WEBVTT - 437. The psychology behind feeling 'too much' 0:00:05.600 --> 0:00:09.000 Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:12.320 Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 0:00:12.360 --> 0:00:17.040 the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:27.520 what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 0:00:27.560 --> 0:00:30.840 to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 0:00:31.000 --> 0:00:33.480 so great to have you here back for another episode 0:00:33.560 --> 0:00:37.640 as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:41.639 Of your twenties, Hey, before we get into this episode, 0:00:41.640 --> 0:00:43.479 Before we get started, I wanted to let you know 0:00:44.080 --> 0:00:48.120 that the full video version of this episode of this 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:53.040 podcast is now available on Netflix worldwide. If you are 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:58.040 somebody who prefers to watch rather than listen to your podcast, 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:01.000 or just likes having the pod on in the background 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:04.800 whilst you're cooking or cleaning or commuting, you can find 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:09.520 us on Netflix. It is candidly a pretty new space 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.680 for podcasts. So if you're a fan of the show 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:15.880 and just want to help prove that podcasts are the 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:19.760 real deal and that people enjoy them and support them genuinely, 0:01:19.800 --> 0:01:21.160 the best way you can do that is to just 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:23.240 go and watch an episode. That is my plea to 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:26.000 you today. But what are we talking about in this 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:28.440 episode today, we are talking about something that I think 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:32.720 almost everyone has experienced at some point in their lives, 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:36.520 which is the feeling of just being too much. You know, 0:01:36.560 --> 0:01:40.120 you're too loud, you're too emotional, you're too opinionated. Somebody's 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:43.560 made you feel like you're too sensitive, you're too needy, 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:47.880 too enthusiastic. I think at some point most of us 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:52.520 have had that sudden flash of self consciousness where we 0:01:52.640 --> 0:01:57.440 just become acutely aware of ourselves, how we're behaving, and 0:01:57.480 --> 0:02:01.200 how other people are responding, perhaps in a less than 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:04.800 favorable way. Maybe it's because you're laughing a little bit 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.320 too loudly and you realize everybody's kind of looking at you. 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:10.120 Maybe you realize you've been talking for too long, or 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:13.560 you know you've shared something personal you've immediately regretted it. 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:20.280 Maybe you've expressed excitement, passion, love too soon, or you 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:22.880 know at too much of a level, only to watch 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:29.000 someone else's reaction and just think, oh, they're definitely going 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:30.799 to tell people about this, and it's not going to 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:36.440 be nice. It's a genuinely and uniquely painful feeling, and 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:38.720 it can lead us to living very lonely lives because 0:02:38.760 --> 0:02:42.280 it goes deeper than just embarrassment, right, this feeling, it's 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:45.560 bigger than that. What we're feeling is shame. When we 0:02:45.600 --> 0:02:48.399 feel too much, we feel shame, the sense that who 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:51.799 we are naturally is somebody that won't be accepted. And therefore, 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:54.640 if you want to find people to connect with, if 0:02:54.680 --> 0:02:58.639 you want to find people to be around, the only 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:00.440 way to do that is to just treat down a 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:03.400 little bit. That is your only pathway to acceptance is 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:06.160 to just not be who you are. I have such 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:11.240 distinct memories and moments from my childhood exactly like this, 0:03:11.400 --> 0:03:15.200 where I can literally see in hindsight, like the idea 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:18.600 being implanted into my mind in real time that I 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:20.880 was too much for people, And so I wanted to 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:23.200 explore it today for others who may feel the same way, 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:27.400 because I think at its core, feelings of being too 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:29.920 much are closely related to feelings of not fitting in, 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:33.720 Feelings that you know you never did belong that haven't 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:36.640 found their resolution, and they won't find their resolution until 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:39.240 you really dig into why it is that you're made 0:03:39.480 --> 0:03:42.400 to feel this way, the cost of feeling this way, 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:45.280 and how it is that you can really just accept 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:49.440 the bigger, louder, more out there. 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:50.320 Parts of yourself. 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:56.960 So, without further ado, let's get into it. When you 0:03:57.000 --> 0:04:00.680 feel like you are too much, that feeling really stays 0:04:00.760 --> 0:04:04.120 confined to just like one area of life, it tends 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:07.560 to follow you everywhere, even if it takes on different 0:04:07.600 --> 0:04:12.200 forms depending on the situation. For example, when we date, 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:16.000 you know, we might consciously pull back from saying what 0:04:16.040 --> 0:04:19.720 we really want to say and admitting our true feelings, 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:24.040 showing the other person that we're interested, or showing them 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:27.000 too much about personality. We may stop ourselves from doing 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:31.479 those things prematurely so that they won't reject us. At work, 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:34.359 when we feel too much, we can feel like, you know, 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:38.120 we're always the loud one. We're too demanding, our standards 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:41.720 are too high, we're too sensitive, and so again we 0:04:41.839 --> 0:04:44.520 don't ask for what we want. We stay silent when 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:46.960 we really want to say things. We maybe lose out 0:04:47.000 --> 0:04:50.560 on opportunities because of that. Same in friendships, Same with 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:53.360 your family. Perhaps your family was the kind of family 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:57.880 that was quite quiet, and you embarrass them. You know. 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:01.360 The guiding thought we have is again and again and again, 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.360 people would probably like me if I wasn't the way 0:05:04.400 --> 0:05:07.360 that I am. The core question we need to explore 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:11.200 here is to begin with, why does our society automatically 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:15.200 tend to shame people who are too much into being less? 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:17.400 Why is it not the other way around. Why is 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:21.679 it that we find loud, passionate, some might say brash 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:26.680 individuals so polarizing, you know, inspirational at best, offensive at worst. 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:30.440 It's interesting to me because society, you know, as much 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:32.520 as I said, they don't tend to shame people who 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:34.800 go the other direction. I do think they do. You know, 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:37.480 people who are too quiet also are made to feel 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:39.839 like they are less than. It's another example of like 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:42.000 this impossible standard. You can't be too much, you can't 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:43.960 be too little. You have to be just right. And 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:47.240 very few people sit on that fine line. So there's 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:49.440 a couple of explanations as to why the too much 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:53.719 person is shamed. The first is that it challenges social norms. 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:57.360 One of the deepest psychological reasons we label people as 0:05:57.520 --> 0:06:01.839 too much is because human beings are remarkably sensitive to 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:06.040 social norms. Every culture, every workplace, every friendship, group, family 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:11.640 community has this unwritten rule book for how members should behave, 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:16.159 what's appropriate to wear, how loud, someone should be what 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:19.359 gets said, what doesn't get said? Who's top dog, who's 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:23.720 a follower? What's polite, what's not polite? It's always there 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:31.520 when someone exceeds those invisible boundaries, others think, you know, well, 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:33.400 you're not playing by the rules. Why can't you just 0:06:33.400 --> 0:06:35.880 be like the rest of us? Why can't you just 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:41.680 obey and continue this harmonious kind of feeling. This reaction 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:44.320 is particularly the case for people who have a real 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:49.400 rule following structured personality type. These people find the muchness 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:52.680 particularly difficult to deal with, and they're often high in 0:06:52.720 --> 0:06:55.760 what we call conscientiousness, which is a Big five personality 0:06:55.800 --> 0:07:01.040 trait that measures and reflects self control, diligence, tension to detail, 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:05.840 rule following, and it's also correlated with perfectionism and at 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:12.200 times authoritarianism and traditionalism. That final point I find really interesting. 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:15.240 You know, there is a particular kind of individual who 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:19.880 finds much less offensive. One study I found from twenty sixteen, 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:24.120 titled the Big Five in relationship with I can't even 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:27.040 remember it's like the Big Five in relationship with social 0:07:27.040 --> 0:07:31.920 dominance orientation, looked at personality correlates in a sample of 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:35.760 four hundred people and you know who they voted for, 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:38.400 what political parties they supported. And they found that people 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:42.720 high in conscientiousness there was a positive correlation with an 0:07:42.760 --> 0:07:48.960 increase in conservative, traditional, and at times authoritarian values. Some 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:54.200 people just like rules and structure more. They want people 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:57.560 to behave all in the same way. When you don't, 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:01.320 and they have that personality type, they look to correct 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:05.240 that in you by making you feel too much and 0:08:05.400 --> 0:08:08.239 hoping the shame of that nudges you back in line. 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:14.160 That's explanation number one. Explanation number two muchness. Your muchness 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:18.400 reflects a self acceptance and an authentic expression that other 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:24.320 people feel is a threat. Psychology points to this idea 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:30.120 that perhaps we dislike people who are confident because they 0:08:30.160 --> 0:08:33.280 make us feel that we are lacking. This as a name, 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:37.640 it's called the self evaluation threat. Essentially, a lot of 0:08:37.679 --> 0:08:41.360 our identity is based on how we regard ourselves in 0:08:41.400 --> 0:08:45.600 relation to others. When someone displays traits or behaviors we 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:49.520 secretly feel like we lack. We either feel worse about 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:53.679 ourselves and our ego is injured, or we convince ourselves 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:57.520 we actually don't like those traits. We don't want to 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:01.839 be that person. Therefore, we checked our ego by dismissing 0:09:01.880 --> 0:09:04.560 the value of this individual we're secretly a little bit 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:09.560 jealous of. This really comes down to that one pesky 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:12.880 social reaction that is hardwired into all of us, whether 0:09:12.880 --> 0:09:16.400 we like it or not. Social comparison. Something we talk 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:19.560 about a lot on the podcast is how comparison happens 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:24.480 in two directions, and what direction we choose to. I 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:28.920 guess directed in will influence how we feel about ourselves, 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:32.000 also how we will feel about other people. I think 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:35.839 an example is probably needed here. The best one I 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:37.800 can think of is, like, imagine you hear that, like 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:41.920 your colleague has just made like a huge scientific discovery. 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:44.520 They've published something in a journal, they've won an award, 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:48.360 they've received some accolade. It's a big deal. In response, 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:51.240 you either can feel inspired by them, happy for them. 0:09:51.679 --> 0:09:55.520 You see their status rise and that's motivational for you, 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:59.280 or you feel crap about yourself, You feel stressed that 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:02.280 you haven't a chie that yet you find reasons to 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:07.760 make their achievement feel smaller. The first reaction, the positive one, 0:10:07.800 --> 0:10:12.000 is upward social comparison. This person becomes what we call 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:16.240 an expander for you, someone who has showed you what's 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:21.400 possible and inspired you to reach it. The second reaction 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:27.520 is downward social comparison. This person has become a threat. 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:31.439 They've threatened you. They've made you feel worse about yourself. 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:35.120 You feel in competition with them, and due to their success, 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:37.599 their recent success, so you are now losing that competition. 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:40.960 You're not as good. This can start as what we 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:46.120 call in psychology benign envy, which is relatively harmless. It 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:50.199 quickly can transform into malicious envy. If you're not careful 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.440 where you know, you start doing things you don't see 0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:54.960 as a reflection of your character. 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:55.360 You know. 0:10:55.480 --> 0:10:59.000 You criticize this person, You try and lessen their status. 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.720 You accuse them, or somebody's maybe accused you of being 0:11:03.360 --> 0:11:10.600 too much. This also explains why your own muchness feels 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:13.720 like a threat to people who internally feel too little. 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:19.000 Someone else's own comfort in themselves can remind people of 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:22.440 their own unhealed insecurity. They call you too much. They 0:11:22.480 --> 0:11:25.920 say you're too loud, too aggressive, too excited. Because they've 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:28.760 silenced themselves, so why can't you. They've had to do it, 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:31.040 you should have to do it as well. They've denied 0:11:31.080 --> 0:11:35.800 themselves authentic expression they've been internally hurt by that fact. Well, 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:38.280 now everybody else should have to make the same choice 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:41.400 and should have to pay the same price. In Australia, 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:44.040 we have a term for when people feel threatened by 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.840 other success. It's called tall poppy syndrome. And it's this 0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:51.320 idea that the tallest poppy or the tallest flower is 0:11:51.360 --> 0:11:54.040 the first one to get cut down. The people who 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:57.920 are doing the best, who are the most successful, the loudest, 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:01.560 the most passionate, they are the ones others need to 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:05.520 eliminate first if they want to feel better about their 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:09.679 own deficits or lackings. A great way to do that 0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:14.520 say that somebody is just too much, Shame them into 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:18.440 being smaller. Paint them as, you know, going against social 0:12:18.480 --> 0:12:21.439 harmony in the name of humility, like you're doing this 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:25.600 to make sure social order is maintained. Not really, the 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:28.439 reason we do this is because of pride and because 0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:30.520 we can't bear to see somebody be better than us. 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:35.839 An interesting psychological follow up question is when does this 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:39.480 feeling begin? Right, We kind of know how it's implanted 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.360 in us, but when does our muchness first start to 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.160 feel like something that we need to internally correct or 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:50.120 change to belong. There is this turning point around the 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:52.200 ages of like six or eight, and then again, I 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:55.800 think in our early teenage years when we often have 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:59.560 our first experiences of realizing that maybe people don't like 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:04.920 us and realizing perhaps I don't fit in people don't 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:07.240 like me for who I am. This can happen with 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:10.200 our families. It also happens with teachers, with friends, even 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:13.000 random strangers. But I think the first place it really 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:15.600 does begin is with our families and with our parents, 0:13:17.240 --> 0:13:19.840 especially when it comes to our bids for connection and 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.280 our bids for emotional comfort. 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:25.360 A big way children show. 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:28.199 That they want closeness and that they want emotional support 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:31.920 from their parents is through crying and through being loud, 0:13:32.040 --> 0:13:34.640 and through trying to get their attention. If an adult's 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:37.680 response to your crying or your bids was to tell 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.040 you to shut up or to stop crying, or to 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:44.200 get over it, if they became frustrated when you wanted attention, 0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:49.400 when they dismissed your upsets, something kind of clicks in you. 0:13:49.400 --> 0:13:51.320 You know, when I am loud, when I express what 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:55.800 I need, I am made to feel bad. Therefore, part 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:59.240 of me that naturally needs and naturally wants must be 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:03.080 inherently shamed and incorrect. We have to remember, you know. 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:06.240 A big way that we learn what is socially and 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:12.679 personally appropriate as children is by closely watching, monitoring, and 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:17.439 responding to adults reactions to our behavior. And so when 0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:19.680 we see people constantly be like you are too much, 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:24.200 we start to feel that does that mean we become emotionless? No, 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:28.800 it just means we become very repressed that natural set 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.520 point for our emotions, though that remains like, we still 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:34.240 feel all the feelings we would normally feel, but it's 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:38.520 now constantly bubbling below the surface, unable to be communicated, 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:41.680 and it becomes incredibly uncomfortable when we just can't express 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:45.760 or be who we are. It's not just your tears 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:48.200 or your cries that we're perhaps ignored as a child. 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:53.120 Research shows that children who are over excitable, loud, boisterous, 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:57.640 they often receive less preferential or favorable treatment from parents 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:02.080 and teachers compared to children who are quiet and agreeable. 0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:07.440 The loud children are punished just for being themselves. Children 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:10.680 pick up on those reactions, especially since their sense of 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:13.800 fairness is so heightened, and so when they see you know, 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.680 the nice, quiet girl gets a lot more praise than 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:22.360 the loud child or the big, brash child. We internalize that. 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:26.040 We basically think, if I want adults to like me, 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.280 if I want people to like me, I better change 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:30.560 because who I am now isn't good enough if it 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:35.040 doesn't meet that standard. Personally, I had so many experiences 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:37.600 like this when I was a kid, because I was 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:41.000 a happy and extroverted and enthusiastic child. Like I can 0:15:41.040 --> 0:15:43.800 acknowledge now that I really didn't do any harm, but 0:15:43.840 --> 0:15:46.800 I was just loud and I was just boisterous. The 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:51.880 way some adults responded to my personality is a feeling 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:56.600 that I don't think you can forget, like frustration at best, 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:00.600 discussed even a little bit of hatred at worst, and 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:06.920 that sticks with you. That becomes how you feel about yourself. Disgusted, annoyed, ashamed, 0:16:07.000 --> 0:16:10.200 I should be less. I remember one teacher I had, 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:12.840 I can remember it so well. She would almost try 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:15.960 and like embarrass me for how loud I was. I 0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:18.920 think I was literally like seven or eight, and she 0:16:18.960 --> 0:16:22.320 would get other children to copy how loud I was 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:24.440 back to me, so I'd be like speaking loud and 0:16:24.480 --> 0:16:26.240 she'd be like well, everybody speak at Gemma the way 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:29.080 she was speaking. She would call me like loud Gemma, 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:32.640 and the other Gemma in class was nice Gemma. I 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:36.560 was literally seven. She would ignore me when I asked 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:38.640 her questions or like I would try and I remember 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:40.880 having these distinct memories of being like, I'm so excited 0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:42.680 by this art I made, or trying to share something 0:16:42.720 --> 0:16:45.640 with her, and she would just ignore me. And you know, 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:47.680 I was the biggest and tallest and loudest girl in 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:50.880 the class. I wasn't particularly delicate or neat, and I 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:53.040 could see that even as a kid, like she had 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:56.160 personal opinions of that she didn't like that I was 0:16:56.240 --> 0:17:00.360 that child. I share that story not for sympathy, not 0:17:00.400 --> 0:17:03.400 because I'm still hurt by it. I literally now get 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:05.280 to talk and be loud for a living. It's obviously 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:07.880 worked out pretty fine for me. But I just think 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:11.920 it's a good example of what early childhood experiences and 0:17:11.960 --> 0:17:16.840 conditioning does to our sense of self. Those early autobiographical 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:20.080 memories of somebody not liking you for who you are 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:24.720 doesn't just disappear. They are absorbed into our internal sense 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:28.040 of self and shame and how we self police our 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.920 own behavior the older we get. Eventually, we don't need someone. 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:33.840 We don't need a teacher or a parent to tell 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:36.239 us that we're being too much or to tell us 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:39.760 to shut up anymore. We just do it ourselves. One 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:44.399 twenty sixteen paper from the Journal of Child Psychiatry talks 0:17:44.440 --> 0:17:49.160 about how children who were made to feel embarrassed by 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:52.560 aspects of who they are, and it's not just whether 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:56.480 they're allowed, but their looks or anything, they tend to 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:00.359 develop more shame proneness the older they get. This was 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:03.320 from a longitudinal study that started with three hundred and 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:06.400 fifty children in the fifth grade. It followed them until 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:09.960 they turned eighteen, so a long time. More shame in 0:18:10.040 --> 0:18:16.080 childhood caused what these researchers labeled as painful self focus 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:18.520 or painful focus on the self, and it was often 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:22.520 accompanied by a need to shrink to be smaller. As adults, 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:26.560 these individuals also often resorted to a number of defensive 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:31.120 strategies to escape the feeling that they were inadequate, everything 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:36.159 from substances to overconfidence to self sabotage that was the 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:41.600 consequence of this childhood reaction to their personality. So what 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:44.240 are some of the other long term psychological effects. I 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:46.960 really want to investigate these. We need to take a 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:50.119 short break. When we return, we'll dive right into it. 0:18:56.080 --> 0:18:59.960 So what is the effect of constantly being told or 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:04.359 like implicitly made to feel like we're too much from 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:07.399 childhood even to adulthood. Could have been last week that 0:19:07.400 --> 0:19:10.439 you felt this way first, If this began when you 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:13.840 were a child, you were likely made to grow up 0:19:13.960 --> 0:19:17.840 a lot faster than your peers because you learn to 0:19:18.680 --> 0:19:24.280 emotionally and socially monitor your behavior early on. You also, 0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:29.200 you know, learned how to observe the reactions of others 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:32.439 and the reactions they were having towards you much earlier 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:36.480 in life. This increases our level of social hypervigilance that 0:19:36.560 --> 0:19:39.800 occupies a lot of mental space. It basically means that 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:41.479 if you're a kid and you're trying to pay attention 0:19:41.560 --> 0:19:43.040 to whether the adults in your. 0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:45.360 Life like you, you have a lot less time. 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:47.840 And attention to just be a kid and to just 0:19:48.000 --> 0:19:51.040 experiment and to just enjoy yourself and have fun. 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:52.640 It also has. 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:58.359 The lovely added bonus of making us prematurely and rather 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:02.959 intensely insecure. Now, some level of insecurity is natural with age. 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:05.520 It's actually a good thing. It's what psychologists call the 0:20:05.560 --> 0:20:10.320 looking glass self, the ability to imagine and understand how 0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:12.960 others may perceive us, so that we can kind of 0:20:13.000 --> 0:20:16.679 meet important social norms, Like we know not to hurt others, 0:20:17.119 --> 0:20:19.840 We know not to completely alienate ourselves. We know that's 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:23.320 not good for our sense of belonging. But for someone 0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:27.679 who constantly feels like their personality is too big for 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:31.400 their body, that people don't like them or expect them 0:20:31.400 --> 0:20:37.159 to be less, that looking glass self becomes a hyperfixation 0:20:37.359 --> 0:20:41.240 that becomes something that we obsess over. I always think 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:43.959 about this as like it almost creates a kind of 0:20:44.000 --> 0:20:48.640 like self concept dysmorphia, where similar to body dysmorphia, we're 0:20:48.680 --> 0:20:50.840 like looking in this internal mirror and we're trying to 0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:52.480 figure out if like we're. 0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:54.800 Too big or we're too small, or. 0:20:54.760 --> 0:20:56.840 If we're just right, and like how others see us 0:20:56.920 --> 0:20:59.080 versus how we see ourselves, Like can we trust our 0:20:59.119 --> 0:21:03.119 own self perception? And that's what's happening internally. Feeling like 0:21:03.160 --> 0:21:07.199 we're too much also leaves us disconnected from our authentic self, 0:21:07.359 --> 0:21:11.719 whereby our identity kind of splits. There's this true self 0:21:11.760 --> 0:21:15.320 and there's this false self, our false self, begins to 0:21:15.400 --> 0:21:18.920 feel more and more like the real us, because they're 0:21:18.960 --> 0:21:21.960 the version everybody sees and hopefully everybody likes. They're the 0:21:22.040 --> 0:21:24.359 version of us that is acceptable, the one that is 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:27.639 smaller and nice and polite, and the one we try 0:21:27.680 --> 0:21:31.240 and force our selves into. But there will always be 0:21:31.280 --> 0:21:33.639 a disconnect that lingers and eats away at us. We 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:37.359 will always know, unconsciously, probably consciously, that there is a 0:21:37.359 --> 0:21:39.879 part of us that really wants to be expressed that 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:45.200 we can't. Our relationships also might feel less fulfilling, because again, 0:21:45.240 --> 0:21:47.879 it's the false self that people like, and it's the 0:21:47.880 --> 0:21:50.720 false self that people are investing in, and it makes 0:21:50.720 --> 0:21:52.800 it harder and harder the more they invest in the 0:21:52.840 --> 0:21:54.840 false self to actually reveal who we are and not 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:57.159 feel like we're going to be rejected. I saw this 0:21:57.240 --> 0:21:59.840 great quote the other day, you know, if you are, 0:22:00.520 --> 0:22:02.400 how will they find you? And that is an excellent 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:06.240 example of what feeling too much and feeling like you 0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:09.879 need to hide does to your ability to really find 0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:14.679 your people and to be accepted. Another thing that I 0:22:14.680 --> 0:22:18.520 don't see spoken about a lot, constantly suppressing our organic, 0:22:18.800 --> 0:22:23.400 naturally occurring emotions and feelings and reactions has a tangible 0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:26.840 and very real impact on your body, specifically the body's 0:22:26.880 --> 0:22:29.080 ability to heal itself and to take. 0:22:28.920 --> 0:22:29.680 Care of itself. 0:22:30.160 --> 0:22:33.120 There is so much There is a huge scientific link, 0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:37.760 i should say, between self suppression, feelings of self consciousness, 0:22:37.840 --> 0:22:42.040 and poorer physical functioning, and it is a multidirectional relationship. 0:22:42.600 --> 0:22:46.800 One paper from twenty fourteen exploring kind of the interplay 0:22:46.840 --> 0:22:50.960 between our emotions and our immune system, reviewed a series 0:22:51.000 --> 0:22:55.280 of studies and found that the expression or suppression of 0:22:55.480 --> 0:23:01.399 four critical emotional states anger, anxiety, joy, and relaxation all 0:23:02.320 --> 0:23:08.640 modulated the production of cytokine, specifically cytokine proteins in the body. 0:23:09.240 --> 0:23:13.240 Cytokine proteins these chemical proteins. They are what allow our 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:17.879 immune cells to communicate and properly function on a cellular level. 0:23:18.280 --> 0:23:22.640 Their production is being influenced by our emotional state. When 0:23:22.680 --> 0:23:28.600 we feel greater levels of anxiety, anger, frustration, and social alertness. 0:23:29.240 --> 0:23:31.720 When we feel tension from having to go a step 0:23:31.720 --> 0:23:35.680 further and suppress those things, this reduces production, meaning our 0:23:35.680 --> 0:23:39.719 immune system and our immune cells are worse at working 0:23:39.800 --> 0:23:43.960 with each other when we feel capable of expressing those emotions. 0:23:43.960 --> 0:23:46.280 On the other side of things. When we feel less tension, 0:23:46.280 --> 0:23:50.920 when we feel more positive, relaxed emotions, greater production occurs. 0:23:51.880 --> 0:23:54.359 This is so important. I literally never see people talk 0:23:54.400 --> 0:23:56.160 about this when we feel that we ad too much. 0:23:56.440 --> 0:23:59.119 When we censor our emotions and feelings to create a 0:23:59.200 --> 0:24:01.720 version of our cells that we think will be more 0:24:01.800 --> 0:24:06.600 palatable to others, we could potentially be causing physical harm 0:24:07.119 --> 0:24:09.480 to our body and its ability to take care of itself. 0:24:10.119 --> 0:24:13.600 Our body becomes worse at knowing what is wrong and 0:24:13.640 --> 0:24:17.199 being able to treat it, and for what, literally for 0:24:17.280 --> 0:24:20.720 what the benefit of somebody else's comfort, so that they 0:24:20.760 --> 0:24:23.920 may like us, they may help us, include us, when 0:24:23.960 --> 0:24:26.960