WEBVTT - One Night in Perez 0:00:01.840 --> 0:00:06.359 Wind Down and Michael Colin and I'm her radio podcast. 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:11.000 All right, so this is a big week coming up. 0:00:11.039 --> 0:00:14.840 I start filming on Monday. We're officially out of quarantine. 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:19.320 I'm excited to film. Yeah, I think we all are. 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:23.200 I mean that in like you know we're talking about 0:00:23.239 --> 0:00:26.720 we're out of quarantine. It's like, okay, now the work begins, 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:30.480 right now, it starts, and so you know, I'm excited 0:00:30.520 --> 0:00:32.599 for you to work. I'm excited for the project you're 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:37.360 doing because it's different you. Um, I'm excited to come, 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:40.479 to say it. I'm excited to bring the kids and everything. 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:43.920 So it's if they let the kids come, I hope. 0:00:43.920 --> 0:00:48.320 So I don't know, but we have a treat. We 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:49.800 do have a treat and I'm trying to pull it 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.440 up right now because i want to just like be 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:57.960 one thousand percent on it and I'm not on it 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:02.000 this morning because okay here, So I think it was 0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:06.600 what it was the other day. Um, you were kind 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.720 of having like your own um, your own time, and 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:13.400 I was doing my thing and I was just a 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:18.200 rare rarely go on Twitter, like rarely rarely. Um, but 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:22.920 I follow pres Hilton and I saw this thing from him. 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:25.600 So basically something that we talked about on one of 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.760 these podcasts about I think it was when we were 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:33.039 talking with Lisa Turkerist and what we were saying, you know, 0:01:33.080 --> 0:01:36.320 I trust you today and then basically just saying so 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:39.959 the headline was Jane Kramer still doesn't fully trust husband 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:45.000 Mike Cousin after cheating scandal, and then his comment was 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:48.720 just get divorced already. So I was just like, you know, 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.320 feeling a little spicy on a little froggy, and I 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:57.000 was like, no, So I re quoted it back and said, 0:01:57.040 --> 0:01:58.920 when you don't know the ins and out about addiction 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:00.920 in the work we continue to do, you shouldn't speak 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:03.040 on it. We are open because we're helping people do 0:02:03.080 --> 0:02:05.520 the work to become stronger like we have. So no, thanks, 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:11.600 not going to divorce a good man and back. And 0:02:11.639 --> 0:02:13.880 then he said, but how can you stay in your 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:17.360 relationship when you don't trust him? Which I get it, 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:19.880 it's a very valid but I never said I don't 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:25.320 trust you. I just said I trust you today, and 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:27.120 which kind of just got me thinking a little bit more. 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:29.119 And then I kind of went on a little Twitter rant. 0:02:29.160 --> 0:02:30.880 I went a little like crazy Twitter ran and I 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:33.720 was just like, apparently everyone has a picture perfect relationship 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:36.760 s mh. And then I was just like scratching my head. 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:40.680 And then it was like, you know it shaking your head? Okay, 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:47.280 well either scratching. I think it's scratching. Is it? Is 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:52.200 it shaking? Okay? I guess I'm the only person. I 0:02:52.200 --> 0:02:56.639 thought I was scratching by it. Yeah, they are. They're 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.280 all affirming you in the comments, and Eastern just said, wow, 0:02:59.360 --> 0:03:01.959 so that's okay. Well I thought it was scratching because 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:06.000 you know, it's like home than scratching FML forget my lunch, 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:15.440 you know me, I always scratching my head like home, 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:23.000 like come on a little bit, this is amazing. I 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:27.200 guess not. Well that's fantastic. Fl forgot my lunch, I 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:34.080 forgot my launch FML. Okay. Well anyways, so I was 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:36.600 scratching my head, I put us MH. And then I 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:39.080 was like, you know what, why don't you just say 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:41.480 it to our faces? You know, if you want to 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:43.520 tell us a good divorce, let's come on a podcast 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:46.040 and talk because and then he basically said to in 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:51.560 another comment, he said, um, he said basically that we 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:55.560 do it for attention and headlines, and that one really 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:57.120 bothered me. I didn't say anything to him, though he 0:03:57.200 --> 0:03:59.760 was it's the podcast that fuels all these headlines. They 0:03:59.760 --> 0:04:05.559 were feel intimate details and thoughts for listenership and attention. Interesting. 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:07.480 So I kind of want to have a conversation about 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:12.040 that because I wouldn't. I don't. We don't do this, like, 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:15.120 it's not like we want. Well, here's here's what I want, 0:04:15.440 --> 0:04:17.840 because it's not for attention. The only attention that I 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:20.640 would say i'd want is for someone to say they're 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:23.400 working on their marriage. How awesome is that? But here's 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:28.560 the deal. Who would click on that? Right? That's not clickbait. 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:32.080 That's why we don't write the tabloid headings. Yeah, but 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:35.200 they just pick the like she still doesn't trust them. 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:38.640 Right if we were to write the tabloy headings back that, Wow, 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:41.840 they're fighting for their marriage. It's going great, Like that's 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:44.480 what we were, right. Yeah, Well but I don't know. 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:46.240 I just thought it'd be interesting to bring him on 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:53.360 and to talk about kind of clickbait stuff and you know, 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:57.080 get because he thinks we're hot messes. So I think 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:00.919 it's just something where we can I don't want to 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:03.640 sell ourselves, but I also wanna, you know, get to 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:09.080 know us before you write about Let's okay, welcome for 0:05:09.160 --> 0:05:29.599 a Silton. Hello, Hello Perez, Hello, how are you? I 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:32.080 am very happy. It's a good day today because it's 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:37.159 my son's birthday. He's eight, and also yesterday was their 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:41.680 first day back at school in eleven months. So that's 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:43.440 a good day for you, right, I had my three 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.479 kids at home for eleven months, and what are the 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:49.520 ages for the kids? Well, my son just turned eight today, 0:05:49.960 --> 0:05:53.600 and my middle child she's almost six, and my youngest 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:56.840 is three. And I just know that they missed their friends, 0:05:56.839 --> 0:05:59.440 They missed getting out of the house. Uh. They don't 0:05:59.480 --> 0:06:02.120 focus as while at home to get so easily distracted. 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:04.880 And you know, eventually they'll catch up with learning. But 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:07.320 it's not just the learning and academics is everything else, 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.679 The socializing with friends safely that they're now doing. Um, 0:06:11.680 --> 0:06:14.800 it's everything, and I'm just so relieved. I feel bad though, 0:06:14.800 --> 0:06:18.440 because even some schools in Los Angeles have not opened yet. 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:20.240 Mine is one of the later ones, and there's still 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:24.200 a lot more that haven't opened yet. Uh. Yeah, we 0:06:24.279 --> 0:06:26.840 have so our kids are We have a five year 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:29.159 old Jolie, and then we have a two year old Jason. 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:31.880 They go to half days to preschool. But even so, 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:35.000 I started to feel guilty because child the preschools are 0:06:35.000 --> 0:06:37.880 pretty much open in Nashville. So but so I felt 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:39.599 a little guilty. But at the same time, I'm like, no, 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:42.120 I need those We need those two days to like 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:45.560 have some sanity and get work done and and and 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:48.280 live our life too. Yeah, like you're saying, pereas, the 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:50.479 kids need those days, they need those that you know, 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:53.760 familiarity with a routine and getting to no kids and 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:55.760 and playing with other kids other than just mom and 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:58.839 dad all the time. Make the most of it. But 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:01.240 that is not why we have you on here. Yeah, 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:03.839 let's get to it, so correct me if I'm wrong. 0:07:03.960 --> 0:07:07.800 But in many ways, your podcast is kind of like 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:13.120 a reality TV show, right, Yeah, in theory, it kind 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:15.920 of is because it is a look into our daily 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:20.480 lives where we don't really hold back on our experiences 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:22.440 with each other and with things that we do with 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:25.680 in our life. So yeah, that's safe to say. Okay, 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:30.840 So when you open yourselves up like this, it's I 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:37.160 think an invitation for people to listen and participate and 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:41.440 have opinions. So you know I have opinions, but I'll 0:07:41.480 --> 0:07:44.040 park my opinions for a side and say this and 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:48.720 once again correct me if I'm wrong. I would guess 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:54.560 if all of a sudden some billionaire said, you know, 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:56.760 I listened to your podcast and I love what you 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:59.440 guys do, and I want you to just not have 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:00.960 to do it if you don't want to, I'm gonna 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:04.200 give you a hundred million dollars. Go with me. If 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:07.200 all of a sudden you've got a hundred million dollars 0:08:07.280 --> 0:08:11.160 offered to you, would you continue doing your podcast as 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:18.640 it is now? Yes, he doesn't believe you. Why because 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:22.040 here's the thing. It's and we've gotten a comment before 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:25.720 like that you have said about attention or money or 0:08:25.760 --> 0:08:29.360 whatever from us sharing our story. And for us, we're like, 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:32.520 if that's the case, where's the money, because we ain't 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:36.520 seeing it. Well. I mean, podcast is doing good, right, 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:39.280 but it's not our it's not our bread and butter. 0:08:39.320 --> 0:08:42.000 It's not what keeps the roof of our head right. 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:44.400 As much as it annoying as it is at times 0:08:44.400 --> 0:08:47.679 and hurt flat times for people to say maybe negative comments, 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:50.080 I mean we're used to it. Whatever it's happens that 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:53.680 one person or those couple of people that come to us. 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:55.800 Actually it's not a couple, it's a lot that come 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:58.840 to us and say, y'all being so open has really 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.880 helped my marriage, has really helped my relationship, or is 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:04.760 allowed me to be more honest with my spouse or 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:07.640 my partner those moments or those moments when we did 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:10.199 our live shows and we'd have couples crying to us 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:13.440 being like, you know, what you guys are doing are helping, 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:17.680 is helping our relationship. That's intangible, that's priceless. You can't 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:20.520 put a you know, uh, you can't put you can't 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:23.520 monetize that. You know, it's just something that means so 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:25.920 much to us. And because we've been able to have 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:29.720 a platform to receive that. So the flip side to 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:36.679 that question is has doing the podcast helped or hurt 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:41.560 your relationship? It's a good question. So I will say 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:45.480 in the very beginning, it was the podcast was huge. 0:09:45.960 --> 0:09:50.000 It was because you know, we were still in the 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:53.760 healing process and we were doing the and he didn't 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:55.199 want to talk about it, like I had written a 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:58.600 book before, you know, we did a book together, and 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:01.440 I wanted to talk about my abusive relationship that I 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:04.200 was in. I wanted to talk about, you know, finding 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:06.600 out about the affairs and and he was like, I 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:09.040 don't want you to and he he ripped it up, 0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:11.040 ripped up all the pages and was just like, you 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:13.560 are not putting this out. And I'm like, Michael, here's 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.440 what you don't understand. I was like, people are going 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:18.560 to write that you cheated about me in every single 0:10:18.640 --> 0:10:21.640 article that comes out there. It's always going to be there. 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:24.080 The headline will always say, well, he, you know, cheated 0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:26.720 on her, and that's what it's gonna be. I was like, 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:28.840 I want to change the narrative. I want to say, 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:31.800 look at how they've you know, grown and they're working together. 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:35.600 But also because when he cheated on me and he 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:38.400 went to rehab, I had nothing. I had no books 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:40.600 to read that I could relate to. I had nothing. 0:10:40.679 --> 0:10:42.280 I was like, I need to know that I am 0:10:42.320 --> 0:10:45.720 not the only person out there that has that feels 0:10:45.760 --> 0:10:49.160 completely alone, devastated and still wants to stay with him 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:52.920 because I love them like that. I still I want hope, 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:56.440 somebody please give me some hope that I feel like 0:10:56.960 --> 0:10:59.320 I can stay with this man. Even though I freaking 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:02.600 hate him, but I still love them? How many years 0:11:02.600 --> 0:11:06.280 ago was that now? Five and a half years ago? 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:11.880 Five years ago, five years ago that you went that 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:16.720 was discovery? So I saw recently that you said you 0:11:16.800 --> 0:11:21.079 still don't trust him five years later. Maybe I heard 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:24.960 that out of context, Um, is there some trust, a 0:11:24.960 --> 0:11:28.200 little trust, no trust? Because I was just thinking, like, God, 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:32.240 if five years later there's still no trust, or there is, 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:35.560 you don't trust him five years later, get divorced, and 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:38.560 I still stand behind that statement, Like I couldn't. I 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:41.440 feel like I would be walking on eggshells, like hiring 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:45.360 private detectives, and would that make me happy? Like I'd 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:49.040 rather be alone and be single and coparent healthily as 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:53.280 friends wish that former partner of my nothing but the best, 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:57.080 And I'm all for rebuilding trust. But when I heard 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:59.120 five years later, are you still don't trust him? Like 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:02.120 my head explode. Okay, So here's the thing for that. 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:04.920 I'm one thousand percent on the same page with you. 0:12:05.000 --> 0:12:08.520 I agree with you on that. When I've talked to 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:11.000 my therapist about trust, and that's been one of the 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:15.080 hardest things for me too, because I do I do 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:18.400 trust you. I do trust my husband. The problem is 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:22.920 is that because he is an addict, he can never 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:27.000 say that he'll never do something again. Now, Perez, if 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:30.640 something happens again, I'm I'm out, Like there's only so 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:33.079 much that I can personally handle. And he knows that. 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:37.200 And and the thing is too it hasn't been like 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:41.360 a completely clean I haven't had a clean, you know, 0:12:41.440 --> 0:12:44.880 slate from five years ago. I've done things along the 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:49.040 way physically, not physically, but I've done things to still 0:12:49.559 --> 0:12:52.840 um give her reasons not to trust me along the 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:55.360 along the timeline of five years. So it's not like 0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:58.280 ever since five years ago, I haven't told one line. 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:01.199 My behavior has been completely different, Like I've never done 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:03.960 anything to you know, mess anything up. It's we've I've 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:06.040 had my bumps, you know, I've had my bumps and recovery, 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:07.959 I've had my bumps or whatever. Yes, I've never acted 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:11.480 out outside of our relationships, you know, since all that happened. 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:15.120 But you know, there's still a reason why it's that way. 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:18.000 And it's hard because I have times like you're saying, Perez, 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:20.319 where I'm like, you know, in my head, I want 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:22.160 to be like it was five years ago, But then 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:24.360 I have to remind myself, well, I've done things to 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:28.520 cause mistrust, you know, along the road, and I think 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.720 what I'll say to to that is, you know, there 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:34.840 was a time after our all that stuff where I 0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:37.800 told my therapist, I go, all I do is just 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:40.240 look at his phone and I hate it and I 0:13:40.240 --> 0:13:41.480 don't want to do it and I don't want to 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:43.079 live my life like this. And then she goes, then 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:46.679 stop stop doing those things, and you're just going to 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.880 have to let it go. And it's on him, you know, 0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:51.400 and you have to start trusting him. So that's why 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:55.120 I say, And what was a little out of context 0:13:55.160 --> 0:13:58.480 with that uh An interview was I said, I do 0:13:58.600 --> 0:14:01.400 trust him today because I see he's showing up. He's 0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:04.559 in recovery work, he's doing, you know, he's he's showing 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:07.920 up today as a husband, as a man, and in recovery. Tomorrow. 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:10.640 I pray to God he does, but I can't control 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.400 his recovery. I'm just gonna wake up tomorrow and I'm 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:17.360 going to trust him until he basically, you know, it's 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.120 something would happen. So Janet, you've been you've been speaking 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:22.360 to your therapist. I would assume now for a while. 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:25.720 I'm curious, since you know your podcast is all about 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:29.760 being open. You mentioned a few moments ago that prior 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:32.560 to being with Michael, you were in an abusive relationship. 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:38.000 Did that one affect your desire to stay in this one, 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:43.000 which from the outside might not seem like the most 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:46.560 healthy for you. Is that something that you've talked about 0:14:46.600 --> 0:14:49.840 with your therapists we have. Well, here here's a little 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:53.680 tidbit too. I actually met him at the coffee being 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:56.400 on Sunset and Fairfax, which was the same one that 0:14:56.440 --> 0:14:59.040 you would sit at, because I would go to that 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:04.160 Sunset and acts coffee bean every day for like six years, 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.200 because I was living on that side of the hill. 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:08.320 And I just remember too, like you were just in 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:10.760 your computer, like chilling at the you know. And I 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:13.720 remember my friend Diana was like, that's Press Hilton. He's 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:16.520 a you know, and I was like, that's Perez Hilton. 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:20.760 But I ended up I met um. I met my 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:23.880 abuser at that coffee bean, and you know, we've done 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:25.720 a lot of work around that. I thought you met 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:29.200 your therapist. I was smiling. Oh my god, I would 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:30.760 not have been smiling if that's where you. If I 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:33.600 knew you met your abuser there like um, no, no, 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:37.480 so I met I met him there, And I will 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.480 say it was I've done a lot of work with 0:15:40.520 --> 0:15:43.240 my therapist around that, and honestly, I will say the 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:45.760 first reason that I stayed and this is not the 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:48.000 reason to stay at all, but it was for my daughter. 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:50.360 Um I had a five month old at the time. 0:15:50.560 --> 0:15:54.120 And and here's the crazy thing was when he was 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:57.160 in a rehab As much as I hated him, I 0:15:57.360 --> 0:16:01.160 still wanted to I wanted to read his letters. I 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:03.760 wanted to see what he had to say. And I 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:06.520 will never advocate for staying in a bad relationship. If 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:10.640 he was continuing to act out physically and breaking boundaries 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:14.520 and lying to seven, I am the first person to say, 0:16:14.560 --> 0:16:17.600 get out, you don't like you deserve better than that. 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:19.960 If he were to ever hit me. I will never 0:16:20.040 --> 0:16:24.360 stay in a relationship where I'm physically, mentally, verbally abused. 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:26.960 I just can't stand for that. And so I have 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:30.240 stayed a lot, first and foremost for my kids. But 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:32.160 I also am at the point now where I know 0:16:32.280 --> 0:16:36.000 my worth, I know what I deserve, and you know 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.240 I won't stand for anything else. But there was also 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:41.600 that love there that I you know, I know, I 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.600 knew he wanted to be a better man, and he 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:46.880 just just took him a little while to get there. 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:50.040 So I'm curious because you're so open, and I love that. 0:16:50.160 --> 0:16:53.200 I'm very open to you could ask me anything. I 0:16:53.280 --> 0:16:56.200 love talking to very open people because not often you 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:59.960 get that. So, you know, you talk about your relationship 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.520 up a lot on the podcast. I don't even listen 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:05.080 to my own podcast, Okay, so don't take it personal. 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:10.600 I listened to no podcast and I have one UM, 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:15.239 what is Michael's relationship with porn? Is it something that 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:18.720 you allow? Is that like a trigger for him? Is 0:17:18.760 --> 0:17:23.440 it not allowed? I'm curious. So for me, that's that's 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:29.080 not in my Uh yeah, that's or that's in my circle. 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:32.520 So that's something that I stay away from. UM now 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:36.359 with the program on part of with essay, it's you know, 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.840 it's one of those things. It's kind of a user's choice. 0:17:39.880 --> 0:17:42.320 It is up to certain people if that's a behavior 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:44.720 that they talk about with their sponsor, with their therapist, 0:17:44.760 --> 0:17:46.480 if it's something that they need to watch out for. 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.800 For me, it is a trigger button for me. It 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:51.040 is an escalator. It is something that I used to 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.600 escape reality. It's something that I used to mask feelings 0:17:53.640 --> 0:17:55.879 and emotions that I I didn't know how to express. So 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:59.080 for me, it's a non negotiable. It's out of my life, 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:01.159 it's out of our relation and ship, and that's what 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:04.280 we decided. That's what I decided. Um, you know. But 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:06.560 we're not against other people using it. We're you know, 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:08.920 it's just our story and that's the stuff that we're 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:11.080 staying away from. But we understand that people use it 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:13.360 and we don't care if other people bring it into 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:15.760 their relationship. It's just not part of not a part 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:19.960 of ours, because it's something where if you did, it's 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:22.680 the addict that could potentially set it to be like, Okay, 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:24.320 well this was fun, but now I want to take 0:18:24.359 --> 0:18:26.600 the next step. And now because it's a medicator for me, 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:28.760 you know, it's it's it's just like a drug. It's 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:33.360 just like anything else. It was my medicator. Well it's 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:35.280 a medicator for me too, But I don't really it 0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:38.960 doesn't make me want to do more. I'm just grateful actually, 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:40.760 because I'm like, oh, I get to take care of 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:44.359 business in ten minutes or less. I'm done, and that's it. 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:49.159 Because you know, I have not been intimate with anybody 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:54.439 in five years. Five years For gay men, that's like 0:18:54.520 --> 0:18:56.600 dog gears, like I haven't been intimate with somebody in 0:18:56.640 --> 0:18:59.520 like thirty years or forty years, because gay men are 0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:05.280 the most from miscuous of anybody, and and and wonderfully so, 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:09.040 because I was living in New York City for a 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:11.280 period of time there and it was just so much 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.760 easier than you know, there's so many more gay men there, 0:19:14.800 --> 0:19:18.359 so there's a volume, and there's also more gay men 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:21.800 that shared similar interests, like all of the theater actors 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:24.480 and people that work in fashion, and it was just 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:27.560 easier to be spontaneous and hey, you want to meet 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:30.040 for a drink or you want to hook up or 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:32.280 whatever it is. And then I moved back to Los 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:35.720 Angeles and the one dating site that I was using 0:19:35.720 --> 0:19:38.800 in New York it worked in New York. I wasn't 0:19:38.800 --> 0:19:41.960 getting results here. I don't even care, I'll share, I'm 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:43.639 not getting paid. I don't even use it anymore. It 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:46.840 was okay Cupid, and I liked Okay Cupid because they 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:51.720 have a website and I don't want I I think, 0:19:51.760 --> 0:19:54.679 I don't even think I am an addict as well, 0:19:54.720 --> 0:19:58.080 in different ways, like I'm addicted to food, I'm addicted. 0:19:58.160 --> 0:20:01.439 I'm addicted to work, like seriously addicted to work. And 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:03.280 I talked about that with my therapist, and I've been 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:06.920 setting boundaries from myself and really forcing myself to get 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:10.439 more sleep, you know, the coffee being years and for actually, 0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:13.399 up until last year, I would only get about five 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:16.480 hours of sleep at night, not much. So I moved 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:20.199 back to l A and okay, Cupid wasn't working for 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:23.439 me here and I just didn't. I don't, I don't know. 0:20:23.840 --> 0:20:26.960 I'm fine masturbating and I kept saying, well, it'll happen 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:30.720 when it happens, and it just hasn't happened for five years. 0:20:30.800 --> 0:20:33.040 And I'm fine, you know, I've got three kids and 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:38.480 I'm busy, and it is what it is. But who knows. 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:41.280 Maybe if I it's another couple of years, I might 0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:44.320 even hire an escort. I'm not against that gay men 0:20:44.400 --> 0:20:47.359 do that. I'm not quite there yet. I'm not I'm 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:51.240 not against it, but I'm not quite there yet. Um. 0:20:51.280 --> 0:20:53.960 But maybe I don't know, or maybe somebody will listen 0:20:53.960 --> 0:20:56.960 and be like, well, I'll just put Perez out of 0:20:56.960 --> 0:20:59.440 his misery and slide into his d M S and 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:03.320 and and you know, help him out. I think also 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:06.000 I want to comment to some of your your your 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:09.159 your fans and supporters who were saying that, you know, 0:21:09.200 --> 0:21:12.480 I shouldn't even have an opinion on relationships because I'm 0:21:12.520 --> 0:21:14.639 not in a relationship and I haven't been in a while. 0:21:15.200 --> 0:21:17.760 But I will just say to those people, I think 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:20.760 one of the reasons why I'm single and never chose 0:21:20.880 --> 0:21:23.439 to get married to any of the men that I 0:21:23.560 --> 0:21:27.680 dated for a long period of time was because my parents. 0:21:28.800 --> 0:21:36.360 They're like one of those storybook romances. They never once fought. Ever, 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:39.640 my dad died when I was fourteen, and um, they 0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:42.560 never fought. But not only that, like and this also 0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:44.480 hurts a little bit because I've spoken about this with 0:21:44.520 --> 0:21:49.600 my therapist. My parents didn't even didn't just love each other, 0:21:50.359 --> 0:21:54.800 they worshiped each other, like my mom worshiped my dad, 0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:57.600 and my dad worshiped my mom. And if I were 0:21:57.600 --> 0:22:01.119 to tell my mom right now, I'm we can go 0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:05.040 back in time to and your son dies or your 0:22:05.119 --> 0:22:08.520 husband dies. I'm pretty sure my mom would have chosen 0:22:08.600 --> 0:22:12.720 my dad me dying over my father. I'm pretty sure. No, 0:22:12.880 --> 0:22:17.800 I'm certain of that, Yes, yes, she loved my dad 0:22:18.000 --> 0:22:25.040 more than me. But you know, I believe in I 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:27.840 believe in true love. But i'm but I'm also aware 0:22:27.840 --> 0:22:30.560 that it's not going to be perfect. Like I may 0:22:30.600 --> 0:22:33.800