Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot m a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to Jay dot Ilo Podcasts. And we've been asking,
Speaker 1: you know, letting you know that you could call us
Speaker 1: and leave a message and let us know how you
Speaker 1: feel about the show. And you did. You did. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Just as Jill Scott and agr Grading
Speaker 1: Dance Learn likes St Clair, we are so geeked about
Speaker 1: the messages that you've been leaving about Jay dot il
Speaker 1: the podcast. Thank you so much, so without further ado,
Speaker 1: check it out. I see now I should give a
Speaker 1: disclaimer Jill that these are very random. I don't know
Speaker 1: what they're you're gonna hear, but I'm just gonna hit
Speaker 1: him because y'all deserve to be her. What if they
Speaker 1: comes to us out all right? Cost me out? You
Speaker 1: should see your face? Hey too. My name is Amber
Speaker 1: Rose Howard and I'm out here in California. I listened
Speaker 1: to the Long Bust episode and I am just so
Speaker 1: uh connected to the things that I all were saying
Speaker 1: around the excuse us about not being physical and and diet,
Speaker 1: especially when it got too real, stuff like you know,
Speaker 1: uh the workout closed and the hassehold of putting out
Speaker 1: I got big. You know, I'm ben branted out here,
Speaker 1: and I'm like having to put on sports flaw and
Speaker 1: you know, um the workout pants and just you have
Speaker 1: to go through those motions so um, you know, it's
Speaker 1: discouraging and and just to hear like, oh yeah, put
Speaker 1: them on in the morning and hold yourself to come.
Speaker 1: I'm about to work out before today is out or
Speaker 1: you know, um, just a lot of the trust that
Speaker 1: I really connected to and it has to be motivated,
Speaker 1: um to not laying a bit and do my stuff
Speaker 1: at jack kind of like day. But thank you all
Speaker 1: so much. I love the podcast. By thank you that
Speaker 1: that was that was like, is good good advice? Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: indeedy I have one. I did it today. Actually, I
Speaker 1: think it's so funny that that that that particular thing
Speaker 1: happened to me today. It doesn't look like I haven't
Speaker 1: workout clothes from y'all can see me, but I have
Speaker 1: on my workout pants and as this is so, I
Speaker 1: would take my walk nice. We'll love to Amber Rose
Speaker 1: Howard out there, and she said, I think Edison, California,
Speaker 1: love love, love all y'all want another one one another one? Yes, yes, ma'am. Okay,
Speaker 1: thank you all for the long bus today. I needed
Speaker 1: to hear that because my big behind is turning into
Speaker 1: a shadow during the pandemic and I really need to
Speaker 1: get one of us and get myself together. All of
Speaker 1: the conversations about UM information, especially with these food deserts
Speaker 1: in our black neighborhoods UM has been a conversation in
Speaker 1: our house and I'm so as y'all talked about it.
Speaker 1: It really like in the mood, but also made me
Speaker 1: know how serious this is as I'm approaching fifthy myself.
Speaker 1: So I thank you all so much for that conversation.
Speaker 1: Thank you for bringing it to light, and thank you
Speaker 1: for helping us so much to to really get this
Speaker 1: out there in the open. More and more I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: My name is Roxanne Grant from Miami, Florida. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Roxane Grant. That is man. This is the goal.
Speaker 1: I know I say it so much. You guys are
Speaker 1: probably tired of me saying it, but it is what
Speaker 1: it is. The goal is just to have conversation, to
Speaker 1: spark conversation, you know, and we think things. We all
Speaker 1: think things about what's happening in our society. Was going
Speaker 1: on in our neighborhoods and in our households, but we
Speaker 1: just might not say it out loud and for other
Speaker 1: people to you know, recognize that. Yo, you you gotta
Speaker 1: take the long bus, you know, in order to get
Speaker 1: to get healthy food. It's fucked up, but it's true.
Speaker 1: It's true because they're not they're not presenting that in
Speaker 1: our neighborhoods. You know, they're just not. Now with the
Speaker 1: panty honey, right, some folks really took advantage. But people
Speaker 1: like myself. We had the bread, we had the pasta,
Speaker 1: we watched the Netflix, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: I will be getting on the long bus myself. So,
Speaker 1: you know, regardless of all the things that may be
Speaker 1: in our way, we do have to make the decision
Speaker 1: and go forward, go forth. Well, you know when I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna lie today, I am. I'm I'm tired. So
Speaker 1: when we get off, I'm gonna take a nap. Hey man, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take a nap. But then after that, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna take the walk. I'm gonna go ahead and move
Speaker 1: this thing. And it's so true. All right, let's see
Speaker 1: what they're talking about. Is Charlotte, North Carolina, Okay, So
Speaker 1: I just listen to Days Your Faith from Charlotte Madelina.
Speaker 1: Um it's called the Shame, and you know I've been
Speaker 1: dealing with shame all my life. UM A lot had
Speaker 1: to do with my mom because you know, I'm a lesbian,
Speaker 1: so she does not like me being a lesbian. UM
Speaker 1: and she antagonizes me at all the time. But this
Speaker 1: episode will be touched to me and made me cry.
Speaker 1: But I thank y'all for everything you've done. Like I
Speaker 1: listened to it forbading every Wednesday and every Wednesday. And
Speaker 1: also you know my aunt loves you to Scott by
Speaker 1: the way, I man your mind, Nicole Daddy. But yeah,
Speaker 1: like I don't know when I when I listen to
Speaker 1: you y'all episode, it's it's a sigh of relief because
Speaker 1: y'all under staying and I've would love to talk to
Speaker 1: you just for thank you. You know, we we might
Speaker 1: have to take this. We might have to start traveling,
Speaker 1: you know, we might have to start trying and look
Speaker 1: at the faces and meet the people. Because thus far
Speaker 1: there have been men, women, you know, and everybody in
Speaker 1: between them. They though, come on, jail, I try. I
Speaker 1: am trying to learn and thank you, Agel, thank you.
Speaker 1: Like yeah, but there's been all kinds of human beings
Speaker 1: that are just like, hey, this touched me, this moved me,
Speaker 1: This made me angry, this made me want to change something.
Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful for that. And I know, I
Speaker 1: know your ladies are too. I know it. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that shame episode. Like I listened back to that and
Speaker 1: I was I'm I might have teared up at at us. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I really do appreciate that we be honest and
Speaker 1: that we will really we really show ourselves. And I'm
Speaker 1: really grateful for that. Like nobody could take that away.
Speaker 1: Like I'm grateful that people listen to the show, but
Speaker 1: I'm just really grateful that when whoever finds it, they
Speaker 1: finding to us us. Yeah, and we can always find
Speaker 1: the funny because you know, I'm just proud that we
Speaker 1: spoke up for the small penis man because it's important
Speaker 1: for somebody. What come on, a girl, what else you got?
Speaker 1: You know? I kind of see I feel like the laughter,
Speaker 1: the laughter is that's like hurtful, yo, like that trying
Speaker 1: not to laught what you're gonna do if what are
Speaker 1: you gonna do about your if your penis is small.
Speaker 1: What you're gonna do about it? Nothing can be done.
Speaker 1: It's sad. And I said, see that. I always say
Speaker 1: that's this ship right there, like trying to be better.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that in my lifetime. I told you y'
Speaker 1: all already, well, um, one of my my top three.
Speaker 1: It's like thumbsized and I have small hands. Now I'm laughing,
Speaker 1: that's not right. But he look at your life. But listen,
Speaker 1: I tell you having having an understanding how to give pleasure.
Speaker 1: He knew what to do, he understood the assignment. That's
Speaker 1: why it's in my job three. I'll never forget your dolly, No,
Speaker 1: I like it. Give him hope, baby, That's what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. We gotta shout out folks too, because I'm
Speaker 1: not everybody can have the time to stop and you
Speaker 1: know call. But folks before we even had this line,
Speaker 1: found us, like on Twitter, even before we had our
Speaker 1: social like they found us on Twitter. And it's been
Speaker 1: quite a few folks have been wryting with us from
Speaker 1: the beginning. I know one person that comes to mind.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's Royce Hall. Hey, Royce Hi roys
Speaker 1: and makes seven Roads tweets and whatnot. So I just
Speaker 1: want to take a moment to also like pick up
Speaker 1: some of our folks on Twitter and some of the
Speaker 1: comments that we get one there I was gonna read
Speaker 1: I have one that it's like consistently just supportive. He
Speaker 1: always talks about the episodes always and I appreciate that
Speaker 1: so much. So shout out to Mr Charles Lyles, thank
Speaker 1: you so much. He wrote, Jill, please let your girl
Speaker 1: Kindred the wife. No, she needs to market and copyright
Speaker 1: a bit you drained. I know every woman felt what
Speaker 1: she said right to the core of their souls. It
Speaker 1: had me cracking up. I love her, realists, Charles, I
Speaker 1: love it too. It's not just the words, right Charles.
Speaker 1: It's like the way she's said, honey baby, And it's
Speaker 1: funny because I didn't I don't even remember saying it,
Speaker 1: but I punish you when I said it. I felt it.
Speaker 1: That's that's where I was at. But maybe I'll give
Speaker 1: me a little shirt though. And I don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: just one special for Sharles, don't you know, or a
Speaker 1: woman that he knows gonna really understand that feeling. But
Speaker 1: I thank you, Charles. I appreciate, appreciate. Royce said there's
Speaker 1: something about this episode in particular, Uh, they survived, so
Speaker 1: you could thrive. That literally feels so at someone's house
Speaker 1: with your shoes off, sitting in the living room talking
Speaker 1: it up, or enjoying brunch somewhere any additance. I just
Speaker 1: thought that was sweet. Yeah, I mean, like I told you,
Speaker 1: I think I really like this energy that it feels
Speaker 1: like the show has an audience that is cross generations
Speaker 1: or cross age groups. You know, where people feel like
Speaker 1: we're the girlfriends, but they also feel like we're maybe
Speaker 1: like the older sisters and in some instances like the
Speaker 1: full long aunties. And so I feel like that's pretty
Speaker 1: dope because that's covering a lot of I don't know,
Speaker 1: roles in people's lives, you know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: and open it up because everybody doesn't have that. Everybody
Speaker 1: don't have access to hearing or sitting at the feet
Speaker 1: of anyone or being at that table or at that brunch.
Speaker 1: So I think that's really special. Words. Yeah, I want
Speaker 1: to shout out Timiljen. I'm so sorry if I pronounced
Speaker 1: your name incorrectly. Timblegen Scott, He's I can't find what
Speaker 1: he's posted, but he's always you know, always listening to
Speaker 1: the podcast and always making comments that you can tell
Speaker 1: he was really listening. Yeah, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: he was really in it. It wasn't It wasn't like
Speaker 1: oh i'll say something nice today. You know that's that's
Speaker 1: not at all what it was. Ever, So I definitely
Speaker 1: appreciate anytime you comment, thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 1: Is it kind of cool that the Brothers is out
Speaker 1: there hitting us on Twitter? Like I mean, like, thank you.
Speaker 1: I appreciate the Brothers who realized not for nothing. Not
Speaker 1: only are you know you're getting good conversation, but sometimes
Speaker 1: you're getting some conversation that usually some knowledge you're not
Speaker 1: unaware of giving some behind the scenes. This is some cheating,
Speaker 1: cheating in a good way. Cript note I got hit
Speaker 1: on on Instagram speaking of from Princess Black, who said
Speaker 1: it's really a wealth of information, just like this ship
Speaker 1: should not be free. I was like, thank you, ma'am. Listen, well,
Speaker 1: thank you, ma'il. Be happy to give it to you though,
Speaker 1: for for whatever you know, whatever that for it so
Speaker 1: you can get it for free. That boy, more real talk.
Speaker 1: After the break, I got another call here from Martha.
Speaker 1: I want to check her out. Indeed, Hi, my name
Speaker 1: is Martha. I'm actually called about the episode along bus.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies for
Speaker 1: speaking about especially the health. Um. I'll wake up every
Speaker 1: morning I was to a podcast, as you guys are
Speaker 1: in my rotation. This particular morning of I woke up,
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm not exercising today. I had a
Speaker 1: hundred thousand reasons why my knees. That's definitely hit home
Speaker 1: for me, y'all. You all talking about the knees because
Speaker 1: I have terrible needs. I'm forty four, so that's an issue.
Speaker 1: Then I'm a natural and this week I decided to
Speaker 1: wear my hair and straightened and I didn't want to
Speaker 1: sweat it out. So you know, I had a hundred
Speaker 1: and run reasons of why not to work out. But
Speaker 1: you ladies are given me some hope. It's and inspiration
Speaker 1: and motivation. The dairy. Yes, I love milk, and I
Speaker 1: have like really tried the last couple of years of
Speaker 1: weaning myself off. I buy half gallant all the time
Speaker 1: and they just go away. But the chiefs, the chiefs,
Speaker 1: I can't let go of the cheese. It's like I
Speaker 1: have cheese stick in the apple, you know, because I
Speaker 1: am working and um, the going to the farmer's mark things. Look,
Speaker 1: I can walk to my farmer's market from my house.
Speaker 1: That's how sad it is. I don't go get vegetables
Speaker 1: all the time. I do try not to eat process too.
Speaker 1: But I just want to tell you guys that you guys,
Speaker 1: you know I'm trying to make this too long, but
Speaker 1: I do thank you for the episode. Um, it gave
Speaker 1: me a lot of motivation. I'm probably gonna stow it
Speaker 1: again because it just gave me a lot of things
Speaker 1: too to think about. Uh, and know that I'm not
Speaker 1: out here on the struggle alone. You know. The way
Speaker 1: to care of myself be trying to be more holistic
Speaker 1: believes the needs have got me. But I just want
Speaker 1: to thank you ladies. In that episode really hit home.
Speaker 1: You also tea doing what you do. Thanks From what
Speaker 1: I unders understanding, it's the it's the oils. So it's
Speaker 1: those flax seed oils and and such are joints a
Speaker 1: little more, oh women, fish oils too. Right, Yes, you
Speaker 1: know I knew that, but I was You're okay, you
Speaker 1: knew that age No, I knew it, but I have
Speaker 1: not thought about that a long time and because sometimes
Speaker 1: it's a long list of stuff we supposed to be
Speaker 1: taking anyway. But I need to put that in back
Speaker 1: at my regiment. I'm thank you for bringing that back up, girl,
Speaker 1: like between the melt fizzle, the code, the C co
Speaker 1: q ten, the the D three K three, like the
Speaker 1: the the tensions. My tensions is taken on that Monday
Speaker 1: Today vitamin thing that you open up and you put
Speaker 1: all your stuff in it. But you can't do with
Speaker 1: your tention, your tens, your ty call them the tenson.
Speaker 1: The drop can't do nothing. Thank you, Tink Tink tink shirts,
Speaker 1: that tink shirts you so so tink shirts for anybody
Speaker 1: who listening. Basically, they're just drops, tinctions that you tend
Speaker 1: to put them money and then then hold them called
Speaker 1: a couple of you know, thirty seconds or so they say.
Speaker 1: They they're you know, more potent than the actual vitamin.
Speaker 1: So that's why thank you and a tink and a
Speaker 1: t shirt shout to my girlfriend Sparry because I just
Speaker 1: have to say something to her because like that, she's
Speaker 1: my tincture person. She telled me what I need to take,
Speaker 1: so that's where I get that from. I just have
Speaker 1: to shout her because Lord, she's gonna mad when she
Speaker 1: hear that part. Anyway, well shout out. So I'll be
Speaker 1: na because she's she's my tink shirt lady. That's the
Speaker 1: first time. That's the first time. I'll be na. I
Speaker 1: love it. Yeah, them, that's the Tamasi. That was the
Speaker 1: first time I heard tink shirt. M M. But she's
Speaker 1: she's the first time. Jill. I was like, oh God,
Speaker 1: tink Shirt. I'll tell y'all that I know we're doing
Speaker 1: right when we've got several like life coaches, people that
Speaker 1: do this for a living, that hit us up on
Speaker 1: social and I wanted to pick up to kindle Lanise
Speaker 1: or is it Kendell because she definitely has like a
Speaker 1: little accent over the e. But she's a life coach
Speaker 1: on Instagram and she hit us up a couple of
Speaker 1: weeks ago and she said, I just want to thank
Speaker 1: you Asia and Jill. Your podcast as Black women and
Speaker 1: life coach has given me breath. The conversations you all
Speaker 1: have man on man, I love y'all keep doing this podcast.
Speaker 1: It's changing lives. I have a podcast too, and these
Speaker 1: conversations push us forward as black people. That's what we're
Speaker 1: just trying ps. Her podcast is because I asked her
Speaker 1: what hers was so we can pick it up. Shine
Speaker 1: by Kendall Lannis. That's her podcast. Yes, yeah, yeah, very
Speaker 1: very nice. Oh wait, I think I got a fella. Hold.
Speaker 1: I got a call from a fella because we said
Speaker 1: we love my fellas Hill. My name is Johnny d Um.
Speaker 1: I have a question not about one episode, is about
Speaker 1: a multiple episodes that you, uh, lady who spoke about.
Speaker 1: And I'm also a fan of everything that you want
Speaker 1: to be doing that eloquently speaking about. But the question
Speaker 1: that I have three questions in one. The question is
Speaker 1: is around sexual assault. I have friends and I have
Speaker 1: a wife that has been dealing with sexual assault. Um.
Speaker 1: The question is what does the other side of sexual
Speaker 1: assault look like when it comes to loving someone or
Speaker 1: that species that wronged you? For one? And for two,
Speaker 1: when it comes to sex period, what does it look like?
Speaker 1: And then it can it be you know, how how
Speaker 1: do you get open enough to have sex with a person? Uh?
Speaker 1: And for three, when it comes to if you should
Speaker 1: or should not have a porn mother like Vanessa del Rio,
Speaker 1: as you guys put it um, because that is the
Speaker 1: graduation stage. Maybe or maybe not to be open to
Speaker 1: do more sexual exploration in that and if you're comfortable
Speaker 1: in that. I have these questions because I'm also a
Speaker 1: life coach and I also deal with many different things
Speaker 1: of many different women, and I have sisters, I have aunts,
Speaker 1: to have a lot of women in my life that
Speaker 1: has helped me. So I'm wondering with all these questions,
Speaker 1: and I apologize that there are so many. What does
Speaker 1: the other side look like with all of these other
Speaker 1: levels when someone that has wrong with you? Thank you
Speaker 1: and thank you for your time. M hmm, thank you.
Speaker 1: So we had three questions. Is there any way to
Speaker 1: go back so we can hear one at a time. Sure,
Speaker 1: let me see why I That's why I took that
Speaker 1: mental note, because I knew that Jill Scott would be
Speaker 1: testing me. Here we are. The question is what does
Speaker 1: the other side of sexual assault look like when it
Speaker 1: comes to loving someone or that species that wronged you?
Speaker 1: What does it look like when it comes to loving someone? Now,
Speaker 1: he said specie, but I believe he meant gender gender
Speaker 1: loving the other side, loving the other the gender that
Speaker 1: hurts you or harmed you. It looks like therapy. Friends.
Speaker 1: To me, it looks like it looks like plenty of
Speaker 1: therapy and unpacking. I remember, like you had mentioned, you
Speaker 1: know that you had a hard time opening your legs.
Speaker 1: That you know, that really struck me, because you know,
Speaker 1: that's really that's really what we got, you know, protecting
Speaker 1: this gold mine over him. You know, we got these
Speaker 1: legs that kind of hopefully will will bind together so
Speaker 1: that somebody can't take advantage of us. Yeah, that's it's
Speaker 1: quite a bit friend, you know, to to date again,
Speaker 1: or to try again, to trust somebody, to sleep around someone,
Speaker 1: you know, once you literally close your eyes right and
Speaker 1: to ows your eyes to truly rest, you know, and
Speaker 1: not be on guard. It takes time. It takes time,
Speaker 1: and it takes I would believe that it takes slow friendships,
Speaker 1: reals slow friendships with men. You know, if that's who
Speaker 1: it was, it may it may have well been a
Speaker 1: female that did something like that to you, But it
Speaker 1: takes time and really really slow friendships to build trust.
Speaker 1: And I think it's a wise decision if you have
Speaker 1: been sexually assaulted to take a class as well. This
Speaker 1: might sound so I'm just saying this is what I think.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you guys, you ladies are gonna jump further
Speaker 1: into it, but it's I think it's a really good
Speaker 1: idea to take a self defense class so that you
Speaker 1: you can begin to feel like you have some level
Speaker 1: of power again in in your protection, in your safety
Speaker 1: and well being. I think that was a good answer.
Speaker 1: I think, you know, trying to support somebody through a
Speaker 1: trauma really can be very similar no matter what the
Speaker 1: trauma is. You know what I'm saying, having that patience,
Speaker 1: encouraging them to get support outside of yourself, whether it's
Speaker 1: through group therapy, whether it's individual therapy, um encouraging them
Speaker 1: to understand about their own wellness and investing in that.
Speaker 1: Those are the kinds of things and what partnership and
Speaker 1: friendship looks like for a person who's you know, a survivor. Yeah, yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: And then you don't have to be a woman to
Speaker 1: to be that friend. A person can open up to
Speaker 1: a mail if that is the energy that they're giving,
Speaker 1: If they're giving the right energy, I think they're open
Speaker 1: to feeling that. As far as as far as being
Speaker 1: in a relationship. You know, again, that's just about patients.
Speaker 1: That's about understanding, like you said, taking allowing them the
Speaker 1: time to heal and work on that healing and um
Speaker 1: not taking things personal, not believing that it's a you know,
Speaker 1: at tackle on the relationship or that they don't trust you.
Speaker 1: It's just that they are dealing with the traumatic experience.
Speaker 1: But I think that that happens with trauma across the boarder.
Speaker 1: I really believe that. But I think that that can
Speaker 1: happen no matter what the traumatic experience. Sometimes we have
Speaker 1: a way of mothering a sexual assault and though it
Speaker 1: has its specific kinds of outcomes in terms of how
Speaker 1: people respond, but overwall support and support hard should we do?
Speaker 1: The second question when it comes to sex period, what
Speaker 1: does it look like? Can it? Can it be? You know?
Speaker 1: How how do you get open enough to have sex
Speaker 1: with a person after sexual assault? How do you get
Speaker 1: open enough to have sex with a person again? It's
Speaker 1: the same, It's it's time and patience. Patience. Yes, it's
Speaker 1: a lot of patients there. How does the woman or
Speaker 1: the man become open enough to to do it again,
Speaker 1: both of them? For the person who was assaulted and
Speaker 1: the person who's trying to engage in sex with someone
Speaker 1: who has been assaulted, like patience for that person and
Speaker 1: patience for yourself. Yeah, because you might you might be
Speaker 1: going without for a while. You know, if you're the
Speaker 1: partner of someone who's sexually assaulted you, your you might
Speaker 1: be going without for a while. And I know how
Speaker 1: you know that can be frustrating. You're in a relationship
Speaker 1: and you don't intend on being celibate, but it is,
Speaker 1: you know, it is what it is. Hopefully, hopefully your
Speaker 1: relationship is strong enough to bear that, because the last
Speaker 1: thing I would say to somebody if you feel like
Speaker 1: your partner who has been sexually assaulted, they're not giving
Speaker 1: you what you need. I think you would have to
Speaker 1: to try your best to be honest. It's not a
Speaker 1: good time to break up. It's not a good time,
Speaker 1: you know, but it's worse to be cheated on. So
Speaker 1: you know, adding that being sexually assaulted and cheated on
Speaker 1: is that's that's that's too much to offer friendship. But
Speaker 1: realize where you are in your life that this is
Speaker 1: not what you want. Celibacy is not something that you
Speaker 1: want in a relationship. You know, I would say that,
Speaker 1: you know you have to be really honest about that,
Speaker 1: but continue to be a friend. Don't just disappear like
Speaker 1: I can't getting us or I'm out. You know that
Speaker 1: that's a whole other trauma attached to that, because now
Speaker 1: you know they're thinking about sex in a way that
Speaker 1: it's not going to be healthy later either. You know,
Speaker 1: when when something happens like that to someone with sexual
Speaker 1: assault happens to someone you love, there's a lot of patients,
Speaker 1: and you have to be honest on your on your side,
Speaker 1: and if it's a marriage or something, when it happens
Speaker 1: during the relationship and you feel like you might need
Speaker 1: some therapy because just knowing that your person was violated
Speaker 1: can be ah, you know, mind thing. Let me say
Speaker 1: there's a circle back, just a little tiny bit that
Speaker 1: also to not even just how you interact sexually with
Speaker 1: a person who is a survivor, but the things you
Speaker 1: say out of your mouth. I think it's really important
Speaker 1: to understand what trigger survivors. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people say things, and especially things not understanding rape culture,
Speaker 1: not understanding our society and how it works. How you
Speaker 1: can say things that have quote unquote opinions about things
Speaker 1: that trigger your mate or trigger a person close to
Speaker 1: you who is a survivor. So you know, while you're
Speaker 1: talking about you know, you still want to listen to
Speaker 1: a certain person song, or you want to do this,
Speaker 1: or you want to do that, or you want to
Speaker 1: talk about a rapper or this person or whatever. Be careful,
Speaker 1: you know, educate yourself about what that means and how
Speaker 1: that feels to survivors, because sometimes it's not even Maybe
Speaker 1: maybe you're okay when not having sex, maybe you're okay
Speaker 1: with going to therapy, but maybe you don't really understand
Speaker 1: from a you know, a political and societal kind of
Speaker 1: side of it, that that there's just certain things you
Speaker 1: don't do and say, wow, I think that you have
Speaker 1: to also ask a lot of questions, you know, don't
Speaker 1: be on the other side not you know, just guessing
Speaker 1: and assuming you have to do. You have to ask
Speaker 1: how do you feel? What do you think? What do
Speaker 1: you want? You know? What what do you think is best?
Speaker 1: You know? What shouldn't I do right now? Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1: And the last but final question from my man Johnny
Speaker 1: did and for three when it comes to if you
Speaker 1: should or should not have a porn mother like Vanessa
Speaker 1: del Rio, as you guys put it um, because that
Speaker 1: is the graduation stage maybe you or maybe not to
Speaker 1: be open to do more sexual exploration in that and
Speaker 1: if you're comfortable in that, you're saying, should someone have
Speaker 1: someone to look up to? And in sex? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: had to separate that question from the first two because
Speaker 1: initially I was like, wait, this has something to do
Speaker 1: with the first two, But no, he just asking separately,
Speaker 1: just should a person have someone to look to, somebody
Speaker 1: that looked I mean most of us do we just yeah, like,
Speaker 1: it's usually several people who don't. I'm sorry there are
Speaker 1: some people who don't. There are still some people who
Speaker 1: have a lot of sexual stigma and believe a lot
Speaker 1: of things they should not do. A lot of people
Speaker 1: I'll never forget one time I was on Instagram and
Speaker 1: I asked people like, had an old had an elder
Speaker 1: ever told you some old toxic mess that you didn't
Speaker 1: realize was a hot mess till later? And when I
Speaker 1: tell you sexual stuff just in general. But what I'm
Speaker 1: saying is that people have a tendency to implant certain
Speaker 1: beliefs around, specifically around something like sex, that can mess
Speaker 1: you up for life. So yeah, come, let's keep it real.
Speaker 1: We come from the era we giving head was just
Speaker 1: something talked about. It was a white girl's thing in
Speaker 1: a night these right then we that's when it was
Speaker 1: like black girls don't do that in the nineties, and
Speaker 1: now all of a sudden then we started, you know,
Speaker 1: but we've been doing it, but we just maybe didn't
Speaker 1: talk about it. But but my point is, I think
Speaker 1: it might be a good idea for somebody to to
Speaker 1: be able to have someone who can help them become
Speaker 1: more comfortable with with sex. I mean there are therapists
Speaker 1: that works specifically around sex. Sex therapists people who talk
Speaker 1: to folks about you know, you know, just about kind
Speaker 1: of pulling back whatever it is stuff that they have
Speaker 1: holding them. You know, that's holding them back from having
Speaker 1: the best sexual experience that they can and the most
Speaker 1: healthy one. So yeah, I mean I think that could
Speaker 1: be just as helpful as any kind of other therapists.
Speaker 1: I don't know where you find them. I mean, like therapy, absolutely,
Speaker 1: but I don't know where you find the friend um.
Speaker 1: I am sexual mother to several um women. Uh Um.
Speaker 1: I guess that's the only way I could put it.
Speaker 1: A mentor okay, mentor to being on these conversations with
Speaker 1: the last tip of you gave. I've got so many questions.
Speaker 1: The last my advice she gave as the mom. For me,
Speaker 1: it was a it was a couple, they've been together
Speaker 1: for a few years. They're both exceptionally beautiful to look at,
Speaker 1: but the sex was a little it was a little
Speaker 1: more aggressive than what she wanted, and that she didn't
Speaker 1: mind the aggressiveness of it, but you know, she wanted
Speaker 1: something else. And my response to her it was that
Speaker 1: she was going to have to take charge of it,
Speaker 1: that she was going to have to maneuver in ways
Speaker 1: that are not typical, that there's waves of the ocean,
Speaker 1: and that she was going to have to mimic those
Speaker 1: waves and they're not back and forth, and they're not
Speaker 1: up and down. Yes, j come on, mimic the way.
Speaker 1: It ain't up and down, and it ain't up and down,
Speaker 1: and it ain't back and forth. It's communication. It's a
Speaker 1: conversation and when she says she but she needs him
Speaker 1: to to respond in kind, you know, or say something completely,
Speaker 1: say something different, but nonetheless respond and then after a while,
Speaker 1: the community it starts that you're talking at the same time.
Speaker 1: Now you're speaking the same language. But it's a it's
Speaker 1: a practice, but it's it's not what you know. It
Speaker 1: appears to be you know, on on the most im porn,
Speaker 1: most most porn is like up and down and back
Speaker 1: and forth. You know that it's that's not it. We're
Speaker 1: talking about connecting, We're talking about communicating. It's it's a
Speaker 1: it's a whole different vibe. Yeah, now you can get
Speaker 1: some more calls on this one down jails. Oh you
Speaker 1: get it? Thanks you Okay, okay, ask let me not stop,
Speaker 1: let me stop. Look, don't put it on to me, stop,
Speaker 1: let me stop. I'm in my notes some ways, more
Speaker 1: conversation after the break, let me play way. I think
Speaker 1: I missed. I didn't get Stephanie in. Hey, y'all, my
Speaker 1: name is secon Me and I just needed to tell y'all,
Speaker 1: thank y'all so much for everything y'all doing in this podcast.
Speaker 1: I've been listening since day one, and I've been wanting
Speaker 1: to call y'all, like almost every episode, UM to talk
Speaker 1: about how they y'all are. UM, one of my favorite
Speaker 1: people y'all interviewed with fine Pe and that was just
Speaker 1: the most hilarious episode ever. But today episode I literally
Speaker 1: just finished listening to it, and it was they survived
Speaker 1: so you could thrive, And I just appreciate you all
Speaker 1: to just bringing up so many things that I've thought
Speaker 1: about so many times, and so where I am right
Speaker 1: now in my life at forty one, feeling like middle
Speaker 1: age and being a single woman, um not married with
Speaker 1: no kids, and it's just like thinking about expectations of
Speaker 1: generations before me, and how I sometimes feel like I'm
Speaker 1: not where I should be because I don't have all
Speaker 1: the things that we're impressed in my mind that I
Speaker 1: should have basically at this point in my life, and
Speaker 1: thinking about the fact that I have friends who I
Speaker 1: graduated from high schools just who are now like grandparents
Speaker 1: and I'm just like wow, like WHOA, Okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 1: And also seeing a generation of young people who are
Speaker 1: in their twenties who are like killing it in every
Speaker 1: aspect of a game in life and just have so
Speaker 1: many things that I'm still aspiring to have. And it's
Speaker 1: just like, you know, hearing y'all articulate the differences in
Speaker 1: language and trying to catch up and keep up with
Speaker 1: all of the new things that are coming about now,
Speaker 1: as well as trying to let go some of these
Speaker 1: old traditions that were put in place before us that
Speaker 1: no longer serve us. I mean, thank you all for
Speaker 1: being like voices. Thank you' all for just being beautiful
Speaker 1: minds and spirits, and I appreciate you'all for just being
Speaker 1: like the big sister cousins um that I would just
Speaker 1: love to hang with. You know, I'm still trying to
Speaker 1: figure out and find if I have a tribe. I
Speaker 1: guess everybody does. Pause, Like, thank you all for being
Speaker 1: pretty much a virtual tribe for me to hear things
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't have heard otherwise if y'all hadn't brought
Speaker 1: this podcast to light for us to hear. You're beautiful mine.
Speaker 1: So I'm grateful to jel Asia, Like, yeah, thank y'all
Speaker 1: so much. It's so many topics that you'll touched on,
Speaker 1: but this one right here. Cut off on it because
Speaker 1: you know, we only got a limited time on that voicemail.
Speaker 1: Y'all know what it is, right, But that was beautiful
Speaker 1: and so heartfelt and so understandable, so understandableby girls. That
Speaker 1: was I was like, she's talking about my life talking
Speaker 1: so understandable. I want to tell you, when it comes
Speaker 1: to building your tribe, you have to start to do
Speaker 1: the things that really float your boat. Go go and
Speaker 1: do those things even if it is by yourself and
Speaker 1: when you do it really enjoy it. Whether it's crocheting
Speaker 1: in the park or maybe you join you know, approcheate club.
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not saying that because that's an old
Speaker 1: thing to do. Crocheting is dope, So anybody who doesn't think,
Speaker 1: you know, but I'm just saying, whatever it is roller
Speaker 1: skating and that's what you like to do. If you're
Speaker 1: a roller coaster advocate, if that's something that you're like,
Speaker 1: you're like really rock with roller coasters. You know, there's
Speaker 1: there are people that do what you do bike riding
Speaker 1: and and go go where they are, go to group
Speaker 1: commercial about this. Really, I'm sure there is, but you know,
Speaker 1: go search out your folks and if that's not the
Speaker 1: right one, find another one. You know, it's it's like
Speaker 1: nothing just happens. You have to actually get up, go
Speaker 1: out and do something, and you know, go and go
Speaker 1: ahead and find your people. And if you're looking for
Speaker 1: a relationship, you know, this is my my thoughts on
Speaker 1: on that is that you have to start hanging out
Speaker 1: with happy people, hang out hang out with with people
Speaker 1: who enjoy being of service to them, be of service
Speaker 1: to them. I'm not saying be a slave to him.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, be of service to them if they
Speaker 1: you know, they need something, or if it's an older couple,
Speaker 1: do nice things for them, like what you do good.
Speaker 1: Be gat's good, you know, and I know that to
Speaker 1: be true. You know, just just spending your time with
Speaker 1: people who actually really like each other and love each
Speaker 1: other and honor each other, they exist, and be of
Speaker 1: service to them. That's the if that's your way to
Speaker 1: get in, you know, find out if they need their
Speaker 1: dog walks, find out, you know, and make a couple
Speaker 1: of bucks at it. While you're doing it, and you're
Speaker 1: getting some exercise, you know, look at the look at
Speaker 1: the pluses, find all the pluses of your life, and
Speaker 1: just jump into those pluses hard and smile as much
Speaker 1: as you can and enjoy the ride, and don't worry
Speaker 1: about the rest of it. I know, you know, regardless
Speaker 1: of what your mind might be saying or somebody else
Speaker 1: about what you should have, what your consciousness saying to you,
Speaker 1: you know, about what you should have it should have,
Speaker 1: could have, would have. It's it's somebody else's stuff. It's
Speaker 1: not your existence. This is what you have, So you
Speaker 1: can get because if you don't know that you're grateful
Speaker 1: for what you got, how are you gonna give you
Speaker 1: what you want? But I'm just, oh, girl, if I
Speaker 1: don't know that you're grateful for what you got, why
Speaker 1: why would you give you what you want? Ain't even
Speaker 1: grateful for what you got? And we're not talking about you,
Speaker 1: we're just speaking specifically like and you know, well specifically
Speaker 1: in general, but move talking about but even once up
Speaker 1: earlier about the tribe thing. I think what happens is
Speaker 1: that we do take someone for granted that we have
Speaker 1: one and then for some of us have multiple, and
Speaker 1: I think we think that's just regular. It's it's not.
Speaker 1: It's not everybody doesn't have that, And some of us
Speaker 1: are overcoming trauma that's keeping us from doing this. Like
Speaker 1: you said, going out, maybe you depressed, maybe you don't
Speaker 1: get out, Maybe you're dealing with some trauma that makes
Speaker 1: you afraid, maybe you've been through something. So I think again,
Speaker 1: that's heartwarming and encouraging to hear someone say I get
Speaker 1: that tribe thing. I'm getting some of that from listening
Speaker 1: to you all. You know what I'm saying, and so
Speaker 1: now you can pinpoint what it feels like. So it
Speaker 1: sounds like what it sounds like, what it feels like,
Speaker 1: So then you can say, okay, boom, all right, I
Speaker 1: kind of have at least a little idea about what
Speaker 1: it is I'm looking for, what works for me, the
Speaker 1: kind of conversations I'm trying to have with the people
Speaker 1: in my circle. So that's yeah, that's that's fabulous. Just
Speaker 1: a sidebar, right real quick. For anybody who wants to
Speaker 1: learn something from another person, be of service to them. Wait,
Speaker 1: sit out again, jil. If you're if you want to
Speaker 1: learn something from another person, be of service to regardless
Speaker 1: of what it what it may be, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, what it is that you want to learn?
Speaker 1: You know, the student is a humble it's it's being
Speaker 1: a student is a humble act. So act do do something,
Speaker 1: you know to benefit your teacher. You know, well what
Speaker 1: old girl had to bring pie may what she had
Speaker 1: to make him uh rice, and she had to make
Speaker 1: him his tea, and you know she had to clean
Speaker 1: and sweep and do everything else. So he trainer, you know,
Speaker 1: Mr Miyagi, you know, off and then carry to care,
Speaker 1: read the buckets and do the thing. If you really
Speaker 1: want to know if you really want to learn be
Speaker 1: of service and you know what, stuff not for nothing.
Speaker 1: Stephanie from Detroit who asked that question, I can say too,
Speaker 1: if you're on Twitter and you hit the hashtag jd il,
Speaker 1: you might find some tribal some tribal members in there,
Speaker 1: like maybe you start there, Like I was looking at
Speaker 1: my girl Donna, who was came when we did Our
Speaker 1: Our Lives, even a live virtual man. We have some
Speaker 1: folks that really been down and they stayed with us,
Speaker 1: and Donna is one of those and she live tweets
Speaker 1: our show. So people like Donna she around. I feel
Speaker 1: she might be tri for you. Stuff. You never know, y'all.
Speaker 1: Betta introduced, Yeah, yeah, hey, girl, you like every part
Speaker 1: of it because I'm gonna tell you something. It is
Speaker 1: nothing like a girlfriend, but like, girl, I need to
Speaker 1: connect you with someone. Yeah, yeah, listen, however, this happy
Speaker 1: days over here about that? Yeah, go ahead, got the
Speaker 1: soul proof too, because they always laugh to tweeting our
Speaker 1: show as well. Show enough, we're gonna take a quick
Speaker 1: break and then we'll be right back. All right. Let
Speaker 1: me let me let me see what Latoy talking about
Speaker 1: over here. Hello, Jill and the rest of the ladies.
Speaker 1: This is Latoy Brown and I'm talking about the long bus.
Speaker 1: And that's that was a great episode. The hour was
Speaker 1: definitely not enough. I am studying to be an a
Speaker 1: romance therapist, so I was all over that one. And
Speaker 1: I'm reading a book called Essential Healing that has a
Speaker 1: lot of what you're talking about, and more the benefits
Speaker 1: of natural posture. And nobody thinks about the Nettie pod
Speaker 1: to rinse out your nose. Nobody thinks about all the
Speaker 1: bacteria and that gets trapped inside of our noses. So
Speaker 1: that was a great episode. I loved it. I love
Speaker 1: you all. Have a good one. Thank you, bye bye,
Speaker 1: thank you. You know, my mother has been saying that
Speaker 1: for a long time, since I was a child, you
Speaker 1: gotta wash your nose out. Yet that that was in
Speaker 1: my house, I wish I didn't have. Get yeah, you
Speaker 1: can't have no. I have a deviated sept all right,
Speaker 1: so it won't go it won't go over there. Mm hmmm,
Speaker 1: it all it doesn't make hurt. Damn, you're gonna make
Speaker 1: me try this. I'm always scared to put that stuff
Speaker 1: up my nose. You know. I don't like to put
Speaker 1: afron in my nose, but I don't know. It's not
Speaker 1: nothing you want. It won't bother you. But my mother
Speaker 1: did that a lot because she had real bad allergies
Speaker 1: and it works, okay, you know what to help to
Speaker 1: relieve it. And you know the thing is like when
Speaker 1: little kids get sicknaated. We didn't do it with the
Speaker 1: full pot, but you know, with the drops and stuff.
Speaker 1: So you know, when little kids get sick, you know
Speaker 1: that that tussing ain't working, blessing tussing, but it you
Speaker 1: know sometimes like that, I mean that costs you learned
Speaker 1: early on kids. You gotta work a cold out of them.
Speaker 1: You know that kind of thing. So yeah, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: Peace out to all the practitioners and life coaches and
Speaker 1: people who are studying who find some value in the
Speaker 1: things that we've been talking about. That's kind of dope.
Speaker 1: I won't even lie. Its so dope. I was like,
Speaker 1: she's so much man, or what's your look at us?
Speaker 1: What was you look at us? Hey? Dr Javis Johnson.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, I know you got some busts and
Speaker 1: you want all the TV shows, but we're doing some
Speaker 1: stuff and learning thing. Sham nothing reiggling in my waist. Oh,
Speaker 1: I want to do this one thing and I forgive me, listen,
Speaker 1: forgive me. I'm sorry I did not do my proper
Speaker 1: homework with this, but I remember this from someone hit
Speaker 1: me on Instagram, and I want to shout them out
Speaker 1: so maybe they can leave us a message if they
Speaker 1: listened to this. Someone did shot me out and said,
Speaker 1: I actually thanked us for continuing to acknowledge transpolting and
Speaker 1: l g B t Q black community because a lot
Speaker 1: of times, you know, we all had a role in
Speaker 1: this group, and sometimes we can be superhero normative and
Speaker 1: really center our own personal experiences, hederal ancests, we go
Speaker 1: as we go. It's the greatest. I love it. So
Speaker 1: I just want to at least kind of say that
Speaker 1: that we did get some feedback for trying to kind
Speaker 1: of make sure that we are thinking about all our folks,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, and that when we talk
Speaker 1: about each other and our experiences, that we're sharing our
Speaker 1: personal experiences but not always centering our personal experiences. That
Speaker 1: we're letting everybody know that there's room in this room,
Speaker 1: at this table, in the circle, you know, at my house,
Speaker 1: in the bed, because everybody getting my damn bed because
Speaker 1: all black lives matter. I'm just joking everybody, and you're
Speaker 1: not and you're not, you're you're you're not joking and
Speaker 1: we're with you though. With that's that's that's, that's the
Speaker 1: part of it. We're here right here, or you're not,
Speaker 1: you're not by yourself and anything. Oh my god, it
Speaker 1: feels so good not to be alone and see I
Speaker 1: get it, guys. It feels so good to be brief
Speaker 1: and go all right, let me, how can I got
Speaker 1: one more? And we can, we can, we can start
Speaker 1: packing this up. And Hi, my name was Charles Gibbs
Speaker 1: and I'm Liah st Clair's brother. I was listening to
Speaker 1: your episode on Shame and I love it. I'm an
Speaker 1: avid follower of you and seeing me when you was
Speaker 1: here in d C with Chuck Brown. So but back
Speaker 1: to what I was saying, I like your episode on
Speaker 1: Shame and especially on g D Park because I'm one
Speaker 1: with a g D and like she said, great minds
Speaker 1: comes from people with g D two. So again, keep
Speaker 1: up the good work you and your team. Well, thank
Speaker 1: you very much. JR. Oh. I just I was like,
Speaker 1: do we have something that you need to tell us?
Speaker 1: Because I'm a whole only child, but I do have
Speaker 1: a lot of play brothers, and Junior is one of
Speaker 1: my play brothers that I kind of grew up. I
Speaker 1: kind of grew up around on the d C. He
Speaker 1: was my neighbor. Okay, okay, still he still comes over
Speaker 1: and has the time. He supports everything I do. But yeah,
Speaker 1: come on. Well he mentioned the g D episode and
Speaker 1: I did have a comment from somebody about that. It's
Speaker 1: a great episode. I love this conversation. Every week we
Speaker 1: share the same g D shame. And ironically, I am
Speaker 1: also in a circle of very educated peers and sister friends.
Speaker 1: I never feel afraid to speak, but I always carried
Speaker 1: out and wonder should I be here in this room
Speaker 1: with this opportunity. It's freeing to know I'm not the
Speaker 1: only one. And that was her. I g handle is
Speaker 1: O wise one? Come on girl, one with a Z nice.
Speaker 1: That was one. There was another one of those moments
Speaker 1: when when I was shut up, like you shut up,
Speaker 1: shut up, don't don't worry about me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I wish I was closer. I was
Speaker 1: throwing I was so I was. There's been so many
Speaker 1: instances when when listening to this podcast, and I just
Speaker 1: feel so proud of us, like for for like unzipping,
Speaker 1: you know, and unpacking. Like every time we have a conversation,
Speaker 1: it's like letting go of something. Sometimes it's a it's
Speaker 1: a small thing that you're like, okay, you know, cool,
Speaker 1: you know I could do something about that. And then
Speaker 1: sometimes it's just a big, heavy, major boulder that we've
Speaker 1: been carrying around for years. So I just really want
Speaker 1: to say thank you to my Heart Radio for giving
Speaker 1: us this opportunity to to communicate with each other. And
Speaker 1: as I can tell, you know that these conversations have
Speaker 1: been really beneficial for other people too, and that's the
Speaker 1: best part of it all, you know. So as we're
Speaker 1: healing and learning and growing as we go, oh um,
Speaker 1: you know, the people are learning and growing and healing
Speaker 1: along with us, and that feels wonderful. It really does.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to Jay dot Ilga podcast.
Speaker 1: It is our esteemed pleasure and privilege to share our
Speaker 1: hearts and minds with you. Thank you so much. Next time, Hi,
Speaker 1: if you have comments on something we said in this episode,
Speaker 1: call eight six six. Hey Jill, if you want to
Speaker 1: add to this conversation. That's eight six, six, three, nine, five,
Speaker 1: four five five. Don't forget to tell us your name
Speaker 1: and the episode you're referring to. You might just hear
Speaker 1: your message on a future episode. Thank you for listening
Speaker 1: to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Il the Podcast. This
Speaker 1: podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Layah st Clair, and
Speaker 1: Aga Graden Danceller. It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn
Speaker 1: g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by Layas st Clair.
Speaker 1: The editing and sound design for this episode we're done
Speaker 1: by Christina Larenger. Let me tell you something. That's how
Speaker 1: I sing in the shower. Just in case anybody had
Speaker 1: any questions like if you're asking if sink would singers
Speaker 1: sing in the shower? What? How did they be in there? Killing? No,
Speaker 1: it's terrible, terrible every time, and it feels it feels
Speaker 1: so good. It feels so good from love you baby,
Speaker 1: sound good though. J dot Ill is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
Speaker 1: visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows