1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,200 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Tutor Dixon Podcast. 2 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,640 Speaker 2: I have to ask you, guys, if you've ever wondered 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,680 Speaker 2: how we got to this point where it seems like 4 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 2: relationships across the board are just broken. 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,040 Speaker 1: I was talking to my. 6 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,800 Speaker 2: Kids the other night and I'm like, man, it seems 7 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,120 Speaker 2: like everybody you know is divorced. Everything is falling apart, 8 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,439 Speaker 2: and then younger people are struggling to find that right person, 9 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 2: and overall it feels very very much like things have 10 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 2: gone yucky. And I wanted to ask someone who is 11 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,640 Speaker 2: a specialist in this area, why and what can we 12 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,600 Speaker 2: do about this? But I also am a little concerned 13 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,320 Speaker 2: that I'm going to learn things about my own self 14 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,360 Speaker 2: that I'm not going to like. But I'm doing it anyway. 15 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 2: I'm doing it for all of you. Her name is 16 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:45,480 Speaker 2: Suzanne Venker. She is a life and relationship coach. 17 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 1: I'm like, I need a life coach. This is perfect. 18 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 2: I mean, how did I end up getting sucked into 19 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,560 Speaker 2: running for governor? Obviously I needed you a few years ago. 20 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 2: But she is a life and relationship coach and the 21 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,280 Speaker 2: author of the new book How to Build a Better 22 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,760 Speaker 2: Life On this Bandwagon. Now I'm ready to build a 23 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 2: better life. So tell me, yeah, how do I do this? 24 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 3: So the premise of the book is essentially that we 25 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 3: are teaching young women and our daughters and our female 26 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:21,000 Speaker 3: students just basically through Hollywood, the media, college professors and 27 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,959 Speaker 3: there in our homes how to do life as though 28 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,440 Speaker 3: they are never going to get married and have kids. 29 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,160 Speaker 3: That's kind of the gist of the argument, and that 30 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,919 Speaker 3: they're setting them up to fail by doing that because 31 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 3: when you make money and career, the focus from you 32 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 3: know what, let's say eighteen to thirty, with no thought 33 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 3: about how your life is going to change dramatically, Your 34 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 3: priorities are going to change dramatically, what life looks like 35 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 3: it's going to you know, ten years down the road 36 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,440 Speaker 3: is going to look different. Then they women end up 37 00:01:56,480 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 3: making a series of both financial relational decisions that get 38 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 3: them very stuck down the line. So this whole book 39 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 3: is about turning that on its head and saying you 40 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 3: need to play the long game if you want to 41 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,960 Speaker 3: actually truly quote unquote, and I hate this phrase, have 42 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 3: it all, And by that I mean over the course 43 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 3: of your life in piecemeal fashion, not all at once. 44 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 2: Okay, So I want to know what the long game 45 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,320 Speaker 2: is because you know we just talked about I have 46 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 2: four girls. I had my first daughter when I was 47 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 2: thirty two, just like full disclosure of my life. So 48 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 2: I came out of college, I had a career, but 49 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 2: I married young. We married when we were twenty four, 50 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 2: and then we were married for obviously many years before 51 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 2: we decided to have kids. So we had kids, our 52 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,799 Speaker 2: first daughter when we were thirty two, and then obviously 53 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 2: I liked her so kept having them, and now we 54 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 2: have four. Then the last two it came as twins, 55 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 2: So that kind of shuts you down right. You're like, 56 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 2: oh gosh, this is a lot at once. So we 57 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 2: have four kids. But I mean, I do think there 58 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,040 Speaker 2: are moments throughout your life when you're like, oh, man, 59 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 2: should I have done this differently? 60 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: Should it? 61 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,000 Speaker 2: Even when I remember having the twins and rocking them 62 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 2: and thinking I'm too old to see as much of 63 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 2: your life as I want to see now that I 64 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,120 Speaker 2: have you, and being very sad about that because and 65 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 2: thinking to myself, why didn't I struggle, Like why didn't 66 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 2: I fight to do this earlier? But you don't know 67 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 2: what you don't know until you know it, right, absolutely 68 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 2: tell us to know things earlier. 69 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 3: Let's start this by saying there's no perfection we're going 70 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 3: for here, Like, if you just do this and this 71 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 3: and this, life is always great and if you don't, 72 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 3: you're screwed. That's not at all the message. It's just 73 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 3: saying we do not we do not teach or encourage 74 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 3: young people to think long term. It's all about the 75 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 3: here and now yourself building whatever you want here. What 76 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 3: I'm gonna do something I'm going to read too. I mean, 77 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 3: I have tons of these. I just pulled out two 78 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,680 Speaker 3: that I think speaks to it. That women wrote. This 79 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 3: is on a social media post. When I on an 80 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 3: interview that I gave on this, one woman says, the 81 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 3: problem is that we have no plan to begin with. 82 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 3: We just go to college as we were told to do, 83 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,360 Speaker 3: and then we live a self absorbed life for five 84 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,799 Speaker 3: to ten years before we are hit with the reality 85 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 3: of needing a plan. That's one girl, one woman, another woman. 86 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 3: The problem is that you have all these moms who 87 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 3: plan to go back to work when their babies are born, 88 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,560 Speaker 3: and then they have their first child. They're completely blindsided 89 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,239 Speaker 3: by the fact that this plan was actually a horrible one. 90 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,479 Speaker 3: And now you have to have the conversation with your husband, 91 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 3: to stay at home and completely start from scratch on 92 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 3: figuring out how to make it there financially, and. 93 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,080 Speaker 1: Leaving that baby is so hard. 94 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 3: Yes, But see though, So there's two things I want 95 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 3: to say. One is you just pointed out something. Well, 96 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 3: two things. One is the leaving a baby is so hard. 97 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 3: When do you ever hear that? Who's told you that? 98 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 3: Who told you that a Your baby needs you and 99 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 3: that b you need your baby, Who prior to having 100 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 3: the baby ever told you that. If you had known 101 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 3: that and understood that, and that was supported and encouraged, 102 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 3: then you would start to think about all those professional, 103 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,479 Speaker 3: financial and relational decisions differently from the get go. That's 104 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 3: number one. But I want to go back to your 105 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 3: story too, because you said you just described how you 106 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,840 Speaker 3: did things, and I actually think that's a great plan 107 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 3: what you did. I don't the getting married part was 108 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:25,080 Speaker 3: key actually, because what I'm saying is that is such 109 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 3: a great option if to find your person early and 110 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,320 Speaker 3: then if you want a way to have a family, 111 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,440 Speaker 3: you can always do that these days. Thirty forty years ago, 112 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,120 Speaker 3: marriage or maybe a little longer, marriage was associated with 113 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 3: having children because this is what people did when you 114 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 3: got married, you had children. It was like all part 115 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 3: of one package. So when women were steered away from it, 116 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 3: they were taught that marriage is in competition with career, 117 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 3: and so you either get married or you have a career. 118 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,080 Speaker 3: But your story proves that it's not marriage that gets 119 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 3: in the way of that. It's kids. And then that's 120 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 3: a fact. Kids are going to completely upend your all 121 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 3: your plans, but marriage doesn't really and so it's it's 122 00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:09,960 Speaker 3: more critical to get your person down pat early on, 123 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,000 Speaker 3: in my opinion, than to necessarily have children right away. 124 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, we had a lot of fun. I mean, we 125 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,039 Speaker 1: went out and got it. 126 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,679 Speaker 2: We were on jet skis every day in the summer, 127 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 2: we were boating, we had fun with our friends. And 128 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 2: then it was like we all kind of at the 129 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,280 Speaker 2: same time said okay, let's try. And it's so funny 130 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,120 Speaker 2: because like the things you don't know, we're like, oh, yeah, 131 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 2: we'll have kids and then we'll still go out on 132 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,280 Speaker 2: the boat every day. I was like, whoa, all of 133 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 2: a sudden, things are so different. And then even I 134 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 2: mean every stage is different because I'm like, how about 135 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,279 Speaker 2: I mean, okay, we had two so we're adding two 136 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,760 Speaker 2: more and how much more is for? I mean, big deal, right, 137 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 2: and like, oh, actually this is a lot. So but 138 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 2: you have to kind of do it to learn it. 139 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,040 Speaker 3: You do it kind of. Some of this has depends 140 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,160 Speaker 3: on how you were raised, and you know, maybe if 141 00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 3: you come from a big family versus a small fan, 142 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,320 Speaker 3: if you come from divorced family versus an intac family, 143 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 3: if you how what your lessons were from your mom 144 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,080 Speaker 3: and dad about these subjects. So a lot of this 145 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 3: is very personal and specific to your story. 146 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,640 Speaker 2: But that's something you talk about, is that we aren't 147 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,280 Speaker 2: really preparing our families for this. And I will say that, 148 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,920 Speaker 2: I mean, if my mom's listening, it's just going to 149 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 2: yell at me about this. But I will say I 150 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 2: don't remember having great conversations about what marriage is. It 151 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 2: was kind of like that's the next step after college, 152 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 2: but that detailed discussion of what marriages and how and 153 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 2: what should you expect from a marriage and what should 154 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 2: you put into a marriage. Those are a lot of 155 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 2: big concepts that people are uncomfortable talking about. And then 156 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 2: even like what is pregnancy, like, what is motherhood? 157 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 3: Like? 158 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: What are those first few years? What are those first 159 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: few weeks and you're kind of alone. 160 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 2: I mean, I will talk about things that happen in 161 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 2: childbirth and labor and just pregnancy in general, and women. 162 00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: Are like, wait a minute, what am I? 163 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: I feel like I'm part of this club where we're 164 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 2: not supposed to tell you, so you'll do it. I 165 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,679 Speaker 2: don't know, I don't know why we don't tell. 166 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 3: And so women are getting this worldview that's distilled through 167 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 3: a very small segment of the population, which by that 168 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 3: I'm going to come back to media, Hollywood and college 169 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 3: professors who are we're all of one persuasion for the 170 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 3: most part, let's face it, politically, and so they have 171 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 3: a very different message they want to send to young women, 172 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 3: and it's all about putting marriage in motherhood on the 173 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 3: back burner and getting out in the world and making 174 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 3: money and competing with men and making that your life. 175 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:40,520 Speaker 3: And so it's so ingrained in our culture that it's 176 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 3: no longer even called out anymore. It's just part of 177 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 3: the fabric. And so if you're not an independent thinker, 178 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:50,000 Speaker 3: or if you haven't been taught to or exposed to, 179 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 3: the idea of wildlife doesn't have to go this way 180 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 3: that I'm being told, then you get caught down the line, 181 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 3: and those are the folks that call me for coaching 182 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 3: because they want to. For exampeople stay home for X 183 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:03,840 Speaker 3: amount of years first season, and they don't know how 184 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 3: to do this financially because they've made all these decisions 185 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 3: as though this was never going to be a thing 186 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 3: for them. And I'm saying, why don't you just flip 187 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,840 Speaker 3: that and assume that you will want to and then 188 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,080 Speaker 3: if you don't, that's a lot easier to do than 189 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,720 Speaker 3: if you did the reverse, you know, and with no 190 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,679 Speaker 3: discussion of the significance of what goes on in those 191 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 3: early years for babies and toddlers and what you're going 192 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 3: to want most likely when that time comes, you're just 193 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 3: mapping out a life that's just completely undermining your options 194 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 3: down the line, and that includes who you marry. You know, 195 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 3: no one ever teaches women anymore to look to see 196 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,320 Speaker 3: if the person you're marrying has a steady job. This 197 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 3: is a big, actual problem today because women are out 198 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 3: earning men. They're not paying attention to their husbands potential husbands, 199 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 3: or their boyfriends or their dating partner or whatever career 200 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,559 Speaker 3: path because they assume they're always going to be working 201 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:04,080 Speaker 3: their whole life throughout, like year round, full time, the 202 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 3: way they are when they're twenty five. And so if 203 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 3: you're not looking at the man's trajectory professionally thinking that 204 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 3: you're always going to be working, you're going to be 205 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,839 Speaker 3: screwed quite frankly, five seven years down the road if 206 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,080 Speaker 3: you didn't marry somebody who can support for X amount 207 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 3: of years a family, which is very old school and 208 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 3: very what do you mean, I'm supposed to be taking 209 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,320 Speaker 3: cur of blah blah. But they're getting stuck because there's 210 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 3: such politically charged comments. 211 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 2: Well, and I think there is a lot of social 212 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 2: pressure when you in I mean no matter where you 213 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,079 Speaker 2: are today, to go back. You got to go back 214 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,920 Speaker 2: to work, you got to put your kids in daycare, 215 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 2: you have to move on. And there's this new trend 216 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 2: out there that is the trad wife. And honestly, I 217 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 2: thought this was something about running and then someone was like, no, 218 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 2: this is like a traditional wife. What are these trad wives? 219 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,440 Speaker 1: I know, actually I don't know. Oh wait, yeah, I 220 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: didn't know. 221 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,560 Speaker 2: I'm like, I literally saw this in people's Twitter bio 222 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 2: and I'm like, what is that? 223 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:06,400 Speaker 1: This is a new thing? 224 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,200 Speaker 2: I have to add on and I was like, oh, 225 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 2: oh shoot, I don't think I fit this trend. So 226 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 2: but it is a trend, and it is like and 227 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 2: that is also pressure because there are moms who can't 228 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 2: stay home. But I think, like from my own experience, 229 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,240 Speaker 2: I wish I could be home with the girls all summer. 230 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 2: I wish I could sit with them and be there. 231 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 2: I mean, I'm blessed that most days I do get 232 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 2: to pick them up from school and I get to 233 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 2: help them with their homework and I get to be there, 234 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 2: but it is it is hard when you see these 235 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,959 Speaker 2: trends and you're like, oh gosh, this doesn't perfectly mesh 236 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,680 Speaker 2: into my life. And I think that we see a 237 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 2: lot of women who are becoming more and more depressed, 238 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,680 Speaker 2: more and more alienated because they don't fit into all 239 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 2: of these stories that we see on social media. 240 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:56,520 Speaker 1: You can't be the. 241 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 2: The number one CEO of the big company and still 242 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 2: be the mom that's. 243 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: At the pool every day. Like those two things can't happen. 244 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,160 Speaker 3: There is no such thing. That's why I said, I 245 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,840 Speaker 3: don't like that phrase having it all, so I'm rephrasing 246 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,240 Speaker 3: it to say, over the course of your life, because 247 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 3: there's no solutions to this, there's just trade offs, and 248 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 3: so you have to be good with whatever your choice 249 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,439 Speaker 3: is and accept the other side of that. And people 250 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 3: struggle with that because they're told that you shouldn't have 251 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,600 Speaker 3: to do that, and that that's settling or something that's 252 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 3: not settling at all. That's the reality of being an adult. 253 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,679 Speaker 3: You make a choice and you deal with the with 254 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 3: the with the consequences, or if you don't like it, 255 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,040 Speaker 3: you can change it. But the trad wife thing, I 256 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 3: think is a extreme. My assessment of it is that 257 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 3: it's an extreme reaction to the idea that you're not 258 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 3: supposed to do that at all, that you're supposed to 259 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,560 Speaker 3: be a career woman, even in it's just like it 260 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,439 Speaker 3: does not. It is huge online, there is no question 261 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 3: it is a massive following. But I don't believe they 262 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:01,800 Speaker 3: represent the average woman. I think they are an extreme 263 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 3: other end of the pole as the you know, working mom, 264 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,599 Speaker 3: career woman, kids in daycare, never home. You know, like 265 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,440 Speaker 3: they're just opposite ends of a poll and are of 266 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 3: a line, and I'm saying there's something in the middle 267 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 3: there for most people. They really don't I really don't 268 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,920 Speaker 3: believe they want either one of those lives, and that 269 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 3: there are choices in between those that will work. Well. 270 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,839 Speaker 2: I I thank you for saying that, because I see 271 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 2: these posts and I see these women and they have 272 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,560 Speaker 2: like this perfect apron on and they're wearing a skirt 273 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 2: and it's like the fifties, you know, and they're like. 274 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 1: The kids are to be seen and not heard. 275 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 2: They're coloring and we have the table set and they're perfect. 276 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,200 Speaker 2: And then like the other night, I had this guy 277 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,199 Speaker 2: come to my house and I'm like, se I actually 278 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,959 Speaker 2: am embarrassed about this. He comes to my house and 279 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: I think, oh my gosh, I'm so exposed as like 280 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,120 Speaker 2: the not trad wife, right because he's trying to get 281 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,200 Speaker 2: signatures for a politician. And I open the door and 282 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,320 Speaker 2: not even thinking like here, I am in my jeans 283 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 2: and I had my ratty apron on and I looked 284 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 2: horrible and I had my glasses up on my head 285 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,679 Speaker 2: and I'm literally it's too late for dinner and I'm 286 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,120 Speaker 2: still making dinner, right, And I'm like. 287 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,160 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Then he says, oh, can I get 288 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: a picture with you? 289 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,760 Speaker 2: Your tutor dicksonari you? And I'm like, oh gosh, all 290 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 2: I had the pressure of all the draadwives are they're 291 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,360 Speaker 2: perfect apriom like mine literally has spaghetti sauce on it 292 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,240 Speaker 2: and my hair. 293 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,000 Speaker 1: It's crazy. 294 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,200 Speaker 3: That's real life and the whole track. I mean, it's 295 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,480 Speaker 3: such a caricature of motherhood. Motherhood doesn't look like what 296 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 3: they're showing. Now. I'm all for what they're doing. I mean, 297 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 3: I think it's great to do that. I have no 298 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 3: problem with living off the land and going that extreme 299 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 3: with it. I mean I couldn't do it, but I 300 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 3: respect it. It's just I don't want that being held 301 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 3: up as the only alternative to the hard charging career 302 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 3: woman who's never home. I don't like that. There's just 303 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,240 Speaker 3: a vast middle grade a lot of pressure. Most of 304 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,840 Speaker 3: us live somewhere in between there, and the pressure comes from, 305 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 3: of course, social media. If we didn't have social media, 306 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,760 Speaker 3: we wouldn't even be exposed to these extreme versions of 307 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 3: you know, again, it's a caricature. It's not real, right. 308 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 1: I mean, if my orchard blooms, I feel like I farmed. 309 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I'm really bad. I don't do it either, 310 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,880 Speaker 3: But I think it's great. I think it's a great life, 311 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 3: and clearly it speaks to people who are responding to 312 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 3: probably what's going on in the country now and wanting 313 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 3: a very simple life. And I support that completely, but 314 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 3: I just don't want it held up as like this 315 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 3: is the only way to reject the cultural message. 316 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 2: Let's take a quick commercial break. We'll continue next on 317 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 2: the Tutor Dixon Podcast. So it seems like marriage is 318 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 2: still something people want, but it doesn't seem like there's 319 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,800 Speaker 2: as many marriages now. And I'm going to go a 320 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 2: little bit further and say that we're even hearing that 321 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:52,480 Speaker 2: there's not relationships. I mean, people aren't even Like there 322 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 2: are people in their thirties that have never had a 323 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 2: romantic relationship with someone. 324 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 1: And you're like, how, my gosh, how has this? 325 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 2: How have we gotten to the point where people aren't 326 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 2: even they go on a date, or they don't even 327 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 2: go on a date. 328 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: They're not even going on a date. 329 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,520 Speaker 2: I mean, I was talking to a woman the other 330 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,680 Speaker 2: day and she was like, look, I'm like a mentor 331 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 2: to people in their twenties, and she said, it's really 332 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,400 Speaker 2: hard to get them to even talk to someone face 333 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:18,720 Speaker 2: to face. 334 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 1: Like we had phones, you know, people text. 335 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:24,480 Speaker 2: Now they don't even have a communication as connected as 336 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,160 Speaker 2: we are not connected. 337 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 3: And then and then try to after all of that, 338 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 3: actually be married or in a relationship and dealing with 339 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 3: the reality's of that. If you couldn't even look at 340 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 3: each other or talk on the phone or you know, 341 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,640 Speaker 3: it's I mean, there are a lot of reasons for this. 342 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 3: You know, obviously we could be here all day talking 343 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:49,640 Speaker 3: about how we got here, but it is, it is 344 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 3: very The saddest part about it is that the very 345 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 3: thing that's going to feed most of us, which is 346 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 3: our relationships at home, are so fractured and so it 347 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 3: feels so elusive to people because there is no Well, 348 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 3: first let's start with modeling. I mean, you opened this talk. 349 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,639 Speaker 3: You open this talking about women who are you know, 350 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,679 Speaker 3: they don't see anything they are products of divorce or 351 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 3: they don't see any models for it, and this is 352 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:21,760 Speaker 3: a huge problem. But going back to the messaging, if 353 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 3: you I don't know, if you have like if you 354 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:31,160 Speaker 3: got divorced, I wish parents would talk more about what 355 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,879 Speaker 3: they did wrong and say what not to do or 356 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,440 Speaker 3: what to do, and talk more about what happened with them. 357 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 3: And if it's not about divorce, even the work family thing, 358 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 3: like I had a mom who she had an MBA 359 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 3: from Radcliffe. She became, she became a stockbroker, and she 360 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 3: was a stack gerer for fifteen years before she ultimately 361 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 3: quit to stay home with my sister and me when 362 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:54,360 Speaker 3: she married later in life. I grew up hearing that 363 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 3: that did not work and that she wished she had 364 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,919 Speaker 3: stayed home earlier, because she didn't come home until we 365 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 3: were three and five. And so that kind of messaging 366 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 3: then steers me to do something different because I heard 367 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,680 Speaker 3: stuff from her that really today would be considered kind 368 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:15,879 Speaker 3: of taboo about relationships and about about motherhood. So I 369 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 3: think it was that, well, it was good for me 370 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,159 Speaker 3: in what she told me, because she would talk a 371 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,879 Speaker 3: lot about babies and toddlers and what they needed and 372 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,240 Speaker 3: how when they want you, they want you and nobody 373 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 3: else and that's the way it is. And so this 374 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,679 Speaker 3: idea that you're going to be able to do this 375 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 3: and that is just not going to work. And so 376 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:40,560 Speaker 3: and just also just so much of what I learned 377 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,359 Speaker 3: was countercultural. That I wanted a lot of time, a 378 00:18:44,359 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 3: lot of what in a lot of ways, this book 379 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,119 Speaker 3: is really about kind of taking the messaging that I 380 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 3: got from her and sharing it with the world in 381 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,679 Speaker 3: a different format because she was so unusual for her 382 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 3: times too. I mean, she could have she could have 383 00:18:57,119 --> 00:18:59,320 Speaker 3: lived today, you know, with the way she constructed her life, 384 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 3: and some of it regretful and some of it wasn't. 385 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 3: But I mean that's the case for anybody, right. 386 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 2: It's interesting because I have obviously had the blessing and 387 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:11,600 Speaker 2: being able to talk to people across the state who 388 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 2: trend more conservative, and I've had multiple conversations about different things. 389 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,919 Speaker 1: And one of the overwhelming. 390 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,399 Speaker 2: Messages I get from my own kids actually is my 391 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,560 Speaker 2: daughter went to middle school camp this year and said 392 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,159 Speaker 2: something about, oh, you know, I was talking to my 393 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,720 Speaker 2: mom about the boy I like. And one of the 394 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,240 Speaker 2: girls at middle school camp was like, how could you 395 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,199 Speaker 2: ever talk to your mom about that? That subject is 396 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 2: totally off limits in our house. And she came home 397 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,960 Speaker 2: and she was like, gosh, I can't imagine not telling 398 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,400 Speaker 2: you who my crushes. And I thought to myself, Man, 399 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,720 Speaker 2: if that topic is off limits, at what point is 400 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,359 Speaker 2: it not off limits? And then what does that teach 401 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 2: you about relationships? Do you hide them? Because these were 402 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 2: kids that were saying we hide our crush from our parents, 403 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 2: like we could never let our parents know years old 404 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,160 Speaker 2: that we have a crush. And then the flip side 405 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:07,840 Speaker 2: of that is talking to an older Christian man who 406 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 2: says to me, we are kidding ourselves if we are 407 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,640 Speaker 2: not honest about the fact that there's a point when 408 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,240 Speaker 2: hormones are raging and sexual attraction occurs, and it's natural, 409 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 2: and we have to have that conversation with our kids, 410 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,320 Speaker 2: and by avoiding that conversation, we are setting them up 411 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:27,720 Speaker 2: to fail. But what is the like, how do we 412 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 2: know as parents what the right thing is to do? 413 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,920 Speaker 1: I don't know. Should I be talking to my daughter 414 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,680 Speaker 1: about this stuff? 415 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 2: I don't really know. Then when I hear that, I think, oh, 416 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,720 Speaker 2: maybe I'm not screwing her up, you. 417 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,600 Speaker 3: Know, you mean about relationships in general, about sex. 418 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, and her having a crush and her being interested 419 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:43,680 Speaker 2: in someone. 420 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,680 Speaker 3: I mean, how normal was that? Right? You did that? Yeah, 421 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 3: you had a crush. We all did right. But the 422 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:56,040 Speaker 3: point is that there's so much What I find is 423 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 3: so much lack of information with the people who come 424 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:00,359 Speaker 3: to me for coaching. That's what I end up hearing 425 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,199 Speaker 3: is just I had no idea about this that like, 426 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 3: there's no conversation about anything in life except school and career, 427 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:13,800 Speaker 3: like that's it. There's just no talk about sex, men, marriage, motherhood, 428 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,280 Speaker 3: balance or if you do talk about balance, it's you 429 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,000 Speaker 3: can do it. You know, it's all good. So and 430 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,360 Speaker 3: the messaging from the culture with everything they're seeing is 431 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 3: a mirage because you see all the stuff that makes 432 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,679 Speaker 3: it look like women are doing something, but you're not 433 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,400 Speaker 3: seeing the reality. You're just what you're seeing is fake, 434 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,760 Speaker 3: It isn't real. It's just to get clicks, And so 435 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 3: you have to sort of have the ability to know 436 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,359 Speaker 3: that what you're seeing isn't real so that you can 437 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,280 Speaker 3: put it in perspective when you're thinking about your own 438 00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:45,320 Speaker 3: life and not make those comparisons. This is a whole 439 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 3: almost separate conversation about social media and making comparisons because 440 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 3: I think this is really hurting the mental health of girls, 441 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,119 Speaker 3: in particular because they're the ones who spend more time 442 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 3: on social media than I think boys do. 443 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:57,720 Speaker 1: Well. 444 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:02,360 Speaker 2: I think women too. I think there's a a strong problem. 445 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,879 Speaker 2: I mean for a women of all ages to constantly 446 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 2: compare themselves to someone else. And I have to say 447 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 2: there are times, I mean, parenting is hard. It is 448 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 2: the hardest job and yet at the same time, I 449 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 2: would do it one hundred times over. It's like the 450 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 2: weirdest thing because you look at it and you're like, gosh, 451 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:25,200 Speaker 2: I am just trudging through this. And there are seasons 452 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 2: that are really challenging with you know, a phase here 453 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 2: or a phase there, And I think that's also something 454 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 2: that you can in this world. We can get caught 455 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,080 Speaker 2: up in our child's phase and forget that they had 456 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,720 Speaker 2: a different phase last year and that this is something 457 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,320 Speaker 2: they're going to move on from, and get so overwhelmed 458 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 2: by you know, I have one kid that's going through 459 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: frustration constantly and constantly upset, another one that has like 460 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:55,360 Speaker 2: a season of tiary days, you know, and then one 461 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 2: that doesn't want to go to school every day, and 462 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 2: then that season ends. But sometimes I think parents can 463 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,160 Speaker 2: get caught in a season and then they cannot get 464 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,960 Speaker 2: out of the mindset I have to fix this, I 465 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 2: have to fix this. How do we explain to moms 466 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,160 Speaker 2: you don't have to fix everything, you have to get 467 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:11,560 Speaker 2: through it. 468 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 3: I mean looking at the bigger picture, you know, putting 469 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:19,359 Speaker 3: things in perspective and not getting so caught up in 470 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 3: what's happening in the moment and just knowing that that's 471 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 3: part of life raising kids is I mean, there's meaning 472 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,040 Speaker 3: there that's very deep, Like I can't even imagine my 473 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,040 Speaker 3: life without my kids. I mean, who cares about what 474 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,080 Speaker 3: I did before? It's like my kids are everything, and 475 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 3: we're an empty nesters, so we're still are a family, 476 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:40,240 Speaker 3: and it's like I can't even imagine my life without 477 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,439 Speaker 3: them and how empty it would feel to me. So 478 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 3: I think there's the day to day reality of things 479 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 3: that are hard, and then the other end of it 480 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,439 Speaker 3: where the meaning comes in. And I think trying to 481 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:56,280 Speaker 3: replace that with something outside our homes is what is 482 00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,159 Speaker 3: causing so much depression among women because they were taught 483 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 3: that that meaning and fulfillment can be found outside the home, 484 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,600 Speaker 3: and so there's no conversation about marriage and family as 485 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 3: being that source of fulfilment. That's like a taboo. And 486 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,359 Speaker 3: yet you and I both know anybody who's married, knows 487 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:18,560 Speaker 3: who you marry and how that marriage fares has more 488 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,360 Speaker 3: effect on your happiness and well being than anything else 489 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,720 Speaker 3: you do in life. Like if your career isn't going 490 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,920 Speaker 3: well but your home life is in order, you're good. 491 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,520 Speaker 3: You reverse it. No, it doesn't work that way. Thus 492 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,600 Speaker 3: showing that career fulfillment is always going to be secondary 493 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,360 Speaker 3: to what's going on at home and in your personal life. 494 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:41,479 Speaker 2: So do you see this as fully the responsibility of 495 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,320 Speaker 2: women or do you have I mean, are all of 496 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 2: your clients women or do you have men who have 497 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,080 Speaker 2: come to you and been like, you know what, I 498 00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 2: got on the wrong path. 499 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,800 Speaker 3: So the subject of the short answer is no. Men 500 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 3: have been just as affected by this let's call it 501 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,359 Speaker 3: anti family, anti marriage and family culture and trying to 502 00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:07,840 Speaker 3: replace that with money and career. The difference is for 503 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:12,960 Speaker 3: them is that they don't really they can't really have 504 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,879 Speaker 3: the same They kind of have to follow what the 505 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,240 Speaker 3: woman in their life wants when it comes to this stuff. 506 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:23,479 Speaker 3: They don't feel like they can tell her how to 507 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,880 Speaker 3: construct her life, and so to some degree they take 508 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,239 Speaker 3: a back seat to what they think a lot of 509 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,199 Speaker 3: them and just kind of go with whatever the wife wants, 510 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,960 Speaker 3: which is problematic in another way. To answer your question, yes, 511 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,640 Speaker 3: I do see a lot of men too, mostly husbands 512 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:43,560 Speaker 3: of the wives, and it's a real mess for them 513 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 3: because they've been so taught to believe that roles in 514 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 3: a marriage are bad, traditional gender roles of any kind 515 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:56,120 Speaker 3: right from out as though they are evil, and I'm 516 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 3: saying you're crazy. Go with what works for women. Most 517 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,960 Speaker 3: women and men work with a biology you've been given. 518 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,400 Speaker 3: We all have. We are different vastly, and when you 519 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:10,120 Speaker 3: move with the biological tide, you're gonna come out on top. 520 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 3: It's going to be much easier for you than you're 521 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,800 Speaker 3: constantly battling against it. And so men are kind of 522 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 3: just taking their cues from women, and it's kind of 523 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,120 Speaker 3: a mess because women don't really know. It's like still 524 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,880 Speaker 3: being played out, and they don't really know what they 525 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,680 Speaker 3: want because they're feeling that what they want differs from 526 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,400 Speaker 3: what they were told they should want, and then they're 527 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 3: trying to figure that out with the spouse, and it's 528 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:37,080 Speaker 3: kind of a mess. That's the downside. The good side 529 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,600 Speaker 3: is if you recognize this and you want to build 530 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,360 Speaker 3: a better life. Going back to my book, there are 531 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,880 Speaker 3: ways to do that. If you want to prioritize love 532 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,200 Speaker 3: and family and your relationships at home and it's the 533 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:49,280 Speaker 3: most important thing and you're both on the same team, 534 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,400 Speaker 3: you can always rebuild. 535 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:56,440 Speaker 2: I think that is something that is a key message, 536 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 2: and I've been talking to my own kids about this 537 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 2: but I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm going 538 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:05,199 Speaker 2: to ask you, yes, Well, I think that there is 539 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,200 Speaker 2: a culture today though, where we are very self focused 540 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 2: and and we've been raised to be focused on self 541 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 2: because I'm the generation of everybody's gonna win no matter what, 542 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,120 Speaker 2: and everybody's going to get something. But I think it's 543 00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:21,840 Speaker 2: gotten so much worse. I see in my kids it's like, no, 544 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,880 Speaker 2: take me here tonight. I'm like, who do you think 545 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,560 Speaker 2: you are? And I mean I literally just had this 546 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,960 Speaker 2: conversation with one of my kids over the weekend, which 547 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:33,320 Speaker 2: was the world doesn't revolve around you, but you have 548 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,240 Speaker 2: some people in this house that. 549 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:36,440 Speaker 1: Will love you forever. 550 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 2: There is always the chance that you drive people away, 551 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 2: Like it's a hard lesson to learn. 552 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,160 Speaker 3: That's a great message to send, That's. 553 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 2: What it's But how do we how do we get 554 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:55,760 Speaker 2: people to understand that importance of there are times when 555 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,880 Speaker 2: you put yourself aside. We've become so focused on self, 556 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 2: like I've got to be right, I've got to be right, 557 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,000 Speaker 2: I've got to be right. And I think this is 558 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:07,000 Speaker 2: harmful in marriage and friendships and everything that we I 559 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:09,679 Speaker 2: think because we see those people who are perfect and 560 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,040 Speaker 2: we're like, I have to be that. 561 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,600 Speaker 3: So the best way to counteract the self focused life 562 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,200 Speaker 3: is ironically to be in a relationship. When you are 563 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,919 Speaker 3: not in a relationship, and we are so pro single, 564 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,679 Speaker 3: pro single, pro single, like pushing marriage off as long 565 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 3: as possible, don't worry about having that relationship, just have fun, 566 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,240 Speaker 3: live for yourself or you are. Actually when you send 567 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 3: that message, you're saying basically that relationships are a drag, 568 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,040 Speaker 3: or that they're going to like change your life and 569 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,440 Speaker 3: make it worse, or everything's negative about it when you 570 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,040 Speaker 3: send that message, when in fact, it's when you're in 571 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,960 Speaker 3: a relationship that you actually grow as a human being. 572 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,720 Speaker 3: You can't grow by yourself. I mean this concept of, 573 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 3: you know, thinking you just are going to become a 574 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,840 Speaker 3: self actualized or better person by living for yourself by 575 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,920 Speaker 3: yourself is ridiculous in my opinion, not until you're in 576 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,080 Speaker 3: a marriage or relationship that you have to constantly deal 577 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,400 Speaker 3: with somebody else. You have to compromise, you have to 578 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 3: think about yourself in relation to them, and you have 579 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,200 Speaker 3: to put yourself second, quite frankly, at least by the 580 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,880 Speaker 3: time you get married for sure, because marriage is not 581 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 3: about fulfillment for you. It's about loving somebody and that 582 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,280 Speaker 3: that's going to mean a hell of a lot of sacrifice, 583 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 3: which is another. 584 00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:24,479 Speaker 2: That's one thing about having four kids. There is a 585 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,920 Speaker 2: lot of negotiation. However, at this point in my life, 586 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,080 Speaker 2: I call it fighting and it's a little annoying. But 587 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 2: I am like, Okay, I'm hoping they're learning from this 588 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 2: because there, you know, it's. 589 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,120 Speaker 1: Like, don't put your stuff on my stuff and don't 590 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:38,360 Speaker 1: do this. 591 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,560 Speaker 2: But I'm like they have to figure it out and 592 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:43,080 Speaker 2: they and there will be times when they just completely 593 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 2: rage and like, you know, come to me and there all, yeah, 594 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:50,080 Speaker 2: this is so unfair, like stop, you know, you could 595 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:52,760 Speaker 2: actually get your way, but you're gonna have to give 596 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,240 Speaker 2: something up to get your way. So you have to 597 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:58,680 Speaker 2: think about this instead of just going out and going 598 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,960 Speaker 2: after your sister in a acting her, immediately step back 599 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,640 Speaker 2: and think about this. But I mean, honestly, I think 600 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 2: it's one of those things where without somebody to bounce 601 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 2: this off of, like you, I don't know, I'm like 602 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 2: I walk away and I'm like, I don't know, did I. 603 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:13,160 Speaker 1: Just screw her up for life? 604 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,440 Speaker 3: But see that it's not about doing it perfectly. It's 605 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:22,440 Speaker 3: about either prioritizing your relationships, family and relationships or not. 606 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 3: And if you're dissing the whole concept of marriage and 607 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 3: family in favor of the all important self and self 608 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 3: actualization and living, you know, for yourself, that is part 609 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:35,920 Speaker 3: and parcel of why we have so much depression and 610 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:39,360 Speaker 3: anxiety and women on drugs because you're not you're doing 611 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,560 Speaker 3: it wrong, and that you're doing it wrong because you 612 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,800 Speaker 3: got the wrong messaging. I'm actually not upset with the 613 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,600 Speaker 3: young people. I'm actually mad at the narrative that the 614 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 3: previous generation are sending them, which is to completely reverse 615 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,760 Speaker 3: what should be the priority and what is ultimately going 616 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:55,600 Speaker 3: to be fulfilling and help you grow as a human, 617 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,400 Speaker 3: which is marriage and family in our relationships. 618 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 2: Let's take a quick commercial break. We'll continue next on 619 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:07,520 Speaker 2: the Tutor Dixon Podcast. You make a great point because 620 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 2: it's something that we don't ever want to say. We 621 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 2: don't even want to say you have to have a 622 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,520 Speaker 2: relationship because we don't want to offend somebody like you're 623 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 2: not enough. But really we were built to be in relationships, 624 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:22,239 Speaker 2: and relationships. You are in relationships, no matter what I mean. 625 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,280 Speaker 2: I think that's the thing that people forget when you 626 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,760 Speaker 2: go to work, you're in relationships. 627 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:26,880 Speaker 1: Those are people that you have. 628 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,680 Speaker 2: To be in relationship with every day. And this is 629 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,480 Speaker 2: another conversation I have with my kids. I'm like, relationships 630 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,520 Speaker 2: are all around you. We just had this conversation too 631 00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:35,080 Speaker 2: the other night. 632 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 1: No matter what happens. 633 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,240 Speaker 2: You will always have relationships, and no matter what happens, 634 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 2: they are always work. And I think that was something 635 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:46,200 Speaker 2: that nobody told me. Like when I was growing up, 636 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,880 Speaker 2: it was like, I never saw my parents have to 637 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,080 Speaker 2: work at their relationship. 638 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:51,240 Speaker 1: But I'm sure they did. 639 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,360 Speaker 2: I was just a kid, you know, And I look 640 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 2: back on it now and I'm like. 641 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,880 Speaker 1: Man, they were perfect. It was so easy for them. 642 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 2: But I know that's not true true, And I think 643 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,520 Speaker 2: that that I wasn't aware of how hard you have 644 00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 2: to how much effort you have to put in. But 645 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 2: now you see all these parents and we go to 646 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:10,520 Speaker 2: the park and you see a parent and they're just 647 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,560 Speaker 2: sitting on the phone, and the kids like pulling at 648 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,960 Speaker 2: the parents jacket. Hey hey mom, Hey mom, Like just 649 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:17,959 Speaker 2: a minute, just a minute. And I'm not saying this 650 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:20,400 Speaker 2: from a position I'm not having been that person. I've 651 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:22,800 Speaker 2: done it to my kids too. Let's be honest, but 652 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,480 Speaker 2: how much has it changed? The parents are just too 653 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,080 Speaker 2: preoccupied to give their time to their kid. 654 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:31,960 Speaker 3: I mean, there's no question about it. That's almost a 655 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:37,920 Speaker 3: whole other conversation about parenting and how to give it 656 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:42,160 Speaker 3: our attention and priority when rather than their kids getting leftovers. 657 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:44,040 Speaker 3: I mean, that's, let's face it, that's really what it 658 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,720 Speaker 3: feels like to be a kid now. It's like did 659 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 3: you did you want me? I mean that's really a takeaway. 660 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:53,920 Speaker 3: It's like do you am? I? I'm here, but I 661 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,600 Speaker 3: feel like I am a side dish to a different life, 662 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,480 Speaker 3: you know. And that's not how it was that, It's 663 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 3: not how it was before. And so there is a 664 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,760 Speaker 3: link between the way we are raising our children from 665 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:11,480 Speaker 3: the day they come out and their mental health down 666 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 3: the line. And that is a fact. And it was 667 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,320 Speaker 3: not this way years ago. So something has gone very wrong. 668 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:20,479 Speaker 3: And in my opinion, I mean, this book isn't really 669 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,200 Speaker 3: about parenting per se, But in my opinion, it's all 670 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:27,160 Speaker 3: about having flipped the script and changed the priorities and 671 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 3: putting marriage and family on the back burner and our 672 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:32,440 Speaker 3: relationships because that was what we valued in the past 673 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:36,280 Speaker 3: and putting this, you know, teaching the whole concept of 674 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:39,800 Speaker 3: living to work rather than working to live where it's 675 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:41,480 Speaker 3: all end all and it's going to fill you up 676 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,720 Speaker 3: and the other thing is their secondary or get to 677 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 3: it later. I mean, I know parents who when their 678 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,480 Speaker 3: daughters get into a relationship, even at sixteen, they're like, 679 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:51,400 Speaker 3: you know, you don't want to do that, you know, 680 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:54,640 Speaker 3: I mean, why not be in a relationship with somebody 681 00:33:56,640 --> 00:34:01,360 Speaker 3: and learn from that, test it out, tested out, rather 682 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:04,680 Speaker 3: than every message you send the kid is hearing, you know, 683 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,360 Speaker 3: and if you're if you are deprioritizing relationships in favor 684 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:12,640 Speaker 3: of living for yourself or self actualization or education and 685 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:15,640 Speaker 3: career to the exclusion of that, they're hearing that, and 686 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,400 Speaker 3: they're going to map out a life assuming that that 687 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,040 Speaker 3: shouldn't be the priority. And that's why when you said 688 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:23,120 Speaker 3: you got married a way to have kids, that is 689 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:29,200 Speaker 3: one of the many paths that I think is an option, 690 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,480 Speaker 3: a good option for some people. That's never discussed because 691 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:37,080 Speaker 3: we associate marriage with always settling down. I had a 692 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:38,879 Speaker 3: friend who got married at like twenty two or twenty 693 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,000 Speaker 3: three and they didn't have children for nine years, which 694 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,759 Speaker 3: actually might be sort of similar to what you said. 695 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:48,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I mean I think that it's you know. 696 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:50,840 Speaker 3: That I'm not saying that's what people should do or 697 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:51,560 Speaker 3: that's the ideal. 698 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: No, I mean, and I've seen both. 699 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,480 Speaker 2: I've seen where they've had the baby the first year, 700 00:34:56,520 --> 00:35:01,200 Speaker 2: and obviously we didn't. But it wasn't really it wasn't 701 00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:03,680 Speaker 2: really discussed. And that was another thing that it wasn't 702 00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:06,920 Speaker 2: ever discussed with my parents. And the funny thing was 703 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:09,040 Speaker 2: that once I started having kids, you know, then I 704 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,359 Speaker 2: had the twins and we went to the first ultarsound, 705 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 2: and I had this feeling like you know, when you're pregnant. 706 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, I think this is twins. My husband's like, 707 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:19,920 Speaker 1: why would you say that? 708 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,040 Speaker 2: And I was like, I don't know, I'm pregnant and crazy, 709 00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 2: it's probably not. 710 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 1: You're fine. And then we go to the first altarsound, right. 711 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,600 Speaker 2: And she's like, okay, I have baby A hold on 712 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,080 Speaker 2: a second, here, I have baby B. 713 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:30,240 Speaker 1: And I'm like, what did. 714 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:32,400 Speaker 2: You just say? You know? And then I remember coming 715 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 2: home and my mom was like, do you not know 716 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,160 Speaker 2: how this is happening? And I'm thirty six, you know, 717 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,640 Speaker 2: It's like I'm sixteen and pregnant, so it was even 718 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:43,000 Speaker 2: then there's a struggle. You know, there was a generational 719 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,440 Speaker 2: gap where you kind of don't discuss things like that 720 00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:48,240 Speaker 2: back then, and now it's got a little bit different 721 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 2: where it's like you don't discuss it because you are. 722 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,720 Speaker 1: Like, well, are you okay with this? Is everything fine 723 00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:53,279 Speaker 1: with you? You know? 724 00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:55,440 Speaker 2: Are you going to be able to handle this? So 725 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,319 Speaker 2: I just I appreciate what you do. I think it's 726 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 2: fantastic your book. I want you to give us a 727 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:02,600 Speaker 2: few little nuggets. 728 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 3: It's how to. 729 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,560 Speaker 2: Build a better life, So what give us a few 730 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,200 Speaker 2: little nuggets of what we'll find in there. 731 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,160 Speaker 3: So the subtitle is actually probably more explanatory than the title, 732 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:13,600 Speaker 3: which is it's a new roadmap for women who want 733 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:18,080 Speaker 3: to prioritize love and family. And it's basically saying, look, 734 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:19,960 Speaker 3: there's a whole different way you can map out your 735 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,400 Speaker 3: life opposite of the way the culture is teaching you, 736 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 3: and that is that marriage is good. Put it on 737 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 3: your radar, like asap date for marriage, not just screwing around, 738 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:33,400 Speaker 3: you know, living with people, dating for fun and worrying 739 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,440 Speaker 3: about marriage later. That's not going to work out for 740 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 3: most people. So make it a priority, if for no 741 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:41,920 Speaker 3: other reason because of what I said before, which is 742 00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,880 Speaker 3: that who you marry is going to have more effect 743 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 3: on your happiness and wellbeing than anything else you do. 744 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,840 Speaker 3: That choice is far more significant than any career or 745 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:55,120 Speaker 3: college choice you make. It's going to affect everything. It's 746 00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 3: going to spill over into every area of your life. 747 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:00,960 Speaker 3: You want to give it the time and tension and 748 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:05,160 Speaker 3: weight that it deserves, and so that's one piece of it. 749 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:09,520 Speaker 3: And then making financial that's the relational decision, but then 750 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,480 Speaker 3: also making educational and financial decisions that will help you 751 00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 3: in the long run, so that, for example, think about 752 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:19,480 Speaker 3: a career that works well with motherhood, rather than one 753 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,440 Speaker 3: that's going to clash that you're not going to be 754 00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:23,799 Speaker 3: able to do well. You want one that you can 755 00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:26,120 Speaker 3: move in and out of more easily, one that's more flexible, 756 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 3: one you can do from home, one then you can 757 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:33,000 Speaker 3: do part time. Just thinking differently about career because you're 758 00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,279 Speaker 3: going to feel differently about it when you have a baby. 759 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 3: And then financial decisions, if you want the option to 760 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:43,799 Speaker 3: stay home. Who you marry matters. You can't just marry 761 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,680 Speaker 3: anybody thinking that you're going to always take care of yourself. Financially, 762 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,600 Speaker 3: because chances are you're not going to want to you're 763 00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:51,160 Speaker 3: going to want to step out for a season. So 764 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:55,120 Speaker 3: who you get with matters, and don't make decisions based 765 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,680 Speaker 3: on two incomes instead of one, because that's going to 766 00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:00,200 Speaker 3: put you in a pickle later. So it's really all 767 00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:04,000 Speaker 3: about that financial, relational, professional decisions that sets you up 768 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:07,480 Speaker 3: to win. And if you're in your thirties when you're 769 00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:10,200 Speaker 3: reading it and that didn't work out, I mean you 770 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,840 Speaker 3: didn't do it that way. You're not doomed. There is 771 00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,840 Speaker 3: a way to still prioritize family, but it's going to 772 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,319 Speaker 3: be harder for sure if you didn't do any of that. 773 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,719 Speaker 3: I mean, I can't deny that. But that doesn't mean 774 00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:26,160 Speaker 3: you're doomed. You can still make decisions later to rebuild 775 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:29,320 Speaker 3: your life, so to speak, so that the priority is 776 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,200 Speaker 3: what what you find that you wanted to be down 777 00:38:33,239 --> 00:38:35,360 Speaker 3: the line, which is different from what you wanted probably 778 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:36,359 Speaker 3: previous to that. 779 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,799 Speaker 2: So this is a resource for people if you are 780 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,880 Speaker 2: young and you are starting to build your life. But 781 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,600 Speaker 2: I also think it's a resource to moms and dads 782 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:47,440 Speaker 2: who want to figure out how to have those conversations 783 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:50,960 Speaker 2: and not have what the last generation left us with 784 00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:54,879 Speaker 2: in some cases, but have an opportunity to be able 785 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:58,239 Speaker 2: to have those conversations. And by no means do I 786 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:00,480 Speaker 2: am I saying this because I'm saying, oh, we were 787 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,399 Speaker 2: in some way failed, But I do think that there 788 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,799 Speaker 2: was a culture that was less likely to kind of 789 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,960 Speaker 2: push these are the hardships that you can have because 790 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:11,719 Speaker 2: I think that, well, my grandparents' generation, for sure, you 791 00:39:11,719 --> 00:39:14,760 Speaker 2: didn't talk about your hardships. You never talked about things 792 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:17,800 Speaker 2: that were bad. It was like you shove those aside 793 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,560 Speaker 2: and you had to make put on a good face. 794 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,920 Speaker 2: And I think that that we've gotten away from that, 795 00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:27,120 Speaker 2: still a little bit in my parents' generation, but our generation, 796 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,680 Speaker 2: maybe we have the opportunity to pass along to our kids. 797 00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,080 Speaker 2: You know, life is tough, and there are ways that 798 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,880 Speaker 2: you can work on it in different in different avenues 799 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,759 Speaker 2: and through different mindsets. And maybe your mindset is that 800 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:43,080 Speaker 2: you are going to be this super career person, but 801 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:46,200 Speaker 2: then you probably also if you're a super career woman, 802 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,680 Speaker 2: you're probably also not going to be able to be 803 00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:50,120 Speaker 2: home with your kids all the time. 804 00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:51,480 Speaker 1: So I mean there is compromise. 805 00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:55,400 Speaker 2: Life is compromise, trade offs, trade offs, So where do 806 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:56,160 Speaker 2: they find it again? 807 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:58,960 Speaker 3: Oh, they can find it anywhere books are sold how 808 00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:01,080 Speaker 3: to Build a Better Life where they could go to Actually, 809 00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:03,560 Speaker 3: there is a site how to Build a Better lifebook 810 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:04,880 Speaker 3: dot com. 811 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:07,719 Speaker 2: Awesome, Suzanne, thank you so much for sharing, Thanks for 812 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,799 Speaker 2: having me absolutely I loved it, and thank you all 813 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:14,120 Speaker 2: for joining us on this episode of the Tutor Dixon Podcast. 814 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,560 Speaker 2: For this episode and others, check out Tutordison podcast dot 815 00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,960 Speaker 2: com or go to the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 816 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:23,399 Speaker 2: wherever you get your podcasts and join us next time. 817 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:24,280 Speaker 1: Have a blessing.