Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production
Speaker 1: of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. When you are
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you're acting like you don't know
Speaker 1: what you do, know, that is going to be a problem.
Speaker 1: When you know what you want to do, when you
Speaker 1: know what time it is, but you want to sit
Speaker 1: around acting like there's something you don't know it is
Speaker 1: going to bite you. It's gonna bite you. And we
Speaker 1: do that because so very often it's hard for us,
Speaker 1: particularly women, to say I made a mistake. Well, I've
Speaker 1: got some good news for you. Not only can you
Speaker 1: say it, but when you say it, there is life
Speaker 1: on the other side. Both of my callers today are
Speaker 1: going to show us just that that there's life on
Speaker 1: the other side of acknowledging you're made a mistake. Take
Speaker 1: a listen. Greetings for love it. Welcome to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling in today. Now, what is your
Speaker 1: relationship issue? Challenged dilemma that we can chew on for
Speaker 1: a little.
Speaker 2: While, Thank you, ma'am. Currently, I'm struggling with lack of
Speaker 2: intimacy in my relationship. The issue also is that you
Speaker 2: my husband and I we met in the military and
Speaker 2: the Air Force. Then we I think we got married
Speaker 2: twenty seven it's almost going to be nine years. And
Speaker 2: the issue is I didn't know I had unresolved ADHD.
Speaker 2: And it was him who realized it because we had
Speaker 2: such a fault in our relationship because he wasn't able
Speaker 2: to communicate with me. But once he found out what
Speaker 2: I had, he thought I was like a disability, because
Speaker 2: you know, most of the time you'll say, well, you know,
Speaker 2: it's like you have cancer and I can't leave thee
Speaker 2: with cancer. That's how he compares it. And so I
Speaker 2: did the work. You know, I watched your show before
Speaker 2: I had money for therapy. I went to therapy, did EMDR.
Speaker 2: I did everything that he told me that I needed
Speaker 2: to fix. In order for him to feel vulnerable enough
Speaker 2: to open himself, he wanted me to work on myself,
Speaker 2: and so last year was I pretty much told myself,
Speaker 2: this isn't going anywhere. And we looked at divorce, and
Speaker 2: then I think one he saw that I actually put
Speaker 2: in the effort to make it happen. He convinced me
Speaker 2: not to do it and to continue working on our relationships.
Speaker 2: And every time I bring it up, Pee'll tell me
Speaker 2: something that isn't right with me the sentences. Until you
Speaker 2: resolve this, I can't give you this, which is intimacy.
Speaker 2: You know. He's not a hugger, he's not very touchy feely,
Speaker 2: but that is my love language, you know. And recently
Speaker 2: I said, Okay, done the work, I'm here, I'm your partner.
Speaker 2: But what is it now? And he said, well, you
Speaker 2: have to be consistent. Consistency is not your thing. And
Speaker 2: once we get there, then I can actually trust that
Speaker 2: I can open myself up to you. And I feel
Speaker 2: almost as if this is going in a circle. And
Speaker 2: I'm not scared to leave him. I'm just scared to
Speaker 2: miss out on a great man. He's helped me, he's
Speaker 2: been there for me. I've gotten to a point where
Speaker 2: I love myself so much that I don't respect myself
Speaker 2: with dealing with this, and I feel like I need
Speaker 2: help maybe communicating to him this without making him feel
Speaker 2: defensive or redirecting me if that makes sense.
Speaker 1: M thank you for sharing that. So I have a
Speaker 1: very pointed and specific question. I heard you say there's
Speaker 1: a lack of intimacy in your relationship. What does that mean?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, that means no touching, no hugging, no not
Speaker 2: even holding hands. When we watch TV together, we just
Speaker 2: sit in the couch. That's a big one.
Speaker 1: Is there sex?
Speaker 2: I would initiate it, but nine out of ten times
Speaker 2: he would say no. So when he introduces sex, I
Speaker 2: would welcome it because i've I would almost be throw
Speaker 2: where the young people say thirsty for.
Speaker 1: It, bere hungry.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But then I want to say, three weeks now,
Speaker 2: I haven't even tried. I'm almost like shut down because
Speaker 2: I don't I don't even want that, and he hasn't either. Honest,
Speaker 2: we've both been pretty hands off, and I feel like
Speaker 2: we're going even worse. I don't know worse path Like
Speaker 2: when I would ask him, why don't you leave me?
Speaker 2: Why don't you find someone who's consistent or you know,
Speaker 2: no mental health issues, He's like, well, because you have
Speaker 2: a disability. The only reason why he says he's with
Speaker 2: me is because I constantly work every day to become
Speaker 2: a better person.
Speaker 1: Okay, so what degree does he have that gets him
Speaker 1: to determine that you're disabled?
Speaker 2: He has a psychology degree.
Speaker 1: Oh yum, oh yum. Yeah, Okay, I want to bring
Speaker 1: back to your awareness something that you said and let
Speaker 1: us chew on it for just a little bit. Okay. Yes,
Speaker 1: he wanted me to work on myself so he would
Speaker 1: feel vulnerable. Did I hear you say that?
Speaker 2: Yes, So he wanted me to focus on, you know,
Speaker 2: my unblesolve trauma, which I did. I'm there, become more aware,
Speaker 2: and then focus on being consistent in order for him
Speaker 2: to feel comfortable, I guess to trust me and to
Speaker 2: feel vulnerable, to let his hair down.
Speaker 1: Now, you may have trauma and ADHD, but you did
Speaker 1: serve in the military, so I'm willing to be wrong.
Speaker 1: But there is a part of me that senses you
Speaker 1: know that is absolutely crazy. Oh, yes, that you gonna
Speaker 1: work on yourself so he can have an experience within himself.
Speaker 1: Is that what you're saying to me?
Speaker 2: That's what I'm hearing from you. But I think I've
Speaker 2: convinced myself. I've convinced myself that it made sense because
Speaker 2: I did have a lot of those issues. You know,
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: Care if you had green bookers hanging out your notes,
Speaker 1: blowing your nose was not gonna make him feel no different.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you this, my beloved, What are
Speaker 1: you acting like you don't know? Start here? I'm acting
Speaker 1: like I don't know that.
Speaker 2: Things are not going to change.
Speaker 1: Okay, and that makes me.
Speaker 2: Feel That makes me feel sad.
Speaker 1: Yeah? What else? What else are you acting like you
Speaker 1: don't know? I'm acting like I don't know.
Speaker 2: Things that's never about me.
Speaker 1: Yes, take a break, and that makes me feel one.
Speaker 2: End.
Speaker 1: Thank you for telling the truth, because the truth will
Speaker 1: set you free. What else are you acting like you
Speaker 1: don't know?
Speaker 2: I don't need him.
Speaker 1: You may want him, I do, but you don't need him, right? Yeah?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: I want chocolate covered almonds all the time. I love
Speaker 1: chocolate covered arms, milk chocolate. I don't like dark chalcol
Speaker 1: But I know if I continue to buy that big
Speaker 1: old jar that they sell in the home goods that
Speaker 1: you can get for five ninety nine it's got about
Speaker 1: a thousand chocolate almonds in there, that me and my
Speaker 1: butt are not gonna be good friends. I have to
Speaker 1: work with myself because I want him, but I know
Speaker 1: I don't need him. What else are you acting like?
Speaker 1: You don't know?
Speaker 2: My love? I know I can leave, all right. My
Speaker 2: actions have been I go in the room knowing I
Speaker 2: want to fire him, and then in some kind of
Speaker 2: way I leave, like renewing his contract.
Speaker 1: That's a good analogy, and that's because you're looking at
Speaker 1: what he brings to you and not what you bring
Speaker 1: to him. Clearly, you bring faith and trust. Clearly you
Speaker 1: bring courage to the table, and what he brings to
Speaker 1: the table is what's wrong with you. He has as
Speaker 1: money problems as you do. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: No, Now, otherwise you wouldn't have attracted each other. The
Speaker 1: woman who he married is not who you are today,
Speaker 1: and he's not honoring who you are today.
Speaker 2: I think that's why I feel thick sometimes when I
Speaker 2: know I'm living the day to day that I don't
Speaker 2: feel good about. Yeah, but I must confess I almost
Speaker 2: hate myself for feeling weak when he speaks almost as
Speaker 2: what he says is gold. Does that makes sense?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Oh wait a minute, I've been there. I've been
Speaker 1: on that step. Yeah, I had a little condo on
Speaker 1: the step of his opinion it's more important than mine.
Speaker 1: I've been on that step. Yeah, And what I'm hearing
Speaker 1: in your sharing is that you are focusing on leaving
Speaker 1: him rather than standing up for you. So, as opposed
Speaker 1: to how can I leave him? I would offer you
Speaker 1: to consider how can I stand up for all this
Speaker 1: work I've done and who I am?
Speaker 2: Now? Yeah, I agree. I hear it in my chest
Speaker 2: because I work so hard to stand up to family
Speaker 2: members other people who have made me feel inferior, and
Speaker 2: it seems like I can't do that with him, almost
Speaker 2: as if I feel owed to him, you.
Speaker 1: Know, because you're looking at what he has brought to
Speaker 1: the table, rather than the fact that your life is
Speaker 1: your table and only you get to say who sits there.
Speaker 1: I want to challenge you a bit on something I
Speaker 1: just heard you say that you've done the work to
Speaker 1: stand up to family members who've done things to you.
Speaker 2: Is that right? Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: So I always have this little piece of paper that
Speaker 1: I scribble on when people are talking. Would I be
Speaker 1: accurate if I were to say that somewhere in there
Speaker 1: you have a damaged goods story, that you're damaged goods?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And so this guy continues to point
Speaker 1: out the ways in which you're damaged, how you're damaged,
Speaker 1: and how your damage is impacting him. And because you
Speaker 1: believe that story. How old is that story? Is she five?
Speaker 1: Is she seven? Is she twelve? How old is the
Speaker 1: damaged Goods girl?
Speaker 2: Oh? As long as our marriage.
Speaker 1: Before the marriage through the family? How old is she?
Speaker 1: Somewhere around seven?
Speaker 3: Nine?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah? Nine? Yeah? My parent the parents.
Speaker 1: Okay, see, so I'm onto something here. So what do
Speaker 1: we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the conversation. I want to talk to the little girl
Speaker 1: who thinks she's damaged Goods. Okay, hi, sweetie, aren't you precious?
Speaker 1: I know nobody's probably told you that, but you are precious.
Speaker 1: And not only are you precious, you are strong and
Speaker 1: you are brave and I have to say, quite beautiful.
Speaker 1: And I know things have been rough for you and
Speaker 1: hard for you, but I want you to know that
Speaker 1: I know who you're going to be, and you're going
Speaker 1: to do a lot of work for yourself and on
Speaker 1: yourself to heal up all of this stuff. So I
Speaker 1: want to give you permission to be powerful and strong. Sure,
Speaker 1: you've had some damaging things happen to you, and it's
Speaker 1: not your fault, but it's your responsibility to step into
Speaker 1: your power and your strength and your courage. I know
Speaker 1: a lady who's going to help you do it, So
Speaker 1: you just wrestle and let her take over, because she's
Speaker 1: got some things that she has to do right now
Speaker 1: to keep y'all safe. And one of those things may
Speaker 1: be moving or changing where you live and who you
Speaker 1: live with. But don't worry. You're all are going to
Speaker 1: be able to do this together. But you gotta let
Speaker 1: her lead. Take a breath with me, ah, I want
Speaker 1: that nine year old to let you lead, because when
Speaker 1: he starts telling you how damaged you are and what
Speaker 1: else you need to work on, she takes dominion. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense to you? You know what to do.
Speaker 1: I'm never going to advocate to somebody you got to
Speaker 1: leave your marriage. I will always advocate specifically to women
Speaker 1: that you have to stand for yourself and you have
Speaker 1: to honor yourself if you expect anybody else to do it. Now,
Speaker 1: wouldn't you like to one day just go to Victorious
Speaker 1: Secret and buy you a hot little red nightie and
Speaker 1: some little red furry pumps and come home and have
Speaker 1: somebody rock your world. Wouldn't you like that.
Speaker 2: Very much?
Speaker 1: Ma'am here, don't deny yourself the privilege you deserve it.
Speaker 1: What if universe of life and all of its wisdom
Speaker 1: brought you this man as your teacher to help you
Speaker 1: see and recognize and understand the things you needed to
Speaker 1: work on. What if that was his only purpose? You're
Speaker 1: going to stay in this class forever.
Speaker 2: I think I wanted to. I'm crazy.
Speaker 1: No, you didn't know. Now you have new information. You
Speaker 1: have information that this was never about you. You have
Speaker 1: the information that he's trying to make you responsible for
Speaker 1: his internal turmoil. And because he has a psychology degree,
Speaker 1: so what But I want to say this to you
Speaker 1: also because I hear the hesitancy and questioning. Create your
Speaker 1: exit strategy. You were in the military, and if you
Speaker 1: were going into battle or you were going into it
Speaker 1: unfriendly territory, you had to have a strategy. Yeah, So
Speaker 1: create your exit strategy in your mind and work with it,
Speaker 1: and work with it, and work with it until you're
Speaker 1: ready to execute that strategy and extract yourself from the enemy.
Speaker 2: Territory that makes sense.
Speaker 1: And the enemy territory is not him. The enemy territory
Speaker 1: is any place that doesn't honor your power, your strength,
Speaker 1: your courage, your faith and trust that you put in yourself.
Speaker 1: Create a next strategy and create the vision to have
Speaker 1: somebody who would appreciate your red hot titty from Victoria's
Speaker 1: secret in your furry red pumps. That's gonna be your
Speaker 1: next duty assignment to find that person. Yeah, be gentle,
Speaker 1: be easy, take your time. You're not rushing, you're not running.
Speaker 1: You ain't had no nookie in three weeks. You can
Speaker 1: go another three all four or six or nine or
Speaker 1: whatever it takes, makes sense.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, because I think in the past I would
Speaker 2: have just gone to him, like after a therapy session,
Speaker 2: I'd go to him. I'm like, why don't you do this?
Speaker 2: Why don't you do this? And I think it would
Speaker 2: end up in that cycle. If you're saying, come to
Speaker 2: him when I'm ready to go, Yeah.
Speaker 1: You got to be ready. So let me give you
Speaker 1: a battle cry. Here it is. I'm done. I'm done. God,
Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done. No explanation, no story, that's it.
Speaker 1: I'm done. This is what I'm doing. I don't know
Speaker 1: what you're doing. Give me one good. I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's what I'm talking about. I want you to
Speaker 1: put that on and wear it until it fits like
Speaker 1: a glove. Okay, yes, ma'am, all right for love it.
Speaker 1: Let me hear from you. Okay, will be well.
Speaker 2: Thank you, man, be too, Okay, bye.
Speaker 1: Hear me loud and clear. There is never anything you
Speaker 1: can do to make someone else feel better about themselves.
Speaker 1: Let me say that again. There is never anything you
Speaker 1: can do to make anyone feel better about themselves. And
Speaker 1: if they are requesting, requiring, demanding that you change so
Speaker 1: they can feel better, baby, they are playing you just
Speaker 1: like a fiddle. Note to file. Okay, there is never
Speaker 1: anything you can do to make anyone else feel better
Speaker 1: about themselves. I've got another caller, same problem, different angle.
Speaker 1: Somebody here is acting like they don't know what they
Speaker 1: do know. Take a listen, Hi, Gerrol, Welcome to the
Speaker 1: rspot and what is the challenge issue dilemma that you
Speaker 1: are facing today that we can nibble on together.
Speaker 3: First, I want to say thank you so much for
Speaker 3: taking my call. My dilemma is that I've been in
Speaker 3: a relationship with my husband for eleven years. We've been
Speaker 3: married for four years, and we essentially grew up together.
Speaker 3: We met in our twenties and here we are eleven
Speaker 3: years later, and I feel like I'm growing, I'm continuing
Speaker 3: to grow, and he's still stagnant and hasn't improved his
Speaker 3: ability to be more emotionally intelligent and be present with
Speaker 3: me in the relationship so that we can grow together.
Speaker 3: And it's been one sided for so long. I'm at
Speaker 3: a place now where I feel like it's probably time
Speaker 3: for me to file for divorce. I'm scared to do that.
Speaker 3: I'm terrified to do that, but I feel like in
Speaker 3: order for me to be happy and for me to
Speaker 3: continue to grow, this may be something that I have
Speaker 3: to do.
Speaker 1: Okay, do you have children? Do you all have children together?
Speaker 3: We don't have any children. We have two dogs who
Speaker 3: I prefer to all my children, but no, no children
Speaker 3: at all.
Speaker 1: Okay, it is one sided. Tell me more about that.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? I heard you say he hasn't
Speaker 1: improved and it's been one sided. So let's deal with
Speaker 1: the one sided first.
Speaker 3: Okay. When I say one sided, whenever we have a disagreement,
Speaker 3: he will completely shut down. He won't talk to me.
Speaker 3: If I try to talk to him, he'll give me
Speaker 3: the silent treatment. And I'm the one that has to
Speaker 3: reach out to him. In order for us to get
Speaker 3: any results. It has to be me that initiates the
Speaker 3: conversation or initiates the apology that I don't necessarily think
Speaker 3: I have to give. But it's always me that has
Speaker 3: to be the one to initiate that in order for
Speaker 3: us to at least attempt to get back to good terms.
Speaker 3: And it's been like that for so long that I
Speaker 3: I'm sick of doing it. I don't want to take
Speaker 3: accountability for my wrongdoing if he's not gonna do the same.
Speaker 1: Okay, let me ask you a question. Do you know
Speaker 1: his love language?
Speaker 3: He is a physical touch. That's his love.
Speaker 1: Language, okay, And what is yours?
Speaker 3: My love language is acts of kindness?
Speaker 1: Okay? And do you get that from him?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: For so many years, I've been the one that's been
Speaker 3: pouring into him and supporting him. Even in the household.
Speaker 3: I'm the one that does the cooking, the cleaning, I
Speaker 3: take care of our dogs, I take care of the
Speaker 3: household in general. And he just sits back and allows
Speaker 3: me to do that. But because my love language is
Speaker 3: different from his, he doesn't feel like I give him
Speaker 3: what he needs when it comes to physical touch. But
Speaker 3: because I work all day and come home and have
Speaker 3: to clock in and do another shift. By doing all
Speaker 3: the things around the house, I'm tired. We don't even
Speaker 3: have any kids, and I'm exhausted by the end of
Speaker 3: the day. So physical touch is a lasting on my mind.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question, have you made room
Speaker 1: for him to step up?
Speaker 3: To be honest, I don't know if I know how
Speaker 3: to give him the room to step up because he's
Speaker 3: failed me so many times.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? He failed me so many times?
Speaker 1: What does that mean.
Speaker 3: He's let me down? Like if he tells me he's
Speaker 3: going to do something and doesn't do it, I feel
Speaker 3: like that's a letdown for me. And because he does
Speaker 3: that often, I haven't felt comfortable or even if I
Speaker 3: know how to allow him the space to step up.
Speaker 1: Can I offer some suggestions?
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Eat out, don't cook, that's a real simple one. Bring
Speaker 1: your dinner home in a bag, come home, feed the dogs,
Speaker 1: walk the dogs, whatever, that's it. Wash your clothes, don't
Speaker 1: wash his make up, your side of the bed, don't
Speaker 1: make up his leave the dust bunnies till they just
Speaker 1: have children and they're hopping all over the house.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, that's gonna be so hard for me
Speaker 3: because I hate clutter.
Speaker 1: Well, that's okay, that's okay. You're either gonna leave this
Speaker 1: marriage or you're gonna make it Liverpool. Yeah, stop cooking,
Speaker 1: stop shopping, stop doing laundry. Stop it. Give him the
Speaker 1: space to step up. And if he asks you are
Speaker 1: you cooking and say, oh, no, you know how to cook.
Speaker 1: I've been doing it all these years. It's time for
Speaker 1: you to do it. Tell him to watch beat Bobby Flay.
Speaker 1: He'll learn some tricks. Make the room for him to
Speaker 1: step up. You're complaining that he hasn't stepped up, but
Speaker 1: you're also complaining that you're doing everything. Where is he
Speaker 1: supposed to get in? Yeah, he don't want to talk
Speaker 1: to you. Don't talk to him. Don't talk to him.
Speaker 3: I have done that. I've made the decision to stop talking.
Speaker 3: And the thing is he can go days, weeks, maybe
Speaker 3: even a month without addressing the issue, without speaking to me.
Speaker 3: And it's like, if you can do that to your wife,
Speaker 3: I don't know what to expect from you in the future.
Speaker 3: If you can do that to me now at.
Speaker 1: Nothing, don't expect anything. He don't want to talk to you.
Speaker 1: Three days in, pack your bags and go to the hotel. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean really, I want you to be careful about
Speaker 1: the spiritual arrogance of I've grown and he hasn't. Well,
Speaker 1: he didn't sign up to grow. That ain't what he
Speaker 1: signed up for. Yeah, you decided to grow, and your
Speaker 1: paths may be different. So don't be arrogant enough to
Speaker 1: think that because you've done it, he needs to do it.
Speaker 1: You can still love him and have a great relationship
Speaker 1: with him, and if he's barely lit and dimly glowing,
Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, But don't measure
Speaker 1: his progress based on your progress, because that's not what's
Speaker 1: going to make the marriage. You all been together eleven years,
Speaker 1: so you were seven years in when you said I
Speaker 1: do So either you saw things and you thought you
Speaker 1: could change them, or you didn't see these things, and
Speaker 1: now they've come to your awareness and you get to choose.
Speaker 1: So what are you choosing? Are you choosing to just
Speaker 1: go or are you choosing to make the marriage work.
Speaker 1: I have a solution for you, and you are probably
Speaker 1: not going to like it. Are you ready?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back.
Speaker 1: I am y. I'm learing this is the R spot.
Speaker 1: You may be able to inspire him a couple of
Speaker 1: hungry days. Oh you want me to cook? I don't
Speaker 1: cook for people that don't speak to me. Sorry, you
Speaker 1: wash your own clothes. I can't wash clothes with somebody
Speaker 1: that would be violent enough to walk around in my
Speaker 1: house and don't speak to me. I can't wash your clothes.
Speaker 1: I'll feed the dogs.
Speaker 3: Yeah. May I ask a question?
Speaker 1: Sure? Absolutely?
Speaker 3: How do I find the courage to please if I'm
Speaker 3: not wanting to make the marriage work? If I've met
Speaker 3: my endpoint and I met wits end coming from a
Speaker 3: family that was broken and my parents split up, and
Speaker 3: the fear of repeating that past.
Speaker 1: But it's broken, it's broken. What are you afraid of?
Speaker 1: You sitting in it? It's broke, it's already broken.
Speaker 3: It is. But I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of
Speaker 3: admitting to myself that it didn't work.
Speaker 1: Stop right there, it didn't work, Say that it didn't work.
Speaker 3: It didn't work.
Speaker 1: My marriage didn't work.
Speaker 3: My marriage didn't work.
Speaker 1: Okay, try this one. Oh damn, my marriage did not work.
Speaker 1: Say that one.
Speaker 3: Oh damn, my marriage did not work.
Speaker 1: Okay. What did your parents have to do with this?
Speaker 1: That don't have nothing to do with this? Stop that.
Speaker 1: Springing to the present moment. And what's in the present moment, beloved,
Speaker 1: what's right here in your face, in the present moment
Speaker 1: with you and the two dogs. Are y'all gonna split
Speaker 1: the dogs up? He take one and you take the other,
Speaker 1: and y'all gonna do that.
Speaker 3: I have already come to the conclusion that I may
Speaker 3: not be able to take my dogs with me. I
Speaker 3: don't want them to be separated, because I don't want
Speaker 3: them to be sad, but I want happiness for myself.
Speaker 1: But let me just say this, because I've studied this.
Speaker 1: I've got two Pomeranians, peace and freedom, and they love
Speaker 1: each other. They jump with the two girls, and they
Speaker 1: hump on each other.
Speaker 2: I don't know what they do, and I don't know
Speaker 2: if they having.
Speaker 1: Such sexual identity crisis. I don't know what the problem is.
Speaker 1: But one of the things that my vet told me
Speaker 1: is dogs don't feel emotion. M you can beat a
Speaker 1: dog like people who abuse their dogs and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: But if that owner showed up today with some food
Speaker 1: or a treat, the dog would go right back to
Speaker 1: the same person. Dogs don't have emotions, so stop it
Speaker 1: with I don't want them to miss each They ain't
Speaker 1: gonna miss each other. You would miss seeing them together.
Speaker 1: But do you want the dogs? Do you want to
Speaker 1: take the two dogs?
Speaker 3: I would love to take them.
Speaker 1: You feed them, and you know what you can say
Speaker 1: to him. I'm afraid that you do to them what
Speaker 1: you did to me. Ignore them. I'm not leaving them
Speaker 1: with you. Yeah, oops, it ain't working. Say that.
Speaker 3: Ooh, it ain't working.
Speaker 1: And if you're telling me that you are cooking and
Speaker 1: cleaning and taking care of a man who would be
Speaker 1: violent enough not to speak to you, a man who
Speaker 1: doesn't know how to honor your love language, then you've
Speaker 1: already failed. So get over it, right, get over it?
Speaker 1: And I say it lightly, but I also take it
Speaker 1: to heart. I understand where you are. Your position is,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do what my parents did, so
Speaker 1: don't do what your parents did. Do something else, call
Speaker 1: it something else. Yeah, they failed. That marriage is standing
Speaker 1: up for yourself.
Speaker 3: You're right you're right.
Speaker 1: I want to be helpful and supportive and give you
Speaker 1: another perspective.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and you have done that for sure.
Speaker 1: Because you acting like you don't know this is over
Speaker 1: for whatever reason.
Speaker 3: And the sad thing for me is when we are good,
Speaker 3: we're good.
Speaker 1: That's like grits. Yeah, when they're hot and the butter
Speaker 1: melts come on, you know it. You can't eat that.
Speaker 1: They crussed up in the pot and the butter isn't.
Speaker 1: It's like grits. When it's good, it's good. When it ain't,
Speaker 1: it ain't.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm sick of trying to fix bad grits.
Speaker 1: Okay, because you know, if you add more water and
Speaker 1: start the storm, they're gonna get lumpy.
Speaker 3: It makes it worse.
Speaker 1: That's right. Take your dogs and get up out of there,
Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do. Yeah, because what if.
Speaker 1: And here's the piece that we so often forget in relationships.
Speaker 1: Whatever you're feeling, he's feeling too. We think that we're
Speaker 1: in the relationship alone, that this is our experience. So
Speaker 1: you're saying it's one sided for you, he's probably saying
Speaker 1: it's so one sided for him. He's not getting with
Speaker 1: he wants. You're saying I'm not getting with what I want.
Speaker 1: Your partner feels it the same way. But perhaps he
Speaker 1: doesn't have the courage to leave. He may be afraid
Speaker 1: to leave because he don't know how to cook, and
Speaker 1: if you're gone, you're gonna have to cook for himself.
Speaker 1: We don't know why. But don't think for him, think
Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, that's saying you're scared. You're not scared.
Speaker 1: You're punk by that punk some pumps and get on
Speaker 1: up out of death.
Speaker 3: I don't want to be a punk anymore. Just I'm
Speaker 3: seeking happiness and I just want to be happy. I
Speaker 3: can't remember the last time that I've been explicitly happy.
Speaker 3: That's bad for me, and that's what I'm trying to
Speaker 3: get bad. Yeah, I want to be happy with him,
Speaker 3: But if he can't do that, and like you said,
Speaker 3: it's violent enough to be able to be in the
Speaker 3: same residence with me and not speak to me, that's
Speaker 3: not where I can be happy.
Speaker 1: I would encourage you to do what is required. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you want to stay, Like I said, there are
Speaker 1: ways that you can push the envelope and force his hand.
Speaker 1: It's not good or bad, right or wrong, it's working
Speaker 1: and not working? Is this working for you? And if
Speaker 1: it's not, what do you plan to do about that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: So, if it's not working and you stay, no whining,
Speaker 1: no complaining, keep your mouth shut and suck it up.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And if it's not working and you choose to leave,
Speaker 1: create your exit strategy in your mind. Activate it and
Speaker 1: get all your ducks in a row, your resources. Who's
Speaker 1: getting the house, who's getting the dog, who's getting the
Speaker 1: electric skillet? And then you know, get you some pumps,
Speaker 1: put them on the punk and get up out of there.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: No, go with no panties. Go with no panties and
Speaker 1: be on the market for a random act of kndness.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, I can do that.
Speaker 1: Yes, leave your marriage without your panties. It's called leave
Speaker 1: your drawers behind.
Speaker 3: I do, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Yes, does? And remember my marriage didn't work. Oops, you'll
Speaker 1: get an endless supply duovers and you will get a
Speaker 1: do over if you don't have no pants. Tell me
Speaker 1: something you know now that you didn't know when you called.
Speaker 1: Just one good thing you know now that you didn't
Speaker 1: know when you called.
Speaker 3: Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I'm a failure fam.
Speaker 3: It just didn't work, and I can't compare what is
Speaker 3: going on with me currently to what happened with my
Speaker 3: parents in the past. We're not the same. It's not
Speaker 3: the same.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not the same. Good for you. Look at that.
Speaker 1: You didn't even have to call me. You could have
Speaker 1: did that by yourself.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Now all right, baby, bye bye. I want to state
Speaker 1: this because both of my callers today took me to
Speaker 1: a place that I always want to be mindful of.
Speaker 1: It's that relationships are so important in our lives. They
Speaker 1: are so very important. Relationships are our salvation, if you will.
Speaker 1: Relationships are the place that we go to heal. So
Speaker 1: I never want to advocate the end of a relationship. However,
Speaker 1: I will always be a staunch, vigilant, ruthless advocate for
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself because your relationship with yourself is
Speaker 1: the template from which you will build all relationship. So
Speaker 1: while it may sound like I'm saying leave, leave, leave,
Speaker 1: I'm really saying go, go, go, go deeper into your
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. And if that means sometimes we have
Speaker 1: to walk away, well then I'm all for it. Thank
Speaker 1: you for joining us for another episode of the r
Speaker 1: Spot see you real soon and in the meantime, stay
Speaker 1: in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.