00:00:08 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear. But you're a guest to my home. You gotta come to me empty, And I said, no, guest, your own presences presents enough. I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me? 00:00:47 Speaker 2: Welcome to I said, no. Gift, Signed Bridger Wineger. I'm so happy you're here. I hope you're not, you know, hanging by a thread. I hope that I've found you in a good place. Whether you're listening to this on your headphones or maybe it's playing over the store speakers in a grocery store. I feel like that would be a good place for this podcast. If you're a grocery store owner, reach out. Maybe we could strike up something there. But regardless, I'm happier here. I think we're going to have a very good time. I mean, look, I can't even begin to say how excited I am about today's guest. I think you're going to be thrilled. If you haven't already seen the guest's name on the you know, the phone you're looking at or whatever, you're in for a big surprise. We're all thrilled when it's Paul Rubens, Paul, welcome to I said no gifts. 00:01:42 Speaker 3: Mirichard, thank you so much, And I just want to make note I am indeed hanging by a thread. 00:01:50 Speaker 2: What's led you to this thread? Hanging? 00:01:52 Speaker 3: You know, I very rarely have my wits about me in general on a normal good day. But you know, we've just were going through lots of crazy stuff world situations, health situations, pandemic invasions. It's just there's a lot to juggle right now. If you're anybody, really, yeah, I'm somebody. 00:02:17 Speaker 2: Kind of a buffet of stress, just never ending, it really is. What are you doing to deal? 00:02:25 Speaker 3: I stay as heavily medicated as I can. I do a lot of drinking a lot of alcohol. Ever since marijuana's become legalized, I am by a huge I mean huge would be really an understatement. I'm pretty much high every second of my waking day. I'm kidding, I'm completely kidding. I'm the most sober person ever. I am so sober it's ridiculous, and I guess that could be the reason I'm hanging by a thread. I think it's a fun thing to think about not being sober, but that's just me. 00:03:00 Speaker 2: Do you I mean, do you consume any sort of drug, a, caffeine, anything. 00:03:04 Speaker 3: I actually don't anymore anymore, being key, but no, I don't. I never drink coffee. I really don't drink tea, and I take caffeine as a supplement. 00:03:17 Speaker 2: Okay, so when you wake up in the morning, I'm curious what your routine is. What are you drinking early in the morning. That's what I'm always curious about with someone who doesn't drink coffee or tea. 00:03:27 Speaker 3: I'm really not drinking in the morning. I try to stay as dehydrated as. 00:03:31 Speaker 2: Possible, parched until noon. 00:03:34 Speaker 3: Yeah, no, way past noon. I try to not drink at all. I have a book that I'm leaving through now that I look through every once in a while. I keep it in the kitchen and I look at it every once in a while just to up my guilt quotient. Really, but it's called Your Body's Many Cries for Water, and it's all about how every single thing, every malady you could possibly have going is due to dehydration and low amounts of water and take. And I look at the book and I think, oh wow, that makes so much sense, and yet it never makes me. I mean I'm kind of like a little bit of an old person where older people always say things like I don't want to have to drink extra because they don't have to pee, and you know I do. I have that going on a little bit, where I just who has the time and energy to go and pee all the time? I don't. 00:04:32 Speaker 2: So what's your water consumption for the day? 00:04:34 Speaker 3: Maybe four or five tea spoons. 00:04:39 Speaker 2: Just like a mouse amount basically. 00:04:41 Speaker 3: Yeah, I really just try not to drink. 00:04:45 Speaker 2: Just choking down every male. 00:04:48 Speaker 3: I mean, my throat is so dry right now that I you know, I barely got to get through this. 00:04:54 Speaker 2: I haven't seen a toilet in months. 00:04:57 Speaker 3: No, No, I haven't. 00:05:00 Speaker 2: Are you a big grocery shopper. 00:05:02 Speaker 3: You know, being a huge Hollywood celebrity, I don't shop really. I have people. I have an army of people who shop for me, and they fan out all over the city and get me, you know, things that I require. But this is not a joke. Really. The only time I ever go to the grocery store or the market as I like to call it a supermarket we used to call it, I love us a go. Well, I only go when I'm on vacation. I have to add to this. I'm never on vacation. I have had a vacation in decades. I'm a total workaholic. I work all the time. I'm not kidding. I never when you and I met was like a rare, rare, rare time for me to be off, to just go to be social. I'm never ever doing anything fun. I'm completely I mean, my work is fun to me, but I work all the time, seven days a week. I work from my eight thirty in the morning until you know, eleven at night or one am. I try not to stay up too late, but I just work all the time. But anyway, back to on the rare occasions when I am somewhere, like when I would go home many years ago and spend you know, the holidays with my parents and my siblings and my nieces and those kind of times, and we would go to a grocery store, I would just be, oh, my God, like, look at this, look at all this stuff in here, I mean just packaging and go get things and weigh them, and I don't know, just everything about it seems so exciting and glamorous if you never have to do it, except you know, twice a year or one seven year museum. Yeah, but to do it all the time. I mean, I've heard that there are markets in la are very kind of singles markets and markets where you can go meet people and that kind of thing. And I have a business idea to start a laundromat that's kind of along those lines, but I don't want to be doing it in a market. 00:07:15 Speaker 2: Really, A laundromat is not a bad idea for that. 00:07:18 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, yeah, I love my idea of a laundromat. I have about a thousand ideas that are higher up on the priority list than opening a laundromat, but I'm going to get to them all. I hope. 00:07:32 Speaker 2: I feel like you could, you know, hire a couple of people and just slap your name on it and let them do the work. 00:07:38 Speaker 3: No, you don't know me at all, and that is that is absolutely not me. I never slapped my name on anything. I was just talking to somebody yesterday about the fact that I continually either say this to people I work with myself, or I have representatives that say, listen, he's not a walk in the park. He likes to be extremely hands on and involved with every aspect of everything, and the people I'm gonna work with potential people to work with. Are like, oh yeah, yeah, no problem. But then when that actually happens, they're a gas. They it's they don't like it and it's too late by that, you know, like I warned them, they've been warned, and they, oh, well, there's a big I'm sorry, I'm gonna it stopped. Okay. There was like a huge bird fight going on outside. 00:08:32 Speaker 2: What kind of birds? 00:08:33 Speaker 3: I have a giant population of ravens? 00:08:37 Speaker 2: Do you feed them? 00:08:39 Speaker 3: No? I provide them with all the water that I don't drink. They get to drink. So they have water. That's it. No food, just water, right. 00:08:49 Speaker 2: Is it like a bird bath? 00:08:51 Speaker 3: No, ravens are tricking much birth? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's not a huge bird bath. It's not a bird bath. They're on the ground and they were just gang up on one bird. 00:09:01 Speaker 2: Oh good grief. Do you have to break up a bird fight frequently? 00:09:05 Speaker 3: No? 00:09:06 Speaker 2: Infrequently, I would say, But you have done it before. 00:09:09 Speaker 3: Yeah, this is not my first bird fight. 00:09:12 Speaker 2: What does that require? Just walking out there? 00:09:15 Speaker 3: No? Just I just yell out the window. Yeah okay, if I just yell out the window, They're like, oh. 00:09:22 Speaker 2: Have you ever seen one turned grizzly. 00:09:25 Speaker 3: I don't know. That's getting a little personal. I feel I've seen some grizzly bird fights in my day. 00:09:36 Speaker 2: Okay, so you haven't been on a vacation in decades. You drink four teaspoons of water a day? Tablespoons? I meant to take tablespoons. Yeah, you may have said tablespoons. 00:09:46 Speaker 3: No, no, I said teaspoons, but I meant to say tablespoons. 00:09:49 Speaker 2: Four tablespoons of water, So still not much about an ounce of water? Yeah, what are you doing to enjoy yourself outside of just being a workaholic? 00:09:58 Speaker 3: You know, I don't know. I mean, I don't know who said I was enjoying myself. 00:10:03 Speaker 2: Oh, you have to enjoy yourself on occasion. 00:10:06 Speaker 3: You know. I enjoy myself when I watch watch the work that I do. I sit in front of the TV and watch myself day in and day out on you know, a loop, a constant loop of my movies, my television shows and stuff, and go, wow, he is as fantastic as people say he is. 00:10:27 Speaker 2: You're in the middle of a documentary. Can we talk about that at all? 00:10:33 Speaker 3: You know, I don't know. I would probably have to climb up to the top of the Hollywood Sign to talk to you further about that. Right now, I have highly recommended to my close friends to not have a documentary made about them. It's not it's not my favorite thing I've done. It's very complicated. 00:10:52 Speaker 2: Has it been just a giant hassle? 00:10:54 Speaker 3: Let me say this about it. I really wanted to make a documentary. I mean, it was my idea in my dream for a long time. I feel like I have a lot of a lot of things to set the public record straight on. And yet I don't know what I was expecting. But here's the thing I guess that I have found to be challenging. I believe it or not. I'm not somebody who enjoys really focusing on themselves very much. And so my life right now, I'm having a documentary made about me, and I'm writing my memoir kidding, and so my life is literally all about me all the time. I'm either writing about myself or talking about myself, or helping other people know things about me. It's just I'm giggling about it only out of nervous laughter because it's hideous. I just I really, I'm genuinely I'm being very serious. I don't like it at all. It's it's horrible. 00:11:58 Speaker 2: That makes sense to me on some level, but highly public as a character for a very long time. But I feel like people don't want to know that much about you as Paul Rubens. 00:12:08 Speaker 3: I feel like that too, And that was probably, I mean not probably, that was very calculated in my own doing. And it's not a coincidence that I'm saying I don't like all that. I mean, you're getting your you're dancing around it a little bit like I had an alter ego, so I didn't have to do any of that. It was all about my alter ego. 00:12:27 Speaker 2: Right, But I yeah, I imagine there's a lot of comfort in an alter ego. You don't have to share anything about yourself. 00:12:33 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I think you can share, but you don't have to, and I didn't. Yes, you have that option, Yeah, I agree. 00:12:40 Speaker 2: So when you pitched the documentary, you just wanted it to be kind of an all access thing to you or what was the general thought about it. 00:12:48 Speaker 3: I think the general thought was just what you just said, like, people don't really know me, know very much about me, because I wanted it to be that way, and then it wasn't that way, and I think that there's just a lot of kind of I don't want to say the word legend, but there's a lot of I don't know, there's just a lot of trash out there about me. I have a certain amount of baggage. And I feel like in this day and age in particular, to take a little bit of control of one's story is, you know, not a bad thing. And again, in this day and age, people want to tell your story without your permission, and so I just thought like, okay, well, so maybe I would get ahead of that and tell my version of it, and then someone else can tell their own version or dispute it or whatever they want to comment on it. 00:13:46 Speaker 2: So what does this involve as far as documentary? Do you just have a crew following you all the time or. 00:13:51 Speaker 3: No, I don't have a crew following me at all. It's all scripted. It's all completely fake. There are people, there's a I have a life and children, and. 00:14:01 Speaker 2: You're being played by someone Elsey. 00:14:03 Speaker 3: Family and I live in a mansion and none of it's real. It's all just fake and set up. And you could argue it's a mockumentary, but I'm kidding. No, I don't have people following me around, thank goodness. That would be really unnerving to me, although very simple because I don't go anywhere or do anything, so they'd follow me. I mean they'd come in in the morning and leave at night. 00:14:29 Speaker 2: And watch you break up bird fights. 00:14:31 Speaker 3: Shoot me sitting in front of the computer working all day. 00:14:37 Speaker 2: And then I think the last time we spoke, you were just about to release the radio show, and then you did. Is there any plans to do more of the radio show? 00:14:47 Speaker 3: There is not at this point. It turned out that the radio show my radio show, well, it was my alter egos radio show. Yes, it's called the Pee Wee Herman Radio Hour, and it was on my face favor station CACRW, a place where, really, if you said to me, pick somewhere where you could be absolutely guaranteed to not make a penny, that would be the place. And I don't mean that as a dig I mean it's public radio and it's very prestigious in some ways, and I love that station for real, and that's where I really wanted to do it. But the thing I didn't realize I wanted to kind of be a DJ and be a little throwback into old style radio hosts and play music and I had a contest and callers and you know, just a lot of those kind of classic classic elements. But it turned out that you can't clear You would know this, well, you can't clear music for podcasts, so it's possible, it was not possible to do it again. 00:15:52 Speaker 2: The workaround was very funny. 00:15:55 Speaker 3: Well, we did clear the music, but not for podcasts, so it was it was broadcasts. 00:16:00 Speaker 2: And then you would stop the songs like halfway through. 00:16:03 Speaker 3: Spoiler alert. 00:16:06 Speaker 2: Well, you can't listen to it anymore. 00:16:08 Speaker 3: No, I think you can. 00:16:09 Speaker 2: You can. I like it was like a limited time thing. 00:16:12 Speaker 3: Well I thought it was limited time too, but the last time I checked a few minutes ago, it was still available. Yeah, I think it's still a listener. 00:16:20 Speaker 2: You have to hear it. 00:16:22 Speaker 3: I have to hear it. I've heard it. 00:16:24 Speaker 2: I'm talking to the listener. Just let me speak to the listener. 00:16:28 Speaker 3: Well, I'm listening. No, I'm listening also, I'm. 00:16:30 Speaker 2: A that's true. I do think for you, it seems like a podcast would be a crushing amount of work because just from the radio show, there was so much detail and everything to do that, you know, weekly, it feels like an enormous amount of work for you. 00:16:44 Speaker 3: Well, I'm trying. I'm working on another idea for a podcast that requires literally a fraction of that amount of work. 00:16:51 Speaker 4: Okay, would it be a peewee thing? No, okay, no, it would just be me. I'll just tell you this is an exclusive. It's Drinking Water with Paul Rubens. 00:17:01 Speaker 3: It's just me drinking just the four table spoots of water that I drink a day. 00:17:06 Speaker 2: It's about six seconds long. 00:17:08 Speaker 3: It's very brief. I do a little banter in between. There's some sound effect water sound effects, and then I try to have my guests drink water also and stay hydrated. It's called it's called Staying Dehydrated with Paul Rubens. 00:17:26 Speaker 2: How many guests per an episode? Would you say? 00:17:29 Speaker 3: It depends. I'm not sure what the budget's going to be yet, because I mean, you pay quite a bit of money to be on a podcast, don't you. I'm just curious because we didn't discuss this ahead of time. 00:17:41 Speaker 2: But I am invoicing you. I think, no, you're I'm invoicing you. You agreed to about a ten thousand dollars you beg to be on the show, and I thought, here's easy money. And now the fact that we're getting into this during a recording rather than through you know, lawyers or whatever. I feel like it's tacky. But look, I mean, the thing is, is there is something tackier I'd like to talk to you about. 00:18:09 Speaker 3: Go ahead, I dare you. 00:18:11 Speaker 2: You and I met a few months ago, and you know, we've talked about this podcast, and you agreed to be on it, and I was obviously very excited. Paul Rubens hero Icon is going to be on the podcast. We're gonna have a good time. 00:18:27 Speaker 3: I thought I turned all these phones on. 00:18:32 Speaker 2: You might have to answer a phone caller to break up a bird fight. You know, Paul's phones are ringing off. 00:18:44 Speaker 3: I don't know how to turn this one phone that I thought was not on. I don't know. Oh my god, hold on just one second. I can't believe this is so embarrassing. You can hear my answering machine in the background. I forgot to shut the doors. 00:19:00 Speaker 2: Paul is answering a kind of ivory phone. He's got one to each ear, and you know, he's yelling into one phone. 00:19:11 Speaker 3: It's going to turn into a little bit of like a sign Feld rant right now. But what is up with people not leaving messages anymore? Like you're supposed to? I guess as like A, I don't know, I don't know how old you are. You're not a millennial? Are you? Or are you? 00:19:26 Speaker 2: I am a millennial? 00:19:27 Speaker 3: Is your audience millennial? Because I don't want to say something really mean and horrible about the millennials, However, I will say this, what is up with nobody leaves? Like is one supposed to go to your caller ID and like look back to like who called me today? And and call those people back? And I don't know, like we used to back in my day, we would leave messages on the on the answering machine. 00:19:55 Speaker 2: I do need either a voicemail or an immediate text just telling me basically what the call us about. Just a missed call is then a mystery for me that I have to call back to discover. But unfortunately my. 00:20:07 Speaker 3: Voice I'm not calling anybody back. I'm I'm basically like if you left me a voicemail, fifty to fifty are getting a call back, but no voicemail, no anything, huh click, no, not happening. 00:20:24 Speaker 2: Okay, Paul, I feel like this little your little attempted observational humor is just a way to distract from what I want to talk about. 00:20:31 Speaker 3: Go ahead. I mean that seems that says volumes about you, really, but but go ahead. 00:20:38 Speaker 2: The podcast is called I said no gifts. You agreed to be on it. I was excited. I thought we would have a nice time and then you know, we would occasionally, you know, run into each other at the supermarket. No bad feelings. So I was a little surprised. The other day I was at work. I was in my office on zoom, just you know, trying to put food on the table, and there's a knock at the door and a bag is dropped off from Paul Rupen's and I thought, what could this possibly mean? Didn't look in the bag, figured I would just confront you on the podcast. Is this bag? It's a little white plastic bag that says Director's Guild of America DGA. Is this for me? 00:21:20 Speaker 3: Who do you think that's for? I don't know, of course it's for you. Come on, you don't have to play quay with me. There was a deadline to get that gift over to you. 00:21:29 Speaker 2: I don't know anything about a deadline. I don't know anything about a producer, harassing anyone. 00:21:34 Speaker 3: You're saying that that's supposed to be a joke, right, I'm innocent here. I guess if you have to ask that, is it a joke? I arrest my case, Paul, Do you want me to open it here on the podcast? No, you don't have to. 00:21:50 Speaker 2: I'm happy not to. I'm happy to leave this bag clothes. 00:21:54 Speaker 3: I mean, then, you know, that's really a little bit like a thing that I learned about writing way early in my career, which you would know also. I mean, then where do you go with that? 00:22:06 Speaker 4: Then you have the end, the end of the podcast. Yeah, thank you. 00:22:10 Speaker 2: The listener would be absolutely livid. 00:22:12 Speaker 3: You have to go through it. I have no material other than what's in that bag. 00:22:30 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to start rooting through it. 00:22:31 Speaker 3: Then go ahead, I dare you. 00:22:35 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm pulling out the first Okay, first of all, there's some chops. 00:22:41 Speaker 3: Now, did you really you really didn't look in it already? I don't know what That's part of the interesting. 00:22:46 Speaker 2: Part of the thrill for me of this podcast is the fact that I might open a bag and just be at a complete loss for words, and then there's just the deep discomfort between me and the guest. And you know, but the hope is there'll be some surprise, some element of surprise. 00:23:03 Speaker 3: I genuinely had the deep discomfort before we even started got to the bag. So but go ahead to a free country. It's your show. 00:23:11 Speaker 2: Okay, we've got chopsticks here. Where did these come from? 00:23:14 Speaker 3: Those chopsticks came from China? 00:23:18 Speaker 2: Did you get them yourself? 00:23:19 Speaker 3: I made them myself, but while I was in China. 00:23:23 Speaker 2: Is the kind of like a little tourist activity. 00:23:25 Speaker 3: I whittled them myself. 00:23:30 Speaker 2: Have you ever been to China? 00:23:31 Speaker 3: No? I never have. 00:23:33 Speaker 2: Well, there are so many items in this bag. 00:23:36 Speaker 3: Yeah, let's get to it, will you. There's, by the way, there's two pairs of chopsticks. It wasn't just one pair. I've thought that if we were going to have a meal together, there should be two sets of chopsticks. 00:23:47 Speaker 2: What I'm going to get some just I think this is going to be kind of a rapid fire thing. Where what do you like to eat with chopsticks? 00:23:54 Speaker 3: H you know, I eat anything that's appropriate to eat with chopsticks. Really, I don't eat I'm a vegetarian, Okay, I'm actually a spaghettiitarian. So I only I really only eat spaghetti, and that's all difficult to eat with chopsticks. Not impossible though. 00:24:11 Speaker 2: Right, Okay, so spaghetti essentially. Okay, I'm reaching back in, go ahead, pulling something out. Now, there's just a half half stack of post It notes pink. 00:24:25 Speaker 3: I love post it notes, and you know, honestly, I didn't really want to go all out or spend a patty on gifts, so I basically just looked around my house and thought like, oh, these old chopsticks. Yeah, put the bag, oh post its. I actually I'm not bragging, but I ripped that post it pile in half. That's why it's not a pull back. I was like, I'm not giving it the whole thing. 00:24:50 Speaker 2: It's just kind of like one of those they're hot pink. 00:24:52 Speaker 3: Also, by the way, you neglected to mention. 00:24:54 Speaker 2: That they are hot pink. You do strike me as someone who probably uses a lot of post it notes. 00:24:59 Speaker 3: Oh my god, if if you saw the amount of post it notes just in this room I'm in right now. Have you ever seen like the memes of like the cars covered with post its and that kind of thing. 00:25:10 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, of course that's my house. 00:25:12 Speaker 3: Yes, you're I'm like. 00:25:13 Speaker 2: That kind of a forest of post its. 00:25:15 Speaker 3: Yeah, I have post its everywhere. I mean, it turns out that I think you can make notes on your phone now, but I still like a good post it. 00:25:25 Speaker 2: I like a I do like a good physical reminder. I feel like if I put it into my notes app, it's going away, I'll probably forget it. I need something that gets in my way to remind me. Okay, we're going to get back in here. 00:25:41 Speaker 3: What else is in that bag? Bridger? Let's see. 00:25:44 Speaker 2: Okay, now I've got some. You've truly dumped your junk drawer in a plastic bag and. 00:25:49 Speaker 3: So oh yes, no, this was about it was food related. It's not all food related. You're just getting them all at once. But that is cutlery. Plastic cutlery appcan prepackage. 00:26:01 Speaker 2: Where do you think this came from? 00:26:03 Speaker 3: I have no idea. I had one that was that that had something printed on it, but it was too private. I couldn't. I could you have a favorite food? I don't really. 00:26:14 Speaker 2: I don't think do you cook it all? 00:26:16 Speaker 3: Cook? 00:26:19 Speaker 2: I believe it starts with the sea. 00:26:21 Speaker 3: To find cook. Let me say this. I reheat. 00:26:27 Speaker 2: Oh sure that counts uhh? 00:26:30 Speaker 3: I reheat and I'm very elaborate with it. I have like all glass containers in all different sizes. I think the brand name and neither of I want to point out, neither of us are getting anything out of this as sponsored or anything. But I used it. I like a good pyrexy. 00:26:45 Speaker 2: Rex is the way to go. Count on Pyrex. 00:26:48 Speaker 3: I do count on Pirex, and I reheat things I'm not I don't like to reheat in plastic. 00:26:55 Speaker 2: That feels dangerous. 00:26:57 Speaker 3: It feels dangerous. 00:26:58 Speaker 2: And yeah, what was the last thing you reheated? 00:27:02 Speaker 3: The last thing I reheated? Again, very personal, I. 00:27:05 Speaker 2: Think, Well, you get on this podcast and I'm going to pry. 00:27:08 Speaker 3: Let me think about that. What is the last thing I reheated? Oh, I can tell you exactly what it was. It was a quarter piece that I almost threw away yesterday of a frittata. 00:27:21 Speaker 2: Oh well, what the fritata? If you push it too far, it becomes a dangerous. 00:27:25 Speaker 3: Food because it becomes rubbery and horrible. Right, I've learned that the hard way, over and over and over and over. No pun intended the hard way, because they do become hard and yucky. But I will pretty much eat that when I you know, when I make that mistake a little bit on the cheap side. So I'm kind of like, oh no, no, no, that's not going in the garbage. I mean, the whole thing almost went in the garbage. I didn't eat the whole thing yesterday. And then this is a really long story and I'm going to tell it very slowly. 00:28:02 Speaker 2: This is also going in near memoir. 00:28:03 Speaker 3: Imagine, oh for data, chapter fourteen and fifteen. 00:28:11 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm getting back in here. 00:28:13 Speaker 3: Go ahead. 00:28:14 Speaker 2: I feel like a larger item is coming out. 00:28:16 Speaker 3: If I knew you were doing it like this, I would have put a mousetrap or something in there. I would have put something that would have closed on your hand. I didn't realize. 00:28:25 Speaker 2: This looks now. Okay, now I've opened something that feels kind of useful. This is three handkerchiefs or is it? 00:28:34 Speaker 3: Make me look? No? It is? It really is? It really is. 00:28:37 Speaker 2: Could have also been baby socks. 00:28:40 Speaker 3: No, those who are handkerchiefs, aren't they a brand name? 00:28:43 Speaker 2: Pierre Carden? 00:28:45 Speaker 3: Yes, there you are. That's French. 00:28:47 Speaker 2: Yes, it's very French. 00:28:49 Speaker 3: Yeah, those are very Bereisian. 00:28:51 Speaker 2: They each have a P on them. It feels like you could have used these. 00:28:55 Speaker 3: I could have. I did use them. 00:28:57 Speaker 2: They're covered in blood, they're used. 00:29:02 Speaker 3: And only hand washed. 00:29:05 Speaker 2: They're very muddy. Okay, Well, do you use a handkerchief very often? 00:29:10 Speaker 3: Now? No? No, who uses a handkerchief? No? 00:29:13 Speaker 2: I feel like some people could use them. Some people are very sweaty. 00:29:17 Speaker 3: Yeah. Well those are probably the same people who like call and don't leave a message. And I don't want to know those people. I really don't. 00:29:27 Speaker 2: Okay, So you don't use it. 00:29:28 Speaker 3: Those and sweaty, I mean you have to drink water to sweat, not sweat. 00:29:34 Speaker 2: You're essentially just a piece of beef jerky. 00:29:37 Speaker 3: Yes, it's just really not. 00:29:39 Speaker 2: An ounce of moisture on your body. That's right, Okay, I'm reaching back. He Oh this feels my god, this is real baloney bubble gum. 00:29:50 Speaker 3: Oh no, I want to say something about that, please. I don't know if it has a date on it, but it expired men years ago, and I wanted to say I was going to write something and put a post on it, and then I forgot that you and thank god you are opening this now for the first time, but you would probably die if you. 00:30:13 Speaker 2: Ate that saying the expiration day. Do you want me to tell you. 00:30:17 Speaker 3: Yeah, is it in nineteen something? 00:30:20 Speaker 2: It's June fifteenth, twenty ten. This expired twelve years ago. 00:30:24 Speaker 3: Yeah, and so no kidding, Like it's what you would die or get very sick if you tube that for a few bits. 00:30:31 Speaker 2: I wonder what would end up happening. 00:30:33 Speaker 3: Let's try it, though, Let's try it. Let's stand by and watch, and your listeners as you call them, could hear you, like, you know, getting sick and throwing up and moaning and. 00:30:46 Speaker 2: Through just through the packaging. It is rock solid, absolutely as hard as gum possibly could be. 00:30:53 Speaker 3: It's incredible looking, though, I mean, it's all about this is show business, and it looks. It looks. Who cares what it tastes like or if you would die or get sick. It just looks fabulous and that's all. That's all that matters to the listener. Will see this on Instagram. It's a beautiful color. It looks just like blowning. Oh they're going to see it on Instagram. 00:31:12 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, this will all be. 00:31:14 Speaker 3: I'm just testing you, of course. I follow you on Instagram and watch. I wait every day for your what do you call it? A post? 00:31:21 Speaker 2: At least five comments on every on every post. Yes, I've had to kind of block you. 00:31:27 Speaker 3: Really, that's what happened. 00:31:30 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm reaching back in ahead. I'm not getting a smaller item. Oh look some earbuds, like a small black pair of ear buds. It looks like they may have come, you know, like been stolen from an airline. 00:31:46 Speaker 3: To be ridiculous, that's what happened. They're from an airline. I have a whole jor for all of them, and I thought, why not? Why not part with what? What set of these? 00:31:55 Speaker 2: Do you have any memory of where these came from? 00:31:59 Speaker 3: I'm the guy when they come by and go did you need did you need headsets? After they pass them out already I go, or I always go like can I get another set of headphones? And I don't use them. I don't listen to music on the plane, but I just like pack my pockets full of those. So and also I just feel, you know, I need to be at the ready for podcasts that involve giving guests gifts away, you know, so I want to make sure I have a lot of you know, chotch geek kind of things too, right. 00:32:35 Speaker 2: Do I imagine you listen to a decent amount of music? Do you I'd rather you just imagine it. I've already imagined it. Now I'm looking for the reality. 00:32:45 Speaker 3: I listened to a lot of music. Yes, I make my own kind of music. 00:32:51 Speaker 2: What does that mean? 00:32:53 Speaker 3: I don't know. I was just thinking of an old song. 00:32:56 Speaker 2: Oh, of course you have to make your own kind of music podcast. 00:33:00 Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, good. 00:33:02 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a beautiful song. It is truly a classic, I think. 00:33:06 Speaker 3: So. 00:33:07 Speaker 2: I feel like I once had a greeting card that played that song over and over when you opened it. 00:33:11 Speaker 3: I feel like you should be getting that hand in the bag again, hie. I mean, I'd love to hear this story, but not really. 00:33:18 Speaker 2: I'll go on, and I'm happy to go on. Okay, I'm pulling out something else. 00:33:22 Speaker 3: What is it now? 00:33:23 Speaker 2: It's just a fake one hundred dollars bill. 00:33:28 Speaker 3: There's a very interesting story about that. At fake hundred dollars? Does it look pretty real except for it what's written on the back. 00:33:35 Speaker 2: Let's see, Oh, motion picture use only. This is an interesting thing. Do you want to talk about it? 00:33:41 Speaker 3: Well, it's from a movie called Blow. 00:33:44 Speaker 2: Oh, this is from Blow. 00:33:46 Speaker 3: That is a dollar one hundred dollar bill from a real movie prop from the movie Blow. So of everything in that bag, that's the only thing that's really like interesting in any. 00:33:56 Speaker 2: Way, I could sell this to the Motion Picture Museum. 00:34:00 Speaker 3: We're probably fifty cents. 00:34:02 Speaker 2: Until I had worked in the industry, I didn't realize how strict money use is on most sets, where most of the money you see on TV or movies is not real. 00:34:12 Speaker 3: Oh and by the way, I didn't realize how strict they were about fake money until I took all that fake money and started to try to use it out in the real world. 00:34:23 Speaker 2: You've run into a lot of problems with that. 00:34:25 Speaker 3: And very quickly got myself in some real significant trouble. 00:34:29 Speaker 2: That'll be the focus of the documentary, I imagine. 00:34:32 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, my multiple arrests from trying to ounterfit use counterfeit money. I mean I would argue in court. I did argue in court. It says in huge letters motion picture use only on the back, so I mean kind of on the cashier. Wouldn't you be smarter a smarter forger to anyway? 00:34:54 Speaker 2: Whatever, Now we know why you don't go in the grocery store that often. Okay, let's uh, let's keep going here. This bag is truly loaded with items. This could be an eight hour podcast. 00:35:06 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're only you're like, there's like forty or fifty more items. 00:35:10 Speaker 2: Okay, this is oh I've never seen this before cactus candy and does have a post it note on the pack. It says bought four eighteen of twenty seventeen. So again more expired candy. 00:35:24 Speaker 3: Yeah again poison if you ate that, Like, I would not eat even even a tiny piece of that candy? 00:35:32 Speaker 2: Where did you get this? 00:35:33 Speaker 3: But the box is beautiful, isn't it. 00:35:35 Speaker 2: It's a gorgeous I mean it's really it has. 00:35:37 Speaker 3: The most incredible artwork. It's just for your listeners. Oh, I guess they won't be listening, but they'll be able to see it on Instagram, right. 00:35:44 Speaker 2: They will see it on Instagram. 00:35:46 Speaker 3: So there's no reason to explain. How fantastic? What do you call that? What's that word anima for? For four crik anima, morpha. 00:35:54 Speaker 2: Ani anthropu anthro. I can never see it, anthropomorphic. I kind of always just speed through it. Anthropomorphic anthropomorphic cactus is on there? 00:36:04 Speaker 3: Cacti. 00:36:05 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's like a smiling cactus. And where did you get this? 00:36:10 Speaker 3: I can't say. 00:36:13 Speaker 2: This feels very much like something from your world. 00:36:16 Speaker 3: I want to say, just to name drop a tiny bit. And I could be wrong about this, but I feel relatively sure that the first time I received a box of that candy as a gift was very likely from Tom Waits. 00:36:31 Speaker 2: You're kidding. 00:36:33 Speaker 3: Why would I make that up? 00:36:35 Speaker 2: Well, because you're a well documented liar. 00:36:38 Speaker 3: And no, if I were going to make that up, wouldn't I say it was from I don't know. I mean, Tom Waits is an incredible name, and an incredible person and a long time, extremely close friend. Tom. If you're listening, Tom, I do consider you that reach out. But yeah, no, Tom and I go way way back. In fact, let me tell you a very quick story about Tom. Tom. I hope you don't mind my telling this story, but you know, I do something kind of kooky when I do go anywhere. If I see a movie being made, I mean, which I live in Hollywood, so but but outside of Hollywood, I do it in Hollywood. Also, if I see something on location somewhere, I sometimes will pull my car over or stop my bike and go, hey, what are you guys shooting? And then you know, if I know somebody, or if it's somebody that i'd like to know, I'll you know, go and knock on the biggest trailer. 00:37:36 Speaker 2: You just look for the very biggest trailer. 00:37:38 Speaker 3: Yeah, and see, like who's in there? And I was outside of New Orleans. I was driving across the country many many years ago, decades and decades and decades and decades ago. Your listeners could look this up when the cat is out of the bag in a few thirty or forty minutes from now, when I finish this story. So I I was driving across the country and I saw a movie being made on the middle of nowhere outside of New Orleans, on the side of a road, I saw like a little rickety movie production. And I pulled my car over and I got out, and I was like, Wow, what do you guys? Are you guys making a maybe? And it was Tom Waits first time I met Tom and they were making Down by Law. Wow. And the director of the movie tells this story on the special material on Down by Law. I haven't heard it, actually, but somebody told me that they heard this story. I started to tell this story and they were like, oh, please, I know that story. I've heard that story already. 00:38:41 Speaker 2: That's incredible, isn't it. It's an amazing story. Leave that one out of the. 00:38:46 Speaker 3: Memoir, Now why would I? I am not leaving that out of the memoir. 00:38:49 Speaker 2: I feel like we've already found a decent sy. 00:38:50 Speaker 3: I have dozens of Tom Waite's stories, dozens, so there's plenty more where those came where that came from. That was just my first Tom White story. 00:38:58 Speaker 2: I don't want that one in there. I'm happy to edit. You can send for notes. 00:39:03 Speaker 3: A lot of Tom Waits Water under the Bridge. 00:39:05 Speaker 2: Really forget Tom Waits because I just opened another thing, hot dog bubblegum. Isn't the same family as that bolognagum? 00:39:14 Speaker 3: Well, look on the back, doesn't it have an expiration date on there? 00:39:18 Speaker 2: This expired in August of twenty ten? So this is fresher. 00:39:22 Speaker 3: It is a little fresher. 00:39:23 Speaker 2: I believe this is less deadly. 00:39:25 Speaker 3: A month wasn't the other one September? 00:39:27 Speaker 2: The other was June? Oh, so if necessary, I'll start with the hot dog. 00:39:32 Speaker 3: So isn't June? So August is more recent? Oh yeah, that's the right, that's right? 00:39:36 Speaker 2: Would that be right? 00:39:37 Speaker 3: Is it August June or June August? 00:39:39 Speaker 2: Well it goes June August, but. 00:39:41 Speaker 3: Good stage name, good professional. 00:39:43 Speaker 2: June August is an excellent or an author. 00:39:46 Speaker 3: Hi, I'm June August. I'm television's June August Tie. It's very nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you. It's breaking her, breaking her, isn't. 00:39:54 Speaker 2: It, Bridger Briganner. Okay, I now have two. I feel like I've gone to your yard sale. 00:40:02 Speaker 3: You have three things that would kill you if you took even a tiny bite. 00:40:07 Speaker 2: We'll see. I'm just saying, okay, oh what, oh, this might actually be useful. This is uh ear plugs. I opened a small it's a small canister of ear plugs. 00:40:18 Speaker 3: And you know, I don't know what I was thinking. Here's here's how my mind works as a writer. You're a writer, so you would know the sincre I just I don't know. Conceptually, I was thinking that I would put those in and then you would be talking to me and I would just act like I couldn't hear you. 00:40:39 Speaker 2: That's excellent podcast audio. 00:40:41 Speaker 3: I didn't conceive of the idea that you had them and that I wouldn't be able to put them in or direct you to put them in, and then I could ask you questions and you could just smile at me like like I anyway. 00:40:55 Speaker 2: Just nodding along. Yeah, No, they're They're in my control. I get it, so I could easily kind of block you out. 00:41:02 Speaker 3: Get it. I've got a whole drawer of them. 00:41:04 Speaker 2: By the way, though, I need to put these in my bag because you know, occasion I'll go to a concert and need ear plugs not have them. Wait what, look I live, Paul, take the earplugs out. Okay, Look there's still I mean, there's just so many items in here. 00:41:24 Speaker 3: Go ahead, there's quite a few more. It's probably a total value of underfod. 00:41:29 Speaker 2: I think that this is like negative value. 00:41:31 Speaker 3: Oh, except that here's the collectible. There's the collection. 00:41:35 Speaker 2: This is I've just opened a VHS of Is his name Lucky Vanus? 00:41:40 Speaker 3: I would say Vanus, but whatever, I don't know exactly how he pronounced it. 00:41:44 Speaker 2: It's a workout tape. It's the ultimate fat burning system. So where did this come from? Did you purchase it? 00:41:51 Speaker 3: I can't say. I just can't say. 00:41:53 Speaker 2: Came into your life and are very mysterious. 00:41:55 Speaker 3: Tom Waits gave it to me. Tom Waits gave me working out to Tom Waits. Now he's gonna right, he's gonna call me right now and go like I did not give you that. I don't want people to think that I gave you that. 00:42:05 Speaker 2: Does have Tom Waite's autograph on the back. 00:42:08 Speaker 3: To Tom from Lucky Lucky van News. I can't remember who Lucky Vanos was. Lucky Vanos was. I think a contestant on a show. He had a career, has a career. 00:42:21 Speaker 2: Let's see, this doesn't give any indication. 00:42:24 Speaker 3: You know, though, there's something I understand called goggle. Your listeners as you like to call them, could look it up. It's spelled V like Victor, A, N like Nancy, O, U S like Sam Vanos Lucky first name, and they could look him up. I mean, I would do it right now, except my phone is too far away. 00:42:45 Speaker 2: As far as you know, Lucky he's still alive. 00:42:47 Speaker 3: I'm almost positive he's still alive. 00:42:50 Speaker 2: Okay, I wonder if he's still Lucky. 00:42:52 Speaker 3: Come here, Oh he moved. He's alive. 00:42:58 Speaker 2: Okay, Lucky is alive. I'm reaching back to the bag. This is giving me kind of a trick or treat bag feel right now, reaching out. 00:43:04 Speaker 3: I honestly, I cannot believe that I didn't think to put something. 00:43:08 Speaker 2: That would a lighter, oh, a working lighter. Do you ever use a lighter? 00:43:14 Speaker 3: I used to a long time ago. Do you smoke back? No? I well, just crack and you needed a big lighter for that, you know, I'm told. I'm just a friend told me. 00:43:28 Speaker 2: Okay, So what do you have to say about lighters in general? 00:43:32 Speaker 3: I think they're bad for the environment. Okay, my father used to use a classic Zippo lighter, which they're not as bad for the environment. I wouldn't imagine because they're refillable. Right. I gave you a throwaway, but in kind. 00:43:47 Speaker 2: Of a way, you've recycled it by giving it to me. You could have just. 00:43:50 Speaker 3: Thrown it again. It came out of the lighter drawer, you know. It was probably about about as like a twelve back. 00:43:56 Speaker 2: Just a sea of lighters. I've taken out another fake bill. 00:44:01 Speaker 3: It's five five dollar bill. Looks better than one hundred. 00:44:03 Speaker 2: Dollars, It doesn't. I was looking at it, and this almost looks real to me. Yeah, outside of the clear motion picture use only, et cetera. But if you've crumpled that up, I probably could buy something at Target with this. 00:44:16 Speaker 3: You should try it. You really should just see what happens again. So interesting you should take that into a bank and ask for change and see what happens. It's very exciting. They take it very seriously. 00:44:33 Speaker 2: I'm I'm happy to do it. 00:44:36 Speaker 3: Please let me know when you're gonna do it, because I would like to. I'd like to see it, to watch what happens, because I know what's gonna happen. You'll get thrown up against the wall and hand go really fast. 00:44:48 Speaker 2: I will. I don't want to spoil the listener's television or movie viewing, but because it's been spoiled for me, every time you see money on screen, I want you to pay careful attention because frequently they use terrible looking money and it's so distracting. 00:45:03 Speaker 3: Which is why I took that money. The property master on Blow, who just knew I was kookie and liked and liked all this kind of stuff, said would you like some of this money? Because I was in a couple of scenes where I was just surrounded by like, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and they said, would you like to have some money? And I went, oh, my god, that would be awesome. And I mean, that's not yesterday, that movie that was a while ago, and I still have a huge box of that money I loved. I used to have a big wat of it that I put out on my coffee table, and it would unnerve, it would unnerve people, and I finally I finally had to take it away. But I usually take about I take a one hundred fifty, a twenty, a ten, a five, and a couple of ones and fold them up and put them in people's birthday cards and stuff, and people will open them up sometimes, like Paul, that is so jit. Oh. Oh, it's very old school bank brankster. 00:46:08 Speaker 2: But a great decoy for burglars too. Yeah, exactly, something to keep in mind. Yeah, okay, I've taken something else out here and it looks like this is definitely from an airline USAir. Is this a what is this? It's a little plastic device that I don't even know. Is it a shoe polish? 00:46:24 Speaker 3: No preger? Come on? What is there anyone around that? You could ask anyone anyone, but you would look at that and know what that is? 00:46:31 Speaker 2: No way, I can't imagine somebody. I haven't seen an object like this. It's uh, you know, it's like a it's like a comb shape. 00:46:40 Speaker 3: Right, what would stick to that. 00:46:41 Speaker 2: Do you think I have no idea? 00:46:44 Speaker 3: Oh, you're producing? 00:46:45 Speaker 2: Is it a lint remover? 00:46:46 Speaker 3: Yes, your producer, I just see, see ask anyone and they'll tell you what it is. It's a lin fry. 00:46:54 Speaker 2: So humilion. I've never seen a lint remover like this. 00:46:57 Speaker 3: I may not go to the grocery store or drink water, but I know a good limb brush when I see it. One. Okay, that's how real I am and how lint free I am. 00:47:07 Speaker 2: The only lint remove I've ever seen is one of those sticky ones. 00:47:11 Speaker 3: Well, that's what that is. That's just a tiny, little tiny one. 00:47:15 Speaker 2: It feels nice. 00:47:16 Speaker 3: You're welcome, You're welcome. 00:47:18 Speaker 2: Feels like that could get some lint off. Okay, well, I've been embarrassed on my own podcast, You're Welcome, miliating You're welcome. 00:47:24 Speaker 3: I'm going to say many. 00:47:25 Speaker 2: Times people come as they look at me as an authority on this sort of thing, and it's embarrassing. Okay, I'm pulling out another. Okay, two more, some more plastic cutlery, but obviously from a different restaurant. 00:47:37 Speaker 3: No, that matches those or two are the same. 00:47:40 Speaker 2: I'm going to correct you Paul. They this one has a napkin in it, this one doesn't. 00:47:45 Speaker 3: Well, then I'm I don't like your tone. Take it down much, by the way, and so I think that if you I don't want to put you on the spot. But if you look further in that bag at the end of this thing, you're going to find the other napkin. I'm pretty sure unless it fell out in the car. 00:47:59 Speaker 2: Let's see, yeah, pulling something out. Okay, Now this is just simply I imagine this is what the headphones came out of. It's a small plastic bag that says Delta on it. 00:48:08 Speaker 3: That's exactly where those headphones came from. 00:48:10 Speaker 2: I mean, you know you have to I could have assumed. I need to assume that you put this in on purpose. 00:48:15 Speaker 3: Again, I think my line is you're welcome. You preceded by your line thank you. 00:48:22 Speaker 2: Well, we'll get to thank you at some point. We'll see how it. 00:48:25 Speaker 3: Goes, I hope. So if I live long enough. 00:48:28 Speaker 2: My suspicions have been completely confirmed. I've just pulled out two batteries that are could not be more clearly from a junk drawer. 00:48:35 Speaker 3: No, that's not true. You are so clearly off those are from the battery drawer. They're from like the battery that I have an extensive battery collection. 00:48:46 Speaker 2: You also have an extensive drawer collection. 00:48:48 Speaker 3: And what's the data on those? Those babies? Those are not expired? I believe if they are, that was a mistake. 00:48:54 Speaker 2: Let's see this triple A looks new, but I don't see an expiration date at all. Oh, March twenty twenty seven. 00:49:02 Speaker 3: There you go, it kicking seven, and this other one is and those are the really really highly undesired and unused kind on hair. Yeah, what is that? It's a triple way ever ready? 00:49:15 Speaker 2: Oh, this is like the thing that comes in a remote, like a TV remote when you first buy it and dies after a couple of days. 00:49:22 Speaker 3: Exactly. 00:49:23 Speaker 2: This is simply a terrible battery. 00:49:25 Speaker 3: What is the expiration data on that? 00:49:28 Speaker 2: Let's see here it says, I don't think this one even has an expiration data. It may be that awful of a battery that they just kind of assume that it's almost not working from the factory. I mean, look, I can't remember the last time I use it ever ready. I don't want to tarnish the brand, but I don't have I don't know that I've had any good experiences with a battery that looks like this. This other is a Dura cell. We can count on a Dura cell classic battery. Okay, putting these aside. Okay, Oh, it's a it's a match book from Mandalay Bay, partially used. But I would say there's probably something I can't. 00:50:10 Speaker 3: Say who used those matches. But if you knew you would, you wouldn't be smiling as big as you're smiling right now, or maybe even bigger you would be. 00:50:18 Speaker 2: Is it a criminal? 00:50:19 Speaker 3: No, superstar, the Las Vegas superstar? 00:50:24 Speaker 2: Oh my god, did you go to Mandalay Bay? Were you in Vegas? 00:50:28 Speaker 3: I may have. I may have received those handed been handed those by a huge Vegas celebrity at the Mandalay Bay by the bay sitting on the on the dock of the Mandalay Bay. Uh. 00:50:43 Speaker 2: Do you like to gamble? 00:50:44 Speaker 3: I don't. I'm not a gambler. 00:50:47 Speaker 2: I find gambling very anxiety inducing. 00:50:51 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't. I don't like to gamble. 00:50:53 Speaker 2: Okay, Oh, we've reached the end of the bag. There's one thing left. It's it's just a plug, some sort of electric plug to god knows what. 00:51:07 Speaker 3: No, that's from the headphones. The headphones. Yeah, that plugs into your seat on the airplane. Come on, you have to know that it's that big, clunky double plug. 00:51:20 Speaker 2: I have not been on a plane since nineteen seventy eight. Let's see here. 00:51:24 Speaker 3: Yeah, that works again. I wouldn't be making this stuff up. 00:51:30 Speaker 2: Really seems to work. 00:51:33 Speaker 3: Think about it. If I were going to make that up, if I if I had, if I had known that the plug was going to separate from the headphones and just be simply be a jack, I mean, what would I wouldn't. I may have some fascinating, improvised, really incredible story of what that was a plug do? 00:51:49 Speaker 2: Similar to the story you told about the ever Ready battery that you threw in the bag. 00:51:53 Speaker 3: Are you commenting on the fact that I went blank on the ever Ready Betty? I didn't have a very good story. I had no I had no ever. 00:52:01 Speaker 2: I'll just say I saw that battery and I thought, Paul has a story he's got. 00:52:05 Speaker 3: And then there was nothing. Is that your implication? Yes? All right, Well, I'm gonna I am writing a note to the producer right now to take the already batting material out of the show. 00:52:16 Speaker 2: No, we're leaving it in the public deserves to know. 00:52:19 Speaker 3: If your listeners are hearing this, then I was unsuccessful. 00:52:23 Speaker 2: There's been a breach of contract. Exactly, Paul. It's time to play a game. We've opened every item here. I'm surrounded, but I. 00:52:30 Speaker 3: Wish I had more time. I wish I had enough time, Pul. 00:52:33 Speaker 2: I demand you play a game with me. We're going to play a game called Gift Master. I need a number between one and ten h fourteen, perfect number. I have to do some light calculating to get. 00:52:47 Speaker 3: Our game pieces. 00:52:48 Speaker 2: Go ahead while I do this. You have the microphone. You can say whatever you want. You can recommend something, promote something, do whatever you want. I'll be right back. 00:52:55 Speaker 3: I wanted to just tell your listeners about drinking a lot of water or it's not everything that's cracked up to be. And water does not grow on trees, everybody. I'll tell you that right now. It's difficult to get We live in a desert, and as Michael Phelp likes to say, turn that faucet off, don't let the fawcep run extra. In all seriousness, we have a drought going and it's a valuable resource that people squander all the time. 00:53:23 Speaker 2: It's a beautiful little PSA, thank you. I appreciate that. We're going to play gift master. This is how it works. I'm going to name three potential gifts you can give someone. I'm going to name three celebrities. You're going to tell me which gift you're going to give which celebrity and why does that make sense? 00:53:40 Speaker 3: I guess so? Yeah. 00:53:41 Speaker 2: The gifts you're giving are a retiled shower, so a home a shower in their home will be retiled, and they're choosing a mystery that will haunt them to their death. Is the second gift you'll be giving. And the third gift is a yardstick. So those are the three things you're going to be giving away. 00:53:56 Speaker 3: Can I pick the celebrities? So I'm going to give them too? 00:53:58 Speaker 2: Sure? 00:53:59 Speaker 3: Are you going to tell me that? 00:54:00 Speaker 2: I mean, it's unprecedented. You were going to tell me I randomly selected three celebrities. 00:54:05 Speaker 3: Oh, go ahead, and then I'll tell you who I really. 00:54:07 Speaker 2: I'd love to hear. Okay, let me tell you who you're getting today. Okay, the three celebrities you'll be giving them. 00:54:13 Speaker 3: To, all of it, to Kevin Costner, all of it, all three things. 00:54:17 Speaker 2: You could probably use them, Kevin, come here. The three celebrities are the Barefoot Contessa Ina Garten. What do you know who the Barefoot Contessa is the movie? No, it's this uh, this cook that has a cooking show. 00:54:33 Speaker 3: No, it's based on a movie. That's the name of a movie. 00:54:36 Speaker 2: Well, I can't speak to that, but I will tell you that she has kind of owned the name and is off making meals for herself and her husband. That's all you really need to know about this woman. 00:54:46 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:54:47 Speaker 2: Number two is Rihanna R and B singer Rihanna. 00:54:51 Speaker 3: I know Rihanna is Rihanna? 00:54:53 Speaker 2: Come here, Follis is broadcasting from a very active party. Number three is Rooney Mara. 00:55:02 Speaker 3: I'll be right there, everybody. 00:55:06 Speaker 2: It's chaos, complete chaos. Did you say Mickey Rooney? Rest in peace? We're talking about Rooney Mara. You know, kind of an up and coming actor. 00:55:19 Speaker 3: Oh, I know who they? I know who he is? Newly single? Right? I don't know, Yeah, well you should know this kind of stuff I do. 00:55:29 Speaker 2: I don't know the sort of thing, all right, go ahead? Who are you giving what gift? And why. 00:55:35 Speaker 3: They are celebrities that I don't really I mean I know of. I could tell you a couple of credits of Rooney's. I could tell you someone I know named Ronie. I could tell you that there's a movie starring I believe Ava Gardner called The Barefoot Contessa. But I don't know anything about who you're talking about, who you're talking about, and the middle thing, I can't even remember anything about it. I can remember who the celebrity was. Orhanna, Oh, Rihanna, Rihanna, I'm Rihanna. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Rihanna. I do know you. I'm just kidding. I think I would give the yardstick. I don't know. I mean, I think all those gifts would be great for Rihanna, and and none of that. I wouldn't want to give any of the gifts to the Barefoot whatever because I don't even know who she is. And I think, like Ruoney Mara I would give. I would give Rudey Maara a piece of my mind instead of any of these gifts. And just just I don't know. 00:56:50 Speaker 2: Well you did. I think you did an admirable job with Gift Master. Will you help me answer a listener question? 00:56:57 Speaker 3: I guess so this is what I mean. I don't want the listeners to dislike me, so of course I have to say yes, even though I don't care for the listeners. Really, I'm kidding everyone listening to you, guys, I'm just kidding. It's the go ahead. No, I'm crazy about you. I'm crazy about you really. I mean the games you love to play and stuff. They're just fascinating and wonderful. 00:57:22 Speaker 2: This is called I said no emails, Okay, right into I said no gifts at gmail dot com. These people have questions they need answers to. We're going to answer one question. If you don't mind, I'm interested. I'm just back up a second. I didn't know what was pronounced Gmail. What have you been saying? 00:57:42 Speaker 3: Come mail? 00:57:45 Speaker 2: Anyway? This is this is a very simple question. 00:57:48 Speaker 3: I'll be the judge. 00:57:50 Speaker 2: It says, Hello, Bridger and Guest. I am very poor right now. Giving gifts to the people I love on a holiday or birthday makes me so happy, but I have absolutely no money to budget for them. What is a satisfactory gift for me to give that costs zero dollars? Thanks? That's from Chloe. 00:58:10 Speaker 3: Well, there's three. There's three gifts that come to mind that are very free and very available. One is a ruler, one is a tiled retiled bathroom, and the third one I don't even remember what it was. 00:58:24 Speaker 2: A mystery that will haunt them to their death, which is absolutely free. 00:58:27 Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly. 00:58:28 Speaker 2: Only one of those really does cost money. Retailed bathroom that's going to run you thousands of dollars maybe, But a yard stick, what does that cost? Four dollars? 00:58:37 Speaker 3: Four dollars free yardstick that you'd be overbay, I. 00:58:40 Speaker 2: Think, But I feel like you're not going to see a ninety nine cent yard stick anywhere. It's a solid piece of wood or plastic. 00:58:48 Speaker 3: I mean, they're not well. 00:58:50 Speaker 2: I hope that they're not making them out of plastic anymore. That's a lot of plastic three feet. 00:58:53 Speaker 3: What about a cloth one? What about the Ikia yard stick? 00:58:57 Speaker 2: Are those plastic? 00:58:58 Speaker 3: No, they're they're well, well, I guess they are plastic, but they're no, they're like cloth plastic. 00:59:05 Speaker 2: Oh that's not a bad idea, so straft. I feel like a yard stick is something that a lot of people don't own and probably could use. I've recently lost all of my tape measures. I don't know where any of them went. 00:59:21 Speaker 3: It's a fantastic thing to put your name on. By the way, I mean, that's you can't buy that kind of publicity. Somebody comes over to your house and goes, can I use your yardstick? And they pull it out and it says, no gifts. 00:59:35 Speaker 2: That's not a bad piece of merchandise. And I said, no gifts, yard stick. 00:59:39 Speaker 3: No, it is. Take it from me, I know, a good piece of merchandise. 00:59:43 Speaker 2: When I say one, I'm going to we're going to note that, Chloe. I think Paul has given you the exact answer you needed to hear. I mean, it's also a delightful thing to have to wrap tape measure. Yeah, not a tape measure, a yardstick. 00:59:58 Speaker 3: Or a tape measure free feet or a tape measure. 01:00:00 Speaker 2: Tape measure not I mean, in my opinion, not as fun to wrap. It's a smaller item. But a yard stick you've got, you know, just a long, thin stick that you've got to suddenly put wrapping paper all around. 01:00:12 Speaker 3: Maybe that's an offshoot that's my new show. As I said, what is this gift from Richard Rubins where they're wrapped gifts and you have to guess what they are? 01:00:24 Speaker 2: Oh, that feels like a decent game show, or maybe probably a bad game show, but that's fine. 01:00:31 Speaker 3: I thought decent was good. It was a good description of it. 01:00:34 Speaker 2: I don't know. I've never produced a game show. I don't know that I have that skill. Paul, We've answered the question perfectly. 01:00:41 Speaker 3: I'm so happy. I'm so can you see me glowing about it now? 01:00:45 Speaker 2: Paul is lit up, lit up like a light bulb after answering that question. 01:00:50 Speaker 3: I can only hope that Chloe is very satisfied with the answer, Chloe. 01:00:58 Speaker 2: Paul said before the podcast, he just said, one thing I want to do on this is to help someone. And it took an hour and a half, but we got there. I'm now surrounded by items from you, Paul that very in you know, value use. My junctraur is already overflowing, so I don't know where I'm going to be storing a lot of these. 01:01:18 Speaker 3: You don't have to store a few of those things. Some of those things you could eat right now if you want. 01:01:22 Speaker 2: I could dive right into the hot dog bubble. 01:01:25 Speaker 3: Come. I think it's a good idea. I would chew a couple of pieces of candy first, the cactus candy, and. 01:01:35 Speaker 2: I do want to see how that looks. 01:01:37 Speaker 3: But see what happened. 01:01:38 Speaker 2: I don't want to open that box. It's so beautiful. 01:01:40 Speaker 3: When's your next show? Next? 01:01:42 Speaker 2: My next podcast? Uh huh, I have no idea. 01:01:46 Speaker 3: Well, then you're fine to eat some of that candy. Now you'll be out of the hospital and under two or three weeks. I think I'm guessing, Paul. 01:01:55 Speaker 2: I've had a really wonderful time with you. 01:01:57 Speaker 3: Thank you. I appreciate it. I've had a really okay time. No, I've had a wonderful time all the way. I mean the game it was. I don't know if wonderful is the word I would use to describe it, but it was certainly. Share you. 01:02:16 Speaker 2: Thank you for doing this. It was just a joy and listener, this is the end of the podcast. You're, of course, free to do whatever you want. I am releasing control of you. I hope you go off and make some decent choices throughout your day and possibly return. There's no telling what your week will bring. Take care of yourself. I love you, goodbye. 01:02:42 Speaker 3: Here's an idea, though, what if we just change it up a little bit, take a quick break and come back for the next two hours. 01:02:50 Speaker 2: Listener, We're going to take a short twenty minute commercial break, then we'll be back with Paul. I believe another bag is in transit to my home. Listener, this is the end of the podcast, Please move on goodbye. I said, No Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced and engineered by our dear friend Annalise Nelson, and the theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. You must follow the show on Instagram at I said No Gifts, that's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. You have to see the gifts. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever you found me. And why not leave a review while you're there. It's really the least you could do, considering everything I do for you. And if you're interested in advertising on the show, go to midrol dot com slash ads. 01:03:54 Speaker 1: Helln did you hear funo man? Myself perfectly clear? But you're I guess to my home. You gotta come to me empty And I said, no, guess, your own presence is presence enough. I already had too much stuff, So how do 01:04:22 Speaker 3: You dare to surb me