1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:06,120 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,959 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production 6 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 1: of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. When you are 7 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: in a relationship and you're acting like you don't know 8 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:47,640 Speaker 1: what you do, know, that is going to be a problem. 9 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:50,559 Speaker 1: When you know what you want to do, when you 10 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:53,320 Speaker 1: know what time it is, but you want to sit 11 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 1: around acting like there's something you don't know it is 12 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 1: going to bite you. It's gonna bite you. And we 13 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: do that because so very often it's hard for us, 14 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:13,680 Speaker 1: particularly women, to say I made a mistake. Well, I've 15 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,880 Speaker 1: got some good news for you. Not only can you 16 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: say it, but when you say it, there is life 17 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: on the other side. Both of my callers today are 18 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,560 Speaker 1: going to show us just that that there's life on 19 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:34,400 Speaker 1: the other side of acknowledging you're made a mistake. Take 20 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:39,480 Speaker 1: a listen. Greetings for love it. Welcome to the R Spot. 21 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling in today. Now, what is your 22 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,680 Speaker 1: relationship issue? Challenged dilemma that we can chew on for 23 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: a little. 24 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 2: While, Thank you, ma'am. Currently, I'm struggling with lack of 25 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:55,760 Speaker 2: intimacy in my relationship. The issue also is that you 26 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 2: my husband and I we met in the military and 27 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,480 Speaker 2: the Air Force. Then we I think we got married 28 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 2: twenty seven it's almost going to be nine years. And 29 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:09,519 Speaker 2: the issue is I didn't know I had unresolved ADHD. 30 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,960 Speaker 2: And it was him who realized it because we had 31 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 2: such a fault in our relationship because he wasn't able 32 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 2: to communicate with me. But once he found out what 33 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,959 Speaker 2: I had, he thought I was like a disability, because 34 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 2: you know, most of the time you'll say, well, you know, 35 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 2: it's like you have cancer and I can't leave thee 36 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 2: with cancer. That's how he compares it. And so I 37 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 2: did the work. You know, I watched your show before 38 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,359 Speaker 2: I had money for therapy. I went to therapy, did EMDR. 39 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 2: I did everything that he told me that I needed 40 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 2: to fix. In order for him to feel vulnerable enough 41 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 2: to open himself, he wanted me to work on myself, 42 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 2: and so last year was I pretty much told myself, 43 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 2: this isn't going anywhere. And we looked at divorce, and 44 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 2: then I think one he saw that I actually put 45 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,920 Speaker 2: in the effort to make it happen. He convinced me 46 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 2: not to do it and to continue working on our relationships. 47 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,680 Speaker 2: And every time I bring it up, Pee'll tell me 48 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 2: something that isn't right with me the sentences. Until you 49 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 2: resolve this, I can't give you this, which is intimacy. 50 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,960 Speaker 2: You know. He's not a hugger, he's not very touchy feely, 51 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 2: but that is my love language, you know. And recently 52 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 2: I said, Okay, done the work, I'm here, I'm your partner. 53 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,920 Speaker 2: But what is it now? And he said, well, you 54 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 2: have to be consistent. Consistency is not your thing. And 55 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,840 Speaker 2: once we get there, then I can actually trust that 56 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 2: I can open myself up to you. And I feel 57 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 2: almost as if this is going in a circle. And 58 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 2: I'm not scared to leave him. I'm just scared to 59 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,240 Speaker 2: miss out on a great man. He's helped me, he's 60 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 2: been there for me. I've gotten to a point where 61 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 2: I love myself so much that I don't respect myself 62 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 2: with dealing with this, and I feel like I need 63 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 2: help maybe communicating to him this without making him feel 64 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 2: defensive or redirecting me if that makes sense. 65 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 1: M thank you for sharing that. So I have a 66 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 1: very pointed and specific question. I heard you say there's 67 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:31,920 Speaker 1: a lack of intimacy in your relationship. What does that mean? 68 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, that means no touching, no hugging, no not 69 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,919 Speaker 2: even holding hands. When we watch TV together, we just 70 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,920 Speaker 2: sit in the couch. That's a big one. 71 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: Is there sex? 72 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,359 Speaker 2: I would initiate it, but nine out of ten times 73 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 2: he would say no. So when he introduces sex, I 74 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,800 Speaker 2: would welcome it because i've I would almost be throw 75 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 2: where the young people say thirsty for. 76 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,480 Speaker 1: It, bere hungry. 77 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, But then I want to say, three weeks now, 78 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 2: I haven't even tried. I'm almost like shut down because 79 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:12,599 Speaker 2: I don't I don't even want that, and he hasn't either. Honest, 80 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,359 Speaker 2: we've both been pretty hands off, and I feel like 81 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 2: we're going even worse. I don't know worse path Like 82 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,479 Speaker 2: when I would ask him, why don't you leave me? 83 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,680 Speaker 2: Why don't you find someone who's consistent or you know, 84 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 2: no mental health issues, He's like, well, because you have 85 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 2: a disability. The only reason why he says he's with 86 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,279 Speaker 2: me is because I constantly work every day to become 87 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:33,040 Speaker 2: a better person. 88 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:37,360 Speaker 1: Okay, so what degree does he have that gets him 89 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,599 Speaker 1: to determine that you're disabled? 90 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 2: He has a psychology degree. 91 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 1: Oh yum, oh yum. Yeah, Okay, I want to bring 92 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: back to your awareness something that you said and let 93 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,039 Speaker 1: us chew on it for just a little bit. Okay. Yes, 94 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:04,120 Speaker 1: he wanted me to work on myself so he would 95 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,840 Speaker 1: feel vulnerable. Did I hear you say that? 96 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 2: Yes, So he wanted me to focus on, you know, 97 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: my unblesolve trauma, which I did. I'm there, become more aware, 98 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,479 Speaker 2: and then focus on being consistent in order for him 99 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 2: to feel comfortable, I guess to trust me and to 100 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:26,359 Speaker 2: feel vulnerable, to let his hair down. 101 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,479 Speaker 1: Now, you may have trauma and ADHD, but you did 102 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,119 Speaker 1: serve in the military, so I'm willing to be wrong. 103 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 1: But there is a part of me that senses you 104 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: know that is absolutely crazy. Oh, yes, that you gonna 105 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 1: work on yourself so he can have an experience within himself. 106 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:52,960 Speaker 1: Is that what you're saying to me? 107 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 2: That's what I'm hearing from you. But I think I've 108 00:06:56,360 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 2: convinced myself. I've convinced myself that it made sense because 109 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 2: I did have a lot of those issues. You know, 110 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 2: I don't. 111 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,280 Speaker 1: Care if you had green bookers hanging out your notes, 112 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: blowing your nose was not gonna make him feel no different. 113 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: So let me ask you this, my beloved, What are 114 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: you acting like you don't know? Start here? I'm acting 115 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 1: like I don't know that. 116 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 2: Things are not going to change. 117 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 1: Okay, and that makes me. 118 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 2: Feel That makes me feel sad. 119 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: Yeah? What else? What else are you acting like you 120 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: don't know? I'm acting like I don't know. 121 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 2: Things that's never about me. 122 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: Yes, take a break, and that makes me feel one. 123 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 2: End. 124 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 1: Thank you for telling the truth, because the truth will 125 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: set you free. What else are you acting like you 126 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 1: don't know? 127 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 2: I don't need him. 128 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: You may want him, I do, but you don't need him, right? Yeah? 129 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 2: You know? 130 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: I want chocolate covered almonds all the time. I love 131 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: chocolate covered arms, milk chocolate. I don't like dark chalcol 132 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: But I know if I continue to buy that big 133 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,720 Speaker 1: old jar that they sell in the home goods that 134 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 1: you can get for five ninety nine it's got about 135 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,280 Speaker 1: a thousand chocolate almonds in there, that me and my 136 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:44,720 Speaker 1: butt are not gonna be good friends. I have to 137 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: work with myself because I want him, but I know 138 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 1: I don't need him. What else are you acting like? 139 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 1: You don't know? 140 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 2: My love? I know I can leave, all right. My 141 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 2: actions have been I go in the room knowing I 142 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 2: want to fire him, and then in some kind of 143 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 2: way I leave, like renewing his contract. 144 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: That's a good analogy, and that's because you're looking at 145 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 1: what he brings to you and not what you bring 146 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 1: to him. Clearly, you bring faith and trust. Clearly you 147 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 1: bring courage to the table, and what he brings to 148 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,160 Speaker 1: the table is what's wrong with you. He has as 149 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: money problems as you do. Would that be accurate? 150 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 2: Yes? 151 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:45,160 Speaker 1: No, Now, otherwise you wouldn't have attracted each other. The 152 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 1: woman who he married is not who you are today, 153 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: and he's not honoring who you are today. 154 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 2: I think that's why I feel thick sometimes when I 155 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 2: know I'm living the day to day that I don't 156 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 2: feel good about. Yeah, but I must confess I almost 157 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:10,119 Speaker 2: hate myself for feeling weak when he speaks almost as 158 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,680 Speaker 2: what he says is gold. Does that makes sense? 159 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,520 Speaker 1: Yeah? Oh wait a minute, I've been there. I've been 160 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: on that step. Yeah, I had a little condo on 161 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 1: the step of his opinion it's more important than mine. 162 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 1: I've been on that step. Yeah, And what I'm hearing 163 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 1: in your sharing is that you are focusing on leaving 164 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: him rather than standing up for you. So, as opposed 165 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,720 Speaker 1: to how can I leave him? I would offer you 166 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: to consider how can I stand up for all this 167 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 1: work I've done and who I am? 168 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,600 Speaker 2: Now? Yeah, I agree. I hear it in my chest 169 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:57,480 Speaker 2: because I work so hard to stand up to family 170 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:01,720 Speaker 2: members other people who have made me feel inferior, and 171 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,199 Speaker 2: it seems like I can't do that with him, almost 172 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,680 Speaker 2: as if I feel owed to him, you. 173 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:12,200 Speaker 1: Know, because you're looking at what he has brought to 174 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 1: the table, rather than the fact that your life is 175 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 1: your table and only you get to say who sits there. 176 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 1: I want to challenge you a bit on something I 177 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: just heard you say that you've done the work to 178 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: stand up to family members who've done things to you. 179 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 2: Is that right? Yes, ma'am. 180 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: So I always have this little piece of paper that 181 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: I scribble on when people are talking. Would I be 182 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,560 Speaker 1: accurate if I were to say that somewhere in there 183 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: you have a damaged goods story, that you're damaged goods? 184 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am? 185 00:11:55,559 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And so this guy continues to point 186 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: out the ways in which you're damaged, how you're damaged, 187 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:07,360 Speaker 1: and how your damage is impacting him. And because you 188 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,959 Speaker 1: believe that story. How old is that story? Is she five? 189 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 1: Is she seven? Is she twelve? How old is the 190 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:14,959 Speaker 1: damaged Goods girl? 191 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,839 Speaker 2: Oh? As long as our marriage. 192 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,839 Speaker 1: Before the marriage through the family? How old is she? 193 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 1: Somewhere around seven? 194 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:23,240 Speaker 3: Nine? 195 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah? Nine? Yeah? My parent the parents. 196 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: Okay, see, so I'm onto something here. So what do 197 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 1: we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. 198 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to 199 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,720 Speaker 1: the conversation. I want to talk to the little girl 200 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: who thinks she's damaged Goods. Okay, hi, sweetie, aren't you precious? 201 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 1: I know nobody's probably told you that, but you are precious. 202 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: And not only are you precious, you are strong and 203 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:13,479 Speaker 1: you are brave and I have to say, quite beautiful. 204 00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: And I know things have been rough for you and 205 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: hard for you, but I want you to know that 206 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: I know who you're going to be, and you're going 207 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: to do a lot of work for yourself and on 208 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 1: yourself to heal up all of this stuff. So I 209 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:39,640 Speaker 1: want to give you permission to be powerful and strong. Sure, 210 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 1: you've had some damaging things happen to you, and it's 211 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:51,120 Speaker 1: not your fault, but it's your responsibility to step into 212 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: your power and your strength and your courage. I know 213 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,959 Speaker 1: a lady who's going to help you do it, So 214 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:03,240 Speaker 1: you just wrestle and let her take over, because she's 215 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,520 Speaker 1: got some things that she has to do right now 216 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: to keep y'all safe. And one of those things may 217 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: be moving or changing where you live and who you 218 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: live with. But don't worry. You're all are going to 219 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: be able to do this together. But you gotta let 220 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: her lead. Take a breath with me, ah, I want 221 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 1: that nine year old to let you lead, because when 222 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,920 Speaker 1: he starts telling you how damaged you are and what 223 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: else you need to work on, she takes dominion. Does 224 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 1: that make sense to you? You know what to do. 225 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 1: I'm never going to advocate to somebody you got to 226 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:54,880 Speaker 1: leave your marriage. I will always advocate specifically to women 227 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: that you have to stand for yourself and you have 228 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: to honor yourself if you expect anybody else to do it. Now, 229 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 1: wouldn't you like to one day just go to Victorious 230 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: Secret and buy you a hot little red nightie and 231 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:18,720 Speaker 1: some little red furry pumps and come home and have 232 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: somebody rock your world. Wouldn't you like that. 233 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 2: Very much? 234 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:31,400 Speaker 1: Ma'am here, don't deny yourself the privilege you deserve it. 235 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: What if universe of life and all of its wisdom 236 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:41,360 Speaker 1: brought you this man as your teacher to help you 237 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: see and recognize and understand the things you needed to 238 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 1: work on. What if that was his only purpose? You're 239 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 1: going to stay in this class forever. 240 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 2: I think I wanted to. I'm crazy. 241 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 1: No, you didn't know. Now you have new information. You 242 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: have information that this was never about you. You have 243 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 1: the information that he's trying to make you responsible for 244 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:13,200 Speaker 1: his internal turmoil. And because he has a psychology degree, 245 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: so what But I want to say this to you 246 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:23,600 Speaker 1: also because I hear the hesitancy and questioning. Create your 247 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 1: exit strategy. You were in the military, and if you 248 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,360 Speaker 1: were going into battle or you were going into it 249 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 1: unfriendly territory, you had to have a strategy. Yeah, So 250 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:39,680 Speaker 1: create your exit strategy in your mind and work with it, 251 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,160 Speaker 1: and work with it, and work with it until you're 252 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:47,520 Speaker 1: ready to execute that strategy and extract yourself from the enemy. 253 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 2: Territory that makes sense. 254 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: And the enemy territory is not him. The enemy territory 255 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 1: is any place that doesn't honor your power, your strength, 256 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,680 Speaker 1: your courage, your faith and trust that you put in yourself. 257 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,640 Speaker 1: Create a next strategy and create the vision to have 258 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:17,680 Speaker 1: somebody who would appreciate your red hot titty from Victoria's 259 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:24,440 Speaker 1: secret in your furry red pumps. That's gonna be your 260 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 1: next duty assignment to find that person. Yeah, be gentle, 261 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 1: be easy, take your time. You're not rushing, you're not running. 262 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,840 Speaker 1: You ain't had no nookie in three weeks. You can 263 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:42,159 Speaker 1: go another three all four or six or nine or 264 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,560 Speaker 1: whatever it takes, makes sense. 265 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, because I think in the past I would 266 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:50,000 Speaker 2: have just gone to him, like after a therapy session, 267 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 2: I'd go to him. I'm like, why don't you do this? 268 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,240 Speaker 2: Why don't you do this? And I think it would 269 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:56,720 Speaker 2: end up in that cycle. If you're saying, come to 270 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 2: him when I'm ready to go, Yeah. 271 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: You got to be ready. So let me give you 272 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 1: a battle cry. Here it is. I'm done. I'm done. God, 273 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:14,600 Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done. No explanation, no story, that's it. 274 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,679 Speaker 1: I'm done. This is what I'm doing. I don't know 275 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 1: what you're doing. Give me one good. I'm done. 276 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,440 Speaker 2: I'm done. 277 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:27,639 Speaker 1: Okay, that's what I'm talking about. I want you to 278 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,439 Speaker 1: put that on and wear it until it fits like 279 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: a glove. Okay, yes, ma'am, all right for love it. 280 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 1: Let me hear from you. Okay, will be well. 281 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 2: Thank you, man, be too, Okay, bye. 282 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 1: Hear me loud and clear. There is never anything you 283 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,520 Speaker 1: can do to make someone else feel better about themselves. 284 00:18:55,200 --> 00:19:01,160 Speaker 1: Let me say that again. There is never anything you 285 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: can do to make anyone feel better about themselves. And 286 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: if they are requesting, requiring, demanding that you change so 287 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: they can feel better, baby, they are playing you just 288 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:22,639 Speaker 1: like a fiddle. Note to file. Okay, there is never 289 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: anything you can do to make anyone else feel better 290 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:30,399 Speaker 1: about themselves. I've got another caller, same problem, different angle. 291 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,760 Speaker 1: Somebody here is acting like they don't know what they 292 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:41,240 Speaker 1: do know. Take a listen, Hi, Gerrol, Welcome to the 293 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: rspot and what is the challenge issue dilemma that you 294 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: are facing today that we can nibble on together. 295 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 3: First, I want to say thank you so much for 296 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,399 Speaker 3: taking my call. My dilemma is that I've been in 297 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,959 Speaker 3: a relationship with my husband for eleven years. We've been 298 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:05,640 Speaker 3: married for four years, and we essentially grew up together. 299 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,959 Speaker 3: We met in our twenties and here we are eleven 300 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:14,360 Speaker 3: years later, and I feel like I'm growing, I'm continuing 301 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 3: to grow, and he's still stagnant and hasn't improved his 302 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 3: ability to be more emotionally intelligent and be present with 303 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,240 Speaker 3: me in the relationship so that we can grow together. 304 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,159 Speaker 3: And it's been one sided for so long. I'm at 305 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,160 Speaker 3: a place now where I feel like it's probably time 306 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 3: for me to file for divorce. I'm scared to do that. 307 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,119 Speaker 3: I'm terrified to do that, but I feel like in 308 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 3: order for me to be happy and for me to 309 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 3: continue to grow, this may be something that I have 310 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 3: to do. 311 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: Okay, do you have children? Do you all have children together? 312 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 3: We don't have any children. We have two dogs who 313 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:03,479 Speaker 3: I prefer to all my children, but no, no children 314 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:03,920 Speaker 3: at all. 315 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,240 Speaker 1: Okay, it is one sided. Tell me more about that. 316 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 1: What does that mean? I heard you say he hasn't 317 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 1: improved and it's been one sided. So let's deal with 318 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:15,880 Speaker 1: the one sided first. 319 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:22,639 Speaker 3: Okay. When I say one sided, whenever we have a disagreement, 320 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,280 Speaker 3: he will completely shut down. He won't talk to me. 321 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,520 Speaker 3: If I try to talk to him, he'll give me 322 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 3: the silent treatment. And I'm the one that has to 323 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 3: reach out to him. In order for us to get 324 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,199 Speaker 3: any results. It has to be me that initiates the 325 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 3: conversation or initiates the apology that I don't necessarily think 326 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,439 Speaker 3: I have to give. But it's always me that has 327 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,800 Speaker 3: to be the one to initiate that in order for 328 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,560 Speaker 3: us to at least attempt to get back to good terms. 329 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,280 Speaker 3: And it's been like that for so long that I 330 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,920 Speaker 3: I'm sick of doing it. I don't want to take 331 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 3: accountability for my wrongdoing if he's not gonna do the same. 332 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: Okay, let me ask you a question. Do you know 333 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 1: his love language? 334 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 3: He is a physical touch. That's his love. 335 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,840 Speaker 1: Language, okay, And what is yours? 336 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 3: My love language is acts of kindness? 337 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: Okay? And do you get that from him? 338 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:29,400 Speaker 2: No? 339 00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:34,400 Speaker 3: For so many years, I've been the one that's been 340 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:40,520 Speaker 3: pouring into him and supporting him. Even in the household. 341 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,360 Speaker 3: I'm the one that does the cooking, the cleaning, I 342 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 3: take care of our dogs, I take care of the 343 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 3: household in general. And he just sits back and allows 344 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:55,119 Speaker 3: me to do that. But because my love language is 345 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,440 Speaker 3: different from his, he doesn't feel like I give him 346 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 3: what he needs when it comes to physical touch. But 347 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,560 Speaker 3: because I work all day and come home and have 348 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,080 Speaker 3: to clock in and do another shift. By doing all 349 00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 3: the things around the house, I'm tired. We don't even 350 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:14,280 Speaker 3: have any kids, and I'm exhausted by the end of 351 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 3: the day. So physical touch is a lasting on my mind. 352 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:25,439 Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question, have you made room 353 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 1: for him to step up? 354 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 3: To be honest, I don't know if I know how 355 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 3: to give him the room to step up because he's 356 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:39,320 Speaker 3: failed me so many times. 357 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,679 Speaker 1: What does that mean? He failed me so many times? 358 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:43,680 Speaker 1: What does that mean. 359 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 3: He's let me down? Like if he tells me he's 360 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:51,200 Speaker 3: going to do something and doesn't do it, I feel 361 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,640 Speaker 3: like that's a letdown for me. And because he does 362 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:58,679 Speaker 3: that often, I haven't felt comfortable or even if I 363 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 3: know how to allow him the space to step up. 364 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 1: Can I offer some suggestions? 365 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:06,159 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. 366 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:13,920 Speaker 1: Eat out, don't cook, that's a real simple one. Bring 367 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,280 Speaker 1: your dinner home in a bag, come home, feed the dogs, 368 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,920 Speaker 1: walk the dogs, whatever, that's it. Wash your clothes, don't 369 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: wash his make up, your side of the bed, don't 370 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:28,399 Speaker 1: make up his leave the dust bunnies till they just 371 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,760 Speaker 1: have children and they're hopping all over the house. 372 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,760 Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, that's gonna be so hard for me 373 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,560 Speaker 3: because I hate clutter. 374 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,879 Speaker 1: Well, that's okay, that's okay. You're either gonna leave this 375 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: marriage or you're gonna make it Liverpool. Yeah, stop cooking, 376 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 1: stop shopping, stop doing laundry. Stop it. Give him the 377 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,159 Speaker 1: space to step up. And if he asks you are 378 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 1: you cooking and say, oh, no, you know how to cook. 379 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,639 Speaker 1: I've been doing it all these years. It's time for 380 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,959 Speaker 1: you to do it. Tell him to watch beat Bobby Flay. 381 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:13,399 Speaker 1: He'll learn some tricks. Make the room for him to 382 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,439 Speaker 1: step up. You're complaining that he hasn't stepped up, but 383 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,439 Speaker 1: you're also complaining that you're doing everything. Where is he 384 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,640 Speaker 1: supposed to get in? Yeah, he don't want to talk 385 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,320 Speaker 1: to you. Don't talk to him. Don't talk to him. 386 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:29,640 Speaker 3: I have done that. I've made the decision to stop talking. 387 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:35,200 Speaker 3: And the thing is he can go days, weeks, maybe 388 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:40,480 Speaker 3: even a month without addressing the issue, without speaking to me. 389 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:45,639 Speaker 3: And it's like, if you can do that to your wife, 390 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,280 Speaker 3: I don't know what to expect from you in the future. 391 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,439 Speaker 3: If you can do that to me now at. 392 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 1: Nothing, don't expect anything. He don't want to talk to you. 393 00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,800 Speaker 1: Three days in, pack your bags and go to the hotel. Yeah, 394 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:04,399 Speaker 1: I mean really, I want you to be careful about 395 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:10,480 Speaker 1: the spiritual arrogance of I've grown and he hasn't. Well, 396 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 1: he didn't sign up to grow. That ain't what he 397 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:17,880 Speaker 1: signed up for. Yeah, you decided to grow, and your 398 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 1: paths may be different. So don't be arrogant enough to 399 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 1: think that because you've done it, he needs to do it. 400 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: You can still love him and have a great relationship 401 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 1: with him, and if he's barely lit and dimly glowing, 402 00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, But don't measure 403 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 1: his progress based on your progress, because that's not what's 404 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 1: going to make the marriage. You all been together eleven years, 405 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: so you were seven years in when you said I 406 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,040 Speaker 1: do So either you saw things and you thought you 407 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,919 Speaker 1: could change them, or you didn't see these things, and 408 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,640 Speaker 1: now they've come to your awareness and you get to choose. 409 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,439 Speaker 1: So what are you choosing? Are you choosing to just 410 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 1: go or are you choosing to make the marriage work. 411 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,440 Speaker 1: I have a solution for you, and you are probably 412 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,919 Speaker 1: not going to like it. Are you ready? 413 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:06,880 Speaker 3: Yeah? 414 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 1: Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back. 415 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,840 Speaker 1: I am y. I'm learing this is the R spot. 416 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: You may be able to inspire him a couple of 417 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,680 Speaker 1: hungry days. Oh you want me to cook? I don't 418 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: cook for people that don't speak to me. Sorry, you 419 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,600 Speaker 1: wash your own clothes. I can't wash clothes with somebody 420 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,480 Speaker 1: that would be violent enough to walk around in my 421 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,520 Speaker 1: house and don't speak to me. I can't wash your clothes. 422 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: I'll feed the dogs. 423 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,640 Speaker 3: Yeah. May I ask a question? 424 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:50,800 Speaker 1: Sure? Absolutely? 425 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 3: How do I find the courage to please if I'm 426 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:04,160 Speaker 3: not wanting to make the marriage work? If I've met 427 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:08,360 Speaker 3: my endpoint and I met wits end coming from a 428 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:12,080 Speaker 3: family that was broken and my parents split up, and 429 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 3: the fear of repeating that past. 430 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,040 Speaker 1: But it's broken, it's broken. What are you afraid of? 431 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:24,760 Speaker 1: You sitting in it? It's broke, it's already broken. 432 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:29,159 Speaker 3: It is. But I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of 433 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 3: admitting to myself that it didn't work. 434 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,960 Speaker 1: Stop right there, it didn't work, Say that it didn't work. 435 00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:37,080 Speaker 3: It didn't work. 436 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 1: My marriage didn't work. 437 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,360 Speaker 3: My marriage didn't work. 438 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,160 Speaker 1: Okay, try this one. Oh damn, my marriage did not work. 439 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:46,560 Speaker 1: Say that one. 440 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 3: Oh damn, my marriage did not work. 441 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,120 Speaker 1: Okay. What did your parents have to do with this? 442 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:56,920 Speaker 1: That don't have nothing to do with this? Stop that. 443 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,520 Speaker 1: Springing to the present moment. And what's in the present moment, beloved, 444 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,120 Speaker 1: what's right here in your face, in the present moment 445 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,640 Speaker 1: with you and the two dogs. Are y'all gonna split 446 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,160 Speaker 1: the dogs up? He take one and you take the other, 447 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:10,000 Speaker 1: and y'all gonna do that. 448 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 3: I have already come to the conclusion that I may 449 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 3: not be able to take my dogs with me. I 450 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:20,280 Speaker 3: don't want them to be separated, because I don't want 451 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,800 Speaker 3: them to be sad, but I want happiness for myself. 452 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: But let me just say this, because I've studied this. 453 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 1: I've got two Pomeranians, peace and freedom, and they love 454 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,520 Speaker 1: each other. They jump with the two girls, and they 455 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:33,440 Speaker 1: hump on each other. 456 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:34,920 Speaker 2: I don't know what they do, and I don't know 457 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:35,680 Speaker 2: if they having. 458 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 1: Such sexual identity crisis. I don't know what the problem is. 459 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: But one of the things that my vet told me 460 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,240 Speaker 1: is dogs don't feel emotion. M you can beat a 461 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: dog like people who abuse their dogs and stuff like that. 462 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 1: But if that owner showed up today with some food 463 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,040 Speaker 1: or a treat, the dog would go right back to 464 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:58,680 Speaker 1: the same person. Dogs don't have emotions, so stop it 465 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:00,880 Speaker 1: with I don't want them to miss each They ain't 466 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,800 Speaker 1: gonna miss each other. You would miss seeing them together. 467 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:05,680 Speaker 1: But do you want the dogs? Do you want to 468 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 1: take the two dogs? 469 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,160 Speaker 3: I would love to take them. 470 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,920 Speaker 1: You feed them, and you know what you can say 471 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: to him. I'm afraid that you do to them what 472 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,040 Speaker 1: you did to me. Ignore them. I'm not leaving them 473 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 1: with you. Yeah, oops, it ain't working. Say that. 474 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:29,120 Speaker 3: Ooh, it ain't working. 475 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: And if you're telling me that you are cooking and 476 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:36,680 Speaker 1: cleaning and taking care of a man who would be 477 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:40,120 Speaker 1: violent enough not to speak to you, a man who 478 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,640 Speaker 1: doesn't know how to honor your love language, then you've 479 00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: already failed. So get over it, right, get over it? 480 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,280 Speaker 1: And I say it lightly, but I also take it 481 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,760 Speaker 1: to heart. I understand where you are. Your position is, 482 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,719 Speaker 1: I don't want to do what my parents did, so 483 00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,360 Speaker 1: don't do what your parents did. Do something else, call 484 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,120 Speaker 1: it something else. Yeah, they failed. That marriage is standing 485 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:04,880 Speaker 1: up for yourself. 486 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 3: You're right you're right. 487 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,960 Speaker 1: I want to be helpful and supportive and give you 488 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,040 Speaker 1: another perspective. 489 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 3: Absolutely, and you have done that for sure. 490 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 1: Because you acting like you don't know this is over 491 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:20,560 Speaker 1: for whatever reason. 492 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:24,400 Speaker 3: And the sad thing for me is when we are good, 493 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:25,560 Speaker 3: we're good. 494 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:30,880 Speaker 1: That's like grits. Yeah, when they're hot and the butter 495 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:35,400 Speaker 1: melts come on, you know it. You can't eat that. 496 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:38,680 Speaker 1: They crussed up in the pot and the butter isn't. 497 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:42,280 Speaker 1: It's like grits. When it's good, it's good. When it ain't, 498 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:42,680 Speaker 1: it ain't. 499 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:47,840 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm sick of trying to fix bad grits. 500 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,560 Speaker 1: Okay, because you know, if you add more water and 501 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 1: start the storm, they're gonna get lumpy. 502 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:54,360 Speaker 3: It makes it worse. 503 00:31:55,480 --> 00:32:01,000 Speaker 1: That's right. Take your dogs and get up out of there, 504 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:06,080 Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do. Yeah, because what if. 505 00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 1: And here's the piece that we so often forget in relationships. 506 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:15,000 Speaker 1: Whatever you're feeling, he's feeling too. We think that we're 507 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:19,560 Speaker 1: in the relationship alone, that this is our experience. So 508 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 1: you're saying it's one sided for you, he's probably saying 509 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,640 Speaker 1: it's so one sided for him. He's not getting with 510 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,160 Speaker 1: he wants. You're saying I'm not getting with what I want. 511 00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 1: Your partner feels it the same way. But perhaps he 512 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:35,240 Speaker 1: doesn't have the courage to leave. He may be afraid 513 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,200 Speaker 1: to leave because he don't know how to cook, and 514 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,160 Speaker 1: if you're gone, you're gonna have to cook for himself. 515 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:41,960 Speaker 1: We don't know why. But don't think for him, think 516 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:46,480 Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, that's saying you're scared. You're not scared. 517 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:54,800 Speaker 1: You're punk by that punk some pumps and get on 518 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:55,520 Speaker 1: up out of death. 519 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 3: I don't want to be a punk anymore. Just I'm 520 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:04,320 Speaker 3: seeking happiness and I just want to be happy. I 521 00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:08,640 Speaker 3: can't remember the last time that I've been explicitly happy. 522 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,239 Speaker 3: That's bad for me, and that's what I'm trying to 523 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 3: get bad. Yeah, I want to be happy with him, 524 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 3: But if he can't do that, and like you said, 525 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,640 Speaker 3: it's violent enough to be able to be in the 526 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:27,240 Speaker 3: same residence with me and not speak to me, that's 527 00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:28,880 Speaker 3: not where I can be happy. 528 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:33,960 Speaker 1: I would encourage you to do what is required. I mean, 529 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:36,360 Speaker 1: if you want to stay, Like I said, there are 530 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,960 Speaker 1: ways that you can push the envelope and force his hand. 531 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,280 Speaker 1: It's not good or bad, right or wrong, it's working 532 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:47,920 Speaker 1: and not working? Is this working for you? And if 533 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:51,240 Speaker 1: it's not, what do you plan to do about that? 534 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:52,440 Speaker 2: Yeah? 535 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,480 Speaker 1: So, if it's not working and you stay, no whining, 536 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 1: no complaining, keep your mouth shut and suck it up. 537 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:00,600 Speaker 3: Yeah. 538 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,800 Speaker 1: And if it's not working and you choose to leave, 539 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,800 Speaker 1: create your exit strategy in your mind. Activate it and 540 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:09,200 Speaker 1: get all your ducks in a row, your resources. Who's 541 00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:11,120 Speaker 1: getting the house, who's getting the dog, who's getting the 542 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,320 Speaker 1: electric skillet? And then you know, get you some pumps, 543 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:16,359 Speaker 1: put them on the punk and get up out of there. 544 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:16,920 Speaker 3: Yeah. 545 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:27,399 Speaker 1: No, go with no panties. Go with no panties and 546 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,600 Speaker 1: be on the market for a random act of kndness. 547 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:33,360 Speaker 3: Okay, okay, I can do that. 548 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:39,439 Speaker 1: Yes, leave your marriage without your panties. It's called leave 549 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 1: your drawers behind. 550 00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 3: I do, thank you so much. 551 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:55,799 Speaker 1: Yes, does? And remember my marriage didn't work. Oops, you'll 552 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,480 Speaker 1: get an endless supply duovers and you will get a 553 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:06,640 Speaker 1: do over if you don't have no pants. Tell me 554 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,320 Speaker 1: something you know now that you didn't know when you called. 555 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:11,880 Speaker 1: Just one good thing you know now that you didn't 556 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: know when you called. 557 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:17,400 Speaker 3: Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I'm a failure fam. 558 00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,920 Speaker 3: It just didn't work, and I can't compare what is 559 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,440 Speaker 3: going on with me currently to what happened with my 560 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:27,399 Speaker 3: parents in the past. We're not the same. It's not 561 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:27,960 Speaker 3: the same. 562 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:32,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not the same. Good for you. Look at that. 563 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,080 Speaker 1: You didn't even have to call me. You could have 564 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:35,080 Speaker 1: did that by yourself. 565 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:40,200 Speaker 3: Thank you so much. 566 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:46,800 Speaker 1: Now all right, baby, bye bye. I want to state 567 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,840 Speaker 1: this because both of my callers today took me to 568 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,920 Speaker 1: a place that I always want to be mindful of. 569 00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 1: It's that relationships are so important in our lives. They 570 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:07,959 Speaker 1: are so very important. Relationships are our salvation, if you will. 571 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:13,080 Speaker 1: Relationships are the place that we go to heal. So 572 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:18,920 Speaker 1: I never want to advocate the end of a relationship. However, 573 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:26,960 Speaker 1: I will always be a staunch, vigilant, ruthless advocate for 574 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:32,400 Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself because your relationship with yourself is 575 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 1: the template from which you will build all relationship. So 576 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:40,839 Speaker 1: while it may sound like I'm saying leave, leave, leave, 577 00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:46,520 Speaker 1: I'm really saying go, go, go, go deeper into your 578 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. And if that means sometimes we have 579 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,279 Speaker 1: to walk away, well then I'm all for it. Thank 580 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:58,640 Speaker 1: you for joining us for another episode of the r 581 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:02,760 Speaker 1: Spot see you real soon and in the meantime, stay 582 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:12,600 Speaker 1: in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a 583 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:18,160 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more 584 00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:23,680 Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 585 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,600 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.