 4: the seams. When my mom passed away, I wanted I

830
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 4: was trying to find a mental health facility to check

831
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 4: myself into because I thought I was I felt like

832
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:52,000
Speaker 4: I was going insane and just thank god I had

833
00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:54,120
Speaker 4: certain friends in place that.

834
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:58,000
Speaker 3: They would let me do. They would just let me be.

835
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 4: If I was aging out of control and I was

836
00:45:02,719 --> 00:45:05,319
Speaker 4: difficult to deal with, they didn't judge me for it.

837
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:08,600
Speaker 4: A lot of people judged me some, but some friends

838
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 4: did not, and they let me go through this.

839
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:14,439
Speaker 2: Could anybody judge you through that because they probably don't

840
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:15,279
Speaker 2: know what you're in.

841
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,239
Speaker 1: They just know what your actions are.

842
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:18,960
Speaker 3: It's a terrible club to be a part of.

843
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:22,279
Speaker 4: But anybody who has lost their mom understands what it

844
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:24,520
Speaker 4: means to be a part of this club and know,

845
00:45:24,719 --> 00:45:29,040
Speaker 4: and people who have not lost their mother don't understand.

846
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:29,759
Speaker 3: Until it happens to them.

847
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:34,640
Speaker 4: The insanity that you feel will you just won't get it.

848
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:38,919
Speaker 4: Your entire universe has been ripped to shreds. You are

849
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:42,799
Speaker 4: hurtling through time and space. It's literally like you are

850
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:47,799
Speaker 4: you know, you're untethered. You've lost your tether to the

851
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 4: earth and you are just flying around and you're hoping

852
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:53,680
Speaker 4: somebody grabs the string and pulls you down.

853
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:55,399
Speaker 3: But that is like.

854
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:05,000
Speaker 4: That, It doesn't happen. The grounding that happens takes years.

855
00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 4: It takes years years.

856
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:11,160
Speaker 3: I'm I'm at.

857
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:14,760
Speaker 1: Year three three, just about not even fully.

858
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:19,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm at year three and you know, the Christmas

859
00:46:19,080 --> 00:46:21,720
Speaker 4: holidays are coming up. I have no parents, I'm an orphan,

860
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,839
Speaker 4: I don't have family. So it's just like I look

861
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,920
Speaker 4: at Christmas trees. I to look at everybody making these

862
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 4: plans and stuff like that, and I'm like, I'm gonna

863
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:36,520
Speaker 4: go to Mexico. I'm just gonna go cry on the

864
00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:38,719
Speaker 4: beach and talk to the ocean and the universe and

865
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 4: stuff like that and just try and make it hot

866
00:46:41,239 --> 00:46:41,880
Speaker 4: for myself.

867
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:45,520
Speaker 3: You know. But that's just you're.

868
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:47,799
Speaker 2: Trying to survive through these times. It's probably really hard

869
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:50,319
Speaker 2: this time of year. I always try to keep that

870
00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:53,400
Speaker 2: into consideration. I always see everybody the holidays. Everybody's always

871
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:55,759
Speaker 2: joy and family in this and there are so many

872
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:57,960
Speaker 2: people in different ways, not just what you're going through.

873
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:00,840
Speaker 1: It's just a triggering time for a lot of people.

874
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:01,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is.

875
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:02,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is.

876
00:47:04,600 --> 00:47:08,080
Speaker 4: One of the things that did help me during this time.

877
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:08,680
Speaker 3: Again.

878
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,600
Speaker 4: You know, like h how I said previously that I

879
00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:18,600
Speaker 4: had a very difficult time with using SSRIs, you know,

880
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:22,120
Speaker 4: like antidepressants like Zoloft and Paxil and blah blah blah.

881
00:47:22,120 --> 00:47:26,640
Speaker 4: I just white knuckled it through it. But I discovered

882
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 4: micro dosing psilocybin. Oh you know, I don't like to

883
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:33,000
Speaker 4: call it drugs. I like to call it plant medicine.

884
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:37,000
Speaker 4: And I was introduced to it by way of Kirby,

885
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:40,000
Speaker 4: who's the creative director of Pier Moss. I was introduced

886
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:45,200
Speaker 4: to him by a mutual friend and Vic Mensa. I

887
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,879
Speaker 4: was really afraid, you know, to try. And I didn't

888
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:51,520
Speaker 4: know what it meant. I'd never tried shrooms before, Like,

889
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:53,920
Speaker 4: I didn't understand. But I was willing to try anything

890
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:58,359
Speaker 4: because I again, I didn't think that I was going

891
00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:04,360
Speaker 4: to survive. I kept seeing headlines video music model Melissa

892
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:07,560
Speaker 4: Ford dead at forty five. She's just dead at forty six.

893
00:48:07,600 --> 00:48:14,120
Speaker 4: I kept seeing them. I lived in this building in downtown, LA,

894
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:17,439
Speaker 4: which is hell on Earth. I will say, skid row

895
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:20,040
Speaker 4: is just like down the I uh, anyways, I won't

896
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:23,759
Speaker 4: even go into but I l had a balcony. I

897
00:48:23,800 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 4: had a patio and over the balcony it was like

898
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:33,839
Speaker 4: a nine story drop onto just aluminum siding kind of thing,

899
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:35,919
Speaker 4: and it was like kind of like where you can

900
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,880
Speaker 4: you look down and you can see all the the

901
00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:41,920
Speaker 4: other apartments and stuff like that. But it was like

902
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:48,000
Speaker 4: this big empty square and I constantly, constantly thought about

903
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:51,040
Speaker 4: throwing myself over the balcony. I was like this, ID,

904
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:53,920
Speaker 4: I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna survive

905
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 4: if I don't find something to do. So I was

906
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:00,560
Speaker 4: introduced to these two and they started talking to me

907
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:04,560
Speaker 4: about how plant based medicine microdosing really helped them deal

908
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:07,839
Speaker 4: with their depressive symptoms and their anxiety and that sort

909
00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:11,840
Speaker 4: of thing. So I tried it and it definitely, definitely

910
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:13,200
Speaker 4: definitely helped.

911
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:13,920
Speaker 1: Wow.

912
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 3: I was grateful for that.

913
00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:18,279
Speaker 1: How so, how does what does it do to you? Like?

914
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:19,000
Speaker 1: What do you for you?

915
00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:26,360
Speaker 4: It stopped the negative narrative that constantly, constantly, you know,

916
00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:29,120
Speaker 4: kind of plays inside my head. You're not worthy, you're

917
00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:31,880
Speaker 4: not good enough, You're stupid, You're this, You're that you

918
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:32,680
Speaker 4: should have done.

919
00:49:32,880 --> 00:49:34,359
Speaker 1: Are you still dealing with this? Do you think?

920
00:49:34,719 --> 00:49:34,879
Speaker 3: No?

921
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:37,319
Speaker 1: Okay, I know this is so, this is a couple

922
00:49:37,360 --> 00:49:38,480
Speaker 1: of years ago you started this.

923
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:44,719
Speaker 4: Yeah, but also talk therapy. Yeah, therapy has been, you know,

924
00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 4: extremely helpful. When my mom passed away, I had I

925
00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:53,880
Speaker 4: had a moment of reckoning with myself, looking at myself

926
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:56,400
Speaker 4: in the mirror, and I said, I just said to myself.

927
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:58,440
Speaker 4: I was like, Melissa, there's no one left to take

928
00:49:58,480 --> 00:49:59,800
Speaker 4: care of you.

929
00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:00,080
Speaker 1: You.

930
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,560
Speaker 4: You have got to get a lot better at taking

931
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:04,560
Speaker 4: care of yourself, and that means taking care of your

932
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 4: your mind. You promote health and wellness and beauty to

933
00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 4: the world, your hashtag goals for how you know you

934
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:18,120
Speaker 4: work out and that sort of thing, But you are

935
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:22,880
Speaker 4: a mess up here. No one would want this. The

936
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,160
Speaker 4: way you talk to yourself. You wouldn't even talk to

937
00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:28,839
Speaker 4: some random on the street. You know what I'm saying.

938
00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:30,839
Speaker 4: You wouldn't talk to your worst enemy. The way you

939
00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:35,040
Speaker 4: talk to yourself. You gotta fix this. You're not gonna starve.

940
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:36,000
Speaker 3: Vibe if you don't.

941
00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:39,919
Speaker 4: So I had that moment with myself where I told

942
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:41,879
Speaker 4: myself this, but I was like, I don't know how

943
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:44,239
Speaker 4: to be kind to myself. I don't know how to

944
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:46,160
Speaker 4: be patient with myself, and I don't know how to

945
00:50:46,239 --> 00:50:48,920
Speaker 4: offer myself grace. I had to learn. It was a

946
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 4: muscle that I had never used before, so.

947
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:53,440
Speaker 3: I had to learn. I had to ask people.

948
00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:55,319
Speaker 4: I had to talk to my therapist about what are

949
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 4: some healthy coping mechanisms. So it was a very long,

950
00:50:58,760 --> 00:51:02,120
Speaker 4: arduous process, and it was many, many years, and I

951
00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:05,759
Speaker 4: regressed a lot of the time. But you know, one

952
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:08,120
Speaker 4: step back, one step forward, two steps back, blah blah

953
00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:12,319
Speaker 4: blah blah blah. So eventually now I'm in a much

954
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 4: better headspace to where I am very gracious to myself.

955
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:19,919
Speaker 4: I am very kind to myself. I'm like, oh, nope,

956
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,040
Speaker 4: we're not going down that road. This is how I

957
00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:24,640
Speaker 4: talk to myself. Nope, we're not going to be rate.

958
00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:28,480
Speaker 4: You made a mistake. It's fine, moving right along, It's okay.

959
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 2: What is the what is the biggest coping Like, what

960
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:34,759
Speaker 2: is your go to coping mechanism for even if you

961
00:51:34,840 --> 00:51:38,520
Speaker 2: like slip back a little bit, or you see yourself

962
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:42,120
Speaker 2: telling yourself something negative or slipping into some type of depression,

963
00:51:42,160 --> 00:51:44,799
Speaker 2: especially now it's tough the holidays are here. Like, what

964
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:46,400
Speaker 2: is your Do you have a go to thing you

965
00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:48,520
Speaker 2: learned from the therapist or pilates.

966
00:51:48,680 --> 00:51:51,399
Speaker 3: Pilates came along at a really good time in my life.

967
00:51:52,480 --> 00:51:53,799
Speaker 1: I'm so interested. I want to start.

968
00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:54,280
Speaker 3: I started.

969
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,200
Speaker 4: I loved it so much that I started to learn

970
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,400
Speaker 4: how to be I was I'm training to be an instructor.

971
00:51:58,480 --> 00:51:59,560
Speaker 1: I'll be your first client. I'm in.

972
00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:02,120
Speaker 4: I got I got you, okay. I am in love

973
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:04,760
Speaker 4: with pilates. I love everything about the principles of pilates.

974
00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:07,200
Speaker 4: I love everything about it. I loved how out of

975
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 4: my head and into my body I could get because

976
00:52:09,719 --> 00:52:11,400
Speaker 4: I needed that. There'd be times where I would be

977
00:52:11,440 --> 00:52:14,480
Speaker 4: on the reformer board sobbing, but it would help me,

978
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:19,080
Speaker 4: especially when I was doing something that was there was

979
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:23,399
Speaker 4: a new exercise that required a deeper level of concentration

980
00:52:23,560 --> 00:52:26,319
Speaker 4: to connect, to make that mind body connection to it.

981
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:28,520
Speaker 3: You know, where it feels really foreign, like what am

982
00:52:28,560 --> 00:52:29,279
Speaker 3: I doing here?

983
00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:31,839
Speaker 4: You know there's a move called helicopter that's like, oh,

984
00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:34,279
Speaker 4: it looks so dope when you master it, but it

985
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:39,160
Speaker 4: is really really hard and complex. So for me getting

986
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:42,640
Speaker 4: out of my head and into my body, usually it's

987
00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:44,320
Speaker 4: physical exercise that helps me.

988
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:47,640
Speaker 2: How are you managing the guilt because you mentioned guilt

989
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:51,520
Speaker 2: from surviving your accident and also guilt your relationship with

990
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:53,680
Speaker 2: your mom and not talking and all of that for

991
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:55,920
Speaker 2: that time, how are you managing that?

992
00:52:56,920 --> 00:52:58,040
Speaker 1: Like, what is the thing?

993
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:01,719
Speaker 2: I mean, sure therapy, you've talked about it, right, So, like,

994
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:05,439
Speaker 2: what is the thing about getting around guilts? Because I'm

995
00:53:05,440 --> 00:53:08,959
Speaker 2: sure there's people all over the world dealing with different.

996
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:09,840
Speaker 1: Types of levels of guilt.

997
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:16,080
Speaker 4: But like I'm I'm very cerebral. I'm an intellect and

998
00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:20,239
Speaker 4: so I intellectualize all my problems. You know, I have

999
00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 4: to find a solution, and it's usually in literature. And

1000
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:28,840
Speaker 4: so when I don't know the answer to something, I

1001
00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:31,000
Speaker 4: get on Google, I start searching.

1002
00:53:31,320 --> 00:53:34,160
Speaker 3: I'll search the words solve. You know, I'm problem solving,

1003
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:34,920
Speaker 3: So I'm just looking.

1004
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:37,520
Speaker 4: So I'll like, you know, look for self help books

1005
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:40,319
Speaker 4: or like personal development books, or maybe I'll get on

1006
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:43,400
Speaker 4: YouTube and I'll you know, watch something that you know

1007
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:48,200
Speaker 4: is motivates or inspires me or allows me to reframe

1008
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:52,040
Speaker 4: how I'm thinking about something. I've got a couple of

1009
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:54,120
Speaker 4: you know, girlfriends who are a little bit older than me,

1010
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:58,120
Speaker 4: who are mentors, and they're just your their life experiences.

1011
00:53:57,520 --> 00:53:59,680
Speaker 3: And the way that they the way that they you know,

1012
00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:00,719
Speaker 3: gauge with me.

1013
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:03,960
Speaker 4: They have really really, really really helped me understand a

1014
00:54:04,239 --> 00:54:08,360
Speaker 4: how to reframe my thinking from being negative to more positive,

1015
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:12,680
Speaker 4: but also understanding how to challenge long held beliefs, you know,

1016
00:54:12,800 --> 00:54:14,359
Speaker 4: ask asking me questions.

1017
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:15,759
Speaker 3: Well, why do you believe that? Where did you where

1018
00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:17,400
Speaker 3: did that belief come from? In the first place.

1019
00:54:17,600 --> 00:54:19,680
Speaker 4: Have you ever thought that maybe you were wrong? And

1020
00:54:19,719 --> 00:54:22,320
Speaker 4: what if it's this working on yourself. It's it constant,

1021
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:23,880
Speaker 4: constantly working on myself.

1022
00:54:23,880 --> 00:54:26,080
Speaker 3: I swear to God. It is exhausting, you know.

1023
00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:28,040
Speaker 1: And it's always at least it's always forward motion.

1024
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:29,839
Speaker 3: Is it is forward motion.

1025
00:54:29,920 --> 00:54:31,439
Speaker 4: But every once in a while you're just like, take

1026
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:33,839
Speaker 4: a break, Just pick up some you know, chick lit

1027
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,239
Speaker 4: and just read that, you know what I mean, some

1028
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:40,040
Speaker 4: fictional stuff. Just take a break from the personal development,

1029
00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:43,879
Speaker 4: because you know what I discovered, there's no arrival. There's

1030
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:48,960
Speaker 4: no arrival, destination, final destination. There's not gonna be a

1031
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:50,880
Speaker 4: point in which you're like, you close the book.

1032
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:53,120
Speaker 1: WHOA, I'm perfect, I'm healed.

1033
00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:53,880
Speaker 3: I'm healed.

1034
00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:57,640
Speaker 4: There's nothing left to do. Trust me, when I say

1035
00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:00,520
Speaker 4: something's gonna come along decides wipe you.

1036
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:05,720
Speaker 3: Because this is life. It undulates ebbs and it flows.

1037
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:07,640
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying, There's gonna be something that

1038
00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:10,920
Speaker 4: knocks you off course that maybe now you have the

1039
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:14,359
Speaker 4: tools and the proper coping mechanisms to deal with it

1040
00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:18,040
Speaker 4: when that comes comes along. And one of the things

1041
00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:21,400
Speaker 4: that I discovered along the way my research is I

1042
00:55:21,440 --> 00:55:22,960
Speaker 4: discovered Brene Brown.

1043
00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:23,920
Speaker 1: I love Brene Brown.

1044
00:55:24,080 --> 00:55:26,520
Speaker 4: Oh my god, Brene.

1045
00:55:26,600 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 1: Renee, please come through the podcast.

1046
00:55:28,160 --> 00:55:28,480
Speaker 3: Renee.

1047
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:29,239
Speaker 1: We are fan.

1048
00:55:29,440 --> 00:55:34,600
Speaker 3: He adopt me. I love her so much. She is

1049
00:55:34,719 --> 00:55:36,160
Speaker 3: for people who don't know.

1050
00:55:36,239 --> 00:55:40,759
Speaker 4: She is a social worker with multiple PhDs. Her life work,

1051
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:46,960
Speaker 4: she is devoted to teaching people about shame and vulnerability.

1052
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,080
Speaker 4: And this is a shame.

1053
00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:51,000
Speaker 2: We've talked about this, by the way, Kelly Clarkson, we

1054
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:53,280
Speaker 2: talked about shame and vulnerability.

1055
00:55:53,440 --> 00:55:55,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, so I mean, shame and guilt are cousins, you know,

1056
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 4: I'm saying they're first cousins. And so whereas at one

1057
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:02,439
Speaker 4: point I never wanted to show any chink in the armor,

1058
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:06,399
Speaker 4: I never wanted anybody to see any level of like

1059
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:10,640
Speaker 4: my humanity. I looked at vulnerability as a weakness. I

1060
00:56:10,640 --> 00:56:13,279
Speaker 4: now look at it as a superpower. It and it

1061
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:17,520
Speaker 4: and it has endeared me to people being so vulnerable

1062
00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:19,200
Speaker 4: and candid and transparent.

1063
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:22,480
Speaker 2: And so all these years, you and I have finally connected,

1064
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:24,799
Speaker 2: all these years in passing and at the moment of

1065
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:27,920
Speaker 2: both of us being vulnerable, connected in that way.

1066
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:30,960
Speaker 3: When we both looked at vulnerability like we can't afford.

1067
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:35,200
Speaker 1: It, and then we're like off about our world exactly.

1068
00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:37,560
Speaker 4: But now it's just like vulnerability is something that we

1069
00:56:37,600 --> 00:56:40,160
Speaker 4: embrace and we look at it as like a superpower

1070
00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:43,160
Speaker 4: rather than being a hindrance or you know, a weakness

1071
00:56:43,239 --> 00:56:45,480
Speaker 4: or whatever the case is. And then just having a

1072
00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:49,400
Speaker 4: greater understanding about how shame shapes so much of our

1073
00:56:50,080 --> 00:56:52,160
Speaker 4: you know, the decisions that we make and how we

1074
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:54,240
Speaker 4: live our lives and how we try to shield ourselves

1075
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:57,840
Speaker 4: and protect ourselves. Guilt is closely related to that. So

1076
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:02,279
Speaker 4: by way of you know, listening to her, reading her

1077
00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:06,200
Speaker 4: literature and just everything kind of related to that is

1078
00:57:07,760 --> 00:57:10,120
Speaker 4: it helped me to develop a different relationship with the

1079
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:12,839
Speaker 4: concept of guilt and how much I need to release it,

1080
00:57:13,480 --> 00:57:19,480
Speaker 4: you know, and how and how it is. I want

1081
00:57:19,480 --> 00:57:24,040
Speaker 4: to say it's a worthless emotion, but it's not, because

1082
00:57:24,080 --> 00:57:28,800
Speaker 4: it can kind of it's almost like a form of

1083
00:57:28,840 --> 00:57:33,560
Speaker 4: self preservation, you know what I'm saying. But it's very complicated.

1084
00:57:33,960 --> 00:57:36,600
Speaker 4: I will say that because at the wrong times it

1085
00:57:36,680 --> 00:57:39,360
Speaker 4: is a very it is a very worthless emotion. It

1086
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,760
Speaker 4: is doing absolutely nothing for you, and it is detrimental

1087
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:46,720
Speaker 4: to your guilt yet to you your mental health and

1088
00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:52,800
Speaker 4: forward momentum, you know. But in the right situation, guilt

1089
00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:59,400
Speaker 4: can help you make different decisions, maybe repair situations that

1090
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:02,000
Speaker 4: you have been the cause of its destruction.

1091
00:58:02,080 --> 00:58:03,360
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah.

1092
00:58:03,040 --> 00:58:05,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, my god, I didn't ask you this at

1093
00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:05,920
Speaker 2: the beginning.

1094
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:08,000
Speaker 1: I'm almost afraid to ask you this now. Oh I'm

1095
00:58:08,040 --> 00:58:09,840
Speaker 1: not afraid to love it. I love it. I asked

1096
00:58:09,840 --> 00:58:11,840
Speaker 1: this on every episode. How happy are you.

1097
00:58:11,960 --> 00:58:14,840
Speaker 2: On a scale of one to ten right now, right now,

1098
00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:18,720
Speaker 2: not an hour ago or yesterday, but right now.

1099
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:25,240
Speaker 4: I'd probably say like a nine. Really, I've I've been

1100
00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:28,320
Speaker 4: looking forward to this. This makes me happy. Oh, I'm

1101
00:58:28,360 --> 00:58:31,440
Speaker 4: so happy I you your energy is like, is so

1102
00:58:31,640 --> 00:58:34,640
Speaker 4: dope than I've been looking forward to this. This is

1103
00:58:35,040 --> 00:58:37,920
Speaker 4: this is the definition of a safe space. Your staff

1104
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:44,280
Speaker 4: is incredible. I look bomb you do you know my

1105
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:47,840
Speaker 4: babies in the corners, Daisy like this is this is

1106
00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:49,080
Speaker 4: this is good stuff.

1107
00:58:49,120 --> 00:58:51,080
Speaker 3: I love that, this is good stuff.

1108
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:54,480
Speaker 4: I like I'm gainfully employed, you know, like I've got

1109
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:57,440
Speaker 4: opportunities coming my way. Like I would, I'd definitely say,

1110
00:58:57,520 --> 00:59:00,000
Speaker 4: in this very moment, right now, I am at an.

1111
00:59:00,560 --> 00:59:02,560
Speaker 1: That makes me so happy and you deserve to be

1112
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:03,160
Speaker 1: out a nine.

1113
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:04,880
Speaker 4: Thank you, you really do, thank you.

1114
00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:06,840
Speaker 1: The whole week hasn't been a nine.

1115
00:59:06,880 --> 00:59:09,600
Speaker 4: Holy shit this whole time.

1116
00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:11,800
Speaker 1: I know, there's been so raisy time and stuff. Not

1117
00:59:11,800 --> 00:59:12,520
Speaker 1: always a nine.

1118
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:15,160
Speaker 4: I'm sure that it was more like a two about

1119
00:59:15,440 --> 00:59:17,760
Speaker 4: five days ago, maybe four days ago or something like that.

1120
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:21,880
Speaker 4: But you know, I mean, ebbs and flows, undulation, this

1121
00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:25,120
Speaker 4: is life. Yeah, you know, if this had happened maybe

1122
00:59:25,120 --> 00:59:27,160
Speaker 4: three years ago, I might not have had the bandwidth

1123
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:31,000
Speaker 4: to stomach what's happening, you know, but I'm good.

1124
00:59:31,240 --> 00:59:34,440
Speaker 2: I'd also even or or to even know that you

1125
00:59:34,480 --> 00:59:36,280
Speaker 2: could get to a nine. I'm sure a few years

1126
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:38,000
Speaker 2: ago was far fetched.

1127
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:40,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, you know, part of my part of

1128
00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:43,560
Speaker 3: my you know, uh, my.

1129
00:59:43,560 --> 00:59:47,760
Speaker 4: Self education has been to study happiness and study the

1130
00:59:47,840 --> 00:59:53,360
Speaker 4: concept of happiness. Wow, and what.

1131
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:53,480
Speaker 3: Makes us happy?

1132
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:57,080
Speaker 4: And you know, like I'm in my forties and so

1133
00:59:57,440 --> 00:59:59,760
Speaker 4: you know, this is this is this is This is

1134
00:59:59,800 --> 01:00:03,640
Speaker 4: the decade where we have like an existential crisis, you

1135
01:00:03,720 --> 01:00:07,360
Speaker 4: know what I'm saying, where we start to really really

1136
01:00:07,400 --> 01:00:10,360
Speaker 4: really really like look at.

1137
01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:12,360
Speaker 3: How is my life meaningful?

1138
01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:15,960
Speaker 4: What is my purpose? Maybe start thinking about you know,

1139
01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:17,720
Speaker 4: legacy and stuff like that.

1140
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:24,000
Speaker 2: That's all my IRL questions basically all those things, you know,

1141
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:27,480
Speaker 2: But yeah, these are the Yeah, this is the decade

1142
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 2: in which you think about these things where things that

1143
01:00:29,840 --> 01:00:31,880
Speaker 2: used to impress you or things.

1144
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:34,840
Speaker 4: That used to you know, like just you know, you

1145
01:00:34,960 --> 01:00:37,240
Speaker 4: used to be like mired, and you're thinking about that.

1146
01:00:37,960 --> 01:00:40,560
Speaker 4: You're just like, yeah, that's not really all that important,

1147
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:45,120
Speaker 4: you know what I mean. I'm thinking about I need

1148
01:00:45,120 --> 01:00:47,960
Speaker 4: to buy a vacation home because I need to spend

1149
01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:50,440
Speaker 4: a lot of time there. I need a happy place,

1150
01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:53,320
Speaker 4: a physical happy place where I can go and I

1151
01:00:53,360 --> 01:00:58,680
Speaker 4: can escape and I can just be the best version

1152
01:00:58,760 --> 01:01:00,800
Speaker 4: of myself, the self that I love of so much

1153
01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:04,120
Speaker 4: that yeah, you know. So I'm just trying to figure

1154
01:01:04,120 --> 01:01:06,680
Speaker 4: out where is that going to be? Costa Rica? Is

1155
01:01:06,680 --> 01:01:07,480
Speaker 4: it Nicaragua?

1156
01:01:07,560 --> 01:01:09,680
Speaker 3: Is it has been? Is it Jamaica?

1157
01:01:10,280 --> 01:01:10,560
Speaker 1: You know?

1158
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:13,040
Speaker 4: Is it Mexico. It's gonna be somewhere.

1159
01:01:13,120 --> 01:01:15,040
Speaker 3: Girls wait to see you guys.

1160
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:18,240
Speaker 4: I'm I'm gonna be looking at some real estate in

1161
01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:19,640
Speaker 4: Mexico on my next trip.

1162
01:01:19,760 --> 01:01:23,040
Speaker 3: Trust and believe, Yeah, I love that. So that's that's

1163
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:25,479
Speaker 3: what my idea of like.

1164
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:32,400
Speaker 4: Creating like a constant source of contentment and happiness, because

1165
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:34,400
Speaker 4: that's the other thing that I learned about happiness.

1166
01:01:34,120 --> 01:01:35,400
Speaker 3: Is it's it is, it is.

1167
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:38,840
Speaker 4: It is elusive, you know, and as human beings. We're

1168
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:43,000
Speaker 4: not really built to be on such a high level

1169
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:46,760
Speaker 4: of emotion all the time. We burn ourselves out. The

1170
01:01:46,800 --> 01:01:50,640
Speaker 4: goal is to search for contentment, not happiness, because it's,

1171
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:53,439
Speaker 4: like I said, it's too elusive, you know what I'm saying.

1172
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:57,120
Speaker 4: And life will come along and life, you know, life

1173
01:01:57,160 --> 01:01:58,680
Speaker 4: be life in it, do you know?

1174
01:01:58,800 --> 01:01:58,920
Speaker 2: So?

1175
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:01,800
Speaker 3: Content God, Contentment is the thing that you're looking for.

1176
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:03,120
Speaker 1: Two? Two things left.

1177
01:02:03,480 --> 01:02:07,760
Speaker 2: Number One, we talked about this time and the holidays,

1178
01:02:07,880 --> 01:02:11,960
Speaker 2: and this is not your first holiday without your mom

1179
01:02:12,120 --> 01:02:14,200
Speaker 2: or even since your accident and going through all of that,

1180
01:02:14,280 --> 01:02:15,960
Speaker 2: but you had I'm sure some of them. I'm sure

1181
01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:17,720
Speaker 2: this is tough, but I'm sure some of the ones

1182
01:02:17,760 --> 01:02:21,320
Speaker 2: from the past couple of years were even yeah, tougher.

1183
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:21,680
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1184
01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:24,360
Speaker 2: I can't imagine that first holiday after losing your mom

1185
01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:26,960
Speaker 2: and going through all of that, what that holiday season

1186
01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:29,520
Speaker 2: was like for you. And when I think about what

1187
01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:31,640
Speaker 2: some people might be going through right now who are

1188
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:35,240
Speaker 2: in the trenches of something and this time, I don't know,

1189
01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:39,480
Speaker 2: do you have any advice or any thoughts on.

1190
01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:43,560
Speaker 1: Just how to weather the storm or weather this time

1191
01:02:43,640 --> 01:02:44,000
Speaker 1: a year?

1192
01:02:44,280 --> 01:02:46,840
Speaker 4: You just you have to fy you really have to

1193
01:02:46,840 --> 01:02:50,480
Speaker 4: figure out what protecting your piece looks like for you, you know,

1194
01:02:50,560 --> 01:02:53,200
Speaker 4: I I can't tell you what protecting your piece looks like,

1195
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:56,680
Speaker 4: because it's you know, it's it's it's it's individual curation,

1196
01:02:57,200 --> 01:02:59,320
Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying. So for me, protecting my

1197
01:02:59,400 --> 01:03:01,960
Speaker 4: piece is I spend a lot less time on social

1198
01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:06,040
Speaker 4: media spend I spend no time digesting what's going on

1199
01:03:06,160 --> 01:03:08,680
Speaker 4: in the news. As much as you want to care

1200
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:12,400
Speaker 4: about what's happening to other people in the world, and

1201
01:03:12,440 --> 01:03:17,520
Speaker 4: they're you know, they're they're they're sordid circumstances. You protecting

1202
01:03:17,600 --> 01:03:21,439
Speaker 4: your peace, you have to live with yourself. You have

1203
01:03:21,640 --> 01:03:25,440
Speaker 4: to create a boundary, you have to, you know.

1204
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:28,440
Speaker 3: And so for me, that's what I do.

1205
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:34,160
Speaker 4: I really limit my social media interaction, how much I'm scrolling.

1206
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:36,960
Speaker 4: I'm very aware of the dopamine hitten stuff like that,

1207
01:03:37,600 --> 01:03:38,360
Speaker 4: especially this time.

1208
01:03:38,400 --> 01:03:41,040
Speaker 2: If I go back to this time when people only

1209
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:44,000
Speaker 2: put the highlight reel the highlight, everybody has the perfect

1210
01:03:44,040 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 2: family and the h and the husband or the or

1211
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:49,600
Speaker 2: the mom got from the perfect gift and they have

1212
01:03:49,640 --> 01:03:54,080
Speaker 2: the perfect relationship, and there's the comparison is at all

1213
01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:56,640
Speaker 2: time high of that, like you said that feed of

1214
01:03:56,680 --> 01:03:59,000
Speaker 2: like that, Yeah, I think you have to remind yourself

1215
01:03:59,280 --> 01:04:01,800
Speaker 2: that is not every buddy's reality. It's not if you

1216
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:04,280
Speaker 2: are in a down place right now, during especially this

1217
01:04:04,360 --> 01:04:07,160
Speaker 2: time of the year. The reality is there are a

1218
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:08,880
Speaker 2: lot of other people also in that.

1219
01:04:09,160 --> 01:04:11,360
Speaker 4: One of the things that I did in order to

1220
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:13,880
Speaker 4: get out of my head is I started to volunteer.

1221
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:18,400
Speaker 4: I was so I just was like, I am tired

1222
01:04:18,520 --> 01:04:22,160
Speaker 4: of myself. I am tired of constantly thinking of myself

1223
01:04:22,200 --> 01:04:23,120
Speaker 4: and my problems.

1224
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:24,320
Speaker 3: I am exhausted.

1225
01:04:24,640 --> 01:04:26,920
Speaker 4: I need to get out of my head and I

1226
01:04:27,000 --> 01:04:30,439
Speaker 4: need to put my effort and my energy somewhere else.

1227
01:04:30,480 --> 01:04:32,520
Speaker 3: So besides pilates and working.

1228
01:04:32,400 --> 01:04:34,640
Speaker 4: Out and stuff like that, I started to volunteer at

1229
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:37,520
Speaker 4: an animal shelter when I was still living in LA

1230
01:04:37,640 --> 01:04:41,800
Speaker 4: And when I tell you that I got so much

1231
01:04:41,920 --> 01:04:47,400
Speaker 4: joy out of cleaning the kittens little cages, there was

1232
01:04:47,400 --> 01:04:50,280
Speaker 4: nothing that made me happier in that moment. Like those

1233
01:04:50,560 --> 01:04:54,240
Speaker 4: few hours that I was at the shelter a couple

1234
01:04:54,240 --> 01:04:59,520
Speaker 4: few times a week brought me so much Joy's really good.

1235
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:05,040
Speaker 4: Volunteerism is really really something that is good for your soul.

1236
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:08,600
Speaker 2: You know, when you're like sick of yourself, if you're

1237
01:05:08,640 --> 01:05:11,520
Speaker 2: in desperation, and can't fix yourself quick enough to be

1238
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:14,960
Speaker 2: able to deal. It's just an easy quick fix to

1239
01:05:15,080 --> 01:05:16,920
Speaker 2: like take that energy and put it out work. It

1240
01:05:16,960 --> 01:05:19,200
Speaker 2: doesn't heal you completely, but in the moment, if you

1241
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:22,480
Speaker 2: just need to change your energy and get out of here,

1242
01:05:22,560 --> 01:05:25,480
Speaker 2: get out of yourself your own issues and problems.

1243
01:05:26,280 --> 01:05:28,320
Speaker 3: Service is service.

1244
01:05:28,520 --> 01:05:30,960
Speaker 4: A service onto others is a quick fix. It's a

1245
01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:34,200
Speaker 4: very quick fix, and it's it's very rewarding. It's very rewarding,

1246
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:36,200
Speaker 4: and I just I'm really good.

1247
01:05:36,680 --> 01:05:37,919
Speaker 3: It help.

1248
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:42,000
Speaker 4: It was It was a bomb. It really soothed my

1249
01:05:42,200 --> 01:05:46,080
Speaker 4: emotional and mental wounds, and I knew it was also

1250
01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:48,000
Speaker 4: something that my mom would be looking down on me

1251
01:05:48,040 --> 01:05:48,680
Speaker 4: and being like.

1252
01:05:50,240 --> 01:05:55,160
Speaker 1: That's my baby. Yeah, I love that. On that note, we'll.

1253
01:05:55,040 --> 01:05:57,520
Speaker 2: Ask our final question, which is in real life, what

1254
01:05:57,560 --> 01:05:58,840
Speaker 2: do you hope that people.

1255
01:06:00,320 --> 01:06:02,840
Speaker 1: Learn from you and your life and your experiences.

1256
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:11,920
Speaker 4: I hope that by way of me being transparent and

1257
01:06:11,960 --> 01:06:18,280
Speaker 4: candid about my experiences, people feel seen and heard and

1258
01:06:18,320 --> 01:06:19,240
Speaker 4: they feel.

1259
01:06:20,520 --> 01:06:21,760
Speaker 3: They feel less alone.

1260
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:23,760
Speaker 1: That was beautiful. Yeah.

1261
01:06:23,800 --> 01:06:25,440
Speaker 2: I want you to have an amazing holiday and I

1262
01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:27,200
Speaker 2: want you to get a vacational

1263
01:06:27,440 --> 01:06:29,320
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I'm I'm going to Mexico.