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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: When you are constantly engaging in people pleasing you are

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Speaker 2: burned out, you will have low self worth, and oftentimes

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Speaker 2: you find yourself resenting other people, when truly the person

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Speaker 2: that you are really most resentful of is yourself for

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Speaker 2: not speaking up, listen, and not advocating for what you

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Speaker 2: want and need.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghearspace dot com to access are

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 2: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Broussard, a

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Speaker 2: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 3: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 3: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 3: five rooids to fake friends and create a safe space

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Speaker 3: where black women can just be.

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Speaker 2: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

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Speaker 2: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 2: of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so,

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Speaker 2: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brussard dot com.

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Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

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Speaker 2: U E b R O U S s ar D

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Speaker 2: dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I

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Speaker 2: look forward to hearing from you. Our quote of the day,

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Speaker 2: Being unapologetic means that I will be all of me.

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Speaker 2: I will no longer shrink or compromise myself by playing small,

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Speaker 2: so others will not feel insecure in my presence. By

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Speaker 2: Lisa Nichols. Now, Lady, that was a lot, and it

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Speaker 2: was powerful, So I'm gonna say it one more time

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Speaker 2: for the folks in the back. Being unapologetic means that

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Speaker 2: I will be all of me. I will no longer

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Speaker 2: shrink or compromise myself by playing small, so others will

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Speaker 2: not feel insecure in my presence.

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Speaker 3: Ooh, okay, okay, all right, that's one hell of a quote.

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Speaker 2: Yes it is, and I kind of feel like I.

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Speaker 3: Was gonna say, no, I don't know. I kind of

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Speaker 3: feel like the quote speaks for itself, like I relate

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Speaker 3: to it so deeply, but I don't even have I

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Speaker 3: feel like it's just it's plain and simple. Yeah, what

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Speaker 3: comes to mind when you hear this quote?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you're absolutely right that it speaks for

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Speaker 2: itself and speaks is so profoundly to our topic for today.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, all right, the harmful effects of being the

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Speaker 2: good girl. Yes, like when you're when you're the good girl,

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Speaker 2: you play small, all right, Now, you compromise for the

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Speaker 2: sake of keeping the peace. And I want to be clear,

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Speaker 2: compromising is different than compromising yourself, and oftentimes as the

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Speaker 2: good girl, you compromise yourself.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, all right, lady, we've about to dive in. This

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Speaker 3: is a we're about to have a deep conversation. Okay,

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Speaker 3: So let's just kind of frame up our conversation and

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Speaker 3: then we're going to jump into some questions that we

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Speaker 3: want to invite you to write down in your journal

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Speaker 3: or at least think about as you're living your life

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Speaker 3: so you can kind of join the conversation with us.

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Speaker 3: So today, as Dom stated, we are diving into a

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Speaker 3: mindset that holds back many women from being their true selves.

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Speaker 3: It's the good girl mentality, and this idea has roots

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Speaker 3: and societal expectations that often encourage women to be compliant, polite,

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Speaker 3: accommodating all the things that many of us have probably

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Speaker 3: heard when we're growing up. You should be seen and

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Speaker 3: not heard, you're too much quiet down, appeal to the

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Speaker 3: men in the family, whatever it might be, right, and

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Speaker 3: we do all this at the expense of our own

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Speaker 3: needs or Black women especially, The pressure can be intense,

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Speaker 3: right because we face additional cultural and societal expectations in

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Speaker 3: various spaces of life, whether it's work, family, at home,

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Speaker 3: all the spaces. Okay, So in this episode, we'll explore

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Speaker 3: how trying to fit into this mold can limit self growth, ambition,

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Speaker 3: and authenticity. So we're going to identify how expectations can

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Speaker 3: affect our lives, and we'll discuss practical ways to redefine

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Speaker 3: our own values and embrace authenticity and break free from

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Speaker 3: the mindset that holds us back. Because when we let

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Speaker 3: go of the need to be good for others, we

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Speaker 3: create space to live fully and unapologetically ourselves. So, lady,

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Speaker 3: let's jump into some of these questions to kind of

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Speaker 3: help guide our conversation. So the first question is I'm

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Speaker 3: going to say that all three and then we're going

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Speaker 3: to dive into the ones that resonate with us most, Domini.

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Speaker 3: The first question is when was the last time or

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Speaker 3: when was a time you said yes to something you

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Speaker 3: didn't want to do just to keep the peace? The

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Speaker 3: second question, have you ever felt as if you were

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Speaker 3: shrinking yourself to fit into a version of good that

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Speaker 3: doesn't feel like you? And finally, how much of your

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Speaker 3: identity is truly yours and how much of it has

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Speaker 3: been shaped by others expectations? Whooh, okay, so, dom which

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Speaker 3: one or three of these questions is resonating with you

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Speaker 3: most right now? Because I'd love to hear your answer.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's see, hmm ooh okay, So I was. I

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Speaker 2: have thoughts for a couple of them, a couple of

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Speaker 2: the questions, and but like, I have a couple of

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Speaker 2: thoughts for each of the questions, and so I'm trying

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Speaker 2: to what I'm wrestling with is which one do I

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Speaker 2: want to focus on? And so I so I'll go

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Speaker 2: with the first one. When was the last time you

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Speaker 2: said yes to something you didn't want to do, just

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Speaker 2: to keep the peace. So for me, when I hear

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Speaker 2: this question, there's a couple of things that come up.

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Speaker 3: There's the.

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Speaker 2: I'm saying yes to something I don't want to do

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Speaker 2: to keep the peace. But also, but more more importantly

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Speaker 2: than keeping the peace, it's because it's something the other

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Speaker 2: person truly wants to do, right. And So when I

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Speaker 2: think of that, when I think of that particular approach,

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Speaker 2: it's maybe you're in a group setting and everybody's trying

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Speaker 2: to decide on where we're going to eat, right, and

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Speaker 2: let's say that everybody says, or most of the people,

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Speaker 2: the consensus is Italian food, right. Italian food is not

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Speaker 2: really your thing. And but you know that one you

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Speaker 2: don't have another alternative in mind, and two that because

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Speaker 2: you don't have another alternative in mine, if you object,

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Speaker 2: it's gonna delay everybody getting to eat, and you're on

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Speaker 2: the verge of being angry already. Now I keep saying

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Speaker 2: you as if I haven't.

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Speaker 3: Done this, And so.

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Speaker 2: I think for me, that's one of the more benign

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Speaker 2: instances of saying yes to keep the peace.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: So in that moment I call, I say it's benign

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Speaker 2: because there's it's very low risk exactly, And so I

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Speaker 2: say yes, and I really don't want Italian. But if

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Speaker 2: I don't, again, I don't have I don't know what

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Speaker 2: else I want to eat, and it's gonna delay the process.

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Speaker 2: And I'm hungry. Everybody else is hungry. And so in

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Speaker 2: this instance, yeah, I'm gonna say yes, right, but I

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Speaker 2: keep doing that. Then all of those little benign instances

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Speaker 2: add up, and then what happens is your group starts

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Speaker 2: to stop. They're gonna stop asking you for your input

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Speaker 2: because they know you're gonna go along with it anyway.

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Speaker 2: You're gonna go along with whatever the group wants. You're

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Speaker 2: not offering your real input, so they're gonna start making

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Speaker 2: decisions for you.

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Speaker 3: Oh can we kind of like dig into that a

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Speaker 3: little bit, because, as you said that, it makes me

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Speaker 3: think about how it kind of reminds me. Okay, y'all

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Speaker 3: know when you watch one of those movies and it

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Speaker 3: has this visual image of a person and they're doing

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Speaker 3: something in action, and then it kind of pauses and

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Speaker 3: they're like, this is me. I'm sure you're wondering how

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Speaker 3: I got here? Right, It reminds me of that part

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Speaker 3: in the movie where we have this compound and effect,

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Speaker 3: this build up of something that's happened to our life,

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Speaker 3: and we're like, wait, like why are people always taking

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Speaker 3: advantage of me? Or why is this always happening? And

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Speaker 3: I think, like you said, those little those little moments

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Speaker 3: that feel benign, we's like, oh, it's okay, I won't

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Speaker 3: speak up this time. This makes me think about sex too,

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Speaker 3: Like if you're in a relationship and maybe your partner

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Speaker 3: is not pleasing you or they're not bringing you to orgasm,

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Speaker 3: and so you never speak up and then you look

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Speaker 3: up one day and you're like, I haven't been pleased

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Speaker 3: in X amount of time. So it makes me think

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Speaker 3: about those situations down where like we are actually participating

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Speaker 3: in this this I don't know, behavioral lesson teaching other

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Speaker 3: people how to treat us. And so it's a one

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Speaker 3: off thing because I'm down for compromise too, Like I'm

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Speaker 3: usually down to compromise with my friends, like hey, let's

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Speaker 3: go to this place, but if I really want to

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Speaker 3: go somewhere, I will make it be known because it's

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Speaker 3: important for us to advocate for ourselves. So it makes

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Speaker 3: me think about that type of situation. I have more

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Speaker 3: about the other questions too, But what do you think

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Speaker 3: about anything else come up for you? As I shared

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Speaker 3: what I just shared.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, so okay, So then I love that connection

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Speaker 2: to like that visualization of like being in a movie, right,

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Speaker 2: and how that happens. But I'm curious for you. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what are times when you've said yes to kind.

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Speaker 3: Of keep the beasts? Girl? So many times I think

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Speaker 3: back as soon as you asked it or we talked

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Speaker 3: about the question, I thought back to when I was younger.

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Speaker 3: And you know, this doesn't happen to me because I'm

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Speaker 3: a little older now, but when I was younger, and

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Speaker 3: it was in Philly too, so I was in a

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Speaker 3: predominantly black environment. I'm not now, But God would ask

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Speaker 3: for my number, right, you know, back in the day

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Speaker 3: when you had your chirp. I used to have my

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Speaker 3: little next tail. I'm age myself and it's all good.

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Speaker 3: My next tail, my church, the next tale, okay, church chirp,

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Speaker 3: and guys would ask my number and I wouldn't want

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Speaker 3: to say yes, but I would say yes. And a

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Speaker 3: lot of times that was to keep the peace, and

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Speaker 3: it was to be safe, right, or if there was

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Speaker 3: a situation at work where I would over extend myself

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Speaker 3: and go above and beyond and do more than I

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Speaker 3: was supposed to and more than I should have been doing.

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Speaker 3: And I remember a manager one time was like, Oh,

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Speaker 3: you're the nicest person ever or something, and I was like,

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Speaker 3: I understand that was supposed to be a compliment, but

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Speaker 3: I don't want to be the nicest person ever. I

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Speaker 3: don't want you. I want to have boundaries and I

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Speaker 3: want people to see that, Oh I can't fuck around

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Speaker 3: with her, you know what I mean? Like that's yes, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: so I didn't. I didn't like that. So I do

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Speaker 3: think of several instances in life where I have said

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Speaker 3: yes to things that I did not really want to

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Speaker 3: do just to keep the peace. And so lately, as

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Speaker 3: I'm in this new phase of life, I am checking

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Speaker 3: me in with myself to see how does my body

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Speaker 3: feel when I answered this question? Is it a full

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Speaker 3: body yes or a full body knowe? And whatever I decide.

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Speaker 3: This is where I'm in my journey. But I want

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Speaker 3: to be aware of when am I saying yes to

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Speaker 3: things when I don't want to do it right, because

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Speaker 3: that's important to be aware of. So that's what I

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Speaker 3: would say for that question. Now when it comes to

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Speaker 3: number two, have you ever felt like you were shrinking

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Speaker 3: yourself to fit into a version of good or something

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Speaker 3: else that just doesn't feel like you? Yeah? Yeah, yeah?

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Speaker 3: Can you tell me what is that? Because I have

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Speaker 3: a ton that I can think of. What does that

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Speaker 3: look like in action for you? Like when you think

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Speaker 3: about in real life you're walking into a scenario and

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Speaker 3: you're playing small, how does that actually manifest into reality?

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Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want to

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Speaker 3: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

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Speaker 3: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

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Speaker 3: want to give you a chance to learn more about

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Speaker 3: what's important to us. So tell us what you think

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Speaker 3: about this.

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Speaker 4: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 4: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 4: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 4: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 4: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 4: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now, I

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Speaker 4: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

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Speaker 4: exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel and Throughout your

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Speaker 4: day and week, you are conversing with us about what's

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Speaker 4: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and or

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Speaker 4: personal wins.

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Speaker 3: How does that sound? Hopefully this is of your alley, lady,

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Speaker 3: because we are taking things to the next level of

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Speaker 3: this year, and we're doubling down on investing in our community.

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Speaker 3: That means you. We want to meet you, connect with you,

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Speaker 3: and create communities of genuine women who love on black

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Speaker 3: women and push our culture and movement forward. We launched

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Speaker 3: this podcast in twenty nineteen, and to date, we have

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Speaker 3: not missed a week. We've been great stewards of our platform,

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Speaker 3: all while working full time and navigating our own ups

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Speaker 3: and downs. We release fresh new content every single Friday

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Speaker 3: like clockwork, and we have hundreds of valuable episodes and

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Speaker 3: workshops that can really help you up level your life.

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Speaker 3: So if you love our mission or you've gotten value

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Speaker 3: from us, we invite you to give back and help

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Speaker 3: us push this community effort forward. Visit herspace podcast dot

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Speaker 3: com and click Patreon. You can learn more about our

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Speaker 3: goals and exclusive offerings on Patreon, and we highly highly

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Speaker 3: encourage you to join the Sister Frontier so that you

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Speaker 3: can get someone on one time with us. We also

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Speaker 3: have an option for you to donate on a one

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Speaker 3: dot com, and you can click that link that says Patreon.

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Speaker 3: All right, lady, we'll hop right back into the conversation.

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Speaker 2: I am sure that plenty of black women can relate

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Speaker 2: to this in the professional setting, in the workplace, walking

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Speaker 2: into a situation where like, so you're sitting in a meeting, right,

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Speaker 2: and they're generating ideas, they're having a discussion about a

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Speaker 2: particular topic, and as you're listening, you're like, this don't

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Speaker 2: make no damn sense. They need to be doing if

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Speaker 2: they this is we're trying to problem solve, but the

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Speaker 2: way they're going about it just makes no damn sense.

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Speaker 2: And so, but you know that if you speak up, one,

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Speaker 2: maybe you don't feel comfortable speaking up because you don't

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Speaker 2: feel like you have any power in that moment, right,

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Speaker 2: or you know that if you speak up and offer

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Speaker 2: a solution, now the problem is on your to do

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Speaker 2: list and you don't have the capacity to add it

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Speaker 2: to your plate, or they're not soliciting anybody's input anyway, Well,

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Speaker 2: let me not say they're not soliciting anybody's input. They

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Speaker 2: are soliciting input, but the implication is that they're not

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Speaker 2: necessarily wanting your input. This is just an exercise to

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Speaker 2: say that they did it right. And so you keep

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Speaker 2: quiet and you watch them flounder through solving this problem,

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Speaker 2: and you know, maybe you say in passing to someone

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Speaker 2: what the solution could be. They take it, they run

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Speaker 2: with it, and it actually ends up being.

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Speaker 3: Right, and you don't get no credit, and you don't get.

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Speaker 5: No credit for it, and now you're like, wait, hold on, Yeah,

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Speaker 5: had I spoken up, I could have gotten credit for it, right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I know.

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Speaker 2: There were points in my career where I did that,

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Speaker 2: and I know that there are lots of other black

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Speaker 2: women who experience the same thing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good one, Tom, That's a really good

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Speaker 3: and I think that many women do that. In the

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Speaker 3: work environment and relationships, especially if you are more successful

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Speaker 3: than your partner, there are ways that we like, you know,

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Speaker 3: coddle a peace and do things like that to make

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Speaker 3: our comfortable, our partners comfortable if they're insecure, right with

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Speaker 3: your salary or what you're doing in the world, whatever

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Speaker 3: it might be. But I think the one that comes

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Speaker 3: up for me is just overall how I show up

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Speaker 3: in the world. And I say that because I have

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Speaker 3: since I was younger, I've had a very i would say,

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Speaker 3: pretty incredible work ethic and just a certain energy about me.

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Speaker 3: There were certain compliments and things that people have said

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Speaker 3: since I was younger. And even though I struggle low

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Speaker 3: self esteem and depression and things like that because of

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Speaker 3: the tough upbringing I had, there was always something deep

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Speaker 3: within me that was like, you are meant like, you're

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Speaker 3: here for a reason, You're special. There's something about you, right,

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Speaker 3: And I tried to run from that for a long

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Speaker 3: time and tried to like show up with only like,

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Speaker 3: you know, sixty percent, because I did not want to

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Speaker 3: be disliked. I did not want people to be jealous

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Speaker 3: of me. I didn't I wanted to be able to have,

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Speaker 3: you know, a lot of women friends and not have

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Speaker 3: people be envious. But what I've learned is that we

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Speaker 3: can't control other people. So people are gonna they're going

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Speaker 3: to show up and see you how they see the world, right,

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Speaker 3: because we see things how we are, not how they

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Speaker 3: really are. Right. And then the other thing is our

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Speaker 3: playing small does not serve anyone except for insecure people,

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Speaker 3: like some people want us to play small because they

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Speaker 3: don't want us to leave them or be better than

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Speaker 3: them or whatever it might be. But that's none of

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Speaker 3: our business, okay, and so exactly, so yeah, I would

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Speaker 3: say that's what I've learned. And then as far as

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Speaker 3: the last question, lady, maybe this is something that you

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Speaker 3: can unless you have something to share down, maybe this

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Speaker 3: last question could be something you journal about as we

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Speaker 3: dive deeper into the conversation. That last question was how

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Speaker 3: much of your identity is truly yours and how much

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Speaker 3: of it has been shaped by others expectations? Girl?

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Speaker 2: You know what I would briefly say, yes, as the

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Speaker 2: eldest child, there are lots of things growing up that,

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Speaker 2: lots of ways in which I existed to suit other

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Speaker 2: people's expectations, right, And as I got older, what I

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Speaker 2: realized was that some of what I how I engaged

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Speaker 2: was based on what I thought other people were expecting

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Speaker 2: of me. So I'm gonna say that again because I'm

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Speaker 2: sure somebody else can relate as you are reflecting. As

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Speaker 2: I got older, there were certain ways in which.

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Speaker 3: I showed up.

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Speaker 2: That was based on what I thought other people expected

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Speaker 2: of me, not necessarily what they truly expected of me,

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Speaker 2: and so I had to spend some time learning the

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Speaker 2: difference and then factoring in that their expectations really don't

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Speaker 2: matter anyway.

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Speaker 3: That part that's see, lady, as you're listening right, you

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Speaker 3: are speak I'm gonna say you're speaking to right because

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Speaker 3: we having a conversation. We know you'd be responding to

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Speaker 3: your head or out loud or whatever. You've listened to us.

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Speaker 3: You are talking to two women of a particular age.

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Speaker 3: We didn't live some life. It has some wisdom, and

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Speaker 3: I love what I love about being in my thirties,

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Speaker 3: my mid thirties now, I thought it's a new milestone.

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Speaker 3: I just I'm about to when's this episode, Aaron, I'll

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Speaker 3: be thirty. Yeah, by the time this episode airs, I

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Speaker 3: would just have just had a birthday and we'll be

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Speaker 3: celebrating thirty five years of life on this earth. And

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Speaker 3: I think a lot of church girls especially are going

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Speaker 3: to resonate with this episode because as a woman who

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Speaker 3: was raised in church, I mean, my grandfather used to

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Speaker 3: say I was born on the pool pit. I was

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Speaker 3: like the quintessential church girl. I still know all the

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Speaker 3: books of the Bible, Old and New Testament. Because I

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Speaker 3: was in vacation Bible school every summer, I was going

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Speaker 3: to church every Sunday, Bible study. Grandfather's a bishop, grandma's

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Speaker 3: a pastor, like it was I was in. I was

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Speaker 3: a church church girl, okay. And because of that down

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Speaker 3: there were so many things that I so many values

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Speaker 3: and things that I adopted that weren't really mine, but

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Speaker 3: I just kind of put them on because other people

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Speaker 3: said that this is who I should be, and because

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Speaker 3: I was also the eldest and my siblings looked up

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Speaker 3: to me. I always wanted to present this clean image

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Speaker 3: and be on the straight and narrow. But then I

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Speaker 3: realized that there are certain things that I want to

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Speaker 3: do for myself, topics I want to talk about, aspects

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Speaker 3: of myself. Are there sensuality, sexuality, whatever it might be

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Speaker 3: that I want to explore that I just felt like

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Speaker 3: I could not explore and I did not feel truly

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Speaker 3: fulfilled and in alignment with who I was as a

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Speaker 3: human because I was doing things for everyone else. And

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Speaker 3: so now at the time we're recording, by the time

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Speaker 3: you listen to this episode, I have shared on social

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Speaker 3: media that I am single, dating and in a new

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Speaker 3: phase of life after being in a relationship for twelve

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Speaker 3: plus years, having a toddler, being married for almost a decade,

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Speaker 3: and that's a huge shift. And I feel like because

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Speaker 3: I've made that announcement, it has given me a new

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Speaker 3: fire underneath me to be the full woman that I

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Speaker 3: feel that I am called to be, right exploring all

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Speaker 3: the things I want to explore, and really digging into

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Speaker 3: the blatchet, the bougie, classy ratchet, and the multifaceted woman.

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Speaker 3: And so when I hear this question, it makes me

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Speaker 3: think of about a slew of expectations and values that

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Speaker 3: were tied to my identity based on other people's expectations.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, oh, all right? And I think that that's

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Speaker 2: part of the as you, lady, as you answer those

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Speaker 2: three questions, I think that that realization will start to

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Speaker 2: come up, like what truly are the effects of letting

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Speaker 2: your identity be shaped by others? Right? And and even

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Speaker 2: though this episode specifically talks about what it means to

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Speaker 2: be the good girl, I also want to point out

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Speaker 2: that you can ask those questions of yourself based on

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Speaker 2: no matter what the identity is that people are placing

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Speaker 2: on you.

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Speaker 3: M hm and so.

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Speaker 2: Speaking specifically about being the good girl, though, right, Terry,

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Speaker 2: as you mentioned earlier, the good girl, this idea is

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Speaker 2: that this good girl is compliant, self sacrificing, polite, She

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Speaker 2: follows all the rules, does everything by the book. It's

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Speaker 2: also oftentimes synonymous with being kind or being nice, being nice,

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Speaker 2: almost being virginal, very very conservative, very very demure, and

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Speaker 2: not in the and not in the not in the

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Speaker 2: in a good way. Right so, particularly for black women,

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Speaker 2: right this idea of being the good girl oftentimes is

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Speaker 2: meant to try and separate you from everyone else and

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Speaker 2: make it feel make it seem as though that makes

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Speaker 2: you better than those around you if you uphold to

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Speaker 2: the good girl's standards, and that by upholding those standards,

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Speaker 2: by being the quote unquote good girl, life will be

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Speaker 2: quote unquote better for you. When the reality is that

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Speaker 2: it's the opposite. Your life will feel confined, constrained, restricted,

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Speaker 2: You may feel you may end up being anxious, depressed

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Speaker 2: because you are living a life that does not feel

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Speaker 2: fitting for you. Now, I do want to state that

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Speaker 2: there are some women who fully embrace and embody being

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Speaker 2: the good girl. And if that is you, lady, we

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Speaker 2: are not speaking to you. We are speaking to the

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Speaker 2: women who have spent their lives giving into and following

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Speaker 2: the expectations of other people, when deep down in their

433
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 2: body they knew it was not who they wanted to be,

434
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:53,159
Speaker 2: and they spend countless hours fighting.

435
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:57,560
Speaker 3: It that part. Thank you for making that distinction down.

436
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 3: I think that's important because everyone's going to you know,

437
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,680
Speaker 3: different peop will resonate with different aspects, and some people

438
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 3: are happy being the good girl. That is the mindset

439
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,879
Speaker 3: and persona they accept, and I don't want to. I

440
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 3: think at some point maybe we can dive into good

441
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 3: versus bad because honestly, I think it's just all what

442
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,720
Speaker 3: it is like. There is no real good and bad, right,

443
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:18,359
Speaker 3: It's just it is. We need everything for things to

444
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:19,239
Speaker 3: be balanced, you know.

445
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 2: Yeah that yeah, yes, but I think having that that

446
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:30,600
Speaker 2: definition of the good girl, yeah, because that's the term

447
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 2: that everybody that we colloquially use.

448
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:34,119
Speaker 3: Yep.

449
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 2: It doesn't necessarily mean to your point, it doesn't mean

450
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 2: that we are saying that that makes you a good

451
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 2: or bad person. Yes, but the term that people use

452
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:51,080
Speaker 2: to describe this type of woman is good.

453
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,720
Speaker 3: Girl, the good girl. Yeah, And you realize the ones

454
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,760
Speaker 3: who are free who are living liberated lives are usually

455
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 3: the bad girls. That's really interesting. I think it ties

456
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 3: back to patriarchy. I mean, I don't know, yes it

457
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,760
Speaker 3: does something, Yes it does, assumption right like hello.

458
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,560
Speaker 2: Yes it definitely does. It definitely does. And so that

459
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 2: brings us to our quote. And lady, you are probably

460
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 2: familiar with this quote from Shimamanda Ungozi Adja from her

461
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 2: book We should all be feminists. We teach girls to

462
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 2: shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls,

463
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:38,640
Speaker 2: you can have ambition, but not too much. You should

464
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 2: aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you

465
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 2: would threaten the man. Because I am female, I'm expected

466
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 2: to aspire to marriage. I'm expected to make my life

467
00:29:53,640 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 2: choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now.

468
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,000
Speaker 2: Marriage can be a source of joy and love and

469
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:08,160
Speaker 2: mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire

470
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:12,719
Speaker 2: to marriage and we don't teach boys the same. We

471
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 2: raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for

472
00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 2: jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing,

473
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 2: but for the attention of men. We teach girls that

474
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:32,560
Speaker 2: they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys.

475
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 3: Are Okay, before we jump into the harmful effects of

476
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 3: the good girl mindset, we have let's see five different

477
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 3: harmful effects, lady, that we're going to dig into. When

478
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 3: you just read that quote, Dom, it made me think

479
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,880
Speaker 3: about something else that I am unlearning and working on,

480
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 3: and that is performing for the motherfucking malgaze girls. Listen.

481
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 3: When I think back to my childhood, Dom, I vividly

482
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,480
Speaker 3: remember I had to be between the end. I know

483
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 3: this may sound wild, y'all, but I have memories from

484
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:07,680
Speaker 3: when I was a childler Like, I vividly remember certain instances,

485
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,920
Speaker 3: and I remember I was between the ages of like

486
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 3: three and five. Because I was around my daughter's like

487
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 3: her size, I kind of looked like that, and I

488
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:19,040
Speaker 3: remember getting the messaging okay, So I used to always

489
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 3: love to wear like lift gloss and chapstick, right, that

490
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:24,480
Speaker 3: was my thing. My mom was a like feminine girly girl,

491
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,480
Speaker 3: and I just became that way too, So I was

492
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 3: always into wearing that. But I remember being interested in

493
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:33,640
Speaker 3: my looks, like looking good. And I remember at a

494
00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,760
Speaker 3: very young age, it was communicated to me that bodies

495
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 3: were the thing, like you had to have a certain

496
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,600
Speaker 3: type of body. At that young age, I was aware

497
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:45,280
Speaker 3: of that, and I remember I was so obsessed with

498
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,760
Speaker 3: looking good for boys like I wanted it, And it

499
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 3: didn't show up that way outwardly as much. It was

500
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,680
Speaker 3: more of an internal thing of like me knowing that

501
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,880
Speaker 3: I would act different or perform different or dress different

502
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,480
Speaker 3: because of me trying to satisfy the male gaze. So

503
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 3: that is a whole Another episode will have the dig

504
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:04,520
Speaker 3: into is that something that you also experienced, because I

505
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 3: see that in womanhood womanhood as well, I'm breaking that shit.

506
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 2: Yes, you know, I think about growing up and playing

507
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 2: dress up in my mom's clothes, right, and it was

508
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 2: the thing that what it meant to be a woman

509
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 2: meant like you were wearing high heels, and like when

510
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 2: we would play dress up, like I would go and

511
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 2: I would grab my mom's bra I remember this, like

512
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 2: grab her bra and like stuff it like I would

513
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:40,640
Speaker 2: get I would get socks or whatever. Because clearly at

514
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:44,000
Speaker 2: eight years old, like I can't, I'm my body was

515
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,040
Speaker 2: not was not the body that I have in my forties,

516
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:54,200
Speaker 2: and so I had I would take her brin and

517
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,040
Speaker 2: I would stuff it right. And the whole thing was

518
00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 2: was to make sure that you looked quote unquote sex right.

519
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 2: And so even at that young age, even when playing

520
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 2: with Barbie dolls, it was the Barbie dolls were shaped

521
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 2: a certain way, right. And I remember as a kid,

522
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,160
Speaker 2: I also used to I used to love to write stories.

523
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 2: And when I look back, I still have some of

524
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 2: those books where I like, would write short stories and

525
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 2: I would create I would design outfits for the characters

526
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:32,719
Speaker 2: in my in my stories, and when I look at

527
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:37,520
Speaker 2: the fits that I was designing, like, I was designing

528
00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 2: outfits mostly for the women characters, and it was meant

529
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 2: to look sexy or my idea of sexy as a preteen, right.

530
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 2: And but I also knew that that quote unquote sexy

531
00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 2: woman was not necessarily the woman who was married and

532
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 2: having kids, right, That the woman who was married and

533
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:11,160
Speaker 2: having kids was a bit more conservative in how she

534
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:16,319
Speaker 2: dressed and how she appeared and how she behaved. And

535
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 2: so there was almost something like I knew that there

536
00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 2: was something bad or that people didn't necessarily like the

537
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 2: sexy woman, right. But there was a piece of me

538
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:35,560
Speaker 2: that was like, no, this is like, no, that's who

539
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:36,279
Speaker 2: I want to be.

540
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 3: Okay, it's right, but.

541
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 2: I wouldn't I never I didn't share that out loud

542
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:51,240
Speaker 2: because the messaging was clear that that type of woman,

543
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:59,440
Speaker 2: the liberated free woman, yeah, who had a great job,

544
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 2: wh us the way she wanted to dress was not

545
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,880
Speaker 2: acceptable in mainstream society.

546
00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:13,879
Speaker 3: That's right. Ooh, girl, you are bringing back so many

547
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,720
Speaker 3: memories you are for your preaching. I love it, Lady.

548
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 3: We hope you can relate to the content so far

549
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 3: as you're listening, if you would, also, don't forget to

550
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,440
Speaker 3: head on over to our website. Okay, her Space podcast

551
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:28,400
Speaker 3: dot com. Lady, support this black owned, black founded, and

552
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:31,480
Speaker 3: black funded podcast. Okay, we are the owners and founders

553
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:33,680
Speaker 3: of this podcast. We'd love for you to go support

554
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:36,120
Speaker 3: our Patreon so that we can continue to make great

555
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 3: content like this, especially if you want to listen to

556
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,759
Speaker 3: an ad free experience. And we have other perks well,

557
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,239
Speaker 3: so go check out our Patreon. You can go to

558
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,240
Speaker 3: our website, Herspace podcast dot com, click on that link

559
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:50,360
Speaker 3: and join the Patreon sister friend tier. So, lady, let's

560
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:53,440
Speaker 3: dive into these harmful effects of the good girl mindset.

561
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 3: Number one is suppressing authenticity. We kind of talked about

562
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:01,279
Speaker 3: this earlier, but trying to fit into the good girl mold.

563
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 3: It can lead to a suppression of one's true self,

564
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 3: affecting your personality, your choices, and overall happiness. And when

565
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 3: I think back to I don't know dom, I think

566
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,640
Speaker 3: age and wisdom is just such a like wisdom especially,

567
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,319
Speaker 3: it's just such a blessing because I remember when I

568
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:21,440
Speaker 3: was younger, I really thought that other people, like I

569
00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:24,560
Speaker 3: thought people outside of me had the answers for me,

570
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,600
Speaker 3: Like I really was looking outside of myself for answers

571
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 3: and validation and all this shit I don't been through,

572
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 3: and all these experiences have brought me back to myself.

573
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 3: That's literally where everything started, and this is where it

574
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,000
Speaker 3: brought me back to. It's like you were looking outside

575
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:41,440
Speaker 3: of yourself all these things, but you really have the

576
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,239
Speaker 3: answers within. So when you get still with yourself, lady,

577
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 3: and you think to yourself, who would I be if

578
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:51,760
Speaker 3: X y Z didn't have any comments or negativity about

579
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:53,520
Speaker 3: where I'm trying to go? Like who would I really

580
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:56,279
Speaker 3: be if no one else's opinion mattered? And when you

581
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:58,480
Speaker 3: think about who that person is, I know, for me,

582
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:03,160
Speaker 3: it's definitely a Babbage. Okay, it's definitely like an intelligent

583
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,040
Speaker 3: but also like the blatshet woman who's definitely sexy, who's

584
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:09,399
Speaker 3: definitely gonna shake this ass? And I want to who's

585
00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:13,400
Speaker 3: definitely gonna offer some value. Like it's multifaceted, right, So

586
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 3: it's like, yeah, the professional but also the sexiness that

587
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 3: is important to me, and that is the essence of

588
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:20,480
Speaker 3: who I am when no one's watching. So I think

589
00:37:20,520 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 3: that if we can get clear on who do you

590
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 3: feel called to be when no one else is around,

591
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 3: and you may not go full throttle and become that

592
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 3: person today, but at least be aware of it so

593
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,720
Speaker 3: that you can make changes over time to get closer

594
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,600
Speaker 3: to that. Because when you are living in alignment and

595
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:41,399
Speaker 3: that authenticity, you're just exuding that authentic confidence and that authenticity,

596
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:46,759
Speaker 3: the happiness is unreal, like nothing can do, nothing compares, right,

597
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:49,520
Speaker 3: When do you think about this Now I'm suppressing authenticity?

598
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:53,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it does lead to like I mentioned before,

599
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 2: like it leads to anxiety depression because you're not living

600
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 2: in your truth. Right. And as you were talking, the

601
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 2: thing that keeps coming up for me is recognizing the

602
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:11,800
Speaker 2: difference also between being authentic and time and place right

603
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:14,680
Speaker 2: because as you were thinking, as you were talking and

604
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:16,799
Speaker 2: now was like I was thinking about. Yeah, I am

605
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:22,200
Speaker 2: quite blatche, yes, And I've had to figure out for

606
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:26,319
Speaker 2: myself the time and place for these things. Right. So

607
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:31,200
Speaker 2: I'm not working in my grandmother's house. That's not what

608
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:31,719
Speaker 2: we're doing.

609
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:32,480
Speaker 3: That's not.

610
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:39,440
Speaker 2: Does my grandmother know that I go out to the

611
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:43,880
Speaker 2: club and that I dance and that what. Yeah, doesn't

612
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 2: have to see it, but she knows it happens, right,

613
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:53,600
Speaker 2: And so for me, it's about time and place in

614
00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:58,560
Speaker 2: being my authentic self, right, I'm not there are pieces

615
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:04,320
Speaker 2: of me that that are going to shine through across

616
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:08,920
Speaker 2: all settings. Yeah, and that's for me, that's when I

617
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:10,480
Speaker 2: know I'm being authentic.

618
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,160
Speaker 3: I love that you said that, don because I just

619
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,200
Speaker 3: want to add one other thing, Lady. When I think

620
00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:17,520
Speaker 3: about my work environment, for instance, right, a lot of

621
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,799
Speaker 3: work environments say, oh, bring your authentic self, bring your

622
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 3: whole self. I personally don't do that because it's just

623
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 3: not appropriate to me. I don't want to show up

624
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,799
Speaker 3: and work. I just don't want, especially being the only

625
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,480
Speaker 3: black woman in many of the spaces. I don't want

626
00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:31,400
Speaker 3: certain people treating me a certain way or responding to

627
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 3: me a certain way. I like to have boundaries for

628
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:34,880
Speaker 3: that so I love that you said that, And lady,

629
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,719
Speaker 3: this is all about what works for you and your life.

630
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,080
Speaker 3: Because my grandmother, she was a wild woman. She would

631
00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:43,640
Speaker 3: have definitely been like, let's go to the tork class together,

632
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 3: let's talk like she would have been something like that.

633
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:47,400
Speaker 3: So if you know that your family's a little different,

634
00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 3: or you just have certain boundaries around certain things you're

635
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,279
Speaker 3: comfortable with, you get to decide, Lady, you get to

636
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:55,240
Speaker 3: be a choice on what works for you in your journey.

637
00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:56,879
Speaker 3: So I love the downpointed that out.

638
00:39:58,320 --> 00:40:01,760
Speaker 2: And so then that takes us to our second harmful effect,

639
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 2: the perpetual people pleasing. Say that three times facts, the

640
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:15,120
Speaker 2: perpetual people pleasing means that you are constantly in that

641
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:22,359
Speaker 2: space of doing what other people want right, You're constantly

642
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 2: in that space of compromising yourself to make sure that

643
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:28,839
Speaker 2: other people are happy. It may also mean that you

644
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:33,399
Speaker 2: are a martyr. Now that's a whole other topic. We'll

645
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,120
Speaker 2: have to do a whole other episode on what it

646
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:37,040
Speaker 2: looks like to be a martyr and what's the difference

647
00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:40,719
Speaker 2: between being a martyr and people pleasing and where they overlap.

648
00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:44,239
Speaker 2: But what I will say is that when you are

649
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:50,799
Speaker 2: constantly engaging in people pleasing you are burned out, you

650
00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:57,319
Speaker 2: will have low self worth, and oftentimes you find yourself

651
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:05,399
Speaker 2: resenting other people when truly the person that you are

652
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,920
Speaker 2: really most reasonful of is yourself for not speaking.

653
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:12,360
Speaker 3: Up, listen, and.

654
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 2: Not advocating for what you want and need.

655
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:19,480
Speaker 3: Oh, Mike dropped dom. That is so true, girl, That

656
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:22,399
Speaker 3: resentment where it's like you're directing it at the people

657
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,359
Speaker 3: who are taking advantage, but it's like they're only doing

658
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:27,840
Speaker 3: that bow because you've set the standard. And one of

659
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 3: the quick examples I have is when I was younger,

660
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,920
Speaker 3: So lady, if you listen to the podcast, I talk

661
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,440
Speaker 3: about this before, but like, I grew up in a

662
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:37,160
Speaker 3: very abusive household. My mom wasn't out of jail. When

663
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 3: I was eighteen years old. It was the first time

664
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 3: that I said no to my mom. And the scenario

665
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:43,839
Speaker 3: was she was in prison at the time and wanted

666
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:45,759
Speaker 3: me to drive I was in college. She wanted me

667
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 3: to drive up, bring my siblings, call this person, send

668
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 3: some money here, do a JPay, like all these things,

669
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,440
Speaker 3: and I finally I was like, br this is It

670
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 3: felt unreasonable to me and a lot of the things

671
00:41:56,719 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 3: that she had requested before, they were inappropriate, they were

672
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 3: under reasonable. But I said yes because I wanted to

673
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,560
Speaker 3: be the good daughter. I wanted to be the good girl.

674
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:07,160
Speaker 3: But when you're working with someone who isn't in that

675
00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 3: mind they're not in a mindset to be able to

676
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,680
Speaker 3: support your full self, it can put you in a

677
00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:14,760
Speaker 3: bad situation. So I said no, and all help broke loose.

678
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,279
Speaker 3: And so, lady, what I did, of course right, because

679
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,840
Speaker 3: you're not You're no longer appeasing, You're no longer pleasing

680
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:22,279
Speaker 3: to people. And so that's that's another good test, lady,

681
00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:24,880
Speaker 3: to see who really fuck with you? Say Start saying no,

682
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:28,680
Speaker 3: and you'll start start start saying start setting boundaries. Okay,

683
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,799
Speaker 3: you'll start saying who's really for you? Because sometimes I

684
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:33,799
Speaker 3: had to work on myself with that too, when people

685
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:36,480
Speaker 3: said no to me, I had to Okay, I really

686
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:37,799
Speaker 3: want them to do this thing, but I'm not going

687
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:39,960
Speaker 3: to manipulate. I'm not going to do I got to

688
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,600
Speaker 3: respect the boundary. So start saying no and you'll see

689
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:45,279
Speaker 3: what people how they really feel about you. But also

690
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 3: ask yourself, why am I doing this thing? Does this

691
00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:50,719
Speaker 3: align with what I got going on? Because I had

692
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 3: to ask myself that when she wanted me to come

693
00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 3: up to the prison, I'm like, I have papers, do

694
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:57,000
Speaker 3: I have assignments? You really don't want to do this?

695
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 3: Why am I doing it? And so when you say no,

696
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 3: it shows you a lot. So be prepared for what's

697
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:05,480
Speaker 3: to come when you start saying no, and put support

698
00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 3: systems in place if you can, that will support you

699
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,080
Speaker 3: in that new journey as you embark on the true you.

700
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:15,360
Speaker 3: That takes us number three, which is stifling ambition and

701
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 3: self expression, which is in line with what we've been

702
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:23,239
Speaker 3: sharing earlier, and aiming to please people and conforming. It

703
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 3: can keep women from advocating for ourselves in our careers,

704
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,920
Speaker 3: in our personal lives. And so I think about just

705
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:32,239
Speaker 3: the ways in which you know, I've seen a lot

706
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:34,680
Speaker 3: of women in relationships to this, and I'm thinking, like,

707
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:38,719
Speaker 3: in my experience, i've seen heterosexual relationships right where the

708
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:42,160
Speaker 3: woman I'll use my grandmother for example, she had so

709
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 3: many dreams and goals that she wanted to achieve. But

710
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:47,840
Speaker 3: because I don't know if she felt obligated, I'm assuming

711
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,440
Speaker 3: she did, but she was taking care of kids that

712
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:52,840
Speaker 3: weren't hers, right because her kids were in prison or

713
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:54,440
Speaker 3: they were in trouble or whatever it might have been.

714
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:57,120
Speaker 3: She's taking care of other people's kids. She had dreams

715
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:59,200
Speaker 3: and goals that she wanted to accomplish but never could

716
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 3: have because she was putting other people before herself. And

717
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,439
Speaker 3: that's one way that it manifests, right, like we don't

718
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:08,520
Speaker 3: have boundaries, We do what we think we need to do,

719
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 3: and then we end up not showing up for ourselves

720
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 3: in the most powerful way. And this is not to

721
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 3: downplay or you know, speak negatively on where we are

722
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:21,399
Speaker 3: where we are in our journeys, but it's just it's

723
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,960
Speaker 3: what I've witnessed and what it's what happens, right. I'm

724
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,360
Speaker 3: sure you've witnessed the same down where we don't have

725
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:28,720
Speaker 3: the tools or resources. My grandmother didn't have the support,

726
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,520
Speaker 3: the tools or resources to live for most empowered life,

727
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:34,399
Speaker 3: so she did the best she could with what she had, right.

728
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:36,560
Speaker 3: But it is something I witnessed, and I learned from

729
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:38,640
Speaker 3: that and took a into note that you know what,

730
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,080
Speaker 3: I'm going to always make sure I pour into myself

731
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:45,080
Speaker 3: and I fill my cup because I see how devastating

732
00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,359
Speaker 3: it can be to be at the end of your

733
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:50,279
Speaker 3: life and looking up like them. I never had a

734
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:52,840
Speaker 3: chance to do this, or do that, or live fully

735
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:55,399
Speaker 3: because I was doing what everyone else wanted me to do.

736
00:44:56,440 --> 00:45:03,680
Speaker 2: I think that's a beautiful example of how in our

737
00:45:03,719 --> 00:45:06,600
Speaker 2: personal lives we can when we're in this space of

738
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:09,680
Speaker 2: wanting to be the good girl, that it does prevent

739
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,960
Speaker 2: us from expressing ourselves in the way that we truly

740
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 2: want to. And I think that what that can often

741
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:22,799
Speaker 2: do is lead to our number four harmful effects, which

742
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:26,759
Speaker 2: is reinforcing low self worth. Right, because what that then

743
00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:34,160
Speaker 2: tells you is that you aren't good enough. If you

744
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:43,080
Speaker 2: are constantly seeking validation from people around you, if you're

745
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:49,239
Speaker 2: constantly living for and doing things for others and not

746
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 2: yourself in the name of being the good girl, you

747
00:45:53,480 --> 00:46:00,719
Speaker 2: will never feel good enough because chances are people are

748
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:07,200
Speaker 2: gonna place certain expectations on you that and then continue

749
00:46:07,239 --> 00:46:15,120
Speaker 2: to raise the expectations because they know you're gonna say yes,

750
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:23,000
Speaker 2: right that part, yeah, it is that that piece of

751
00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:28,080
Speaker 2: low self worth to me becomes a cycle like it

752
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:30,800
Speaker 2: puts you on like this hamster wheel of like, Okay,

753
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:37,799
Speaker 2: I don't feel good enough, so I'm gonna seek validation,

754
00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 2: but the people around me aren't really gonna give me

755
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:44,640
Speaker 2: the validation that I need because really i'm looking I

756
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:46,680
Speaker 2: need the internal validation.

757
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:51,240
Speaker 3: Mm hm yes, And none of the other puzzle pieces

758
00:46:51,239 --> 00:46:54,640
Speaker 3: are gonna fit like that internal validation. How that's gonna

759
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:56,840
Speaker 3: fit when you really get that for yourself.

760
00:46:56,520 --> 00:47:00,560
Speaker 2: Right, Yes, yes, And you'll never feel you'll ever feel

761
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:04,480
Speaker 2: like you're enough because you're not getting that. But you're

762
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:07,279
Speaker 2: gonna keep because there's not an awareness that it needs

763
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:11,640
Speaker 2: to come from internal. You're gonna keep seeking it externally

764
00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:15,800
Speaker 2: and you will be on this perpetual cycle.

765
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:18,520
Speaker 3: It might feel good for a little bit, but it's

766
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:20,680
Speaker 3: gonna run out. And people are fickle, right. It makes

767
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:24,360
Speaker 3: me think about those codependent and just a codependent relationship

768
00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:28,239
Speaker 3: where you showing up as you dimming your light is

769
00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 3: making the other person comfortable, and so they sort of

770
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 3: celebrate you for that, right, They celebrate you when you're

771
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,000
Speaker 3: being the good girl, and then when you shy away

772
00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,279
Speaker 3: from that, then there's like a punishment, and now you're

773
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:39,839
Speaker 3: kind of in this cycle of like, Okay, I got

774
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,960
Speaker 3: to do what I have to do to get their validation.

775
00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:44,759
Speaker 3: And so I think when you fill your cup and

776
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:50,040
Speaker 3: we are the number one lovers of our souls, everything

777
00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:51,800
Speaker 3: else is a cherry on top. And so if someone

778
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 3: can't handle it or they're not giving the validation, you're

779
00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:57,280
Speaker 3: good because you're like, I'm already fulfilled within my soul,

780
00:47:57,480 --> 00:47:57,680
Speaker 3: you know.

781
00:47:58,520 --> 00:47:58,719
Speaker 2: Yeah.

782
00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:03,840
Speaker 3: So that takes us to number five, which is living

783
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:07,200
Speaker 3: for others instead of self. And we've kind of talked

784
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:11,080
Speaker 3: about this throughout the episode, but living fully for oneself

785
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:15,719
Speaker 3: can really just provide you with more fulfillment, more alignment.

786
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:20,200
Speaker 3: I can't stress the importance of Like, it's like when

787
00:48:20,239 --> 00:48:23,120
Speaker 3: you know, you know, if you're living in alignment and

788
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:26,000
Speaker 3: you are being your true self, you'll know it and

789
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:28,720
Speaker 3: you'll feel it. You'll just feel like things are flowing

790
00:48:28,719 --> 00:48:31,600
Speaker 3: because you're not forcing anything. You're being true to who

791
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 3: you are and why you're here. And when you're trying

792
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:37,360
Speaker 3: to be good for others, if you want to be

793
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:38,880
Speaker 3: good yourself, that's cool. But if you're trying to be

794
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 3: good for others, it can lead to an unfulfilled life

795
00:48:41,719 --> 00:48:44,880
Speaker 3: where it feels like something's missing right, It feels like

796
00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:49,000
Speaker 3: something just isn't right here, And so I think it

797
00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 3: might be time. Well, let's see, don what do you

798
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,160
Speaker 3: have to add about living for others instead of self?

799
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:54,240
Speaker 3: Before we do our recap.

800
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:59,200
Speaker 2: Well, I think that you covered it in terms of

801
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:05,360
Speaker 2: living for your Living for yourself would require you to

802
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:11,920
Speaker 2: put you first, right and suspending the notion that putting

803
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 2: you first is selfish when we learn that living for

804
00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:22,080
Speaker 2: ourselves instead of living for others will allow us to

805
00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:28,440
Speaker 2: have more capacity to truly show up for others in

806
00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:33,560
Speaker 2: a way that feels authentic to us. Yes, it's a

807
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:34,680
Speaker 2: game changer.

808
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 3: It really is, it really is. A lady, Really quick,

809
00:49:37,600 --> 00:49:39,719
Speaker 3: we're gonna do a recap of the five that we

810
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:41,279
Speaker 3: just shared with you, and then Domini are going to

811
00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 3: hop into the after show to talk about why the

812
00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:47,000
Speaker 3: good girl mindset doesn't serve us and tips to overcome

813
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:49,040
Speaker 3: the good girl mindset. So head on over to her

814
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:53,919
Speaker 3: Space podcast dot com, click anywhere you see Patreon, join

815
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:56,840
Speaker 3: our Patreon to support us, and you'll get this extra

816
00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:00,600
Speaker 3: juicy juicy content. All right, lady, we'll do quick recap

817
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:01,800
Speaker 3: and we'll catch you on the other side.

818
00:50:02,600 --> 00:50:10,440
Speaker 2: All right, So number one suppressing authenticity, number two perpetual

819
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:18,360
Speaker 2: people pleasing, number three stifling ambition and self expression, number

820
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:24,759
Speaker 2: four reinforcing low self work, and number five living for

821
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,840
Speaker 2: others instead of self.

822
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:29,439
Speaker 3: All right, we'll see you in the after show.

823
00:50:29,480 --> 00:50:35,520
Speaker 2: Lady, thanks for joining us today. Please note that our

824
00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:41,279
Speaker 2: show may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment,

825
00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:45,000
Speaker 2: and mental health, but is by no means meant to

826
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:49,000
Speaker 2: be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a

827
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:52,839
Speaker 2: trained mental health provider. If you are someone you know

828
00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:56,400
Speaker 2: is in need of mental health care, please visit a

829
00:50:56,480 --> 00:51:01,879
Speaker 2: Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your

830
00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:02,800
Speaker 2: insurance provider.

831
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:04,839
Speaker 3: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

832
00:51:04,880 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 3: the conversation going, visit our website at heirspace podcast dot

833
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 3: com and be sure to click the Patreon link to

834
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:15,200
Speaker 3: get access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show.

835
00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:19,719
Speaker 3: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I am

836
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:26,560
Speaker 3: a magnet for positivity, attracting joy, love and success effortlessly