Speaker 1: My dad just very flatly said, buddy, you don't have
Speaker 1: what they have. When they do it, it's effortless, like
Speaker 1: they don't have to try, and they're just amazing. He said,
Speaker 1: you're always gonna have to work extra hard to get
Speaker 1: as good as them. He's like, key to life is
Speaker 1: finding the thing like they have for baseball. Find your thing,
Speaker 1: Find your thing, and that'll be And the first time
Speaker 1: I did stand up is before cell phones. I went
Speaker 1: back to my apartment in Indian Village and I called
Speaker 1: my dad and I said, I think I found my thing.
Speaker 2: Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3: We are as informal as it comes, because well, calm
Speaker 3: the fuck down, you know what I mean. So this
Speaker 3: man introduces himself on his own website as stand up
Speaker 3: podcast host machine. He needs no introduction because he's absolutely everywhere.
Speaker 3: Burt Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.
Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 4: I just lost them.
Speaker 2: Uh oh, and you said you're we're at the tip
Speaker 2: of the iceberg. We're not going anywhere. I mean with
Speaker 2: Wi Fi like that bird shit you are do WiFi
Speaker 2: cut out? That's okay, So Will we have a successful show.
Speaker 2: If our Wi Fi cuts out, I'm asking for a
Speaker 2: great question, my best friend. How are we both from
Speaker 2: the same area? You know this right?
Speaker 4: No? I did not wait. Where are you from?
Speaker 2: I was so I moved to Brandon.
Speaker 4: No, you realize Brandon is the Hoboken of Tampa.
Speaker 2: You realize I went to Bloomingdale where you did not.
Speaker 1: Go to Bloomingdale. Yes, no, one good comes out of Bloomingdale.
Speaker 1: You did not go to Bloomingdale. You didn't wait, No way.
Speaker 1: You know we used to play you guys in baseball.
Speaker 1: I just we won, right, I No, blooming is back.
Speaker 1: Back in ninety eighty nine, ninety ninety one, they had
Speaker 1: this dude named Cherry something. But it always always thought
Speaker 1: his name is Terry Violence like the Outsiders. But it
Speaker 1: wasn't Cherry. It was like Buck Cherry or something. Real redneck,
Speaker 1: real redneck, overweight.
Speaker 3: Cherry wasn't a musician. Bert, I'm in the middle of
Speaker 3: fucking nowhere. Is my WiFi back?
Speaker 2: Is it good? Now?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 3: Well, that's like being part of brand in Florida. We'll
Speaker 3: do this intro again because we're professionals.
Speaker 2: Are you ready?
Speaker 3: And Bert is worthy of not only doing the intro
Speaker 3: once but twice on your website you say stand up,
Speaker 3: podcast host and machine. You are everywhere doing all the
Speaker 3: things Bert Kreischer, Ladies and gentlemen, as.
Speaker 2: He what are we eating?
Speaker 4: Is that Bailey jew I'm putting a zin in Guys,
Speaker 4: Come on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just listened to all about this with your
Speaker 2: podcast with Julian.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Julian's Julian Edelman's he still dips. Danny M. Mondola
Speaker 4: introduced Julian Edelman into Dip.
Speaker 1: Danny A. Mondola might be the canary in the mind
Speaker 1: for everything. That guy was the reason that we watched
Speaker 1: Hard Knocks. He's the reason Julian Edelman dips. He's the
Speaker 1: reason Gronk like there's he was like a little firestarter
Speaker 1: for a bunch of things.
Speaker 2: We'll call him doura F. He's also the reason why
Speaker 2: Greg Olsen didn't get the Men's Health cover, because apparently
Speaker 2: Greg Olsen tells a great story about how he was
Speaker 2: like there was an opportunity. He didn't win this super
Speaker 2: Bowl yet lost it, but he's like, there's an opportunity
Speaker 2: for me to be on the cover of Men's Health.
Speaker 2: And every time he tells the story, he's like it
Speaker 2: gets fa it gets better, and so he's like, so
Speaker 2: I'm just like working out hard and I am like
Speaker 2: shredded and I look great. And it's like I even
Speaker 2: saw the photos and I was like, honey, how hot
Speaker 2: am I? Men's health comes out, he gets like a
Speaker 2: little picture inside Danny Amandola got the cover.
Speaker 4: Can I tell you what Greg Olsen's story? Sidebar please?
Speaker 4: So love.
Speaker 1: We're at super Bowl, me and Tom's girl. We're launching
Speaker 1: our bod Kaporo. So so we're rolling around and we're
Speaker 1: kind of just steamrolling shows. Rich Eisen's, we bum rush
Speaker 1: grondk and Edelman.
Speaker 4: I mean, we're just having fun. Uh.
Speaker 1: Sidebar, big apologies to Pat McAfee. We definitely bum rush
Speaker 1: his show in the middle of an interview with c. J.
Speaker 1: Stroud and it was it was not cool and we
Speaker 1: should have We should have We know fat for a
Speaker 1: long time. We should have checked first. We had to
Speaker 1: send apologies. Here's the other thing. So randomly we see
Speaker 1: Cam Newton. Cam Newton loses his mind, recognizes me were
Speaker 1: doing an interview with him. Greg Olsen shows up and
Speaker 1: Tom and I proceed to tell Greg Olsen a story
Speaker 1: of when we went to a Dominatrix gimpt together. Greg
Speaker 1: Olsen barreled through that and he was like, no, we're
Speaker 1: not telling that story. I do not want to hear it. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: and Tom and I keep telling you no, and then
Speaker 1: she tethered us, and he's like, nope, keep going nope,
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4: Nope.
Speaker 1: But so Greg Olsen never got to hear our great
Speaker 1: story of us seeing a dominatrix gimp for our two.
Speaker 3: Ways you had me at Dominate Trix. We'll just start
Speaker 3: and stop right there.
Speaker 2: You are so busy.
Speaker 3: We appreciate you having your shirt on, but also are
Speaker 3: excited that tops Off World Tour is happening.
Speaker 2: You're back on the road March seventh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean Grand Rapids, then Toronto, then then on
Speaker 1: Ottawa and and some of the in Canada. Right now,
Speaker 1: we're cleaning out my bus. We're cleaning out all the
Speaker 1: drugs from my bus.
Speaker 2: There you go, Dare, what would heavy sweep? Well, you
Speaker 2: know what.
Speaker 3: We're happy that you're keeping things clean, but how often
Speaker 3: are you actually home?
Speaker 1: Very seldomly, I uh like, like comically and personally tragically seldom.
Speaker 2: Mentally I'm not here right now, don't talk to me.
Speaker 2: I'm not here.
Speaker 4: I'm not at home right now. By the way, I
Speaker 4: take naps in my bus.
Speaker 1: My bus is a mile and a half from my house,
Speaker 1: and I drive to my bus to take you.
Speaker 4: I don't even like my house. My house has.
Speaker 2: Nowhere comfortable to You're crazy.
Speaker 3: Your bus, by the way, is like the Madden Madden
Speaker 3: two point zero to bus.
Speaker 2: It's incredible.
Speaker 1: My daughter designed it. Uh yeah, Well, I knew I
Speaker 1: wanted a bus. I knew I wanted what I wanted
Speaker 1: because I live in my tour bus. I really live
Speaker 1: in it. All joking aside, I'm probably home maybe Monday Tuesday,
Speaker 1: and then leave Wednesday night if that.
Speaker 4: Sometimes with do and two bears.
Speaker 1: Well, I'll stay on the road usually two weeks straight
Speaker 1: and go to Austin for a week for like Tuesday
Speaker 1: Wednesday and then and then I'm home like maybe four
Speaker 1: days a month roughly. And so I live in my bus.
Speaker 1: I know, well, listen, make hey while the sun shines.
Speaker 1: I didn't have a career when I was twenty three.
Speaker 1: I had to wait until I was forty four, so
Speaker 1: I got to make all the money I can, and
Speaker 1: so I knew what I wanted in my bus.
Speaker 4: I wanted my I love. I don't like the rear
Speaker 4: bedroom I like.
Speaker 1: I liked sleeping in the bunks, but I wanted a
Speaker 1: bigger bed, so I cleaned out the second rack of bunks.
Speaker 4: Put a bed there. No one does this. I put
Speaker 4: a bed there.
Speaker 1: I put my bathroom in the way back, became myself
Speaker 1: a full bathroom, which I like living on a bus.
Speaker 1: I don't like getting off the bus. I don't like hotels.
Speaker 1: I don't like any of that.
Speaker 2: And I love hotels. But I'm a big snob that
Speaker 2: I was going to ask you that. But you have
Speaker 2: your bathroom in the back. Okay, talk about your bathroom.
Speaker 1: Go on subway tiles in the shower, big, full sized power.
Speaker 1: My daughter designed it all all my power colors blue
Speaker 1: and dark maroons. And we put the closet in front
Speaker 1: of the engine so it muffles the sound. Because what
Speaker 1: happens when you live on a bus is you do
Speaker 1: the arena. Bus cralls around two in the morning. Everyone
Speaker 1: has drinks, smokes, we whatever have a scar and then
Speaker 1: everyone gets in the bus and takes off. Well, when
Speaker 1: your bug is in the way back, they start the
Speaker 1: bus up at two in the morning and it wakes
Speaker 1: you up well with this, with the with all my
Speaker 1: my closet in front of the engine, I don't hear
Speaker 1: the bus start. I don't feel it take off. I'm
Speaker 1: stuck in them. I'm in the back middle of the bus.
Speaker 1: So all I feel is a little shimmy as we
Speaker 1: drive down the street. It is Gavin Rossdale walked on
Speaker 1: my bus and and this. He's a man that lives
Speaker 1: on a bus too, and he went, this is genius.
Speaker 1: He's like, can I rent this from you? This is
Speaker 1: the best setup I've ever I took Jelly Roll on
Speaker 1: my bus, Joe Coyl on my bus. I brought every
Speaker 1: I brought people who live on buses and they look
Speaker 1: at my bus and they're like, man, this and my
Speaker 1: daughter put little accents to make it feel.
Speaker 2: Like, huh nice, that's so sweet. Yeah, I love this. Okay, wait,
Speaker 2: number one thing in your fridge you have to have
Speaker 2: on your bus. I was going to say that you
Speaker 2: have at home, but you're never at home, So what
Speaker 2: does it matter?
Speaker 4: Okay? Exogenous keytones and lement Are we supposed.
Speaker 2: To know what that? I know what element is. I
Speaker 2: don't know what that is. I'm a non flavor. I'm
Speaker 2: in orange girl too.
Speaker 4: Oh I love. Have you ever gotten the bland one
Speaker 4: where it's just salt and.
Speaker 2: You're like, yeah, it's great, I have it now, it's great.
Speaker 2: Wait tell me what it is. Fill me in. You've
Speaker 2: had it.
Speaker 4: Lemon tea is a yeah, go ahead, you tell.
Speaker 2: Them you've had it. At Yellowstone we have it all there.
Speaker 2: It's the little electrolytes packets.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, there's are I
Speaker 3: thought it was just something that was like a Florida thing.
Speaker 2: Since both of you guys originate from the same area,
Speaker 2: so we leave.
Speaker 4: You're from Florida. That is, so that's something I should know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no offense. I was a little I was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, he's going to have all this great
Speaker 2: Florida scoop. He's even going to be like we've met before. Okay,
Speaker 2: look there, we get it. There's a lot of Florida
Speaker 2: jokes out there. We get it. I mean when Florida
Speaker 2: ask you where are you from? I always say Tampa.
Speaker 2: I know there's a joke.
Speaker 1: You can't say that. You can't say that, I can't
Speaker 1: say that. You know, that's like people saying I'm from Hoboke.
Speaker 1: I love living in New York and you go, were
Speaker 1: in New York. Well, they're like just outside New York
Speaker 1: and Hoboken.
Speaker 2: You know that's Hoboken, Damn from Tampa.
Speaker 1: No, you can now because Brandon has grown up. But
Speaker 1: when I was a kid, Brandon was not grown up.
Speaker 1: Brandon was just to stop just outside Eboor.
Speaker 3: So wait for those of us that don't know the area.
Speaker 3: So where did Aaron grow up?
Speaker 2: Tell me?
Speaker 3: You know, I want to know your hometown Erin According
Speaker 3: to Burt Okay, oh sorry.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, I'll explain. I'm gonna explain. I'm gonna explain.
Speaker 1: All I do is all my podcasts to smoke weed
Speaker 1: and listen to history podcasts. Brandon was it is where
Speaker 1: the term cracker comes from. It's the that is No,
Speaker 1: I'm being dead serious. Lord of crackers. Were like they
Speaker 1: they smacked.
Speaker 4: The whip on the cattle. They're all cattlemen.
Speaker 1: And so from Brandon was the last bastion Brandon o'calla odessa.
Speaker 1: Uh there's there are these last bastions of cattle grazing
Speaker 1: land before they started developing them. And now Brandon's developed
Speaker 1: and there's a huge mall in Brandon. Brandon's like a
Speaker 1: grown up town now, but it was not when I
Speaker 1: was a kid. That's where you went and got mushrooms.
Speaker 1: Who yeah, because if it rains in Florida, if you
Speaker 1: go to the cow patties and in the afternoon, there's.
Speaker 2: Uge, yeah. Huge.
Speaker 4: This is before you knew anything microdosing.
Speaker 1: You would just go a cow pastor, hope you weren't
Speaker 1: eating poison, and swallow a mushroom. We didn't even have
Speaker 1: bottled water to rinse it off. We didn't even have
Speaker 1: bottled water then. So you just eat eat it out
Speaker 1: of the cow patty and be like, let's hope we
Speaker 1: all trip today.
Speaker 4: And then you get on.
Speaker 2: What town are you from?
Speaker 1: It?
Speaker 2: I love you so much I.
Speaker 4: Know you would.
Speaker 2: Wait wait, wait, what does that town mean? What is that?
Speaker 3: For those of us that don't know, that's a river,
Speaker 3: that's not even a tower, It's a.
Speaker 1: River with alligators and rednecks, and you just get on
Speaker 1: a tube, eat mushrooms and float down the It's the
Speaker 1: tuckny A river runs through it.
Speaker 5: Okay, okay, where are you from?
Speaker 1: No, I'm not really from Tampa either. I'm from Loots,
Speaker 1: just outside in Tampa.
Speaker 4: When we moved to Loots.
Speaker 1: When we moved to Loots, my parents are from the north,
Speaker 1: from New York in Philadelphia, and we we drove out
Speaker 1: to see the art.
Speaker 4: We bought land.
Speaker 1: My dad bought land and loots to build a house.
Speaker 1: And I was ten years old. This is nineteen eighty one,
Speaker 1: probably eighty two. Yes, And we as we crossed over
Speaker 1: Bears Avenue, the radio station switched from Q one O
Speaker 1: four two.
Speaker 2: S's right, Q and O five My life ninety four
Speaker 2: point nine. I feel like third on a date right now.
Speaker 2: This is amazing, This is this is real Florida deep
Speaker 2: cuts hereson Dicks.
Speaker 1: I just, I just I just talked to someone who
Speaker 1: worked in Mason Dixon.
Speaker 4: By the way, I listen, no sight to Mason Dixon,
Speaker 4: No select Q on five. But this is way before
Speaker 4: woke radio. This was where they had the chooky. The
Speaker 4: was the bird.
Speaker 1: If you do it, you could win, you could win,
Speaker 1: like tickets to go see Rush.
Speaker 2: Or the bucks. Wasn't that on like Fridays to this.
Speaker 1: Day when I'm at work at my office, I have
Speaker 1: like a bunch of women at work. I will say Friday, Friday, Friday.
Speaker 2: Why was that on weekend?
Speaker 4: For the weekend. Everybody wants a new romance? Yeah, what was.
Speaker 2: The big am talk radio show? I interned with Chris
Speaker 2: Thomas at w fl A Channel eight. Remember on Friday
Speaker 2: nights he wore the big so borrow when he did
Speaker 2: his broadcast. I don't know if you know, because my
Speaker 2: dad worked for w FLA. But what was the AM station?
Speaker 2: It was sixty nine or something like the Animal.
Speaker 4: What was it it was?
Speaker 1: Oh, my dad only listened to the AM And by
Speaker 1: the way, Ted uh he went to Jesuit, the guy
Speaker 1: who he was.
Speaker 2: Just the hot boys went Jesuit. I never dated a
Speaker 2: Jesuit boy. Oh, I like, I won't say what I liked,
Speaker 2: but yeah, I never I never know.
Speaker 4: I want to go, who did you know?
Speaker 2: I feel like, well, I grab you guys dated. It
Speaker 2: feels like you have a lot of a lot of things.
Speaker 4: League.
Speaker 2: Our big hangout was Regency Center, for like, do you
Speaker 2: know the Regency Center?
Speaker 4: No? But it just wreaks from a Brandon hangout.
Speaker 2: It does so bad. Everybody wonders why I was the
Speaker 2: biggest square in the world because I lived in Brandon.
Speaker 1: I got to do a deep dive on you can someone,
Speaker 1: please please don't do a do a biography so that
Speaker 1: I can find out you're younger, because now you got
Speaker 1: to understand she is you are absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 4: You are you are, you are, you are, you are,
Speaker 4: you are no, but you are.
Speaker 1: What would you say like a Sunday morning beautiful when
Speaker 1: you when when we see you on for football, your
Speaker 1: Sunday morning beautiful.
Speaker 4: You look gorgeous.
Speaker 1: But there is a redneck inside there that had there
Speaker 1: with crimps and and that I'm sure was screaming.
Speaker 2: Would never let me get a firm, which really pissed
Speaker 2: me off. And I got my haircut down at where
Speaker 2: did we get it done? I'm going to text my sister.
Speaker 2: It was down in Bloomingdale Square, by Bloomingdale, Floris and
Speaker 2: buy the McDonald's. What was it called? But I had
Speaker 2: bangs from here to here. It was like the beaver bangs.
Speaker 2: It was so bad.
Speaker 3: But anyway, so wait, I want to know. I wanted
Speaker 3: to just so I can watch a gator. No, I
Speaker 3: was just gonna.
Speaker 2: Say, you don't know that. Yeah, but my sister went
Speaker 2: to FSU.
Speaker 1: Really wait's sister older younger, older, younger younger.
Speaker 4: Okay, I gonna know where?
Speaker 2: Wait?
Speaker 3: How far I want to understand how far away? Since
Speaker 3: you guys all you know everything about each other from
Speaker 3: your hometowns, how far is Bert is your hometown from Erin's.
Speaker 1: Oh my Loots is probably a good forty minute drive
Speaker 1: from Brandon, but Tampa is minute drive. Well, hold on,
Speaker 1: we're not talking La thirty minutes. This is clear open
Speaker 1: road thirty minutes where you're driving seventy five miles an hour.
Speaker 1: You go down to seventy five, get left on five
Speaker 1: on I four, and then you start driving out I
Speaker 1: four and Brandon's got you got to got like by
Speaker 1: Theanona Sassa. You gotta get through. You gotta get through
Speaker 1: some real redneck talents to get to Brandon Lake Lakelyn.
Speaker 1: And now it's so developed. You got you hityboard. There's
Speaker 1: God the Seminal hard rock casinos right there. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: there's stuff on the way out. Back then it was
Speaker 1: just fairgrounds to the left and then Aaron's house.
Speaker 2: Where I performed in an for the Strawberry Festival, and
Speaker 2: I performed like whenever the fair was there with my
Speaker 2: dance studio. But Bert before like we lose everybody when
Speaker 2: we were going down memory lane. I want to tell
Speaker 2: you I shared this on the podcast A couple of
Speaker 2: weeks ago. My summer job for like three years when
Speaker 2: I went to UF Adventure Island, red bathing suit and
Speaker 2: all girl, get it down the Tampa Typhoon. Cross your legs,
Speaker 2: cross your arms. Thanks for visiting Adventure Island, Bush, But
Speaker 2: I hated the hairy backs.
Speaker 4: It was Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: Adventure Island was like was next level. Adventure Island was
Speaker 1: probably the funnest time I've ever had in my entire life.
Speaker 1: At Busch Gardens and Adventure Island were owned by the
Speaker 1: same company, and they were both off of Bush where
Speaker 1: Bush Beer. Busch Beer own bus Gardens Anheuser Busch and
Speaker 1: Adventure Island was like that was I remember when that
Speaker 1: opened and I was like, this is gonna.
Speaker 4: Get you yah yah And.
Speaker 2: What is that the theme song?
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah it was so it was so cool.
Speaker 1: I went there as an adult because I had a
Speaker 1: show on Travel Channel called Bert the Conquer not as fun.
Speaker 3: Oh God, you have had such an incredible career and
Speaker 3: I know you are self deprecating and saying like, oh,
Speaker 3: you're just now famous and you had to like capitalize
Speaker 3: like you've been doing this. What did Rolling Stone call
Speaker 3: you the best part of your in ninety seven, what
Speaker 3: was your your claim to fame?
Speaker 1: Ninety seven voted the number one party animal at the
Speaker 1: number one party school in the country.
Speaker 2: How do you get that title? I was my first
Speaker 2: year was ninety six at Florida. But how do you
Speaker 2: get that title?
Speaker 1: No way, I I was just they were trying Rollstone
Speaker 1: was trying to write an article about Florida State. So
Speaker 1: they had interviewed a bunch of people that were like
Speaker 1: the five top heads of like the all the big organizations,
Speaker 1: and each of them had partied with all of them
Speaker 1: the night before randomly, and then and two of them
Speaker 1: thought that it was a prank call that I was doing,
Speaker 1: and so they all ended up giving him my number.
Speaker 1: When Eric Henderguard called me, I was in the middle
Speaker 1: of a bong hit getting ready to play disc golf,
Speaker 1: and he was like, can I come stay with you
Speaker 1: for a week? He wanted just a broad stroke of
Speaker 1: the school, someone who knew a lot of people. I've
Speaker 1: been there six and a half years and so, which was,
Speaker 1: by the way, I know, it's not crazy. That was
Speaker 1: pretty par for the course in Florida, and so uh
Speaker 1: and so and then at the end, Jan Warner was like, this,
Speaker 1: we don't have an article about this school, but we
Speaker 1: do have one about this kid. Let's just change it
Speaker 1: and make about this kid. And then my life was
Speaker 1: changed overnight. Overnight.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: I started doing radio interviews and TV interviews and and
Speaker 1: and then I said in the article I wanted to
Speaker 1: do stand up and they and some radio station in
Speaker 1: Tallahause put together a stand up show that night.
Speaker 4: At the at pot Bellies. And that was your first
Speaker 4: show show.
Speaker 1: I did twenty minutes at the end of the show,
Speaker 1: very stream of consciousness, and and it went really well,
Speaker 1: and H and I moved to New York started stand up.
Speaker 1: Will Smith discovered me six months later, and I had
Speaker 1: a TV.
Speaker 2: Show Smith did well Smith, Yeah, that's amazing. Holy shit.
Speaker 3: Did you always know that you were like Aaron and
Speaker 3: I always knew we wanted to work in sports since
Speaker 3: we were little because our fathers, like we always just
Speaker 3: like grew up watching sports and knew this is what
Speaker 3: we wanted to do. Did you always know that you
Speaker 3: wanted to do this? Were you naturally always funny, like
Speaker 3: you were the class clown? Like, how did you know
Speaker 3: that this was going to be like your thing?
Speaker 1: No? I was very I was a very serious athlete
Speaker 1: growing up in Tampa. I really all we did was
Speaker 1: play baseball. We played in Florida. You play baseball year.
Speaker 2: Round, you have to seeing your banners everywhere all over
Speaker 2: the cities.
Speaker 4: Absolutely yep, and so I I.
Speaker 1: And then when I got to Florida State. I was
Speaker 1: supposed to walk on and play at Florida State. And
Speaker 1: the very first day, coach Martin saw a pledge pin
Speaker 1: on my shirt and was like, that comes off. We
Speaker 1: don't party here. And he told me I could be
Speaker 1: a bullpen catcher. And I just walked off field, and uh,
Speaker 1: it was like, I'm done sports. It's kind of you know,
Speaker 1: there's so many people I probably were that listen to this.
Speaker 1: I probably relate to that more than the pro athletes
Speaker 1: who listened to this as well. But giving up sports
Speaker 1: was like the hardest thing because it had been your life.
Speaker 1: It was what I thought I was gonna do. I
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna play baseball. The guy I caught
Speaker 1: went and played pro he played for the Twins, Brad Radkey,
Speaker 1: and I thought, without a doubt I had. It was
Speaker 1: very passionate about it, and I said, I think I'm
Speaker 1: just going to focus on this partying thing. And uh,
Speaker 1: I know, doubt for you crazy, but I noticed a jesuit,
Speaker 1: I was funny because it was all boys, Catholic high school,
Speaker 1: a lot of Cuban kids, so your sense of humor
Speaker 1: had to be that of the older Cuban dads they
Speaker 1: grew up, you know with. And so when I got
Speaker 1: to Florida State, I noticed very quickly that I was funny.
Speaker 1: I remember the one moment when I was really I
Speaker 1: realized I have something that and I don't mean this arrogantly,
Speaker 1: but I think I can say I'm a pretty big
Speaker 1: comic now. But the moment I realized I'm different, quicker funny,
Speaker 1: and smarter funny than my friends was. There was homecoming.
Speaker 1: My buddy Eddie Fernandez was a homecoming chair and we
Speaker 1: had it with Theda.
Speaker 2: And I made it was hot at Florida State. Yeah
Speaker 2: that was the hot one. Yeah, okay, Hi.
Speaker 4: Fi DJ, Theda, Katie.
Speaker 2: They were like it was always good, yeah, always good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and uh and so uh, I made a joke
Speaker 1: in chapter I made a joke and everyone laughed and
Speaker 1: then everyone stopped and Eddie's like, all right, stop, I'm
Speaker 1: being serious. I got to tell you about homecoming, and
Speaker 1: I made another joke and everyone laughed a get harder,
Speaker 1: and the president of the fraternity said, that's it. No
Speaker 1: more jokes. Okay, We've got to get through this. I
Speaker 1: don't really hear one more joke about Theda or homecoming
Speaker 1: at all. Do you understand that? One more joke and
Speaker 1: you're out of here? And it was quiet, and I said,
Speaker 1: and he goes, are we ready? And I just, in
Speaker 1: a loud whisper, went to Theda's walk into a bar
Speaker 1: and the place went crazy, and I was like, I was,
Speaker 1: but it was amazing. I don't I think when you're
Speaker 1: a true comic, your brain works on at a at
Speaker 1: a different clip than everyone else, and and you're always
Speaker 1: thinking about jokes, Like today, I thought of the dumbest
Speaker 1: joke I posted on Instagram. But I was like, I said,
Speaker 1: this is just so stupid. But it's like, you can't judge.
Speaker 1: I said, what did mister T say after he pushed
Speaker 1: fifty cent in the pool? Fitty the pool?
Speaker 4: It's the dumbest joke.
Speaker 1: You write them in the hope that they find a
Speaker 1: place in your act and and uh, and so I
Speaker 1: just at that moment I realized, oh, I'm and everyone
Speaker 1: always said you're You're the funniest guy I ever met,
Speaker 1: like you should be, you should be a stand up.
Speaker 1: I just didn't know how that worked. And then after
Speaker 1: the article, I got the balls to do it once
Speaker 1: I got on stage my dad. When I was growing up,
Speaker 1: I played at Forest Hills, Uh baseball, and and we
Speaker 1: would play.
Speaker 4: Town and Country. And there was this guy, Brad Radt,
Speaker 4: who ended up going pro. It's had mall. They had
Speaker 4: a really good Okay, they had a really good ball.
Speaker 2: She gotta keep asking Florida questions.
Speaker 4: And I remember saying to my.
Speaker 1: Dad when I was like twelve maybe eleven, I said,
Speaker 1: how come no one talks about me playing baseball the
Speaker 1: way they talk about Brad or Ryan. But these guys
Speaker 1: and end up going pro.
Speaker 4: And my dad.
Speaker 1: Ryan Valarius, he was the best player on our team,
Speaker 1: and then Mark Valdez, Tony Krasco, like all these guys
Speaker 1: went pro. And I said, my dad just very flatly said, buddy,
Speaker 1: you don't have what they have. When they do it,
Speaker 1: it's effortless, like they don't have to try, and they're
Speaker 1: just amazing. He said, you're always gonna have to work
Speaker 1: extra hard to get as good as them. He's like,
Speaker 1: key to life is finding the thing, like they have
Speaker 1: for baseball. Find your thing, find your thing, and that'll
Speaker 1: be it. And the first time I did stand up
Speaker 1: is before cell phones. I went back to my apartment
Speaker 1: in Indian Village and I called my dad and I said,
Speaker 1: I think I found my thing. Comedy comes to me,
Speaker 1: not effortlessly, but I enjoy it. I casually do it,
Speaker 1: and I I can do it quicker than my friends
Speaker 1: and so, and my dad's like, well, if it's your thing,
Speaker 1: you got to follow it. And so I moved to
Speaker 1: New York to start a stand up and h and yeah,
Speaker 1: so how do you?
Speaker 4: How do you?
Speaker 3: And Aaron and I are constantly in this like, you know,
Speaker 3: dodging what could be the landmines of cancel culture, and
Speaker 3: every time we say something, we then get like this
Speaker 3: like panic of like oh my god, we're you know,
Speaker 3: gonna get fired or whatever.
Speaker 2: But it's like, how as a comedian do you navigate that?
Speaker 3: Because the sensitivity levels on any number of different topics,
Speaker 3: the ebb and flow of that, or as a comedian
Speaker 3: do you not like how do you how do you
Speaker 3: deal with that, well, you've.
Speaker 1: Got to remember your intent. Like if my intent is
Speaker 1: always comedy, so like my intent is always to make
Speaker 1: you laugh. My intent is never to have anyone come
Speaker 1: into a show and have them have the worst day
Speaker 1: of their life. So as long as your intense pure,
Speaker 1: I believe your audience is, your audience will follow you listen.
Speaker 1: I can't I can't say whether or not people in
Speaker 1: the South, are people in on the coasts are going
Speaker 1: to get offended by something I'll say. I just know
Speaker 1: that my fan base trusts that my intent is always
Speaker 1: to make them laugh. I think, really I'm callous to
Speaker 1: it a tad bit, and that I've said some very
Speaker 1: very wild stuff, especially podcasting. We did podcasts back when
Speaker 1: we didn't know people were listening. We just get high
Speaker 1: on Rogan and say wild shit.
Speaker 4: I mean why. I remember doing an episode with them
Speaker 4: one time and it got pulled down.
Speaker 1: By Spotify and our areas and they edit it and
Speaker 1: put it up in two parts, and I was like,
Speaker 1: what did I say?
Speaker 4: And Rogan's like, don't worry about it. It's fine, man.
Speaker 2: That's got Aaron. Can you imagine being able to say
Speaker 2: whatever you wanted? Now?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: How liberating? It you're unemployed. I'm gonna say, fun.
Speaker 1: Listen, here's here's the biggest problem is you have corporate
Speaker 1: entities on top of you right now that are watching you,
Speaker 1: and they're and they're kind of saying hey. And I
Speaker 1: had that a travel Channel, they'd be like, listen, you know,
Speaker 1: we're brand friends. Travel Channel is owned by Scripts, which
Speaker 1: was a Christian based company out of Knoxville, and I
Speaker 1: was I was always scared i'd lose the Travel Channel
Speaker 1: job because that was security for me. And then when
Speaker 1: I got fired from there, it was very freeing and
Speaker 1: I just started saying, I'm better at stand up than
Speaker 1: I am at hosting. And here's the deal. And I
Speaker 1: said this to you guys before we started recording, but
Speaker 1: I mean it. You guys are the you guys are
Speaker 1: at the tip of the iceberg of where you are.
Speaker 1: Podcasting has been underrepresented by different voices. I'll say candidly.
Speaker 1: Black men were the first one that I'm seeing come
Speaker 1: out right now and they are owning podcasting. Cam Cam
Speaker 1: and Mace Cam Newton, Matt Matt Hoffman. I think I'm
Speaker 1: saying his name right, but like, the black men are
Speaker 1: are owning podcasting. In my opinion, and they've been underrepresented
Speaker 1: for a.
Speaker 4: Very long time.
Speaker 1: For a very long time, it was just us white
Speaker 1: guys doing stand up that had all the podcasts. And
Speaker 1: then people were like, I want to hear something different.
Speaker 1: Cam and May Cameron and Mace are my favorite podcasts
Speaker 1: to listen to, and they talk wild shit, wild shit.
Speaker 1: But the next I'm telling you, and I said this
Speaker 1: to you, you guys are the shavings, just the snow
Speaker 1: cone shavings of the iceberg of women on podcasts, especially
Speaker 1: talking about sports and talking freely. I can't wait you
Speaker 1: guys go through menopause and start talking about that. My
Speaker 1: wife but the only one talking about menopause, and and
Speaker 1: it's and it's it's amazing as a dude to hear
Speaker 1: them talk about it.
Speaker 4: But like, I really believe that that you guys are
Speaker 4: are gonna be huge.
Speaker 1: Look at and now look at the sports voices that
Speaker 1: have been represented. The Kelsey Brothers have an amazing podcast.
Speaker 1: McAfee's been going at it for a while and now
Speaker 1: is just blowing up. Bill Simmons is a goat in
Speaker 1: the podcasting arena. And I'm telling you look around, and
Speaker 1: you'll look around the tables and you will notice that
Speaker 1: you are your genre is underrepresented. And you, guys, that's
Speaker 1: why I'm so excited to be on this podcast.
Speaker 2: Shout oh, you're so thank you for doing it.
Speaker 3: We know how busy. Shout out to your wife too.
Speaker 3: She has a podcast as well. I know that it's yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: And what a saint she is.
Speaker 2: I mean, she is just a dream this one. How
Speaker 2: did you guys meet? What's your guys' story?
Speaker 4: She was She was a.
Speaker 1: Screenwriter in La and I was a struggling comic. I
Speaker 1: was I'd done some TV and I was getting back
Speaker 1: into stand up to try to go on the road.
Speaker 1: And I'd seen her writing a screenplay at the base
Speaker 1: of Runyan Canyon. She had she worked with a writing partner,
Speaker 1: and she was just.
Speaker 2: She was just at the base of Runyan Canyon writing
Speaker 2: a script. Was she sitting at it? I mean, brought
Speaker 2: her own desk? Where is she writing the script.
Speaker 4: In the office of the apartment building?
Speaker 3: Okay, I was going to say, running Canyon. I didn't
Speaker 3: know that we had a we work there, fancy, and.
Speaker 4: So I went in with my friend and I talked
Speaker 4: to her. She was a bitch, and I love bitches.
Speaker 1: And then I saw her again at a at a
Speaker 1: yoga class and her ex boyfriend she had broken up
Speaker 1: with him and he tried to get her back, and she,
Speaker 1: I mean humiliated him in front of the whole yoga
Speaker 1: class because he brought flowers.
Speaker 4: And I was like, wow, I don't ever want to
Speaker 4: be that guy. And then one night we're bowling and
Speaker 4: I was cute.
Speaker 1: I was not like my fighting weight, I was like
Speaker 1: one eighty six, and she kind of flirted with me,
Speaker 1: and I had this, uh, I'm gonna speak very candidly,
Speaker 1: but I had this like phobia of uh, strong women
Speaker 1: because I'd seen too much of sex in the city
Speaker 1: and I thought they were all horrors.
Speaker 2: So I was like, I don't want to wait, you
Speaker 2: think strong women are horrors, it's like the opposite.
Speaker 4: Well, it's the it's at the it's at the beginning
Speaker 4: of like the sexual freedom.
Speaker 2: You watch Samantha. You watched a lot of the Samantha
Speaker 2: version of that, not Charlotte.
Speaker 4: That's not who I am. I'm not like, I've only
Speaker 4: had sex with six women, and so I'm not and
Speaker 4: my wife's.
Speaker 2: Six and so I was like, are you being serious?
Speaker 4: Yeah? I mean dead serious? Yeah, well, no, I mean I.
Speaker 2: Was going to make a ludes joke there, but you know,
Speaker 2: here we go, I'm finally catching on to the.
Speaker 4: Roof sheep, and I'm through the roof. But but women, Yeah, but.
Speaker 2: You went to Florida State. You were just busy writing jokes.
Speaker 4: I'm an intimacy guy like I.
Speaker 1: I was going out to Yanni's looking for a girl
Speaker 1: that got me, like I wanted someone that understand me
Speaker 1: that I wanted to fall in love.
Speaker 4: I've always wanted to fall in love. I never won.
Speaker 1: That would be great if I was trying to get
Speaker 1: laid now, but it's the truth. And so my wife
Speaker 1: was I just figured all women in Hollywood and New
Speaker 1: York were like they just sleep with people and it
Speaker 1: didn't matter, and I didn't want that sterical and so
Speaker 1: and then I found out she was not like that,
Speaker 1: and uh yeah, and I'm in love.
Speaker 2: So you sorry, go ahead, No, go ahead. I was
Speaker 2: going to say, how do you keep this going with
Speaker 2: the schedule that you have, because I mean, I and
Speaker 2: much like hers with her significant other, her boyfriend and
Speaker 2: my husband, we are like two passing ships. I've got football,
Speaker 2: he's got hockey, Like, how the hell do you keep
Speaker 2: this going.
Speaker 1: It's interesting. It during me during my career, like in
Speaker 1: the past twenty years, it's been very easy. I think
Speaker 1: we just figured out a schedule, a rhythm with our
Speaker 1: girls and with my wife that it just worked. I
Speaker 1: think the real scary part, and we felt it this weekend,
Speaker 1: and I just talking candidly, was my oldest is at
Speaker 1: college and my youngest is leaving for college in like
Speaker 1: four months, and the idea of us being alone is
Speaker 1: really terrifying. Like we didn't know what to do because
Speaker 1: it's like we woke up it was Saturday. I that
Speaker 1: was gone all weekend and it was Saturday, and I
Speaker 1: was like, what do you want to do?
Speaker 4: She was like I don't know. And then she was like,
Speaker 4: you want to go to Costco. And I was like,
Speaker 4: oh my god, we're running into my parents.
Speaker 2: Or old school. You don't have time for beds beyond
Speaker 2: where I am right now. It's like we had all
Speaker 2: this alone time and now we have a seven month
Speaker 2: old and we're like, where did our life go? This
Speaker 2: is crazy, so much great stuff with Bert In fact,
Speaker 2: it's so good. We're going to do it twice. That's right.
Speaker 3: We've split this interview into two parts. Stay tuned for
Speaker 3: part two next week and find out why Burt turned
Speaker 3: out an opportunity to hang out with Aaron Rodgers.
Speaker 2: All right, hang on, not so fast. We have a
Speaker 2: big announcement to make. We've been talking about doing a
Speaker 2: live show for a while now, and we can officially
Speaker 2: reveal it's happening. It sure is Calm Down Live, Ladies
Speaker 2: and gentlemen. That is right what we do best, good
Speaker 2: batter and different.
Speaker 3: May Night Netflix is a joke fest at the Hollywood Improv.
Speaker 2: Tickets are now on sale. The link is in the
Speaker 2: description of this episode. Also check out our Instagram at
Speaker 2: Calm Down Podcast. We'll have all the info there as well.
Speaker 3: And if you're wondering why I have paint doll over
Speaker 3: my hands, it's not important. I'll explain it at the
Speaker 3: live show. We are so excited about this when we
Speaker 3: cannot wait to see you guys there again. That is
Speaker 3: May Night at the Hollywood Improv Netflix is a joke fest.
Speaker 2: Hope to see you there. Calm Down with Erin and
Speaker 2: Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio apps, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 3: or wherever you get your podcasts,